TIME : The twenty-fifth century

PLACE : The Museum of Ancient History: Department of the Twentieth

Century on the Planet Earth
Characters:
Historian: A quirky guide in the museum.
Think-Tank: A boastful Martian leader with a balloon head.
Apprentice Noodle: The naive yet clever Martian.
Captain Omega: A witty Martian who avoids work.
Lieutenant Iota: A practical Martian with a flair for sarcasm.
Sergeant Oop: The unfortunate Martian tasked with the dirty work.

BEFORE RISE : Spotlight shines on Historian, who is sitting at a table down

right, on which is a movie projector. A sign on an easel beside her reads:
Museum of Ancient History: Department of the Twentieth Century. She
stands and bows to audience
Scene 1: The Museum of Ancient History
(The Historian steps forward, addressing the audience.)
Historian: Welcome, time travelers! Today, we journey back to 2040,
when a book saved Earth from a Martian invasion. Let’s meet our
extraterrestrial friends!
(Lights dim as the scene shifts to the Martian spacecraft.)

Scene 2: Martian Spacecraft

(Think-Tank stands at the helm, puffing with pride.)
Think-Tank: (proudly) Attention, crew! We’re off to invade Earth! Look at
my enormous head—clearly, I’m the most intelligent Martian here!
Captain Omega: (smirking) Oh yes, because size equals smarts, right?
Lieutenant Iota: (rolling eyes) And what’s our brilliant plan, oh Mighty
Think-Tank?
NOODLE : (bowing) O Great and Mighty Think-Tank, most powerful and
intelligent creature in the whole universe, what are your orders?
THINK-TANK : (peevishly) You left out part of my salutation, Apprentice
Noodle. Go over the whole thing again.
 NOODLE : It shall be done, sir. (in a singsong) O Great and Mighty Think-
Tank, Ruler of Mars and her two moons, most powerful and intelligent
creature in the whole universe — (out of breath) what-are-your-orders?
THINK-TANK : That’s better, Noodle
Think-Tank: (booming voice) Crew! We shall conquer Earth! Prepare the
probe!
(The crew members, Noodle, Oop, and Omega, scramble around.)
Noodle: What if they resist?
Think-Tank: Resist? Earthlings? Ha! They’ll tremble before my genius!
NOODLE :(AGAIN WITH A DOUBT) Earth, your Intelligence.
THINK-TANK : Earth — of course. You see how insignificant the place is?
But first, something important. My mirror. I wish to consult my mirror
NOODLE : It shall be done, sir. (He hands Think-Tank a mirror.
THINK-TANK : Mirror, mirror, in my hand. Who is the most fantastically
intellectually gifted being in the land?
OFFSTAGE VOICE : (after a pause) You, sir.
THINK-TANK : (smacking mirror) Quicker. Answer quicker next time. I hate
a slow mirror. (He admires himself in the mirror.) Ah, there I am. Are we
Martians not a handsome race? So much more attractive than those ugly
Earthlings with their tiny heads. Noodle, you keep on exercising your
mind, and someday you’ll have a balloon brain just like mine
. NOODLE : Oh, I hope so, Mighty Think-Tank. I hope so
THINK-TANK : Now, contact the space probe.
Scene 3: The Library
(The crew appears on stage, staring at the stacks of books in confusion.)
Oop: What are these strange structures?
NOODLE : (speaking into a microphone) Mars Space Control calling the
crew of Probe One. Mars Space Control calling the crew of Probe One.
Come in, Captain Omega, and give us your location.
OMEGA Have you any idea where we are, Lieutenant Iota
IOTA : I can’t figure it out, Captain. (holding up a book)
OOP : I haven’t a clue. I’ve been to seven galaxies, but I’ve never seen
anything like this. Maybe they’re hats. (He opens a book and puts it on his
head.)
THINK-TANK : Elementary, my dear Omega. Hold one of the items up so
that I may view it closely. (Omega holds a book on the palm of her hand.)
Yes, yes, I understand now. Since Earth creatures are always eating, the
place in which you find yourselves is undoubtedly a crude refreshment
stand
OMEGA : (to Iota and Oop) He says we’re in a refreshment stand.
OOP : Well, the Earthlings certainly have a strange diet.
Think-Tank: (smugly) No, no! They are sandwiches!
Apprentice Noodle: (confused) Sandwiches? Where’s the mustard?
Captain Omega: (grinning) Time to feast! Oop, you’re up!
OOP : (taking book from his head) A sandwich
Sergeant Oop: (groaning) Wait, I didn’t sign up for this!
(Sergeant Oop reluctantly nibbles on a book.)
Sergeant Oop: (grimacing) This isn’t a sandwich! Tastes like... words!
THINK-TANK : Do you doubt the Mighty Think-Tank
OMEGA : Oh, no, no. But poor Lieutenant Iota has not had her breakfast.
Lieutenant Iota, I order you to eat this — this sandwich.
IOTA : (dubiously) Eat it? Oh, Captain! It’s a very great honour to be the
first Martian to eat a sandwich, I’m sure, but — but how can I be so
impolite as to eat before my Sergeant? (handing Oop the book and saying
brightly) Sergeant Oop, I order you to eat the sandwich immediately.
OOP : (making a face) Who, Lieutenant? Me, Lieutenant?
IOTA and OMEGA : (saluting) For the glory of Mars, Oop! OOP : Yes, of
course! (unhappily) Immediately. (He opens his mouth wide. Omega and
Iota watch him breathlessly. He bites down on a corner of the book, and
pantomimes chewing and swallowing, while making terrible faces.)
OMEGA : Well, Oop?
IOTA : Well, Oop? (Oop coughs. Omega and Iota pound him on the back.)
THINK-TANK : Was it not delicious, Sergeant Oop?
OOP : (saluting) That is correct, sir. It was not delicious.
Noodle: (exasperated) Stop! They aren’t food! They’re for communication!
THINK-TANK : (haughtily) Naturally. That was my next point. These are
actually communication sandwiches. Think-Tank is never wrong. Who is
never wrong
ALL : (saluting) Great and Mighty Think-Tank is never wrong
THINK-TANK : Therefore, I order you to listen to them
OMEGA : Listen to them?
IOTA AND OOP : (to each other, puzzled) Listen to them?
THINK-TANK : Do you have marbles in your ears? I said, listen to them.
(Martians bow very low.) OMEGA : It shall be done, sir. (They each take two
books from the case, and hold them to their ears, listening intently.)
IOTA : (whispering to Omega) Do you hear anything?
OMEGA : (whispering back) Nothing. Do you hear anything, Oop?
OOP : (loudly) Not a thing! (Omega and Iota jump in fright.)
OMEGA AND IOTA : Sh-h-h! (They listen intently again.)
THINK-TANK : Well? Well? Report to me. What do you hear?
OMEGA : Nothing, sir. Perhaps we are not on the correct frequency .
Maybe these sandwiches don’t make sounds
THINK-TANK : What? Does somebody suggest the Mighty Think-Tank has
made a mistake?
OMEGA : Oh, no, sir; no, sir. We’ll keep listening.
Scene 4: Confusion and Revelation
Apprentice Noodle: (brightening) Maybe they’re for communication with
our eyes!
Think-Tank: Brilliant! Open the book!
(They open a book titled Mother Goose.)
OMEGA : It appears to contain pictures of Earthlings.
(They all gather around Omega, who opens "Mother Goose.")
IOTA : There seems to be some sort of code.
THINK-TANK : (sharply interested) Code? I told you this was important.
Describe the code.
THINK-TANK; We must break the code
Noodle: (excited) Maybe the chemical department gave us vitamins to
boost intelligence!
(They pretend to take vitamins, acting silly.)
THINK-TANK : Excellent. Now, decipher that code
. ALL : It shall be done, sir. (They frown over the book, turning pages.)
OMEGA : (brightly) Aha!
IOTA : (brightly) Oho! OOP : (bursting into laughter) Ha, ha, ha.
THINK-TANK : What does it say? Tell me this instant. Transcribe, Omega.
OMEGA : Yes, sir. (She reads with great seriousness.)
Mistress Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
With cockle shells and silver bells
And pretty maids all in a row.
OOP : Ha, ha, ha. Imagine that. Pretty maids growing in a garden.
THINK-TANK : (alarmed) Stop! This is no time for levity. Don’t you realise
the seriousness of this discovery? The Earthlings have discovered how to
combine agriculture and mining.They can grow high explosives, too
THINK-TANK; Iota, transcribe
IOTA : Yes, sir. (She reads very gravely.)
Hey diddle diddle!
The cat and the fiddle
, The cow jumped over the moon,
The little dog laughed to see such sport,
And the dish ran away with the spoon.
OOP : (laughing) The dish ran away with the spoon!
THINK-TANK : Cease laughter. Desist. This is more and more alarming. The
Earthlings have reached a high level of civilisation. Didn’t you hear? They
have taught their domesticated animals musical culture and space
techniques. Even their dogs have a sense of humour No invasion today
Oop, transcribe the next code.
OOP : Yes, sir. (reading)
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall;
All the King’s horses and all the King’s men
, Cannot put Humpty Dumpty together again.
Oh, look, sir. Here’s a picture of Humpty Dumpty. Why, sir, he looks like —
he looks like — (turns large picture of Humpty Dumpty towards Think-Tank
and the audience)
THINK-TANK : (screaming and holding his head) It’s me! It’s my Great and
Mighty Balloon Brain. The Earthlings have seen me, and they’re after me.
“Had a great fall!” — That means they plan to capture Mars Central
Control and me! It’s an invasion of Mars! Noodle, prepare prepare prepare
OOP: maggi sir
THINK-TANK: nooo a space capsule for me. I must escape without delay.
Space people, you must leave Earth at once, but be sure to remove all
traces of your visit. The Earthlings must not know that I know. (Omega,
Iota, and Oop rush about, putting books back on shelves.
Noodle: But we haven’t even invaded yet!
Think-Tank: (frantically) I’d rather flee to Alpha Centauri than face these
Earthlings!
(They scramble around the stage, grabbing imaginary equipment.)
Scene 5: Return to the Present
(Lights fade back to the Historian in the museum.)
Historian: And so, the mighty Martians fled, thinking Earthlings were
advanced and terrifying! Today, we are friends, sharing knowledge in a
library on Mars! (She gestures to a large picture of the library in
Marsopolis.
We taught them how to read, and we established a model library in their
capital city of Marsopolis. But as you might expect, there is still one book
that the Martians can never bring themselves to read. You’ve guessed it —
Mother Goose!

Historian: Remember, knowledge is the true weapon against fear!

(The cast joins her on stage, bowing.)
Finale:
Think-Tank: (muttering) I still think they were sandwiches...
Noodle: (laughing) Maybe we should have asked for a recipe!
Think-Tank: (with mock bravado) Right! Gather the ingredients! We’ll whip
up a literary feast!
(All characters laugh as they take their bows.)

End of Play