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CAST

Emma Mercedes Assad

Joe Freddie Gaminara
Michaela Carla Henry
Bernard Lloyd Hutchinson
Christine/Victoria/Claudie Rebecca Manley
Steven David Moorst
Michael Tachia Newall
Andy Jamie Samuel
Ashe Katie West
Jess Witney White

CREATIVES AND PRODUCTION

Playwright Simon Stephens

Director Sarah Frankcom
Original Jarvis Cocker
Music
Designer Naomi Dawson
Sound Alexandra Faye Braithwaite
Designer
Lighting Jack Knowles
Designer
Movement Vicki Manderson
Director
Associate Piers Black
Director
Dialect Coach Natalie Grady
Voice Coach Beth Allen
Casting Jerry Knight-Smith CDG
Director
Stage Julia Reid
Manager
Deputy Stage Martha Mamo
Manager
Assistant Elizabeth Rodipe
Stage
Manager

The first performance of this production of Light Falls was at the Royal
Exchange Theatre, Manchester, on 24 October 2019.

With special thanks to Barbara Crossley and The Peter Henriques

Foundation for supporting the creation of this production.

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Cast

Mercedes Assad (Emma) has recently graduated from LAMDA and is

making her professional debut for the Royal Exchange Theatre. Credits
whilst in training include: Pomona, Pericles, Three Sisters, Three Days in
the Country, Bare: A Pop Opera and Port.

Freddie Gaminara (Joe) trained at LAMDA and is making his first

appearance for the Royal Exchange Theatre. Film credits include: Brighton
and Red Joan. Theatre credits whilst in training include: Holes in the Skin,
Spring Awakening, The Revenger’s Tragedy, Another Country, Cymbeline,
The Story from the Sea, Merrily We Roll Along, The Cherry Orchard, A
True Widow, Medea, The White Devil, Design For Living, Summer Begins.

Carla Henry (Michaela) has previously appeared at the Royal Exchange

Theatre in Our Town, B!rth, Miss Julie, On the Shore Of the Wide World,
Weeding Cane and Habitat. Other theatre includes: The Five Lives of
Maurice Pinder (National Theatre); Romeo and Juliet (Birmingham Rep);
Therese Raquin, The Pleasure Man (Glasgow Citizens); Storm (Contact
Theatre). Film credits include: Ceremony, The Revenger’s Tragedy, Speak
Like A Child, Job Done. Television credits include: Life, Black Work,
Moving On, Scott and Bailey, Frankie, Home Front, Together, Bob and
Rose, Clocking Off, Losing It, The Vice II, Queer As Folk.

Lloyd Hutchinson (Bernard) has previously appeared at the Royal

Exchange Theatre in Husbands & Sons (also National Theatre), Sherlock
Holmes In Trouble and The Taming Of The Shrew. Other theatre credits
include: King Lear, Stones In His Pockets (Duke of York’s Theatre); The
Seagull, The Birthday Party (Lyric Hammersmith); Absolute Hell, Salome,
The Plough and the Stars, The Beaux’ Stratagem, Collaborators, The
Observer, Once In A Lifetime, The Night Season, The Permanent Way
(National Theatre); The Joke (FUEL Theatre); A Midsummer Night’s
Dream, A Respectable Wedding (Young Vic); Boris Godunov, The Orphan
Of Zhao, Troilus and Cressida, A Month In The Country, Travesties (RSC);
Little Revolution, Measure For Measure and The Lightning Play (Almeida);
Particle of Dread (The Playhouse Derry/Signature Theatre NYC); A View
from the Bridge (Liverpool Playhouse); A Flea in her Ear (Old Vic); Life Is
A Dream and Twelfth Night (West End/ Donmar); Rhinoceros, Sam
Shepard: A Celebration (Royal Court); Talking To Terrorists (Out of
Joint/Royal Court); One For the Road (New Ambassadors Theatre);
Shopping and Fucking (West End and international tour). Television credits
include: Mother Father Son, Manhunt, Catastrophe, White Gold, Silent
Witness, Utopia, Casualty, Hatfields & McCoys, Hustle, Titanic, The Fades,
Silk, The Bill, Midsomer Murders, Pulling Moves, Murphy’s Law, Lloyd &
Hill, Rebel Heart, In Defence. Film credits include: The Little Stranger,
Florence Foster Jenkins, Anonymous, Mrs Henderson Presents,
Gladiatress, Boxed and With Or Without You.

Rebecca Manley (Christine/Andrea/Victoria/Claudie) is making her first

appearance for the Royal Exchange Theatre. Other theatre credits include:
Clybourne Park (Mercury Theatre); Raw (Theatre Absolute); Ghost Ward
(The Almeida); Billy Liar (Kings Head Theatre); Skinned (Southampton
Nuffield Theatre); Squealing Like A Pig (Oxfordshire Touring Theatre);
Merchant Of Venice (Orange Tree). Television credits include: Philip K.
Dick’s Electric Dreams: The Commuter, The A Word, Last Tango In Halifax,
The Moorside, The Five, Shane Meadows’ This Is England ‘86, ‘88 & ‘90,
No Offence, Scott & Bailey, Monroe. Film includes: Lady Macbeth, and
Clio Barnard’s The Selfish Giant.

David Moorst (Steven) has previously appeared at the Royal Exchange

Theatre in Into the Woods. Other theatre credits include: A Midsummer
Night’s Dream and Allelujah! (Bridge Theatre); Shopping and Fucking
(Lyric Theatre, Hammersmith); First Light (Chichester Festival Theatre);
Violence & Son (Royal Court); Wonderland (Hampstead Theatre).
Television credits include: Should We Bomb Auschwitz?, Grantchester,
Partners in Crime, Holby City. Film credits include: Waiting for the
Barbarians and Peterloo.

Tachia Newall (Michael) has previously appeared at the Royal Exchange in

Mother Courage and Her Children, Fatherland, Scuttlers, Hamlet and
Hoax: My Lonely Heart. Other theatre includes: Sylvia (Old Vic); Love of
the Fireflies (HOME); Some Like It Hip Hop (Sadler’s Wells); Arabian
Nights, The Manchester Lines (Library Theatre); Crystal Kisses (Contact);
Ghost Boy (20 Stories High). Television includes: Silent Witness, From
Darkness, Vera, Scott and Bailey, Casualty, Waterloo Road, Coronation
Street, Young Dracula, Doctors, Moving On, Armchair Detectives. Film
includes: Dirty God.

Jamie Samuel (Andy) has previously appeared at the Royal Exchange

Theatre in 2nd May 1997 (also Bush Theatre). Other theatre credits include:
The Incident Room (59E59 New York/Pleasance/NDT); Operation Black
Antler (Blast Theory/HOME/Southbank Centre); Left My Desk
(HOME/Lost Watch); Amédée (Birmingham Rep); Plastic Figurines
(nominated for an Off West End Award, Box of Tricks/Liverpool
Playhouse); Chamaco (HOME); Jumpers For Goalposts (Off West End
Award for Best Actor, Paines Plough/Bush Theatre); Cosmic, The Kitchen
Sink (Hull Truck Theatre); Sixty Six Books (Bush Theatre); Pushing Up
Poppies (Theatre 503); The English Game (Headlong). Television credits
include: Doctors, The Promise, A Touch Of Frost, The Bill. Film credits
include: Territory.

Katie West (Ashe) has previously appeared at the Royal Exchange Theatre
in There Is A Light That Never Goes Out, B!rth, Hamlet, Blindsided, Punk
Rock (also at the Lyric Theatre, Hammersmith) and Blithe Spirit. Other
theatre includes: Edward II & After Edward (Shakespeare’s Globe); The
York Realist (Donmar Warehouse); Uncle Vanya and Chamaco (HOME
Manchester); Carmen Disruption (Almeida Theatre); The Thrill of Love
(New Vic Theatre); Lela and Co (Royal Court Theatre), Macbeth
(Manchester International Festival/Park Avenue Armory, New York); A
Taste Of Honey (Sheffield Crucible); 65 Miles (Hull Truck Theatre); Vote Of
No Confidence (Theatre 503), Sense (Southwark Playhouse). Television
includes: Casualty, Inspector George Gently, Doctors, Without You, United.
Film includes: Peterloo, Hit & Run and Cinderella.

Witney White (Jess) is making her first appearance for the Royal
Exchange Theatre. Other theatre credits include: Nof*cksgiven (Vault
Festival); A Christmas Carol, Sylvia (Old Vic Theatre); A Monster Calls
(Bristol Old Vic/Old Vic Theatre); Room (Stratford East/Dundee
Rep/Abbey Theatre); Wonder.land (National Theatre); Loserville (West
Yorkshire Playhouse/Garrick Theatre); Dusty (Charing Cross Theatre);
Television credits include: Doctors, Cleaning Up.

Creatives

Simon Stephens (Playwright)

Previous plays at the Royal Exchange include Blindsided, Punk Rock and
On the Shore Of the Wide World (all directed by Sarah Frankcom),
Fatherland and Port. His award-winning adaptation The Curious Incident
of the Dog in the Night-Time was produced by the National Theatre and
visited the Lowry, Salford twice as part of a world tour. His play The
Funfair, opened HOME Theatre. His many other plays have been widely
translated and produced throughout the world. He has presented three series
of the Royal Court Playwright’s Podcast. His book A Working Diary is
published by Methuen. Simon Stephens has been an Associate at the Royal
Court, London and Steep, Chicago, and a board member of Paines Plough.
He is a Professor of Scriptwriting at Manchester Metropolitan University.

Sarah Frankcom (Director)

After working as a drama teacher in the East End, Sarah Frankcom started
working with new writers and in drama schools. She spent time at the
National Theatre Studio, Oval House and the Red Room, and taught at the
Poor School. Having originally joined the Royal Exchange Theatre as
Literary Manager, she is now the Artistic Director and the new Director of
LAMDA. Her recent productions have included: The Nico Project (co-
created with Maxine Peake for MIF 2019), West Side Story, Death of a
Salesman, Happy Days, Our Town (winner of Best Director at the UK
Theatre Awards), The Last Testament of Lillian Bilocca (Hull City of
Culture), A Streetcar Named Desire, All I Want Is One Night, The Skriker
(MIF15 and BBC Radio 3), Hamlet, Blindsided, That Day We Sang, The
Masque of Anarchy (produced at the Albert Hall for MIF13), Black Roses,
Three Birds, Orpheus Descending, Miss Julie (a new version by David
Eldridge), Beautiful Thing, A View From the Bridge, Winterlong (by
Andrew Sheridan, winner of the Bruntwood Prize for Playwriting), Punk
Rock (by Simon Stephens, winner of the MEN Award for Best Production),
Blithe Spirit, Three Sisters, On The Shore Of The Wide World (by Simon
Stephens, winner of the Olivier Award for Best Play) and KES. Her work
has also been seen at the National Theatre, the Bush Theatre, the Lyric
Theatre, Hammersmith, the Soho Theatre and the Crucible, Sheffield.

Jarvis Cocker (Original Music)

Jarvis is a short-sighted musician and broadcaster who was born in the

north of England in the 20th century. He was lead singer with Pulp for 34
years. He has also released two solo albums. His lyric collection Mother,
Brother, Lover was published by Faber in 2011. Between 2009 and 2017 he
presented the BBC 6Music programme ‘Jarvis Cocker’s Sunday Service’ as
well as the ongoing, award-winning BBC Radio 4 documentary series
‘Wireless Nights’. He has honorary doctorates from both Sheffield Hallam
University and Central Saint Martin’s School of Art (which he attended
1988–91). Deutsche Grammophon released ‘Room 29’: a song-cycle
written in collaboration with the Canadian pianist Chilly Gonzales which
they presented at the 2017 Edinburgh Festival. In conjunction with Steve
Mackey he has devised ‘Dancefloor Meditations’: an attempt to combine a
guided meditation class with a nightclub experience. In March and April
2018 he played tiny clubs and caverns throughout the UK, presenting his
new musical ensemble: ‘JARV IS...’. His second book This Book Is A Song
will be published by Jonathan Cape in Spring 2020. He lives in Paris and
London. His star sign is Virgo.

Naomi Dawson (Designer)

Theatre and Opera Designer Naomi Dawson trained at Wimbledon School

of Art and Kunstacademie, Maastricht. Recent theatre design includes:
Happy Days (Royal Exchange Theatre); The Convert (Young Vic); Mirabel
(Oval House); The Woods (Royal Court); As You Like It (Regent’s Park
Theatre); The Duchess of Malfi, Doctor Faustus, The White Devil, The
Roaring Girl (RSC); Much Ado About Nothing (Rose Theatre, Kingston);
Tin Drum (Kneehigh/Liverpool Everyman); The Winter’s Tale
(Romateatern, Gotland); Beryl (West Yorkshire Playhouse and UK tour);
Kasimir and Karoline, Fanny and Alexander (Malmo Stadsteater); Every
One (BAC); Weaklings (Warwick Arts and UK Tour); Brave New World
(Northampton and UK Tour); Men in the Cities (Royal Court/Traverse
Theatre and UK tour); Care (Watford Palace); Hotel, Three More Sleepless
Nights (National Theatre); Wildefire, Belongings (Hampstead Theatre);
Dancing at Lughnasa (Theatre Royal, Northampton); Landscape and
Monologue (Ustinov, Bath); Amerika, Krieg Der Bilder (Staatstheater
Mainz); Mary Shelley, The Glass Menagerie (Shared Experience); King
Pelican (Drum Theatre, Plymouth); State of Emergency, Mariana Pineda
(Gate Theatre); The Container (Young Vic). Opera designs include:
Madama Butterfly (Grimeborn, Arcola); The Lottery; The Fairy Queen
(Bury Court Opera).

Alexandra Faye Braithwaite (Sound Designer)

Theatre credits include: Groan Ups (Vaudeville Theatre); The Audience

(Nuffield Theatre); Toast (The Other Palace); Hamlet (Leeds Playhouse);
Cougar, Dealing With Clair (Orange Tree Theatre); Romeo and Juliet
(China Plate); My Name is Rachel Corrie (The Faction); Things of Dry
Hours (Young Vic); Talking Heads (West Yorkshire Playhouse); Toast (The
Lowry & Traverse); Grotty (The Bunker); Grumpy Old Women IIII (UK
Tour); Acceptance (Hampstead Downstairs); Chicken Soup (Sheffield
Crucible Studio); Dublin Carol (Sherman Theatre); Kanye the First
(Hightide Festival); Room (Theatre Royal Stratford East & The Abbey); If I
Was Queen (The Almeida); Rudolph (West Yorkshire Playhouse); The
Remains of Maisie Duggan (The Abbey); Torch (New Diorama); Grumpy
Old Women III (UK Tour); The Tempest (The Royal & Derngate); Simon
Slack (Soho Theatre); Diary of a Madman (The Gate & Traverse,
Edinburgh); The Rolling Stone (Orange Tree Theatre), Nominated for Off
West End Award for ‘Best Sound Design’ Happy To Help (The Park
Theatre); The Future (The Yard); My Beautiful Black Dog (Southbank
Centre); Hamlet Is Dead, No Gravity (The Arcola); Juicy & Delicious
(Nuffield Theatre); Remote (Theatre Royal Plymouth); The Shelter
(Riverside Studios); Lonely Soldiers (Arts Theatre).

Jack Knowles (Lighting Designer)

Jack trained at the Central School of Speech and Drama. Previous work at
the Royal Exchange includes: The Producers, Death of a Salesman, The
Greatest Play in the History of the World, Happy Days, Parliament Square,
Our Town, Twelfth Night, A Streetcar Named Desire, Wit, The Skriker,
There Has Possibly Been An Incident. Work elsewhere includes: Glass. Kill.
Bluebeard. Imp, The End Of History, Instructions for Correct Assembly,
2071 (Royal Court); Venice Preserved (Royal Shakespeare Company);
Three Sisters, Shipwreck, Machinal, They Drink It In the Congo, Boy,
Carmen Disruption, Game (Almeida); Top Girls, Cleansed (National
Theatre); Caroline, Or Change (Chichester Festival Theatre/Hampstead
Theatre/Playhouse Theatre); Barber Shop Chronicles (National
Theatre/World Tour. 2018 Knight of Illumination Award); Steel (Sheffield
Crucible); Good Vibrations (Lyric Theatre, Belfast); The Importance of
Being Earnest (Vaudeville Theatre); Dan and Phil: Interactive Introverts,
The Amazing Tour is not on Fire (World Tours); Circle Mirror
Transformation (Home MCR); Wonderland (Nottingham
Playhouse/Northern Stage); Beginning (National Theatre/Ambassadors
Theatre); Committee (Donmar Warehouse); 4.48 Psychosis, Reisende Auf
Einem Bein, Happy Days (Schauspielhaus, Hamburg); Junkyard, Pygmalion
(Headlong); The Forbidden Zone (Salzburg Festival/Schaubühne,
Berlin/Barbican); The Massive Tragedy of Madame Bovary! (Liverpool
Everyman/Peepolykus); The Haunting Of Hill House (Liverpool
Playhouse); Phaedra (Enniskillen International Beckett Festival); A Sorrow
Beyond Dreams (Vienna Burgtheater); Lungs, Yellow Wallpaper
(Schaubühne, Berlin); Moth (Hightide/Bush Theatre); Say It With Flowers
(Hampstead Theatre); Night Train (Schauspiel, Köln/Avignon
Festival/Theatertreffen).

Vicki Manderson (Movement Director)

Previous credits at the Royal Exchange include: Queen Margaret, Happy

Days and The Almighty Sometimes. Other theatre credits includes: Last
Orders at the Dockside, The Country Girls, Jimmy’s Hall (Abbey Theatre);
The Afflicted (Summerhall Edinburgh); Square Go (Summerhall
Edinburgh/New York/Tour); Companion: Moon (Coney); Eye For Eye,
Instructions For Correct Assembly, A Profoundly Affectionate, Passionate
Devotion To Someone – Noun, The Children (Royal Court); Br’er Cotton
(Theatre 503); Cockpit (Lyceum Edinburgh); We’re Still Here (National
Theatre Wales); 306 (National Theatre of Scotland); See Me Now (Young
Vic); The Tempest (Beijing Xinchan); Details (Grid Iron); Kidnapped
(RCS); Housed (Old Vic New Voices); A Serious Case of the Fuckits,
Loaded, I Do Believe In Monsters, Loaded (Royal Central School of Speech
& Drama). Associate Movement Director credits include: The Twits (Royal
Court); Let the Right One In (National Theatre of Scotland/Royal
Court/West End); The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time
(National Theatre/West End); Blackwatch, In Time Of Strife (National
Theatre Scotland). Film credits: Swirl (Random Acts C4).

Piers Black (Associate Director)

Piers is Artistic Director of Manchester-based company, Ransack Theatre.

He trained on the National Theatre Directors’ Course, was Resident
Director at the Almeida Theatre, and is the recipient of the John Fernald
Award, BBC Alfred Bradley Bursary Award, and JMK Regional Director
Award. As director, theatre includes: Catching Comets (Pleasance); Crops
(The Yard, Live Drafts); Love and Money (ALRA); Minus Touch (Royal
Exchange); Moth (Hope Mill Theatre); The Dumb Waiter (Lucy Davis
Vaults, NSDF, HOME). As assistant, theatre includes: Stories (National
Theatre); The Writer (Almeida); City Of Glass (Lyric Theatre,
Hammersmith and HOME); So Here We Are (Royal Exchange and
HighTide); YEN (Royal Exchange).

Natalie Grady (Dialect Coach)

As a Voice Coach: All Creatures Great And Small (Channel 5/PBS); The
Cure (Channel 4); Anne (ITV); Trip (Channel 4); Gwen (Endor
productions); The Nico Project (MIF); West Side Story, Queens of the Coal
Age (Royal Exchange Theatre); Scoring a Century (British Youth Opera);
Jess and Joe Forever (Stephen Joseph Theatre); Chicken Soup (Sheffield
Crucible); Bread and Roses, Jumpers For Goalposts, Brassed Off (Oldham
Coliseum); A Short History of Tractors in Ukrainian, The Last Testament of
Lillian Bilocca (Hull Truck); Hoard Festival, Seeing The Lights, Beryl
(New Vic Theatre); La Vie Parisienne, Street Scene (RNCM); Two, Two 2
(Octagon Theatre); Beggars Opera (Storyhouse Theatre). Natalie teaches
voice at various drama schools.
Beth Allen (Voice Coach)

Beth is a trained opera singer, a qualified music therapist and a trained

voice coach. She specialises in creative voice use and has toured as a singer,
television presenter and founder member of The Happy Gang theatre
company. She has been a voice coach with various physical theatre
companies including Stumble Circus, Collision dance company and was
voice coach with 10000 Gestures by Boris Charmatz MIF 17. She was
voice coach for Love on the Dole at the Lowry 2004, Choral Leader for
Sacred Sounds Women’s Choir from 2013–2018, singing Sir John
Taverner’s commissioned piece If ye Love Me MIF 2013, and with the
same choir in Neck of the Woods theatre show at HOME, MIF 2015. She
also coached the award-winning chorus of Suppliant Women at the Royal
Exchange 2017.

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Light Falls
For Mum

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Contents
Characters
Part One
Part Two
Part Three

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Characters

Christine
Bernard
Jess
Ashe
Steven
Michael
Andy
Michaela
Emma
Joe
Victoria
Claudie
Andrea

The same actor that plays Christine must play Andrea, Victoria and
Claudie.

The play is set in Stockport, Blackpool, Durham, Doncaster and Ulverston.

Parts One and Two take place on 6th February 2017.

Part Three takes place a few days after that.

There should be an interval halfway through Part Two.

The space is more abstract than concrete, more defined by light than by any
real objects.

Apart from in Part Three. Part Three might have more real objects in it.

In Part Two many of the performers might be on stage at the same time
even when they are not in the same scene as each other.

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Part One
Christine There’s nobody looking.

Nobody sees me as I head east past Thornfield Park and turn from Balmoral
Road onto Heaton Moor Road and head past the estate agents and the
laundry that also does dry cleaning and towards the shop that I’ve not been
inside now for nine whole months.

It’s a warm day. Warmer than it usually is at this time of year and I’m
starting to regret the decision I made to wear a coat. My coat is a blue
woollen coat that Jess got me two Christmases ago. I’m wearing it as a kind
of disguise.

There are three kids sitting on the bench outside the shop but they’re all too
busy looking at their phones to pay the slightest bit of attention to me. A
woman is pushing her baby in the direction of Gladstone Grove but there’s
something wrong with the baby’s blanket so she’s paying attention to that
and she doesn’t notice as I pass. Every single driver on the junction at
Green Lane is paying far too much attention to the road to notice any of the
pedestrians. A middle-aged man seems to just be staring into the window of
the shop as though he is searching for something, which is just downright
peculiar if you ask me searching for something in the windows of a Co-op
on a day like today on a high street like this one in a town like this. But the
concentration on his search means that he doesn’t notice me either.

So I go inside.

I tell myself over and over again, like a kind of prayer that I know where
I’m going. I know where I’m going. I’ve been here before. I know where
I’m going.

I get my bearings as soon as I can and try to check that they’ve not altered
the layout of the shop since the last time I was here because sometimes that
happens in supermarkets doesn’t it?

They haven’t.

I try not to look at the staff as they move about me and pack the shelves
with breakfast cereals and cat food and fresh milk and pasta and chocolate
bars and ice cream and tinned fruit and mineral water and I dance around
the movements of the shopping trolleys of the other customers who all
appear to have suddenly come from nowhere and I head towards the section
that I have been thinking about for hours and hours.

Since the last time I was here the staff must have changed. None of them
will remember me. None of them will care.

I know where I’m going. I know where I’m going. I know where I’m going.

Stop.

I don’t stop.

I push past an old man who is blocking the aisle looking at the ingredients
of a Breakfast Smoothie. He’s standing stock still in the middle of the aisle
and I want to get past him, I need to get past him, I try to say ‘excuse me
please’ but I can’t seem to speak properly so I push him to one side, which
takes him by surprise but I don’t have any choice in the matter.

I get to where I want to go.

I reach up to the glass and the liquid and the liquid and the glass.

Time does not move forward. We don’t live our lives in one direction.
Everything we have ever done we are doing now. Everything we will ever
do we have already done and we are still doing it and it is ongoing.

I think the Duty Manager recognises me. I think he’s seen me push the older
man to one side and perhaps heard the man’s reaction or sensed something
in the way that we do sense things. We do. We do. He looks at me, the Duty
Manager. I remember his face from the last time I was here. He looks away
again at a flip chart he is carrying in his hand. He looks back at me again.
I have to go home to take the washing out of the dryer and put a fresh load
of laundry in there to dry. I have to get rosemary for the marinade for
Sunday. I have to delete my internet history. I have to drink more mineral
water.

It is February. It is Monday.

It is twelve minutes to five in the afternoon.

I think for a moment about how time seems to keep going and I panic like a
passenger on the Titanic with the boat rearing and bucking and the water
rushing towards me. I try to remind myself that it’s not true. Time doesn’t
move forward. Not like this.

At that exact moment for one pound in sterling you can buy one US dollar
thirty-three cents; 1 euro twelve cents; nearly nine Chinese Yuan; a
thousandth of an ounce of gold and about one and a half Mars bars. At that
exact moment a complaint is being made by lawyers representing several of
the world’s leading corporations against the attempts by the President of the
United States to ban Muslim immigrants from getting access to the country.
At that moment avalanches on the border between Afghanistan and Pakistan
become ferocious and murderous. At that moment the floating vegetation on
the Venezuelan Lake of Maracaibo is photographed by the NASA satellite
Aqua for the first time. At that moment the Prime Minister of the United
Kingdom notices the way the colour of her jacket counterpoints the colour
of her eyes as she steels herself against the possibility of rebellion and
prepares herself for the celebrations of the start of the Sapphire Jubilee of
Queen Elizabeth II.

The place where the carotid arteries at the front of my neck come to meet
the vertebral arteries at the back of my neck is called the Circle of Willis.
From here smaller arteries deliver blood throughout my brain and because
of my age or the things that I’ve done or an accident of anatomy or the body
I’ve inherited, at that moment, at that precise moment in the movement of
time, a weakness in those arteries causes the blood between the covering of
my brain and my brain tissue to haemorrhage. The exact word for this is a
subarachnoid haemorrhage.
The blood spills throughout my brain.

At that exact moment my right knee buckles from underneath me. The
whole right side of my body feels as though it is weaker than I have ever
known it and the weight of the left side of my body is suddenly unbearable.
I try to speak or to call out for help but I can’t. The sounds that come out of
my mouth aren’t words at all. Somebody must have turned the lights in the
supermarket up. That makes no sense. But the lights are suddenly brighter
than they have ever been. I can feel sick rising in the back of my throat and
I try to hold it down. I do. I do try, Bernard. I do.

In just a few minutes I am going to die.

At the moment that I die I will want to know where my children are. I will
want to know if Steven is having a better time in his second term. I will
want to talk to Jess. And I will have to see Ashe. I will have to go and find
her and talk to her and persuade her to talk to her father about the
photographs that I found. And at the very precise moment that I die I will
want to hold my grandson, Leighton, in my arms.

At the moment that I die I will smell something very familiar and it will
smell like eggs frying in a room next door but it can’t be eggs because
nobody would fry eggs in the drinks aisle of a supermarket but there you
go. Or is it burning toast? Or is that just something you read about but it
isn’t actually true?

At the moment that I die I will feel my clothes tighten around me. The
fabric on each individual garment of clothing will tighten and somehow
stop me from breathing a little. I will feel a wetness but I won’t know if it’s
blood or if it’s something else. Am I having a nosebleed? How
embarrassing! I know what to do with a nosebleed. Pinch the bridge of the
nose. Don’t tilt your head back. Just pinch hard.

At that exact moment six thousand three hundred and sixteen other people
throughout the world will die too.

Fifteen thousand people will be be born.

When people die they move from the first person to the third person. They
also move from the present tense to the past tense. At the moment that I die
I will feel this happening to me.

She grew up in Wakefield an only child. Her mother made biscuits and sold
them to the local shop to help pay for her family.

As a little girl she wanted to be a conductress on a bus.

She wanted to go to finishing school like the women she’d read about in
books.

She wanted to be a trapeze artist and then she wanted to be Rudolph

Nureyev.

Her mother left home when she was twelve years old.

She started drinking at fourteen to help the feeling that she didn’t fit in. She
stole cider and cigarettes from local shops so she always had some to offer
the other kids that she would spend time with just to get over that sense of
not fitting in.

She got pregnant when she was seventeen to a man who didn’t love her as
much as she thought she loved him and she had her first baby who she
called Jessica.

When she was nineteen she married another man from Ulverston who she
knew she didn’t love. Bernard. She had to, to get out of Wakefield. She
grew to love him though. He was very lovely with Jessica who she started
calling Jess. His mother was lovely. His father was furious. They moved to
Stockport and had two kids together. Steven and Ashe.

Then, after a time, when the kids had got older, the drinking started again.

Eventually she would keep three large glasses of vodka by her bedside
when she went to sleep to have in the event of her waking up gulping and
shaking in the night.
She hid bottles around the street on the way back from the shops. She hid
bottles all over the house, leaving one in every room so if she was ever
alone she could have a slug of vodka.

She smuggled bottles of wine into McDonald’s, which Steven and Ashe
never liked, and on two occasions doing the school run she was drunk in the
school playground, which made Jess unhappy. She was caught shoplifting
from the Heaton Moor branch of the Co-op supermarket. When she was
arrested she was found to be eight times over the legal alcohol driving limit.
She spent a night in police custody and neighbours had to collect the
children from school.

One time Jess found her crawling round the floor of her living room. She
was sure she was looking for something. She just couldn’t remember what
it was.

At the moment that I die I will remember the feeling of sitting in the garden
outside my house drinking a glass of white wine with one ice cube in it
while Bernard watches the cricket on the television inside.

I will remember the feeling of sunshine on my back on a beach on the south

coast of Wales.

I will remember the taste of the ginger biscuits that my Mother used to
make and how bits of the biscuit got caught in the gaps between my teeth.

I will remember my mother and her smell and the smell of her jumpers and
how when I was a little girl I would always like to wear her jumpers if I
ever got cold and I did. I did get cold. I did.

I will remember the colours in her eyes. Sometimes when I looked deeply
into those eyes I could see the flecks and the flashes in the colours. And the
way the light fell on her face.

And the day that she left home.

At the exact moment that I die the rain will start to pour all across the North
of England from Blackpool to Durham. It will fall suddenly. It will be
torrential. It will seem to come from nowhere. It will seem to rain without
there being a cloud in the sky. Meteorologists will be astonished.

There will be no warning

For one clear moment when I die I will see exactly what is going to happen
to the rest of my family for the rest of their lives and to the rest of the town
and the rest of the country and the whole of the world and there will be
nothing I can do to stop it.

Three months ago in a Travelodge in Bristol my daughter Ashe tied a belt

around a light fitting and tested its strength with as much weight as she
could and she tied the belt into a noose.

Where’s my phone? I can’t find my phone. I need my phone. Can you help
me?

I’m sorry. Have you got any money? I need to borrow some money. I need
to find my phone. I’m terribly embarrassed.

The song’s started.

She sings a-capella a line from The Hymn of The North.

The music’s stopped.

The credits are rolling.

Hold my hand.

Sign here. Sign here. Sign here. And here.

Don’t go.

Breathe in.

OceanofPDF.com
Part Two
Jess and Michael are in a bedroom of a flat in Blackpool.

Jess Were you watching me?

Michael No.

Jess You were weren’t you?

Michael I wasn’t, Jess.

Jess Open my eyes. Bang. You’re there.

Michael I was looking at you. That’s different from watching.

Jess It’s a very disconcerting sight to wake up to.

I was having a weird enough dream as it is the last thing I need is to open
my eyes and see you staring down at me.

Michael You looked as though you were having a dream.

Jess What on earth is that meant to mean?

Michael You were moving around a bit. Murmuring.

Jess Oh my God, see! How long were you actually watching me for?

Michael I wasn’t watching you.

Jess Were you having a –

Michael No! I was awake for a bit. I couldn’t sleep. You were moving
around too much. Stealing the sheets. It was uncomfortable. I got up to
make a cup of tea. Couldn’t find a kettle. Came back to bed. You were
rolling all over the place. I couldn’t not notice you. That would just be
weird. But that doesn’t mean I was watching you. It means I noticed you.
Being in the, you know, the same room as you and the same bed and
everything.

Jess I don’t steal the sheets.

Michael You do, you know.

Jess Nobody has ever accused me of stealing the sheets before.

Michael Well –

Jess What’s your name?

Michael Can’t you remember?

Jess Why would I ask if I could remember?

Michael Michael. My name’s Michael, Jess.

Jess Nice to meet you Michael. I’m Jessica.

Michael Yeah. You said last night. What were you dreaming about?

Jess I dreamed that somebody turned me into a bird.

Michael Flipping heck.

Jess It was profoundly disconcerting.

Michael A bird?

Jess Yeah.

Michael Could you fly?

Jess I can’t remember flying. I mainly remember them holding my hands
back and turning them into wings. I didn’t enjoy it in case you were
wondering. Did we have sex last night?

Michael Blimey Jess.

Jess ‘Did we have sex last night?’ I asked.

Michael How drunk were you?

Jess How drunk did I look? Did we?

Michael No.

Jess Are you sure?

Michael I mean. Yes. I’m completely sure.

Jess Then what are you actually doing here?

Michael You asked me to bring you home. I brought you home. I was
going to get an Uber.

Jess Never trust an Uber.

Michael You begged me not to.

Jess They’re very lax on their security check-ups and they don’t pay
taxes.

Michael You got quite upset about it.

Jess I have very strong feelings on the matter.

Michael You said you didn’t want to be on your own.

You were a bit sick.

Jess Shit.
Michael It’s all right. I got you to the toilet. I held your hair back for you.
I put you to bed. I was going to go anyway when you were asleep.

Jess You fucking sneaky bastard.

Michael I decided not to.

Jess You were thinking about it though.

Michael I went to sleep on the sofa but it was a bit chilly. Came in here.
Tried to sleep on your floor but it fucked my back in so I got in next to you.

Jess Hmm.

Michael What?

Jess A likely story. I don’t have a kettle.

Michael I noticed that.

Jess I don’t drink hot drinks. It’s a policy of mine.

Michael Only vodka?

Jess No. I drink water. A lot. And diet coke. I love diet coke. But tea
tastes like mud and coffee smells nice but then you taste it and it’s flipping
disgusting. Why didn’t you have sex with me?

Michael You were drunk.

Jess What difference does that make?

Michael It didn’t seem a very attractive proposition.

Jess Well thank you very much. Charming that is!

Michael I didn’t say I didn’t think you were attractive. I just wanted to
treat you with a bit of –
Jess What?

Michael Respect?

Jess What?

Michael Respect.

Jess Right. Get you!

Michael What about me?

Jess A lot of people say that if they had a super power they would have
the ability to fly. I think they’re fucking idiots. I would completely and
definitely have the ability to go invisible. You could see anything. It would
be brilliant. The idea of flight holds no appeal to me whatsoever. So the
prospect of being turned into a bird didn’t even have the attraction of
realising some kind of long-held fantasy of mine it was just on the whole
terrifying.

What are you doing?

Michael Getting dressed.

Jess You don’t need to. Do you not like sex?

Michael It’s not that.

Jess Do you prefer having sex with boys?

Michael It’s not that either.

Jess It’s fucking Monday isn’t it?

Michael Yes it is.

Jess I need to call in sick. I can’t go in like this.

Michael Go in where?
Jess You’re not married are you? Fuck. Are you? That always happens to
me.

Michael What does?

Jess Married men are drawn to me. They go out in that place.

Michael What place?

Jess Cliftons. They come down on a Sunday Night Special. They like the
way I dance or something I wake up in their fucking Travelodge or some
shit. They get a text from their wife.

Michael I’m not married.

Jess You’re Gary Edgely’s pal aren’t you?

Michael That’s right.

Jess I like Gary. He was one of the people who were nicest to me when I
first moved here.

Michael That’s good.

Jess I’ve not had sex with him don’t worry about that.

Michael I wasn’t worried about it.

Jess Yes you were. Your little face looked all anxious. Can you do me a
favour? While I call in sick?

Michael Yes.

Jess Can you fetch me a glass of water please?

He goes out.

She is left alone.

Bernard and Michaela are in The Salutation Pub, Doncaster.

Bernard It’s the oldest pub in Doncaster.

Michaela Is it?

Bernard I think so. I think I read that it was. I might be getting confused
with somewhere else. It’s either the oldest pub or it’s got the longest bar.

Michaela Right.

Bernard It is a very long bar.

Michaela Yeah it is.

Bernard How are you, love?

Michaela I’m good thanks, Bernard. I’m great.

Bernard That’s good. It’s good to see you.

Michaela It’s good to see you too.

Bernard You look just lovely.

Michaela Thank you.

Bernard Good month?

Michaela What?

Bernard I’ve not seen you for a month.

Michaela Has it been a month?

Bernard Yes it has.

Michaela God. Yeah. It was. You know?

Bernard Yeah. Work all right?

Michaela Work’s great. The same.

Bernard Great.

Michaela How are you, Bernard?

Bernard I’m all right. I’m all right. I’m all right. I’m quite excited.

Michaela I bet you are.

Bernard Cheeky.

Michaela I am too.

Bernard That’s good. Thank you for, you know, arranging this.

Michaela You don’t need to thank me.

Bernard No. Have a crisp.

Michaela Thank you.

Bernard Are you getting ready for your birthday?

Michaela I’m not planning on doing much.

Bernard No?

Michaela Might go and have a few drinks with some friends.

Bernard That’ll be nice though.

Michaela I wish you could come with us.

Bernard I wish that too.

Michaela You could do.

Bernard I’ll try.

Michaela We’ll just be in the town centre. You could say you had a
meeting.

Bernard I know.

Michaela You won’t.

Bernard It’s not necessarily easy for me. I’ll send you a card.

Michaela Will you?

Bernard I’m very good with birthday cards, me.

Michaela Are you?

Bernard I keep a note in my diary. Never miss one. I’m known for it.

Michaela Brilliant.

Bernard And if I can come and have a drink I will.

Michaela Great.

Bernard The food’s shit here.

Michaela Is it?

Bernard Bloody awful. They serve you on like. Their plates are made of
polystyrene.

We could have met in Leeds. Or I could have come to York. Next time.

Michaela On my birthday.

Bernard It’s just a bit easier to manage here.

Michaela I know.

Bernard More discrete.

Michaela Look at you.

Bernard What about me?

Michaela How nervous are you, Bernard?

Bernard Is it that obvious?

Michaela I know you very well.

Bernard It’s been nine months. Us two.

Michaela I know.

Bernard And she’s definitely –?

Michaela She just texted me.

Bernard Did she? Right.

Michaela She’s two minutes away.

Bernard Right. Right. Right. Good.

Michaela I hope you like her.

Bernard I’m sure I will.

Michaela She’s a bit random sometimes.

Bernard Random?

Michaela A bit unpredictable. I’ve not seen her for a while. Not properly.

Michaela receives a text.

Michaela This is her.

Bernard Right. I’ll just.

Michaela You wait here.

Michaela leaves.

Bernard sits alone.

Tightens his tie.

Drinks some beer.

Eats some crisps.

Checks his watch.

Jess is alone in a bedroom in a flat in Blackpool.

Michael comes back. He gives her a glass of water.

She goes to her handbag and finds some Nurofen and takes three of them
and drinks the water.

Jess You’re at it again?

Michael At what?

Jess Staring at us.

Michael I’m not.

Jess You don’t even know you’re doing it.

He looks at her. Smiles.

Michael Did you call in sick?

Jess Yeah.

Michael So you’ve got a day off!

Jess Looks that way.

Michael What work do you do?

Jess I’m a teacher.

Michael takes a beat. Are you?

Jess Is that surprising to you?

Michael Er. I don’t know. A little.

Jess At Westcliff.

Michael A primary school teacher?

Jess I teach Year 4. And I’m the Head of Music across all year groups.

He thinks about this.

Michael Glockenspiels!

Jess What?

Michael They play a lot of glockenspiels. At primary schools. I like a

glockenspiel. I like the sound of a glockenspiel.

She looks at him.

When did you move here?

Jess When I finished Uni. I went to Liverpool to do Sound Engineering. I

wanted to make music. After I graduated somebody there told me that
Blackpool was the new Manchester. I thought I’d try it out.

Michael Why didn’t you just go to Manchester?

Jess Too expensive.

Michael Yeah.
Jess I’m from Manchester so it would have been too close.

Michael Are you?

Jess I’m from Stockport.

Michael I like Stockport.

Jess Yeah.

Michael My ex-wife had a friend who came from Stockport and we went
to visit her mum one time for some reason that I can’t remember at the
moment.

Jess Your ex-wife?

Michael Yeah.

Jess So you are married?

Michael Not anymore.

Jess I knew you were.

Michael I’m not.

Jess When did you get divorced?

Michael Three years ago?

Jess Really?

Michael Really.

Jess If I asked for legal documentation to prove this you’d be able to

provide it would you?

Michael Yeah. What? Why?

Jess Your face!

Michael What about it?

Jess It’s got all shy again.

Michael I’m just –

Jess Trying to keep up.

Michael Kind of.

Jess Have you got a thousand plans today?

Michael No.

Jess A million things you need to get done.

Michael Not a million exactly.

Jess Several hundred.

Michael About four.

Jess Is that why you’re in such a hurry to get dressed? Have you got to
go to work or something?

Michael Not today.

Jess What work do you do?

Michael I work in a bookmakers.

Jess I bet that’s a pretty flipping wretched job isn’t it?

Michael I don’t know. The regulars are all right.

Jess Regulars in a bookmaker are not all right.

Michael Some of them are really jolly.

Jess Are you from round here?

Michael I am yeah. Can I tell you something?

Jess Tell me anything.

Michael You have very beautiful eyes.

Jess Don’t say that.

Michael Why not.

Jess I hate compliments.

Michael Why?

Jess And as compliments go that was a fairly predictable one if you don’t
mind me saying.

Michael I wasn’t trying to be original I was trying to tell the truth.

Jess If you’d complimented my shoulders that would have been better.

A) because I have exceptional shoulders and b) because it would have been
more original.

Michael I’ve not seen your shoulders. I like your eyes.

Jess If you like my eyes so much why have you got to skittle off and do
your hundreds of important things?

Michael I–

Jess Have you got to go and see your ex-wife?

Michael Not today.

Jess She is so not your ex is she?

Michael I see her when I have to go and collect our son and when I drop
him off.

Jess You’ve got a son?

Michael Yeah.

Jess Flipping Nora.

Michael He’s called McKenzie. He’s five. I see him three days a
fortnight.

Jess That’s not much is it?

Michael Not as much as I’d like.

Jess But you’re not seeing him today?

Michael No.

Jess And you’re not going to work either?

Michael No.

Jess Then would you like to come have breakfast with me?

I’ll buy you an endless amount of cups of tea. And we can hang out together
and spend the day together. Go up the beach and have an adventure or go to
the cinema or go on the rides or go to flipping church if that’s the kind of
thing you’re into.

Michael I’m not.

Jess Why not? Church is great.

Michael I don’t believe in God.

Jess Well. No. Course not. But they are very peaceful places and
sometimes a bit of peace and quiet is kind of an incredible blessing don’t
you reckon?

Andy and Steven are eating outside a café in Durham.

Andy Fucking hell, it’s good to see you, Steven.

Steven You look –

Andy What?

Steven You look amazing, Andy.

Andy Silly.

Steven You do. You are a sight for sore eyes.

Bernard is joined in the pub by Michaela and Emma.

Bernard Oh. That’s nice. Hello.

Emma Hiya.

Michaela This is Emma.

Bernard Hello Emma.

Michaela And this is Bernard.

Emma Hi.

Bernard Have a – Sit down. Would you like a drink? You look –

Andy You know what I look?

Steven What?

Andy Old.

Steven That’s not true.

Andy It bloody is mate. I’m gonna be 30 in two years.

Steven Thirty is not old.

Andy You’re my toy boy.

Steven I quite like that.

Andy I bet you do.

Jess You were twenty-four.

Michael Yes I was.

Jess That’s quite young.

Michael Well.

Jess It’s a bit young.

Michael My mum was 19 when she had my brother.

Jess My sister Ashe’s the only one in our family to have a kid. She’s
younger than me too. She’s about your age. You should meet her.

Michael I don’t want to meet her. I like you.

Jess Leighton, she called him. He’s nearly two.

Emma Are we not going to eat?

Bernard Yes. Not here.

Emma I’m flipping starving.

Bernard Right.

Andy This is delicious.

Bernard I’ve got some crisps.

Emma Thank you.

Bernard Or we can go and eat now if you want to just go straight away.
We don’t need to have a drink here.

Emma It’s not that I don’t want a drink. I love a drink me.

Andy This view’s amazing.

Bernard Jolly good.

Emma But I’d rather get a drink in the restaurant.

Bernard Yes. Of course. I just –

Emma You just wondered if I wanted to settle my nerves kind of thing.

Bernard That kind of thing.

Emma It’s entirely unnecessary.

Andy Filthy bugger.

Michael What are you smiling at?

Jess I’m not smiling. Smiling? Me. I never smile.

Steven How was the bus ride?

Andy Fine. Fine. Fine. It was weirdly empty. There was me and about
two other people. They were students. I was the grand old man of the
Newcastle Durham National Express.

Jess How much older is your brother than you?

Michael Eight years.

Jess I wonder if I’ve ever, if I know him.

Michael He’s lived in Melbourne for the past ten years.

Jess Cool.

Michael I know.

Jess Do you go and see him all the time?

Michael Not all the time.

Jess I would if I were you. ‘Whack another prawn on the barbie mate.’
Do you not get on you and him, or something?

Michael No we do. He was very important to me. When I was growing

up. He kind of looked after me.

Jess Did he?

Michael My mum died when I was a very small baby and my dad was
working a lot so he kind of made me dinner and babysat for me and did my
homework with me and things like that.

Jess Shit.

Michael I know.

Jess I’m sorry.

Michael That’s okay.

Jess How did she die?

Michael She killed herself.

Jess Fuck off. Sorry. That probably sounded like quite an aggressive
reaction. I was being more startled than I was being aggressive. That’s
flipping awful. I’m really, really, really, really sorry.

Andy So is this like one of your places, Steven?

Steven No. I just read about it on TripAdvisor.

Andy Smashing.

Steven Said they do nice coffee.

Andy And they bloody do.

Steven And the view was amazing.

Andy I said that.

Steven You’re not cold?

Andy No.

Steven I wanted to eat outside.

Andy Why?

Steven People think differently when they’re outside. It’s because they
can see the horizon.

Andy Great.

Steven How was work?

Andy Extremely magic.

Steven That’s good. Where were you?

Andy Edinburgh to London to Manchester to Isle of Man to Belfast

yesterday. Belfast Newcastle this morning. Just the one flight today. I
should have been going home. I did extra to come and see you.

Steven Thank you.

Andy That’s my pleasure.

Steven You must be exhausted.

Andy No. It was fine. I was working with Carla. We always have a
laugh. She had the business class. I prefer economy on short haul. The
Captain wasn’t a dick. The punters all behaved themselves.

Steven Any hot ones?

Andy What?

Steven Punters.

Andy Were there any hot punters?

Steven What?

Andy Are you serious?

Steven Yeah.

Andy They’re all married businessmen on same-day returns to offshore

banks in Jersey.

Steven That sounds fucking sexy.

Andy I can think of a few things sexier.

Steven I bet you can.

Andy Calm down.

Steven I’ve just missed you.

Andy Good. You should miss me. I’m fucking great.

Steven Yes you are. You are.

Andy So.
Steven So.

They look at each other, waiting to see who is going to go first.

Steven What do you want to do tomorrow?

Andy We could just stay in the hotel all day.

Steven Ha.

Andy I’m being serious.

Steven Do you want to go to the seaside? We could go to the seaside.

Andy Are we near the seaside here?

Steven Fucking miles away.

Andy Great.

Steven Look down there.

The river bends round the castle. Makes it feel like you’re close to the
seaside but you’re actually really not. We’re not that far away from the
North Pennines. You can see them on a clear day. Not tonight. We could go
there easily if you wanted.

Andy Or we could stay in the hotel room and watch the rugby?

Steven You are shitting me.

Andy Bulls are playing Warrington Wolves.

Steven Do you want to come up to the Cathedral after dinner?

Andy We should just go to the hotel and check in.

Steven We could go dancing later if you wanted.

Andy Have you found any good clubs yet?

Steven Only fucking really seedy ones.

Andy Well maybe not tonight, kiddo.

Steven We could go to Newcastle if you want a real dance. You can get
on the train without paying at this time. They keep the barriers open.

Andy I just want to get into bed with you.

Bernard Thank you.

Emma What for?

Bernard For coming and for, you know.

Emma You’re the one buying the dinner.

Bernard I know. But.

Emma I love a Chinese, me.

Bernard Yes. Me too. And –

Emma And what?

Michaela She’s winding you up.

Emma See his face.

Michaela Don’t listen to her.

Emma Like a little boy.

Bernard Cheeky.

Emma You’re dressed a lot smarter than I thought you would be.

Bernard I’ve been at work.

Emma Right.

Bernard Always pays to make an impression.

Emma Did you iron that shirt yourself?

Bernard Er. No.

Emma Did your wife do it?

Bernard Yes she did.

Emma She did a lovely job of it. Nice tie. Ironed shirt. Shiny shoes.
Smashing that.

Bernard I don’t want to talk about my wife.

Emma No. Course not. Silly me. Sorry. Not that sorry. A bit sorry.

Michael I don’t remember anything about her.

I’ve seen photographs and things like that but my dad never talks about her.
My brother did sometimes. I was two weeks old. I never really knew
anything different than my dad and my big brother so it was only when I
was older that I thought it was strange. They didn’t keep it from me or
anything, that she’d killed herself, so it wasn’t even like a shocking
revelation. It was just what I was always used to. There was part of me that
kind of assumed it was normal or something. I’m really sorry. I feel like I
embarrassed you and I didn’t want to do that.

I sometimes keep it from people for weeks and weeks but you have this
kind of energy about you that makes me feel like I should try and be honest
at least.

Bernard Should we –

Michaela Should we go?

Steven In a bit. I might get some dessert.

Jess I’m just getting my head round it. It might take me a moment or
two.

Michael Okay.

Steven I might get the tiramisu. The tiramisu here is meant to be

amazing.

Jess What was it like having a son?

Michael It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

Jess Why?

Michael He’s so beautiful. When he was a baby I used to stand and

watch him sleep.

Jess See.

Michael What?

Jess That’s a thing with you. Watching people sleep. It’s very peculiar.
You really should get it sorted out.

Michael I’d be knackered at work the next day because I was just up all
night watching him.

Jess What’s he like now?

Michael He’s lovely. He’s funny. He had a kind of learning difficulty.

Jess Did he?

Michael He didn’t speak a word for about two and a half years. The
doctors were very concerned.

Jess I’m sure.

Michael I kind of knew what he meant.

Jess What he ‘meant’?

Michael I met Charlie Adams once. I couldn’t speak either.

Jess Charlie Adams?

Michael He used to play –

Jess I know who Charlie Adams is. I’m not a total idiot.

Michael No.

Jess It’s not ignorance it’s incredulity. Charlie Adams is shit.

Michael Er. He isn’t.

Jess Football’s stupid.

Michael Er. I don’t think so.

Andy You got your results for the end of terms yet?

Steven On Friday. Dr Warren called me in to talk to me about them. I

averaged 57%.

Andy That doesn’t sound too bad.

Steven I was in the bottom fifth percentile of the year. If I don’t show a
marked improvement in the end of year exams they’ll have to consider my
place next year. To quote him.

Andy Are you still finding it –?

Steven I thought I’d settle into it.

Andy Right.

Steven After the first term.

Andy Yeah.

Steven I just haven’t.

Andy Right.

Steven I’m struggling with the reading. I stare at the books. I have to
read them over and over again. The language they use is completely
baffling to me.

Andy You always said you liked the legal terminology.

Steven I like the sound of it. Doesn’t mean I can make any sense of it.
Which is, it turns out, kind of the point.

Andy Yeah.

Steven I have to pinch my arms to stay awake during lectures.

Andy Everybody does that.

Steven Bite the inside of my cheeks.

Andy That is perfectly, perfectly normal.

Steven Tort Law. Contract Law. EU Constitutional Law. UK

Constitutional Law. If I have another tutorial about trusts and equities I
swear I’ll do an Ashe.

Andy Don’t joke about that.

Steven I’m not joking. I’d change course if I could.

Andy You can.

Steven I can’t. My Dad wouldn’t let me.

Andy He couldn’t stop you.

Steven You don’t know him.

Andy Bernard? He’s just a big softy.

Steven I feel stupid. All the time.

Andy What do you mean?

Steven In the seminars. The tutorials. I have never, in my life, been the
stupid one in the class.

Andy You’re not stupid.

Steven I am in there, Andy. I have to work twelve hours every day just to
keep up with the other students. They are, all of them, sharper and brighter
and cleverer than me. I need to read every paper twice. I have to get the
background to all the lectures. And I’m rubbish at remembering the dates of
the precedents and the dates of the cases and the details of the judgements.
And I do read every essay twice and I do get the background and I kind of
keep up but it’s really hard and I’m really, really tired. I’m tired all the time.

You know when you’ve wanted something for years and years and you
finally get it and then it is about a thousand times more difficult than you
ever dreamed it would be.

Andy Have you talked to Jess about it?

Steven No.

Andy You should. She’d listen. She’d be brilliant.

Steven I really miss her.

Andy Well go and see her then.

Steven I don’t have time. I miss Ashe more.

Andy I’m sure.

Steven I want to sit at Ashe’s bedside all the time and just watch her.
Make sure she’s all right.

Andy She is.

Steven I hope so.

Andy She is.

In a small terraced house in Ulverston Ashe greets Joe.

Ashe What are you looking at me like that for?

Andy Can’t you get involved in things?

Steven Involved?

Andy Isn’t that what people are meant to do at university? Get involved
in sports and societies and swan around glammed up and pissed and join the
debating society or something.

Steven I don’t have time.

Andy Don’t they have like the flipping Bullingdon Club here or
something like that you can join?

Steven Andy.

Andy You should join it. I’d go with you. I look fucking magic in white
tie.

Steven Andy. You’re not listening to me. Three days ago I said to myself
‘I hate my life’.

Andy Don’t say that.

Steven I’m just telling you the truth. And then you said you were
coming. And for a few days I could carry on. ‘Wait till Andy gets here. Wait
till Andy gets here. Wait till Andy gets here.’
Andy Well. I’m here now.

Steven Yeah.

We should go out.

Andy Or check in.

Steven Have a few drinks. We could find somewhere to dance. We could

make a right scene.

Andy Or get into bed.

Jess and Michael have gone to a café in Blackpool where they are served
by Claudie.

Claudie Michael!

Michael Hiya Claudie.

Claudie What’s happened to you?

Michael Nothing. What?

Claudie Look at you.

Michael What about me?

Claudie Hello love.

Jess Hello.

Claudie (to Michael) You look happy.

Michael Do I?

Claudie I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile before.

That must be your doing.

What can I get you?

Jess Is there any possible way I can get an omelette?

Claudie Petal if you can make buggerlugs smile like that then the least I
can do is make you an omelette.

Ashe I asked you a question.

Joe I’m not looking at you like anything.

Ashe You are. You’re looking at me like you’re scared of me.

Joe I’m not scared at all, Ashe.

Ashe You flipping look it. And you’re right to be.

Andrea Have you had a chance to think about the food?

Bernard Have whatever you want girls.

Michaela Should we have starters?

Bernard Whatever you want.

Michaela We could share some.

Emma That’s an idea.

Bernard Let’s get the deep-fried prawns and the prawn toast. And the
spring rolls.

Andrea Okay.

Bernard And the seaweed.

Andrea Lovely.

Bernard Let’s get a soft-shell crab each, should we?

Andrea Very good.

Bernard And how about some salt and chilli spare ribs?

Emma I love spare ribs, me.

Bernard And can we get some soup? Won ton soup. Have the won ton
soup girls. The won ton soup here is brilliant.

Andrea And will you be having mains or are you just –

Bernard Course we’re having mains. God! Who do you think we are?

Andrea I have absolutely no idea.

Bernard Sorry?

Andrea I said I have no idea who you are. I’ve never seen you before.
Should I know you? Are you famous or something?

Bernard No. No. No. Not at all.

Andrea I didn’t think so.

Bernard It was a phrase. An expression. Girls? Mains?

Michaela Please can I have the pan-fried scallops?

Bernard Whatever you want. It’s my treat. It’s her birthday next week.

Andrea Lovely.

Emma I’ll have the sweet and sour chicken please.

Andrea Sweet and sour chicken.

Bernard And can I have? Do you know what I’m torn. Coz I love the
deep-fried shredded beef. But I really want some of the mussels. So how
about I get the beef and then we get the mussels to share? As an extra.
Andrea Very good.

So. Just to run through it, One deep-fried prawn. One prawn toast. One
spring rolls. One seaweed. Three soft-shell crabs. Salt and chilli spare ribs.
Three won ton soups. One pan-fried scallops. One sweet and sour chicken.
One shredded beef and one green mussels.

Bernard And three egg-fried rice.

Andrea Very good.

Bernard And I’ll have a pint of Carlsberg.

Andrea An excellent choice.

Bernard And the girls’ll have a bottle of white.

Andrea I’m sure they will.

Michaela Thank you.

Bernard That’s my pleasure.

Emma Thank you.

Andrea They might need it eh?

Bernard Sorry, what?

Andrea I was saying they might need the wine. Help them get through
the night. Am I right girls?

Emma Ha!

Andrea I’ll bring the drinks straight away.

Bernard Lovely.

She leaves. Bernard watches her go.

Claudie Here we are.

Jess Thank you.

Claudie Ham and cheese omelette and a side order of mushroom.

Jess Delicious.

Claudie Is he behaving himself?

Jess Reckon.

Claudie He’s a good kid. Don’t let his big ugly face deceive you.

Jess It is a bit distracting.

Claudie He’s a good kid and he’s got a big heart and he can be a bit of a
dick but I like him very much and I think he deserves to be happy if he’d
just bloody let himself. That’s easier said than done, though, isn’t it? We
never do, do we? We’re such funny little creatures aren’t we? Humans?
Scuttling around. Until we die. You live once, Michael, you flipping idiot.
Enjoy your omelette, lovely.

Jess Thank you.

Jess and Michael consider each other.

What’s your favourite song?

Michael What, ever?

Jess Ever.

Michael ‘Fernando’ by Abba.

Jess You are joking.

Michael I’m not.

Jess You don’t exactly look like an Abba fan.

Michael What do Abba fans look like?

Jess Not like you. What’s your favourite film?

Michael Er, Up.

Jess Pixar?

Michael Yeah.

Jess I would not have seen that coming.

Michael I love Pixar movies. I go and see all of them. They always make
me cry.

Jess They don’t.

Michael They do.

Jess Do you cry very easily?

Michael Very easily.

Jess I find that a deeply attractive quality in a man.

Michael Well that’s reassuring.

Jess What do you want to do when I’ve finished my omelette?

Michael I’m not sure. I’ve not got any plans.

Jess Because I’ve had the most brilliant idea ever.

Bernard Can I ask you something first, Emma? Do you know how old I
am?

Emma Michaela said you were 60.

Bernard I’m 57.

For a man of my age. A man of my age, mind you, would you say I am
overweight?

Emma Not particularly.

Bernard No. I’ve got a fairly normal physique for a man of my age I
think.

Emma You look good.

Michaela You should see him with his shirt off.

Emma Ha!

Michaela Ripped he is.

Bernard But. Here’s the thing. I eat all the time. I can’t stop. I eat and I
eat and I eat. I love it. None of it stays on me. Not really.

Emma Lucky fucker.

Bernard My brothers were the same. It must be in our family.

Emma Are your children the same too?

Bernard They are.

Michaela Emma.

Emma What?

Bernard Do you mind if we don’t talk about my children?

Ashe Nice of you to pop round.

Joe Yeah. It’s really nice to see you.

Ashe Nice of you to answer my call.

Joe I wanted to see you. I wanted to see Leighton.

Ashe Did you? Well fiddle-de-dee Joe that’s a remarkable impulse in any
father. To actually want to go and see their son. I’m overwhelmed. I feel a
bit faint.

Joe Ashe, please don’t.

Ashe Don’t what? Be sarcastic. I think I’ve earned the right to be as

sarcastic as I bloody well want Joe Reynolds don’t you? Don’t you?

Emma Are you coming to Mickey’s birthday, Bernard?

Bernard I don’t know. I don’t know if I can.

Emma It’s very tricky all this, I imagine you have to be tremendously
covert.

Bernard You do.

Emma What are you doing in fucking Donny, Bernard?

Bernard I had to go into the Distribution Centre. We’ve got a

Distribution Centre off the M18. I had a meeting there about expanding
some of the range. Whether the expansion will appeal in Yorkshire.

Emma Do you often try and arrange meetings with Mickey when you’re
working out of town?

Bernard Sometimes. Not always. Sometimes we just meet up when we

can.

Emma She really likes you.

Michaela Emma.

Emma She does. She said.

Michaela He knows I do.

Bernard I really like her too.

Emma Do you?

Bernard I do. I do. I’m sorry this is –

Emma How long have you worked for Ikea, Bernard?

Bernard Since it opened. They opened their first store in Warrington. In

1987. I worked there then.

Emma You were six. Do you like it?

Bernard I do. I like working with people. I like retail on the whole.

Emma Brilliant.

Bernard I never did that well at school. But retail is a line of work that it
doesn’t matter really how well you do in O levels or A levels or any of that.
What matters is how you are with people and I’m good with people, I am.

Emma I’m sure.

Bernard Sometimes I study them.

Emma People?

Bernard I like to consider what they do and what they think and what
they’re like and all that.

Emma Brilliant.

Bernard Michaela tells me that you’re from Nottingham.

Emma Yeah.

Bernard How long have you been in Leeds for, Emma?

Emma Since Uni.

Bernard And you’re a graphic designer.

Emma I do the layout on adverts in local newspapers and magazines and

websites now as well.

Bernard Brilliant. Do you like it?

Emma I liked the old ways more. I liked the printing. More than the
websites. I don’t like the Internet so much. I like the feeling of things in my
hand. More than just images on a screen. I think the internet distorts our
sense of what it is to be a human being.

Bernard It’s the future though, the Internet, isn’t it?

Emma It’s not the future, Bernard, it’s the present.

Michaela Can’t get him off his screen this one. He’s worse than anybody.
Always checking the news and the weather and Twitter and his timeline and
looking at things.

Emma Oh aye? What sort of things is he looking at?

Bernard Watch it cheeky.

Michaela Em!

Bernard It’s just the way it is now isn’t it, I suppose.

Michaela It’s what life’s like.

Bernard Me and Christine sit in the living room, both of us on our

phones. Never talk to each other. We can spend whole nights like that.

Emma Is Christine your –?

Bernard She’s my wife, yes.

Emma That’s sad.

Bernard Not really.

Sometimes I go into other shops and check up on how other people in their
shops manage their interaction with their customers. I think of it as a kind
of exercise in research and development in customer negotiation. I find it
fascinating. Just to see their different techniques. Just to have a
conversation. Sometimes it’s just nice to talk to people isn’t it?

The girls don’t know what to say in response to this.

I’m embarrassed.

Michaela Why?

Bernard I’ve not even asked you.

Michaela What?

Bernard What would you like me to get you for your birthday?

Michaela I don’t need anything.

Bernard No go on. What would you like? I’ll get you anything.

Michaela He’s always doing this.

Emma You’re lucky. I’d love a man like that, me.

Bernard Well. Maybe if you play your cards right.

Emma Have you heard him ‘If you play your cards right’?

Michaela I don’t mind.

Emma Don’t you?

Michaela Share him out. Pass him round.

Emma Well. Precisely.

Michaela I’d like you to be there.

Bernard I know. I’ll try. You said that.

Michaela That’s what I’d mainly like.

Bernard I promise.

Emma, Michaela has told you about tonight?

Emma Course she has.

Bernard I was just checking.

I’ve never –

Emma Haven’t you?

Bernard No.

Emma We’ve done it before haven’t we?

Michaela A long time ago.

Emma Did you tell him?

Bernard She did. I asked her if she ever had. She told me.

Emma It’s mainly funny. Mainly a laugh.

Bernard Well. I think it is quite funny, sex, on the whole isn’t it?

Emma I love it.

Michaela I do too.

Bernard And I’ve got a little present for you. For each of you.
Emma Have you?

Bernard A hundred pounds. It’s not a lot. I don’t want you think that I’m
paying you.

Michaela We don’t need this.

Bernard It’s just a little token. A little way of saying thank you.

Emma Right.

Michaela Bernard, what are you doing?

Bernard For coming all this way.

Emma It’s not that far.

Bernard No but.

Emma Half an hour on Virgin.

Michaela Bernard.

Bernard Yeah. But even so.

Emma Thank you, Bernard.

Bernard So. We’ll have a bit of food. And then there’s a Mercure Hotel.
In the City Centre. I got us a room. They have, in some of the rooms, they
have four-poster beds. Have you ever slept in a four-poster bed, Emma?

Emma I haven’t no.

Bernard They’re bloody massive. There’s plenty of room. You don’t

need to go back tonight do you?

Emma No. I don’t need to no.

Bernard Lovely. That’s lovely. You are exactly what I dreamed you
would be.

Emma Am I?

Bernard You have very pretty hair.

Emma My hair?

Bernard Would you mind if I touched it?

Emma No.

He touches her hair.

Bernard Thank you. It’s beautiful.

Emma I might go to the toilet.

Michaela Good thinking.

Emma leaves.

Bernard She’s.

Michaela Yeah.

Bernard Are you okay?

Michaela I’m fine yeah. Are you?

Bernard You look very beautiful.

Michaela You don’t need to pay us. Jesus, Bernard. Do you think I’m
here for that?

Bernard No.

Michaela And a four-poster bed? Are you trying to impress her?

Bernard I’m sorry.

Michaela It’s all right. It’s coz you’re nervous. I forgive you.

Bernard Yeah. Thank you for your photographs. They were lovely.

Michaela Really?

Bernard I promise you I’ll look after them. I won’t share them with
anybody.

Michaela I know.

Bernard I look at them all the time.

Michaela Do you?

Bernard Are you sure you’re okay?

Michaela I am. I’m fine.

Bernard Do you promise?

Andy and Steven have gone to the grounds of Durham Cathedral.

Andy Baby.

Steven Yeah.

Andy Baby.

Steven Yeah.

Andy Can we wait?

Steven Can we what?

Andy Can we wait?

Steven Until what?

Andy Until we get to the hotel.

Steven Are you serious?

Andy I don’t mind the kissing.

Steven You’re so funny.

Andy I don’t want to do this outside.

Steven Why not?

Andy It’s uncomfortable.

Steven It doesn’t need to be.

Andy And it’s unhygienic.

Steven Is it fuck unhygienic?

Andy It is.

Steven Compared to some of the places you’ve told me about.

Andy Steven.

Steven Compared to the beer cellar at, what was it, the Red Lion in
Bradford, you’re calling Durham Cathedral unhygienic?

What’s the matter?

Andy Nothing’s the matter.

Steven Really?

Andy Really?

Steven Really really?

Andy Really really.

Steven Well you could have fucking fooled me.

Andy Hey. Don’t.

It’s just.

Steven What?

Andy It’s a bit odd.

Steven What is?

Andy You can’t have sex in Durham Cathedral.

Steven Why not?

Andy The fucking Venerable Bede is in there. The first historian in the
English language. I’d feel tremendously self-conscious.

Steven ‘Tremendously self conscious’ have you heard yourself speak?

Andy You’re just restless.

Steven Yeah. I fucking am.

Andy Restless sex is always a bit angry and angry sex is always a bit
shit.

Steven looks at him then roars.

Andy Wow.

Joe I’m glad you called me, Ashe. I’ve been wanting to see you for a
while.

Ashe Magic.

Joe Don’t do that.

Ashe Sorry Joe darling, I don’t mean to be difficult, I’m just absolutely
bone tired. On account of having been awake all night and being awake all
night every night all the time.

Joe Yeah.

Ashe ‘Yeah?’ ‘Yeah?’ ‘Yeah?’ Is that all you’ve got to say for yourself?
‘Yeah?’

Joe It must have been really difficult.

Ashe I wanted you to come round because I need you to get me

Leighton’s child support. You owe me about six weeks in total but we can
kick off with this week for starters. Which is pretty flipping generous of me
I reckon. I want it today. I want it now.

Joe Ashe I’ve not got access to that amount of cash.

Ashe Then get access.

Joe I understand that it must be annoying. I just don’t know how I’m
meant to get access to that kind of money today.

Ashe I don’t know how you’re meant to get it either. I don’t care how
you’re meant to get it. It’s completely irrelevant to me. I just want it.

Joe You’re not being reasonable.

Ashe Ha! ‘Reasonable?’ Nice one. Just get it, Joe, yeah? I need twenty
quid a week from you, Joe. You owe me twenty quid a week. That’s what
the court said. That’s what you signed for. It’s not a question of whether
something is reasonable or unreasonable or fair or not fair. It’s the law. Joe.

Joe I know.

Ashe It’s the law mate. So can I have my twenty quid please? Can I have
my twenty quid please?

Joe I haven’t –
Ashe I’ll call the cops.

Joe It wouldn’t make any difference. I can’t get it.

Ashe Did work not pay you this week or something?

Joe I missed a few days.

Ashe Why?

Joe I was having nosebleeds.

Ashe Oh yeah?

Joe Don’t.

Ashe Don’t what?

Joe I’ve not been using. Not for twelve weeks. Not anything.

Ashe Well that’s big of you.

Joe This is difficult for me.

Ashe What do you bloody well think it’s like for me?

Joe I’m honestly really sorry.

Ashe Sorry?

Joe Yeah. I am. I am, Ashe. I am. I’m trying. I’m sorry.

Ashe It’s not enough.

Joe Ashe. Ashe. Look at me. Ashe, I love you.

Ashe That means absolutely nothing. I don’t need words. What I need is
twenty quid.

Joe I don’t know what else you expect me to say.

She roars.

It completely takes him by surprise.

Steven roars again. His roar turns into a call.

Andy Alright petal. Calm down.

In the grounds of a church in Blackpool Jess roars.

Her roar is a roar of release.

Ashe What?

She stares at him. Then turns away.

Steven ’s call turns into a kind of cry of hello.

Andy Who are you calling to?

Steven I don’t know. I’ve no idea.

I need to go somewhere. I need to go somewhere now. Will you take me

somewhere now?

Andy Where were you thinking?

Steven Somewhere out of here.

We should go in a car. A really fucking cool car. And really hit the road.
Like fucking Bonnie & Clyde. Like Thelma and Louise.

Andy Where exactly are you going to get a car from?

Steven We could nick one. I bet we could nick one dead easily.

Andy Have you ever stolen a car before, Steven?

Steven No. But I bet it’s easy. Haven’t you?

Andy No.

Steven We could steal a car and we could go to Brussels. Go to

Amsterdam. Get some proper drugs. Keep going. Go to Berlin. Go to
Moscow.

Andy Why the fuck would you want to go to Moscow for?

Steven Fuck a cossack. Give a secret handjob to a KGB operative. It is

possible to drive to Siberia. Did you know that?

Andy It’s not, you know.

Steven From here if you get across the sea you can drive all the way to
Siberia to a town called Lavrentia. The furthest eastern part of Russia.

Andy You can’t.

Steven You can. It’d take fucking ages but if we chose the right car we’d
be fine. I’m sorry I’m just –

Andy What?

Steven Do you ever get the feeling that something extraordinary is

happening?

Some time.

Everything in this country is so small. Did you never think that? That’s
what you’ve done to me. You’ve made me realise how everything in this
country is tiny.

Andy Tiny?

Steven It reminds me of being in the playground.

Andy What does?

Steven The way they look at you. They look at you. Size you up. The
contempt, sweetheart the contempt is tangible. You can feel it. They live
their lives with this nasty petty fucked-up notion of normality. Life is for
one thing for them. You get fucked. You fuck.

Andy That’s two things. Are you all right, baby?

Steven You neck six pints and six whiskey chasers and you pull a bit of
skirt and you fuck it in the alleyway behind the pub and the ground’s wet
and you feel scared because you know you shouldn’t be doing it and the
notion of shame paralyses you.

Andy What the actual fuck are you talking about?

Steven Honestly?

Andy Honestly.

Steven I have no idea.

Andy I didn’t think you did.

Steven We’re not like them, me and you. You know that right? Which
means you’ll never leave me.

Will you? Will you, Andy?

Will you ever leave me, Andy, ever?

Andy Fucking hell.

Steven I knew it.

Andy Knew what?

Steven Is that why you won’t fuck me here? Is that what you’ve come
here for? To tell me you’re leaving?

Andy Jesus.
Steven Is it somebody else?

Andy Steven.

Steven Am I too young for you now or something?

Andy Don’t.

Steven Have you outgrown me? Are you just sick of my whingeing about
my exams and my shitness? Am I too stupid for you? I am aren’t I?

Andy No.

Steven I’m just.

Andy I know.

Steven Unbelievably sad. And a little bit terrified because I always

thought I was something that I’m starting to realise I never was, and I have
no idea what I’m going to do about it.

Is it the sex?

Andy Fuck off.

Steven Is it my body?

Andy Please.

Steven Do I disgust you when you look at me now is that it? Push your
drinks round the world. See how fucking beautiful men can be and then
come back to this shitty shell of a boy. It’s been a year now, Andy mate,
you’ve done your time. Nobody would blame you.

Andy You have no idea what you’re talking about.

Steven Don’t I?

Then look me in the eye and tell me you’ll never leave me.
Look me in the eye and tell me you’ll never leave me.

Steven looks at Andy for a long time.

Victoria approaches them.

Victoria Is this Durham Cathedral?

Andy Yeah.

Victoria I thought it was. I thought it was. Oh God.

Steven It’s closed.

Victoria This is very strange. It’s beautiful.

Andy Yes it is.

Victoria It’s a thousand years old.

Andy Yeah.

Victoria St Cuthbert’s in there.

Andy Yes he is.

Victoria And the head of St Oswald.

Andy His head?

Victoria Yes, his head okay?

Steven His actual head?

Victoria What? Do you think I’m lying? I’m not a liar.

Andy Are you all right, love?

Victoria And that’s the River Wear?

Andy That’s right.

Victoria It curls around. And goes all the way to the North Sea.

Andy Yes it does. Are you okay?

Victoria I’m trying to figure out where I am.

Andy I see.

Victoria I don’t really know exactly where I am. None of this makes any
sense. I’m very surprised to be here.

Andy Can we help you with anything? Where are you meant to be?

Victoria That’s what I’m trying to tell you. For goodness sake. Are you
deaf? I don’t know.

Steven Ignore her. She’s drunk.

Victoria I’m not. I’m not drunk. I’ve not drank in nine months. I’m
Victoria.

Andy Hello Victoria.

Victoria Would you like a biscuit?

Andy No thank you.

Victoria Or a crisp. I’ve got crisps. Or an apple. Or some bananas.

Steven We’ve actually just eaten.

Andy Are you sure there’s nothing we can do to help you find where
you’re meant to be?

Victoria You need to look after each other.

Andy What?
Victoria People should. They should. People should look after each
other.

You should look after him especially.

Steven I do.

Victoria You need to. I mean it. I’m incredibly serious.

It’s going to rain.

Steven It’s not.

Victoria It is, look.

Steven It’s a completely clear sky.

Victoria Yes. Yes. What on earth has that got to do with anything at all?

She leaves. They watch her go.

Andy I can’t promise you I’m never going to leave you.

Nobody can promise anybody that you fucking kid.

Steven Are you going to start talking about being a lot fucking older than
me again?

Andy No.

Steven Coz if you want to I can absolutely go on and on about your

astonishing age as much as you want.

Andy I don’t think I’d like that very much.

Some time.

It starts to rain.
She was right about the rain.

Steven Yeah.

Andy Where did that come from?

Steven I have absolutely no idea.

Ashe I should never have come here.

Joe What do you mean?

Ashe I can honestly say that the years since I’ve come to Ulverston have
been the worst two years of my life.

Joe I don’t see what’s so bad about Ulverston.

Ashe It’s a rubbish town full of rubbish people living rubbish lives doing
rubbish things.

Joe A lot of people like Ulverston.

Ashe I don’t know what I came here for. I’ve got nothing here.

Joe You got your Gran’s house. A lot of people would be grateful to have
a free house, Ashe.

Ashe Maybe Steven was right.

Joe Steven? What did Steven say?

Ashe He told me to get an abortion.

Joe He told you to abort Leighton?

Ashe Said he didn’t trust you. Said you’d only mess me around.

Joe I always liked Steven.

Ashe When he said that he broke my heart. But maybe he was right after
all. You might sound like a posh boy but you’re a deadbeat who can’t pay
me child support.

Joe That’s not fair.

Ashe You’re as rubbish as the town is. You were a rubbish boyfriend.

Joe Ashe.

Ashe You’re a rubbish dad.

Joe There’s something I need to tell you.

Ashe There’s one or two things I could do with telling you too, mate.

Joe I’m clean, Ashe.

Beat.

Ashe Sorry, you’re flipping what?

Joe I said I’m clean, Ashe. I’ve been clean for twelve weeks.

Ashe Sorry, you’ve been flipping what?

Joe My mum and dad paid for me to go into a clinic.

Ashe They did flipping what?

Joe I went to a place in Watford. Cassiobury Court it was called and it

really –

Ashe I don’t believe this.

Joe It helped, Ashe.

Ashe I don’t believe you.

Joe I did a lot of work on what I’ve been doing and the mistakes that I’ve
made and –

Ashe I don’t trust you.

Joe There are people who I need to say sorry to and you’re one of those
people and I thought if I came here and said sorry to you and tried to repair
things and start again I think that could be really important for me.

Ashe I don’t trust you.

I don’t trust myself around you. I don’t trust you with my things. I can’t
leave you with my things because you’d sell them.

Joe Not any more.

Ashe You’d spend all the money on booze and drugs and fags and shit
kebabs.

Joe I wouldn’t do that any more. This is what I’m trying to tell you.

Ashe I can’t trust you with Leighton.

Joe When have I ever done anything to hurt Leighton?

Ashe Because I’ve never left you on your own with him, Joe, that’s why.

Joe I would never hurt him.

Ashe Because I’m scared that you’d drop him or you’d get bored and
walk out and forget he was even here.

Joe I’ve decided that I want to be part of his life, Ashe.

Ashe Just nip out for a script and a bottle of gin and fall asleep on the
sofa. You’d drop him. You’d lose him. You’d die.

Joe Don’t say that.

Ashe That’s what junkies do. They die.

Joe That’s ironic. After what you did.

I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. That was awful. I didn’t mean it.

Ashe. Can I ask you? Have you thought about the possibility that I could
move in here?

Ashe Have I what?

No.

Joe I don’t mean to get back together with you.

Ashe No. You couldn’t do that, no.

Joe I could sleep in the living room.

Ashe Are you not listening to me?

Joe I could get up in the night and give him his bottle. I’d be there to
give you a break. That would be good wouldn’t it? Wouldn’t it, Ashe?

Ashe I would love nothing more than having somebody else to do that
Joe but never you, ever.

All his clothes are second hand. They’re too small for him. Do you know
how ashamed that makes me feel? Having everybody see my baby in
clothes too small for him?

Joe Well we could go up to the centre then. We could go together and get
some more.

Ashe All his toys are second hand. Not much to ask for is it?

Joe I’ve given him toys. My mum and dad have given him toys.
Ashe When he was born, Joe. He’s nearly two, mate. You did know that
didn’t you?

Joe Course I knew that.

Ashe What are you gonna get him for his birthday?

Joe Whatever he wants.

Ashe Can you remember when his birthday is? He’s your own son, Joe,
can you remember when his birthday is?

Joe March 20th.

One of the things I did in Cassiobury Court was meditate. And when I
meditated on of my points of concentration was you. And so I found myself
thinking about you a lot. And about Leighton. And I had all kinds of ideas.
About what we could do. I know this is going to sound strange and it might
be quite embarrassing but one of the things I thought we could do was we
could get married.

Ashe Oh for –

Joe I’m not talking for romantic reasons. If we were married we could
get support.

Ashe I am not marrying you!

Joe There are levels of tax relief we would have access to.

Ashe There is no way on earth I would ever marry a junkie.

Joe Don’t use that word.

Ashe It’s what you are.

Joe I don’t like that word.

Ashe I’ve not been coping, Joe.

Joe I know.

Ashe I’ve not, mate.

He’s been sleeping in my bed. He’s been in with me.

Joe That sounds nice.

Ashe He won’t sleep without me though. I try to put him back in his cot
but he howls. It’s awful. I don’t sleep. His eczema has got really bad. He
scratches. I can’t afford the little gloves. His skin’s broken from it.

Joe That’s not my fault. There are some things which are my fault but
that isn’t one of them.

Ashe I can’t take it any more.

Joe You look as though you’re doing all right. You look lovely to me,
Ashe.

Ashe You should see me in the middle of the night. You should see me at
4 in the morning when he’s crying and scratching and bleeding and I’m
looking at him like – I don’t feel human. I don’t. I’ve been there before,
Joe.

Joe I know you have. There is part of me that finds that unforgivable.

Ashe What?

Joe The idea that you could do that and leave Leighton on his own.

Some of my friends at Cassiobury Court asked me if I was sure you were

safe looking after Leighton, after that.

Ashe Oh my God.

Joe I told them I was dead sure and that I would help you.

Ashe Ha!
Joe What?

Ashe I’ve just realised why you finally replied to my text.

Joe What?

Ashe I just clocked why you’ve come round.

Joe Have you?

Ashe Have you come round for some money?

Joe No.

Ashe You have, haven’t you?

Joe No.

Ashe You have, Joe, I can tell, mate.

Joe I haven’t, Ashe.

Ashe Then what have you come round for?

Joe I came to tell you about the treatment and about how I know I let you
down and that I can’t make reparation for that but I can acknowledge the
damage that I did.

Ashe Well that’s big of you.

Joe It wasn’t all bad though was it, Ashe?

Ashe Don’t.

Joe We had some amazing times didn’t we?

Ashe I said don’t.

Joe We did, baby, didn’t we?

Mum and Dad were asking after you.

Ashe Don’t lie.

Joe And Mum had an idea.

Ashe Well done her.

Joe It’s a bit of a surprising one. It might surprise you.

Bear me out.

It’s about Leighton.

Ashe Oh aye?

Joe She knows how hard it’s been. For you and for him but mainly for
you.

She was trying to think of different ways she could help because she’s not
very happy at the moment about just giving me money because of some of
the ways that I’ve spent it in the past.

Ashe No? Really?

Joe And she said to me. That she would like it if Leighton, yes. If
Leighton went for a while to live with her and Dad. They’ve got a spare
room. They’ve got a garden, Ashe. He could play outside all the time. She
said that after a while you could go and you could see him whenever you
wanted. He’d need to settle in. But that she could look after him.

Ashe Sorry, Joe. She said what?

Joe She said that as well as looking after Leighton, just to help you out,
to get you back on your feet. She said she could pay it in cash and she was
talking to a friend whose daughter works for Social Services and it’s not at
all unusual for grandparents to look after their grandchildren nowadays. It’s
not Ashe.
Ashe She wants to buy him?

Joe No. God. She wants to help.

Ashe No. No. No. No.

Joe She loves him, Ashe. She does.

Ashe No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

Joe I think it’s a really good idea. I think you owe it to Leighton to take it
seriously.

Ashe Please will you get out, please? Please will you get out of my
house, please? You’re his dad you fucking shit.

Joe Don’t call me that.

Ashe You fucking piece of fucking shit.

Joe I’m trying to be kind.

Ashe You’re his dad.

Joe I’m trying, Ashe.

Ashe You’re his fucking – Get out. Get out. Get out.

Joe I can’t be around language like this.

Ashe I will fucking stab you in the face. Get out.

Joe Please stop threatening me. I don’t want to have to take myself away
from this environment but if you don’t calm down then I will do that.

Ashe Fuck you. Fuck you. Get out of my house.

Joe goes.
Ashe collapses.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

She howls.

She hits herself over the head.

Steven, in Durham, Jess in Blackpool and Bernard in Doncaster watch

her.

Outside it starts quite suddenly to rain.

Raining? Where did that come from? It’s raining, Leighton. It’s all right
baby. It’s just rain.

Ashe leaves.

The cast sing the first part of The Hymn of The North as the rain pours all
across the North.

There’s an interval.

After the interval Bernard, Emma and Michaela have moved to a room in
the Mercure Hotel, Doncaster.

Emma This is fucking incredible.

Michaela It’s amazing.

Emma It’s funny because it still looks a bit cheap.

Bernard I was thinking that.

Emma But even though it looks a bit shit I still think it’s fucking
amazing.

Bernard That’s good.

Emma The colours.

Bernard What?

Emma Aren’t the colours – when you think about it? They are pretty
incredible. Colour is pretty incredible. When you think about it properly.

Bernard It is I suppose.

Emma Have you seen the rain? When did that start?

Bernard It is raining very heavily.

Michaela And the colour of that sky. It’s like magic.

Emma There’s plenty of room on here, Bernard.

Bernard Yes there is.

Emma We could roll around. I love rolling around on a bed, me.

Bernard Should I call down?

Emma What for?

Bernard We could get some food?

Emma Are you serious?

Michaela You can’t still be hungry, Bernard?

Bernard I told you. I never stop.

Emma You’ll eat yourself if you’re not careful.

His phone goes.

Michaela Is that your phone?

Emma Ignore it.

Bernard I could get some ice cream.

Michaela I’m stuffed.

Bernard I’ll get us some champagne.

Michaela I bet there’s champagne in here.

Emma Do you know what’s good about champagne?

Bernard What?

Emma The bubbles feel amazing. On your tongue. On your body.

Bernard Do they?

Emma Have you ever tried it?

Bernard I haven’t no.

Emma We should try it.

Bernard Oh I like you very much.

Emma I can tell.

Bernard I could eat some ice cream off your tummies.

Emma Oh my God.

Bernard Have you ever had anybody eat ice cream off your tummies
before?

Emma No.

Michaela Me neither.

Bernard It’s very cold.

Emma I’m sure.

Bernard And kind of creamy.

Emma starts laughing.

What? What are you laughing about?

Emma Nothing.

Bernard It’s all right.

Emma I can’t stop.

Bernard No.

Michaela Hey Bernard.

Come here.

Bernard goes to her. They kiss.

Now you kiss her.

Bernard Are you sure?

Michaela Yes I’m sure. Silly.

Bernard goes to Emma. They kiss.

Michaela Emma. Come here.

Emma goes to Michaela. They kiss. They pull apart giggling.

Emma Sorry.

Bernard What are you sorry for?

Michaela She burped.

Bernard Did she?

Emma Can I admit something to you, Bernard?

Bernard You can admit anything.

Emma I don’t find you that attractive.

Bernard Right. No.

Emma Don’t take it personally. You look all upset.

Bernard I’m not.

Emma You’re not attractive but you’re very sad and I like sadness in a
man.

Bernard Sad?

Emma Do you remember the last time we did this?

Michaela It was a long time ago.

Emma Have I changed a bloody load?

Michaela Not really.

Emma loses her balance.

Michaela Hey. I’ve got you.

Emma Hold me up.

Michaela I am doing.

Emma Michaela.

Michaela Emma.

Emma You’re amazing to me. Completely astonishing.

Emma leaves into the bathroom.

Michaela Are you okay?

Bernard I’m fine. She’s –

What are you smiling about?

Michaela This. Of all the places you could have brought us to.

Bernard I know.

Michaela Doncaster.

Bernard I know.

Michaela Are you sure you want to do this?

Bernard Are you?

Michaela You don’t have to, you know, if you don’t want to.

Emma returns.

Emma I’m cold. Is anybody else cold?

Michaela Should we get into bed?

Bernard We could do.

His phone rings. He turns it off.

Michaela Your phone again.

Bernard I know.

Michaela You should check it.

Bernard In a bit.

Michael and Jess are in the graveyard of the Church of Sacred Heart,
Blackpool.
Jess I can’t believe it’s locked.

Michael Services every three weeks.

Jess It seems really wrong somehow doesn’t it? Locking a church.

Michael It’s pretty here though.

Jess Not as pretty as it is inside.

Michael The Sacred Heart Church.

I wonder what it is.

Jess What?

Michael A sacred heart.

Jess It was Jesus’s heart.

Michael Was it?

Jess Course it was.

Michael Hm. His actual heart?

Jess His actual heart.

Michael They used to worship his actual heart?

Jess Yes they did.

Michael Why not his like his spleen or something?

Jess Idiot.

Michael The sacred spleen. It makes as much sense as worshipping his

heart. Still an organ isn’t it?

She looks at him. Smiles.

Jess The rain’s stopped.

Michael I’d never seen rain like that before. It came from nowhere.
There were no clouds.

Jess Are you okay?

Michael I’m fucking magic.

Jess That’s funny.

Michael What?

Jess Hearing you swear. You don’t swear a lot do you?

Michael I try not to.

Jess Do you like having sex outside?

Michael I mean yeah. Outside. Inside. I’m kind of just a big fan of the
whole thing really.

Jess I quite enjoy it. It feels quite rebellious. It’s a good job it’s not too
cold. A bit of cold is quite fun.

Michael Yeah.

Jess I’ve never actually had sex in a churchyard before. That was a new
one. Even for me. I was trying my best to be extremely quiet. Could you
tell?

Michael I mean. It’s all relative really isn’t it.

Jess You were very lovely.

Michael Thank you. You were very lovely too.

Jess You can see the sea. See Dublin on a clear day.
Michael No you can’t.

Jess Two hundred and twenty-seven miles away. Nothing that. Cork’s
four hundred miles away. That’s the furthest city on the west coast of
Ireland. New York’s next. Three thousand two hundred miles away. You
ever been there?

Michael No.

Jess Me neither.

Michael My brother went. When he was about my age. He said it was

amazing.

Jess We should go. Us two. One day. Take McKenzie. Not today.

Michael Be a proper adventure that though, wouldn’t it? What?

Jess Nothing.

Michael You shivered.

Jess Somebody walked over my grave.

Michael Ha.

Jess I know.

Michael You sure they weren’t having a bit of a fuck on it?

Her phone goes.

Jess Three missed calls.

Michael Who is it?

Jess Didn’t say.

Michael Didn’t they leave a voicemail?

Jess They left three.

Michael Right.

Some time.

Jess We are sitting on the very edge of England.

Michael Yes we are.

Jess What are you chuckling about?

Michael I’m trying to imagine you in a classroom. It’s kind of doing my

head in a bit. Aren’t you worried any of your kids are gonna see you?

Jess No.

Michael What kind of teacher are you?

Jess A fucking great one.

Michael Yeah. I bet you are.

Jess Hey.

Michael What?

Jess I remembered something about you.

Michael Oh yeah?

Jess Yeah.

Michael What did you remember about me?

Jess I remember what Gary told me about you.

I asked Gary about you because I was really fascinated by you. And just
sitting here looking at the sea I remember what he told me. Funny that isn’t
it?

Michael What did he tell you?

Jess That I should be careful. That you were a mad bastard. That you
were a very violent man.

Michael looks at her.

Michael Did he say that?

Jess Yes he did. There’s part of me that wonders if that was one of the
reasons I made a bee-line for you. I was kind of drawn to you like a fucking
idiot. Which when I think about what it was like making love with you and
when I hear you talking about your son and and your mum and your
brother, especially your brother. And your Pixar movies and fucking Abba
for fucksake seems like he was totally talking about the wrong person. Was
he? Was he talking about the wrong person Michael? Was he talking about
the wrong person?

Michael Can I tell you something?

Jess You can try.

Michael Before McKenzie was born I got myself into quite a bit of debt.
I went out too much I spent a lot of money I didn’t have. And I borrowed
some money off the kind of people I shouldn’t have borrowed money off.
And in order to pay back this money I started collecting money for them.
It’s quite a common thing around here. A common way of paying back debt.
And then after McKenzie was born I wanted to give him the best possible
chance so I carried on doing it.

I was very good at it. And if I’m really honest I have got a bit of a
reputation for being a hard man in some parts of this town because of how
good at it I was.

I told Jenny about it. I didn’t hide it from her. She found it quite exciting at
first. After a while she was less excited. I never hurt her. But one of the
reasons she decided she didn’t want to be married with me any more was
because of that.

She looks at him.

Jess Did you ever go to jail?

Michael No I didn’t.

Jess Did you ever kill anybody?

Michael No. Course not. Kill anybody? No.

Jess But you hurt some people?

Michael Yes I did.

Jess And did you hurt some people quite badly?

He can’t answer her.

What was the worst thing you did to anybody?

He can’t answer her.

Have you stopped now?

Michael Yes.

Jess Completely?

He looks at her.

Jess One of the things I try hardest to not do is judge people. I’m trying
really hard to not judge you.

Michael How’s it going?

Jess I don’t know yet. It’s too soon to tell.

You’re not like most people are you?

Michael What do you mean?

Jess It’s always the freaks that go for me.

Michael I’m not a freak.

She reaches over. Touches his hair.

Jess Do us a favour.

Michael All right.

Jess Don’t fall in love with me. People shouldn’t fall in love with me. I
finish them off.

My sister tried to kill herself once. She did. Ashe. She left Leighton with
me. I was on half-term holiday. She told me I was the sensible one. Told me
she had to go and have a job interview. Went to a hotel in Bristol. She
messed it up. Should have seen the look on my dad’s face when he first saw
her in hospital. People are always killing themselves nowadays aren’t they?
It’s a bit of cliché really. Oh well.

Everybody is terrified about what is going to happen and nobody knows

what it is.

Did you ever believe in God?

Michael Never.

Jess Good job probably isn’t it?

Michael Probably.

Jess Must be some kind of sin shagging in a churchyard if you believe in

God, eh?

Michael Must be.

Jess I am very, very glad we had sex and I think it’s very funny that we
had sex in a churchyard. And I’m very glad you stayed the night last night
and put me to bed. I can’t sleep on my own anymore. I can’t. I hate it.

Will you stay tonight, Michael?

Michael All right.

Jess Do you promise?

Michael I promise.

Jess I should listen to those voicemails.

Michael Yeah you should.

Christine enters the terraced house in Ulverston.

Wearing her coat.

She looks around herself.

Ashe re-enters.

She is confused to see her mum.

Ashe Mum?

Christine Ashe?

Ashe Mum –

Christine Hello love.

Ashe How did? What did? How?

Christine Hello.

Ashe Hi.
Some time.

Christine This must be a bit of a surprise is it?

Ashe It is a bit. When did you get up?

Christine Just now.

Ashe I didn’t know. You didn’t call. You didn’t say you were coming.

Christine No.

Ashe You look – Is everything all right?

Christine I think so. I’m not sure.

Ashe What? I’m. How did you get in?

Christine I just walked in, I think.

Ashe Have you got a key?

Christine No.

Ashe This is. Did Joe leave the door open?

Christine Maybe.

Ashe Mum.

Christine Ashe.

Ashe Mum.

Christine Yes.

Ashe This is.

Christine I know.
Ashe This isn’t.

Christine No.

Ashe Are you?

Christine It’s okay. Do you want to sit down?

Ashe I’m all right.

Christine You can do if you want to love.

Ashe Mum. What’s happening? Mum. What’s happening?

Christine I don’t really know love.

Ashe Oh. Is this?

Christine I don’t know love. Don’t cry.

Ashe I’m not.

Are you in my head?

Christine No.

Ashe Mum, are you real?

Christine I think I am Ashe, yeah.

Ashe Mum? I have the oddest feeling.

Christine I know love.

Ashe What’s going on?

Christine I don’t know. Not really.

Ashe I don’t understand.

Christine No. Your dad’s going to ring.

Ashe Mum, are you dead?

Christine Has he not called yet?

Ashe No. He hasn’t no.

Christine Sit down sweetheart.

Ashe Are you dead, Mum? Are you?

Christine nods.

Christine reaches over and touches Ashe’s hair.

Ashe starts crying.

Christine comforts her.

What’s going on? What’s going on, Mum?

Christine There was blood on my brain, love. It was called a

subarachnoid haemorrhage. It’s only just happened. It’s all right. It didn’t
hurt. It was embarrassing more than anything.

Ashe Mum. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t. Don’t.

Christine Hey. Come on. Come on love. None of that.

She sings to her from The Hymn of The North.

As much time as it takes to calm her.

Christine Funny being back here.

Ashe What?
Christine It’s probably not the only thing that’s a bit funny is it. Listen to
me. I always liked it here. Liked visiting Agnes, your dad’s mum. Your
nana. Is the Coach House still open?

Ashe The Coach House?

Christine We used to come up for day trips to see her. Bring Jess. He
was always very lovely with Jess, your dad. Go up to the Coach House for
sandwiches. Agnes would always have a dry white wine. No matter what
time of day it was. We’d walk up to the Hoad Monument. I loved this whole
area.

Ashe This is just. Am I going mad, Mum?

Christine No. You’re not. You’re not love. That’s what I’ve come here to
tell you. I’m just chatting for a bit first. To calm you down.

Ashe I’m really confused.

Christine I know. We’d go out to Bardsea. Did we ever take you out
there?

Ashe I don’t remember. What?

Christine Your dad would take me out to the island. You could walk to
Chapel Island but you had to be careful because the sand was unstable. It
was quicksand. It wasn’t safe. Bernard knew all the routes though. I’d go
with him. We came for holidays before you were born. Agnes always loved
you three. Your granddad found Jess a bit trickier because she wasn’t his
own granddaughter but Agnes never did. She loved you especially. She told
me you reminded her of her. We walked to Coniston once. Me and Bernard.
It took us all day. It was beautiful. We were exhausted by the time we got
there. Lay on the side of the lake. I lay my head on his chest. That was
before he had a tummy.

Ashe What are you doing here, Mum?

Christine I’m not entirely sure myself. I just had this idea. That I should
come and tell you that you should do your best to look after Leighton.

Ashe I do. What? Leighton? I do look after him, Mum. I do.

Christine It was important to me to tell you that it gets easier.

Ashe What does?

Christine Everything.

Ashe This is –

Christine Everything gets easier.

Ashe I am very confused, Mum. This is all really scary.

Christine They start talking. It’s astonishing. They learn to tell you
what’s wrong. It gets easier.

Ashe Everybody says that.

Christine Well has it crossed your mind that everybody says it because
it’s true?

Ashe This is the strangest thing in the whole world.

Christine They get right gobby. They go on and on, like Steven. He
won’t shut up. Or Jess. She’s a right cheeky one her, isn’t she? But it’s a
blessing because they can tell you what’s on their mind. Tell you what they
want. They can tell you where it hurts. That makes it all so much easier.
And then before you know it they are cleverer than you ever thought they
would be. And wiser than you ever were and they notice things about you
which are true but which you never noticed yourself and they’re funny. And
they’re beautiful.

Ashe This is very odd.

Christine I’m sorry Joe isn’t who you need him to be.
Ashe I don’t want to talk about him, mum.

Christine No. Well you don’t need to talk about him. You just need to
know –

I’m here.

And you need to know that you made the right decision. Just now. And I
know you were more tempted by what Joe offered than you wish you were.

Ashe I wasn’t.

Christine There’s nothing wrong about that.

Ashe How do you know about that?

Christine We make mistakes. I mean look at me.

The things I did to you lot.

And that time when you –

Ashe What?

Christine I don’t like to say it.

Ashe Have you tried?

Christine That time you tried to kill yourself.

Ashe Yeah.

Christine I still for the life of me don’t know why you did that.

Was it because of Leighton?

Ashe No.

Christine Was it because of Joe?

Ashe No.

Christine Was it a money thing?

Ashe No.

Christine Was it because of my drinking?

Ashe No.

Christine Because I do know that I let you down.

Ashe It wasn’t that.

Christine What was it then?

Ashe I don’t know. People don’t know these things. You don’t exactly
decide. Even if you think you do you don’t, really. You just do stuff and
then afterwards you come up with all these reasons.

Christine I came to tell you not to do that again.

Ashe Did you?

Christine Please don’t do that again, Ashe. Please don’t.

Ashe I’ll try.

Christine Trying isn’t enough love. Will you promise me?

Ashe I can’t.

Christine Please will you?

Ashe I can’t, Mum.

I know it was terrible for you and for Dad and for everybody.
I know all about needing to be here for Leighton and needing to be here for
Dad now probably but I can’t promise that because I have no idea what I’m
going to do. So to promise something like that would be a lie.

I don’t know what else I can say about it.

Christine Can I ask you something?

Ashe Go on.

Christine What was it like?

Ashe It was very scary. It was exciting. It felt naughty. And then I started
panicking so I started screaming and I think this is true, I think they came
from another room.

Christine They did.

Ashe Got me down.

Christine That’s right. Have you pierced your nose?

Ashe You’ve seen this.

Christine I’ve not.

Ashe I had this done at Christmas.

Christine I didn’t notice.

Ashe Do you like it?

Christine It’s very striking.

Ashe Thank you.

Christine It makes you look very confident.

Ashe Which is ironic.

Christine I like what you’ve done with the place.

Ashe Thanks, Mum.

Christine It’s very tidy.

Ashe That’s about the best I can do. Tidy up.

Christine I like the colours.

Ashe I wish I could change them.

Christine Do you?

Ashe I’d love to paint the walls. Really like bright yellow or something.

Christine Yellow?

Ashe Something like that.

Christine I’m not sure about yellow.

Some time.

Ashe This is extremely strange.

Christine I know.

Some time.

Ashe Ha.

Christine Ha!

Some time.

Ashe People are meant to say things to each other in situations like this.

Christine Are they?

Ashe Yeah.

Christine What sort of things?

Ashe I can’t think.

Christine No.

Ashe You were a lot more complicated than I realised when I was a
teenager and if I did anything stupid because I didn’t really realise how
complicated you were then I do apologise.

Christine That sort of thing?

Ashe Yeah.

Christine Like profound things.

Ashe I think so.

Christine God.

Ashe I know.

Christine Well done.

Ashe Thanks.

Christine I’m trying to think of something now.

Ashe Only if you want to.

Christine How’s this? I think you three were better than anything. I do. I
think you three were the best humans that anybody has ever seen. I think
you were better than God. Maybe this is why it happened to me. Maybe I
shouldn’t have thought that. But I did and I’m not going to lie about it. If I
think about you suffering it would turn me to stone.

Ashe Where were you?

Christine I was in the supermarket. I was going to get a bottle of vodka.

Ashe But you –

Christine I know. I’m not proud. Promise me you won’t tell anybody.

Ashe What were you doing that for?

Christine Don’t tell your dad. Don’t tell Jess or Steven. Don’t tell
anybody. Do you promise?

Ashe Okay I promise.

Christine I just wanted a bottle of vodka all of a sudden so I decided to

get one. I reached up for the bottle. And then I fell over. And then I died. It
was quite quick as it goes. It didn’t hurt. Which doesn’t mean to say that it
doesn’t hurt for everybody but it didn’t for me.

Some time.

Tell Bernard I found the photographs on his phone. See what he says. Tell
him it’s all right. This wasn’t anything to do with that.

Some time.

Ashe Look at us all.

Christine I know.

Some time.

Ashe I love Leighton so much.

Christine I know you do.

Ashe I didn’t think it was possible to love anything this much.

Christine It’s surprising isn’t it?

Ashe When I left him with Jess and went down to Bristol I was torn
because I thought on one hand he’s probably better off with her but on the
other hand the pull he had in the middle of my chest was the heaviest
feeling I’d felt up to that point.

All I want to know is that he’s going to be all right.

Christine He will be.

Can I go and see him?

Ashe He’s sleeping.

Christine I’ll be quiet.

Ashe Don’t wake him up, Mum.

Christine I won’t.

Ashe He’s had chicken pox. They get infected.

Christine I heard.

Ashe He’s been very difficult to get to sleep.

Christine I know. I’ll be as quiet as anything. Honest.

Ashe Mum.

Christine Which room’s he in?

Ashe Across the corridor.

Christine I promise.

Ashe When you go out of this room are you going to be gone?

Christine I don’t know.

Ashe Will I be able to see you again?

Christine I don’t know. I’ve never really done this before.

Ashe No. Okay.

Christine Let’s see shall we?

Steven and Andy are in a room in a Travelodge in Durham.

Steven She used to drink in the mornings. She started having falls. I
found her. I found her one time in the toilet. She couldn’t stand up. She was
drunk at school a couple of times. She’d take a bottle of wine to
McDonald’s. She kept forgetting my birthday. I shouldn’t mind about things
like that my age but I’m her only son.

Andy Ssshhh.

Steven I’m sorry.

Andy Don’t apologise. I’ve got you.

Steven Funny. Staying in a Travelodge.

Andy Why?

Steven Ashe went to a Travelodge. That was where she tried to hang
herself.

Andy Oh fuck. I am so sorry.

Steven Why?

Andy Why didn’t you say anything? We could have got a Holiday Inn.
We could have gone anywhere.

Steven It doesn’t matter. All the rooms are the same aren’t they? In these
places. It would have looked like this.
Andy Jesus. I am mortified. Let’s go to the Holiday Inn. It’s not too late
to change hotels. It’s definitely not.

Michaela and Bernard are in car parked in carpark outside the Mercure
Hotel, Doncaster.

Michaela I woke up. You weren’t there.

Bernard No.

Michaela I was looking for you for ages.

Bernard I’m sorry.

Michaela How long have you been sat out here?

Bernard Not long. An hour or so.

Michaela Everybody in the whole hotel is fast asleep.

Bernard Right.

Do you want a crisp?

Michaela No, thank you.

Bernard What am I like?

Michaela I know.

Bernard How’s Emma?

Michaela She’s asleep. She was snoring.

Bernard She’s quite a character.

Michaela She’s not changed. In all the time I’ve known her. Which is a
lot sadder than I thought it would be.
What were you doing out here?

Bernard Just thinking.

Andy and Steven are in a hotel room in a Travelodge in Durham.

Andy What are you thinking about?

Steven I’m wondering if I’m getting fat.

Andy You’re not.

Steven I will though.

Andy Only if you carry on at the rate you’re going.

Steven Did you hear that?

Andy What?

Steven I thought I heard someone.

Andy It’s a hotel, babe, you probably did.

Steven What am I going to do, Andy?

Andy Be kind. Be polite. Then the world will be alright.

Steven Are you quoting Paddington to me?

Andy Paddington 2.

Steven Fucking hell.

Andy Thank bus drivers. That’s my main advice to you. Always thank
bus drivers.

Steven I do.
Andy Make sure that you do that and everything else’ll kind of fall into
place.

Steven Are you serious?

Andy Coz they work hard. And it’s a stressful job and it’s bad for their
posture. And you’d be fucked without them.

Steven You fucking knobhead.

Andy Yeah.

Bernard I should have answered my phone.

Michaela It wouldn’t have made any difference.

Bernard I should have done.

Michaela I’m so sorry.

Bernard No. No. No. Don’t be. Don’t you be sorry. You have nothing to
be sorry for.

Michaela I’m sorry about tonight though.

Bernard Please don’t be.

Michaela I only did it because you said you wanted to.

Bernard I did. You don’t need to apologise. I’m really grateful to you.

I’m sorry. I feel very confused.

Michaela You’re shaking.

Steven People die.

Andy Yeah they do.

Bernard I feel a bit numb. I feel very dislocated.

Steven How odd is that?

Bernard You ever do something and while you’re doing it it’s like at the
same time as doing it you can watch yourself doing it?

Andy I like that.

Steven What?

Andy The way the light falls on your face.

Some time. Andy reaches over and touches Steven’s hair.

Steven How the fuck do you think she did it?

Andy Did what?

Steven Tied her belt to the light fitting?

Michaela I’m not sure.

Steven Did you ever want to be something else?

Andy What like?

Steven Like not a human. Like be an animal.

Andy I don’t know. Maybe.

Steven I’d be a tree if I could. I’d turn myself into a tree. With the roots
and the leaves and the sap and the bark around my skin. I’d be that.

Will you come with us?

Andy What?

Steven Tomorrow. To Stockport. Will you come with us?

Andy I have to go to work.

Steven Call in sick and come with us? Can you call in sick and come
with us, Andy?

Andy I’ll try.

Steven Please succeed. Please succeed, Andy. I so need you to succeed.

Bernard I can’t. I can’t drive. I’ve been drinking all night.

Michaela Right. You could call a taxi.

Bernard I did. They said they’d charge me six hundred quid at this time
of night.

Michaela Right.

Bernard I might still do it. You could stay here. Get the train back to
York in the morning.

Michaela Yeah. Okay. Whatever you want to do, Bernard, is honestly

fine.

Bernard Do you think she knew?

Michaela What?

Bernard About us?

Michaela I’ve no idea.

He does a weird, quiet howl.

Michaela Have you spoken to the kids?

Bernard Yeah.

Michaela Shit.
He bursts out crying.

He starts eating his own hand. He might even break the skin a bit. Chews
on it.

Michaela What are you doing?

Bernard I’m eating my hand. All right? Is that all right with you?

He cries more.

It takes as much time as it takes for him to stop and pull himself together.
She watches without really knowing what to do or say.

Some time.

Michaela We probably won’t see each other again after all this is
finished will we?

Bernard What?

Michaela I know that’s the last thing on your mind right now but we
probably won’t.

Bernard Michaela, just –

Michaela I want you to know that I don’t regret it. Anything that
happened. I liked it. I liked spending time with you. I was always excited to
see you. You were always very kind and you were kind of chivalrous and I
thought that was quite old-fashioned and cute. You made me felt seen. I
think you’re a bit fatter than you think you are. And that you should stop
eating all the time because I think you mainly eat when you’re sad or
anxious or scared or something. I think there’s probably a lot of stuff in
your head and in your life that you need to sort out. I think you need to stop
hiding things from people and lying to people. I shouldn’t have taken those
photographs and I’d like you to delete them. Will you promise me you’ll do
that? You don’t need to answer now.

Some time.
Bernard It’s absolutely the middle of the night.

Michaela Yeah.

As the stage is set for Part Three we watch the cast change their clothes
and Christine sings a verse from The Hymn of The North.

OceanofPDF.com
Part Three
Bernard stands in the dining room of his house.

Furniture has been pushed to one side.

Chairs around the side of the room.

Some drinks and food gathered on tables at the edge of the room.

Polystyrene plates and cups and plastic knives and forks.

There are some photos of Christine.

He is holding a bottle of fruit smoothie.

He reads the ingredients label.

He is dressed in a black suit with a white shirt.

Jess enters. She, like the rest of her family is dressed for her Mum’s funeral.

Bernard Amazing the things they put in here you know.

There are ingredients in these things. ‘Some sugar’ it says. But it doesn’t
tell you how much sugar. Does it?

Jess No.

Bernard See.

Jess Right.

Bernard Still. Better than nothing I expect.

Jess Yes. Here.

She hands him a black tie.

Bernard Thanks love.

Jess That’s okay.

He looks at the tie before putting it on.

Are you all set now?

Bernard I think so.

Jess I had a look at the washing machine for you.

Bernard Thank you.

Jess I think it’s fine now Dad.

Bernard Yes.

Jess She just left a wash in but it’s not serious. We can pop it on again if
you’re worried.

Bernard No. No. You’re okay.

He goes to head out and stops himself.

Funny. The whole business of clothes. What precisely to do with the things.

Jess Yeah.

Bernard If there’s anything of hers that any of you want.

Jess We’ll sort it out tomorrow, Dad.

Bernard I don’t think I’ll keep them.

Jess It’s a problem for another day.

Bernard That would be a bit odd. Keeping her clothes.

Jess Yeah.

Michael and Andy enter.

They are both carrying sofa/chairs.

Maybe they carry one big one together.

Jess Thank you boys.

Bernard I can help do that.

Andy You’re all right, Bernard.

Bernard I’m not entirely useless.

Andy It’s really not a problem.

Michael How many people do you think there are going to be, Jess?

Jess Quite a few I think. More than I thought. She had a lot of friends
from the office, from her work and quite a few of her friends from round
here have said they’re going to come. A couple of her school friends got in
touch as well.

Bernard Better to be prepared than to be taken completely by surprise.

That’s my motto.

They look at him.

He leaves.

Andy leaves to get more chairs.

Michael You okay?

Jess I am. I’m fine. Are you?

Michael Yeah. Yeah. Andy’s nice.

Jess Yeah. He’s funny.

Michael Said to let us know if we were ever likely to be flying

anywhere. He reckoned he could get us an upgrade.

Jess Maybe we should. Just bugger off somewhere.

This must be a bit odd for you isn’t it?

Michael There are more odd things.

Jess Did you tell McKenzie you were coming here?

Michael I told him I was going to stay with my friend Jess. He’s with his
mum.

Jess You can go home any time you want to.

Michael Don’t be stupid.

As long as you’re okay.

Jess Knobhead.

Michael Hey.

He goes to her.

Quick. Before anybody notices.

They kiss.

Right. Chairs.

Andy and Steven come in carrying some more chairs.

Andy The flowers look amazing.

Michael Yeah. They do. He’s right.

Jess She liked roses.

Andy Better than lilies I reckon.

Jess I know.

Andy I never liked the way that lilies smell. They remind me of funerals.
Which is. You know.

Jess Yeah.

Andy Ironic.

Jess You okay?

Steven Yeah I am. I am. I’ve sorted a playlist out.

Michael Brilliant.

Jess Well done. Is it a dancey one?

Andy I don’t know.

Jess We can put dancey ones on later if people are hanging about. And
want a dance.

Steven I never think of her as much of a dancer.

Jess Well. She may not be. I am. And she isn’t here to stop me.

Steven I’ll wait until, you know, some of the people have gone and
whack on Daft Punk or something.

Michael Nice one.

Steven You know who she got into?

Jess Who?

Steven She got really into Bjork.

Jess Did she?

Steven How mad is that?

I found like six of her CDs.

Jess We should play some Bjork then.

Steven Yeah.

They think about what it would be like to play Bjork at a funeral.

Andy I like the one about the mountain top.

Steven Hyperballad.

Andy Yeah.

A beat.

Andy I love the photos, Jess.

Jess Thank you.

Andy They look amazing.

Andy leaves to get more chairs.

Michael goes with him.

Steven Look at this one.

Jess I remember that dress.

Steven That was in Margate.

Jess I remember that holiday.

Steven She looks a lot younger.

Jess Yeah.

Steven She looks completely beautiful.

Jess Yeah. How does Dad seem to you?

Steven He’s doing my head in.

Jess He’s panicking.

Steven Panicking?

Jess About today. About what he’s going to do from now on.

Steven I don’t now what to do with him Jess.

Jess No.

Steven When have you got to go back?

Jess They’ve given me a week. What about you?

Steven Andy’s got to go back tomorrow. I think I’ll go with him.

Jess Can you stay any longer than that?

Steven Ashe’s staying. She’s gonna stay for a while she said.

Jess Couldn’t you stay with her?

Bernard enters.

He has brought food to lay out.

Michael and Andy bring more chairs in.

Bernard I’ve got sausage rolls. And little sushi plates. She liked sushi.
She got very into salmon rolls. She left some lamb marinade in the fridge so
Ashe has marinated some lamb. And I got some of those chocolate mini
bites coz Ashe loves those and frankly I could eat a whole tub.

Andy Me too.

Bernard I’m glad you’re here, Andy.

Andy I should think you are, Bernard.

Bernard It’s good of you to, you know. With work and everything.

Andy That’s not a problem.

Bernard Still. He’s a good one this one, Steven. He’s a keeper. And it’s
nice to meet you as well, Michael.

Michael Yeah.

Bernard I’m sure you’re a good one too. Sorry. I’m a bit flustered. I’ve
got some pizza bits. And some Scotch eggs.

Jess Right.

Steven Have you eaten anything Dad?

Bernard I’ve not, no. No. I will.

Steven When was the last time you ate anything?

Bernard Er. I don’t remember. Doesn’t matter. Good for me probably.

Andy You’ve got to eat, Bernard.

Bernard Yes. I know. I will.

Andy Come here.

Bernard What.

Andy straightens his tie.

Andy That’s better.

Bernard Right. Thank you.

Andy Not a problem.

Bernard I just very much want things to go well for her. Which makes
no sense. I want it to be what she would have wanted it to be. That’s
important. I’m going to miss her very much. She was an amazing – She was
my wife.

Good, good. This is all –

He leaves again.

Steven Where’s Ashe?

Jess She’s sorting Leighton.

Andy How’s he doing?

Jess He had a sleep. He looks really cute. He’s got a little shirt.

Andy Have you heard her speech?

Jess She read it to me. She knows it but she’s going to read it just in case.
It’s very simple. It’s lovely.

Steven Joe not coming?

Jess No. I don’t think we’ll be seeing much of Joe for a while.

Steven Thank fuck.

Jess Yeah.
Steven The total cunt.

Jess Yeah.

Ashe enters.

Jess You look lovely.

Ashe Thank you.

Jess Your hair.

Ashe Yeah. The food’s ready.

Steven Well done.

Ashe The photos look amazing.

Andy Don’t they?

Ashe That dress.

Jess Yeah.

Ashe What time’s the car?

Steven Five minutes.

Ashe Right. Right. Right. Will us three and Leighton go with Dad?

Jess There’s only room for four.

Andy Me and Michael can take Leighton.

Michael Yeah.

Ashe No. I want Leighton.

A beat.
Jess I should go with Michael and Andy.

Steven No you shouldn’t. You definitely shouldn’t. I’ll go with the boys.
You both go with Dad. It’ll be fine. Leighton can entertain him.

Michael Can’t mess around with the time, though. They queue them up
nowadays, funerals.

Ashe That’s true actually. They do. Has Dad eaten anything?

Steven No.

Ashe He needs to eat.

Jess We’ll talk about it tomorrow.

Ashe I wonder if any of this is what she would have wanted.

Jess She never really liked parties.

Ashe No.

Jess She’d have really liked all that wine though.

Steven Not anymore. Nine months she did without a drop. She amazed
me. I didn’t think she could do it but she did.

Jess Maybe it was stopping that killed her.

Ashe leaves.

Michael I would have liked to have met her.

Steven She would have liked you.

Michael Would she?

Steven She liked the handsome boys.

Ashe enters again. She is wearing Christine’s blue coat.

Ashe The cars are here.

Jess Right.

Nobody moves for a beat.

Andy I’ll put Leighton in the car for you Ashe.

Ashe Thank you.

Michael I’ll come with you. I’ll be outside.

Jess Okay.

Michael I think I’m getting a nosebleed.

Andy Pinch it. Don’t hold the bridge of your nose. Just pinch it.

Michael Fucking bollocks.

Andy and Michael leave.

Jess We all okay?

Ashe Yeah. Yes. Yes.

Steven I think so.

Jess We’ll do this. We’ll come back here. We’ll be okay. Sometimes I
think she deserves this you know? Sometimes I think she completely broke
my heart. Sometimes I don’t.

Jess leaves.

Ashe Dad!

Bernard (off) Coming!

Ashe The car’s here!

Bernard (off) Right. Just. I’m coming.

Steven You okay?

Ashe Yeah.

Steven You do look amazing you know.

Ashe Thank you.

Funny business.

Steven Yeah.

Are you two going to stay here for a while do you think?

Ashe I don’t know. A week or so. Maybe longer. We’ll see how things
work out. When are you and Andy going back?

Steven Tomorrow.

Some time.

Do you think they’ll have funerals in the future?

Ashe I think they probably will, Steven. Yes mate.

Steven Didn’t always though. Did they? They couldn’t always. They just
opened up like a hole.

There’s so many people. There’s no room for all of us is there. They can’t
carry on like this.

They’ll put us all in boxes or something. I don’t know.

Ashe, I’ve never met anybody more amazing than Leighton.

Ashe No.

Steven He absolutely fills my heart up. It’s really mad. Never thought
anybody would do that.

Ashe I know.

Steven I was a fucking idiot.

Ashe Yeah. You were.

Steven I’m sorry.

Ashe I know you are. You’re right to be.

Bernard enters.

Ashe You all right Dad?

Bernard Yes. Yes. Yes. Are we ready?

Ashe (to Steven) Can I just have a moment?

Steven I’ll be in the car. I’ll be playing with Leighton.

He leaves.

Bernard We should.

Ashe I know.

Dad.

Bernard Are you okay love?

Ashe I am yeah. There was something I had to tell you.

Bernard Right.

Ashe I was, it was like a message.

Bernard That sounds very ominous.

Who from?

Ashe I’ve decided not to.

Bernard What?

Ashe I’ve decided not to pass on the message. I think. Sorry. Am I being
peculiar?

Bernard You are a bit love. We’re allowed to be today.

Today we’re allowed to be whatever we want to be. Imagine that.

Ashe Thank you for letting me do a speech.

Bernard That’s okay. I thought Steven would have wanted to. The way
he goes on.

Ashe Yeah. I won’t speak for very long.

Bernard No. Better not to at these things.

Ashe You look very handsome.

Bernard Oh.

He cries. She watches. He stops crying.

Right.

Ashe I’ll be out in a second.

Bernard We can’t be late, love. I’m not entirely sure they wait for us.

Ashe I just need –

He leaves.
Ashe is alone.

She sings a verse from the Hymn of the North.

She practises her speech to herself.

I want to say a few words. I want to say some things about my mum. Thank
you very much for coming this afternoon. I want to say a few words about
Christine. Thank you very much for coming.

The cast sing a refrain of The Hymn of The North.

The light falls.

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 METHUEN DRAMA
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BLOOMSBURY, METHUEN DRAMA and the Methuen Drama logo are trademarks of Bloomsbury
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First published in Great Britain 2019

Copyright © Simon Stephens, 2019

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identified as author of this work.

Cover design: Ben Anslow

Photography © Lee Baxter

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