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Questions
Mindfulness Activity
Observe
Imagine that within you is a spiral staircase. Winding down

to your very center. Starting at the top, walk very slowly
down the staircase, going deeper and deeper within
yourself.
Developing Interpersonal Effectiveness
Skills
Lesson 10
(DeCano & Cook, 2015)
Summary of the Previous Lesson
• Emotions represent subjective experience that combines bodily
and cognitive reactions, are designed to provide us feedback, and
motivate specific types of behavior or action
• Emotions are functionally adaptive
• Negative emotions narrow and positive emotions broaden
• To have resilience we must manage intense negative emotions and

cultivate positive emotions
Summary of the Previous Lesson
• Intense negative emotions can be managed two different ways:
• If in a crisis – emotional temperature > 65 – then use crisis survival skills:
• TIPP
• Distract with ACCEPTS
• IMPROVE the Moment
• Pro & Cons
• If not a crisis < 65 then use:
• Check the Facts and then Opposite Action or Problem

Solving
• Positive self-talk
• Mindfulness of current emotion: Wave Skill
Learning Objectives
 After completing this lesson, you will be able to:
• Understand the need for effective communication in

relationships
• Know the difference between three key effective communication

skills and when you would use each one
• Use all three communication skills

Lesson 10: Glossary Terms
Developing Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills
The interpersonal strategy to effectively ask for the
Objective Effectiveness things you want and/or to say “no” to the things you
don’t want.
The interpersonal strategy that focuses on

Relationship Effectiveness relationships: building and maintaining relationship
while obtaining one’s objective.
The interpersonal strategy that involves keeping and

Self-Respect Effectiveness maintaining your self-respect while obtaining one’s
objective.
Acknowledging the other person’s feelings, behaviors

Validation or opinions. *One can validate WHY someone did
something without validating WHAT they did.
Participation Week 10
• When was a time you had difficulty

communicating what you wanted to with
someone you care about?
Developing and Restoring Relationships
And yet relationships are really hard at times …..
……………………
Relationships with teachers…………..
Relationships with parents……………
Relationships with intimate partners.............
Relationships with friends…………….
Relationship with ourselves…………..

How do we skillfully navigate relationships without
completely giving up on them?
How do we often communicate with
others?
Are these effective?

INTERPERSONAL
COMMUNICATION TOOL BOX
DEAR
GIVE FAST
MAN
Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills

Clarify Priorities & Integrate Skills
DEARMAN GIVE FAST
HOW IMPORTANT IS:
 Getting what you want or saying “no” to the things you don’t want?
 Keeping the relationship?
 Maintaining your self-respect?

Questions to Consider in Prioritizing
Your Goal
1. Question: What do I want? What do I need? How do I get it? How

do I effectively say “NO” (if this is your top priority – its DEAR
MAN skills)
2. Question: How do I want the other person to feel about me? (If
this is the top priority – its GIVE skills)
3. Question: How do I want to feel about myself after the

interaction? (if this is your top priority – its FAST skills)
What Gets in the Way of Using
Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills
1. Lack of skill: You actually do not know what to say or how to act
2. Worry thoughts
a. Worry about bad consequences
b. Worry about whether you deserve to get what you want
c. Worry about being ineffective and calling yourself names
3. Emotions
a. Anger, frustration, fear, guilt, sadness)
4. Not being able to decide – not sure what you really want or not sure
how to balance the priorities
5. Environment
a. Other people are too powerful
b. Other people may not like you
c. Other people won’t get you what you want unless you sacrifice
your self-respect
Obtaining your GOAL
1.
Objective Effectiveness
 What specific results do
you want?
DEAR MAN
 What do you want this
person to do, stop, or
accept?
DEAR MAN: Asserting what you want
D Describe Describe the facts of the situation.
E Express Express your feelings with “I”
statements.
A Assert Ask for what you want or say “no”
clearly.
R Reinforce Reinforce by explaining what THEY
will get out of what you want!
M Mindful Keep your focus on what you want
(“broken record”)
A Appear
confident Make eye contact, use confident tone
N Negotiate Be willing to GIVE TO GET
DEAR MAN Really Does Work!
Hi Raphe,
I hope you had a great weekend away in the mountains! I have a group of students from
Neah Bay coming in this week for the culmination of a project with UW undergrads. Our
team is facing a couple of logistical bumps we didn’t foresee. I am also working to wrap
up my final assignments for the last week of the quarter. I feel worried that I won’t be
able to get everything done on time and frustrated that I’m not able to devote as much
energy and undivided focus to my paper for your class. I believe I’ve been working very
hard on my class presentation for this week, more so because its on a topic I care a
great deal about. I am reaching out to ask if it is possible to turn my final paper in on
Sunday evening. The few extra days would allow me to make it a stronger paper that
could be useful for my research in the future. I understand it is an inconvenience to you
to have less time to grade a lengthy paper and I know that if I have the extra time it will
be a much more fulfilling read for you. Please let me know if this extension would work
for you or if there are any alternative solutions that you think would be better.
Thanks so much,
Meaghan
Maintain positive
RELATIONSHIPS while
helping others feel good about
themselves and you.
2.
Relationship Effectiveness
GIVE How do I want the other

person to feel about me
because of how I handle
the interaction?
GIVE: Build and maintain positive relationships
Be nice and respectful. Don’t attack or use
G (be) Gentle threats or judgments. Watch the tone!
(act) LISTEN and act interested in what the
I Interested other person is saying. Don’t interrupt +
keep eye contact!
Validate Be non-judgmental. Show that you
understand the other person’s feelings.
V “That makes sense, anybody in that
situation would feel that way….”
“That sounds really difficult.…”
(use) Easy Smile! Use humor and non-threatening
E Manner body language. Check the attitude.
Example of GIVE
Supporting a friend who just broke-up with their
partner
G – I am sorry to hear the news

I - I know you two were really close.
What can I do to help?
V - I can see you are really sad,
break ups are hard
E - What do you need from me?
Providing validation to a friend
Six Strategies of Validation
1. Be Present by actively listening. Make eye contact and stay focused.

2. Be mindful of your verbal and nonverbal reactions.
3. Observe what the other person is feeling in the moment. Look for any
feeling words they use.
4. Reflect the feeling back without judgment. Communicate that you
understand how the other person feels. i.e. “It makes sense that you’re
angry.”
5. Show tolerance! Validate the pieces that make sense not the pieces
that don’t.
6. Thoughtfully respond in a way that shows that you are taking the
person seriously.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GgQBPSECgZg
Validation: Honoring the Dialectic
 Part of validation is honoring both sides of the dialectic:
 BUT
 AND
**Important to note: Validation does not mean
approval
Acting in a way the keeps
your SELF RESPECT
3.
Self-Respect Effectiveness
FAST  How do I want to feel about

myself because of how I
handle the interaction?
FAST: Maintaining your self-respect
F (be) Fair Be fair to yourself AND the other person.

BALANCE
(no) Don’t over-apologize for making a request
A Apologies or being yourself. Don’t under-apologize
when you are wrong.
Stick to your Stick to your own values and opinions;
S values Don’t sell out or cave to try to fit in!
T (be) Truthful Don’t lie. Don’t act helpless when you are
not; don’t make up excuses or exaggerate.
Example of FAST
Drugs
Nonconsensual Sex
Peer
Pressure
Summary of this Lesson
• There are 3 Interpersonal Effectiveness skills for

helping us with relationships
• Objective Effectiveness – DEAR MAN
• Relationship Effectiveness – GIVE
• Self-Respect Effectiveness - FAST
• Determining what Interpersonal skill to use – rank

priorities of what you want
Participation Week 10
• Which do you want to work on most?
• 1 – asking for things more effectively
• 2 – building and maintaining relationships

• 3 – maintaining self-respect
Mindfulness Activity
Participate:
Standing on One Leg
Role Play
Interpersonal Effectiveness
1. Brainstorm different types of arguments you might have with a friend,
family member, or significant other
• Remember - Identify your primary objective in the argument (objective,
relationship, or self-respect)
2. Have each group member pick one to practice
3. Take turns role playing the scenario and giving each other feedback about
what worked, didn’t work, etc.
4. After each role play – discuss the following

• What was your primary objective and why?
• Which parts of the skills felt natural? Which parts felt harder?

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Welcome! We Are Glad You Are Here!

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Welcome!

We are glad you are

Imagine that within you is a spiral staircase. Winding down

• Emotions are functionally adaptive

• Negative emotions narrow and positive emotions broaden

• To have resilience we must manage intense negative emotions and

• If not a crisis < 65 then use:

• Check the Facts and then Opposite Action or Problem

 After completing this lesson, you will be able to:

• Understand the need for effective communication in

• Know the difference between three key effective communication

• Use all three communication skills

The interpersonal strategy that focuses on

The interpersonal strategy that involves keeping and

Acknowledging the other person’s feelings, behaviors

• When was a time you had difficulty

Relationships with teachers…………..

Relationships with parents……………

Relationships with intimate partners.............

Relationships with friends…………….

Relationship with ourselves…………..

Are these effective?

Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills

DEARMAN GIVE FAST

HOW IMPORTANT IS:

 Keeping the relationship?

 Maintaining your self-respect?

1. Question: What do I want? What do I need? How do I get it? How

3. Question: How do I want to feel about myself after the

GIVE How do I want the other

G – I am sorry to hear the news

1. Be Present by actively listening. Make eye contact and stay focused.

 Part of validation is honoring both sides of the dialectic:

FAST  How do I want to feel about

F (be) Fair Be fair to yourself AND the other person.

• There are 3 Interpersonal Effectiveness skills for

• Objective Effectiveness – DEAR MAN

• Relationship Effectiveness – GIVE

• Self-Respect Effectiveness - FAST

• Determining what Interpersonal skill to use – rank

• 2 – building and maintaining relationships

2. Have each group member pick one to practice

4. After each role play – discuss the following

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