Reading Guide:

It’s Not You:

Identifying and Healing from
Narcissistic People

By Dr. Ramani Durvasula

 It's Not You:
Identifying and Healing from
Narcissistic People
Reading Guide

By Dr. Ramani Durvasula

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA

Education, Training & Consultation, LLC

All rights reserved. No part of this workbook may be

reproduced or used in any manner without written permission
of the copyright owner. For more information, email:
[email protected]

FIRST EDITION

www.doctor-ramani.com
[email protected]

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 Table of Contents

Part I: The Narcissistic Relationship.

Chapters 1-3............................................................................................................................................................... 5
.
Part II: Recognition, Recovery, Healing, and Growth

Chapter 4: Understand your Backstory.............................................................................................. 13

Chapter 5: Embrace Radical Acceptance......................................................................................... 19

Chapter 6: Grief and Healing from Narcissistic Relationships.......................................... 30

Chapter 7: Become More Narcissist Resistant............................................................................. 37

Chapter 8: Heal and Grow When You Stay..................................................................................... 39

Chapter 9: Rewrite Your Story................................................................................................................. 45

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 4

Part I
The Narcissistic
Relationship

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 5

Chapters 1-3

Clarifying Narcissism,
Death by a Thousand Cuts,
& The Fallout

The personality susceptible to the dream of limitless

freedom is a personality also prone, should the dream
ever sour, to misanthropy and rage.
- Jonathan Franzen

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 6

Journal Prompt 1
Myths You Believed
There are several myths about narcissism discussed in the book such as “they are
always men” or “it’s just arrogance” – which of these myths did you believe were
true?

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 7

Journal Prompt 2:
The Narcissistic Relationship Cycle
The narcissistic relationship follows a cycle: love bombing, devaluing, discarding,
hoovering.

This can happen over time, some cycles may repeat, you may experience all of the
pieces of the cycle in single day, and some parts of the cycle may not show up (for
example hoovering, or the love bombing wasn’t that “bomb-y”).

How has this cycle showed up in close relationships with narcissistic people in
your life? Have you experienced this in a range of relationships or just intimate
relationships? Was there ever a relationship where you weren’t “hoovered”? How
did that feel?

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 8

Journal Prompt 3:
Trauma Bonding
Trauma bonding is a central dynamic to understanding narcissistic relationships -
and underlies the psychological sense of “stuckness” and even panic when we
think about setting boundaries or ending the relationship. It can drive the
justifications and the excuses and the confusion. Trauma bonding can also feel
different depending on whether it began in childhood, didn’t happen for the first
time until adulthood, or has been a part of both childhood and adult relationships.

Does this framework of trauma bonding help you make better sense of why these
relationships are so difficult to navigate and heal from? Have you experienced
trauma bonded relationships at different times of your life and did they feel
different? Does this framework help you understand why people get stuck in
unhealthy relationships?

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 9

Journal Prompt 4:
Trauma Bonding Patterns
How many of the trauma bonded patterns listed in the book are relevant to you?

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 10

Journal Prompt 5:
Standing Your Ground
When we think about the “phases” of narcissistic abuse – standing your ground,
asking yourself “what am I doing wrong,” and hopelessness – it can be useful to
remember that there was likely a time that you did stand your ground but
ultimately fell into wondering whether you were to blame.

Do you remember that transition in any of your relationships? Is there something

you can learn from that moment that may be able to help you with your healing
and also to support your own discernment in future relationships.

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 11

Journal Prompt 6:
Do You Feel That The Conversation
About Narcissism Mean Spirited?
Some people think this conversation about “narcissism” is mean spirited, and that
maybe we need to be more patient with the narcissistic person.

Have you ever taken that stance with someone who implied their partner or family
member, or friend may be narcissistic. Has the book shifted your beliefs?

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 12

Part II
Recognition, Recovery,
Healing, and Growth

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 13

Chapter 4
Understand Your
Backstory

She had an inside and an outside now and suddenly

she knew how not to mix them.
- Zora Neale Hurston

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 14

Journal Prompt 1:
Self-Blame
As Dr. Ramani explains, and as the book’s title emphasizes, you are not to blame
for a narcissistic person’s behavior. Yet, for several complex reasons, we do feel as
though we are to blame, feel responsible, and even justify when someone whom
we believed loves us, hurts us, and fails to take accountability.

Why did you blame yourself for their behavior? What function did that self-blame
serve?

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 15

Journal Prompt 2:
Qualities That Make
You Vulnerable
All of us are vulnerable to entering a narcissistic relationship (the C-suite!) but our
different histories and ways of going through the world may make us differently
vulnerable to getting stuck. These histories and qualities included being a very
empathic person, a person who tends to rescue or “fix”, optimistic, a forgiver,
having narcissistic/antagonistic or invalidating parents, coming from a happy
family, meeting the narcissistic person during a time of difficult transitions, feeling
“rushed” when you meet the narcissistic person, or having a history of trauma,
betrayal or significant loss. The more of these you have, the greater the
vulnerabilities to self-doubt, self-blame, and trauma bonding.

How many of these are true for you and how did they play a role in you getting
into a narcissistic relationship?

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 16

Journal Prompt 3:
Your Strengths
Narcissistic relationships are a test of survival, and as a result many of you have
lost sight of your strengths. These relationships can make even thinking about, let
alone sharing our strengths a perilous experience. Healing means dusting that
awareness off and being in possession of your strengths.

What are yours? Have you developed new ones as a result of being in the
narcissistic relationship?

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 17

Journal Prompt 4:
The Skill of Discernment
Discernment is a key healing skill. It means giving space to your feelings, intuition,
and body. It also means trusting yourself and giving yourself permission to slow
down. Discernment is an essential element of narcissist resistance, the capacity to
not engage with a gaslighter or a narcissistic person early on – but it’s not easy.

What would it feel like to say “I think we are having different experiences” or “I
don’t agree” to someone who is gaslighting you and doubting you in fundamental
ways?

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 18

Journal Prompt 5:
Seeing People Close to You Through
the Framework of Narcissism
Do you feel a sense of resistance at seeing people close to you – partner, family,
friends - through the framework of narcissism? Even if their patterns are clearly
consistent with this personality style? What are the internal barriers you may have
experienced in even considering that significant people in your life may be
narcissistic?

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 19

Chapter 5
Embrace Radical
Acceptance

Pain reaches the heart with electrical speed, but truth

moves to the heart as slowly as a glacier.
- Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 20

Journal Prompt 1:
The Idea Narcissists Can’t Change
Dr. Ramani makes the uncomfortable assertion that narcissistic people don’t really
change.

How did it feel to read that? Had you already accepted that before reading the
book or was this the first time you were learning this?

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 21

Journal Prompt 2:
Rumination is a Core Pattern
Rumination is a core pattern in narcissistic relationships – the grinding and
obsessive thoughts about the relationship, which is often a puzzle that cannot be
solved.

How did rumination reveal itself in your process of healing? Does it continue to
affect you? How do you cope with it?

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 22

Journal Prompt 3:
Barriers to Radical Acceptance
Radical acceptance means sliding into a new reality and a new way of seeing the
world. But seeing this means giving up the status quo, old narratives, and long held
hopes.

What were the greatest barriers to radical acceptance for you?

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 23

Journal Prompt 4:
Don’t Burn Your Umbrellas
“Don’t Burn Your Umbrellas” is a catchphrase in the book – it captures the
relaxation and settling in we may experience in a narcissistic relationship when
there is a stretch of good days.

What did this statement mean to you? Did it have relevance for your experience in
a narcissistic relationship? What happened when you did “burn your umbrellas?”

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 24

Journal Prompt 5:
Entering the Tiger’s Cage
Then there is “entering the tiger’s cage” – a different way of thinking about our
need to “go back in” and test our resistance to radical acceptance, or to figure out
if we were wrong. Everyone enters the tiger’s cage in these relationships.

What propelled you back in? What were you hoping to find? And how did it feel
when what was in the cage, was indeed a tiger?

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 25

Journal Prompt 6:
Accepting but Not Agreeing
Radical acceptance is about accepting, but not agreeing or signing off on the
behavior in the relationship. Many people have the misconception that radical
acceptance means that you are giving in or giving up.

Does this differentiation – accepting but not consenting or agreeing – help with the
process of radical acceptance? Did this shift your beliefs about what radical
acceptance is?

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 26

Journal Prompt 7:
The Ick List
Thinking about all the bad things that happened in a narcissistic relationship is
difficult enough but writing them down can be a whole other level. However, if you
are struggling with radical acceptance – that “Ick list” becomes essential.

If you did try it – what did it feel like to write it out?

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 27

Journal Prompt 8:
Multiple Truths
When we think about narcissism and narcissistic relationships we often tend to
think about it as black and white – narcissist or not a narcissist, healed or
struggling, good or bad. But it’s not that simple. The art of “stacking multiple truths”
is one of the most impactful in the book. It gets to the core of the complexity, and
as the radical acceptance sets in, allows you to see the relationship more clearly.
While the “ick list” focuses you on the bad stuff to facilitate the clarity, the multiple
truths exercise reminds you may still have complicated feelings about the
narcissistic relationship - but that doesn’t mean you cannot heal and disengage.

How did the multiple truths exercise feel? Did it bring you to greater self-
compassion or create more confusion?

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 28

Journal Prompt 9:
Radical Acceptance of Yourself
Radical acceptance isn’t just about accepting the probability that this relationship
is not going to change, but also that healing will be difficult, and that their biting
words and invalidating behavior will continue to hurt. However, the hardest work is
around radical acceptance of ourselves, which means digging into who we
actually are.

The questions to explore include: What do I like about myself? What don’t I like
about myself but really can’t or don’t want to change? What don’t I like about
myself and can change? What am I about? What matters to me? How did it feel to
reflect on the answers about these questions? Do you feel there was ever a time
when you did know the answers to these questions but that they got lost in the
confusion of the narcissistic relationship?

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 29

Journal Prompt 10:

Healing is More Important than Leaving
“Healing is more important than leaving” was part of the chapter on “Healing if you
Stay.” Radical acceptance and realistic expectations take on a very different tenor
when we think about having to keep enduring the relationship – but they also shift
the lens on how you experience the relationship.

Think about the path forward to healing in the relationships where significant
disengagement or ending the relationship is not possible or is simply something
that you do not want.

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 30

Chapter 6
Grief and Healing from
Narcissistic Relationships

Healing doesn’t mean the loss didn’t happen. It means

that it no longer controls us.
- David Kessler

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 31

Journal Prompt 1:
Blocks to Grieving
Grief is not just a feeling, but a process, and it is not a process we can rush or
subvert. But it’s not comfortable and there can be many blocks to grieving.

Which of the following blocks did you experience and how did that affect your
healing: staying busy and distracted, using drugs or alcohol, turning to food,
spending money/shopping, denying the reality of the situation, not expressing
your feelings, trying to maintain false positivity, excessively using social media,
engaging with people who are still in regular contact with the narcissistic person,
trying to turn your pain into healing others very quickly, blaming yourself.

Which of these were blocks to your process of grief? Were there other blocks
specific to you that are not mentioned here?

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 32

Journal Prompt 2:
Recovering from the Lie
The process of “recovering from the lie” can leave you feeling bewildered about
your own past – looking at old photographs and wondering if your smiles or even
your memories were real. Photos can feel like a blessing and a curse.

When you look at old memories – can you differentiate the moment in the photo
for example, from what the truth which would be revealed later in the relationship
was? Or do you see how you were able to smile through the pain when the
problems of the relationship were already clear?

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 33

Journal Prompt 3:
Barriers to Navigating Your Mental Health
What are the greatest barriers you face as you navigate your mental health while
also managing the grief of a narcissistic relationship?

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 34

Journal Prompt 4:
Different Types of Grief
Think about the “traditional” or “normalized” grief experiences you have had. Most
often this is because someone died.

Journal about differences in the grief around someone dying compared to the
grief you may be experiencing around narcissistic abuse.

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 35

Journal Prompt 5:
The Things You Most Grieve
If your narcissistic relationship or relationships are over, what are the things you
most grieve about it? What did you lose? What did you never get to have? If you
are still in the narcissistic relationship or relationships, what are the things you are
grieving as a result of being or staying in this relationship?

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 36

Journal Prompt 6:
Anticipatory Grief
If you are still in a narcissistic relationship, is anticipatory grief a factor that is
holding you back from leaving or from healing? Or if you have already left the
relationship, was this a factor that delayed your decision to leave?

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 37

Chapter 7
Become More
Narcissist Resistant

There is nothing like returning to a place that

remains unchanged to find ways in which
you yourself have altered.
- Nelson Mandela

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 38

Journal Prompt 1:
The 4 Fs and Your Sympathetic
Neervous System
Our sympathetic nervous system mobilizes us at times of threat – and it works
well. The challenge is that is like an overzealous security system – it sets off the
alarm even when there is not a real threat (like when a moth flies by your motion
detector). However, it holds ancient threats for us – the parent who would withhold
when we expressed a need, the uncertainty of a caregiver’s rage, the sense that a
person can abandon you at any time without explanation (for example if a parent
walked out). Those were real threats when you were a child and are held in your
body so when something that resembles these threats show up in adulthood (a
yelling boss, an angry partner) – the alarms go off. And this can show up in
different ways – fight, flight, freeze, fawn/submit.

How do these responses show up for you at times that feel threatening – for
example conflict, betrayal, even a facial expression? How do you talk to yourself at
such times? Does it help to recognize that you can reach in, be curious, and
instead of feeling overwhelmed, understand what your SNS is trying to do?

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 39

Chapter 8
Heal and Grow
When You Stay

Things do not change; we change.

- Henry David Thoreau

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 40

Journal Prompt 1:
Protecting Yourself While Still in a
Narcissistic Relationship
You don’t have to leave a narcissistic relationship to start healing and protecting
yourself, and the reality is that many of us simply aren’t able to. Some of us have a
narcissistic co-parent in our child’s lives or are not financially able to leave a
narcissistic relationship, or need the job with narcissistic colleagues to make ends
meet or feel a sense of duty and obligation where elderly parents are involved.

What are ways you can protect yourself and start recovering your sense of self
while in a narcissistic situation?

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 41

Journal Prompt 2:
Which Contact Strategy
Has Worked Best for You?
There are many ways to approach contact and engagement (or lack thereof) in a
narcissistic relationship – these include no contact, firewalling, gray rock, yellow
rock.

Which have worked best for you? Which have not worked or are simply not an
option?

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 42

Journal Prompt 3:
Not Being Able to Go “No Contact”
The simple advice that is often offered by online “advice givers” to many people is
to “go no contact” if the relationship is so toxic. But that is an option that is simply
not available to many people.

Have you ever felt a sense of shame or hopelessness because you were unable to
go no contact – including for practical reasons? How does it feel to know that
while no contact is one option, that it isn’t necessary for healing?

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 43

Journal Prompt 4:
Don’t Go DEEP
Don’t Go DEEP is a central strategy for managing narcissistic relationships – it’s the
idea that once you start getting too deep into it with them then gaslighting, and
confusion and general psychological mayhem will ensue. It is a systematic method
of disengagement.

Have you tried it? Have you already been doing it without realizing it? Not going
“DEEP” can also raise grief because it re-affirms the radical acceptance – and puts
into starker focus that this relationship is in fact very superficial and shallow – did
the use or recognition of the need for this technique bring up emotions?

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 44

Journal Prompt 5:
Your True North
Your True North is that person, belief, ideology, issue, that you may be willing to
take the fight for – instead of taking every fight, you curate them and perhaps only
get into it with them if for example it is your child, pet, religion, or values.

What or who is your true north? Have you already been taking the fight for it or
them? Has identifying your true north(s) helped you recognize when you will take
the exhausting “fight” with the narcissistic people or systems in your life?

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 45

Chapter 9
Rewrite Your Story

We tell ourselves stories in order to live.

- Joan Didion

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 46

Journal Prompt 1:
The Tale Of The Lion
Taking on the tale of the lion means finally telling the story from the point of view
of the hunted – rather than the constant positioning of these stories from the point
of view of the narcissistic person (the hunter).

What would it mean to start seeing your story separate from the narcissistic
person?

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 47

Journal Prompt 2:
Reshaping Your Narrative
Healing is about reshaping a narrative -instead of – I can’t believe I stuck around so
long and couldn’t see it, a reframe would be I was able to raise children and keep
life going despite the mistreatment that occurred in this relationship.
Experimenting with that- and revising these “paragraphs” in your story can position
your story and subsequently your identity and experience quite differently.

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 48

Journal Prompt 3:
Healing Without Closure
Is healing possible in the absence of closure? That’s a big question many survivors
of these relationships face. There is rarely the moment of “this is why this
happened” or the narcissistic person being accountable or taking any
responsibility. How does lack of closure impact your healing?

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 49

Journal Prompt 4:
The Hero’s Journey
The “hero’s journey” template is evoked in the book – and may be a way to think
about how to approach healing. There is a call to change, the initiation of the
journey and “leaving home”, the demons, the fellow travelers, and the changed
self returning “home”.

It means asking yourself questions including: What was your call to start your
healing process/ journey? Who walked alongside you for part or all of it? What
was happening when you almost gave up? What did it mean to “return home”?
Taking time with this and what this looks like can contextualize the difficult parts of
healing when you feel like giving up, and it can also give you a different type of
frame for the setbacks, and the triumphs. We often don’t think our “ordinary
stories” are on par with Ulysses or Frodo – but once you take away the bells and
whistles of the big hero’s journeys – we are left with stories of leaving what is
familiar, facing things that scare us, trusting the kindness and guidance of others,
and finding our true selves, forever changed.

Copyright © 2024 by Dr. Ramani Durvasula & LUNA ETC, LLC

 50

Dr. Ramani Durvasula

About The Author
Dr. Ramani Durvasula is a licensed clinical psychologist in Los Angeles,
CA, Professor Emerita of Psychology at California State University, Los
Angeles, and the Founder and CEO of LUNA Education, Training &
Consulting, a company focused on educating individuals, clinicians and
businesses/institutions on the impact of narcissistic personality styles.
She received her BA from the University of Connecticut, and her MA
and Ph.D. from UCLA, and completed her clinical training at the UCLA
Neuropsychiatric Institute. She is an author of multiple books including
It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People (February
2024), Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship with a
Narcissist, and "Don't You Know Who I Am?": How to Stay Sane in an Era
of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility. Dr. Durvasula is a faculty
member for the APA Leadership Institute for Women in Psychology,
and a consulting editor for the journal Behavioral Medicine, and her
academic research was focused on the impact of personality and
personality disorders on health and behavior. She has spoken widely on
the impact of narcissism on mental health, relationships and the
workplace. She also operates a popular YouTube channel and podcast
(Navigating Narcissism). Dr. Durvasula has also developed an
educational and certification program for clinicians working with clients
experiencing the fallout of narcissistic relationships.