Temper Tantrum

– How To Deal With Toddler Tantrums

7 Proven Steps
Temper Tantrum

• Living with a toddler sometimes feels like living with a

tantrum landmine.
• They can throw a fit over almost anything.
• They can love eating maggi one day but hate it the next, and
scream “MINE!” desperately one second after handing Dad their
toy.
• Pretty crazy, right?
What Is Tantrum

• A kid’s temper tantrum is an intense storm of emotions, which are

usually anger, loss, disappointment and deep frustration, in a
young child.

• n toddlers, this emotional outbreak can lead to crying, screaming,

stomping, falling down, kicking, biting, hitting, throwing things,
banging the head or holding breath.
Fits and tantrums

• Fits and tantrums are not always about trying to control or

manipulate parents.
• They tend to have mostly emotional meltdowns when they’re
upset.
• Depending on past behavior and parents’ reactions, some children
learn to use tantrums as a means to get what they want.
Why Does 2 or 3 Year Old Have Tantrums

• Toddler tantrums are actually natural behaviors.

• They usually result from unmet needs or desires.
• Tantrums are more likely to appear in young children because that’s
when they start to learn to seek independence.
• But a tantrum-throwing toddler is not a spoiled brat.
• Their lives may seem cushy.

• But toddlers are actually going through

hellish turmoil inside.
Why Does 2 or 3 Year Old Have Tantrums

• Babies come to this world with no knowledge of anything.

• Two-year-olds have just learned how to walk.
• They want to explore the world, go everywhere and touch everything.
• They have just discovered how to use tools, but they don’t have the
motor skills fine-tuned enough to always get the results they want.
• They look to their parents for safety (exploring something they’ve
never seen before is scary), comfort (I’m so sad I couldn’t lift that
stool), help (a little help getting that pair of scissors, please?) and
sharing joy (look, standing on the high chair, no hands!).
Why Does 2 or 3 Year Old Have Tantrums

•But instead of receiving

praises, all they get is
parents yelling “no”, “stop”
and “bad” at them for no
reason. WTH?
Why Does 2 or 3 Year Old Have Tantrums

•To make things worse, when

toddlers are disappointed or
upset, they would feel strong
emotions that they have yet
learned to control.
Whats happening

• Their emotional regulating systems are not yet developed. 

• The lack of vocabularies to express themselves also adds to
their anger and frustration.
• Temper tantrums then become their outlets and their
words. 
• When children are having emotional tantrums, they are
telling us that they’re in deep emotional pain and they
cannot cope on their own.
•In other words, they need our help.
What Goes On Inside The Toddler

• If childs needs are not met an alarm system kicks off in his brain
• A child’s local brain (aka prefrontal cortex or higher brain) is not
sufficiently developed to manage the reaction of the alarm
system.
• When this happens, stress hormones are released to course
through the toddler’s body and emotions become intense.
• This hormonal storm causes anguish and
emotional pain which amounts to physical
pain.
What Goes On Inside The Toddler

• The stress hormones also hinder the toddler’s ability to

access the rational thinking inside his logical brain.

• Essentially, the toddler is having a “brain freeze”.

• Similar things can happen in grownups if they haven’t

learned how to handle their own emotions at a young age.

• You hear people say, “I broke the chair because I was

angry. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
• To control strong emotions, a child needs to develop connections
between the logical brain and the emotional brain.

• Only then can the logical brain rationally calm the emotional

brain.
Why Parents Should Handle Toddler
Tantrums With Care
• At birth, babies have billions of brain cells (neurons) but not many
brain cell connections (synapses).
• The network of connections is formed through life experiences.
• Temper tantrums are some of the most crucial life experiences in
sculpting the brain.
• Being able to regulate emotions during tantrums allows proper
brain cell connections to form.
• These neural pathways are essential for the child to manage stress
and be assertive later in life​
Why Parents Should Handle Toddler
Tantrums With Care

•If a child is not given the

opportunity to learn these
regulating skills, for example, if
tantrums are met with anger or
punishment, the child may grow
up not being able to handle
stress well or be assertive.
Why Parents Should Handle Toddler
Tantrums With Care

• The child may also struggle with

internalizing problems (e.g. depression,
anxiety disorder) or have externalizing
issues (e.g. aggression, drug/alcohol
abuse).
• Emotion dysregulation can also affect
future social competence as well as
academic performance
Why Parents Should Handle Toddler
Tantrums With Care
• But if handled with care, tantrums can
become an invaluable life lesson in emotion
regulation which has been shown to link to
resilience in children, social competence,
academic success and even popularity.
•Helping toddlers regulate their
emotions during tantrums is one of the
most important jobs in parenting
Why Parents Should Handle Toddler
Tantrums With Care
• But if handled with care, tantrums can
become an invaluable life lesson in emotion
regulation which has been shown to link to
resilience in children, social competence,
academic success and even popularity.
•Helping toddlers regulate their
emotions during tantrums is one of the
most important jobs in parenting
How To Deal With Toddler Tantrums – 7
Proven Steps
• Use Simple Choices Or Distractions
• When a tantrum starts forming, sometimes parents can
promptly alleviate it by addressing the issue at hand.
• For example, if a child doesn’t want dinner, instead of
forcing her to eat which will bring on more emotions,
the parent can ask her to choose to eat the meat or
the vegetable first.
• When questions with simple choices are presented, the
child’s thinking brain is activated.
Use Simple Choices Or Distractions
• By accessing the child’s higher brain, parents help it stay in
control before the emotional brain takes over​
• Distraction is another way to excite the logical brain.
• Distractions such as letting the toddler have another toy (but not
the original one she wanted) or singing a silly song can divert the
child’s attention and raise her curiosity.
• Curiosity piques the interest of the logical brain and triggers the
release of a feel-good chemical (dopamine) in the brain.
• This hormone can reduce stress and increase her interest in the
newly presented object or event.
Use Simple Choices Or Distractions

• Using simple questions, distractions or

other ways to engage your child’s
critical thinking before emotions
escalate to the point of losing control
can stamp out a tantrum before it
starts.
Do Not Reason Because They Cannot Hear

• Once the temper tantrum has started, a toddler is

flooded with emotions. The emotional brain has
taken control, and you cannot reach her thinking
brain and verbal functions
• So, when a meltdown is in full swing, trying to
reason with her or asking her about her feelings is
a waste of time. You may end up upsetting her
and arousing her emotions even more.
Restore Emotional Balance And Learn To
Self-Regulate
• Parents can help restore the hormonal balance inside a child’s body by
holding or hugging him. 
• Holding or hugging can activate the calming system in his body and triggers
another feel-good chemical (oxytocin) that can regulate his emotions.
• Make sure you are calm yourself before doing this. Otherwise, if your own
system is not calm, you may make him more stressed.
• Sometimes, positive words or acknowledgments alone such as “I know”, “you
must feel very upset” or “I’m so sorry that you’re hurt” are good enough to
let a child feel safe and understood.
• Parents’ sympathy and attuning to his feelings not only can soothe the child’s
emotion, but they can also help build those important pathways between his
local and emotional brains.
• It is important to help a child learn to regulate his emotions.
Be Calm, Positive But Do Not Give In

• Any parent can tell you that toddlers mimic what grownups do.
• That includes the grownup’s control over emotions.
• If you get angry and start yelling at the toddler when she throws a
tantrum, you are modeling how she should react when things don’t
go her way.
• But if you stay clam, you are teaching her how to face difficulties
and upsetting situations without losing control of emotions.
Be Calm, Positive But Do Not Give In

• Another reason for staying calm and positive is that emotions, especially negative
ones, are contagious.
• Being angry or negative will only increase your child’s stress.
• However, being positive doesn’t mean giving in. You can positively acknowledge
their frustration while keeping your boundaries.
• You can say, “I see that you are very angry and frustrated. I’m sorry. But you
cannot have candy right before dinner” kindly and firmly.
• Giving in once in a while is particularly bad, because intermittent reinforcement
encourages the behavior you’re trying to stopped like no other. Instead of
teaching your child that it’s only an one-time exception, you are teaching him
that if he’s persistent enough, you will cave in eventually.
Do Not Punish. Time-Out Is A Last Resort

• Let’s say you are suffering from intense pain.

• It is so much so that you drop to the ground and writhe.
• Do you want your loved ones to punish you, walk away from you or lock
you in a room by yourself?
• Sometimes a tantrum may start as means to get something the toddler
wants.
• But if left undealt with, it can escalate into a strong hormonal storm which
a young child is not equipped to cope with by himself.
• When that happens, it becomes a genuine case of uncontrollable anguish
and pain.
Do Not Punish. Time-Out Is A Last Resort

• Punishment, time-out or isolation will add to that pain.

• Brain scans show that the pain from social isolation activates the same neural
region as physical pain​10​.
• Think about this, if you are in intense emotional pain, will inflicting physical pain
on you help you feel better?
• No, it will not. It will feel like adding insult to injury.
• It’s the same with your toddler.
• In addition, it will teach your child that he cannot trust you to help him or
understand his grief when he’s in pain and needs you.
• If a child learns early on that expressing big feelings will result in parental anger or
punishment, he may resort to being compliant or being defiant.
Do Not Punish. Time-Out Is A Last Resort

• Punishment, time-out or isolation will add to that pain.

• Brain scans show that the pain from social isolation activates the same neural
region as physical pain​10​.
• Think about this, if you are in intense emotional pain, will inflicting physical pain
on you help you feel better?
• No, it will not. It will feel like adding insult to injury.
• It’s the same with your toddler.
• In addition, it will teach your child that he cannot trust you to help him or
understand his grief when he’s in pain and needs you.
• If a child learns early on that expressing big feelings will result in parental anger or
punishment, he may resort to being compliant or being defiant.
Do Not Punish. Time-Out Is A Last Resort

• Either way, it means the child will not have the opportunity to form proper brain connections
to deal with strong emotions.
• When facing frustrations later in life, he may struggle to be assertive or have angry
outbursts.
• Sometimes, if a toddler in distress is met with negative or lack of responses from his parents,
he may stop crying.
• But that doesn’t mean he is not in distress any more.
• Studies have shown that distressed young children can still have high stress hormonal level
inside his body despite appearing calm.
• In some cases, this dissociation between behavioral and physiological responses can lead to
emotional or mental health problems later in life.
• Time-out should be used as a last resort.
• It should only be used when the child has hurt someone intentionally such as biting or hitting
and when he is not already flooded with emotions.
• And it should be non-punitively and done in a kind and firm way.
Teach Vocabularies So They Can Express
Themselves Properly

• When the dust has settled, when your child has thoroughly de-escalated
from the intense emotional state, you can review what happened with her.
• Teach her what she can say next time she wants something.
• Teach her how to use words, instead of throwing things, to express her
feelings.
• Narrating what happened can also help her create those important neural
connections to manage emotional situations in future ​9,11​.
• You can even tell her how you feel when she throws a tantrum.
• It says to her that it is alright to have feelings and feelings can be
controlled.
• You are also teaching her how her action can affect others and what
empathy is.
Prevent Tantrums Before They Appear

• There are things parents can do to prevent tantrums.

• Look for HALT:
• H – Hunger
A – Anger
L – Lonely
T – Tiredness
• Children are more prone to throw fits when they are hungry or tired.
• When these physical factors are present, all it takes is a trigger to set things in motion.
• So, set a schedule of sleep-eat-rest to avoid these tantrum traps.
• Being bored, stressed, angry, frustrated or disappointed are also effective triggers.
• Prevent this from from the beginning.
• If you know your child will be upset when not getting something, provide alternatives or
distractions in advance.
• It’s much easier to access their logical thinking to prevent a tantrum than to put out one once it
happens.
For a toddler, that’s like adding fuel to fire.
If she’s old enough to reason, she may understand that it’s not working and stop the tantrum.
But if she’s too young or too upset to do so, it can push her right into an emotional storm.
Instead of ignoring, acknowledging his desires and mirroring his emotion may be all it takes for him to calm down and be receptive to the enforced boundaries.
Here is an example.

Prevent Tantrums Before They Appear

If your child is shouting, “I want this!”.
You can mirror his expression and shout mildly back to him, “I know you really want this. You  really really want this!”
What you’re doing here is attuning to his feelings.
Emotional attunement tells your child that you get it, you get that he’s upset.
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When your child feels understood, you will have his attention and the rational thinking that comes with it.
It’s half the battle won.
The other half is to let him know calmly the reason such as “But I’m sorry. You just cannot have ice cream before dinner.”