JOKES

Woman standing nude, looks in bedroom mirror n says 2 her husband I look horrible fat n ugly pay me a compliment, husband replies ur eyesights fuckin spot on. What r the 2 most important holes on a womans body?.....Her nostrils! They allow her 2 breathe while giving a blow job! Camilla says 2 the queen every time a suck Charles cock I get heartburn the queen replies have u tried Andrews? Little jack horner, wanked in the corner, and shot his load in2 his eyes. He called in his mum, and said look what ive done. Oh what a dirty wee bastard I am. Little jack horner wanked in the corner, eating Snow Whites hairy pie, but her muff was too tuff and covered in fluff, so he squirted his cum in his eye. A boy couldnt sleep, so he took his toy soldiers 2 bed. He soon grew bored of playing with his corporals and sergeants. So he played with his privates instead. Mummy, where do new babies come from? Well, ur dad makes whats called sperm & puts it inside me do u swallow it mum? No, thats if u want a new dress! Humpty dumpty sat in bed while little bo peep was giving him head. As soon as he came she started 2 weep, coz then he fucked off n shagged all her sheep!!! A vampire goes in a pub & asks for boiling water. The barman says I thought u drank blood? The vampire pulls out a used tampon & says Im making tea George Michael is organising a collection for frank bruno. George says he knows all about the pressures of being battered around the ring. A Dundee girl takes a dress 2 the cleaners & says Ill pick it up 2morra, the cleaner doesnt hear & says come again, she says nah mayonnaise this time! In the village of herbum herts near tillet town, lives lucy likes who owns the cockwell inn. Her address is: lucy likes the cockwell inn herbum tillet herts! John & Tom were having gay sex. Ive got aids said John. Oh god cried Tom. Only kidding said John, I just love the way you tighten yer arse when I say it. Im helping children in need 2 make the worlds largest pancake on Saturday but we need more help so I thought of you, we are ok for cooks but we need a tosser. COOPE: Im helpin children in need 2 make the worlds largest pancake. But we need more help so I thought of you COOPE, we are ok for cooks but we need a tosser In a recent survey 100 women were asked. After sex does ur cunt want more. 86% said I dunno he usually rolls over a goes 2 sleep. Myra Hindley and a young lad walking across the moor. Fucking scary this is said the boy. Tell me about it says Myra Ive got to walk back on my own! 1

Based on statistics the most used sexual position among married couples is doggy style the husband sits and begs while the wife rolls over and plays dead. The big bad wolf told little red riding hood lift your top so I can suck your tits, no! she said lifting her skirt, eat me like the fuckin book says! MAD COW DISEASE: A cow mates once a year, but is milked about 4x a wk. Now if sum1 played with ur tits 4x a wk and only screwed you once a year u wud go mad 2! A woman goes to hospital for a fanny transplant. But the surgeon cannot start the operation because the replacement cunt is reading this tex! :-p Mary Mary quite contrary, how does your garden grow, you dozy twat, I live in a flat, so how the fuck should I know? A lady walked past a school, heard a group of kids chanting 13 13 13, she looked thru a hole in the fence n got poked in the eyethen the kids chanted 14 14 14 Nike have brought out a training shoe for lesbians called nikes for dykes theyve got a large tongue and you can get them off using just one finger!! Staff at the mental home treating frank bruno say they have no problem with his behaviour, until some twat rang the dinner bell. When is a fairy not a fairy? When she is head down on a pixie, then she is a goblin. A man drives like he makes lovehe never checks to see if anyone else is coming before pulling out!! A white man in delivery room waitin to see his baby. Midwife walks in with a black baby n says is this yours? He replies probably she fuckin burns everythin else We will now upgrade your SEXLIFE, Please wait Searching Searching Still searching ERROR: No SEXLIFE found, sorry! Keep masturbating. Some girls beg n some girls borrow, some girls lead n some girls follow, some bring joy n some bring sorrow, but the best are girls that suck n swallow 2 penises burst into a bank..shouting this is a stick up! just then a vibrator entered the bank and 1 penis said to the other fuck its robocock Went to TOYS-R-US today. Bought a David Blaine doll..cant get the fucker out the box Scientists have discovered a cake that causes men to lose 99% of their sex drive, its called a fuckin wedding cake! Always ultra have just brought out a tampon with tinsel instead of strings, its for the Christmas period 2 dyslexics in a house, one says can u smell gas? Fuck off I cant even smell me own name!!

There was a sailor from Brighton, who said to his bird ur a tight one, she said bless my soul, ur in the wrong hole, theres plenty more room in the right one 2 old ladies at the bingo hall, one asks did u come on the bus reply yes! But I managed to pass it off as an asthma attack Whats the closest thing to a womans period? Your SALARYit comes once a month, lasts 4-5 days & if it doesnt come YOUR FUCKED! All the women in Iraq have shaved their pubic hair off and going on protestTheir placards say read our lipsno more bush Husband my Olympic condoms have arrived. Tonite im going to wear a gold one. Wife - why dont you wear a silver one and come 2nd for a fuckin change?! Definition of a thong! One time you had to pull down a womans knickers to see her arse, nowadays you have to open her arse to see her knickers!! What does a dwarf get if he walks between a womans legs? A flap in the face and a clit round the ear Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic?.....he choked to death on his own vimto Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic?.....he was up all night wondering if there really was a dog A family of 3 prostitutes. Mum charged 60 for a blow job, daughter charged 80 for a blow job, grandma was just glad for a warm drink Middle age woman walks into the living room nude. Husband says y r u naked? she replies this is my love dress! husband replies well go & fucking iron it! Why dont 74 year old women have smear tests?.....have u tried to open a cheese toastie? Girl 2 doc I got a prob, I got 2 lettuce leaves sticking out my cunt. Doc says u do have a big prob there, girl says thats just the tip of the iceberg Whats worse than having Michael Jackson baby sit 4 u? letting ian huntly give them a bath Following the recent capture of Saddam Hussein, officials have confirmed Osama Bin Laden as the worlds hide and seek champion. Eskimo on holiday in Scotland. Car breaks down. Scotsman looks under bonnet and says Youve blown a seal. Eskimo says So what You fuck sheep. Hickory Dickory Dock, Some slut was sucking my cock, Her hair got tangled, The bitch was strangled, But at least she swallowed the lot Why is a Christmas tree better than a man? Its always erect, stays up for 12 days and nights, has cute balls and looks good with the lights on! A strawberry picking competition was won by a woman with no legs..Jammy cunt! Got a new car radio. U shout soul it plays soul. Shout rock it plays rock. Some kids ran in front of my car & I shouted Fuckin kids It played Michael Jackson 3

Christmas is coming the goose is getting fat I dont often send a card to an ugly twat but text is cheap and times are hard so heres your fuckin Christmas card! What was the first thing thing Saddam said when he came out of his hole? Did I beat that cunt David Blaine! New pussy wash for women its made of marijuana antiperspirant and Kentucky fried chicken. It leaves your fanny high dry and finger lickin good De Niro is going to be playing the part of Harold Shipman in a new film called The old dear hunter Mental hospital karaoke final: 3rd place-Rose West Under the Boardwalk! 2nd place- Peter Sutcliffe If I had a hammer! Winner- Harold Shipman Needles & Pins! Blonde goes in2 a computer shop looking 4 curtains 4 her PC. Assistant says u dont need curtains 4 a computer! Blond says Hellooo! Ive got Windows! What has Gareth Gates got in common with Dr Shipman? Neither can finish a sentence! Police have named six of the Morecambe victims. They are: Way Ding, Sin King, Drow Ning, Leff Too Dy, Swim Lo and Ty Dis Hi. Police have solved the mystery at Morecambe. The Chinese were told to stop picking when the water got to knee high. Unfortunately Nee Hi was waiting in the van. Two sharks swimming along, 1 shark says to other r we having fish 4 t 2nite? Other says no lets go Morecambe Bay and have a Chinese. Jordan & Peter Andre r havin sex in the jungle & they hear a noise. Jordan says is that jonny rotten andre answers I fuckin hope not its the only 1 I got! Arthur Scargill has written to Michael Jackson asking if he can visit Neverland as its 10 years since hes seen a minors helmet. Womens PrayerAs u lay me down 2 mate, dont prematurely ejaculate. But if u come b4 I do, I pray your tongue will c me through. Amen 2 gay men in a loo, 1 notices the other s wearing a nicotine patch on his dick & asks does that work? the other replies yeah, im down to 2 puffs a day now! Special offer, shoes for sale! 9 pairs of Chinese winklepickers, not water resistant! Little boy gets lost in Tescos, security guard asks him Whats your mum like? Little boy replies Big cocks & vodka! Man gives blood to save his girlfriend, later they split up & he says gimme the blood back, she throws a used tampon & says Ill pay u monthly ya bastard! Mating call of a cuckoo: cuckoo cuckoo. Mating call of an owl: twit to woo twit to woo. Mating call of a blackbird: go on Leroy give it 2 me up the arse After great sex, she lies stroking his penis. He asks: do u want more sex? She says: no. I was just admiring your dick..I used 2 have one just like it 4

Teacher asks class for a 10 letter word, jonny said masturbate! Oh, said the teacher thats a mouthful, no said jonny ur thinking of blowjob thats 7 Irelands worst air disaster happened yesterday. A single-seater aircraft crashed into a cemetery. So far rescue workers have recovered 600 bodies. Leicester player says to German woman, r u up 4 sex? She replies nein, he said hang on while I get another eight mates! MUZZY said IZZET alrite if I buy u a drink, IAN asked 2 WALKER home, MARCUS BENT her over while PAUL tossed his DICKOV! Sing a song of anal sex arses full of cum 4 n 20 fat cocks forced up ur bum When the orgys ova & ur bum begins 2 sting Wasnt it a bad idea 2 take it up the ring Tradin Standards Officers claim the gollywog on marmalade jars have been removed cos the residences of mosside have been usin them as bus passes. Woman crawling across the floor on all fours with spunk dribbling out both sides of her mouth. What does that tell you?.....Floors level! Jesus walks into a hotel, throws a hammer and 3 nails onto the desk and says can you put me up for the night? Theyve found a cure for gay men. Lipsyl. They rub it round their arse and it keeps the chaps away. Victoria Beckham has claimed she had an affair with Michael Jackson, Jacksons solicitor has denied the claim saying he was in Brooklyn at the time The post office has issued a new stamp with a fanny on it for womans awareness week. It has caused a lot of confusion as men are unsure which side to lick! An ugly bird in the boozer says if u guess my weight u can shag me all night. So he says about 93 stone you fat cunt. She says thats close enough u lucky bastard Im in hospital, think Ive poisoned myself. Used a daffodil bulb in a cheese sandwich instead of an onion..Dont worry Ill be out in the spring! Victoria Beckham has broken the world gang bang record In 120mins her shaven cunt fucked the whole country! After a 9th baby, Irish woman saw a priest I dont know why I get pregnant so often, it must be something in the air? Yes said the priest, your legs! 3 nuns in a convent, a nude ghost appears, waves his cock at them and says hocus pocus. Nun says never mind the hocus, just fuckin pocus! Man Squeezes wifes tit and says if we firm these up we cud get rid of the bra. She squeezes his cock n says if we firm this up we cud get rid of the postman. A blonde bird rings the fire brigade and says, My house is on fire, so they ask her, How do we get there? she says "Hellooo" in the fuckin red truck! 5

3 kids in class, the teacher asks amy "what do cows say? amy replies "moo", she asks tom "what do sheep say? tom replies "baa", the teacher then asks leroy "what do pigs say", leroy replies "whats in the fucking bag nigger" Little Daisy comes home from school & says "Mummy Johnny showed me his willy today, it was like a peanut!" Mum says "You mean small?" Daisy replies"No, salty! A man says to his wife get ready, you, me & the dog are going fishing. Wife says I don't want 2 go. Man gives her 3 choices. Fishing, blow job or take it up the arse. Wife picks blow job. After sucking for a while she says this tastes like shit. Man says I know the dog didn't want to go fishing either. After no dates or sex for 5 yrs a woman goes to see chinese expert sex therapist Dr Chang.He says "take off all your croase,get down & craw reery reery fas to otherside room"she does,"ok craw reery reery fas bac".As she did Dr Chang shook his head."Yr problem vewy vewy bad,worse case Ed Zachery diseas I ever c dat why u get no date".She says "god whats Ed zachery disease" Dr says "its when your face look Ed Zachery rike your arse"! Two muslim woman sat on the park watchin there kids play,1said,ahh, these r the special times,u hav2savour these moments.They blow up so quick nowdays Pacific cruise ship sinks with only 3 survivors, david, darren and daisy. They swim to a small island and live there for a couple of years doing what comes naturally. But daisy feels so bad about having sex with both david and darren, she kills herself. Sad for david and darren, but they get over it and again nature takes it's course. After a couple more years the lads feel really bad about what they are doing......so they bury her! Guy ritchie has said" thats the last time i give madonna my credit card and tell her to treat herself to a little black number" A muslim woman knocked on my door last night, i never opened the door, i just talked through the letter box to see how she fucking likes it. I will find u, i will take u2bed n have my way with u. i will make u shake n sweat until u moan n groan. i wil make u beg me2stop. i wil exhaust u2the point that u wil b relieved wen i finish wit u n i wil leave u weak 4 days. all my love, the flu. x lol Car boot sale at elvington airfield apparently theres bits n pieces of top gear all over Skinny white man goes into lift , stares at huge black man in lift, who say's "b4 u ask 7ft tall 350lbs , 20 inch dick & my balls weigh 3lb each, Turner Brown" White guy faints, when he comes to, asks black man 2 say again, Black man repeats his stats & say's the names "Turner Brown" "Thank fuck 4 that! Thought u said 'TURN AROUND Hhellloo iis tthiis tthhe oownnerr off ttthe sshhoop ttthhatt i ggott ttthe vvibbratttor ffromm?? hhow ddo uu ttturrn ttthe ffucckkinn ttthingg oofff?? 2 black women and their babies on a bus one says is your baby teething yet The other says yes him already got me 2 dvds 4 mobiles and a laptop 2 eggs boiling in a saucepan! 1 female, 1 male! She turns 2 him & says, 'Look, I've got a crack!' He replies, 'No point tellin me, I'm not fuckin hard yet! A jelly baby went to doctors with his willy covered in coconut & liquorice.The doctor said "what have u been up to?" The jelly baby replied "Fuckin allsorts!" 6

A jewish woman says to her mum i'm going to divorce david.he only wants anal sex and my arsehole is the size of a 50pence when it used to be like a 5p! Mum says you have a big house, a porshe, a grand a week allowance and 6 holidays a year,you're going to throw all that away for 45 pence! A chinese couple have become the first of their kind to have an albino baby, just goes to show, two wongs can make a white! Paddy walks past a new pub & sees a sign in the window, Pies 50p, Wanks 10p, he couldn't believe his luck. He goes in & sees a stunnin blonde barmaid & asks her "R u the 1 that gives wanks?" "Yes" she replies. "Well wash yer fuckin hands, i want a pie" An irish woman has just been thrown off who wants to be a millionaire, for masturbating she didn't understand the meaning of fastest finger first. A convict breaks in2a house n ties up the husband n his wife. He jumps on the wife, kisses her ear, then runs to the bathroom. The husband whispers to his wife ''satisfy him, or he'll kill us. I saw the way he kissed u, just b strong, i love u!'' the wife replies ''he didn't kiss me, he whispered in my ear he's gay, horny n looking for vaseline. I told him its in the bathroom. Lets see whos fucking strong now. If u had sex every day 4 a year, kept all 365 condoms, melted them down and made a tyre out of the rubber. What would u call it? answer: A fuckin' Goodyear! Paddy's in bed with the wife. The phone rings at 3am, Paddy answers and listens then says "Why dont u ring the fucking Met Office." Wife asks "Who was that?" Paddy replies "Some silly fucker asking if the coast was clear!!! Two pregnant paddys knitting jumpers.One says ''i hope mine's a boy, im using blue wool''. The other says '' i hope mine's a spastic, ive fucked the arms up''! Blonde walks in2 a shop, curious about a shiny thing. "whats that?" she asks. The assisstant says "its a thermos". "what does it do?" she asks, he says "it keeps hot things hot & cold things cold". She buys one. The next day she takes it 2 work, her boss asks "what is that?" she replies " its a thermos". He asks "what does it do?" she says "it keeps hot things hot & cold things cold". He then asks "what have u got in it?" "2 cups of coffee & an ice pop". 2 blokes at a bucking bronco contest.1 manages 2 stay on 4 10mins.His mate says,"fuck me,how did u manage that?"He says easy,my wife's epileptic! Just a reminder that tomorrow is "Hug a Retard" day. So don't freak out like you did last year, nobody is trying to hurt you! A man with no arms entered a masturbation contest. Poor bastard didn't come anywhere. Man stands naked looking in mirror and says 2 his wife "why do l always get a hard on when l look at myself?" Wife says "cos ur a cunt?" Today is "National Booze & Drugs Day!"You can do your bit by sending a text to a drunk or unstable friend... Well, that's my bit done then! Dear Jonathan Ross i've shagged your daughter! Who's laughing now.. Lots of love, Gary Glitter x 7

Just painted my wellies silver and put them outside ready for tonight.Hopefully the little fuckers won't come knocking if they think Gary Glitter lives here!!! Woman in asda notices a young assistant. He has such a cute arse it makes her randy! She asks him to carry her shopping to her car. On the way she can't hold back any more and says "I've got an itchy pussy". He says "you'll have to point it out love, all these fucking Japanese cars look the same to me. 3 naked men in a sauna: an American, Japanese & Irishman. They hear a beepin sound, the American touches his arm n says 'Thats my pager, I have a microchip under my skin'. Next a phone rings n the Japanese man lifts his palm to his ear, he says 'I have a microchip in my hand'. The Irishman, now feelin very lowtech, goes to the toilet & comes back with loo paper hangin from his arse. He says 'Oh jaysus, would U look at that, I'm gettin a fax!' In 2009 the government wil start killin all mentally challengd people. I startd cryin wen i thought of u. Run, my little retard friend, run!! Wife gets naked & asks hubby: "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?" Hubby looks her up & down and replies: "Your fuckin sense of humour!" Just a reminder that tomorrow is "Hug a Retard" day. So don't freak out like you did last year, nobody is trying to hurt you! Valentines! Flowers 30.Dinner and a film 90.Hotel room afterwards 200 .The look on his face wen you tell him your on your period... FUCKING PRICELESS! I was in Tesco the other day buying Oxo Cubes.They had Chicken,Beef, Lamb, Vegetable and England. ''What's the England one''? I asked the assistant.''That's a new one we've just launched''.She replied. ''It's a Laughing Stock''! The england football team are changing the emblem on their shirts. The 3 Lions will now become three tampons to celebrate their worst fucking period in history! Fuk Ive just won a competition on B97fm for a holiday to greece. I got 2000 in spending money and i can take 5 mates away with me. i know its short notice, but if you're free wed the 12th of june. is there any chance you could put my bin out for me cheers A little boy comes into the kitchen one day and says to his mum "Granny's got a prawn!" The mother says "What on earth do you mean?" The boy takes his mother and shows her Granny, stark naked asleep on the sofa. He points to grandma's protruding clitoris and says, "Granny's got a prawn!" His mother whispers "That's your grandmother's clitoris son!" To which the little boy replies...."Well it tastes like a prawn!" Zebo,a half blind five year old african orphan,has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes.Give just a small donation of two pounds and we'll send you the video,it's fucking hilarious. I'm so pissed off! Someones just crashed into my front wall in one of them new skodas. There's fucking jam and sponge everywhere! Just been 2 the Gym there's a new machine, i only used it for 1/2 an hour but i started 2 feel sick!Its good tho - its got KitKats, Mars Bars, Mini Cheddars everything ... 8