Identity and Interpersonal

Communication
 Introduction

• The popular television program "What Not to Wear" features complete makeovers for individuals,
nominated by friends and family, who are seen as not reflecting their true identity through their style
of dressing. This is exemplified by Shannon's experience, who, nominated by her co-workers,
transformed her wardrobe, hair, and makeup to project a more professional image for her new job in
face-to-face sales. The show's hosts, Stacey and Clinton, help participants gain confidence and raise
their self-esteem through these transformations. This text prompts us to consider how our personal
style and appearance influence how others perceive us and how it reflects our self-image. It
emphasizes the close relationship between self-perception and interpersonal communication, where
we express our personality, goals, and values while also receiving feedback from others, impacting
our self-concept. In this chapter, we delve into the formation and performance of the self through
interpersonal communication, offering insights into shaping our unique identities and supporting those
of others.
 Self-concept: how you see yourself
• Our self-concept is primarily shaped by our personal experiences and interactions with others, providing us with a
wealth of information about our identity. Through communication, we both observe our own behavior and receive
feedback on how others perceive us, culminating in our self-concept. This concept encompasses our memories, physical
traits, likes and dislikes, feelings, and interpersonal experiences, essentially constituting our understanding of ourselves.
• Though each individual's self-concept is unique, several core characteristics apply universally:
• 1. Subjectivity: Your self-concept is inherently subjective, meaning you are who you perceive yourself to be. This
often leads to biases in self-evaluation. For instance, you might see yourself as a good friend, humorous, or
hardworking, but others may hold different views. People tend to interpret new information in ways consistent with
their existing self-concept, striving to maintain its consistency.
• 2. Self-Esteem: Self-esteem plays a crucial role in self-concept and represents an individual's overall judgment of their
worth and value. It involves assessing one's satisfaction with themselves and their perceived qualities, as measured by
self-esteem assessment statements.
• The self-concept is not only influenced by how we view ourselves but also by how we desire to be seen by others. This
striving for affirmation can impact our relationships, as research shows that individuals are most content when their
self-concept aligns with how their spouse perceives them. Conversely, being either overrated or underrated by a spouse
can lead to issues like depression, marital dissatisfaction, and even divorce.
• Your self-esteem plays a significant role in shaping how you communicate in various contexts. People with low self-
esteem tend to resort to covert activities, such as seeking information from third parties, when they feel their romantic
relationships are deteriorating. Similarly, individuals who perceive threats to their self-esteem are more likely to handle
jealousy by covertly manipulating or avoiding their romantic partners. Low self-esteem can also influence
communication in the workplace, where new hires with low self-esteem often employ indirect strategies like
surveillance to gather information about their new environment.

• The self is a multifaceted entity with different aspects that reflect the roles and relationships we have in various aspects
of our lives. For instance, a college student like Janine, who is on a rowing scholarship, has different facets of her self-
concept. As a student, her academic goals and abilities take center stage, while on the water, her strengths, teamwork,
and commitment are emphasized. She also has other roles, like being a child of South American immigrants, an art
major, and a sorority sister, each requiring different qualities or facets of her self. Research suggests that people with a
complex self-concept tend to experience less depression following stressful life events because a negative experience is
less likely to undermine all of their different facets of self.
• The compatibility of different facets of one's self-concept can vary. They are more likely to be compatible or
complementary when they align with shared core values or beliefs. When facets of the self-concept are
incompatible, a person is more likely to experience depression, loneliness, and low self-esteem.

• Moreover, facets of the self-concept can be more or less visible to oneself and others. The Johari Window is a
tool that helps explore these facets, categorizing them into the open self (known to both self and others), the
hidden self (known to self but not visible to others), the blind self (known to others but not to self), and the
unknown self (neither known to self nor visible to others). It helps individuals become more aware of what they
already know about themselves and discover aspects of their self-concept that they have yet to realize.
• The concept of the self is dynamic and ever-evolving. The specific facet of the self that is relevant at a given moment
becomes active, shaping our sense of self in that context. This active aspect of the self is referred to as the working self-
concept. Just as you would present yourself differently on platforms like Facebook, LinkedIn, and Match.com, your
working self-concept adapts to suit the situation, emphasizing various facets of your identity that are pertinent to the
moment.
• The shift between different facets of the self is as fluid as changing between online profiles, with the active self
dominating the moment. Various factors determine which self becomes active, including internal states (thoughts, goals,
motivations, and emotions) and external circumstances (social context, physical environment, and external demands).
However, it is also possible to consciously activate a particular facet of the self by focusing on relevant traits, even if
they are not the most salient at the moment.
• To understand and develop a more unbiased self-concept, it's essential to recognize the sources of self-knowledge that
shape it. These sources include:
1. Your own observations of yourself: Your firsthand experiences, thoughts, and actions provide valuable insights into
your self-concept. Reflecting on how you treat your friends over time or specific interactions with them can help you
form judgments about your qualities.

• 2. Your social roles: The roles you hold in your life, such as a student, child, or employee, define your relationships
with others and come with specific behaviors and responsibilities. These roles help you learn different aspects of your
identity and your values.
• 3. Social comparison: Social comparison involves comparing yourself to others to gain insight into your own traits and
abilities. Your perception of traits like talkativeness or intelligence is influenced by the people you compare yourself to,
and these comparisons can be subject to bias.
• 4. Feedback from others: Feedback from friends, family, and colleagues can shape your self-concept, offering an
external perspective on your qualities and behaviors.
• By understanding and utilizing these sources of self-knowledge, you can become more self-aware and reduce bias in
how you perceive yourself.
• Other people play a significant role in shaping our self-concept through the messages and feedback they
communicate. This knowledge about ourselves can come from specific individuals, such as friends or family who
offer comments about our appearance, as well as from the collective impression of how people, in general,
perceive us, known as the "generalized other." While feedback from others can provide valuable insights into
our self-concept, this process is subject to several biases:
1. Valuing information from close relationships: We tend to place a higher value on feedback from people who are
close to us.
2. Heightened attention during life changes and uncertainty: When experiencing life changes or uncertainty about our
selves, we become more attentive to how others perceive us.
3. Overestimating consensus in perceptions: We often overestimate the extent to which different people agree in their
perceptions of us.
4. Relying on beliefs about others' perceptions: We base our self-concept more on what we believe other people think
about us rather than how they perceive us.
• To enhance your self-esteem, consider the following strategies:

1. Seek out situations that activate important facets of yourself: Recognize that only the facets of your self-concept
relevant to your current internal and external circumstances are active at any given time. Identify qualities you
value but do not often utilize and find situations that bring them to the forefront.
2. Behave in ways that reflect who you want to be: Your behavior is a powerful source of self-knowledge. Set goals
for yourself and strive to act in ways that align with the self-concept you want to have. Consistent behavior will
eventually support that desired self-concept.
3. Enhance your self-esteem: Self-esteem is linked to how you evaluate your self-worth. To boost your self-esteem
and avoid experiences that threaten it, consider the following:
1. Take stock of your strengths and weaknesses: Recognize your positive qualities and give yourself credit when
you're feeling down about specific traits or characteristics.
2. Change self-directed language and labels: Avoid adopting negative labels for yourself and practice self-
compassion.
3. Survey your environment: Assess whether certain individuals affect your self-esteem negatively and distance
yourself from people who diminish it.
4. Act confidently: Even when you don't feel strong or confident, behave in ways that reflect these qualities.
Positive reinforcement from others will help shape your self-concept in this direction.
IDENTITY: THE COMMUNICATED SELF

• Identity is how others perceive us, encompassing characteristics such as assertiveness, agreeableness, shyness, or
sarcasm. Our communication behaviors and the topics we discuss are the means through which we represent our
identity to others. Self-disclosure, the act of explicitly sharing personal information with another person, is one
significant way in which we paint a picture of our identity. Whether it's disclosing where you are from, what you study,
or what you do for fun to a new acquaintance, or sharing more private information with a close friend, self-disclosure
informs how others see you. Similarly, your online presence through social media platforms like Facebook and Twitter
provides constant disclosures that contribute to your identity.
• Indirectly, we shape our identity through the topics we engage in and the qualities we display during communication.
For example, interactions in a workplace setting can reveal personal traits and values. Sharing personal stories, such as
tales of adventurous weekend activities, can convey qualities like risk-taking, athleticism, and a love for the outdoors.
Similarly, co-workers who share humorous stories about their parenting experiences project an image of a family-
oriented individual with a sense of humor.
• Beyond self-disclosure and personal stories, communication behaviors, choices of topics, and nonverbal expressions all
contribute to creating our identity. Even the belongings we display, such as room decorations and personal items,
provide insights into who we are.
• Interpersonal interaction is not just a means of gaining self-knowledge or portraying the self but is, in fact, the platform
where identities are formed. When you meet someone new, like a neighbor who has just moved in next door, the
choices you make in how you engage with them define who you are in that moment. Whether you choose to be shy,
friendly but busy, helpful, or outgoing shapes your identity in that specific context. As you get to know this neighbor,
your self-disclosure, the information you share about your background, interests, likes, and dislikes, further molds your
identity in their eyes.
• In essence, interpersonal communication is the medium through which identities are created, both for oneself and for
others.
Layers of Identity
• The concept of identity is multi-layered, with communication scholar Michael Hecht proposing that identity consists of
four layers or frames: personal, enactment, relational, and communal. These layers intertwine to create a comprehensive
picture of one's identity.
1. Personal Layer of Identity: This layer revolves around the perceptions and self-knowledge you have about yourself,
which you communicate to others through your communication behavior. Your self-concept, including your strengths,
weaknesses, interests, and values, plays a prominent role in this layer. It is communicated not only through what you
explicitly say but also through the topics you discuss and the way you present yourself in conversations.
2. Enactment Layer of Identity: This layer is concerned with the qualities and characteristics that are revealed through
your style of communication, both verbally and nonverbally. It pertains to aspects like whether you are soft-spoken or
loud, polite or blunt, formal or casual in your communication. These communication behaviors can reflect qualities
such as introversion, extroversion, and regional backgrounds.
3. Relational Layer of Identity: The relational layer focuses on how your personal relationships influence your identity.
It involves the roles you perform in your relationships, such as friend, teammate, spouse, or parent. The identities you
present in these roles are shaped by your interactions with others and can vary depending on the nature of these
relationships.
4. Communal Layer of Identity: This layer encompasses how group memberships, such as cultural, ethnic,
neighborhood, professional, or social groups, become part of your identity. It includes shared experiences, group
history, and group values. Your identity within a particular communal group affects your communication behavior and
the way you perceive yourself in relation to that group.
• These layers of identity are interconnected and may complement or contradict each other, forming a complex network.
When these layers align and complement each other, your identity is more coherent. However, when there are
significant gaps or conflicts between these layers, it can lead to identity gaps, which can have profound consequences
on your well-being and interactions with others.
• For example, someone who identifies with a strong ethnic heritage may have a communal layer of identity linked to
their ethnic group, and this influences their personal values, relational roles, and communication style. The interactions
between these layers are important in shaping one's overall identity.
• Managing identity gaps (A mismatch in the qualities associated with two or more layers of identity) is crucial to ensure
that the different layers of your identity align and create a coherent sense of self. It's important to communicate in ways
that are true to your self-concept, values, and relational roles, as well as in line with your group memberships. Identity
gaps can lead to feelings of dissatisfaction, misunderstanding, and even depression, emphasizing the importance of
maintaining congruence among the layers of identity.
Putting Theory into Practice: Being True to Yourself
• As we have seen, communication is the tool you use to represent yourself to other people. Because your actions define
you as a person, you should take care to communicate in ways that reflect and create an accurate image of who you are.
1. Communicate with Integrity:
1. Being honest and authentic in communication is vital.
2. Misrepresenting oneself can lead to negative consequences.
3. False identities can have severe repercussions, reinforcing certain attitudes or leading to undesired outcomes.
4. Expressing racism or prejudiced comments has ethical and social implications.
Example: The case of a student suggesting the use of racist attitudes to avoid jury duty illustrates the importance of
expressing genuine identities and the ethical concerns associated with false representations.
2. Reduce Identity Gaps:
5. When the layers of one's identity conflict, it can lead to dissatisfaction and negative self-perception.
6. Reducing identity gaps involves aligning personal qualities with relational roles and communication style.
reducing identity gaps means making sure that your personal qualities match the roles you take on in relationships and
that your way of communicating aligns with your true self.
7. Minimizing identity gaps improves well-being and satisfaction in interpersonal interactions.
Example: Gwen's situation, where she perceives a gap between her personal identity as a competent office manager and her
relational identity as a daughter living with her parents, highlights the importance of aligning different layers of identity to
improve her self-concept.
 Identities in transition

• the way we see ourselves changes as we go through different life stages and experiences. For instance, as a child, your
identity was shaped largely by interactions with siblings and parents. In adolescence, friendships played a more
significant role. Adulthood brings new roles with college, work, and family, leading to the expression of different
identities. The section explores two life stages: the shift from child to adult and the adjustment parents make when their
grown-up children leave home.
• Emerging Adult-hood
• the period known as emerging adulthood, roughly between ages 18 to 25 when people in our society are less
constrained by their families and not yet burdened by adult responsibilities, is a time of significant self-concept
development. During this phase, individuals have more freedom to explore different identities before settling into adult
roles. It's a turbulent period, with some engaging in risky behaviors if they feel they haven't fully transitioned to
adulthood. As individuals form their adult identity, changes often occur in their relationships, particularly with parents.
College students experience shifts in contact but improved relationship quality with parents. Additionally, relationships
with siblings become warmer, involving more emotional sharing and less conflict, despite reduced contact.
Sexual ID

• during the phase of emerging adulthood (around ages 18 to 25), individuals go through a crucial period in which their
sexual identities take shape. Sexual identity goes beyond orientation, involving how one perceives and expresses sexual
needs, values, and preferences. Communication plays a vital role in this development. For instance, research indicates
that adolescent males often use weblogs to express a gay or bisexual identity. Teens in general use online chat rooms to
communicate their sexual identity through language, activities, or screen names. Sexual behavior, such as
demonstrating an interest in sexual contact or maintaining virginity, can influence how others label individuals.
Expressing one's sexual identity, whether through communication or behavior, has significant consequences for shaping
self-concept and identity stability. Studies highlight that talking about sexual identity helps solidify self-perceptions,
while negative interpersonal interactions can lead to feelings of depression and lower self-esteem, particularly among
lesbian individuals.
The Empty Nest

• when children grow up and leave home, parents go through a significant change. They need to adapt to a new identity
and redefine their relationship with their now-adult children. This process, known as the "empty nest," involves parents
letting go of their maturing children, which often starts before the child actually leaves. A study on parents of high
school seniors revealed mixed emotions, including a sense of loss, excitement about the child's future, and happiness at
gaining personal freedom. Families use strategies like deciding the distance the child will move for college together,
ensuring independence while maintaining closeness. Some even keep the child's room intact to symbolize their ongoing
presence in the home. These strategies make the transition to an empty nest more gradual, giving parents time to adjust
to their new identity.
• although the experience of children leaving home (empty nest) isn't universally positive, it has some advantages.
Mothers, in particular, tend to be happier and face fewer daily hassles after their children move out, especially if there
are no concerns about them. Women with an empty nest often perceive their marriages as more balanced. Generally,
parents are happier after their children leave, especially if they maintain frequent communication. When adult children
talk with their parents, it allows the parents to continue their parental role without the challenges of earlier years.
However, for parents without other significant aspects to their identity, this period can be more challenging. Those with
a less robust self-concept may need more coping strategies to deal with the distress of their children leaving. Some
couples may decide not to maintain their relationship after the family structure changes. For certain parents, their
children leaving might be seen as a sign of their progression toward old age. Despite the exciting possibilities, the
empty nest stage can also bring about fewer desirable changes in a person's identity.
 Challenges in empty nest
- Parents who do not have other important facets to their identity may find it more challenging to cope with the
empty nest.
- Changes in the family structure, such as children leaving home, can lead to shifts in relationships and may even
result in couples reevaluating their relationships.
4. Supporting Identity Changes:
1. Confiding in others and seeking support during times of identity change is essential.
2. Conversations with friends, family, and respected individuals can provide valuable insights and help individuals
navigate identity transitions.
1. Example: Seeking advice and support from parents, older siblings, or respected figures during the transition from
partier to professional can contribute to a smoother identity shift in emerging adulthood.
5. Embracing Diverse Identities:
1. Avoid making assumptions about people's identities based on their appearance or stereotypes.
2. Give individuals the opportunity to perform their identity and express themselves, rather than forcing them to
correct misconceptions.
Example: Avoid making assumptions about people's sexual orientation or gender identity and allow them to clarify their
identities, which can lead to more inclusive and fulfilling communication.
6. Supporting Parents as They Empty Their Nest:
- Interpersonal communication is a powerful tool to help parents adapt to their new identity as their children leave home. How?

1. Emotional Support: Interpersonal communication allows parents to express their feelings and emotions to friends, family, or support
groups. Sharing their concerns, worries, and even the sense of loss can provide emotional relief and help them process these complex
emotions.

2. Shared Experiences: Talking to other parents who have gone through the empty nest transition can offer valuable insights and shared
experiences. Parents can learn from others who have successfully adapted to their new roles, which can be reassuring and offer
guidance.

3. Advice and Guidance: Parents can seek advice and guidance from trusted individuals, such as friends, relatives, or mental health
professionals. These conversations can help parents navigate the changes in their identity, relationships, and daily life.

4. Communication with Adult Children: Open and honest communication with their adult children can be instrumental in
understanding each other's expectations and boundaries. Parents can discuss the frequency of communication, visits, and their role in
their children's lives, which can contribute to a smoother transition.

5. Reinventing Themselves: Through communication, parents can explore new interests, activities, and goals that align with their
evolving identity. This can lead to personal growth and fulfillment as they redefine themselves beyond their roles as parents.

6. Maintaining a Connection: While children may be physically distant, regular communication helps parents stay connected with their
children. It allows them to continue performing their parental role, albeit in a different context, and provide support when needed.