Cthulhu

You too can be eaten first!!

“Ah yes, Cthulhu. The allegedly ancient god from the stars, sleeping in the sunken lost city of R'lyeh. We have dismissed that claim.”

~ Turian Council member on Cthulhu

“They stopped Cthulhu eating ye. a fisherman on narwhals”

~ Oscar Wilde

Cthulhu, is an aquatic creature native to the the southern Pacific, rose from Its lowly origins , and soon became the name brand leader in Eldritch Horror. Clever publicity and marketing have given Cthulhu a reputation for omnipotence, rugosity, and squamousness that it has enjoyed since the 1920s. Yet through it all, Cthulhu has not lost the common touch, and remains a man(-thing) of the (fish-)people.

"Cthumley" to its friends, Cthulhu divides Its time between work and play. Sure, everyone knows about Its efforts to keep the South Pacific free of debris, and Its pioneering work in long-distance communications. But not many people know where Cthulhu went to school or what Cthulhu likes to have for breakfast . Since retiring from professional soul-shattering Cthulhu prefers spend its quiet time enjoying cartoons and playing World of Warcraft.

Personal relationships are rumored with Margaret Thatcher, due to their shared ethos of total devastation, apocalyptic destruction and the end of life on this planet as we know it. She is known to find him/her/it sex -on -tentacles. Currently, Cthulhu is thought to be an Ubergrue, or possibly an Eurgrebu. Its whale-squid ancestry makes him invulnerable to sunlight; however, Cthulhu still enjoys living in dark places, i.e. its sunken vacation home R'lyeh. Cthulhu remains the only Ubergrue (or any kind of Grue for that matter) to ever go to college. He was presented the Minorities Achievement Award at the 26th annual Los Angeles Education Convention, after which he promptly devoured all of those present.

Though Cthulhu enjoys spending time in Its ancient sunken vacation home R'lyeh, It makes frequent trips to Cedar Point, Tokyo, and the Bay Area, and maintains a business office in Provo, Utah .

Though name-recognition is as strong as ever, in recent years Cthulhu has made an effort to reach a younger audience, making guest appearances on such shows as Digimon, Ghostbusters, The Jerry Springer Show, and The View.

Although technically he has not awakened from his watery slumber, he now hosts a phone-in show where he dispenses advice in-between reminders that HE WILL EAT YOUR SOULS!

Biology

The Greater Double-Breasted Warbling Cthulhu

Cthulhu is not to be confused with the Cthulhu (from the Latin for "sheath" or "scabbard" ), which is the tubular tract leading from the uterus to the exterior of the body in female mammals, or to the cloaca in female birds and some reptiles. Female insects and other invertebrates also have a Cthulhu, which is the terminal part of the oviduct.

It wasn't until 1910 that H.P. Hovercraft discovered Cthulhus and began to record his famous sexual fantasies about them in a series of novels and short stories. These books are nonfiction, and are well-known for containing no typographic errors whatsoever.

This newborn Cthulhu has caught its first prey and will now turn him into Davy Jones.

In this case, however Cthulhu refers to a creature (Cthulhuious squajillimous, or the Lesser Norfolk Rugose Cthulhu) that is native to the South Pacific but, when removed from its natural environment, became exceedingly wealthy and influential, maintaining lairs ("summer homes") in Monaco, MegaTexas, and R'lyeh and attracting followers who worship it as some sort of deity.

The lesser known Cathulhu, Cthulhu's favorite pet.

There have been reports of Cthulhu's sexually molesting mobile homes. This tragic story was told in the Metallurgical Opera The Calls of Cthulhu.

In more recent years Cthulhu and his spawn played vital roles as walk-on actors in the Duke Nukem video game series, and writers for the television show "Lost."

Education

Cthulhu, seen here graduating Magna Cum Laude when he received his PhD, from the same college as the one in the Kayne West albums, apparently

Cthulhu performed relatively well in his early schooling, achieving good marks in most subjects, especially surprising his geometry teachers. Fellow students would often tease the young Cthulhu. These students would soon find themselves plagued by dreams of non-euclidean angles, and eldritch titans from beyond sanity. All but one of these children took their own lives; and the final one was hit by a bus before he had a chance. His cousin- the elephant deity called Pluppykanet (nick name was Fluffy for various reasons) was a fellow student and supported him during his ordeals at this time.

Cthulhu himself went on to university, where he completed a fine arts degree in ancient civilizations, mythology and archaeology. His marks were exemplary, with reviewers often commenting his knowledge exceeded that of modern science, as if he were present for the events. When approached on the issue, Cthulhu himself asserts he was asleep in R'lyeh at the time.

Cthulhu completed its master's thesis entitled Entities Gnawing at the Rim of the Universe - the Great Old Ones and Feminist Theory, for which it received numerous accolades, but unfortunately It ate Its faculty adviser and was unable to graduate.

Fans

Cthulhu, along with Kaptainskye and Eddie Money, is easily one of the most popular eldritch amphibious deities in modern history. With legions of devoted followers, well-paid engagements on the conservative lecture circuit, and more fish-heads than you can shake a stick at

Cthulhu, backed by the moral support of dozens of fans and a few devoted but underpaid German accountants, has recently convinced the government to allow the creation of a holiday dedicated to him. For more information see Cthulhu Day

Recently Cthulhu has taken to encouraging sculpting in Its friends and fans. It prefers bas-reliefs in clay, especially portraits.

The Nation of Cthulhu, America After the McCain Presidency

CIA map of Cthulhu (1996)

After the native frog-squid-sheep-people were colonized by the population of England's mental hospitals, Cthulhu was declared "annoying" and "gormless" by the U.N. Secretary-General. "Also cyclopean," the Secretary-General said after a bit. "And a bit squamous."

These dire utterances started an eldritch slap-fight that has nary abated since.

The national anthem of Cthulhu is "Ia Shoggoth, Ia Shoggoth, O Cannonball Armchair, My Rocket of Love." This, as far as anyone can tell, is Japanese, and was most stirringly performed at the 1987 Special Olympics by Japanese national pop band Pizzicato Five.

Its national bird is the pseudonatural canary, which is exactly like a regular canary but with extra tentacles for realistic gripping action.

Its national flag is red, white and blue and includes a maple leaf with an eyeball in the center strangling a baby.

Any resemblance between the Nation of Cthulhu and the mythical island of Malta is coincidental.

Cth 'n' Ny: The TV Show

Despite excessive tension between other nations and Cthulhu, Cthulhu and Nyarlathotep co-starred in the first and only season of Cth 'n' Ny, a TV show depicting the bumbling attempts of the comically-incompetent pair (played by Cth and Ny themselves) to devour all life, with their overly complicated plans consistently thrown awry by amusing errors caused by their damn near unpronounceable language.

The series didn't air at all, but at the last minute Fox picked it up to replace its prime-time reality show, Who Wants To Film a Reality Show? The show was canceled after half an episode, when 80% of the audience went insane and shrieked wildly in strange inhuman tongues, attacked family members, sacrificed small animals, gnawed the flesh from their own hands, and grew gills.

Since the cancellation, Cthulhu has branched into other media. His new online news-service advice column already has 38,887 blind followers.

Cthulhu's Wager

Don't let him catch you!

Based on Pascal's Wager, Cthulhu's Wager measures the benefits/punishments of belief/non-belief in Cthulhu.

It follows logic as such:

1. Cthulhu, if he exists, exists somewhere inaccessible to human beings, so we cannot be certain of his existence or nonexistence.
2. If Cthulhu exists, he will give a quick and relatively merciful death to those who have worshiped him and expressed their belief through self-flagellation and ritual sacrifice.
3. If Cthulhu exists, he will condemn those who have not worshipped him to an eternity of suffering and torment.

• You may worship Cthulhu, and Cthulhu exists, in which case you get a swift death.
• You may worship Cthulhu, and Cthulhu doesn't exist, in which case you gain nothing.
• You may not worship Cthulhu, and Cthulhu doesn't exist, in which you gain nothing.
• You may not worship Cthulhu, and Cthulhu exists, in which case you suffer infinite pain.

The following table shows the values assigned to each possible outcome:

	Cthulhu exists $(p)$	Cthulhu does not exist $(1-p)$
Worship of Cthulhu $(EP1)$	< ∞ (finite pain)	0
Non-Worship of Cthulhu $(EP2)$	= ∞ (infinite pain)	0

Now you must wager: do you choose to worship him or not?

So we can describe our calculus of pain, holding $(p)$ as the probability that Cthulhu exists, and $(1-p)$ that he does not exist.

If you worship him, we assign $X1$ as the pain if he does exist, and $X2$ as the pain if he does not exist. $X2$ is less than $X1$ because in both instances you go through the pain associated with worshipping Cthulhu, but in $X1,$, you also get eaten, which is more painful.

If you worship him your expected pain $(EP1)$ is some finite constant:

$EP1=p(X1)+(1-p)(X2)$

For the case where you do not worship him, we assign $Y1$ as the pain if he does exist, and $Y2$ as the pain if he does not exist. $Y2$ will be zero or negative, because you actually get pleasure if you don't worship him and he does not exist.

If you do not worship him, your expected pain is:

$EP2=p(Y1)+(1-p)(Y2)$

However, $(Y1)$, the pain if he does exist and you don't worship him, is infinite. Therefore, expected pain is infinite if you do not worship him, no matter what the associated probability $(p)$.

As infinite pain is always greater than any finite pain, $EP2$ is always greater than $EP1$.

Therefore, in order to minimize your pain, the only rational thing for you to do is to pick $EP1$, and worship Cthulhu through self-flagellation and ritual sacrifice. QED

Cthulhu appearing in a cameo role as the unstoppable secret foe in the NES game Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!.

Hobbies of Cthulhu

The church of Cthulu

• Running for president of the United states and forcibly eating John McCain after losing election
• Consuming the souls of mortals (at a constant of 1d10 people per round, apparently)
• Dreaming dark dreams in R'lyeh in his vast crypt outside of time
• Forms of torture so horrific, no human language has words capable of describing them (Cthulhu's native tongue does have the proper words; in fact the letters represent the postures of tortured humans and the sounds they make during basic forms of tortures, from Aaa! (eyeballs gouged out) to Zszszszs! (punctured lung))
• Pinochle
• Performing in his garage band "Cthulhu and the Great Old Ones." They have so far released one album, "Cthulhu and the Great Old Ones Sing the Great Oldies".
• Acting as the lead role in Japanese Hentai films, doing such things as finding and touching schoolgirls' unmentionable areas, making them feel 'good'.
• Sponsoring the Campus Crusade for Cthulhu.
• Avoiding attacks from the albatrosses.
• Staring at you from the other side of the window. Yes, he can see when you are getting jiggy...

Cthulhu US elections against all who stand in his way, for 2012.

• Cake decoration, although he has developed a strange and worrying addiction to dragees. It is because of this that there are subliminal messages in H. P. Lovecraft's story The Call of Cthulhu, making people consume at least two dragees a day.
• Writing acrostic-ballads.
• Trying to beat Nathan Fillion's high score in ninja ropes.
• Answering UnNews:Ask Cthulhu questions sent in by mail.
• Goes on Bakajojo.com to look at Cthulhu porn. The evils of this site are so horrific and unspeakable that no eyes other than those of Cthulhu can view it without descending into eternal madness.
• Eating pie made from human souls.
• Showing up when I'm tripping balls.
• Managing the Cthulhu's Cthusthard and Ichorous Ice Cream chain of restaurants, which specializes in frozen gibbering treats.
• Guest-hosting cable TV network talk shows.
• Attacking Japanese merchant vessels as they sail the Pacific Ocean.
• Hanging out in the cafes of Amsterdam with Pingu plotting world domination and fucking with hippies' minds.
• Making sure Morbid Angel doesn't fuck up.
• Making drunk calls to ex-girlfriends that no one can understand but who is still an unspeakable whore! You whore!
• Commits unspeakable acts that are so unspeakable that they still have not been spoken of.
• Masterminds cults, like Scientology, Atheism, The Westboro Baptist Church, and Christianity.

Secret Life as a Draenei

There is a conspiracy theory that Cthulhu is actually a Draenei, and is covering it up with all the news reports of his extremely active sex life. The only facts this theory seems to be based on is that Draenei also have very active sex lives, but no other information relating Cthulhu to the Draenei has been found. Under the present secretive "Don't ask, don't gibber" policy, we may never really know.

Cthulhu in Literature

• The Call of Cthulhu
• The Whisperer in Darkness
• At the Mountains of Madness
• Cheney: The Untold Story of America's Most Powerful and Controversial Vice President
• The Cthulu Presidency
• Tom Clancy's Code: R'LYEH

See Also

Cthulhu's wife, Cthulia.

• My Neighbor Cthulhu
• Cthulhu for Prez!
• Cthulhu Day
• Cthulu 2: Electric Boogaloo
• Neil Cicierega
• Ben Stein
• DJ Tiesto
• Davy Jones
• H. P. Lovecraft
• Margaret Thatcher- main squeeze
• Cthulhu v. Japan
• Indiana Jones
• Cthulhu Spawn
• Eris
• T'ckchnack'lqueztlexrchkcle

File:Inconcievable.jpg

That's actually a good question. Inconceivable. DO YOU KNOW HOW TO SPELL IT?!?

• JR "Bob" Dobbs
• Jim Henson
• Flying Spaghetti Monster
• HowTo:Avoid tentacle rape
• Nyarlathotep
• Baile Átha Cliath
• Squid
• Octopus
• UnNews:Ask Cthulhu
• My First Necronomicon
• Mosques
• Morons
• Mormons
• The evil Yu Gi Oh
• Ash Ketchum

External links

• "Cthulhu"
• Cthulhu For President
• Wikipedia article of Cthulhu in Choctaw (Chahta) language

Preceded by: Flying Spaghetti Monster

Supreme Authoriter of All Things Present—2099

Succeeded by: Ving Rhames