Shakespeare

Rocks!
Junior Script
by
Steve Titford

1/041213/2 ISBN: 978 1 84237 145 9

 Published by

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 Shakespeare Rocks! 17

TRACK 1: OVERTURE

PROLOGUE

(As the house lights dim, the music begins and the set is revealed. On one side,
Will’s study takes up about a third of the stage. There is a writing desk with a quill,
an inkpot and some parchment on which sits a skull. A single wooden chair sits
behind the table. The rest of the set resembles the stage of The Globe Theatre.)

(The choir enters during the music. As the music finishes, two characters enter:
Aubrey, the pretentious director of the ‘Rough Shakespeare Company’ along with Al
- a down-to-earth assistant. Aubrey is holding a tatty old diary. They introduce the
show to the audience.)

AUBREY: Welcome, everyone. My name is Aubrey – director of the ‘Rough

Shakespeare Company’ and this is my assistant - Al.
AL: Helloo!
AUBREY: (In an overly-mystical voice.) Tonight we focus on one of England’s
greatest writers - William Shakespeare. This is our exclusive adaption of
the Bard’s personal diary…which, after being lost for centuries, has
come into our possession.
AL: We got it off eBay for £1.99!

(Aubrey glares at Al.)

AL: Including postage! Oh come on, that’s a bargain!

AUBREY: (Clears throat and turns back to the audience.) The life of William
Shakespeare is a fascinating tale, which we shall tell over the next two
hours…
AL: Er, one hour. Sorry, we can’t afford the overtime for the caretaker.
AUBREY: (Sighs angrily.) Then we’d best get on with it! (In an overly-mystical
voice again.) Let us discover the deepest thoughts of this wonderful
writer.

TRACK 2: THE PAMPHLET

(Aubrey opens the diary. Will enters, vainly running his hands through his long hair
and caressing his beard.)

AUBREY: (Reading from the diary over the music.) 4th June 1592. Had a
fantastic afternoon at the hairdresser’s – a full wash and shampoo, split-
ends removed – felt like a new man.

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18 Shakespeare Rocks!

(Ollie, Will’s assistant, enters holding a pamphlet. Ollie gives the pamphlet to Will,
who reads it anxiously.)

AUBREY: (Still reading.) Sadly, my good mood was not to last. This evening my
assistant, Ollie, secretly obtained Robert Greene’s scathing review of my
recent work.

(Will angrily throws the pamphlet on the floor and storms offstage. Ollie picks up the
pamphlet and follows him. Aubrey and Al exit. Music continues into the next scene.)

SCENE ONE: 1592- WILL’S STUDY IN STRATFORD

(As the music continues, Will’s family enter: his wife Anne, along with their children
Susanna, Judith and Hamnet. Anne bustles around the study with a feather duster.
Hamnet takes the skull from the desk and the children examine it. The music
finishes.)

ANNE: Hamnet, darling. Daddy’s skull is not a toy – please be careful with it.
HAMNET: Of course mother. (He waits until Anne resumes cleaning then
whispers.) Judith - catch! (He throws the skull to Judith.)
WILL: (Stomping onstage.) That swaggering rascal! (He throws himself on
his chair and sulks.)
ANNE: Sweetheart, whatever’s the matter? (Ollie enters and hands her the
pamphlet for her to read.) Oh!
JUDITH: (Reading the pamphlet from her mother’s side.) Johannes Factotum
– what does that mean?
OLLIE: (As if speaking to a very young child.) It means your Daddy does
many things but they’re all a bit rubbish.
WILL: Blooming cheek! (Jumping up from his chair.) I’ll show that Robert
gormless Greene! That mouldy rogue! I shall write a folio of brilliant new
plays and perform them with my friends. I shall become so respected
and famous that my name will live on for centuries. Hundreds of years
from now, every school child in England will be forced to study my work!
SUSANNA: Father?
WILL: Susanna, my princess. (He puts his hand on Susanna’s shoulder.)
We’ll be rich. We’ll have a nice big house and we’ll hire someone to
clean it so your poor mother doesn’t have to.
ANNE: But I like cleaning!
WILL: Ollie, put ‘mouldy rogue’ in my Book of Insults, would you? I’ll be needing
that later.
OLLIE: Right away, sir! (Retrieves a giant ‘Book of Insults’ from under the
desk and begins writing with the quill.)
WILL: Anne, (taking her hand) my darling wife. Give me three years and I’ll
give you the wonderful William Shakespeare – Bard of Warwickshire!

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 Shakespeare Rocks! 19

TRACK 3: WILL’S WONDERFUL WORDS

(Blackout. Everyone exits. The song continues into the next scene.)

SCENE TWO: 1595 - LONDON

(A group of Minstrels enter. Some of them have instruments - amongst them a violin,
recorder, lute, trumpet and drum. They mime the prominent parts throughout the
song. The remaining Minstrels stand with their hands behind their backs and sing
the first chorus. Lights up.)

ALL: WILL'S WONDERFUL WORDS REALLY HAVE TO BE HEARD

MAKE A VERY COOL LANGUAGE
WHEN YOU UNDERSTAND IT
YOU'LL BE A FAN, HE'S THE MAN – WILLIAM

(The Recorder Player Minstrel leaps forward and mimes. The singing Minstrels put
on sunglasses and switch to a ‘cool’ stance for the following rap.)

MINSTRELS: YO!
MINSTREL 1: WE'LL TELL YOU 'BOUT THE MAN, WE CALL HIM WILL-E-AM
MINSTREL 2: HE WROTE THE GREATEST PLAYS AND POEMS IN ING-GER-LAND!
MINSTREL 3: HE WAS A SERIOUS, LITERATE GENIUS
MINSTREL 4: GAVE INNOVATION, INSPIRATION TO ALL OF US!

ALL: WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, BARD OF WARWICKSHIRE

HAD A BIG SHOWBIZ CAREER
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE GETS YOU RIGHT HERE
MAKE YOU SMILE OR SHED A TEAR

(Will enters, walking across the stage carrying a script. A few seconds later, a
screaming group of Fans run on stage and chase him. Some Fans are waving
posters of Will in the hope of getting an autograph. Before the chorus ends, Will runs
offstage and the Fans follow him.)

ALL: WILL'S WONDERFUL WORDS REALLY HAVE TO BE HEARD

MAKE A VERY COOL LANGUAGE
WHEN YOU UNDERSTAND IT
YOU'LL BE A FAN, HE'S THE MAN – WILLIAM

MINSTRELS: YEAH!
MINSTREL 1: BORN BY THE AVON, PERFORMED IN LONDON
MINSTREL 2: KNEW QUEEN ELIZABETH AND KING JAMES THE FIRST
MINSTREL 3: HE WAS A FLY GUY, HIS STYLE WILL NEVER DIE
MINSTREL 4: HIS STORIES WILL BE TOLD AND RETOLD IN VERSE

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20 Shakespeare Rocks!

(Will enters again, running into the Minstrels. The Minstrels block Will’s escape, link
arms with him and force him into a can-can dance.)

ALL: WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE, BARD OF WARWICKSHIRE

WAS AMAZING WHEN HE APPEARED
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE GETS YOU RIGHT HERE

(Everyone freezes.)

ALL: THOUGH WE'RE NOT QUITE SURE OF THE BEARD!

(The screaming Fans enter again. Will runs offstage and through the audience. The
Fans and Minstrels follow him.)

ALL: WILL'S WONDERFUL WORDS REALLY HAVE TO BE HEARD

MAKE A VERY COOL LANGUAGE
WHEN YOU UNDERSTAND IT
YOU'LL BE A FAN, HE'S THE MAN – WILLIAM

(Will enters once more, out of breath. Ollie enters and leads him ‘indoors’ to the
safety of his study, where they examine Will’s script.)

ALL: WILL'S WONDERFUL WORDS REALLY HAVE TO BE HEARD

MAKE A VERY COOL LANGUAGE
WHEN YOU UNDERSTAND IT
YOU'LL BE A FAN, HE'S THE MAN – WILLIAM

(The Minstrels and Fans enter in a conga, dancing in time to the music. Some Fans
are now waving pom-poms. By the end of the song, the Minstrels and Fans have
marched around the stage and are now waiting expectantly at the ‘front door’ of
Will’s study.)

ALL: W-I-L-L, WILL SHAKESPEARE

W-I-L-L, WILL SHAKESPEARE
SHAKE HIS HAND, HE'S THE MAN – WILLIAM

W-I-L-L, WILL SHAKESPEARE

W-I-L-L, WILL SHAKESPEARE
SHAKE HIS HAND, HE'S THE MAN – WILLIAM
WILLIAM!

MINSTRELS: WORD!

(All freeze and hold for applause.)

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 Shakespeare Rocks! 21

FAN 1: He’s definitely in his study today!

FAN 2: (Pointing.) I saw him go through that door!
FAN 3: (Fanning herself.) Oh! He makes me go all gooey!
FAN 4: (To Fan 3.) Eew! You haven’t got the plague, have you?
FAN 1: Let’s see if he’ll sign our posters!
FANS AND
MINSTRELS: (Chanting.) We want Will! We want Will! We want Will!
WILL: (Chanting.) Go a – way!
OLLIE: Oh come now, William – they’re your loyal fans. They follow you
everywhere.
WILL: So do the lice in my hair but at least they don’t pester me for autographs!
Now go and tell those sycophants to clear off!

(Ollie walks over to the ‘front door’ and mimes opening it slowly.)

TRACK 4: SFX OVERLY CREAKY DOOR OPENING

OLLIE: (Examining the invisible handle and turning back to Will.) Sir, I think
you should consider getting the door fixed!
WILL: Hmm, to creak or not to creak? That is the question.
FAN 2: (Pointing.) Someone’s coming out!
FANS: Hooray!
FAN 3: (Fainting into the arms of Fan 4.) Ohhhh!
FAN 4: (Looks around at everyone before dropping Fan 3 and pointing at
the door.) That’s not Will!
OLLIE: Good people of London, Mister Shakespeare thanks you for your loyal
support…
FANS: Hooray!
OLLIE: …but he is very busy and cannot sign any autographs today.
FANS: (Hanging their heads.) Aww!
OLLIE: Now, please be on your way. Good day to you all. (Mimes slamming
the door.)

TRACK 5: SFX OVERLY CREAKY DOOR SLAMMING

(The Fans and Minstrels mutter discontentedly and exit, dragging the unconscious
Fan 3 offstage.

WILL: Thank you Ollie. Now, what do you think of the new play?
OLLIE: It’s great. But I’m not sure we have enough boys to play all the women
characters. They’re growing up too fast.

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22 Shakespeare Rocks!

WILL: So why not get women to play the women?

OLLIE: Out of the question, I’m afraid – you know real girls aren’t allowed.
WILL: How ridiculous! (Sighs.) You’d better talk to Burbage.

TRACK 6: GIRLS

(Blackout. Will and Ollie exit. Music continues into the next scene.)

SCENE THREE: A REHEARSAL ROOM

(Aubrey and Al enter. Lights up.)

AUBREY: (Reading from the diary over the music.) 4th June 1595. I will never
understand this idiotic aversion to real women performing on stage. It is
becoming harder to find suitable young men who are willing to dress up
as female characters.

(A group of Men-Dressed-As-Women enter and line up on one side of the stage.

They wear ill-fitting wigs. Many have beards. Some have chest hair sticking out of
their dresses.)

AL: (Reading over the music.) To complicate matters further, several

women are trying to get acting jobs by disguising themselves as men-
dressed-as-women.

(A group of Women-Disguised-As-Men-Dressed-As-Women enter and line up on the

other side of the stage. They are obviously much prettier than the Men.)

AL: (Reading over the music.) Auditions must be managed with a keen eye
and a firm hand. I therefore entrust them with Richard ‘Burley’ Burbage –
the arrogant, loud-mouth star of our theatre company.

(Aubrey and Al exit. The music finishes.)

BURBAGE: (From offstage.) Atten-tion!!

(The Men and Women stand to attention. Burbage enters with a swagger and
brandishes a cane. The scene resembles a military drill.)

BURBAGE: (Standing with his hands on hips, shouting all his lines in the style
of a British drill sergeant.) I am the famous Richard 'Burley' Burbage!
And whether I’m dressed as a man or a woman, I always look drop dead
gorgeous. (Throws his hair back and blows a kiss at the audience.)

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 Shakespeare Rocks! 23

MAN 1: (Whispering to Man 2.) What is he on about?

BURBAGE: Silence, slack pants! (Squares up to Man 1.) Do you really wanna play
a girl?!
MAN 1: (Staring forward and shouting like a soldier.) No sir, but I heard it
pays well, sir!
BURBAGE: Then shut up and listen! I wonder if there's a feminine streak in any of
you!
MAN 2: Did he say 'streak'?
BURBAGE: Stand up straight! (Mimes whacking Man 2's legs with his cane.)
MAN 2: Ow! (He stands up straight.)
BURBAGE: Now, I’d like you to meet my apprentice, Nic!

(Nic enters, flamboyantly brandishing a cane and shouting every line in an

exaggerated American accent.)

NIC: Okay, boys, let’s see what you got! Hands on your hips!

(Everyone places their hands on their hips.)

NIC: Left turn!

(Everyone turns their bodies to face stage left.)

NIC: Face forward!

(Everyone turns their faces to the audience.)

NIC: Aaaannd pout!

(Everyone pouts.)

BURBAGE: (Swaggers along the line then points cane at Man 3.) You, boy! Give
me Romeo and Juliet, act 2, scene 2, Juliet!
MAN 3: (Steps forward, clears throat and speaks gruffly.) Oh Romeo,
Romeo. Wherefore art thou…
NIC: Terrible! (Points cane at Man 4.) You! King Lear, act 1, scene 1,
Cordelia!
MAN 4: (Steps forward, clears throat and speaks croakily.) I love your
Majesty. According to my bond…
NIC: Pathetic! And get rid of that beard!

(Man 4 removes his fake beard.)

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24 Shakespeare Rocks!

BURBAGE: You, there! (Points his cane at Woman 1 and surveys her.) Nice
figure, flowing hair. This is more like it!
WOMAN 1: Thank you, sir.
BURBAGE: You’re not a real girl, are you?
WOMAN 1: No. (Clears throat and puts on an a deep voice.) No sir!
NIC: And what about you?! (Points cane at Woman 2.)
WOMAN 2: (Putting on a deep voice.) I’m all-man! (Flexes her muscles.)
NIC: Good! Because show business is not for girls!

(Nic and Burbage always sneer and perform a girly gesture whenever they say
‘girls’.)

BURBAGE: There are no girls allowed! Do you all have the guts to play girls?
ALL: Sir, yes sir!
NIC: Then we have work to do!

TRACK 7: NO GIRLS ALLOWED

NIC: (Spoken )This one’s for all the brothers,

Training to be sisters
Kick it! Uh, uh, yeh!

BURBAGE: ALL THE BOYS GO HO!

ALL: HO!
NIC: LIKE A LADY GO OO-OO!
ALL: OO-OO!

HOT WAX YOUR LEGS, OW!

STICK OUT YOUR CHEST, HUH!
PUT ON A DRESS, EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE A GUY

ADJUST YOUR HAIR, CHECK IT’S ALL THERE

NO-ONE WOULD GUESS, YOU’RE A MAN IN DISGUISE

GIVE IT ALL, YOU HAVE GOT

IT’S A JOB THAT CAN PAY A LOT

ON THE STAGE ACROSS THE LAND

EVERY WOMAN IS A MAN
THERE ARE NO GIRLS ALLOWED, NO GIRLS ALLOWED
IT’S A CRAZY LADY BAN
THOUGH WE’LL NEVER UNDERSTAND
THERE ARE NO GIRLS ALLOWED, NO GIRLS ALLOW-OWED

BURBAGE: SO ALL THE BOYS GO HO!

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 Shakespeare Rocks! 25

ALL: HO!
NIC: LIKE A LADY GO OO-OO!
ALL: OO-OO!

CASH IN YOUR HAND, IT’S JUST AN ACT

THAT’S WHERE YOU STAND, SHOW YOUR FEMININE SIDE
REAL LADIES LOVE, SOMEONE IN TOUCH
AND MAN ENOUGH, TO PLAY A GIRL WITH PRIDE

GIVE THEM WHAT, THEY ALL WANT

GROW YOUR LOCKS AND YOU CAN’T GO WRONG

ON THE STAGE ACROSS THE LAND

EVERY WOMAN IS A MAN
THERE ARE NO GIRLS ALLOWED, NO GIRLS ALLOWED
IT’S A CRAZY LADY BAN
THOUGH WE’LL NEVER UNDERSTAND
THERE ARE NO GIRLS ALLOWED, NO GIRLS ALLOW-OWED

BURBAGE: SO ALL THE BOYS GO HO!

ALL: HO!
NIC: LIKE A LADY GO OO-OO!
ALL: OO-OO!

BURBAGE AND
NIC: EVERYBODY SAY YEH YEH!

ALL: YEH! YEH!

WHEN YOUR DRAMA NEEDS A DAME

YOU KNOW BROTHER, IT’S A SHAME THERE ARE
NO GIRLS ALLOWED, THAT’S RIGHT!
NO GIRLS ALLOWED, NO GIRLS ALLOWED

IT’S A CRAZY LADY BAN

THOUGH WE’LL NEVER UNDERSTAND
THERE ARE NO GIRLS ALLOWED, NO GIRLS ALLOW-OWED
SO FELLAS BE PROUD
‘CAUSE THERE ARE NO GIRLS ALLOWED.

(All freeze and hold for applause.)

BURBAGE: Now we're getting somewhere! However, I suspect there are real girls in
our ranks and we need to luuuure them out! Nic, you know what to do.
NIC: Yes, sir.

(Nic walks to the edge of the stage and retrieves a pair of gaudy high-heeled shoes.)

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26 Shakespeare Rocks!

NIC: Shoes! Get your free shoes here! (Waves the shoes teasingly.)

(All the Women gasp.)

WOMAN 3: Oh my! Free shoes!

WOMAN 4: I just love shoes!
NIC: Who wants pretty, high-heeled shoes they’ll never need?!
WOMEN: (Rushing to Nic and jumping up around in excitement.) Me! Me! Me!
NIC: (Turns to the audience.) Busted!

(All Women sigh disappointedly.)

TRACK 8: NO GIRLS ALLOWED PLAY OFF

(Blackout. Everyone exits. The music finishes.)

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 Shakespeare Rocks! 27

SCENE FOUR: 1599 - THE GLOBE THEATRE

TRACK 9: THE GLOBE

(Aubrey and Al enter. Lights up.)

AUBREY: (Reading from the diary over the music.) 2nd May 1599. It has long
been a dream of mine that our theatre company, the “Lord
Chamberlain's Men”, would have a permanent home. For the past few
months, we have been building that dream in London - The Globe
Theatre.

(A group of Builders enter and busy themselves around the stage.)

AL: (Reading over the music.) Thanks to a spell of good weather

construction is almost finished. Everyone is working hard on the
finishing touches for tonight's grand opening performance of Henry the
Fifth – our show in the Globe.

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28 Shakespeare Rocks!

TRACK 10: SHOW IN THE GLOBE

(Aubrey and Al exit. The Builders mime simple tasks throughout the song - digging,
hammering, sawing, painting etc.)

ALL: DIG IT! HA! HOO-HA!

HIT IT! HA! HOO-HA!
WORK IT! HA! HOO-HA!
BUILD IT UP!

BY THE THAMES IN LONDON'S HEART

PEOPLE GATHERING FROM WORLDS APART
MAKING FRIENDS, TAKING PART
FEELING ALL THE GLAMOUR, MEETING THE STARS

FLOODING IN FROM EVERY SIDE

DON'T YOU LET THE RISING TIDE OVER YOUR HEAD
GET ON UP AND SHAKE A LEG

WE'RE GONNA LAY THESE WOODEN BEAMS

WE'RE GONNA MAKE THIS A THEATRE OF DREAMS
WE'LL GIVE IT SOUL AND ROCK 'N' ROLL
WE'RE GONNA GET THIS SHOW IN THE GLOBE

(The Builders move to the back of the stage and continue working. Two Box Office
Attendants enter with a wad of large tickets and a money pot. They use Will's table as
a stall to sell the tickets. During the second verse, various Theatregoers and a
Heckler enter - each paying a penny and receiving a ticket on the way in. They admire
the theatre, pointing at different things before sitting or kneeling at the sides of the
stage.)

ALL: HA! HOO-HA! BUILD IT UP!

SEE THE QUEUES BEHIND THE DOOR
CAN'T WE MAKE A LITTLE ROOM FOR MORE?
IN THE ROOF, THE PIT OR FLOOR
EVERYBODY WELCOME, RICH OR POOR

THEATRE THAT'S AFFORDABLE

JUST A PENNY FOR THE LORD CHAMBERLAIN'S MEN
KEEP 'EM COMING BACK AGAIN

(Various Beer Sellers and Apple Sellers enter and peddle their goods amongst the
Theatregoers.)

ALL: WE'RE GONNA LAY THESE WOODEN BEAMS

WE'RE GONNA MAKE THIS A THEATRE OF DREAMS
WE'LL GIVE IT SOUL AND ROCK 'N' ROLL
WE'RE GONNA GET THIS SHOW IN THE GLOBE
HA! HOO-HA! BUILD IT UP!

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 Shakespeare Rocks! 29

(Burbage, Nic and several more Actors from the Lord Chamberlain's Men enter. They
spread themselves around the stage in various theatrical poses. Ollie enters then
introduces Will and Anne to the audience. Everybody faces front and sings.)

ALL: WILL'S WONDERFUL WORDS

HAVE A PLACE TO BE HEARD
SOMEWHERE GRAND FOR THE MAN

(Will and Anne enter holding hands. Anne gazes around in amazement. Will nods
approvingly.)

ALL: WILLIAM! WOAH!

HE'S THE MAN! WOAH! SHAKE A LEG!

(Anne and Ollie go and sit with the Theatregoers. All the Actors and Builders dance
while everyone else sways in time to the music.)

ALL: WE'RE GONNA LAY THESE WOODEN BEAMS

WE'RE GONNA MAKE THIS A THEATRE OF DREAMS
WE'LL GIVE IT SOUL AND ROCK 'N' ROLL
WE'RE GONNA GET THIS SHOW IN THE GLOBE

GROUP 1: GROUP 2:
SHOW IN THE GLOBE DIG IT! HA! HOO-HA!
SHOW IN THE GLOBE HIT IT! HA! HOO-HA!
SHOW IN THE GLOBE WORK IT! HA! HOO-HA!
BUILD IT UP!

ALL: SHOW IN THE GLOBE!

HA! HOO-HA! WHEW!

(The song finishes and the Theatregoers applaud. The Builders exit and Two
Minstrels enter each holding a trumpet.)

ACTOR 1: Ladies and gentlemen please be upstanding for her Royal Highness,
The Queen.

TRACK 11: SFX THE QUEEN'S FANFARE

(The Trumpeter Minstrels mime to the fanfare. The Queen enters. Everyone stands
for the duration of the fanfare then returns to their position. The Actors exit.)

WILL: Your Majesty, what a pleasure it is to see you here. (He bows to The
Queen).

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30 Shakespeare Rocks!

QUEEN: Mister Shakespeare.

(Their conversation is interrupted by a group of Paparazzi Painters each equipped

with a pencil and a large sketchpad.)

PAINTER 1: (Entering.) Evening, your maj!

QUEEN: (Sarcastically.) Oh, great!
PAINTER 2: (Entering.) Over here, your worshipfulness!
QUEEN: (To herself.) Pesky paparazzi painters!
PAINTER 3: (Entering.) Go on, give us a smile for the front page!
QUEEN: (Putting on a false smile and waving.) How I'd love to have their
heads cut off!
WILL: Why don't you, Ma'am?
PAINTER 4: (Entering.) Oi, Shakey! Get in there with Queeny, eh?!
QUEEN: Because unlike my cousin Mary, they make me more popular with the
people. Stand here. (She drags Will closer to her and they pose
awkwardly.)
PAINTER 4: Yeah, that's the angle! Hold it there, please!
QUEEN: (Still smiling.) Just grin and bear it.
PAINTER 1: Thank you.
PAINTER 2: Thanks, Liz.
PAINTER 3: Ta, your Royalness!
PAINTER 4: Thanks, Queeney. And don't worry about the hair, Shakey. I'll touch up
the bald spot! (Reveals his unflattering sketch to the audience and
sniggers.)

(The Painters exit.)

WILL: (Checking the front of his hair.) How rude!

QUEEN: Good PR is important these days, Mister Shakespeare. Now, does your
new theatre have a nice comfy royal seat for an ageing Queen?
OLLIE: Well, we only have benches…
WILL: Er, of course we do, Ma'am. Ollie, please escort Her Majesty to the
(exaggerates) upper gallery.
OLLIE: Eh? (Taking the hint.) Oh, right! I'll send for some cushions. Ma'am?
(Escorting the Queen offstage and exiting.)

(Anne approaches Will.)

ANNE: Will, it's wonderful!

WILL: Sweetheart. (Moves to embrace Anne but she interrupts.)

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 Shakespeare Rocks! 31

ANNE: Street, the architect is here. He has the bill for you.

(Street enters along with two Builders.)

ANNE: (To Street.) You and your builders have done a wonderful job.
STREET: Thank you, madam. (Hands Will a rolled up scroll.)

(Will takes the scroll and undoes the tie. The scroll unrolls to a length of about two
metres. Anne gasps. Will whimpers.)

ANNE: How on Earth did it come to this much?!

BUILDER 1: Skilled labour don't come cheap these days.
BUILDER 2: Then you've got your tax, then your tax on your tax
BUILDER 1: Plus tea-drinking time, plus sick-pay.
ANNE: Sick-pay?
STREET: Yeah, this plague lark is a messy business. When the workers get ill,
someone's got to clean up the sick.
ANNE: How disgusting!
WILL: I'll say! Two hundred quid for a privy! We don't have to take this…
ANNE: Calm down, dear. Street, we can't pay the whole bill now. Give us two
weeks and we'll find the money.
STREET: I'm sure you will, madam. (Turns to Will and elbows him jokingly in
the ribs.) Where there's a Will, there's a way. Eh?! Eh?! (Street and
the Builders laugh but Will is unimpressed.) Oh come on, Mister
Shakespeare, that was funnier than one of your so-called comedies!
WILL: Am I paying to be insulted like this?
STREET: No, the insults are free. See you in two weeks with the money plus
twenty percent.
ALL BUILDERS: Or else!

(Street slaps Will on the back and exits along with the builders.)

ANNE: Sweetheart, hurry. The show starts in one minute! (She ushers him
offstage and retakes her position with the Theatregoers.)

(An Apple Seller and Beer Seller walk out amongst the real audience.)

APPLE SELLER: Apples! Anyone for a nice fresh apple full of nutritious meaty maggots?!
(Takes a bite from one of the apples and approaches someone in
the audience.) Crunchy on the outside, chewy on the inside! Mm, mm!

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32 Shakespeare Rocks!

BEER SELLER: (Swaying about drunkenly with slurred speech.) Beer! Beer for shale!
Who wants shum beer! (Swigs from the jug and approaches
someone in the audience.) Ish vewy nishe. Wha' are you looking at?!
(Turns to someone else.) I love yooouuuu!

TRACK 12: SFX FANFARE WITH FLUFFED NOTE

(Trumpeter-Minstrel 1 mimes to the music. The Beer Seller exits staggering. Will and
the Actors enter and stand theatrically. Trumpeter-Minstrel 2 mimes to the fluffed
note. The music finishes and the Actors say their lines dramatically.)

ACTOR 1: Can this cockpit hold?

ACTOR 2: The vasty fields of France?
ACTOR 3: Or may we cram within this wooden O?
ACTOR 4: The very casques, that did affright the air at Agincourt?
HECKLER: What's that supposed to mean?!
ACTOR 4: (Breaking character and losing temper.) We're doing a scene about a
battle in France. Now shut up and use your imagination!

(Blackout.)

TRACK 13: THE SCOTTISH PLAY

(Everyone exits. The music continues into the next scene.)

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 Shakespeare Rocks! 33

SCENE FIVE: 1613 - A REHEARSAL ROOM IN LONDON

(Aubrey and Al enter. Lights up.)

AUBREY: (Reading from the diary over the music.) 29th June 1613. It has been
just over fourteen years since we opened the Globe.
AL: Fourteen years and nothing interesting happened?
AUBREY: Plenty of things happened, Al, but we don’t have time to cover them.
AL: Such as what?
AUBREY: Well, let's see. (Thumbing back through the diary and remarking
flippantly.) Queen Elizabeth died…James became King…More
plays….Hamlet, Othello, The Winter's Tale, The Tempest, blah blah
blah.
AL: Anything else?
AUBREY: (Still thumbing.) The Gunpowder Plot…People coming over all dead
because of The Plague.
AL: (Sarcastically.) So nothing important, then?
AUBREY: (Ignores Al.) Now where were we? (Finds page.) Ah yes...
(Continues reading.) Following its successful debut, we are to stage a
second run of The Scottish Play, as it is now called - owing to the
ridiculous notion that to mention the play's proper name will bring bad
luck.
AL: A play with an unlucky name? Oh, you mean Mac…
AUBREY: No! Not here, not now!
AL: (Reading.) This fear stems from my supposed use of real spells in the
text - all poppycock, of course, but it has made the play a bestseller. It is,
however, making rehearsals a nightmare.

(Aubrey and Al exit. The music finishes. A Director enters holding a script.)

DIRECTOR: Ok, here we go, darlings. Will's done a little rewrite here. Act one, scene
one. Enter the…Superstitious Sorcerers.

TRACK 14: THE SUPERSTITIOUS SORCERERS

(Numerous Sorcerers enter. They stand hunch-backed and huddled into three
groups. The music finishes.)

DIRECTOR: Beth, Babs and Beryl, you're on. (Sits on Will's chair.)

(The Three Head Sorcerers - Beth, Babs and Beryl enter and each stand in front of a
group.)

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34 Shakespeare Rocks!

DIRECTOR: Cue thunder.

(A Drum-Playing Minstrel enters and begins drumming.)

DIRECTOR: Aaaand cue lightning.

(A Cymbal-Playing Minstrel enters and begins playing enthusiastically.)

DIRECTOR: Cue sorcerers!

(The Sorcerers wave their hands in the air, tremble their fingers and cackle.)

DIRECTOR: And stop!

(The Sorcerers and Minstrels haven't heard. The noise continues.)

DIRECTOR: Aaaand stop!

(The noise continues.)

DIRECTOR: (Completely losing temper.) Shut that stupid noise up!!

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 Shakespeare Rocks! 35

(Everyone falls silent. The Minstrels shuffle awkwardly to one side. The Sorcerers
recite part of the play. As they say their lines, each group stands up straight - arms
outstretched and fingers trembling, before returning to their hunch-backed stance.)

BETH'S
GROUP: When shall we all meet again, in thunder, lightning, or in rain?
BABS'S
GROUP: When the hurlyburly's done, when the battle's lost and won.
BERYL'S
GROUP: That will be ere the set of sun.
BETH'S
GROUP: Where the place?
BABS'S
GROUP: Upon the heath.
BERYL: There to meet with Mac…

(Everyone gasps.)

BERYL: (Looks around at the Sorcerers.) Beeeeeeeeeth.

(Everyone sighs in relief.)

DIRECTOR: Enter Mac and Banquo.

(Mac and Banquo enter.)

MAC: Banquo, my friend. So foul and fair a day I have not seen.
BANQUO: Eh?
MAC: It's raining, bog breath! However, I'm in a good mood because of my
recent victory on the battlefield.
BANQUO: Oh, okay!
BERYL: A drum, a drum!

(The Cymbal-Playing Minstrel elbows the Drum-Playing Minstrel, who drums loudly
for two seconds before stopping.)

SORCERERS: McBeeeeeeeth doth come!

(Mac and Banquo spot the Sorcerers.)

BANQUO: Oh, no! Essex girls!

MAC: No Banquo, even worse - we're in Scotland. They're probably Sorcerers,
trying to sell us something. (To the Sorcerers.) Move aside, crones!
We're not interested!

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36 Shakespeare Rocks!

DIRECTOR: And cut! (Stands up and struts across the stage.) There's too much
ad-libbing! Look, Mac, darling.
MAC: My name is Mac…
SORCERERS: Shh!
BANQUO: What, your real name is Macb…
SORCERERS: Shh!
MAC: No, stop interrupting! It's Mac…
SORCERERS: Shh!
MAC: ...Donald!
SORCERERS: Oh, right!
BANQUO: So your real name is MacDonald?
MAC: Yes!
BANQUO: Not Macb…
SORCERERS: Shh!
DIRECTOR: Will you stop that!
BETH: Don't you know that name is cursed?!
BABS: Beth, sweetheart. They're from out of town.
BANQUO: (Pointing at Beth.) Wait, your name is Beth?
BETH: Yes.
BANQUO: That’s funny, I thought you said Macb…
SORCERERS: Shhhhhhhhhhh!
MAC: So how are we going to get through this play without spraying the
audience with spit?
SORCERERS: Don't Mention Mac!
BANQUO: Can someone explain, why?

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 Shakespeare Rocks! 37

TRACK 15: DON'T MENTION MAC

ALL: SHH!

THERE'S A NAME YOU MUSTN'T NAME

AND IF YOU DO YOU'LL GET THE BLAME
WHEN THINGS HAPPEN TO GO BAD
SO IF YOU PLEASE, DON'T MENTION MAC

BETTER YOU KNOW RIGHT AWAY

THAN RUIN OUR ENTIRE DAY
COULD YOU SHOW A LITTLE TACT
AND NOTICE WE DON'T MENTION MAC

IS THIS PREMONITION, MERELY SUPERSTITION?

DON'T TEMPT FATE, ON THIS STAGE
ONE MUST SAY "THE SCOTTISH PLAY" AND

LEAVE IT THERE, IF YOU CARE

DON'T DISCUSS IT ANYWHERE
KEEP THAT WORD UNDER YOUR HAT AND
MAKE SURE YOU DON'T MENTION MAC

WOO! WOO!

BIDDILY-BODDILY BIDDILY-BODDILY
BE BOP BOP

IS THIS PREMONITION, MERELY SUPERSTITION?

DON'T TEMPT FATE, ON THIS STAGE
ONE MUST SAY "THE SCOTTISH PLAY" AND

LEAVE IT THERE, IF YOU CARE

DON'T DISCUSS IT ANYWHERE
KEEP THAT WORD UNDER YOUR HAT
AND MAKE SURE YOU DON'T MENTION MAC

MAC, MAC, MENTION MAC

NO, NO, NO DON'T MENTION MAC
IF YOU DO JUST WATCH YOUR BACK
LISTEN, DEARS - A LITTLE CHAT
WHILE YOU'RE HERE DON'T MENTION MAC!

(The song finishes and everyone holds for applause, except Beth – who hasn’t
realised that the song has finished.)

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38 Shakespeare Rocks!

BETH: (Doing a silly dance and singing on her own.) Dooby, dooby, dooby,
dooby, dooby, doo! Make sure you don’t mention Mac!
ALL: (Angrily to Beth.) Beth! (Everyone gasps.) Oh no!
SORCERER 1: We just said the forbidden name! What do we do?
SORCERER 2: We have to perform the ritual!
SORCERER 3: What ritual?
SORCERER 4: We have to spin around three times then say a naughty word!
SORCERER 5: It can't be too naughty, my Mum's watching!
SORCERER 4: There's a dictionary here. (Retrieves a dictionary from under Will's
desk.) Let's find a naughty word in this!

(Sorcerer 4 opens the dictionary and stands centre-stage. Everyone gathers round.)

SORCERER 1: (Pointing at the page.) Oh, that’s really naughty!

(Everyone sniggers.)

SORCERER 2: I never knew it was called that.

SORCERER 3: I can't say that, my parents would kill me!
SORCERER 4: (Turns the pages and points at another word.) This one isn't too bad.
SORCERER 5: (Pointing at the page.) Okay, everyone spin round three times and say
that word. Got it?
ALL: Got it!

(Sorcerer 5 slams the dictionary shut.)

ALL: One! (Spin.) Two! (Spin.) Three! (Spin).

(Everyone takes a deep breath. Bernie Bottom, the cannon operator, enters -
covered in soot, clothes torn and breeches burnt.)

ALL: Bottom?!
DIRECTOR: (Pointing.) It's Bernie Bottom! The cannon operator! What happened to
you?!
BERNIE: The Globe! The Globe has burnt down!
ALL: Burnt down?!
BERNIE: My cannon misfired during Henry the Eighth and the roof went up in
flames.
MAC: Was anyone hurt?
BERNIE: No. But my breeches caught fire!
BANQUO: How did you put them out?

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 Shakespeare Rocks! 39

(The Beer Seller enters and staggers on stage.)

BEER SELLER: Shum-one poured beer on them! Hic!

TRACK 16: GLOBE UP IN SMOKE

(Blackout. Everyone exits. The music continues into the next scene.)

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40 Shakespeare Rocks!

SCENE SIX: THE SMOULDERING RUINS OF THE GLOBE THEATRE

(The stage is littered with scorched debris (see “Props.” List). Romeo enters and lies
unconscious centre stage. Lights up. The music finishes. Juliet enters.)

JULIET: Romeo, Romeo. Pwar! This smoke smells like school dinners! Where on
earth are you, Romeo?

(Romeo moans as he wakes up.)

JULIET: Oh Romeo, my love! (She runs to Romeo.)

ROMEO: Juliet! What happened?
JULIET: We were both on stage then the theatre caught fire. Everything's burnt to
a crisp. (She helps Romeo up.) Are you okay?
ROMEO: All the better for seeing you, Juliet.
MINSTRELS: (From offstage.) Juliet?!

(A Lute Player Minstrel and Recorder Player Minstrel enter.)

LUTENIST: (To Recorder Player.) I thought his name was Julian! (To Juliet.) You
mean ….
MINSTRELS: (Together.) You’re not a man-dressed-as-a-woman?!
JULIET: Er…
RECORDER
PLAYER: You are, in fact…
MINSTRELS: (Together.) A woman…dressed-as-a-man-dressed-as-a woman?!
JULIET: Well…
MINSTRELS: (Together.) And your name is…Juliet, not…Julian?!
ROMEO: Please don't tell anyone! I know there are no girls allowed. We'll both
lose our jobs!
LUTENIST: What does it matter now? (Melodramatic.) We have lost our loved
ones to the flames!

(The Lute Player and Recorder Player begin to sob.)

JULIET: I'm…so sorry about your families.

MINSTRELS: (Together.) What?! (The sobbing instantly stops.)
RECORDER
PLAYER: Our families are fine! We're talking about our instruments, our beloved
instruments!
ROMEO: Oh! That reminds me. (Pulls a charred recorder from his breeches.) I
fell on this during the panic - it really hurt!

© Musicline Publications Ltd