Census

“You fill out my census, like a knight in a forest.”

~ John Denver on the census

A census is a Government official whose job it is, once every ten years, to go around and paint black boxes over all male and female genitalia.

History

Censi (Censi being the plural of Census) were created during the Victorian Age. At the time, sex was a taboo subject in England, and people would reproduce by splitting down the middle, much in the same way as horses. As a result, the genitals were no longer needed and thus they would be obscured in order not to offend or corrupt the innocent children. Upon completion of this act, the Census would shout, "LolZoR, J00 jUzt G0t C3|\|5orEc|, B14tC|-|!!!!1111oneoneone". Upon hearing this, all would rejoice as the morals of an entire society were protected for another 10 years.

The role of the Census today

• Nowadays, the role of the Census is mainly ceremonial, and were it not for the fact that the Queen enjoys the feel of the soft horsehair paintbrush being stroked gently across her breasts and vagina, she would have outlawed them long ago.
• In British sex clubs, Censi are required to hold up a blue dot obscuring the action that is taking place on stage, owing to an outdated law which states that people may have sex as long as no one (not even the people participating in the reproductive act) can see the actual act of penetration. This is also why all British people must have the lights out when they are sleeping together.
• The Order of the Census is England's 212th highest rank of chivalry.

The Census in Popular culture

• In 2004, the infamous anti-semite Dan Brown published a book about the Order of the Census, wherein he claimed that Censi were actually the invention of the Jewish wealthy elite living in London, and that on Easter day they would kidnap little Christian boys and crucify them. The two-dimensional protagonist character, Dr. Langdon, has to rush around London, stopping the noisome misdeeds of the Censi before defusing a nuclear bomb, only to find out that the Order of the Census never really existed and it was all a fabrication of the Pope in order to provide His Holiness with a reason to declare a Holy Crusade on England to bring it back into the Bosom of the Church. Langdon manages to thwart this, and finishes by discovering that the Great Stone Face of Mars is, in fact, the resting place of the Ark of the Covenant.

• A little known book called the Bible claims that a Census is, in fact, a governmental method of counting the population. However, this book was written by famous humorist Oscar Wilde, and this preposterous claim is, in fact, a piece of satire condemning the burning of Savonarola by the Florentine Republic.