I wanna finish my memoir before I die… don’t wanna like die from a random car accident… that’d be lame as fuck…
Or worse yet, getting like amnesia or something…
So the universe is trolling. Either you have suicidal thoughts or you have death anxiety… 🫠
I have regrettably made suicidal gestures in my life or even been so distressed that I have impulsively wanted to do things like crash my car full speed into a telephone pole.
But a particular thing happened a few months ago…not really related to my life…rather a podcast I found and began listening to. Something clicked in my brain and I am now absolutely fucking terrifying of death. I really really don’t want to fucking not exist anymore and I know that it is inescapable. I started looking around at others in the background of my daily life like…
“What the fuck are we even doing here? Doesn’t everyone realize that we are all going to die? Doesn’t everyone realize that they will just cease to exist one day? I don’t want to die. Everything we are going right now is pointless and a waste of time. Why is everyone on the planet not all scrambling to figure out how to not cease to exist forever?”
I can’t stop thinking about it, really. It’s terrifying.
Please don’t reply to me with copium about how you love that you’re going to become dirt because it’s part of the earth or some shit. I’m not interested and it doesn’t work on me.
But I think I kind of get you, OP.
Preserving life is the normal condition, desire for suicide is a malfunction.
Malfunctions temporary fixed…
But my brain runs on windows…
Blue screen could appear randomly at any time.
How do I upgrade my brain’s OS to Linux? 🤔
I wish I knew.
i eventually came to a point at which i care about making appointments with the dentist regularly. (not good care, but you know). it was a long way since i started the process of “ok let’s try this living for a while, what needs to change to make it viable?”
of course this didn’t look nearly as optimistic in the beginning. it was rather doomy. but there is a place for all of us, and there are people that can help finding it. my anxiety is still with me but i can manage it better, i feel. i’m glad you got on the way. :)
Yeah I’m just getting back to the point where it seems like a good idea to start making doctor/dentist appointments again, but after neglecting my health (physical,mental,dental) for like 15 years it makes it extra hard to take those first steps. A part of me was hoping I wouldn’t live long enough for it to matter, but now I just know that I need to take steps to minimize my suffering in the future or things will just keep getting worse.
I experience this. I started writing and it seems to help
It’s absurd how comforting it is to read your post, OP, and all these other’s comments. One could think it would be depressing to realize so many others are in a similar state, and yet I mainly feel relieved at not being alone in such an experience.
Stuff like death anxiety or the call of the void is very common. It is the human brain’s way of telling us what not to do so that we can keep living since all animals have a very strong survival instinct. It takes time to get used to it, but it will happen.
