Learner Guide

LEARNER GUIDE
More than thirty years ago, a small group of academics and consultants gathered in a
Volkswagen van to talk about a dream of changing the world. From that conversation, they
formed a partnership and built a training company. Over the years, the name has changed,
but the vision has always been the same:
• We believe in a world where all human beings can be great at being human.
• We know that with the right skills, everyone can learn to behave in ways that make
their lives, their families, their organizations, and our world better.
• We are driven to find those crucial skills and share them with people in ways that
make a difference.
It is this vision that drives all of us at Crucial Learning (formerly VitalSmarts). We are
honored and grateful that you have engaged with us on this journey. We know that when you
begin to use the skills you have learned in Crucial Conversations for Mastering Dialogue, you
will forge deeper connections and build better relationships and communities.
As an alumnus of a Crucial Learning course, you are part of a group over two million
strong. In addition to improved dialogue skills, Crucial Learning alum also have gained
skills to:
Hold others accountable in ways that

foster collaboration and growth.
Manage their workflow and

responsibilities with reduced stress
and increased engagement.
Drive sustainable change in

organizations and communities.
Achieve their potential through

eliminating bad habits and hardwiring
good ones.
Crucial Learning courses are delivering on a promise made three decades ago. We believe
there is greatness within all of us. We hope the skills you learn help you unlock and
express the greatness within you.
Welcome to Crucial
Conversations for
Mastering Dialogue
THIS LEARNER GUIDE IS THE PROPERTY OF:
In this course, you will learn:
• What to do before a Crucial Conversation to:
• Spot the Crucial Conversations that are keeping you from what you want.
• Keep your strong emotions from taking control of the conversation.
• Create emotions that will bring you into dialogue.
• What to do during a Crucial Conversation to:
• Stay focused on what you really want.

• Start a conversation with respect and honesty.
• Talk to almost anyone about almost anything.
• Notice the subtle and not-so-subtle signs that you and others are not in dialogue.
• Find common ground, even when it seems impossible.
• Listen actively and help others add their meaning to the pool.
• What to do at the end of a Crucial Conversation to:
• Turn a Crucial Conversation into action and results.
©2021 VitalSmarts, LC, DBA Crucial Learning. All rights reserved. This learner guide is for individual use only
and shall not be reused, resold, shared, made publicly available, used to create derivative material, or copied.
By receiving this learner guide, you agree to comply with these requirements. Crucial Conversations and other
trademarks and service marks found herein are owned by VitalSmarts, LC, DBA Crucial Learning.
HOW TO SPOT THE
Get Unstuck CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS

THAT ARE KEEPING YOU
FROM WHAT YOU WANT
BEFORE
Get Unstuck
Master My Stories
SILE N CE
SAFETY
DURING
POOL OF
MY MEANING SHARED THEIR MEANING
Start with Heart
MEANING Learn to Look
State My Path Seek Mutual Purpose
Make It Safe SAFETY Explore Others’ Paths
VE CE
RBA
L VI O L E N
Move to Action
AT THE END
©2021 VitalSmarts, LC. All rights reserved. This Learner Guide is licensed
for individual use only and cannot be used otherwise without permission. Get Unstuck | 1
WHAT MAKES A CONVERSATION CRUCIAL?
ST
ION
RO
PIN
NG
GO
EM
SIN
CRUCIAL
OT
ION
PO
CONVERSATIONS®
OP
S
HIGH STAKES
Conversations turn crucial when three elements are present:

Opposing Opinions
It doesn’t get crucial when we all agree.
High Stakes
Something you care about is at risk—your job, a project’s or a team’s success,
relationships you care about, etc.
Strong Emotions
You feel defensive, frustrated, set up, attacked, unheard, etc.
You can think of Crucial Conversations as a type of crossroads—depending on how you

handle them, they can make things better . . . or worse.
After years of research, we found that we could predict whether a person would achieve
stellar results or not by watching them just a few minutes a day. Crucial Conversations
profoundly affect so many of the outcomes we care about—like projects, teamwork,
quality, safety, diversity, and even the happiness and duration of our relationships.
Exercise
WHAT ARE YOUR CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS?
Instructions
Review the list of examples. Which items from the list are common to you? What are some
examples that are common to you but are not on the list?
Professional
• People’s best ideas aren’t being heard and implemented.
• You aren’t given the resources you need to complete your objectives.
• You have a hard time saying no, even when you have too much on your plate.
• You continue to be at odds with other departments about strategy, plans, and
resources.
• You are struggling to foster an inclusive and diverse workplace.
Personal
• You and your spouse/partner disagree about how to divide household
responsibilities (e.g., cleaning, finances, children, etc.).
• You and your neighbors are at odds.
• You disagree on politics or social issues with people you care about, and this is
straining your relationships.
• Your conversations with your kids always turn into a fight; you struggle to connect
with them.
• You continue to disagree with your aging parents on their future plans.
Discuss with your group:

• What are your common Crucial Conversations?
• How do these conversations impact you and/or your organization?
Anytime you find yourself
stuck, there’s likely a Crucial
Conversation you’re either not
holding or not holding well.
You have not converted a man
because you have silenced him.
JOHN MORLEY
CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS INSIGHT:

SILENCE AND VERBAL VIOLENCE EXPLAINED
The irony of Crucial Conversations is that when it matters most, we are often at our worst.
Instead of stepping up and being our best selves when the stakes are high, we often
respond in unproductive ways.
We tend to make a “fool’s choice.” We foolishly convince ourselves that we have to choose
between honesty and respect or candor and kindness. We don’t even consider the option
of achieving both.
Why do we get trapped in this either/or thinking? Because our bodies and our brains
are literally designed for it. When a conversation turns crucial and those emotions
come into play, we often feel threatened, which triggers a very particular biological
response. Adrenaline is introduced into our system, blood flow to our major muscle
groups increases, and the logic and reasoning centers of our brain begin to shut down.
Now, this is an excellent response if you’re wandering through the woods and a predator
is threatening to eat you for breakfast. But it’s the exact wrong response to a complex
interpersonal interaction—you know, like a Crucial Conversation. Our fight-or-flight
response is triggered, and we tend to respond in two ineffective ways.
First: We move to silence.

We bite our tongue, withhold our valuable
insights, or accept the unacceptable, saying SILE N C E
yes when inside we are screaming no.
SAFETY
Second: We move to verbal violence—

the opposite end of the spectrum.
We control, interrupt, lash out, and become POOL OF
insulting in an effort to compel others to SHARED
see things from our point of view.
MEANING
Both strategies reliably lead to poor
results and strained relationships. In fact,
the more time we spend in silence or SAFETY
VE CE
verbal violence in these conversations, the RBA
L VI O L E N
more likely problems are to persist and
even get worse.
SILENCE DIALOGUE VERBAL

VIOLENCE
WHY THE TERM “VERBAL VIOLENCE”?
For more than thirty years, we have been teaching people that, when faced with Crucial
Conversations, our responses fall along a communication continuum, where dialogue is in
the middle and silence and violence are at either ineffective extreme. While the rhyming
terms are hopefully easy to remember, that is not our primary reason for using them.
Instead, we use them because we believe they accurately and appropriately reflect the
concepts we want to convey.
Over the years, some people have expressed a valid concern about the term violence.
In response to their input, we now use the term “verbal violence” to differentiate it from
physical violence. But why, you might wonder, do we keep using the term violence at all?
Two Reasons
First, we believe that words have the power to inflict harm. At the extreme, those who
have suffered verbal and emotional abuse or harassment know how damaging and
debilitating words can be. Words have the power to shape how we think and feel about
ourselves, others, and our relationships. That power can be wielded in destructive and
damaging ways. We use the term “verbal violence” because we believe words have power
to cause real harm.
Second, we believe that words have the power to incite. At times, words can be used to
incite physical violence. At other times, verbal violence precedes physical violence.
Our intention in using the term “verbal violence” is not to diminish the devastating impact of
physical violence. Rather, we want to acknowledge and spark conversation about the ways
verbal and other nonphysical harassment and abuse are forms of violence against others.
PROBLEM
When it matters most, we often do our worst—we either don’t hold
conversations, or we don’t hold them well.
SOLUTION
Learn to identify and hold the Crucial Conversations key to
organizational, team, and interpersonal success.
Our lives begin to end the day we become
silent about things that matter.
MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.
Exercise
IDENTIFY A CRUCIAL CONVERSATION
This course is about real life—your life. To get the most value from it, you’ll identify a
Crucial Conversation you need to hold and then prepare to hold it. We call this your
“Starter Conversation” because it is the first of many conversations you will hold using
these new skills. Throughout the course, you’ll return to this conversation and reflect on
how you can use the skills you learn to hold this conversation.
Follow the instructions below to choose your Starter Conversation.

1. Consider the following questions: What poor results would you like to improve? What
relationship do you want to improve? What do you regularly find yourself complaining
about at home or work? What are some high-stakes situations in which you disagree
with a decision that is being made?
Write down two to three conversations that come to mind, that you could have, related to
these questions. Record what each conversation is about and who it involves.
2. Look at the handful of conversations you identified above and choose one that
you’d like to work on during the course—your Starter Conversation. Choose the
conversation you are going to focus on. You might choose the most consequential
conversation on the list, or you might choose to start with a conversation that is
important but feels more “doable.” Circle the conversation above or write it in the
space below.
Skill
UNBUNDLE
WITH CPR
When it comes to Crucial Conversations, we often choose the wrong

conversation. To help us unbundle complex issues and choose the
right conversation, we need to think CPR.
C ontent
A single instance of a problem; the action itself or its
immediate consequences are the issue.
P attern
A recurring problem—a pattern of behavior over time.
R elationship
How the problem affects your working relationship—e.g., trust
is suffering or competence is in question.
Exercise
WHAT WOULD YOU TALK ABOUT?
Instructions
You’ve recently been assigned an additional person to your project team. You’ve worked
with them in the past, but they haven’t been too reliable. You’d give them an assignment,
they’d agree to do it and say they were on track when you’d check in with them, but then
they’d miss the due date on their deliverables.
You’ve tried to talk to them about this before, but they’re pretty funny and use humor to
get out of conversations they find uncomfortable (especially when it’s negative feedback).
This person has just missed their latest deadline and is trying to joke their way out of it
over email.
What are the content issues?
What are the pattern issues?
What are the relationship issues?
What’s the right conversation for you to have with this person?
CRUCIAL TIP
When addressing a relationship issue, try addressing the content and pattern issues as factual
illustrations of why you see a concern about the relationship.
Most persistent, resistant
problems are caused
by a failure to address
issues at the pattern or
relationship level.
Content
Pattern
Relationship
Get Unstuck | 10
Big Ideas
GET UNSTUCK Want More?
If you want to learn more about this topic, check out
these additional resources:
1.
Read These Chapters
Anytime you find yourself Read more about understanding Crucial
stuck, there’s likely a Conversations in Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking
When Stakes Are High.
Crucial Conversation
• For the second edition, read chapters 1 and 2.
you’re either not holding • For the third edition, read chapters 1 and 2.
(silence) or not holding
Watch This Video
well (verbal violence).
Enjoy this ten-minute talk from Master
2.
Trainer Justin Hale on how we can leverage Crucial
Refuse the Fool’s Choice. Conversations to get unstuck, improving our results and
You can be 100% candid our relationships. (https://youtu.be/gf3CDD6q1aw)
AND 100% respectful. Read This Advice
3.
Read this Crucial Skills article on how to use
Use CPR (Content, Pattern, CPR in real-life conversations: “Using CPR.” Is
there a practical way for frontline supervisors to use
Relationship) to choose
the CPR skill on a manufacturing floor? (https://www.
the right conversation. cruciallearning.com/blog/2007/10/using-cpr/)
Exercise
STARTER CONVERSATION
Instructions
Let’s go back to your Starter Conversation (page 7). To help you prepare for this
conversation, you’ll pair up with another learner as a Learning Partner. This should be
someone:
• With whom you’ll feel comfortable sharing.

• Who will keep what you share confidential.
• Who is willing to challenge you.
Once you’ve selected your Learning Partner, take turns:

1. Sharing the conversation you chose as your Starter Conversation (page 7).
2. Unbundle your Starter Conversation with CPR. With your partner, identify the
content, pattern, and relationship issues. Then pick the RIGHT conversation you need
to hold to get unstuck.
Content:
Pattern:
Relationship:
The conversation you will hold:
Master My HOW TO KEEP YOUR
STRONG EMOTIONS FROM
Stories I
TAKING CONTROL OF THE
CONVERSATION
BEFORE
Get Unstuck
Master My Stories
SILE N CE
SAFETY
DURING
POOL OF
Start with Heart
VE CE
RBA
L VI O L E N
Move to Action
AT THE END
for individual use only and cannot be used otherwise without permission. Master My Stories I | 13
Nothing in the world is good or
bad, but thinking makes it so.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
PROBLEM
When our emotions kick in, we act our worst, and we think it’s not
our fault.
SOLUTION
Take responsibility for the emotions you bring to the conversation by
owning your story.
THE PATH TO ACTION

PATH TO ACTION
When strong emotions threaten to take over a conversation, it’s not enough to just control
or suppress them. We have to learn to create new emotions.
SEE & TELL A FEEL ACT

HEAR STORY

HEAR STORY
THE PATH TO ACTION—HOW IT WORKS
First, you see or hear.
You’re working on a report, and your manager checks up on you three times in one hour,
offering suggestions.
Second, you tell a story.

You decide that your manager is questioning your capabilities. Your manager doesn’t
believe you can complete the task on your own.
Third, you generate a feeling.

You feel hurt, defensive, and angry. Your manager obviously hasn’t paid attention to the
other reports you’ve submitted perfectly in the past.
Fourth, you act.

You ignore your manager’s suggestions and spend time complaining to coworkers about
their management style.
In summary: How we feel and subsequently act is not a function of what other people
are saying or doing but a function of the story we tell ourselves about what they are saying
or doing.
STORIES ARE THE KEY BECAUSE . . .
We guess.
We try to figure out motive. We judge, which leads to a feeling and, finally, an action.
We tell stories quickly.

Sometimes we don’t even notice we’re doing it.
We’re our own worst enemy.

Our negative story escalates our emotions, and we act our worst.
THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL

Our stories provoke their own confirming data. We tell certain kinds of predictable stories
that guarantee we will behave in ways that deprive us of the very thing we want most.
I ACT
YOU SEE, HEAR
YOU TELL A STORY
YOU FEEL
YOU ACT
I SEE, HEAR
I TELL A STORY
I FEEL
I ACT
CRUCIAL TIP
When you tell stories, watch out for two common mistakes: 1) In the absence of data, we tend to
make things up in the most negative ways. 2) We pretend as if the stories we tell are facts and then
act on them.
Big Ideas
MASTER MY Want More?
STORIES I
Read This Chapter

Read more about Master My Stories in Crucial
Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High.
1.
• In the second edition, read chapter 6.
When strong emotions • In the third edition, read chapter 5.
threaten to take over, it’s
not enough to control or Watch This Video
Crucial Conversations coauthor Kerry
suppress them. We have Patterson shares a powerful story about how we can
to create new emotions. humanize people who may behave in ways we don’t
approve of. (https://youtu.be/4uvn7XBnXwg)
2. Our emotions are not a

function of what others
say or do but of the stories
Read This Advice
Read this Crucial Skills article that highlights
how to use Master My Stories in real-life
we tell ourselves. conversations: “How to Control Your Emotion.” After
years of struggle, how do I not show my emotions in a
tense conversation? (https://www.cruciallearning.com/
blog/2009/04/how-to-control-your-emotion/)
I am always at a loss to know how
much to believe of my own stories.
WASHINGTON IRVING
Exercise
Instructions
Consider the stories you have been telling yourself and how they might impact your Starter
Conversation. Answer the questions below, then discuss with your Learning Partner.
What stories are you telling yourself about the situation? The issue? The person?
How are those stories impacting the way you feel about the situation?
How are those emotions impacting the way you act?
What stories do you think the other person is telling about you based on how you act
toward them?
Master My HOW TO CREATE EMOTIONS
Stories II
THAT WILL BRING YOU
INTO DIALOGUE
BEFORE
Get Unstuck
Master My Stories
SILE N CE
SAFETY
DURING
POOL OF
Start with Heart
VE CE
RBA
L VI O L E N
Move to Action
AT THE END
for individual use only and cannot be used otherwise without permission. Master My Stories II | 19
PROBLEM
Convinced we are right, we are unwilling to let go of our stories.
SOLUTION
We must change the stories we tell to create new emotions that bring us
back to healthy dialogue.
ANALYZE YOUR STORIES

The first step to regaining emotional control is to challenge the illusion that what we’re
feeling is the only right emotion under the circumstances. This may be the hardest step,
but it’s also the most important one. By questioning our feelings, we open ourselves up to
question our stories. We challenge the comfortable conclusion that our story is right and
true. We willingly question whether our emotions (real) and the story behind them (only
one of many possible explanations) are accurate.
Skill #1
SEPARATE FACTS
FROM STORIES
What is a fact?
A fact is an actual occurrence; something that can be objectively
proven through observation or measurement (e.g., what you saw
versus what you thought about what you saw).
How are stories different from facts?

Stories are subjective judgments, conclusions, and attributions that
we create based on the facts.
• Judgments determine whether facts are good or bad.
• Conclusions help us fit elements together.
• Attributions tell us why people do what they do.
Exercise
THE ANGRY ACCOUNTANT
Let’s see how well you can tell the difference between facts and stories.
One of your colleagues has been experiencing some difficulties in his interpersonal
relationships with coworkers and has asked you for some coaching.
You’re about to watch as he discusses an issue with a coworker. He’d like you to provide
him with as many observations as you can about what isn’t working with his approach.
Instructions
Write down what you see and hear him do that doesn’t work. Be as behaviorally specific as
you can in your observations.
HOW TO SEPARATE FACTS FROM STORIES
ASK YOURSELF:
What did I see or

hear that made me
think this?
We tend to believe the stories we tell are
facts. Once you separate fact from story, you
realize that the same facts could be used to
tell an infinite number of stories.
When you give up the certainty that your story

is the only explanation, you begin to create
new emotions that lead you to dialogue.
Master My Stories II | 23
Skill #2
WATCH FOR THREE
CLEVER STORIES
We often tell stories that help us feel good about doing things that
ruin our relationships and results. It takes a pretty “clever” story to
do that.
Victim Stories “It’s not my fault!”

The theme of a victim story is always the same. We overemphasize our virtues: we’re
good, right, brilliant, or righteous. We suffer through absolutely no fault of our own. We
are innocent. This allows us to continue our existing behavior patterns regardless of how
counterproductive they might be because “The problem couldn’t be with me.”
Villain Stories “It’s all your fault!”

In villain stories, we overemphasize the other person’s guilt or stupidity. We automatically
assume the worst possible motives or grossest incompetence while ignoring any possible
good or neutral intentions a person may have. Often, we further dehumanize our villain by
replacing his or her name with a label. For example, “I can’t believe that idiot gave me bad
materials again.” In using the handy label, we act in ways we wouldn’t normally act. We
aren’t dealing with a complex human being but an idiot.
Helpless Stories “There’s nothing else I can do!”

With helpless stories, we make ourselves out to be powerless to do anything healthy or
helpful. The system is stacked against us. “It’s all politics around here. There is nothing I
can do.” And so we stay silent.
Helpless stories can also justify our verbal violence: “If I didn’t raise my voice and show
a little strength, they wouldn’t respect me and they wouldn’t listen.” While villain and
victim stories look back to explain why we’re in the situation we’re in, helpless stories look
forward to explain why we can’t do anything to change our situation.
Exercise
WHAT ARE YOUR STORIES?
Instructions
With your group, discuss the questions below.
• What are some typical stories people (including you) tell in your organization?
• What has been the result when people tell and believe these stories?
CRUCIAL TIP
Stories drive our actions, but often, our clever stories start with our own sellouts (conscious acts
that contradict our sense of what’s right). When we don’t want to admit our errors, we inevitably
look for ways to justify them. That’s when we begin to tell victim, villain, and helpless stories. When
you are stuck in a story, ask yourself, “Is there a sellout I’m trying to justify?”
Skill #3
TELL THE REST
OF THE STORY
In telling clever stories, we conveniently leave out relevant

information in order to make those stories suit OUR needs. When we
tell the rest of the story, we put valuable information back into our
stories. Ask yourself three crucial questions to tell the rest of the
story.
Tell the Rest of the Story

When telling a victim story, ask:
What’s my role?
When telling a villain story, ask:

Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person do this?
When telling a helpless story, ask:

What should I do right now to move toward what I really want?
CRUCIAL TIP
If you really want to push your self-awareness around victim stories, extend the question and ask
yourself, “What about my role am I pretending not to notice?”
KEYS TO TELLING THE REST OF THE STORY
Victim Story
When you ask “What is my role?” aren’t you blaming the victim?
Sometimes when people read this question, they interpret it as, “In what way am I at fault
for what happened?” It is important to recognize that those two questions are different.
The latter assumes that the intent is to assign blame for a situation (i.e., Where does the
fault lie?). The first question is an open-ended question intended to prompt reflection
and understanding. When we ask “What is my role?” we are not trying to assign blame,
but, rather, illuminate blind spots in our social and self-awareness. We become open to
considering the ways in which our actions may have had a contribution (small or large) to
the situation.
As we engage in this self-reflection, it is crucial to recognize the difference between

looking at our role and excusing the roles of others. Let’s be very clear: Asking this
question does not excuse the wrong-doings of others, and it does not mean that we are at
fault when others have harmed us. There is a clear distinction between being an innocent
victim and telling a victim story in the context of a Crucial Conversation.
So, what does it mean to tell a victim story in a Crucial Conversation? Consider this
example:
Last week, your manager took you off a big project, and it hurt your feelings. You
complained to everyone about how bad you felt. Of course, you failed to let your manager
know that you were behind on an important project, leaving them high and dry—which
was why your manager removed you in the first place. This part of the story you leave out
because, hey, they made you feel bad.
To help support your victim story, you speak of nothing but your noble motives. “I took
longer because I was trying to beat the standard specs.” Then you tell yourself that you’re
being punished for your virtues, not your vices. “They just don’t appreciate a person with
my superb attention to detail.” (This added twist turns you from victim into martyr. What a
bonus!)
The victim story leaves out crucial information, allowing you to pretend your innocence.
When you challenge that story, you add the missing information for a more complete
understanding of your role.
Villain Story
What if the other person isn’t reasonable, rational, or decent?
Our purpose for asking why a reasonable, rational, and decent person might be acting a
certain way is not to excuse others for any bad things they may be doing. If they are, indeed,
guilty, we can deal with that later. The purpose of the humanizing question is to deal with
our own stories and emotions. It provides us with still another tool for working on ourselves
first by providing a variety of possible reasons for the other person’s behavior.
In fact, with experience and maturity, we learn to worry less about others’ intent and more
about the effect others’ actions are having on us. No longer are we in the game of rooting
out unhealthy motives. When we reflect on alternative motives, not only do we soften our
emotions, but, equally important, we relax our absolute certainty long enough to allow for
dialogue—the only reliable way of discovering others’ genuine motives.
Helpless Story
What if there are systemic issues that prevent me from taking action?
Doesn’t that make me legitimately helpless?
There are absolutely systemic, structural issues we face that make it difficult or
impossible to affect change. That is true. The question “What should I do right now to
move toward what I really want?” should not be interpreted to mean that all problems are
within your control to solve. They aren’t.
Instead, this question should provide a prompt for us to reconsider the stories we may
have told ourselves that are keeping us stuck. As you consider this question, remember:
• Context: This is the question to ask yourself when you are preparing for a Crucial
Conversation. In this conversation that you are about to have, how can you show up
more effectively? What can you say to move toward what you really want?
• Purpose: The purpose of this question is to change our emotions so that we are
better prepared for a conversation. To that end, the process of asking the question, of
engaging our minds, helps us create new emotions and return to dialogue. Yes, the
answer can be important, but the process of asking is often what best prepares us
for a conversation.
• Scope: Sometimes people hear this question and think it means “What can I do
right now to get what I really want?” That is not the question we are posing. It is not
about how you can get what you really want but how can you move toward what you
really want. Profound, persistent, resistant problems are rarely resolved in a single
conversation. Change takes time. Sustained, systemic, structural change is usually
the culmination of thousands of small steps. The question here is: “What step can I
take right now?”
Big Ideas
MASTER MY Want More?
STORIES II
Read This Chapter

Read more about Master My Stories in Crucial
1.
Separating facts from • In the third edition, read chapter 5.
stories allows us to open
our minds to alternative Watch This Video
Master Trainer Maria Moss shares how she
stories, neutralizing our masters her stories when having sensitive conversations
emotions. about bias. (https://youtu.be/w7ozcQOPq9g)
2.
Read This Advice
Challenge the “clever”
stories you are telling by Master My Stories in real-life conversations:
asking questions that put “Avoiding Angel Stories.” What do you do when
valuable information back supervisors excuse problematic behavior because
an employee has good intentions? (https://www.
into your stories. cruciallearning.com/blog/2010/08/avoiding-angel-
stories/)
Exercise
Instructions
With your Learning Partner, do the following:
1. Review the stories you identified on page 18.

2. Separate the facts from your stories by identifying the observable facts that led
you to the stories you told yourself. Record them in the table below.
THE FACTS MY STORIES

(What I actually saw, heard, observed) (What I concluded)
3. Look at your stories. Which (if any) of the three clever stories (victim, villain,
helpless) are you telling yourself?
4. For the clever stories you identified, tell the rest of the story with your Learning
Partner. Ask:
• What’s my role?
• Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person do this?
• What should I do right now to move toward what I really want?
5. How has this exercise helped you, if at all, prepare for a Crucial Conversation with
this person?
Start with HOW TO STAY FOCUSED ON
Heart
WHAT YOU REALLY WANT
BEFORE
Get Unstuck
Master My Stories
SILE N CE
SAFETY
DURING
POOL OF
Start with Heart
VE CE
RBA
L VI O L E N
Move to Action
AT THE END
for individual use only and cannot be used otherwise without permission. Start with Heart | 31
If you don’t
talk it out, you
will act it out.
None of us is a good enough
actor to completely hide our
self-talk. Eventually, what
we are thinking, feeling, and
wanting will impact the
conversation.
Be careful of your thoughts; they may
become words at any moment.
IRA GASSEN
Exercise
CONVERSATION FAIL
Instructions
1. Think about a recent conversation that went poorly. Maybe:
• You got upset.
• You gave in just to end the conversation.
• You posted something in anger.
• You sent a snippy text.
2. Now, be honest. In that moment, what was your intent (your goal, your motivation)
when you said or did that thing? What did your actions communicate about
your intent?
UNHELPFUL INTENT INTENT OF DIALOGUE
• Be right • Find the truth
• Look good, save face • Learn
• Win • Find a win-win situation
• Punish, blame • Produce long-term results
• Avoid conflict • Strengthen relationships
• Be comfortable
• Control
PROBLEM
The first thing that deteriorates during a Crucial Conversation is not our
behavior (that comes second) but our intent.
SOLUTION
Be clear with yourself and others about what you really want.
CRUCIAL TIP
Don’t start talking until you get your intent clear. If you don’t first change your heart (intent), any
efforts to change your actions are likely to be insincere, shallow, and doomed to fail.
Skill #1
FOCUS ON WHAT
YOU REALLY WANT
Ask yourself:
1. What do my actions communicate
about my intent?
2. What do I really want—
• For me?
• For the other person?
• For our relationship?
• For our organization?
Skill #2
SHARE YOUR
GOOD INTENT
Once you know what you really want and you’ve established your good intent, the next
step is to express your good intent.
Expressing good intent IS NOT flattering or trying to appease the other the person with
irrelevant compliments.
Expressing good intent IS a statement that makes it clear to the other person that you
care about what’s important to them and have their best interests in mind.
Sharing your good intent sounds like . . .

“Hey. Do you have a minute to touch base on the Praxis project? I had some ideas
that I think will lighten our workload, so I wanted to share those with you.”
“I have some feedback on the new candidate from the marketing group. Of course, it’s
your call. I just wanted you to be aware of my concerns as you consider your decision.”
“Hey. I was hoping we could talk. Something has been bothering me, and I know that
if we could look at it together, we could figure it out before it turns into a bigger deal.”
“First, know that I think you are doing a really nice job in your role. I also want to see
you grow in this department and have the success you want to have. And I’d like to
share some ideas I believe will help you do that.”
“I was wondering if we could talk about what happened on Friday night. I love you,
and I want to make sure we are talking about things that impact our relationship
because our relationship is the most important thing in the world to me. Could we
talk?”
CRUCIAL TIP
If you have negative or unhelpful motives, do not dive into a Crucial Conversation pretending just
the opposite. That’s called lying!
Let’s Practice
SHARE YOUR GOOD INTENT
Instructions
1. Each of you pick one of the situations you have been assigned.
2. Read the situation and consider what you really want.
3. Prepare a statement of good intent and share it with your partner.
Situation 1: Renegotiation Conversation

You feel completely overwhelmed by the amount of work you have. Looking at your tasks
and projects, you realize there is no way you can meet all your commitments on time.
Either something needs to change or quality is going to suffer. You’ve decided to talk to
your manager. You want to renegotiate dates or ask for some projects to be moved to
someone else. You want your manager to see you as a contributor wanting to focus, not a
complainer trying to do less.
What do you really want for yourself? The other person? The relationship?
The organization (if applicable)?
What will you say to share your good intent?
Situation 2: Managing Meetings
Your manager is an amazing mentor and boss but is terrible at meeting management.
Meetings rarely have an agenda, and if there is one, your manager still allows people to
drone on and on, hijacking any agenda that may have existed. Meetings often run fifteen to
twenty minutes over. You think your manager values collaboration and doesn’t want to hurt
people’s feelings. That’s why they won’t cut off conversations or set boundaries.
You are finishing up a one-on-one with your manager, and they ask, “Is there anything else
you need me to do differently?” You’ve decided to share your concerns about the long,
ineffective meetings.
The organization (in this case, the team)?
Situation 3: Distracted at Home
Lately, your spouse/partner has been especially busy with work, and they are starting
to bring it home. Typically, they are really good about leaving work “at work” and being
present when it’s “home” time. But they have been looking at their phone during dinner
and emailing while you’re supposed to be enjoying a movie together. You’re concerned this
behavior is going to impact your relationship. You’ve decided to talk about your concerns.
The organization (in this case, the family)?
Situation 4: Close the Loop
You manage a large team and are a member of your organization’s leadership team. In
a recent leadership team meeting, one of your colleagues announced that their team
changed an important workflow process. While you respect that this decision is theirs to
make—after all, it’s their team—the change will have some impact on your team. More
than that, though, you think there may be some holes in the new process. You have a
strong, collaborative relationship with this colleague, and you appreciate input they have
given you in the past. You decide to share your thoughts about the recent decision.
What do you really want for yourself? The other person? The relationship? The
organization (if applicable)?
Note: You can reference page 121 for sample responses to each situation.
Big Ideas
START WITH Want More?
HEART
Read This Chapter

Read more about Start with Heart in Crucial
1.
• For the second edition, read chapter 3.
The first thing that • For the third edition, read chapter 3.
deteriorates is not our
behavior but our intent. Watch This Video
In this twenty-minute talk, Master Trainer
2.
Stacy Nelson shares more on how to get your motive
In crucial moments, ask right. (https://youtu.be/aZ2PW2nxLWM)
yourself, “What do I really
Read This Advice
want?” to stay focused on
Read this Crucial Skills article on how to start
good intent. with heart in real-life conversations: “Feasting
with Unruly Relatives.” How to find a win-win when you
3. Help the other person see feel stuck in an awkward family situation. (https://www.
cruciallearning.com/blog/2016/11/feasting-with-unruly-
that you care. Share your relatives/)
good intent.
Exercise
Instructions
Consider the Starter Conversation you chose to work on. Think of the last time you were in
a conversation with that person that didn’t go very well. Answer the following questions.
What did your actions communicate about your intent?
What do you really want for yourself, the other person, the relationship, the
organization (if applicable)?
Does clarifying what you really want change the conversation you need to hold? Return
to page 12 and review your CPR analysis. If you want to refine or change the
conversation you plan to hold, record that here and on page 12.
How can you show your good intent? What statement of good intent can you share at
the start?
State HOW TO START A
My Path
CONVERSATION WITH
RESPECT AND HONESTY
BEFORE
Get Unstuck
Master My Stories
SILE N CE
SAFETY
DURING
POOL OF
Start with Heart
VE CE
RBA
L VI O L E N
Move to Action
AT THE END
for individual use only and cannot be used otherwise without permission. State My Path | 43
There is always a way to be honest
without being brutal.
ARTHUR DOBRIN
PROBLEM
During Crucial Conversations, we say things in exactly the wrong way.
SOLUTION
Share your views in a way that is both honest and respectful.
TWO COMMON MISTAKES WE MAKE

1. We drone on.
We tend to say ten words when three will do. We do this because we want it to be
comfortable (we fear awkwardness and defensiveness) and because we want to make
sure that our position is clear. However, no one likes to be lectured. When it comes to
starting a conversation, less is usually more. Brevity is best.
2. We’re brutally honest.

We come in strong. We like to “tell it like it is.” This is understandable because we often feel
strongly about certain issues, and we justify our intensity by saying it’s just part of our nature
to be brutally honest. But we focus more on “brutal” than “honest.” We misunderstand what
it means to be honest. Being honest has nothing to do with being angry, hurtful, mean, or
“letting off steam.” Being honest is about being more clear, more specific, more sincere, and
more authentic. You DON’T have to raise your voice to be honest.
Skill
START WITH FACTS,
STORY, ASK
Use these three steps to share tough messages in a way that invites
dialogue.
1. Share your facts.

2. Tell your story.
3. Ask for others’ paths.
1. SHARE YOUR FACTS

Start with what you see and hear.
Remember the difference between facts and stories? To open a Crucial Conversation,
start with facts—they are neutral. Share what you have observed before you share your
interpretation of what you’ve observed.
For example:
• “I noticed that . . . ”
• “The last three times we talked about this . . . ”
• “We agreed you’d email me the proposal by Tuesday, and now it’s Wednesday
afternoon and I haven’t seen . . . ”
CRUCIAL TIP
Don’t pile on the facts. Don’t share ten facts when three will do. If you do, you run the risk of
creating defensiveness from the start.
Facts which at first seem improbable will,
even on scant explanation, drop the cloak
which has hidden them and stand forth in
naked and simple beauty.
GALILEO GALILEI
THE BENEFITS OF STARTING WITH FACTS

Facts are facts.
The least controversial part of the Path to Action is what we’ve seen or heard. If we are
honest in sharing all the facts, these facts will build a foundation of shared meaning.
Facts are more persuasive.

When we want to share something that others are likely to resist, it is far more effective
to share the facts behind our story before we share the story itself. When we share only
harsh or ugly conclusions, people can’t figure out why we’ve drawn those conclusions, and
we run the risk of being seen as a villain.
Facts are the least insulting.

Stories are typically made up of unattractive conclusions. For example, you might think
a person is lazy or irresponsible or a backbiter. If you share these conclusions, it’s only
natural that others will feel hurt or insulted. In contrast, when you share only what you’ve
seen and heard, others are far less likely to be offended.
Feelings and stories often keep us from facts.

If we start by sharing our feelings or stories, others often don’t understand what we’re
talking about. For example, we tell a friend that they can’t be trusted (our story). We
offer no further explanation, so they aren’t sure why we’ve drawn such an unattractive
conclusion. Since they’ve been accused of being untrustworthy, it’s only natural that they
become defensive. An argument ensues, and the original facts never make it into the
conversation.
2. TELL YOUR STORY
Once you’ve shared your facts, it’s time to tell your story.
Facts alone don’t always paint the whole picture. Your story helps the other person
understand why your facts are a concern. If you’ve mastered your story and considered
the facts behind that story, you’ll have a reasonable conclusion to share.
For example:
• “It leads me to conclude . . . ”
• “It seems to me . . . ”
• “My perception is . . . ”
• “I’m beginning to wonder if . . . ”
SHOULD I ALWAYS SHARE MY STORY?

When trying to decide if you should share your story or not, use CPR to help.
Content
Just share the facts.
Pattern
Share your story as well.
Relationship
If it’s a content issue, share only the facts. If there’s a pattern, you may need to share a
story (but not always). For relationship issues, sharing a story is essential.
3. ASK FOR OTHERS’ PATHS
If your goal is dialogue rather than monologue, you need everyone’s viewpoint. The
measure of a good ”ask” is the degree to which it sincerely invites an honest response.
For example:
• “How do you see it?”
• “Can you help me understand your perspective?”
• “What’s your view of this?”
• “What’s your perception of the situation with . . . ?”
Watch out for questions that sound nice but don’t invite dialogue. Some of these questions
might be great later on in the conversation but aren’t the best at inviting a lot of meaning.
• “What do you think it will take to fix this?”

• “What can we do to make sure this doesn’t happen again?”
• “What are your ideas for solving this issue?”
These questions focus on solving an issue that may not be agreed upon yet. Get to
dialogue, then solve the problem.
CRUCIAL TIP
Often, the measure of a good question is the degree to which it invites different perspectives.
Consider: Does your question invite people to share opposing views?
STATE YOUR PATH
SHARE YOUR FACTS TELL YOUR STORIES ASK FOR OTHER’S PATHS
“I noticed that . . . ” “It leads me to “How do you see it?”

conclude . . . ”
“The last three times we “Can you help me
talked about this . . . ” “It seems to me . . . ” understand your
perspective?”
“We agreed you’d email “My perception is . . . ”
me the proposal by “What’s your view on
Tuesday, and now it’s “I’m beginning to this?”
Wednesday afternoon wonder if . . . ”
and I haven’t seen . . . ” “What’s your perception
of the situation with . . . ?”
Facts, Story, Ask sounds like . . .

“The last few times we’ve met as a team, I’ve noticed that Sarah hasn’t spoken up.
I’m worried we’re not going to get her perspective on this project, and I think we
really need it. How do others see it?”
“Hey, I reviewed the new branding document you sent over. There are a few things
in it that have me concerned. I think that the use of color is going to create issues
around accessibility. I’m wondering if the team considered this when they created
the document. Can you help me understand the approach the team took?”
“We talked for over an hour yesterday about our plan, and we all agreed on the
approach. But when leadership pushed back in the meeting today, you quickly
agreed and moved away from our plan. I might be wrong here, but it seems like you
may have been more worried about looking good with leadership than sticking with
what we agreed to. Can you help me see your side of how things played out?”
HOW DO YOU STATE YOUR PATH?
Be confident
YOUR MEANING BELONGS
IN THE POOL.
Be humble
YOUR MEANING IS NOT
ALL THE MEANING.
Let’s Practice
FACTS, STORY, ASK
PART 1
Instructions
Review the tips below as you prepare to practice starting with Facts, Story, Ask.
Tips for Stating Your Path

• Share enough facts to provide a clear view of how you see the situation, but don’t
share too much—less is more.
• Share your story as a story, not as fact (avoid “The fact of the matter is . . . ”).
• Don’t overstate your viewpoint (“The only reasonable option is . . .” or “Everybody
knows we should . . . ”).
• Avoid absolutes like “always” and “never.”
• Watch out for “hot” words like “liar” or “loser.” (Even if someone wasn’t truthful, will
labeling them as a liar help your dialogue?)
• When you share your good intent and state your path out loud, both your words and
your nonverbals (tone of voice, body language, etc.) communicate your desire to
engage in dialogue.
• When stating your path in written communications, write it twice. The first time,
focus on your message to get your content down. Then, read the message slowly,
imagining how the other person will feel at each point in your message. With safety
in mind, rewrite your message to clearly communicate your good intent.
CRUCIAL TIP
You can advocate as strongly for your position as you are willing to inquire about theirs.
Let’s Practice
FACTS, STORY, ASK
PART 2
Instructions for in-person learning (for virtual learning, turn to page 53)
1. Stand up and form groups of three.

2. Label one person Facts, one Story, and one Ask.
3. You will read a situation where you need to start a Crucial Conversation with
someone. (Assume you have already shared your good intent.)
4. After you read the situation, each person in your triad will develop a script for their part:
• The Facts person will formulate the facts they will share.
• The Story person will formulate the conclusion and assumptions they will share.
• The Ask person will formulate a question that invites dialogue.
5. Once each person is done preparing their part, together (acting as one person), you’ll
be able to share the entire opening statement for initiating a Crucial Conversation.
6. Your facilitator will explain how you’ll practice with the rest of the class.
Story
My perception is . . .
Ask
How do you see it?
It seems to
Facts me that . . . Can you help me
understand . . . ?
I saw . . . I am wondering if . . .
What’s your view on . . . ?
I heard . . .
I noticed . . .
Let’s Practice
FACTS, STORY, ASK
PART 2
Instructions for virtual learning (for in-person learning, turn to page 52)
With a partner:
• Decide who will be the Initiator first and who will be the Coach first.
• For each assigned situation (pages 54–56), the Initiator will practice starting with
Facts, Story, Ask to initiate a Crucial Conversation. (Assume you have already
shared your good intent).
• The Coach will listen and provide feedback.
• Take turns playing both roles as you go through the situations.
Story
My perception is . . .
It seems to
me that . . .
Facts I am wondering if . . . Ask

I saw . . . How do you see it?
I heard . . . Can you help me
understand . . . ?
I noticed . . .
What’s your view on . . . ?
Situation 1: The Insensitive Coworker
You want to address a concern with someone from another department. They’ve just given
you a tough deadline. You want to meet their expectations but know it will take longer than
the time frame they’re requesting to do the job right (they requested a one-month timeline
for a project that should take two months). In fact, even if your team works hard and puts
other projects on hold, finishing by the requested deadline will be nearly impossible. You
don’t want this to become a pattern, and so you’ve decided to speak up.
FACTS STORY ASK

(Hint: Because this is the first time,
you may not have a story yet.)
Situation 2: Overlooked Contribution

Yesterday in a team meeting, you suggested a refinement to a project plan. The change
would decrease risk and cost while retaining quality. It seemed like a win. Your colleague
quickly championed the plan, saying they thought it was a good idea. By the end of the
meeting, you had all agreed to move forward in this new direction. Your manager closed
the meeting and turned to your colleague (the one who had vocally championed your
idea) and said, “Thank you so much for that great idea.” This is the third time this month
your manager has overlooked your contributions or attributed them to someone else.
You know your manager really values teamwork, but you’re beginning to wonder if they
recognize your contributions. You’ve decided to bring it up with your manager. For you, this
is impacting your working relationship.
FACTS STORY ASK
Situation 3: The Silent Complainer
You believe a peer you work with regularly isn’t being assertive enough during project
meetings. They don’t speak up when a proposed deadline seems unrealistic—even when
they have concerns or questions. They seem to think their role is to smile and agree with
whatever the leader in the room says. But after the meeting is over, everyone hears their
concerns on the team messaging platform. You decided to call them to chat about it.
They immediately start complaining about the most recent unrealistic deadline they were
“forced” to accept. You see this as a direct consequence of not speaking up in meetings
and want to address the pattern.
FACTS STORY ASK
Situation 4: The Right Hire

You oversee a group of managers. One of the managers who reports to you is hiring a new
team member. Before extending a formal offer, this manager has come to you for final
approval of the hiring decision. Typically, you support the decisions your managers make,
as you want to empower them to build their teams. However, as you review this candidate,
you notice that the candidate has a similar profile (e.g., educational background, race,
gender, etc.) to all of the other members of the manager’s team. There are other
candidates who are equally qualified who would bring new and valuable perspectives to
the team and organization, in alignment with your organization’s hiring values. You want to
talk to this manager about what you are seeing and get their perspective.
FACTS STORY ASK
Situation 5: Family Politics
You and your sister get along well and can talk about anything—except politics. When
you’ve tried to share researched-based facts about a particular political position, she uses
terms like, “naïve,” “brainwashed,” and “morally bankrupt.” It seems like she’s interested in
rejecting any opinion that’s different than hers. This has been going on for a while, and it’s
getting to the point where you avoid the family gatherings she’s attending. You both share
common interests outside of politics, but it feels hard, if not impossible, to connect with
her on any of them because of the political contentions. You’ve decided to talk to her about
how this is impacting your relationship.
FACTS STORY ASK
Situation 6: Feedback Phobia

One of your new team members is struggling to do their work efficiently. You notice
it takes them twice as long to finish a task as their colleagues, and they seem to be
regularly frustrated with tasks. They aren’t missing deadlines yet, but you’re concerned
it’s only a matter of time. You’ve shared some ideas to help, but they were texting during
the conversation. Their peers sometimes offer suggestions, but this person responds with
things like, “I’ll be fine.” You think it’s important that you and everyone on your team is
open to feedback. After all, that’s how everyone gets better. You want to talk about how
they receive feedback.
FACTS STORY ASK
Note: You can reference pages 122–123 for sample responses to each situation.
Big Ideas
STATE MY PATH Want More?
1.
Read This Chapter
The way we initiate Read more about State My Path in Crucial
a conversation will Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High.
determine how others
• In the third edition, read chapter 8.
reciprocate.
Watch This Video
2.
Master Trainer Justin Hale talks about a key
Begin your Crucial
statement to avoid when sharing our opinions in political
Conversations by sharing conversations. (https://youtu.be/r19bRUpxa_I)
your facts, telling your
story, then asking for Read This Advice
Read this Crucial Skills article that highlights
others’ paths. how to use State My Path in real-life
3.
conversations: “Solving Communications Problems at
Be confident enough to Work.” Ineffective communication always scores as one
of the top-three problems for teams and organizations.
share your meaning and
So how do we resolve it? (https://www.cruciallearning.
humble enough to hear com/blog/2009/01/solving-communication-problems-
theirs. at-work/)
Exercise
Instructions
Consider the Starter Conversation you chose to work on. Write a draft of
how you’ll start the conversation. Record it as an actual script. What will you
say, in your own words? Be prepared to share with your Learning Partner.
STATEMENT OF
GOOD INTENT
(SEE PAGE 42)
MY FACTS
MY STORY
THE QUESTIONS
I’LL ASK
Make It Safe
HOW TO TALK TO ALMOST
ANYONE ABOUT ALMOST
ANYTHING
BEFORE
Get Unstuck
Master My Stories
SILE N CE
SAFETY
DURING
POOL OF
Start with Heart
VE CE
RBA
L VI O L E N
Move to Action
AT THE END
for individual use only and cannot be used otherwise without permission. Make It Safe | 59
Make It Safe
People rarely become defensive about
what you’re saying (the content).
People become defensive

because of why they think you’re
saying it (your intent).
No passion so effectively robs the mind of all
its powers of acting and reasoning as fear.
EDMUND BURKE
PROBLEM
People go to silence or verbal violence when they feel unsafe.
SOLUTION
Restore safety by addressing the reason people feel unsafe—their
perception of your intent.
HOW TO MAKE IT SAFE
1. Step out of the content.

Stop talking about the topic being discussed so you can
address the safety concerns.
2. Rebuild safety.
Mutual purpose: You believe that I care about your goals and
vice versa.
Mutual respect: You believe that I care about you as a person

and vice versa.
3. Then step back in to discuss the content.
Skill
CONTRAST TO FIX
MISUNDERSTANDINGS
In most cases, safety is lost when other people misunderstand our

intent. Use a contrasting statement to address misunderstanding and
rebuild safety.
Contrasting: A Don’t/Do Statement

In the “don’t” half of your In the “do” half of your
statement, answer: statement, answer:
• How might others mistake my • What is my real motivation?
purpose? • How do I really feel about the
• How might they feel other person?
disrespected?
It sounds like: It sounds like:

• “My intent is not to . . .” • “I do want to focus on . . .”
• “I’m not trying to suggest . . .” • “What I am hoping we
can solve . . .”
• “My goal isn’t to . . .”
• “I do want to discuss . . .”
Only use a contrasting statement if you believe your intentions have been misunderstood.
If there’s no misunderstanding, there’s no need to contrast. Don’t use it to “soften the
blow” when delivering a difficult message. Use it as a clarification tool.
Contrasting sounds like . . .
• “The last thing I wanted was to communicate that I don’t value the work you
put in or that I didn’t want to share it with the VP. I think your work has been
nothing short of spectacular, and I want to share some ideas to help you work
even better.”
• “I’m not saying that I want you off the team. Your contribution is really
important. I do want to talk about a pattern I’m seeing with deadlines and
project contributions. I want to find something that works better for both
of us.”
• “I don’t want to suggest that this problem is yours. The truth is, I think it’s
ours. I’m not trying to put the burden on you. I don’t even know what the
solution is. What I do want is to be able to talk so that we can understand each
other better. Maybe that will help me change how I’m responding to you too.”
• “Let me put this in perspective. I don’t want you to think I’m not satisfied with
the quality of your work. I want us to continue working together. I really do
think you’re doing a good job. This punctuality issue is important to me, and
I’d just like you to work on that. If you will be more attentive to that, I have no
other concerns.”
• “I don’t want to send the message that I don’t appreciate the time you’ve taken
to keep our finances balanced and up to date. I do appreciate it, and I know I
certainly couldn’t have done nearly as well. At the same time, I do have some
concerns with how often we’re transferring money from place to place.”
Let’s Practice
CONTRASTING
PART 1
Instructions
Review the tips below as you prepare to practice contrasting.
Tips for Contrasting

• Avoid saying “BUT” between the “don’t” and the “do” statement. It tends to negate
everything that comes before it.
• Don’t skip the “don’t” part of the statement; it’s the key to the whole skill because it
shows people you are paying attention to what they are thinking and feeling.
• Don’t confuse contrasting with “sandwiching.” When we sandwich, we start by
softening the coming blow by offering a generic compliment, then we blurt out the
issues, and then we quickly finish with another generic compliment. Watch out for
this indirect and manipulative technique.
Let’s Practice
CONTRASTING
PART 2
You’ll practice in groups of three. One of you will be the Initiator, one the Respondent,
and one the Coach (you’ll get a chance to play all three roles).
Initiator
You will initiate the conversation by reading aloud the script
provided to share their good intent and to start with Facts,
Story, Ask. When the Respondent reacts defensively, make it
safe by contrasting (you may have to contrast more than once).
Respondent
You will be given a script for how to respond (a defensive
response).
Coach
You can coach the Initiator as needed. At the end of each
situation, provide feedback.
Instructions
In your group:
1. Decide who will be the Initiator, who will be the Respondent, and who will be the
Coach for the first situation. (You’ll get to play all three roles.)
2. Then, follow the steps below.
• Read to yourself the section of the situation that corresponds to your role.
• Do the practice situation for contrasting.
• Share feedback.
• Rotate roles and move to the next situation.
3. Repeat the steps until you’ve completed all three situations.
SITUATION 1: PROMOTION CONVERSATION
Initiator
You’ve decided to talk to your manager, the Respondent, about a promotion. You’re
at a place in your career where you want to increase your impact and earning power.
You believe that your contribution merits an increase in role and pay. You’re finding it
somewhat difficult because you really like the work and the people with whom you work—
especially your boss. Three years ago, your boss took a risk and put you into a role you
weren’t fully qualified for. They showed a lot of confidence in you by giving you a pretty big
bump in role and pay. But since then, you’ve finished your graduate degree (night classes)
and have become much more central to the overall success of the department (leading
projects instead of just contributing to them). You believe you’ve outgrown your current
role. You’re not trying to leave the team, but you’re willing to if that’s the only way to grow.
You know your manager is under a lot of stress right now with the heavy work load your
team is carrying out, but you also don’t want to pass up an opportunity to advocate for
yourself.
As You Speak
Begin by sharing your good intent and starting with Facts, Story, Ask: “I wanted to talk
to you about something that I think would be beneficial for the team and for me personally.
Over the last couple of years, I’ve switched from being an individual contributor on
projects to leading them. Just this last year, I successfully led five major projects. As a
result of all this work, I feel like my skills and experience have outgrown both my current
role and compensation. I’d love to know if there is an opportunity for me to move up to the
next level. What do you think?”
Make It Safe: When the Respondent becomes defensive, restore safety with a contrasting
statement. (Hint: You may need to contrast twice.)
• What you don’t intend

• What you do intend
Coach
Read the scenario above and the Initiator’s “As You Speak” section (you can also read the
Respondent’s part, if needed). The Initiator will start by sharing their good intent and then
stating their path (Facts, Story, Ask). When the Respondent becomes defensive, the Initiator should use
a contrasting statement to make it safe. (You can reference page 124 at the end of the Learner Guide for
sample answers.)
Observe carefully how the Initiator uses the skills. Remember, a contrasting statement clarifies what you
DON’T intend, followed by what you DO intend. After the discussion ends, provide the Initiator specific
feedback about things they did well and things they can improve on.
SITUATION 1: PROMOTION CONVERSATION
Respondent
The Initiator, who reports to you, has been a great contributor, especially over the last
three years. You put them in a role that they candidly weren’t qualified for because you
believed so strongly in their potential, and they’ve not only met expectations but exceeded
them. They are the most important person on your team. You were just given a massive
new initiative to lead, and you need them to continue to do what they do best. You need
things to be status quo. You’re really stressed right now, and you’ve noticed yourself being
more abrupt in your interactions with people.
What to Say
When the Initiator shares their good intent and states their path, defensively say, “So,
you’re saying you’re unhappy here?”
After the Initiator uses a contrasting statement, say, “Hey, I took a chance on you three
years ago, and now you’re just going to abandon us when we need you most?”
After the Initiator uses another contrasting statement, explain that you understand where
he or she is coming from. You know that their contribution is invaluable and you’re grateful
for it. But you feel overwhelmed by the new initiative you’ve been given and you’re fearful
of losing them on the team. Tell them you’d like to hear more about what they’d want to
see in a larger role.
If the Initiator does not use a contrasting statement to make it safe, remain defensive.
Explain that you’re too busy to deal with their request right now and suggest they focus on
the work in front of them.
SITUATION 2: INTERRUPTING PEER
Initiator
The Respondent is a teammate and a good friend. You’ve noticed that they are interrupting
other people in meetings more and more frequently. It used to happen occasionally, but
recently it seems to have increased in frequency. It happened twice in yesterday’s meeting,
and a handful of times in last week’s meeting. Your teammate is enthusiastic and wants
to contribute their ideas. But you’ve noticed that some of the other team members have
started to roll their eyes when this person interrupts. You don’t think the Respondent is
aware that they are doing it so frequently. You want them to be successful. You also want
the team to be successful, and you’re worried that this behavior is hurting conversations in
meetings. You’ve decided to talk to them about this pattern and its impact.
As You Speak
Begin by sharing your good intent and starting with Facts, Story, Ask: “I wanted to share
some feedback about something you may not be aware of that seems to be getting in
the way of how you interact with other people on the team. I’ve noticed a pattern of you
interrupting people in meetings. In yesterday’s team meeting, you cut Sunita off twice
midsentence, and then you spoke over Chase while he was asking a question. I know
you’re just excited to share your ideas, but I think it’s sending a message to everyone else
that you don’t value their ideas as much as your own. What are your thoughts?”
statement (hint: you may need to contrast twice).

Coach
sample answers.)
SITUATION 2: INTERRUPTING PEER
Respondent
The Initiator is your peer and good friend. You work closely with them and really value
their perspective on your work. At the same time, you’ve noticed that they can be a little
nit-picky. They often mention things about your working relationship and how they think
the work should be done. And while most times it doesn’t bother you, every once in a
while, it does. This seems to be one of those times. The Initiator is about you give you
some feedback.
What to Say
When the Initiator shares their good intent and states their path, defensively say, “So,
you’re saying that I don’t value other people’s ideas?”
After the Initiator uses a contrasting statement, say, “So, I guess I’m just difficult to work
with, and people don’t want me in those project meetings?”
After the Initiator uses another contrasting statement, admit that you hadn’t noticed the
pattern as they did. You’ve been trying hard to contribute more and want to have an impact
on the team. But you didn’t realize how your actions were impacting other people on the
team.
If the Initiator does not use a contrasting statement to make it safe, continue with your
defensive posture. Let them know that you think it’s just their perception and that you
don’t plan to hold back in sharing your thoughts. Speaking up is what’s best for the team.
SITUATION 3: DOUBLE STANDARD
Initiator
You just left a meeting with a cross-functional team. When the meeting started, the person
leading the meeting (the Respondent) introduced team members to each other. You
noticed that when they introduced the men, the Respondent referred to them by their full
names and their titles. When they introduced the women, the Respondent introduced them
by their first name and department.
During the meeting, the Respondent acknowledged contributions from the men with
comments like, “Good thought,” or “Tell me more,” or “I like that idea.” When the women
contributed, the Respondent’s comments were “Okay,” or “Hmmm,” or “Any other ideas?”
As the meeting progressed, the three woman in the meeting stopped contributing,
so the ideas accepted by the group all came from the men. You’re concerned that
the Respondent isn’t aware of this behavior and its impact. You decide to talk to the
Respondent about this after the meeting ends.
As You Speak
Begin by sharing your good intent and starting with Facts, Story, Ask: “Hey, I wanted to
bring something to your attention that I think would be helpful as you run meetings with
this team. I noticed in the meeting earlier that when any of the men made comments, you
responded to them with things like, ‘Good thought’ or ‘I like that idea.’ And in contrast,
when any of the women made comments, you responded with things like, ‘Any other
ideas,’ or a simple ‘Okay’ before moving on. It left me with the impression that you were
more interested in certain viewpoints over others. I noticed that the women stopped
contributing by the end and I wondered if maybe they felt that way also. How do you see it?”
statement (hint: you may need to contrast twice).

Coach
sample answers.)
SITUATION 3: DOUBLE STANDARD
Respondent
You’ve just been given the assignment to lead a newly formed cross-functional team.
You’re both excited and a little nervous. While you know the team members, you have only
worked with a few of them really closely (and most of them don’t know each other very
well). So you’re still trying to figure out personalities and how to best bring the best ideas
out.
After your first meeting, the Initiator, one of the people you’re least familiar with, asks
if they can talk to you about the meeting. You weren’t terribly happy with the level of
contribution and engagement from the whole team but thought the suggestions and ideas
that people shared were really good. You’re looking forward to when the team really starts
working well together.
What to Say
When the Initiator shares their good intent and states their path, defensively say, “Sounds
like a pretty big accusation to me. Are you saying I’m biased?”
After the Initiator uses a contrasting statement, say, “So, you’re saying I have to accept
every idea—even when it’s a bad one?”
After the Initiator uses another contrasting statement, respond with something like, “Oh, I
see. Thank you for bringing this up. I feel terrible that was the impact of how I handled the
meeting. I guess I have some blind spots. Thanks for bringing them up. I want everyone on
this team to feel safe, and I’m still unsure of how to do that in the best way. I want people
to engage and contribute. So are there ways you think we can do that better?”
If the Initiator does not use a contrasting statement to make it safe, ask them to refrain
from micromanaging the way you run the meetings. You care about everyone in the room,
and it’s not right for them to judge you so harshly after one meeting.
Note: You can reference page 124 for example responses to each situation.
“People who are skilled at dialogue do
their best to make it safe for everyone
to add their meaning to the shared
pool—even ideas that at first glance
appear controversial, wrong, or at odds
with their own beliefs.
They don’t agree with every idea; they

simply do their best to ensure that all
ideas find their way into the open.”
CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS
Big Ideas
MAKE IT SAFE Want More?
1.
Read This Chapter
People rarely become Read more about Make It Safe in Crucial
defensive about what Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High.
you’re saying. They
• For the third edition, read chapter 7.
become defensive because
of why they think you’re Watch This Video
Master Trainer Maria Moss makes a trip to a
saying it.
toy store and uses a contrasting statement to make it
2.
safe. (https://youtu.be/foNtUhp30S8)
Address misunder-
standings by contrasting Read This Advice
what you don’t intend with Make It Safe in real-life conversations: “If
what you do intend. at First You Don’t Succeed.” You try bringing up an
issue with your partner, but it doesn’t go well. They
become upset and change the subject. (https://www.
cruciallearning.com/blog/2015/12/if-at-first-you-dont-
succeed/)
Exercise
Instructions
Consider the Starter Conversation you chose to work on. Discuss the following questions
with your Learning Partner.
How does your new understanding of safety change the way you think about this
conversation?
Think about how the other person might misunderstand your intent. What is a
contrasting statement you could use?
Don’t:
Do:
Learn
HOW TO NOTICE THE
SUBTLE AND NOT-SO-
to Look
SUBTLE SIGNS THAT WE
AND OTHERS ARE NOT IN
DIALOGUE
BEFORE
Get Unstuck
Master My Stories
SILE N CE
SAFETY
DURING
POOL OF
Start with Heart
VE CE
RBA
L VI O L E N
Move to Action
AT THE END
for individual use only and cannot be used otherwise without permission. Learn to Look | 75
WHERE WE ARE GOING NEXT
The principles and skills we have discussed so far help us prepare for and initiate a
conversation. These skills often, although not always, progress in the order we discussed
them:
• First, we identify the right conversation to hold by considering content, pattern, and
relationship.
• Next, we create healthy emotions by mastering our stories. To do this, we separate
fact from story, watch for three clever stories, and then tell ourselves the rest of the
story.
• We finish our preparation and begin the conversation by starting with heart, focusing
on what we really want for ourselves, the other person, and the relationship. Once
we have clarity on our good intent, we share our good intent.
• With good intent as the foundation of our conversation, we can then state our path,
starting with Facts, Story, Ask.
• And if others misunderstand our good intent and become defensive, we know how to
step out of the content and restore safety with a contrasting statement.
Conversations can go in many different directions as others begin to add their

perspectives. In the remaining lessons you’ll learn skills to help you see and respond to
changing conditions in conversations. You can think of the skills in the first part of the
course as a series of steps. You can think of the rest of the skills as a set of tools to use if
and when you need them.
Skill #1
LOOK FOR SIGNS THAT
SAFETY IS AT RISK
PROBLEM
When people or groups leave dialogue, we often miss or misinterpret the
early warning signs.
SOLUTION
Notice the early signs that people are moving out of dialogue so that you
can get back in before it’s too late.
SILE N C E
Remember, communication SAFETY
is a continuum. When safety

is at risk, people move out of POOL OF
dialogue and into silence or SHARED
verbal violence. MEANING
SAFETY
VE CE
RBA
L VI O L E N
CRUCIAL TIP
Sometimes it’s okay to go to “silence” if it’s a short-term decision and it’s in preparation for a
later dialogue.
SILENCE DIALOGUE VERBAL

VIOLENCE
SILENCE
Any action taken to withhold
information from the pool of meaning.
This could look like:
• Understating true opinions (e.g., sarcasm

or sugarcoating)
• Using phrases like “some people”
instead of “I” when describing opinions
• Changing the topic when sensitive
subjects are brought up
• Withdrawing from conversations or
relationships
VERBAL VIOLENCE
Any action taken to compel others to see
things from your point of view.
This could look like:
• Exaggerating by using absolutes

• Labeling and name-calling
• Monopolizing conversation
• Using directive questions to control
• Belittling ideas or people
• Threatening
You can observe a lot
by just watching.
YOGI BERRA
Exercise:
WHAT DO YOU SEE?
• What are some examples of silence and verbal violence you see in your organization?
• Which is worse—silence or verbal violence?
• What do you notice people using in email, texting, and messaging?
Looking when you can’t see or hear the other person
More information is better when looking for signs that safety is at risk. Tone of voice and
body language are an important part of the data stream for most of us in face-to-face
communication. So, how do you look for early warning signs in written communication?
Expand your data stream to make up for the lack of other information (nonverbals).
Start by asking for more data. It sounds like . . .
• Email: “I haven’t heard back from you in a couple of days in response to the email
I sent you. I’m not sure how to interpret your silence. How are you feeling about
the proposal?”
• Telephone: “I wish I could see your face right now. I don’t know how you are
interpreting my message. Can you help me understand what you are thinking?”
• Direct Messaging: “When I read the comment that you posted on my social media
feed, I wasn’t sure how to take it. It seemed like you might be upset. Are you?”
CRUCIAL TIP
Match the medium to the risk. The riskier the disagreement, the more connection you’ll need. You
can probably overcome simple disagreements via email. But if there’s any chance of misconstruing
words, schedule a phone call. For even riskier conversations, use video chat. Can you resolve a
disagreement via text messaging? Maybe. But we don’t recommend it—unless you’re a teenager
looking to break up.
Skill #2
LOOK FOR YOUR STYLE
UNDER STRESS
Seeing the early signs of silence or verbal violence in others is important. Learning to
recognize them in ourselves is essential.
The following assessment will help you identify the communication style you revert to
when Crucial Conversations start getting intense.
Instructions.
• Decide if you want to focus on work or home.
• Think about a specific person or topic where you have trouble staying in dialogue
(perhaps your Starter Conversation).
• Candidly answer the questions below while keeping this Crucial Conversation in
mind (true or false).
Style Under Stress Assessment

1. At times I avoid situations that might bring me into contact with people I’m
□T □F
having problems with.
2. I have put off returning phone calls or emails because I simply didn’t want to
□T □F
deal with the person who sent them.
3. Sometimes when people bring up a touchy or awkward issue, I try to change

□T □F
the subject.
4. When it comes to dealing with awkward or stressful subjects, sometimes I

□T □F
hold back rather than give my full and candid opinion.
5. Rather than tell people exactly what I think, sometimes I rely on jokes,
□T □F
sarcasm, or snide remarks to let them know I’m frustrated.
6. When I’ve got something tough to bring up, sometimes I offer weak or insincere
□T □F
compliments to soften the blow.
7. In order to get my point across, I sometimes exaggerate my side of the

□T □F
argument.
8. If I seem to be losing control of a conversation, I might cut people off or change

□T □F
the subject in order to bring it back where I think it should be.
Continued on next page
Style Under Stress Assessment (Cont.)
9. When others make points that seem stupid to me, I sometimes let them know
□T □F
it without holding back at all.
10. When I’m stunned by a comment, sometimes I say things that others might
□T □F take as forceful or attacking—comments such as “Give me a break!” or “That’s
ridiculous!”
11. Sometimes when things get heated, I move from arguing against others’ points
□T □F
to saying things that might hurt them personally.
12. If I really get into a heated discussion, I’m sometimes tough on the other
□T □F
person. In fact, he or she might feel a bit insulted or hurt.
Note: You can also take the assessment online at https://www.cruciallearning.com/style-

under-stress-12-assessment.
Scoring
On the score sheet below, check the SILENCE VERBAL VIOLENCE
boxes where you answered “true.”
Add up the scores in each column □ 1 (T) □ 7 (T)
and record the total at the bottom of
□ 2 (T) □ 8 (T)
“Silence” or “Verbal Violence.”
□ 3 (T) □ 9 (T)
What Your Style Under Stress
□ 4 (T) □ 10 (T)
Score Means
The score helps you understand your □ 5 (T) □ 11 (T)
tendencies when you are in a Crucial □ 6 (T) □ 12 (T)
Conversation. It isn’t your personality,
but the higher your score, the more
likely you are to engage in those
Total: _______ Total: _______
behaviors with a specific person or
people like them. You’ll discuss with
your Learning Partner how these ideas
apply to your life.
CRUCIAL TIP
Ask colleagues, friends, and family to rate your Style Under Stress by answering the questions
about you rather than about themselves (https://www.cruciallearning.com/style-under-stress-
12-assessment). We are often on the wrong side of our own eyes, and it can be valuable to see
ourselves as others do.
“People who are gifted at dialogue
keep a constant vigil on safety.
They pay attention to the content—
that’s a given—and they watch for
signs that people are becoming
fearful. Nothing kills the flow of
meaning like fear.”
Big Ideas
LEARN TO LOOK Want More?
1.
Read This Chapter
The sooner we notice the Read more about Learn to Look in Crucial
signs that people aren’t Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High.
in dialogue, the earlier we
• For the third edition, read chapter 6.
can take action to return
to dialogue. Watch This Video
The Behavioral Science Guys share a
2.
humorous illustration of how silence is not safe. (https://
Knowing your Style Under youtu.be/rlTFOlU1KC8)
Stress can help you be
more self-aware in Crucial Read This Story
Crucial Conversations coauthor Al Switzler
Conversations. tells a story about how our “native tongue” always finds
its way out in conversations. (https://p.widencdn.net/
lxa1yc)
Read This Advice

Read this Crucial Skills article on how to learn
to look in real-life conversations: “Are You
Being Passive-Aggressive?” Would passive-aggressive
behavior be considered silence or just veiled verbal
violence? And what effect does it have? (https://www.
cruciallearning.com/blog/2016/10/are-you-being-
passive-aggressive/)
I haven’t known a thousand scamps; but
I never met one who considered himself
so. Self-knowledge isn’t so common.
Exercise OUIDA
REFLECTION
Instructions
Discuss the questions below with your Learning Partner.
As you consider your Style Under Stress score, are there times when you’re
more prone to silence and/or verbal violence? If so, what are the situations and
circumstances?
When you consider interactions you’ve had with the person or people involved in your
Starter Conversation, have you noticed more silence, verbal violence, or dialogue?
Seek Mutual HOW TO FIND COMMON
Purpose
GROUND, EVEN WHEN IT
SEEMS IMPOSSIBLE
BEFORE
Get Unstuck
Master My Stories
SILE N CE
SAFETY
DURING
POOL OF
Start with Heart
VE CE
RBA
L VI O L E N
Move to Action
AT THE END
for individual use only and cannot be used otherwise without permission. Seek Mutual Purpose | 85
Exercise
YOU’RE AT ODDS
Have you ever gotten frustrated in a conversation in which you and the other person
were at odds? You had totally different points of view and there didn’t seem to be a path
to reconciliation. Maybe the conversation turned into a heated argument, or maybe you
avoided the topic (and debate) altogether.
• Resource Allocation: Your colleague believes the majority of resources should go to

new products; you think the focus should be enhancing existing products.
• Politics: You disagree about a new law being proposed.
• Religion: You see a faith-based conversation in completely opposite ways.
• Social Justice: You and a friend argue over racially charged topics.
• Raising Kids: You and your co-parent are in complete opposition about child
discipline.
• Other (i.e., have you ever argued about something?)
Exercise
YOU’RE AT ODDS —WRITE YOUR STORY
Think about a specific Crucial Conversation (maybe one from the previous list) in which
you were at odds with someone. You wanted one thing; they wanted something else. The
conversation likely turned into a heated debate or complete avoidance.
Write the story below. Be sure that you answer the following questions:
• What was the disagreement about?
• Who were you disagreeing with?
• What was your position? What was their position?
Note: Choose something you’d feel comfortable sharing with a partner.
ANOTHER WAY?
We know that digging in and giving in won’t produce long-lasting, positive results. So we
look for a third way . . . and find a compromise. A compromise settles an argument by
asking each side to make concessions.
A compromise reached to soon will short-circuit meaningful dialogue.
PROBLEM
When we find ourselves at odds, our automatic reaction is to either dig
in, give in, or compromise.
SOLUTION
Step out of the content and create safety by finding common ground.
CRUCIAL TIP
Creating safety isn’t just something you do in a conversation, it’s something you do through your
behavior over time. Consider ways you can show mutual purpose in your actions. What does the
other person care about. How can you SHOW your interest in that purpose?
Skill
SEEK MUTUAL
PURPOSE
Take three steps to seek a mutual purpose and restore safety to the conversation.
THE STEP IT SOUNDS LIKE . . .
1. Agree to Agree • “It looks like we’re stuck here. I’d like to see if we can
The first step in breaking an impasse is to commit to seek come up with some shared goals.”
a mutual purpose: • “This doesn’t seem to be working. Let’s see if we can
come up with something we agree on.”
• Point out that you are at odds (step out of the
content). • “It seems like we’re both digging in. Why don’t we
spend some time looking for something that will make
• Commit to search for a goal that will benefit both of
us both happy?”
you (affirm your good intent).
• “Help me understand where you’re coming from.”

2. Ask Why • “What are you trying to achieve?”
Purpose is what we want, and strategy is how we get it.
Safety is created through a shared purpose. Before we • “Why is it you want ______?”
can find a MUTUAL purpose, we need to understand the
• “Tell me about . . . ”
other person’s purpose. We need to ask why.
• “I’m curious why . . . ”
3. Find the “And” • “So if we can get the project finished by January 15
Once you understand the other person’s purpose and
and within the existing budget, we’ll both be satisfied—
share yours, you may find that you’ve had a common goal
right?” (combining)
all along.
• “It seems like we have really different goals here.
If you’re still at odds, it’s time to find the “and.” And I’m honestly not sure we are going to be able to
accomplish both. I also think we both really want to
• See if you can combine both purposes. take care of our staff. What if we start there?” (higher-
• If this isn’t obvious, look for a higher-level or longer- level purpose)
term purpose.
CRUCIAL TIP
In order to build safety for you and the other person, your commitment to seek mutual purpose
must be made out loud.
SEE IT IN ACTION
Let’s see what all three steps looks like together. Read the situation below between Troy,
a manager, and Ester, his direct report. They are debating an important decision for their
team. Watch what happens to safety and how Troy uses the skill to bring it back.
CONDITION OF THE
THE CONTENT OF THE CONVERSATION
CONVERSATION
So, I understand that you think our project is at
risk because we’re short on head count. Here’s my
TROY: problem with that. We’re not in a situation to add to
our staff. So what I need from you are options, not
just a request for more people.
Well, I'm sorry, but that’s what we need—more

ESTER: The two are in opposition.
people. It’s as simple as that.
No, it’s not as simple as that. That’s my point. There Troy begins using “you”
are other options. You don't always have to deliver
TROY: statements. It starts to get
every feature your team dreams up. It’s not like we
personal.
have an endless amount of resources.
Oh, I see where this is going. You’re taking the Ester pushes back with
easy way out. You don't want to go to the launch
ESTER: more “you” statements
committee and fight for what we actually need—more
and personal attacks.
people.
And you're using this project as an excuse to increase

TROY:
your staff.
(Defensively) Wow, this is what I get for coming in

ESTER: here and being honest with you? I guess it’d be easier
if I just didn't care about quality.
(Pauses, composing himself and thinking for a Troy pauses and steps out
moment) You know what? This isn't working. We're of the content by pointing
TROY: just digging in and defending our own ideas. We’re
out what is happening to
not even problem-solving. We’re just attacking each
other. the conditions.
ESTER: I’m just looking out for my team.
Let’s see if we can come up with a solution that we’re

TROY: both happy with. Otherwise we’re gonna keep arguing
and nobody wins.
CONDITION OF THE
THE CONTENT OF THE CONVERSATION
CONVERSATION
Well, maybe we can come up with something we do
TROY:
agree on.
ESTER: I'm not sure what that is, in terms of this issue.
Let’s put aside the discussion about resolving this

issue and really nail down our end game. So rather Troy takes the next step:
TROY: than talking about head count, let's talk about
asking why.
what we both want. What are you really trying to
accomplish here?
Well, that’s easy. I want to make sure that the project

ESTER:
is completed without burning out my staff.
TROY: Makes sense. Anything else? Ask why . . . again.
Well, yeah. I want to make sure that we're able to

ESTER: finish on time and with amazing features. Right now,
we either burn out our staff or disappoint our client.
Fair enough. And I want to make sure we don't hire

new people and then when the project’s over lay
TROY: them off. That creates a terrible situation for the new Troy shares his why.
staff, plus our existing people begin worrying about
their jobs, and for no reason.
ESTER: I can see that.
Maybe we can add additional resources without

TROY Find the “and”
making permanent commitments.
[Feeling safe now and interested in brainstorming] They step back into the
ESTER:
We can look into . . . content.
CRUCIAL TIP
Ask for the other person’s why before sharing your own to create safety for them. Listen intently.
Don’t disagree or point out discrepancies. Simply affirm that you understand, then share your why.
Exercise:
YOU’RE AT ODDS—DISCUSS
Instructions.
Look back at the story you described on page 87. Share the story with your partner.
Discuss with your partner:

• How could you agree to agree?
• What do you think their why might be? What is your why?
• What is the “and”?
No Mutual Purpose?
You’ve stepped out of the argument and rebuilt safety by seeking a mutual purpose. Now
you step back into the content of the discussion and look for a solution that meets your
new mutual purpose. But what if there is still no solution?
You may have to end at compromise, but you don’t want to start with compromise.
Compromise feels different after a sincere effort to seek mutual purpose.
CRUCIAL TIP
When seeking mutual purpose, if you do the first step right, you’ve created an interim mutual
purpose (to stop digging in), which helps create an environment where you can start looking for a
longer-term mutual purpose.
Let’s Practice
SEEK MUTUAL PURPOSE
Instructions.
In groups of three:
1. Decide who will be the Initiator, who will be the Respondent, and who will be the
Coach for the first situation. (You’ll get to play all three roles.)
2. For each situation:
• Read the section of the situation that corresponds to your role.
• Do the practice situation as follows:
• Initiator—Read the scripted opening statement to start the conversation by

sharing your good intent and then starting with Facts, Story, Ask.
• Respondent—Respond according to your script. (Note: This will put you at
odds with the Initiator).
• Initiator—Take three steps to seek mutual purpose: agree to agree, ask why,
and find the “and.” You may want to refer to the “Sounds like” suggestions on
page 89.
• Share feedback.
• Rotate roles and move to the next situation.
3. Repeat the steps until you’ve completed all three situations.
Note: Your goal will be to practice the skills you’ve learned, not brainstorm all the solutions
for executing on your new mutual purpose. You’ll stop before the problem is completely
resolved.
SITUATION 1: WEBCAM STANDOFF
Initiator
You and the Respondent have been working together to plan a mini-conference for your
two teams. You’ve been able to agree on a topic and a speaker for the event. You’ve also
agreed to make it a virtual event since everyone is so spread out.
In your team, you’ve found it really helpful in meetings to have everyone turn on their
webcams. This helps people see and connect with each other. You’re not sure if the
Respondent has set the same expectation for their team. You really want everyone to have
their webcams on for this event, and you need to address this strong preference with your
peer.
As You Speak
Begin by sharing your good intent and starting with Facts, Story, Ask: “I wanted to talk
to you about something I think could have a big impact on the overall experience during
the event. I think we should require people to turn on their webcams so the presenter can
see them, and they can see each other. It’s a great way to get everyone to connect with
each other. What do you think?”
Make It Safe: To restore safety, seek mutual purpose:
• Agree to agree: Commit to search for a goal that will benefit both of you. (“It looks
like we’re at an impasse. I’d like to see if we can come up with some shared goals.”)
• Ask why: Stop arguing strategy (the what) and seek to understand their purpose
(the why). Then share yours. (“Help me understand where you’re coming from.”)
• Find the “and”: Combine your goals or look for higher-level or more encompassing
goals. (“So if we can ____, like you want, and ___, like I’m hoping to, then we’ll both
be happy, right?”)
Coach
Respondent’s part, if needed). After the Initiator starts the conversation, they will be required to
seek mutual purpose using the skill from this lesson.
Observe carefully how well the Initiator uses the skills. Remember, the three steps to seek mutual purpose
are 1) agree to agree, 2) ask why, and 3) find the “and.” After the discussion comes to an end, provide the
Initiator specific feedback about things they did well and things they can improve on.
SITUATION 1: WEBCAM STANDOFF
Respondent
The Initiator is your peer. You both lead teams in the organization, and those teams do
a lot of work together. So much so that you and the Initiator have decided to hold a joint
virtual “mini conference.” Your team is fully virtual and really comfortable with these kinds
of events. You’ve found in past events that it’s important people aren’t required to turn
on their webcams. Some people are working from home or in other places and don’t feel
comfortable sharing their home environment. You want to be sensitive to that. The most
important thing for you is that everyone feels included and comfortable participating. You
and your peer are now trying to finish the final details.
What to Say
After the Initiator starts the conversation, respond with, “Actually, I totally disagree with
that. That doesn’t work for my team, and I think forcing people to have their webcams on
the entire time is not very inclusive.”
If the Initiator tries to seek mutual purpose, be willing to consider it. As they ask you why,
explain that some people on your team have different family and cultural norms about
their homes and privacy. Many people work from home and don’t feel comfortable inviting
unknown coworkers into their home via webcam. You want to respect that and make sure
that everyone on the team feels comfortable attending the event.
When the Initiator suggests an “and,” agree with it and finish by saying, “We are still a
month out from the event. What if we talked over the schedule for the day and identified
some specific parts where we would suggest a webcam because the purpose is to
connect? That way people can plan ahead.”
If the Initiator seems to want to try to force everyone to turn on their webcams the whole
time, don’t back down. Tell them you know your team and what they need.
SITUATION 2: VACATION PLANS
Initiator
You and your significant other (the Respondent) are planning your yearly vacation.
You’d like to do something you’ve been dreaming about since you were a child. You
want to spend your two-week vacation in Malaysia watching orangutans (pronounced
uh·rang·uh·tanz) in their natural habitat. You’ve found a tour company that makes all of
the arrangements. All you have to do is find a way to get to Malaysia, and the tour group
does the rest. You’re not sure your significant other will be all that excited to spend two
weeks staring at orangutans, but, hey, if you don’t ask, how will you ever get to fulfill a
lifelong dream? You don’t really need to spend the whole vacation only doing this, but it
would be nice.
As You Speak
Begin by sharing your good intent and starting with Facts, Story, Ask: “I love the time
we spend together on vacation, so I’m really excited to talk about our plans. I have always
wanted to observe orangutans in their natural habitat, and I recently found an amazing
tour company in Malaysia that leads guided trips. This is a life-long dream of mine, and I
feel like this is my chance to make it a reality. What do you think?”
• Ask why: Stop arguing strategy (the what) and seek to understand their purpose
(the why). Then share yours. (“Help me understand where you’re coming from.”)
goals. (“So if we can____, like you want, and ___, like I’m hoping to, then we’ll both
Coach
SITUATION 2: VACATION PLANS
Respondent
You and your significant other (the Initiator) are about to plan your annual vacation. You
haven’t thought about it much, but you do know one thing: you like to visit new places
where you can spend time with and get to know the people. Your current interests lie in
the French culture—particularly Paris. Your significant other is about to ask you to take a
vacation that has been a lifelong dream—two weeks watching orangutans (pronounced
uh·rang·uh·tanz) in Malaysia. Orangutans aren’t people.
What to Say
After the Initiator starts the conversation, defiantly state that you’re interested in visiting a
different culture for sure, but you want to spend time with people, not orangutans. In fact,
you want to go to Paris.
If the Initiator tries to seek a mutual purpose (something that meets both your needs), be
willing to consider it. As they ask you “why,” explain that what you really want is to spend
time immersed in a culture and being with the people.
When the Initiator suggests an “and,” agree with it and finish with, “Yeah, maybe we could
talk . . . [then brainstorm a suggestion].”
If the Initiator seems controlling or uninterested in your view, plant a flag. Suggest that it’s
Paris or no trip at all.
SITUATION 3: FEATURE FEUD
Initiator
You and the Respondent have worked together for years and recently decided to start your
own company. You have a great idea for an app to help people budget their money better.
You are the design genius, and the Respondent brings the business savvy. There is a ton of
pressure on you right now to get an MVP (minimum viable product) out to the market for
testing. You are both living off your savings, and that won’t last forever.
Last night, you had a stroke of genius! You realized the app needs a new widget. It will take
a little time to program, but you know it will make a big difference in engagement and time
in the app. You’ve come to talk to your partner about adding the feature and adjusting the
timeline.
As You Speak
Begin by sharing your good intent and starting with Facts, Story, Ask: “I had the best
idea last night. I think it will be huge for us. I think we need to add a gaming element to the
budgeting feature. People will love it. Gaming apps are hugely popular right now. I know
adding it will push the timeline a little longer, but I totally think it is worth the delay. What
do you think?”
• Ask why: Stop arguing strategy (the what), understand their purpose (the why).
Then share yours. (“Help me understand where you’re coming from.”)
goals. (“So if we can ____, like you want, and ____, like I’m hoping to, then we’ll both
Coach
SITUATION 3: FEATURE FEUD
Respondent
Your business partner, the Initiator, is one of your favorite people. They are full of ideas
and creative energy. It’s the main reason you decided to go into business with them. It also
means that they are always wanting to change and modify things—even when it impacts
costs and time frames.
Right now, you’re in the middle of developing an exciting new app that’s really close to
being launched—that is, if you can keep your partner from adding any more new features.
You’ve already had to push the launch back, and your clients and investors are now more
anxious than ever. They want to see that you can actually deliver something within the
promised time frames. You’re getting a little bit impatient with the constant changes and
iterations. You want to get something out in the market yesterday.
What to Say
When the Initiator starts the conversation, come back with force. “We have already pushed
twice. There is no way we’re doing it again. We’ve got to stick with our current timeline!”
If the Initiator tries to seek a mutual purpose (something that meets both your needs),
be willing to consider it. As they ask why, explain that what you really want is to keep
your company viable. You think that getting the app out there and meeting your investor
commitments is the key to keeping the money flowing.
When the Initiator suggests an “and,” agree with it and finish with, “Yeah, maybe we could
talk about . . . [then brainstorm a suggestion].”
If the Initiator seems to push for only what they want, don’t back down from the original
plan. Tell them you are not willing to risk the company’s future.
“Mutual Purpose is the entry
condition of dialogue.
Find a shared goal, and you
have both a good reason and a
healthy climate for talking.”
Big Ideas
SEEK MUTUAL Want More?
PURPOSE
Read This Chapter

Read the section “Create a Mutual Purpose”
in Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes
1.
Are High.
When at odds with others, • For the second edition, read it in chapter 5.
fight the urge to dig in, give • For the third edition, read it in chapter 7.
in, or compromise.
Watch This Video
2.
Master Trainer Dave Angel shares key insights
A compromise reached to finding common ground. (https://youtu.be/jHTsdQl_
too soon will short-circuit LV4)
dialogue.
Read This Advice
3.
Read this Crucial Skills article on how to seek
Find common ground by mutual purpose in real-life conversations:
agreeing to agree, asking “Being at Odds with Your Spouse.” She wants to spend
the money now. He wants to save for retirement. How
why, and finding the “and.” can there be a resolution? (https://www.cruciallearning.
com/blog/2016/04/being-at-odds-with-your-spouse/)
Exercise
REFLECTION
Instructions
With your Learning Partner, discuss and answer the following questions:
When do you find yourself at odds with others (professional and/or personal)? How
could seeking a mutual purpose help?
What makes it hard for you to seek mutual purpose? How can you overcome that?
If applicable, consider your Starter Conversation. How are you at odds with that
person? What is your purpose? What do you think their purpose is? Could seeking
mutual purpose help?
Explore HOW TO LISTEN AND
Others’ Paths
RESPOND TO OTHERS’
MEANING
BEFORE
Get Unstuck
Master My Stories
SILE N CE
SAFETY
DURING
POOL OF
Start with Heart
VE CE
RBA
L VI O L E N
Move to Action
AT THE END
for individual use only and cannot be used otherwise without permission. Explore Others’ Paths | 103
Most conversations are simply monologues
delivered in the presence of witnesses.
MARGARET MILLAR
PROBLEM
Others have important meaning to contribute, and we aren’t hearing it.
SOLUTION
Foster an inclusive space for others’ meaning.
We typically join people at the end of their Path to Action (feelings and actions). When they
only share conclusions and feelings, we know what they think and conclude but aren’t
sure what we or others have done. If we don’t get to the facts behind the feelings, we
suffer the effects of their feelings or join them in silence or verbal violence. We need to
be willing to listen. We need to invite others to share what’s on their minds—to add to the
pool of meaning.
Exercise:
WHAT KEEPS YOU FROM LISTENING
Instructions.
Think about someone who is hard for you to listen to. Maybe every conversation with this
person is difficult, or maybe it is just specific topics.
What keeps you from being a better listener with this person?
• I am uncomfortable with silence and tend to jump in and talk.
• I am uncomfortable with the topic being discussed.
• I have so much passion for this topic and want to share my views. It can make it
hard for me to listen to others.
• I am not really interested in the topic, so it makes it hard to pay attention.
• I don’t like or respect this person.
• Other
THREE PRINCIPLES OF LISTENING
1. Your ability to truly listen is largely determined by

your motive.
2. It’s not the other person telling you their thoughts that
builds the relationship; it’s them watching you listen.
3. Seek the truth in what others say rather than seek to

disprove them. Listen to understand rather than listen
to respond.
Which of the three principles resonate most with you and why?
TWO TIMES TO LISTEN

1. You have invited the other person’s meaning, and they aren’t sharing it.
2. The other person has come to you with a tough message (one that will be hard for
you to hear).
CRUCIAL TIP
To avoid overreacting to others’ stories, stay curious. Give your brain a problem to stay focused
on. Ask: “Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person say this?” This question keeps you
retracing the other person’s Path to Action until you can see how it all fits together.
Skill #1
EXPLORE WITH
AMPP
ASK with intent

“I’d really like to hear your opinion on this. How do you
see this?”
MIRROR to reflect what you are seeing

“You’re saying X, but your tone of voice and body
language say Y.”
PARAPHRASE to reflect what you are hearing

“Let’s see if I’ve got this right. You spoke up in the
meeting, but . . . ”
PRIME to reflect what you think the issue might be

“Is it something I’ve done that has you upset?”
Let’s Practice
LISTENING, ASKING, PARAPHRASING
Instructions: Talker
Pick a question to answer from the list below. Then share your thoughts about that
question. But be brief—just two or three sentences. The goal is to give your answer, not
to explain your answer or all the supporting reasons. The Listener will then take three
minutes to ask you follow-up questions to better understand your view.
After three minutes of back and forth, the Listener will take one minute to paraphrase
what they think they heard you say.
Instructions: Listener
Your partner, the Talker, will choose a question from the list below. They will briefly tell
you the question they chose and their answer. Your job is to take three minutes to ask
questions to better understand the Talker’s perspective. Note: It’s easy to ask, “Why do
you think that?” but that doesn’t often encourage as much richness as other questions. So
consider some of the sample questions below.
After three minutes of back and forth, take one minute to paraphrase what you think you
heard from the Talker.
Questions for the Talker to choose from:

• If you couldn’t have your current job, what job would you want?
• Given the choice of anyone in the world, who would you want as a dinner guest?
• Would you like to be famous? In what way?
• What would constitute a ”perfect” day for you?
• For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
• If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what
would it be?
Sample questions for the Listener to help explore the Talker’s path:
• What experiences have you had that made you come to that opinion?
• How would you . . . ?
• What makes that so interesting for you?
The key to learning is feedback. It’s
Skill #2 nearly impossible to learn anything
RESPOND WITH
without it.
STEVEN D. LEVITT
ABC
When someone brings a Crucial Conversation to us, we

instinctively prepare to defend ourselves against the unknown.
Instead of fighting back, pause and respond with ABC:
Agree When You Agree

Most arguments consist of battles over the 5 to 10 percent of the facts and stories that
people disagree over. And while it’s true that people eventually need to work through
differences, you shouldn’t start there. Start with an area of agreement.
If you completely agree with the other person’s path, say so and move on. Agree when you
agree. Don’t turn an agreement into an argument. You could say: “That’s a good point. I
hadn’t considered that before. I think you are right. Thanks for raising this.”
Build When Others Leave Out Key Pieces

The reason most of us turn agreements into debates is because we disagree with a certain
portion of what the other person has said. The easiest way for us to be right is to point
out where the other person is wrong. When another person offers a suggestion (based on
facts and stories), you’re looking to disagree. And when you do find a minor difference, you
turn this snack into a meal. Instead of remaining in healthy dialogue, you end up in violent
disagreement.
On the other hand, when you watch people who are skilled in dialogue, it becomes
clear that they’re not playing this game. It’s the opposite. They’re looking for points of
agreement that they can build on. Rather than saying: “Wrong. You forgot to mention . . . ”
they say: “Absolutely. In addition, I noticed that . . . ”
If you agree with what has been said but the information is incomplete, build. Point out
areas of agreement and then add any elements that were left out of the discussion.
Compare When You Differ
Finally, if you do disagree, compare your view with the other person’s. That is, rather than
suggest that they are wrong, suggest that you differ. They may, in fact, be wrong, but you
don’t know for sure until you hear both sides of the story. For now, you just know that the
two of you differ. So instead of pronouncing “Wrong!” start with a tentative but candid
opening. For example:
• “I see things differently. Let me describe how.”

• “I come at this from a different perspective.”
• “My experience is different from yours. Can I share it?”
CRUCIAL TIP
When an unexpected Crucial Conversation is initiated on us, sometimes the best thing to do is call
for a pause to compose your thoughts and emotions. Taking a pause doesn’t mean taking a pass on
the conversation. It can sound like:
• “Okay, I am glad you shared this. Give me a few minutes to process things.”
• “I’d be happy to chat about this. Can you give me a moment to gather my thoughts and then I’ll
reach out to you?”
• “I’m not trying to get out of this conversation. I want to talk about it, but I want to get myself in a
better place. Would that be okay?”
Feedback only hurts when
we believe it threatens our
perceived safety or worth.
Retake your pen and remind yourself of your
capacity and responsibility to secure your
own safety and define your own worth.
“People who routinely seek
to find out why others are
feeling unsafe do so because
they have learned that getting
at the source of fear and
discomfort is the best way to
return to dialogue.”
Big Ideas
EXPLORE Want More?
OTHERS’ PATHS
Read This Chapter

Read more about Explore Others’ Paths in
Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes
1.
Are High.
Your ability to truly listen • In the second edition, read chapter 8.
is largely determined by • In the third edition, read chapter 9.
your motive.
Watch This Video
2.
Master Trainer Emily Gregory shares a
It’s not them telling powerful story of a father who works to listen more to
you that builds the his family. When you start exploring with patience and
practice, you discover that people see you in a whole
relationship; it is them
new light. (https://youtu.be/3ybixjUkHY0)
watching you listen.
Read This Advice
3. Seek for the truth in what Read this Crucial Skills article on how to use
Explore Others’ Paths in real-life conversations:
others say rather than “How to Be on the Receiving End of a Crucial
seek to disprove them. Conversation.” You can be good at instigating a Crucial
Listen to understand Conversation but horrible at receiving one. (https://www.
cruciallearning.com/blog/2017/06/how-to-be-on-the-
rather than listen to
receiving-end-of-a-crucial-conversation/)
respond.
4. Feedback from others,

while valuable, does not
define our self-worth.
Continuous improvement is better
than delayed perfection.
MARK TWAIN
Exercise
REFLECTION
Instructions
With your Learning Partner, discuss:
What will it take for you to become a better listener?
Think of some tough feedback you’ve received and the way you responded. What are
some insights you gained in this lesson you could use as you receive tough feedback in
the future?
What is the worst possible response you could get with your Starter Conversation?
What skills would you use to address it?
Move to HOW TO TURN A CRUCIAL
Action
CONVERSATION INTO
ACTION AND RESULTS
BEFORE
Get Unstuck
Master My Stories
SILE N CE
SAFETY
DURING
POOL OF
Start with Heart
VE CE
RBA
L VI O L E N
Move to Action
AT THE END
for individual use only and cannot be used otherwise without permission. Move to Action | 115
Skill
DOCUMENT WHO DOES WHAT BY
WHEN AND FOLLOW UP
PROBLEM
When we finish a Crucial Conversation, we often create a whole new set
of problems by not ending it well.
SOLUTION
Document who does what by when and how you will follow up to ensure
action and change.
It’s easy to let assignments fall through the cracks. When ending a discussion, document
the following factors:
• Who
• Does what
• By when
• How we will follow up
In your meetings, which of these are done poorly or are missed altogether?
CRUCIAL TIP
Assign someone at the beginning of the meeting to be in charge of recording all commitments
made and have them verbally review them at the end of the meeting. Seems obvious, but how often
do we leave it this up to chance?
We have to understand the world can only
be grasped by action, not by contemplation.
J. BRONOWSKI
ONE-ON-ONE CONVERSATIONS
What about conversations with one person?
Establishing who will do what by when and a follow-up plan seems more natural to do in
meetings. But how do you do it in one-on-one conversations without sounding ridiculously
bureaucratic?
1. Summarize for understanding. “Great. This has been a really helpful conversation,
and it feels like we are in a really good place. I want to recap what we have talked
about just to make sure I have it all right.”
2. Make sure you have identified an action. What’s going to change because of
this conversation? Share the why behind this: “I am so glad we have had this
conversation. I feel like we are headed in a good direction. And I want to make sure
I am clear on what we each need to do differently going forward. In terms of my
commitments, I’ll . . . ”
3. When you make a follow-up plan, think of it more as a plan to check in rather than
check up: “I think this is great. Thanks for taking the time to really dig into this. If it’s
okay with you, I’ll circle back next week for a quick check just to make sure that after
we have had some time to sit with this, everything still seems okay and on track for
both of us.”
Big Ideas
MOVE TO ACTION Want More?
1.
Read This Chapter
A conversation that ends Read more about Move to Action in Crucial
with agreement is good. Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High.
A conversation that ends
• In the third edition, read chapter 11.
with action is better.
Watch This Video
2.
Master Trainer Dave Nelson shares insights
Ask yourself, “What
for ending a conversation with skill. (https://youtu.be/
have I learned from gbdgHaYgRxU)
this conversation? How
has it impacted my Read This Advice
Read this Crucial Skills article on how to move
thinking? What should I do to action in real-life conversations: “Responding
differently based on this to False Accusations.” What to do when a coworker tells
conversation?” inaccurate stories about you and your work. (https://
www.cruciallearning.com/blog/2019/07/responding-to-
3.
false-accusations/)
A plan to act is not
complete without a plan
to follow up.
Exercise
Are you ready to hold a Crucial Conversation?
Make and record the following commitments about your Starter Conversation:
• Who: you
• What: hold a Crucial Conversation
• By when: _______________
• Follow up with your Learning Partner_______________
Exercise
REALLY WANT TO GET BETTER?
People who improve their conversation skills most often do so by working on just one
skill at a time. They master that and then move to another skill. What skill will you work
on first?
Take two minutes to review all the skills we have learned below. Choose the one you
will work on developing first.
□ Unbundle with CPR (Content, Pattern, Relationship)

□ Separate Facts from Stories
□ Watch for Three Clever Stories
□ Tell the Rest of the Story
□ Focus on What You Really Want
□ Share Your Good Intent
□ Start with Facts, Story, Ask
□ Contrast to Fix Misunderstandings
□ Look for Signs That Safety Is at Risk
□ Look for Your Style Under Stress
□ Seek Mutual Purpose
□ Explore with AMPP (Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, and Prime)
□ Respond with ABC (Agree, Build, Compare)
□ Document Who Does What by When and Follow Up
Now that you’ve picked a skill, set a series a reminders to check in with yourself on how
you are doing with the skill.
Next Steps for Success

Here are three more things you can do to get better right now:
1. Sign up for after-training reminder emails. These weekly emails provide tips and
hints for using the skills you learned. (https://go.cruciallearning.com/dialoguecoach.
html)
2. Engage a partner. Tell someone in your life what your plans for improvement are.
3. Use the pages that follow to support you in your learning and growth.
EXAMPLE RESPONSES TO PRACTICE SITUATIONS
Start with Heart: Share Your Good Intent
Situation 1: Renegotiation Conversation
I wanted to talk with you about what I’m working on right now. I want to make sure I am
focusing on the highest-leverage work, and I’d like to get your help on prioritizing what’s
most important.
Situation 2: Managing Meetings

Thanks for asking. I do have some thoughts on how the meetings are being run. I know you
care about creating space for collaboration. I also think we could make some changes that
would maintain collaboration and make the meetings more efficient and effective.
Situation 3: Distracted Spouse

I was hoping we could talk about some things I have noticed lately in terms of bringing
work home. I absolutely understand how busy you are and don’t want to minimize the
stress you are under. I also want to make sure that we are both doing things to prioritize
each other and our relationship.
Situation 4: Close the Loop

I wanted to chat with you about the process workflow you told us about this morning. It’s
your team and your process. I just had some feedback I wanted to share about ways it
might impact other teams.
for individual use only and cannot be used otherwise without permission. Resources | 121
State My Path: Facts, Story, Ask
Situation 1: The Insensitive Coworker
Facts: I noticed you sent in a request for a job to be done in one month that we calculated
should take about two months. Even if we put other projects on hold and focus on just this,
we won’t be able to make this deadline.
Ask: What are your thoughts?
Situation 2: Overlooked Contribution

Facts: Yesterday in team meeting, I suggested a change to the project plan. Andre
immediately jumped in and agreed with the idea. At the end of the meeting, I overheard
you thank him for his good idea. I wouldn’t say something about this, but it’s the third time
it has happened this month.
Story: It seems like you may not be seeing the contribution I am making.
Ask: I wanted to check this out with you and get your thoughts.
Situation 3: The Silent Complainer

Facts: I noticed that when the deadline was brought up in the meeting, you didn’t say
anything. You didn’t share any of the concerns you are sharing now.
Story: It seems like you feel “forced” to accept a deadline, but in reality you haven’t
spoken up about your concerns.
Ask: How do you see it?
Situation 4: The Right Hire

Facts: As I reviewed your recommend candidate for the new role on your team, I noticed
that they appear to have a very similar profile to the others on your team. Similar
education, background, race, gender. I looked at the full candidate pool, and there appear
to be other highly qualified candidates that would bring more diversity to your team, and a
fresh perspective.
Story: I am wondering if you have concerns about our focus on increasing diversity or if
you have concerns about some of the other candidates in the pool.
Ask: Can you help me understand?
State My Path: Facts, Story, Ask
Situation 5: Family Politics
Facts: In the last few months, it seems like we have been arguing more and more about
politics. I know we have different views, and that is totally fine. What’s hard for me is
when we are talking about our views, you often use words like “brainwashed,” “naïve,” or
“morally bankrupt” to describe my position.
Story: It seems to me like you are more interested in being right and putting down my
views than in trying to understand them. More concerning to me is that this is starting to
create real distance between us, and that is not what I want.
Ask: Can we talk about it?
Situation 6: Feedback Phobia

Facts: Last week, I made a couple of suggestions about how you might approach your
work in a way that is more efficient and less frustrating. You seemed distracted by your
phone. I also heard from Sanjay that he made a few suggestions and you dismissed them
saying you’d be fine.
Story: It is important to me that we are all working together and helping each other on our
team. Part of that is giving and receiving feedback. And it seems like it can be difficult for
you to take feedback and suggestions from others, including me.
Ask: How are you seeing this?
Make It Safe: Contrasting
Situation 1: Promotion Conversation
Contrasting Statement #1: No, I am not saying that at all. I really enjoy the team and
our work, and I want to stay a part of it. At the same time, I do want to understand what
opportunities there are for me to continue to grow into new roles.
Contrasting Statement #2: I know you advocated for me three years ago, and I deeply
appreciate that. I am not looking to abandon you or the team. I do want to make sure
that I can progress in my career in meaningful ways and would like to explore what
opportunities there are for me here.
Situation 2: Interrupting Peer

Contrasting Statement #1: Not at all. I think you do value people and their ideas. I am
suggesting that the way you interrupt in meetings may signal that you don’t value other
ideas when in fact you do.
Contrasting Statement #2: I don’t think that is the case. You are essential in those project
meetings and have important contributions. At the same time, I think you could show up
even more effectively if you interrupted less frequently.
Situation 3: Double Standard

Contrasting Statement #1: I wasn’t trying to make an accusation, and I am sorry if it came
across that way. I wanted to have a discussion about a potential blind spot and how I see it
impacting the team.
Contrasting Statement #2: No. That is not what I am saying. I don’t think any of us want to
make bad decisions or implement poor ideas. I do think it is good to be aware of the way
you may be unknowingly responding to different ideas.
CONVERSATION PLANNER
Use the following worksheet to plan your next Crucial Conversation (high stakes, opposing
opinions, strong emotions).
Get Unstuck
Who is the Crucial Conversation with, and what is it about?
Choose the right issue to address by using CPR. Identify:
• Content Issues:
• Pattern Issues:
• Relationship Issues:
Which is the right issue you need to address to get unstuck?
Master My Stories
What stories are you telling yourself about the situation or the person (victim,
villain, helpless)?
Challenge your negative stories by telling the rest of the story. Ask yourself:
• What’s my role?
Start with Heart
Get your intent right by asking yourself,
What do I really want . . .
• For myself?
• For the other person?
• For the relationship?
• For the organization (if applicable)?
How can you share your good intent at the beginning of the conversation?
State Mte My Path

Create a script for how you will begin the conversation. Start with facts, then tell your
story, and be sure to end with a question that invites the other person into dialogue.
MY FACTS MY STORY THE QUESTION I’LL ASK
Make It Safe
Think about how the other person might misunderstand your intent. What is a
contrasting statement you could use?
Learn To Look
How will you manage your Style Under Stress (silence, verbal violence, both) in this
conversation?
Seek Mutual Purpose

If applicable, in what ways are you at odds with the other person? What is your
purpose? What do you think their purpose is? How could you seek mutual purpose?
Explore Others’ Paths

How could you use the AMPP (Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, Prime) skill to help the other
person join you in dialogue?
If applicable, what feedback does the other person have for you? How can you use ABC
(Agree, Build, Compare)?
Move to Action
What actions will/may be the result of this conversation?
• Who:
• Will do what:
• By when:
• How you’ll follow up:
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COMMUNICATION SOLUTIONS
Turn disagreement into dialogue by speaking Resolve problems of poor performance, broken
up candidly, respectfully, and quickly. commitments, and violated expectations.
PERFORMANCE SOLUTIONS
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LEADERSHIP SOLUTIONS Enjoy a 20% discount to

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at CrucialLearning.com.
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organizational goals. Discount does not apply to on-demand courses,
certifications, or bulk learner license purchases.
ABOUT CRUCIAL LEARNING

Crucial Learning improves the world by helping people improve themselves. By combining social
science research with innovative instructional design, we create flexible learning experiences that
teach proven skills for solving life’s most stubborn personal, interpersonal, and organizational
problems. We offer courses in communication, performance, and leadership, focusing on behaviors
that have a disproportionate impact on outcomes, called crucial skills. Our award-winning courses and
accompanying best-selling books include Crucial Conversations, Crucial Accountability, Influencer,
The Power of Habit, and Getting Things Done. Together they have helped millions achieve better
relationships and results, and nearly half of the Forbes Global 2000 have drawn on these crucial skills
to improve organizational health and performance.
www.CrucialLearning.com
for individual use only and cannot be used otherwise without permission.
THE CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS MODEL
BEFORE
Get Unstuck
Master My Stories
SILE N CE
SAFETY
DURING
POOL OF
Start with Heart
VE CE
RBA
L VI O L E N
Move to Action
AT THE END
SITUATION SKILLS
Your results and relationships are Unbundle with CPR

suffering. Use CPR (Content, Pattern, Relationship) to identify the conversation you need to
hold to get unstuck.
Master Your Stories

Separate facts from stories to neutralize emotions: “What did I see and hear?”
You’re getting emotional or telling Tell the rest of the story by asking:
negative stories. • What’s my role?
Start with Heart

Your intent is degrading. Get your intent right: What do I really want for me? For the other person? For the
relationship? For the organization?
You need to start a conversation and

you’re not sure how to make the other
Share Your Good Intent
“My goal here is to . . . ” or “I want to see you succeed, so I have . . . ”
person comfortable to hear it.
State Your Path

• Share your facts: “I noticed . . . ” or “We agreed that . . . yet, I’m not seeing . . . ”
You want to initiate a Crucial
• Tell your story: “I’m wondering if . . . ” or “It seems to me . . . ”
Conversation.
• Ask for others’ paths: “What’s your view?” or “Help me understand . . . ?”
• How? With confidence and humility
Someone is getting defensive because Contrast

• “I don’t think/mean/want______ (their fear/misunderstanding).”
they misunderstand your intent.
• “I do think/mean/want______ (your actual purpose/intent).”
A conversation has been initiated, and Learn to Look

you are trying to note the responses and • For signs that safety is at risk.
feelings of everyone in the conversation. • For your own Style Under Stress.
Seek Mutual Purpose

You and the other person are at odds to • Agree to agree: “Can we look for something we both agree on?”
the point of arguing or a stalemate. • Ask why: “Why do you want _____?” and “I want this because _____”
• Find the “and”: “So, if you get _____ and I get _____, we’re both happy?”
Explore Others’ Paths

• Ask: “What do you think about . . . ”
You invited someone into the
• Mirror: “You say you’re ok, but your tone of voice and the look on your face . . . ”
conversation, and they’re not engaging.
• Paraphrase: “So, you’re saying that _____.”
• Prime: “Is your concern that if we _________?”
Respond with ABC

Someone brings a Crucial Conversation • Agree: “That’s a good point. I agree.”
to you. • Build: “I think that makes sense and I would also add . . . ”
• Compare: “Hmm . . . that is different than how I have thought about it. I
thought that . . . ”
Your conversation is coming to an end.

Move to Action
Determine who does what by when and how you’ll follow up.
Get Unstuck Master My Stories I
How to spot the Crucial Conversations that are keeping you from what you want PATH TO ACTION
How to keep your strong emotions from taking control of the conversation
Anytime you find yourself stuck, there’s likely a Crucial

Conversation you’re either not holding or not holding well.
Skill: Unbundle with CPR HEAR STORY
Content: A single instance of a problem
Pattern: A reoccurring problem or pattern of behavior over time Big Ideas

Relationship: How the problem is affecting your relationship • When strong emotions threaten to take over a
conversation, it’s not enough to just control or suppress
them.
• HEAR
Our emotions areSTORY
not a function of what others are saying
or doing but of the story we tell ourselves.
Master My Stories II Start with Heart

How to create emotions that will bring you into dialogue How to stay SEE & on whatTELL
focused A wantFEEL
you really ACT
HEAR STORY
Skill #1 If you don’t talk it out, you’ll act it out.

Separate facts from stories: “What did I see or hear?”
Skill #1
Skill #2 Focus on what you really want.
Watch for three clever stories (victim, villain, helpless). • What do my actions communication about my intent?
Skill #3: • WhatHEAR
do I really want—for
STORY me? For the other person? For
Tell the rest of the story. our relationship? For our organization?
• What’s my role? Skill #2
• Why would a reasonable, rational, decent person do this? Share your good intent.
• What should I do right now to move toward what I
really want?
HEAR STORY
State My Path Make It Safe

How to start a conversation with respect and honesty How to talk to almost anyone about almost anything
Skill: Start with Facts, Story, Ask People rarely become defensive about what you’re saying
(the content). People become defensive because of why they
Share your facts:
“I noticed . . . ” or “We agreed that . . . and yet, I’m not seeing . . . ” think you’re saying it (your intent).
Tell your story: Skill: Contrast to Fix Misunderstandings

“I’m beginning to wonder if . . . ” or “It seems to me . . . ”
• “I don’t intend . . . ”
Ask for others’ paths:
“What’s your view?” or “Help me understand . . . ?” • “I do intend . . . ”
How? With confidence and humility
Learn to Look Seek Mutual Purpose
How to notice the subtle and not-so-subtle signs that we and others are How to find common ground even when it seems impossible
not in dialogue
Silence: Any action taken to withhold information from the pool A compromise reached too soon will short-circuit meaningful
of meaning. dialogue.
Verbal violence: Any action taken to compel others to see
things from your point of view. Skill
Skill #1 • Agree to agree: Commit to search for a goal that will
Look for signs that safety is risk. benefit both of you.
• Ask why: Stop arguing strategy (the how) and seek to
Skill #2 understand their purpose (the why). Then share yours.
Look for your Style Under Stress.
• Find the “and”: Combine your goals or look for higher-level
or more encompassing goals.
Explore Others’ Paths Move to Action

How to listen and respond to others’ meaning How to turn a Crucial Conversation into action and results
When others have important meaning to contribute, actively The value of a Crucial Conversation is only partially defined
foster an inclusive space for their meaning. by the connection it creates between people. The other part
of it’s value is the change that comes from the conversation.
Skill #1
Explore with AMPP (Ask, Mirror, Paraphrase, Prime) Skill: Document WWWF
• Who
Skill #2
Respond with ABC (Agree, Build, Compare) • Does what
• By when
• How we’ll follow up
©2021 VitalSmarts L.C., DBA Crucial Learning. All rights reserved.
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Hold others accountable in ways that

Manage their workflow and

Drive sustainable change in

Achieve their potential through

In this course, you will learn:

• What to do before a Crucial Conversation to:

• What to do during a Crucial Conversation to:

• Stay focused on what you really want.

• What to do at the end of a Crucial Conversation to:

• Turn a Crucial Conversation into action and results.

Get Unstuck CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS

Conversations turn crucial when three elements are present:

You can think of Crucial Conversations as a type of crossroads—depending on how you

Discuss with your group:

CRUCIAL CONVERSATIONS INSIGHT:

First: We move to silence.

Second: We move to verbal violence—

SILENCE DIALOGUE VERBAL

Follow the instructions below to choose your Starter Conversation.

When it comes to Crucial Conversations, we often choose the wrong

What are the content issues?

What are the pattern issues?

What are the relationship issues?

AND 100% respectful. Read This Advice

• With whom you’ll feel comfortable sharing.

Once you’ve selected your Learning Partner, take turns:

The conversation you will hold:

THE PATH TO ACTION

SEE & TELL A FEEL ACT

SEE & TELL A FEEL ACT

Second, you tell a story.

Third, you generate a feeling.

Fourth, you act.

We tell stories quickly.

We’re our own worst enemy.

THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL

YOU SEE, HEAR

YOU TELL A STORY

Read This Chapter

2. Our emotions are not a

How are those emotions impacting the way you act?

ANALYZE YOUR STORIES

How are stories different from facts?

• Judgments determine whether facts are good or bad.

• Conclusions help us fit elements together.

• Attributions tell us why people do what they do.

What did I see or

When you give up the certainty that your story

Victim Stories “It’s not my fault!”

Villain Stories “It’s all your fault!”

Helpless Stories “There’s nothing else I can do!”

In telling clever stories, we conveniently leave out relevant

Tell the Rest of the Story

When telling a villain story, ask:

When telling a helpless story, ask:

As we engage in this self-reflection, it is crucial to recognize the difference between

Read This Chapter

1. Review the stories you identified on page 18.

THE FACTS MY STORIES