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{{Whoops|Jesus|Allah|Odin|Flying Spaghetti Monster|Oscar Wilde|Admins}}
{{Further|File 8AO4F: The God Case}}
[[File:HelixNebula.JPG|thumb|300px|It has been rumoured that God is a huge fan of [[Big Brother#Big Brother on TV|''Big Brother'']], and that He has launched His own version of the show in [[Hell|Heaven]].]]
{{NQ|Holy Cow!|God|creating [[cow]]s}}
{{NQ|Holy Shit!|God|creating [[bathroom]]s}}
'''God''' (who also goes by the aliases '''Yahweh''', '''Allah''', '''Jehovah''', '''Jah''', '''Adonai''', and '''Elohim''' to evade debt collectors<ref>and by the alias '''[[Jimbo Wales#Divinity|Jimbo]]''' when not in debt, and/or when trying to pretend to be as [[Know-it-all|omniscient]] and [[Pope|infallible]] as [[Wikipedia]]</ref><ref>He is also often known as '''[[Fuck]]''', especially in the well-known short [[prayer]] "Thanks be to Fuck for that", a rare instance of a prayer that is uttered even more frequently by [[atheists]] than by believers.</ref>) is the Supreme Being of three major faiths, and a few dozen sex cults. His preferred pronoun is THE LORD, but He will also settle for He. He is perhaps best known for creating all of existence—with the exception of Himself,<ref>This is just a [[Monster|monstrous]] but all-too-typical [[Blasphemy|blasphemous]] [[Devil|diabolical]] [[Atheism|atheistic]] [[abomination]] of the kind we have come to expect from Uncyclopedia—God created everything that exists, so to claim that He did not create Himself is to claim that He does not exist.</ref> [[Unicorn|unicorns]], the [[Loch Ness Monster]], the [[Inca Empire]], [[Bigfoot]], and [[Cake|devil's food cake]].

God is burdened with the unfathomable responsibility of sustaining the vital equilibria that allow life to continue, such as answering prayers, committing genocide, committing mass infanticide, starting wars, ending wars and making stars twinkle. Despite this responsibility, God Himself shoehorns these important tasks into the corner whenever an important sports game or horse race is on, as He is the universe's most notorious compulsive gambler.

{{Conservapedia}}
{{Rationalwiki}}
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== The first bet ==
Just before Creation, on the night preceding October 23, 4004 B.C., God was sitting at a non-existent table playing a non-existent game of [[Poker|poker]] with several other non-existent deities. After losing a bundle in the [[UnScripts:Who built the moon|Celestial Poker Game]], [[Satan]], aka the [[Devil]] aka Monty, bet God that He (God) couldn't gather more souls than he (Satan) could. God, being a notorious gambler, instantly took the bet, and the deal was done. According to an account by Archbishop James Ussher, 17th-century [[Ape|Primate of All Ireland]], this was widely thought to be a "sucker's bet" as there were no souls to be had. The best God could do would be a tie (0–0), which by the nature of the bet would mean a loss for Him. But the inveterate gambler God went to work creating a universe in which said souls could exist and be gathered.

In just six days, God created the heavens and the earth, sun and moon, stars, puppies, kittens, death cap mushrooms and [[Creationism|fake dinosaur bones]]. On the seventh day, God rested in order to watch [[football]] as He had a tenner on the big game. Satan, on the other hand, got busy collecting souls. This is why Satan still leads the bet to this day, and why sports teams never pray to him. It's also why Godly people never capitalize his pronouns.

== The first people ==
[[File:Durer Adam and Eve s.jpg|thumb|left|220px|Adam and his [[Incest|sister-mate]] Eve. From the 16th-century ''The Cover-up'' by [[Albrecht Durer]]]]

God created the first man [[Adam]] from the dust of the ground mixed with God's spittle, and placed him in a [[magical]] [[Garden of Eden|garden in Eden]], [[Nevada]] (now known as [[Las Vegas|Las Vegas, Nevada]]). Satan hedged his bet by making a woman, telling God "prancing about a garden all day gets kind of boring". But God discovered Lilith was soulless, so He denied her existence, kicked her out of the Garden, and made [[Eve]].

God then bet Satan that he couldn't get Adam and his sex-changed cloned sister Eve to eat the [[Apple|fruit]] of the tree of knowledge. To protect His bet, God had previously told Adam, "thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die". (Gen. 2:17). This became known as the First Divine Lie.

Satan, on the other hand, told the always-naked siblings the naked Truth. He said, "Ye shall not surely die: For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil." (Gen. 3:4–5). At the prospect of becoming gods, the naked [[Adam and Eve]] could no longer suppress their primal urges. They started eating the fruit like vicious wild animals. This became known as the First Dinner Party. 

God was so furious at losing the bet, He blasted the garden into desert. Still furious, He ripped off Satan's arms and legs. But Satan survived, saying it's only a flesh wound". Satan slithered off, becoming the first [[Snake|serpent]] and gaining the nickname "[[Monty Python]]". Because of His actions, God became the first [[Mafia|Crime Boss]].

Having eaten from the tree of knowledge, Adam and Eve became aware of certain things. For one thing, they noticed that the genitals God had given them were "fucking ugly". They promptly used fig leaves to cover up. They also discovered that God had already created humans in Genesis 1, so they weren't really the first people after all. Upon pointing this out to God, they were promptly banished from the Garden forever "for being smart-asses". God gave them rabbit skin coats as a parting gift, and sent them to [[New Jersey]].

The brother and sister didn't die that day as God had said, but lived for hundreds of years. Following Satan's promise, they declared themselves God and Goddess. They founded [[Atlantic City]], created [[Mormon|the Mormon religion]], moved to [[Utah]], practiced group marriage with their offspring and beget like, well, [[rabbit]]s. This became known as {{RL|polygamy}} and [[incest]]. In their spare time, they founded [[civilization]]. This became known as a mistake.

But God couldn't be bothered to look for them and learn what they were doing, as he went back to betting on football.

== God starts to lose; decides to flood world ==
[[File:Kaaba-dice.jpg|thumb|left|220px|God has said that his goal in life is to roll a 6 three times consecutively, thereby ending the World.]]
1537 years later, God was still watching the Angels vs Devils football game, when it went to its first ad break. God took this opportunity to make a bet with Satan over who would score the next goal. However, when He looked round, He realized that Satan wasn't there, but was off collecting souls. This was [[Worst 100 Ways to Deliver Bad News|bad news]], as it meant God would surely lose the ancient bet. It was time for [[Murder|drastic action]].

[[File:ThinkerToilet.jpg|thumb|220px|God asks Himself, "Hmm, what could I use to create a flood?"]]

God decided the only thing He could do now was to kill off all of creation. This way, Satan would not be able to gather any more souls and increase his lead. Unfortunately, God was quite keen on some of the animals He had made, especially the [[Doggy style|puppies]] and [[Kitten Huffing|kittens]], and did not want to destroy them. He was also quite fond of the Noah bloke who ran the betting shop in Arc, Israel.<ref>Not to mention that Noah still owed Him money from their last wager.</ref> So God had to think of a plan to save [[Noah|Noah of Arc]], his wife [[Joan of Arc]], and their family whilst leaving the rest to die.

How this was done is detailed in the apocryphal Generations 2:3–9 (Brother Goose translation): "And God, in His infinite wisdom, said, 'Noah, build an ark. A really big one. Like, bloody massive.' Noah did so, and God saw that it was good. Then God instructed Noah to find two of every animal and put them on the ark, with the words 'I'll bet you £10 I can find the unicorns first!' Tragically, God feared Satan would gather all human souls before all the animals could be gathered, so God made the heavens release a downpour before he could find two unicorns. The rainy spell lasted 40 days and 40 nights. This created a great flood when the rainwater backed up the sewers. The [[weatherman]], who had predicted a barbecue summer, said he 'felt like a right twit'. Then he drowned."

== God's greatest prophets ==
=== Job ===
Many generations after Noah, a man named [[Job]], who was faithful to God, became a highly successful rancher in the land of [[The Wizard of Oz|Uz]]. One day God bet Satan that Job wouldn't curse God even if he lost his ranch, wealth, health, wife, children, and got some really nasty boils. Satan, who still missed his limbs, wanted no part of it. But God became so furious, Satan feared another flood. So Satan relented, but pleaded for Job, saying, "Behold, all that he hath is in Thy power; only upon himself put not forth Thy hand (you schmuck)" (Job 1:12).

God followed through with his threat and his bet. Job, who like Satan feared for the world, said, "Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD." (Job 1:21). God knew that Job yelled His name in sarcasm and anger (and believed God was a schmuck), but didn't care because He won the bet.

=== Abraham, Sarah and Lot ===
[[File:Lincoln-guitar.jpg|thumb|220px|left|This portrait of Abraham was used on the cover of the Rolling Stones album ''Sympathy for the Devil''.]]

Following God's success with Job, and His failure to win all souls through Adam and his cloned-sister Eve, God made a new plan. He now focused on creating souls through [[Abraham]] and his half-sister [[Sarah]]. Satan had said that the couple—100-year-old Abraham and 90-year-old Sarah—were too old to have children. So God bet against the Devil. He then dressed a baby in sheep's clothing, and sneaked him in while Satan wasn't looking. God laughed at Satan and called the baby "Isaac", which is Jewish for "laughter". Scripture scholars later called God's act a "miracle", which is Jewish for "cheating".

Then God almost destroyed His own plan due to His compulsive gambling. God made a bet with Satan that Abraham wouldn't sacrifice his only son (actually, his only son who wasn't a bastard—God was cheating again) just because God told him to. The betrayed and confused Abraham, who still thought Isaac was a sheep, was about to axe his son. But the sympathetic Satan intervened, and willingly lost the bet by dressing up a sheep as Isaac and giving it to Abraham to sacrifice instead.<ref>It helps to remember that all this swapping babies and sheep occurred before the invention of eyeglasses.</ref>

God later destroyed the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah, where Abraham's nephew Lot lived, because their casinos refused to give God a percentage of their profits. Also they had legalized [[Homosexual|homosexuality]]. God hated homosexuality because it produced no souls for God to win.

But God spared Lot because of the gambling game called ''Casting Lot''. This involved rolling or casting Lot out the back door, and betting on whether he would land face up or face down.<ref>"Casting Lot" was a precursor to both flipping coins and dice games.</ref>

God increased His odds by convincing Abraham to marry many women and to buy several [[Prostitute|concubines]] or prostitute slaves. God also improved His chances following the death of Lot's wife. He talked Lot's daughters into getting their father drunk with Carmel Kayoumi Shiraz wine, and then having sex with, and getting pregnant by, their father. Both of these acts gave inveterate gambler God more souls to win.

=== Moses ===
[[File:Moses with tablet.jpg|thumb|220px|Moses, right before he dropped one of the two tablets]]
God mercilessly brought plagues and death on the great Satan-created Empire of [[Egypt]]. To protect what Satan still had in Egypt, he let God's Holy Moses steal thousands of Israeli souls. Later, Moses saw a vision of God after inhaling the fumes from a burning bush. Moses was high on a mountain for 40 days and 40 nights while God carved [[Ten Commandments]] on two stone tablets, which He gave to Moses. One was the Tablet of Commandments, and the other was the Tablet of Explanations. Unfortunately, Moses was still under the influence, and dropped the explanation tablet.

Fortunately, Rabbi Dr. Sinister Craven also inhaled, and was able to recreate them for his book ''The Burning Bush and Other Trips''. The restored 10 Commandments and their explanations (marked with *) are below:

:'''I''' I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt have no other gods nor sacrifice to idols *''for I want all the winnings myself''.
:'''II''' Thou shalt not use the name of thy Lord in Vain *''for I am wanted vain for owing back taxes''.
:'''III''' Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy *''by bringing My percentage to the temple''.
:'''IV''' Honor they father and mother *''for I am both.''
:'''V''' Thou shalt not murder *''unless I tellest thou to.''
:'''VI''' Thou shalt not commit adultery *''unless thou askest really nicely. Polygamy and group marriage are fine''.
:'''VII''' Thou shalt not steal *''unless it be for my profit.''
:'''VIII''' Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor *''unless it be for my profit''.
:'''IX''' Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife *''until I have a chance with her first''.
:'''X''' Thou shalt not covet anything that belongs to thy neighbor, including his ass *''unless thou canst win it in a game''.<ref>The 10th Commandment led to the phrase, "you bet your ass".</ref>

== Jesus arrives; God enters North America ==
:''Main article: [[Original Jesus]]''
[[File:Wet tshirt muschis.jpg|thumb|220px|left|The [[Angel|Angels Cheerleading Squad]] lines up for the Gridiron national anthem. Bet you're glad it was raining that day.]]

God spent several thousand years watching and betting on [[football]] ([[Canada|nations who]] [[United States of America|follow Satan]] called it [[soccer]]). Then, suddenly, God became bored. According to Reverend [[James Dobson]] in his book ''[[Focus on the Family|Focus on the Football]]'', this was due to the season finally ending after all the players collapsed. The Book of [[Gridiron football|Gridiron]] 1:3–5, says, "And it came to pass in those days that the multitude of football players were greatly exhausted, and did fall unto the ground as if dead. For the time and the season for football was without end, for in those days there was no player's union. And these are the teams and their names: the Angels and the Devils, for there were but two teams."

During the off season, which was March 25, 0005 B.C., God decided to re-examine the rest of His creation. Looking through the [[Angel]]s Cheerleading Squad, God felt an unfamiliar feeling, which he called "[[Love]]". He immediately claimed He had created it, and called Himself "The God of Love". (Satan had actually created it 4,000 years before, calling it "[[Sex]]", and himself "Hot Stuff".)

Unfortunately, all did not go as God planned. For Satan had secretly poked a wholly hidden hole in God's [[Condom|Holy Protection]], so that the Lord would have to take responsibility for His own actions. As a result, a few months later the supposedly [[Virgin Mary]] was found to be "great with child". It was obvious to [[Joseph]] that Mary had committed adultery. So to cover, God sent a member of the Angels team to appear to Joseph in a dream. The Angel said, "Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost. And couldst thou sparest some money for a cab?"<ref>Why did the Angel ask for cab fair? It's a long ride back to Heaven.</ref> (Matthew 1:20). Thus God passed the blame for His adultery and statutory rape on His imaginary undead twin.<ref>Except for the unfortunate flaw in His [[excuse|alibi]], which is that the Holy Ghost is in fact God, Who suffers from a form of [[Multiple Personality Disorder]] known as [[Holy Trinity|Trinitarianism]], a most convenient affliction which incidentally also enabled Him to set a ([[secret]], though [[hiding]] in plain [[sight]]) [[Guinness Book of World Records|World Record]] for [[Copulation]] [[Time|Duration]], as he stayed inside Mary for a whole nine months, in the shape of another of his personalities called [[Jesus Christ|God The Son]].</ref>

[[File:Troll doll.jpg|thumb|220px|''In utero'' photo of Baby Jesus during His/Her transition from female to male. Note the royalty-signifying purple hair.]]

God then made a bet with Satan on the sex and name of the child. God bet half His soul collection and the valuable continent of [[South America]], while the more cautious Satan wagered half his souls and the virtually worthless continent of [[North America]].

God followed the advice of one of His prophets, and bet the child would be a boy named "Emmanuel" (Matthew 1:23). Then God secretly went to check that the fetus was a boy. When he discovered it wasn't, He was quite worried for a moment, until He remembered He was God. He reversed His trick of making the female Eve from the male Adam, changing one of the infant's X chromosomes to a Y. To further hide His deception, God told the keeper at the Ramada Inn to claim it was full, so God's son was born in a manger inside a small cave. When the baby arrived with the first contraction, Mary, astonished, uttered an expletive. Joseph, assuming this to be a suggestion for the infant's name, made it so. God quickly claimed "Jesus" was just [[Puerto Rico|Puerto Rican]] for "Emmanuel" (it wasn't, but Satan didn't know this because he'd never been allowed in South America), and won the bet.

God was delighted that he now had His own little son to do with as he wished, and started referring to Himself as "God the Father".

== The temptation bet ==
By Jewish tradition, at age 30 Jesus was recognized as an "elder" (Jewish for "big-headed"). He entered the desert to fast for 40 days and nights. Reverend G. Zussiz-Lawd said this was for "personal reasons no one can explain". But Rabbi Dr. Sinister Craven gave an explanation in his book, ''Don't Ever Bet Against God Because He'll Cheat''. "Don't expect a guy Gentile to understand [[Jew|Jews]]. [[Moses|Moses the Lawgiver]] fasted on the mountain 40 days and nights to receive the 10 Commandments. It rained for 40 days and nights on [[Noah|Noah of Arc]] who organized the first floating zoo. So that [[Original Jesus|copycat Jesus]]? Don't ask me any more about Jesus."

God saw this as a great opportunity for a bet with Satan, and the deal was done. If Satan could persuade Jesus to use his godly powers, God had to hand over all His souls. If Jesus didn't use his powers, Satan had to hand over all his.

Satan began by trying to convince Jesus he could turn a rock into bread to satisfy his hunger. Jesus didn't do it. Satan then brought Jesus to the top of a tall mountain, and told him that everything he saw could be his, if he bowed down and worshiped Satan. Jesus didn't do it. Finally, Satan brought Jesus to the roof of a temple, and told him to jump off, and test God. Again, Jesus didn't do it.

[[File:Albrecht Altdorfer 016.jpg|thumb|left|220px|The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost gambling in the first game of "Simon (Satan) Says".<br>They all lost.]]

Satan, humiliated by his defeat, agreed to give all his souls to God. He secretly marveled at how controlled and strong-willed Jesus was. However, there was something he didn't know. While Jesus was in the desert, God had secretly been feeding him mutton, Carmel Kayoumi Shiraz wine, Fig Newtons, gebinah cheese and soup with Matzah balls. So Jesus had had no need for stony bread. God had also given Jesus arthritis, so he couldn't bow down to Satan. And also Jesus had vertigo. Naturally, God neglected to mention these when He tried to collect His winnings. God was about to win the ancient bet. But at the last moment, Satan noticed that the robe of the supposedly starving Jesus had a [[Mustard|mustard]] stain, and Jesus had a bit of [[Catsup|catsup]] in his beard. The bet was off.

But God did not give up. He felt sure His son would continue his father's deceptive ways when Jesus said, "I am Christ, and shall deceive many". (Mark 13:6). Although to protect His bet, God did sternly remind His son that his name was in fact Jesus, not Christ. But Jesus soon realized his own father had given him arthritis and vertigo in order to win a bet. Jesus' friends Peter, Paul and Mary said, "physician, heal thyself", and he did so. He then distanced himself from his Father God.

Jesus declared himself "King of the Jews", and began telling people, "I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me." (John 14:6). God believed His son was trying to get a monopoly of souls, leaving God the Father with nothing. So God the Father sent His ''consigliere'' [[Judas]] to betray him, and Jesus was executed on the cross. Actually given a Micky Finn on a Sponge & passed out, then taken to England. The Galley Roman suggested he get on an Oar, Jesus thought he said Whore & was whipped until he agreed.

This proved to be a cunning move. God the Father raised Jesus from the dead, created and sent his previously imaginary twin the Holy Ghost to convert more disciples, and thus became a [[Trinity]] of Gods. This increased His power and gave Himself three seats at the [[UnScripts:Who built the moon|Celestial Poker Game]].

== Muhammad and the one-bet rule ==
[[File:GOD!!!!.jpg|thumb|240px|God revealed Himself to His greatest prophet, saying, "Muhammad, I am betting on you".]]

Unfortunately for God, the plan to always have three seats at the Celestial Poker Game backfired. He was continually betting against two players as good as He was, because He was betting against Himselves. Even if He won a hand, He'd still lose, and lose twice—and the version of Himself who won would have to split the winnings with two others. God decided it was time to end the Trinity forever.

He came up with a better plan than using the cave-born, supposed-son-of-a-carpenter Jesus who called himself a shepherd. God would find a real shepherd who had no father. At the beginning of the 7th century A.D., He found what He wanted: an orphaned Arabic sheep herder named [[Muhammad|Muhammad ibn ‘Abdullāh]] (also spelled [[Muhammad Ali]]).

Just as He had convinced Jesus to abandon his job as a carpenter in Nazareth to go into the wilderness, God convinced Muhammad to leave his life as a shepherd in Mecca and retreat to a cave in the surrounding mountains for meditation and reflection. According to Islamic beliefs it was here, at age 40, in the month of Ramadan, where Muhammad received his first revelation. This was delivered by a member of the Angels team who was sent by "Allah". (God referred to Himself as [[Allah]] so He'd sound Arabic.)

According to the [[Qur'an]], the revelation given by Angel Jibreel (Gabriel) was:
:"There is no God but Allah. Heed His words, for here they be:
:You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,
:Know when to walk away and know when to run.
:You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table.
:There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done."<ref>These holy words of scripture were later put to music by Don Schlitz and performed by Kenny Rogers. The song's title was one of the most holy names of God, "The Gambler".</ref>

[[File:Woman walking in Afghanistan.jpg|thumb|left|160px|A Muslim woman sneaks away from the Ramada Inn to try out for the Devil's Cheerleading Squad.<br>Note the shamefully exposed feet.]]

The cave near Mecca where Muhammad stayed was, according to God's plan, the same one where Jesus was born. This became known as the Ramada Inn and Gambling Casino. This was the first establishment to follow Allah's new rule of "one person, one bet". As one of the Five Pillars of Islam, [[Muslim|Muslims]] are expected to travel there once in their lifetime. There they ask forgiveness for past sins, pray for guidance and help in refraining from everyday evils, and try to purify themselves through self-restraint and good deeds. They then spend the rest of their time there gambling away their life savings and their souls.

But according to the ''Qur'an'', if they lose their souls to Allah, Muslims of either sex will be rewarded in Heaven with a huge mansion, 80,000 servants, and 72 beautiful, willing virgins. Islam quickly became God's most popular religion, and Muhammad God's most successful prophet.

Unfortunately for God, Satan intervened. Following the death of Muhammad, he convinced a number of Muslims to "free the souls of the infidels" so God would lose them.<ref>Satan intended the infidels to be freed from slavery to God, not to be slain. Satan deeply regrets the misunderstanding, and encourages all who suffered the loss of family members to send a request for remuneration to [[Focus on the Family]] in Colorado Springs, Colorado.</ref> He also reinterpreted ''Qur'an'', so that instead of God's women having full rights, respect and recognition, they had to cover themselves in shame and do whatever men told them.<ref>Satan deeply regrets the misunderstanding. He desires to free all women from God's tyranny, and encourages them to uncover themselves and apply for the Devils Cheerleading Squad.</ref> Satan actually intended to free women's souls and encourage them to escape from God's tyranny, but the plan backfired.

In ''A Jew's Guide to Islam and Other Imitations'', Rabbi Dr. Sinister Craven wrote, "Muhammad? He claims he sees God at age 40? Again with the 40 thing. Don't ask me any more about Muhammad and goy gambling. Why can't we play a nice game of Dreidel?"

== God, Satan and sports ==
:''Main article: [[Sports]]''

With the invention of the printing press, people could now read the holy books for themselves instead of being told by priests, "It all makes sense. Trust us." Many now realized how foolish religion really was. So the eternal struggle for souls between God and Satan moved back to where it began: Sports.

=== Team sports ===
Team sports were specifically designed by God for winning souls and bets. As non-sports fans have observed, the games are utterly boring unless one bets on a particular team. According to housewife Alice Crabtree, "Take American football. Every game is the same. One guy hikes the ball. The quarterback gets it or he doesn't. If he does, he tries to run or throw. If he runs, he either makes a touchdown or he doesn't. If he throws, the receiver either catches it or he doesn't. If the receiver catches it, he either makes a touchdown or he doesn't. Boring! Unless, of course, you've got a tenner on the game."

God invented [[American football]], [[baseball]], [[basketball]], [[cricket]], [[Hockey|field hockey]], [[ice hockey]], [[polo]], and [[Mermaids|underwater paintball]]. These sports are an imitation of [[war]], and are all about [[violence]].

[[File:Owens-ball.jpg|thumb|220px|God is known to intervene directly in sporting events, subtly shifting wind patterns to favor whatever team begs the most. Won't lift a finger for famines, though...]]

=== Individual sports ===
Satan, on the other hand, tried to win bets and souls by creating individual sports that were interesting to watch. This was primarily because participants wore skin tight, skimpy costumes. These included women's {{RL|gymnastics}}, men's gymnastics, [[Figure skating|figure skating]], [[Arnold Schwarzenegger|bodybuilding]], [[Lust|women's gymnastics]], [[Bicycle|cycling]], [[surfing]], [[swimming]], diving, and [[Preteen slut|women's gymnastics]]. These sports are imitations of [[love]], and are all about [[sex]].

=== Horse racing ===
God's violent team sports won Him more money, but Satan's good-looking sports won him more souls. As the primary bet between God and Satan was for souls not cash, this was bad for the Lord.

But God did not give up. He decided to create a sport focused directly on betting itself. Thus He invented horse racing. As Eddie the Bookie wrote in his book, ''Bet or Die'', "Watching horses run in circles over and over and over again is incredibly boring. Everyone who goes to a horse race has to make bets just to keep themselves awake. Fall asleep, and you fall off the stands and get trampled to death." The odds were so bad that gamblers would end up with nothing to bet but their souls.

God seemed destined to finally win over Satan. But He soon learned that the Devil was no longer His only competition.

== In different cultures ==
[[File:Godisbad.gif|thumb|left|God once bet Satan He could stop a car headed for Atlantic City without touching it ''or'' the road.]]

=== Atlantic City and Monte Carlo ===
God faced serious competition for souls and gamblers. In [[United States of America|America]], the [[Adam and Eve|Adam-and-Eve]]-created [[Atlantic City]] began drawing more gamblers than God the Father's [[Las Vegas]]. The sibling god and goddess also drew more and more souls to their Mormon Church (more properly called [[Mormon|The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints]]. As "saints" means "souls", the name is a direct mockery of the original God).

Meanwhile, Adam's ousted first wife {{RL|Lilith}} convinced Charles Honoré Grimaldi to declare himself King Charles III and create Monte Carlo in [[Monaco]]. This city beat God's Las Vegas as the Gambling Capitol of the World. (The name "Monte Carlo" translates in English to Lilith's favorite Monacan activity, which is to "[[Sex|Mount Charles]]".)

While undeserved, God blamed [[Satan]] for these developments. God knew it was time for a new plan, and a new game.

=== Dreidel and the Jews ===
The ''Talmud'' and the ''Mishna'' both say the gambling game Dreidel was invented by the God-inspired Jew Mattathias. He used it to win back the Holy Temple and its souls in [[Jerusalem]] from King Antiochus{{SP}}IV Epiphanes in the 2nd century B.C. The spinning dreidel is traditionally used by Jews for gambling during the celebration of Mattathias' victory called [[Hanukkah]] (Hebrew: חנוכה‎, pronounced [ˈקanuka], a.k.a. Chanukah. This religious holiday is described in detail in Rabbi Dr. Sinister Craven's book, ''Jewish Words that Make You Spit''.)

Later when the Syrian-Greeks forbade Jews gambling (because "they were too good at it") the Jews held secret Dreidel games<ref>The spinning dreidel is called teetotum in the shepherd's section of the ''[[Alice in Wonderland|Gospel According to Alice]]'' (Lewis Carroll translation). "'Are you a child or a teetotum?' the Sheep said, as she took up another pair of needles."</ref> that were disguised as [[Bible|Bible studies]]. As the famous Rabbi Akiva said, "Jews without dreidel are like fish without water."

=== Bingo and the Pope ===
[[Bingo]] is actually the name of several different gambling games, all approved by God for the monetary benefit of His Church. All versions can be traced back to a lottery game called "Lo Giuoco del Lotto d'Italia" played in [[Italy]] ca. 1530. (In English, the name means "clear out your bank account by playing the Italian lottery".) This was invented by Giulio di Giuliano de' Medici, which is why God named him [[Pope|Pope Clement VII]].

Later, Clement refused to give a divorce to [[King Henry VIII]] from his wife and step-sister Catherine of Aragon, who bore Henry daughters but no male heirs. Because of this, King Henry refused to let British people play Bingo, effectively taking away all God's English souls. God condemned Pope Clement VII for his lack of faith in God's sex-changing ability, and made the pope eat the lethal death cap mushroom. The British and their colonists in [[New Zealand]] and [[Australia]] later secretly revived the game as "Housey Housey".

[[File:Goddoesplaydicefinaloj3.jpg|thumb|220px|Rare photo of God playing dice with several [[Albert Einstein]]s. Einstein used Relativity to duplicate himself at the Celestial Dice Game, thus breaking the "one person, one bet" rule and repeating God's mistake.]]

=== Around the world ===
The Relativity physicist [[Albert Einstein]] is famous for saying of God, "I, at any rate, am convinced that He does not throw dice." Unfortunately for Einstein and the world, [[Quantum mechanics]] (and the photo to the right) proved God does. The Lord has inspired people throughout the world to invent dozens of dice gambling games, including ''Crapaud'' or ''[[Shit|Craps]]'' (France), ''[[Yahtzee]]'' (America), ''Gluckshaus'' (Germany), ''Tablero da Gucci'' (Spain), ''Chō-Han Bakuchi'' (Japan), ''Crown and Anchor'' (Great Britain), and ''[[Mexico]]'' (Mexico). God and Satan themselves created dice gambling games, with Satan inventing ''Demon Dice'', and God making ''Cosmic Wimpout''.

Satan and God won a virtually even number of bets and souls through these various dice games, until Satan took a definite lead in the late 20th century. Players began to tire of just throwing dice, so Satan created a game that added other tempting elements designed to win the souls of a multitude of players. In 1974, he invented a new kind of game that used dice, paper and pencil called [[Dungeons & Dragons]]. In spite of repeated warnings by God's prophets that this was a game designed to steal souls from God, the [[Roleplaying game|roleplaying game]] flourished. It quickly led to innumerable spinoffs such as ''Tunnels and Trolls'', ''Vampire: The Masquerade'', ''Toon'', ''Traveler'', ''GURPS'', ''Paranoia'', and ''Munchkin and the Chainsaw of Bloody Dismemberment''.

== Collaborations ==
Ultimately, God and Satan did something they had never done before: a collaboration. They invented the ''In Nomine'' roleplaying game where players take the side of God (Heaven) or Satan (Hell), and battle it out directly for each other's souls.<ref>The ultimate battle between God and Satan was the focus of the 2009 documentary, "Angels & Demons".</ref> The ultimate fate of God's power and the world's souls may well be decided here.

== Aliases ==
*[[Jehovah]] ([[Jehovah's Witnesses]])
*[[YHWH]] ([[Judaism]])
*[[Allah]] ([[Islam]])
*[[Ahura Mazda]] ([[Zoroastrianism]])
*[[wp:Om|Om]] ([[Hinduism]])
*[[Flying Spaghetti Monster]] ([[Pastafarianism]])

== See also ==
{{Undictionary|God}}
* [[Tetragrammaton]]
* [[God's masturbation]]
* [[Unquotable:God]]
*[[The Golden Rule]]

==Footnotes==
{{reflist}}

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{{succession box|before=[[Nothing]]|title=Supreme Authoriter of [[Everything|All Things]]|years=4004 BC – 2004 AD|after=[[Flying Spaghetti Monster]]}}
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{{FA|date=18 April 2005|revision=683048}}
{{RFA|date2=11 April 2012|revision=5473079}}

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