Poker
“It's becoming a real tell. ”
“Liquor in the front, Poker in the rear.”
Poker is a very popular rigged card game in which players, sometimes referred to as poker players, put their money into a central pot called the toilet and make kebabs with each other. The money is awarded to the person whose cards are the least statistically disappointing.
The etymology of the word "poker" came from a card-playing party game used at orgies; later, the sex was removed from the game. This has widely been regarded as the biggest mistake the human race has made.
The rules of the game are relatively simple regardless of the variation one chooses to play. Almost all games use the same ranking for hands, although feet can be very rank as well. Common games are five-card draw, seven-card stud, Russian poker (a gun is used in place of cards), Alaska give 'em, San Francisco Hold-Him, and Texas hold 'em.
Poker can also refer to video poker, a single-player game seen in casinos much like a slot machine, or to audio poker, which is played verbally with mandatory blindfolds; games of which can last some weeks.
Gameplay[edit]
Objective of Poker[edit]
The objective of any poker game is simply to exit a casino with less money than you went in with. Normally after about five minutes of sitting down to play.
Although the game is claimed to involve both skill and luck, this is an example of shitting the bull, as it actually is 274% luck and -8358% skill. This is proven every time you go all in with a pair of aces (or 4 aces if the dealer likes you) and end up facing 7/2 offsuit (or 7/2 suited if the dealer likes him) as the flop is ALWAYS 7-7-7-7-2-2, without fail. This gives the other player a super full house, meaning that a spear instantly impales your body. The other player (who is probably shit) will then think he's now a professional player, all because he called an all in with 7/2 off. In the words of Phil Hellmuth, this guy is a ******$<%^}^.
The Man With The Plan In The Game, Mr Daniel Negreanu[edit]
It is widely accepted that while there are many players who could be considered the #1 in the world, including Phil Ivey, Phil Hellmuth, Phil Galfond, Phil Laak, or Phil Brunson, it is an unambiguous fact that Mr. Daniel Negreanu is the #20th player in the world, and the only player in the world whose rank among poker players can be divined with any accuracy. He is successful in both tournament and cash games, mostly due to his poker strategy of "small ball" poker, which he discovered after seeing how hard it was for a field mouse to function with abnormally large testicles.
Basic rules[edit]
The rules of poker again are fairly easy (although still complicated enough to confuse even those who actually know how to play). This is doubly true for Omaha, a game in which players are dealt four cards, and whoever has the best cards preflop or on the flop loses.
It begins with the most experienced poker player on the table sighing and saying something along the lines of "I've not played poker for ages, what are the rules again?". This is a sure sign he's probably been playing poker all his life, and probably been involved with a few post poker riverboat shoot-outs. Other giveaways include black sun shades, but they claim they have an eye infection; and possibly they would be wearing a Hawaiian t-shirt, sunvisor, white socks with sandles, and occasionally, a sponsor logo.
The dealer first takes a full 52-card deck and rearranges the cards in his favor (this is called shuffling). Blind players must sit to the left of the dealer, deaf players to the right. After that is completed, a certain number of cards are dealt to each player. Depending on the game, each player may receive between zero and several cards. The players then take their cards and make a hand.
At this point most players will make an obvious indication that the hand is satisfactory, or will attempt to cheat. If a player is caught cheating he is hanged. Women are not allowed to play poker.
Each respective player then attempts to fool the other players into thinking that his random set of cards is worth something when in fact it is not (also known as bullshitting or shitting bulls). After the players decide whether or not they have been sufficiently tricked, they either fold their cards in half and burn them in a crucible, else they enter into a battle of wits with the very mathematics that allows the game to exist. If the player loses (and he usually does), he is then declared financially ruined. The player who manages to avoid the cruel backhand of statistical math gains the money from the toilet, although it is usually a temporary gain as the money will almost certainly be lost in a future game. Players running low on chips are allowed to borrow money from the "house" but risk having their legs broken in several places by a large shaven headed man called Tony if they fail to honor the debt.
In the Wild West, the winner is the player with the biggest hat, and the dealing of cards is just foreplay.
Basic Strategy[edit]
There are several levels of poker thinking.
- Level 1: What do I have?
- Level 2: What does he have?
- Level 3: What does he think I have?
- Level 4: What does he think I think he has?
- Level 5: What does he think I think he's dreaming about?
- Level 6: What does he dream he's dreaming about in the dream?
- Level 7: I can clearly not choose the glass in front of me. But you would know this so I can clearly not choose the glass in front of you.
Common hands[edit]
A hand is an arbitrary combination of cards, some of which are considered better than others. If a player somehow manages to defy logic and draws one of these hands, he may win the round (if it can really be referred to as "winning").
- Brunson: Ten Twos aka T2s. Only wins in a showdown as it will always lose if your opponent(s) fold. Example: 2♣ 2♣ 2♣ 2♣ 2♣ 2♣ 2♣ 2♣ 2♣ 2♣
- Royal flush: All five cards of the same suit card. This is the highest-valued hand because of the astronomical odds of actually drawing this hand (especially with just one deck). Example: A♦ K♦ Q♦ J♦ 10♦
- Straight flush: All five cards are of same suit. Example: 2♦ 3♦ 4♦ 5♦ 6♦
- Gay flush: All five cards are of same suit, and same sex. Example: K♦ J♦ K♦ J♦ K♦
- 7-Card Stud: Hand contains exactly 7 cards (due to dealer fault/bribery). Example: Jok 8♠ 9♠ K♦ A♣ 10♣ 3♥
- EXTRA flush: Contains at least two cards of the same suit. Example: J♦ 5♥ 3♣ 6♣ A♠
- Impossible card: Hand contains one or more impossible cards. Example: 5♠ 10♣ 12♪ X♥ A♦
- Royal Twister: All cards are of different value and color. Example: K♣ 3♥ 1♠ Π♦ 8♦
- Four of a kind: Four of the cards are the same suit. Example: 8♣ 4♣ 9♥ 3♣ 6♣
- Value combo gold: Cards are exactly as follows: 3♣ 8● J♠ A♠ K♥
- Value combo silver: Cards are exactly as follows: 2♠ 3♣ J♦ 7♣ A♦
- Value combo bronze: Cards are exactly as follows: K♣ 8♦ 10♦ 94♣ BATMAN♦
- H4x0r5 house: Hand that contains 1337: 1♠ 3♣ 3♦ 7♠ A♥
- Smith: When you have a four and a random high card. This one is only eligible when you live in the town of Hilversum and are 2metres tall. This hand wins from any other hands. Example: 4♣ J♥ K♣ A♠
- flush H4x0r5: Hand that contains 1337 of the same suit: 1♠ 3♠ 3♠ 7♠ A♠
- Check: Cards form a valid Chess move. Example: ♘♦ A♥ 3♣ A♣ 5♦
- Oscar's potty: Hand that can spell out any 5 letter word when squinting. Example: 8♦ 0♥ 0♦ 8♣ 5♥
- Fibonacci house: Cards follow a Fibonacci sequence, regardless of suit. Example: 1♠ 2♣ 3♥ 5♣ 8♦
- Straight: All cards show numbers or letters constructed purely from straight lines. Example: 1♥ 4♠ 7♦ K♥ 11♠
- Equation: Cards form a valid equation. Example: 2♥ =♠ 8♦ -♠ 6♣
- AAAAA AAAAA: AAAAA AAAA AA AAAAA AAAAAAAA. Example: A♠ A♣ A♦ A♠ A♥
- Motorhead: Cards are exactly as follows: A♠ A♠
- The Portfolio: Your cards are the stock ticker symbols of Fortune 500 companies or large-cap mutual funds.
A'zample: K♠ GE☼ F♦ C¢ AAPL● FCNTX♥
- Credit Cards: Obtaining one or more credit cards in a hand (debit cards are acceptable). Example 2♠ 9♣ VISA 4♠ 10♥
- Mori: When you go back in the game after folding. You need to double everything bet up until now for this to happen.
AC/DC Combo: Cards are exactly as follows: A♠ C♠ / D♠ C♠- Devil's Hand: 3 of a kind spade sixes. Example: 6♠ 6♠ 6♠
- Pi Hand: when you have the pi number. Example: 3♠ 1♠ 4♠ 1♠ 5♠ 9♠
- Klansman Hand: You have KKK. The klansmen will come with their spades and ropes, poke you and hang you. Example: K♠ K♠ K♠
- Gangsta Hand: Cards spell a word only black people use, or a rappers name. Example: A♠ X♠' N♠ I♠ G♠ G♠ A♠ 50♠ C♠ E♠ N♠ T♠'
- N3wb Hand: Cards spell a word only computer nerds use. Example: N♠ O♠ O♠ B♠ P♠ W♠ N♠ E♠ D♠ G♠ T♠ F♠ O♠
- Dirty Hand: One or more cards contains an explicit name or phrase. Example: FUCK♠ SHIT♠' ASS♠ CUNT♠ SUCKMYDICK♠ NIPPLES♠ ASSHOLE♠ I♠ NEED♠ MORE♠ PUSSY♠ TONIGHT♠'
- Other: All other hands are considered worthless. Example: A♠ K♠ Q♠ J♠ 10♠
Poker Terminology[edit]
Wilde Cards - 'Wilde cards' were those most used in the early days of poker; however they were outlawed due to their persistent reckless behavior. Players tired of being thrown from their chairs and in time, thanks to dedicated breeding, domesticated 'tame cards' became the norm.
Jacking Off At The River - a practice severely frowned upon by most players, involving repeated fast play of one's hand. Known in the UK as the 'One King' strategy.
The Fosbury - A kind of 'flop' invented during the 1960s, when the introduction of extra thick baize on poker tables permitted this without fear of injury to the player. This enabled Dick Fosbury to attain the highest recorded poker hand at the time, measuring 2.24 meters / 7 feet 4.25 inches.
Floppy Nuts - when a player goes all in on 2♣/7♥, and the flop is J♠/Q♠/K♠, he is said to have drawn floppy nuts. This is not to be confused with the Nutty Flop, which is a flop consisting of seventeen 2 Bop Bop Bop Bop to the flop- this is used when there is a queer at the table hitting floppy nuts on the second round of betting
Cry me a RIVER - this is when the poker game is abandoned due to unforeseen circumstances ie flooding or natural disasters such as the releasing of an unbearable gas from an opponent's arse or the general arrival of Chuck Norris
Poker probabilities[edit]
| Number of opponents | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Odds of winning | underfavourite | underfavourite | underfavourite | underfavourite | underfavourite | underfavourite | underfavourite | underfavourite | underfavourite |
| Odds of losing | favourite-dog | favourite | favourite | favourite | favourite | favourite | favourite | favourite | favourite |
History[edit]
Invention[edit]
Poker was invented in ancient times was was commonplace throughout the Roman Empire at least 50 years before the birth of Christ. Originally the deck consisted of 48 cards, with an additional 52 Jokers, all of which were wild. Split pots were not uncommon. Back in the old days ], they didn't have things to gamble on like those newfangled horses or hats with feathers, so they had to gamble on less frivolous things such as PSP's, PS3's, and Pamela Anderson clones).
However, if recent claims by Professor Nothing Todo from University of Trashland are to be believed, then the game's origin goes back to the late 1400's. According to his research, the game was invented out of utter boredom and frustration by a douche named Pokernikus. He was a long lost cousin of Nicholas Kopernikus. While Kopernicus was too busy formulating his theories of the Universe, Pokernicus )couldn't take the loneliness and thus, toiled hard to create a game he could play with other douchebags without moving his lazy a**.
Origins of the ace[edit]
Once the wild cards were reduced, 'to generally less than 17 per deck' ("Hoyle On Poker: A Dead White Guy Teaches You How To Think Like One" London, 1865, pp134), people started winning (and losing!) at Poker. The non-wild cards in the deck ran only Deuce to King, as it was generally held that Ones were a bit pointless, since no-one could think of a cool-sounding nickname for them like 'treys'. But in 1877, a tense game of Poker in the 'Wild West', a bar two miles north of Schenectady, NY, ended in uproar when James Jessey, a keen player, took umbrage at one too many 'bad beats' and, on seeing at the showdown that his opponent's 4 kings could not be beaten, simply took four blank pieces of paper and placed a letter 'A' on each one. 'This is a higher card', he said, producing his six-shooter to quell all arguments. The 'ace' quickly became popular, and was incorporated into the deck. The practice of inventing new ranks of card mid-game died out in the 1890's, during the Great Paper Famine.
Variations[edit]
Often inferior players would, when faced with a tough raise, ask their opponent to give them 'a clue' as to the cards they held. If the other player agreed, the requesting player (the 'divot') would turn one of their own cards face-up on the table. This, combined with an overenthusiastic dealer, led to the invention of 7-Stud in 1884. Further variations like Texas hold' em, Freddie Mercury's Mustache, Alabama chew 'em and electric boogaloo high-low split (now, alas, played almost nowhere) soon followed.
The most popular form of Poker in the world today is Mississippi Sip'em (or 'Mahjong'), which has only one rule which can be expressed linguistically (and this is it).
Furthermore, the variation of gimpetus verticalis where players will be forced to sit on the ceiling and attempt to throw their best cards into each others eyes before the blood rushes to their brain ultimately ending in their inevitable death, mostly played by suicidal gimps!
Betting[edit]
Most Humans will bet small children, unborn fetuses, mother-in-laws, vital organs, another human's vital organs, and animal remains. Often the bets are decided before the game is started. Bets can include anything of value from toilet paper to solid gold breasts. Many young women decided to put their dignity as well as their virginity on the poker court. This is popular amongst Las Vegas whores and extremely drunk women. Sometimes men try to place their dignity on the table but that usually ends in their death.
Prohibition[edit]
By the mid 1800s, poker was very popular and, for a brief period, Friday was renamed Pokernight and men were relieved of all prior family commitments in order to participate in the game. However, as more and more people began to realize the truly evil nature of the game, a public outcry from concerned citizens resulted in the United States government passing the Devil's Card Game Act of 1844.
The act prevented the game from being played anywhere within the country, and also disallowed poker chips from being manufactured or sold. While the act was backed by many citizens, it was despised by others -- poker players mainly. Desperate players turned to bootlegging; that is, the manufacture of illegal poker paraphernalia for unlawful poker games. The illegal games were often set up in the backrooms of bars and pet stores, where men would congregate for hours at a time. The government stopped paying attention after awhile and the prohibition law was de facto repealed, although technically it is still punishable by up to 14 years in prison.
Present day[edit]
Today, poker remains illegal, though like murder, people do it anyway. It is most commonly played in the home or outside of the home. While early generations were well aware of the true nature of poker, the last few generations seem to remain oblivious to the evil intentions of the game. It continues to destroy lives on a daily basis.
Famous Players[edit]
The most famous unconfirmed player in poker history was Inflatable Bill [Explanation unavailable due to uncontrollable circumstances involving Interpol].
Jesus Christ played the game and made history in the process: it was during The Last Poker (i.e., the final weekly Poker night that Jesus held with his twelve foremost Disciples just before His crucifixion) that Judas Iscariot dealt Jesus the first-ever "Dead Man's Hand" from the bottom of the deck and won a pot worth 30 pieces of silver in the bargain.
Mr. T was a famous poker player. He play to get mo' gold on neck.
Optimus Prime won his role in Transformers by betting against the Honda Robot back in 1976. He later bet the role in a game against Satan on the Spanish Train. Satan was later caught cheating by the almighty God. He promptly returned the role to Optimus.
Michael Jackson once won a small human boy in a game of poker against Bill Gates and Edgar Allen Poe.
Oz Pearlman is also known for inventing the infamous poker strategy of wearing black sunglasses. The general idea behind it was that other players would not notice when he fell asleep and would themselves become tired waiting for him to end his turn. This would however, often backfire once someone realized that he had actually fallen asleep, and then proceed to draw on his face with permanent markers. Today, this strategy is still used to make it harder for others to read one's facial expressions. Considering that sunglasses only cover a small portion of the face, it is easy to understand why this strategy is amazingly uneffective. Additionally, the sunglasses make you look like a jackass (perhaps the only positive aspect).
Zhuge Liang was undoubtedly an enormously famous and successful poker player due to his extraordinary intelligence. He was able to predict absolutely everything and hence always wins, especially when he's playing against Cao Cao and Sima Yi. It's very unfortunate that he died on the Wuzhang Table during one of his matches because he refused to take breaks and kept on working on his plans for his hand.
Psychics are all excellent at poker, but many did not play because their predictions has told them that they were going to lose.
Doyle Brunson and Chris Ferguson also merit a shared line between them.
Chipolucho/Chipolino - some Mexican. Loves donkeys.
CATS was very good at poker, but in a historical game he said "all your base are belong to us" and offended the captain thus ending his days of poker.
A pack of dogs were very good at poker, until a squirrel ran by.
See also[edit]
