Intel
Intel is one of the hottest CPUs (Central Pwning Units) under the sun with latest models running at an optimal pwning temperature of slightly over 9000 degrees celsius. This is essential for all purposes related to modern day pwning, pwnage and most importantly the acquisition of porn.
Some warnings[edit]
Intel CPUs may however have some problems. They will occasionally eat other chips near them, causing them asplode, and may also spontaneously ignite due to playing movies, listening to music, or copying an essay. You may find yourself suffering from 'blue screen of death' syndrome. Intense processing may also cause a severe explosion in the upper duplex layers, ripping a hole in the universe. We assume this has something to do cheese, condoms and/or nuclear warheads.
New Intel Technologies[edit]
Although the early CPUs were slow they were suitable for playing the porn of the day as it was available only at 2400bps on dial up so it was more of an anticipation thing back then anyway.
MMXXX (Multi-Media-XXX)[edit]
First introduced in Intel Pentium 2, MMXXX was a data streaming technology, that allowed hard-core pornography to be streamed, for the first time without putting a heavy load on the CPU. Not only did this allow for much higher resolution porn on the home PC, but the new availability of cheap pornography motivated mankind (not Al Gore) to connect enough computers together to create the internet.
PSN (Processor Sellout Number)[edit]
In 1996, Intel teamed up with Microsoft to create PSN, which was first implemented in Intel Pentium 3. Due to this however, the porn search function was left out, in order to keep the price below $3500.
PSN is an unique identification number in all Intel Pentium 3 processors, which monitors your web activity, and generates a profile through MMXXX. This profile is then sent to Intel, then to Microsoft. This is used to create advertisements best suited to your habbits.
Intel Atom[edit]
Intel's newer, low end (& low power) CPUs that have a die size of one atom (hence the name) is becoming increasingly popular. The primary reason for this is that people are losing them and need to continually replace them
The Old, Ancient Intel Core 2 Extreme[edit]
The new intel released in 2005/2006 is the Intel Core 2 Extreme processor,two engines inside the cpu and powered by diesel, it supports Paint, Notepad and many games like Unreal Tournament, and Unreal Tourn Cement and even complicated CPU eating games such as Minesweeper. Also Half Life 2, where you go through the game only getting 50% life or even if your lucky 50% squared.
Intel and AMD are both fighting to get higher in the Mhz, Intel is now at the Intel GoogleplexMhz EXTREME, While AMD has the AMD -3000Ghz unextreme bortech 3000 GL Pluss.
Many models, starting from the Pentium 2, and including Pentium 3, Pentium 3 GS 1200, and ROTFL, included Floating Point Arithmetic functionality. Mac users far and wide will tell you that the concept is ludicrous, but Intel argues that that's because Mac users think practically everything they can't find in their own home is ludicrous.
The Pentium 4 introduced a concept called "hyper-threading", which is a type of very fast weaving performed by the movement of the CD drive.
Then came "Dual Core" which actually was really two cores. Hence the name "Dual Core".
For quite a long time now, Intel has been selling the Shitteron range of processors (formally known as the Celeron). Despite it being called the Shitteros, people who are on a budget still buy them due to their cheap prices. The processors are of course manufactured in China using cheap labor. Companies such as Acer like masquerading Intel Shitterons as Intel Core 2 Duo processors to make them sound up to date and fast, but actually are slow and shit. They are actually the same as the ones which are not Shitterons, but the shits at Intel have deliberately fucked with it because that's cheaper than actually making less shit ones.
Windows Vista and Intel[edit]
Intel chips were upgraded (a variable term) to run on Windows Vista ready home PC's. (Notice the 3D appearance. It is said that Windows Vista would not be able to run on the latest Intel Chipsets, but they are currently working on a new kind of chip that supports Vista and its hungry needing for a better graphics card. The result is the new Chipset codename 3D that will be used in these new Vista Ready machines.
Intel Versions[edit]
In the beginning, there was the 4004. As an 4-bit microprocessor, an unusable cpu for anything else than eating power, Then there was the 8080 a 8-bit CPU, it didn't have enough balls to run jack shit. It supported only one mode of operation, known as "real mode" because it forced users to do calculations "for real", on a sheet of paper printed by the computer. This is the real reason why the Watergate break-in failed (what the hell would you expect...it was 1973 for Christ sake!).
- Intel Pentium 1, also known as the Intel 80585.9, came in 1990, it had enough power to run PAINT.
- Intel Pentium 2 came in 1993.3, it had enough processing power to run both Notepad and Paint all at the same time.
- Intel Pentium 3 was released in 1996 and had the capabilities to run Windows' mega-bloat GUIs which introduced features such as start bars and color. Due to the Asian Mental Crisis of 1992, the Internet Porn search function was accidentally left out from the processor.
- To rectify the problem, the Intel Pentium 3 GS 1200 also came later in 1996. In 1998 Intel Pentium 3 1250 GS, GE, LOL, and toast all were produced.
- Intel Pentium 3 2000 GE sport-tech fancy illumination gaming, Intel Pentium 4 450Mhz GLE sport, Intel Intel GE, Intel Toaster for toasters that support 5B4 formatting. Intel Cross GR 500, Intel 7800Mhz Sporting, Intel GS, Intel Fat32, Intel NTFS 4000 FG, Intel Se, Intel Pentium 5, Intel Core extreme, Intel ROTFL.
- Intel Pentium D was released in 2005, and it was primarily designed to work on microwaves and ovens, as the main heat source.
In late 2005, Intel realised it had made a serious blunder by discontinuing production of the Fat32. This processor was now being used in almost every McDonald's cash register, because it was the only low-cost processor able to process the amount of fat in each meal.
- (KFC of course had been using room-sized mechanical computers from IBM instead; the grease to keep the gears and pulleys running smoothly was always in abundance. Meanwhile the Fat32 chips were, especially in the UK and Australia, mistaken for fries, and thus fried and sometimes eaten, requiring McDonald's to continually replace them.)
- Intel i7 was released in 20?? and was the latest porncessor of the day. Hyper-Porning aloud users to run other types of porn during waiting times of other porn. Quad-core means 4 ways to process porn, as well as 4 ways to make heat.
Intel Get Apple[edit]
In 2006 Apple bribed Intel to work with them for what were initially called 'InTApples'. They were also offered the right to install their chips on Apple's upcoming iPhone range. However Intel techs had spent so many years making their computers run red hot to carry 'adult movies', this made them inefficient for a cellular phone. Unless you liked receiving first degree burns to your hands. Instead Apple placed that order with people creating the low powered chips licensed by a jazz-funk outfit called ARM.
Apple stayed with Intel for their main line computers until 2020 when they produced their own range of chips. This lead to a divorce between the two. Soon Apple were no longer returning Intel's calls.