CHAPTER 4

Revising
Business
Messages

Instructor Only Version

© 2010 Thomson South-Western
 The Writing Process

MaryMary
EllenEllen
Guffey,
Guffey,
Essentials
Essentials
of Business
of Business
Communication,
Communication,
8e 8e Chapter 4, Slide
2
 Improving content and
sentence structure
Revising May involve adding,
cutting, and recasting.

Correcting grammar,
Proofreading spelling, punctuation,
format, and mechanics

MaryMary
EllenEllen
Guffey,
Guffey,
Essentials
Essentials
of Business
of Business
Communication,
Communication,
8e 8e Chapter 4, Slide
3
 Concise Wording
Revise your messages to eliminate flabby
expressions.
Instead of this Try this
We are of the opinion that We think
Please feel free to Please
In addition to the above Also
At this point in time Now
Despite the fact that Although

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e 4

 Limit Long Lead-Ins

Instead of this Try this

This memo is to inform
All employees meet
you that all employees
today.
meet today.

I am writing this letter to

Thanks to everyone
say thanks to everyone
who voted.
who voted.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e 5

 Drop Unnecessary Fillers
Revise sentences to avoid fillers such as there
is/was and it is/was when used merely to take
up space.
Instead of this Try this
There was only one Only one employee
employee who should should be promoted.
be promoted.
It was Lisa and Jeff who Lisa and Jeff were
were honored. honored.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e 6

 Revise the following sentences to avoid flabby
expressions, long lead-ins, and unnecessary
there is/it is fillers.

This e-mail message is to A new health benefit

inform you that there is a new plan is available for
health benefit plan available employees.
for employees. Quick
I would like to take this Check
We probably will win
opportunity to inform the contract.
everyone that in all probability
we expect to win the contract.

MaryMary
EllenEllen
Guffey,
Guffey,
Essentials
Essentials
of Business
of Business
Communication,
Communication,
8e 8e Chapter 4, Slide
7
 Revise the following sentences to achieve
conciseness.

In addition to the above, there Two contracts are also

are contracts that are attached.
attached hereto.
Quick
Despite the fact that most Although most
Check
information is posted on the information is posted
company intranet, please feel on the company
free to call whenever intranet, please call
necessary. whenever necessary.

MaryMary
EllenEllen
Guffey,
Guffey,
Essentials
Essentials
of Business
of Business
Communication,
Communication,
8e 8e Chapter 4, Slide
8
 Remove Redundant Words
Avoid unnecessarily repetitious words. What
words could be omitted in these expressions?
advance warning necessary requisite
close proximity new beginning
exactly identical past history
filled to capacity refer back
final outcome serious danger

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e 9

 Remove Redundant Words
Avoid unnecessarily repetitious words. What
words could be omitted in these expressions?

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e 10

 Dump Trite Expressions

Trite and Outdated Modern

as per your request at your request
pursuant to your request at your request
attached hereto attached
under separate cover separately

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e 11

 NorthStar Telecommunication Services
Interoffice Memo

Date: November 12, 200x

To: Phillip Larios Try This…
From: Danika Freedman
Subject: Investigation of Web Sites of Some of Our Competitors

This is just a short note to inform you that, as you requested, I have made an investigation
of several of our competitor’s Web sites. Attached hereto is a summary of my findings. of
my investigation. I was really most interested in making a comparison of the employment
of strategies for marketing as well as the use of navigational graphics used to guide
visitors through the sites. In view of the fact that we will be revising our own Website in the
near future, I was extremely intrigued by the organization, kind of marketing tactics, and
navigation at each and every site I visited.
In the event that you would like to discuss this information with me, feel free to call me at
Extension 219.

Attachment.

MaryMary
EllenEllen
Guffey,
Guffey,
Essentials
Essentials
of Business
of Business
Communication,
Communication,
8e 8e Chapter 4, Slide
12
 Memo Revised for Conciseness

MaryMary
EllenEllen
Guffey,
Guffey,
Essentials
Essentials
of Business
of Business
Communication,
Communication,
8e 8e Chapter 4, Slide
13
 Jargon
Avoid technical terms and special terminology
that readers would not recognize.
Computer Jargon Alternative
queue list of documents
waiting to be printed
export transfer data from one
program to another
bandwidth Internet capacity
Is jargon ever permissible?
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e 14
 Slang

Avoid slang (informal expressions with

arbitrary or extravagantly changed meanings).

to “bag on” to tease, to nag, or to

complain
clueless unaware, naïve
turkey someone stupid or silly
chill/chill out relax

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e 15

 Slang

An example from the world of Dilbert:

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e 16

 Clichés

Avoid clichés (overused expressions).

Substitute more precise words.

Instead of this Try this

Last but not least, you Finally, you should
should keep your nose work diligently.
to the grindstone.
We had reached the We could go no
end of our rope. further.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e 17

 Revise the following sentences to avoid
redundancies, trite business expressions,
jargon, and slang.

Last but not least, the Finally, the attorney

attorney referred back to an referred to an
exactly identical case.
Quick identical case.
Check
With a little advance warning, With warning, we
we could have sold out could have sold out
before our stocks tanked. before our stocks hit
bottom.

MaryMary
EllenEllen
Guffey,
Guffey,
Essentials
Essentials
of Business
of Business
Communication,
Communication,
8e 8e Chapter 4, Slide
18
 Revise the following sentences to avoid
redundancies, trite business expressions,
jargon, and slang.

Ms. Miller, who shoots Ms. Miller, who is

straight from the shoulder, straightforward,
demanded final completion demanded
by January 1. completion by
January 1.
Pursuant to your request, As you requested, a
enclosed please find a check check for $150 is
for $150. enclosed.

MaryMary
EllenEllen
Guffey,
Guffey,
Essentials
Essentials
of Business
of Business
Communication,
Communication,
8e 8e Chapter 4, Slide
19
 Buried Verbs

Revise verbs that have been converted to

nouns.

Look for words ending in

Tip tion or ment. Could they
be more efficiently and
forcefully converted to verbs?

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e 20

 Buried Verbs

Instead of this Try this

The manager came to The manager
the realization that realized that
telecommuting made telecommuting
sense. made sense.
A job seeker must A job seeker must
make application apply before
before May 1. May 1.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e 21

 Buried Verbs

Instead of this Try this

Once we have the Once we establish
establishment of a a Web site, our
Web site, our business will grow.
business will grow.
Please seriously
Please give serious consider a
consideration to a company intranet.
company intranet.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e 22
 Control Exuberance
To sound credible, don’t overuse intensifiers
such as very, definitely, quite, completely,
extremely, really, actually, and totally

Excessive Businesslike
The manager is actually The manager is
quite pleased with your pleased with your
proposal because the proposal because the
plan is definitely plan is workable.
workable.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e 23

 Precise Words
Revise your writing to include precise words.
Strive for specific verbs, concrete nouns, and
vivid adjectives. Beware of unclear pronouns.
Unclear More Precise
The man asked Jeff Jones asked for a 10
for a raise. percent salary increase.

An employee Kelly Keeler, production

presented a manager, presented a plan
proposal. to stagger hours.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e 24

 Precise Words
Revise your writing to include descriptive,
dynamic adjectives instead of overworked,
all-purpose ones.
Instead of this Try this
They thought her The management council
report was good. thought Erin’s report was
factual and well written.

She said she would Sheila said she would send

get in touch. you an e-mail.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e 25
 In the following sentences, unbury verbs and
control exuberance.

The seller said he definitely The seller promised

would contact you. to e-mail (telephone
Quick or fax) you.
Check
We must give We must encourage
encouragement to our team. our team.

MaryMary
EllenEllen
Guffey,
Guffey,
Essentials
Essentials
of Business
of Business
Communication,
Communication,
8e 8e Chapter 4, Slide
26
 In the following sentences, unbury verbs and
control exuberance.

Moviegoers actually show a Moviegoers prefer

total preference for buttered buttered popcorn.
popcorn.
Please make an assessment Please assess the
of the home’s value. home’s value.

Ann made a suggestion that Ann suggested that

we hire Lee. we hire Lee.

MaryMary
EllenEllen
Guffey,
Guffey,
Essentials
Essentials
of Business
of Business
Communication,
Communication,
8e 8e Chapter 4, Slide
27
 Designing Documents for
Readability

Employ white space.

Headings

Short paragraphs

Ragged-right margins

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e 28

 Designing Documents for
Readability
Choose appropriate typefaces.
Serif typefaces have small features at ends
of strokes. Useful for body text.
Times New Roman
Century
Georgia
Garamond

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e 29

 Designing Documents for
Readability
Choose appropriate typefaces.
Sans serif typefaces are cleaner without
features. Useful for headings, signs, and
noncontinuous reading material.
Arial
Tahoma
Verdana
Calibri
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e 30
 Designing Documents for
Readability

Use bulleted and numbered lists.

Break up complex information into smaller
chunks.
Use numbered lists for sequences.
Use bulleted lists for items that don’t
require a certain order.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e 31

 Designing Documents for
Readability
Use a numbered list for instructions.
Instead of this Try this
To clean the printer, you To clean the printer, do
should do the following. the following:
First, you should
disconnect the power 1. Disconnect the power
cord. Then you open the cord.
front cover, and the printer 2. Open the front cover.
area should be cleaned
with a soft cloth. 3. Clean the printer with
a soft cloth.
Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e 32
 Designing Documents for
Readability
Organize information with column headings.
Instead of this Try this
On April 3 we will be in Date City Speaker
Toledo, and the speaker is
Troy Lee. On May 20 we April 3 Toledo Troy Lee
will be in Detroit, and the May 20 Detroit Sue Wu
speaker is Sue Wu.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e 33

 Designing Documents for
Readability
Use letters to list items within sentences.
Strive for parallelism.

Instead of this Try this

Our team constantly tries Our team constantly tries
to achieve our goals, to (a) achieve our goals,
customer service must be (b) improve customer
improved, and our service, and (c) hit our
production targets must be production targets.
met.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e 34

 Designing Documents for
Readability
Use paragraph headings to improve
organization and readability.
Instead of this Try this
The next topic is
Vacations. A new vacation
vacations. A new vacation
schedule will be available
schedule will be available
on May 1.
on May 1.
To assist employees, we Flextime. To assist
will begin a flex schedule employees, we will begin a
in the fall. flex schedule in the fall.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e 35

 Arrange the following in a concise, bulleted
vertical list.

In the next training The next training session

session, the trainer will will demonstrate
demonstrate how to
• Creating podcasts
Quick
create podcasts, how to
share multiple programs,
• Sharing multiple Check
programs
and how to maintain an
Internet directory.
• Maintaining an Internet
directory.

MaryMary
EllenEllen
Guffey,
Guffey,
Essentials
Essentials
of Business
of Business
Communication,
Communication,
8e 8e Chapter 4, Slide
36
 Improve the readability of the following
instructions that will become part of a student’s
employment booklet.

In preparing for an employment You can prepare for

interview, you should begin by interviews by doing the
studying the job description. following: Quick
Itemizing your most strategic • Study the job description.
Check
skills and qualifications is also • Itemize your most
important. Giving responses in a strategic skills and
mock interview is another good qualifications.
practice technique. Last, you • Practice giving responses
should be prepared to ask in a mock interview.
relevant questions.

MaryMary
EllenEllen
Guffey,
Guffey,
Essentials
Essentials
of Business
of Business
Communication,
Communication,
8e 8e Chapter 4, Slide
37
 What to Watch for
in Proofreading

Spelling
Grammar
Punctuation

© ISTOCKPHOTO.COM / DMITRY SHIRONOSOV

Names and numbers
Format

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e 38

 Proofreading Marks

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e 39

MaryMary
EllenEllen
Guffey,
Guffey,
Essentials
Essentials
of Business
of Business
Communication,
Communication,
8e 8e Chapter 4, Slide
40
 How to Proofread
Complex Documents

Allow adequate time.

Print a copy, preferably double-spaced.
Be prepared to find errors.
Read once for meaning and once for
grammar/mechanics.
Reduce your reading speed.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e 41

 How to Proofread
Complex Documents
For documents that must be perfect:
Have someone read aloud the original
while someone else checks the printout.
Spell names.
Spell difficult words.
Note capitalization.
Note punctuation.

Mary Ellen Guffey, Essentials of Business Communication, 8e 42

 END

Instructor Only Version

© 2010 Thomson South-Western