More and more people today are spending large amounts of money on their

complexions in order to look younger. Why do people want to look younger? Do you
think this is a positive or negative development?

In the contemporary era, there is a growing trend that more and more individuals allocate
large amounts of money for their skin tone so as to maintain the beauty of the youth. The
reasons behind this problem will be discussed while the drawbacks will also be presented
hereafter in this essay.

To begin with, there are two fundamental reasons fueling this phenomenon. Firstly, people
are bombarded with advertisements which portray the idea that only youthful appearance
can foster their confidence and self-esteem. Therefore, the beauty industry can easily
introduce their counter-aging process cosmetics to the public through social media such as
Facebook, Instagram, ready to be purchased. Secondly, most people, especially women,
have a sense of inferiority about their appearance. They feel that their physique is not
attractive enough due to wrinkles, two-colored hair, melasma and other signs of aging which
negatively impact on their mental health.

Nonetheless, this alarming problem can exert two main detrimental effects on individuals
who yearn for eternal beauty. One of the primary influences is that the quality of the vast
majority of skincare products which are claimed to bring back the youth is not guaranteed.
An avalanche of procedures may lead to long-term disappointment and frustration owing to
possible failures occurring during the makeup process. In addition, investments in
appearance can result in the ignorance of other essential skills and knowledge. Excessive
expenditure on taking care of the complexion means totally concentrating on how to become
younger. Meanwhile, both work and study performance will be noticeably decreased as all of
the efforts have been used for skincare.

In conclusion, the phenomenon of striving to retain the beauty of youth is attributed to

temptations from media and internal beauty criteria. While mistakes relating to facial skin
deterioration could happen, the decline in academic performance and working productivity is
also involved

Nâng cấp lập luận

Introduction: In the contemporary era, there is a growing trend that more and more
individuals allocate large amounts of money for their skin tone so as to maintain the beauty
of the youth. The reasons behind this problem will be discussed while the drawbacks will
also be presented hereafter in this essay.

Feedback for Introduction:

Clear Answer: The introduction effectively sets up the topic of the essay by acknowledging
the growing trend of spending large amounts of money on skin care to maintain a youthful
appearance. It also hints at the discussion of both the reasons behind this trend and its
drawbacks. However, the phrasing could be improved for clarity and precision.

Relevance: The introduction is relevant to the essay question as it addresses the trend of
spending money on skin care to look younger. It also hints at the discussion of both the
reasons and drawbacks, which aligns with the requirements of the question.

Brief Overview: The introduction could be enhanced by providing a brief overview of the
main points that will be discussed in the essay. For example, it could mention the specific
reasons why people want to look younger and the potential negative impacts of this trend.
This would give the reader a clearer idea of what to expect in the essay.

Improved Introduction: In the contemporary era, there is a significant trend where

individuals are investing substantial amounts of money in their skin care routines to maintain
a youthful appearance. This essay will explore the reasons behind this phenomenon,
including the influence of media and personal self-perception, and will also discuss the
potential drawbacks, such as the risk of disappointment and the diversion of resources from
other essential aspects of life.

Main Point 1: To begin with, there are two fundamental reasons fueling this phenomenon.
Firstly, people are bombarded with advertisements which portray the idea that only youthful
appearance can foster their confidence and self-esteem. Therefore, the beauty industry can
easily introduce their counter-aging process cosmetics to the public through social media
such as Facebook, Instagram, ready to be purchased.

Feedback for Main Point 1:

Argumentative Logic: The argument effectively links the influence of advertisements on

people's desire to look younger with the growth of the beauty industry. It logically explains
how the constant bombardment of youthful beauty standards through social media can drive
consumer demand for anti-aging products.

Overgeneralizations: The statement might slightly overgeneralize the impact of

advertisements on people's self-esteem and confidence. While it's true that advertising can
influence consumer behavior, the extent to which it directly affects self-esteem and
confidence may vary among individuals.

Relevance and Effectiveness of Supporting Ideas: The idea that advertisements drive the
demand for anti-aging products is relevant and supports the main point well. However, the
argument could be strengthened by discussing specific examples of how these
advertisements directly impact consumer behavior or by acknowledging that not all
individuals are equally susceptible to these influences.

Unclear or Ambiguous Expressions: The expression "bombarded with advertisements" is

clear but could be more precise. Specifying the types of advertisements (e.g., print, digital,
social media) and their specific content (e.g., images, testimonials) would enhance clarity.

Unwarranted Assumptions: The argument assumes that all people are equally influenced
by advertisements and that the desire to look younger is a universal goal. This overlooks
individual differences in values and priorities that might not prioritize physical appearance.

Overly Assertive Language: The language used is appropriate for the context, but could be
softened to acknowledge that while many people are influenced by advertisements, others
may not be as affected.

Overall Evaluation: Well Extended and Supported

Suggestions for Improvement:

Detail Specific Advertising Strategies: Provide more details on how advertisements

specifically use youthful beauty standards to promote products. Discuss the psychological
and social factors that make these messages effective.
Introduce Counterpoints or Exceptions: Acknowledge that not all people are influenced
by advertisements equally, and discuss how personal values and cultural backgrounds can
influence consumer behavior.

Clarify and Expand on the Impact: Elaborate on how the constant exposure to youthful
beauty standards affects individuals' self-perception and confidence. Discuss both positive
and negative impacts to provide a more balanced view.

Balance the Argument: Include a discussion on the potential benefits of the beauty
industry, such as the promotion of self-care and the empowerment of individuals to take
control of their appearance. This would provide a more nuanced perspective on the issue.

Improved Main Point 1: In the contemporary era, the beauty industry has significantly
influenced the public's desire to maintain a youthful appearance. This is largely driven by the
widespread exposure to advertisements on social media platforms like Facebook and
Instagram, which often portray youthful beauty as essential for confidence and self-esteem.
These advertisements effectively promote anti-aging products, making them easily
accessible to consumers. This trend reflects a broader societal emphasis on physical
appearance, which can lead to a significant investment in skincare routines and products.

Main Point 2: Secondly, most people, especially women, have a sense of inferiority about
their appearance. They feel that their physique is not attractive enough due to wrinkles, two-
colored hair, melasma and other signs of aging which negatively impact on their mental
health.

Feedback for Main Point 2:

Argumentative Logic: The argument effectively links the desire to look younger with
feelings of inferiority and negative impacts on mental health. It logically connects the
physical signs of aging with emotional and psychological effects, which is a clear and
relevant point in the discussion of the trend towards anti-aging treatments.

Overgeneralizations: The statement might slightly overgeneralize the impact of physical

appearance on mental health. While it's true that many people may experience negative self-
perception due to aging, not all individuals are equally affected. Acknowledging this
variability would provide a more nuanced view.

Relevance and Effectiveness of Supporting Ideas: The supporting ideas are relevant and
effectively illustrate the psychological impact of aging on individuals. However, the argument
could be strengthened by discussing how these feelings of inferiority might lead to broader
societal issues, such as reduced self-esteem or increased stress.

Unclear or Ambiguous Expressions: The expression "two-colored hair" is somewhat

ambiguous and could be clarified. It's likely referring to graying or multi-tonal hair, which is a
common sign of aging. Clarifying this term would enhance clarity.

Unwarranted Assumptions: The argument assumes that all individuals who experience
these physical signs of aging will necessarily feel inferior or negatively impacted. This
overlooks the diversity in how people perceive and cope with aging.

Overly Assertive Language: The language used is appropriately assertive for the context,
but could benefit from qualifiers to acknowledge that these are common experiences rather
than universal ones.

Overall Evaluation: Extended and Supported but Over-Generalized

Suggestions for Improvement:

Detail the Psychological Impact: Expand on how these physical signs of aging specifically
contribute to feelings of inferiority and mental health issues. Discuss potential coping
mechanisms or societal factors that might influence these perceptions.

Introduce a Broader Perspective: Consider discussing how societal beauty standards and
media portrayals contribute to these feelings of inferiority. This would provide a more
comprehensive understanding of the issue.

Clarify and Specify Terms: Use more precise language to describe physical signs of aging,
such as "graying hair" or "melasma," to avoid ambiguity.

Balance the Argument: Acknowledge that not all individuals are equally affected by these
physical signs, and discuss how some might view aging as a natural part of life or even a
positive aspect of personal growth.

Improved Main Point 2: In the contemporary era, many individuals, particularly women,
experience feelings of inadequacy about their physical appearance due to signs of aging
such as wrinkles, graying hair, and melasma. These physical changes can significantly
impact their mental well-being, leading to a desire to maintain a youthful appearance. This
trend reflects a broader societal emphasis on physical beauty, which can result in significant
investments in skincare and anti-aging treatments. While these efforts may alleviate some of
the negative self-perceptions associated with aging, they also divert attention and resources
away from other important aspects of life, such as personal growth and professional
development.

Main Point 3: Nonetheless, this alarming problem can exert two main detrimental effects on
individuals who yearn for eternal beauty. One of the primary influences is that the quality of
the vast majority of skincare products which are claimed to bring back the youth is not
guaranteed. An avalanche of procedures may lead to long-term disappointment and
frustration owing to possible failures occurring during the makeup process. In addition,
investments in appearance can result in the ignorance of other essential skills and
knowledge. Excessive expenditure on taking care of the complexion means totally
concentrating on how to become younger. Meanwhile, both work and study performance will
be noticeably decreased as all of the efforts have been used for skincare.

Feedback for Main Point 3:

Argumentative Logic: The argument effectively highlights the potential drawbacks of

excessive spending on skincare, linking it to disappointment, frustration, and a diversion of
resources from other essential aspects of life. The logical flow from the quality of skincare
products to the broader impact on personal and professional life is clear and well-structured.

Overgeneralizations: The statement that the quality of most skincare products is not
guaranteed could be seen as an overgeneralization. While it's true that some products may
not deliver as promised, many reputable brands offer effective and safe products.
Acknowledging this variability would provide a more balanced view.

Relevance and Effectiveness of Supporting Ideas: The supporting ideas are relevant and
effectively illustrate the negative consequences of excessive spending on skincare.
However, the argument could be strengthened by discussing specific examples or scenarios
where these consequences have occurred, making the points more tangible and relatable.
Unclear or Ambiguous Expressions: The expression "an avalanche of procedures" is
somewhat dramatic and could be clarified. Specifying what types of procedures are referred
to (e.g., chemical peels, laser treatments) would enhance clarity.

Unwarranted Assumptions: The argument assumes that all individuals who invest heavily
in skincare will experience significant decreases in work and study performance. This
overlooks the possibility that some individuals may manage their time effectively and
maintain their productivity despite their skincare routines.

Overly Assertive Language: The language used is somewhat assertive, which could be
softened to reflect the variability in individual experiences. Phrases like "may lead to" or "can
result in" would provide a more nuanced and less definitive tone.

Overall Evaluation: Extended and Supported but Over-Generalized

Suggestions for Improvement:

Detail Specific Consequences: Expand on the specific ways in which excessive skincare
spending can lead to decreased performance in work and study. For example, discuss how
the time spent on skincare might interfere with other important activities or how the financial
burden might impact other aspects of life.

Introduce Counterpoints or Exceptions: Acknowledge that not all skincare products are
ineffective, and some may indeed deliver positive results. Discussing the benefits of well-
managed skincare routines could provide a more balanced perspective.

Clarify and Specify Terms: Use more precise language to describe the types of procedures
and the potential outcomes. This will help readers understand the specific risks and
challenges associated with these practices.

Balance the Argument: Include a discussion on how individuals can manage their skincare
routines effectively, balancing their time and resources to avoid the negative consequences
mentioned. This would provide a more comprehensive and practical approach to the issue.

Improved Main Point 3: While the desire to maintain a youthful appearance is

understandable, it can have significant drawbacks. Many skincare products claiming to
reverse aging processes may not deliver as promised, leading to disappointment and
frustration. This can result in a diversion of resources from other essential aspects of life,
such as work and study, as individuals focus primarily on their appearance. This excessive
spending on skincare can not only impact personal and professional performance but also
lead to a neglect of other important skills and knowledge. Therefore, it is crucial to consider
the potential consequences of investing heavily in skincare, ensuring that it does not
compromise other areas of life.

Conclusion: In conclusion, the phenomenon of striving to retain the beauty of youth is

attributed to temptations from media and internal beauty criteria. While mistakes relating to
facial skin deterioration could happen, the decline in academic performance and working
productivity is also involved

Feedback for Conclusion:

Clear Answer: The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points discussed in the
essay, highlighting the reasons behind the trend of spending large amounts on skincare and
the potential drawbacks associated with it. It clearly states the causes and effects of this
phenomenon, which is a good practice for an IELTS conclusion.
Relevance: The conclusion is relevant to the essay question as it addresses the reasons
why people want to look younger and whether this is a positive or negative development.
However, it could be improved by explicitly stating whether the author believes this trend is
positive or negative, as the question asks for an opinion. Additionally, the conclusion could
benefit from a more concise and direct statement of the author's stance, which would
enhance its impact and answer the question more directly.

Improved Conclusion: In conclusion, the trend of spending large amounts on skincare to

maintain a youthful appearance is driven by media influences and internal beauty standards.
While this pursuit can lead to facial skin deterioration, it also compromises academic and
professional performance. This development raises concerns about the prioritization of
physical appearance over other essential aspects of life.

Task Response
Band Score for Task Response: 7

Answer All Parts of the Question:

Detailed explanation: The essay addresses both parts of the prompt by discussing the
reasons why people want to look younger and presenting some drawbacks of this trend. The
first paragraph outlines the reasons, such as societal pressures from advertisements and
personal insecurities. The second paragraph discusses the negative effects, including the
potential ineffectiveness of skincare products and the neglect of other important skills.
However, the essay could benefit from a more explicit connection to the second part of the
question regarding whether this trend is positive or negative.

How to improve: To enhance the response, the writer should clearly state their opinion on
whether this trend is positive or negative in the introduction and reinforce this stance in the
conclusion. This could involve explicitly labeling the trend as negative and summarizing the
reasons why in the conclusion.

Present a Clear Position Throughout:

Detailed explanation: The essay presents a position that the trend of spending on skincare
is problematic, but this stance is not consistently reinforced throughout. While the reasons
for wanting to look younger are well articulated, the conclusion does not strongly affirm the
negative implications of this trend, which may leave the reader unclear about the writer's
overall position.

How to improve: The writer should ensure that their position is clearly stated in the
introduction and reiterated throughout the essay. Using phrases like "I believe" or "In my
opinion" can help clarify the writer's stance. Additionally, summarizing the negative impacts
in a more decisive manner in the conclusion would strengthen the overall position.

Present, Extend, and Support Ideas:

Detailed explanation: The essay presents several relevant ideas, such as the influence of
advertisements and the psychological impact of aging on self-esteem. However, some points
could be further developed. For instance, the discussion on the ineffectiveness of skincare
products could include specific examples or statistics to provide more depth and support.

How to improve: To improve the development of ideas, the writer should aim to elaborate
on key points with examples, anecdotes, or data. This could involve discussing specific
types of products that are marketed as anti-aging or citing studies that show the
psychological effects of aging on individuals.

Stay on Topic:

Detailed explanation: Overall, the essay remains focused on the topic of why people want
to look younger and the implications of this desire. However, there are moments where the
discussion could be more tightly aligned with the prompt. For instance, the mention of
"academic performance and working productivity" feels somewhat disconnected from the
main theme of appearance and self-esteem.

How to improve: To maintain focus, the writer should ensure that all points made directly
relate back to the central theme of the essay. This can be achieved by linking each
argument back to the overarching question of the societal implications of the desire to look
younger, ensuring that every point made contributes to answering the prompt.

In summary, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of the topic and presents
relevant ideas, it would benefit from clearer positioning, more extensive support for
arguments, and tighter adherence to the prompt throughout.

Coherence & Cohesion

Band Score for Coherence and Cohesion: 7

Organize Information Logically:

Detailed explanation: The essay presents a clear structure, beginning with an introduction
that outlines the topic and the main points to be discussed. The body paragraphs are
organized around two main ideas: the reasons why people desire to look younger and the
negative consequences of this trend. However, the transition between the reasons and the
effects could be smoother. For instance, the shift from discussing societal pressures to the
consequences of excessive spending feels abrupt, which can disrupt the logical flow.

How to improve: To enhance logical organization, consider using transitional phrases that
explicitly connect ideas. For example, after discussing the reasons for wanting to look
younger, a sentence like "These motivations not only drive individuals to invest in their
appearance but also lead to significant consequences" could provide a clearer link to the
following paragraph.

Use Paragraphs:

Detailed explanation: The essay effectively uses paragraphs to separate different ideas,
with each paragraph focusing on a specific aspect of the topic. The introduction sets the
stage, while the body paragraphs delve into reasons and consequences. However, the
conclusion could be more distinct and reflective of the main arguments presented, as it
currently feels like a summary rather than a synthesis of the discussed points.

How to improve: To improve paragraphing, ensure that the conclusion not only summarizes
but also reflects on the implications of the arguments made. Consider rephrasing the
conclusion to emphasize the broader societal impact of the desire to look younger, rather
than merely restating the points.

Use a Range of Cohesive Devices:

Detailed explanation: The essay employs some cohesive devices, such as "Firstly,"
"Secondly," and "Nonetheless," which help to structure the argument. However, the range of
cohesive devices is somewhat limited, and there are instances where the connections
between sentences could be strengthened. For example, the use of "therefore" is effective,
but more varied devices could enhance the overall cohesiveness of the essay.

How to improve: To diversify the use of cohesive devices, incorporate a wider range of
linking words and phrases. For instance, instead of relying solely on "Firstly" and "Secondly,"
consider using "In addition," "Moreover," or "Conversely" to introduce new ideas or
counterarguments. Additionally, using pronouns or synonyms to refer back to previously
mentioned concepts can help maintain cohesion throughout the essay.

Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid understanding of coherence and cohesion,
enhancing transitions, refining paragraph structure, and diversifying cohesive devices will
contribute to a more polished and cohesive argument.

Lexical Resource
Band Score for Lexical Resource: 6

Use a Wide Range of Vocabulary:

Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a moderate range of vocabulary, with

phrases such as "allocate large amounts of money," "counter-aging process cosmetics," and
"sense of inferiority." However, there are instances of repetition and limited variation in word
choice, particularly with terms related to beauty and aging. For example, "youthful
appearance" and "eternal beauty" are used, but synonyms or more varied expressions could
enhance the richness of the vocabulary.

How to improve: To improve, the writer should aim to incorporate a broader range of
synonyms and expressions. For instance, instead of repeatedly using "youth" and "beauty,"
alternatives like "vitality," "aesthetic appeal," or "youthfulness" could be employed.
Additionally, using more specific terms related to the beauty industry, such as
"dermatological treatments" or "aesthetic procedures," could enhance the essay's lexical
variety.

Use Vocabulary Precisely:

Detailed explanation: While the essay generally conveys its intended meaning, there are
instances where vocabulary is used imprecisely. For example, the phrase "two-colored hair"
is unclear and could be more accurately described as "dyed hair" or "hair with multiple
colors." Additionally, "the quality of the vast majority of skincare products which are claimed
to bring back the youth is not guaranteed" could be simplified to "the effectiveness of many
skincare products claiming to reverse aging is often questionable."

How to improve: To enhance precision, the writer should focus on using vocabulary that
accurately reflects the intended meaning. This could involve replacing vague terms with
more specific descriptors. For example, instead of "the beauty industry can easily introduce
their counter-aging process cosmetics," the writer could say, "the beauty industry frequently
markets anti-aging products." This not only clarifies the message but also demonstrates a
stronger command of vocabulary.

Use Correct Spelling:

Detailed explanation: The essay contains a few spelling errors, such as "melasma" (which
is correct) but may confuse readers if not contextualized properly. The phrase "the quality of
the vast majority of skincare products which are claimed to bring back the youth is not
guaranteed" is lengthy and could lead to misinterpretation if not punctuated correctly. The
overall spelling is generally accurate, but the complexity of some phrases may obscure
clarity.

How to improve: To enhance spelling accuracy, the writer should practice proofreading
their work for common spelling errors and ensure that complex phrases are broken down for
clarity. Utilizing tools like spell checkers or grammar checkers can also help identify any
overlooked mistakes. Additionally, reading the essay aloud can assist in catching any
awkward phrasing or potential spelling issues.

In summary, while the essay meets the criteria for a Band 6 in Lexical Resource, there are
clear areas for improvement. By expanding vocabulary range, using more precise language,
and ensuring spelling accuracy, the writer can enhance their score in this criterion.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy

Band Score for Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 7

Use a Wide Range of Structures:

Detailed explanation: The essay demonstrates a good variety of sentence structures,

including complex sentences and some compound sentences. For example, phrases like
"the reasons behind this problem will be discussed while the drawbacks will also be
presented hereafter in this essay" show an attempt to connect ideas effectively. However,
there are instances of repetitive structures, such as starting multiple sentences with "there
are" or "people," which can limit the overall range.

How to improve: To diversify sentence structures, consider using more varied introductory
phrases or clauses. For instance, instead of starting with "To begin with," you could use
"Initially," or "Firstly," to introduce your points. Additionally, incorporating more subordinate
clauses can enhance complexity, such as "Although many people invest in skincare, they
often overlook the importance of mental health."

Use Grammar and Punctuation Accurately:

Detailed explanation: The essay generally maintains a good level of grammatical accuracy,
but there are some errors that detract from clarity. For example, the phrase "allocate large
amounts of money for their skin tone" should be "on their skin care" to better convey the
intended meaning. Additionally, the sentence "the beauty industry can easily introduce their
counter-aging process cosmetics to the public through social media such as Facebook,
Instagram, ready to be purchased" is awkwardly constructed and could benefit from clearer
punctuation and structure.

How to improve: To enhance grammatical accuracy, focus on subject-verb agreement and

the correct use of prepositions. Regularly reviewing common grammatical rules can help.
For punctuation, ensure that clauses are properly separated, and consider breaking up
longer sentences into shorter, clearer ones. For example, the sentence mentioned above
could be revised to: "The beauty industry can easily promote their anti-aging cosmetics
through social media platforms like Facebook and Instagram, making them readily available
for purchase."
Overall, while the essay demonstrates a solid grasp of grammatical range and accuracy,
focusing on diversifying sentence structures and refining grammatical precision will help
elevate the score further.

Bài chữa tham khảo

In the contemporary era, there is a growing trend where more and more individuals allocate
significant funds to enhance their skin tone in order to maintain a youthful appearance. The
reasons behind this phenomenon will be discussed, and the drawbacks will be presented
subsequently in this essay.

To begin with, there are two fundamental reasons fueling this trend. Firstly, people are
exposed to numerous advertisements that portray the idea that only a youthful appearance
can foster confidence and self-esteem. Consequently, the beauty industry can easily
promote their anti-aging cosmetic products to the public through social media platforms such
as Facebook and Instagram, making them readily available for purchase. Secondly, many
individuals, especially women, experience a sense of inferiority regarding their appearance.
They feel that their looks are not attractive enough due to wrinkles, bipartite hair, melasma,
and other signs of aging, which can negatively affect their mental health.

Nonetheless, this alarming trend can exert two main detrimental effects on individuals who
yearn for eternal beauty. One of the primary concerns is that the quality of most skincare
products, which are claimed to restore youth, is not guaranteed. A multitude of procedures
may lead to long-term disappointment and frustration due to potential errors in facial skin
care that could occur during the application process. In addition, investments in appearance
can result in the neglect of other essential skills and knowledge. Excessive expenditure on
maintaining a youthful appearance means completely focusing on how to look younger.
Meanwhile, both academic performance and productivity at work may decline as all efforts
are directed towards skincare.

In conclusion, the phenomenon of striving to retain the beauty of youth is attributed to

temptations from the media and internal beauty standards. While errors related to facial skin
care could happen, the decline in academic performance and work productivity is also a
significant concern.