MacGyver

MacGyver

Creator	Lee David Zlotoff
Airing Date	1885–1992
Rated	C for Clever
Genre	Shitty; Amazing
Followed by	Get Fucked MacGyver
How will you react?	I need my fucking pot to be able to sit through this shit!

“I made this article myself, using nothing but a toothbrush, some paperclips, a back issue of Cosmo and duct tape.”
~ MacGyver

MacGyver is one clever dude who bears a striking resemblance to the internationally known actor Andrew Dean Richardson. He is best known for being the inventor of duct tape. He also goes by the alias of family-friendly Jack Bauer. There is a rumour that they were both one and the same due to their sheer awesomeness. The apparent story is one day MacGyver got pissed off and actually killed someone thus becoming Bauer. However being Jack Bauer only takes up one day of his time every year, so he also has time to lead the Star Gate SG1 team. He is renowned for making bombs out of no more than duct tape and kittens. Before exploring the galaxy he was fighting communism and before that he was member of the police force (see Inspector Gadget). MacGyver is the Marvel version of DC Comics' Batman, the man who can defeat anything as long as he is prepared.

Problems solved by MacGyver[edit | edit source]

MacGyver was killed in a botched time travel experiment on January 3, 1912, when the hypervelocity temporal attenuator he crafted out of a bar of soap exploded. MacGyver then escaped from hell the next day using a toothpick, a spool of wire, a bottle of dishwashing detergent, a candle, and a photograph of a zebra. Don't ask why he had a photograph of a zebra and a bottle of dishwashing detergent. You don't want to know.
MacGyver fixed the title of this page using a paperclip (broken into precisely 4.73 pieces), a stick of gum (not chewed, because that would be too icky for MacGyver to handle), a match (charred to a crisp), half an Outback nine-ounce fillet mignon (rare), and a used condom (not his).
MacGyver destroyed a heat-oriented laser bot using a CD case and two toothpicks. He placed the CD case into the robot's hardware and rubbed the toothpicks until they set on fire. He then placed the toothpicks onto the CD case's little holes. Although he didn't hit it that hard, the bot detected heat upon itself and self-destructed.
To open a packet of ketchup whilst dining at McWendy's, MacGyver constructed a low-yield nuclear weapon using duct tape, three fries, a square of toilet paper, some opened packets of ketchup, his own face, and a drink cup half-filled with warm lemonade. The device only succeeded in weakening the packet, however, and another nuke was necessary to breach the packet's carapace.
MacGyver built an mp3 player by using a staple, a nail clipper and a keyboard Insert key. He used the software existent in the Insert key and inserted the staple onto it to create more space. He then turned the nail clipper into phones, by melting them down and using the copper existent in them as an electric conducter.
MacGyver utilized duct tape, three Q-tips, a garlic press, a white crew sock, a nylon hammock, a little bit of lemon peel, a little bit of orange peel, two shots of 25 year old Macallan single malt scotch whisky, and one trolling motor to knock out six homeless crazies living in an abandoned orphanage and escape down the wall from an eighth-floor window.
MacGyver used an umbrella and some toilet paper to escape from a prison. He was on the 4th floor of a high security prison in a foreign country. To escape, he took the fabric out of the umbrella, leaving only the hooks and used the toilet paper as rope to rappel his way down the prison's wall.
Murdoch dumped MacGyver in the Kalahari Desert, the latter wearing only a pair of blue Spandex shorts, and carrying nothing but his toothbrush and a packet of Sherbet lemons. And he still found his way to Bulawayo before Ramadan.
Macgyver, using a fridge, two sticks of deodorant, and a Stargate, made a VCR display the correct time.
MacGyver once succeeded in causing the sun to explode using only three donuts, a map of Rwanda, and a dead bee. He then fixed the sun again with nothing but deer droppings, a quart of milk and the transmission from a 1987 Honda Civic.
Once, to hold some stuff together, MacGyver took a bomb and made it into a length of duct tape, three feet of string and four paper clips, and used them for taping, tying, and clipping, respectively. When he was done he had a foot of duct tape, eight inches of string and two papers clips left, so he made them back into another, larger bomb.
MacGyver built a nerve gas grenade using five highlighter pens, a nickel, a roll of duct tape, a Spanish-English dictionary, and a cup of jello in order to escape from his captors; a group of Dutch cardiologists.
To stop a Junichiro Koizumi-possessed Chuck Norris, who was hell-bent on destroying Bakersfield, California, MacGyver constructed a gigantic Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man out of ten gallons of Elmer's glue, a bottle of kerosene, and three German Shepherds. Norris repeatedly tried to use roundhouse kicks against the marshmallow man, but they harmlessly bounced off. He eventually passed out from exhaustion, after which the angry Koizumi spirit fled his body and swore vengeance against MacGyver.
One day, while shaving with his duct-tape razor, MacGyver noticed that the earth was about to be hit by a meteorite. Taking a pink plastic flamingo, a pair of red satin boxer shorts and a moderately-sized gerbil, MacGyver managed to redirect the meterorite into North Korea. He was hence given the keys to the world during an event which is now known as Christmas.
To escape from a relationship he just wasn't that into, MacGyver used a comb, six matches, a roll of duct tape, and a sympathetic but firm letter explaining his feelings and his reasons for leaving.
In what has been described by Shir Sean Connery as the "the mosht recklessh act of hereshy in the hishtory of ever," Chuck Norris picked a fight with MacGyver by roundhouse kicking a steel-reinforced concrete door shut on him, trapping him a room with a 0.3-megaton thermonuclear device on board a deep-sea research vessel headed for the Seychelles archipelago to investigate coelacanths living near underwater hydrothermal sulfur vents. MacGyver disarmed the bomb with a flathead screwdriver, an avocado, an icepick, two snorkels, four toothpicks, duct tape, low-fat milk, a whetstone, neon gas, oven cleaner, two pesto-infusing turkey syringes, the Batman symbol, 432 cases of Coors Light, and his own theme music. He escaped by using a controlled explosion against the door, scattering the plutonium over the surface of the sea. He vowed revenge on Chuck Norris. Current whereabouts of both parties: unknown. Feud: ongoing.
Before taking a vacation, he needed to make a replacement. He constructed the The A-Team out of four field mice, a kitten and a bottle of Vitamin C pills. Mr. T just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and joined the gang later on.
Aided the Viking god Loki in building the five robotic lions that would combine to become Ultra Jesus. He completed this task with duct tape, a few flakes of dandruff and Siegfried's left ear. Using this technology, Loki later betrayed, abducted and cloned MacGyver in order to gain eternal life. MacGyver ditched Loki in favour of Thor.
MacGyver once built a Tesla coil out of three M&M's, five matches, two pine cones, and a booger. It is the only known device which has been verified not to employ duct tape in its construction. It recently sold at auction for 1.5 million dollars.
MacGyver built a Thermonuclear Device out of the hull of an MTB, five sweaters, duct tape, a hydraulic cat and a Zamboni. With this device he solved the North Korea problem in a single devastating blow.
Needing an escape route from Uluru, Macgyver ingeniously created an aeroplane from sixteen Asians, three waffles and a duck's quack. Soon after, the bridge exploded.
MacGyver created a machine gun out of ten napkins, two toothpicks, a packet of sugar, and some dirt from the bottom of a shoe.
MacGyver was once in a grave situation. He was out of jet fuel and was in dire need of getting to the location of three bombs that were set to go off in approximately nine minutes. Being the genius that he is, MacGyver used two rancid ducks, some coconuts and some Goats to create a jet fuel so strong that he got to the bombs nine minutes earlier than he should have.
MacGyver, finding himself up shit creek, had to find his way back down. In order to do this, he built a paddle out four rolls of Charmin extra soft toilet paper, two Louisville Slugger baseball bats, and three beaver skins.
MacGyver repaired the hole in the ozone layer using a colostomy bag, two AAA batteries, and a pair of sunglasses. Twice.

The epic MacGyver maneuver

MacGyver also fired Peter Thornton from the Phoenix Foundation, when MacGyver learned Thornton was stealing money from the Foundation.

To escape a time paradox, Macgyver made a reverse infinity bomb out of a calculator, some pie, and his knowledge of everything. He would later release a book entitled, "How to Divide by NOT 0."
To escape from his room as a child, he used all the smoke alarms in his room, a toaster, the blood of a virgin, a link from the chains of Mr. T, eight paper clips, a jar full of toenail clippings, a section of his room's carpet, that rock all the Muslims worship, and a quart of milk to construct an experimental explosive. Unfortunately, it demolished most of the wall of his room, and hilarity ensued when a young Macgyver had to explain himself, and learned the lesson of self-restraint. Which he forgot when he demolished the garage in a similar fashion a week later.
To change the fact that you don't want a poodle, MacGyver called on fifty rabid poodles, half the furry demographic, five shipments of a revolutionary new product by the makers of Soylent Green, Soylent Kibble (poodle flavor), mustard, and a random musical number. It was the musical number that changed your mind. Unfortunately, when you got your new poodle, it started singing the same exact song. Now she sings it every day, leaving it to be stuck in your head ... forever.
To stop an oil leak, BP called upon MacGyver. He plugged it with a dixie cup, his urine, and a baby liger.

MacGyver's Laws[edit | edit source]

You can make a bomb out of anything, anywhere, anytime. (Eat your vegetables and see rule number 3.)
Soviet cars have English manuals and printings on engine parts. It really doesn't matter, as MacGyver speaks fluent Russian.
All vegetables are explosive. (See rule number one.)
Chocolate neutralizes sulfuric acid. If not, just add some paper clips and wrap them with duct tape.
The universe is constructed of four basic elements: Duct tape, paper clips, toilet paper and string. These are mutually exclusive and non-commutative, the upshot of which is that they represent the few materials that MacGyver is unable to simply construct.
There is a Swiss army knife in the center of our galaxy.
In String Theory, rather than being composed of zero-dimensional points, the universe is composed of one-dimensional strings which wind through space and time. However, in MacGyver's Tape Theory, the universe is constructed of two-dimensional tapes, silver on one side and sticky on the other, which wind through space and time. The heart of every hardon, boson and quark is a tiny ball of duct tape. Likewise, in Duct Tape Theory, the action of gravity and nuclear forces can be explained by multidimensional tapes binding together the particles of the universe. Because everything in the universe is composed of duct tape, Tape Theory explains how MacGyver is able to use Duct Tape to create so many different items.
Murdoc always survives, even when he commits a successful suicide attempt.
To knock out a guy, you only need to hit him in the shoulder.
Always tell everyone that you don't use a gun, even though you have one as a back-up.
If you meet a woman on a mission, you're going to kiss her within an hour.
Most likely the same woman is either a KGB-agent or just plain evil.
You will never get hit in a barrage, and if you do, it will hit your Swiss Army Knife.
You can always, ALWAYS make a jetpack out of your methane gas (you know).
Never, NEVER let anyone tell you that you can't make a jet pack out of tampons. I've done it before.
One of the attachments on your Swiss army knife is a Swiss army knife. On this knife is attached another Swiss army knife which attaches back to the first one thus completing the loop and rendering the implement never ending and multi-realised and it's task completed before it's begun.

Son of Gyver[edit | edit source]

Clan History[edit | edit source]

MacGyver is also one of the last descendants of a fabled Scottish clan of fierce fighters and ingenious engineers. The clan fought many famous battles, including the notorious Bloodbath at Bacon Bridge (1315) during which they killed off the entire MacLeod clan (except for one, who mysteriously stood up again after the massacre and has recently been seen in countless B-movies) using a medieval tank built from a couple of barrels, a stuffed duck and a large haggis.

Macgyver's real first name is not Angus, as many seem to believe. As he was named Angus, he got made fun of in school for being meat. Being so pissed off, he decided to fly away on balloon like rockets made out of six matches, four carrots, three onion rings, and a few ipods. Though it is not known how the rocket flew, it just did. He actually does not in fact have a first name and, being ashamed of this, he secretly names himself Angus, and lets it slip out a couple times. For example, in episode 5,043,493,493,956 Macgyver says "OH SHIT I'M GETTING ATTACKED BY ANGUS I MEAN MACGYVER BURGERS!" However, because of the newly acquired knowledge of the stupidity and ugliness of this name, he does not want anyone to know. It's a vicious cycle. Much like his washer and dryer.

The MacGyver clan is also suspected of constructing the world's first nuclear warhead (in 1534) from donkey droppings, firewater, and pigeon intestines. It was long believed their nuclear tests sunk the magnificent city of Atlantis and caused the Shetland Islands to break off from Scotland and drift into the sea. While the later is still held to be true, it has recently been discovered that the Atlanteans ran out of free beer on Earth and were therefore forced to relocate to the Pegaus Galaxy. This event, while coinciding with the alleged construction of the world's first nuclear warhead by the MacGyver clan, had absolutely nothing to do with it, though rumours still persist about the MacGyvers drinking all the free beer they could get their hands on.

MacGyver had a son in 1972, who he named MacGruber. Their crazy adventures are chronicled on the popular show MacGruber and MacGyver's Wacky Funtime Saturday Late Night House of ... Aw, screw it, Saturday Night Live. MacGyver is in no way gay. Ever.

Clan Markings[edit | edit source]

The MacGyver clan gains its power through its insistence on the mullet haircut, as evidenced through MacGyver's founding and membership within the mullet supergroup The Muleteers. Even today, he and his allies, when working together, work to stop the nefarious plans of their archenemies, including Vin Diesel and George Steinbrenner.

Curiously, every member of the MacGyver clan, except one, has been called only MacGyver. Even though this practice was the source of an odd misunderstanding or two, it did have the evolutionary advantage of not causing confusion when being taunted by their enemies with the infamous catch phrase "Who's yer daddy?"

MacGyver is the brother of Scotty off of Star Trek, the famous engineer and the only member of the MacGyver Clan to not to take the name MacGyver. MacGyver is also sisters with award winning porn star Jackie Robinson. Many people think he was the first black president (baseball dude) but he was not. So shut up, critics.

Students of Oscar Wilde may find it interesting to note that in his shorter conversations, usually while under the influence, Mr. Wilde took to describing MacGyver as "the whole damnable A-Team in one man". Although this is clearly bunk – he lacks the subtle skills of Dead George Peppard among other things – it is curious as a counterpoint to the suggestion that the T in Mr. T stands for "MacGyver".

The Mothers of Invention[edit | edit source]

The MacGyver clan used their vast knowledge to create a primitive medieval robot from horseshoes, torture equipment and pig hair. The robot, which was reported to look remarkably like Mel Gibson, led the Scottish to victory against their English oppressors. Joyous celebrations and tickertape parades ensued.

Macgyver himself is noted for his unerring ability to construct advanced technoogical devices using basic and readily available goods. For example, MacGyver actually built the suit that Darth Vader wears. The suit is made from toilet paper, a glass bottle and shavings from Chuck Norris' beard. In a pinch, the final ingredient could be substituted for wood glue, although the warranty would be void.

“My hatred for guns does not cripple my killing efficiency.”
~ MacGyver on his pencil cannon

Rumours[edit | edit source]

Macpenis was suspected to be the head of all the bombings in Indonesia recently, as everyone seems to create bombs out of nowhere.
Still in Indonesia, MacGyver is requested by the government to assist in stopping the Lapindo hot sludge surge.
Back in the 1990s, MacGyver was mistakenly called a God because he can stop an acid chemical with a chocolate. There is a religion based on these called MacGyverism, where his name is changed into MacGyverist, his follower named MacGyveristian. However this religion ceased to exist in the Millennium Era, after the internet is widely known.
There is a legend of a robotic version of MacGyver being created by John Tesh when he invented the T3 line.