Reprinted with permission — Child Care Information Exchange

PO Box 3249, Redmond, WA 98073 • (800) 221-2864 • www.ChildCareExchange.com

and develop into the best he or

Understanding the parent’s perspective she can be in order to become
part of a larger group.

■ The self is inherently connected,

not separate, and is defined in
terms of relationships. Obligation
to others is more important than
personal fulfillment or achieve-
ment.

The choice of which task to focus on

and the definition of ÒselfÓ influence

Independence everything a parent does. For exam-

ple, parents who place a larger
value on independence than making
connections are likely to encourage

or early self-help skills. They hand

their babies the spoon when they
first reach for it. They teach their

Interdependence? babies to sleep alone in a crib. Self-

reliance is the goal of parents who
focus on independence. Self-asser-
tion is another goal, self-expression,
by Janet Gonzalez-Mena too. The end result of reaching all
these goals set by independence-
minded parents is self-esteem.
These children fit right into the
early childhood programs where the

W
hen I was a new teacher faced with the job of educating
teacher has the same goals.
parents, I had great enthusiasm for sharing all that I knew.
My energy was boundless, matched only by my zeal. Independence-focused parents may
also teach skills that connect their
I will never forget trying to explain the concept of self-esteem to a children to others, but they usually
newly arrived Mexican immigrant mother. She kept insisting that put far less emphasis on them.
there was no such thing in Spanish. I didnÕt give up. I kept trying to Parents who are more concerned
explain it to her. She sat there the whole time with a blank look on her about their childrenÕs ability to cre-
face. She wasnÕt getting it. Finally she said in complete bewilderment, ate and maintain connections have a
ÒYou canÕt esteem yourself, you can only esteem others.Ó different view of practically every-
thing. Sometimes they donÕt fit so
IÕve been thinking about that The parentsÕ job is to help their chil- well into our programs because of
exchange for 25 years. She didnÕt dren with these tasks. Most parents their heavy focus on interdependence
get what I was saying, but I didnÕt focus more on one task than the or mutual dependence instead of
get what she was saying either. other. Some even ignore the other independence.
task and leave its accomplishment to
Finally IÕm starting to get it. chance. Janet Gonzalez-Mena divides her
time between teaching, writing,
Newborn babies are faced with the The choice of focus is cultural, and and family life. She is on the
two major tasks of childhood: the outcome is that the child comes faculty at Napa Valley College in
to define ÒselfÓ as his culture defines California. The author of several
■ to become independent individu-
the concept. Two such definitions are: books on early childhood, she
als; and
writes a parenting column for the
■ to establish connections with ■ The self is a separate, autonomous Napa Valley Register and a regu-
others. individual whose job it is to grow lar column for Twins magazine.

Child Care Information Exchange 9/97 — 61

They may have little concern about If you are an independent-minded adults who are independence-
self-help skills. For example, self- person, as most of us early childhood minded meet up with adults who
feeding may be postponed because education professionals are, you may are Òother-centered.Ó I have had a
feeding is a time that connections be shocked to see a parent discourag- hard time watching parents dress
are nourished. They may continue ing a child who tries to do things for kids who are plenty old enough to
spoon feeding way past infancy herself. dress themselves. ÒThereÕs no excuse
for a four year old to be so helpless,Ó
into toddlerhood and beyond. This
I understood this parental behavior IÕve said to myself watching a child
practice can get them in trouble standing passively while her parent
when their child enters child care. better when I talked to Joe Tobin of
put her coat on her. If I had said it
Teachers may be shocked when a Preschool in Three Cultures fame. He
out loud, I might have gotten the
three year old sits down at breakfast told me about the lesson some Japan- answer, ÒSheÕll learn to eventually
the first day and waits to be fed. If ese parents give their babies when dress herself, why hurry it?Ó
the teacher resists, the parents can they first start to assert themselves.
Instead of encouraging indepen- Sometimes the shoe was on the
be quite upset.
dence, they teach the baby that itÕs other foot and I was the one being
good to let others help you. They criticized. For example, when my
Imagine how it would feel to send
even have a special word for Ògra- child shyly refused to properly greet
children off into somebody elseÕs his preschool teacher or even his
ciously accepting help.Ó The reason
care thinking that they will be fed goes something like this: Letting grandfather, I excused the behavior.
and finding out that they wonÕt. others help, even when itÕs not I havenÕt been openly criticized, but
Parents can be quite surprised and needed, strengthens the relationship I have seen the looks on the faces of
disappointed when they learn of a and makes the ÒhelperÓ happy. some people who saw this. I imagine
programÕs policy on self-help skills. they were saying to themselves,
Parents who focus on relationships ÒThereÕs no excuse for a four year
Although parents who stress inde- old being so disrespectful to elders.Ó
are less adamant about babies learn-
IÕm sure that they saw my lack of
pendence look down on the idea of ing to sleep through the night alone.
attention to teaching my son proper
ÒcoddlingÓ children, to the parent They are less anxious to promote greetings as a moral failure. For me,
focused on making connections, self-expression, self-help, even self- greetings are merely a social conven-
thereÕs nothing negative about do- esteem. Anything that has ÒselfÓ con- tion and of no real importance.
ing things for children. These par- nected to it is suspicious. They donÕt ÒHeÕll learn eventually,Ó IÕd have
ents see no reason to keep from want to raise self-ish children, they said in response to the criticism.
prolonging babyhood and continu- want to raise children who put oth-
ing the closeness. Their attitude ers first. Of course, in time the first child
makes sense if you understand their learned to put on her own coat just
Thinking in terms of interdepen- as my son learned to properly greet
goal. They worry about too much
dence is a completely different way people. ThatÕs the point. Most chil-
independence, so they try to dis- dren, no matter how they were
of looking at getting needs met. The
courage it. raised, do grow up to become BOTH
parent who is an independence
advocate teaches that it is each independent individuals AND peo-
Independent-minded parents have childÕs job to increasingly take care of ple who create and maintain rela-
the opposite worry. They fear if they tionships. Children accomplish both
his or her own needs as capabilities
donÕt encourage independence their these major tasks even if their par-
develop. But children who grow up
children will remain dependent on ents only focused on one.
in an Òother-centeredÓ family learn
them, maybe forever! that increasingly the family mem- Parents expect their children to be
bersÕ needs should be their focus, not both independent and connected,
So when adults with these opposite their own needs. They still get their but they work harder on what they
concerns meet up with each other needs met, because while they are believe to be most important. They
in early childhood programs, there taking care of others, others are tak- leave to chance what they are less
are bound to be clashes. The one ing care of them. Needs are met in concerned about Ñ or they work on
focuses on creating and maintaining both types of homes, but the process it hit or miss. Most parents never
relationships, the other on creating in each is very different. make a conscious decision about
an independent individual. They what to focus on because it comes
An example from my own life illus- from a deeply imbedded cultural
each behave according to their
trates how clashes can occur when value.
beliefs.
Child Care Information Exchange 9/97 — 62
It isnÕt until misunderstandings arise that these values
begin to show. And, even then, it may take a long time to
Òget it.Ó It has been years since IÕve seen Teresa, the
mother to whom I tried to explain self-esteem, but IÕm
willing to bet that she began to understand my point of
view long before I ever understood hers.

Reference

Tobin, Joseph J. Preschool in Three Cultures: Japan, China, and the

United States. New Haven, CT: Yale University Press, 1989.

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