Understanding Behavior & Assertiveness

Lea der shi p De vel op men t S er ie s
“ Man agi ng Se lf “
Understanding
Behavior
and
Assertiveness
IDENTIFYING BEHAVIOR
• How we behave reflects how we feel.
• To simplify behavior, imagine you only have two
feelings – you feel good or you feel bad.
• All feelings come under those two headings only.
• You could either feel good about yourself, or bad
about yourself.
• Whenever you come into contact with another
person, you either feel good or bad about them as
well.
This means there are only four combinations of feelings:
1 3
Feel good about self Feel bad about self
Feel other person is Feel other person is
good good
2 4
Feel good about self Feel bad about self
Feel other person is Feel other person is
bad bad
Those four boxes help explain why you
sometimes behave the way you do.
The behavior usually linked to the feelings in
the boxes
Feel good Feed bad
about self about self
Feel other ASSERTIVE PASSIVE

person is BEHAVIOR BEHAVIOR
good
Feel other AGGRESSIVE DEPRESSIVE
person is bad BEHAVIOR BEHAVIOR
So, for example, if you tend to be aggressive, it
is often because you feel others are ‘less than’
you in some way – less important, less able, less
knowledgeable, etc.
UNDERSTANDING ASSERTIVENESS
The dictionary has several definitions of
assertiveness:
• ‘claiming your rights’
• ‘declaring strongly’
• insisting upon’
• ‘standing up for yourself’
One dictionary lists it as ‘making aggressive

claims or statements’ which really doesn’t
describe assertiveness at all well.
Assertiveness is about how you express yourself.
It means being aware of:
• what you need from others
• your opinions
• what you want
• how you feel, and
• what you believe.

It means expressing the above things:
• appropriately
• calmly
• clearly
• directly
• honestly
• in a way that helps others remain calm
• in a way that allows both you and others to keep
your dignity or pride
• without violating others people’s rights.
ANALYSING YOURSELF
Identifying assertiveness
Knowing your opinions,
feelings.
Asking, not telling.
Asking questions to check you Making suggestions, not giving
understand. advice (unless asked for).
Assertive body language Not apologizing excessively.
Being brief – not rambling
Being clear. Not feeling guilty without
‘Being yourself’ reason.
Clam, neutral tone of voice Not interrupting.
Criticism constructively
Not labeling people
Deciding not to be assertive if
you don’t wish to (separating their behavior
Eye contact – looking at who from who they are)
you’re talking to
Saying ‘no’ without feeling
Expressing your own thoughts,
feelings, opinions, etc guilty or selfish.
Stating, not lecturing. Speaking at a sensible speed –
not too fast, not hesitating.
DEVELOPING ASSERTIVENESS
• This is about what you can do to make things
happen. What you can’t do is change other people
• Assertiveness is like planting seeds. They may
grow, they may not
• Planting them and looking after them and making
all the conditions as favorable as possible, you’ve
got the best chance of things turning out as you
would like
Making requests
Do
• Be brief.
• Be direct.
• Be open.
• Believe you have every right to make a
request.
• Give a brief reason for the request.
• Respect their right to say ‘no’.
• Make sure they know you respect it.

Making requests
Don’t
• Apologize for asking

• Exaggerate to make it sound more important.
• Manipulate people into saying ‘yes’.
• Play on your friendship or relationship.
• Refuse to take ‘no’ for an answer.
• Take refusal personally (this is one of the
things that makes it difficult for people to say
no).
• Threaten.
Saying ‘no’
Do
• Acknowledge the request and their right to make

it.
• Ask questions if you need more information before
making a decision.
• Be honest – try to give the real reason for refusing,
even if it’s I don’t want to’.
• Personalise your decision – don’t hide behind rules
and other people.
• Say it nicely!
• Take your time – often people resent an instant
refusal, but if you take time to think about it and
then say ‘no’, they accept it.
Saying ‘no’
Don’t
• Apologize unnecessarily.
• Believe that if you refuse, you won’t be able to
make requests in return.
• Feel guilty.
• Make excuses.
• Think you have no right to refuse.
• Worry they will be hurt.
• Worry they will stop liking you.
Dealing with people who won’t
take ‘no’ for an answer
Do
• Keep to your original decision to refuse.
• Make sure you use the work ‘no’ – check you
actually say it, not just imply it.
• Simply repeat your refusal, adding your reason if
you didn’t give it.
• Stay polite.
Dealing with people who won’t
take ‘no’ for an answer
Don’t
• Become impatient.
• Repeat your reason if you have already given it.
• Start questioning your own judgment.
• Think of more (better) reasons.

Disagreeing with people
Do
• Accept that you have every right to your own

opinion.
• Be firm.
• Be honest.
• Be open-minded – you could be wrong.
• Be polite.
• Realise that an opinion isn’t right or wrong, it’s just
someone’s opinion.
• Separate facts from opinions.
• Stick to logic, not emotion.
Disagreeing with people
Don’t
• Apologize for disagreeing.

• Be afraid they will get angry or upset – they are
responsible for their own feelings.
• Dismiss what they have said as useless, not
worthwhile, etc.
• Put the other person down.
• Say nothing.
• Use emotional terms – I hate it, I love it, it’s foolish,
etc.
AVOIDING THE PITFALLS
of becoming assertive
Concentrating on the person
• People have power over us because we focus on
them, rather than on the situation.
• Everyone is equal, so focus on the situation and you
will be less intimidated by people.

Lack of clarity
• You may have confused ideas, thoughts, emotions,
standards.
• You need to spend some time deciding exactly
what you do want, think, feel about some things.
• If you don’t know what you think, how can you put
it across?
• If you don’t know how you feel, you are at the
mercy of all those feelings, which may make you
behave in a way you don’t have control over.
Lack of practice
• Because you aren’t used to being assertive, it may
well be difficult at first, and seem like a lot of time
and effort for little result.
• Practice not only makes it easier, it also makes you
more likely to have a positive outcome.

Lack of Self-confidence or self-respect
• If you don’t feel good about yourself, it’s hard to be
assertive.
• Do try, however, as changing your behavior can lead
to a change in how you feel.
• Accept that you have rights and they are equal to
other people’s – we’re all equal.
• The old saying ‘treat others as you’d like to be
treated’ is a very good one.
• If other people have the right to polite treatment, so
do you.
• If they have the right to say ‘no’, so do you.
Not knowing your rights
Everyone has rights. Here are some of the main ones:
• To ask for what you want
• To change yourself if you want to
• To change your mind
• To express your opinions and feelings
• To make decisions and choices
• To make mistakes
• To privacy
• To say ‘no’
• To your own opinions
• To you feelings.

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Lea der shi p De vel op men t S er ie s

sometimes behave the way you do.

The behavior usually linked to the feelings in

Feel other ASSERTIVE PASSIVE

So, for example, if you tend to be aggressive, it

is often because you feel others are ‘less than’

you in some way – less important, less able, less

The dictionary has several definitions of

• ‘standing up for yourself’

One dictionary lists it as ‘making aggressive

It means being aware of:

• what you need from others

• what you want

• how you feel, and

• what you believe.

happen. What you can’t do is change other people

• Assertiveness is like planting seeds. They may

grow, they may not

• Planting them and looking after them and making

all the conditions as favorable as possible, you’ve

got the best chance of things turning out as you

• Believe you have every right to make a

• Respect their right to say ‘no’.

• Make sure they know you respect it.

• Apologize for asking

• Acknowledge the request and their right to make

• Repeat your reason if you have already given it.

• Start questioning your own judgment.

• Think of more (better) reasons.

• Accept that you have every right to your own

• Apologize for disagreeing.

Concentrating on the person

• People have power over us because we focus on

them, rather than on the situation.

• Everyone is equal, so focus on the situation and you

will be less intimidated by people.

• Because you aren’t used to being assertive, it may

well be difficult at first, and seem like a lot of time

and effort for little result.

• Practice not only makes it easier, it also makes you

more likely to have a positive outcome.

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