What is effective communication?

Effective communication is about more than just exchanging

information. It’s about understanding the emotion and
intentions behind the information. As well as being able to
clearly convey a message, you need to also listen in a way
that gains the full meaning of what’s being said and makes the
other person feel heard and understood.
Effective communication sounds like it should be instinctive.
But all too often, when we try to communicate with others
something goes astray. We say one thing, the other person
hears something else, and misunderstandings, frustration,
and conflicts ensue. This can cause problems in your home,
school, and work relationships.
But by learning effective communication skills, you can
deepen your connections to others, build greater trust and
respect, and improve teamwork, problem solving, and your
overall social and emotional health.

Tips for improving your communication skills

Whether you’re trying to improve communication with your
romantic partner, kids, boss, or coworkers, learning the
following communication skills can help strengthen your
interpersonal relationships.
Tip 1: Understand what’s stopping you from communicating
well
Common barriers to effective communication include:
Stress and out-of-control emotion. When you’re stressed or
emotionally overwhelmed, you’re more likely to misread other
people, send confusing or off-putting nonverbal signals, and
lapse into unhealthy knee-jerk patterns of behavior. To avoid
conflict and misunderstandings, you can learn how to quickly
calm down before continuing a conversation.
Lack of focus. You can’t communicate effectively when you’re
multitasking. If you’re checking your phone, planning what
you’re going to say next, or daydreaming, you’re almost
certain to miss nonverbal cues in the conversation. To
communicate effectively, you need to avoid distractions and
stay focused.
Inconsistent body language. Nonverbal communication
should reinforce what is being said, not contradict it. If you say
one thing, but your body language says something else, your
listener will likely feel that you’re being dishonest. For
example, you can’t say “yes” while shaking your head no.
Negative body language. If you disagree with or dislike what’s
being said, you might use negative body language to rebuff
the other person’s message, such as crossing your arms,
avoiding eye contact, or tapping your feet. You don’t have to
agree with, or even like what’s being said, but to communicate
effectively and not put the other person on the defensive, it’s
important to avoid sending negative signals.

Tip 2: Become an engaged listener

When communicating with others, we often focus on what we
should say. However, effective communication is less about
talking and more about listening. Listening well means not just
understanding the words or the information being
communicated, but also understanding the emotions the
speaker is trying to convey.
There’s a big difference between engaged listening and
simply hearing. When you really listen—when you’re engaged
with what’s being said—you’ll hear the subtle intonations in
someone’s voice that tell you how that person is feeling and
the emotions they’re trying to communicate. When you’re an
engaged listener, not only will you better understand the other
person, you’ll also make that person feel heard and
understood, which can help build a stronger, deeper
connection between you.
By communicating in this way, you’ll also experience a
process that lowers stress and supports physical and
emotional well-being. If the person you’re talking to is calm,
for example, listening in an engaged way will help to calm you,
too. Similarly, if the person is agitated, you can help calm them
by listening in an attentive way and making the person feel
understood.
If your goal is to fully understand and connect with the other
person, listening in an engaged way will often come naturally.
If it doesn’t, try the following tips. The more you practice them,
the more satisfying and rewarding your interactions with
others will become.
Tips for becoming an engaged listener
Focus fully on the speaker. You can’t listen in an engaged way
if you’re constantly checking your phone or thinking about
something else. You need to stay focused on the moment-to-
moment experience in order to pick up the subtle nuances and
important nonverbal cues in a conversation. If you find it hard
to concentrate on some speakers, try repeating their words
over in your head—it’ll reinforce their message and help you
stay focused.
Favor your right ear. As strange as it sounds, the left side of
the brain contains the primary processing centers for both
speech comprehension and emotions. Since the left side of
the brain is connected to the right side of the body, favoring
your right ear can help you better detect the emotional
nuances of what someone is saying.
Avoid interrupting or trying to redirect the conversation to your
concerns. By saying something like, “If you think that’s bad,
let me tell you what happened to me.” Listening is not the
same as waiting for your turn to talk. You can’t concentrate on
what someone’s saying if you’re forming what you’re going to
say next. Often, the speaker can read your facial expressions
and know that your mind’s elsewhere.
Show your interest in what’s being said. Nod occasionally,
smile at the person, and make sure your posture is open and
inviting. Encourage the speaker to continue with small verbal
comments like “yes” or “uh huh.”
Try to set aside judgment. In order to communicate effectively
with someone, you don’t have to like them or agree with their
ideas, values, or opinions. However, you do need to set aside
your judgment and withhold blame and criticism in order to
fully understand them. The most difficult communication,
when successfully executed, can often lead to an unlikely
connection with someone.
[Read: Improving Emotional Intelligence (EQ)]
Provide feedback. If there seems to be a disconnect, reflect
what has been said by paraphrasing. “What I’m hearing is,” or
“Sounds like you are saying,” are great ways to reflect back.
Don’t simply repeat what the speaker has said verbatim,
though—you’ll sound insincere or unintelligent. Instead,
express what the speaker’s words mean to you. Ask questions
to clarify certain points: “What do you mean when you say…”
or “Is this what you mean?”
Hear the emotion behind the words. It’s the higher frequencies
of human speech that impart emotion. You can become more
attuned to these frequencies—and thus better able to
understand what others are really saying—by exercising the
tiny muscles of your middle ear (the smallest in the body). You
can do this by singing, playing a wind instrument, or listening
to certain types of high-frequency music (a Mozart symphony
or violin concerto, for example, rather than low-frequency
rock, pop, or hip-hop).

Tip 3: Pay attention to nonverbal signals

The way you look, listen, move, and react to another person
tells them more about how you’re feeling than words alone
ever can. Nonverbal communication, or body language,
includes facial expressions, body movement and gestures,
eye contact, posture, the tone of your voice, and even your
muscle tension and breathing.
Developing the ability to understand and use nonverbal
communication can help you connect with others, express
what you really mean, navigate challenging situations, and
build better relationships at home and work.
• You can enhance effective communication by using open
body language—arms uncrossed, standing with an open
stance or sitting on the edge of your seat, and maintaining
eye contact with the person you’re talking to.
• You can also use body language to emphasize or
enhance your verbal message—patting a friend on the
back while complimenting him on his success, for
example, or pounding your fists to underline your
message.
Improve how you read nonverbal communication
Be aware of individual differences. People from different
countries and cultures tend to use different nonverbal
communication gestures, so it’s important to take age, culture,
religion, gender, and emotional state into account when
reading body language signals. An American teen, a grieving
widow, and an Asian businessman, for example, are likely to
use nonverbal signals differently.
Look at nonverbal communication signals as a group. Don’t
read too much into a single gesture or nonverbal cue.
Consider all of the nonverbal signals you receive, from eye
contact to tone of voice to body language. Anyone can slip up
occasionally and let eye contact go, for example, or briefly
cross their arms without meaning to. Consider the signals as
a whole to get a better “read” on a person.
Improve how you deliver nonverbal communication
Use nonverbal signals that match up with your words rather
than contradict them. If you say one thing, but your body
language says something else, your listener will feel confused
or suspect that you’re being dishonest. For example, sitting
with your arms crossed and shaking your head doesn’t match
words telling the other person that you agree with what they’re
saying.
Adjust your nonverbal signals according to the context. The
tone of your voice, for example, should be different when
you’re addressing a child than when you’re addressing a
group of adults. Similarly, take into account the emotional
state and cultural background of the person you’re interacting
with.
Avoid negative body language. Instead, use body language to
convey positive feelings, even when you’re not actually
experiencing them. If you’re nervous about a situation—a job
interview, important presentation, or first date, for example—
you can use positive body language to signal confidence,
even though you’re not feeling it. Instead of tentatively
entering a room with your head down, eyes averted, and
sliding into a chair, try standing tall with your shoulders back,
smiling and maintaining eye contact, and delivering a firm
handshake. It will make you feel more self-confident and help
to put the other person at ease.

Tip 4: Keep stress in check

How many times have you felt stressed during a disagreement
with your spouse, kids, boss, friends, or coworkers and then
said or done something you later regretted? If you can quickly
relieve stress and return to a calm state, you’ll not only avoid
such regrets, but in many cases you’ll also help to calm the
other person as well. It’s only when you’re in a calm, relaxed
state that you’ll be able to know whether the situation requires
a response, or whether the other person’s signals indicate it
would be better to remain silent.
In situations such as a job interview, business presentation,
high-pressure meeting, or introduction to a loved one’s family,
for example, it’s important to manage your emotions, think on
your feet, and effectively communicate under pressure.
Communicate effectively by staying calm under pressure
Use stalling tactics to give yourself time to think. Ask for a
question to be repeated or for clarification of a statement
before you respond.
Pause to collect your thoughts. Silence isn’t necessarily a bad
thing—pausing can make you seem more in control than
rushing your response.
Make one point and provide an example or supporting piece
of information. If your response is too long or you waffle about
a number of points, you risk losing the listener’s interest.
Follow one point with an example and then gauge the
listener’s reaction to tell if you should make a second point.
Deliver your words clearly. In many cases, how you say
something can be as important as what you say. Speak
clearly, maintain an even tone, and make eye contact. Keep
your body language relaxed and open.
Wrap up with a summary and then stop. Summarize your
response and then stop talking, even if it leaves a silence in
the room. You don’t have to fill the silence by continuing to
talk.
Quick stress relief for effective communication
When a conversation starts to get heated, you need
something quick and immediate to bring down the emotional
intensity. By learning to quickly reduce stress in the moment,
you can safely take stock of any strong emotions you’re
experiencing, regulate your feelings, and behave
appropriately.
Recognize when you’re becoming stressed. Your body will let
you know if you’re stressed as you communicate. Are your
muscles or stomach tight? Are your hands clenched? Is your
breath shallow? Are you “forgetting” to breathe?
Take a moment to calm down before deciding to continue a
conversation or postpone it.
Bring your senses to the rescue. The best way to rapidly and
reliably relieve stress is through the senses—sight, sound,
touch, taste, smell—or movement. For example, you could
pop a peppermint in your mouth, squeeze a stress ball in your
pocket, take a few deep breaths, clench and relax your
muscles, or simply recall a soothing, sensory-rich image.
Each person responds differently to sensory input, so you
need to find a coping mechanism that is soothing to you.
[Read: Quick Stress Relief]
Look for humor in the situation. When used
appropriately, humor is a great way to relieve stress when
communicating. When you or those around you start taking
things too seriously, find a way to lighten the mood by sharing
a joke or an amusing story.
Be willing to compromise. Sometimes, if you can both bend a
little, you’ll be able to find a happy middle ground that reduces
the stress levels for everyone concerned. If you realize that
the other person cares much more about an issue than you
do, compromise may be easier for you and a good investment
for the future of the relationship.
Agree to disagree, if necessary, and take time away from the
situation so everyone can calm down. Go for a stroll outside if
possible, or spend a few minutes meditating. Physical
movement or finding a quiet place to regain your balance can
quickly reduce stress.
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Tip 5: Assert Yourself

Direct, assertive expression makes for clear communication
and can help boost your self-esteem and decision-making
skills. Being assertive means expressing your thoughts,
feelings, and needs in an open and honest way, while
standing up for yourself and respecting others. It does NOT
mean being hostile, aggressive, or demanding. Effective
communication is always about understanding the other
person, not about winning an argument or forcing your
opinions on others.
To improve your assertiveness
Value yourself and your options. They are as important as
anyone else’s.
Know your needs and wants. Learn to express them without
infringing on the rights of others.
Express negative thoughts in a positive way. It’s okay to be
angry, but you must remain respectful as well.
Receive feedback positively. Accept compliments graciously,
learn from your mistakes, ask for help when needed.
Learn to say “no.” Know your limits and don’t let others take
advantage of you. Look for alternatives so everyone feels
good about the outcome.
Developing assertive communication techniques
Empathetic assertion conveys sensitivity to the other person.
First, recognize the other person’s situation or feelings, then
state your needs or opinion. “I know you’ve been very busy at
work, but I want you to make time for us as well.”
Escalating assertion can be employed when your first
attempts are not successful. You become increasingly firm as
time progresses, which may include outlining consequences
if your needs are not met. For example, “If you don’t abide by
the contract, I’ll be forced to pursue legal action.”
Practice assertiveness in lower risk situations to help build up
your confidence. Or ask friends or family if you can practice
assertiveness techniques on them first.