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w24 May pp. 26-31 How to Have a Successful Courtship

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How to Have a Successful Courtship

STUDY ARTICLE 22 26
The Watchtower Announcing Jehovah’s
Kingdom (Study)—2024
SONG 127 The Sort of Person I Should Be
Subheadings Similar Material

THE PURPOSE OF COURTSHIP

How to Have a Successful Courtship

“The secret person of the heart . . . is of great value.”—1 PET. 3:4.

GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER WELL

OTHER FACTORS TO CONSIDER FOCUS

What couples can do to have a successful courtship, and how others in the
congregation can support them.
HOW CAN OTHERS SUPPORT COURTING COUPLES?

1-2. How do some feel about courtship?

COURTSHIP can be a joyful, exciting time. If you are currently in a courtship,

no doubt you want it to go well. And for many couples, it does. Tsion, * a sister
from Ethiopia, says: “One of the happiest times of my life was when my
husband and I dated. We had serious discussions, and we also laughed. I was
happy when I realized that I had found someone I love and who loves me.”

2 However, Alessio, a brother from the Netherlands, says, “It was enjoyable to
get to know my wife when we were dating, but our courtship also had
challenges.” In this article, we will discuss some potential challenges and some
Bible principles that can help couples to have a successful courtship. We will
also consider how others in the congregation can support courting couples.

THE PURPOSE OF COURTSHIP

3. What is the purpose of courtship? (Proverbs 20:25)

3 Although courtship can be enjoyable, it is also a serious step that may lead
to marriage. On their wedding day, a couple vow before Jehovah to love and
respect each other for as long as they both live. Before making any vow, we
should consider the matter very carefully. (Read Proverbs 20:25.) That is
certainly true of the marriage vow. Courtship allows a couple to get to know
each other and to make a good decision. Sometimes that decision is to get
married; sometimes that decision is to end the courtship. If a couple break 27

up, this does not mean that their courtship failed. Instead, the courtship
served its purpose—it helped them come to a good decision.

4. Why should we have the right view of courtship?

4 Why is it important to have the right view of courtship? When single people
have the proper viewpoint, they will not date someone they have no intention
of marrying. Single people, however, are not the only ones who need to have
the right perspective. All of us should develop it. For example, some think that
if a couple are dating, they must get married. How does this attitude affect
single Christians? Melissa, a single sister in the United States, says: “There is a
lot of pressure on Witnesses who are dating. As a result, some courting
couples avoid ending a relationship that is not working. Other single ones
avoid dating altogether. The pressure can be overwhelming.”

GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER WELL

5-6. What should a courting couple strive to learn about each other? (1 Peter 3:4)

5 If you are in a courtship, what will help you decide whether to get married or
not? Get to know each other well. You likely learned some things about the
other person before you began dating. But now you have the opportunity to
get to know “the secret person of the heart.” (Read 1 Peter 3:4.) This involves
learning more about your prospective mate’s spirituality, personality, and
thinking. Over time, you should be able to answer such questions as: ‘Will this
person be a good marriage mate for me?’ (Prov. 31:26, 27, 30; Eph. 5:33; 1 Tim.
5:8) ‘Can we fulfill each other’s emotional needs? Can we live with each other’s
shortcomings?’ b (Rom. 3:23) As you get to know each other, remember:
Compatibility is largely determined, not by how similar you are, but by how
adaptable you are to each other’s differences.

6 28
What other matters should you learn about the other person during
courtship? Before you become too emotionally involved, you may want to
discuss some important matters, such as the other person’s goals. But what
about such personal matters as health issues, financial problems, or past
trauma? Not all topics need to be discussed at the beginning of the courtship.
(Compare John 16:12.) If you feel that it is too soon to answer some
particularly personal questions, let the other person know. Nevertheless, in
time your prospective mate will need to know this information in order to
make a balanced decision. So at some point, you will have to open up.

7. How can a courting couple get to know each other? (See also the box “Long-Distance
Courtships.”) (See also pictures.)

7
How can you get to know what the other person is like deep inside? One of
the best ways is to talk openly and honestly, to ask questions and really listen.
(Prov. 20:5; Jas. 1:19) To that end, you may find it helpful to engage in activities
that lend themselves to conversation, such as eating together, taking walks
together in public areas, and preaching together. You can also learn about
each other when you spend time with friends and family. Additionally, plan
activities that will show you how the other person acts in different
circumstances and with different people. Note what Aschwin, from the
Netherlands, tried to do. He says about his courtship with Alicia: “We looked
for activities that would help us learn about each other. Often these were
simple things, such as preparing a meal together or doing chores together.
During such activities, we saw each other’s strengths and weaknesses.”

If as a couple you engage in activities that lend themselves to conversation, you are likely to
get to know each other better (See paragraphs 7-8)

Long-Distance Courtships

If you are in a long-distance relationship, you can apply many of the

suggestions in this article virtually or by phone. You can still focus on
talking and listening to each other. Nevertheless, it may be difficult to
learn some things about each other without spending time together
in person. So visit each other when possible. You will also have
additional factors to consider. For example: Are you willing and able to
move and possibly adapt to another culture or language? Can you
handle the expenses of traveling to see each other during courtship
and to visit the other person’s family and friends even afterward?—
Luke 14:28.

8. How may a courting couple benefit by studying together?

8 You can also get to know each other by studying spiritual topics together. If
you get married, you will need to make time for family worship, so that God is
an essential part of your marriage. (Eccl. 4:12) So why not schedule time to
study together now, during your courtship? Of course, a courting couple are 29
not a family yet, and the brother is not the sister’s head yet. Nevertheless, by
studying together regularly, you can learn about each other’s spirituality. Max
and Laysa, a couple from the United States, found another benefit. He says:
“Early in our courtship, we started studying publications on the subjects of
dating, marriage, and family life. Those publications opened the door to
conversations on many important matters that would not have come up
naturally.”

OTHER FACTORS TO CONSIDER

9. What factors should a courting couple consider when deciding whom to tell about their
courtship?

9Whom should you tell about your courtship? That is for you to decide as a
couple. Early in the relationship, you may consider limiting the number of
people you tell. (Prov. 17:27) By doing so, you may avoid unnecessary pressure
and questions. However, if you do not tell anyone, you might end up isolating
yourselves for fear that others will find out. This can be dangerous. So it would
be wise at least to inform those who can provide good advice and practical
assistance. (Prov. 15:22) For example, you could tell certain family members,
mature friends, or Christian elders.

10. What can a couple do to keep their courtship honorable? (Proverbs 22:3)

10 How can you keep your courtship honorable? As your feelings grow, you will
naturally feel more attracted to each other. What can help you to keep
yourselves morally clean? (1 Cor. 6:18) Avoid immoral conversations, being
alone together, and heavy drinking. (Eph. 5:3) These things can arouse passion
and weaken your resolve to do what is right. Why not regularly discuss
together what measures you can take to keep your courtship honorable?
(Read Proverbs 22:3.) Note what helped Dawit and Almaz from Ethiopia. They
say: “We would spend time together in places where there were plenty of
people or in the company of other friends. We were never alone in a car or a
house. Thus, we avoided situations that could be tempting.”

11. What factors should a courting couple consider when deciding on displays of affection?

11 What about displays of affection? Some may be appropriate as your

relationship progresses. However, if your passions are aroused, you will likely
find it hard to think objectively about the other person. (Song of Sol. 1:2; 2:6)
Displays of affection can also easily escalate and lead to misconduct. (Prov.
6:27) Therefore, early in your relationship, discuss what limits you will set, in
harmony with Bible principles. c (1 Thess. 4:3-7) As a couple, ask yourselves:
‘How would people where we live view displays of affection between us? Could
these actions arouse passion in either of us?’

12. What should a courting couple be aware of regarding problems and disagreements during
a courtship?

12 How can you handle problems and disagreements? What if you have
disagreements from time to time? Would this indicate that your relationship 30
is not working? Not necessarily; all couples have differences. A strong
marriage is made up of two people who can work together to overcome their
differences. So how you work through problems now may reveal whether your
marriage will be successful. As a couple, ask yourselves: ‘Can we discuss
matters calmly and respectfully? Do we readily admit our shortcomings and
try to improve? Are we quick to yield, apologize, and forgive?’ (Eph. 4:31, 32)
Nevertheless, if you constantly disagree or argue during courtship, the
situation will not likely improve after you get married. If you realize that the
other person is not right for you, ending the courtship would be the best
decision for both of you. d

13. What factors can help a courting couple determine how long their courtship should last?

13
How long should your courtship last? Hasty decisions often bring negative
consequences. (Prov. 21:5) So your courtship should be long enough for you
to get well-acquainted with the other person. However, you should not
prolong the courtship unnecessarily. The Bible also says: “Expectation
postponed makes the heart sick.” (Prov. 13:12) Additionally, as the courtship
progresses, it may get more difficult to resist sexual temptation. (1 Cor. 7:9)
Instead of focusing on how long you have been dating, you could ask yourself,
‘What do I still need to learn about the other person in order to make a
decision?’

HOW CAN OTHERS SUPPORT COURTING COUPLES?

14. In what practical ways can others support a courting couple? (See also picture.)

14 If we know a courting couple, how can we help them? We could invite them
to join us for a meal, for family worship, or for recreation. (Rom. 12:13) Under
those circumstances, they may get to know each other even more. Do they
need a chaperone, help with transportation, or a place where they can talk
privately? If so, could we offer to help? (Gal. 6:10) Alicia, mentioned earlier,
recalls what she and Aschwin appreciated. She says, “We found it 31

heartwarming that some brothers said that we could visit them if we needed a
place to be together but not secluded.” If you are asked to chaperone, why not
consider it a privilege? Be careful not to leave the couple completely alone, but
also discern when they need time and space to talk privately.—Phil. 2:4.

If we know a courting couple, we can find practical ways to support them (See paragraphs 14-
15)

15. What else can friends do to help a courting couple? (Proverbs 12:18)

15
We can also support courting couples by what we say or do not say. At
times, we may need to control ourselves. (Read Proverbs 12:18.) For instance,
we may be eager to tell others that a couple have begun dating, but the
couple may want to share the news themselves. We should not gossip about a
courting couple or criticize them about personal matters. (Prov. 20:19; Rom.
14:10; 1 Thess. 4:11) Furthermore, the couple may not appreciate comments
or questions implying that they should or will get married. A sister named
Elise and her husband recall, “We found it awkward when others asked us
about our wedding plans when we hadn’t discussed them yet.”

16. How should we react if a couple end their courtship?

16
What if a couple decide to end the courtship? We should avoid prying into
the matter or taking sides. (1 Pet. 4:15) A sister named Lea says: “I heard that
others had been speculating about why a brother and I broke up. I was really
hurt.” As mentioned earlier, a breakup does not necessarily mean that the
couple failed. Usually, it simply means that the courtship achieved its purpose
—it helped the couple come to a good decision. However, that decision may
still have caused them emotional pain and may have left them feeling alone.
So we can look for ways to support them.—Prov. 17:17.

17. What should courting couples continue to do?

17
As we have seen, courtship can have its challenges, but it can also be
enjoyable. Jessica recalls: “Quite honestly, courtship was a lot of work. But it
was 100 percent worth the time and energy.” If you are a courting couple,
continue working on getting to know each other well. If you do, you will have
a successful courtship—one that will help you both to make a wise decision.

HOW WOULD YOU ANSWER?

What is the purpose of courtship?

How can a courting couple get to know each other well?

How can others in the congregation support a courting couple?

SONG 49 Making Jehovah’s Heart Glad

* Some names have been changed.

b For more questions to consider, see Questions Young People Ask—Answers That Work,
Volume 2, pp. 39-40.

c Fondling of another person’s genitals is a form of sexual immorality, requiring that the
congregation elders take judicial action. Fondling of the breasts and immoral conversations by
text or telephone could also result in judicial action, depending on the circumstances.

d For additional information, see “Questions From Readers” in the August 15, 1999, issue of
The Watchtower.

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