Roadie
“They are unusual creatures but are helpful and as such I keep one in my back pocket - just in case....”
A roadie is a species of subhuman who live on hooks in cupboards. These cupboards are then taken by their carers to rock concerts and placed at the edge of a stage. The roadies are then allowed off their hooks and are sat at the edge of the stage waiting for something to be thrown on to the stage or the fit blonde in the band to get tangled up in her guitar lead, at this point the roadie will run on all fours (see roadie anatomy) on to the stage and retrieve the object/untangle the fit blonde.
Roadie Anatomy[edit]
Instead of feet roadies have evolved hands on the end of their legs, this allows them to run across stages extremely fast and has decreased the time taken to untangle people. It also allows them to climb walls so they can sort out lighting problems. Roadies have immense speed due to their four hands. They are born with beards and a stripey t-shirt and wooley hat. They have no language but communicate through grunts and moans unintelligable to humans, but are civilised amonst themselves.
The only forms of human life lower than roadies are groupies, P.E teachers and of course postal workers
Notable Roadies in History[edit]
Freddie Pildrop[edit]
Actually started as a drummer touring with “Henry Bewicks Pig” in the late 70s, but got so tired of being introduced as Henry Bewick’s Pig’s Arse that he stayed backstage ever after. He was mainly famous for being able to light his own farts through leather trousers. Currently touring with Elton John as his Spectacles Roadie.
Angel Xaviera[edit]
With the Rolling Stones for many years, Angie became a women after being told that women’s pectoral “muscles” enabled them to lift even Keith Richards cabs. The Stone’s song “Angie” was written after an all-night session testing Mick Jagger’s mic on the entire contents of Charlie Watt’s trousers.
"the Kid"[edit]
This is a rare photo of “The Kid” - only spoken about in whispers by the cognoscenti as the man who actually put together the legendary “Firewall of Sound” for the producer Mutt Lange.
Harvey Roadbanger[edit]
Harv came from down under, and will remain there for ever more. Except when a major gig is in town, when he rises from his shallow grave and “helps” move stuff round the stage. His eyeballs were held in with gaffer tape until the union complained, and they are now earthed and screwed firmly to the back of his head
Proper Care and Feeding of Roadies[edit]
- Keep in a cool, dark place until needed.
- Be sure to feed lots of sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll. No actual food needed to feed a roadie.
- Will work for no money, if you provide the sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll.
- Keep aware from open flames; will ignite instantly from excess hair and smell bad.
- Keep away from water; likes to smell bad.