The following relationship "advice" is purely satirical and meant for entertainment purposes only — please do not cite us in divorce court.

Each week, we'll be rounding up the internet's most interesting relationship questions and chiming right in. From nightmare first dates to exploring new fetishes, we're leaving no corner of the internet unexplored.

My Girlfriend Wants Me To Go Where I've Never Gone Before

^{[Image credit: George Becker]}

Hi.

Been with my girl for four years. Before me, she dated this guy i actually used to work with, and thats how we met.

They broke up when he got a mental breakdown or something and started cheating on her.

Anyways. She told me, and pretty much all her girlfriends that her ex had a good nine or more inches down under, and i would say at least 50 percent of the time we have sex, she wants me to go deeper and bottom her out.

She loves it, a lot. Thing is, I cant. I'm six inch on a good day, and I'm not even close to punching her cervix. When we take a beer/drink w/e, she goes crazy for some cervix punching but I cant...

According to her, getting hit in the cervix during sex and being f—d hard is the only way she can climax.

I tried selling in using a dildo/strap-on but she told me nah. Don't want that inside her.

What do I do? We tried different positions but i cant hit it.

F—g sucks.

EDIT: thank you everyone. I tried reading everyones messages and I want to talk to her about it. I don't want this to turn to a bad thing in the future anymore then it already is.

Thank you!❤️

Redditor u/YT_Sharkyevno's comment in the thread is particularly enlightening in this case: "Yeah nine inches plus is a lie. I do porn, I have a large dick, and I am almost always people's largest. People will often ask if I have like a 10-12 inch dick. No, I'm barely above eight inches and that puts me in the top 0.001 percent. If you're are six inches you are above average and your girlfriend might just be trying to make you feel bad.”

On that note, I hate to say it, but I’m with the comments saying they need to just break up. To me, she sounds like she's still hung up on this other dude, which I get because it's "the only way she can climax.". She's made it very clear what she needs sexually and even if you did find a yoga pose, I get the vibe that it's never going to fulfill her fantasy. It's pretty shocking that this has gone on for four years. Has she been putting up with no real gratification this whole time, fam? To me, there are no villains here, I just think people need to remember if they're going to be in a closed relationship, they need to be real about what actually gets them off. Read the rest of the thread here.

My Sister-In-Law Just Sent Me An Incredibly Inappropriate Text

^{[Image credit: Andrea Piacquadio]}

My wife (24F) and I (24M) have been together for three years and married for about six months now. We found out that we're going to be parents and we are both very excited. We told our families over the weekend and everyone was happy for us. This morning, I got a text from my wife's sister (21F) saying that she knows that women can get emotionally and physically abusive and can put a stop to intimacy during pregnancy and that she is willing to "help" me out anytime sexually or emotionally during and after the pregnancy.

Obviously, I have no interest in anyone other than my wife but how do I tell her what her sister offered? My wife has always been there for her sister and they have always been super close. Her sister was the MOH at our wedding. I don't want my wife to lose that bond and it would destroy her if she found out that her sister was willing to betray her like that. At the same time, her sister is a snake and is willing to ruin our marriage and the life of her soon-to-be-nephew/niece for what I'm guessing is a childish crush on me.

My first priority is my wife and unborn child and anyone else can go to hell. How do I approach this situation? There is literally no good outcome. I can tell my wife tonight. She will be absolutely devastated. I will always be there for her and I know her parents will be on her side but losing a 20 year bond with her own sibling while in such a vulnerable state sounds terrible. How can I possibly tell my wife that the sister she loved and looked after for so many years, wanted to sleep with her husband while she was pregnant? If I don't tell her soon and tell her later, she may lose her trust in me. If I don't tell her at all, my wife will be close with someone who clearly does not care for her and could easily betray her again in the future.

What do I do to minimize the hurt my wife feels?

Let's begin with the end in mind, we all know this is going to upset your wife. So with that out of the way, I'd say prepare the right environment, and the right time to let her know. Make sure it's a calm setting. Please listen to the urgency in the comments, because this is a situation where the number of days between when you received the text and when she got to know matters. The three of you all are quite young, and this does feel like a very stupid mistake on your sister-in-law's part. However, she made her bed, she should've known it was gonna be ice cold. Read the rest of the thread here.

Am I Being Overly-Protective Of My New Chair With My Sister?

^{[Image credit: George Becker]}

Throw away account I (31F) am moving all of my plants into a spare room of my house and turning it into my plant room. I've always wanted an egg chair so I bought one for the room. I wanted to make sure both me and my son could sit together comfortably without getting too big of a chair that will take up too much space. This one has a 200-250 lbs weight limit and the size fits the room well. My sister (30F) is living with me and my family currently. She's 5'2 and about 300-320 lbs. The only complaints and bad reviews about the chair were from people saying it wasn't sturdy enough for their large husband or for both of them to sit in. When my sister sits she sort of plops down and when she gets up she has to rock back and forth to get up. My reclining love seat is loose in the spot where she always sits. I'm nervous that she will break my chair. It may sound materialistic to some, but it wasn't cheap and I saved to purchase it. I've dreamed about creating my perfect peaceful plant room with an egg chair since I started collecting plants. Plants brought me peace after my mother died and I had a stillborn within the same year. I'd rather her not come into the room at all, but I've found her in there, sitting in my chair a few times now. How do I ask her to not sit in my chair? Do I bring up the weight limit? Do I lie and ask her to not sit in it for a different reason? Should I ask her to pay for a new one if she does end up damaging this one? Advice please.

TL;DR how to ask overweight sister to not sit in a chair as I fear her weight may break/damage it?

Just tell her the lower weight limit is the chair's cutoff. If you say the maximum weight it takes is 200 pounds, then it's almost like telling a kid this ride is for babies. As Redditor u/NifrinFan said, "I'm fat. We already know. Just tell her. Kindly." I agree with that sentiment. Alongside the reality that her sitting on it could also really hurt her. Imagine if you come home and she says you need to take her to the hospital because she broke your chair? That's unnecessarily traumatic, and obviously the most embarrassing outcome. Tell her sooner than later, and let's worry about potential damages later if we need to. Read the rest of the thread here.

My Husband's Best Friend's Pregnant Girlfriend Ate My Birthday Dinner, And Then Wanted My Cake Too

^{[Image credit: Adrian Calle]}

My birthday was yesterday and my husband invited his best friend Matt and his best friends pregnant girlfriend Jane out for a BBQ. They live 2 houses down from us. It was only us, our 3 children and them here (and their 3 kids). I spent about $90 on hamburger and hotdogs. Matt also showed up with two pounds of hamburger. While the guys cooked, I went swimming with all the kids in our pond. Jane sat near the guys on her phone.

Around 5:30-ish the guys called the kids up for food. Me and my middle child (9) weren't hungry yet so we kept swimming. We spent a good 40 extra minutes in the pond on our tubes. I wasn't paying any attention to anything that was going on near the grill. Around 6:15-ish is when my husband said that he was going to make a store run for beer, so I tell my son that we should probably go eat now. My husband and Matt are gone by the time we get up to the grill, so is Jane. Well, we get up to the grill and all the food is gone. Literally everything. I call my husband and ask him where all the food is and he said that it should be on the grill. I tell him that everything is gone. There was a long pause before he goes "Jane asked if she could take some for leftovers but I didn't think she would take all of it". He then tells me there was at least 8 burgers and 10 hotdogs left, as well as macaroni salad when he left for the store 10 minutes prior. I tell him to call Matt and see where tf all the food is. He does. He then calls me back and says that Matt claims Jane only took "a few" and that they had already been eaten. But my oldest son (13) straight up tells me he saw Jane walk off our property carrying the entire dish (one of those extra large tin foil BBQ dishes).

Anyways, I'm pissed at this point. Me and my son hadn't eaten anything. My husband is also pissed but he just grabbed me and my son something from the store instead of making a huge fuss. I don't really blame him (him and Matt work together so it is what it is). But anyways, much to my surprise, Jane and her kids come back over 45 minutes later and ask if they can have some of my cake. I tell Jane that her kids can but she can't. She asks why and I said "I'm pretty sure you've eaten plenty considering you took off with my entire BBQ dinner before me and my son could eat anything". She tried arguing that my husband told her she could have it, that "half of it was hers" (cause they brought two pounds of hamburger meat) and that she "didn't realize" me and my kid hadn't eaten (she was beside the grill the entire time). I just shrugged my shoulders and walk away. She tells her kids to "let's go" and they leave without cake. Now I'm feeling like I may be the asshole. No one has said anything but I know there's tension.

My goodness, is she giving birth to a dragon? Why does she need that much food? I love that she literally returned to the scene of the crime after a near-perfect escape. This was so entertaining to read, I just wish she had a hotdog in her mouth when she rang the doorbell. That's what got me, I can't understand how this tiny amount of hamburger meat they got equaled half of your damn pantry. It's a shame this happened on your birthday, and after a long day in the pool — everyone knows the appetite you build after that. I think a lengthy sentence might be necessary for this offense, let her eat the government cheese if she's so hungry. Read the rest of the thread here.

Check out last week's edition here.

[Image credit: Sarah Schorer]