ASSERTIVE TRAINING

A lecture By:
Tamkeen Saleem
STYLES OF COMMUNICATION

Passive
Passive/Aggressive
Aggressive
Assertive
PASSIVE COMMUNICATION
 Soft voice
 Overly agreeable, no point of view expressed
 Avoidance
 Withdrawn body language
 Sound unsure
 Beat around the bush
 Sound hopeless or helpless
SOME PASSIVE MESSAGES
“Uh…if that’s the way you want to do it…um,
that’s fine with me.”
“I don’t know if I could do that.”
“I’ll talk to him soon about that problem; I’ve just
been really busy.”
“I’m sorry to ask you.”
“I hate to bother you.”
“Maybe that’s a good idea.”
PASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE
COMMUNICATION
 Appears to agree but really does not agree
 Tells others but not the source of the
concern
 Makes subtle digs and sarcastic remarks
 Keeps score, sets conditions
 Nonverbal message contradicts the verbal
message
 Holds back expressing concerns or
providing assistance
 Criticizes after the fact
AGGRESSIVE
COMMUNICATION

 Blaming, accusing
 Intimidating body language
 Demanding, ordering
 Raised voice
 Harsh, personal language
 Verbal browbeating
ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION
 Takes responsibility
 Takes initiative
 Listens actively
 Speaks up, is direct and constructive
 Shows sincerity
 Is solutions focused
 Assumes a confident voice and body language
 Addresses concerns directly to the source
 Requests needs
DON’T CONFUSE AGGRESSIVE WITH
ASSERTIVE.
Aggressive Assertive
Blunt Direct
Harsh in tone Firm in tone
Blame and Browbeat Collaborates on
Push for your own way solutions
One-way conversation Speaks up, yet hears
flow others opinions
Two-way conversation
flow
EYE CONTACT

 Make steady eye contact

 Maintain eye contact
 Look in the right places
EYE CONTACT PITFALLS
 Staring and glaring
 Looking away and all around
 Darting glances
 Blinking excessively
 Focusing in on one person
 Glazing over
BODY LANGUAGE
Posture
Facial expressions
Gestures
BODY LANGUAGE PITFALLS
 Slouching/Bend down
 Invading space
 Hovering over the listener
 Looking blank
 Looking stern
 Displaying threatening gestures
 Folding your arms
 Exhibiting distracting habits
SET THE TONE
 Project your voice
 Show inflection in your
voice/Modulation in your pitch
 Display sincerity in your tone
VOCAL PITFALLS
 Sounding uncertain
 Being too soft-spoken
 Mumbling
 Being to loud
 Dropping your voice at the end of a sentence
 Sounding Monotonous
 Putting people down with your tone
 Having harshness in your tone
 Speaking too fast
 Using excessive filler sounds
ASSERTIVE COMMUNICATION
IS

 Not a guarantee
 Not another “should”
 Not negative
 Taking charge of oneself
 Middle ground style
 An active expressive focus
 TYPES OF ASSERTIVENESS
 Non-assertive behaviour
I am not ok,you are ok
 Assertive behaviour
I am ok,you are ok
 Aggresive behaviour
I am ok,you are not ok
 Manipulative behaviour
I am not ok,you are not ok
WHY İS İT DİFFİCULT TO SAY NO?

 If I say no,they may feel hurt

 If I say no this time, they may not like me anymore

 If I say no this time,they may never ask again

 They won’t take any notice if I say no

 They would say ‘yes’ to me (and so I will feel guilty if I refuse

them)
 I can’t say no, because I feel sorry for them
HOW TO SAY ‘NO’ ASSERTİVELY?

 Start your reply with a clear,firm,audible ‘no’

 Do not justify or make excuses. Giving a reason is different
from over-appologizing
 Feel that you have a right to say no
 Once you have said ‘no’ , do not stay around waiting to be
persuaded to change your mind. Make a definite closure by
changing the subject,walking away, continiuing with what you
are doing-whatever is appropriate
HOW TO SAY ‘NO’ ASSERTİVELY?
 Remember you are saying ‘no’ to that particular
request, not rejecting the person
 If the request takes you unawares or you have not
sufficent time to think when asked,you can always
say, ‘I will let you know’ in order to give yourself
time to think about what you want to say
 Take responsibility for saying no-do not blame the
other person for asking you
 Ask for more information if you need it in order to
decide whether you want to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’
 WHY İS İT DİFFİCULT TO SAY ‘YES’?

 I don’t deserve it
 They might not really mean it

 I am not really sure that is what I want

 I don’t have enough information

HOW TO SAY ‘YES’ ASSERTİVELY

 Say ‘yes’ clearly and definitely

 Identify why you would find it difficult

 Examine thoughts realistically and ask yourself

 Having clarified thoughts for yourself then reaffirm your

desire to say ‘yes’
 PROBLEMS İN ASSERTİVENESS TRAİNİNG
 The first major problem for assertion training involves
negative evaluations of assertive people by others
 Confusion between assertion and aggression
 Problem involves transfer of training, the difficulty
experienced by trainees in generalising assertive from the
training context to real-life situations
 Finally some of the difficulties in applying assertion training
outside the training context may be due to intuitive training
procedures that are inadequately based in research
 TECHNİQUES İN ASSERTİVENESS TRAİNİNG
 Verbal communication
 Non-verbal communication
 Anxiety reduction and control
 Anger reduction and control, and redirection
of this energy
 Increase in self esteem
 Awareness of self and others in interpersonnal
situations
 Awareness of social and cultural rules of
behaviour
HOW CAN I BE MORE ASSERTIVE
 First be aware of your feelings, needs & wants
 Then say directly how you feel inside & what changes you would
like to see happen
 Use “ I statements” to express yourself
“.. I feel unhappy with your
suggestion & I would like you to listen to
mine..”
 Do not back off or move away from someone you are addressing
(stand your ground)
HOW CAN I BE MORE ASSERTIVE
 Note that 30% of our communication is verbal, while
70% is non-verbal
 Develop non-verbal assertive behaviours. These are
about your voice tone, gestures, eye contact, facial
expression & posture (“social signalling”)
 Non-verbal behaviours definitely influence your impact
on others
 For example; look directly at another person when
addressing them
HOW CAN I BE MORE ASSERTIVE
 Maintain an open posture – if sitting down don’t cross
your legs/arms - if standing up do so erectly & on both
feet
 Stay calm - avoid getting overly emotional or excited
 Practice being assertive through writing, role-play & real
life situations
 Don’t assume others just know how you feel, what you
need or want. Make these known
 Other people are not mind readers
HOW CAN I BE MORE ASSERTIVE
 Learn to also say “ no ”
 Saying “no” sets limits on other people’s demands
for your time, especially when it conflicts with your
own needs
 You can acknowledge the other person’s request by
repeating it back, explain your reason for declining &
then say “no”
 If appropriate suggest an alternative proposal
where both your needs will be met
WHAT DO I GET FROM BEING MORE
ASSERTIVE

 It enables you to obtain more of what

you need & want in life
 It helps minimise stress, frustration &
resentment in your relationships &
interactions with others
 It helps you take more risks & ask more
of life in general
 It adds to your sense of autonomy,
freedom & self confidence
 You definitely gain respect from others
for being direct, open & honest
 TECHNIQUES THAT PROMOTE ASSERTIVE
BEHAVIOR
 Standing up for one’s basic human rights
 Assuming responsibility for own statements
 Responding as a “broken record” – persistently repeating in a
calm voice what is wanted
 Agreeing assertively – assertively accepting negative aspects
about oneself; admitting where an error has been made
 Inquiring assertively – seeking additional information about
critical statements
 Shifting from content to process – changing the focus
of the communication from discussing the topic at hand
to analyzing what is actually going on in the interaction
 Clouding/fogging – concurring with the critic’s
argument without becoming defensive and without
agreeing to change
 Defusing – putting off further discussion with an angry
individual until he or she is calmer
 Delaying assertively – putting off further discussion
with another individual until he or she is calmer
 Responding assertively with irony
ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING TECHNIQUES
 overtmodeling techniques have been used
effectively to train assertion skills
 clients are shown examples of appropriate assertive behavior
 Clients are then asked to imitate the behavior (behavioral
rehearsal)
 covert
modeling requires the person to imagine
making assertive responses
 the therapist provides suggestions about what to include in the
scene
ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING TECHNIQUES
(CONTINUED)
 the individual creates a clear image of the situation
 the person is instructed to incorporate into the scene a
positive outcome
 trainingoften includes homework assignments,
preparation for uncooperative responses to their
assertiveness, and booster sessions to prevent
relapse