What is
stonewalling?
If conflict erupts, communication breaks down, and you feel like
you’re being ignored, then you might be dealing with stonewalling.
But there is a way to have a connection breakthrough…
Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid
I
magine you and your partner talk to you, give you the silent to allow them to articulate a
have agreed to be a little treatment, refuse to discuss their response, but stonewalling has an
more frugal with your money emotions, shut down, or leave undeniably destructive impact on
to save for a new home. A few the conversation entirely, without relationships.
days later, your partner forks out any effort to circle back once When used deliberately,
a big chunk of cash on a designer they’ve gathered their thoughts. stonewalling can lean towards
watch and, understandably, And, look, taking time away to abuse, with the perpetrator
you want to discuss how this process in private is fine, but claiming neutrality as a way
purchase impacts your shared stonewalling is different because to gaslight their partner and
finances. When you approach it shuts down any possibility of maintain power. Marriage
the subject, they don’t respond. returning to the conversation. researcher and psychologist John
When you push them further, Gottman, PhD, found that 85% of
they leave the room, and refuse Why do people those who stonewall are men, but
to talk to you for days. stonewall you? women can also demonstrate the
Something that could have been People who stonewall aren’t same behaviours. “Whatever the
an open discussion has now always doing so intentionally. root cause of the issue,” says Tini,
become an elephant in the room, “Your partner may have learned “it doesn’t negate the harm this
and to make things worse, you’re this technique as a child as a can cause.”
left feeling as though you caused method of peacekeeping, a
the conflict by bringing it up in defence mechanism, or copied it The impact on
the first place. The relationship from a parent,” says Tini Riese, relationships
becomes fractured, and you feel a neurodevelopmental specialist Trying to avoid an argument
isolated and unseen as a result practitioner at Harley Row Clinic. might seem like a reasonable goal
of being denied the opportunity They may feel so flooded with for someone in a relationship,
to have a helpful conversation. emotion during an argument that but stonewalling can lead to
You’ve been stonewalled. they don’t know how to respond, more conflict in the long term.
using avoidance as a way to The lack of communication
What is stonewalling? retreat from uncomfortable creates unnecessary distance
When someone is stonewalling, conversations. Everyone has their between partners, which can
they are choosing not to engage own way of communicating, create a disconnect, and a lack
in a discussion. They may avoid and yes, some people need time of emotional intimacy. When
eye contact, act too busy to to privately process emotions stonewalling becomes a common
14 | Issue 86 | happiful.com
relationships
Taking time away to
process in private is fine,
but stonewalling is different
because it shuts down any
possibility of returning to
the conversation
behaviour, the list of unresolved As a result, the person on the How to handle
issues accumulate, which creates receiving end will feel dismissed being stonewalled
a build-up of tension and makes and confused. If the person Don’t accept stonewalling as
communication more heated. stonewalling makes a habit of a behaviour that you simply
Think of it this way: when cutting off communication or have to put up with. It’s entirely
you don’t get the chance to fleeing the relationship, the reasonable to expect a partner to
express your concern over person affected may act out of engage in difficult conversations
the expensive designer watch desperation to find a sense of with you. With that said, when
purchase, it’s likely your safety, doing anything to restore you notice the stonewalling
partner will continue to behave the connection. This can lead to has started there is no sense
in ways that contradict the resentment, as they continually in continuing to push them
money-saving plan you made abandon their own needs to keep into talking. At that point, it’s
together. Without ongoing the peace. Without addressing important not to retaliate with
communication, this is certain the lack of communication, the aggressive language, or ‘give as
to lead to further conflict, and stonewaller will never learn to good as you get’ by counteracting
even more stonewalling. regulate their emotions effectively. with the silent treatment. >>>
happiful.com | Issue 86 | 15
the positive qualities you admire
in your partner by saying things
like: “You’re a really good listener,
it makes me feel loved.”
Instead of insisting they act
differently, make an effort to
understand their point of view,
and the deeper reasons behind
their conflict avoidance. “Being
clear and factual, giving them
The solution lies in better Having a neurodiverse time to process the information,
communication, not forcing partner can add complexity not putting pressure to answer
them to change. to the situation. People immediately, and agreeing
Halt the discussion and give with ADHD may struggle to alternative modes of
your partner space. If possible, to talk when emotionally communication, may reduce
agree on a specific date and time overwhelmed, and autistic shutdowns and becoming
when you’ll both come together partners may shut down defensive,” says Tini. “This advice
to pick up the conversation more completely. When they’re in could apply to a neurotypical
calmly. Use this time away to take a calm state, ask how they partner as well, depending on
care of your own mental health, want you to handle difficult their unique character.”
by practising self-soothing situations and come up with If stonewalling continues, ask
behaviours such as journaling, a plan of action together. For them to consider speaking to a
exercising, or spending time on example, you might agree trained therapist. The cause of
your hobbies. The conversation to discuss certain topics in a stonewalling may be so deeply
will likely flow more easily and safe place, or use text/email rooted that they may need
with fewer defensive behaviours instead of in person. support to find new ways to
if you both take steps to regulate their emotions. The
emotionally regulate. safety of a therapist’s office will
Be clear and let them know Improving give you both space to explore
that you want to work through communication your needs, and learn the best
the conflict in partnership. Tossing around accusations is way to communicate. Above
Acknowledge that all a recipe for further conflict. all, focus on finding solutions
relationships go through rough Try initiating conversation together, rather than winning
patches, but that you’re willing to using ‘I’ statements, like: “I felt an argument and, with mutual
do the work to find a resolution hurt when you ignored my text effort, you can heal the hurt and
as a team. messages.” Focus on reinforcing reconnect on a deeper level.
16 | Issue 86 | happiful.com
