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 Contents Succeeding in Business with Microsoft Excel 2013

Determining a Rank for Each Value in a Data Set 105

Determining the Highest and Lowest Values in a Data Set 107
Determining the Highest Value with the LARGE Function 107
Determining the Lowest Value with the SMALL Function 109
Determining the Number of Items That Meet Specified Criteria 111
Determining a Total Value for Items That Meet Specified Criteria 116
Steps To Success: Level 2  121
LEVEL 3 Extending the Analysis with What-If, Goal Seek, and Simulation 123
Evaluating a Larger Data Set 123
Specifying a Custom Number Format 125
Understanding Custom Formatting Codes 127
Considering Alternatives: What-If Analysis and Goal Seek 129
Performing What-If Analysis 130
Using the Goal Seek Tool to Work Backward 131
Combining COUNTIF and AVERAGEIF to Analyze Data in Specific Categories 135
Analyzing Data Through Simulation 138
Randomly Assigning a Number Between Two Values Using the
RANDBETWEEN Function 140
Assigning a Random Value Using the RAND Function 140
Calculating Probable Costs Using the ROUND Function 141
Completing the Cost-Benefit Analysis 142
Steps To Success: Level 3 143
Chapter Summary 145
Conceptual Review 145
Case Problems 147
Level 1 – Analyzing Sales for Crèmes Ice Cream 147
Level 2 – Analyzing Demographic Data for La Rosa Restaurant 149
Level 3 – Determining Inventory Levels for CKG Auto 150

Chapter 3: Determining Effective Data Display with Charts154

LEVEL 1 Visualizing Data 156
Effective Data Display 157
Visualizing Data with Sparklines 159
Effective Charting in Excel 161
Determining the Appropriate Chart Type and Chart Options 163
Steps To Success: Level 1  176
LEVEL 2 Evaluating Chart Sub-Types 177
Examining Sub-Types for Various Chart Types 177
Adding Things Up: Stacked Chart Options 178
Summing to 100%: Alternatives to Pie Charts 179
Slicing the Pie Too Thin: Summarizing Too Much Detail in Pie Charts 180
Monitoring a Business with Stock Charts 185
Steps To Success: Level 2  195
LEVEL 3 Exploring More Advanced Chart Types 196
Evaluating the Effectiveness of Radar, Bubble, and Dashboard Charts 196
Understanding Radar Charts 196
Understanding Bubble Charts 199

vi
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Editorial review has deemed that any suppressed content does not materially affect the overall learning experience. Cengage Learning reserves the right to remove additional content at any time if subsequent rights restrictions require it.
 Succeeding in Business with Microsoft Excel 2013 Contents

Creating a Management Dashboard 202

Steps To Success: Level 3  205
Chapter Summary 206
Conceptual Review 208
Case Problems 209
Level 1 – Illustrating Travel Data for the Indiana Department of Tourism 209
Level 2 – Analyzing Stock Performance for Universal Investments 210
Level 3 – Illustrating Patterns in Gas Prices for CKG Auto 210

Chapter 4: Applying Logic in Decision Making212

LEVEL 1 Analyzing Data Using Relational Operators and Boolean Logical Functions  214
Reviewing Financial Criteria Related to Credit 214
Using Relational Operators to Compare Two Values 217
Using Boolean Logical Functions to Evaluate a List of Values and Determine a Single
TRUE or FALSE Value 220
Using the OR Function to Evaluate Criteria 222
Using the AND Function to Evaluate Criteria 225
Using the NOT Function to Evaluate Criteria  228
Applying Conditional Formatting to a Worksheet 230
Applying Conditional Formatting Using Preset Formats 230
Applying Conditional Formatting Based on Cell Value 233
Applying Conditional Formatting Based on the Results of a Formula 237
Steps To Success: Level 1 241
LEVEL 2 Analyzing Data Using IF Functions and Nested Functions 242
Introduction to IF Functions and Nested Functions242
Writing Simple IF Functions243
Writing an IF Function with a Logical Test That Evaluates TRUE/FALSE Values 245
Writing an IF Function That Performs a Simple Calculation 246
Writing IF Functions with Nested Functions 248
Constructing a Simple Nested IF Function 251
The Order of Logical Tests for Nonmutually Exclusive Criteria 254
The Order of Logical Tests for Mutually Exclusive Criteria 254
The Order of Logical Tests for Criteria Between a Range of Values 255
Steps To Success: Level 2 256
LEVEL 3 Creating Complex Logical Constructs for Solving Problems  258
Evaluating More Complex Criteria 258
Using an IF Function to Combine Sets of Criteria 260
Using the None Of Construct 261
Using the Only Construct 264
Nesting Boolean Logical Operators to Analyze Criteria 267
Completing the Complex Nested IF Formula 268
Steps To Success: Level 3 271
Chapter Summary 272
Conceptual Review 273
Case Problems 275

vii
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 Contents Succeeding in Business with Microsoft Excel 2013

Level 1 – Evaluating Job Applicants for Winston, Winston & Coombs 275
Level 2 – Estimating Painting Job Costs for NT Painting & Sons 277
Level 3 – Analyzing Dealership Promotions for CKG Auto 279

Chapter 5: Retrieving Data for Computation, Analysis, and Reference282

LEVEL 1 Performing Basic Lookups to Calculate and Evaluate Data 284
Working with Lookup Tables 284
Retrieving Data from a Vertical Lookup Table 285
Looking Up Unit Prices Using the VLOOKUP Function 287
Examining the VLOOKUP Rules 288
Retrieving an Exact Match 290
Retrieving Data from a Horizontal Lookup Table 294
Steps To Success: Level 1  298
LEVEL 2 Performing More Complex Lookups Involving Multiple Worksheets and
Multidimensional Tables  299
Retrieving Data from Multiple Worksheets 299
Using VLOOKUP with Multiple Worksheets 301
Looking Up Data in a One-Row or One-Column Range 303
Retrieving Data from Multidimensional Tables 307
Using the INDEX Function with a Two-Dimensional Table 308
Using the INDEX Function with a Three-Dimensional Table 311
Steps To Success: Level 2  314
LEVEL 3 Nesting Lookup and Reference Functions to Retrieve and Calculate Data  316
Refining the Order Form 316
Preventing Errors in Data Retrieval 321
Using the ISBLANK Function 323
Nesting LOOKUP and IF Functions to Calculate the Price per Unit 325
Choosing the Lookup_Value Using an IF Function with a Nested VLOOKUP 327
Choosing the Table_Array Using the CHOOSE Function 328
Choosing the Col_Index_Num Using a Constant Value 330
Choosing the Range_Lookup Using a VLOOKUP Function 330
Creating the Final Formula for Determining Unit Price 331
Calculating Totals 333
Calculating the Discount Amount 334
Calculating the Shipping Costs Using MATCH and INDEX Functions 335
Determining the Reference Argument of the INDEX Function 338
Determining the Row_Num of the INDEX Function Using a
VLOOKUP Function 338
Determining the Column_Num of the INDEX Function Using the
MATCH Function 339
Determining the Area_Num of the INDEX Function Using the MATCH
Function with a Nested List  342
Creating the Complex INDEX Formula and Completing the Worksheet 342
Steps To Success: Level 3  345
Chapter Summary 347
Conceptual Review 348
Case Problems 350

viii
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Editorial review has deemed that any suppressed content does not materially affect the overall learning experience. Cengage Learning reserves the right to remove additional content at any time if subsequent rights restrictions require it.
 Succeeding in Business with Microsoft Excel 2013 Contents

Level 1 – Evaluating Tax Rates for the Freedom Group 350

Level 2 – Calculating Travel Costs at America Travels 352
Level 3 – Creating a Cost Estimate Form for CKG Auto 354

Chapter 6: Evaluating the Financial Impact of Loans and Investments358

LEVEL 1 Calculating Values for Simple Financial Transactions  360
Understanding How Interest Is Calculated 360
Calculating Simple Interest 360
Calculating Compound Interest 361
Reviewing Alternative Financing Options 362
Using the PMT Function to Determine a Loan Payment 363
Understanding Cash Flow (Inputs and Outputs) 365
Specifying Consistent Units of Time 366
Determining the Value of the Loan Payment 366
Using a Financial Function with Cell Referencing 367
Using the RATE, NPER, PV, and FV Functions 368
Determining the Future Value of a Financial Transaction 369
Determining the Present Value of a Financial Transaction 371
Determining the Interest Rate of a Financial Transaction 372
Determining the Number of Periods of a Financial Transaction 374
Selecting a Financing Option 376
Steps To Success: Level 1  377
LEVEL 2 Creating a Projected Cash Flow Estimate and Amortization Schedule  379
Designing a Worksheet to Estimate Cash Flow  379
Identifying the Missing Data Elements 380
Setting Up an Amortization Schedule 383
Calculating Principal and Interest Payments 385
Calculating Principal and Interest Payments Between Two Periods 387
Calculating Depreciation Using the SLN Function 390
Alternative Depreciation Options Provided in Excel 394
Calculating Taxes 395
Completing the Analysis 397
Steps To Success: Level 2  400
LEVEL 3 Evaluating the Financial Viability of Alternative Project Options  401
Setting Up a Worksheet to Analyze Profitability 401
Calculating Net Present Value 403
Entering the NPV Function 404
Setting Up a Table of Hurdle Rates 405
Calculating the Internal Rate of Return 407
Creating a Chart Showing the Hurdle Rate vs. NPV 409
Calculating the Return on Investment 410
Determining the Payback Period 411
Setting Up the Worksheet for the Low Capital Option 413
Evaluating the Results of the Analysis 415
Steps To Success: Level 3  416

ix
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Editorial review has deemed that any suppressed content does not materially affect the overall learning experience. Cengage Learning reserves the right to remove additional content at any time if subsequent rights restrictions require it.
 Contents Succeeding in Business with Microsoft Excel 2013

Chapter Summary 417

Conceptual Review 418
Case Problems 419
Level 1 – Evaluating Loan Options for Flowers By Diana 419
Level 2 – Creating a Mortgage Calculator for TriState Savings & Loan 421
Level 3 – Analyzing Purchasing vs. Leasing Options for CKG Auto 423

Chapter 7: Organizing Data for Effective Analysis426

LEVEL 1 Importing and Structuring Text Data in Excel Worksheets 428
Working with Text Data 428
Combining Text Using the CONCATENATE Function 430
Extracting Characters from a Text String 431
Removing Spaces from a Text String 432
Determining the Position of a Character Within a Text String 434
Sorting and Removing Invalid Data 434
Converting Text into Columns of Data 438
Labeling and Sorting Data 440
Analyzing Data by Creating Subtotals 441
Creating and Working with an Excel Table 443
Sorting an Excel Table 445
Filtering an Excel Table 446
Adding Data to an Excel Table 448
Removing an Excel Table Definition 449
Steps To Success: Level 1 449
LEVEL 2 Analyzing Data Imported from a Database and Organizing Data
with a PivotTable Report 450
Importing Data from a Database into Excel 450
Importing an Access Table into Excel 452
Using the Microsoft Query Wizard to Select Data from a Database 454
Making Calculations with Date and Time Data 456
Analyzing Data Using a PivotTable Report 460
Analyzing Data Using the Row, Column, and Value Areas 462
Creating a PivotTable Report 463
Adding Fields to the FILTERS Area 466
Using Slicers to Filter PivotTable Data 467
Evaluating Data Using a PivotChart Report 470
Steps To Success: Level 2 472
LEVEL 3 Importing and Exporting XML Data 473
Understanding Markup Languages and XML 473
XML Documents 475
Analyzing XML Data with Excel 476
Importing XML Data as an XML Table 476
Adding an XML Map to a Workbook 479
Exporting XML Data 481
Steps To Success: Level 3 484

x
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Editorial review has deemed that any suppressed content does not materially affect the overall learning experience. Cengage Learning reserves the right to remove additional content at any time if subsequent rights restrictions require it.
 Succeeding in Business with Microsoft Excel 2013 Contents

Chapter Summary 486

Conceptual Review 486
Case Problems 487
Level 1 – Importing and Analyzing Data for Johnson Equipment  487
Level 2 – Analyzing Manager Performance at Home Station  488
Level 3 – Creating a Loan Application and Amortization Schedule for CKG Auto  489

Chapter 8: Using Data Tables and Excel Scenarios for What-If Analysis490
LEVEL 1 Using Data Tables to Perform Break-Even and Sensitivity Analyses  492
Conducting Break-Even and Sensitivity Analyses 492
Analyzing What-If Results with Data Tables 494
Preparing a Worksheet for Data Tables 495
Varying One Value in a What-If Analysis 498
Setting Up a One-Variable Data Table’s Structure 498
Completing a One-Variable Data Table 500
Interpreting One-Variable Data Tables 502
Varying Two Values in a What-If Analysis 505
Setting Up a Two-Variable Data Table’s Structure 505
Completing a Two-Variable Data Table 507
Interpreting Two-Variable Data Tables 509
Steps To Success: Level 1  511
LEVEL 2 Using Scenarios to Perform What-If Analysis 512
Comparing the Results of Complex Analyses 512
Planning Scenarios 513
Preparing the Inputs 513
Preparing the Outputs 515
Setting Up a Scenario 516
Preparing a Worksheet for Scenarios 517
Adding Scenarios to a Worksheet 520
Viewing and Analyzing Scenarios 523
Editing and Deleting Scenarios 526
Generating Scenario Reports 528
Creating Scenario Summaries 528
Creating Scenario PivotTable Reports 530
Creating Scenario PivotChart Reports 532
Steps To Success: Level 2 533
LEVEL 3 Using Excel’s Data Tables to Create a Simulation 535
Understanding Simulation in Business 535
Preparing a Worksheet for a Simulation Using a Data Table 535
Developing a Simulation with a Two-Variable Data Table 538
Structuring a Two-Variable Data Table for a Simulation 539
Completing a Two-Variable Data Table for a Simulation 540
Calculating Simulation Statistics 542
Interpreting Simulation Results 543
Steps To Success: Level 3 544

xi
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Editorial review has deemed that any suppressed content does not materially affect the overall learning experience. Cengage Learning reserves the right to remove additional content at any time if subsequent rights restrictions require it.
 Contents Succeeding in Business with Microsoft Excel 2013

Chapter Summary 545

Conceptual Review 546
Case Problems 546
Level 1 – Estimating Travel Expenses for Customers of Executive Transport, Inc. 546
Level 2 – Evaluating Expansion Financing Options for Granite City Books 547
Level 3 – Analyzing Health Insurance Plan Options for CKG Auto 549

Chapter 9: Enhancing Decision Making with Solver552

LEVEL 1 Solving Product Mix Questions Using Goal Seek and Solver  554
The Other Side of What-If Analysis 554
Performing What-If Analysis Using Goal Seek 555
Creating a Solver Model 556
Adding or Changing a Constraint in a Solver Model 566
Saving a Solver Solution as a Scenario 568
Analyzing Data Using a Solver Report 569
Steps To Success: Level 1 571
LEVEL 2 Enhancing the Production Plan with Solver 572
Adding Time Variables to the Production Plan 572
Adding Formulas and Constraints to the Solver Model 572
Troubleshooting an Infeasible Solution 575
Troubleshooting an Unbounded Solution 576
Identifying a Feasible Solution 576
Visualizing the Constraints in a Solver Model 577
Finding an Optimal Solution 580
Steps To Success: Level 2 582
LEVEL 3 Managing Transportation Problems with Solver  583
Developing a Distribution Plan Using Solver 583
Setting Up a Worksheet for the Distribution Plan 584
Saving a Solver Model 588
Using Solver When Demand Exceeds Supply 591
Assigning Contracts by Using Binary Constraints 593
Evaluating Assignment Problems with Too Many Resources 595
Steps To Success: Level 3 597
Chapter Summary 598
Conceptual Review 599
Case Problems 600
Level 1 – Creating a Production Plan for ATC Inc. 600
Level 2 – Managing Purchases for Brightstar Toy Company 601
Level 3 – Assigning Specialists to Teams at CKG Auto 603

Chapter 10: Troubleshooting Workbooks and Automating Excel Applications604

LEVEL 1 Preparing Error-Free Workbooks 606
Planning an Excel Application  606
Understanding the Existing Spreadsheet 606
Planning a More Automated Model to Calculate EPS 608
Controlling Data-Entry Errors Using the Data Validation Tool 609
Setting Up a Data Validation Rule 610
Creating an Input Message 613
xii
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Editorial review has deemed that any suppressed content does not materially affect the overall learning experience. Cengage Learning reserves the right to remove additional content at any time if subsequent rights restrictions require it.
 Succeeding in Business with Microsoft Excel 2013 Contents

Specifying an Error Alert Style and Message 615

Circling Invalid Data 617
Protecting Workbooks 619
Locking and Unlocking Cells and Protecting the Worksheet 621
Hiding and Displaying Rows and Columns 623
Protecting a Workbook 624
Documenting Workbooks 626
Providing a Thorough Documentation Worksheet 627
Including Comments in a Worksheet 628
Steps To Success: Level 1 630
LEVEL 2 Identifying and Correcting Formula Errors 631
Types of Formula Errors 631
Tools for Solving Formula Errors 632
Using Error Messages to Understand Formula Errors 632
Using Auditing Tools to Troubleshoot Formula Errors 633
Tracing and Solving Formula Errors 634
Tracing Errors 635
Using the Evaluate Formula Tool 636
Tracing Precedent Cells 638
Tracing Dependent Cells 639
False Positive and False Negative Errors 640
Setting Error-Checking Options 642
Steps To Success: Level 2  646
LEVEL 3 Automating Excel Tasks 647
Defining Macros 647
Creating a Macro 647
Displaying the DEVELOPER Tab 648
Assigning a Macro Name and Shortcut Key  649
Planning the Macro 650
Recording a Macro 651
Saving a Macro-Enabled Workbook File 652
Running a Macro 654
Customizing the Ribbon 655
Creating a Custom Button 657
Testing a Macro 659
Viewing a Macro in the Visual Basic Editor 660
Steps To Success: Level 3 662
Chapter Summary 663
Conceptual Review 663
Case Problems 664
Level 1 – Troubleshooting Formulas and Data Entry in a Payroll Data Workbook
for Irene’s Scrapbooking World 664
Level 2 – Troubleshooting Formulas in a Job Invoicing Workbook for David’s
Computer Repair 665
Level 3 – Projected Sales and Commissions for CKG Auto  667

Glossary 670

Index 681
xiii
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Editorial review has deemed that any suppressed content does not materially affect the overall learning experience. Cengage Learning reserves the right to remove additional content at any time if subsequent rights restrictions require it.
 Preface Succeeding in Business with Microsoft Excel 2013

Preface

THE SUCCEEDING IN BUSINESSTM SERIES

Because you’re ready for more.

Increasingly students are coming into the classroom with stronger computer skills. As a
result, they are ready to move beyond “point and click” skills and learn to use these tools
in a way that will assist them in the business world.

You’ve told us you and your students want more: more of a business focus, more realistic
case problems, more emphasis on application of software skills and more problem-solving.
For this reason, we created the Succeeding in Business Series.

The Succeeding in Business Series is the first of its kind designed to prepare the
technology-savvy student for life after college. In the business world, your students’ ability
to use available tools to analyze data and solve problems is one of the most important
factors in determining their success. The books in this series engage students who have
mastered basic computer and applications skills by challenging them to think critically and
find effective solutions to realistic business problems.

We’re excited about the new classroom opportunities this new approach affords, and we
hope you are too.

xiv
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Editorial review has deemed that any suppressed content does not materially affect the overall learning experience. Cengage Learning reserves the right to remove additional content at any time if subsequent rights restrictions require it.
 Succeeding in Business with Microsoft Excel 2013 Preface

The Succeeding in Business Instructor Resources

A unique approach requires unique instructor support; and we have you covered. We
take the next step in providing you with outstanding Instructor Resources—developed
by educators and experts and tested through our rigorous Quality Assurance process.
Whether you use one resource or all the resources provided, our goal is to make the
teaching and learning experience in your classroom the best it can be. With our resources,
you’ll spend less time preparing, and more time teaching.

To access any of the items mentioned below, go to www.cengage.com or contact

your Cengage Learning Consultant.

Instructor’s Manual
The instructor’s manual offers guidance through each level of each chapter. You will find
lecture notes that provide an overview of the chapter content along with background
information and teaching tips. Also included are classroom activities and discussion
questions that will get your students thinking about the business scenarios and decisions
presented in the book.

ExamView ® Test Bank

ExamView features a user-friendly testing environment that allows you to not only publish
traditional paper and LAN-based tests, but also Web-deliverable exams. In addition to the
traditional multiple-choice, true/false, completion, short answer, and essay, questions,
the Succeeding in Business Series emphasizes new critical thinking questions. Like the
textbook, these questions challenge your students with questions that go beyond defining
key terms and focus more on the real-world decision making process they will face in
business, while keeping the convenience of automatic grading for you.

xv
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Editorial review has deemed that any suppressed content does not materially affect the overall learning experience. Cengage Learning reserves the right to remove additional content at any time if subsequent rights restrictions require it.
 Preface Succeeding in Business with Microsoft Excel 2013

Student Data Files and Solution Files

All student data files necessary to complete the hands-on portion of each level and the
end-of chapter material are provided along with the solution files.

Annotated Solution Files and Rubrics

Challenging your students shouldn’t make it more difficult to set grading criteria. Each
student assignment in your textbook will have a correlating Annotated Solution File that
highlights what to look for in your students’ submissions. Grading Rubrics list these
criteria in an auto-calculating table that can be customized to fit the needs of your class.
Electronic file format of both of these tools offers the flexibility of online or paper-based
grading. This complete grading solution will save you time and effort on grading.

PowerPoint Presentations
The PowerPoint presentations deliver visually impressive lectures filled with the business
and application concepts and skills introduced in the text. Use these to engage your
students in discussion regarding the content covered in each chapter. You can also
distribute or post these files for your students to use as an additional study aid.

Figure Files
Every figure in the text is provided in an easy to use file format. Use these to customize
your PowerPoint Presentations, create overheads, and many other ways to enhance
your course.

Sample Syllabus
A sample syllabus is provided to help you get your course started. Provided in a Word
document, you can use the syllabus as is or modify it for your own course.

xvi
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Editorial review has deemed that any suppressed content does not materially affect the overall learning experience. Cengage Learning reserves the right to remove additional content at any time if subsequent rights restrictions require it.
 Succeeding in Business with Microsoft Excel 2013 Preface

Succeeding in Business Series Walk-Through

The Succeeding in Business approach is unique. It moves beyond point-and-click exercises

to give your students more real-world problem solving skills that they can apply in business.
In the following pages, step through Succeeding in Business with Microsoft Excel 2013 to
learn more about the series pedagogy, features, design, and reinforcement exercises.

Thought-provoking quotes at the

­beginning of each chapter set the
stage for the concepts to be presented.
Applying Fundamental Excel Skills
and Tools in Problem Solving
The Learning Objectives ­provide Finance: Analyzing Costs and Projected
a quick reference for topics Revenues for a New Product
­covered in the chapter.
“When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble
a nail.”
—Abraham Maslow
Each chapter begins with an
­introduction that provides L E ARNING O B J ECTIVES
an ­overview of the skills and Level 1
­concepts students will learn. Define common Excel error messages
Correct basic formatting problems in a worksheet
Correct errors in formulas
Understand precision vs. display of cell values

Level 2
Applying Fundamental Excel Skills and Tools in Problem Solving Work with multiple
Chapter 1 worksheets
Calculate total, average, minimum, and maximum values with functions
Understand how functions work: syntax, arguments, and algorithms
Chapter Introduction 1
Use the AutoSum feature to perform calculations quickly
Calculate the number of values using both COUNT and COUNTA
Microsoft Excel 2013 provides a variety of tools for designing and working with a
spreadsheet, which is referred to as a worksheet in the Excel application. LevelA3 paper
spreadsheet is a sheet organized into columns and rows. An Excel worksheet is an electronic
Organize a workbook
version of this piece of paper, but Excel provides numerous features and functionsUnderstand
that relative, absolute, and mixed cell referencing
make the worksheet easy and efficient to use. An Excel workbook is a collection of one or formulas with different types of cell references
Write
more worksheets combined into a single file. Copy formulas with different types of cell references
Name a cell or cell range
This chapter presents some of the fundamental skills and tools you’ll encounter when
working with Excel to solve problems and support decision making. You’ll learn how F Uto
NCTIO NS CO VERED IN THIS CHAP TER
write formulas in cells to perform calculations and how to design a workbookAVERAGE
so that these MIN
calculations can be automatically updated when input values are changed. In addition,
COUNT MAX
this chapter discusses some of the formatting options available that can be applied to cells
and ranges of cells. COUNTA SUM

One important, but frequently overlooked, skill is the ability to correct spreadsheet
errors. The more complex the spreadsheet, the more likely that you will encounter errors,
identified by Excel error messages. This chapter explores how to recognize and address
these common mistakes.

Microsoft product screenshots used with permission from Microsoft Corporation.

You will learn about some of the rules that affect how information is displayed and
calculations are performed in an Excel worksheet. The coverage of22formulas includes six
of the most frequently used and simplest functions, which are shortcuts for predefined
tasks. Finally, you will explore the results of copying formulas with different kinds of
cell references. For those unfamiliar with basic spreadsheet terminology and the Excel
interface, be sure to read the Introduction chapter.

Case Scenario This listing offers quick reference

The product design team at TheZone has been assigned the task of bringing to market to the skills that students will be
a new and significantly different athletic shoe. This new shoe, called TZEdge, will
combine the support of superior European footwear with the comfort and styling of Finance
­introduced to in the chapter.
American running shoes. The design team recently created a worksheet containing the
component costs related to manufacturing this new athletic shoe. The product design
team has asked Paul Gomez, a financial analyst for the company, to review the worksheet
for several reasons. First, they want to ensure that it is formatted properly and contains
no errors. Second, they need Paul to perform some cost calculations to determine the
value of different pricing alternatives and to provide feedback on the preliminary budget
and projected revenue. Paul and the product design team can then use the worksheet as A business case about a sporting
an analytical tool, which in turn will help management make sound business decisions
regarding the launch of the new athletic shoe. goods company is used throughout
the Excel text, placing the concepts
covered in a real-life context.
23

xvii
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Editorial review has deemed that any suppressed content does not materially affect the overall learning experience. Cengage Learning reserves the right to remove additional content at any time if subsequent rights restrictions require it.
 Preface Succeeding in Business with Microsoft Excel 2013

Chapter 1 Applying Fundamental Excel Skills and Tools in Problem Solving

L E VEL 1
Identifying and Correcting Common Errors in Formatting and Formulas

Examining a Basic Worksheet for Errors

The product design team is working with Paul and the production engineers to estimate

Chapters contain three levels of

production costs for the TZEdge athletic shoe. Although costs will not be the overriding
factor in the business decision to launch this new shoe, production cost goals must be met
to place the shoe in the correct market niche. After the product design team has all the
information in place, Paul will analyze the costs and make recommendations. complexity. The levels first ­introduce
The product design team started to tabulate the material costs of the TZEdge shoe. Figure 1.1
shows the Excel worksheet developed so far, which is contained in a workbook named
an application concept, then lead
TZEdge Material Costs. To open the workbook file, Paul clicks the FILE tab on the ribbon
and selects Open in the navigation bar of the Backstage view. You can access all commands students through a ­problem-solving
exercise using the software. With
for opening, saving, and printing files from the Backstage view. When you start Excel, the
ribbon with the HOME tab displayed is pinned to the worksheet by default. To minimize
the ribbon, click the Collapse the ribbon button , located in the lower-right corner of the
ribbon. Minimizing the ribbon will give you more work area. The ribbon remains minimized
until you pin it to a worksheet again. To pin the ribbon to the worksheet, click the Pin the
each level, the complexity of
ribbon button , located in the lower-right corner of the ribbon when it displayed.
the material increases, while the
Figure 1.1: Initial worksheet for TZEdge

Worksheet contains Triangle flags a

­exercises become less structured.
no identifying title potential problem

Large, clear figures provide a ­visual

aid to the concepts presented,making
A pinned ribbon
remains displayed
Input area

Number signs indicate

it easy for students to follow along.
a display problem

Output area

Text is not fully

displayed Total is incorrect

Applying Fundamental Excel Skills and Tools in Problem Solving Chapter 1

From your work with Excel, you know that Excel cells can contain numeric values, such
as the number 12 in cell C5; text labels, such as the word Component in cell A2; and
calculated values, such as the total 36 shown in cell D16. As you can see, the worksheet How To 1
24 Change a Cell Reference to an Absolute or Mixed Cell Reference

Level 3
1. Type the cell reference in your formula, or click the cell you want to include in the formula.
2. Type the dollar sign(s) needed to make the cell reference absolute or mixed.

OR
Steps to Success activities within each level offer 1. Type the cell reference in your formula, or click the cell you want to include in the formula.

students the opportunity to apply the skills they 2. Press the F4 function key to add the dollar sign(s) needed to make the cell reference absolute
or mixed. The F4 function key cycles through the display of dollar signs. If you press F4 once,

have learned before moving to the next level.

the cell reference changes to an absolute reference, with dollar signs before both the row
and column. If you press F4 twice, only the row is made absolute, and pressing F4 a third
time makes only the column absolute. Pressing F4 again clears all absolute references to the
cell address.

Naming a Cell or Cell Range

Chapter 10 Troubleshooting Workbooks and Automating Excel Applications Another technique that you can use to refer to a cell as an absolute cell reference is to give
the cell a name. You can name a single cell or a cell range, and then use that name directly
Steps To Success: Level 3 in a formula. To name a cell or range, you first highlight the cell or cells to be named and
then click the Name box, just below the ribbon on the left. If Paul names cell B1 pair,
One of Kiola’s colleagues in HR uses an Excel worksheet to keep track of daily information for example, then instead of using the cell reference $B$1 in the formula, he could write
regarding appointments and visitors expected at the company’s campus. Each morning =pair*B11*C5. Note that range names, unlike text labels, are not enclosed in quotation
this information is printed and distributed to each of the receptionists and administrative marks when used in formulas. If you attempt to use a name that has not been defined,
assistants. The receptionists are given one version and the administrative assistants another. Excel displays the error message #NAME!.
Kiola’s colleague would like your help in creating a macro to print out the worksheet in the
two required formats. To make it easy for anyone to produce the appointment and visitor Writing a Formula to Subtotal the Cost of Goods Sold
lists, HR would like the capability of launching the macro from a shortcut key sequence, The next calculation Paul needs to perform is to subtotal the Cost of Goods Sold (COGS).
a macro button on a custom ribbon tab, and a custom button directly on the worksheet. Paul can write the formula in cell C14 as =SUM(C11:C13). However, because Paul needs
to copy the formula across the row, he must consider whether any absolute cell references
1. Open the workbook named DailyList.xlsx located in the Chapter 10 folder, and are required. In this case, the cost values for each pricing alternative needs to change, so
save the file as the macro-enabled workbook DailyList_Monday.xlsm. If the the cell references are relative and no dollar signs are required.
DEVELOPER tab is not already visible, add it to the ribbon.
TROUBLESHOOTING: In order to complete this step, the macro settings on Best Practice
your computer must be enabled. If you receive a Security Warning saying macros Using Absolute Cell References Appropriately
have been disabled or the file can’t be saved as a macro-enabled workbook, open the When you copy a formula both down a column and across a row, the placement of the absolute
Trust Center to check the macro security settings. If you don’t have access to the sign ($) is critical, or the incorrect values will result. When copying in only one direction, either
Trust Center, contact your instructor or computer support person for assistance. across a row or down a column, often the addition of extra absolute signs will not affect the
2. Enter your name and current data in the cells highlighted in yellow. calculated outcome, but they can result in less efficient and confusing formulas. For example,
you might be tempted to write the formula =SUM(C11:C13) as =SUM(C$11:C$13) because you
3. Plan the macro steps and then record the macro, naming it PrintText, and saving
want the column references to change, but you do not want the row references to change when
it in the current workbook. Assign the macro to the Ctrl+Shift+F shortcut key
the formula is copied across the row. However, when you are only copying a formula across a
combination. Enter a description for the macro. Perform the following steps while
recording the macro:
For the first printout, specify:
63
• Custom header with Visitors – Admin List in the top center and page number
on the top right
• Landscape orientation
• Print document to default printer (printer currently selected)
For the second printout and to reset the worksheet, make the following modifications:
• Hide columns G and H
•
•
Change the custom header to Visitors – Receptionist List
Set the orientation to Portrait Best Practice boxes offer tips to help
•
•
Print the document to the default printer
Unhide columns G and H students become more efficient users
4. Run the macro to test it. If it doesn’t perform all the tasks you planned, re-record
the macro using the same name. (Hint: You must enter a new shortcut key because
of the application.
Ctrl+Shift+F has already been assigned to the first macro you recorded.)
5. Add a custom button on the Monday worksheet with the label PRINT VISITOR
LISTS to run the macro. Place it at the top of the worksheet around columns F and G.

How To boxes offer a quick ­reference

to the steps needed to complete
662

­certain tasks.
Troubleshooting paragraphs offer tips and hints
to help students work more efficiently and avoid
errors as they work through the steps.

xviii
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Editorial review has deemed that any suppressed content does not materially affect the overall learning experience. Cengage Learning reserves the right to remove additional content at any time if subsequent rights restrictions require it.
 Succeeding in Business with Microsoft Excel 2013 Preface

Chapter 10 Troubleshooting Workbooks and Automating Excel Applications

8. Describe two ways to document information in a workbook.

9. Explain the difference between precedent and dependent cells.

10. What are false positives and false negatives, and which are harder to detect in worksheets?

11. What is a macro? How could you use one in an Excel workbook?

12. Identify three ways to run a macro in Excel.

Business-focused case problems provide additional
13. What is the difference between saving a macro to the current workbook versus a practice for the problem-solving concepts and skills
personal macro workbook?
14. What is VBA?
presented in each level.
15. What is the first line of VBA code in a macro?

16. What is the major difference between an Excel workbook with an .xlsx filename
extension and an .xlsm extension?

Case Problems

Level 1 – Troubleshooting Formulas and Data Entry in a Payroll Data The Chapter Summary provides a brief
Workbook for Irene’s Scrapbooking World
review of the lessons in the chapter.
Similar to other small businesses, Irene’s Scrapbooking World outsources the processing
of its payroll to its accounting firm. Twice per month, Irene Watson, the owner of
Human Irene’s Scrapbooking World, creates a workbook that contains her employees’ payroll
Resources information to send to the accounting firm of Wipson & Lynn, LLP. Wipson & Lynn
then uses that information to prepare the paychecks for the employees and calculate
Irene’s Scrapbooking World’s payroll liabilities to the government and other entities, and
to prepare its payroll-related reports, such as the Federal 941 forms.
Troubleshooting Workbooks and Automating Excel Applications Chapter 10
Wipson & Lynn charges Irene based on the number of paychecks it processes for her
company. A number of Irene’s payroll-related workbooks have contained data-entry 6. Add a macro button named Print Visitor List to a new ribbon tab named CUSTOM
errors that the firm’s personnel had to fix before it could process the payroll. Wipson & in a group called Macros. Place this new ribbon tab at the end of all existing tabs.
Lynn also charges Irene for the time it takes to track down and fix those errors. Add the command buttons to Hide Columns and to Unhide Columns in this ribbon
group. (Hint: Search for the commands Hide Columns and Unhide Columns from
Irene has asked you to use the Excel data validation and protection tools to troubleshoot the All Commands list.)
the current payroll workbook and set up the workbook to help prevent errors from 7. Save the workbook, and then test the macro buttons.
occurring in the future.
8. View the code in the Visual Basic Editor. Copy the code starting from the beginning
(Sub) until the first End With statement. (Hint: Select the code to highlight it and
then use Ctrl+C to copy the code to the Clipboard.) Exit the VBA Editor, and then
paste (press Ctrl+V) the code onto a new worksheet named code.
9. Save and close the DailyList_Monday.xlsm workbook.

Chapter Summary
664
This chapter explored creating error-free Excel applications that function as decision support
systems. In Level 1, you customized an Excel application so that others can easily use it. You
validated data entry and protected the worksheet structure. You also provided thorough
documentation for users, including a documentation worksheet and cell comments.

In Level 2, you audited formulas and evaluated error messages in cells using the Excel
formula auditing tools to trace and correct errors. In Level 3, you automated a workbook 10
The Case scenario for the Level 3 problem by creating and running a macro. You made the macro easy to use by assigning it to a

Chapter Exercises
custom button that users can click to run the macro and learned how to customize and

builds through the text, giving students the insert ribbon tabs, groups, and command buttons. Finally, you viewed the Visual Basic
Editor window to get a better understanding of how a macro works.

opportunity to build a portfolio of projects. Conceptual Review

1. What is a decision support system?

2. Data validation can be used to minimize this type of mistake when creating Excel
applications.
3. What is a data validation rule? When would you use the Circle Invalid Data feature?
Chapter 5 Retrieving Data for Computation, Analysis, and Reference 4. What is the difference between an input message and an error alert in the context of
Excel data validation?
6. Airline tickets are assigned a fare category based on the base fare ticket price
(column G) and the categories listed on the Fees worksheet. In cell I3, write a formula 5. What style of error alert prevents a user from storing an invalid entry in a worksheet?
that determines the fare category for this ticket. Copy the formula to cells I4:I6. 6. Explain the two basic steps you must perform to protect the contents of a worksheet.
7. The Discounts worksheet contains a two-dimensional table that has been set up
7. What feature can be used to prevent users from inserting, deleting, or renaming
to find the discount category of a ticket based on the weekday of travel and the worksheets in a workbook?
fare category. In cell J3, write a formula that determines the discount category for
this ticket. Copy the formula to cells J4:J6.
8. In a separate area of the Discounts worksheet, create a horizontal lookup table based
on the following discount information: 663

• Fare discount category AA: 0% discount of the published base fare

• Fare discount category X: 25% discount of the published base fare
• Fare discount category Y: 50% discount of the published base fare
• Fare discount category Z: 65% discount of the published base fare

9. In cell K3 of the Requests worksheet, write a formula that determines the discounted
fare price (base fare minus discount) of this flight using the table you created in the
Discounts worksheet. Fares should be rounded to the nearest dollar. (Hint: Do not
use an IF function.) Copy this formula to cells K4:K6.
Conceptual Review questions provide a brief review
10. In cell L3, calculate the airport fee based on the fee schedule in the Fees worksheet.
Note that the airport fee is based on the discounted fare. Copy this formula to
cells L4:L6.
of key concepts covered throughout the chapter.
11. In cell M3, calculate the total ticket price that America Travels can obtain (discounted
fare plus airport fees). Copy this formula to cells M4:M6.
12. In cell N3, compare the America Travels total ticket price to the corporate fare that
Convertto found. Return a TRUE value if the America Travels price is less than the
corporate fare Convertto was offered. Copy this formula to cells N4:N6.
13. Format your worksheet so that it is easy to read and understand.

14. Save and close the Convertto Travel Quotes.xlsx workbook.

Level 3 – Creating a Cost Estimate Form for CKG Auto

As part of its product line, CKG Auto has nine basic models, each with different options Each case problem focuses on a specific
$
­business ­discipline, such as accounting, finance,
and features. Although many car buyers are concerned about the initial cost of a car,
Sales customers are also becoming increasingly concerned about the yearly operating expenses
they can expect. They frequently want to compare two or more purchase options to see
how much a car costs to run each year. Although they might be willing to spend an extra
$5,000 to purchase a sports utility vehicle or luxury car with many options, customers
marketing,sales, and operations management.
might reconsider when they calculate the annual cost of gas and insurance. Marginal icons representing each discipline make
it easy to see which disciplines are covered in each
case problem.
354

xix
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Editorial review has deemed that any suppressed content does not materially affect the overall learning experience. Cengage Learning reserves the right to remove additional content at any time if subsequent rights restrictions require it.
 Preface Succeeding in Business with Microsoft Excel 2013

About the Authors

Debra Gross
Debra is a former faculty member at The Ohio State University in the department of
Computer Science and Engineering. During her tenure, she taught students to use business
software tools, such as Microsoft Excel, for problem solving. Prior to teaching, Debra
spent 17 years in the corporate world in various aspects of capital project management and
business process redesign in the food and chemical industries. She has co-authored several
books and a series of case study problems. Debra currently teaches at the Ohio State
University in the department of Computer Science and Engineering where she is also the
Course Coordinator for several classes teaching the use of spreadsheet and databases to
solve problems. Debra received her MBA from the University of Chicago Graduate School
of Business in Finance and Accounting and an S.B. from MIT in Chemical Engineering.

Frank Akaiwa
Indiana University
Frank E. Akaiwa has been teaching in the Kelley School of Business at Indiana University
since 1997. He holds degrees from Tennessee Technological University and Indiana
University. Prior to teaching at Indiana University, Mr. Akaiwa worked as a civilian engineer
for the U. S. Navy. Bringing together his engineering and operations background with
his affinity for technology, Mr. Akaiwa has thoroughly enjoyed helping students learn
how to apply technology to contemporary business situations. Many of the ideas and
concepts presented in this textbook were developed to help students move beyond simple
“point and click” usages of computer applications. The author resides in Bloomington,
IN with his wife, Carolyn Cooke, their three children, Jonathon, Benjamin, and Abigail,
a menagerie of animals, and a closet full of old computers.

Karleen Nordquist
Smarthinking, Inc.
Karleen Nordquist has been tutoring Accounting and Finance topics for post-secondary
students through Smarthinking, Inc., since 2000. She also has over a dozen years of
experience teaching information systems and business-related courses, and enjoys reading
and learning about technology of all forms. Teaching and learning is in Ms. Nordquist’s
blood, as she comes from a family rife with educators. She also works as an accounting
and information systems analyst and consultant. Ms. Nordquist has earned degrees at
Minnesota State University Moorhead and the University of North Dakota. Prior to
entering the teaching profession, she worked in public accounting and as an auditor.

xx
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Editorial review has deemed that any suppressed content does not materially affect the overall learning experience. Cengage Learning reserves the right to remove additional content at any time if subsequent rights restrictions require it.
 Succeeding in Business with Microsoft Excel 2013 Preface

Author Acknowledgements

Our thanks to the many people at Cengage Learning for helping us to make the third
edition of this text such a success, including Marah Bellegarde, Senior Director of
Development; Donna Gridley, Senior Product Team Manager; Amanda Lyons, Associate
Product Manager; Leigh Hefferon, Senior Product Development Manager; Chris Scriver
and Jeff Schwartz, MQA Project Leads; and our Developmental Editor, Jane Pedicini. We
would also like to single out the following people at Cengage Learning in appreciation of
their excellent work in support of this book: Julia Leroux-Lindsey, Content Developer;
Elinor Gregory, Brand Manager; Kristie Clark and Gretchen Swann, Market Development
Managers; Danielle Shaw, John Freitas, Serge Palladino, Susan Pedicini, and Susan
Whalen, QA Testers; and Melissa Stehler, Product Assistant. Finally, we want to thank our
reviewers, Pat Weaver and John Reynolds, for their invaluable feedback. You helped make
the content better and accurate.

— Debra Gross
— Frank Akaiwa
— Karleen Nordquist

A special thank you to my husband, Dan, for his patience and sound advice while
I worked on this book and to my children, Michael and Naomi, for encouraging their
mom. Thank you to my colleagues at The Ohio State University, including Michelle
Mallon, Kathryn Reeves, and Kat Wenger, for their continued assistance and support.
And, finally, a thank you to our wonderful content developer, Jane Pedicini.
— Debby

Carolyn, you are the love of my life; thank you for your love and patience through
this journey. Without your help, I never would have found the time for this project. To
my children, Abigail, Benjamin, and Jonathon, thank you for allowing me to spend many
nights and weekends working instead of paying attention to you. Now, it is time to step
away from my computer and go on some family trips!
— Frank

I would very much like to thank Richard and Edna Nordquist and the rest of my
family for all their continual love, prayers, and support.
—Karleen

xxi
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Editorial review has deemed that any suppressed content does not materially affect the overall learning experience. Cengage Learning reserves the right to remove additional content at any time if subsequent rights restrictions require it.
 Introduction to Problem Solving
and Decision Making with
Microsoft Excel 2013
“We are continuously faced by great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble
problems.”
—Lee Iacocca

LEARNING OBJECTIVES
Understand concepts related to problem solving and decision making
Identify the different steps in the problem-solving process
Explain the role Excel can play in problem solving and decision making
Describe how problem solving is presented in this text
Explore the basics of Excel 2013

Microsoft product screenshots used with permission from Microsoft Corporation.

2
Copyright 2014 Cengage Learning. All Rights Reserved. May not be copied, scanned, or duplicated, in whole or in part. Due to electronic rights, some third party content may be suppressed from the eBook and/or eChapter(s).
Editorial review has deemed that any suppressed content does not materially affect the overall learning experience. Cengage Learning reserves the right to remove additional content at any time if subsequent rights restrictions require it.
 Introduction to Problem Solving with Microsoft Excel 2013

About This Book and Microsoft Office Excel 2013

The traditional study of computer applications has mostly involved acquiring skills related
to an application’s features and functions. Although this approach is important in teaching
the mechanics required to perform certain tasks, it does not address when a particular tool
is most appropriate or how it should best be used to solve a specific problem.

Introduction
This book focuses on teaching how to solve problems using Microsoft Excel 2013, although
the concepts and tasks presented could apply to a variety of computer applications and
programming languages. Excel is widely used in business as a tool for solving problems
and supporting decision making. There are two perceptions of Excel to consider: one is
that Excel is the obvious extension of the desktop calculator into the personal computer;
the other is that Excel is a powerful tool for the manipulation and analysis of data. Data
is usually analyzed to provide support for deciding whether or not to take some course of
action—a decision. Not all decisions require a spreadsheet for analysis, but many of the
complexities faced in business are made simpler and easier to understand when a tool like
Excel is employed properly. This book helps you learn what kinds of problems are best
solved using spreadsheets and how to solve them; however, for in-depth exploration of
effective decision making, further study is recommended. One of the main goals of this
book is that you will “learn how to learn,” becoming confident in your own ability to
explore new Excel features and tools to solve problems and support your decisions.

When you work with Excel, using the correct tools can greatly increase your ability to
deal with not only the immediate problem presented, but also the inevitable “what-if”
analysis. One example of how an organization might perform what-if analysis is with a
financial model of its business in a spreadsheet. The model summarizes various pieces of
financial data to determine information such as assets, liabilities, sales, and profitability—
creating a representation or model of the organization in the spreadsheet. In this example,
the spreadsheet could be used to evaluate what would happen if:

• The organization cut sales prices by 5%.

• The sales volume increased by 10%.
• The organization improved its inventory turnover by 8%.
• The organization issued $1,000,000 in bonds.

Using a spreadsheet allows the organization to quickly change various inputs (think of
these as independent variables in a mathematical equation) and see what happens to the
outputs (think of these as dependent variables in a mathematical equation). The ability to
model the potential impacts of decisions before they are made is very valuable in today’s
complex business environment. As a result, many organizations spend hundreds of hours
building models in spreadsheets. Of course, a model is limited by the detail and quality of
the data used to build it.

3
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Editorial review has deemed that any suppressed content does not materially affect the overall learning experience. Cengage Learning reserves the right to remove additional content at any time if subsequent rights restrictions require it.
Discovering Diverse Content Through
Random Scribd Documents
necessity shut my doors, had I not a very great trade. The reason,
said my friend (with a sneer), is admirable.
There are a great many retailers who falsely imagine that being
historical (the modern phrase for lying) is much for their advantage;
and some of them have a saying, that it is a pity lying is a sin, it is
so useful in trade; though if they would examine into the reason why
a number of shopkeepers raise considerable estates, while others
who have set out with better fortunes have become bankrupts, they
would find that the former made up with truth, diligence, and
probity, what they were deficient of in stock; while the latter have
been found guilty of imposing on such customers as they found had
no skill in the quality of their goods.
The former character raises a credit which supplies the want of
fortune, and their fair dealing brings them customers; whereas none
will return to buy of him by whom he has been once imposed upon.
If people in trade would judge rightly, we might buy blindfolded, and
they would save, both to themselves and customers, the
unpleasantness of haggling.
Though there are numbers of shopkeepers who scorn the mean vice
of lying, and whose word may very safely be relied on, yet there are
too many who will endeavour, and backing their falsities with
asseverations, pawn their salvation to raise their prices.
As example works more than precept, and my sole view being the
good and interest of my countrymen, whom I could wish to see
without any vice or folly, I shall offer an example of the veneration
bestowed on truth and abhorrence of falsehood among the ancients.
Augustus, triumphing over Mark Antony and Cleopatra, among other
captives who accompanied them, brought to Rome a priest of about
sixty years old; the senate being informed that this man had never
been detected in a falsehood, and was believed never to have told a
lie, not only restored him to liberty, but made him a high priest, and
caused a statue to be erected to his honour. The priest thus
honoured was an Egyptian, and an enemy to Rome, but his virtue
removed all obstacles.
Pamphilius was a Roman citizen, whose body upon his death was
forbidden sepulture, his estate was confiscated, his house razed, and
his wife and children banished the Roman territories, wholly for his
having been a notorious and inveterate liar.
Could there be greater demonstrations of respect for truth than
these of the Romans, who elevated an enemy to the greatest
honours, and exposed the family of a citizen to the greatest
contumely?
There can be no excuse for lying, neither is there anything equally
despicable and dangerous as a liar, no man being safe who
associates with him; for he who will lie will swear to it, says the
proverb; and such a one may endanger my life, turn my family out
of doors, and ruin my reputation, whenever he shall find it his
interest; and if a man will lie and swear to it in his shop to obtain a
trifle, why should we doubt his doing so when he may hope to make
a fortune by his perjury? The crime is in itself so mean, that to call a
man a liar is esteemed everywhere an affront not to be forgiven.
If any have lenity enough to allow the dealers an excuse for this bad
practice, I believe they will allow none for the gentleman who is
addicted to this vice; and must look upon him with contempt. That
the world does so, is visible by the derision with which his name is
treated whenever it is mentioned.
The philosopher Epimenides gave the Rhodians this description of
Truth. She is the companion of the gods, the joy of heaven, the light
of the earth, the pedestal of justice, and the basis of good policy.
Eschines told the same people, that truth was a virtue without which
force was enfeebled, justice corrupted; humility became
dissimulation, patience intolerable, chastity a dissembler, liberty lost,
and pity superfluous.
Pharmanes the philosopher told the Romans that truth was the
centre on which all things rested: a chart to sail by, a remedy for all
evils, and a light to the whole world.
Anaxarchus, speaking of truth, said it was health incapable of
sickness, life not subject to death, an elixir that healeth all, a sun not
to be obscured, a moon without eclipse, an herb which never
withereth, a gate that is never closed, and a path which never
fatigues the traveller.
But if we are blind to the beauties of truth, it is astonishing that we
should not open our eyes to the inconvenience of falsity. A man
given to romance must be always on his guard, for fear of
contradicting and exposing himself to derision; for the most
historical would avoid the odious character, though it is impossible,
with the utmost circumspection, to travel long on this route without
detection, and shame and confusion follow. Whereas he who is a
votary of truth never hesitates for an answer, has never to rack his
invention to make the sequel quadrate with the beginning of his
story, nor obliged to burden his memory with minute circumstances,
since truth speaks easily what it recollects, and repeats openly and
frequently without varying facts, which liars cannot always do, even
though gifted with a good memory.
[3] Truth is brighter than light.

N E C E SSA RY H I N TS TO T H O S E T H AT W O U L D
BE RICH.

Written Anno 1736.

The use of money is all the advantage there is in having money.
For six pounds a year you may have the use of one hundred pounds,
provided you are a man of known prudence and honesty.
He that spends a groat a day idly, spends idly above six pounds a
year, which is the price for the use of one hundred pounds.
He that wastes idly a groat's worth of his time per day, one day with
another, wastes the privilege of using one hundred pounds each day.
He that idly loses five shillings' worth of time, loses five shillings, and
might as prudently throw five shillings into the sea.
He that loses five shillings, not only loses that sum, but all the
advantage that might be made by turning it in dealing, which, by the
time that a young man becomes old, will amount to a considerable
sum of money.
Again: he that sells upon credit, asks a price for what he sells
equivalent to the principal and interest of his money for the time he
is to be kept out of it; therefore, he that buys upon credit pays
interest for what he buys, and he that pays ready money might let
that money out to use: so that he that possesses anything he
bought, pays interest for the use of it.
Yet, in buying goods, it is best to pay ready money, because he that
sells upon credit expects to lose five per cent. by bad debts;
therefore he charges, on all he sells upon credit, an advance that
shall make up that deficiency.
Those who pay for what they buy upon credit, pay their share of this
advance.
He that pays ready money escapes, or may escape, that charge.

A penny saved is twopence clear,

A pin a day's a groat a year.

T H E WAY TO M A K E M O N E Y P L E N TY I N
E V E RY M A N ' S P O C K E T.
At this time, when the general complaint is that "money is scarce," it
will be an act of kindness to inform the moneyless how they may re-
enforce their pockets. I will acquaint them with the true secret of
money-catching, the certain way to fill empty purses, and how to
keep them always full. Two simple rules, well observed, will do the
business.
First, let honesty and industry be thy constant companions; and,
Secondly, spend one penny less than thy clear gains.
Then shall thy hidebound pocket soon begin to thrive, and will never
again cry with the empty bellyache: neither will creditors insult thee,
nor want oppress, nor hunger bite, nor nakedness freeze thee. The
whole hemisphere will shine brighter, and pleasure spring up in
every corner of thy heart. Now, therefore, embrace these rules and
be happy. Banish the bleak winds of sorrow from thy mind and live
independent. Then shalt thou be a man and not hide thy face at the
approach of the rich nor suffer the pain of feeling little when the
sons of fortune walk at thy right hand: for independence, whether
with little or much, is good fortune and placeth thee on even ground
with the proudest of the golden fleece. Oh, then, be wise, and let
industry walk with thee in the morning, and attend thee until thou
reachest the evening hour for rest. Let honesty be as the breath of
thy soul, and never forget to have a penny when all thy expenses
are enumerated and paid: then shalt thou reach the point of
happiness, and independence shall be thy shield and buckler, thy
helmet and crown; then shall thy soul walk upright, nor stoop to the
silken wretch because he hath riches, nor pocket an abuse because
the hand which offers it wears a ring set with diamonds.

THE HANDSOME AND DEFORMED LEG.

There are two sorts of people in the world, who, with equal degrees
of health and wealth, and the other comforts of life, become, the
one happy and the other miserable. This arises very much from the
different views in which they consider things, persons, and events,
and the effect of those different views upon their own minds.
In whatever situation men can be placed, they may find
conveniences and inconveniences; in whatever company, they may
find persons and conversation more or less pleasing; at whatever
table, they may meet with meats and drinks of better and worse
taste, dishes better and worse dressed; in whatever climate, they
will find good and bad weather; under whatever government, they
may find good and bad laws, and good and bad administration of
those laws; in whatever poem or work of genius, they may see faults
and beauties; in almost every face and every person, they may
discover fine features and defects, good and bad qualities.
Under these circumstances, the two sorts of people above
mentioned fix their attention, those who are disposed to be happy
on the conveniences of things, the pleasant parts of conversation,
the well-dressed dishes, the goodness of the wines, the fine
weather, &c., and enjoy all with cheerfulness. Those who are to be
unhappy, think and speak only of the contraries. Hence they are
continually discontented themselves, and by their remarks sour the
pleasures of society, offend personally many people, and make
themselves everywhere disagreeable. If this turn of mind was
founded in nature, such unhappy persons would be the more to be
pitied. But as the disposition to criticise and to be disgusted is,
perhaps, taken up originally by imitation, and is, unawares, grown
into a habit, which, though at present strong, may nevertheless be
cured; when those who have it are convinced of its bad effects on
their felicity, I hope this little admonition may be of service to them,
and put them on changing a habit which, though in the exercise it is
chiefly an act of imagination, yet has serious consequences in life, as
it brings on real griefs and misfortunes. For, as many are offended
by, and nobody loves this sort of people, no one shows them more
than the most common civility and respect, and scarcely that; and
this frequently puts them out of humour, and draws them into
disputes and contentions. If they aim at obtaining some advantage
in rank or fortune, nobody wishes them success, or will stir a step or
speak a word to favour their pretensions. If they incur public censure
or disgrace, no one will defend or excuse, and many join to
aggravate their misconduct, and render them completely odious. If
these people will not change this bad habit, and condescend to be
pleased with what is pleasing, without fretting themselves and
others about the contraries, it is good for others to avoid an
acquaintance with them, which is always disagreeable, and
sometimes very inconvenient, especially when one finds one's self
entangled in their quarrels.
An old philosophical friend of mine was grown, from experience,
very cautious in this particular, and carefully avoided any intimacy
with such people. He had, like other philosophers, a thermometer to
show him the heat of the weather, and a barometer to mark when it
was likely to prove good or bad; but there being no instrument
invented to discover, at first sight, this unpleasing disposition in a
person, he for that purpose made use of his legs; one of which was
remarkably handsome, the other, by some accident, crooked and
deformed. If a stranger, at the first interview, regarded his ugly leg
more than his handsome one, he doubted him. If he spoke of it, and
took no notice of the handsome leg, that was sufficient to determine
my philosopher to have no farther acquaintance with him. Everybody
has not this two-legged instrument; but every one, with a little
attention, may observe signs of that carping, fault-finding
disposition, and take the same resolution of avoiding the
acquaintance of those infected with it. I therefore advise those
critical, querulous, discontented, unhappy people, that, if they wish
to be respected and beloved by others and happy in themselves,
they should leave off looking at the ugly leg.
 O N H U M A N VA N I TY.

Mr. Franklin, Meeting with the following curious little piece the other
day, I send it to you to republish, as it is now in very few hands.
There is something so elegant in the imagination, conveyed in so
delicate a style, and accompanied with a moral so just and elevated,
that it must yield great pleasure and instruction to every mind of real
taste and virtue.
Cicero, in the first of his Tusculan questions, finely exposes the vain
judgment we are apt to form of human life compared with eternity.
In illustrating this argument, he quotes a passage of natural history
from Aristotle, concerning a species of insects on the banks of the
river Hypanis, that never outlive the day in which they are born.
To pursue the thought of this elegant writer, let us suppose one of
the most robust of these Hypanians, so famed in history, was in a
manner coeval with time itself; that he began to exist at break of
day, and that, from the uncommon strength of his constitution, he
has been able to show himself active in life, through the numberless
minutes of ten or twelve hours. Through so long a series of seconds,
he must have acquired vast wisdom in his way, from observation and
experience.
He looks upon his fellow-creatures who died about noon to be
happily delivered from the many inconveniences of old age; and can,
perhaps, recount to his great grandson a surprising tradition of
actions before any records of their nation were extant. The young
swarm of Hypanians, who may be advanced one hour in life,
approach his person with respect, and listen to his improving
discourse. Everything he says will seem wonderful to their short lived
generation. The compass of a day will be esteemed the whole
duration of time; and the first dawn of light will, in their chronology,
be styled the great era of their creation.
Let us now suppose this venerable insect, this Nestor of Hypania,
should, a little before his death, and about sunset, send for all his
descendants, his friends and his acquaintances, out of the desire he
may have to impart his last thoughts to them, and to admonish them
with his departing breath. They meet, perhaps, under the spacious
shelter of a mushroom, and the dying sage addresses himself to
them after the following manner:
"Friends and fellow-citizens! I perceive the longest life must,
however, end: the period of mine is now at hand; neither do I repine
at my fate, since my great age has become a burden to me, and
there is nothing new to me under the sun: the changes and
revolutions I have seen in my country, the manifold private
misfortunes to which we are all liable, the fatal diseases incident to
our race, have abundantly taught me this lesson, that no happiness
can be secure and lasting which is placed in things that are out of
our power. Great is the uncertainty of life! A whole brood of our
infants have perished in a moment by a keen blast! Shoals of our
straggling youth have been swept into the ocean by an unexpected
breeze! What wasteful desolation have we not suffered from the
deluge of a sudden shower! Our strongest holds are not proof
against a storm of hail, and even a dark cloud damps the very
stoutest heart.
"I have lived in the first ages, and conversed with insects of a larger
size and stronger make, and, I must add, of greater virtue than any
can boast of in the present generation. I must conjure you to give
yet further credit to my latest words, when I assure you that yonder
sun, which now appears westward, beyond the water, and seems not
to be far distant from the earth, in my remembrance stood in the
middle of the sky, and shot his beams directly down upon us. The
world was much more enlightened in those ages, and the air much
warmer. Think it not dotage in me if I affirm that glorious being
moves: I saw his first setting out in the east, and I began my race of
life near the time when he began his immense career. He has for
several ages advanced along the sky with vast heat and unparalleled
brightness; but now, by his declination and a sensible decay, more
especially of late, in his vigour, I foresee that all nature must fall in a
little time, and that the creation will lie buried in darkness in less
than a century of minutes.
"Alas! my friends, how did I once flatter myself with the hopes of
abiding here forever! how magnificent are the cells which I hollowed
out for myself! what confidence did I repose in the firmness and
spring of my joints, and in the strength of my pinions! But I have
lived long enough to nature, and even to glory. Neither will any of
you, whom I leave behind, have equal satisfaction in life, in the dark
declining age which I see is already begun."
Thus far this agreeable unknown writer—too agreeable, we may
hope, to remain always concealed. The fine allusion to the character
of Julius Cæsar, whose words he has put into the mouth of this
illustrious son of Hypanis, is perfectly just and beautiful, and aptly
points out the moral of this inimitable piece, the design of which
would have been quite perverted, had a virtuous character, a Cato or
a Cicero, been made choice of to have been turned into ridicule. Had
this life of a day been represented as employed in the exercise of
virtue, it would have an equal dignity with a life of any limited
duration, and, according to the exalted sentiments of Tully, would
have been preferable to an immortality filled with all the pleasures of
sense, if void of those of a higher kind: but as the views of this
vainglorious insect were confined within the narrow circle of his own
existence, as he only boasts the magnificent cells he has built and
the length of happiness he has enjoyed, he is the proper emblem of
all such insects of the human race, whose ambition does not extend
beyond the like narrow limits; and notwithstanding the splendour
they appear in at present, they will no more deserve the regard of
posterity than the butterflies of the last spring. In vain has history
been taken up in describing the numerous swarms of this
mischievous species which has infested the earth in the successive
ages: now it is worth the inquiry of the virtuous, whether the Rhine
or the Adige may not, perhaps, swarm with them at present, as
much as the banks of the Hypanis; or whether that silver rivulet, the
Thames, may not show a specious molehill, covered with inhabitants
of the like dignity and importance. The busy race of beings attached
to these fleeting enjoyments are indeed all of them engaged in the
pursuit of happiness, and it is owing to their imperfect notions of it
that they stop so far short in their pursuit. The present prospect of
pleasure seems to bound their views, and the more distant scenes of
happiness, when what they now propose shall be attained, do not
strike their imagination. It is a great stupidity or thoughtlessness not
to perceive that the happiness of rational creatures is inseparably
connected with immortality. Creatures only endowed with sensation
may in a low sense be reputed happy, so long as their sensations are
pleasing; and if these pleasing sensations are commensurate with
the time of their existence, this measure of happiness is complete.
But such beings as are endowed with thought and reflection cannot
be made happy by any limited term of happiness, how great soever
its duration may be. The more exquisite and more valuable their
enjoyments are, the more painful must be the thought that they are
to have an end; and this pain of expectation must be continually
increasing, the nearer the end approaches. And if these beings are
themselves immortal, and yet insecure of the continuance of their
happiness, the case is far worse, since an eternal void of delight, if
not to say a state of misery, must succeed. It would be here of no
moment, whether the time of their happiness were measured by
days or hours, by months or years, or by periods of the most
immeasurable length: these swiftly-flowing streams bear no
proportion to that ocean of infinity where they must finish their
course. The longest duration of finite happiness avails nothing when
it is past: nor can the memory of it have any other effect than to
renew a perpetual pining after pleasures never to return; and since
virtue is the only pledge and security of a happy immortality, the
folly of sacrificing it to any temporal advantage, how important
soever they may appear, must be infinitely great, and cannot but
leave behind it an eternal regret.
 O N S M U G G L I N G , A N D I TS VA R I O U S
S P E C I E S.

Sir,—There are many people that would be thought, and even think
themselves, honest men, who fail nevertheless in particular points of
honesty; deviating from that character sometimes by the prevalence
of mode or custom, and sometimes through mere inattention, so
that their honesty is partial only, and not general or universal. Thus
one who would scorn to overreach you in a bargain, shall make no
scruple of tricking you a little now and then at cards: another, that
plays with the utmost fairness, shall with great freedom cheat you in
the sale of a horse. But there is no kind of dishonesty into which
otherwise good people more easily and frequently fall, than that of
defrauding government of its revenues by smuggling when they
have an opportunity, or encouraging smugglers by buying their
goods.
I fell into these reflections the other day, on hearing two gentlemen
of reputation discoursing about a small estate, which one of them
was inclined to sell and the other to buy; when the seller, in
recommending the place, remarked, that its situation was very
advantageous on this account, that, being on the seacoast in a
smuggling country, one had frequent opportunities of buying many
of the expensive articles used in a family (such as tea, coffee,
chocolate, brandy, wines, cambrics, Brussels laces, French silks, and
all kinds of India goods) 20, 30, and, in some articles, 50 per cent.
cheaper than they could be had in the more interior parts, of traders
that paid duty. The other honest gentleman allowed this to be an
advantage, but insisted that the seller, in the advanced price he
demanded on that account, rated the advantage much above its
value. And neither of them seemed to think dealing with smugglers a
practice that an honest man (provided he got his goods cheap) had
the least reason to be ashamed of.
At a time when the load of our public debt, and the heavy expense
of maintaining our fleets and armies to be ready for our defence on
occasion, makes it necessary not only to continue old taxes, but
often to look out for new ones, perhaps it may not be unuseful to
state this matter in a light that few seem to have considered it in.
The people of Great Britain, under the happy constitution of this
country, have a privilege few other countries enjoy, that of choosing
the third branch of the legislature, which branch has alone the
power of regulating their taxes. Now, whenever the government
finds it necessary for the common benefit, advantage, and safety of
the nation, for the security of our liberties, property, religion, and
everything that is dear to us, that certain sums shall be yearly raised
by taxes, duties, &c., and paid into the public treasury, thence to be
dispensed by government for those purposes, ought not every
honest man freely and willingly to pay his just proportion of this
necessary expense? Can he possibly preserve a right to that
character, if by fraud, stratagem, or contrivance, he avoids that
payment in whole or in part?
What should we think of a companion who, having supped with his
friends at a tavern, and partaken equally of the joys of the evening
with the rest of us, would nevertheless contrive by some artifice to
shift his share of the reckoning upon others, in order to go off scot-
free? If a man who practised this would, when detected, be deemed
and called a scoundrel, what ought he to be called who can enjoy all
the inestimable benefits of public society, and yet, by smuggling or
dealing with smugglers, contrive to evade paying his just share of
the expense, as settled by his own representatives in parliament,
and wrongfully throw it upon his honest and, perhaps, much poorer
neighbours? He will, perhaps, be ready to tell me that he does not
wrong his neighbours; he scorns the imputation; he only cheats the
king a little, who is very able to bear it. This, however, is a mistake.
The public treasure is the treasure of the nation, to be applied to
national purposes. And when a duty is laid for a particular public and
necessary purpose, if, through smuggling, that duty falls short of
raising the sum required, and other duties must therefore be laid to
make up the deficiency, all the additional sum laid by the new duties
and paid by other people, though it should amount to no more than
a halfpenny or a farthing per head, is so much actually picked out of
the pockets of those other people by the smugglers and their
abettors and encouragers. Are they, then, any better or other than
pickpockets? and what mean, low, rascally pickpockets must those
be that can pick pockets for halfpence and for farthings?
I would not, however, be supposed to allow, in what I have just said,
that cheating the king is a less offence against honesty than
cheating the public. The king and the public, in this case, are
different names for the same thing; but if we consider the king
distinctly it will not lessen the crime: it is no justification of a
robbery, that the person robbed was rich and able to bear it. The
king has as much right to justice as the meanest of his subjects; and
as he is truly the common father of his people, those that rob him
fall under the Scripture we pronounced against the son that robbeth
his father and saith it is no sin.
Mean as this practice is, do we not daily see people of character and
fortune engaged in it for trifling advantages to themselves? Is any
lady ashamed to request of a gentleman of her acquaintance, that,
when he returns from abroad, he would smuggle her home a piece
of silk or lace from France or Flanders? Is any gentleman ashamed
to undertake and execute the commission? Not in the least. They will
talk of it freely, even before others whose pockets they are thus
contriving to pick by this piece of knavery.
Among other branches of the revenue, that of the post office is, by a
late law, appropriated to the discharge of our public debt, to defray
the expenses of the state. None but members of parliament and a
few public officers have now a right to avoid, by a frank, the
payment of postage. When any letter, not written by them or on
their business, is franked by any of them, it is a hurt to the revenue,
an injury which they must now take the pains to conceal by writing
the whole superscription themselves. And yet such is our insensibility
to justice in this particular, that nothing is more common than to
see, even in a reputable company, a very honest gentleman or lady
declare his or her intention to cheat the nation of threepence by a
frank, and, without blushing, apply to one of the very legislators
themselves, with a modest request that he would be pleased to
become an accomplice in the crime and assist in the perpetration.
There are those who, by these practices, take a great deal in a year
out of the public purse, and put the money into their own private
pockets. If, passing through a room where public treasure is
deposited, a man takes the opportunity of clandestinely pocketing
and carrying off a guinea, is he not truly and properly a thief? And if
another evades paying into the treasury a guinea he ought to pay in,
and applies it to his own use, when he knows it belongs to the public
as much as that which has been paid in, what difference is there in
the nature of the crime or the baseness of committing it?

R E M A R K S C O N C E R N I N G T H E SAVA G E S O F
N O RT H A M E R I C A .

Savages we call them, because their manners differ from ours, which
we think the perfection of civility; they think the same of theirs.
Perhaps, if we could examine the manners of different nations with
impartiality, we should find no people so rude as to be without any
rules of politeness, nor any so polite as not to have some remains of
rudeness.
The Indian men, when young, are hunters and warriors; when old,
counsellors; for all their government is by the council or advice of
the sages. There is no force, there are no prisons, no officers to
compel obedience or inflict punishment. Hence they generally study
oratory, the best speaker having the most influence. The Indian
women till the ground, dress the food, nurse and bring up the
children, and preserve and hand down to posterity the memory of
public transactions. These employments of men and women are
accounted natural and honourable. Having few artificial wants, they
have abundance of leisure for improvement by conversation. Our
laborious manner of life, compared with theirs, they esteem slavish
and base; and the learning on which we value ourselves, they regard
as frivolous and useless. An instance of this occurred at the treaty of
Lancaster, in Pennsylvania, anno 1744, between the government of
Virginia and the Six Nations. After the principal business was settled,
the commissioners from Virginia acquainted the Indians, by a
speech, that there was at Williamsburgh a college, with a fund for
educating Indian youth; and that, if the chiefs of the Six Nations
would send down half a dozen of their sons to that college, the
government would take care that they should be well provided for,
and instructed in all the learning of the white people. It is one of the
Indian rules of politeness not to answer a public proposition the
same day that it is made; they think it would be treating it as a light
matter, and that they show it respect by taking time to consider it,
as of a matter important. They therefore deferred their answer till
the day following, when their speaker began by expressing their
deep sense of the kindness of the Virginia government in making
them that offer; "for we know," says he, "that you highly esteem the
kind of learning taught in those colleges, and that the maintenance
of our young men, while with you, would be very expensive to you.
We are convinced, therefore, that you mean to do us good by your
proposal; and we thank you heartily. But you, who are wise, must
know that different nations have different conceptions of things; and
you will therefore not take it amiss if our ideas of this kind of
education happen not to be the same with yours. We have had some
experience of it: several of our young people were formerly brought
up at the colleges of the northern provinces; they were instructed in
all your sciences; but when they came back to us, they were bad
runners, ignorant of every means of living in the woods, unable to
bear either cold or hunger, knew neither how to build a cabin, take a
deer, nor kill an enemy, spoke our language imperfectly, were
therefore neither fit for hunters, warriors, nor counsellors; they were
totally good for nothing. We are, however, not the less obliged by
your kind offer, though we decline accepting it; and, to show our
grateful sense of it, if the gentlemen of Virginia will send us a dozen
of their sons, we will take great care of their education, instruct
them in all we know, and make men of them."
Having frequent occasions to hold public councils, they have
acquired great order and decency in conducting them. The old men
sit in the foremost ranks, the warriors in the next, and the women
and children in the hindmost. The business of the women is to take
exact notice of what passes, imprint it in their memories, for they
have no writing, and communicate it to their children. They are the
records of the council, and they preserve the tradition of the
stipulations in treaties a hundred years back; which, when we
compare with our writings, we always find exact. He that would
speak, rises. The rest observe a profound silence. When he has
finished and sits down, they leave him five or six minutes to
recollect, that, if he has omitted anything he intended to say, or has
anything to add, he may rise again and deliver it. To interrupt
another, even in common conversation, is reckoned highly indecent.
How different this is from the conduct of a polite British House of
Commons, where scarce a day passes without some confusion that
makes the speaker hoarse in calling to order; and how different from
the mode of conversation in many polite companies of Europe,
where, if you do not deliver your sentence with great rapidity, you
are cut off in the middle of it by the impatient loquacity of those you
converse with, and never suffered to finish it!
The politeness of these savages in conversation is indeed carried to
excess, since it does not permit them to contradict or deny the truth
of what is asserted in their presence. By this means they indeed
avoid disputes, but then it becomes difficult to know their minds, or
what impression you make upon them. The missionaries who have
attempted to convert them to Christianity all complain of this as one
of the great difficulties of their mission. The Indians hear with
patience the truths of the gospel explained to them, and give their
usual tokens of assent and approbation: you would think they were
convinced. No such matter. It is mere civility.
A Swedish minister, having assembled the chiefs of the Susquehanna
Indians, made a sermon to them, acquainting them with the
principal historical facts on which our religion is founded; such as the
fall of our first parents by eating an apple; the coming of Christ to
repair the mischief; his miracles and sufferings, &c. When he had
finished, an Indian orator stood up to thank him. "What you have
told us," says he, "is all very good. We are much obliged by your
kindness in coming so far to tell us those things which you have
heard from your mothers. In return, I will tell you some of those we
have heard from ours.
"In the beginning, our fathers had only the flesh of animals to
subsist on, and if their hunting was unsuccessful, they were starving.
Two of our young hunters, having killed a deer, made a fire in the
woods to broil some parts of it. When they were about to satisfy
their hunger, they beheld a beautiful young woman descend from
the clouds, and seat herself on that hill which you see yonder among
the Blue Mountains. They said to each other, it is a spirit that
perhaps has smelt our broiling venison, and wishes to eat of it: let
us offer some to her. They presented her with the tongue: she was
pleased with the taste of it, and said, Your kindness shall be
rewarded; come to this place after thirteen moons, and you shall
find something that will be of great benefit in nourishing you and
your children to the latest generations. They did so, and, to their
surprise, found plants they had never seen before, but which, from
that ancient time, have been constantly cultivated among us, to our
great advantage. Where her right hand had touched the ground,
they found maize; where her left hand had touched it, they found
kidney-beans; and where she had sat on it, they found tobacco."
The good missionary, disgusted with this idle tale, said, "What I
delivered to you were sacred truths, but what you tell me is mere
fable, fiction, and falsehood." The Indian, offended, replied, "My
brother, it seems your friends have not done you justice in your
education; they have not well instructed you in the rules of common
civility. You saw that we, who understand and practise those rules,
believed all your stories; why do you refuse to believe ours?"
When any of them come into our towns, our people are apt to crowd
around them, gaze upon them, and incommode them where they
desire to be private; this they esteem great rudeness, and the effect
of the want of instruction in the rules of civility and good manners.
"We have," say they "as much curiosity as you; and when you come
into our towns, we wish for opportunities of looking at you; but for
this purpose, we hide ourselves behind bushes, where you are to
pass, and never intrude ourselves into your company."
Their manner of entering one another's villages has likewise its
rules. It is reckoned uncivil in travelling strangers to enter a village
abruptly, without giving notice of their approach. Therefore, as soon
as they arrive within hearing, they stop and halloo, remaining there
till invited to enter. Two old men usually come out to them and lead
them in. There is in every village a vacant dwelling called the
strangers' house. Here they are placed, while the old men go round
from hut to hut, acquainting the inhabitants that strangers are
arrived, who are probably hungry and weary; and every one sends
them what he can spare of victuals, and skins to repose on. When
the strangers are refreshed, pipes and tobacco are brought, and
then, but not before, conversation begins, with inquiries who they
are, whither bound, what news, &c., and it usually ends with offers
of service if the strangers have occasion for guides, or any
necessaries for continuing their journey; and nothing is exacted for
the entertainment.

O N F R E E D O M O F S P E E C H A N D T H E P R E SS.

Freedom of speech is a principal pillar of a free government: when

this support is taken away, the constitution of a free society is
dissolved, and tyranny is erected on its ruins. Republics and limited
monarchies derive their strength and vigour from a popular
examination into the actions of the magistrates; this privilege, in all
ages, has been, and always will be, abused. The best of men could
not escape the censure and envy of the times they lived in. Yet this
evil is not so great as it may appear at first sight. A magistrate who
sincerely aims at the good of society will always have the inclinations
of a great majority on his side, and an impartial posterity will not fail
to render him justice.
Those abuses of the freedom of speech are the exercises of liberty.
They ought to be repressed; but to whom dare we commit the care
of doing it? An evil magistrate, intrusted with power to punish for
words, would be armed with a weapon the most destructive and
terrible. Under pretence of pruning off the exuberant branches, he
would be apt to destroy the tree.
It is certain that he who robs another of his moral reputation, more
richly merits a gibbet than if he had plundered him of his purse on
the highway. Augustus Cæsar, under the specious pretext of
preserving the character of the Romans from defamation, introduced
the law whereby libelling was involved in the penalties of treason
against the state. This law established his tyranny; and for one
mischief which it prevented, ten thousand evils, horrible and
afflicting, sprung up in its place. Thenceforward every person's life
and fortune depended on the vile breath of informers. The
construction of words being arbitrary, and left to the decision of the
judges, no man could write or open his mouth without being in
danger of forfeiting his head.
One was put to death for inserting in his history the praises of
Brutus. Another for styling Cassius the last of the Romans. Caligula
valued himself for being a notable dancer; and to deny that he
excelled in that manly accomplishment was high treason. This
emperor raised his horse, the name of which was Incitatus, to the
dignity of consul; and though history is silent, I do not question but
it was a capital crime to show the least contempt for that high
officer of state! Suppose, then, any one had called the prime
minister a stupid animal, the emperor's council might argue that the
malice of the libel was the more aggravated by its being true, and,
consequently, more likely to excite the family of this illustrious
magistrate to a breach of the peace or to acts of revenge. Such a
prosecution would to us appear ridiculous; yet, if we may rely upon
tradition, there have been formerly proconsuls in America, though of
more malicious dispositions, hardly superior in understanding to the
consul Incitatus, and who would have thought themselves libelled to
be called by their proper names.
Nero piqued himself on his fine voice and skill in music: no doubt a
laudable ambition! He performed in public, and carried the prize of
excellence. It was afterward resolved by all the judges as good law,
that whosoever would insinuate the least doubt of Nero's pre-
eminence in the noble art of fiddling ought to be deemed a traitor to
the state.
By the help of inferences and innuendoes, treasons multiplied in a
prodigious manner. Grief was treason: a lady of noble birth was put
to death for bewailing the death of her murdered son: silence was
declared an overt act to prove the treasonable purposes of the
heart: looks were construed into treason: a serene, open aspect was
an evidence that the person was pleased with the calamities that
befel the emperor: a severe, thoughtful countenance was urged
against the man that wore it as a proof of his plotting against the
state: dreams were often made capital offences. A new species of
informers went about Rome, insinuating themselves into all
companies to fish out their dreams, which the priests (oh nefarious
wickedness!) interpreted into high treason. The Romans were so
terrified by this strange method of juridical and penal process, that,
far from discovering their dreams, they durst not own that they
slept. In this terrible situation, when every one had so much cause
to fear, even fear itself was made a crime. Caligula, when he put his
brother to death, gave it as a reason to the Senate that the youth
was afraid of being murdered. To be eminent in any virtue, either
civil or military, was the greatest crime a man could be guilty of. O
virtutes certissemum exitium.[4]
These were some of the effects of the Roman law against libelling:
those of the British kings that aimed at despotic power or the
oppression of the subject, continually encouraged prosecutions for
words.
Henry VII., a prince mighty in politics, procured that act to be
passed whereby the jurisdiction of the Star Chamber was confirmed
and extended. Afterward Empson and Dudley, two voracious dogs of
prey, under the protection of this high court, exercised the most
merciless acts of oppression. The subjects were terrified from
uttering their griefs while they saw the thunder of the Star Chamber
pointed at their heads. This caution, however, could not prevent
several dangerous tumults and insurrections; for when the tongues
of the people are restrained, they commonly discharge their
resentments by a more dangerous organ, and break out into open
acts of violence.
During the reign of Henry VIII., a high-spirited monarch! every light
expression which happened to displease him was construed by his
supple judges into a libel, and sometimes extended to high treason.
When Queen Mary, of cruel memory, ascended the throne, the
Parliament, in order to raise a fence against the violent prosecutions
for words, which had rendered the lives, liberties, and properties of
all men precarious, and, perhaps, dreading the furious persecuting
spirit of this princess, passed an act whereby it was declared, "That
if a libeller doth go so high as to libel against king or queen by
denunciation, the judges shall lay no greater fine on him than one
hundred pounds, with two months' imprisonment, and no corporeal
punishment: neither was this sentence to be passed on him except
the accusation was fully proved by two witnesses, who were to
produce a certificate of their good demeanour for the credit of their
report."
This act was confirmed by another, in the seventh year of the reign
of Queen Elizabeth; only the penalties were heightened to two
hundred pounds and three months' imprisonment. Notwithstanding
she rarely punished invectives, though the malice of the papists was
indefatigable in blackening the brightest characters with the most
impudent falsehoods, she was often heard to applaud that rescript of
Theodosius. If any person spoke ill of the emperor through a foolish
rashness and inadvertence, it is to be despised; if out of madness, it
deserves pity; if from malice and aversion, it calls for mercy.
Her successor, King James I., was a prince of a quite different genius
and disposition; he used to say, that while he had the power of
making judges and bishops, he could have what law and gospel he
pleased. Accordingly, he filled those places with such as prostituted
their professions to his notions of prerogative. Among this number,
and I hope it is no discredit to the profession of the law, its great
oracle, Sir Edward Coke, appears. The Star Chamber, which in the
time of Elizabeth had gained a good repute, became an intolerable
grievance in the reign of this learned monarch.
But it did not arrive at its meridian altitude till Charles I. began to
wield the sceptre. As he had formed a design to lay aside
parliaments and subvert the popular part of the constitution, he very
well knew that the form of government could not be altered without
laying a restraint on freedom of speech and the liberty of the press:
therefore he issued his royal mandate, under the great seal of
England, whereby he commanded his subjects, under pain of his
displeasure, not to prescribe to him any time for parliaments. Lord
Clarendon, upon this occasion, is pleased to write, "That all men
took themselves to be prohibited, under the penalty of censure (the
censure of the Star Chamber), which few men cared to incur, so
much as to speak of parliaments, or so much as to mention that
parliaments were again to be called."
The king's ministers, to let the nation see they were absolutely
determined to suppress all freedom of speech, caused a prosecution
to be carried on by the attorney general against three members of
the House of Commons, for words spoken in that house, Anno 1628.
The members pleaded to the information, that expressions in
parliament ought only to be examined and punished there. This
notwithstanding, they were all three condemned as disturbers of the
state; one of these gentlemen, Sir John Eliot, was fined two
thousand pounds, and sentenced to lie in prison till it was paid. His
lady was denied admittance to him, even during his sickness;
consequently, his punishment comprehended an additional sentence
of divorce. This patriot, having endured many years imprisonment,
sunk under the oppression, and died in prison: this was such a
wound to the authority and rights of Parliament that, even after the
restoration, the judgment was revered by Parliament.
That Englishmen of all ranks might be effectually intimidated from
publishing their thoughts on any subject, except on the side of the
court, his majesty's ministers caused an information, for several
libels, to be exhibited in the Star Chamber against Messrs. Prynn,
Burton, and Bastwick. They were each of them fined five thousand
pounds, and adjudged to lose their ears on the pillory, to be branded
on the cheeks with hot irons, and to suffer perpetual imprisonment!
Thus these three gentlemen, each of worth and quality in their
several professions, viz., divinity, law, and physic, were, for no other
offence than writing on controverted points of church government,
exposed on public scaffolds, and stigmatized and mutilated as
common signal rogues or the most ordinary malefactors.
Such corporeal punishments, inflicted with all the circumstances of
cruelty and infamy, bound down all other gentlemen under a servile
fear of like treatment; so that, for several years, no one durst
publicly speak or write in defence of the liberties of the people;
which the king's ministers, his privy council, and his judges, had
trampled under their feet. The spirit of the administration looked
hideous and dreadful; the hate and resentment which the people
conceived against it, for a long time lay smothered in their breasts,
where those passions festered and grew venomous, and at last
discharged themselves by an armed and vindictive hand.
King Charles II. aimed at the subversion of the government, but
concealed his designs under a deep hypocrisy: a method which his
predecessor, in the beginning of his reign, scorned to make use of.
The father, who affected a high and rigid gravity, discountenanced all
barefaced immorality. The son, of a gay, luxurious disposition, openly
encouraged it: thus their inclinations being different, the restraint
laid on some authors, and the encouragement given to others, were
managed after a different manner.
In this reign a licenser was appointed for the stage and the press;
no plays were encouraged but what had a tendency to debase the
minds of the people. The original design of comedy was perverted; it
appeared in all the shocking circumstances of immodest double
entendre, obscure description, and lewd representation. Religion was
sneered out of countenance, and public spirit ridiculed as an
awkward oldfashioned virtue; the fine gentleman of the comedy,
though embroidered over with wit, was a consummate debauchee;
and a fine lady, though set off with a brilliant imagination, was an
impudent coquette. Satire, which in the hands of Horace, Juvenal,
and Boileau, was pointed with a generous resentment against vice,
now became the declared foe of virtue and innocence. As the city of
London, in all ages, as well as the time we are now speaking of, was
remarkable for its opposition to arbitrary power, the poets levelled all
their artillery against the metropolis, in order to bring the citizens
into contempt: an alderman was never introduced on the theatre but
under the complicated character of a sneaking, canting hypocrite, a
miser, and a cuckold; while the court-wits, with impunity, libelled the
most valuable part of the nation. Other writers, of a different stamp,
with great learning and gravity, endeavoured to prove to the English
people that slavery was jure divino.[5] Thus the stage and the press,
under the direction of a licenser, became battering engines against
religion, virtue, and liberty. Those who had courage enough to write
in their defence, were stigmatized as schismatics, and punished as
disturbers of the government.
But when the embargo on wit was taken off, Sir Richard Steel and
Mr. Addison soon rescued the stage from the load of impurity it
laboured under with an inimitable address, they strongly
recommended to our imitation the most amiable, rational manly
characters; and this with so much success that I cannot suppose
there is any reader to-day conversant in the writings of those
gentlemen, that can taste with any tolerable relish the comedies of
the once admired Shadwell. Vice was obliged to retire and give place
to virtue: this will always be the consequence when truth has fair
play: falsehood only dreads the attack, and cries out for auxiliaries:
the truth never fears the encounter: she scorns the aid of the
secular arm, and triumphs by her natural strength.
But, to resume the description of the reign of Charles II., the
doctrine of servitude was chiefly managed by Sir Roger Lestrange.
He had great advantages in the argument, being licenser for the
press, and might have carried all before him without contradiction, if
writings on the other side of the question had not been printed by
stealth. The authors, whenever found, were prosecuted as seditious
libellers; on all these occasions the king's counsel, particularly
Sawyer and Finch, appeared most obsequious to accomplish the
ends of the court.
During this blessed management, the king had entered into a secret
league with France to render himself absolute and enslave his
subjects. This fact was discovered to the world by Dr. Jonathan
Swift, to whom Sir William Temple had intrusted the publication of
his works.
Sidney, the sworn foe of tyranny, was a gentleman of noble family,
of sublime understanding and exalted courage. The ministry were
resolved to remove so great an obstacle out of the way of their
designs. He was prosecuted for high treason. The overt act charged
in the indictment was a libel found in his private study. Mr. Finch, the
king's own solicitor-general, urged with great vehemence to this
effect, "that the imagining the death of the king is treason, even
while that imagination remains concealed in the mind, though the
law cannot punish such secret treasonable thoughts till it arrives at
the knowledge of them by some overt act. That the matter of the
libel composed by Sidney was an imagining how to compass the
death of King Charles II.; and the writing of it was an overt act of
treason, for that to write was to act. (Scribere est agere.)" It seems
that the king's counsel in this reign had not received the same
directions as Queen Elizabeth had given hers; she told them they
were to look upon themselves as not retained so much (pro domina
regina, as pro domina veritate) for the power of the queen as for the
power of truth.
Mr. Sidney made a strong and legal defence. He insisted that all the
words in the book contained no more than general speculations on
the principles of government, free for any man to write down;
especially since the same are written in the parliament rolls and in
the statute laws.
He argued on the injustice of applying by innuendoes, general
assertions concerning principles of government, as overt acts to
prove the writer was compassing the death of the king; for then no
man could write of things done even by our ancestors, in defence of
the constitution and freedom of England, without exposing himself
to capital danger.
He denied that scribere est agere, but allowed that writing and
publishing is to act (Scribere et publicare est agere), and therefore
he urged that, as his book had never been published nor imparted to
any person, it could not be an overt act, within the statutes of
treasons, even admitting that it contained treasonable positions;
that, on the contrary, it was a covert fact, locked up in his private
study, as much concealed from the knowledge of any man as if it
were locked up in the author's mind. This was the substance of Mr.
Sidney's defence: but neither law, nor reason, nor eloquence, nor
innocence ever availed where Jefferies sat as judge. Without
troubling himself with any part of the defence, he declared in a rage,
that Sidney's known principles were a sufficient proof of his intention
to compass the death of the king.
A packed jury therefore found him guilty of high treason: great
applications were made for his pardon. He was executed as a traitor.
This case is a pregnant instance of the danger that attends a law for
punishing words, and of the little security the most valuable men
have for their lives, in that society where a judge, by remote
inferences and distant innuendoes, may construe the most innocent
expressions into capital crimes. Sidney, the British Brutus, the warm,
the steady friend of liberty; who, from an intrinsic love to mankind,
left them that invaluable legacy, his immortal discourses on
government, was for these very discourses murdered by the hands
of lawless power. * * * *
Upon the whole, to suppress inquiries into the administration is good
policy in an arbitrary government; but a free constitution and
freedom of speech have such reciprocal dependance on each other,
that they cannot subsist without consisting together.

The following extracts of a letter, signed Columella, and addressed to

the editors of the British Repository for select Papers on Agriculture,
Arts, and Manufactures (see vol. i.), will prepare those who read it
for the following paper:
"Gentlemen,—There is now publishing in France a periodical work,
called Ephemeridis du Citoyen,[6] in which several points, interesting
to those concerned in agriculture, are from time to time discussed by
some able hands. In looking over one of the volumes of this work a
few days ago, I found a little piece written by one of our
countrymen, and which our vigilant neighbours had taken from the
London Chronicle in 1766. The author is a gentleman well known to
every man of letters in Europe, and perhaps there is none in this age
to whom mankind in general are more indebted.
"That this piece may not be lost to our own country, I beg you will
give it a place in your Repository: it was written in favour of the
farmers, when they suffered so much abuse in our public papers,
and were also plundered by the mob in many places."
[4] Oh virtue! the most certain ruin.
[5] By divine right.
[6] Citizen's Journal.

To Messieurs the Public.

ON THE PRICE OF CORN, AND THE

MANAGEMENT OF THE POOR.

I am one of that class of people that feeds you all, and at present
abused by you all; in short, I am a farmer.
By your newspapers we are told that God had sent a very short
harvest to some other countries of Europe. I thought this might be
in favour of Old England, and that now we should get a good price
for our grain, which would bring millions among us, and make us
flow in money: that, to be sure, is scarce enough.
But the wisdom of government forbade the exportation.
Well, says I, then we must be content with the market price at
home.
No, say my lords the mob, you sha'n't have that. Bring your corn to
market if you dare; we'll sell it for you for less money, or take it for
nothing.
Being thus attacked by both ends of the constitution, the head and
tail of government, what am I to do?
Must I keep my corn in the barn, to feed and increase the breed of
rats? Be it so; they cannot be less thankful than those I have been
used to feed.
Are we farmers the only people to be grudged the profits of our
honest labour? And why? One of the late scribblers against us gives
a bill of fare of the provisions at my daughter's wedding, and
proclaims to all the world that we had the insolence to eat beef and
pudding! Has he not read the precept in the good book, thou shall
not muzzle the mouth of the ox that treadeth out the corn; or does
he think us less worthy of good living than our oxen?
Oh, but the manufacturers! the manufacturers! they are to be
favoured, and they must have bread at a cheap rate!
Hark ye, Mr. Oaf: The farmers live splendidly, you say. And, pray,
would you have them hoard the money they get? Their fine clothes
and furniture, do they make themselves or for one another, and so
keep the money among them? Or do they employ these your darling
manufacturers, and so scatter it again all over the nation?
The wool would produce me a better price if it were suffered to go
to foreign markets; but that, Messieurs the Public, your laws will not
permit. It must be kept all at home, that our dear manufacturers
may have it the cheaper. And then, having yourselves thus lessened
our encouragement for raising sheep, you curse us for the scarcity of
mutton!
I have heard my grandfather say, that the farmers submitted to the
prohibition on the exportation of wool, being made to expect and
believe that, when the manufacturer bought his wool cheaper, they
should also have their cloth cheaper. But the deuse a bit. It has been
growing dearer and dearer from that day to this. How so? Why, truly,
the cloth is exported: and that keeps up the price.
Now if it be a good principle that the exportation of a commodity is
to be restrained, that so our people at home may have it the
cheaper, stick to that principle, and go thorough stitch with it.
Prohibit the exportation of your cloth, your leather and shoes, your
ironware, and your manufactures of all sorts, to make them all
cheaper at home. And cheap enough they will be, I will warrant you,
till people leave off making them.
Some folks seem to think they ought never to be easy till England
becomes another Lubberland, where it is fancied the streets are
paved with penny-rolls, the houses tiled with pancakes, and
chickens, ready roasted, cry, Come eat me.
I say, when you are sure you have got a good principle, stick to it
and carry it through. I hear it is said, that though it was necessary
and right for the ministry to advise a prohibition of the exportation
of corn, yet it was contrary to law; and also, that though it was
contrary to law for the mob to obstruct wagons, yet it was necessary
and right. Just the same thing to a tittle. Now they tell me an act of
indemnity ought to pass in favour of the ministry, to secure them
from the consequences of having acted illegally. If so, pass another
in favour of the mob. Others say, some of the mob ought to be
hanged, by way of example. If so—but to say no more than I have
said before, when you are sure that you have a good principle, go
through with it.
You say poor labourers cannot afford to buy bread at a high price,
unless they had higher wages. Possibly. But how shall we farmers be
able to afford our labourers higher wages, if you will not allow us to
get, when we might have it, a higher price for our corn?
By all that I can learn, we should at least have had a guinea a
quarter more if the exportation had been allowed. And this money
England would have got from foreigners.
But, it seems, we farmers must take so much less that the poor may
have it so much cheaper.
This operates, then, as a tax for the maintenance of the poor. A very
good thing, you will say. But I ask, why a partial tax? why laid on us
farmers only? If it be a good thing, pray, Messieurs the Public, take
your share of it, by indemnifying us a little out of your public
treasury. In doing a good thing there is both honour and pleasure;
you are welcome to your share of both.
For my own part, I am not so well satisfied of the goodness of this
thing. I am for doing good to the poor, but I differ in opinion about
the means. I think the best way of doing good to the poor is not
making them easy in poverty, but leading or driving them out of it.
In my youth I travelled much, and I observed in different countries
that the more public provisions were made for the poor, the less they
provided for themselves, and, of course, became poorer. And, on the
contrary, the less was done for them, the more they did for
themselves, and became richer. There is no country in the world
where so many provisions are established for them; so many
hospitals to receive them when they are sick or lame, founded and
maintained by voluntary charities; so many almshouses for the aged
of both sexes, together with a solemn general law made by the rich
to subject their estates to a heavy tax for the support of the poor.
Under all these obligations, are our poor modest, humble, and
thankful? And do they use their best endeavours to maintain
themselves, and lighten our shoulders of this burden! On the
contrary, I affirm that there is no country in the world in which the
poor are more idle, dissolute, drunken, and insolent.[7] The day you
passed that act you took away from before their eyes the greatest of
all inducements to industry, frugality, and sobriety, by giving them a
dependance on somewhat else than a careful accumulation during
youth and health, for support in age or sickness. In short, you
offered a premium for the encouragement of idleness, and you
should not now wonder that it has had its effect in the increase of
poverty. Repeal this law, and you will soon see a change in their
manners; Saint Monday and Saint Tuesday will soon cease to be
holydays. Six days shalt thou labour, though one of the old
commandments, long treated as out of date, will again be looked
upon as a respectable precept; industry will increase, and with it
plenty among the lower people; their circumstances will mend, and
more will be done for their happiness by inuring them to provide for
themselves, than could be done by dividing all your estates among
them.
Excuse me, Messieurs the Public, if upon this interesting subject I
put you to the trouble of reading a little of my nonsense; I am sure I
have lately read a great deal of yours, and therefore, from you (at
least from those of you who are writers) I deserve a little
indulgence. I am yours, &c.
Arator.
[7] England in 1766

S I N G U LA R C U S TO M A M O N G T H E
A M E R I C A N S, E N T I T L E D W H I T E WAS H I N G .

Dear Sir,
My wish is to give you some account of the people of these new
states; but I am far from being qualified for the purpose, having as
yet seen but little more than the cities of New-York and Philadelphia.
I have discovered but few national singularities among them. Their
customs and manners are nearly the same with those of England,
which they have long been used to copy. For, previous to the
revolution, the Americans were from their infancy taught to look up
to the English as patterns of perfection in all things. I have
observed, however, one custom, which, for aught I know, is peculiar
to this country. An account of it will serve to fill up the remainder of
this sheet, and may afford you some amusement.
When a young couple are about to enter into the matrimonial state,
a never-failing article in the marriage treaty is, that the lady shall
have and enjoy the free and unmolested exercise of the rights of
whitewashing, with all its ceremonials, privileges, and
appurtenances. A young woman would forego the most
advantageous connexion, and even disappoint the warmest wish of
her heart, rather than resign the invaluable right. You would wonder
what this privilege of whitewashing is: I will endeavour to give you
some idea of the ceremony, as I have seen it performed.
There is no season of the year in which the lady may not claim her
privilege, if she pleases; but the latter end of May is most generally
fixed upon for the purpose. The attentive husband may judge by
certain prognostics when the storm is nigh at hand. When the lady is
unusually fretful, finds fault with the servants, is discontented with
the children, and complains much of the filthiness of everything
about her, these are signs which ought not to be neglected; yet they
are not decisive, as they sometimes come on and go off again
without producing any farther effect. But if, when the husband rises
in the morning, he should observe in the yard a wheelbarrow with a
quantity of lime in it, or should see certain buckets with lime
dissolved in water, there is then no time to be lost; he immediately
locks up the apartment or closet where his papers or his private
property is kept, and, putting the key in his pocket, betakes himself
to flight, for a husband, however beloved, becomes a perfect
nuisance during the season of female rage; his authority is
superseded, his commission is suspended, and the very scullion who
cleans the brasses in the kitchen becomes of more consideration and
importance than him. He has nothing for it but to abdicate, and run
from an evil which he can neither prevent nor mollify.
The husband gone, the ceremony begins. The walls are in a few
minutes stripped of their furniture: paintings, prints, and looking-
glasses lie in a huddled heap about the floors; the curtains are torn
from the testers, the beds crammed into the windows; chairs and
tables, bedsteads and cradles, crowd the yard; and the garden fence
bends beneath the weight of carpets, blankets, cloth cloaks, old
coats, and ragged breeches. Here may be seen the lumber of the
kitchen, forming a dark and confused mass: for the foreground of
the picture, grid irons and frying-pans, rusty shovels and broken
tongs, spits and pots, joint-stools, and the fractured remains of rush-
bottomed chairs. There a closet has disgorged its bowels, cracked
tumblers, broken wineglasses, vials of forgotten physic, papers of
unknown powders, seeds, and dried herbs, handfuls of old corks,
tops of teapots, and stoppers of departed decanters; from the
raghole in the garret to the rathole in the cellar, no place escapes
unrummaged. It would seem as if the day of general doom was
come, and the utensils of the house were dragged forth to
judgment. In this tempest the words of Lear naturally present
themselves, and might, with some alteration, be made strictly
applicable:

"Let the great gods,

That keep this dreadful pother o'er our heads,
Find out their enemies now. Tremble, thou
wretch,
That hast within thee undivulged crimes
Unwhipp'd of justice!

"Close pent-up guilt,

Raise your concealing continents, and ask
These dreadful summoners grace!"

This ceremony completed and the house thoroughly evacuated, the

next operation is to smear the walls and ceilings of every room and
closet with brushes dipped in a solution of lime, called white wash;
to pour buckets of water over every floor, and scratch all the
partitions and wainscots with rough brushes wet with soapsuds and
dipped in stonecutter's sand. The windows by no means escape the
general deluge. A servant scrambles out upon the penthouse, at the
risk of her neck, and with a mug in her hand and a bucket within
reach, she dashes away innumerable gallons of water against the
glass panes, to the great annoyance of the passengers in the street.
I have been told that an action at law was once brought against one
of these water nymphs, by a person who had a new suit of clothes
spoiled by this operation; but, after long argument, it was
determined by the whole court that the action would not lie,
inasmuch as the defendant was in the exercise of a legal right, and
not answerable for the consequences: and so the poor gentleman
was doubly nonsuited, for he lost not only his suit of clothes, but his
suit at law.
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