BUG STUDY

by

Emma Goldman-Sherman

270 Seaman Ave Apt F6

New York NY 10034
646-260-8102
[email protected]
 characters

1. BOB 50s. Jane’s Dad. An entomologist, white/Jewish-

American

2. JANE @20s, funny, silly, crazy Jane, white/Jewish-Amercan lesbian,

afab

3. PURPLE PATTY @25, ultra hip, ultra slick, the coolest, Jane’s friend, sidekick, pal,
bosom buddy, Latinx, lesbian, afab

4. LIVIA @27, Jane’s girlfriend, lovely and articulate, could pass for
straight, could almost pass for white as far as her demeanor goes,
Black, lesbian, afab

4. RAYNELLE @18, Bob’s Black pregnant undergraduate student, played by the

actor who plays Livia

5. SYLVIA 50s, Jane’s mom, very Connecticut. The kind of woman who
doesn’t cook with spices. White/Jewish-American, trying not
to be Jewish, is heterosexual but only if it doesn’t mess up her hair

5. MRS. MANISHEVITZ Ancient, Jane’s Jewish immigrant neighbor, played by the actor
who plays Sylvia.

6. GLORIA @39 (forever), Jane’s stepmom, a blonde bombshell from

Queens. Mainly prosthetic, extremely sexy. The kind of woman
who enters with her own soundtrack. Catholic/Italian-American,
omnivorous.

6. MRS. MANICOTTI Ancient, Jane’s Italian immigrant neighbor, played by the actor
who plays Gloria.

TIME and PLACE

early 1990s in Jane’s hovel - a roach-infested apartment on the Lower East Side;
Bob’s classroom; Sylvia’s breakfast nook; Gloria’s garage; Livia’s motel room;
an East Village Poetry Slam; a hospital bed; and Bob’s Chair (the Dad Chair).

notes
Ellipses (. . . ) are used to indicate that the ineffable cannot be expressed in words.
Actors should not add words to phrases/sentences that end with ellipses. They are an active
reaching for language and a failing.
Slashes (/) indicate overlapping cues — if there is a / in your line, ignore it, do not slow
down for it, just continue onward -- it is for the actor following you
Dashes (—) are used when the character turns from one direction to another
G-d is my superstitious way of typing this word, pronounce as usual.
With thanks to The Women’s Project & Productions Playwrights Lab and New Circle/Circle East
and very special thanks to Sherry Kramer, Lee Blessing & Melanie S. Armer, this play is
dedicated to my father.
 BUG STUDY

1. BUGS FOR THUGS

BOB
Thank you all for getting here on time this morning. For those
of you just waltzing in, and to review for the upcoming exam, we
are talking about bugs or what your textbook refers to as
insects. That is the technical term for approximately 85% of
all living beings on this planet.

RAYNELLE
Are you saying I’m a bug?

BOB
No, Raynelle. You're not a bug. Can you tell me why you're not a
bug?

RAYNELLE
Excuse me? Are you saying that's a possibility?

BOB
I’m asking you to differentiate between species.

RAYNELLE
Mm-hmm.

BOB
A bug is made up of three parts: head, thorax, that means
throat, and abdomen.

RAYNELLE
Right here, people, this is my stomach.

BOB
That is your baby

RAYNELLE
No! What baby? there ain’t no baby here, Professor Goldbug.

BOB
Goldberg.

RAYNELLE
Goldbug, what I said.
 2
2. THE SLAM

JANE at a mike covered with a lavender triangle pointing down to

subvert the phallic nature of the mike.

JANE (introducing the title)

MALE BOMB.
(performing with great passion)
Heee-rohhh-sheeeeeee-maaaaa!
This is when we hear the drums
This is when we hear him coming
the roar of the airplane engine, coming
I know you’re out there
the worst possible person
in the best possible world
The worst word heard// in the call that never came.
Humping with my womyn on the phone
Thumpin don’t needa bone
Say baby baby baby, when you comin home?
Do ya want it? Yeah I want it. // Do you need it? Yeah I
need it.
Annihilation chewing through my bungee cord
Annihilation sent me to the Mental Ward
Womyn doncha leave me
It wouldn’t fit the pattern
cause I been left before by less
but never you never baby baby baby
You never gonna send me any Male Bomb
We’re gonna make it through
I know my womyn’s good and true
It’s a female thang
cause there ain’t no
deception hangin tween her knees
Baby’s never gonna send me any Male Bomb
Never gonna slam that door
Never gonna leave me for
another baby baby baby
(Jane sees the bomb coming)
Naaaaaaa gaaaaaaaa saaaaaa keeee!!!!!

(JANE bows in an elaborate gesture of browbeating/

pain. PURPLE PATTY enters and takes mike)

PURPLE PATTY
That was JANE IN PAIN! Thanks for the great licks babe.
 3
(JANE bangs her head against the wall several times
and exits.)
 4
3. THE HOVEL

(Banging is heard. Banging on a door. Serious

pounding.)

MRS MANICOTTI
Hello in there! Hello? It’s Mrs. Manicotti, and I know you’re
in there, Jean.

JANE
Jane.

MRS MANICOTTI
I’m leaving you a little gift here, right outside your door.
And in case you’re wondering what it is, I’ll tell you. It’s
your mail. How did I get your mail when the boxes are supposed
to be locked? A person has a right to some privacy when it
comes to their mail. It’s a federal crime to mess with the
mail, and those boxes are on their last legs. They’re not
hanging onto the vestibule wall anymore. They’re clawing at it
in desperation. And they’re gonna fall, unless someone does
something. And if they do fall, I hope to G-d they fall on a
certain person who I am not going to mention. Not on me. I am
a lucky woman. But good luck or bad, if you don’t keep your box
locked, stuff falls right out of it.
 5
4. INFESTATION

(The silhouette of a man in a chair lighting a

cigarette while JANE in her hovel talks on the phone
with LIVIA who is in a motel room with a large sample
case open nearby. It reads: LAVENDAR LINE OF
COSMETICS FOR QUEERS)

JANE
Where are you Livia? Are you in a motel? Tell me where you
are.

LIVIA
Polyester bedcover, orange and red, looks like psychedelic
vomit. Print on the wall, thin gold frame, two sea shells and a
sea horse.

JANE
It always looks like that.

LIVIA
Jane, my territory is the Eastern Seaboard from Maine to
Florida, so it’s going to look like this wherever I am. I stay
in cheap motels.

JANE
Please, just do it for me once. Just tonight?

(LIVIA exits and flushing of

the toilet is heard.)

LIVIA
(entering on phone)
Did you hear it Jane? It’s a motel john okay? Are you
satisfied?

JANE
Thank you. It’s comforting. It always sounds just like a
motel. Of course there could be someone there, but at least
they saw you do that, if there is someone there, so at least
they know.

LIVIA
What do they know?
 6
JANE
That you love me.

LIVIA
Jane, I love you.

(Old tenement doorbell is heard, like a bell without

resonance, almost a click of a bell, a bell so old and
dried up, it no longer rings.)

MRS. MANISHEVITZ (sexily, for 86)

I know you’re in there! This is Mrs. Manishevitz, from down the
hall. I gotta problem needs your help.

JANE
Jane’s not here.

MRS. MANISHEVITZ
Who wants Jane? I’m looking for the super. Walter.

JANE
The super’s name is Jane, but she’s not here.

MRS MANISHEVITZ
I been living here eighty six years, the super’s name is Walter.

JANE
Okay, but Walter’s not here either.

MR MANISHEVITZ
You can’t fool me! I know who the super is. I'm coming back
and Walter better be here. I gotta problem only he can fix.

JANE
Yeah, me too.

(JANE finds cigarettes. Silhouetted man puts his

cigarette out.)

MRS MANICOTTI
I hear you, Mrs Manishevitz, and if you don’t shut up, I'm gonna
call the police!
 7
MRS MANISHEVITZ
I’m just trying to find Walter! Mrs Manicotti, have you seen
Walter?

MRS MANICOTTI
Whaddya mean no water? Why isn’t there any water?

(JANE searches through rubble/clutter for lighter and

when she find it SHE lights up with silhouette of man.
THEY smoke exaclty alike.)

LIVIA
Jane, the problem doesn’t have anything to do with whether or
not I love you.

JANE
The problem? What problem?

(Silhouette of man calls JANE on the phone.)

LIVIA
I just don’t feel as if you trust me,

JANE
But —

LIVIA
It’s just that I travel, a lot, and I like my job, and I feel as
if —

JANE
What are you talking about? Of course you love your job. I
understand that. Are you saying I’m not supportive? Are you
saying I don’t give you space to do your job? To travel? What,
that I’m needy?

(Call waiting.)

LIVIA
I didn’t say that, I just —

JANE
Wait a minute — I have another call.
(clicks over to other call)
Hello?
 8
BOB
How are you?

JANE
(takes a moment to process, then)
What kind of thing is that to say to a person?

BOB
I expected you to react this way.

JANE
What way? How long’s it been since you used a phone? You have
no idea how I'm gonna react. You don’t know me. Hold on a sec.
(clicking over to Livia)
Livia, I gotta take this call.

LIVIA
There’s someone else?

JANE
There’s no one else. I gotta go.

LIVIA
You can’t go. We’re in the middle of —

JANE
Wait a minute. Livia, is there someone else?

LIVIA
There’s no one else, Jane.

JANE
Is this the moment you pick to tell me there’s someone else, as
in you are seeing someone else, because if it is, I mean, if
this is the moment, then I think I’m going to lose my mind.

LIVIA
I swear to you, there’s no one else. Unless that someone else
is the person who is calling you on the other line. Your
someone else, not my someone else. I don’t have anyone else.
Who’s calling you?

JANE
My father.
 9
LIVIA
Your what?

JANE
My dad. He’s on the other line.

LIVIA
Jane, your father is dead.

JANE
No, he’s not. He's been away on business. He’s calling me.

(Sheer terror: JANE clicks back to BOB.)

JANE
Hello?

BOB
I'm here.

JANE
You are not here. I don’t know where you are.

BOB
OK I’m back

JANE
Are you?

BOB
You didn’t answer my question

(THEY both put out their cigarettes.)

JANE
What question?

BOB
How are you?

JANE
Let me think about it, huh?

BOB
Most people say fine.
 10
JANE
I am not most people. You are not most people. Did you call me
to see if I would just say fine?
(sees roach on the floor)
MOTHER FUCKER!
(to BOB)
Not you. I’m killing a roach.

BOB
Oh, I'm sorry.

JANE
(takes a moment to process)
You’re sorry? Is that a general apology for any offense or
heart break you’ve caused or specifically about the roach?
I don’t know if you can be sorry for the roach. You never met.
But maybe you can be sorry that I have roaches. Do you feel
responsible for the bugs in my life?

BOB
You could capture them and keep them as pets.

JANE
I already tried that, and they are, my pets, but it’s better
just to let them roam than to keep them locked up. This way I
don’t have to feed them and they learn to be responsible for
themselves until the incredible moment when I squish them. It
gives me the greatest pleasure to free their little hard bodies
and feel them explode under my boots or my fingers.

BOB
You crush them with your bare hands?

JANE
Ew, no. Paper towel.

BOB
So you link death to freedom

JANE
If the roach is dead, then I am free.

BOB
Free from what?
 11
(THEY both search for cigarettes)

JANE
Was there a reason you called?

BOB
I guess we might catch up on things.

JANE
Like I should tell you I'm working as a super in a tenement and
you could tell me you bought your own private rain forest and
you ask me if I’ve named my pet roaches and I ask you if your
third wife is dead yet, that sort of catching up?

BOB
Victoria and I are not married, but sort of like that.

JANE
I don’t know if I am ready for this call. You could give a
person a warning.

(BOB and JANE both light cigarettes simultaneously.)

BOB
I just wanted to see how you are.

JANE
I’m different now. I’m not sure we’ve met.

BOB
I could introduce myself.

JANE
Have you changed?

BOB
Do you believe that people can change?

(DOORBELL is heard.)

BOB
What's that?
 12
JANE
Excuse me a second.
(to MRS M)
I told you already: Walter’s gone!

MRS MANISHEVITZ
Don’t you tell me what for. I didn’t turn off the water. I don’t
know how you think you can get away with this - a person needs
water. It’s guaranteed. In my lease. And without it, a person
could die! What do you think of that?

JANE
When Walter gets back you can ask him about it.

MRS MANISHEVITZ
I will.

JANE (to BOB)

Answer me one thing. Are you getting a divorce?

a pause

JANE
You haven't changed a bit. Do you still spend your nights, when
you aren’t in the rainforest, in that leather chair, as if
you’re really there?

a pause, BOB feels the leather of his chair

JANE
At least when you're gone, you're gone. Now you're supposed to
be here, but you're gone at the same time, sort of like... I
know! I know! You're Virtual Dad! Plug him in and pretend he
loves you!

BOB
I never stopped loving you Jane. Are you finished?

JANE
Why? Am I bothering you? Making you want to leave again? Go on.
You're good at it. It will be just like all the other times
you've left, only this time, you're already packed. You called
to say you're here? Do you know the difference, or is there only
one way for you? It's away, right? This is the moment when you
tell me you're leaving, on a longer trip with a bigger grant to
 13
JANE (cont'd)
study something even stranger than before, beofre I get used to
have you around? I'm sorry. I guess I'm feeling cold and
unwelcoming. Are you lonely for your long lost family, the one
you never really wanted, or do people want families before
they're formed and then freak out that they can't manage them
once they get them? I don't know. I'm just a kid. Why don’t you
hang up on me? Go on. I bet you’ll be good at it. It’s just
like leaving, only you don’t have to pack any bags.

BOB
Jane. . .

JANE
All I know is my adults, the ones assigned to me, they don't
seem to want me around, or I can put it differently, they don't
want to be around me. Ah, you say that isn't true. You say you
love me, but doesn't love mean being available to a person? Most
of my life I haven't even been able to call you, and forget
visiting. A person needs shots and a state department visa just
to get to you. But you have a great excuse.

BOB
I was only away because of my work.

JANE
Really? You never in ten years had a day off? A long weekend? I
thought professors had great schedules.

BOB
You're right, but I was far away.

JANE
And now you miss your daughter who might have been alone in the
world once or twice.

BOB
You have your mother, and Gloria.

JANE
Your two ex-wives? Thank you for leaving them to me. that's so
comforting. Didja ever think I mighta needed a father?
 14
BOB
It's not statistically probable with most species

JANE
Most species? What about human species?

BOB
I'm listening.

JANE
Could I come to you? No. Could I ever call you up in the middle
of your life and without even so much as a hello ask how are
you? No! So then NO! You haven’t changed!

BOB
Jane, I know I haven’t been around much, but —

JANE
Okay, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe you did change. I can keep an
open mind. I understand the power of scientific observation,
but some change, unless you get a whole lot of it, is worthless,
nickels and dimes, and I have a tough enough time with reality
without trying to deal with change.

BOB
What are we talking about here?

JANE
I’d like to believe that change is possible because then you
might believe that I’m not still the scrawny brat you knew, but
then kids don’t necessarily change in the way adults change. I
grew up. Did you?

BOB
Jane, you think too much for your own good.

JANE
Has Victoria thrown you out or what?

(BOB lights another cigarette)

BOB
I just wanted to see how you were, where you are in your life,
that’s all.
 15
JANE
Oh. I thought you wanted to talk.

BOB
Aren’t we talking now?

JANE
You’re conducting some sort of a survey to see if your sperm
worked out. Well, I can’t give you any credit for anything in
my life, except maybe my teeth — I’ve got great teeth! I
thought maybe you were. . . I dunno, I thought you might wanna
talk.

BOB
We can talk.

JANE
I’ve been talking. This whole time, I’ve been talking. What are
you doing?

BOB
I said I was listening.

JANE
The way you spent my childhood listening? Sitting in that
leather chair behind the newspaper?

BOB
I am not behind a newspaper Jane.

JANE
No, you’re behind a phone. And you’ve probably got the
television on, so you’re behind that too, aren’t you?

(BOB clicks off the muted television with a remote.)

BOB
I’m trying, Jane.

JANE
Are you somewhere I can reach you? Do you exist or what?

BOB
I exist.
 16
JANE
Yeah, but where?

BOB
Whaddya mean where?

JANE
I have this thing about not seeing people in the flesh. My
therapist, are you in therapy, you really should be in therapy
you know, so Mary Beth, my therapist, says I flunked Peek-A-Boo.
It’s that stage in development when a kid starts to trust her
primary caretaker, to believe that he or she is there even if
she can’t see him. I flunked that part, and if a person isn’t
right before my eyes, I don’t necessarily believe they exist,
okay? So if you're really there, you’re gonna have to do better
than silence. It makes me nervous.

BOB
Do you want my address? I can give you my address.

(THEY both put out their cigarettes.)

JANE
Yeah, okay.

(JANE takes BOB’s address as PURPLE PATTY speaks into

Poetry Slam mike.)

PURPLE PATTY
(slowly, dangerously)
Don’t give out that address, Bob.
JANE IN PAIN’s been known to act
in desperate paranoid ways.
She could go off one of these days.
Watch it Bob. The womyn is warped.

(JANE puts the address somewhere central. THEY both

light cigarettes.)

JANE
Sounds like you’re calling from a motel.

BOB
What's a motel sound like?
 17
JANE
Empty

BOB
I’m calling from my apartment. It’s new. It isn’t fully
furnished yet.

JANE
I gotta go. I don’t know if I will ever wanna talk to you.

BOB
Okay then. . .

JANE
That’s it? I gotta go, so now you’re just gonna hang up? You
give up so easily.

BOB
Jane. . .

JANE
Can I call you? Are you gonna call here again?

BOB
You can call me any time. I'll answer.

JANE
I don't know about that.

BOB
What's not to know?

JANE
Are you trying to tell me you are reachable, somewhere, in a
place, a real place that isn't a jungle or a rain forest or a
desert or a void, just one big void, as in Out There Somewhere,
can't say where exactly? It doesn't feel right. It feels as if
maybe that's the way things are supposed to be, that I'm
supposed to have a father who is available to me, but that's not
the way things have ever been, so it's strange, and I don't
trust it. But just in case, what's your number?

BOB
I gave you my number.
 18
JANE
You did?

BOB
When I gave you my address.

(JANE searches for the number)

JANE
Did I write it down? It's gone. It's here, somewhere, but I
think you should give it to me again.

BOB
I just gave it to you.

JANE
Give it to me again. You coulda made it up off the top of your
head. How do I know it's really your number? Give it again. That
way when I find the thing I wrote it on before I can compare it
to this one. It's that syndrome. You know, the Peek-a-Boo thing.
You have to make allowances. It was your responsisbility.

(banging is heard)

JANE
Mrs. Manicotti, is that you?

MRS MANICOTTI
Who else would it be? I had a hunch about the numbers Jean.

JANE
Jane.

MRS. MANICOTTI
Gonna make me rich today, I know it. I'm a lucky woman, and
you're my genie, Jean.

JANE
Jane.

MRS MANICOTTI
I don't wanna bother you, so I'll just slip the money under your
door. I wrote the numbers on the money, so you won't have to
remember what I'm telling you. Got that?
 19

JANE
Got it!

JANE
Thanks Jean!

MRS MANISHEVITZ
Is that you Walter? Walter?

MRS MANICOTTI
I don't know what you're screaming about, Manishevitz, but
there's water here.

MRS MANISHEVITZ
Don't you Manishevitz me, Mrs Manicott

MRS MANICOTTI
You need water? I can fill buckets of water! Where do you want
it, huh? Huh? Hey, you kosher-klutz, give me the signal and I'll
toss it atcha!

MRS MANISHEVITZ
Try it - I'm daring you!

JANE
Can't you two leave each other alone?

MANISHEVITZ
Alone? Who wants to be alone?

MANICOTTI
Nobody lives life hoping to be left alone!
 20
5. A-GNAT-OMY

RAYNELLE
I'm going to have to drop your class.

BOB
But you passed the midterm. You're not doing that badly.

RAYNELLE
I'm taking on more responsibilities at work, to make more money
for my kid, and I won't have time to --

BOB
But you've already taken half the class. Why not finish it and
get a job over the break?

RAYNELLE
By then I'll be due.

BOB
What about the father?

RAYNELLE
Huh?

BOB
The father of your child.

RAYNELLE
Oh he isn't that interested in having a kid right now.

BOB
Doesn't he feel any sense of responsibility? Isn't he going ot
help you out?

RAYNELLE
I haven't seen him much the last few months.

BOB
Isn't he excited at the prospect of becoming a father?

RAYNELLE
This ain't his first kid.
 21
BOB
Fatherhood is rarely forced upon any but the higher animals.

RAYNELLE
I ain't forcing him to be nothing.

BOB
I'm saying that birds make great fathers.

RAYNELLE
I shoulda done it with a bird?

BOB
Most mammals behave honorably, but lower in the scale we find
general indifference in the father as to the fate of the family.

RAYNELLE
So you're saying he's a bug.

BOB
Most insects are inspired to mate like mad, but almost all of
them, when passion subsides, terminate their domestic relations

RAYNELLE
Huh?

BOB
They withdraw, indifferent to their offspring which are expected
to look after themselves the best they can.

RAYNELLE
I hear that.

BOB
So maybe you'll reconsider.

RAYNELLE
Maybe I could do a special project or something for extra credit
cause that might make up for me missing most of the rest of the
classes

BOB
Raynelle, how can I make an exception for you that no one else
gets? Would that be fair?
 22
RAYNELLE
There's a lot of life that ain't fair.

BOB
Would you like to know that you passed this class through a
special kind of consideration? What would that mean in the end?

RAYNELLE
I'd graduate, get a better job, and never think about it again.

BOB
You could get it right the first time. Stick with it. See for
yourself.

RAYNELLE
Gee, that is so supportive of you, Dr. Goldbug, I hardly know
what to say.

BOB
Say you'll continue to take the class.

RAYNELLE
I don't think you hear me when I speak, unless I'm telling you
what you want to hear. It's as if you're speaking one language
and I'm speaking another, or maybe we're just completely
different species.

BOB
What are you saying?

RAYNELLE
I'm gonna be a mother, and I need to deal with that. And I
can't take this class cause it is interfering with my shift
work, with the paycheck that I rely on to invest in diapers

BOB
There are plenty of tribes in the rain forest of Brazil that
don't use any diapers. Their children are fine.

RAYNELLE
I don't live in the rain forest. Can you sign this form?
 23
6. SNUG BUG

(SYLVIA's breakfast nook, hanging plants, light

streams through designer windows. SYLVIA enters with
coffee. SHE talks to JANE who is still in the
kitchen.)

SYLVIA
You come all the way here dressed like that to ask my advice and
then you don't listen. Will you bring in the milk?

(SYLVIA mists her plants.)

SYLVIA
Jane, it's safe here. There is no one lurking in my breakfast
nook, I promise. I don't know what you think will happen.

(JANE enters in trenchcoat

and dark glasses)

JANE
I don't like surprises. I don't like to be ambushed in my own
home.

SYLVIA
You're safe and sound in my home, so take off those glasses.

JANE
I can't. It's too bright in here.

SYLVIA
It's morning Jane. It's supposed to be light. Sunlight: people
enjoy it, bask in it, soak in it, in spite of all the surgery
you'll need to reverse the damage.

JANE
I'll need surgery?

SYLVIA
Forget it

JANE
Has he contacted you?
 24
SYLVIA
Why would he contact me?

JANE
He moves in very small concentric circles. Everything he does is
directly related.

SYLVIA
I haven't seen him in years. Take your coat off. Just because he
called you doesn't mean he's stalking you.

JANE
You don't know that.

SYLVIA
He was always very predictable. Like those frogs you dissect in
high school. Even though they're dead, you can still get them to
jump.

JANE
I'd rather he was dead. I have to kill him

SYLVIA
Want to kill him. You don't have to do anything but die and pay
taxes

(JANE takes smallest smidgen of a

muffin, as if it could be poisoned)

JANE
I want him to stop disappearing. Absence is hard for me

SYLVIA
I thought presence was hard for you -- I thought that's why I
never see you, because you have a thing about presence. If
absence is so hard for you, why be upset that he's back?

JANE
I was finally used to him being gone. I tell people he's dead.
If I kill him it'll be true. I won't have to explain myself. I
don't even know if I can explain myself. But if I kill him then
I will be in charge. Don't you think it's time I was in charge?
 25

SYLVIA
Of your own life, yes. We should all be in charge of our own
lives, but we don't kill for it.

JANE
Good muffin

SYLVIA
Oh, do you like them? I can pack them up for you. I got them at
that little baery --

JANE
Ma, I didn't ask where you got them. I just like them. I don't
need to fill my apartment with designer baked goods.

SYLVIA
But if you enjoy them, Jane, you have so few things.

JANE
Ma I have tons of things

SYLVIA
You could let a person give you something

JANE
What should I do about Dad?

SYLVIA
I don't think it's a great idea to kill him

JANE
Would you sit shiva with me?

SYLVIA
Can't we just mourn? Sitting shiva sounds so ethnic.

JANE
We are ethnic

SYLVIA
I try so hard to maintain a bland existence

JANE
Everyone knows you're Jewish, Ma. Your last name is Goldberg.
 26
SYLVIA
So? It could be German. I could add an extra G.

JANE
I don't think it works that way, and even then you'd be a German
Jew.

SYLVIA
Most people just assume I married a Jew. They feel bad for me
until I tell them I'm divorced. Then they smile and relax. I'm
always sure they're thinking, "well at least she saw the error
in her ways."

JANE
Mom, that's really sick

SYLVIA
You don't get to live in this community if you're just anyone.
It's private. Exclusive. We have our own police force. You might
relax for half a second and feel safe here.

JANE
But if they let you live here only because they think you're not
really Jewish, how safe are we?

SYLVIA
You can pass.

JANE
For what?

SYLVIA
A non-Jew.

JANE
Why would want to?

SYLVIA
Hate crimes are on the rise

JANE
They let you in here because you have money

SYLVIA
Your father's money. His name and his money.
 27
JANE
Is that why you married him?

SYLVIA
At the time, I thought he was cute.

JANE
Cute?

SYLVIA
A girl couldn't just grow up and get a job back then.

JANE
You wanted a job?

SYLVIA
There were certain things I was expected to accomplish, at a
young age too.

JANE
Marriage is an accomplishment?

SYLVIA
If you do it right, yes! We were married at the Plaza Hotel with
three hundred guests in the Main Ballroom and filet mignon for
all of them. It was better than Cinderella.

JANE
She had to wear those awful shoes

SYLVIA
Sometimes you are so strange to me. If she is the belle of the
ball, marrying the Prince of her dreams, what difference does it
make if her feet hurt!

JANE
I'm sorry. I just --

SYLVIA
Don't overreact to me. You're perfectly fine, and I love you,
and I --

JANE
Mourn with me! Can't we pretend he's dead? I don't want to have
to deal with all he's dredging up in me!
 28
SYLVIA
Dredging what up?

JANE
I can't talk about it!

SYLVIA
I'm sorry Jane, yes, of course. We'll mourn. I'll mourn with
you. Let me think how it goes...

JANE
Mom! No! You know we can't mourn!

SYLVIA
You're right! We're not a minyan. We need ten men to mourn for
us. What a shame it is we weren't born men. We would only need
eight men if we were men already. Should I get out my little
black book?

JANE
We can't mourn him because he isn't dead.

SYLVIA
Jane, don't kill him. I'm glad he's back.

JANE
You're glad?

SYLVIA
Maybe this'll give you a chance to repair your relationship. And
then you can move on in your life, get married . . .

JANE
Ma.

SYLVIA
I know you have your issues, but a nice man would / be such a--

JANE
Don't hold your breath.
 29
7. METAMORPHOSIS - THE EGG

BOB
The idea of metamorphosis. Meta means Change. Morph means Form.
All insects change form. Some go through Complete Metamorphosis
and others do it Gradually. This was on the exam. I showed the
slides and you had to give the order, remember? There are eight
major orders of insects. You had to say whether they changed
gradually or completely. Is this room 109? Good. Is this my
eight am Insects 101? Good. Then why are you all looking at me
like fish?
 30
8. METAMORPHISIS - LARVA

(At SYLVIA's as before)

SYLVIA
You could use your father to prepare yourself for a stable
relationship with someone you can trust. That's what you're
looking for, isn't it? You still go to therapy don't you?

JANE
You pay the bills. You know how much I go.

SYLVIA
You could be plotting against me and make a deal with her, where
I pay, and you split the income.

JANE
I never thought of that.

SYLVIA
You didn't tell her to keep billing me and not take any for
yourself? That would be a terrible thing to do to me, Jane. If
that's all you'll let me pay for, at least get something out of
it.

JANE
Ma. . .

SYLVIA
I suppose now that he's back he'll want to be the one to pay for
all that shrinkage!?

JANE
If you want me to, I could suggest it.

SYLVIA
No, I'll do it. I feel privileged to pay. It makes me feel as if
I can make up for any damage I did.

JANE
It's his money, Ma.

SYLVIA
Splitting hairs. It's my privilege.
 31
(BOB goes to JANE's hovel)

SYLVIA
Plus what would he know about therapy?

BOB
Jane? Jane, are you in there? I buzzed but the door wasn't
locked. This isn't the safest building or the safest
environment. Or neighborhood, well, I'm glad I found your door.
Jane?

SYLVIA
He never talked.

BOB
Can we talk?

SYLVIA
He wasn't into talk. I talked.

BOB
You and I never really used to talk.

SYLVIA
He read books. He wrote books.

BOB
You were just a kid back then, so it didn't seem necessary at
the time, but we could change that.

SYLVIA
He told me once that he read somewhere that reading was really
about a desire to get back to the womb. Maybe he was making a
pass at me. I guess I didn't pick up on it at the time.

BOB
I don't think there's anything written in stone that says we
can't talk, that father don't talk to their daughters or vice
versa. I've read a lot of books, but I've never come across
anything like that.

SYLVIA
He was always able to live as if he was alone in the midst of
everything.
 32
BOB
I wasn't the worst Dad in the world, was I? Jane, are you in
there?

SYLVIA
He didn't pay attention. There was nothing that interested him.

MRS MANICOTTI
You looking for Jean?

BOB
Jane.

MRS MANICOTTI
She won't come outta there. Agoraphobic. In all these years I
never laid eyes on her. But when nobody's looking, out she
sneaks like a crawler between the cracks and kablooey! your
whole world changes.

BOB
Excuse me?

MRS MANICOTTI
Lik if you don't got water, you get it. If you coulda seen those
mailboxes the other day, hanging by a thread, and where are they
now?

BOB
On the floor.

MRS MANICOTTI
See what I mean? Change. I'm a lucky woman to have her. But try
to get to open her door? Fuhgeddaboudit.

JANE
I think he's lonely.

BOB
Right. Thanks.

(BOB exits.)

SYLVIA
Bob? Lonely? He doesn't know the meaning of the word.
 33
JANE
It sounds as if he lives in a motel room.

SYLVIA
He probably does. With a revolving door too.
How would you know what a motel room sounds like?

JANE
I can hear it over the phone. Emptiness.

SYLVIA
Watch out for his tricks, Jane. He's probably looking for
sympathy. Did you want some fruit?

JANE
I don't have to call him back, do I?

SYLVIA
The fruit looks so good these days.

JANE
I've been thinking about what might happen if he calls again.

SYLVIA
What do you mean what might happen? You pick up the phone. You
say hello.

JANE
You don't understand. I can't say hello. The whole conversation
we had, it was as if I was someone else. I kept thinking I don't
have a father. My father is gone. Who is this man and what does
he want from me. I don't know how to be his daughter.

SYLVIA
You just are.

JANE
But I can't talk to him. It's all rage. It's all where have you
been? And if I let it out, he'll leave again, and then what?
I'll have to lose him again, the way I lose him all the time in
my recurring dreams, the way I lost him in life for real. I
thought I was finally over this, that I could live with the fact
that he was permanently lost, and now he's back. I can't stand
it. If I get an answering machine, then I won't have to answer.
 34
SYLVIA
You don't have an answering machine????

JANE
Mom, I have a fear of electrical appliances.

SYLVIA
Well, yes, but it never occurred to me that you didn't have an
answering machine.

JANE
And if the answering machine is not enough, then I am going to
have to kill him.

SYLVIA
Everyone has an answering machine. Why haven't I noticed?

JANE
You never call me.

SYLVIA
I remember calling you in college.

JANE
That was the last time you called.

SYLVIA
You had an answering machine then, I know you did.

JANE
I had a roomate.

SYLVIA
Of course, Barbara.

JANE
Brenda. It was her machine.

SYLVIA
Oh, you mean Brenda! I remember her. She was very pretty, wasn't
she? She always wore those flow-y flowery dresses and those
crazy army boots, but she was pretty anyway in spite of the
boots. Did she have a problem with her arches? At least the
dresses were pretty. You might wear dresses like that. Do you
still speak to her?
 35
JANE
I speak to you. It's on my calendar. I call you every Monday
night. We talk, and then we live our lives.

SYLVIA
In the old days, people called their parents on Sunday nights.
She's probably grown up, married with children of her own by
now, do you think?

JANE
No, she's the same age as I am.

SYLVIA
I get so confused about that - I always assume you should be my
age.

JANE
Because you don't see yourself as separate from me.

SYLVIA
She could be married by now if she gave up those boots.

JANE
Would you rather I call you Sunday nights? I can do that.

SYLVIA
No, this feels progressive. I think it's more "us" but why don't
I ever call you?

JANE
Mary Beth, remember?

SYLVIA
That's right! Your shrink told me not to call you.

JANE
So that I can separate. It's helping, right?

SYLVIA
I don't know. I'll have to mull it over.

JANE
Good, mull. So how much is an answering machine?
 36
SYLVIA
We'll go to the mall!

(Lights change)

SYLVIA
How I dream to buy a something for my daughter
How I dream to buy a something for my daughter
An expensive any thing
Just to think it makes me sing
How I dream to buy a something for my daughter
It will be a great big thing that costs a fortune
It will be a great big thing that costs a fortune

JANE
It will hang above my head
Til I wish that I was dead

SYLVIA
It will be a great big thing that costs a fortune
(bridge)
I am not a bad mom
I am not a selfish girl
I only want attention
from the only child that I brought into this world!
(verse)
How I live to buy a something for my daughter
How I live to buy a something for my daughter
What does it mean to be mother
Without guilt to make her suffer
How I live to buy a something for my daughter.

(PURPLE PATTY enters modeling the answering machine

box a la Carol Meryl from The Price Is Right.
BLACKOUT.)
 37
9. BUGGERY

(BOB in BOB's chair with telephone dials. Phone rings

in JANE's hovel. PURPLE PATTY holds it out for JANE.)

PURPLE PATTY
Answer it.

JANE
I can't.

PURPLE PATTY
Jane, how can you do that?

JANE
What/ Ignore it.

PURPLE PATTY
It could be anyone.

JANE
That's the problem.

PURPLE PATTY
It could be Livia.

JANE
I'd know if it was Livia.

PURPLE PATTY
I can't stand it.

JANE
I'd feel it.

PURPLE PATTY
I hafta answer it.

(JANE grabs the phone from PATTY to prevent PATTY from

answering it)

JANE
No!
 38
PURPLE PATTY
It goes against every impulse in my body not to answer a ringing
phone.

(BOB hangs up. The phone stops ringing.)

JANE
It isn't ringing anymore.

PURPLE PATTY
Thank G-d. I thought it would never stop.

JANE
What's wrong with me?

PURPLE PATTY
What, are you hurt?

JANE
Why don't I feel like that?

PURPLE PATTY
Like what?

JANE
I never dove to answer a phone in my life.

PURPLE PATTY
Obviously you have been living in a parallel but very warped
universe.

JANE
I haven't answered the phone since, well I only answer when I"m
sure it's Livia. She lets it ring sometimes for a good ten
minutes. Once I picked up and she had left the phone to take a
shower. All I heard was the water running, but I knew it was
her.

PURPLE PATTY
She must really love you. Let me plug this in, okay?

JANE
No! I'm not ready for it.
 39
PURPLE PATTY
Let me show you and when it's in and working, we'll unplug it
and put it back int he box. No harm done.

(PURPLE PATTY begins to open the box.)

JANE
No! What if I don't have electricity?

PURPLE PATTY
Do you get an electric bill?

JANE
Yeah, but it's just a coupla dollars.

PURPLE PATTY
Don't you ever turn on the lights in here?

JANE
I light candles

PATTY
What about a refrigerator?

JANE
A mini under the sink

PATTY
It works doesn't it?

JANE
I don't keep anything in there

PATTY
What do you eat?

JANE
Peanut butter crackers

PATTY
If you open the fridge door, does the light go on?

JANE
I don't know
 40
PATTY
Jane, you have electricity. Has it hurt you?

JANE
When a person has a phobia, it's not rational. Phobic fear is
always about the Potentiality of being hurt, the Possibility,
not the Actual Reality of the situation.

(The phone in JANE's hand rings, startling JANE who

tosses it up and PURPLE PATTY, as pure reflex, catches
it and answers it. Lights up on BOB.)

PURPLE PATTY (accent)

Hola?

JANE (whispers)
No!

BOB
Is this . . . ?

JANE (whispers)
Don't say anything.

PURPLE PATTY
Hola?

BOB
Are you. . . ? Is this. . . ?

JANE (whispers)
Hang up!

BOB
Do you know my daughter Jane?

PURPLE PATTY(with Latina accent)

Is this a trick question? Are you calling from the radio
station? I never won anything in my entire life. My Daughter
Jane. . . ? Don't hang up on me.

JANE (whispering)
Hang up! Hang up!
 41
PURPLE PATTY
My Daughter Jane is a band? Or a school book character, like
Dick y Jane? Is this school time radio hour? No not possible.
The world has gone to hell. To hell, do you hear me? You never
know what kind of people you find these days. Dick y Jane - I
should say Juana, Ricardo y Juana are gone, finito, no mas,
muerto up the hill with Jack y Jill and the rest of your loco
notions. Is that the song you want me to sing? Will I win
something?
(sings)
So come on a do some loco-notion with me!

JANE (whispers)
Patty, stop it! Hang up!

PURPLE PATTY
Juana y Sadie. Juana y Mabel. Juana y Patty - now there's a
couple I could dream about. Is this a joke? Hola? You are there?
Hola? Did I win? What do I win?

BOB
Excuse me, I must have called the wrong number.

(BOB hangs up. PATTY hangs up.)

PATTY
That was your father?

JANE
I want to kill you for that.

PATTY
He sounds like someone's father.

JANE
How does a father sound?

PURPLE PATTY
He breathes with concern.

JANE
Did it feel empty where he was?
 42
PURPLE PATTY
I don't know - maybe - I got the feeling like he was making a
face, a quizzical kind of face.

JANE
He's a scientist.

PURPLE PATTY
Oh, well that explains it.

(LIGHTS UP on BOB who calls JANE. Phone rings. JANE

pounces on it so PATTY won't be able to answer.)

PURPLE PATTY
This hurts me Jane. You don't know how I've been conditioned to
answer a phone.

(JANE takes the cord out of the phone so the ringing

stops. BOB still hears ringing on his end.)

PURPLE PATTY
Thank you.

(JANE tosses the cord away in disgust.)

JANE
Aaaauuughghghgh! Plugs! That's the problem!!! I never thought of
the phone as electrical but it's got plugs going in and coming
out. Gwaaaugh! Yech Blech! Plugs!

(JANE stomps on the cord. BOB hands up.)

PATTY
You shoulda talked to him. The prodigal father.

JANE
Just do whatever it is you hafta do to get it to work, and then
I can screen my calls.

(PATTY sets up answering machine.)

PURPLE PATTY
Can I record the message?
 43
JANE
I always thought I was afraid of electrical currents, but it
isn't that at all. It's the plugs! Patty, I'm afraid of plugs!

PATTY
You're a lesbian Jane. Plugs, being phallic, are a perfectly
reasonable fear.

JANE
Let me do it.

PURPLE PATTY
Just push the button that says "record."

JANE
I'm pushing a button. Patty, check it out! I'm pushing a button!

PURPLE PATTY
Careful with the button pushing or you'll get me all worked up.

JANE
Jane says: leave a message.

(Answering machine beeps.)

MRS. MANISHEVITZ (sexy)

Walter? Walter, are you in there?

JANE
Mrs. Manishevitz, it's two in the morning, go to sleep.

MRS. MANISHEVITZ
Don't you tell me what time it is. I don't have problems with my
clock. I need a man to fix my pipes.

JANE
You want me to fix your pipes?

MRS. MANISHEVITZ
I want Walter.
 44
10. METAMORPHOSIS - PUPA

BOB
Here are the slides from the exam. The Leafhopper from the Order
of Homoptera - Homo for same, Ptera for wings. Metamorphosis is
Gradual because it grows up to become a larger version of itself
whereas with the Lepidoptera, that's right - Butterfly --
Metamorphosis is Complete. Why? Because it is born one thing and
ends up totally different. Unrecognizable. And this is, excuse
me, I don't know how these got in here. This is my daughter,
Jane. If I can just forward through them, I'm sure we'll get
back to the bugs in just a -- thank you yeah, she was pretty
cute back then. I used to call her my best bug. How old was she?
There? Maybe three? Here we are a few years later on a fishing
trip. If I had a close-up of the water, I'd show you the
Hemiptera - Backswimmers, Water Striders. Here's Jane again, and
again, and finally Coleoptera - Beetles - they have two pairs of
wings like other bugs but they hide the thinner transparent pair
underneath a much tougher outer pair. Their Metamorphosis is
Complete. Drastic. Radical.
 45
11. WHAT'S BUGGING JANE

(Lights up on LIVIA leaving a message on JANE's

machine. JANE in her hovel stalks and catches a roach
in a jar.)

LIVIA
It's me! Jane? Are you there? Come on. I know you're there.

(JANE responds to LIVIA on the machine without

answering the phone so LIVIA doesn't hear JANE.)

JANE
I coulda gone out.

LIVIA
You never leave the apartment, Jane.

JANE
I leave sometimes. I go to the poetry slams.

LIVIA
Ok, sometimes you leave, but not as you, as Jane In Pain.

JANE
I went to see my mother. As me. Sorta.

LIVIA
I'm not gonna go away, Jane.

JANE
You are away Livia.

LIVIA
If you're worried about that lie you told me, the one about your
dad being dead, I won't hold it against you. Baby? We need to
talk eventually. You can't ignore me forever. Jane? Jane...

(JANE answers the phone.)

JANE
I've captured a roach, and I'm holding him hostage under glass,
and he's hideous. Livia? He really was dead. You have to believe
me.
 46
LIVIA
I don't like liars, Jane.

(JANE lights a cigarette.)

JANE
I wasn't lying.

LIVIA
I never asked you to lie to me.

JANE
A fib. This roach I got here, it can climb up glass. It must
have little suction cups on its feet.

(JANE turns the glass over so the roach is in the

bottom on top. SHE holds it up to the light.)

LIVIA
Let's get it straight, Jane.

JANE
We're queer, Livia. There is no straight here.

LIVIA
You told me your father died when you were eleven years old,
right after he married Gloria. I thought you meant it. I thought
it was a terrible thing for you, to lose him so young, when you
were already so hurt by his rejection of you.

(JANE puts out her cigarette in the roach.)

JANE
I'm setting the roach on fire now. I never said he rejected me.

LIVIA
That's what divorce is Jane. My folks had one too, remember?

JANE
Doesn't make you an expert on mine.

LIVIA
Jane let's back up.
 47
JANE
You wanna pretend we aren't lovers, is that it?

LIVIA
I didn't mean it like that. I'm just trying to understand what
happened to make you say he was dead. Jane, I try to understand
you. I really do.

JANE
Maybe that's the problem.

LIVIA
Okay, I forgive you. If you wanna talk about it, I'm here.

JANE
But you aren't here. You haven't been here for days.

LIVIA
Jane, I don't know what happened, but it affects you, it's
changed you, and I wish you wouldn't shut it all out so fast,
because something happened, and we should talk about it, or
maybe you could talk about it with Mary Beth or someone, anyone.
It's an opportunity.

JANE
Oh yes! The chance of a lifetime! I was better off when I could
mourn him.

(Knocking)

MRS. MANISHEVITZ
Are you in there, Walter? Mrs. Manicotti said she ran into a
strong handsome man in the hallways and all I could think was:
it had to be you! Remember, Walter? I have a recording of that
song I could play for you. We could have a drink. If you want, a
cigar. A little once around the dance floor that is 3B. I did a
little sweeping today. Was it you, Walter? Was she talking about
you?

LIVIA
Jane, are you there?

JANE
Yes, I'm the only one who is here.
 48
LIVIA
You put all the people in your life into little boxes and try to
keep them where you think they need to be, but people can't live
that way.

JANE
You're the one who lives out of a suitcase.

LIVIA
Don't try to turn this around and make me the problem here.
You're lying to all the people who love you.

JANE
Who loves me?

LIVIA
I do. I love you Jane. I love you.

JANE
If that was true then you would be here. We'd be together.

MRS. MANICOTTI
I'm leaving you a piece of pie, Jean. For good luck. For my
lottery tickets. Eat it in good health. Only I can't slip it
under your door, cause it don't fit. It's a nice piece of pie. I
bought it on the corner. I don't bake anymore. Too much trouble
to tell you the truth. Whether you bake it yourself or buy it,
nobody gives a flying fatootie. So why bother? Amiright? Enjoy!
 49
12. EXTERMINATION STRATEGIES

(PATTY and JANE in JANE's hovel.)

PATTY
I won't do it.

JANE
I want to destroy him.

PATTY
You're demonizing him, thinking the same way governments do,
that's how you build up a military.

JANE
He's an animal.

PATTY
The Serbs called the Muslims vermin.

JANE
I don't have to invent this shit.

PATTY
Netanyahu called the Palestinians grasshoppers.

JANE
Before I even knew what an animal was, he was one.

PATTY
Hitler made the Jews into monkeys.

JANE
Are you calling me Hitler?

PATTY
Think of the slaves, all the terrible things said about Blacks
being less than human, studies on the size of their brains.

JANE
They did that to wimmin too.

PATTY
See?
 50
JANE
See what? What are you trying to tell me?

PATTY
It's gotta stop.

JANE
Patty, you're the only one I know who can help me with this.

PATTY
He's just one man.

JANE
One man? Just one man? He's my Father! That's Patriarch with a
capital P, to me.

PATTY
Tell me what he did that was so bad.

JANE
Raised me, isn't that enough? Or didn't raise me.

PATTY
Jane, you're allowed to be upset. You're allowed to be mad. But
you can't blow people up. It's against the law.

JANE
Whose law? Man's? Man made the law because he knew that one day,
eventually, if he pushed us far enough, we would want to blow
him up.

PATTY
I don't wanna blow up anybody.

JANE
Fathers are supposed to be protective of their children, keep us
from harm, shield us from pain, not cause it.

PATTY
There are bad fathers. Just like my mother used to go through
the candy on Halloween to make sure there were no hidden razor
blades, there are bad people in this world.

JANE
He's tormenting me.
 51
PATTY
Send him some hate mail. Sue him for mental anguish.

JANE
More. Bigger. Serious.

PATTY
But why??? Did he ever abuse you?

JANE
In what way?

PATTY
In an abusive way.

JANE
You want to know what he did? He left. He wasn't around when he
was around, and when he left, he left, and it hurt, and it still
hurts, and now he says he's back and why should I believe that?
How many times will he have to leave me before it's all over?

PATTY
What do you mean over?

JANE
Eventually he'll die. So why can't I be in control of it? Once
and for all. I need to make sure he can never come back. If he
ever comes back, he'll only leave me again when he dies.
You were ROTC, right?

PATTY
But that doesn't mean that I'll --

JANE
But it wouldn't be like that.

PATTY
I'm no Timothy McVeigh

JANE
We'd only get him

PATTY
He lives in an apartment, Jane. There are other people involved.
 52
JANE
Then his car. We could wire his car.

PATTY
We?

JANE
I'd go with you. I'd help.

PATTY
A bomb goes off in some rich guy's car? A rich Jew's car? The
Israeli army'll be all over me. No way.

JANE
It won't be like that. He's got enemies.

PATTY
Yeah, you.

JANE
We could make it look like a robbery.

PATTY
A robbery is not a bomb. You can't just blow a person up like -
that!

JANE
Why not?

JANE'S ANSWERING MACHINE

See Spot Shit.

PATTY
What the -- ?

JANE'S ANSWERING MACHINE

See Spot shit on Dick.

JANE
I don't need a ringer with an answering machine.

JANE'S ANSWERING MACHINE

Good dog Spot!

(Machine beeps. JANE and PATTY listen.)

 53
BOB
Would you like to talk, Jane? I wonder if there's anything I can
do for you. This is not a bribe, Jane. I am not your mother. I
am only asking to find out who you are.
It's not a two way street here. You remember what I look
like, only now I'm older. I put on some weight, but I'm not much
different. But I don't necessarily know what you look like.
When you were born you looked pretty strange - to me. You
looked like a baby -- any any baby -- but I didn't spend a lot
of time... the way your mother did, which in retrospect... at
least I might have...
One day you kinda surprised me, looking less like a baby
and more like a person, kind of amazing but by then you weren't
really mine. I kind of gave up ... Your mother - you were her
concern So maybe I didn't do such a great job.
So you might look something like the kid I remember - from
that day when I realized that you were going to be your own
person - not like anyone's baby. I don't know where all these
ideas come from but that's the way I remember it.
Oh, I should have said, this is your father.

(MACHINE beeps. Call is over - BOB is out of time.)

BOB
Hello?
 54
12. LUGNUT

(GLORIOUS AUTOBODY, GLORIA's garage. Workbench, power

tools, locker. GLORIA is welding. Sparks fly. Her head
is completely covered with a welder's helmet. SHE
wears gloves, a mechanic's jumpsuit/coverall and spike
heels. PATTY, with a duffel bag, pulls JANE, paranoid
in her trenchcoat and dark glasses, into the garage.)

PATTY
C'mon!

JANE
She's very Catholic. Very Italian. And she does not know. Okay?

PATTY
Know what?

JANE
Exactly. Oh, and one more thing. She thinks I'm celibate.

PATTY
You're shitting me.

JANE
She thinks I'm thinking of becoming a nun.

PATTY
Maybe I should just wait here.

JANE
Patty...

PATTY
You talk to her. There are some nice cars outside.

JANE
Don't get too excited. She mostly guts them for parts. You are
gonna help me, right?

PATTY
I just felt like taking the train to Queens today. For no reason
at all. Go on!
 55
JANE
Gloria? Gloria! GLORIA!!!

PATTY (air guitar)

G-L-O-R-I-A, Gloria...

JANE
GLORIA!

GLORIA (turns off welder)

What? What what what?
(takes off helmet)
That's my name, don't wear it out!
(sees JANE)
JANIE! Ooooh, come her and gimme a hug!

(GLORIA takes off helmet and gloves revealing huge

head of blonde hair, fabulously made-up face and long
red fingernails. THEY hug. PATTY slips outside.)

GLORIA
You feel thin. Are you thin? Lemme lookatchya. Whaddya eat?

JANE
I eat.

GLORIA
But what? It's important.

JANE
I'm in crisis and it's warped my sense of food.

GLORIA
Jane, there are appetites in the world that cannot be denied

JANE
I thought you were celibate

GLORIA
I'm talking about food, and besides I'm not exactly your perfect
sorta Catholic. Whaddyou eat?

JANE
Peanut butter crackers.
 56
GLORIA
That's all?

JANE
I had this craving for reconstituted sun-dried tomatoes, so I
found a recipe in that book you gave me, and I thought I'd eat
that.

GLORIA
Sun-dried tomatoes are not a meal. With what? How? Talk to me.

JANE
The recipe explained all about reconstitution, and then it said
to wait three days.

GLOIRA
So?

JANE
So I"m waiting.

GLORIA
Janie, you gotta eat better. You look all worn out.

JANE (shrugs)
How's work? You busy?

GLORIA
It's a garage. It's up and down, get it up and down?

JANE
Is that welding?

GLORIA
Since when you are so interested in what I do?

JANE
I was thinking of asking you if I could borrow it.

GLORIA
This? You don't know a thing about --

JANE
Gloria, I brought a friend. You want to meeta frienda mine?
 57
GLORIA
Janie! You haven't brought a guy here in so long. I miss those
days. Remember?

JANE
No. It's not a guy.

GLORIA
So where is she then? And what's all the fuss?

JANE
She didn't wanna just walk in. She's whatever, she's my friend,
okay?

GLORIA
Have I ever been mean to your friends? Have I?

JANE
No.

GLORIA
So tell her to get her butt in here.

JANE
Okay.

(JANE goes to get PATTY)

GLORIA
Jeez!
(to G-d)
Sorry.

(JANE and PATTY enter)

GLORIA
Hello

JANE
Gloria, this is Patty. Patty, my ex-stepmom, Gloria.

GLORIA
I can still be your stepmom even if I'm not married to your Dad
 58
JANE
Okay, my stepmom.

PATTY
Cool shop.

GLORIA
Thanks.

PATTY
You mind if I weld a few things?

GLORIA
Um, yes. I mind.

PATTY
Cool.
(to JANE)
I tried.

GLORIA
What's going on girls?

JANE
Wimmin. Girls are under twelve.

PATTY
Those are fierce pumps. Don't they kill your feet?

JANE (covering for GLORIA)

They look pretty comfy to me.

PATTY
Jane, get real. Those are four inch spikes.

GLORIA
Some women have more important things on their mind.

PATTY
Than the way their feet feel? If my feet hurt, forget it. You
might as well shoot me.

GLORIA
It makes my customers feel better. It isn't always easy being a
gal mechanic.
 59
PATTY
I hear ya. I was motor pool in the army, only we wore regs.

JANE
She means regulation boots, right Patty?

GLORIA
I know what she means. My brothers all served.

PATTY
In the Gulf?

GLORIA
Korea and Nam.

JANE
She's older than you thought, huh?

GLORIA
Jane.
(to PATTY)
Did you like? The Army?

PATTY
I'm a pacifist now.

GLORIA
So are my brothers, the two that came back.

PATTY
Sorry.

GLORIA
Thanks. Where are you from?

PATTY
Puerto Rico. You?

JANE GLORIA
She is not. Patty, you are not. Astoria.

PATTY (cued from GLORIA)

That's cool.
 60
JANE
What are you talking about? Patty, tell her where you're from.

PATTY
I'm Puerto Rican

JANE
She was born in the Bronx. Patty, even your parents were born in
the Bronx. Why can't you just say you're from the Bronx.

PATTY
Cause that's not what Gloria expects me to say, it's not what
she's asking, is it?

GLORIA
I was only asking.

JANE
Are you saying she's a racist? Is that what you're --

PATTY
That's not what I said,

GLORIA
Girls, girls!

PATTY
She wanted to hear it. I felt that. I'm not an idiot.

JANE
So you're lying to her? I don't get it.

GLORIA
GIRLS!!!

JANE AND PATTY

WIMMIN!

PATTY
You wanna tell her what she wants to hear. I'm just following
your lead.

GLORIA
What? What's she telling me?
 61
JANE
Nothing - doesn't matter.
(to PATTY)
Will you just build the damn thing and let's get outta here.

PATTY
She said no. She doesn't want me using her equipment. It's a
pretty big ask for a stranger who just walks in off the street.

JANE
You didn't just walk in - I brought you in

GLORIA
Whaddya need welded? Is that what this is about?

JANE
Forget it. Just --

PATTY
Tell her who you are and I'll do it

GLORIA
Do what?

(GLORIA goes into PATTY's bag and finds the parts

to make the bomb.)

JANE
Don't you out me in front of my family

PATTY
You won't let me be P-R, You can't pretend to be HET

GLORIA
What's all this for?

JANE (to PATTY)

You really suck for a friend, you know that?

PATTY
I only came with you because I am your friend. Anyone else would
be crazy to do this.

GLORIA
Is this a bomb? Are you girls building a bomb?
 62
JANE AND PATTY
Wimmin!

JANE
I'm the one who's crazy to think you'd bother to help me.

PATTY
I'm here aren't I?

GLORIA
You girls are lovers, lesbians, amiright?

JANE AND PATTY

WIMMIN!

GLORIA
You can't fool me - I know all about that sorta thing.

PATTY
What sorta thing?

GLORIA
Two girls plotting murder while they hump each other's thighs

JANE
We are not lovers, Gloria, I swear to you.

GLORIA (disappointed)
That's a shame

PATTY
But we are both lesbians

JANE
How could you?

PATTY JANE (covers ears)

Jane's been with Livia Oh say you can see, by
for the past seven months the dawn's early light
I've only had a string what so proudly we hail
of short lived affairs by the twilight's last
with mostly emotionally gleaming dah dah dah...
unavailable wimmin, but
the last one had a great house on Fire Island
 63
GLORIA (to PATTY)
Sounds familiar.
(to JANE)
Are you finished?

JANE (to GLORIA)

Yes.
(to PATTY)
Didja mention Livvy's black? Didja tell her that too?

GLORIA
Can I just ask you one thing?

JANE
What?

GLORIA
Is this a bomb?

JANE
I hope so.

(GLORIA opens locker revealing inner door

plastered with pin ups of naked men. SHE grabs a
shot gun, then the bomb, then exits.)

JANE
What are you doing? Gloria?

PATTY (about locker or gun)

Gloria, wow, that's cool

JANE
Where are you going? What are you doing? Is that the bomb? But
you said it had to be welded, you said, you didn't finish it,
did you?

PATTY
I only told you that to slow you down. I didn't think you knew a
welder.

(SHOT GUN FIRES once. BOMB explodes. JANE and

PATTY hit the floor. GLORIA enters in a cloud of
dust returning shot gun to the locker. LIGHTS
SHIFT TO GLORIA at THE SLAM)
 64
GLORIA
How to Build a Better Bombshell
by Gloria Gayle

a bomb is a bomb is a bomb is a bomb / i have personal

experience / but a bomb is not necessarily a bombshell /
in my own opinion only / a bombshell is a blonde / is a blonde
bombshell a bomb / i say yes yes yes yes yes yes yes / a blonde
with aplomb is a bombshell of a bomb / and she is power

Hit it Boys!

(A garage-type band starts up with lots of percussion

especially the banging of hubcaps)

GLORIA
inside this blonde bombshell
i'm a mean machine
I'm a flywheel flygirl
who runs on high test supreme
check out my clutch
check out my fanny belt
where you wanna touch
that's where I wanna be felt
GLORIOUS AUTOBODY
GLORIOUS AUTOBODY
alternating dipsticks
i'm dripping in my oil pan
idling I wear lipsticks
my spark plug's hot wherever I am
check out my motor mount
see me ignite
power steering automatic
shift me into overdrive
GLORIOUS AUTOBODY
GLORIOUS AUTOBODY
i know more about cars
than any man alive
autobody gal can switch
on the fly to four wheel drive
GLORIOUS AUTOBODY
GLORIOUS AUTOBODY
high performances with low-slung curves
 65
GLORIA (to JANE and PATTY)
What else you got?

JANE
She's not from Puerto Rico, she's from the Bronx.

GLORIA
Patty, about these pumps. I got two prosthetic devices. For
legs. From the knees down. They're not real. Lost them in an
accident, how long's it been Jane? Twenty years?

JANE
17?

GLORIA
Feels like forever

PATTY
I'm sorry. I was just --

GLORIA
I know. You're trying to help your nutjob friend. Look, it's no
big deal.

(GLORIA does a tap step or two.)

GLORIA
A little trick from rehab. The pumps don't hurt cause I can't
actually feel them. I had my feet designed this way. Figured I
should get something for my trouble.

PATTY
I guess so.

GLORIA
If I gotta wear em, they might as well be sexy

PATTY
I hear ya

GLORIA
Since then I've had my boobs done, my face, my tummy, the whole
nine yards! My nails are the only part of me that's real, cause
who'da think it? Patty, can I give you a tip?
 66
PATTY
Yeah

GLORIA
You wanna try to shock a person? Go all out. And you, Miss
Priss, you think I never heard of a lesbian before?

JANE
I'm sorry

GLORIA
For???

JANE
For not telling you myself, sooner.

GLORIA
That's better

JANE
That's it? That's all you have to say?

GLORIA
What did you expect?

JANE
Hail Mary's. Fire and Brimstone. Hell and G-d's wrath.

GLORIA
A coupla my girlfriends grew up to become nuns. I'd be a heck of
a lot happier if they'd just come out already so we could go
back to our old neighborhood and do shots.

JANE
That's it?

GLORIA
I'm more concerned about the bomb I just blew up.

PATTY
I didn't think it would actually go off.
 67
GLORIA
That's what I was afraid of. Jane, you're acting very strange.
You want my lunch? You feel faint?

JANE
No thanks. I got peanut butter crackers. You want me to go?

GLORIA
Janie, you can come here whenever you want, but it's not like
you.

JANE
I know. Agoraphobics don't usually run around like this but Dad
showed up and --

GLORIA
Your father? That low-down prick of a -- I shoulda known. I knew
it couldn't last.

JANE
What couldn't last?

GLORIA
Peace, quiet, normalcy.

JANE
Did he call you?

GLORIA
Why would be call me. He merely thinks of me and something rises
up in him, and it ain't his dick.

(Sirens are heard passing.)

PATTY
She made me build it! She made me come with her!

GLORIA
That'll hold up in court.

JANE
Is that the police?

GLORIA
You shoulda thoughta that earlier.
 68
JANE
He's been harrassing me. I'll plead insanity. You can tell them
about your accident, how you lost your legs, your boobs and
your--

GLORIA
Jane, Jane, I hate to break it to ya, but the cops got better
things to do than deal with your bomb which, now that I think of
it, is not such a bad idea. Only not a car bomb. A car is a
beautiful machine. You gotta respect a machine like that. But
your every day run-a-the-mill kinda Dad like Bob who destroyed
me? I will make a bomb for He Who Never Leaves His Chair to
shred his ass, that's easy!

JANE
So you'll build us a better bomb?

GLORIA
I will build you the best bomb ever! But I thought you dykes
were supposed to be good at this?

PATTY
It went off, didn't it?
 69
13. METAMORPHOSIS - NYMPH

RAYNELLE
You know all that stuff you keep talking about in class about
metamorphosis? I have a European History class all about this
futile system and how people are born into a certain class. I
keep thinking that the class you're born into is kinda like
those eight insect orders. I keep thinking that if change can be
either gradual or complete, then I really don't understand how I
fit into the order of things. Feels to me like I do both.

BOB
I don't understand your question

RAYNELLE
I keep thinking how my mother told me not to come here. She said
I'd change myself forever, turn out too different to be a part
of my family.

BOB
That's ridiculous. You'll always be a part of your family. You
can't change that.

RAYNELLE
But still, I had to come and see for myself, and yeah it changes
me, but I also stay the same. So what is it?

BOB
This sounds to me like more of a life question. I'm not very
good at those.

RAYNELLE
But you help me all the time, Professor Goldbug.

BOB
I do?

RAYNELLE
That's why I didn't drop your class. I dropped art history
instead. I'd rather know about bugs than a bunch of dead
European guys.

BOB
You would?
 70
RAYNELLE
You know it

BOB
No I don't know it. I didn't know it.

RAYNELLE
Aw, come on. I like your office hours. I like to ask you stuff.
I don't know what to ask about bugs, and all I can think about
is the baby, but I like coming by to ask you stuff.

BOB
But I rarely know how to answer your questions

RAYNELLE
I don't expect you to have all the answers. You're just supposed
to make sure that I keep thinking. You're not perfect but it's
good that you're here.
 71
14. BUG HABITATS

(BOB's apartment. JANE tiptoes like a stalker. PATTY

has Gloria's leopard-print case that SHE puts on the
floor by BOB's chair.)

PATTY
You don't have to walk like that.

JANE
This is how I always walk.

PATTY
There's no one here.

JANE
I'm phobic. And I'm not used to breaking and entering.

PATTY
It's about acting as if you belong.

JANE
Is that what they taught you in the army?

PATTY
No one will suspect you if they think you belong.

JANE
But I don't belong here.

PATTY
In your father's apartment? Doesn't family count for anything?

JANE
No. What if he has a maid?

(JANE ducks and covers.)

PATTY
Jane, there's no one here. Relax.

JANE
I'll try.
 72
PATTY
If anyone shows up in the middle of this, just act casual.
They'll ever even remember you were here. Pretend everything you
do is entirely appropriate.

JANE
Setting a bomb under my father's chair is not appropriate.

PATTY
You have the potential to be really good at this.

JANE
Not a skill I'm trying to cultivate.

(PATTY open the case with a click. JANE eats a package

of peanut butter cookies.)

(BOB enters SYLVIA's breakfast nook. SYLVIA holds the

plant spritzer like a gun pointed at BOB.)

BOB
I just thought that maybe we could talk for a minute.
Rationally. Like adults.

SYLVIA
I'm listening.

BOB
Sylvia, please, can you put that thing down?

SYLVIA
It's water for my plants. It's my mister.

BOB
I used to be your mister.

SYLVIA
There's a difference. This is life-giving. You were life taking.

BOB
I gave you Jane, didn't I?
 73
SYLVIA
Yes, and my life evaporated as hers grew. I had to stay home and
take care of her, no life for Sylvia, no exciting adventures,
just spit up and mashed bananas for many many years.

BOB
It wasn't really like that.

SYLVIA
Wasn't it? Then why haven't I done anything with my life?

BOB
Like what?

SYLVIA
I should have written a book by now or climbed the Matterhorn.

BOB
What about Jane, Sylvia? You raised Jane.

SYLVIA
Can't you ever be supportive? Do you always have to point out a
person's failures?

(LIVIA enters JANE's hovel. The water in the bath is

running.)

LIVIA
Jane? I let myself in Jane. I guess you're in the tub?

(LIVIA sees JANE's recent bug collection -- many

roaches captured in glass jars.)

LIVIA
Jane, this is not the way to get rid of roaches.

(PATTY puts the bomb together.)

PATTY
Green wire.

JANE
Green wire. Check. I knew he'd never get rid of this chair.
 74
LIVIA
You can't keep roaches as pets. They have babies, and the babies
are small enough to fit through the airholes you made. You're
creating an enormous happy roach family.

PATTY
Explosive material.

JANE
Explosive materal. Great title for a piece. I gotta write that
down.

PATTY
Try to concentrate.

JANE
Did you notice how the seat is permanently impressed with his
butt-print?

BOB
Do you really think she's such a failure?

SYLVIA
She's twenty-four years old. What's she done with her life?

BOB
I don't know

SYLVIA
Well neither do I.

BOB
She lives in a roach-infested tenement

SYLVIA
Then it's worse than I imagined

BOB
Haven't you been there?

SYLVIA
Do you think she'd still be living there if I'd seen it? She
won't let me. She's terrified to let anyone in because the last
person she could relate to was you, and you left her.
 75
BOB
Please Syl, I just need to know how to reach her
(indicating his heart)
in here.

SYLVIA
Obviously you know more about her than I do

BOB
Not the important stuff

SYLVIA
Suddenly she's important to you?

BOB
She's my daughter

SYLVIA
Never mattered before

BOB
I don't have to explain myself to you

SYLVIA
You want my advice?

BOB
Yes. Advise me. Please.

(LIVIA sees cigarette in glass jar. )

LIVIA
I knew you were smoking again. I could hear you over the phone.

(LIVIA sees cigarette put out in roach)

LIVIA
Augugh! Jane, what are you doing? Torturing them with
cigarettes? This isn't healthy.

(LIVIA crushes roach underfoot)

LIVIA
G-d they're everywhere.
 76
PATTY
Timing device

JANE
Who lives like this?

PATTY
He's a minimalist.

JANE
He's a small invertebrate creature. Spineless. Mostly abdomen.
With rented furniture. There is almost nothing here of his
except this chair. The Dad chair. And the chair doesn't so much
say Dad as it says once again Dad's not here. If this chair
wasn't here I wouldn't know whose apartment this is. He doesn't
collect beer labels or shot glasses from roadside rest stops. If
you opened the kitchen cabinets you won't find a single funny
coffee mug. What kind of prints does he hang on the walls?
Pictures of seashells and sunsets same as a motel. Nothing he
chose for himself. Not even a menorah. Would anyone walking in
here even imagine he might be Jewish? I doubt it. Maybe I
imagine this chair.

PATTY
This chair is real Jane. You're not imagining this chair

JANE
I imagine him then I imagine his absence He probably doesn't
exist at all

PATTY
His name was on the mailbox. Peek-a-boo! Jane, I need you to
concentrate now. I don't want to screw this up. Timing device.

LIVIA
I'm going to the store Jane. I'm gonna buy you a bug-bomb, two
bombs. Try to finish your bath and get dressed so that when I
get back we'll set them off, and you can stay at my place
tonight. I'll help you leave Jane. It'll be ok. I promise. I've
missed you!

(LIVIA exits)
 77
JANE
Are there people who don't have personalitites? Can a person be
a blank slate? What would that mean? What's in their minds? Is
it totally empty? Doesn't everyone want to distinguish themself
in some way, make a mark in the world, announce themselves,
insist on their individuality?

PATTY
Timing device. Timing device. Thank you Jane. Check. Check!

SYLVIA
And what about your timing? Did you ever think to ask first
before you decided to impose yourself on Jane's life?

BOB
I didn't think it would be so difficult.

SYLVIA
You just didn't think

JANE
Thank you Patty for coming with me. I wouldn't have done this
alone

PATTY
That's just what I want to hear right now. How this felony would
not have happend without me

JANE
I needed this

PATTY
Feel better now? Can we call the whole thing off?

JANE
Just the opposite. He doesn't even have a single photo of me. I
don't even exist here. I want to hide here and watch the bomb go
off.

PATTY
That is not a good idea.

(LIVIA enters JANE's hovel with two roach bombs. The

bath water is still running.)
 78
LIVIA
Jane, are you still in the tub?

(LIVIA checks the bath)

LIVIA (off)
Jane, I asked you -- Jane? Jane!
(entering)
Where are you?

SYLVIA
You are probably the reason Jane is the way she is today.

BOB
I'll have to take that as a compliment Sylvia since I don't know
how she is yet. Maybe she has good reasons for being the way she
is. How is she?

SYLVIA
She's a mess! And I have spent the past 24 years of her life
trying to be supportive.

BOB
I've paid for all that support.

SYLVIA
You? You've ignored her or antagonized her and all of her
conditions, fears, phobias and craziness. There's no reason to
let you near her now.

BOB
You never wanted to let me near her. If I ever tried to be a
good father, you

SYLVIA
You tried?

BOB
You always had to find a way to interrupt, throw yourself once
again smack dab in the middle like you are right now

SYLVIA
I didn't ask you to come here
 79
BOB
Jane was always a problem according to you

SYLVIA
I have reports from trained professionals.

PATTY
Midnight, right?

JANE
Right. I mean check.

PATTY
You're sure he'll be here?

JANE
Where else would be be? People don't change. He falls asleep
every night in this chair.

PATTY
Most people go to bed.

JANE
My mother was in the bed.

PATTY
He married her, didn't he?

JANE
So?

PATTY
Don't you think he ever went to bed with her?

JANE
He couldn't stand her!

BOB
Do you think things woulda been different for us if it wasn't
for Jane?

SYLVIA
Bob, how can you say such a thing?
 80
BOB
Right. Of course. Forget I said it.

SYLVIA
Would you like to stay for dinner?

(LIVIA uses the memo option on the answering machine

to leave a message for JANE.)

LIVIA
Jane, I was worried about you, about us, and I let myself in.
The apartment's a mess. I set off two roach bombs, and I'm going
to my place. Call me when you get this. Oh, and I turned off the
bath water. You shouldn't stay here, it's toxic. So come to my
place as soon as you get this message. I miss you.

(PATTY places bomb, now ticking, under BOB's chair as

LIVIA sets off two roach bombs and fog begins to fill
JANE's hovel. LIVIA exits. SYLVIA lights candles for
dinner. PATTY puts tools away and clicks case shut.)

PATTY
Ready?

JANE
I can't leave yet.

(LIVIA re-enters JANE's hovel covering her mouth and

nose because of the toxic bomb. SHE searches for paper
and pen to leave JANE a note.)

LIVIA
I'm sorry Jane, but I have to do this. I'm not crazy. You are
crazy. I can't spend the rest of my life with crazy wimmin.

(LIVIA leaves note and exits. BOB and SYLVIA finish

dinner.)

BOB
Thank you Sylvia, this was really delicious.

SYLVIA
You don't have to say that Bob, I'm not the greatest cook in the
world.
 81
BOB
We both know that Sylvia but I haven't had a home cooked meal
since Victoria threw me out.

PATTY
Where are the letters to evacuate all the other tenants?

JANE
Here

PATTY
Excellent, very official looking.

JANE
It is official from the last time they did EPA testing in my
building.

SYLVIA
Bob, do you find me at all attractive?

BOB
Sylvia. . .

PATTY
Jane, we have to go

JANE
I can't leave him

PATTY
You're not leaving him. He is the one who always leaves you.

JANE
But now it's my turn to leave

PATTY
He's not even here.

JANE
That's the problem. I don't know if it'll make any sense if I
say this but I don't know how to leave his absence

PATTY
Knowing how and doing are two separate thing. We're leaving now.
 82
(Lights change to Poetry Slam)

LIVIA
my baby isn't closeted
she's just neurotic positive
she's young and neurotic and white

she makes a big assumption

that i care about her problems
as if i have no fears of my own
i'm caught in the bind of
what's yours ours and my love
gets trapped every time
she says she won't leave home

my baby has her issues

with abandonment, the tissues
she goes through, the hours spent
consoling her, and what about
my own resentment seeing how
i'm not content to take care of her
young and neurotic and white

and if i try to leave her

she starts with i told you so's
the tears the blowing of her nose
it's quite a sight

i'm gonna be stronger this time

gonna be tough i swear it pack all my stuff
and leave for good without a fight
she's sweet but you can have her
she's young and neurotic and white
 83
15. BUGGING OUT

(JANE enters her hovel filled with the haze from the
bomb SHE doesn't know was set off. SHE coughs. SHE
bangs on a neighbor's surface.)

JANE
Hello? Mrs. Manicotti? dd you come in here and turn off my
bathwater? Mrs. Manishevitz? Are you in there? Did you come in
here to smoke? It's awful smoky in here.

(BOB in bed with SYLVIA.)

BOB
I really should be going.

SYLVIA
Oh? Oh sure. Right. Of course.

JANE
Mrs. Manicotti? Mrs. Manishevitz? How come you people are always
bugging me when I wanna be alone, and the minute I wanna ask you
a question you disappear?

SYLVIA
I have a nice new chair in the den if you want to spend the
night.

BOB
That's okay. Have you seen my -- here it is.
It'was good to see you again.

SYLVIA
Yeah, same here. Wait, don't leave yet?

(LIGHTS down on BOB and SYLVIA as their romance

re-ignites.)

JANE
Mrs. Manicotti? I bought you the lottery cards you asked me to
get. They're gonna call your number otnight and I'll be holding
the ticket. Mrs. Manishevitz, you've been stalking me for weeks
now. Don't you have a toilet backed up in there or something you
want me to fix?
(MORE)
 84
JANE
I know I'm supposed to be your super, but I'm really not a super
person. I'm not cut out to be a super. I'm a nice Jewish girl
from Connecticut. No, sorry. Correction. I'm a dyke. I'm a dyke.
I'm a lousy fucking dyke.

MRS MANICOTTI (off)

I don't like you using that kinda language in the building.
You'll give us all a complex. Let me in there so I can tell you
something to your face.

MRS. MANISHEVITZ (off)

She doesn't have to let you in. Nobody has to open their door to
nobody, and everybody's gonna have to get used to that.

JANE
I'll let you in. I'll let you both in.

MANICOTTI
Look at you. You're a nice-looking girl.

MANISHEVITZ
Living in a disaster of an apartment. But you've got potential.

JANE
Potential for what?

MANISHEVITZ
We could clean you up and you could do something with yourself.

JANE
I can't do anything

MANICOTTI
Who says?

JANE
I can't even fix the mailboxes.

MANISHEVITZ
She's got a point.

MANICOTTI
Is it terribly smoky in here?
 85
JANE
It was better when you were gone. I don't need to hear your
disappointment in me.

MANISHEVITZ
She's upset now. You went and got her all upset.

MANICOTTI
We're leaving. We're not stupid people.

MANISHEVITZ
You could learn to take care of yourself Jane. You hear me?

MANISHEVITZ exits

MANICOTTI
Before you can take care of yourself you have to be able to give
yourself the love you need - I read this book all about how
women always give away everything they should be keeping for
themselves. I went to that store around the corner the one with
all the trashy nighties in the window, you have to go down a few
steps to get there and you feel as if you're climbing toward
hell. I went in there got myself a little toy to help with my
bladder control and you wanna know something Jean - it works! I
feel like a new woman. I highly recommend it whether you gotta
bladder problem or not. You spend a little more each month on
batteries but you smile more too. You should do something about
the smoke in here - I can hardly breathe

MANICOTTI exits

SYLVIA (in bed with BOB)

I have a nice new chair in the den, if you wanna spend the
night.

BOB
Oh, that's nice Sylvia. Very funny.

JANE coughs and stumbles to

the phone while BOB dresses

JANE
I'm looking for Olivia Randolph, she's staying there. She
checked out? Isn't this Hartford? But maybe she went to a
different branch. Can you check the other branches?
 86
BOB
It was good to see you again.

SYLVIA
Same here.

BOB goes to kiss SYLVIA

goodbye but gets air. SYLVIA
reconsiders and pulls BOB
toward her for a real kiss.

SYLVIA
Wait, don't leave just yet.

Lights up on LIVIA on phone. JANE's CALL WAITING BEEPS

JANE
If I asked you for a room tonight in say Stamford wouldn't you
be able to tell me if there's a room or not. No, I don't want
the number for the Stamford one. I'm looking for my girlfriend.
You think you can hut my feelings calling me that but I don't
think it's a bad name. I think heterosexual is a bad name. What
if I called you a heterosexual, how would you feel?

LIVIA calls JANE

JANE
Beep you!

JANE hangs up and her phone rings.

JANE
Shut up!

JANE picks up and immediately

hangs up her phone. JANE finds
note from LIVIA

JANE
Dear Jane, Aaaaughughughgh! Dear Jane, Dear Jane, if I'm so
dear, why is everyone always leaving me?!

JANE stomps on floor and notices

roaches are dead. Roaches in jars
- she sees - are dead too!
 87
JANE
They're dead. They're all dead! And I killed them!
(to note)
Livia, I am not crazy. Didn't I tell you he was dead? He's dead.
I speak the truth now. And if he isn't dead now he will be.
In... Any minute. Are you satisfied?

JANE rips up note, coughs and

rushes out of the apartment

Ticking. GLORIA enters BOB's

apartment. She moves toward
the sound of ticking looking
for the bomb. Instead she
finds crumbs.

GLORIA
Orange peanut butter cracker crumbs! I'm getting warmer!

SYLVIA
Ever think about sleeping in a real bed?

BOB
I prefer my chair

SYLVIA
Don't you ever wonder about people? Don't you ever want to put
them under your microscope and study how they act, find out what
makes them do what they do?

BOB
There are things we can never know. Questions we shouldn't even
ask.

SYLVIA
Like why would you rather sleep in a chair?

GLORIA finds BOB's

chair.

GLORIA
The chair!

GLORIA diffuses the bomb

 88
BOB
Jane is much more interesting than I am, Sylvia. If you want to
study someone

SYLVIA
But what about you?

BOB
I'm not a complicated guy. I just happen to like that chair.

LIVIA calls JANE again. The

phone rings.

MACHINE ANSWERS
Jane says run Dick run. Go Dick go. Leave Jane alone. Beep.

LIVIA
Jane, I hope you're not there cause I set off a bomb. One of
those toxic insecticide things to kill your roaches. I was
worried about you so I came back early and I left you a crazy
note, but I'm having second thoughts Jane. I'm having third and
fourth thoughts. I think you're testing me to see if I'll leave
you the way your Dad did. I want to prove to you that I'm not
gonna leave. So please Jane, if you get this, ignore the note.
There are lesbians on Thompson Street who love you, and I'm one
of them. Where are you?

BOB
I need to go Syl.

SYLVIA
Was I keeping you? I had no idea

BOB
Sylvia, don't be like this

SYLVIA
You come around for free refills, and how should I be?

BOB
What do you want me to do?

SYLVIA
Stop.
 89
BOB
Huh?

SYLVIA
Leave Jane alone. Crawl back under that rock you came out of

BOB
I will do no such thing

SYLVIA
Then you should go. You heard me. Go.

BOB exits. GLORIA is

done

GLORIA
Tada! No more bomb!
 90
16. Final Exams

BOB
Thank you for getting here on time. To review for the upcoming
final exam, we are talking about bugs or what your textbook
refers to as insects. That is a technical term for approximately
eighty-five per cent of all living being on this planet.

JANE
You mean, I’m a bug?

BOB
Jane? What are you doing in my class?

JANE
I just wanted to/ see if it was true that you’re really here,

BOB
Forget it. Please stay.

JANE
and if I could actually see you, observe, you know, and then
maybe you’d see me. But I’m not a bug.

BOB
No Jane, you are not a bug. Do you think you can explain to the
class why you’re not a bug?

JANE
Are you saying I could be a bug?

BOB
No, I’m asking you to differentiate between species.

JANE
You mean like a bug has three parts: a head, a throat --

BOB
Thorax.

JANE
and a stomach.
 91
BOB
Abdomen. That’s right! A bug has three pairs of legs, usuallly
two pair of wings, and their bodies are covered by a hard shell
called

BOB JANE (interrupting and

calling out)
the exoskeleton! the exoskeleton!!! I wish I
had one!

SYLVIA
You see how smart she is Bob? She’s unbelievable --

BOB
Sylvia? What are you doing here?

SYLVIA
I have a bug problem and you’re an expert. You can’t keep all
this science to yourself.

BOB
This is a university.

SYLVIA
So teach. Disseminate! I feel bad about last night. I came to
apologize, and I’ll help, if you want.

BOB
Okay. Why don’t you come up here and be the sand-wasp? The sand-
wasp builds her nest in the sand. Sylvia, come up.

SYLVIA
Oh, I’m a part of this? I’ll bite. What do you want me to do?

BOB
The sand-wasp builds her nest in the sand.

SYLVIA
I’m building my nest.

JANE
Dad, I don’t see why we have to --
 92
BOB
Just give me a chance here. The sand-wasp needs a secure place
to lay her egg, so she digs a burrow. Then she begins to look
for a way to capture the gray worm who will feed her baby.

(SYLVIA strips to a bikini and covers

herself in oil.)

BOB
The scent of the oils secreted by the sand-wasp arounse the
interest of the gray worm who is by nature an underground
nocturnal creature. Normally he avoids sunlight, but the scent
of the sand-wasp is overpowering, and out he comes from his
lair, his doom sealed.

JANE
Your doom? I don’t know if I want to know this.

BOB
Hi. That oil you’ve got smells really great. Mind if I join you?

SYLVIA
Be my guest. Want to put some oil on my back?

BOB
Does the sand-wasp intend to be cruel?

SYLVIA
No. I never did.

BOB
It’s her instinct that leads her to attack the nervous system of
the gray worm.

SYLVIA
She drives her poisonous fangs into the rings of his spineless,
defenseless body.

BOB
Stunned into submission, the gray worm offers up a diamond
engagement ring.

SYLVIA
Which the sand-wasp proudly displays to all who will admire it.
 93
BOB
But this is not enough.

SYLVIA
Never.
BOB
Knowing the baby will come, the sand-wasp must work quickly to
secure her child’s well-being. The sand-wasp drags the paralyzed
gray worm to the burrow she has dug for her offspring.

SYLVIA
She buries him there and lays her egg on top of him. The worm
provides a cushy bed for the baby sand-wasp.

BOB
If Sylvia, I mean if the sand-wasp, killed the gray worm, he
would decay and be worthless by the time the child is born.

SYLVIA
It’s a two-edged sword - the gray worm should be active, fun,
participating in life, but the only way to keep him useful is to
make sure he’s well-paralyzed.

JANE
When the baby sand-wasp is born, it eats the worm alive!

BOB
The baby sand-wasp will grow fat on the gray worm’s body which ,
because it is not dead,

SYLVIA
Only paralyzed!

BOB
Never rots!

JANE
Are you trying to tell me that you view me as a parasite? I eat
you to death?

BOB
I’m trying to show you the position your mother put me in and
why I left, why I always feel as if I don’t know what to do with
you, how to be with you, because we never really had a chance.
 94
JANE
But I always looked up to you.

BOB
You did? For any particular reason?

JANE
You got away from Sylvia!

BOB
That’s my beetle!

SYLVIA
That’s all very lovey-dovey, but if it wasn’t for me, who knows
what your life would be like now.

BOB
That’s right Sylvia, tell her how hard you worked, how much you
suffered, what you gave up for her, so that she could develop
stage by stage while I was in the rain forest discovering new
Curculionidae.

JANE
Why not just say weevil, Dad? We know you study weevils.

SYLVIA
In the rain forest. When we all know that weevils are
everywhere!

BOB
What are you getting at Sylvia?

SYLVIA
That Jane had needs, specific needs, which you were not here to
meet.

BOB
But I was happy in the rain forest. I'm sorry I failed you, I
failed Jane, but you made me feel like a bug.

SYLVIA
So you’re saying this is all my fault? I have news for you, Bob.
I’ve got big plans for Jane! Now that you’re back, she can get
beyond this difficult stage of her life and --
 95
JANE
This is not a stage. This is my life!

SYLVIA
start meeting some nice men.

BOB (to JANE)

Do you know what I want you to be when you grow up?

JANE
Are you serious? Do you even know how old I am?

SYLVIA
I just said I have plans for Jane.

BOB (to JANE)

Do you know what I want you to be when you grown up?

JANE
I’m twenty-five, Dad.

BOB
Do you want to know what I always thought you’d be when you grew
up?

JANE
Stop!

BOB
I want you to be whatever you want to be. I want you to do
whatever you want to do.

SYLVIA
What? Do you know what you’re saying, Bob?

BOB
Have a mind of your own. Think for yourself. Live by a code. I
want you to have a spine!

JANE
But you never said a word about vertebrates.

BOB
I love you Jane. I only want the best for you. If you’d give me
a chance...
 96
JANE
Do you believe in second chances? Can you un-squash a bug?

BOB
I never squashed you. But I admit I used to be afraid of you.

JANE
Me?

BOB
I used to worry that I wouldn’t be good enough

JANE
So you left?

BOB
I thought I wouldn’t be strong enough or have the answers to all
of your questions.

JANE
And things are different now?

BOB
I’ve evolved. I understand that I don’t have to have all the
answers. What are you doing? Jane? What’s she doing with the
scissors? Sylvia?

SYLVIA
Don’t you see that you’re driving her mad! She could kill
herself with those!

JANE
You got a divorce from her, but you left me. She gave you
permission, but nobody asked me.

BOB
Please, put the scissors down.

JANE
I know what I’m doing.

JANE uses the scissors to

cut a plastic shell for
herself.
 97
SYLVIA
Jane, I’m calling your therapist, and a good plastic surgeon,
just in case.

(As SYLVIA exits, JANE cuts out armor.)

JANE
Watch Jane move from the pupa stage to the adult stage. Move
Jane Move. Meta means change. Morph means form. You wanted to
bring up a butterfly, you should have called me Lepidoptera. I
would have developed wings by now to help me fly away from the
two of you. But I am no butterfly. I’m just plain old Jane.
Stay back! I don’t mean leave. I mean I’m glad you’re here ---
I just don’t need you on top of me.

BOB
What do you need? What can I do?

(JANE puts on her armor.)

JANE
Super Beetle, the armored assassin with the exoskeleton of
steel, can endure lost dreams and broken promises, survive
abandonment, loss and self-doubt. Super Beetle’s tough
exoskeleton helps her avoid heartbreak and keeps her from being
irreparably crushed!

BOB
I’m sorry Jane. I didn’t mean to hurt you. But you can’t
change into a beetle to protect yourself.

JANE
Why not?

BOB
Science won’t allow it.

JANE
Then you know what I think about science? It sucks!

BOB
Science — it’s a beautiful thing. Science is ordered. Science
makes sense. In Science, “i” comes before “e” even after the
“c”. Science is exceptional but mostly it’s about rules. I
broke the rules — I’ll suffer the consequences.
 98
JANE
But you’re not the one who suffered.

BOB
If you could make a cross-section of my inner emotions, you’d
see my suffering. I was an absent Dad. I can’t get those years
back. Will you ever forgive me?

JANE
I don’t know how to forgive you.

BOB
Can I try to make it up to you?

JANE
How is that supposed to happen?

BOB
I’m here. Take off your exoskeleton. We’ll get to know each
other.

JANE
The way you study your bugs?

BOB
You have always been my favorite bug.

JANE
I’m not a bug.

BOB
Either am I. Bugs make terrible fathers.

JANE
Can we try to be human?

BOB
Let’s try.

END OF PLAY