Microsoft Windows

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Development

A longevity studies demonstrated that the error-tolerance and self-blaming observed in laboratory studies was short-term, and the development team were forced to reevaluate their strategies. After closely examining the implementation illustration created by the marketing department, their error was immediately apparent: software designers had created the rider and the stick, but had failed to produce the carrot for the donkey to follow.

The developers addressed the problem by by providing new software and a new service support plan:

Support type Translation
"Bug Fixes" Code previously approved by vote of the "VFI panel" is then removed by the Vote for Removal (VFR) panel.
"Telephone support" Charge $3.99 per minute to read the customer the chapters on "Reboot" or "Reinstall" verbatim from the book How to use Windows: New User Experience™. If that fails, direct them to "Bug Fixes" (q.v.) and hype the upcoming "New Version" (q.v.).
"New Versions" Using the management technique of creeping featurism, publish a version of Windows that seems better than its predecessor, both aesthetically and functionally, but in fact does none of the same things but instead introduces a new set of VFI'd bugs along with some cherished favourites.
"Killer Apps" Notepad, Minesweeper, Calculator, 3D Text screensaver, Ms Paint, and the ubiquitous solitaire. These are called "Killer Apps" because they take lives, or at least social lives.

Internet

Believing the Internet to be nothing more than a glorified Bulletin Board system (BBS) of use only to a handful of nerds, Gates and company were late-comers to the browser wars. Their lateness not only cost them the opportunity for software patents but also threatened them to return the product back to the dark days of stability. Worldwide communication meant virus and trojan alerts through newsgroups, file trading in illicit software (like patches and fixes), and worst of all, troubleshooting by expert users during their free time free of charge. In short, with the Internet it had never been easier to ensure that a copy of Windows was running in tip-top shape. Early versions of Internet Explorer proved unusable, but by installing it by default with every copy of Windows, it offered the hope of re-establishing imbalance towards the Windows line.

But Microsoft's masterstroke was its gradual integration of Internet Explorer as the operating system's file browser, and the wide use of "DirectX" technology. This not only provided users with direct access to the Internet from any window but also provided hackers with direct access to the user's computer from any virus. Combined with its own in-house "anti-virus" software, a truly attractive but sub-standard software package which developers used their extra time to carefully construct, Microsoft guaranteed a cycle of dependence for years to come.

Activation

With growth of the internet and p2p, software piracy became rife with versions of Windows such as Windows XD: Pirate Edition that were stripped of its "New Versions" and VFI'd bugs. This had severe consequences for the company, who no longer had control over what bugs a user was entitled to keep and/or remove. Microsoft responded by releasing its activation system, along with propriety adware in the guise of "must-have" software such as Windows Movie Maker and Windows Live Messenger, among others.

Automatic software updates were also turned on automatically, so all the latest bugs were always available to the end user. This was in addition to a new killer-app for Windows Fiesta and beyond; the restart computer reminder. A user could no longer keep a Windows computer on for more than four hours without being reminded that their machine needs to be restarted. This is a testament to the amount of bugs created every minute by Microsoft Employees which need constant editing; however, a user can enjoy exactly the same behaviour from their computer by installing Windows 666 without activating it. Microsoft are working on this problem.

Blue Screen of Death

The BSoD 1.0

Main article: Blue Screen of Death

The Blue Screen of Death (BSoD) is a major problem. Unfortunately, it has never been fixed. Microsoft keeps trying to fix it, but never successfully fixes it.

In Windows Vista, Microsoft changed the BSoD to have a red background, hoping to make it less infamous. But Windows Vista was a total failure that it was the worst OS from Microsoft, so Microsoft went back to the BSoD with a blue background just like Windows XP.

Due to this infamous problem, you can buy it as software. However, it comes with all Windows versions.

The Past

“Source code? You can't handle the source code!”

~ Bill Gates on source code

In we're-pretending-to-develop-it versions, the different levels were called null, fail, craptastic, windows WTF edition (WTF stood for a new Windows Text Format), and "almost works." However the marketing team decided that this wasn't very user friendly so these were changed to the more comprehensible and accurate names student, home, professional, business, ultimate, and a new secret edition could be unlocked by typing "windows_is_so_awesome.exe -like bill.gates into a terminal window which could be unlocked by typing "windows_is_so_awesome.exe -like bill.gates into a terminal window which could be unlocked by typing "windows_is_so_awesome.exe -like bill.gates into a terminal window which could be unlocked by [[X] LOOP ERROR - ATTEMPT RECOVERY]

This included some suggestions for improvements to be made by the user. unfortunately some bright spark noticed that releasing the source code would result in it being turned into something that worked by evil penguins. The bonus version can now only be activated by sending your bank account details to M****$** who will deal with them under the company privacy policy.

See also


Logo and wordmark

Your money. Our jackpot prizes.


  • Detect "non-genuine" products
  • Gather user information and credit card numbers
  • Cripple core system components
  • Deploy legal team
  • Launch civil litigation


Estimated time remaining:

Forever, or if you give me a cookie, I might shorten it to an hour.



Installing Windows has never been easiereasy


All you need to do is phone your local Microsoft Customer Representative, write down a very long set of numbers, type it all in, get an error message, phone our Customer Representative again, adjust a few things, get another very long set of numbers, type it all in again, install a few drivers, activate Windows again, lather, rinse and repeat.




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