Mending Mishaps

Scars disguise as shadows from the past. From time to time, we see them in the present.
I grew up in a world where the word love doesnt go along with happiness. Ive been listening to a lot of tragic love stories from people. My father kept on telling me how our relatives fell into love so badly, that they end up becoming insane or abused. I also heard town folks speaking about nearby teens having to stop school just to tend care to their crying babies. Some of them are now suffering with the consequences of lustful desires mistaken as nave curiosities. They didnt tell me how must I fall in love, but with their words, I thought the safest way I could get through it was not to think of it. I never tried to ask them what love was. To them, it seemed that I wasnt interested at all. Yes, as a child, I never wished to have a handsome prince charming. I only wore ponytails until my hair was cut short. All the time I tried to make myself less attractive. I never paid attention to lads sending me letters, gifts, or chocolates. Indeed, I became that hard-to-get girl who never spoke anything about love. For me its better to keep silent if I dont have anything good to talk about. I was clueless about having butterflies in the stomach, or seeing sparks fly when someone smiles. I never had a crush, but there were chances I talked about certain names as my subjects of admiration, so as not to get out of place. At least there is one good thing about love I know. God is love. His Divine Love makes everything right. I keep that in mind. I know my parents love me, and I love them, too. Even though their warnings about love overwhelmed me, but I knew it was for my own sake. I had to pay respect. And so I believed I could keep myself from falling in love. I even stayed indifferent for so long. I was a freshman when I chose to stay away from my accustomed life. I went to the city for a change. I was challenged to take risks and look for opportunities. After my first few months in high school, I was offered a chance to represent the school for a competition. My classmate was the 1st contestant and our teacher chose two other students (including me) to take a test for the 2nd slot. It was when I met him. Together we took the same test and I got a score with few points higher than his. I could say I went alone into a whole new world. I didnt have old schoolmates with me. I was a total stranger and was so nave, but I was also quite shy. I only became friends to those who were interested to know me and most of them were my classmates. It went that way until he asked me what my ym address was. I wasnt able to give him any because I only used the internet for research purposes only, nothing else. Later, my friend with cute curls taught me about social networking sites, instant messaging programs, email, and net surfing. So I was able to sign myself up for free online accounts. Then, I told him about my ym add. I was notified that ********* added me to his list of contacts.

And there it all began. We had our first chats; much on exchange of ideas and opinions. We had sharing of personal experiences and thoughts. As we respected each others time, we had much of our talks during weekends/ when were both done with our homework. I was certain that I was able to focus with my studies, and I bet I was even inspired. For that quarter, I was able to get good grades, even though I knew I spared some of my time for him. Even though we dont go places together, somehow I felt being close to him. He became a special friend of mine. Our classrooms were afar and our schedules were apart. Electronic signals and network cables kept us together. Months went by until a teacher presented a list of students who had to participate in a workshop. Were both in the list. We had to draw lots to determine which session we are going to participate. Again, we both belong to the afternoon schedule. We had our sessions in an internet caf so when we had the time for free internet usage; we both got a chance to keep our chats. There I used ********* as my new ym add. I wasnt talkative at all, but towards him, I couldnt help but chat so much. A day after my birthday was one of the sessions and he gave his first gift to me. It made my day, because it was the only gift I received. I thanked him so much. Everything went fine until my computer broke down. It was when I had to spend extra time late in the evening just to go to internet cafes for my research. Money wasnt enough for printing so I had to take more time writing everything, from my minor assignments to my six-page research. It was all done with extra effort. At least all the sacrifices paid off when I got the third honors for that quarter. It was unexpected. Months passed before I got a new computer. Every night, I felt something was missing. Finally, I realized that I wasnt able to tell him what happened. I never got a chance to tell him in anyway. I became negligent of him when I was preoccupied by what happened. I thought we may not be the same again after that. I thought it was the end. I knew he is a good writer. Most of the time, I walk alone along the corridors and stop by bulletin boards. I used to find myself reading certain poems and eventually finding out that he was the one writing those. He is a part of the school paper staff. So when I got a new issue of the school paper, I flip some of the pages first until I find his name. I read his articles first before somebody elses. This was one reason why I was able to keep all my copies of the school paper. I also read his online status updates but then I started to wonder how his heart broke. I couldnt remember him talking about love before. I didnt ask him, because even though we have talked about a lot of things, we never talked about love. I watched him sitting alone most of the time, but I was clueless and was afraid that I may not be able to help him. I knew nothing about love. I let him go on with his life.

The communication gap increased the distance between us. It was hard for me to go on because his loss in my life left an empty space in my heart. I felt he was once there to listen and understand me. I felt I never met anybody else who has given me trust as much as what Ive given to him. Suddenly, I learned that he already had his best friend. They did a lot of things together. It was when I thought he didnt need me anymore. There I realized that even though we have shared a lot of things to each other, I couldnt change the fact that we are each others opposite. He likes rock. I prefer soft music. He likes history. I hate it. He likes shooting games. I like puzzles. Our interests never coincide that there was never a chance that we find ourselves in the same club. For a reason, I couldnt comprehend, I went away further. I was longing for someone who could fill in the empty space. There was someone who shared a lot of similarities with me and we became close. I thought he could fill in the empty space, but he couldnt. Instead, he has put himself in a different part of my heart. I couldnt help but also think about my special friend. There was a time when I finally asked him what was disturbing him. I asked him what he really needed. When we had our chat, he asked me if we could be more than friends. I said to myself, What? I thought he doesnt need me anymore. Love? What about it? I knew he was my special friend, but I dont know what he was talking about. Was I really the one who broke his heart? I told him we couldnt be. I told him I didnt, I dont and I wont like him. Yes, I was longing for him, as my special friend, not as a lover. It was when he said he was in love that I couldnt anymore understand what he was talking about all along. Unfortunately, even though it meant that I would lose again a part of my heart, I also had to leave my close friend for a reason I greatly consider. At that time, the empty space in my heart became deeper. I started to look back at things I went through. I cried a lot of tears before I realized I was the heartbreaker. I was the one who left first, because I thought it will make them better. Sometimes I felt I was not needed anymore, or I have to leave for their sake. It was never intended to break their heart. I didnt know how fragile the heart is. Mine was coated with cement but I knew, they left cracks, they left spaces in it. Time passed by and there were chances I found myself doing things with my special friend. Those were mostly school stuff. Before, I used to wish that we could actually do things together, but we never became classmates, or co-officers. At certain times I glance at him, and I thought he has grown much. Maybe he wasnt anymore the same freshman who I enjoyed chatting with, but I knew he became better. Ever since I met him, I already believed in him, especially in what he can do. I didnt mind if I wasnt the one he needed anymore. Im always proud I knew him as a special friend.

I felt pain from the wounds left by my choices. It was one of my last days as a junior. We were having a practice in the upper floor of the building. Then I suddenly heard that he broke his knee. As much as I wanted to help him, I couldnt, I just knew about it when the rescue unit already brought him away. I had to spend my summer in the province. My mother and my siblings were all there. As I was trying to inquire about the clearance signing, I tried to address my concern to everyone in my phone contact list. No one replied but him. As I thanked him, I felt I wanted to send more text messages to him. Our conversations brought back a lot of things. To me, those were already enough. We might not become as close as before, but those moments turned my wounds into scars. After all, I just missed my special friend the whole time. I knew my choices brought so much pain to him. The fact that those choices were made as I never knew whats right when it comes to love. I never knew what was wrong. I listened to how he got his heart broken because of me. Though I didnt fully understand it, I can empathize with how he felt the pain. There I thought, I must have been wrong, but I guess it was out of ignorance. It was out of fear. I feared pain. I was afraid to get hurt. A part of the space was filled. I felt I would be selfish if I would get a part of what I want and do nothing for him. I sought help from God, as I was totally clueless. I asked for enlightenment. I got a bible, opened it and a proverb caught my attention.

Better is open rebuke than hidden love. PROV 27:5

Mishaps and mistakes are both painful; the former leaves scars, the latter leaves lessons. Whatever happens, it never hurts to forgive. It never hurts to love as long as everything is kept pure and simple.