FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL by Jason Segel

December 18, 2006

WGAw

INT. PETERS APARTMENT - LATE AFTERNOON PETER BRETTER (26) watches television alone in his dark, creepy apartment. A fake MUMMY lies in the corner. Vintage magician posters and a giant, creepy French Clockwork Orange poster adorn the walls. Cigarette butts, overflowing ashtrays and bottles of liquor crowd the table and a GIANT PLASMA TELEVISION adorns one wall. In the corner are a guitar and keyboard. Peter sits, smoking, watching THE ISLAND with SCARLETT JOHANNSEN. THE COLONY IS ADDRESSED BY A MAN ON PLASMA SCREENS THROUGHOUT THE COMPOUND ---Peter has made it so his computer is being mirrored on his GIANT PLASMA. He sits in front of his computers camera so that his GIANT FACE is on the tv. He is wearing a Jacket and TIE. PETER (mimicking THE ISLAND) The lottery will begin in twenty minutes. The lucky winners will get to smoke a gigantic joint. Peter chuckles to himself and lights a joint, which he watches himself smoke on TV. He tries to make smoke rings. We pull back to reveal, that he is wearing only the top half of a suit and boxers. -- Peters watching the Red Shoe Diaries. Duchovny narrates. -- Peter opens his fridge. some old orange juice. The part that

It has nothing in it except for

-- Peters on his couch drinking old orange juice from the carton, smoking, watching an informational about a treadmill. -- Peters on the phone. PETER (CONTD) Yeah. I dont need the elliptical. Just the treadmill. Thanks. Its a Mastercard. -- Peters pulled the treadmill out of its box. -- Its some time later. The treadmill is covered in ashtrays and various junk. Peters on the phone.

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PETER (CONTD) Well, thats great. Topher sounds really cool. Im glad youre having fun. Im OK. No, Im fine. Seriously, Im doing fine. I got a treadmill. Yeah. I miss you and I cannot wait to see you. Have fun at the wrap party. Peter hangs up. He then hits the treadmill on and watches with little interest as a bunch of full ash trays, halffilled soda bottles, and papers go flying off it. -- Peter sits on his couch drinking coffee watching Talk Soup. It goes to a commercial for Comedy Mondays and we see a brief promo for GRACE IS ACES, starring Emmy Nominee SARAH MARSHALL. Peter beams. PETER (CONTD) Thats my girl. He addresses a Muppet style DRACULA PUPPET in the corner. PETER (CONTD) Were gonna get to snuggle in only twenty three days, huh Vlad? -- Peter watches the Red Shoe Diaries again. he bounces a ball against Duchovnys face. -- Peters asleep. Its 3:45PM. it go to answering machine. As he does so, He lets

The phone rings.

BRIAN (O.S.) (answering machine) Yo, its your bro. Pick up pick up pick up pick up pick up. (sighs) Since your ladys not in for a couple more days, I was thinking you could let me and Liz take you out for a meal. I know youre there. Pick up pick up pick up pick up Peter ignores the machine. -- Peters alarm goes off. The Cardigans Lovefool begins playing. Peter HOPS OUT of bed. -- Peter, in a nice suit and nice shirt, sits expectantly on his couch. The phone rings. Peter answers it.

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PETER Hey, sweetie! (then) Not for another week? Oh. No, thats totally great. Say hello to everyone for me. Love ya. Peter leaves the room and returns seconds later wearing his old sweatpants and dirty T-shirt. INT. SHOWER - LATER Peter stands, scrubbing and singing in a STRANGE OPERATIC VOICE. The phone rings. He grabs a cordless next to the sink. PETER Hello? Hey Baby! Welcome Home!! Im just in the shower singing. I think Im zeroing in on Draculas point of view. Yeah, of course, come on over. Love you. (beat) Hello? Oh, okay, see you in a minute. Peter hangs up and looks at the phone, a bit concerned. INT. PETERS APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER A knocking at the door. Peter comes out from the bathroom, dripping wet, naked, drying himself with a towel. He opens the door for his stunningly beautiful girlfriend, SARAH MARSHALL (30). She enters as Peter continues drying himself with the towel, casually exposing his naked body. PETER (big, goofy smile) Hey lover! Just scrubbing up for you. She can barely look in Peters direction. SARAH Pete, as you know, I love you very much. But... Peter drops his towel. PETER Are you breaking up with me?

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She looks down at the floor. Then she nods. Peter looks in complete shock. He sits down on the couch and tries not to hyperventilate. SARAH Why dont you put on some clothes and lets discuss this? PETER (already teary) I cant do anything right now. SARAH (sweetly) Honey, Im sorry... PETER (starting to lose it) What is going on? I love you, I love you, please dont do this -SARAH Just put on some clothes -PETER Will that make you not break up with me? Sarah touches Peters shoulder. He roughly shakes her off. *

PETER (CONTD) Im sorry, Im just... oh god. Peter sobs so hard that he begins to choke on his breath. PETER (CONTD) Im in control, Im in control, Im fine, lets talk. Why? She starts to speak. PETER (CONTD) Just tell me why. SARAH (super rehearsed) Pete, as you know, I love you very much. PETER You already said that. exactly that tone. Like in

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SARAH (still super-rehearsed) But Ive felt for a long time that we were growing apart and leading different lives. Its not that I dont love you, I do. PETER (ignoring her) I love you too. Like so much. SARAH And thats really sweet. Its just that... I think my love for you has...changed. PETER Changed how? SARAH Become...weaker. You know? Like, a lot...weaker. Its like youre on the dock and Im in the lake and Im like, jump in the lake but you just keep staying on the dock. What? PETER Ill jump in the lake.

SARAH I know you would, but it wouldnt be for the right reasons. PETER Why now? I told you, Ive finally figured out Draculas POV and you dump me. SARAH Nows the time while your lifes on the upswing. (then, back to super rehearsed) While this is hard for me, I understand that it might be even harder for you. If you want to not see each other for a while I completely and totally understand. PETER Whos the guy? Is there someone else? Someone from the movie? (MORE)

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PETER (CONTD) Please tell me its not Dax Shepard. SARAH No. Theres no one. I would never hurt you like that. Peter begins weeping and moving towards her. PETER If theres no other guy it doesnt have to be over, if theres no other guy it doesnt have to be over... SARAH (tearing up a little) Ive thought about this a lot, sweetie. PETER I havent seen you in so long, youve forgotten what we have and I forgive you for that. Just kiss me one last time and I swear youll remember. SARAH I dont know if thats good idea PETER Just please... Peter wipes tears and snot off his face and pulls Sarah towards him. He starts kissing her and desperately clutching her. Then he starts passionately rubbing up against her. We can tell shes not into it. PETER I love you baby. now? Do you remember

Peters getting more and more into it. SARAH (panicking) Theres someone else. Peter pulls away and stares at her for as long as Universal will allow. SARAH I should probably go.

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She leaves. INT. PETERS APARTMENT - LATER Peter sits on the couch with his younger brother BRIAN BRETTER (23). Three boxes of Camels sit in front of Peter, who smokes one as he drinks a fuzzy navel, clearly not his first. BRIAN Are you sure you dont want to eat something with that? Peter shrugs indifferently. Brian OPENS Peters fridge. Theres an old piece of moldy American cheese. Thats it. BRIAN (CONTD) Your place has gotten really disgusting. I had no idea American cheese could sustain mold. PETER Can we please focus on the fact that the love my life has just dumped me? Its going to be OK, right? BRIAN It will be. But youre the only one who can make it better. Clean yourself up. Youre like the walking dead. PETER BECAUSE IVE JUST BEEN DUMPED! BRIAN You were doing great before Sarah. Honestly, youve been on a downward spiral ever since you two met. PETER That is not true! BRIAN Right out of the gate you wrote a kick ass song for Graces, you hooked up with the star, you were on your way. Then she took off like a rocket and you sat on your ass in this creepy theme restaurant of an apartment. *

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PETER Ive been working on my Dracula musical. BRIAN For five and a half years? PETER Musicals are one of the most complicated art forms. Theres a story and songs and -(then) I dont understand why were even talking about this. BRIAN Because this is why Sarah dumped you. When I met Liz, she wouldnt date me. Not because she didnt think I was a handsome and intelligent man, but because I didnt have my life together. So I quit pot, I went premed, I started doing yoga and now were engaged. PETER Youre like a fucking child bride. BRIAN Easy now. Im not the one who made Sarah sleep with Dax Shepard. PETER (interrupting) Get the fuck out of here. Im serious. Right now. Get the hell out here. BRIAN Pete--PETER Get out Brian!! Brian takes Peters drink away, heads for the door. He begins to speak again. BRIAN When you sober up, Liz and I would love to have you over for a BBQ. PETER LEAVE!

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INT. PETERS BEDROOM - NIGHT Peter lays in the bed, only his head free from the cocoon of covers. He is sweating profusely, and breathing in a way that is best described as panting. THE PHONE RINGS. Peter glances at the caller ID, but does not answer. PETERS MOM (V.O.) (answering machine) Peter, its your Mother. Brians afraid youre going to kill yourself. I told him he was overreacting. But please call and let me know youre OK anyway. We love you. Peter closes his eyes, desperate for sleep. INT. PETERS LIVING ROOM - LATER Peter sits on his couch in the dark, wrapped in a blanket. He drinks wine with a straw from a giant box like its a juice box and watches PROJECT RUNWAY. HEIDI KLUM (ON TV) You had a lot of potential, but you just couldnt come through. Im sorry, youre out. Peter burst into tears. PETER Auf Wiedersehen. INT. KITCHEN - LATER Peter finishes preparing a beautiful steak sandwich. The oven clock reads 3:23 AM. He slices the sandwich and adorns the plate with some Kettle Chips. Satisfied, he stares down at his sandwich...and stares. Finally he reaches for it, but just lays his hand on to of it sadly. INT. PETERS BEDROOM - NEXT MORNING Peter wakes up and looks at the clock. 6:17 AM. PETER You can do this.

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INT. RECORDING STUDIO - MORNING Peter adjusts his guitar strap and removes his sunglasses, revealing haggard eyes. His MIXER (40s) speaks over the intercom. MIXER Late night? PETER Yeah. But Im good. What do we have today? MIXER Three lead-ins, an exit and a walk down the street. PETER Alright, lets go. The room goes dark and an image projects on a screen in front of Peter. It is silent footage of Sarah walking down the street. It lasts for EIGHT SECONDS, then cuts to black. PETER (CONTD) Okay, lets do this. The footage begins again, Sarah walking. Peter plays a VILLAINOUS SOUNDING diddy. MIXER Too dark Pete. Opening of the show. You alright? Peter takes a moment to consider. PETER Sarah and I decided to take some time apart. MIXER Oh my God man, Im sorry. PETER It was a mutual... MIXER Dude, go home. Ill finish up today. Its not like were composing a symphony here.

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PETER Im a professional.

I can do this.

MIXER Alright, we got one more thing to score. He flips on sitcommy footage of Sarah kissing some YOUNG HOT ACTOR like Freddie Prinze, Jr. The audience goes WHOOOO. CLOSE ON Peter. INT. THE CAT AND FIDDLE PUB - NIGHT Peter and Brian sit outside at a table drinking. Peter looks dressed for a date, Brian is far more casual. BRIAN You look good. I didnt know you owned a curduroy coat. (then) So, what am I doing here? PETER Youre going to be my wing man. BRIAN Oh, no. I cant do this. This is not what you need. Come over to my house, Liz and I will cook up some stir fry, well watch Lost... Peter sees two girls and winks at them. BRIAN (CONTD) That is just creepy. Dont do that look. PETER (through gritted teeth while smiling flirtatiously) I havent done this in six years Brian, Im terrified, so shut the fuck up. BRIAN Youre embarrassing yourself. me. The girls HEAD OVER to them. And *

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PETER Oh, am I? LESLIE This place is so crowded. these seats taken? Are

PETER Not at all. Please, sit down. Im Peter, this is my little brother Brian. Brian waves, annoyed. LESLIE Im Leslie. This is Ann. Peter stands up to pull out a chair. ANN (as if a compliment) Youre gigantic. PETER Thanks. So what can I get you ladies to drink? LESLIE Amstel light. ANN Vodka sour. BRIAN Seltzer waters fine. EXT. CAT AND FIDDLE - LATER Brian and Leslie are singing the Graces is Aces theme song. Peter looks really embarrassed and very drunk. LESLIE So, Brian, what do you do? BRIAN Im engaged. Oh. LESLIE How about you, Peter?

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BRIAN Give you a hint. He wrote a song. (singing) When you need a time-out just to... PETER (embarrassed) Stop it Brian. BRIAN Just to catch your breath. PETER Stop. Leslie joins in for the chorus. LESLIE AND BRIAN So many people in the world! ANN Hey! Thats the theme from that show. BRIAN Grace is Aces. Thats my boy right here. ANN You wrote that? That was on a True Love Sampler CD I got at The Coffee Bean. I didnt even realize it was a whole song. PETER Yeah. Yeah it is. CBS cut it down to eight seconds. ANN Thats so cool. PETER Im glad you think so. It makes me want to kill myself. ANN Oh. BRIAN My brother doesnt just sit on his ass and collect royalties. Hes also been working on a rock musical for six years.

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LESLIE Oh wow! Whats your musical about? PETER Dracula. Peter downs his glass. PETER (CONTD) I think I should get going. Peter stumbles to his feet to leave, rather abruptly. BRIAN Are you sure you can drive? PETER Yes little brother, Im sure. EXT. CAT AND FIDDLE Peter gets on his SCOOTER. He starts off but loses his balance. He and scooter tip over onto the sidewalk. Peters too drunk and tired to lift himself up. ANN Need some help there? PETER (oddly coy) Maybe. ANN Cmon. lets get you home. Ann helps Peter and his scooter up off the ground. INT. PETERS BEDROOM - AFTER Post-sex, Peter and Ann lay beside each other awkwardly. PETER (numb) Wow. So I guess its really over now. ANN We can do it again if you want? *

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PETER No. Its just...shell never take me back now. Peter begins to cry. Ann looks at him awkwardly. PETER (CONTD) (crying) Im sorry. I just ended a relationship and I thought if I had sex with you Id feel better. ANN Are you crying? PETER (weepy) Im sorry. Im just clearly not ready yet. Youre a lovely girl, but its not safe for you to fall in love with me. Im not someone you want to be with. ANN Thats okay. I have a boyfriend. INT. DOCTORS OFFICE C.U.: Peter SCRUTINIZES HIS LIPS A GRANDFATHERLY DOCTOR enters. Peter quickly sits back down. DR. ROSENBAUM Hello Peter, great to see you again. What can I do for you? PETER Well. I guess its a long story. Ummm. I just got out of a five and a half year relationship. So, last night, like an idiot, I slept with somebody I dont know at all. She claims she has a boyfriend, but theres really no telling how many people shes been with, possibly thousands. So... do you think you could take a look at me? DR. ROSENBAUM (comforting) Of course. (MORE) *

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DR. ROSENBAUM (CONTD) But I do have to tell you, this isnt really what I deal with on a day to day basis. PETER But youre my doctor. DR. ROSENBAUM Im a pediatrician Peter. PETER I appreciate that, but I woke up feeling like, some pressure on my lip. DR. ROSENBAUM (understanding) Okay. Lets take a look. Dr. Rosenbaum gives Peters lips a good look over. DR. ROSENBAUM (CONTD) Where do you feel this pressure? PETER Pretty much my whole lip area. you see anything? Do

DR. ROSENBAUM Everything looks fine. Youre good to go. Have fun. PETER Thanks, but no thanks. being irresponsible. INT. BEDROOM - LATER Peter and the woman are having sex. Both are enjoying themselves. As she gets closer, the woman leans up to his ear and whispers. NAME GIRL Say my name. Peter smiles, begins to speak, but hesitates. NAME GIRL (CONTD) Say my name...please. Peters brow furrows. I am done

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PETER (barely audible) ...baby... NAME GIRL My name... Peter mumbles something. NAME GIRL (CONTD) What? She abruptly stops. NAME GIRL You dont know my name do you. PETER What!? Of course I know your name. NAME GIRL Then what is it? PETER Darlene. NAME GIRL You fuck. PETER What? I bet you dont remember my name! NAME GIRL Peter. PETER Ha. Wrong! Its Joel. NAME GIRL Ohmigosh, Im so sorry. PETER Its OK. Its bound to happen. Joels not the most memorable name around. NAME GIRL I feel like such a hypocrite. PETER Its OK.

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The girl and Peter start kissing again. kissing.

Peter guiltily stops

PETER (CONTD) You were right. My names Peter. I just lied to cover up the fact that I didnt remember your name. NAME GIRL What is wrong with you? PETER Im sorry. The girl leaves. INT. BAR - NIGHT Peter, well drunk, and an equally DRUNK GIRL do shots. INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Peter has sloppy sex with the Drunk Girl. PETER That was lovely. DRUNK GIRL Uh huh. PETER (sexily) See you in a sec. Peter GETS OUT OF BED, WALKS INTO THE BATHROOM and THROWS UP for a very long time. INT. BEDROOM - 2 NIGHTS LATER Peter is having sex with a different girl. She looks up at him sweetly. HI GIRL Hi. PETER Hi. He continues moving for a few seconds. She touches his face. They finish. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

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HI GIRL Hi. PETER Hi. He continues. She looks him deep in his eyes. HI GIRL Hi. Peter stops. PETER Can you please stop saying that? She doesnt say anything. They recommence lovemaking.

HI GIRL (against her will) Hi. (then) It just comes out. sorry. PETER Thats fine. They continue to make love. HI GIRL Hi. PETER Hi. HI GIRL Hi. PETER I cant do this. HI GIRL Yeah, me neither. INT. DOCTORS OFFICE A nurse draws Peters blood. In the background, a KID runs by closely followed by the KIDS MOM and the PEDIATRICIAN whos holding a syringe. Im really

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EXT. SANTA MONICA MOUNTAINS - DAY Brian and Peter are mid-hike. PETER Honest to God, enough is enough. You were right. No more meaningless sex. INT. BEDROOM NIGHT - 2 DAYS LATER Peter is in bed with a model. She just looks at him with total apathy. She does not move at all. PETER Do you like what Im doing? MODEL Yeah. He continues, she does not change expression. PETER Are you sure? MODEL (blankly) I love it. INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT A different girl. She is on top. POTTYMOUTH Cmon you fuckin pussy. Fuck me. Whats the matter, you dont like girls you faggot. Cmon. Fucker. INT. DOCTORS OFFICE WAITING ROOM - DAY Peter is the only adult without a child in the pediatricians waiting room. He reads HIGHLIGHTS. INT. DOCTORS OFFICE - DAY Dr. Rosenbaum enters the room looking quite serious. Peter looks up at him nervously.

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DR. ROSENBAUM Peter. I think we need to talk. Peters eyes grow wide and panic sets in. PETER Oh no. Oh my God. DR. ROSENBAUM (getting angry, dropping the grandfatherly shtick) Your tests came back negative! Not that that matters since it takes at least six weeks for any virus to appear in the bloodstream. Youre wasting my time and youre driving yourself crazy! Its not healthy. Also, your insurance doesnt cover any more blood tests for this year. PETER (humiliated) I know. God, I know. I just...Im not used to this Doc. DR. ROSENBAUM Go away for a week and get your head together. PETER Where would I go? DR. ROSENBAUM Im not a fucking travel agent. PETER I cant afford it. DR. ROSENBAUM (pouty, making fun of him) I cant afford it. (then) Yes, you can. Your song is everywhere. I cant get it out of my fucking head. PETER The checks come when they come. Its not as much as youd think.

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DR. ROSENBAUM Why am I discussing this with you? Then see a psychiatrist. I dont care. PETER You know what? Last summer Sarah and I played in this couples basketball tournament. We lost to Snoop Dog and Dr. Dre, but we got a gift certificate for a free trip to Hawaii. DR. ROSENBAUM I dont give a shit. (then) You want a lolly? PETER I dont think so -Great. here. DR. ROSENBAUM Then get the fuck out of

Dr. Rosenbaum holds his hand up and walks out. INT. PETERS APARTMENT - LATER Peters on the phone holding a gift certificate and brochure. PETER (into phone) Hi. Im calling to redeem a voucher I got last year - for a week in Hawaii. Sure. 60792. Peter Bretter. Oh, it might be under Marshall, Sarah Marshall. Yes, she is delightful. Ummm, no, Ill be traveling alone. No actually, were not together any longer. Nontransferable? But...I mean, it was a couples tournament, I played as well. I actually scored most of the points. Yes I see. Thats fine. Thank you. Peter hands up, frustrated. He looks long and hard at the Hawaiian Brochure. It looks like paradise.

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PETER (CONTD) (to himself, resolute) You know what? Fuck this. INT. TIFFANYS JEWELRY - DAY Peter stands at the counter debating with a nicely quaffed saleswoman. He holds an engagement ring. PETER What do you mean you wont take it back? She left me. What am I supposed to do with it? Its unused. SALESWOMAN Im sorry sir. Thats last years cut. PETER What does that mean? diamond was forever. I thought a

SALESWOMAN Please dont raise your voice sir. He looks her up and down, then looks at the security guard, who is not paying attention. PETER (whispering) I will raise my voice if I goddamn well please. Because you are not the boss of me! Peter leaves. EXT. PAWN SHOP - LATER Peter walks out of a pawn shop with a wad of cash. INT. LAX - THAT NIGHT Peter wears a GARISH HAWAIIAN SHIRT and shorts as he sits and waits in the packed terminal with a single duffel bag. PETER (on cell phone) I got five thousand dollars.

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BRIAN (V.O.) How much did you pay for it? PETER Twenty two thousand. But I just dont care anymore. Its last years cut. BRIAN (V.O.) You sure you dont want me to come with you? Say the word and Ill be there in a second. PETER No, I think this is something I have to do alone. BRIAN (V.O.) Fair enough. Go out there, relax, meditate, keep it clean. PETER Thats exactly right, bro. Im keeping it clean. No Island sex. Thats the whole point, I need to get my shit together. Hawaii is a sex free zone. Im retaking my oath as a gentleman. INT. AIRPLANE - LATER Peter sits squeezed in the middle seat of the packed flight, watching a rerun of Seinfeld on the monitor. As the studio audience laughs, Peter does not laugh. A Flight attendant comes by, and Peter holds up his empty plastic cup. He speaks too loud because of his headphones and inebriation. PETER Ill take another Mai-Tai please. FLIGHT ATTENDANT (whispering) Thatll be six dollars. Peter struggles to access his pocket in the cramped quarters. After checking each pocket, he finally produces a wad of cash. The Flight attendant takes his empty cup and heads down the aisle. Seinfeld comes to an end and Peter sits back and closes his eyes. THEN HE HEARS IT THROUGH THE HEADPHONES:

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PETERS VOICE (singing) When you need a time-out just to catch your breath... Peter opens watches the VARIOUS FUN of Chicago. his eyes. GRACE IS ACES is being rerun. He opening credits: A MONTAGE OF SARAH MARSHALL IN SCENARIOS THROUGHOUT CHICAGO. A Cubs Game. Taste Laughing through a wind storm.

The flight attendant returns with the drink. Peter immediately produces a ten dollar bill and hands it to her. He points at the SLEEPING WOMAN NEXT TO HIM. PETER She wanted one too. He takes his Mai-Tai and drinks. EXT. KAHULUI AIRPORT - MAUI - ESTABLISHING Peters airplane touches down in Maui. EXT. WAIKIKI EMBASSADOR HOTEL - NIGHT This is one of the most breathtaking hotels in the world. The cab drives down a huge entrance lined with burning tiki torches. INT. WAIKIKI EMBASSADOR HOTEL - MOMENTS LATER Peter makes his way through the lavish lobby. Soft Hawaiian music plays in the background. Its gorgeous. ANGLE ON: A beautiful young woman whos name well learn is RACHEL checking in a couple as Peter waits. RACHEL Aloha and welcome to the Waikiki Embassador. Please enjoy a complimentary lei and POG juice. Peter smiles as Rachel puts leis over the couples heads. RACHEL (CONTD) Just married? NEWLYWED Howd you guess? *

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RACHEL You got that magic newlywed fairy dust all over you. Peter turns away, startled to be tearing up. him forward RACHEL (CONTD) How can I help you. Sir? PETER (composing himself) My names Bretter, Peter Bretter. Im checking in, but I dont have a reservation. RACHEL I think were all sold out, but let me check. She calls back to MICHAEL, her manager, who is in the office. RACHEL (CONTD) Michael? Do we have any rooms available? Michael pops his head out. MICHAEL I dont know. You should probably check the computer Rachel. She turns her back to Peter and FLIPS MICHAEL OFF, then begins checking the computer. RACHEL How long did you want to stay? PETER I dont know. It depends I guess. RACHEL Thats a brave way to travel. PETER Either brave or stupid. If you have a room its brave. If I end up sleeping on Kahalui Highway it may have been stupid. Peter nervously laughs. Rachel doesnt. * Rachel waves *

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RACHEL Unfortunately the only room we have available is the Kapua suite. Its available for four nights. PETER And how much is that? RACHEL Six Thousand a night. PETER Wow. I see. Yeah. Might be a little out of my price range. Sorry. RACHEL Dont be. Its a lot out of mine. PETER Its too bad. I was hoping for a complimentary lei and POG juice. RACHEL Those are only for the newlyweds. PETER Well, you have a beautiful hotel -Peter gestures toward the opulent surroundings. The water, the view, and SARAH MARSHALL. SHE GLIDES THROUGH THE LOBBY BEAUTIFUL AS EVER, HAIR STILL WET, IN A BIKINI TOP AND WRAPPED IN A TOWEL. SHE HOLDS THE HAND OF HER NEW BOYFRIEND. This is WILLIAM PENLY (28), the best looking man on the planet Earth, also still wet, shirtless, wrapped in a towel. Peter stares wordless, stunned, mortified. Rachel notices. RACHEL Yeah. Thats Sarah Marshall from Grace is Aces. She checked in yesterday. Peter can barely speak. He does not break his stare. PETER Shes my old girlfriend. up three weeks ago. We broke

SARAH LOOKS OVER FROM THE LOBBY. SHE LOCKS EYES WITH PETER. She smiles a curious/terrified smile and begins to approach.

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PETER (CONTD) Oh, God. Theyre coming over here. (deep breath) I can handle this, right? RACHEL Well...I dont know you sir. PETER I wish I wasnt wearing this shirt. RACHEL Fair enough. PETER This is a living nightmare. Peter looks at her like a helpless animal. RACHEL (quickly) Undo that button. He does. She takes another look. RACHEL (CONTD) Maybe not, maybe not. But Sarah has arrived. It is instantly incredibly awkward. I

* *

SARAH Well...this is a coincidence. hope.

Long beat. Finally, Sarah begins to laugh uncomfortably. SARAH (CONTD) Please tell me this is a coincidence. PETER No, I actually came to show you my shirt. Behind the desk, Rachel subtly winces. Sarah smiles. SARAH Seriously though, what are you doing here? *

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PETER I dont know. Ive felt like there was an alien trying to burst through my chest for the past three weeks, so I thought Id get out of town. SARAH I know what you mean. William and I are here because we used that coupon that I earned. How was your flight? PETER I dont know. It was a flight. ate peanuts. I * *

An awkward pause. Peter finds the strength to look at William and extend his hand. William reaches out to shake. ANGLE ON: Peters POV. A series of EXTREMELY TIGHT close ups of Williams muscles flexing with the extension of his arm. PETER (CONTD) Hello. Im Peter. William shakes with a friendly smile. He speaks with a slight accent. WILLIAM William. Its nice to meet you. Are you staying here as well? PETER Actually, William, it doesnt look like... RACHEL (interrupting) I was able to book that room for you sir, four nights. PETER You were? RACHEL Yes sir, the Kapua Suite. Peter looks at her, confused, but she offers back a confident nod. Peter goes along with it. *

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PETER Excellent. And you say thats one of the nicer suites, yes? Rachel is mildly amused at his posturing. RACHEL Yes Mr. Bretter. I think youll find it acceptable. PETER Marvelous. (to William) I am staying here as a matter of fact. Just a quick five-day trip. WILLIAM Great. Well if youd like to have dinner with us one of the nights... SARAH (interrupting) William!? WILLIAM What? SARAH He doesnt want that. PETER No. No. Thats very gentlemanly of you, William. But you two should enjoy your vacation. Ill be just fine on my own. (to Sarah) Good to see you, Sarah. SARAH Thanks Pete. Have a good trip. She touches his arm, and then walks away, William in hand. When she is out of sight, Peter nearly collapses. RACHEL You okay? PETER (very faint) Im fine, Im fine. Look, thanks for bailing me out, but I still cant afford the room.

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RACHEL No one can. Its just for people like Elton John or the kids from that 70s show. I dont think anyones gonna be popping in to stay there in the next four days. You can use the room, you just cant let anyone know. PETER (distracted) Wow. OK, sounds good. RACHEL You need a key card to activate the electricity. PETER Great. RACHEL But I cant give you one. Itll register with the system. Im giving you a janitors key instead. No room service, no phone and youll have to clean up after yourself. PETER Why are you doing this? RACHEL Shes here with a guy already? Thats fucked up. PETER (in agreement) Right? Rachel hands him a key. RACHEL Have a good stay. PETER Thank you. So much. (checking her name tag) Rachel Jansen. Thank You.

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EXT. WAIKIKI EMBASSADOR HOTEL - DAY Peters on the phone with Brian. TRACK HIS ATTITUDE. BRIAN IS BOTH PROTECTIVE OF HIS BROTHER. SHES SUCH A BITCH. SHES NOT COOL, BUT WHATS THE MATTER WITH YOU. KNOW IT ALL GUY. JUST BECAUSE YOURE ENGAGED AT 21. YOU GOT LUCKY. IM A RESPONSIBLE. PETER Shes fucking here! With some fucking Calvin Klein bullshit trash! BRIAN That is a nightmare. PETER I cant believe she would cash in that free travel voucher. She never uses any of that free shit -do you know how many unused Razr phones she has in her closet? She makes bank. Why the fuck does she need a free week in Hawaii? BRIAN I dont know, its hard to turn down a free trip. But what you have got to concentrate on is getting control of yourself. PETER Whos side are you on? BRIAN She is not cool. Theres no doubt about that. But you have got to get control of yourself. PETER Are you kidding me? My exgirlfriend of five years is here! With her new boyfriend! BRIAN Why dont we think of solutions? Arent there any other hotels on the island? PETER She saw me check in. If I left it would be like I was running away. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

* *

33.

BRIAN Thats totally insane. (speaking to Liz) Whats that babe...oh, wait. Liz says, you have no choice. If you leave, shes in the power position. If shes uncomfortable, she should be the one to leave. (then, back to Liz) I dont know, I think he can leave if he wants to. Hello? PETER Can you talk to me please?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

BRIAN I can if you start thinking rationally. PETER Liz is right. I am fucked. Fuckety fuck fuck. BRIAN If you want me down there, I will come. PETER Thanks, bro. Fuck! Peter hangs up. He sees the valet looking at him oddly.

PETER (CONTD) Your hotel is really beautiful. INT. ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS William and Sarah ride alone in the elevator. SARAH How is he here? This is a nightmare! WILLIAM Well, that was certainly unexpected. SARAH Will you please stop talking like that!!

* *

34.

WILLIAM Im never going to play an American if I dont work on my accent. SARAH Just not now. Please. William concedes and speaks in his natural British accent. WILLIAM If you want to switch hotels, thats fine with me. SARAH If we go, thatll make it even weirder. This is such a nightmare. (then) Why on earth would you invite him to dinner? Its ridiculous!! Its crazy! WILLIAM Really? I think it would have been more awkward not to ask. SARAH Are you kidding me? What is wrong with you!?! WILLIAM I dont know, were all adults. I certainly wasnt trying to make things any more uncomfortable. SARAH William, its been three weeks...I mean, its been emotionally over for a long time, but we need to physically not see each other for a long, long time. WILLIAM I understand. (with a smile) I just figured I took this perfect woman from him, I should at least buy the guy dinner. SARAH (fake annoyance) OK, very charming. * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

35.

INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS Peter heads down a long hallway looking for his room. Finally he reaches the last door. He double checks the room number, then inserts his key. INT. KAPUA SUITE - CONTINUOUS Peter walks into the incredibly dark KAPUA SUITE. He tries to move around, but almost instantly knocks into something. We hear him shuffle about, then another large THUNK. PETER Ah! Fuck!

* * *

INT. GIFT SHOP - MOMENTS LATER Peter POINTS to a group of candles. PETER Tell me about these. CANDLE SALESWOMAN These are from the Kona Candle Company. Island Breeze. Each one is hand-dipped. PETER Do they shed a lot of light? CANDLE SALESWOMAN I dont know. PETER Ill take thirty of them please. EXT. WAIKIKI EMBASSADOR HOTEL GROUNDS - NIGHT Now in a wrinkled white linen Banana Republic outfit, Peter strolls through the hotels lush grounds and approaches one of the restaurants - Humuhumunukunukuapuaa. It is an intimate candle lit barge floating on a salt water lagoon. The Maitre D approaches Peter. PETER Id like a table for dinner please. * * * * * * * * *

36.

MAITRE D Wonderful, and will your wife be joining you? PETER No. MAITRE D Your girlfriend? Peters lip starts to quiver. He shakes his head no. Clearly a romantic spot, the Maitre D cant hide his pity. MAITRE D (CONTD) I see. Right this way. He leads Peter through the small restaurant to a table in the back...RIGHT NEXT TO SARAH AND WILLIAM. Peter gives them a small smile, tries to play it nonchalant, and takes a seat. MAITRE D (CONTD) Enjoy your dinner sir. PETER Could I get a Mai-Tai please? With a rum floater. MAITRE D Ill tell your waitress. He leaves Peter alone, feet away from his worst nightmare. Peter takes a piece of bread and tries to seem comfortable. ANGLE ON: Sarah and William try to continue their dinner. Sarah makes a special effort not to look at Peter. SARAH (forced) Do you want to take the road to Koolau? I hear it is lovely. WILLIAM Im asking him to join us. SARAH Do not ask him. For me, do not ask him. WILLIAM You must trust me. This is an area within which I have a fair amount of expertise.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

37.

SARAH We can take the road to Koolau. maybe get a couples massage?

Or

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

WILLIAM (calling out) Peter? Would you like to join us? Peter looks over from his table. PETER No, you two-WILLIAM Nonsense. Please. Join us. Peter considers. Hesitant, he rises and walks over. Sarah gives William an angry glare. As Peter arrives she forces a smile. WILLIAM (CONTD) I know that this isnt the most comfortable situation for any of us, but I just thought since were both here trying to enjoy our vacations, we should address this sooner than later. PETER Why are you talking like that? WILLIAM Like what? PETER In that weird British accent? WILLIAM No. Ha. No, this is my real accent. When I first met you I was working on my American. PETER I knew I sensed something off when we first met. I thought it was because youre sleeping with Sarah, but it must have been the accent. Awkward beat. Peter does not sit. PETER (CONTD) So you and Sarah were in the movie together?

38.

WILLIAM Oh, no, Im not in it. SARAH Hes the writer. WILLIAM Did some acting back in Jolly Old. I also run a few clubs and DJ some. You know. A bit of this, a bit of that. PETER (feigning knowledge and interest) Cool. What clubs? Sarah looks at Peter like what the fuck? PETER (CONTD) I like going clubbing. WILLIAM Mainly in London. You know Canvas? (off Peters non-reaction) Filthy Dukes, Gucci Sound System, Young Turks? All those guys from Ministry of Sound. Right. PETER Totally.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

WILLIAM Youre a musician I hear. PETER Everything I writes for shit. SARAH Peter. PETER Sarah. Peter motions to the waitress who has brough a Mai-Tai. PETER (CONTD) I think thats mine. She brings the drink over. Peter DOWNS the drink and turns it over on the table like a giant shot glass.

39.

PETER (CONTD) (to William) Seriously, though. Thanks for trying. It was very mature of you and I appreciate it. INT. KAPUA SUITE - LATER NOW CANDLELIT, this is the nicest room you have ever seen. A BABY GRAND PIANO, a PLASMA TELEVISION, and more space then anyone would know what to do with, all facing the ocean. REVEAL Peter, amidst a pile of empty minibar bottles, SOBBING. It continues for some time. THE PHONE RINGS. RACHEL (O.S.) Peter? PETER Sarah? RACHEL (O.S.) No, its Rachel. Jansen. front desk. PETER (flirty) Oh. Heyyy. RACHEL (O.S.) Whats going on up there? Were getting complaints about a woman crying hysterically. PETER Oh. Sorry. That was just...Ill keep it down. RACHEL (O.S.) (knowing) Are you okay? PETER Im fine. Im sorry. Ill be quiet. Peter hangs up the phone. He takes a deep breath. Then he breaks down again, this time crying in DEEP SILENT HEAVES. From the

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

40.

INT. KAPUA SUITE - MORNING Peter wakes up, still dressed and in the fetal position on the floor. THE SUN BLAZES THROUGH THE WINDOWS. He checks out the clock: 7:15 AM. He picks himself up. INT. WAIKIKI EMBASSADOR HOTEL - LATER Peter walks through the lobby which is filled with people - A family eating breakfast, a couple in bathing suits heading for the beach, a father putting water wings on his pudgy son. Another couple sharing a smoothie. AN OVERLOAD OF FAMILIES AND COUPLES EVERYWHERE. A CACOPHONY AND FAMILY AND COUPLY SOUNDS. He spots a breakfast restaurant which overlooks the water and approaches. HOSTESS Are you by yourself today sir? PETER I am. The patio would be nice please. HOSTESS Im sorry sir, the patio is reserved for parties of two or more. INT. BREAKFAST BUFFET - MOMENTS LATER Peter has been seated literally right next to the Pancake and Waffle station. CHILDREN loudly wait in line. The hiss of whipped cream being dispensed is maddening. Peter SIPS FROM A LARGE, CLEARLY ALCOHOLIC DRINK. A YOUNG COUPLE who wait in line gingerly approach. PHOTO MAN Hi, Im sorry to bother you, but would you mind taking a picture of me and my wife. (back, to his wife) Sounds awfully nice huh baby, my wife. PHOTO WOMAN Sure does my husband. I love you my husband. PHOTO MAN Love you my wife. * * * * *

41.

PETER Sure, of course. Just there, in line? PHOTO MAN Please. They pose in line holding their plates as the waffle attendant begins to spray their waffles with whipped cream. Peter FUMBLES WITH THE CAMERA AS THE PILE OF WHIPPED CREAM ON PHOTO MANS PLATE GROWS MOUNTAINOUS. PETER I think Ive got it now. PHOTO MAN (growing frustrated) Take the picture! PHOTO WOMAN You know, we dont really need a picture of this -PHOTO MAN (patiently explaining) You dont know what pictures are good until youve taken them all -He takes it and hands back the camera. Photo Man uses his fork to place a huge dollop of Whipped Cream on his wifes plate. The photo man snaps a picture of Peter. PHOTO MAN (CONTD) Whats your email. Ill send it to you. PETER Thats alright. Cmon. PHOTO MAN What is it. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Have a great * * *

PETER Spookypete@aol. PHOTO MAN Alrighty, spookypete. rest of your day.

42.

INT. FRONT DESK - LATER Peter wanders through the lobby. He spots Rachel at the front desk and approaches. PETER Hey. I just wanted to thank you again. And whenever you need me out, just let me know. RACHEL I actually checked this morning, youre good for a couple days, and I think a room should open up if you decide to stay. How are you doing? Any better? PETER Good. Just trying to figure out what to do with myself. Everything is sort of couply here. RACHEL Well, it is Hawaii. Do you surf? PETER I appreciate that, but no. Ive always thought I had a surfers body though. RACHEL Great... well, if you want, you could take a surf lesson. Jacks out by the beach, hes a good teacher. EXT. OCEAN - LATER Peter lays on his board in the completely flat water. Jack bobs beside him. He is pudgy, grungy, Caucasian but wildly tan. The kind of ageless man between thirty and fifty. JACK That really sucks dude. PETER Yep. It was pretty bad. JACK Thats the difference between us and them. Men are like this...

43.

He moves his hand in a straight and steady motion. JACK (CONTD) Women are like this... He moves his hand in a wild and erratic zig-zag. PETER Thats for sure. JACK Paddle, padddle, paddle, paddle, paddle... Peter paddles furiously as a tiny ripple passes through, taking him nowhere. The conversation continues. JACK (CONTD) I was married for twelve years. One day she told me she didnt love me anymore. I told her that was cool, we didnt have to get divorced; but she did anyway. PETER Oh. Im sorry. JACK Its alright. She still lives with me. In my experience, the right thing always happens bro. PADDLE, paddle, paddle, paddle... Peter paddles furiously for another tiny ripple. Jack gives him an extra shove which pushes the board at most six inches further. JACK (CONTD) Good one! I think thats good for today. Thatll be sixty-five dollars. INT. KAPUA SUITE SHOWER - LATER Peter sits on a seat in the candle lit shower letting the water pour down on him. After a moment, he examines the THREE BOTTLES next to him on the seat. PETER Hello Avena Coconut Bath Gel. * * *

44.

He pours a dollop onto his hand, which he lowers below frame. He closes his eyes. When he opens them again, SARAH stands before him, nude in the shower. She gives him a seductive smile and lowers out of frame. After a moment, fantasy Sarah rises to whisper something close into Peters ear. He closes his eyes. SARAH Youll never be with me again. Peter opens his eyes to find that now both Sarah and William are nude in the shower with him. Sarah washes William. WILLIAM Be sure and get all of my contours. I like my contours nice and clean. Peter watches for a moment in disbelief, then begins smacking himself in the head. PETER Get out of my brain!! Let me be!! Lathered bath gel splatters errantly like Hitchcocks Psycho. INT. KAPUA SUITE - LATER Peter rants on his cell phone to Brian. PETER So not only have she and fucking Oscar Wilde Brad Pitt Tony Blair Mcgee completely ruined my vacation, I cant even masturbate anymore! BRIAN Why are you so focused on sex? PETER You get sex everyday. Youve forgotten what its like to have the tap suddenly shut off. Just because you were lucky and found the right girl at twenty-one -BRIAN Its not luck. Theres no such thing as luck. I just became a responsible adult. Why dont you do something cleansing for your body, like yoga? * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

45.

Yoga?

PETER I hate yoga.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

BRIAN You cant hate something youve never tried. PETER I dont know. Theres a girl at the desk I could ask out. BRIAN And have yet another empty fling? Trust me. Yoga will clear your head. Do you need me to come out there? Would that help? Ill come out there. PETER Maybe... if you want to. would be nice. That

BRIAN I cant come out there. I have MCATs in a month. But if you really need me. I will. INT. YOGA STUDIO - DAY The yoga studio has a beautiful view of the beach and ocean. Peter, bleary-eyed, walks into the studio, drink in hand. The passive-aggressive, incredibly fit, FEMALE YOGA INSTRUCTOR comes up to Peter. FEMALE YOGA INSTRUCTOR No alcohol in the studio. PETER (baldly lying) Yeah, I know. This is just coconut juice. Peter DOWNS the rest of the drink. PUTS on music. The Instructor CLAPS and

FEMALE YOGA INSTRUCTOR Alright, would everyone please grab a mat? Peter GRABS A MAT when in walks Sarah. with Peter. She makes eye contact

46.

SARAH I didnt know you did yoga. PETER Theres a lot you dont know about me. Wheres William? SARAH Hiking the volcano. PETER You let him go off alone? SARAH Of course. Hes very outdoorsy. INT. HOTEL ROOM - FLASHBACK Peters is putting on athletic clothes. SARAH Where are you going? PETER I was thinking of taking a tennis lesson. SARAH You cant leave. Lets have in room couple facials! PETER OK, cool. Peter immediately starts get back into his robe. BACK TO THE YOGA STUDIO FEMALE YOGA INSTRUCTOR Alright, Id like everyone to breathe deeply. Breathe in, breathe out. Lets start nice and easy with downward facing dog. Instantly EVERYONE SNAPS INTO DOWNWARD FACING DOG. tries to follow suit. FEMALE YOGA INSTRUCTOR (CONTD) Make sure to arch your back and keep it nice and flat. The instructor comes over to Peter and adjusts his position. Peter Sarahs in bed.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

47.

FEMALE YOGA INSTRUCTOR (CONTD) Lets loosen up here. PETER Im trying. FEMALE YOGA INSTRUCTOR Arch it and keep it flat. Peter tries to do what shes saying. No. FEMALE YOGA INSTRUCTOR (CONTD) More like this.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

She adjusts Peter some more. FEMALE YOGA INSTRUCTOR (CONTD) Try and listen. Arch it while keeping it nice and flat. PETER Those are opposing ideas. FEMALE YOGA INSTRUCTOR No they arent. (then) Warrior One! Everyone JUMPS UP into Warrior One. SARAH (whispering to Peter, trying to be helpful) Suck in air as you jump. PETER (whispering back) I know that. FEMALE YOGA INSTRUCTOR Warrior Two! Everyone JUMPS INTO Warrior Two. Peter tries to follow. Peter tries to follow.

FEMALE YOGA INSTRUCTOR (CONTD) (to Peter) When you breathe make sure to put your belly button against your spine. (Peters breathing hard) No, not like that. Belly button against your spine.

48.

PETER What does that even mean? FEMALE YOGA INSTRUCTOR Maybe you should just practice your breathing. PETER Ive been breathing for twenty-six years. I think I know what Im doing. FEMALE YOGA INSTRUCTOR (whispering to Peter) No need to become contentious. This is suppose to be a zone of peace and calm. (to the class) Were now doing handstand. (pointedly at Peter) For those who dont think they are up to it, feel free to rest your legs up against the wall. Everyone GETS INTO HANDSTANDS, including Sarah whos in a PERFECT HANDSTAND. Peter STRUGGLES TO GET his LEGS ABOVE HIS HEAD. PETER Its harder for me because I have more leg and body. Peter manages to get STRAIGHT UP. PETER (CONTD) (to himself, doused in sweat) Yes! FEMALE YOGA INSTRUCTOR And now, lets DROP DOWN to locust pose. Peter, in attempting to drop down, FALLS, knocking over SEVERAL WOMEN, including Sarah. Peter tries to regroup and help the women up as the instructor approaches angrily, picks up Peters Coconut shell and smells it. FEMALE YOGA INSTRUCTOR (CONTD) This is why there is no booze in the fucking yoga studio asshole!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

49.

Sarah looks at Peter annoyed. He rises to leave, and as he does he gives an awkward, apologetic martial arts bow. INT. FRONT DESK - LATER Peter approaches Rachel who works behind the desk with Michael, who is on the phone. PETER Hey there. RACHEL You find something to do? PETER Went surfing, per your recommendation. Found that I am a very good paddler. Amazing really. The standing doesnt really interest me that much. (she chuckles) Then did some yoga and accidentally kicked my ex-girlfriend in the face. RACHEL Nice work. So, what can I do for you? PETER I was actually wondering what you were doing later? RACHEL Im going to the barbecue. PETER Barbecue? RACHEL Its the 4th. We put on a big fireworks show and a cookout. Its fun. Would you like to go? PETER Yeah...yeah I would. That sounds great. RACHEL Great. Thatll be fifty dollars, but everything is included except alcoholic drinks.

* *

* * * * * * * * *

50.

She hands him a ticket. Peter, a bit confused, pulls some money from his pocket. PETER Ill see you there? RACHEL Ill be there. PETER Im looking forward to it. RACHEL Good. Peter smiles and heads off. EXT. WAIKIKI EMBASSADOR HOTEL - SUNSET Another beautiful sunset is underway as Peter follows a tiki torch lit path to the beach. He wears another slightly garish Hawaiian shirt. Ahead of thim, the Fourth of July BBQ is underway. Rachel greets him. RACHEL Glad you could make it Peter. PETER You look beautiful. RACHEL Thanks. So, Ill take your ticket. (Peter laughs) No, really. I need your ticket. He hands over his ticket. RACHEL (CONTD) The bar is over there. Appetizers are being served now, followed by a dinner featuring traditional Hawaiian fare, then fireworks. (Peter nods, confused) Have a great time. She tears his ticket and puts a bracelet around his wrist. A family approaches. RACHEL (CONTD) Hello Andersons. So glad you could make it. Ill be happy to take your tickets. (MORE) * * * * * *

51. RACHEL (CONTD) The bar is in the corner, a dinner featuring traditional Hawaiian fare will be served shortly, followed by a nice fireworks display.

Pete stands for a moment and watches her tear their tickets. RACHEL (CONTD) Can I help you with something else Peter? PETER No. Um... Ill just grab a drink. He walks into the BBQ, dismayed. Family after family. Couple after couple. On his way to the bar he passes Sarah and William. WILLIAM Hello sir. Hows it going? PETER Fine. Great. Hows your eye? SARAH Its fine. You actually missed it by a little bit, so thats good. PETER Cool. So hows the rest of your day been? WILLIAM Great. Hiked the Volcano. Real Nasty bugger. Came back for a quick dip in the Pacific, grabbed Sarah and took a drive around the Island. Had some fresh fish at a little stand at the side of the road. Peter looks at Sarah skeptically. PETER You ate fish from a stand at the side of the road? WILLIAM She was quite adventurous. PETER Are you serious? * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

52.

INT. CHINESE RESTAURANT - FLASHBACK Sarah and Peter at a Chinese restaurant. SARAH But no scallions. INT. MEXICAN RESTAURANT - FLASHBACK A mexican restaurant... SARAH Please, no sour cream. INT. SUSHI RESTAURANT - FLASHBACK A sushi place... SARAH Nothing raw please. Do you have chicken without the Japanese sauce? EXT. WAIKIKI EMBASSADOR HOTEL - NIGHT And were back... SARAH It was amazing. PETER Wow. Well, good for you guys. PHOTO COUPLE approaches. PHOTO MAN (to Sarah) I cannot believe this. Im sorry to bother you, but you are our absolute favorite. Would you mind terribly taking a picture with my new bride and I? SARAH No, not at all. PETER Ill take it. Its better if shes in the middle. * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

53.

William stands aside as Peter takes the picture. PHOTO WOMAN Thank you so much Ms. Marshall. You are a delight. SARAH Well thank you. Peter hands back the camera to Photo Man. PETER Well...I think Ill go grab a drink. Have a good night. WILLIAM Nice seeing you Peter. As he heads to the bar, he spots Jack sitting alone on the beach beyond the rows of tables. He heads over. PETER Hey man. JACK Aloha Petey. PETER How do you do live near your exwife? Just being near Sarah is making me insane. JACK Yeah, we actually live together still, but what are you gonna do? Sit it, Pete. Im just taking a fiver. Peter takes a seat on the ground next to him. Jack is smoking a big joint and drinking a beer. He hands Peter the joint. JACK (CONTD) Sarah Marshall. You were hitting some hot shit! On screen, shes like cute girl next door, but like, in person, BAM!! You know? Peter takes a hit of the joint. PETER Lets change the subject.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

* * *

* *

* * * * *

54.

JACK I actually gotta get back. Im helping prep the pig for the Luau tomorrow. PETER Shit. Youre the only person I know here. Maybe Ill just head back upstairs. JACK You wanna help me out in the back. Its pretty fun. PETER I do like to cook. SMASH CUT TO: EXT. WAIKIKI EMBASSADOR BACK GROUNDS - NIGHT CHAOS. THE WILD SCREAMING OF A PIG. Peter AND THREE LARGE SAMOANS HOLD DOWN A SQUEALING FIGHTING PIG. JACK STANDS THERE WITH KNIFE. JACK Are you holding him tight? PETER I cant do this! KEMO Just hold him! Jack moves in to make the fatal slice. and lets go. SAMOAN What the fuck? The pig bucks. Jack drops the knife. Peter LOSES HIS NERVE *

KEMO Dont shake hands with him. HOLD HIM!! Jack grabs the pig. JACK Pick up the knife!

55.

SAMOAN Pick up the goddamn knife! We cant have a bloody pig running through the hotel! Peter picks up the knife. PETER I cant do this! JACK It will be cathartic! PETER Ive seen Babe like fifteen times! JACK Were all part of the cycle of life! PETER IS HOLDING THE MACHETE CRYING HYSTERICALLY. KEMO DO IT!! WHILE THE BLESSING STILL ECHOES IN ITS EARS!! SEND HIM HOME!! PETER OH GOD!! IM SORRY!! IM SO SORRY!!!! AAAAHHHHHH!!!! He stabs furiously below frame as blood splatters his apron. EXT. BEACH - LATER Peter sits watching the fireworks display, clearly disturbed from the pig killing incident. Rachel approaches. RACHEL Hey, there. I heard you let go of a pig. PETER Yeah, well then I got the knife and I slaughtered it. Do you have a boyfriend? RACHEL No. Single.

56.

PETER Good. I mean... that surprises me. So, do you want to maybe go out tonight? RACHEL I have plans tonight. PETER Oh. Of course. Rachel considers. RACHEL Me and a bunch of the hotel staff are headed over to Lazy Joes. Youre welcome to come if youre interested. PETER Whats Lazy Joes? RACHEL Its a little dive bar. PETER Really? Cause you dont have to... RACHEL Dont make this weird. Do you wanna go or no? PETER Id love to. RACHEL Cool. Go put on some regular clothes and meet me out front. Peter laughs. Rachel isnt kidding.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

INT. LAZY JOES - LATER Peter sits at a table with Rachel in the beach shack dive bar. The Samoans who helped slaughter the pig are the band. PETER Its a steady gig working on the show. But Ive been a little short on inspiration. (hesitant, then:) (MORE)

57.

PETER (CONTD) So Ive been working on a rock opera. RACHEL Oh yeah? I didnt know they made those anymore. PETER Thats the thing. Remember the first time you saw Tommy? RACHEL I dont remember what that is. Whats your rock opera about? PETER Dracula. And eternal love. And I have this vision of doing it with both puppets and actors together. Or like, puppets with human eyes. I keep going back and forth on that. RACHEL Sounds weird. PETER (awkward) Yeah. So... what kind of music do you like? RACHEL I dont know. Whatevers on. These guys are good. PETER Yeah. RACHEL And whos that girl who dances... PETER Im not sure. Peter chuckles quietly. RACHEL What? PETER No, its just... I never got that. Not knowing what kind of music you like.

58.

RACHEL I dont know. People care about different things. Like how you dont care what clothes you wear. Okay, Im gonna grab us another round. PETER Oh no, please. Ill get it. RACHEL Its alright. Kemo sneaks me drinks for free. PETER You sure? You want me to hold your purse or anything? RACHEL You dont need to dote on me. Im not that girl. Do you always do that? EXT. MOVIE PREMIERE - FLASHBACK FLASHBULBS go off everywhere. Peter stands A few steps behind SARAH on the red carpet, holding her purse. PHOTOGRAPHERS SARAH! OVER HERE!! SARAH!! SMILE!! WHO MADE YOUR DRESS?!!! An agent comes over and kisses her on the lips. AGENT Good luck tonight Sarah. You look beautiful. SARAH Thank you so much. amazing job. Gucci did an * * * *

He sees Peter and extends his hand. AGENT Good to see you Ron. Peter shakes without correcting him. Sarah motions to Peter. He reaches into her purse, takes out some lipstick and hands it to her. Immediately a photographer SCREAMS at him. *

59.

PHOTOGRAPHER GET OFF THE RED CARPET SO WE CAN TAKE PICTURES OF THE CELEBRITIES!! INT. LAZY JOES - NIGHT And were back... PETER I guess so. Maybe. RACHEL Well stop it. Youre in Hawaii. Youve got to relax. She heads off. Peter finishes the last of his beer. He looks around the bar for a bathroom. INT. LAZY JOES BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER Peter stands at a urinal. He looks in fascination at the wall in front of him which is adorned with a large plexiglass covered bulletin board filled with polaroids of drunken female patrons flashing, and sticking out their tongues. He smiles, amused until his eye finds a picture which disturbs him. IT IS A POLAROID OF RACHEL FLASHING HER BREASTS. MICHAEL ENTERS and takes the urinal next to Peter. MICHAEL Shes a cutie, right? I hear she put you up in the Kapua Suite? PETER (a bit nervous) No. No she didnt. MICHAEL Yes she did, she just told me. PETER Are you trying to trick me, cause I dont want to get her in trouble. MICHAEL Awww. Youre sweet. No, we stow people up there all the time. Its always empty. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

60.

INT. LAZY JOES - MOMENTS LATER Peter returns to the table, Rachel is already back with the drinks. He sits and takes a drink. Rachel is standing with three slightly strung out Surfer dudes at the bar. Peter approaches. PETER Hello. RACHEL Peter, this is Walnut, Rico and Marc. They work at the hotel. PETER Nice to meet you all. They nod and sip their beers. WALNUT Were going fishing later, you guys want in? PETER Its already almost midnight. RICO Night fishing is when they least expect it. MARC Their guard is down. Peter looks to Rachel. RACHEL I think well pass tonight. See you guys later. She hands Peter a beer and leads him back to the table. PETER They seem nice. RACHEL Theyre meth heads. They go spear fishing every night at two in the morning. There used to be four of them. (Peter laughs) Im not kidding. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

61.

PETER Oh, man. Hey, did you know theres a picture of you flashing in the mens room? RACHEL Oh yeah. Kemo took it. I was so wasted. PETER Havent you asked him to take it down? RACHEL Obviously, but he says it will ruin the balance in the collage. Hey, I have a surprise for you. PETER Really? What? The band brings their song to an end and the lead singer speaks into the mic. LEAD SINGER For our next song, we have a special guest from the mainland. Singing a number from his Dracula Musical, please welcome Peter Quint. Scattered applause. Peter looks at Rachel and shakes his head, resigned. He heads to the stage and takes a seat behind the piano. PIANIST Be nice to her. Peter sits, but leans into the mic before he begins. PETER Really, I can sing something else. I think out of context...the Dracula voice might be... RACHEL (calling out) DRACULA MUSICAL!!!! She claps, and the crowd joins in.

62.

PETER (nervous) Alright. Peter begins playing the piano. Dracula voice. He signs in a strange *

PETER (CONTD) Its getting kind of hard to believe things are going to get better. But having you here now I see things are going to be brighter. Feeling you here now I know I just might make it through. Loving you this long has made me believe in forever. And with you these dreams Ive forgotten might some how come true... Just as the bar starts to get used to the weird song, the music takes a dark turn and Dracula seems to get angry. PETER (CONTD) And when Van Helsing comes calling I swear to the Lord I will slay him. Hed take you from me but I swear I wont let it be so. His blood will run down my face once he is decapitated. His head on my mantle is how I will let the World know...how much I love you. Peter and Rachel make eye contact. She smiles a smile we havent seen before. Their gaze lingers as MICHAEL has a seat at her table. They speak while Peter is singing. MICHAEL Weird song. But hes cute. RACHEL I dont know. Hes kinda weird. PETER Die! Die!!!!! (sadly) I cant. Die! Peter finishes. People clap kind of. Rachel gives him a standing ovation. Peter is touched that Rachel is clapping for his obviously strange performance. They share a smile.

63.

EXT. WAIKIKI - THREE AM Peter and Rachel take what should be a romantic walk through Waikiki. However, Waikiki at 3:00 am is not a romantic place. The street is peppered with drug dealers and prostitutes, many of whom are transvestites. Every few feet, Peter waves off being given a flyer for Strip Clubs. RACHEL So, yeah. I pretty much quit my life and moved out here for him. Mr. Perfect Surfer Stud. Thought Id pick up classes at University of Hawaii, but I was also working full time so... PETER So, what happened? RACHEL After about three weeks he told me he wasnt ready for a commitment. I moved out the next day, he left for the tour and thats that. PETER What an asshole. RACHEL He was just a boy. I can see that now. Though I would like very much to beat the shit out of him someday. Peter chuckles. They pass a STRIP CLUB. THE DOORMAN tries to coax them inside. STRIP CLUB BARKER You guys want a couples show? Anything you like. Private rooms. One of you, both of you, any combination you can think of. PETER No thank you. (to Rachel) You wanna go sit on the actual beach? RACHEL Sure.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

64.

EXT. BEACH - LATER Peter and Rachel sit on the beach and talk. PETER Dont you ever think about going back? RACHEL No. PETER Why not? I mean... you could still finish school. A transvestite and a man return from having sex. RACHEL I hated L.A. Besides, I think its better not to think about the future. Right now, I work at a hotel. There doesnt have to be a future in it. PETER Thats such a cool attitude. I wish I could be that mellow. RACHEL Stay here long enough and you will. RICO AND MARC EMERGE FROM THE OCEAN HOLDING HARPOONS AND CARRYING SEVERAL FISH EACH. THEY RUN UP THE SHORE TO RACHEL AND PETER. RICO FISH! We caught a shitload of fish. MARC Snuck up on them!! Caught em!! You guys want to have some fish with us? RACHEL Wheres Walnut? Long beat. RACHEL (CONTD) I think I should probably get home.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

65.

EXT. WAIKIKI EMBASSADOR HOTEL Rachel PULLS UP to drop Peter off. PETER You want to hang out tomorrow? RACHEL If I get a break, why not? PETER Cool. Peter waits to kiss her. RACHEL Well, are you getting out or not? Peter gets out. back. Rachel drives off with a wave. Peter waves

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

INT. KAPUA SUITE - NEXT MORNING Peter wakes in bed with a smile. Sun streams through the windows. He looks at the clock. 6:00 AM. INT. BREAKFAST BUFFET - LATER Peter eats his breakfast at a table that is RIGHT NEXT TO THE KITCHEN. We watch him as he eats, though every couple of seconds, our view is blocked by the swinging doors. EXT. BEACH - MOMENTS LATER Peter heads over to the surf shack where Jack is dealing with a young kid and his dad. He spots Peter. JACK Hey Bro-sepe. Whats up? PETER Wanted to see if you were available for a lesson, but looks like youre busy. JACK Wanna fool around on a kook-board? Its easy. * * * * * * * *

66.

EXT. BEACH - LATER Peter walks backwards in his fins to the shorebreak. He waits for the next whitewater, then clumsily flops onto the board. EXT. OCEAN - MOMENTS LATER Out of breath, Peter finally paddles up to the surfer who sits on his board waiting for the next set. It is WILLIAM, shirtless and fit. WILLIAM Hello there. PETER Jesus Christ. You surf too. WILLIAM No, never tried. Its easier than it looks though. Growing up I was a proper little skateboarder, so my balance is pretty good. PETER Well, good seeing you. Im just gonna paddle a little more, try to get some exercise. Peter begins paddling with purpose. Sadly, he is working against the current and does not move at all. WILLIAM I owe you an apology. For the other night at dinner. I totally overstepped my bounds. You need to move at your own pace, and Im sorry for trying to force the issue. Peter is momentarily taken aback by Williams compassion. PETER No prob. They bob for a moment in silence. WILLIAM Its just that when Brittany and I got divorced it was so amicable...I guess I just wish that good fortune upon everyone.

67.

PETER You were married? WILLIAM Oh yes. Seems like a lifetime ago now, but yes. Were the best of friends. I met her on my program in England, when I was twenty. She used to spin at Chocolate Sauce. PETER Wow. And what...what program was this? WILLIAM It was called Fancy Boys. Peter tries not to chuckle. WILLIAM (CONTD) Yes I know. Tough title. Believe me, I didnt audition for it. Got discovered in a coffee shop. One minute some older gentleman is asking me if I want to be an actor, the next Im all over the BBC playing Hows your Father with the Constables son. Funny how things go. Peter and William share a laugh, then silence. Finally: PETER (begrudgingly) I dont blame you for anything. WILLIAM Im glad. And for whatever its worth, I thought you guys had ended things before I ever... Peter tenses a bit. PETER Hadnt we? William gives Peter a look which conveys volumes. PETER (CONTD) (growing tense) Jesus man. I believe youre trying your best, but for a British dude you sure are low on tact. * *

* *

68.

A large wave is approaching. begins paddling to catch it.

William sees the wave and *

PETER (CONTD) (tentative) That wave looks a little big. Id be careful. WILLIAM It couldnt be worse than this conversation. I think Ill manage. William positions himself perfectly and is swept up by the wave. Nimble as a gazelle, he leaps to his feet. Peter watches with disdain as he rides towards the shore, a bronze Adonis. William turns back and gives Peter a smile which is not returned. Then...BANG! Williams board smashes into a rock, sending him crashing beneath the wave. Peter cant help but laugh. He waits for William to surface. And he waits. And waits. William does not emerge from the water. Instead, only the top of Williams board can be seen protruding vertically from the water, a sure sign he is trapped below. PETER Shit. Peter ditches his board and begins swimming for William. INT. UNDERWATER - CONTINUOUS Peter follows the boards leash down towards the reef and sees William, panicked and struggling, leg trapped in the reef. He reaches out a hand towards Peter, who grabs it and tries to pull him up. William does not budge, but lets out a silent scream of pain. After a furious effort, Williams leg breaks free from the reef and the two head for the surface. EXT. OCEAN - CONTINUOUS The pair emerge from the water. WILLIAM AAAHHHH!!! PETER Sorry. Can you paddle? WILLIAM I think so. The two head towards shore, William paddling, Peter swimming.

* * * * * * * *

69.

EXT. BEACH - MOMENTS LATER Peter helps the hobbling William to shore where Jack is giving the young kid pre-surf instruction. He runs over. JACK You alright there, brother? WILLIAM I can barely move my leg. JACK Well I can see why. He points at Williams leg, and we now see that a large CHUNK OF REEF is stuck in his leg, protruding through the skin. PETER (gagging) Oh my god! JACK You better pull that out. William tries, but even bending is excruciating. WILLIAM I cant do it. Peter turns to Jack. JACK (calm) Im not a doctor, legally. Besides, he could sue me and the hotel. (to Peter) You do it. PETER Im not good with...stuff like this. WILLIAM Please Peter, get it out of me. Peter winces and grabs the exposed coral. PETER Ready?

70.

WILLIAM Do it....AAHHHH! That hurts! PETER Its almost out. Peter is oddly enjoying pulling the coral out. JACK It looks like you should pull it the other way. PETER Oh, right. Peter pulls it in the other direction and wrenches out the rather large piece of coral as William screams in pain. They all look down at Williams leg, which actually seems okay. WILLIAM Thank God. It actually doesnt look too bad. Then, BLOOD POURS FROM THE WOUND. Peter turns white. PETER (weak) I dont feel so... AND HE FAINTS. INT. HOTEL ROOM - LATER Peter wakes up laying on a large bed and sees Sarah standing over him, concerned. As he slowly regains his consciousness, he smiles at her and glances to his side. There next to him lays William, leg bandaged and asleep. PETER (groggy) Whats going on? *

Is he OK?

* * * *

SARAH Hell be fine. They gave him some stitches and painkillers. You passed out. The doctor said you were dehydrated. Have you had any drinks today. PETER Only like twelve Mai Tais, but those have juice in them. (then) (MORE)

* *

71. PETER (CONT'D) Why am I talking to you? Your boyfriend just apologized to me for sleeping with you before we broke up.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

SARAH Oh, Christ. Im sorry. Just relax for a minute. You shouldnt be up and around... PETER I dont want you touching me. They share a long look and Sarahs chin starts to tremble. PETER (CONTD) What the fuck happened Sarah? I understand its over. I really do. I just would like to understand what I did to make you cheat... SARAH You didnt do anything Pete. You were great. PETER Not great enough to keep other dicks out of you. SARAH I will never stop caring about you. Though the conversation grows in intensity, both try not to wake William. PETER I know and well be friends forever etc. and so on. Can we please just cut the bullshit! You owe me that. SARAH Fine. Because Peter, it got hard to keep taking care of you when you stopped taking care of yourself. PETER Oh, cmon. SARAH For God sakes, you were drunk at the 10:00 am Yoga class!!!

72.

PETER Its been a rough little period. SARAH Youve stopped even trying to make things better. You drink, and you smoke, and you sit there alone in your apartment watching Rocky Horror Picture Show. PETER Its inspirational. SARAH Its fun one midnight every three years, anything more than that is fucking weird, Im sorry. Peter, there was one week when you were sweatpants every day. PETER I did not! INT. PETERS APARTMENT - FLASHBACK SIX QUICK SHOTS OF Peter LOUNGING ABOUT HIS HOUSE IN THE SAME SWEATPANTS, BUT DIFFERENT T-SHIRTS. ONE FINAL SHOT OF Peter IN ONLY BOXERS. INT. SARAH AND WILLIAMS ROOM - CONTINUOUS And were back... SARAH I want to have FUN Peter. We stopped having any fun. We were supportive of each other, and thats it. Someday Im going to be married and be a mother and my career will be over and I want to look back and think Damn, I had a good time. PETER Part of being in a relationship is for better or for worse. Youre supposed to be comfortable being there for me even if Im depressed for three or four years.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

73.

SARAH For better or for worse is MARRIAGE Peter. Get it? Im not doing for better or for worse in my twenties. Im looking for for better. PETER Well, great. You and your fun husband have a super duper fun life. Peter leaves. INT. WAIKIKI EMBASSADOR HOTEL - LATER Peter exits the elevator, perturbed and spots Rachel at the front desk. Rachel spots him and begins singing. RACHEL (doing his Dracula voice) And when I see Von Helsing I swear to the lord I will slay him. That shit gets stuck in your head man. PETER Look, I want to thank you for the room and everything, but I think Im gonna take off. RACHEL What are you talking about? Youve got the Kapua Suite for a couple more nights, for free. What are you, some sort of moron? PETER No. I just... I dont know what Im doing here. RACHEL Saving peoples lives, thats what Ive heard. Peter shrugs it off with a bashful grin. PETER It was an accident. I wasnt thinking.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

74.

RACHEL I bet that was nice. Cmon, Im off at seven. You want to go to Lazy Joes? PETER Look, I loved Lazy Joes. Seriously, it was great, but if Im gonna stick around, maybe we could go for a hike or a drive. Someplace far away from my ex-girlfriend. I heard something cool about Koolau Mountain. RACHEL Oh, yeah. All the tourists do that. Ive never been. Sounds like a pain in the ass. Plus its like a three hour drive, wed have to leave by three at least. PETER Its only two now, can you play hookie? RACHEL I dont think so. Peter looks over to Michael in the office. PETER Michael, do you need her here? I wanna take her on a hike. Michael smiles at Rachel MICHAEL How lovely. No, I dont need her. Shes all yours. Peter gives Rachel a smile. RACHEL (almost begrudgingly) Aright. Ill have the concierge hook us up with a map. PETER Cool.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

75.

EXT. THE POOLS OF HANA - LATER Rachel hikes in front of Peter, who breathes rather heavily. RACHEL How you doing back there? PETER Awesome. I dont think Ive ever been this covered in sweat. Its like I have a fever. RACHEL Told you it was pain in the ass up here. We could be at Lazy Joes right now. They walk a few steps further and are now overlooking a BEAUTIFUL WATERFALL which cascades into a pool below. They both stare out, Peter is in awe. He closes his eyes. EXT. SANTA MONICA MOUNTAINS - FLASHBACK Peter and SARAH stand at the top of the Santa Monica Mountains overlooking the city. She reaches out and touches his hand. EXT. HANA - DAY And were back. Peter looks pained. RACHEL You okay? Oh, yeah. PETER Fine.

RACHEL You sure? Are you gonna throw up again? PETER No, really Im alright. I just... Im a fucking mess. RACHEL Youre not even touching the mess I was. *

76.

PETER Well, thank you. RACHEL No Im serious. I mean, I got a back tattoo. Rachel shows him. PETER Wow. Is that...a potato with a knife in it? RACHEL Its supposed to be a human heart. Jack did it for me when my boyfriend left, but he was fucking wasted. PETER You must love Potatoes. You should get some tater tots too, right next to it. RACHEL (playful) Fuck off. Peter laughs. Beat. PETER I dont know. Its funny, but being hurt like that makes me feel kind of...impervious to pain. RACHEL Nothing left to be afraid of. PETER Exactly. Jumping off this waterfall aint gonna hurt me as much as she did, so whats there to be afraid of? RACHEL So jump then. PETER (off guard) I meant that as a metaphor. * * *

77.

RACHEL Why should it be a metaphor? Back up and jump, man. PETER Is it safe? She JUMPS OFF the waterfall. Peter watches the pool with concern until finally she resurfaces, laughing. RACHEL (calling up) I cant believe I survived that! You coming or what? PETER You must be crazy!! RACHEL I can see your vagina from here. Jump! Peter closes his eyes and winces. RACHEL (CONTD) JUMP!!! Peter takes a deep breath and begins his leap from the waterfall. However, about halfway through, he loses his nerve and his body seizes. His feet do not jump, but instead, slip out from under him. He slams down hard onto the edge of the cliff. He manages to grab onto a tree root before plummeting. PETER Im okay!! Ill just let go. RACHEL No! Its like, really dangerous now. If you fall straight down, youll hit the rocks and kill yourself. PETER SO WHAT DO I DO? RACHEL Can you pull yourself up?!?! Peter tries, but is too weak and his grip is awkward. PETER No.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

78.

As Peter hangs in peril, we see several VERY YOUNG Hawaiian kids leap off the Waterfall and fall out of frame behind him. RACHEL Well, maybe put your feet up against the cliff and like...shoot yourself off. PETER Like a frog? RACHEL I dont know, but that sounds like a plan. Peter awkwardly puts his legs up against the cliff face like a frog. As he does so, the PHOTO MAN and PHOTO WOMAN jump off and fall out of frame past him. PETER Okay, here I go. RACHEL Good luck. PETER Im scared. The group of swimmers below watch the hanging Peter. They begin to chant. SWIMMERS JUMP!/JUMP YOU PUSSY!/IM A KID, YOURE A GIANT!/YOURE TOTALLY GOING TO DIE! PETER (laughing) This is ridiculous. He launches himself backwards and plunges into the pool below. After a while, he emerges with a huge smile. PETER (CONTD) You saw me, right? RACHEL I witnessed it. I was there. The two tread water about a foot apart, exhilirated. THEY KISS.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

79.

EXT. FOOD STAND - LATER Peter and Rachel sit on benches outside of a small local food stand. They eat fresh fish and rice, silent and happy. A large bowl of dirty looking water is also on the table. The sun sets on the horizon. PETER Im feeling very calm. RACHEL Its the Kava. He touches her hand on the table. RACHEL Im not a romantic person. Peter begins to pull his hand away, put she softly grabs it. RACHEL (CONTD) This is amazing. Peter smiles to himself. PETER Its nice to hear that word mean something. RACHEL Hmmm? INT. SPAGO - FLASHBACK Peter and Sarah have dinner with another couple. SARAH The asparagus is amazing. EXT. MANNS CHINESE - FLASHBACK Peter and Sarah walk out of a screening with Johnny Knoxville. SARAH You were amazing Johnny. *

80.

INT. BOUTIQUE - FLASHBACK Peter waits on a chair in a shi-shi boutique. SARAH (O.S.) Okay, you ready? Peter looks up from his magazine. PETER Ready. Sarah emerges from the dressing room holding her CHIHUAHUA which is wearing a TURTLENECK SWEATER. SARAH Amazing, right? EXT. FOOD STAND - CONTINUOUS And were back... PETER I guess...I dont know, youre sincere. Peter dips his bowl in the dirty water and takes another sip. PETER (CONTD) (smiling) My mouth is numb. RACHEL Mine too. I cant feel my lips. Peter looks at her for a moment. RACHEL (CONTD) What? Peter leans in and kisses her softly. PETER Anything? RACHEL No. They share a smile and she feeds him a bite of rice. * *

81.

PETER Thank you. RACHEL That was pretty bold of you. PETER Yeah. Thats just how I roll. RACHEL Dont ever talk like that again. She shakes her head at him, then takes his face in her hands and kisses him deeply. INT. LOBBY - LATER Peter makes his way happily through the lobby. As he passes the front desk, Michael waves him over. MICHAEL So...how was the hike? PETER Great. Thanks for letting her out. MICHAEL So listen, I have some bad news. PETER Whats that? MICHAEL Dakota Fanning and her people checked in unexpectedly, so naturally, theyre going to be staying in the Kapua Suite. I packed up your stuff for you. PETER Oh. So does that mean... I should leave? MICHAEL Well, we did have one suite open up in the new wing, but its fifteen hundred a night. PETER Ill take it. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

82.

MICHAEL You really like her? PETER I just think your hotel is lovely. Thats all. INT. STANDARD ROOM - LATER Peter, still stoned, enters a dark standard room and sets down his bag. He shimmies out of his clothes and climbs into bed. As he readies to sleep, he hears the faint SOUNDS OF SEX coming from the room next door. He listens for a second. HE CLOSES HIS EYES AS THE SOUNDS CONTINUE, AND WE SEE: EXT. HANA - SUNSET Peter and SARAH gaze out at the waterfall cascading into the pools below. Someone is swimming in the pool. IT IS RACHEL, and she is nude. Peter stares at her mesmerized, only to be interrupted by Sarah. SARAH Im hotter than she is. fact. Its a

* * * * *

Sarah holds up Maxims Hot 100. Sarahs at number 24. Peter looks into her eyes for a long beat, and then leaps off the waterfall, landing with a great splash into the pool below. When he surfaces, Rachel is waiting. They KISS. Suddenly, we hear: SARAH (CONTD) YES! FUCK ME WILLIAM! YOURE AMAZING!! UYOURE THE BEST EVER!! WILLIAM RIGHT-O!!! RIGHT-O YOU FILTHY BIRD! Peters face drops. He flicks off the lamp and buries his face in the pillow. THE MOANING CONTINUES. PETER BANGS ON THE WALL. PETER SARAH MARSHALL AND WILLIAM WHATEVER, THIS IS PETER BRETTER. PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! The sounds of sex abruptly stop.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

83.

INT. SARAH AND WILLIAMS ROOM William tries to continue having sex with Sarah. WILLIAM (whispering) We can just be quiet. SARAH (whispering) I cant do this. WILLIAM (whispering) Well then Im going to jerk off. Im sorry, sweetie, but if I dont its just really going to hurt. SARAH (whispering) Just go, its fine. William gets out of bed and goes in the bathroom. INT. BREAKFAST RESTAURANT - MORNING Peter sits at a table right next to the mens room. A man walks out holding his toddlers hand. You can see the stink from the bathroom hit Peters nose. FATHER Feel better? TODDLER A little. A waitress approaches the table. WAITRESS Welcome back Mr. Bretter. Heres the drink list. PETER Actually, I think Ill just have some coffee and a grapefruit juice please. She looks at him surprised. WAITRESS Very good sir.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

84.

Peter looks out towards the patio and spots WILLIAM AND SARAH EATING BREAKFAST. William is blackberrying. A BIRD LANDS ON THEIR TABLE. Sarah cringes a bit. SARAH Not while Im eating please. It grabs a peace of bread on the table and begins eating. THREE MORE BIRDS LAND ON THE TABLE and go for the bread. Sarah slides back from the table. SARAH (CONTD) SHOO!! The birds do not leave, but instead, SEVERAL MORE ARRIVE. SARAH (CONTD) (cringing) Please leave me alone. Sarah looks far too scared. A BIRD LANDS ON HER SHOULDER AND SHE SCREAMS. She grabs her granola and heads inside. SARAH (CONTD) Its a goddamn aviary out here. WILLIAM Alright, honey. Lets move inside. William and Sarah walk into the restaurant and sit down. Peter WALKS UP TO THEM. PETER (oddly sincere) I just want to apologize if I disturbed your lovemaking last night. Peter HEADS OUT. INT. LOBBY - LATER Peter walks up to Rachel. PETER That was pretty great yesterday. RACHEL So the Koolau pools were nice. I surrender. (then) Im sorry about Dakota Fanning. (MORE)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

* * * * * * * *

85. RACHEL (CONT'D) Im glad you decided to stay though.

* *

PETER Are you around tonight? RACHEL Im off at seven...you want to go to Lazy Joes? PETER I dont actually. I had an idea. Have you ever been to the nice place here, Humuhumunukunukuapuaa? RACHEL Are you kidding? That place is such a rip off. Thirty bucks for some fish? The Cajun fish sandwich at Lazy Joes is six bucks. PETER If you wouldnt mind, I would like to take you on a proper date. Its been a long time since Ive had a proper date, and I think it would be exciting. Rachel considers. PETER (CONTD) I mean...I did stay and all. And that room aint cheap. RACHEL Classy. Okay, Im in. INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Sarah is getting dressed for dinner when William enters from the bathroom, looking rather sharp in a Fred Perry Zip Up. SARAH I thought you where going to wear the shirt I got you? WILLIAM Not tonight, I wanted to rock me new Fred Perry. Sharp, right? * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

86.

SARAH Its alright...but I thought it might be fun to get dressed up for dinner. Not be in exercise clothes. WILLIAM Its Hawaii. Everyone dresses so casual. SARAH I just thought... since I bought the shirt for you. WILLIAM I love the shirt you bought me. Really, I do. Its beautiful. But its like a shirt to wear in a club in New York. Its not exactly appropriate for here. Thats all. William walks into the bathroom, Sarah takes a seat on the bed. She puts her head in her hands and takes a deep breath. EXT. THE IVY - DAY - FLASHBACK Peter and Sarah have lunch on the patio with SARAHS PARENTS. PETER shows off his slightly too tight fitting gayish shirt. PETER Thanks, Sarah got it for me. INT. BOWLING ALLEY - FLASHBACK Sarah and Peter BOWL with some friends. Peter shows off his OVERSIZED BOWLING SHIRT which reads SARAHS MAN. PETER Sarah made it for me. INT. SKI LODGE - FLASHBACK Peter and Sarah order hot Chocolate at a ski lodge. Peter wears a slightly ridiculous KNIT SKI HAT. WAITRESS (slightly sarcastic) Nice hat.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

87.

PETER Thanks. My lady got it for me. Sarah beams with pride. INT. HOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS And were back... William emerges from the bathroom, still wearing his Fred Perry and finds Sarah on the bed, eyes welling with tears. WILLIAM Dont be upset. Fine, honey, Ill wear the shirt. INT. HUMUHUMUNUKUNUKUAPUAA - NIGHT Sarah and William walk into the beautiful restaurant. They head towards the bar. Sarah stops in her tracks. She sees PETER ordering from the Bartendress, looking truly handsome. They lock eyes. Peter steps aside, revealing RACHEL on his arm. WILLIAM Man, this resort is small. Sarah leads William to the bar, where Peter and Rachel are waiting. Peter and Sarah share an awkward smile. PETER Well...hello there. Sarah, William, this is Rachel. SARAH (trying) Nice to meet you. The Bartendress brings over a bottle of wine and two glasses. She pours Peter a taste. PETER Thats great, thank you. She begins to pour. Peter turns to Sarah and William. PETER (CONTD) Would you guys like a glass? WILLIAM Oh, we couldnt. SARAH Id love one.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

88.

PETER (CONTD) (to Bartendress) Well take two more glasses please. She finishes pouring and William raises his glass to toast. WILLIAM To new friends. They smile and cheers. The Maitre D approaches with two menus before anyone has had the chance to drink. MAITRE D (to Peter) Your table is ready sir. (to Sarah and William) It will be about fifteen minutes for your table, Im sorry for the delay. WILLIAM Please, enjoy your dinner. Thank you for the wine. PETER (offhanded, polite) Youre welcome to join us. SARAH (immediately) Okay. Everyone stops, sort of stunned. PETER Oh. Okay...great. WILLIAM No, you two are on a date... PETER No, its fine. Join us. SARAH (sweetly to Rachel) Are you sure you dont mind? RACHEL Not at all. MAITRE D Wonderful, Ill set up two more places. Follow me.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

89.

The two couples follow to the table. Rachel and Peter walk about three feet in front of William and Sarah. ANGLE ON: Peter and Rachel. PETER Im sorry. I mean... I didnt think in a million years shed say yes. RACHEL Its fine. PETER Are you sure its not awkward for you to be around her? RACHEL Please... youve met like four of my old boyfriends. ANGLE ON: William and Sarah WILLIAM This is ridiculous. SARAH You wanted to have dinner with him the other night. WILLIAM Hes on a date. SARAH (in denial) So are we. And now its a double date. INT. HUMUHUMUNUKUNUKUAPUAA - LATER Our foursome sit at the table drinking their wine. Peter has been waxing poetic about the Hana trip. Sarah tries not to look pained. All are GETTING LOOSE from the wine. PETER It was amazing. I leapt off the waterfall like some sort of Hawaiian cliff diver. It was remarkable. Rachel subtly shakes her head.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

90.

PETER (CONTD) I didnt know I had it in me. I couldnt have done it without Rachel. Shes fantastic. Rachel is mildly annoyed by Peters posturing. RACHEL (completely sarcastic) I had heard about men like him in comic books and greek myth, but to see it up close was a real honor. William laughs as he drinks his wine in silence. Peter takes the hint and tries to temper his bragging. PETER How about you guys? Having fun? SARAH Well, weve been sort of limited by Williams leg, but we did have a REALLY romantic night last night. WILLIAM We ordered room service and watched Oceans 12. Sarah shoots William a look SARAH Once that movie gets going it really sucks you into a world of chaos and romance. Its amazing. WILLIAM You fell asleep halfway through. (to Peter) Did you go to the fish stand? PETER We did. It was probably the most romantic meal of my life. This stings Sarah, and even Rachel feels a bit bad. The waitress passes. SARAH Could we have another bottle of wine please?

91.

INT. HUMUHUMUNUKUNUKUAPUAA - LATER Another bottle. Everyone is GETTING DRUNK. Sarah goes on and on about Australia. SARAH It was magical. They say it was a British Prison repository, but I found the people delightful. RACHEL Sounds great. (to William) And you must be proud to get your movie made. WILLIAM (barely paying attention) Oh... its actually not my best work to be honest with you. I wouldnt be surprised if the fucker went straight to the telly. Sarah looks at William annoyed. An awkward pause. WILLIAM (CONTD) (to Rachel) Not to change the subject, but that is a lovely dress. Its very Zac Posen. SARAH Since when do you care about fashion? WILLIAM Since I modeled for the International Armani campaign. SARAH You never told me that. WILLIAM (clearly drunk) Well... it didnt involve you so I assumed you werent interested. Peter and Rachel share a look at the tense exchange. RACHEL Well, thank you for the compliment. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

* * * * * * *

92.

The waitress passes. WILLIAM Well take another bottle of wine please. INT. HUMUHUMUNUKUNUKUAPUAA - LATER A couple bottles later, and getting drunker. Our foursome sit in silence, awkwardly eating and drinking their wine. We hold for ten seconds too long. Williams Blackberry buzzes. HE CHECKS IT, AND LETS OUT AND ODD, MISCHIEVOUS LAUGH. More silence. The waitress passes. RACHEL Could we have another bottle please? INT. HUMUHUMUNUKUNUKUAPUAA - LATER ALL ARE VERY DRUNK, and still drinking. William takes an errant sip which dribbles down his shirt. William lazily wipes it everywhere. Sarah watches on bemused. SARAH What the hell? Arent you gonna try to get that out? WILLIAM Its fine. He wipes it in further. SARAH Jesus Christ William, get some seltzer water. PETER Let the guy be. Its his shirt. SARAH I bought it for him yesterday. WILLIAM Its Hawaii. Anything goes. RACHEL Why do you guys always think being mellow is the same as being lazy? Go get some fucking seltzer water.

* * * *

* * * * * * * *

93.

SARAH Thank you. WILLIAM You know what Rachel, thats a fair point. (calling out) Seltzer please! Sarah looks annoyed and takes a long sup of wine. The waitress arrives with a CHOCOLATE SOUFFLE and some SELTZER. William clumsily goes to work on trying to get out the stain. RACHEL Ohmigod that looks good. She picks up her fork, prepares a bite and absentmindedly feeds it to Peter. Sarah tenses. PETER (in heaven) God I love Hawaii. SARAH It is great here. But for like a week tops. Anymore than that I think I would go crazy. This is where you come to hide from the responsibilities of the real world. Its like neverneverland or something. Sarah looks at Rachel almost challengingly. Peter begins to speak up for Rachel, but she squeezes his hand and smiles. RACHEL (to Peter) Volcano cake, huh? Sounds dangerous. I was so nervous when you ordered it. She FEEDS ANOTHER BITE TO Peter, SMILES AT SARAH, THEN GIVES HIM A LONG DEEP HISS. She looks Sarah dead in the eye. RACHEL (CONTD) I like living here. A very tense moment. TWO WELL DRESSED MEN APPROACH THE TABLE. WELL DRESSED MAN 1 Im sorry to interrupt, but were huge fans. *

94.

SARAH Well thats awfully nice -WELL DRESSED MAN 2 (to William) You were our absolute favorite Fancy Lad! WELL DRESSED MAN 1 The scenes with you and the Constables Son... transcendent! William looks up from his now very wet white shirt with a smile. WILLIAM Oh thank you. WELL DRESSED MAN 2 Me oh my, I didnt know there was a wet t-shirt contest tonight. Man 1 slaps Man 2 on the arm, embarrassed. WELL DRESSED MAN 1 Well we dont want to interrupt. Enjoy your dinner. They leave giddily. WILLIAM That was nice. INT. WAIKIKI EMBASSADOR HOTEL - LATER Peter and Rachel STUMBLE through the lobby. Rachel stops at the elevator bank with her to go box. Peter hesitates. PETER Do...do you want to come up? sorry, I dont mean to be -Rachel KISSES HIM. elevator, DRUNK. Im *

The door opens and they fall into the

INT. ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS The doors shut. She pulls back with a smile.

RACHEL Im really tipsy.

95.

She laughs and gives him another kiss. She then notices the camera in the corner of the elevator and waves at it. RACHEL (CONTD) Hi, Michael! INT. HOTEL ROOM - MOMENTS LATER Peter and Rachel come through the door. She opens the to go box and takes the cake in her hand. PETER What are you doing? SHE SHOVES IT IN HIS FACE AND BEGINS TO LAUGH. PETER (CONTD) (covered in cake) I cant believe you just did that. She begins to make out with him, both of their faces covered in cake. Peter picks her up and takes her towards the bedroom. He hesitates. PETER (CONTD) Are you sure youre not too drunk? RACHEL Stop being so fucking sensitive! He kisses her and carries her into the bedroom. INT. SARAH AND WILLIAMS ROOM - LATER Sarah and William lay in bed, both DRUNK. Sarah stares at the ceiling as William tries to sleep. Something catches her ear. THE SOUNDS OF SEX can be heard from Peters room. Sarah loses her breath. She looks over at the sleeping William. She climbs on top of him and tries to commence lovemaking. WILLIAM (groggy) What are you doing? SARAH Make love to me. She begins to kiss his body. William begins to rouse. He kisses her back and she moans TOO LOUDLY. William notices. * * *

96.

WILLIAM What was that? SARAH Dont stop. Sarah heads beneath the covers. Something catches his hear. The sounds of sex coming through the wall. Something registers in William. Sarah comes up from beneath the covers. As she begins to ride him, she again moans WAY TOO LOUDLY, as if trying to project RIGHT BACK THROUGH THE WALL. INT. PETERS ROOM - INTERCUT Peter and Rachel are having DRUNKEN SEX. Rachel hears the moaning through the wall, she stops. RACHEL Shhh. Listen. Peter hears Sarahs moaning. RACHEL (CONTD) Must be newlyweds. SARAH MOANS LOUDER. Peter tries not to turn dark. RACHEL (CONTD) I think I can beat her. Peter looks at her intrigued. PETER You think? She listens to Sarahs moans. RACHEL I dont know. Make me. She kisses him deeply. INT. SARAHS ROOM - INTERCUT Now RACHEL AND PETER can be heard even louder through Sarahs wall. She turns up the heat and begins screaming. A growing cacophony of ingenuine moaning volleys through the wall. * *

97.

SARAH YES!! YES!! IVE NEVER FELT ANYTHING SO GOOD!! THIS SEX IM HAVING IS AMAZING! William looks at her, disgusted as she carries on. Finally he stops moving. It takes her a second, but eventually Sarah notices. SARAH (CONTD) Whats wrong? WILLIAM Get off me. SARAH What? William pushes Sarah a little too forcefully off him. She rolls off the bed onto the floor. BOTH ARE STILL VERY DRUNK. SARAH (CONTD) What was that? WILLIAM I think I may have made a mistake coming here with you? SARAH Excuse me? WILLIAM You still love him. SARAH I do not! WILLIAM You should have seen yourself at dinner. You were like a fucking desperate housewife. SARAH You should have seen yourself at dinner! I felt like I was with a mute. All you said was how beautiful her dress was!! I mean, who the FUCK is ZAC POSEN?!? WILLIAM You know what, Sarah? in five years. (then) (MORE) Ask me that * * *

* *

* * * * * *

98. WILLIAM (CONT'D) You are not acting like a woman it is wise to be dating.

* *

SARAH When I met you I thought that you were one of the smartest people I had ever known. And the more I get to know you, the more I realize how lucky you are to have that accent. He gets out of bed and heads into the bathroom, tripping on his way. Sarah is left alone as the sounds of Rachel and Peter can be heard louder and louder through the wall. INT. PETERS ROOM - LATER Peter and Rachel lay next to each other, post-coital. PETER (softly) Hey. RACHEL Hey. PETER I think Im falling in love with you. Pause. RACHEL You dont have to say that. PETER I know I dont. RACHEL Peter, look. When I first saw you, I thought, why am I so attracted to this guy? I dont know him, hes not my type, frankly hes way doughier than the guys I normally go for. Yet I totally hope hes here alone. I havent felt like that in a long time, and honestly, its been really fun. Dont cheapen it by trying to make it more than it is. Peter looks over at her and smiles.

99.

PETER Okay. She closes her eyes and snuggles up to him. RACHEL Im going to have a really bad hang over tomorrow. INT. PETERS ROOM - MORNING Peter wakes to the sound of Rachel gathering up her things. PETER (groggy) Where are you going? RACHEL I have to work. She kisses him on the forehead and heads for the door. PETER I meant what I said last night. She stops and looks at him. She sighs, defeated. RACHEL Look...Im pretty sure I feel the same way. Okay? Peters face lights up. RACHEL (CONTD) Dont give me that hungry puppy look, its so nerdy. Youre leaving tomorrow. PETER Can I see you tomorrow? RACHEL I get off at seven. Try not to stand me up. She smiles and leaves. PETER Could you just throw me the Advil? *

100.

INT. LOBBY - LATER Peter bounces out of the elevator and heads towards the buffet. On his way however, he spots WILLIAM sitting alone in the hotel lobby, a large suitcase sitting next to him. He heads over. WILLIAM (looking up from his magazine) Hey. How are you? PETER (chuckling) A little tired this morning, mate. Whats with the bag? WILLIAM This lads headed home. PETER (shocked) What? What are you talking about? What happened? WILLIAM Just not the right match, mate. Bad timing. PETER Bad timing? WILLIAM To be perfectly honest Peter, I dont think shes over you. Anyways, alright, thats me out. (they shake hands) I think if wed met under different circumstances wed be mates. They share a smile. PETER I think so too, William. so, too. I think

* * * * * * * * * * *

William walks off, turning back for a final smile. As soon as he is gone, Peter BOLTS FOR THE ELEVATOR.

101.

INT. SARAHS ROOM - LATER Peter and Sarah have sex. They are both crying hard.

SARAH Im so so sorry about hurting you. Youre the best thing that ever happened to me and I fucked it all up. PETER Its OK. I understand. We all make mistakes. The important thing is to love each other. INT. SARAHS ROOM - LATER Peter and Sarah are sitting in bed, post-coital. Sarahs asleep. Peters blissed out. He checks his watch. He carefully extricates himself from the bed. SARAH (half-asleep) Where are you going? PETER (whispering) Ill be right back, baby. promise. He leaves. INT. WAIKIKI EMBASSADOR HOTEL - LATER Peter gets out of the elevator. He sees Rachel sitting on a couch, waiting. He composes himself and approaches. PETER Rachel. I cant hang out tonight. Ive had an absolutely amazing time, but I dont think Im going to be able to do this. RACHEL Whats with that weird artificial voice? (imitating a recording) To leave a message just press one or wait for the tone. * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

102.

PETER Sarah has come to her just think that I owe a half years we spent chance for us to work Im sorry. She looks at him in disbelief. RACHEL Okay.

senses and I the five and together the things out.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

PETER I didnt mean to hurt you. That was the last thing I intended. Rachel shakes her head at him with disappointment, but stays very calm in the way only a livid woman can. RACHEL Alright, well. Thanks. And good luck. PETER Im sorry... RACHEL Its fine. I didnt expect anything from you. I dont even know you... PETER Dont say that. RACHEL ... but can I offer you a suggestion? Id be real careful about your ladyfriend. PETER Excuse me? RACHEL I dont know how trustworthy she is. Peter tenses. PETER You know what? Im sorry I hurt you, but thats not necessary. RACHEL Good luck.

103.

She walks away. INT. BREAKFAST BUFFET - NEXT MORNING Peter and Sarah sit on the PATIO of the buffet overlooking the water. Peter IS IN HEAVEN. Sarah looks down at her food. PETER This is breathtaking. Its paradise. Sarah gives him a half-smile. Peter notices. PETER (CONTD) Are you okay? She puts down her knife and fork and gives Peter a look that is all too familiar. Before she can say anything, Peter JUMPS UP. PETER (CONTD) WHAT THE FUCK? HOW COULD YOU FUCKING DO THIS TO ME? YOURE THE FUCKING DEVIL!!! YOU GODDAMN WHORE! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN YOU STUPID BITCH!!! Other diners watch on in horror as Peter runs out of the restaurant. INT. WAIKIKI EMBASSADOR HOTEL - CONTINUOUS Peter runs to the front desk. Rachel is not there, so he approaches Michael. PETER Is Rachel here? No. MICHAEL And youre an asshole.

Peter runs to the elevator. INT. PETERS ROOM - LATER Peter sits on his bed, phone at his ear. PETER (into phone) Please call me back. (MORE)

104.

PETER (CONTD) I need to talk to you. Please. Call me back. Im sorry. It was just a hiccup! Im going to keep calling. He hangs up the phone in frustration and checks the clock. 10:45 AM. PETER (CONTD) (to himself) It doesnt end like this. Not again. INT. AIRPORT - 9:00PM Peter is at the Hawaiian Arlines counter. AGENT Were very full. All we have is one seat in business class, which is...$1259. Peter reaches into his pocket and removes a wad. PETER Ill take it. The agent types away. INT. GATE 19 - MOMENTS LATER Peter is pulling on his shoes as he arrives at the gate. He sees Sarah in the short boarding line and stops. She turns around and the two lock eyes. She slowly heads over. SARAH What? You have more names you want to call me!? Or do you just want to kill me? PETER I dont think I made myself clear. SARAH You said I never want to see you again you stupid bitch. PETER Im sorry I said those things. Sarah looks at him, confused and guilty.

* *

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

105.

SARAH Peter, I dont know what to do. Not at all. PETER One thing I know is that this has been the worst month of my life -SARAH Me too. PETER And the other thing I know is that we should not be together. Sarah nods, tearing up a little. I am sure into each because I you again PETER (CONTD) that the next time we run other itll be weird, dont really want to see --

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Sarah and Peter laugh, sadly. PETER (CONTD) But just know that I really, truly hope you find everything youre looking for. SARAH I hope you do too. PETER Goodbye. SARAH Goodbye. EXT. SARAHS APARTMENT BLDG - NIGHT, 6 YEARS AGO Peter and Sarah stand inches apart. PETER Can I kiss you? SARAH We work together? Do you think its smart? PETER Not at all.

106.

He leans in and kisses her tenderly. Their first kiss. INT. CAB - LATER Peter dials his cell. PETER Rachel, Its Peter. Please call me on my cell. I know I keep calling, but I want to see you and Im sorry. Please. Im sorry. Bye. He hangs up. Then lets out a LONG, FRUSTRATED YELL. INT. LAZY JOES - LATER Peter walks into Lazy Joes with purpose and heads into the bathroom. After a long beat, a loud BANGING is heard from within. KEMO heads into the bathroom to see whats up. INT. WAIKIKI EMBASSADOR HOTEL - LATER Peter makes his way to the front desk, his face now BEATEN and BRUISED. Rachel holds up a hand before he can speak. RACHEL I dont want to talk to you right now. PETER Please, can I just... RACHEL You dont need to explain, I get it, just leave me alone. PETER Rachel I made a terrible mist--RACHEL (cutting him off, yelling) LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!! Michael walks over from the office to check on the commotion. RACHEL (CONTD) I understand youre a mess right now. I get it. I was a mess too. I slept with a couple people I was disgusted to wake up next to.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

107.

Michael looks at her, hurt. RACHEL (CONTD) Not you Michael. (back to Peter) I get it, okay? But it doesnt excuse acting like a complete asshole. It doesnt. PETER I meant everything I said. RACHEL You told me you loved me. Then you put your dick in another womans vagina. Do you understand that? PETER It wasnt just a vagina. It was a woman I was with for six years vagina. I was so confused! Please believe me! Imagine if it was your ex-boyfriend, how would you feel? RACHEL Hes not my ex-boyfriend hes my exhusband. What!? PETER He was your husband?

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

RACHEL For like six weeks and then we got it annulled. We havent seen in each other in like forever. (then) Dont try to turn this around on me! PETER Look, I dont know what to say about that at all! But I dont think I care. I know Im crazy, but youre crazy too! Im begging you, be crazy with me. Ill be sane with you. We can be a great team. RACHEL What? What does that even mean? PETER (continuing) ...Youre not happy here! (MORE)

108. PETER (CONT'D) Youre not that laid back!! You should be in school and you know that!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

RACHEL Get it through your fucking brain!! You shouldnt be with anyone! Youre a lunatic! You fucking sucked me in then you treated me like shit! Why would I want you? PETER Youre right. I dont know what Im thinking. Im acting crazy again. Im being codependent and selfish and bizarre. RACHEL I dont really know what codependent is. All I know is I want you to leave. Dont write me. Dont call me. Dont text me. Dont email me. Get it? He backs away from the counter. PETER I wont bother you anymore. RACHEL Get off my island. He leaves. EXT. BEACH - MORNING Peter sits with his bags watching the sunrise. It is clear he hasnt slept. INT. PLANE - LATER Peter closes his eyes as the plane takes off, leaving Hawaii behind. INT. PETERS APARTMENT - LATER Peter enters his dark apartment and sets his bags down. He flicks on a light and looks around his apartment, littered with bottles of booze, overflowing ashtrays and dirty clothes. After a moment, he goes and gets a garbage bag and BEGINS TO CLEAN.

109.

INT. LAZY JOES - NIGHT Rachel and Michael approach Kemo at the bar. KEMO Hey. Sorry about beating up your Howlee Boyfriend. RACHEL That was you? MICHAEL Dont apologize. He was a Bigfoot looking bastard. RACHEL I dont care, but why? KEMO He came in and stole your picture from the bathroom. He said some bullshit about how youre an angel and should be treated with respect. It was hard to understand him cause I had just punched him in the esophagus. Rachel takes this in. FADE TO BLACK: CHYRON UP: SOME TIME LATER INT. STEVE ALLEN THEATER - NIGHT THIS EXTREMELY SMALL THEATER IS PACKED with people. A DRACULA PUPPET HOLDS CENTER STAGE, illuminated by a lone spotlight. He is being operated by PETER, who wears a black UNITARD and FACEPAINT for as not to be seen by the audience. DRACULA ...And I will shower my body in Garlic. I will deprive my taste buds of blood. Ill stare in the mirror until I can see my reflection. Ill leave shadow behind and walk with you in the sun!!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

110.

A spotlight illuminates another puppet, which looks slightly like Rachel in Victorian garb, standing on a balcony. Another puppet, a SUCCUBUS which looks oddly like Sarah as a witch, hobbles on stage and signs to Dracula SUCCUBUS How could she want you, youre not even human? How could she want you, youre not even a man? DRACULA I dont care what you say, nasty wench, of my love, for it is love that will save my damned soul!!! PYROTECHNICS GO OFF, and SEVERAL BAT PUPPETS SWOOP DOWN FROM THE RAFTERS SINGING. The full cast begins to enter as in the FINALE OF LES MISERABLES. The audience starts to laugh hysterically. BATS Fly to you! Ill fly to you!! Until the end of time Ill fly to you!! ACTORS DRESSED AS ZOMBIES AND GHOULS RUN DOWN THE AISLES ZOMBIE CHORUS Run to you, Ill run to you. Until the stars dont shine Ill run to you!! SEVERAL VAMPIRE WOMAN EMERGE FROM THE CURTAINS! VAMPIRESSES Drink from you. Ill drink from you! Until your blood runs dry Ill drink from you!! DRACULA BE WITH YOU, JUST BE WITH YOU!! ID FORSAKE THE LORD JUST TO BE WITH YOU!!! They reach a remarkable crescendo. Everyone singing their own parts over the other until finally their lyrics unify! ALL TO BE WITH YOU!!! BE WITH YOU!!! UNTIL I START TO CRY ILL BE WITH YOU MY LOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVE!!!!!!!! The crowd erupts in laughter and applause.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

111.

INT. THEATER LOBBY - LATER Peter, in jeans and his black UNITARD, face half clean like a raccoon, holds court and greets the audience as they leave. HE IS APPROACHED BY RACHEL. Peter is stunned. PETER Rachel. Wow, hi. What are you doing here? RACHEL Some kids at school were talking about some hilarious Dracula musical. She motions to two REALLY GOOD LOOKING 19 YEAR OLD GUYS WAITING ACROSS THE LOBBY. PETER Youre back in school? Thats great. RACHEL Sort of. Im at Santa Monica City College. I dont like being surrounded by eighteen year olds, but, what are you gonna do? The parties can be pretty good. Anyway, the show was great. So funny. PETER Thanks. I didnt realize it was a comedy, but once someone pointed that out to me, it sort of opened everything up. RACHEL Well, its great you got it up on its feet. Hows the TV show going? PETER I actually ended up quitting, which was terrifying. Had to move to a smaller apartment in kind of a scary neighborhood, but here I am. Lingering beat. RACHEL You never called or anything.

112.

PETER You told me not to. She smiles. He grabs a flyer and hands it to her. PETER (CONTD) Well listen, I should probably say some hellos, but my email address is on the back. Let me know if you want to go to Lazy Joes sometime. She laughs. He smiles and moves on to some other patrons. Rachel and walks out of the theater with her friends. SECONDS LATER PeterS PHONE VIBRATES. He reaches into his pocket, removes his blackberry and checks his email. It reads: TURN AROUND. Peter smiles, turns around and, there she is, right behind him. She grabs him and kisses him hard. RACHEL Youre not stalking anyone else, are you? Nope. No. PETER Then maybe this has a chance. They kiss a bunch more. THE END. OVER THE REST OF THE CREDITS we see all of the sad, funny and embarrassing photos our photo couple snapped of Peter throughout the week. PETER Youre not married? RACHEL *