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Effective Data Visualization
Effective Data Visualization
The Right Chart for the Right Data

Stephanie D. H. Evergreen
Evergreen Data & Evaluation, LLC
FOR INFORMATION:

SAGE Publications, Inc.

2455 Teller Road

Thousand Oaks, California 91320

E-mail: [email protected]

SAGE Publications Ltd.

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London EC1Y 1SP

United Kingdom

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B 1/I 1 Mohan Cooperative Industrial Area

Mathura Road, New Delhi 110 044

India

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3 Church Street

#10-04 Samsung Hub

Singapore 049483
 Copyright © 2017 by SAGE Publications, Inc.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or utilized

in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including
photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval
system, without permission in writing from the publisher.

All trademarks depicted within this book, including trademarks

appearing as part of a screenshot, figure, or other image are included
solely for the purpose of illustration and are the property of their
respective holders. The use of the trademarks in no way indicates
any relationship with, or endorsement by, the holders of said
trademarks. SPSS is a registered trademark of International Business
Machines Corporation.
Printed in the United States of America

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Names: Evergreen, Stephanie D. H., author.

Title: Effective data visualization : the right chart for the right data / Stephanie D.H.
Evergreen, Evergreen Data & Evaluation, LLC.

Description: Los Angeles : SAGE, [2017] | Includes bibliographical references and

index.

Identifiers: LCCN 2015045992 | ISBN 9781506303055 (pbk. : alk. paper)

Subjects: LCSH: Visual communication. | Charts, diagrams, etc. | Presentation

graphics software. | Graphic design (Typography) | Information visualization.

Classification: LCC P93.5 E937 2017 | DDC 302.2/22—dc23 LC record available at

http://lccn.loc.gov/2015045992

This book is printed on acid-free paper.

Acquisitions Editor: Helen Salmon

Editorial Assistants: Anna Villarruel and Nicole Wineman

Production Editor: Veronica Stapleton Hooper

Copy Editor: Janet Ford

Typesetter: C&M Digitals (P) Ltd.

Proofreader: Dennis W. Webb

Indexer: Jean Casalegno

Cover Designer: Rose Storey

Marketing Manager: Susannah Goldes

eLearning Editor: John Scappini

Brief Contents
Acknowledgments
About the Author
1. Our Backbone: Why We Visualize
2. When a Single Number Is Important: Showing Mean,
Frequency, and Measures of Variability
3. How Two or More Numbers Are Alike or Different: Visualizing
Comparisons
4. How We Are Better or Worse Than a Benchmark: Displaying
Relative Performance
5. What the Survey Says: Showing Likert, Ranking, Check-All-
That-Apply, and More
6. When There Are Parts of a Whole: Visualizing Beyond the Pie
Chart
7. How This Thing Changes When That Thing Does:
Communicating Correlation and Regression
8. When the Words Have the Meaning: Visualizing Qualitative
Data
9. How Things Changed Over Time: Depicting Trends
10. It’s About More Than the Buttons
Index
Detailed Contents
Acknowledgments
About the Author
1. Our Backbone: Why We Visualize
Why We Visualize
When Visualization Is Harmful
Which Chart Type Is Best?
How to Use This Book
Exercises
Resources
References
2. When a Single Number Is Important: Showing Mean,
Frequency, and Measures of Variability
What Stories Can Be Told With a Single Number?
How Can I Visualize a Single Number?
A Single Large Number
Icon Array
Donut or Pie Graph
Bar Graph
How Can I Show Measures of Variability?
Exercises
Resources
References
3. How Two or More Numbers Are Alike or Different: Visualizing
Comparisons
What Stories Can Be Told About How Two or More Numbers
Are Alike or Different?
How Can I Visualize How Two or More Numbers Are Alike or
Different?
Side by Side Column
Slopegraph
Back-to-Back Bars
Dot Plot
 Dumbbell Dot Plot
Small Multiples
Exercises
Resources
References
4. How We Are Better or Worse Than a Benchmark: Displaying
Relative Performance
What Stories Can Be Told About How We Are Better or
Worse Than a Benchmark?
How Can I Visualize How We Are Better or Worse Than a
Benchmark?
Benchmark Line
Combo Chart
Bullet Graph
Indicator Dots
Exercises
Resources
References
5. What the Survey Says: Showing Likert, Ranking, Check-All-
That-Apply, and More
What Stories Can Be Told About What the Survey Says?
How Can I Visualize What the Survey Says?
Rating
Stacked Bar
Small Multiples
Diverging Stacked Bar
Aggregated Stacked Bar
Ranking
Column Graph
The Lollipop Variation
Large Number With Icon
Branching
Annotated Graph
Nested Area Graph
Visualizing Not Applicable or Missing Data
Note Small Consistent Missing Data
 Add Sample Size for Large Consistent Missing Data
Add a Graph on the Side for Large Inconsistent Missing
Data
Exercises
Resources
References
6. When There Are Parts of a Whole: Visualizing Beyond the Pie
Chart
What Stories Can Be Told When There Are Parts of a
Whole?
How Can I Visualize the Parts of a Whole?
Don’t Visualize at All
Pie Charts Done Right
100% Stacked Bar
Histogram
Treemap
Map
Exercises
Resources
References
7. How This Thing Changes When That Thing Does:
Communicating Correlation and Regression
What Stories Can Be Told About How This Thing Changes
When That Thing Does?
How Can I Visualize How This Thing Changes When That
Thing Does?
Scatterplot
Diagram
Don’t Visualize It at All
Exercises
Resources
References
8. When the Words Have the Meaning: Visualizing Qualitative
Data
What Stories Can Be Told When the Words Have the
Meaning?
 How Can I Visualize When the Words Have the Meaning?
Word Clouds
Pictures
Heat Map
Prezi
Exercises
Resources
References
9. How Things Changed Over Time: Depicting Trends
What Stories Can Be Told About How Things Changed Over
Time?
How Can I Visualize How Things Changed Over Time?
Your Old Friend, the Line Graph
Area Graph
Stacked Column
Deviation Bar
Slopegraph (as a Macro)
Dot Plot (as a Macro)
Sankey
Exercises
Resources
References
10. It’s About More Than the Buttons
Dot Plots Generate Healthcare Pioneers
Clearly Labeled Line Graphs Streamline Decisions at a
Fortune 500
Diverging Stacked Bars Make for Community Leaders in the
Midwest
Icons Support Informed Policymaking
Exercises
Resources
Reference
Index
Acknowledgments

When I wrote my first book, I holed myself away at a silent retreat

center with no Internet or phone access. I was incredibly productive
in that space. This time around, due to the success of the first book,
I no longer have a few free days in a row where I can afford to
isolate myself. With this book, I’ve had to write it on airplanes, in
airport lounges, at coffee shops in new cities, and in hotel rooms. In
each of those places, I had massive support from the people in the
service industry who so often go underappreciated, but who did so
much to make sure my needs were taken care of and I could just
write. This book is for the airline stewards, bartenders, baristas, bed
and breakfast managers, servers, and cabbies who made my life
easier. They are probably the last people who would use anything I
have written in these pages. Similarly, this book is for my parents
and friends and family who have cooked meals and taken wonderful
care of my son and generally made it possible for me to squirrel
away in a room with my laptop and some data.

As always, I’m ever grateful to the support of my colleagues at Sage,

Anna Villarruel and Helen Salmon, as well as the input from
generous peer reviewers:

David Boyns, California State University at Northridge

Thomas Cappaert, Rocky Mountain University of Health
Professions
Michael G. Elasmar, Boston University
John O. Elliott, The Ohio State University and Ohio Health
Research Institute
Brian Frederick, Bridgewater State University
David Han, University of Texas at San Antonio
Daniel Hawes, Kent State University
Mindy Hightower King, Indiana University
Kamir Kouzekanani, Texas A&M University–Corpus Christi
 Jodi F. Paroff, NYU Robert F. Wagner Graduate School of Public
Service
Shun-Yung Kevin Wang, University of South Florida—St.
Petersburg

Jenny Lyons and Dan Kalleward are two of the best assistants
anyone could want. Awesome people like Andy Cotgreave, Stuart
Henderson, Stephen Few, Danyel Fisher, Viki Lorraine, Gavin
McMahon, Patricia Rogers, Eric Walker, and Carl Westine gave input
on sections of this book and invariably made it better. Finally, my
stellar clients and colleagues contributed their own (often bad—but
then improved!) work for public scrutiny and that is hard and brave
and I’m grateful.
About the Author

Dr. Stephanie D. H. Evergreen

is a sought-after speaker, designer, and researcher. She is best
known for bringing a research-based approach to helping others
better communicate their work through more effective graphs,
slides, and reports. She holds a PhD from Western Michigan
University in interdisciplinary research, which included a
dissertation on the extent of graphic design use in written data
reporting. Dr. Evergreen has trained audiences worldwide
through keynote presentations and workshops for clients, such
as Verizon, Head Start, American Institutes for Research,
Brookings Institute, the Ad Council, Boys and Girls Club of
America, and the United Nations. She led the first known
attempt to revamp the quality of presentations for an entire
association: the Potent Presentations Initiative for the American
Evaluation Association (AEA). She is the 2015 recipient of the
AEA’s Marcia Guttentag Promising New Evaluator Award, which
recognizes early notable and substantial accomplishments in the
field. Dr. Evergreen is coeditor and coauthor of two issues of
New Directions for Evaluation on data visualization. She writes a
popular blog on data presentation at StephanieEvergreen.com.
Her book, Presenting Data Effectively: Communicating Your
Findings for Maximum Impact, was published by Sage in Fall
2013 and was listed as number one in Social Science Research
on Amazon in the United States and United Kingdom for several
weeks.
1 Our Backbone Why We Visualize
 Learning Objectives
After reading this chapter you will be able to

Articulate research-based reasons for pursuing better data visualization

Justify your time and resource investment in data visualization
Consider how data visualization has been used for deception
Orient yourself to the skills you’ll learn in this book

This chapter contains our justification for spending our time, energy,
and resources on fiddling with our graphs. We address the very
foundation of data visualization and the choices we need to make about
the best chart type to use, and when to use it. This is the backbone of
our work to visualize data, the reasoning we need to deliver to our boss
when she or he asks why we are still dabbling in Excel when the report
is due.
Why We Visualize
What’s your point?

Seriously, that’s the most important question to ask when creating a

data visualization. It’s the first thing I ask a client who sends me data
for redesign. And it’s the primary reason we visualize: Because we have
a point to communicate to the world. We have a compelling finding to
share, a big idea revealed in our analysis that we need to say to people.
A point.

Articulating the point generates an answer which drives nearly

everything about visualizing that data. Here’s how the conversation
often goes:

Client: “Thanks for working with us, Stephanie. We have these data
from parents and students and right now they are in a bar graph and
we are certain it could be displayed better, we just aren’t sure how”
(see Figure 1.1).

Me: “I can help with that, Client! What’s your point?”

Client: “Excuse me?”

Me: “What’s the point of showing this data about parent and student
perspectives? Right now, it looks like you want people to compare
parents and students. Is that your point?”

Client: “Actually, no. And that’s the most clarifying question you could
have asked. Our point is that generally we expect students to report
higher than parents on all of these questions, but our data showed that
the students’ expectations to go to college were way lower than their
parents’ expectations. That set off some alarm bells for us.”
And this is when I silently pump my fist in the air because the client
answered the most important question and now I know how to better
display this data.
Me (after I catch my breath from all that fist pumping): “The first thing
we are going to do, then, is take what you just said, and make it the
headline of the graph. We are going to replace this generic title with
your main point. The next thing we will do is swap out a different graph
type, maybe something like a slopegraph since those are pretty good at
highlighting when one thing is decreasing a lot and the rest are going
up. Give me a day to play with some ideas and let’s talk tomorrow.”

Figure 1.1 Traditional clustered bar graphs can cloud the point.

The Next Day

Me: “Good morning, Client! What did you think of that slopegraph I
sent you (see Figure 1.2)?”

Client: “It really does say exactly what we originally thought we needed
to show. But, I talked to my colleagues after our call yesterday and
asked them ‘What’s the point?’ We decided that the real bottom-line
point was that so few students have expectations to go to college.
Forget the parents—that’s a secondary issue right now. ‘What’s the
point?’ really helped us hone our thinking.”
Figure 1.2 Slopegraphs are one way to compare two groups on
multiple variables.

Me: “Ah well in that case, you have other options for showing that
point.” (Telepathically sends new visual possibilities a la Figure 1.3)
“Maybe one of these?”

Client: “These are both right to the point. We will choose one today.”

Figure 1.3 A single large number or a simple pie chart are two possible
ways to help readers remember one important number.
Figuring out your point sharpens the thinking and the messaging
surrounding the data, and in doing so reveals the best way to visualize
the data. When you get stuck with your graph, keep asking “What’s the
point?” If you find you don’t have a point, you probably shouldn’t
bother with graphing the data. We visualize to communicate a point.

We also visualize to add legitimacy or credibility. People are persuaded

by numbers and stories (de Graaf & Hustinx, 2011; Kosara & Mackinlay,
2013). When we can combine those things and tell stories with
numbers, we have a communication powerhouse.

The research tells us that data are more persuasive when shown in
graphs. Pandey, Manivannan, Nov, Satterthwaite, and Bertini (2014)
presented mildly controversial topics to study participants. Some of the
topic narrative contained simple column graphs, and some contained
the same information in tables. The participants who saw it in graph
format showed greater attitude change, particularly those who didn’t
have strong beliefs about the controversy beforehand. In other words,
people are more persuaded when they see data visually represented. In
a super cool related study on political beliefs, Nyhan and Reifler (2013)
found that misperception decreases when people are presented with
(accurate) graphic representations of political information. One factor
may be that we are primarily visual beings and that most of us, most of
the time, are skimming the narrative for things that pop out at us and
catch our attention (Evergreen, 2013). Data visualization does just that
—it provides the pop.

Graphs and formulas seem to add credibility to data, even if they don’t
contain any new insights beyond what already exists in the narrative.
Tal and Wansink (2014) experimented by including a graph (or a
scientific formula) in materials about medication efficacy. They found
that people who read the study materials believed the medications were
more effective when the materials included a graph—even if the graph
didn’t contain substantial or additional information.

Of course, we use this power for good—to give more support and add
credibility to our carefully researched points. But, the same tools can be
used to deceive.
Other documents randomly have
different content
The Project Gutenberg eBook of Peck's Bad Boy in
an airship
This ebook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States
and most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no
restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it
under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included with this
ebook or online at www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the
United States, you will have to check the laws of the country where
you are located before using this eBook.

Title: Peck's Bad Boy in an airship

Author: George W. Peck

Illustrator: Charles Lederer

Release date: November 27, 2023 [eBook #72237]

Language: English

Original publication: Chicago: Stanton and Van Vliet Co, 1908

Credits: Stephen Hutcheson, Gísli Valgeirsson, Rod Crawford, Dave

Morgan and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at
https://www.pgdp.net

*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PECK'S BAD

BOY IN AN AIRSHIP ***
PECK’S BAD BOY IN AN
AIRSHIP
“Take That from Your Little Hennery.”
 Peck’s Bad Boy
in an Airship
By Hon. Geo. W. Peck
Author of Peck’s Bad Boy, Peck’s Bad Boy Abroad, Peck’s Bad Boy
With the Circus, Peck’s Bad Boy With the Cowboys, Etc.

Humorous and Interesting

A story relating the adventures of Peck’s Bad Boy and
His Pa who are sent to Europe to investigate airships
with an idea of using them in the United States Navy.
Tells of their adventures in Europe also in South Africa
where the airship is used in hunting wild animals.

Illustrated by Charles Lederer

The Celebrated Illustrator and Cartoonist
 Copyright, 1908
By W. G. CHAPMAN

Copyright, 1908
By THOMPSON & THOMAS
 CONTENTS.

CHAPTER I.
The Bad Boy Wants to Be an Orphan—The Bad Boy Goes to an Orphan
Asylum—The Government Gives the Bad Boy’s Pa an Appointment to
Travel Over the World and Get Information About Airships, Dirigible
Balloons and Everything to Help Our Government Know What Other
Governments are Doing in Case of War 15

CHAPTER II.
No Encouragement for Inventive Genius in Orphan Home—The Boy Uses
His New Invention, a Patent Clothes Wringer, in Milking 28

CHAPTER III.
The Boy Escapes from Orphan Asylum—The Boy and His Chum Had Red
Letter Days—The Boy is Adopted by New Friends 42

CHAPTER IV.
A Bad Railroad Wreck—The Boy Contrasts Their Ride to One in a Parlor
Car—The Lawyer is the Greatest Man on Earth—The Boy Settles His
Claim for $20 55

CHAPTER V.
The Bad Boy Leaves St. Louis in a Balloon—The Boy Makes a Trip to San
Francisco and Joins Evans’ Fleet—The Police Arrest Boy and Tie Up
Balloon 67

CHAPTER VI.
The Balloon Lands in Delaware—The Boy Visits the Battleships—They 78
Scour the Boy With a Piece of Brick and Some Laundry Soap—The Boy
Investigates the Mechanism of the Battleships—The Boy Goes With the
Ships as a Mascot

CHAPTER VII.
A Storm Comes from the Coast of Cuba—Everyone Goes to Sleep on the
Ship Except the Watchman and Pilot—The Bad Boy is Put in the
Dungeon—The Captain Says to Throw the Boy Overboard to Feed the
Sharks 91

CHAPTER VIII.
The Boy Dresses Up in His Sunday Clothes and Tells the Captain He is
Ready to Die—The Crew Throw a Steer Overboard to Feed a School of
Sharks—The Boy Produces His New Electric Battery—The Bad Boy
Makes a Trip to France to Meet His Pa 104

CHAPTER IX.
The Bad Boy Arrives in France—The Boy’s Pa is Suspected of Being an
Anarchist—The Boy Finds Pa Seated at a Large Table Bragging About
America—He Told Them the Men in America Were All Millionaires and
Unmarried 131

CHAPTER X.
Pa Had the Hardest Time of His Life in Paris—Pa Drinks Some Goat Milk
Which Gives Him Ptomaine Poison in His Inside Works—Pa Attends the
Airship Club in the Country—Pa Draws on American Government for
$10,000 145

CHAPTER XI.
The Boy and His Pa Leave France and Go to Germany, Where They Buy
an Airship—They Get the Airship Safely Landed—Pa and the Boy With
the Airship Start for South Africa—Pa Shows the Men What Power He
Has Over the Animal Kingdom 157

CHAPTER XII.
All Kinds of Climates in South Africa—Pa Hires Men to Capture Wild
Animals—The Boy and His Pa Capture Some Tigers and a Big Lion—
They Have a Narrow Escape from a Rhinoceros 170
 CHAPTER XIII.
Pa Was a Hero After Capturing Two Tigers and a Lion—Pa Had an Old
Negro With Sixty Wives Working for Him—Pa Makes His Escape in
Safety—Pa Goes to Catch Hippopotamusses 181

CHAPTER XIV.
Pa Was Blackmailed and Scared Out of Lots of Money—Pa Teaching the
Natives to Speak English—Pa Said the Natives Acted Like Human
Beings—Pa Buys Some Animals in the Jungle 194

CHAPTER XV.
The Idea of Airships is All Right in Theory, but They are Never Going to Be
a Reliable Success—Pa Drowns the Lions Out With Gas—The Bad Boy
and His Pa Capture a Couple of Lions—Pa Moves Camp to Hunt Gorillas 207

CHAPTER XVI.
The Boy’s Pa Shows Bravery in the Jungles in Africa—Four Gorillas Chase
Pa—The Boy and His Pa Don’t Sleep Much at Night—The Boy
Discovers a Marsh Full of Wild Buffaloes 220

CHAPTER XVII.
The Boy’s Experience With an African Buffalo—The Boy’s Pa Shoots
Roman Candles to Scare the Buffaloes—The Boy’s Pa Tames the Wild
Animals 234

CHAPTER XVIII.
The Boy and His Pa Start for the Coast in an Airship—Pa Saluted the
Crowd as We Passed Over Them—The Airship Lands Amid a Savage
Tribe—The King of the Tribe Escorts Pa and the Boy to the Palace 246

CHAPTER XIX.
The Boy’s Pa Becomes King over the Negroes—Pa Shows the Natives
How to Dig Wells—Pa Teaches the Natives to become Soldiers—The
Boy Uses a Dozen Nigger Chasers and Some Roman Candles—The
Boy, His Pa and the Natives Assist at the 4th of July Celebration 258
 ILLUSTRATIONS.

Gee, My Ideas of an Orphan Home Got a Shock.

The Way Freshmen Do in College When They’re Being
Murdered.
Gosh, But I Never Had Such an Excursion.
Grabbed the Balloon Rope and Gave it a Hitch Around the
Pole.
Any Man That Lays Hands on the Government Mail Can
Be Imprisoned for Life for Treason.
Hit the Chief of Police With a Bottle.
They Pulled Me Through the Forty-Foot Gun to Swab it
Out.
When it Exploded the Jap Was the Scaredest Person I
Ever Saw.
The Boss of the Boat Ordered Me Pulled Out With a Boat
Hook.
I Am Thy Father’s Ghost—Come on in, the Water’s Fine.
The Captain Got Upon a Chair and Pulled a Revolver and
Was Going to Shoot.
I Gave Him a Squeeze That Sent a Shock Through Him
That Loosened His Teeth.
Pa’s Face Was Scratched So They Sent Him to the Pest
House.
After Pa Had Been Ducked in the Fountain They Charged
for Two Ducks He Killed by Falling on Them.
The Fireworks Went Off. The Woman Threw a Fit and Pa
Raised Out of the Smoke.
Up She Went With the Inventor Steering and Pa Hanging
on for Dear Life.
Pa Gave a Honk Honk Like an Auto, But the Lion Wasn’t
Frightened So You Would Notice.
When Pa Found the Snake Coiled Up on His Blanket He
Threw a Fit.
Looking Him Square in the Face I began to Chant, Ene-
Mene-Miny-Mo.
Pa Astride of a Zebra, Has Frightened the Elephants Into a
Stampede by Playing “A Hot Time” on a Mouth Organ.
Pa Made a Lunge and Fell on Top of the Little Elephant,
Which Began to Make a Noise Like a Baby.
“There’s Your Lions, About a Dozen, Captured Down in
That Hole; Help Yourselves,” Said Pa.
“Get in There, You Measly Cur Dog,” Said Pa, Kicking the
Big Lion at Every Jump.
Pa Stopped the Music and Repeated an Old Democratic
Speech of His, and They Acted Just Like a Caucus.
All He Had to Do Was Play “Supper is Now Ready in the
Dining Car.”
Some of Those Negroes are Running Yet, and Will, No
Doubt, Come Out at Cairo, Egypt.
Pa Had to Put His Foot on Their Necks and Acknowledge
Him Their King and Protector.
Peck’s Bad Boy in an Airship.
 CHAPTER I.
The Bad Boy Wants to Be an Orphan—The Bad Boy Goes to an
Orphan Asylum—The Government Gives the Bad Boy’s Pa an
Appointment to Travel Over the World and Get Information About
Airships, Dirigible Balloons and Everything to Help Our Government
Know What Other Governments Are Doing in Case of War.

I have always wanted to be an orphan and I guess now I have got

my wish.
I have watched orphans a whole lot and they have seemed to me to
have the easiest job outside of politics.
To see a good mess of orphans at an Orphan Asylum, with no
parents to butt in and interfere with your enjoyment has seemed to
me to be an ideal existence.
When a boy has a father that he has to watch constantly to keep him
from going wrong he has no time to have any fun, but to belong to a
syndicate of orphans, with an easy old maid matron to look after the
whole bunch, an individual orphan who has ginger in him can have
the time of his young life. At least that is the way it has always
seemed to me.
They set on the food at an orphanage, and if you have a pretty good
reach, you can get enough corralled around your plate to keep the
wolf from the door, and when it comes to clothes, you don’t have to
go to a tailor, or a hand me down store, and take something you
don’t want because it is cheap, but you take any clothes that are
sent in by charitable people, which have been worn enough so there
is no style about them, and no newness to wear off by rolling in the
grass, and you put them on and let it go at that, if they do smell of
moth balls.
Pa has skipped and I am left alone and I shall enter as a freshman in
an Orphan Asylum, and later go out into the world and travel on my
shape.
Pa took me to Washington and for a week he was visiting the
different Departments, and nights he would talk in his sleep about air
ships and balloons, and forts and battleships, and about going
abroad, until I thought he was getting nutty.
One day he called me up to our room in the hotel and after locking
the door, and plugging up the keyhole with chewed paper he said:
“Now, Hennery, I want you to listen right out loud. The government
has given me an appointment to travel over the world and get
information about air ships, divagable balloons, and everything that
will help our government to know what other governments are doing
in inventing things to be used in case of war. I am to be the Billy
Pinkerton of the War Department and shall have to spy in other
governments, and I am to be the traveling diplomat of the
government, and jolly all nations, and find out how things are running
everywhere.
“You will have to stay home this time because you would be a dead
give away, so I will send you to a nice orphan home where you will
be taught to work, and where guards will keep you on the inside of
the fence, and put you to bed in a straight jacket if you play any of
your jokes, see?” and Pa gave me a ticket to an orphans’ home, and
a letter of introduction to the matron and the next day I was an
inmate, with all the degrees coming to me. What do you think of that,
and Pa on the ocean, with a government commission in his pocket?
Gee, but my ideas of an orphans’ home got a shock when I arrived
at the station where the orphans’ home was located. I thought there
would be a carriage at the train to meet me, and a nice lady dressed
in white with a cap on her head, to take me in her arms and hug me,
and say, “Poor little boy, I will be a sister to you,” but there was no
reception committee, and I had to walk a mile with my telescope
valise, and when I found the place and went in the door, to present
my letter to the matron, a man with a scar on his face, and one eye
gone, met me and looked over my papers, and went, one eye on me,
and called an assistant private and told him to take me and give me
the first or entered apprentice degree.

Gee, My Ideas of an Orphan Home Got a Shock.

The private took me by the wrist and gave me a jerk and landed me
in the laundry, and told me to strip off, and when I had removed my
clothes and folded them and laid them on a table, he took the clothes
away from me, and then told me to climb into a laundry tub, and he
turned cold water on me and gave me a bar of yellow laundry soap,
and after I had lathered myself he took a scrubbing brush, such as
floors are scrubbed with, and proceeded in one full swoop to peel the
hide off of me with a rough crash towel till you could see my veins
and arteries, and inside works as well as though you had used X-
rays, and when I was ready to die and wanted to, I yelled murder,
and he put his hand over my mouth so hard that he loosened my
front teeth, and I guess I died right there or fainted, for when I came
to, and thought the resurrection morning, that they used to tell me
about in the Sunday School, had come. I found myself dressed in a
sort of combination shirt and drawers, like a bunny nightie, made of
old saddle blankets, and he told me that was the uniform of the
orphanage and that I could go out and play for fifteen minutes, after
which the bell would ring and I could go from play to work. Gosh, but
I was glad to get out doors, but when I began to breathe the fresh air,
and scratch myself where the saddle blanket clothes pricked me,
about fifty boys, who were evidently sophomores in the orphanage,
came along, and made a rush for me, to haze me as a freshman.
Well, they didn’t do a thing to me. They tied a rope around one
ankle, and threw the rope over a limb, and pulled me off the ground,
and danced a war dance around me and run thistles up my trouser’s
legs, and spanked me with a board with slivers in it, and let me down
and walked over me in a procession, singing “There’ll be a hot time
in the old town to-night.” I laughed all the time, because that is the
way freshmen do in college when they are being murdered, and I
thought my new associates would like me better if I died game. Just
before I died game the bell rang, and the one eyed pirate and his
chief of staff came out and said we would go to work, and the boys
were divided into squads and put to work, some husking corn, others
sweeping up dead leaves, others milking cows, and doing everything
necessary around a farm.
Before I was set to work I had a few minutes of silent reflection, and I
thought of my changed condition from my porcelain lined bath tub
with warm water and soft towels, to that bath in the laundry, and the
skinning process of preparing a boy for a better life.

The Way Freshmen Do in College When They’re Being

Murdered.

Then what do you suppose they set me to work at? Skinning bull
heads and taking out the insides. It seems the boys catch bull heads
in a pond, and the bull heads are used for human food, and the
freshest boys were to dress them. Well, I wasn’t going to kick on
anything they gave me for a stunt, so I put on an apron, and for four
hours I skinned and cut open bull heads in a crude sort of way, until I
was so sick I couldn’t protect myself from the assaults of the live bull
heads, and the cook said I done the job so well that she would ask to
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