TORN UP

101st Entry

Mihle

When she said that in front of Aphindiwe I felt

like I couldn't think,no I was planning on lying
about it ku Phindi but this wasn't the right time
to say it kuye, this wasn't how I had it planned...
Aphindiwe: "Mihle"
My name came out as a whisper from her
mouth and I knew she was expecting me to say
something but I just looked at her, my mind
flushed. She had her stare on me and as I
started back I noticed her eyes filling up with
tears, right now I hated myself. I knelt in front of
her and touched her knees, she looked at me
waiting for me to talk but I didn't, I couldn't...
Aphindiwe: "Mihle say something"
Nomthandazo: "Ufune athini?."
Mihle: "I don't know babe. I don't know if
unyanisile"
Nomthandazo: "You don't know if ndinyanisile!
Mihle are you for real?! We spoke about this"
Me: "We spoke about it Nomthandazo but we
didn't run any tests, so I don't know how true
this is!"
Nomthandazo: "I'll prove it to you"
I looked at her as she walked towards my
headboard, opened the drawers and pulled out
that pregnancy test which I had forgotten was
even there, she walked out of the room and I
averted my gaze to the girl who was sitting on
the bed looking afar...
Me: "Phindi"
She didn't move or answer, her eyes were
staring somewhere and she looked like she was
thinking deep, I caught the tear which fell out of
her eye
"Phindi ndiyakucela babe. Look at me, please
Mambhele ndicela undijonge."
When I saw her not turning or responding, I held
her face and turned her ngokwam, she looked
at me her eyes still full of tears, waqhwanyaza
releasing the tears which filled her eyes...
Me: "Say something"
I got up from my knees and sat on the bed next
to her, she shifted on the bed and faced me,
that gave me a little bit of hope, I didn't want to
see her break this much, I just didn't want this,
she looked at my hands which I placed on top
of hers before whispering
"Why?"
Me: "Bendizokuxelela Phindi, I wasn't sure if
she's carrying umntanam"
Aphindiwe: "Umntana'kho"
Me: "Baby?"
Aphindiwe: "Undifunani Mihle"
She was now wiping her tears with the back of
her hand, I looked at her my lips parted a little
with my eyebrows furrowed at her, she repeated
herself, her voice cracky containing hurt
"Just tell me uba undifunani Mihle?"
The tears which she dried not long ago filled up
her eyes again and she looked at me waiting for
me to answer, which I did
Me: "Ndifuna wena baby, I want to love you
Aphindiwe"
Aphindiwe: "Undifuna ntoni Mihle? What do you
want from me?"
Me: "Baby don't"
She was about to talk when Nomthandazo
walked in, the sound of her heels irritating the
shit out of me, she roughly placed it on my
headboard and looked at us, I still had my eyes
on this young lady who seemed to be doubting
my decision
Nomthandazo: "Mihle nantsi itest and it's
positive."
I kept quiet, waiting for Aphindiwe to answer me
but instead of talking, she had her eyes on me
before averting them to Nomthandazo
Aphindiwe: "Congratulations"
Nomthandazo: "So uyabona uba awudingeki
apha?"
Me: "Fuck off Nomthandazo"
Aphindiwe: "Maybe she's right"
Me: "Baby you not going to do this to us. Not
now"
Aphindiwe: "But you lied to me!"
I got up and looked at her, she couldn't be
serious kengoku
"You lied to me Mihle."
Me: "I didn't lie, I just didn't say anything
because I didn't know if uNomthandazo was
really pregnant or not"
Aphindiwe: "And if she was, ubuzondixelela?"
I knelt before her again and looked at her, she
was now beginning to cry again and to be
honest seeing her like this hurt me
Me: "Ewe, I was"
Aphindiwe: "Suxoka Mihle. Just don't lie to me
please, suxoka!"
I tried touching her and this time around she
flinched but I wasn't going to let her so I held
her by force, enveloping her in my arms, she
was repeatedly telling me not to lie to her, she
finally stopped crying and begging me to stop
and kept still in my arms, only her sniffing was
occupying the room...
Nomthandazo: "Mihle I'm pregnant"
Me: "So what?"
Wakhamisa uNomthandazo and looked at me,
wavula imiphumla and I knew she was about to
tell but as irritated and angry as she was, so
was I. She chuckled, clapping her hands and
chuckled agapos
Nomthandazo: "You're not going to do this.
Andizothi ndiphethe umntana wakho then you
act like, you're not going to abandon me just like
that. Mihle ndiyathetha!"
I let go of Aphindiwe and turned to look at
Nomthandazo, my eyes were narrowed at her, I
took steps closer to her before talking
"Nomthandazo you're not going to use my child
as a way of keeping me wit..."
Nomthandazo: "Our child Mihle. Our child!"
I closed my eyes, in true honesty arguing with
this lady wasn't something easy, she always
won't me at it ngoba waye loud and she never
gave up no matte how pointless her fact or the
fight was. I opened them and looked at her, she
was staring at me...
Me: "Nomthandazo (long pause) right now I
need you to know uba I'm not going to allow you
uba undibambe ngomntana, awuzoyenza
lokaka."
Nomthandazo: "You're going to kill nalona
umntana."
I looked at her and her eyes were teary, she
knew what was best for her was just not to say
those words but she did anyway, I stood there
looking at her, trying to contain myself only
because I didn't want to scare this girl I still
aimed to impress
Aphindiwe: "Mihle"
She said that ezantsi but I managed to her
though so I turned and faced her...
"My pants." I was about to walk and get them
when Nomthandazo clapped her hands again
before yelling
"Yikaka yantoni kengoku lena! So all along
you're half naked in my man's bed! Wow
bekumnandi mos apha! Fucken wow!"
Me: "Nomthandazo shut up! Just fucken shut
up!"
I was still looking at her when she grabbed of
the bedside lamp and threw it against my
hairdresser, it made contact with the glass, the
sound and glass cracks filling the room. She
was back to herself, the girl who turned me on,
lamntombi that she become after losing our
daughter, that girl who drank and acted ratchet
when things didn't go her way, these were the
reasons I arranged for her to see someone, she
was losing it on a daily basis. Aphindiwe had
her small eyes wide open meanwhile I was
watching her, waiting for her to break the next
thing she'd get her hands on, this wasn't the
first piece of my furniture she destroyed...
Nomthandazo: "You were fucking with this slut
while I was on the way to see you?"
Me: "Don't call her th.."
Nomthandazo: "Mihle how could you? When
have you became so cruel?"
Me: "This would be easy Nomthandazo if you'd
understand..."
Nomthandazo: "Understand what huh?
Understand that you were about to fuck her?!"
Me: "It wasn't going to be the first time damm't!
Why you fucken acting like you don't know I've
shared a bed with her a couple of times?"
Nomthandazo: "A couple of times?"
Me: "Hayi, amaxesha amaninzi"
Wakhamisa a little before balancing with the
headboard, she looked at me ngongathi she
was losing her breathe or something
Nomthandazo: "You told me you only did it once
naye"
Me: "Well maybe I didn't feel like explaining my
love life to you."
I wasn't planning on being rude to her ngoba I
still cared about her, that I wouldn't lie about but
she was exasperating me to the chore, I was
losing and she knew when angry I didn't really
count my words...
Nomthandazo: "Ndikwenzeni Mihle?"
I tilted my head and looked at her, that question
cut deep because it made me feel guilty in all
kinds of ways, I lowered my voice when
addressing her...
"Nothing. But I want you to understand that I'm
in love with someone else."
She shook her head, passing my gaze from me
to Aphindiwe every now and then before
grabbed hold of her handbag and heading for
the door, she stopped and spoke before
heading out
Nomthandazo: "You guys deserve each other"
And she stopped out, banging the door
forcefully on her way out and I stood where I've
been standing until I heard the main door close,
nalo elijulile. I turned and looked at Aphindiwe,
she looked surprised, most probably not
understanding why I was half calm and that
was because I knew this side of her, I tolerated
it for almost a year full...
Aphindiwe: "Ndicela undigodose"
I narrowed my eyes at her, there was no way I
was taking her home singekathethi so instead
of answering her, I found a seat next to her
ndamjonga
Me: "We need to talk this through"
Aphindiwe: "We've done a lot of talking Mihle.
And the more we talk, the more lies you seem
to tell"
Me: "Khange ndixoke Aphindiwe."
Aphindiwe: "But you didn't tell the truth either"
Me: "Baby ndicela undijonge, please"
She took her time to turn and look at me, I
spoke...
"Andizokuyeka. I don't care what comes in the
way to take you away from me but
andizokuyeka."
Aphindiwe: "And what about what I want?"
Me: "Which is?"
She kept quiet akaphendula and I knew it wasn't
leaving me ngoba she most definitely felt two
times the way I felt. She spoke after a while
Aphindiwe: "Ndiyoyika that this will cost me
more than I imagined"
I stood up and positioned myself between her
legs, cupped her face and looked at her
Me: "It won't cost you me, never (pause) so fuck
the rest."
She looked at me and we stayed in that position
for a while before she softly whispered
"Ndicela amanzi."
I nodded and walked out to the kitchen, I filled
the glass with cold water and stood over
counter. I thought about the fucked up
decisions I was making, how they hold turn in
the long run but I was aware that I was fighting
a battle more similar to that of Rose and Jack,
and I was willing to go no matter the cost. Utata
owayendizala taught me uba if it made you
happy and you wanted it, all you had to do was
fight for it.

I've fought since I was a boy and in my battles, I

never backed away. Knowing I wasn't the type
to fall out of love quick, what I needed to do
was learn on how to train Aphindiwe into my
female warrior. I knew she'd the strength as
much as I needed her by my side.
102nd Entry

Aphindiwe

Right after drinking the water he had brought

me I laid on the bed, he brought back that long
handle dustpan and its broom to clean the
glasses that were scattered on the floor. I laid
on the bed facing his way, he was still shirtless
and I was still in my panties...
Me: "Ndicela ukukhapha xa uyothenga esinye"
He stopped what he was doing and looked at
me smiling, he licked his lips before talking
Mihle: "How good is your choice kwi furniture
kqala?"
I shrugged my shoulders, "Andazi, maybe xa
sele ndinomzi I'll know."
He chuckled before going back to what he was
doing, I grabbed hold of the pillow which he was
laying and laid on it, wayenuka njengaye so
obviously after all those tears, I found myself
smiling, even though I was still bothered by that
whole pregnancy thing ka Nomthandazo, I didn't
know how I was going to handle. I remembered
how I used to tell my friends from Jo'burg that I
would never fall for any man who would bring
me some baby mamma drama because to me,
that man will automatically become a turn off,
but here I was, crazy about someone who
brought me more than just some baby mamma
drama. I guess that is how life worked out,
you'd plan it out and it would just hand you the
opposite. As I was laying there, watching him
finishing up those glasses, I thought of
something, hence there was a lot of
unanswered questions, I needed at least a few
of them answered so Id be able to a clear
decisions, I shifted on that position and as
nervous as I was, I found a way to ask it...
"Ngubani uPearl?"
He stopped and looked at me, he cocked a
brow
"Huh?"
Me: "uPearl?"
Mihle: "She's a friend. Some girl I met through
Andrew"
Me: "Nyani?"
He tilted his head and gave me that 'are you
serious' look, he narrowed his eyes at me
Mihle: "Too early for you not to trust me, don't
you think?"
Me: "I have all reasons not to trust you ke
kodwa"
He chuckled shaking his head before walking
towards the door. I rolled over on the bed and
looked at the ceiling before my phone rang, it
was Mamomdala, I hesitated, there was no way
I could answer this, what if she was calling
because of Nomthandazo, I looked at my cell
phone until it stopped ringing. Immediately
when it stopped I switched it off, I was still
staring at it when Mihle walked in...
Me: "Andizokwazi uhamba"
He cocked an eyebrow and looked at me
"Ngoba?"
Me: "Because umamomdala just called"
He walked towards the bed and sat next to me
Mihle: "And so?"
Me: "It might be because of lento ka
Nomthandazo, Milhe"
He shook his head, "I doubt."
Me: "Haibo Mihle"
Mihle: "Babe andifuni ulibale uba I know
uNomthandazo akayanga at home immediately,
she most probably went to her friend, she'd
never go home in that state"
I looked at him and he carried on
"So suxhala ngayo though, she isn't home.
Uyewayiphendula?"
Me: "Hayi"
Mihle: "Call her back"
Me: "What?"
Mihle: "Call her Phindi, asoze ndikufake
enxakini."
I looked at him and sighed switching on my cell
phone. When it was I waited for her to call again,
with Mihle looking at me but she didn't so I
dialed her number and placed it on loudspeaker,
she answered after two rings...
"Ntombi."
Me: "Molweni Ma"
Mamomdala: "Ubuya nini kaloku sisi, kugqibo
betha ufive lona besivene ngawo."
Me: "I'm on the way Mamomdala"
Mamomdala: "Alright ke ntombi"
She hung up and I smiled looking at Mihle, he
smiled back at me, kissing my forehead
"See, now who's the man?"
Me: "Hayi I'm not answering that"
Mihle: "Then you're not getting home any time
soon"
Me: "Baby"
Mihle: "Honey"
Me: "I need to get home kaloku"
Mihle: "Kuqala who's the man?"
I was about to answer him when I felt his hand
trace my thigh before he knelt next to me on the
bed and leaned further, finding my ear, he
whispered
"Tell me baby, who's the man?"
I giggled and he took my earlope with his teeth,
sucked on it and moved down to my neck,
cheek then found my lips. He hovered his lips
over mine, not kissing them but he kept rubbing
them against each other before he ran his wet
tongue on my lower lip, I was about to kiss him
when his fingers moved my panties to the side
and made contact with my womanhood. I
opened my left leg a little wider and when he
pushed his
finger in, I gasped, moaning a little. He pulled it
out and pushed fully pushed in two fingers, I bit
my lower lip before grabbing my left boob with
my left hand, I had my eyes closed so I didn't
know if he had his eyes on me or not. When he
pulled out his fingers and pushed them in again,
I moaned and he whispered a soft "Fuck"
He pulled them out while I was still enjoying and
placed a baby kiss on my lips, I opened my eyes
and looked him fixing my pants...
Me: "What's wrong?"
Mihle: "(chuckles) Nothing babe, usafuna?"
I blyshed at that, there was no way I'd be able to
answer that, it would be so embarrassing, he
looked at me before laughing, shaking his head.
He stood up and leaned forward placing a kiss
on my forehead
"Let's wait for your leg to get heal evha?"
I nodded and he walked over to his wardrobe
and pulled out his jacket and I presumed it was
time for me to dress up...
Me: "Babe ndicela ijean yam"
He picked it up and walked to me, I turned on
the bed and faced him, extended my legs,
wayifaka. He pulled it up, gentle not to hurt me,
when the pants were up to my thighs he placed
a kiss on my pussy before whispering
"I fucken miss you."
I laughed,cpvering my eyes in the process, I had
him chuckled and I peeped through my fingers
looking at him, he was trying to pull my pants
up completely but kept getting distracted
because he'd pass his gaze to my face every
now and then so I helped him through. When we
were done he looked at himself on the broken
hairdresser mirror before he looked at his wrist
Mihle: "Haven't seen my watch?"
Me: "Nantsi (pause) but can I wear it?"
He stopped on his steps and looked at me,
turned and walked towards his wardrobe, he
stood here for a while before he stepped back
holdin black leather wrist watch...
"Nxiba lena babe."
Me: "Ndithanda lena njena babe"
He narrowed his eyes and looked at me, I stared
back at him pouting, when he put the watch
around his wrist, I knew he indirectly meant I
could keep this one. He helped me up and we
walked out of his room to the lounge and out of
the main door to the garage, after placing me in
the car he went back into the house to lock up.
After waiting for what seemed like two minutes
he returned whistling some Jazel Brothers'
track. He got in the car and looked at me before
starting the engine and closing his door...
Mihle: "Mncwaa?"
Andancuma mntaka dabs before I leaned in and
placed a kiss on those soft lips, he licked them
still looking at me, I giggled before muttering
"You're so nasty"
Mihle: "You haven't seen shit babe."
Ndakhamisa, he couldn't be serious, he drove
the car out of the garage laughing. Our route to
Bellville was fun, we drove in laughs, a lot of
talking and me questioning him about things I
believed I should know by now. When we were
close to home the worry I had arose again and I
began being nervous, Mihle noticed because he
placed his hand on my thigh and squeezed it
causing me to look at him
"Uright?"
I shook my head before looking at his which he
moved and placed on the gear
Me: "I'm worried. What if uNomthandazo
ukhona or abuye athethe yonke lento?"
He looked at me before driving into the street
without answering me, I was really scared and
what scares me the most, ndaxoka. He drove
passed the gate and stopped a few steps away
from it, turned off the engine and turned on his
to look at me...
Mihle: "Jonga baby, if ever uNomthandazo says
something, don't deny it ngoba that will make
things worse (pause) but don't tell the whole
truth either"
Me: "So ndithini?"
Mihle: "Say something like being out noThando
then sadibana nani or something. Or how
Thando left you wahamba negirlfriend yakhe
then you called me since ben'close naseBelmar
then I refused to take you home"
Me: "Won't that get you in trouble?"
Mihle: "It'll get both of us in trouble but I'll take
the biggest blame"
I tilted my head slightly to the side and looked
at him, I was playing with my thumb on the seat
"You don't need to be stressing in your
condition."
I nodded, he smiled without showing off his
teeth before he leaned in and kissed me, after
pulling back from the kiss he opened the
driver's door and stepped out, from the trunk he
pulled out my walker and came with it next to
my door, I already had my handbag over my
shouldrer. He helped me out and closed the
door using his feet before he walked me
towards the gate, we stopped at a more hidden
place and hugged each other, we were still in
that position when he muttered
"I love you."
I giggled and looked up at him, I mouted I love
you too.
Mihle: "Andikuvha"
Me: "I love you too"
Mihle: "Kangakanani?"
Me: "Enough to walk nge walker for you
He chuckled still looking at me, he ran his
thumb over my lips and whispered
"You know bendingafuni kubenjalo mos?"
I nodded before placing my head on his chest
Me: "Let me go before kuphume umntu"
Mihle: "Awulogwala"
I tilted my head and looked at him once again, I
was about to talk when he stopped me by
saying
"My kiss."
Ndapouta sana and he captured my lips with his,
he kept on smiling during our kiss until I pulled
back and asked
Me: "Yintoni?"
Mihle: "These lips (pause) they never get old.
It's funny how oko when I kiss them akupheli
nomzuzu ndimal..."
I covered his mouth with my hand, looking at
him with my eyes a little widened, he laughed,
shaking his head
Mihle: "Let me let you go ke baby zam"
Me: "Ndizokubona nini futhi?"
Mihle: "We'll talk about it baby"
I nodded and he kissed my forehead, helping
me balance on my walker, I pushed it towards
the gate with him still looking at me, after I
pressed the button of the gate he started
walking towards his car, he didn't step in as yet
until he saw the gate opening, I was about to
step in when he called me name, I turned
ndamjonga
Mihle: "Don't worry about the Nomthandazo
situation, concentrate on getting better."
I smiled at him even though I knew it was
impossible for me not to worry about it. He
smiled back, opening the door of the driver's
seat and I too walked into the yard.
At the door, I took a few breathes before
opening the door, thinking about the girl whom I
knew was probably in there waiting to threaten
the life out of me.

After stepping into the house, Mamomdala told

me she was glad I was home safely and I was
lucky Tatomdala wasn't around ngoba he was
going to question me for being 45 minutes late,
that of course happened after I discovered that
Nomthandazo wasn't home which at least was
a stress reliever kum because it gave me more
time to think off something to defend myself if
she walked in here and threw tantrums about
what happened in Belmar as though she didn't
cause enough chaos phaya.
I was seated at the lounge with Azola, speaking
our way through, she started off by questioning
about the manly smell I had whiffing from me
before going on and on about the new guy they
went drinking with the previous Monday. We
were still chatting when the door opened and
Tatomdala stepped in...
Tatomdala: "Tshini ubuyile ntombazana?"
Me: "Ewe tata"
Tatomdala: "Haike kuhle ke mntanam"
He nodded and retreated to his bedroom, Azola
went back to talking but stopped when I
extended my hand to take my glass of Mango
cold drink on top of the table...
Azola: "Who's watch is that?"
Me: "Intoni? Le watch?"
Azola: "Ewe"
Me: "Yeyam."
Azola: "Isn't it for men?"
Me: "It is but ndayithanda"
She looked at me then at the watch before
saying
"Okay, anyway lomfana wants me to spend
eloxesha naye but utata during school days he's
hard, he only soften ups ngeHolidays so I keep
making excuses ke sana because ndilinde wena
ude ubengcono."
Me: "Kutheni ungamxeleli?"
She raised her eyebrows at me...
"Well it's better than making excuses. Tell him
utatakho is strict, he too knows there's nothing
you can do about that, so he understands why
you keep postponing."
Azola: "Ya neh"
Me: "It'll help, ngoba lena of having endless
excuses will turn him off"
Azola: "You're right"
She stood up and ran towards the passage, I
shouted "Uyaphi?" but she carried on and
returned ephethe her cellphone
Azola: "Let me text him ngoku. Ubusithi
ndithini?"
Me: "Hayi Azo yintoni ingathi azange wajola
nah?"
Azola: "Kaloku I've been busy with these 95,94
boys abangazinto, its my first time ndifumana
umntu wo80 something."
I rolled my eyes, I understood her excitement, I
had that two years back, it made you view
yourself as someone old kwawena.
Me: "Okay, jonga tell him uba you need to tell
him something regarding your excuses,
umxelele uba the only reas..."
I didn't finish that sentence when we heard the
door close harshly and the sound of heels
clicking against the floor, Azola turned but I
stayed glued to my seat and I knew it wasn't
Vhuvhu ngoba she was in her bedroom,
sleeping
Azola: "Nomtha kutheni ingathi udronk nje?"
I turned and looked at her, yep she was drunk
shame. She sat on the armrest of the other
couch and looked at me, removing her heels...
Nomthandazo: "I thought ubuzolalisa indoda
yakho yazi."
Azola looked at me with a questioning look
meanwhile I had my stare at her sister who was
about to get me in serious trouble.
Mihle, themba lam, where are you?
103rd Entry

Nomthandazo

I walked into the lounge ekhaya, a little unstable

in my steps but I couldn't care less ngoba
ndandiyazi a lot of people would question me
uba kwakutheni ndisela ndimithi. What was I
expected to do, the father was abandoning our
little one engekazalwa. Immediately when I
entered the lounge, the first people I saw was
Azola and the devil herself, they had smiles on
their face, Azola turned and looked at me...
Azola: "Nomtha kutheni ingathi udronk nje?"
I looked at her and walked towards the couch,
found a seat on the armrest and passed my
gaze to Aphindiwe, she turned and looked at me
Me: "I thought ubuzolalisa indoda yakho yazi"
Azola looked at her because wayebona uba I'm
directing those words to her, she looked at me
wathula, so I decided to carry on
"Or what, he realized he made a terrible mistake
by choosing trash like you?'
Azola: "NguMihle lowo?"
She still had her eyes on me, all of sudden her
middle was mute ngoba wayengavula kwalo
wakhe umlomo le bitchikazi yomntana, she
sighed and narrowed her already small eyes at
me...
Aphindiwe: "Why you drinking kodwa umithi?"
Azola: "Umithi?!"
Azola had her mouth gapped and I was about to
answer when Azola shouted again, "You
pregnant? O.M.G! Mama!"
Me: "Azola!"
Azola: "Mama?!"
She stood up and retreated to the passage,
heading to my parents bedroom but she met
umama on the passage
Azola: "Yiza mama"
Mama: "Yintoni Azola?"
She was dragging umama to the lounge, I was
about to get up and walk to my bedroom but
when I saw utata appear from the passage
looking worried because my bloody sister just
caused a scene, I knew andizokwazi uya
ekamerini because utata wasn't the type yodela
Tata: "Yintoni Azola wangxola kangaka?"
Azola: "Mama uNomthandazo is pregnant'
"Intoni?" Was what both my parents said, I
looked at them before my gaze went from
Azola to Aphindiwe then back to my parents...
Tata: "Nomthandazo?"
Me: "Tata?"
Tata: "Umithi?"
Me: "Hayi tata"
Aphindiwe: "Uyaxoka."
My parents passed my gaze to her and I folded
my arms, I wanted her to explain uba wayesazi
njani, ade afike kulendawo yoyokubona uMihle...
Mama: "Uyazi njani wena ntombi?"
She looked at my mother, her eyes widened a
little and she enhaled before she spoke
"Mama since I was out noLuthando we went for
some drinks but I happened to see uMihle
phaya. In fact uMihle was at that same pub and
grill not far from his estate, apho ahlala khona
(pause)."
Tata: "Qubeka Mambhele"
Aphindiwe: "Then uMihle wasibona phaya,
wacela uthetha nam but by that he meant
dropping off uLuthando and talking privately, so
we went kwakhe, he wanted us to talk through
lento wayezoyicela apha kuni"
Tata: "Nithethe ngantoni? Ungumzali wena
Aphindiwe?!"
Mama: "Tata khawehlise umoya."
Tata: "No Madlamini no! Ndifuna ukwazi uba
uAphindiwe ngumzali nah yena lento uFhaku
azofuna uthetha naye. Aphindiwe?"
I looked at her and she looked more terrified
than ever, yayengathi ndingamqhuba utata ade
afike to his highest point of anger or to a point
where he'd send her back to Mthatha, I wanted
her out of here. She answered lowly
"Tatomdala?"
Tata: "Ungumzali nah wena?"
Me: "No tata"
Tata: "Kengoku kutheni uMihle ezothetha nawe
xa efuna uthetha ngento zabantu abadala"
Aphindiwe: "Andazi tata"
He looked at her, if she was any kid I would've
hinted her by now that utata doesn't like cheeky
children but it was her so I didn't give a damn
Mama: "Mntanam yintoni lena ibefuna uthethwa
nguMihle kuye?"
Aphindiwe: "Andiyazi mama ngoba sithe
singekathethi wafika uNomthandazo"
I chuckled and looked at her, clapping my hands
"The only reason they didn't talk is because
ndifike eze kaloku usisi."
Mama: "Aphindiwe?"
My mother whispered that to her, I folded my
arms waiting for her to defend herself now,
wamayamayaza
Tata: "Nonsense Aphindiwe, nonsense!"
My father fisted on the couch, causing all of us
to jump on our seats, she swallowed hard,
passing her gaze between all of us, umama
constantly begged her to talk and she did
"Bendingekhoze Mamomdala. I wasn't"
Me: "Then ubutheni?"
Aphindiwe: "I just had my pants off"
Tata: "Never have I had umntana apha kwam,
living under iroof yam esenza lamanyala
amangaka. Never!"
Aphindiwe: "Ndicela uxolo tatomdala"
Tata: "I'm calling umninawa wam ndiyamxelela
uba awuzokwazi uhlala apha ngoba..."
Mama: "No, tata ka Sivu, ndiyakucela Bhele
wam. Awuzokwazi"
Me: "Mama khawuyeke utata toro"
Mama: "Thula Nomthandazo. Thula! Tata ka
Sivu ndimamele myeni wam, lomntana needs
parents, she needs a mother figure. Siyayazi
sonke silapha uba akanamntu uAphindiwe
ngoba nobhuti lowo he doesn't give lomntana
the care ayidingayo. Anditsho uba uright myeni
wam kodwa ndicela sibenesineke, ngumntana
wethu naye kwalona. Ndiyakucela Bhele."
Utata walked from where he was standing and
sat on the couch before sighing and placing his
head on his palms, shaking it repeatedly, I on
the other hand was looking at umama, I couldn't
believe her, there was no way she meant all that.
Me: "Mama what about me?"
She turned and looked at me, narrowing her
eyes at me before she spoke
"What about you ngantoni Nomthandazo?"
Me: "What I feel mama, what about the way I
feel? What I want?"
Mama: "Ufuna ntoni? Ufuna ulahla udadwenu
pha kude ngenxa yendoda engazaziyo uba
efunani? Uxolela ungathandi nongathethi
nomtana wakokwenu, your own sister because
of umfana ungakwazanga uzihlonipha?!"
Me: "Akandihloniphanga kwa yena uAphindiwe
and to me she's no relative of mine, never!
Niyamchaphukela! I hate her!"
Sivuyisiwe walked in, looking like she just woke
up from sleep, she looked at us...
Sivuyisiwe: "Mama yintoni kanti?"
Nobody answered her because they were all
looking at me except for my father who was still
on that same position
Mama: "Nomthandazo azange sakukhulisa
kanje mntanam, please."
Nomthandazo: "And is this how her mother
raised her?"
She looked at me, her lips parted a little, she
furrowed her eyebrows at me
Aphindiwe: "Don't you dare talk about my
mother kanjalo. Ubungamazi"
Me: "You're right bendingamazi but if she raised
such trash like you then noba nding..."
Sivuyisiwe: "Nomthandazo no! Ngumamnci lo
uthetha ngaye alpha. No!"
Me: "So what Sivuyisiwe? Does she see what
her daughter is doing to me? Uyayibona nah
lentlungu?"
Aphindiwe: "Umamam (pause) umamam did..."
Her voice was cracky, she looked at me with as
much hatred as I showed her too. She couldn't
finish talking, instead she blinked releasing the
tears she had in her eyes, shaking her head.
Wamisa omnwe and pointed at me before she
found a voice in her...
"Umamam isn't the reason Mihle doesn't want
you. She isn't the reason you handle a man and
definitely not the reason you suck ekuphatheni
indoda. My mother is not the reason I took the
decision I took, as much as umamomdala isn't
the reason you can't handle yourself as a lady."
Me: "You know noth..."
Aphindiwe: "And if you think your pregnancy will
keep him, it won't. Akafuni nxila uMihle."
I was about to storm off to her when Azola
jumped up and held me back, being helped by
mama. I was screaming and swearing, she
knew nothing, she didn't know why and how I
started drinking yet she had the guts to call me
inxila. Mama helped me sit down but I didn't
want to sit, I was crazy nyani ngoku. I only
managed to calm down when Tata asked all of
us to sit down, umam looked like she would
crazy anytime from now and Aphindiwe was
crying, enaso nesinqala but I couldn't care less,
she could've cried her throat out for all I cared
Tata: "Bantwana bam umama wenu uyandicela
kodwa andonwabanga, kubuhlungu nakum
kodwa ndizonicinga, Sivuyisiwe, Nomthandazo
nawe Azola simnyamezele uAphindiwe,
ndiyanicela bantwana bam, kungekudala
nizovisisana naye and nathi sizohamba
siyiqhele indlela enza ngayo izinto (long pause)
Aphindiwe mntanam, awenzi kakuhle ntombi
kodwa ndizoxola ngoba kaloku usabethwa
sistage, usemncinci."
Aphindiwe: "Ndizohamba tatomdala"
Tata: "Hayi mntanam, no no ntombi anditsho
uba hamba, ndithi qha..."
She shook her head causing my dad to stop
talking she was still crying, ndandirhalela
umbuza uba ulilelani, destroying my
relationship or destroying my family...
Mama: "Hayi kaloku sisi hayi mntanam"
Aphindiwe: "No mama, I want to go,
andizokwazi uphela kanje (cries) I can't."
Sivuyisiwe: "Uzohamba uyephi Aphindiwe?"
Aphindiwe: "I'll go back eskolweni."
Tata: "In this condition?"
She nodded drying her eyes with the back of her
hand. Umama was about to talk, to stop her
obviously when utata spoke
"Ndizokukhulula mntanam. Ufuna uhamba
nini?"
Aphindiwe: "(sniffs) Ngomso tatomdala"
Tata: "Then ndizokukhapha."
Mama: "Tata ka Siv..."
Tata: "Mfazi wam xa umntana efuna oko, mnike
kona, athi wodikwa or wobona uba
bekungalunganga aziphumele. Aphindiwe
mntanam ndizokunika elixesha ulifunayo,
uyolungisa intliziyo yakho ntombi, kodwa
uzuhambe apha uyazi uba asikugxothanga
kusekokwenu nalapha. Ngalamazwi ke
mntanam ndithi uba usafuna ubuye, the gates
are open."
She nodded looking at my father, she kept on
nodding before she softly muttered
"Enkosi tata."
My father looked at her and sighed while my
mother had her hand covering her mouth with
teary eyes. My father stood up and whispered a
goodnight kuthi before my mother followed but
umama stopped by Aphindiwe and bent forward
to her ear, she said something to her and
Aphindiwe nodded her eyes filling up with tears
again then she too retreated to the bedroom.
We were left sodwa at the lounge, Sivuyisiwe
couldn't stop sighing meanwhile Azola had her
mouth shut all this time, mna on the other hand
was naar by just seeing ubuso balomntana so I
got up and before heading to my room, I left her
a message
"Uhamba kwakho, it would be better noba
awunobuya."
Then I grabbed my handbag and heels and
walked towards my room.

I didn't care how evil or cruel people saw me, I

believed ndandinge kamenzi nto, after all I was
this brutal because of her.
104th Entry

Aphindiwe

After that quarrel with Nomthandazo and

tatomdala, Azola and I retreated to the bedroom.
I was now sitting on the bed still in tears and
not because I felt defeated but because my late
mother was dragged in this. I couldn't get it out
of my mind how she was so in denial about this
whole thing that her defending her man had to
have my mother dragged in this. I'm not saying
what I was right, it was far from being okay but
she had no right talking about my mother in that,
a woman she knew nothing about.
I was still sniffing and trying to control my
feelings, I was raging with anger and the
decision I made of leaving made me feel like it
was the best thing to do ngoba I realized uba
things were getting worse on a daily basis, so it
was better if I found peace for some time.
Azola was quiet too and I appreciated it
because I was in no mood of being questioned
or pitied right now, I just needed to be on my
own and with her not saying a word to me ever
since we stepped in here made it seem like I
were alone.
It was approximately 20 minutes of silence
when I took my phone and decided to text Mihle,
telling him about the scene Nomthandazo
pulled and how it unfolded, Mihle being Mihle
wayefuna undilanda instantly but I told him uba
he'd see me tomorrow. After a long while
ndincokola naye I decided to go take a bath
which turned out be longer than what I had
planned because I wanted more time to chat to
my man before I had my medication drug me to
sleep.
When I returned to the bedroom I noticed Azola
wasn't around so I dressed up in my pyjamas
and prepared for bed, after wearing my doek I
sat in the middle of the bed and unlocked my
phone, to my surprise I had four missed calls
from Mihle, his little obsession caused a smile
on my face, it was cute really and a part of me
hoped it wasn't caused by honeymoon phase. I
logged on my WhatsApp and texted him, telling
him I was back from bathing, immediately after
he read my text he called me, just after that one
ring, I answered it...
Me: "Baby"
Mihle: "Uhlamba ixesha elingakanani nah?"
Me: "Xolo kaloku, I took some time to think"
Mihle: "You sound down uzuqonde. Uthi
kwenzekeni?"
I sighed before answering
"A lot babe (pause) well everything was blown
out off proportion when Nomthandazo
mentioned uba she found me naked apho
kwakho"
Mihle: "(chuckles) uthe naked?"
Me: "Ewe"
Mihle: "Ncncncnc (chuckles lowly)"
Me: "I don't like the sound of that"
Mihle: "Sound of what?"
Me: "Lento ugqiboyenza."
Mihle: "No relax babe, ndigrand. So why are you
being kicked out?"
Me: "Babe I told you this ku WhatsApp njena
and khange nditsho uba kicked out. I asked to
leave ngokwam"
Mihle: "Ngoba?"
Me: "Because after yonke lento yethu I don't feel
welcomed here anymore"
Mihle: "So ufuna sithini?"
I was about to answer that when the door
opened and Azola walked, she stood at the door
and spoke
"Yizotya."
Me: "Andilambanga"
Azola: "Are you sure?"
Mihle: "Usathetha nam?"
I nodded at Azola and she looked at me before
stepping out, closing the door
"Bendithetha noAzola." I answered Mihle and I
heard him shift around before he spoke again
Mihle: "Okay. Bendibuza ke babe ufuna sithini?"
Me: "Nothing love. I'm satisfied with us"
Mihle: "Ndizokulanda ngomso?"
Me: "Hayi utatomdala is taking me kaloku"
Mihle: "Phindi?"
"Babe?"
Mihle: "Kuzofuneke uzohlala apha until you
better"
Ndakhamisa mntana kasomnci, wait wasn't it
too soon for lonto? I know he was specific uba
until I fully recover kodwa waking up next to him
everyday scared me kengoku, it made me
realize uba we were going to get to know each
other deeper than we do now, even though it
was what I wanted, I didn't think I was ready to
get to know him, in other categories.
Mihle: "Babe?"
Me: "Ewe"
Mihle: "Uyandivha?
Me: "Ewe, yeah but I could go to school
ndizokwazi uhlala pha..."
Mihle: "Uzohlala nam until ubengcono and I
wasn't making it optional, bendikuxelela."
Me: "But what about waste of petrol?"
Ndayibuzela ezantsi ke leyo into because when
he made that statement his tone changed a
little. Expecting him to answer what I had just
asked, he said "Wenzantoni?" as if trying to tell
me uba lena iinto ndandigqiboyibuza was
something he wasn't going to answer.
Me: "Ndihleli ebhedini, I still have my pills to
drink but ndiyonqena uya ekitchen"
Mihle: "Yilento yale walker?"
Me: "No (sighs) yonke umntu uselounge apha
having supper and I'm here in the bedroom so
andirhaleli ukuya that side"
Mihle: "Ayizobangathi uyazikhetha xa usenza
njalo?"
Me: "I'm scared of pretense inxaki yam babe
and if umntu uyandibalela, kuphela kwalomdla
and respect bendinayo for bona so ndiyoyika
uya phaya elounge and have more than just
Nomthandazo pretending to be okay with me
being here"
Mihle: "Uyabacingela babe. I don't think they
envy you as much as uNomthandazo"
Me: "She doesn't envy me babe,
uyandichaphukela"
He kept quiet for a while and I was about to talk
when I heard him clear his throat before talking
"Baby, andifuni sihlale sithetha
ngoNomthandazo. As much as she will be
present half of the time, trying to find her way
back in, ndicela singathethi ngaye. It's you I
need to hear about, evha?"
I nodded while saying "Yes."
Mihle: "Now ngomso uphuma kwam at work I'll
fetch you at res"
Me: "Okay Phopho"
Mihle: "(laughs) Ndingafiki uhleli noAndrew ke
Phopho"
Me: "Hayi babe, it was a once off thing"
Mihle: "I hope so. Let me sleep ke babe, ndine
session early in the morning ngomso"
Me: "At what time?"
Mihle: "Six funeke ndibe semsebenzini"
Me: "Shit, so that means uvuka ngofour."
Mihle: "Five"
Me: "Oh okay."
"Goodnight Phopho."
Me: "Goodnight. I love you"
Mihle: "I love you too babe"
And he hung up, leaving me alone once again, I
sighed before laying down and looking at the
ceiling. After laying in that position for over ten
minutes, I found my way into the blankets and
before I placed my phone under the pillow I set
an alarm for half 12 midnight, I'd wake up and
drink my pills, right now there was no way I was
leaving this room.

I woke up to my phone ringing, rubbing my eyes

I reached out under the pillow and pulled it out,
switched off the alarm and turned over to sleep
futhi but I got disturbed by Azola who groaned
getting up and headed for the door, when she
returned I was busy trying to find balance on my
walker, with my brown paper bag of medicines...
Azola: "Uyaphi?"
Me: "Ndiyosela amayeza"
She nodded, getting back in bed. I managed to
make my way through to the kitchen without
making that much of a noise. Firstly I warmed
up the slices of pizza which were left for me
and decided to eat one before taking my
medication, right after that I drank them and
retreated to the bedroom but somehow ended
up stopping at the lounge to take a seat. I sat
there in the dark exercising my leg but my mind
wasn't there, it was elsewhere, thinking about a
hell lot of bullshit I believed the future would
bring me and frankly, I wasn't ready for them.
Sitting in the dark alone started to bore me but
nothing told me to go to bed, even if I was
ndandingazolala, so instead of heading back to
bed I unlocked my cellphone which I had
brought with me from the bathroom and
checked my airtime, R17.43, it was enough to
make a phone call so I dialed Mihle's number
because I missed him from the very moment he
hung up hours ago, esithi goodnight. He
answered his phone just when I was about to
end the call
Mihle: "Hello"
His voice was husky, deep from sleep. It was
fucken sexy, it reminded me of his moan
Me: "Baby"
Mihle: "What's wrong babe, are you okay?
Kutheni ezovuka ngelixesha?"
Me: "Ewe babe, I'm okay."
Mihle: "Then kutheni uvukile at this time?"
Me: "No sleep and I missed you."
He chuckled and in his short laugh I could hear
that he liked what I had just said
Mihle: "Uzondibona baby"
Me: "Ndicela undihlalise until kuphele le airtime"
Mihle: "Yimalini baby?"
Me: "Around R17"
Mihle: "Damn babe, ndilale nini?"
Me: "You will ugqiba kwethu"
After having him complain and sulking about
me waking him up, he finally gave in and we
found our way through conversations, laughing
along the way. As I sat there, dining on the slice
of pizza, he found a way to make me smile and
that did something to my heart because not
long ago it felt heavy, even though I still carried
that lump on my throat talking to him made me
feel better...
Mihle: "Awufuni ndizokulanda?"
Me: "Nini?"
Mihle: "Ngoku"
Me: "(giggles) Haibo babe."
Mihle: "If bendihlala close by I would've had you
outside by now, just for ukubona. You should
thank ooBhele uhlala gude"
Me: "In this situation, I thank them ngoba
besizoxabana"
Mihle: "Sixatywanisa yintoni babe?"
Me: "Bendingazovula."
Mihle: "(chuckles) Bendizoza emnyango kaloku"
Me: "And knock here?"
Mihle: "Ewe ndizofuna uPhindi wam"
Me: "I'm not sleepy ke but I think my airtime will
cut me off soon"
Mihle: "Uzame ulala kaloku babe"
Me: "Okay"
Mihle: "Mandilale ke mna evha"
Me: "Baby?"
"Sthandwa sam?"
Me: "Enkosi"
He shifted on the bed, I presumed he was
turning on the other side before he spoke...
"Ngantoni baby?"
Me: "For choosing me, us, even when things got
shitty."
Mihle: "I'm the reason we're here todag so I'm
not planning to leave you kule mess"
I smiled nodding as if he could see me
Mihle: "Lala ke baby wam, ngomso ndim nawe"
Me: "(giggles) Bye babe"
I hung up and placed the top of my phone on
my lips, smiling. He was the best indeed and if I
was going to give him my heart like I planned to,
I needed to know that he wasn't going to leave
me, that we weren't building this only to walk
away in a few months time.
The next day I woke up at some thing around
past 11, I was extremely exhausted and hungry.
From making the bed to brushing my teeth and
washing my face, I was now at the lounge
finishing off the meal I had left yesterday, I
haven't packed my clothes yet but there wasn't
much to pack anyway because I had my clothes
in my suitcase all this time. I was still sitting at
the lounge basically not eating anymore but
thinking about my life and the terrible choices
I've been making ever since 2016 started, this
isn't how I pictured my life to be after leaving
Jo'burg. I was now down to my last slice of
pizza after having eaten two she Tatomdala
walked out of his bedroom, all dressed and
ready...
Tatomdala: "Molo ntobam"
Me: "Molweni tata"
Tatomdala: "Unjani namhlanje?"
Me: "Ndiyaphila tatomdala"
Tatomdala: "Jonga ke ntombazana, kukhona
apho ndisaya khona kodwa ubuya kwam ndifike
uready"
Me: "Ucinga uzobuya at what time tata?"
He looked at the watch on the wall before
saying, "Masithi twelve."
Me: "Alright tata"
He nodded before walking out, leaving me all
alone in these walls.
After bathing and dressing up, I was now laying
on the bed, exercising my leg while waiting for
tatomdala to return. I kept on gazing around,
looking at this room and the only reason I did
that was because something within told me I
wasn't going to lay my foot here for a very long
time, it wasn't anything I was planning or held
personal against abantu balapha but it was
what I wanted until I got better, emotionally.
It was 14:13 when tatomala said his goodbye to
me, it was a little emotional on my side because
I left into zingekhontle endlini and I wasn't
emotionally happy with the decision but I had to
anyway so to me it felt like I was far from
Western Cape, it was like I was emotionally
untying myself with them. He told me to take
care of myself and to remember Bellville will
always be home and he also reminded me that
Mamomdala wanted us to keep this away from
my father so he doesn't take me away, then
we'd keep it that way. Honestly, I appreciated
them as well as their good hearts even though
right now it might have seemed like I gave no
fuck.
Right now ndandingqengqe on my bed waiting
for my girls to finish up with their sessions, I
told them I was back and the response I got
was to get ready because in the noon they'd be
filling up this room with themselves and snacks.
Knowing they would be here in any minute, I
decided to stay put and wait for the group of
girls who never failed to bring out the best in
me.

Sitting here had me hoping that this was the

last time I'd ever be absent from school for
anything as terrible as accident.
105th Entry

Mihle

In the morning I woke up and got ready quicker

than I usually do, there was an important
meeting I was supposed to attend and being
the head speaker and director of the meeting I
couldn't be late or unpresent.
After what seemed close to three hours of
explaining the new work schedule, financial
matters, promotions and the six months camp
tours for 2016 we stepped out of the
boardroom and headed back to the offices,
where I sat around and drafted half of the work
I didn't do last week because of the distractions
I had, not that they were any less ngoku but I
had to get my life matter under control.
When it was lunch time I went out with my male
colleagues, sonmething I didn't do often
because I was always out at lunch to see
Nomthandazo. I was tempted on calling
Aphindiwe but I decided I'd let her settle in first
then I'd call her xa ndizomlanda, right now let
me just have these drinks and braai with other
men. We had those and chilled around at the
tshisanyama singenzi nto, we even overleaped
on our working times but we needed the time
off so we took it anyway, for only an hour. At
four before I left work I decided to call
Aphindiwe, after dialing her number and
pressing the loudspeaker button on the
telephone I laid back on the chair and waited on
her to answer on the other side...
"Hello."
Me: "Baby"
Aphindiwe: "Hello babe"
Me: "You're at Res mos because ndizophuma
emsebenzini mna"
Aphindiwe: "Ewe"
Me: "Okay, be ready xa ndifika apho ke"
"Will be."
I hung up and turned on my chair, Abongile was
standing behind me in her uniform, she smiled
before talking
"Bendizothi bye. Siyaphuma ngoku but
ndiyabona uba someone is still checking
iwhereabouts zika babe."
Me: "Haisoka sudika apha."
I got up and took my brown leather bag and
cellphone on top of the table, logged out of the
system and we headed out, it was a little hot ke
namhlanje, Western Cape weather being a bitch
once again. After saying goodbyes to certain
people at work I drove off to Stellenbosch
which was about 15 minutes away, it was the
drive from Stellenbosch to Belmar which I didn't
want to think off. I decided to stop at the gate
of her school residence and not at Campus,
seeing how she'd always tell me uyeza but take
forever to get at the gate xa ndime phaya,
immediately when I parked I rang her...
Aphindiwe: "Mihle?"
Me: "I'm outside"
Aphindiwe: "Okay ndiyeza."
I waited for her in the car, she appeared from
the staircase ihamba with her girls, one of them
had her on their back while abanye were
carrying her stuff and they were laughing at
something, my concentration though was on
my girl, how she had her eyes almost closed
from her laugheter. When they got at the gate
bama, I cocked an eyebrow to this girl who had
Aphindiwe on her back, it was Luthando and
how the fuck was she not feeling Aphindiwe's
weight, inoba waye distract(wa) zindaba. I
hooted my car and they all turned their attention
to the cars parked near the gate before looking
at mine, elalawu lakulo Drew said something
and rolled her eyes, Phindi smacked her
shoulder and I knew she said about something
me. They walked towards my car and when they
were about a few steps away I stepped out,
earning their attention, I was about when Drew's
little sister spoke...
"You should learn to be patient. It's one of the
techniques to keep a lady."
I chuckled and looked at her with my eyebrows
furrowed, she carried on
"And djy's a hunk by the way."
Me: "Give me the definition of a hunk"
Wamisa imnwe lomntana and started listing
"Hot, cute, attractive, handsome, hot, yummy..."
Aphindiwe: "Chommie that's enough ngoku"
She looked at Phindi then at me and shrugged
her shoulders, I felt sorry for her boyfriend she
was too much to handle lona. I walked over to
where Luthando was standing and took Phindi
in my arms before mouthing a thank you ku
Luthando, one of the girls helped open the
passenger door, ndambeka, opened the boot
and placed her stuff in there, she had three
flippen bags, I didn't understand how many
clothes women really needed. When we were
done with that I had to wait elinye ixesha futhi
because that coloured girl wouldn't stop talking,
she went on and on until she saw me sigh,
placing my head on the steering wheel
Drew's sister: "Yuuh friend jou man looks
exhausted. I'll fill you in tomorrow."
Aphindiwe: "Bye baby"
"Ons sal moré praat."
Aphindiwe: "Lootlove ujonge uWhatsApp wakho
evha. Bye girls."
Then she turned to me, I still had my head on
the steering wheel but staring at her, she smiled
at me before leaning in and placing a kiss in my
forehead
"Xolo." She whispered those words and I was
still looking at her, I tried not to smell but I failed
anyway, she was just too cute. I adjusted my
seat and started the engine...
Me: "Niyathetha hey"
Aphindiwe: "Ndibagqibele kudala ke kodwa
babe"
I turned and looked at her while I drove out of
the parking, joining the road
Me: "Ngubani igama lalamntana wakulo Drew?"
Aphindiwe: "Kimberley"
Me: "Fuck uyathetha. How does her boyfriend
cope?"
Wahleka ubaby wam shame, looking at me, she
turned on her seat and faced me before
answering me
"Funny part wayekufuna."
Me: "What? (Chuckles) I wouldn't tolerate her in
a million years. Uyathetha."
Aphindiwe: "She's fun to be around kodwa"
Me: "And I guess that means awusoze uyeke
ubayi chommie yakhe"
Aphindiwe: "Funeke ndiyeke"
She had her eyebrows raised at me, concern
written all over her face
Me: "No, but knowing that she's Andrew's sis..."
Aphindiwe: "Babe please toro, please. You know
as much as you don't want to talk about
Nomthandazo, ndim lowo ngoAndrew"
Me: "Okay. Pardon me"
She looked at me before shaking her head and
laying back on the seat, she closed her eyes
and asked, "Ihambe njani imeeting?"
Me: "Kakuhle but we working amongst stubborn
people so it dragged for ithree hours yonke"
Aphindiwe: "Ingathi nizipoliticians"
Me: "Shit like that"
She didn't reply, I glanced at her and saw she
had her eyes closed so I drove in silence for
that time until I spoke to her but akaphendula,
great she was sleeping. About 12KM from my
estate, I stopped at a shopping complex and
found a place to park my car, I woke her up
"Hmmm?"
Me: "Ufuna utya ntoni for supper?"
She rubbed her eyes and looked at me, holding
her head, I furrowed my eyebrows at her
Me: "Unentloko?"
Aphindiwe: "No baby, qha I felt dizzy for that
moment"
Me: "Okay. Ufuna utya ntoni?"
Aphindiwe: "Anything babe. Wena uzotya
ntoni?"
I chuckled and looked at her, before leaning in
to kiss her, she smiled immediately when my
lips contacted with hers. I opened the door and
stepped out, I was about to close the door when
she asked "Uyaphi?"
Me: "To buy food kaloku babe"
Aphindiwe: "Mna uyandishiya?"
She asked that pouting, I leaned on my seat and
looked at her, she looked down at me and didn't
remove the pout from her face
Me: "Let me go buy it baby, ndizobuya ngoku.
Kaloku awunamilenze wena."
She looked at me wakhamisa, I blew her a kiss
and closed the door, heading to Wimpy, she
didn't tell me what she'd like to eat so I'd get her
what I was eating. Ndathi ugqibakwam
ufumana our orders I headed back to the car
and we drove off to the estate, I was exhausted,
I could feel uba my plan of chatting my night
through with this lady here would be ruined
because ndandisozela already.
Now seated on the couches, I had the soccer
channel on and I was concentrating on the
match yeMan United and Liverpool when I
heard her talk...
"Huh?"
I still had my eyes on the TV and took my time
to look at her, she had her arms folded over her
chest
Me: "Xolo baby, just that le match"
Aphindiwe: "You're addicted kwi soccer"
Me: "It's my part time job kaloku Phindi"
Aphindiwe: "Nyani?"
Me: "I told you this"
Aphindiwe: "Hayi Mihle, uyaphosisa."
I narrowed my eyes at her with my head tilted
"Maybe wawuxelela enye intombi."
Me: "Ubuzothini"
Aphindiwe: "Ncooo you're so cute xa ukhalala or
avoiding something. But I'm serious ke kodwa
you didn't tell me Phopho"
Me: "(chuckles) Khaze ndiphuze"
Aphindiwe: "I was asking you to go fill up ibhafu
for me, ndizoyohlamba"
Me: "Now it's you oavoida lento ndiyithethayo"
She took a french fry and put it in her mouth
before looking up at me, I was done eating so I
packed the boxes and salt sachets before
standing up and leaning forward, I tilted her
head with my hand and placed a kiss on her lips
before walking to the kitchen, I returned with my
refilled nge Grape juice...
Me: "We'll shower together"
She had a mouthful burger bite and looked at
me, her eyes a little bigger than their normal
size. She quickly chewed as if what she wanted
to say would slip her mind if she took her time, I
leaned on the wall and waited for her to finish...
Aphindiwe: "Shower nam?"
Me: "Ewe is there a problem?"
Aphindiwe: "But I'm (pause) I don't think I'm
ready for that"
I tilted my head and looked at her
"Baby."
She looked at me with a more concentrated
look
Me: "You'll never be ready for such. Postponing
it will make you even more nervous ngoba
uzohlala uyicinga and thinking about
iconsequences zayo but we've seen each other
naked already, so sundivimba lena."
She kept quiet but kept staring at me, so I
moved from the wall and walked towards her, I
sat on the armrest and looked at her before
passing my gaze to the TV
"Finish up ke sizoyohlamba."
When she was done, I threw away the brown
paper bags and burger packs before helping her
to the bedroom, in there I undressed and
grabbed two navy large towels from the
wardrobe before turning to look at her, the way
she looked at me showed uba she had been
staring at me for a while now, her gaze went
from my face, down to my tanned stomach, it
stayed there for a while before she
absentmindedly sighed, she was about to say
something when I spoke
"They're all yours ngoku."
She looked at me and giggled, covering her
eyes with her hands, she couldn't stop giggling.
I walked over to her and knelt down in between
her legs and she uncovered her eyes endijonga...
Me: "Uyazifuna"
Aphindiwe: "Baby haibo?"
Me: "Do you nyani?"
She looked at me, still smiling crazy before she
nodded slowly, I chuckled and stood up
unbuckling her bra from the back with one hand,
my other was on her thigh, we stares at each
other and I love how her face changed from
having a smile to having a sexy, sort of horny
look within a second, I leaned forward and
placed a wet kiss on her neck while my hand
made its way up her thigh, lifting the grey tight
cotton skirt she was wearing, when my hand
made contact with her womanhood she gasped
for air and I stopped and looked at her, I
searched for her ear and whispered
"Not tonight baby."
She opened her eyes slowly, bitting on her
bottom lip while blushing, I kissed her forehead
"Khulula babe."
She was still looking at me,blushing endlessly.
I swear if this is how she would look at me all
the day long, I would fill like quoting work and
staying home, in bed, with her in my arms for as
long as I want.
106th Entry

Nomthandazo

Tuesday morning I tried getting up but

something in me just wasn't up for it, I felt like I
was half dead and what caused that were a
million reasons, one being how my gut feeling
told me that witch wasn't at school but at a
place I used to call my second home, how I was
indecisive on what to do with the baby that was
growing in me and thirdly how I tried calling
Mihle using my cell phone ndafika ukwi
voicemail but when I tried ngeka Azola it rang
which indicated that I was rejected. But why?
You know I've never ever thought I'd be in such
a situation, where I'd feel like dying because
spiritually yayisele ingathi I'm dead already.
I turned on my bed and looked the other side
when I heard the door open, I don't know who
walked in by they were in heels and I knew it
could only be one of two people, either my
mother or Sivuyisiwe...
"Nomthandazo."
It was Vhuvhu, I didn't respond until I heard her
walk around my bed to the other side, she
looked at me enxiba amacici
Sivuyisiwe: "Nomthandazo"
I looked at her because all this time I had my
eyes open, "Mmmmm?"
Sivuyisiwe: "Aren't you going to work?"
Me: "Hayi"
Sivuyisiwe: "Ngoba?"
I looked at her, she was really interrogating me,
in such a morning, well I wasn't up for it so I
turned and faced the other side
"Sulking apha, missing work hours for a man
who clearly doesn't give a damn about you is
actually going to cost you ngoba yena uyavuka
ngoku, uya emsebenzini."
Me: "Vhuvhu please toro."
Sivuyisiwe: 'Ndi serious"
Me: "Bye Sivuyisiwe."
Sivuyisiwe: "Izolo ubuye early from work
because ungakwaz ukhupha uMihle from your
mind. You allowing le break up ikutye. People
break up Nomtha, ewe I understand uba eyakho
came unexpected and in all wrong ways kodwa
woman up toro."
I kept quiet and she walked pass the bed
heading the door, before she opened it to step
out, she turned and looked at me...
"Don't let someone like uMihle destroy all the
great stuff you already have ngalento."
She was about to open the door when I asked
Me: "Why uzothetha ngoMihle yedwa?"
She turned and looked at me, raising her
eyebrows at me
Sivuyisiwe: "Ngendithetha ngabani?"
Me: "uAphindiwe lona?"
Sivuyisiwe: "Aphindiwe? Userious
Nomthandazo?"
I sat up and looked at her, this one needed me
uba ndihlale ngempundu ke sisi
Me: "Why nim'protecta lomntana? I fail to
understand yazi"
Sivuyisiwe: "Nomthandazo inxaki yakho you're
turning a blind eye kuyo yonke lento, yes
Aphindiwe took your man but nuMihle who
approached her ezazi uba unawe"
Me: "Yena uvumelani?"
Sivuyisiwe: "Nomthandazo look at your man, fix
your man kuqala, he isn't any innocent kulento
qha you just don't want to blame it kuye."
Me: "Aphindiwe seduced him!"
Wakhamisa uVhuvhu before clapping her hands,
she pulled that pity filled face before holding
the door handle and opening the door, sent
turned and looked at me...
"I don't want to seem unsupportive kodwa if
uMihle ebekuthanda, ngengavumanga uba
seduced."
And with that she walked out. From those
words my heart felt heavy instantly, maybe I
was being ignorant towards this whole situation
but the way I felt about this man didn't allow me
to blame him, I wanted to fight for him but in
me, I had nothing left.
Right after waking up at noon, I took a long
bathe, it was so long I repeatedly added warm
water in the tub four times before I stepped out
and headed for my bedroom. My plan was to
stay in bed and think of a way ahead through
this depressed situation and life I had but when
my girlfriends told me about going out and
somehow mentioned my favorite I knew I had to.
Bed suddenly wasn't an option, what would
make me feel better would be a shot or two, it
would help numb all this shitty pain I was
feeling.
So that day was yet another day when I'd be
what that witch referred to me as, a drunkard
and that time around I was showing a middle
finger to all those who were quick to judge me
but knew shit about what I was facing. It was
my life after all!

Aphindiwe
I was still seated on the bed when he stepped
out heading to the bathroom, I couldn't stop
blushing ngoba lobhuti always found a way of
making me wet between my legs just one
simple skin to skin contact and I was gone. I
missed him, in that way if you know what I
mean, kaloku mntaka dabs kwaku bad kulo
situation yam, I needed to get back on my feet
once again so I'd get him futhi, I had cravings.
I removed my bra and struggled a little with my
skirt, now in only a bra and nothing else I called
out for him and he answered from the
bathroom...
"Phindi!"
Me: "Ndicela uzondithatha!"
It took him a while before he appeared at the
door and leaned on the wall, looking at me, he
smirked...
Me: "Yintoni?"
Mihle: "Nothing, it's just that ifunny yonke lento,
azange ndacinga uba namhlanje I'd be looking
at you like this, under my roof"
Me: "Do you regret it?"
He removed his body from the wall and walked
towards the bed, he sat down next to me
wandijonga
Mihle: "I wouldn't. Andinasizathu sozisola"
I nodded before leaning in and kissing his cheek,
I went over to his ear and took his earlope in
between my teeth, he chuckled grabbing hold of
my waist, I was about to find his lips when he
moved back a little looking at me with the most
naughtiest smile ever, wahleka la ntsini
ndiyithandayo...
Mihle: "Bendithe not ngoku kaloku babe, I'd hurt
you kaloku ngoku"
I looked at him trying to suppress the smile I
had on my face. He got up, pulled me up gently,
he had his hands on my arms, I stood up and
leaped forward towards him. I thought we'd
walk to the bathroom but when he placed his
arm on my legs and the other on my back to
hold my weight, I screamed nje kancinci...
Me: "Uzondiwisa babe (giggles)"
Mihle: "Asoze babe."
Me: "Uyancwina njena already"
He chuckled and we entered the bathroom, as
he found a way to put me down, my heart raced
under my ribcage, this was really happening and
I was fucken nervous. The water in the shower
was running, he kept on adjusting the taps and
feeling the temperature of the water, I assumed
it was alright when he looked at me and
signaled we should step in, I moved closer,
leaping and he stepped in extending his hand.
Mihle: "Mind your step babe"
I looked up at him before looking at my step, he
stepped closer and picked me up for the
second time in five minutes, I giggled when he
placed his hands close to my armpits
Mile: "(chuckles) stop moving baby."
Me: "Uyandinyumbaza mfondin"
Mihle: "No I'm not."
He placed me inside and closed the sliding door,
I had my hand under the water when I felt his
hands on my head, endinxibisa ishower cap. I
attempted on turning but he held me firm on
that position and when he came closer, closing
the gaptl between us I felt the goosebumps
growing on my body.
Mihle: "Step forward baby"
I tilted my head and looked up at him before
stepping directly under the tap, the water hitting
my head through shower cap, every step I took
he took too not wanting to form the distance
between us futhi. After some time sime phantsi
kwe tap he moved me slowly towards the wall
and I held onto it, I was about to ask uba why
endibambisa edonga when he spoke...
"Ndizokuhlamba."
Hayi with this painful leg I jumped mntaka bawo
and faced him, wayengasoze akwazi kaloku
Me: "Uzondihlamba?"
He moved back under the tap and allowed the
water to run down his body, from head to toes, I
avoided looking at his waist and anything
further down. I was still bitting the inside of my
mouth when he took two steps and closed the
gap between us, I was leaning against the wall
ndamjonga...
Mihle: "Ewe ndizokuhlamba, is there a
problem?"
Me: "I can wash myself njena babe"
Mihle: "Kanjani? You can barely balance"
Me: "Ndiyakwazi ebhafini"
He narrowed his eyes endijongile and I stared
back at him before shaking his head. He took a
large body shampoo from the product rack and
applied it on a sponge before looking at me...
'Ndikuhlamba kule view or back view?"
Me: "Mile hayi"
Mihle: "Baby iphi inxaki when I'm scrubbing
you?"
Me: "Sukuthi scrub, makes me feel dirty"
Mihle: "(sighs) when I'm washing you?"
Me: "That's better. Well awuzokwazi
undihlamba"
He narrowed his eyes at me before asking,
"Ngoba?"
Me: "Hayi baby."
Haike sana umntu wam, he placed the sponge
on my neck and started rubbing it, uthe xa
ezofika on my boob I stopped
looking at him and grabbed hold of his arm, he
looked down at me...
"Baby can I bat..."
I didn't finish that sentence when he closed the
distance between us even more, now pressing
me against the wall with his body, I looked
down at his chest which wasn't far from my
face and bit my lower lip, my breathing was
crazy. As close ad he was, he attempted on
bathing me but what he failed to understand
was how much of a turn on this was to me and
that's why I constantly stopped him. When I
stopped his hand which had the sponge and
was now close to my bellyring he didn't ask why
but he found my inner thigh with his other hand
and immediately my hold on his hand loosened.
I froze right at that position and I heard him
chuckle in a husky voice
Mihle: "Behave babe okanye we gonna have a
problem. Singahlala kule shower all day"
He whispered those words and with every word
he spoke, the smile in his was evident
Me: "Inxaki I want to..."
I stopped once again when this time around I
felt his index finger in between my pussy lips
"You want to what?"
Ndathula and he went further with his finger
until he found my already wet pussy hole, he
switched fingers and before he pushed in his
middle finger, he whispered
"Ndijonge babe?"
I opened my eyes just a little and looked at him
but I knew he was satisfied that I at least had
them open, next thing I know I felt his finger in
me, using my left leg I stood on its tippy toes
Mihle: "Uthi ufuna ntoni baby?"
Me: "Mmmmhuh?"
Mihle: "What do you want?"
Me: "I... I... Ahhhh"
Ndabamba his hand and pushed it deeper,
wayendidlalisa kaloku yena and he didn't get
how much I wanted him kodwa ke ndaphoxeka
because immediately when I pushed his hand
deeper so I would have that finger in me as a
whole he stopped and looked at me, running his
thumb on my bottom lip which I just licke
Mihle: "I have a better way of doing this
uyabona."
Me: "Which is?"
Mihle: "I want you standing kule position ukuyo
until I'm done. I'm gonna kiss you, every part of
your body, apho ndifuna khona, in any way
possible."
I looked at him and smiled when the butterflies
in my tummy multiplied crazily, he carried on
"Andizokuyeka until you cum. And that will be
all for the night."
I looked at him and nodded, wancuma.
He stepped back and looked at me, his look
wasn't of lust, it wasn't as though he was
looking at any other girl, it made me feel
beautiful, wanted emotionally and physically.
His gaze stayed at my face before he moved in
and placed a wet kiss on my collar bone, I
gasped lowly for air, holding his head ngoba the
electronic weaves it sent down my spine were
unbearable...
Mihle: "No touching babe."
He whispered that sentence and I moved my
hand slowly before closing my eyes again. I felt
his tongue slide between my breast down to my
belly ring, ndayazi shit was going to go down.

Thixo wamaZulu, if every man was exciting as

the one I had, dick sizes wouldn't be a problem!
107th Entry

Andrew

I had my laptop ontop of the dining table,

looking at my schedule of the next two weeks, it
was tight and it frustrated me because I wanted
a way or two of squeezing in a day when I'd go
and see Aphindiwe. The last time I saw her our
conversation didn't end on terms because I was
still a little astounded that she had something
going on with Miles, she never denied it to me
so I presumed there was something happening
and I hoped it was the past by now because the
Miles I knew didn't really go back to any female
once he was done with her, except for that
girlfriend of his.
The only reasonable excuse for seeing Skatebal
was because Kimberley was here at my place
during this weekend and I somehow asked
about her, she ended up telling me that
Aphindiwe was home due to an accident that
happened weeks ago but was returning to
school anytime soon. What I wanted to know
was if she was back and was okay with me
seeing her because I wanted to talk to her, I
honestly still wanted to know her, personal and
knowing that I'd be away for almost two weeks I
had to talk to her...
Bianca: "What you thinking about?"
I turned and looked at Bianca, she was more
like a sister to me now and she entered and left
my house anyway she wanted, now she was
here, chopping some fruits to eat with yoghurt
Me: "Dink ek?"
Bianca: "Dit lyk so"
I shook my head slowly before turning to the
television again...
"There's this girl who was involved in an
accident. Kimberley het vir my gesê that she
can't even walk properly."
Bianca: "So why does that bother you?"
I kept quiet, my gaze still on the laptop in front
of me, after some time I turned on the couch
and looked at Bianca, she carried on
"Or maybe djy's turned on by her."
Me: "Turned on?(Chuckles)"
Bianca: "Yes, remember you always had bad
girls coming your way so or maybe you went
their way."
Me: "Nie, they came my way."
She giggled and checked her purple wrist watch,
she went back to chopping her fruits, she was
on her fifth or sixth apple and the strawberries I
don't even want to think about. I decided to ask
when one of the biggest bowls I had in my
cardboard were now half way full...
"Are those only for you?'
Bianca: "No, of course not. Sinalo is coming
over"
Me: "Who is she with? She's always bringing
people over."
Bianca: "Ek weet nie."
Me: "Is she still with that boyfriend of hers?"
She laughed, poking a strawberry piece with a
fork and bringing it to her mouth
"Drew djy's honger."
Me: "Nie eens 'n bietjie maa' I just want to know
if they're still together, you know how much my
laaitie liked that chickita."
Bianca: "Y'all are horny motherfuckers though
and ndanixelela a lot of times not to go hungryy
over my girls"
Me: "As if y'all behave around my boys?"
She stopped the slow chopping she was doing
and placed the knife down, wiped her hands and
walked around the counter to the chair where I
was sitting, she pulled out her own chair and
sat...
Bianca: "Hence we're talking about friends,
where's Mihle?"
Me: "Miles?"
Bianca: "The one and only'
Me: "It's been ages since I spoke to that laaitie.
Why you ask?"
Bianca: "Just (long pause) You must invite him
over."
I nodded because I understood why she wanted
him over, I then turned my attention to my
laptop which just alerted me about the email
I've been waiting for, I went through it and
immediately after reading through it I stood up
and took my phone with, I needed to make an
urgent phone call. Before heading to the
balcony I went to my room and took my
cigarette and lighter with, I was now on my way
to the balcony whilst dialing the Romeo's
number...
"Laaitie."
Me: "Hoe gaan dit?"
Romeo: "Ek's ncaa bro, hoe gaan dit met jou?"
Me: "Goed. We got a problem here, maa' moenie
bang wees nie, dis niks erenstig nie."
Romeo: "Talk"
Me: "I got contacted by the guys"
Romeo: "Van Phillipi?"
Me: "Ja en djy cava wat om te jikijela"
Romeo: "Djy het my bro"
Me: "Aweza bro"
I still had my phone on my ear, done with the
conversation when I heard noises from the
kitchen, in fact female voices, so I hung up and
stepped back inside towards the kitchen
without lighting the Malbore cigarette. I arrived
at the kitchen and saw not only Sinalo but she
was with some other guy and with my boy,
Papi...
Me: "Boy"
Papi: "Yeah chap, how are you?"
Me: "Goed net. Sinalo (pause) hello"
She turned her gaze from Bianca and looked at
me, smiling. I carried on speaking to her...
"You do know once you're under someone's
roof, you should greet them first because right
now I have every right to kick you out."
Sinalo: "But you wouldn't though."
She tilted her head and waited for me to oppose
on that but I wasn't going to, like any other
Xhosa woman, she talked a lot and was loud so
I wouldn't win the argument either way.
Me: "So where have you been? One minutes
djy's hierso the next you're no more around
Cape Town."
Sinalo: "I'm from Pietermaritzburg right now, I
arrived this weekend?"
Me: "Hoe lank bly djy?"
She pouted her lips at me with her eye closed
before she replied, "I don't know yet but
ndizohamba."
Me: "Any luck, with work?"
She shook her head and turned her attention to
Papi who just touched her waist, he whispered
something in her ear and I chuckled when I saw
her face go from a beautiful smile to a
disgestes one and I could just imagine what my
boy must have said to her...
Papi: "Boy this is my poes of a brother,
remember the one ek het vir djy..."
Me: "Daardie eene of three girls at a party?"
The boy looked at me and laughed, shaking his
head. He looked like someone as young as early
20
Papi: "The one and only poes"
Me: "Ek's Andrew."
He nodded smiling and I moved from where I
was standing when Papi grabbed the cigarette I
had out of my hand, he moved a few steps
back...
Papi: "Khafumane eyakho bro, ek plead jou"
I threw him the lighter and walked towards my
bedroom while he headed for the balcony, right
after then I went to the balcony, with two
cigarette in my hand, my boy smoked like crazy.
We had our first cigarettes in silence until mine
was halfway done, his was almost finished...
Me: "Djy moes cava die Aphindiwe meisie?"
Papi: "Aphindiwe is daa' eene met die body that
screams take me to bed."
Me: "(chuckles) Fuck off."
Papi: "Yep, I remember her. Hoekom?"
Me: "I want to talk to her"
He clapped his hands right after throwing the
finished cigarette down the balacony, he looked
at me chowing on his lower lip before saying
"But?"
Me: "But there's Miles."
Papi: "That poes of a laaitie. What's he doing,
eating her?"
Me: "Ek dink so. She didn't say exactly but the
last time I was with both of them, what he said
to me was I can have her."
Papi: "Have her?"
I looked at the view in front of us, taking my
time to respond
"Yes. Like have her."
Papi: "Then why don't you take her? Fuck her!
What was up with him?"
Me: "Something went wrong between the two of
them and I happened to be around"
Papi: "Mxm. Dick of a niggur"
I laughed. I knew how much him and Miles
couldn't stand each other, they were both
hooligans and fuck boys but the fuck boy part
had nothing to do with their beef, this was
strictly business, it had to do with business and
how I replaced him with Miles. From business, it
was then affected by girls...
Me: "Does this got to do with who fucked
Bianca first?"
Papi: "Lyk ek so honger nah Andrew?"
Me: "(laughs) no dog, erens nie maa' djy's mos
baie mal so I assumed it had to do with Bianca"
Papi: "How much time did he use her?"
Me: "Use? What the fuck bra!"
Papi: "He uses them mos"
I laughed and shook my hand, he threw the last
bit of his cigarette and lit the second one,I
pulled out my cellphone from my denim shorts
and unlocked it, searching for Aphindiwe's
contact, when I found it I rang her, just when I
was about to hang up, she picked up...
"Hello?"
She sounded unsure as she greeted but I
believed she still had my number, I never gave
her any reason to delete it, unless...
Me: "How are you?"
Aphindiwe: "I'm good"
I was about to talk when I heard shuffling but
she stopped moving and I carried on talking
Me: "Can I see you?"
Aphindiwe: "Who am I talking to?"
I chuckled, I didn't think she'd ask that
"Andrew."
Aphindiwe: "Oh hello."
The smile in her voice was evident and it made
me smile too
Me: "Hello. I need to see you hey"
Aphindiwe: "Uhm see me?"
Me: "Is there a problem?"
She kept quiet and I waited for her to talk but
when she didn't talk I asked her what's wrong
Aphindiwe: "Where do you want to see me?"
Me: "Any place you cool with."
Aphindiwe: "The thing is I'm not at Res."
Me: "Where you? I can come fetch you"
Aphindiwe: "No, you can't."
Me: "Hoekom?"
She kept quiet and I waited for her once again, I
needed to know why and if it had to do with
Miles then I had to know. Honesty I wasn't
planning on being on competition with Mihle
nor create some mad beef with him, we were
good business partners but what irritated me
was how he acted like he owned her, she
couldn't even breath properly or make decisions
for herself and I've only known her for a short
while and she acted like she was scared of him
already. How long have they known each other?
She said "uhm" for the second time now so I
asked her...
Me: "Where you?"
Aphindiwe: "I'm at Mihle's"
Me: "And where's he?"
Aphindiwe: "At work"
Me: "Send me your current location then"
Aphindiwe: "I can't Andrew. He said he might
come back early"
I closed my eyes and chuckled lowly, she was
really scared of him
Me: "Okay I'll wait for the right time. And I heard
you had an accident, I hope you recovering."
Aphindiwe: "Yes I am"
Me: "Alright then Skatiebal, I'll see you."
"Bye."
I hung and sighed, absentmindedly
Papi: "And then, the furrowed eyebrows?"
I didn't even know I had my eyebrows furrowed,
I looked at Papi and shook my head again.
Papi: "What's wrong?"
Me: "Sy's daa' by his pouze"
Papi: "Who's pouze?"
Me: "Miles"
Papi snorted from exasperation and shook his
head, he really despised the guy
Papi: "Take her brother."
I chuckled and move away from where I was
standing and headed back inside, Papi followed
me. Inside, the girls were eating that fruit and
yoghurt thing they made for themselves, talking
amongst themselves.
My mind was on this Aphindiwe thing and how
she allowed this dude to use her the way he
was doing and since she was at his place,
seeing her wasn't going to be easy but I knew
I'd see her eventually, either when I go to school
to see Kimberley or through plans. I wanted to
see her, talk to her and I would whether Miles
approved of it or not.

Aphindiwe

I was sitting at the lounge watching cartoons, in

fact I wasn't watching them but I had them on
anyway. I had bathed already ngoba in the
morning ndavuka noMihle and he drove me to
the hospital for my check up before he went to
work. Excitedly I was making great progress
and the doctor told me by the end of this week I
would be able to either walk on my own, leaping
of course or to use one crutch, yayengathi
akafiki uFriday. I was extremely bored ke apha
ngoba I was alone kulendlu, after having eaten I
drank my pills and right now drowsiness was
kicking in but I was still on WhatsApp and I
missed my man, he had a meeting going on so
the last time I spoke naye was about an hour
ago.
I found myself drifting off to sleep, on the couch
which was something I hated but instead of
heading to bed I decided to go through box
office and check the movies and series this
man had. I found a list but settled for Prison
Break season two, after the third episode I lost
track of time and even stopped looking at the
watch hanging on the wall. I had my focus on
the television when my phone rang,
ndaphuthaphutha on the couch however my
gaze was still on the TV, I looked at the screen
of my cell phone before answering...
"Baby."
Mihle: "Jonga Phindi, I'm at Pick'N'Pay and I
want to know ufunantoni?"
Me: "Ndifuna ntoni?"
Mihle: "Ewe things you'll need that you might
want to eat ngomso and the other days
because ngomso andizokwazi ukuza apha
ePick'N'Pay."
Me: "Why don't I write them ku WhatsApp?"
Mihle: "Thetha baby"
Me: "Okay, ukweyiphi iaisle ngoku?"
Mihle: "Cereals"
Me: "Rice krispies neAll Bran"
"That's all?"
Me: "Ewe"
Mihle: "Okay hold on ke"
I waited and when he was on the next aisle he
asked what I wanted, he carried on doing that
until he got at the fridge"
Me: Zizobanintsi ke apha"
Mihle: "(chuckles) thetha ke baby."
Me: "Cela iUltra Mel"
Mihle: "Oh ungenile ngoku?"
Me: "(giggles) Mxm. And Mango Krush, if ayikho
ibeye Orang. Activa yogurts"
Mihle: "Zibengaphi and which size?"
"500g, noba yi two."
Mihle: "That's all you need mos?"
Me: "Ndicinga njalo yes."
Mihle: "Okay babe"
Me: "Ubuya nini?"
Mihle: "From here ndiyeza"
I nodded before saying "Okay."
He hung up and I placed my phone back on the
couch before averting my attention back to the
TV, I don't know how long I was laying on that
couch until I heard the sound of an engine being
turned off, I couldn't help the smile they grew on
my face. He walked in ephethe four plastic bags,
two in each hand...
Me: "Welcome back."
Mihle: "Khande uphile babe, for now you're
useless."
The smile I had on my face got replaced by a
hanging mouth, he placed the plastic on the
counter and walked to where I was seated at
the lounge, I looked at him causing him to laugh
a little
Mihle: "Xolo ke babe but you know what I mean"
I shook my head, sitting up properly. He bent
further holding my face on either side of my
cheeks and kissed me, when he pulled back I
had the craziest smile on my face...
"Now that I missed."
Me: "Vala ecango babe."
He looked at the door then at me, then at the
door again and instead of going for the door like
I expected him to, he pulled me up gently and
took me in his arms, I kept on screaming and
kicking but he didn't stop walking maybe it was
because ndandihleka in between, waphuma
phandle and when we were outside he
whispered in my ear stopping me from
giggling...
"We going out."
He looked at while I was still in his arms,
blushing is an understatement, my cheek bones
hurt instantly from what I was doing which I
wouldn't call smiling nor blushing, I was over
the moon.
Jonga mntaka somnci there was no way I was
denying all this, I loved this dude and this shit
didn't feel like the honeymoon phase, it felt like I
was living through that Jack and Rose
relationship ku Titanic.
108th Entry

Mihle

The smile on her face was angelic, it was

beautiful, enough to make any man want to take
her away from me but babezonya apha kum,
she was mine.
I opened the passenger seat of my car and
placed her there, she wouldn't stop smiling, I
held the door and looked at her...
Me: "You been smiling lonke elixesha"
Aphindiwe: "You make me happy"
I tilted my head and stared hard at her, I couldn't
stop smiling myself, she was just contagious. I
wanted to make her feel that way forever, I
wanted us to groom each other, I wasn't
promising her a smooth ride with no bumps or
potholes but I was definitely going to love her
no matter what...
Aphindiwe: "Ndicela ukuthuma"
Me: "Do I have an option kodwa?"
She giggled before telling me to fetch her
handbag and cellphone for her, wayefuna
utshintsha eziliphasi but I told to keep them on,
we weren't going to any places fancy lomhlobo,
it was just Spur. I went back into the house and
got what he asked for, I didn't change my
uniform but I did however leave my hat, I didn't
need it. I returned back into the car and after
closing my door she turned and looked at me...
"Siyaphi?"
Me: "eSpur"
Aphindiwe: "Nice. Masambhe ke Phopho"
Me: "You need to get better Phopho so
uzokwazi uma phaya ekitchen and cook for us"
Wandijonga with her eyebrows up a little, I
drove away from the driveway and looked at her
again as we headed for the gate...
Me: "Kutheni wandijonga kanjalo?"
Aphindiwe: "Inxaki I can't cook"
She said that in a low voice, looking at me, I
turned my gaze from the road to her then back
to the road, she didn't look like she was joking
so I wasn't going to take it as a joke.
Me: "You not joking right?"
Aphindiwe: "No babe, andikwaz"
Me: "Why didn't you learn from your mother?"
I noticed she stopped moving immediately
when I asked that, I forgot this lady and myself
didn't know each other much, so I didn't know
what would upset her and not...
"Did I say anything wrong babe?"
Aphindiwe: "No"
I looked at her again and she was staring
straight ahead, it bothered me really because
she didn't look happy all of a sudden, so without
having said a word to her again I only found a
place to park my car at the off ramp, curiousity
covered her face and she had every reason to
be curious because I was about to interrogate
her. Right after parking the car, I switched off
my engine and turned on my seat, looking at
her...
Me: "Masithethe babe"
She sighed closing her eyes, I was studying
here every move, she sighed again before
opening her eyes and looking at me, she faked
a smile, I knew that ngoba ndandisazi uba
sinjani
Aphindiwe: "Ufuna ndithini?"
Her tone was low, she wasn't staring at me so I
placed my hand under her chin and tilted her
head, she wasn't the Aphindiwe I knew,
something was bothering her...
Me: "What's wrong?"
Aphindiwe: "Akhonto"
Me: "Babe, andizalwanga izolo (long pause)
what is it?"
Aphindiwe: "Mihle can we just go toro"
I folded my arms and looked at her,I hope she
knew well uba I wasn't going to give this one in,
she was going to talk, bulking up things and not
talking to anybody about them had a negative
impact nakubani nah and I wasn't going to have
someone who was sad living under my room...
Me: "Asihambe apha til you talk"
Aphindiwe: "Ndithetha ndithini?"
Me: "You're going to tell me uba kutheni xa
ndibuza ngoMamakho you mood changes"
Aphindiwe: "That should be clear uba andifuni
uthetha ngayo and that's why ndizotshintsha
when she's mentioned"
Me: "Ngoba?"
Aphindiwe: "Ngoba andifuni uthetha ngayo.
Don't you get it?!"
Me: "Don't raise your voice at me and just talk."
I had my eyebrows furrowed right now, I
seriously wasn't going to have let it go because
if I did na the next time ndifuna uthetha ngayo
lento she'd find an excuse of running away from
it so there was no turning back, we were talking
about it whether she wanted or not.
"I don't want to talk about it, please."
Her voice was shaky kengoku and she wouldn't
stop blinking, something was hurting her but for
me to know I needed her to talk, for me to
understand all she had to do was open up to me
Me: "Try babe"
Aphindiwe: "You wouldn't understand."
I moved closer on my seat and touched her
thigh
Me: "Try me baby"
She shook her head, closing her eyes, it is only
then I realized she had tears in her eyes when
she closed them, releasing a tear from each eye.
I was worried kengoku what could be so bad
that she couldn't talk about, that when she tried
it brought her to a breaking point. I brought my
thumb to her tear and captured it, I was still
staring at her when I took her face in my hands,
I wiped the tears with my thumbs from both her
cheeks and she looked at me, I didn't ask her to
talk again because she tried telling me...
"I don't have umama."
I furrowed my eyebrows at her, letting go of her
face slowly, I couldn't have imagined it.
Aphindiwe: "She passed away 2014."
Me: "I'm sorry"
Aphindiwe: "And you know what hurts me the
most, is how she left me all by myself, it's
the situation she left me in, the hope that I'd
have a little sister, someone to bond with."
Me: "What happened?"
She shook her head countless times, for a
moment she sounded like she wasn't crying at
all, it was just tears coming out of her eyes, it
was sad because there was nothing I could do
about this. I was still looking at her when she
really did cry, making that sound which
everybody knew you were crying, she was
shaking enaso nesingqala, I opened the door of
my car and stepped out heading to the other
side of the car where she was seated, after
coming the door I brought her closer in my
arms. I know uba ndandithe she's gonna talk
about it whether she wants to or not but this
was enough for the day. In my touch she
relaxed a bit, her cry soften but she was still
crying because every time she sniffed, her body
indicating that uyalila...
Me: "Baby thula kaloku, ndiyakucela Mambhele"
She shook her head which was laying on my
stomach, I gently pulled her out and she
allowed me to, I took her in my arms, her feet
were hanging because in my hug
ndandimnyusile. After some time she stopped
crying she only had hiccups from crying ngoku
but she wasn't anymore. Right now she was
standing on her feet but her body was still
leaning against mine, I didn't stop begging her
and repeatedly saying "shhhh" until she
completely stopped moving, I pulled back and
looked at her...
Me: "Baby?"
She wasn't looking at me, she was staring hard
at my chest as if thinking so I tilted her face and
looked at her, for lemizuzu her eyes were
already swollen
"I'm sorry."
She just stared at me and honestly I felt bad for
forcefully digging up something she didn't want
to talk about even though I knew she was going
to tell me anyway ngoba she has no option, if
we were planning to go long with each other, we
had no other choice but to be open with one
another.
After ixesha elide sime on that same spot, on
the same position with a bunch people looking
at us qho xabedlula ngemoto zabo she pulled
back wandijonga...
Me: "Uright?"
She nodded and forced a smile
Me: "Xolo evha"
Aphindiwe: "I'm okay. I have to find a way to let
it go, to find closure and accept that she's..."
Wathula, I was still looking at her when I noticed
her eyes filling up with tears again
Me: "Masiyeke uthetha ngayo. You'll tell me
when you're ready"
She nodded esosula inyembezi zakhe then she
giggled before talking
"We got all these people looking at us xabe
dlula."
Me: "Inoba bathi ndikukhalisile"
She giggled again endijongga, I placed a long
back kiss on her forehead and moved back
whispering
"Usafuna uyotya out or should we just order
phaya endlini?"
Aphindiwe: "Ha.a masiye kulendawo besisiya
kuyo"
I nodded, helped her back into the car and we
drove off, in small talks and in between those I
realized how much care I had for this lady
because ever since that breakdown I couldn't
stop thinking what was the possible way to
make her forgive and move on from this burden.
We arrived at Spur and we ordered our meal,
our mood was better by now because we were
laughing sihleba the waitress who came to ask
for our order, wayegeza kelo baby wam ngoba
she was the one who noticed the error kula
weave yakhe and now she wouldn't stop
making silly comments about it...
Me: "Awusanga marn, ide ibengathi wayiyela
eskolweni lento"
Aphindiwe: "Kodwa nyani baby. Uyabona baby
akamhlanga ncam usisi kodwa I bet she isn't
bad kodwa kengoku uzigqume ngala bonding
which isn't helping her situation at all."
Me: "So wena Phopho, ithini isuggestion yakho?
She must stay natural?"
Aphindiwe: "Ndifuna uqala ndimbone kwi
natural hair, ingathi kanti yingozi kwakulo
department"
Me: "(chuckles) you women though."
She looked at me encumile before looking at
the waitress who was bringing the glass of
water she asked for, as she approached the
table I couldn't help but chuckle again, shaking
my head.
I was still busy on my WhatsApp when my cell
phone rang, it was receiving a call from a
private number so I just stared at the screen
and didn't attempt on answering. When it rang
the second time Aphindiwe asked me who it
was so I just turned the phone kuwe and she
pulled a face of concern...
Aphindiwe: "Kutheni ungayiphenduli? What if it's
something urgent?"
Me: "If it's urgent then lomntu will contact me
without an hidden ID"
She shrugged her shoulder and returned her
attention back to the glass of water in front of
her. When the phone stopped ringing I went
back to WhatsApp and chatted my way through,
my baby and I were talking but I stopped talking
and started blushing in a manly type of way
when I received her text on WhatsApp ethi
"I been staring at you. Umhle Fhaku wam."
I looked up at her woth my bottom lip in
between my teeth, she was staring at me
encumile kakhulu, I think way more than I was...
Me: "You know what that just did to me"
She giggled shaking her head, I chuckled and
went back to my phone because she knew
exactly what I was talking about. Right after our
food arrived, we dined on it, Aphindiwe ordered
the meal with ribs and six buffalo wings, some
chips and that other shirt, while I just had
everything meaty; wings, steak and quarter
chicken. Aphindiwe was saying something to
me but my attention fell on my phone which
vibrated again, receiving a message from
WhatsApp, I looked at the message notification
ribbon on my cell phone and dragged it down, it
was a message from Nomthandazo, surprise
overwhelmed me as well as curiosity so I
opened it and it read...
"Been tryna call you but you wouldn't pick up. I
want to know Mihle, what must I do with this
baby?"
And right there I froze, I hadn't forgotten that
she was carrying my baby but I was hoping she
wouldn't contact me just when things were
falling into place. I held my phone not knowing
how to answer that for now kodwa I knew uba
whatever decision she was going to take, I
prayed aborting my only child wasn't lingering
around her mind.

I looked at Aphindiwe and she was

concentrating the French fries in front of her. I
needed this young woman to be fucken strong
for us because ngoku we were heading back to
square one.
109th Entry

Nomthandazo

I was laying on a couch at Athi's flat, enjoying

the cool air which was made by the fan. Not
long ago I've been talking to Athi, who happens
to be my gay friend, about le situation yam
noMihle and okwangoku he was gone to the
kitchen to dish out some ice cream for us. I
didn't understand how it happened that this
dude wasn't fat as yet, I mean uyatya lobhuti,
maybe he was meant to have a small body. I
was humming one of Mihle's favourite songs,
Her Heart by Anthony Hamilton, I was deep in
wonder land thinking about how love so perfect
can just change overnight, it was surprising
really and ndandisele ndisiya ndixola because I
knew Karma is a bitch, la bitchikazi yomntana
would rip what she sowed so I learnt to be
patient because I knew it wasn't going to
happen now, all I needed to do was to move on
and mend myself, what was mine will later on
return back to me. Athi stepped back into the
lounge ephethe two bowls with caramel ice
cream...
Athi: "Ina ke peto"
I sat up and took the bowl, after having the
second spoon of this delicious ice cream, he
spoke receiving my attention
"Yazi wena chommie yeka ezikaka zabantu,
they'll get what they deserve. Bakhe bayivaphi
lento bayenzayo."
Me: "Ndiphumile kubo"
Athi: "Baphume chocho, baphume toro."
I nodded scooping yet another spoon full. We
stayed quiet for a long while, I was thinking how
could I possibly get used to not having
someone call me, to not having his arms around
me, his lips, his good satisfying dick, his great
sex, seeing his smile, his dimple, his touch
which would never fail to get me wet. Just the
thought of knowing he's giving all those to
another woman made me sick to the stomach,
it wasn't a great feeling and ndandicinga uba
izondibhityisa yonke lento ngoba it was all I
thought off.
Me: "I need to call him"
Athi: "Uzothini kuye?"
Me: "Ndifuna umbuza ngalomntana ndimithi
ngaye"
Athi: "Myeke marn peto"
Me: "Ndimyeka njani Athi? How the hell am I
supposed to know what to do with lomntan?"
Athi: "Yima! What do you mean what you
supposed to do? Aren't you planning on keeping
the child?"
Me: "Andazi Athi, I'm just so indecisive."
Athi: "Peto this is your child too bhabha. You
never saw me losing my dignity and value
because of inja yendoda etye lendunu yam
eprecious. So don't, in the long run you'll regret
lento."
I sighed, filled another spoon of ice cream and
took my phone, I wasn't going to listen to Athi, I
needed to know uba wayesithini yena
utatomntana. I changed my phone into a private
number ngoba I had a huge filling that he
wouldn't answer it if he saw my number. I tried
him kayi two and he didn't pick up, I decided to
text him on WhatsApp. I noticed right after
texting him that he went online, he blueticked
my message but didn't respond, ndamlinda
sana, I waited for something close to five
minutes staring at my phone, waiting for a text
hayi sana lendoda instead of answering
waphuma kwakulo WhatsApp. You know how
fucked up you feel after being blueticked, how
rejected you feel, it provoked my anger ke lento
especially now that we were apart and he
wanted nothing to do with me ngongathi
wayetyelwe iyeza. I chuckled ngoba it was
ridiculous nyani, what did she have which made
him fall for her so quick? Containing the anger I
had, I decided to text him again and to my
surprise there was one tick, I believe my face
showed how shocked I was because uAthi
asked...
"Yintoni Peto?"
Me: "AyingoMihle"
Athi: "Wenzani?"
Me: "This guy. Athi yintoni inxaki yamadoda,
why are these people so cruel?"
Athi: "Wenzeni kaloku?"
Me: "I text this guy ogqiba kwakhe undishiya
nge blueticks, now I'm texting him again
kungena one tick"
Athi: "Did he block you?!"
Wabuza ephakama and found a seat next to
him, he grabbed my phone and looked at my
texts with Mihle...
Athi: "Hayi kodwa chommie no no. Xa umhlohla
kanje nge texts lomntu, no wonder he's been
ignoring you. Ezingaka!"
Me: "I was desperate Athi, I wanted to know uba
kuthenu ezondishiya"
Athi: "Nana xa engaphenduli on the first text or
second, myeke. Jonga wena na yizolo
umbulisile. Ubuzothini kuye?"
Me: "Andazi"
Athi: "Ubumlinga nje qha, testing him to see if
he's going to respond nah and that's wrong
Nomthandazo. Myeke lomntu, the more you
force things the more angazobona sidingo
sokukhumbula. Give him time, ungamthethisi."
I sighed, ndandiyazi uba he was right but I just
couldn't, I didn't want to let go, I wasn't ready to
let it all go, not now.
Athi: "You need to see someone for help"
I raised my eyebrows at him, I wasn't that much
broken that I'd need help from someone who
would understand only words from me but not
what I was going through.
Me: "That's craziness. Asoze"
He got up, shrugging his shoulders walking to
the kitchen, I stay seated on that couch looking
far ahead, thinking hard, even though deep
down ndandingazazi what to do with this child, I
knew losing the second one would kill me
mpela ngoba ndandisele ndi half dead already.

I consoled myself in all sorts of ways possible

and I believed noba wayemnkile, he wasn't gone
for too long.

Bianca

Elaxesha sasihleli kwa Andrew went by well, it

was fun for me because my girl was here, at
least I wasn't with the men only, these guys
were a pain in the ass. We were now at
Andrew's lounge sisitya ipizza talking about the
party yale weekend, as usual uPapi was iparty
pooper efuna singahambi because like he's
always said, he can't party with us girls because
siyafunwa, senze nenxaki which is partly true
ngoba we fine kaloku. The other reason he
didn't want us to go with them, even though he
didn't say it, was how uMihle actually won me
over him, yes the guy like me but being the
classy type of lady I was, there was definitely no
way I'd fall for a gangster like him. Well abantu
saw uMihle as a gangster too ngoba he was
involved in these type of works but he was neat,
wayesithi ehamba phaya anuka kamnandi,
umhle, unxiba kakhle, wayesenza ikaka sisi.
I was about to comment on what Papi had just
said when Sinalo spoke...
"No we not asking you Papi, we leaving nani.
Worse ke mna bhuti ndizohamba kungekudala
apha, so I need this outing. Andrew where we
going babe?"
I giggled ngoba that's how I knew my girl...
Andrew: "We planning to have a party but my
boys suggested we have it away from Cape
Town."
Me: "Party for?"
Andrew: "We threw parties every year , net vir
die progress we've done the previous jaar. We
often have them around January but now we
had problems, hence Mihle being in the picture."
Sinalo: "Who's Mihle?"
Me: "What picture?"
Papi: "Hayi, B you're going too far.
Akufunekanga uyazi lonto"
Sinalo: "Ngubani uMihle?!"
We all looked at her ngoba she actually yelled
that question out, I believe we were all giving
her annoyed looks when she said...
"Kaloku kudala ndibuza."
Me: "It's some hunk chommie. Isize zam
mfondin"
Sinalo: "Thixo wam, Drew is he coming?"
Papi: "Akuzothethwa ngala kaka mos"
Me: "Mxm (pause) you need to learn how to
stand the guy ngoba sihamba naye."
Andrew: "We are?"
Me: "He's your business partner. You guys are
talking about a business party so umshiyelani?"
Papi: "Kan ek die list draft?"
Sinalo: "Ha.a Papi, no. Awuzokwazi bhuti ngoba
kaloku wena uzosiphosisa ngabantu."
Me: "Drew how's this whole thing going? We
leaving for the weekend? With who?"
Andrew: "I'll make phone calls to the people I
need around"
I nodded and clapped my hands once, they all
looked at me and I couldn't help the smile which
made its way to my face, if that was the case I
needed to go renew my hairstyle and get my
nails done, shit was about to go down.
Papi: "Kuzonyiwa boy!"
He said that getting up, smacking Andrew's
shoulder and in the house we all knew what he
meant,except for Sinalo and the little boy who
came with Papi. I got up and retreated to the
kitchen, I was taking back the bowl which we
used for the fruit dessert we just ate, when I
returned to the lounge Sinalo was already on
her feet, her handbag in her hands and just after
saying our goodbyes to the boys, we headed
out.
All I could think off was the coming Friday, how
much I had a lot to prepare for and how much
the coloured side I got from my mother's family
would definitely be shown in many ways.

Mihle

Wednesday and Thursday my days with ubaby

wam went smooth, I decided I'd talk to
Nomthandazo during the weekend, I would
make time for her then and we would get the
chance to talk about this in a more adult way.
However my plans got ruined Thursday when I
got a phone call from Bulelani esithi he received
an invitation from Andrew, inviting us to join his
team at a weekend getaway they were planning
to have. I rejected that because I knew there
were a lot of things which could possibly go
wrong and many others which were capable of
ruining that getaway but Bulelani being Bulelani
he suggested we go, his only reason being how
we needed to get deep in their planning so we
later form strategies for them so that bazoyeka
ubayi tough competition for us. It made senses
honestly but I had more important plans this
weekend, I had a family to fix in fact kodwa ke I
gave in anyway postponing the plans. Right now,
on a Friday afternoon I was seated at the
lounge with uPhindi wam who had stopped
using iwalker from today morning, after the
scans the doctor told her the great news uba
her bone was rigid but she'd leap for a couple of
day before she gets used to walking again, I
was now packing my clothes for ubububhanxa
betrip to Strand.
Aphindiwe refused uhamba nam so we planned
I'd drop her off at school then fetch her again
when I return Sunday. This lady whom I happen
to be loving a lot was looking at me, her hands
supporting her chin...
Me: "Yintoni ngoku baby?"
Aphindiwe: "Nothing. Nothing at all babe, qha
bendingayiqondi this is how much you guys go
out"
Me: "Not at all ke Phopho qha nguBulelani lona
uforce(stela) izinto."
Aphindiwe: "Then kutheni ungamxelele uba
awufuni?"
Me: "It's strictly business babe"
"Then why ubufuna uhamba nam?" Was what
she asked next, I stopped folding the jeans I
had in my hands and looked at her, she stared
back at me esusa her chin from her palms and
sitting up straight, I had my eyes narrowed at
her...
Me: "You wouldn't understand."
She nodded averting her gaze from me to the
television, I was looking at her before I went
back to what I was doing, her natural hair which
was just a mess on her head looked good on
her, I failed to understand why she covered
such long, beautiful hair. I went back to folding
my clothes while she was looking through Box
Office for a movie...
Me: "Faka iThe Conjuring"
Aphindiwe: "It's horror right?"
I nodded and she looked at me, her eyebrows
raised a little before she spoke
"Hayi babe. Ndayoyika."
Me: "Emini?"
She looked at me, her lips parted a little, I
chuckled shaking my head, ndashukuma where
I was seated and stepped over to the couch on
which she was sitting, I balanced by the
armrests and leaned further, she didn't flinch
until our foreheads attached, wabhekela...
"Ubhekelelani?"
Aphindiwe: "Ndifuna ukujonga kakhle"
I couldn't help but smile, instead of carrying on
doing what I was doing I pulled back and
walked over to my seat, oko endijongile, I could
tell she wanted to ask me why I stopped so I
suppressed the smile that was threatening to
show on my face and looked at her with a
cocked brow...
Me: "Thetha"
Aphindiwe: "What do you want me to say?"
Me: "Khaze apha"
Aphindiwe: "Ndizothini?"
Me: "Yiza apha Aphindiwe"
She stayed put wandijonga, very hard before
saying
"You never call me by my name."
I wasn't going to answer that but I was glad she
noticed such small things...
Me: "Awufuni uza?"
She shook her head and looked at me, I
chuckled ndicumile before getting up and
walking towards the room, I heard her scream
"Phopho iza." But I didn't turn back and look at
her, I carried on.
After stepping out of the shower with a towel
around my waist I headed back to the lounge,
my bag was closed and done packed whereas I
left it half way, this was one of the reasons she
was a keeper. I walked over to the kitchen
where I found her making sandwiches, she
couldn't see me because she had her back on
me so I walked over to her but she heard me
anyway and attempted on turning, I stopped her
by holding her waist and keeping her still on
that position, she giggled, ndamsondela,
pressing her between myself and the cardboard.
I placed my thumb under her ear and rubbed
there ndisehla, she carried on doing what she
was doing until that thumb met her nipple under
the vest she was wearing, when I asked her uba
kutheni enganxibanga a bra, she told me it's a
nipple free vest and she new I didn't approve of
it but ndimyekile for now hence ezoya eRes. I
couldn't help the smirk which made it's way to
my face and she laid her head on my chest with
her eyes closed, she provoked me when she
stood on her tippy toes and pushed her ass out
on my manhood, I used my other free hand and
held her waist, immediately when I dug my
fingers in her skin she hissed, pressing her ass
harder on me. I was getting hard and I think she
felt it because she started moving her waist
around to help move her ass on me, when I felt
that it was getting out of control I moved back,
holding her waist away from me. My breathing
was out of control, ndandimfuna nyani but not
now, I needed her to heal first she couldn't go
back to square one...
"Masiyeke baby."
Aphindiwe: "Ngoba baby?"
She turned and looked at me, I saw by the look
in her eyes that she wanted it as much as I did, I
was about to answer her when she held the
towel on my waist, I moved my gaze from her
face to her hands, wayikhulula and I felt my
blood rush immediately when I looked up at her
face again, she was staring at me, horniness
clear in her eyes, she bit her bottom lip causing
me to lick mine. She was close to letting go of
the towel but I quickly grabbed hold of her
hands, stopping her...
Me: "Andifuni uphinde uthunukale. You're
already healing"
She looked at me, paying attention attentively
ngoba my voice was husky, she nodded slowly
but I could tell wayengakholwa, I moved closer
and kissed her, it wasn't just a kiss, it was an
apologetic type of kiss wancuma while my lips
were still on hers and I pulled back...
"Uzohamba unxibe le vest?"
She ran her hand on my abs, looking at my
chest. I called her by igama lakhe when I saw
uba she wasn't going to answer me, she looked
at me
Me: "Ndiyathetha"
Aphindiwe: "Baby you'll drop me off eres njena,
it isn't like ndizophuma ngaso showing my
boobs off as you say."
I moved away from her and headed to the fridge,
ndakhupha ijuice and filled two glasses, waiting
for her to finish the sandwiches.

We were now done with everything, standing at

the trunk of my car packing ibags zethu, it was
just two standard bags, her toiletry bag and
handbag, she walked over to the passenger
door and I went over to drivers. Our ride was
like any other, she did most of the talking and it
was funny because uqala kwam umbona I
believed she was a woman of few words but I
figured she waited until she felt comfortable
around you.
At her residence she asked me to walk her to
her room because her friends weren't around,
when we got to her room there were two girls
and I believed one of them was her roommate, I
didn't stay long ngoba I had to kwa Bulelani
because we were leaving together. She walked
me out and kept me at the staircase engafuni
ndihambe, kissing me nonstop but I finally
convinced her that the weekend will pass by
quick, Sunday I'll be here first thing ufika kwam,
after all I was just 50 minutes away from her.
I arrived kwa Bulelani ndafika engekagqibi so I
had to wait, I was a little taken back when I
found Lumka at his place and find out that she
was leaving with us, they been having problems
lately inxaki. We weren't even far from Bulelani's
when these two love birds started to annoy me,
even though I was sitting kwi front I still felt like
she was the one at the front seat, relaxed that
Bulelani knew I was now with Aphindiwe, I
unlocked my phone and dialed her number.
Lumka couldn't stop laughing because before I
dialed her number, ndandimbhombha.
Waphendula on the third ring...
"Baby?"
Me: "Get ready baby, sizokulanda"
Aphindiwe: "Siyaphi?"
Me: "Ndihamba nawe."
Aphindiwe: "but bendithe andirhaleli uhamba."
Me: "Uyahamba kengoku."
Aphindiwe: "Oh"
Me: "Change lo vest please"
She giggled before saying "okay" for the second
time, I hung up and noticed Bulelani shaking his
head encumile.
Bulelani: "Kuzonyiwa kule kaka yeStrand. Bianca,
Papi and Aphindiwe. Zonke zithi wena boy"
Me: "Nah groot man, inye ethi mna and yile
siyoyilanda."
He chuckled and shook his head for the second
time in less than a minute. I increased the
volume of the house song which was playing on
his radio and laid back on the chair, closing my
eyes.

Bulelani thought about Bianca and Papi who

were my least worry, my greatest concern was
Andrew and how he'd act around my lady and
ubonanje ndandizomvula, just to observe
something.
110th Entry

Aphindiwe

I didn't understand why Mihle wanted me to go

with him all of a sudden but I was glad anyway
ngoba I was worried about him being away
from me, in some place azobona khona
amantombazana and now that he said we
should go together, it was much of a reliever
even though I was lazy.
I went through my bags and took out there
outfits, I then changed my jeggings into my
black high waisted denim jeans, a white crop
top and my black palladium boots, I was
satisfied with this even though I felt I should've
stayed in that outfit yam ngoba this was a way
of making more laundry for myself.
I checked if my toiletry yayiphele but I realized
uba my roll on was almost out so I searched for
my clicks bag which I already had in my
wardrobe and took out my Mitchum roll-on and
placed it in my toiletry bag, when I believed I
was done after drinking my painkillers I sat on
the bed waiting for these people. I texted uMihle
asking him if I'd need to bring my swimwear
nah because I heard him talk about not
understanding why they had to go nearby the
beach, but when he didn't respond I assumed
not. After some time I had my phone ikhala
fromy handbag, I pulled it out and saw his
number, I answered...
"Baby"
Mihle: "We outside, phuma"
Me: "Which gate?"
Mihle: "The usual"
I nodded as if uyandibona before saying okay. I
grabbed my small piece of my fifth suitcase set
and my Bella cosmetic bag, along with my
handbag but when I struggled uhamba with
these things which I had to carry, I placed these
bags on my bed and called my man, right after
the first ring he picked up...
Mihle: "Hmmm?"
Me: "Ndicela uzondiphathisa"
Mihle: "Ndizokuphathisa? Baby what are you
carrying kanti?"
Me: "Ndiyakucela toro. You'll see ufika kwakho
apha"
Mihle: "Uyasokolisa kodwa Mambhele"
Me: "Please babe"
I heard the sound of the wind I presumed he
was out of the car but he didn't hang up so I too
stayed on the line, ndincumile ke phofu. I could
hear his breathing which was low and satisfying
to me, just to know uba wayesaphefumla while I
still had him, after some time he asked
"First floor or second?"
Me: "Second, the fourth door"
Mihle: "Okay"
Then he ended the call and in no time there was
a knock on the door, I leaped to the door and
opened it, he was standing afar from the door,
looking down at the passage, there were female
voices coming this way...
Me: "Come in kaloku"
Mihle: "Yintoni lena ingaka uyiphetheyo?"
Me: "My bag and toiletry"
He held my Bella cosmetic bag and lifted it up,
examining it
"Yitoiletry bag lena?"
Me: "Ewe"
Mihle: "Engaka?!"
I giggled, looking at him
Me: "Kaloku babe it's more than just a toiletry
bag, uyakwazi nofaka ipanty zakho"
He nodded grabbing isuitcase after that so that
left me with my handbag only and my cell
phone saphuma, when we stepped out there
girls who were coming were standing at the
third door, phandle bencokola, when we passed
one of them greeted waphendula uMihle and
then there were comments, I heard uMihle
giggled and I pushed aside the curiosity of
asking if he heard. We arrived at the car and
immediately when I saw Bulelani ndancuma,
earning a gaze from Mihle, he made things by
getting out of his car and walking towards us,
when I opened my arms he took me in his
wandinyusa, I giggled when I heard Mihle
mumbling something under his breathe.
Bulelani placed me on the floor and looked at
me...
"Phindi wentwana yam."
I couldn't help the blushing which occurred after
that, I looked at uMihle and he was stepping in
the car looking at us, I was about to talk when
Mihle spoke...
Mihle: "Groot man asinamini yonke"
Bulelani: "Une jealous kengoku Miles"
He looked at me and shook his head, I brought
Bulelani close and whispered something in his
ear, wahleka moving back, we both looked
towards the car when he heard the door livalwa
kakubi and I knew it was Mihle, it was cute
when he's jealous. After Bulelani and I stepped
into the car it's only then I noticed there was
someone else in the car, I greeted the lady,
wavuma with a nod and a smile, hence I was at
the chair behind my man I poked him and he
turned wdndijonga...
Me: "Suqumba kaloku"
Bulelani: "Myeke Phindi I got you."
Me: "You do?"
Mihle: "Uyambuza?"
Me: "I need to know kaloku babe"
Mihle: "Ngoba?"
He had his eyes narrowed at me by now and I
couldn't help the smile which made its way to
my face, he shook his head and looked to the
front, uBulelani placed his hand on his shoulder
laughing before he spoke...
Bulelani: "Relax(a) andisoze boy"
Mihle: "Awunolunga noba ubufuna bra."
They both chuckled and we drove off, I sat back
on my chair, ndagxhelisha the lady next to me,
she had her leg upon the other looking at her
phone, well this was going to be a long ride.
Andazi how long I been sleeping or when I slept
but I was woken up by uMihle asking me uba
ndifuna ntoni, I looked around my eyes hurting a
little, we were at a garage...
Me: "Ndifuna ntoni kanjani?"
He smiled taking my face in his, wandincamisa
with a wet baby kiss before pulling back and
talking
Mihle: "Iinto yosnack(a)"
Me: "Lays Phopho, eze lightly salted"
Mihle: "That's all?"
Me: "Ewe. Wena uzothenga ntoni?"
He looked at me with his head tilted to the side,
the look he gave me was as though he was
asking why but I didn't answer because
ndandingekho sure. I expected him to walk
away and head to he garage but when he held
me by the waist and picked me up from the
chair and placed me on the floor I knew he
wanted me to go inside naye so we walked in,
hand in hand, a gesture I wasn't used to coming
from him. When we were inside he took the
basket wathatha two party bags zeLays, he
took a couple of Monsters, a Krush grape juice
and then he turned and looked at me...
"Yintoni?"
Mihle: "What else?"
Me: "Chocolate?"
Mihle: "Take kaloku"
I took my favourite chocolate and went on to
the fridge and pulled out a caramel magnum ice
cream, he had his eyes on me this whole time
and it made me feel somehow uncomfortable
because it wasn't one of those smiley or
seductive looks of his, it was as though he was
questioning himself about something. We
walked over to the till and stood at the line,
Bulelani and that lady were at the line so Mihle
gave them our basket and stood next to
Bulelani, I stood besides him and waited there
for them to finish up, when we walked out I was
behind with my man and asked him if they were
an item, he shocked me when he replied for six
years...
Me: "Why doesn't he marry her?"
Mihle: "Merry?"
Me: "Ewe, amlobole"
He shook his head before saying
"Akasoze enze lonto uBulelani"
Me: "Ngoba"
He looked at me and didn't answer, a part of me
told me he was part of it, the never-get-married
type and it scared me because even though it
was just a few si official, I knew I wasn't saying
him to pass time, I was building in him,
investing kuye but it wasn't time for that now.
We drove away from the garage and to my
surprise it was just a ten to fifteen minute drive
from the garage, I didn't know we were that
close, before we drove in between the hotel
Bulelani made a phone call to someone,
ndamva xa ethetha some Afrikaans that it must
be Andrew. After the phone call he drove further
towards the beach parking lot and we helped
look around to find Andrew's car, knowing he
drives a Ranger I shouted immediately when I
saw it asking if ayiyo nah leyo, from Bulelani I
earned a thumbs up while from Mihle I earned
something more like an indirect irritated
chuckled. I decided to ignore that because
ekugqibeleni ndandizode ndiyazi lemoto, this
guy wayehamba eskolweni almost everyday to
see his sister. We found a parking three cars
away from his and we didn't know uba uhamba
nabani but when we stepped out and saw them
standing as a group from afar I began to feel
uncomfortable, they were more than ten people
standing in one circle, bottles of Ice Tropez in
somes hands and Castle Lites in the others. We
approached them, my hand in Mihle's and
kengoku nokukuqwalela babundenzela umjojo
ngoba I was earning eyes already, inoba abanye
babesithi ndinyiswa ngulo bhuti. Right when we
arrive at the circle many heads turned while
others were still looking at the sea, Andrew and
his friend along with one of the coloured guy I
saw when they were at school were the only
people I knew, the rest of the faces were all
knew to me. Andrew greeted uMihle then at
Bulelani before coldly greeting Bhuti'B girlfriend
then he snapped his gaze back to Mihle then
me, wathetha...
Andrew: "I didn't know you'd be here too"
Me: "Well I am"
Mihle: "Did you expect her to be elsewhere?"
Andrew: "Niks bra, ek sê maa' net (No bro, I'm
just saying.)
Ubaby nodded before letting go of my hand and
greeting other people, the guy who looked too
much of a gangster and spoke Afrikaans like he
weren't walked towards me wandibulisa, I
forgot his name but I remembered partying with
him back at Khayelitsha, when I first met them
at the Cape Flats. He started talking about how
scarce I was and how I should let free
ndingahlali eres all the time or I'd end up not
making there, I told him I had friends already
and he seemed pleased that I was still in
contact with the girls especially with Kimberley,
it took me by surprise ngoba I didn't think it
would ever interest him that much. I was still
standing there, looking stupid kaloku sana
ngoba abantu apha bayazana when I saw Mihle
talking to two girls and some guy, he was deep
on the chat so I stayed put where I was.
Ndandiqaliswa udikwa and feeling out of place
ngoba my babe who was now laughing with
another guy looked like he forgot he had a
parcel like me, I was about to walk to Bulelani
and ask for car keys when someone poked me,
ndajika and looked at me, it was Andrew...
"I saw you leaping when y'all were walking here.
How bad was the accident? (Pause) If you feel
comfortable talking about it?"
Me: "It's okay. It was bad, it's only now I'm
totally healing. I couldn't even walk by myself"
Andrew: "Shit that's fucked up mos"
Me: "I know, it was painful honestly"
He extended his hand and touched the fading
scar on my forehead with his thumb, he softly
traces on it before pulling it back and talking
Andrew: "It's a relieving feeling that you better
but I'm sad I couldn't even come see you."
Me: "It's okay really, I'm well now"
Andrew: "Ya djy is and I'm happy (long pause)
that you're here"
I was about to answer when someone cleared
their throat, it was uMihle and I knew the only
he came here was because he saw me talking
to Andrew who honestly was just being friendly
to me, even though it might have seemed too
much. He had his hands in his Markham's black
men skinny jeans, looking at Andrew with a
raised brow, he spoke...
"You are?"
Drew wamjonga before ajonge phantsi, encuma,
wanyusa intloko yakhe still smiling and he
answered
Andrew: "Like any other person who came here,
I'm happy she's here."
He furrowed his eyebrows at Mihle with that
smirk still on his face, Mihle was quiet all this
time looking at him, he finally pulled out his
hand from his pocket and slowly took mine in
his, looking at our hands before he looked up at
Andrew, wathi, in a husky chilled tone...
"It's our first weekend ever Drew, don't fuck it
up."
Andrew chuckled, then looked at his bottle of
Castle, he took sip before nodding, encumile, he
then looked at me before he turned and faced
the sea, I let out a soft sigh I didn't know I was
holding, ndajika and looked at this man besides
me...
Me: "It's our first weekend out together, nam
ndiyakucela ungayimosha"
Mihle: "It's our first weekend out nabantu not
together.
I was about to talk again when I saw him smile
a little, he spoke again
Mihle: "The sooner we find ihotel and our rooms,
the better."
I looked up at him, he pulled me close hugging
me, I encircled my arms around his waist and
placed my chin on his chest, looking at him. He
placed his soft lips on my forehead and looked
at me then at my forehead, he awoken the
element known for destroying any relationship,
comparison, when he too ran his thumb on that
same scar Andrew did a minute ago.
This one didn't scare me though because he
was still number one, his touch was still the
best, to do wonder in all kinds of ways because
when the tip of his thumb made contact with
my skin, I grew goosebumps and it wasn't
because of the sea breeze, it was the affect his
touch had on me.

This one didn't worry me ngoba ndandizazi uba

ndiziva njani mna, what worried and scared me
was if he ever looked at the way I did things and
compared me to Nomthandazo.

111th Entry

Bianca

We stood there for a while kuthwa silinde

ooMihle, which was bonus on its own but what
was extra was the fact that ndandinxibe my
short navy jumpsuit with my heels showing off
my light skinned legs, I had a great skin so I'd
flaunt it. Don't get it wrong I wasn't doing it all
for Mihle but since he was coming he then got
to see me in this ngoba and flaunting all this for
him would be a stupid move, he already knew
all of me. When they arrived I didn"t know
ngoba until I saw him step out, well I only found
myself turning to their direction when someone
amongst us said "they're here", then I found
myself gazing around until I saw him, dressed in
a white puma T-shirt, a black loose skinny jean
and white converse chucks, he looked delicious
even when his wasn't combed or brushed. The
first time when I saw him he had his fade neatly
done and I believed nothing could look better on
him than that but now that it wasn't combes,
just shinny and cut neatly, preferably this one
did the trick.
I was still looking at him when he walked over
to the other door of the Wrangler and opened it,
he stood there for a while before he helped
someone step out, when I saw a girl who looked
a little younger than me step out I presumed
maybe it was a friend but uthe xa emlungisa her
bra which was showing from her crop top I
knew it had to be his girlfriend, I looked at them
clearly as they were walking towards us, hand in
hand and saw how they were matching the
colours. Sinalo looked at him and made a sound
before clicking her fingers, I averted my gaze
from him and looked at my friend...
Me: "Yintoni?"
Sinalo: "He looks fucken yummy"
I leaned closer to her and whispered
"I came three times chommie, so that says it
all."
She turned again wamjonga and knowing how
much of a bitch my friend I felt a little
uncomfortable, I don't mean to be rude but she
knew it naye, she wasn't to be trusted around
any man and it sums it all up, why she preferred
affairs rather than relationships. He stood next
to Andrew and I saw them talk, my look was on
his girl, she had a body for days, more like she
hit the gym every morning and evening. I had an
ass and curves myself but that tummy of hers
which looked like she once had female abs
under her skin showed how much she must
have love the gym. She was looking at Andrew
while I was looking at uMihle, I saw him narrow
his eyes at Drew before he looked around and
greeted other friends zika Andrew, he let go of
the girl's hand and greeted other, when he
reached the guys next to us I paid attention to
his every move. He took time greeting those
guys, I eavesdropped ad heard them about the
fields, Sinalo was saying something but I
brushed her off because I wanted to talk to this
man and the way sasibanintsi ngakhona apha, I
doubted I'd easily get another chance to.
When I saw him laugh and turn around, I
stepped forward and held his T-shirt from the
back, wajika and looked at me, he chuckled
before giving me esas'smile sakhe sihle...
Mihle: "B"
Me: "Hey"
He stepped close and took me in a hug, his
cologne thixo wam, at the age of 26 I didn't
think uba I'd still be going crazy about the way
someone smelt, yayizinto zaba high schoolers
ezo but here I was. He let go and turned to
Sinalo, wamjonga ethula and the look on his
face spoke volumes, I didn't like it and I knew I'd
have to ask Sinalo if ever umfunile angamvumi
because we couldn't share him, if I was his side
chick yayizoba ndim qha.
Mihle: "Molo sisi"
Sinalo: "Hello (pause) how are you?"
Mihle: "Ndiright unjani wena?"
Sinalo: "Ndiright nam."
He turned and looked at me before saying,
"Bianca?" And it sounded more like a question, I
knew he wanted introduction, so I spoke...
Me: "My friend of five years, igama lakhe is
Sinalo."
Mihle: "Sinalo from?"
Sinalo: "Emonti"
He nodded and just when he was about to
something Keagan walked up to us and greeted
Mihle, apparently they knew each other because
wawusivha from the way they spoke. I looked at
Sinalo and dragged her to the side, she hissed
when she tripped on her heel...
Me: "Sorry"
Sinalo: "Yintoni wangxama?"
Me: "What was that?"
Sinalo: "Intoni?"
I folded my hands over my chest and looked at
her, wahleka...
"Baby B jonga nana I know we used to ride the
same dick and all but that was three years back
and saphuma kulonto. Ubhuti is edible but I
won't, okay?"
Me: "Sinalo you need to beh..."
Sinalo: "Relax, nyani. And since when have you
caught feelings nangoku (pause) for lendoda?"
Me: "I haven't caught any feelings"
Sinalo: "Oh it's that coloured hormone of
demand that's taking over. Wakumosha
umamakho Pearl Thusi"
Me: "Futsek and by the way andim'demand qha
I wanted you to know"
Sinalo: "Kodwa nathi siyafuna ukhe sithi climax
kathathu kaloku chommie, yini umona friend"
Me: "Kry jou eie man, please toro."
She laughed, eqhwaba her hands before she
stood upright and pulled me by cheeks, she
placed a kiss on my lips before smiling and
saying...
"Kuzo zonke ezi fakers, you're the best."
Me: "Thanks bitch"
She was still smiling when she took a sip from
her Ice Tropez and we both turned out attention
to one of the guys who screamed, "Laat ons
gaan, some of us still need to goggle for the
best strip clubs."
Kwahlekwa sana and we headed for the car,
Mihle's girlfriend was walking with Mihle's
friend whom I saw when we were at the
gathering, where I met them, as we headed to
the cars he was still talking to Keagan, next to
Keagan's golf 6 maba, we were riding in
Andrew's Ranger. When I passed by them
wandijonga and we both exchanged smiles, I
shook my head as I opened the door of he car
ngoba like any other lady I felt like I had
competition. I mean look at it this way ladies, if
there's a guy ochazeke nguye and you find out
that his girlfriend is nothing compared to you
facially and structurally, you flaunt it, when you
walk pass him uyazivisa just so he can see
what he's missing out on kodwa ngoku I was
here competing with someone whom I hoped
had isishwapa but no, she was more like a
natural Nicki Minaj lomntana but more wider
than Nicki, more wider than I was and she
looked damn sexy ngoba waye ngabaxekanga,
they looked fine as hell on her.
Currently I was single and I know mna
nomngane wam sasingapholanga but
kulomfana I couldn't help it ngoba when we
were at the gathering, he showed interest kum,
mna I did't have to do much but open my mouth
and talk to him, when I arrived at that gathering
I wasn't even planning on walking out
ndincokole nendoda but it was some sort of
Christmas kum right at the beginning of the
year. We stepped into the car and waited for
Andrew, I was only with Sinalo and as always,
she demanded the front seat. When Andrew
stepped in and started the engine two cars were
off to the hotel already, leaving three cars
behind, the Ranger, Wrangler and Golf, we
finally followed behind the others to Strand
Tower Hotel, thanks to Drew and his crew,
ndandizoqala ulala kule hotel and since I was
from around Cape Town, I didn't do a lot of
booking ins.
We arrived at the hotel and found parking for
our cars, Papi and the other guy were already
here ke bona ngoba basishiya sime kulandawo.
We waited for each other and pulled out our
bags from the cars, we stood phaya sincokola
before Keagan came through since he found
iparking a little far from our cars. We stepped
through the entrance in so much, the guys were
the ones who were corruptive, behleka out loud,
it was understandable ke wethu because they
were more than us, females, we were just five
and they were nine, they needed one more guy
to double our number.
At the reception Andrew, Mihle and Mihle's
friend were talking to the lady who was helping
with checking our bookings which were done
online, we stood around sincokola, sipping on
other bottles of Ice Tropez, the girl who came
with Keagan was loud and crazy sana, I doubted
they were even a couple, most probably just
picking who smoke and drink together. After
something above five minutes sime phaya
Andrew turned around and called on us, earning
our attention before he spoke...
"We're fourteen guys mos, so what we got is a
total of five rooms, girls I was hoping y'all could
press in together if you guys don't mind, then
we as the gents will divide into the other four
rooms."
Me: "All of us as girls?"
Mihle's friend: "Miles and myself booked our
own roon apart from the five because we
brought our wives with."
I nodded while other were giggled and making
comments, I turned and looked at Mihle he had
his attention on his woman and they were
talking about something, she was holding his
waist right where the waist of any pants sat and
that part of his body I knew he had those V
waist things which showed someone worked
out. He kept on nodding and she was doing the
talking most of the time, I was about to move
my gaze away from them when the girl looked
up endijonga, you know la feeling xa umntu
ekujongile ebengathi they were talking about
you, that's how I felt ngoba after looking at me
she turned her gaze back to Mihle and he said
something to her wahleka, I found myself rolling
my eyes looking away because I was pretty sure
they were talking about.
We waited for the receptionist to finish up with
what she was doing, Mihle's friend has been
standing there talking to her, he called out on
Mihle, wajika and looked at him before he pulled
out his wallet from his jeans and opening it,
wakhupha a card and handed it to him then
went back to chatting to the girl who was so
attached on him. After Andrew was give our
lock access cards he stood there and checked
the numbers...
Andrew: "We got room 518 to 521 then there's a
524. Who wants which number?"
Sinalo extended her hand and pulled a card
without looking, it was room 520, Andrew
passed on the other, we all headed for the
elevator and my attention turned to Mihle when
Keagan asked which room number they had, his
girlfriend looked at the card and answered...
"Room 526."
Keagan nodded before he signaled something
to Mihle, bahleka. The first four stepped in the
elevator, we did the trip of fours until we were
all gathered at floor five, heading to our rooms. I
was looking forward to all this ngoba despite
the trouble I sensed coming, I could feel the
vibe already.

Aphindiwe

I was beyond content with the decision Mihle

took of booking us a separate room, I didn't
think I could stand being with these girls all by
myself, in fact they weren't even girls, they were
ladies, oosisi kum more like entanga zika
Sivuyisiwe and Nomthandazo. We were now in
our room, along with Keagan, I liked this guy ke
ngoba he seemed chilled and any guy who got
along with my man, I would obviously have the
interest in knowing, they were standing at the
balcony, behleka intsini and also smoking weed.
I had sick cravings for it but because I was on
medication for my injury I couldn't get in
contact nayo until I stopped using the meds.
I sat on the bed and got busy on my cell phone,
chatting to Sasa, everything I told her she
responded nge voice notes and I smiled oko
when I heard the excitement in her voice, it
made me miss her even more.
I was now laying on the bed, scrolling through
the channels zale hotel, it was a beautiful place,
their bedrooms and the hotel itself. Keagan
stepped into the room encumile, Mihle followed
them and they were talking in Afrikaans tsotsi
taal, I could barely hear uba bathini...
Keagan: "Askies baby girl nhe, I had to have that
moment with your man"
I smiled, assuring him that it was okay then
turned my gaze to Mihle, he looked high but not
in a bad way, he looked at me then back at
Keagan"
Mihle: Laaitie I'll see you later on"
Keagan: "We going out mos?"
Mihle: "Consult Drew and Bhuda, they'll tell you.
I wouldn't know brother when I got this woman
next to me I need nothing else."
Keagan looked at me encumile before he
nodded saying something in Afrikaans futhi
then Mihle laughed sitting down on the bed,
Keagan walked out and when I heard the door
close I knelt on the bed and encircled my hands
around my man's waist, I enhaled his cologne
as I placed my chin on his back, right above his
neck. He bent forward and removed his shoes,
ugqiba kwakhe he turned and looked at me...
"You're so high."
He responded to that however whispering his
response so I didn't hear him, I pardoned him
but when he whispered again, I moved closer to
him and he chuckled, I pulled back but stopped
when he touched my waist, he moved forward
and placed a wet kiss on my neck, then right
under my ear before he sucked my earlope
causing me to giggle, wathetha...
"I wanna do something to you."
Me: "What?"
Mihle: "I'm gonna eat you (pause) then fucken
make love to you."
I pulled back ndamjonga, ndikhamisile
obviously because that was so rude, he smirked
showing off that dimple which tempted me to
put my pinky on it every time, he then ran his
tongue on low lip and looked at me. The look he
gave me was titillating, it was that type of look
which gave you butterflies and that exciting
feeling between your legs, I was still looking at
him when he got him and held me by my waist, I
couldn't stop smiling, as a result my cheek
bones were hurting.
He laid me flat on the bed and unbuttoned my
black jeans and unzipped them, he was looking
at me this whole time and I couldn't help the
embarrasemt so I covered my eyes, I heard him
chuckled. He held both my pants and panties by
the waist and pulled them down, I helped kick
them off, when they were off he leaned forward
placing a kiss right on my belly button, he then
ran his wet tongue slowly down until he came to
the top of my castle wama...
"I'm gonna pick you up. Utsho xandikuthunuka."
I looked at him and before I could ask
uzondinyusa andisephi he held my arms
wandihlalisa ngempundu then held my waist
and picked me up, his fingers obviously dug into
my skin but I contained the pain, waye
endinyusa, ndandibambe amazinyo sana,
wandikhonxa sana lobhuti as if wayengayivha le
weight yam and by now my legs were on his
shoulders. I slightly held on his head when he
took a few steps and balanced me against the
wall, his arms were around my legs, holding me
in position, he then moved his head slightly
because I could some air ongenayo.
Wandinyusa even more higher, waqwanya
ogqiba kwakhe, I started to worry about him
dropping me but when he lowered me and I felt
his toungue make it's way in me I closed my
eyes and that little worry of falling faded
immediately.

As I was in that position, my whole pussy

opened up in his face, there was one thought
which kept crossing my mind, what if I squirted
on his face.
Mntaka somnci you couldn't blame, zange nda
muff(wa) oluhlobo.
112th Entry

Mihle

When I had Aphindiwe in my arms, her pussy on

my face, my only aim was just to please her, I
wanted her to cum eighteen times if she had to,
I haven't done anything to her yet until she begs
me to stop. She was holding my head but I
lifted her in further she moved her hands, since
I was holding her I could tell that she wasn't
relaxed, her muscles were tight on her legs but
when I lowered her and found my way in her
with my tongue I could feel her muscles letting
lose, that's what I wanted, she had to get used
to these things and angoyiki, I wouldn't drop her.
I kept on lifting her and shifting her so I tongue
fucked her kakhle, when she moaned I found
myself growing hard by minute, her moan was
fucken sexy and the more she did that, the
more I dug deeper with my tongue the wetter. I
walked over to the bed and sat down gently
with her still on my shoulders, ndangqengqa
and she sat comfortably with her knees on
either side of my face, she lifted her ass
ingafuni ukwehla so I held her waist and forced
her down waqina lomntana when I loosened my
grip on her she moved slowly and I knew even
with my eyes closed that she was moving away.
I stopped her by holding her waist again, she
whispered...
"Baby ndiyoyika."
I lifted my head and came half way with her
pussy, I ran my tongue on it, I heard she gasp
for air, I ran it again before I sucked her clit. She
held my head wasuka as quick as she could, her
breathing was out of place, she kept on
whispering my name so I ended up opening my
eyes and looking at her pussy. This is exactly
what I didn't want, right now I was extremely
horny by just looking at this shaved baby on my
face...
Me: "Hmmmm?"
Aphindiwe: "We need to stop, I'm gonna squirt
on you"
Me: "Hlala baby"
Aphindiwe: "Babe?"
Me: "Hlala"
Aphindiwe: "Where?"
Me: "On me"
I was squeezing her thighs and immediately
when I said on me she moved further away and
I couldn't handle it, I wasn't done with what I
was doing and wayelapha ruining my mood so
to have her return back to that position, I moved
my hand to her ass and pushed my middle
finger in her ass, she moaned and bend further,
opening her ass for me. I pushed my finger
deep in and she laid on my chest, moaning
every time my finger went in and out of her but I
stopped and listened to her chest which raising
up and down from her breathing. I still had my
middle finger in her ass but I stopped moving it,
I used my other hand and held her chin,
wandijonga, looking extremely turned on, she
immediately moved up finding my lips,
ndamphuza and when she pushed her tongue in
seductively I pushed my thumb deeper in her
and she pulled back from the kiss and softly
whispered a long
"Fuuuck."
I pulled it out and turned her over, I positioned
myself between her legs and leaned to kiss her,
I was holding her left leg as I kissed her, the
more I pushed my waist on her it was the more
she kept on digging her nails on me under my T-
shirt when I pulled back to unbuckled my pants
she held my T-shirt and pulled it over, taking it
off. I unbuckled my belt and when my zip was
open I moved from the bed and took of my
pants, she was looking at me, her eyes racing
on every part of my body, ndama ndamjonga,
this lady was fucken sexy. I placed my hand on
her tummy and played with her belly ring,
wancuma, she moved her hand and placed it on
mine, ndasibamba before looking at our hands
together the way they were, how they fit
perfectly together. I was still concentrating on
that when she moved her leg up and placed it
on my chest, I averted my gaze from our hands
to her foot then to her face, she was looking at
me with those small eyes of hers...
"What's wrong?"
Me: "Kukhona into endifuna ukuxelela yona."
When she was about to remove her leg from my
chest I held it and kept it there, she furrowed
her eyebrows wandijonga, worry clear in her
face, she stopped smiling and asked
Aphindiwe: "Yintoni?"
Me: "I have a place I need you to see"
Aphindiwe: "A place?"
Me: "Ndine ndawo Aphindiwe, a place you might
not love or ingatshintsha indlela ondijonga
ngayo."
She forcefully pulled her foot from my chest
and sat on her ass wandijonga
"Yintoni leyo Mihle?"
I swallowed hard and stared away, I was about
to step away when she jumped from the bed
wama in front of me and looked at me...
Aphindiwe: "Mihle thetha"
Me: "Baby not ngoku."
Aphindiwe: "What do you mean not ngoku? Why
would you raise something then undixelele uba
not ngoku? I need to know what you're talking
about."
I closed my eyes and held my lip in between my
teeth, this lady was driving me crazy with many
things ngoba I was opening up kuye in ways I
wasn't even ready for, I just didn't want to keep
anything a secret from her, nothing but there
were things I was doing which would drive her
away. I knew that me opening up to her meant I
trusted her, it meant I loved her but what scared
me was if I showed her the real me what would
her actions be, how would she look at me again.
I was still in my thoughts when she whispered...
"You're scaring me."
I opened my eyes and looked at her, she
stepped closer and looked at me with a
pleading look, she was literally begging me but I
had to show it to her, not tell her...
Me: "Don't be"
Aphindiwe: "Ngoba?"
I couldn't answer that so I just stared at her, I
only decided to answer her when she repeated
herself
"Ngoba andifuni woyike."
Aphindiwe: "What do you want to show me?"
Me: "You'll see it"
Aphindiwe: "Yintoni Mihle?"
Me: "Baby please, ndiyakucela toro (pause)
could we just enjoy this, the weekend then
Monday."
She looked at me, she stepped away from me
endijongile, I could tell from the way she was
looking at me that she won't let this go, when
she was about to talk I stepped closer to her
and held her on the waist, I picked her up, she
encircled her legs on my waist and her arms on
my neck wandijonga...
Me: "Masiyiyeke. I'll take you there but ndifuna
undithembise one thing."
Aphindiwe: "What is that?"
Me: "That you won't leave me"
Aphindiwe: "How deep is len...?"
Me: "Promise me Aphindiwe"
Aphindiwe: "Baby you scaring me."
Me: "Ndithembise Phindi"
She looked at me for a long time while she was
still in my arms then she whispered
"I promise."
Me: "Say it kakhle baby, don't be like I'm forcing
you"
Aphindiwe: "Ndiyakuthembisa"
I looked at her, it was even hard for me to smile
ngoba my heart was racing, I was thinking of
how fucked this whole situation was about to
become ngoba as I looked at her I remembered
how Nomthandazo acted when she found out
about the fields, that I was running a private
prostituting club. I was still in my thoughts
when she held my face and kissed me, I
returned it slowly and gently and when she
pulled back she placed another kiss on my nose
before saying
"Let's go bath."
Me: "If kuyaphunywa, uyafuna uhamba?"
Aphindiwe: "Uyafuna wena?"
Me: "As much as I don't want masihambe nabo
babe ngoba it's their trip, if sifuna such
moments, we should book on our own."
She nodded and I placed down on the floor, I
believed I was now turned off from the lento
iphantse yenzeka apha but when she turned
and walked off to the bathroom, I looked at her
ass and like my manhood wasn't sleeping not
long ago, it hardened again. Ndandingakwazi,
so I called her, wakroba from the bathroom...
Me: "Ndijonga"
Aphindiwe: "Huh?"
I pointed at Fhaku and she giggled endijonge
between my legs then looked up at me, she
couldn't stop blushing
Aphindiwe: "You big"
Me: "Zange undivhe?"
Aphindiwe: "I did and wandikrazula"
I raised my eyebrow and looked at her before
furrowing my eyebrows, she giggled again and
slowly walked out of the bathroom towards
me...
Aphindiwe: "But don't worry, it wasn't painful"
Me: "Andizokulimaza kengoku."
She shook her head and kissed my chest,
immediately when she pulled back I picked her
up again and walked towards the bed
ndimnyumbaza, she couldn't stop laughing and
I figured it was more like music to my ears, it
made me silently wish I'd never hear her cry
again.
I placed her on the bed and laid in between her
legs, before I kissed her I licked to fingers and
pushed them in her, she moaned and I found
her lips, ndamncamisa, our kiss was wet and
sexy, we used both tongue and lip, we were
going back and forth on that same pace and I
was finger fucking with that slow pace of our
kiss, she was getting wet and I knew it was
about time I used my machine gun but when
she started grinding on my finger I pulled back
from the kiss and looked at her, she had her
eyes closed immediately when my lips left hers
she bit on her bottom lip, I absentmindedly
licked mine and pulled out my fingers, I took her
left leg and placed it on my shoulder, she was
staring at me in between seductively narrowed
eyes, I leaned in holding my manhood, I rubbed
against her and found her hole. Before I could
even push in her nails were already digging on
my back, I pushed in and she gasped and dug
on one place on my back, I wasn't fully in ngoba
she was tight, exactly what I was expecting
from her. I moved back a little and comfortably
leaned in and found the whole way through in,
she moaned, her breathing matching mine, I
began stroking slowly and when I felt that she
was wet enough I went ahead to the pace which
best sorted me, she was mad ngoba she didn't
know whether to touch me, her head or the
sheets but I knew that she wouldn't stop calling
my name and fuck at the same time.
Still inside of her, I took her right leg, forgetting
about the injury she has had and placed it on
my shoulder too, when I leaned in she moaned,
holding my arms trying yo stop me, ndama and
looked at her, she had her lips tights together
as if holding a cry...
Me: "Baby"
Aphindiwe: "Mmmm"
Me: "Ndikuthunukile?"
She shook her head and opened her eyes
encumile, I had my eyebrows furrowed at her,
she took me out of my confusion when she said
"It's penetrating through to here."
Wabe ekhomba the part below her belly button,
I chuckled looking at her, that was crazy and I
failed to understand why women often said
that...
Me: "So ndiyeke?"
She shook her head again, closing her eyes
because I was beginning to stroke again, but
very slowly and gently. She crossed her legs on
my chest and allowed herself to feel the
pleasure, I held her feet and stroke, I decided to
tease her by just making a conversation naye
while I'm in her...
"Baby."
Wathula and I stroked harder and deeper
leaning forward until I almost had her knees
touch her shoulders, she cried out, holding the
side of the sheets, she called out my name
ndamphendula wathula and kept moaning
countless times as I stroked and pushed deeper,
I kept her legs there. When I went hard on her,
roughly she moved her hands from where they
were and held my arms trying to stop me but I
didn't stop, I continued and she was moaning
above her own voice, I'm pretty sure babemva
all the way to room 520. By now she was
extremely wet because the more I stroked, the
sound of her wet pussy filled the room if it
wasn't her moans, I was close to cuming myself
but I couldn't without having her from the back
so I pulled out and turned her, she made it easy
for me when she turned ngokwakhe and laid flat.
I got off the bed and pulled her to the edge, she
stuck out her ass for me, wasondela lomntana
until her pussy was against me and that on its
own was a turn on, I held her waist and pressed
it against the bed mattress, I then found my way
in her and she let out a sexy low moan, driving
me insane. She was on her tippy toes ngoku
and I was that much close to climaxing that I
took her left leg and placed it in the bed while
her right was still on the floor and I did what I
was good at, the deeper I went the more her
body shoke and the wetter she was getting by
second, I knew she had came already, multiple
times but I hadn't yet, she bit on the sheet on
moaned from it. I moved my gaze from her face
to her hands when her hands landed there and
she opened her butt cheeks, I believed she was
doing thia absentmindedly but I used it as an
opportunity and moved one hand from her
waist to her ass, I pushed my thumb in and she
let go of the sheet she has been biting all this
time and screamed...
"Oh gooosh fuck."
I on the other hand was groaning because I on
the edge, when I let it out I laid on her back, with
my thumb still in her anus, uFhaku still in her,
my breathing was fucked up one could swear I
was about to die. My chest, back and face were
dripping with sweat, her back was sweaty
ngoba I felt it when I laid on her. We stayed in
that position until our breathes were close to
normal, I extended my hand and took the white
T-shirt I was wearing, immediately when I pulled
out I placed it between her legs and kept still
until I could feel its vibration stop against my
hand, I wiped her clean and walked to the
bathroom to clean myself. I stood at the mirror
and looked at myself, the sweat which was on
my face and chest yayingathi I just had a
threesome, I opened cold tap water and rinsed
my face and mouth before heading back to the
room, she was laying on the bed, holding my
belt endlala ngalo. She turned and looked at me
before blushing eyona ndlela, I moved up to her
and placed a kiss on her tummy, ndanyuka and
went up to her boobs, I took one nipple in my
mouth and sucked on it, she started off by
giggling first but when she held my head to
direct me, I pulled back and laid next to her...
Me: "Awudinwa Phopho"
Aphindiwe: "What do you mean?"
Me: "By sucking on this beautiful nipple, sele
uready for uphinde uqalele"
Wahleka, hitting me on my chest and I just
chuckled. I relaxed back and closed my eyes,
she had her chin her on my chest endijongile, I
opened my eyes when she called my name...
"Huh?"
Aphindiwe: "I love you"
Me: "You know what Mambhele?"
Aphindiwe: "What?"
Me: "Uthandwa ndim Phopho"
She smiled and moved up, wandincamisa
before she laid her head on my chest and I
placed on hand on her back while the other was
under my head and we relaxed like that. I don't
know how long we laid in that position until we
heard a knock at the door, we both didn't move
until we heard Bulelani scream, "Phindi
wempinch wam"
She giggled and moved away from,
wandijonga...
Me: "Go ran amanzi in the shower ndizobahoya"
She nodded and left me putting on my pants
and zipping it as well as buttoning it, I walked
up to the door. When I opened it and in front of
me stood Bulelani who walked in, Bianca and
Keagan...
"Nifunani kwam?"
Bulelani laughed, as well as Keagan, Bianca
stood next to me looking at me, she was
actually staring at my tummy before she looked
up at me
Me: "Let's close the door, don't you think?"
Bianca: "Oh sorry"
She stepped aside and I closed the door and
walked inside, with her following behind me,
Keagan was busy pouring Castle Lite kwi glass,
Bianca found a seat on the chair next to the
working table while Bulelani was looking around,
he stared hard on top of the bed and laughed
Bulelani: "Kugqibonya isex apha!"
Aphindiwe shouted from the bathroom
"Hayi Bhuti'B!"
Bulelani: "Wenzani apho nah Phindi?!"
Aphindiwe: "Ndiyahlamba!"
Bulelani: "(chuckles) Inxaki unuka isex
mntanam!"
Aphindiwe: "(laughs) No!"
Bulelani: "Hlamba sisi. Hlamba!"
Me: "So, what's the plan?"
Keagan: "We here to fetch y'all, we drinking out."
Me: "Gee ons 30 minutes"
Bulelani: "Hayi unxilile, 30?"
Me: "Ndibalela ivrou kaloku Groot man"
He nodded and headed for the door, Keagan
was on a phone call as they walked out, ndaboa
uba uyashishiza uBianca akafuni uphuma, she
held the waist of my pants and came closer,
ndambambha and she looked at me...
"We'll talk but not apha."
Bianca: "Please make time for us"
Me: "I said we'll talk."
She nodded and stepped back, heading for the
door, Keagan was standing at the door
engancumanga marn, he shook his head
chuckling, I smiled back at him ngoba
ndandiyazi why he had that smirk on his face.
When they stepped out I retreated to the
bathroom and found Aphindiwe half way with
showering, she turned around when she heard
me step in...
Aphindiwe: "Who was with uBhuti'b?"
Me: "Keagan noBianca"
She stopped playing with the water and finally
looked up at me
"Bianca?"
Me: "Ya"
Aphindiwe: "Is she the one who looks
coloured?"
Me: "Ewe"
Aphindiwe: "You guys seem close, I see from
the way akujonga ngakhona."
I tilted my head to the side and looked at this
lady, she wasn't going to let this go ngoba na
the last time she seemed uncertain about my
response, I was about to talk when she said
"Phofu ayindifuni."
Me: "Don't ke babe, ndiyakucela"
She shrugged her shoulders before turning
around, letting the water run down her back. It
was funny how ladies thought sometimes
because I knew she'd go searching deep on that
just to find closure but I'd let her, so we can find
a way to clear it out.
After we bathed we dressed up, I watched her
do her make-up and honestly if it was up to me I
would tell her not to put on all these stuff, she
looked fine without it too. I noticed she only did
her eyebrows, wafaka mascara and lips,
obviously with some powder. You might be
wondering where I knew all these from, I had
girls who were lovers of such things, mark the
word had. She was dressed in navy tight jeans,
a loose maroon lace crop top and those pump
shoes with laces that end up about the ankle,
they matched the colour of the top, she looked
beautiful. When we headed downstairs safika
eziway sele zidikwe klaar ngoba we were the
only ones left, they were waiting at the dining
hall for us besitya, being the meat lover that I
am I dished up a plate full of stinky wings and
ribs then sat down joining the others, ubaby
poured us idrinks and we sat there sidibanise
itafile, chatting. Aphindiwe was next to me and I
didn't want her next to any of these guys, these
motherfuckers were hungry as fuck.
Right after we ate we stepped out and decided
who was climbing on which car, people spoke
about changing imoto when we were still inside
so we'd get a chance to socialize amongst each
other, many of us didn't have a problem with
that but I knew my babe did, well I wasn't
worried about these niggurs checking he out,
babengazolunga and they knew I had a quick to
any sort of bullshit so they always thought
twice before fucking my way.
Outside people just chose cars and I chose eka
Bulelani ngoba him and Keagan were the only
niggurs I tolerated apha, then kulendele
uAndrew who has been misbehaving lately,
ubaby was in with Keagan and the other girls
and I relaxed because she seemed comfortable,
all she did was roll down the window and blew
me a kiss, ndancuma. I turned and looked at
Bulelani who was talking to Drew about
something, when Keagan was about to drive off
Bianca stopped him, watsiba and ran towards
the Wrangler, she stepped inside and I turned
and looked at her my eyebrows furrowed when I
turned to look at Keagan's ride, Aphindiwe had
her window up already, I clinched my jaws
ndinyusa eyam.

Bianca had to understand that such little things

threw suspicions and not long ago Aphindiwe
didn't buy my attention. Wayezondifaka
ekunyeni lomntana.
113th Entry

Aphindiwe

When we stepped out, heading to whatever club

they were planning to go to, saqala ngotya
kuqala and since I was seated between Mihle
and Keagan I spoke my way through with
Keagan, he was quite an interesting person and
he seemed keen to know me, in a friendly way
of course and seeing that he seemed close to
Mihle, I knew he wouldn't make a move on me.
Right after we ate and stepped out of the hotel
and stood at the parking, back at the table I
promised Keagan that I'd ride with him this time
around so I walked over to his car and stood
next to it, along with the Lolly chick who was
bloody loud, she's the girl who was with Andrew
and them back at the residence the other day.
We were heading to some nightclub yalapha
which I didn't know the name off, I guess I'd see
it xa ndifika phaya. I was at the passenger seat
looking at my baby who was still standing with
Bulelani bejulelani isitsinxo, I presumed Bulelani
didn't want to drive but kwale yam indoda
yayisonqena, he looked at me and smiled while
walking to the passenger door, I turned on the
seat and looked at Bianca nechommie yakhe
bengena emotweni, they were talking about
Bianca wanting to ride elsewhere so
andabahoya, ndandingangeni ndawo kule nto
yabo. I averted my gaze to Mihle and I saw uba
he was looking at Bianca's friend ngoba she
was still standing at the door, bent over talking
to her friend. Mihle then shifted his gaze and
looked at me, I was staring at him wancuma, I
somehow managed to smile at him even
though at the back of my mind I was bothered
with how he was looking at this girl and
ndandiyazi uba he wasn't looking at her but was
looking at Bianca through this lady. Something
bothered me and ndandizombuza ngayo but not
now, I was already scared with what he said
he'd show me Monday so not until I saw that
and got over it, other problems had to wait.
With my window rolled down already, I blew him
a kiss, wancuma before he turned looking at
Bulelani, Keagan stepped into the car and
started the engine, I turned and looked at these
girls who still had the door open, the other
stepped aside waphuma uBianca and hurried to
the Wrangler, I furrowed my eyebrows and
looked at her before looking at Mihle, he had his
eyebrows raised at her before she stepped into
the car and closing the door, wajika and looked
at her and right then my instincts told me that
there was more to this than what I thought. I
was trying not to let this get to me so I rolled up
my window and looked at Keagan, he was
talking to the friend whose name I still didn't
know yet, after they were done, Keagan turned
on his seat and accelerated the car.
We drove off to the club, we were the second
car and I realized ufika kwethu phaya that it
wasn't far from the hotel. When Keagan found a
parking, I opened the sun visor mirror and
checked my make-up, more especially my
lipstick, seeing that everything was still how it
was when I left the hotel room I stepped out of
the car, dressed in my navy tight jumpsuit and
the pair of laced black pumps which Sivuyisiwe
bought for me since I had problems with my leg.
I felt simple yet beautifully dressed, by luck I
even dressed for the weather ngoba it was mild
and it worked well with our outfits,
kwakungekho mntu who was dressed warmly
apha except for Bulelani's girlfriend who
seemed to be carrying ijacket, well I couldn't
blame her, she was older than what we were so
it was acceptable for the way she dressed. I had
my black Truworths handbag in my hand and
before I could walk around the car I felt
someone's arms encircle my waist and pick me
up, this person swung me around and placed
me back on the ground, because of the cologne
I already knew who it was, I looked up at him
with my lips pouted, he held my face and stared
back before he spoke...
"Awuzogodola?"
Me: "No"
He leaned in and placed a baby kiss on my lips
before he held my hand and walked with me
towards the entrance, abanye were already
there bencokola and making a noise, we arrived
and joined the circle, my stare went straight to
Bianca, she was standing with Andrew
bencokola and by the way their faces looked,
it's either they got along or the conversation
was good. We stepped inside after being
searched and paying a fee of R40 each person,
my hand was still in Mihle's until we found a
table, we sat at the table against the wall with
the L shaped couch but still asonela so others
took chairs. Andrew and Papi stood up asking
each of us uba sifuna usela ntoni, Ice Tropez
was our decision and the dudes wanted Castle
Lite, they also wanted to call the shots nge
Ciroc, Absolut and a bottle of Hennessey. While
waiting for Papi and Bhuti'b to get our drinks we
sat around at the table sincokola, we were
laughing at what Andrew had just said about a
girl texting him demanding attention ngoku
yena akhangela impundu...
Andrew: "And you know what's going to be fair?"
Some of us asked uba yintoni, lendigqiba eli
coloured by saying
"Everybody's cellphone should be placed at the
centre of the table, we're here to get kak dronk
and not chat on WhatsApp."
Mihle: "We don't often agree with each other but
nou djy praat some sense."
Andrew nodded and we were all looking at him,
I was about to ask uMihle why he agreed when
Bianca spoke, saying
"Some of us want to talk nabantu bethu njena."
Mihle: "Ngubani umntu wakho?"
She turned her gaze the same time as I did and
we both looked at him, why the fuck was he
even asking her that...
Keagan: "(chuckles) Mihle boy, don't brother."
Mihle: "Last time I checked she was single my
man, so I'm confused"
Bianca: "Mxm, Andrew please go check our
drinks"
Mihle chuckled emjongile, she turned her gaze
from Andrew back to Mihle then to her friend
Mihle: "B."
Wathula so he repeated himself, three times
until she turned and looked at him, he stared at
her futhi and I tried so hard not to continuously
pass my gaze between them
"I'm sorry."
She looked at him then at me before pretending
to be taking a smile, she then carried on talking
to her friend and I continued typing on my
phone, texting my girls telling them
ndiyabakhumbula, more especially uLuthando.
Our drinks arrived sele sincamile ke shame, we
even had two other guys go to the meat part of
this nightclub and buy us wings which were still
being braaied nangoku. We drank kumnand and
I was steady at this shit because my aim wasn't
to get drunk kaloku I was kak xa ndinxilile so
didn't want that apha more especially with
Mihle by my side, I didn't want to embarrass
him. Lolly and Bianca were at the dance floor
while ichommie ka Bianca whose name I knew
by now was flirting with Andrew, I observed
clearly at many things here and I noticed how
Papi was forcing himself ku Sinalo and maybe
she was rejecting him because he was both
high and drunk, she then threw herself at Drew
and Drew being Drew and soft wamyeka.
Bianca was all flirtatious with Keagan but he
seemed like he was distracted by many things
ngobs wayemshiya oko ahlale noMihle, which
was odd ngoba indlela lebabe close ngayo
made them seem gay, it even made them forget
ngathi sana. Keagan got up from the seat next
to Mihle and walked over to the dance floor,
where we were seated the two dance floors
were clear and in great view and the second
dance floor wasn't as full as the first, he went
over to the second dance floor to join Bianca
and Lolly, I moved closer to my man and he was
busy on his cell phone, he looked up at me
when I laid on his arm...
Mihle: "Uyagodola?"
Me: "No babe but I think I'll need the bathroom
soon"
Mihle: "Uzotsho xa ufuna uya ke babe"
Me: "Baphi abanye?"
I asked that because despite the three at the
dance floor, we were just four at the table
whereas there was fourteen of us...
Mihle: "Out to smoke weed. uBulelani noLumka
are probably out somewhere bakhangela indayo
yotyana"
Me: "What?"
He turned and looked at me, wahleka out loud
before getting back to his normal self, I was still
confused because he seemed serious when he
said that...
Mihle: "Ndiy'joker Mambhele wam.You
should've seen ubuso bakho, fuck is that how
you look xa utipsy?"
Me: "How do you know I'm tipsy?"
Mihle: "Ndiyayibona"
I brought him closer and whispered "baby?"
Mihle: "Phopho?"
Me: "My baby hurts"
Mihle: "Omphi...
I was about to answer him when he brought his
hand in between my thighs and touched her,
whispering
Mihle: "Lona?"
I slowly nodded and he chuckled, pulling back
from my hold, wandijonga with his eyes
narrowed, I knew what he thought so I
decreased his worry by explaining what I meant
Me: "Not in a bad way but iyavakala uba ikhwe
yangenwa yinto after a very long time."
Mihle: "(smiles) Kuthwa for uba ingadumbi,
yiphinde"
I smacked his shoulder causing him to erase
that smirk he had on his face, right now he had
a smile. Well I told him that because
wayevakala ubaby wam uba she was busy not
long ago, it was swollen and some women
believed that it indicated good sex, well
whatever the case yayithunukwa yipanty every
time I shifted.
He took me out of my thoughts when he placed
a kiss on my forehead and I smiled gazing
around the club, seeing all types of people there
were tobight; those who looked shy and
uncomfortable as though they were forced to
even be here, those who looked like they were
born here, nabo who looked unsure, they want
to dance but their faces read 'bored'. I looked at
the dance floor and saw Bianca, usisi had an
ass ke, curves and a waist of approximately
size 34, wayemile kakuhle. She was dancing,
moving her waist and the way she did that I bet
it was easy for any guy to catch the hints that
she rode a dick and hard ngoba she wasn't just
moving her waist but she looked like she was
grinding while still looking at her I got disturbed
by the people who suddenly arrived at the table
making inoise, they were from smoking weed
but since you know my situation
ndandingazokwazi uyitshaya mna. Papi poured
shots for everybody from iCiroc and when he
arrived kum I refused to take it but they insisted,
even though I tried telling them that I was on
medication for my leg, which was a lame
excuse anyway, they pushed so I took the shot
atn poured it in Mihle's paper cup...
Me: "I'll drink with him"
Papi: "You know I won't rest until I see you sip
three or four times from that cup."
I smiled and nodded knowing that I wouldn't do
any of that, I was alright yile Ice Tropez, it was
better not to drink anything else, if I had to drink
a shot then it would be dashed. Right after
Sinalo got her shot she threw her hands in the
air and got up, dancing to Dance Again ka Black
Coffee, both her and Bianca were over tipsy but
they weren't that drunk yet. Bianca was
standing when she got hers, immediately after
throwing it down her throat she took a few
steps away from the table and started dancing,
she started off by moving her waist wakhonya
sana uPapi causing everybody to look at Bianca,
well I understood why he did that, the past few
hours I've learnt that he liked her. I studied his
face and he looked at her and licked his lips,
from the corner of my eye I realized that Mihle
was staring at him too befor he turned his eyes
to Bianca, they stayed there for a while and I
found myself shaking from the stare he was
giving her and I knew if he'd do anything else
apart from that I'd probably breakdown. He
chuckled, shaking his head before he turned his
gaze to Keagan but Keagan was looking at her
as well, she was now facing the dance floor
looking at her friend so after some time of
earning stares not only from us but other
people too, she turned around and faced the
table, she moved towards the table and leaned
on it, staring straight at Mihle, he was laughing
at something noKeagan and it seemed to annoy
Papi laway because uKeagan kept on smacking
his shoulder and he was staring hard at my man
who seemed chilled. Still confused ndinjalo
Bianca called Mihle's name while she was
opening another bottle of Ice Tropez, he raised
his eyebrows at her indicating uba makathethe...
"Ndicela undikhaphe to the bathroom."
Mihle: "Ndikukhaphe?"
Andrew turned his attention of this lady who
took not only me by surprise but a couple of us
Andrew: "(chuckles) Why don't you ask one of
the ladies?"
Bianca: "Drew I'm not talking to you (pause)
Mihle?"
Mihle: "What?"
Papi: "The security here is tight anyway so djy
sal nie met hom inside gaan nie. So find
another place for him to stick his fucken finger
in you."
Now it was my time to raise my eyebrows,
Bhuti'B snapped his head up immediately and
looked at Papi, kwathula on the table. I slowly
turned my head to look at the man sitting
besides me, he had his eyes narrowed at Papi
before he chuckled...
Mihle: "So yeyiphi le point uzama uyiprove
apha?"
Papi: "Unesazela boy?"
Mihle: "Andiyo boy yakho"
Andrew: "Papi nee man, we spoke about this!"
Papi: "Fuck speaking. Guilt's fucking this
coward up!"
Mihle got up immediately after Papi said that, I
found myself holding his arm but he kept his
stare at Papi, even though I wanted to hear
more of it, ndandingafuni mlo. Andrew was also
holding Papi who had the first empty bottle of
Ciroc in his hand, my worry exactly, he'd crack it
on Mihle's head any chance he gets. For a
moment I thought Mihle would sit down ngoba
he kept quiet for a long while looking at Papi
but when he spoke I didn't know whether to
stand up and beg him or to storm out...
Mihle: "Andiyongquza mna uyevha, I don't need
my way paved to get pussy."
As hesitant as I was, when Papi lifted the hand
with the bottle ready to attack, ndaphakama, I
don't know uba ndandizokwenzani but I stood
up anyway and grabbed hold of Mihle's arm, he
didn't flinch a muscle nor did he look at the
bottle but he kept his gaze on Papi's eyes. Papi
went mad when Andrew held the hand with the
bottle yelling at him in Afrikaans, I looked at my
man and I'm sorry to brag but naxa enyanyile
umntu wam, he looked fucken sexy...
Me: "Baby ndiyakucela toro don't."
He chuckled and chewed on his lower lip before
he turned and looked at me, his facial
expression seemed to change and the anger
faded a little, I shook my head and he faked a
smile before placing his lips on my forehead, he
pulled back and muttered "I won't."
We sat down simultaneously and I turned on my
butt an looked at him, he relaxed back on the
couch and closed his eyes but opened them
within a second when he heard Papi's voice, the
guy was throwing tantrums ndikuxelele, abanye
abantu were looking at us and when he
smashed the bottle against the white wooden
table we heard some screams, Drew held him
by the collar and brought him close, whispering
something in his ear but the dude's outburst
was enormous sana...
Papi: "Fuck that Andrew, fuck it man. Ek gee nie
om nie about your fucken business, I'm not
going to have lekaka (points at Mihle) fuck up
my plans."
Bulelani: "Heyi! Heyi! Jonga apha, uhamba nathi
kaloku so ungazophambana apha. If zizinto
oqhela uzenza ezi xa uqhunyiwe uhamba
nentanga zakho then ungakhe ulinge uzozenza
apha."
He looked at Bhuti'B for a long time, la look
which made ootata basezilalini go mad, ngoba
yayidela nyani, he finally turned to Andrew who
was talking to him and when he seemed to have
collectes himself but his chest still raising up
and down, umenzi wayoyonke lento finally
spoke...
Bianca: "Papi what's the fuss for?"
Andrew: "B please"
Bianca: "No Drew, I made it clear to the guy that
andimfuni so why esilwa kengoku?"
Papi: "Ungathethi ikaka wena Bianca."
Bianca: "No Bhuti andithethi kaka, I just want to
know kutheni undilwela? I don't need that,
undigqibela inice time!"
I don't know what happened kanjani but I know
uba I suddenly saw Mihle grab hold of Papi's
collar from the bank, Bianca holding her head
like it was painful and Bhuti'B up on his feet.
Mihle stepped aside from the table and shove
Papi to the side, haike the dude went back to
square one, asking Mihle who the fuck is he to
be holding him in that way...
Mihle: "Fuck off! Awuzohamba ubetha
amantombazana aph! Jonga Papi
awunamntana apha. Fuck marn!"
Drew was now dragging Papi outside being
helped by Keagan and another guy, thixo wam,
people knew how to ruin good nights. Bianca
still had her hand on her head while Lolly and
Sinalo were talking to her, Bulelani kept on
cursing under his breath while his girlfriend was
just quiet sana, ezifanela nam lona.
When Mihle retreated to his seat futhi he firstly
spoke with Bhuti'B and he was busy brushing
my hand while talking to him, through their
conversation I heard "Ngoku ndandimtyile" and I
pulled my hand away from his touch and looked
at him...
Me: "You did what naye?"
Mihle: "That was before we were together babe.
Before I took le decision."
I looked at him, a part of me didn't believe his
ass but I decided not to fuss about it kodwa this
wasn't the end of this conversation.

I wanted to know if it was nothing like he was

saying to Bulelani then why in hell did I hear the
two of them whisper back in the hotel room, if
there was really nothing to hide.
114th Entry

Andrew

I understood Papi's fuss but what disappointed

me was because I didn't know him as the kind
of man who'd go mad over a pussy he couldn't
get but here he was now fuming, maybe this
was beyond what I knew off. I was now
standing outside with him and he was crazy,
talking about guns and how he'd use his to blow
Mile's head off for making him look like a
fucken pussy...
Me: "Bra you need to relax"
Papi: "(chuckles) Relax? You fucken telling me
to relax after I had that motherfucker have
these bitches look down on me?"
I kept quiet because even though I knew Miles
was known for making feel belittle, I never knew
uba he'd have my man feel this way, he was the
hardcore ghetto type not this man who was
breaking in front of me.
Papi: "Did you hear how that bitch spoke to me?
Het djy gehoor? Daardie laaitie kak op my, hy
shit op my!"
Me: "And you're allowing him because as djy so
kak mal is, dan mask djy hom happy."
He paced up and down before he squatted
before me and tried calming his nerves, that's
what I needed him to do long time before I even
had no choice but to drag him outside because
right now Miles was probably seated back
inside, feeling like a king because he was
aggressive and he always wanted such
outcomes for either his words or actions. I
sighed before I bent forward and patted Papi's
back, Keagan had headed back inside right
when he realized that this guy wouldn't calm
down any time soon...
Me: "I'll leave you to it."
He nodded and I walked back inside and I
wouldn't say I was agitated by this whole thing,
it had nothing to do with me so I had no reason
to be worked up. I headed to the table and from
a distance I saw Skatiebal moving her hands
away from Mihle's and he tilted his head and
looked at her for a long while, I averted my gaze
back to the girls who were now hanging on
Keagan before I sat down and pulled a Castle
Little 550Ml from the Castle bucket. Just when I
was beginning to relax Bulelani asked...
"Where's Papi boy?"
Me: "Taking a breather outside"
He nodded before sipping on his bottle and
saying, "He needs it."
I immediately turned my attention to Aphindiwe
who suddenly screamed
"Andifuni!"
And I believe when everybody on the table
turned their attention to her, I wasn't the only
who heard her, she looked mad and it was
fucken attractive on her because she kept on
closing those small eyes off hers before letting
out a deep sigh. Mihle stood up and grabbed
hold of her hand, I furrowed my eyebrows when
she hissed he was hurting her but when he
realized that he let go of her and leaned in
forward meeting her face half way, he
whispered something to her before pulling back,
she looked at him for a long time before letting
out a huge, loud "mxxxm" I suppressed the urge
to laugh but it was just because I didn't expect
her to say that...
Bulelani: "Phindi (pause) Phindi"
She turned and looked at him, her arm folded
over her chest
Bulelani: "Ndicela ushukume uyothetha
noFhaku, andikwazi unje"
Aphindiwe: "Bhuti uMihl..."
She was raising her voice with each word and it
got me wondering what the fuck did this
asshole when we were outside because when
Papi and I walked out, they seemed okay...
Bulelani: "Ndiyakucela Nana"
Miles was looking at her this whole time,
waiting for her to reach but when she sighed
and stood up, it was then Miles spoke
"In fact siya ehotel. I need to get some things
straight kuye"
Aphindiwe: "Andiyi apho mna."
Mihle: "Uyaya and if caba ufuna ubalapha
kobububhanxa bendawo then I'll bring you
back."
She looked at him for a long time before she
took a step forward, Miles averted his gaze
from her and loomked at Keagan...
Mihle: "My laaities, lend me your car. Ek sal
jikela"
Keagan searched his pockets and pulled out his
car keys then threw them at him, he got them
and nodded at Bulelani before he looked at me
and I nodded too, then they walked out, her in
front of him with her handbag hanging from her
arm and her arms still folded over her chest.
I looked at Bulelani as he shook his head...
Bulelani: "My boy is an ass, even when he's full
met n meisie he still plays these little games of
his."
Me: "Hy's full met haa' ?"
Bulelani: "Jump case."
Me: "Ek dink nie so nie"
Bulelani raised an eyebrow at me before he
leaned on the table and ran this index finger on
the bottle mouth, he looked at me for a while
before he leaned back at the couch and spoke...
"You're just his business partner and hy's my
laaitie. I know him better."
Me: "Even if he's awe met haa', hell use her
anyway"
Bulelani: "Djy praat kak."
Me: "(chuckles) He doesn't know how to treat a
woman, especially one of her kind."
Bulelani: "Djy praat lyk djy ken haar."
Me: "I've had a chat with her (pause) she
deserves better."
Bulelani: "And what is better? You?"
It was now my turn to raise a brow at him, he
was really getting under my skin where he
wasn't supposed to be and it was fucken
irritating so instead of answering him I turned
and looked at the dance with my bottle on my
lips, I only turned back to him when I heard him
speak...
Bulelani: "Fuck with her okay (pause) and you'll
dig your own grave."
Me: "I won't (pause) but you should alert djou
laaitie with the way he treats her because with
that soft spot she got for me, she'll end up on
my doorstep."
He chuckled and laid back on the couch looking
at me hard, well I loved this guy because he was
calm and collected, even though I knew he
meant every word he said and was most
probably fuming with anger in the inside but on
the outside he looked chilled, he had a smile on
his face and this was the kind of people whom I
liked, people who made it hard for you to get
through, people who gave you a challenge
unlike people like Miles who killed within a short
period of time only because they feared long
term challenges. I mirrored his face and smiled
before turning my head and looked at Papi who
walked in looking okay then the condition I left
him in, immediately when he sat at the table he
pulled out the banky he had in his pocket and
prepared to roll a fuck ass joint, now this was
the Papi I knew, the guy who'd kill someone for
his weed but pussy.

Aphindiwe

Uyabona ke wena mntaka somnci I'm a chilled

person umthetho yam, andiyithandi into ezobe
inomsindo and all that type of negative shit but
from the patience I have, once shit gets to me
then it gets to me.
I was planning on letting yonke lento rest for
now ngoba I hate being the center of stupid
attention but when uMihle turned his eyes and
looked at Bianca who was at the dance floor I
lost it because waye'hamba sisi ngamehlo,
from head to toe and when she turned and
looked at him wamjonga and winked at her
wancuma usisi that's when I lost it, babengandi
hloniphanga mos ababantu. Not that I expected
the girl to respect me anyway but ubhutiza lona,
ndandingazokwazi so I spoke...
"Ungajoli naye nje?"
He turned and looked at me before saying
"Hmmm."
Me: "uBianca lona wakho caba uzomlwela,
ungajoli naye nje xa caba you can't get your
eyes off her."
Mihle: "Phindi you're not going to fuck up this
night ngalonto."
Me: "Fuck it up? Are you okay? Are you fucken
okay?"
I was pointing my head as I asked that because
if there was anyone who ruined the night apha it
was him not me. He tried touching me and I
flinched, pulling my hand back...
"Don't you dare! Ungandibambi."
Mihle: "Aphindiwe"
I kept quiet and looked at him, he narrowed his
eyes at me for a long while and as I was staring
at him the more I had flashbacks of ezi hours
ndilapha with him and that fucken Bianca girl, I
chuckled and shook my head and he tried
touching me again, ndabhekela...
Mihle: "Ndicela siyothetha phandle"
Me: "Andifuni."
Mihle: "Ndicela siyothetha phandle Aphindiwe."
Me: "Andifuni!"
He kept quiet and looked at me, I realized uba
many people were back at the table kengoku
but I didn't give a shit I just didn't want to go, I
didn't want to talk about it ngoba I was already
mad and talking about it might even get me to
tears so ndandingafuni. He stood up and pulled
me ngengalo, he wasn't rough but I decided to
become and hiss knowing he couldn't stand
hurting me nangoku he let go of my hand
looked at me before he leaned in and whispered
in a husky voice...
"I better not step outside ungekho phaya."
The threat in his tone didn't scare me at all, I
couldn't care less if he'd burn down this
nightclub. When he pulled back I looked aside
and let out that mxxxm sound which was an
indication of any irritation, with my hands folded
over my chest, I was hoping head sit down and
let this go but when Bhuti'B begged me to go
with him and hear him out I had no other option,
I gave in but felt like I shouldn't have agreed
when he spoke about heading to the hotel...
Me: "Andiyi apho mna"
Mihle: "Uyaya and if caba ufuna ubalapha
kobububhanxa bendawo then I'll bring you
back."
I looked at him and for a moment that cut deep,
I was hoping he'd back but for now ndandisele
ndiyazi uba he wasn't patient with these type of
things and I knew by now that even if he was
wrong, once you're mad he'd get mad too.
Before Bhuti'B increased my nerves by begging
me once again I got up and grabbed my
handbag before I headed for the door, I was in
so much of a hurry that I put pressure on my leg
but I couldn't give a fuck ngoku, I was just angry.
Immediately when he stepped out and unlocked
Keagan's car I steppes and shut the door
roughly, andiyazi uba imoto yomntu yayenzeni
but I couldn't contain it. He stepped inside and
started the engine without saying a word to me,
our ride was silent and I appreciated it ngoba
him talking was just another thing I couldn't
handle, I needed to think and think hard on how
I was going to take yonke lento wayezondixelela
yona ngoba there was one thing I hated about
myself and that was how much I cried every
time I'm angry. From the parking lot to the
entrance of the hotel sasishiyana and I was the
one okhokheleyo even though I knew
ndizomlinda when we get to elevator which I did,
he kept on glancing at me and I was working
hard on my emotions because I didn't want to
cry, not now.
Immediately when we stepped inside our room
he headed to bathroom and took a loo,
waphuma after washing his hands and found
me pacing up and down the room, just when he
stepped out of the restroom he leaned on the
wall and looked at me, with his hands in his
pocket, he stood there for a while and his stare
caused me to stop moving and look back at him.
When he began to speak, he moved from
against the wall...
"Yazi (pause) there's one thing endingafuni
uyenza and that's to hurt you."
Me: "Then why do you keep doing it?
Mihle: "Akhonto endiyenzayo noBianca"
Me: "Why do you keep doing it?!"
Mihle: "Khandicinge you'd take offense from
that"
I laughed and finally moved fron where I was
standing, I found myself thrwoing my hands in
the air because I didn't know what to do with
them
Me: "You didn't think I'd take offense? You were
willing to take a smashed bottle of Ciroc for her,
ogqiba uthi you didn't think I was going to take
offense, like are you for real?!"
Mihle: "I wasn't taking that for her."
Me: 'Could you stop lying. Ndiyakucela."
Mihle: "Andixoki. You misunderstood that whole
thing, in fact you heard what you wanted to
hear."
I raised my eyebrows and waited for him to
explain since I was the stupid and deaf one
kaloku
"My only problem with what that bastard said
was how he was indirectly telling you uba I
fucked Bianca and which is why ebendibuza
uba ndityiwa sisazela nah, that's the only thing
which got me freaked out."
Me: "Then why when uBianca spoke about
having a boyfriend you had to question that?"
Mihle: "I was just making conversation."
He walked towards me but stopped when he
saw me step back, the only reason I did that
was because I knew if he touched me I'd soften
up and I needed some answers...
Me: "Do you even love me Mihle?"
"What?"
Concern was evidently clear on his face and his
mouth hung open a little, looking at me...
Me: "Uyandithanda?"
Mihle: "Undibuza njani lonto? Of course I do"
Me: "Then why do you keep hurting me? Why do
you keep doing ezizinto? Battles with
Nomthandazo were hard enough now with
Bianca, why can't we just be happy kakuhle like
any other couple."
Mihle: "Phindi you're comparing things that
aren't on the same line apha,"
I kept quiet and looked at him for a long time, a
lot of things were coming back, the countless
times he kept quiet when Nomthandazo went
out at me, that day he indirectly said I was
cheap by hinting him uba I was available, that
time when he told me I must search for
someone my age, when he said to Andrew
angandithatha and with every little memory I
had, my breaking point was more at the edge.
He furrowed his eyebrows still looking at me
and I whispered to him...
"Could you honestly tell me uba ubethetha
ngantoni when you were talking to her?"
Mihle: "Nini?"
Me: "When I was at the shower (chuckles) I
turned off the shower and heard y'all but I guess
you were too concentrated on her khange uve
kwalonto"
Mihle: "She was me to make time for us."
Me: "(chuckles) and what did you say?"
He looked at me and swallowed, my heart was
beating heard against my chest ngoba I feared
his answer but I wanted to know anyway...
"I said we'll talk."
Me: "Talk?"
Mihle: "Ewe"
Me: "And I guess my presence ruined lo chance
yothetha naye"
Mihle: "Aphindiw..."
Me: "Did you even treat uNomthandazo kanje?"
Waqhala amehlo and looked at me,
akaphendula and that was the answer to my
question, andizoxoka it hurt badly but even with
this lump which suddenly grew in my throat I
wasn't going to let this weekend get ruined
kwanamhlanje, Sunday was still far from now. I
walked toward the bathroom and that meant
passing by kuye, I flinched when he tried
touching my arm and he turned nam
wandilandela...
Me: "I want to go back to the club"
Mihle: "Phindi ndicela wohlise umsindo"
Me: "Could you take me back to the club please
Mihle, that's the least you can do for me."
Mihle: "Can we talk kuqala?"
Me: "There's nothing more to talk about! I have
nothing to ask you"
"Aphindi..."
"Ndicela undise eclubin!"
He stood by the door and looked at me, I had
forgotten uba ndandiyokwenzani kwakulo
bathroom so I stepped out, bumping him on the
way, I took my handbag from the bed and
waited for him to move but all he did was just
turn around and face me, he had his hands in
his pockets again and the look in his eyes was
sort of begging me not to but I just didn't want
to forgive him so early, I didn't want ngoba he
was already taking advantage of me kwa early
kanje. When he stood there and looked at me
not saying a word I headed for the door but he
caught my arm on the way...
Mihle: "Uyaphi?"
Me: "To the club"
Mihle: "On what?"
Me: "I'll catch a cab"
Mihle: "Don't let your anger drive you crazy,
awuyazi lendawo"
Me: "It's better to be out there alone then here
with a guy who isn't sure if he loves me!"
Mihle: "Aphindiwe khayeke uchuku"
I walked towards the bed and placed my
handbag on top of it once again, right now the
lump on my throat was giving in and I felt tears
filling my eyes...
Me: "You couldn't even answer me."
Mihle: "I love you damm't and uyayazi lonto,
andikwazi why uziphambanisa."
Me: "I asked if this is how you treated
Nomthandazo and you couldn't even give me a
bloody answer to it!"
Mihle: "Because you're not Nomthandazo!"
And right there I froze, once again he was
fucking up my emotions, hurting me ten times
more. I didn't care what he meant by that and
ndandingazombuza, I took it lendlela yayingena
ngayo apha kum and that's how it was going to
be. I knew if I blinked ngoku I would release the
tears which were held by my eyes, he was
staring hard at me most probably waiting for
me to say something or ask what he meant by
lento yoba I wasn't Nomthandazo but I knew I
wasn't her so ndandingazo buza.
Feeling that I needed some positive energy and
someone who was going to put a smile on my
face, I absentmindedly asked him...
"Ndicela undinike inumber ka Andrew."
Mihle: "Intoni?"
Me: "I need him to come fetch me since you
won't take me there."
Mihle: "Akekho omnye umntu onomcela?"
Me: "Ndicela undiphe inumber ka Andrew
Mihle."
He took out his cell phone with his eyes still on
me and unlocked it, wandinika. I looked at it,
contemplating on whether to take it or not but
he provoked my already not-giving-a-fuck self
when he said...
"Call him."

I looked at this man before me before staring at

his phone, it was clear uba we were both
stubborn and with the way he did things he was
used to getting his way through kodwa I wasn't
about to play cool ngento yonke ayitshoyo, I had
feelings too. I took the phone and looked at
Andrew's number ngoba wayesele endiyele
kuyo, when I pressed ring and placed the phone
on my ear my eyes were looking at his feet and I
had the utmost confidence mntaka dabs but
when I looked up at him and saw how he was
staring at me, the vein which made its way
down his forehead, his furrowed eyebrows and
suddenly red and teary eyes I knew uba
ndandivuse inyoka izilelele.
115th Entry

Mihle

I was now standing in front of Aphindiwe

waiting for her to ring Drew. I can't explain the
emotions I felt when she asked for his number,
it was a slap on the face and not just any slap, a
hard one, I knew she was doing that for revenge,
most definitely for what I just said to her about
her not being Nomthandazo because I
remember how her face changed from the hurt
it showed to shock then back to hurt again
within a matter of seconds. And no
ndandingaxoki when I said she wasn't
Nomthandazo but I was hoping she'd ask what I
meant about that, I was hoping she would've
asked me before she reacted because I'm
pretty sure what I meant ngalonto was totally
different to what she thought.
When she placed the phone on her ear and
looked down at our feet I felt betrayal, andizothi
I saw this coming but I knew her better than the
type to do this, was she that angry nah, I know I
messed up but couldn't she give me a chance
to get this right. She looked up at me and her
eyes widened, I know where her shock came
from, she hasn't seen me like this before and
ndayayazi uba when I'm really angry, I looked
like a monster, I didn't know how I looked but
from how people looked at me oko I knew it
must be scary. It rang and he picked up ngoba
the silence that was filling the room allowed the
speaker to seem louder than usual, he said
Miles for the second time but she didn't
respond just looking straight into my eyes, I
was holding my teeth tight together preventing
myself from blinking, yes my eyes were filled
with tears and I guess that's what shocked her.
She sighed softly before looking away and
saying...
"Andrew"
Andrew: "Skatiebal, what's wrong, is everything
okay?"
I chuckled and stepped back, my eyebrows
were deeply furrowed and for the first time in
such a long time I had that irritated hard lump
on my throat but it wasn't easy for any man to
let it out like women do...
Aphindiwe: "Yes everything's okay, could you
please come and fetch me"
He said something I couldn't make up but she
nodded saying "yes" before an "okay" then I
presumed she had hung up when she stopped
talking, with my hands in my pocket I turned
around slowly and looked at her, she handed
me my phone and I extended my hand and took
it...
Aphindiwe: "Thanks"
She slowly took her handbag from the bed and
turned to walk to the door, I stood there and
looked at her, she didn't dare to turn and look at
me instead she opened the door, stepped out
and closed it, I stood in that very same position
looking at that door for God knows how long
before I took a few steps back and sat on the
bed. I brought my hands to head, with my
elbows on my knees, I was shaking, the anger I
had was beyond the anger I often felt when I
was about to kill someone, it was sickening.
After a while I stood and headed to the
wardrobe, I pulled out my brown leather bag
and opened it, I took all my clothes and opened
the zip at the bottom of the bag and pulled out
my rifle, I sat on the as I pulled out the
magazine from the chamber and checked my
bullets, I had two so I loaded another three
before putting it back in the chamber, I laid it on
the bed next to me and stared hard at it
between narrowed eyes. My mind was running
wild, it was everywhere, thinking about
everything, never in my life have I loved a girl
who challenged me like this one did, there was
something about her which made her not fear
me and it was abnormal to me ngoba from all
the women I've dated none of them would have
done what Aphindiwe did ngoku, none!
I stood at the balcony and enjoyed the joint
which I just lit, I had it rolled earlier on when
Keagan was here, my stare was at a distance as
I smoked this, my mind was not on what I was
doing as a result I didn't know uba ndayigqiba
nini la joint but ndaqabuka when it very small.
Before I stepped back into the room I stood at
the balcony and allowed lento ndigqiboyi tshaya
to sink in, I headed back inside and searched
my toiletry bag for a Halls, from my jacket
holder I pulled out my black coat, placed my
gun in its holster then on my waist. I looked
around for anything I was leaving behind, what I
saw was the card lock and my cellphone, having
grabbed them I walked out. I headed straight to
the car wasting no time, my mind was already
at the club and I wasn't planning on causing any
choas phaya but that would also depend on
how things were xa ndifika phaya and I was
praying that when I arrive there she wouldn't be
anywhere near Drew, in fact there was one thing
endandiyiyela kula club, to get back Aphindiwe
and take her back to the hotel, this weapon on
my waist was just for in case someone wanted
to act all manish on me ngentombi yam.
I arrived at the club and found iparking, I didn't
step out of the car immediately and I wasn't
planning on stepping out anyway so I took my
phone from the passenger seat and rang
Andrew's number, after about three rings he
answered, the noise in the club overwhelming
his vouce...
"Miles"
Me: "Bring back my girl"
Andrew: "What?"
Me: "Bring back my girl"
Andrew: "Sy wil nie daa' wee..."
Me: "Fucken bring her back!"
Andrew: "Come fetch her"
Then he hung up, giving me a reason to get
inside. I pulled out the key from the ignition and
stepped, making sure that Keagan's car was
locked before I went inside, I headed straight to
the table they were seated on and to my
surprise Aphindiwe wasn't there...
Bianca: "You're back."
I didn't look at Bianca ngoba I wasn't here for
her, I leaned on the table and looked at Andrew
before talking...
"Where's she?"
Andrew: "You need to contain your anger (pause)
whatever you did to her is obviously fucked up,
she wouldn't stop crying."
Me: "Where. Is. She?"
I emphasized each of those words clearly, I was
about to ask again when Lumka said...
"Uphume noBulelani phandle."
I nodded and stepped away from the table
before heading to the exit, I was feeling a lot of
mixed emotions and it wasn't the greatest
feeling, it was fucked up ngoba half of me told
me uba ndimyeke ade azibuyele ngoba
wayezifunele uhamba but the other half wanted
her by my side. When I was outside I gazed
around looking for Bulelani and Aphindiwe but
after ten seconds of not seeing them, I called
Bulelani...
Me: "Bhuda uphi?"
Bulelani: "Wena uphi?"
Me: "Ndifuna uAphindiwe groot man, niphi?"
He kept quiet for a while before talking again...
"Uyayibona le Ranger ibomvu?"
I looked around and spotted it, I walked towards
it before he could say they were there
Me: "Ya."
Bulelani: "Yiza kuyo"
I hung up and walked up to the car, they were
behind la moto and the first person I was
Bulelani who was standing, staring on the
ground with his hands in his pockets, Keagan
was kneeling in front of Aphindiwe and she had
her head between her legs, I could tell she was
crying ngoba her shoulders kept on moving
every time she sniffed. I was about to move
forward when Bulelani held my arm and pulled
me back, ndamjonga...
Bulelani: "Umenzeni lomntana?"
I looked at Bulelani then at Aphindiwe then back
at Bulelani, he was waiting for me to answer but
when I didn't he spoke again
"Akakwazi nothetha lomntana Mihle."
Me: "Mandithethe naye"
Bulelani: "Umenzeni Mihle."
Me: "Groot man zinintsi into esithethe ngazo
noAphindiwe."
He raised his eyebrows at me and stared hard
at me, this guy was like my elder brother ke
especially in situations like these, la four year
gap was clear kuthi when I mess up ngoba he
always found a way to correct me, reminding
me uba umdala. I looked at Keagan before
stepping towards them, I touched his shoulder,
he turned and looked at me before standing up
straight, I guess the worry on my face was clear
because he was looking at me with much pity
before he stepped aside allowing me to stand in
front of her, I was still mad that she left with
Andrew but ngoku I was worried then mad.
What worried me were the questions which
kept popping in my mind, how she said nothing
after what I said, what if she was planning on
leaving, calling things off nathi before they even
started, sasingenayo ne three months kaloku.
I squatted down in front of her and held her legs,
she couldn't stop sniffing and shaking her head
continuous, I knew wayengazokwazi uthetha
but for some reason I knew her silence was
going raise my worry in hundreds. I sighed
about three times before I finally found the
husky voice in me...
"Phindi."
She didn't flinch and I knew uba wayeyazi uba
I've been there for a while now, I don't know
how to explain it but we sort of felt each other's
presence
Me: "Aphindiwe ndicela undijonge (pause) baby
could you at least look at me."
She stopped sniffing for a while and moving, I
was hoping she'd move her head from between
her legs and look at me but when she started
crying again, with a hiccup this time I knew I
fucked up, by just that fucken response and I
ruined it all. This was one of the things I hated
about myself, how often I didn't count my words
when I was angry, ndandinga khathali uba
azongena njani kuwe as long as I've said them
and you heard but apha kwakufuneke ndibale
amagama, even though she was the most
challenging female I've beeb with, she was the
most fragile.
I tried folding her arms which were folded over
her neck but she tightened them making it hard
for me to move them and if ever I went all rough
on her, she'd feel as though I'm hurting her...
Me: "Mambhele?"
Every second since I started talking to her and
she wasn't responding, I felt like she was
drifting miles away from me and it was a
sickening emotion, a feeling I felt would soon
have me lose my cool
"Mambhele (long pause) I don't often explain
myself to anybody but ngendlela oyiyo I always
feel the need yokuxelela where you've
misunderstood me. Aphindiwe I'm not with you
to play with your feeling."
With my hands now on her head, digging my
fingers on her hair I stopped when she moved it
from in between her legs and slowly looked up
at me, her eyes were swollen already,
disadvantage of having lamehlo mancinci. She
looked at me through teary eyes and I stared
back at her before I extended my hand and
cleaned her left cheek then cleaned the right
but before I was even done cleaning it, other
drops of tears fell from her eyes, others landing
on my head, she looked at me before she slowly
shook her head and looked to the side.
I laid my head on one of her knees and took a
moment, I was searching for the right words to
say to her so I'd correct her waybof judging
what I said back in the hotel room, after some
while I sighed and pulled back from her knee, to
my surprise she was looking at me...
Me: "Baby I need you to understand one thing
and ndiyayiqonda uba you must've noticed it
(pause) ndinomsindo okhawulezayo and I know
it comes with a lot of bullshit because I've
noticed xa ndinomsindo you end up in tears.
(Long pause) I don't want to lose you over such
shit."
Aphindiwe: "It isn't shit kum."
Her voice was cracky and her tone a little
blocked from the tears so it came out as a
whisper but I heard her anyway because right
now she was all I was paying attention to...
Me: "Ndicela undimamel..."
She shook her head and tried talking but
akakwazi, this was what caused me to stand up
and pull her up with me, she allowed me and
when she was up I pulled her in my arms and
right there she let it out, waqalela phantsi. I had
my eyebrows furrowed all this time listening to
her cry, she wasn't the type who let out any
sound but she just had hiccups and sniffed, the
right side of my chest was wet from her tears, I
wanted to wait for her to contain herself so I'd
talk to her ngoku she wouldn't hear a thing I'd
say.
After a long while ndimlindile, with her in my
arms she finally stop crying but she still had
hiccups from crying this much, I could feel the
fists she held on my T-shirt before she slowly
loosened them and encircled her arms around
my waist, she still refused to look at me so I
gave her time, I was running my hands up and
down her back looking down at her head ngoba
it was the only thing I could see now. She finally
looked up at me and I couldn't help myself so I
lowered my head and placed a kiss on her
forehead, when she saw me staring at her lips
she looked away and I cringed my jaws before
sighing...
Me: "You ready to hear me out?"
She looked at me again for a long time before
nodding but I could tell she wanted to say
something so I cocked a brow at her
"Thetha"
Aphindiwe: "Mhuh?"
Me: "Ufuna uthini?"
Aphindiwe: "But please don't say anything that
will hurt me."
Me: "I'm sorry"
She tried pulling back but I held her arms and
kept her there kodwa she forced it and that's
when her arm bumped my weapon, wama...
"Yintoni leyo?"
Me: "Feel it"
She shook her head with her eyes a little wider, I
couldn't help but chuckled, she jumped away
from when I pulled her arm towards the gun and
she slightly touched it...
Aphindiwe: "Did you have this ngoku besisiza?"
Me: "No"
Aphindiwe: "Isukaphi kengoku?"
Me: "You look terrified"
Aphindiwe: "What were you going to do with
that?"
Me: "We not talking about lonto baby."
She looked at me, what was funny was how she
kept on staring between me and my waist. I
stepped closer to her, she stood still and looked
at me, I cupped her face and looked back at her
before I whispered...
"Masiyothetha emotweni."
She nodded, when she moved away I turned
and looked at the two men behind me, my
wingmen...
Bulelani: "Phindi uright?"
She smiled at Bulelani before she came closer
and encircled her arm around me from the side
but moved it away immediately when it touched
my gun, I laughed shaking my head
Keagan: "Baby if he bothers you again, call me
and we'll cut off his balls."
Me: "She'd never allow you to, she loves them."
She stepped infront of me wandijonga
ekhamisile, I blew her a kiss but she didn't stop
looking at me with her mouth hung open,
despite the way I treated her there was no way
I'd deny the feelings I had for her...
Me: "Ndizothetha naye emotweni"
Bulelani: "Abuye elila Miles lomntana,
uzongqubana nam."
I nodded and walked over to where I had
packed with her hand in mine, I opened the back
door for her and waited for her to be well seated
before I closed the door and walked over to the
other side, once I was inside she didn't turn to
look at me but stared far ahead as if thinking
about something, I knew it wasn't going to be
easy but I was going to try and tell her anyway.
"Phindi?"
It was only then she slowly turned and looked at
me, her eyes were carrying tears again and I
knew it really did cut deep when I was about to
talk she lifted her finger at me, indirectly telling
me to shut up and I did...
Aphindiwe: "I want you to understand that I love
you but I'm not going to tolerate being
compared."
Me: "Then don't compare yourself babe. I don't
need you to be anybody else but yourself
Aphindiwe and what I meant ngoku bendisithi
kuwe you're not Nomthandazo I meant it,
awunguwe uNomthandazo and that's what I
love about you, I need you to hear me clearly,
you're not Nomthandazo for many reasons,
reasons far from lento uyicingileyo (pause). I'm
trying to be a better person for you, something I
wasn't for her, I'm willing to break contact with
people for you, I'm willing to let you in babe in a
couple of months something it took me two
years to do naye. I'm crazy about you
Mambhele and I need you to understand me,
ngoba if you would you'd know uba ezinye
ezinto I don't say the way you take them."
She was quiet whole this time, looking at me, I
had emphasized every word I said and I meant
them, I wasn't playing games with her,
ndandimdala kakhulu for games, if I cheated I
did it from losing feelings or lack of interest and
not because I was still a game player. When she
was about to talk I placed my finger on her lips
and she gasped...
"Ndicela undinyamezele Mambhele, I know the
kind of guy you want me to be but I'm just not
there yet. Andikafiki apho Phindi wam."
My heart smiled when she smiled contradicted
the tears which she blinked free from her eyes, I
dried her eyes with my thumb, smearing the
mascara she had on. She moved closer and
placed a kiss on my lips before she pulled back
encumile and wiped her cheeks with the back of
hands, walala on my lap and kept still there for
a long time, my hand was playing with her hair
before I looked at my wrist watch, 02:17, fuck
I'd prefer being with her this way in bed rather
than kule moto.

I leaned in and placed a kiss on her shoulder,

she tightened her hold on my knee...
Me: "To fit your age, do you do promise rings?"
She turned and giggled covering her eyes with
her hands, I placed a long baby kiss on those
hands and waited for her to respond.
It was clear nakubani that she loved me and
there wasn't anything fake in our chemistry, I'd
truly be a fool if I in anyway took advantage of
this lady, I know like any other man I would
probably mess up and say sorry a million times
but there was one thing I was sure
ndandingasoze ndiyenze, was to have any other
girl disrespect because I let them, I wasn't that
weak.
116th Entry

Aphindiwe

I was now laying on this guy's lap wondering if it

was possible uba umntu ndimthande oluhlobo
nah? Jonga ke mntaka ka somnci inxaki yam
I've never been this much in love nalanto yefirst
love didn't work out so well for me, I often used
to think Sasa was mad when she went insanely
in love over and over for elagintsa lakhe as if
wayengambethi or as though he wasn't as
aggressive as he is kodwa right now I believed I
understood where she was coming from, if this
is how love worked then it was funny. Uqala
kwam umbona uMihle I knew umhle, there was
no doubt in that one but like any other guy I've
came across when I saw him I thought "fun",
date to pass time and all but when I realized
that kwelam icala jealousy was kicking in I
knew kunzima and babe you better it's fucken
deep when you start fantasizing ngendoda
womntu. When he asked me about promise ring
I knew he was joking, you could hear it from his
tone but anyway ndand'happy that he did try
and understand that ndingoye 20th Century so
ezinye ezinto I were definitely going to love and
find interesting way more than I did.
He was brushing my shoulder this whole time
that it began to burn where he was rubbing
because of the continuous pressure, I flinched a
little for him to stop and he did, I slowly turned
on his lap and looked at him, he had his head
rested on the headrest of the chair with his eyes
closed, I was staring at him from the lower view,
his breathing was steady so now to disturb I
decided not to bother him even though I was
curious about what he was thinking off.
After some time sihleli kanjalo I cleared my
throat, at first I didn't get his attention so I did it
again and instead of looking at me, he spoke...
"Thetha?"
Me: "Ucinga ntoni?"
Mihle: "A lot"
Me: "Zinto kaloku"
He finally moved his head from the headrest
aod looked at me with his eye narrowed
Mihle: "Ezinto eskolweni zihamba njani?"
Me: "I wouldn't know kaloku, I haven't been here
for weeks."
He was playing with my eyelashes and
eyebrows, running his index finger on them, if
khange ndikhale elaxesha lide kangakayana I'd
probably be shouting at him for running my
mascara but after crying that much, I knew I
had none left.
Mihle: "Kanti don't they send emails nah
kwesiskolo sakho?"
I removed myself from his lap, balancing with
my elbows causing him to hiss from pain, I
quickly sat up and looked at him, he had a point
ke apho, I most probably had millions of those
emails from school as well as assignments...
Me: "They do but ndiyazilibala mna babe
ezizinto."
He cocked a brow at me, definitely thinking I'm
crazy and I understand why he thought that
kodwa ndandibethwa kungayiqheli yonke lento,
I mean since I last high school and attended la
first semester at university of Johannesburg,
never again did I go to school until now so I
needed to adapt kulento...
Me: "And inoba I got plenty of assignments."
Mihle: "What you studying again?"
Me: "Law."
Mihle: "Urelaxer ingathi ufunda iEducation
Phindi wam"
He said that opening the door of the car, my
arms got covered with goosebumps instantly
so I tensed and I think he noticed because when
he looked at me again he immediately pulled
the door to close it, it was clear to see that he
wanted to step out of the car but stopped
anyway so I couldn't help but ask
"Uyaphi?"
Mihle: "Masambe"
I opened the door again and stepped out, I
followed his actions and stepped out, took a
step forward towards the front door but instead
of doing that he stepped around the car causing
me to stop before I could get in the car, when
he was by my door he spoke...
"Ndilinde ndiyoxelela uKeagan that we leaving
ngemoto yakhe uzohamba ngoBulelani."
I nodded and he stepped away from me and
headed straight to the entrance. While I was in
the car waiting for him, like any other normal
girl I couldn't help but think uba did he even look
at Bianca when he stepped in there, did he
smile at her or let alone touch her, to he honest
with you yonke lento was driving me crazy
because now I had a reason to doubt him, from
what he did about two hours ago made me feel
like he was capable of doing anything and
yayingathi wayezoyenza. I was close to
panicking kaloku ngoku because he's been in
there for over five minutes, it was that long that
I ended up locking the car, after searching for
my cellphone in my handbag I now had it in my
hands searching for his number,
ndandingekayazi ngentloko mntaka bawo,
having found it I rang him my eyes not leaving
the entrance. He picked up after the third ring...
"Ndiyeza"
Me: "Uza uphi?"
Mihle: "At the entrance"
I didn't move my eyes from the doors of the
entrance until I saw him walk out encokola
noAndrew, Drew was doing much of the talking
and as they stood there I took a moment to take
them both in, uMihle was an inch or so shorter
than Andrew and he was well-built not lento Ka
Vuyo Dabula but more of Trey Songs type of
tanned body, uDrew was a little lean but in a
good way, lendlela babethetha ngayo you'd
mistake them for good friends but I knew they
weren't, they just happened to tolerate each
other. Mihle nodded again but he checked his
watch and touched Andrew's shoulder and said
something, he then turned on his heel and
walked towards the car, I saw Drew step back
after shaking his head a couple of times, even
with my head staring at the other direction,
when the door of the car opened I already knew
it had to Mihle because when the wind blew, it
filled his cologne into the car and in my
nostrils...
Me: "Kuyabanda ngoku"
He buckled his seatbelt and looked at me
before he switched on the engine...
Me: "What took you so long?"
Mihle: "Andrew"
Me: "Andrew?"
Mihle: "Ewe ebefuna uthetha."
Me: "Ebesithini?"
His concentration was on the car he was driving
as he tried reversing from the parking lot and
careful not to bump any of the cars which were
parked close by ngendlela endingayaziyo. When
he drove out into the main road I saw him relax,
he was about to turn up the volume of the radio
when I spoke again...
"Ebesithini uAndrew?"
He stopped himself from increasing the volume
and looked at me, his eyebrows were furrowed
but I wasn't about to explain myself to him, he
knew why I wanted to know, it was obvious uba
I was worried ngoba this was the same guy I
called not long ago to come fetch me, the very
same guy he didn't trust me with so I wanted to
know because a huge part of me told me it was
what he said to Andrew which got Drew talking
that much and not the other way around...
Mihle: "Kutheni wa curious?"
Me: "Akhonto"
I shrugged my shoulders as I said that and
turned on my seat looking at the front, I was
about to dig it up because he might just take
my curiosity in a total wrong way. After some
ethula, in fact when he was done parking the
car at the hotel parking lot he unbuckled his belt
and looked at me before saying...
"He was telling me uba akayithandanga lento
ndifike ndayenza whereas you're the one who
called him."
Me: "Wena ufike wenzani?"
Mihle: "I asked him uphi."
I tilted my head and looked at him, well he didn't
look like he was joking but he did however look
like he wasn't telling me the whole truth
Me: "Really?"
He opened the door and stepped out without
answering that, we closed the doors
simultaneously and headed for the entrance in
silence, since the quarrel we both seemed like
we were always caught up in our thoughts,
since we spoke it through and forgave him
there wasn't much to say, well ndandifuna
uthetha mna but it seems like he wasn't
interested. I don't know if it was the mind or it
was happening nyani but after your first fight
with isithandwa sakho it is most likely that you'll
hallucinate, you will notice change in things that
don't even have change ngoba even nalena ka
Mihle into of ignoring me wasn't new but it
somehow felt like he never used to do until now.
We walked through the hallway in silence, only
the sound of shoes making the noise, he had
my handbag in his other hand and my hand in
his other , I kept on stealing a glance of him
every now and then ngoba he was irritating me
ngalento yakhe yongathethi ever since I asked
him about Andrew, okanye inoba ndandityiwa
sisazela mntaka somnci...
Me: 'You're quiet"
He turned and looked at me before he forced a
lousy smile on his face, I was about to take
another step forward when he
held my waist and stopped me, my back was
against his chest and I could hear his breathing
very clear because he had his chin on my
shoulder, he sighed causing me to turn my head
and look at him...
Me: "What's wrong?"
Mihle: "You know babe uba ndiyindoda right and
zinintsi into uzothi xa uzenza ndizibone
ngedlela yam."
By now he had me against the wall, his hands
were each on the side of me shoulders, he
continued...
"Lento uyenzileyo of calling uDrew when you're
angry made me feel some type of way,
andiyithandanga, you made me feel like an
asshole, like you could..."
Me: "Uxolo."
He narrowed his already narrowed eyes at me
and stopped talking for that while
Me: "I know it was stupid of me qha I wanted
you to feel what I felt when you stood up for
Bianca and even winked at her."
Mihle: "What did you feel?"
He moved away after asking that question, he
shoved his hands in his pockets and looked at
me, he was making me nervous ngoba he was
not just looking at me but was also chowing on
his lower lip, I looked away and sighed...
Me: "Can we not talk about this?"
Mihle: "Andizoyazi how I made you feel if
awuthethi"
I looked at him again, I noticed that his eyes
haven't left my face ever since, wayendinyisa
nge eye contact ke lobhuti
Me: "I felt hurt and less appreciated."
Mihle: "Less appreciated?"
Me: "Ewe, you made me feel like lamntana she
can step over me whenever she wants, you
made me feel so little! You should've seen how
you fought for her, indlela lena ubuf..."
I didn't finish that when he crushed his lips on
me, I don't know when he moved closer kum
because I was too concentrated on what I was
saying, on expressing my feelings that I lost
focus but however when his lips met mine there
was no way I'd know uba bendisithini ugqiba
kwakhe apha, as he was kissing me I found my
hands make their way under his T-shirt and he
chuckled pulling back, wandijonga...
Mihle: "You could never just kiss me
ungabatywa"
I removed my hands from under his T-shirt and
looked at me, with my eyebrows furrowed he
had this smirk on his face this whole time, even
though waye right there was no way I'd admit
that to him...
Me: "That's too much babe"
Mihle: "Can you ke?"
Me: "Ewe tshini"
He chuckled before leaning in and kissing my
forehead, he began walking again causing me
to blush obviously...
"So sizoyenza?"
I was hopping behind him, excited about this
whole idea of having him kiss me all over, I
remember the last time he did that in the
shower uba kwenzekani.
He stood at the door and searched for my bag, I
relaxed because honestly there was nothing to
hide in there, he took out the lock access card
and opened the door, he couldn't stop looking at
me every now and then even when I sat on the
bed...
Mihle: "Awuncume"
Me: "I have every right to do so kaloku"
Mihle: "Unamanyala kodwa wena baby."
He said that removing his T-shirt while staring
at me through the mirror, he had that fucken
cute smile, the one which flaunted his dimple
Me: "Yintoni?"
Mihle: "Ndiyakubuka nje baby"
I lent forward and untied my shoelaces before
laying on the bed and looking up at the ceiling, I
kicked off my pumps just when I was about to
left my feet and place them on the bed, I felt his
hands on my left foot and I flinched...
"Yandothusa man."
Mihle: "I need us to talk about something"
Me: "Le position ayina luck shame, yesterday
we were on this same position and wathetha
into endothusileyo."
Mihle: "(chuckles) yile position inxaki nhe?"
Me: "Ewe"
Mihle: "Or maybe it's your feet."
I rougly pulled my feet away from his hold and
he laughed before finding a seat next to me on
the bed, I folded my legs and looked at him...
Me: "Let's talk Phopho wam"
He chuckled and turned slightly to face me
"You know le relationship yethu ayizobalula
mos?"
Me: "I'm expecting rough bumps ewe"
Mihle: "What makes it worse is lento
yomntana."
For some time I had forgotten that she was our
main problem and she would be for a long time,
all I had to do is accept it and be strong, there
were bigger problems coming our way
Me: "Ewe"
Mihle: "Funeke ndiyombona (pause) and talk to
her about umntana. The baby is mine after all."
I nodded and he continued
"During this whole time you'll have to be strong,
not kancinci babe."
Me: "I've never been through such a situation
before so I don't know what to expect"
Mihle: "I've been with her for four years I know
what we're going to deal with (long pause)
ezanto ebedala ezenza ziminor babe"
Me: "Could you defend me this time around?"
He raised his eyebrows at me before his eyes
searched my whole body while I was still seated,
he then looked at me again before asking
"What do you mean?"
Me: "You never deared to defend me all this
time ebendikhonkotha uNomthandazo."
Mihle: "(sighs) I know"
Me: "Why did you do that?"
He cringed jaws as he stared at his feet and you
know when a man does that, angakwazi
ukuphendula, it simply means something
serious must be going on, some shit really deep,
he sighed before closing his eyes when he
opened them I was staring at him waiting for
him to respond because I wanted to hear his
answer to what I asked. He turned and looked
at me, before he chewed on his lower lip and
sighed again
"Awukwazi undiphendula?"
Mihle: "Babe every time sithetha
ngoNomthandazo we end up fighting,
awuqapheli lonto?"
Me: "Every time undishiya unanswered my
curiosity increases so ndicela undiphendula just
this once"
Mihle: "I did that because I wasn't sure"
Me: "Wasn't sure?"
Mihle: "When uNomthandazo was at you
ndingathethi ndithule it's because ndadingazazi
uba ndiyakufuna nah or not."
Me: "Oh"
Mihle: "Can I be honest with you Phindi?"
I nodded...
"I don't know how you felt about me uqala
kwakho undibona kodwa mna ndakufuna for
ione night stand ndisaqala ukubona not
knowing uba ndizochazeka."
Me: "So your aim was to get in my panties."
Mihle: "Frequently, but it didn't work (long pause)
and I don't regret it not working."
I nodded slowly before I looked away, he placed
his hand on my knee and squeezed it, earning
my attention ndajika and looked at him
Mihle: "Every time sithetha ngoNomthandazo
you'll learn something about me from all these
things you'll ask, andifuni uzibuza uba ngoba
kutheni ndingenzi kanje kodwa I used to do this
to her, you not her and that's why ndilapha nawe
namhlanje (pause) awungo Nomthandazo and I
don't want you to be. I appreciate you
unguAphindiwe, yevha?"
I smiled and knelt on the bed, I placed a kiss on
his forehead before I grabbed hold of my phone,
absentmindedly I unlocked it and we straight to
camera, ndafota sana, a beautiful picture with
his eye closed, his hands gently on my neck
while I had my lips on his forehead...
Me: "Masiyohlamba"
Mihle: "Intoni? Again? No Mambhele,
andiyontlanzi mna!"
I giggled getting of the bed as I begun to
remove my items one after the other, I was now
naked dressed in only my lace panties, lendoda
yam was laying on the bed looking at me
Me: "Awund'join(i) nyani?"
Mihle: "Andizokwazi bhabha."
Me: "Okay"
Mihle: "Enjoy!"
I was already at the shower by the time he
shouted that one word, I was going to enjoy it,
after so much drama tonight I needed it.
After God knows how long I stepped out of
there not even wrapped around in a towel, he
knew how I looked whe. naked and there was
absolutely no part of me I would have wanted to
change, I was content and bold ngalomzimba.
My precious man was asleep ke sana, still in his
jeans and his cell phone next to him, he looked
peaceful, I stood where I was at and watched
him, he was facing the other side so his back
was facing me, I looked at his muscles and
tanned body, how light and smooth his skin was.
After some time ndime phaya a lot running
through my mind as I looked at this guy, my
body covered in goosebumps alerted me that I
was getting cold since the air con was on, so I
walked over to where my bag was and pulled
out my panties, after putting them on I took a
few steps towards the bed and woke him up, all
he did was to turn over and groan....
Me: "Mihle"
"Mmmm"
Me: "Vuka."
He opened one eye and looked at me, I was
removing pillows from the bed, making space
so we could sleep kwakusile shame so I
understood where his exhaustion came from,
he shifted a little from where he was laying as I
pulled the sheets under him, it was useless me
sana ngoba his weight was beyong what I could
pull
"Baby vuka kaloku."
He furrowed his eyebrows before he attempted
getting up, he kept on cursing under his breathe
but ndandingamhoyanga because we had to
sleep and mna ndandingazo lala without having
my body covered. He sat on his butt rubbing his
eyes before he looked at me, I didn't understand
why he stopped moving and just stared at me
until my mind snapped me back to reality, I was
naked only in the see through lace panties, like
any other girl who would have her man look at
her ngoluhlobo every time xa embona as
though uyaqala, I blushed...
Me: "Ndicela undiboleke iskipa solala."
He looked at me before his eyes ran from my
face until my thighs then back to my face again
"You good this way."
With that stupid smile still on my face I slid
under the sheets and waited for him, he undid
his belt before he started walking towards the
bathroom but stopped when his cellphone rang,
since it was close to me I held it but didn't
answer it
Mihle: "Yiphendule"
I looked up from the cellphone to him, "Huh?"
but he carried on walking towards the bathroom
leaving me to do as he instructed...
"Hello?"
Wathula lomntu and it was a number so I
couldn't say uba ngumani so I repeated myself
but froze when the voice said
"Aphindiwe?"
Ndanyaba sana because I believed ndandiyazi
lovoice and for her to call at this time it had to
be urgent but that was least of my worries, my
biggest worry was ngoku ndandisekunyeni ke
qha and from there on I expected icall esuka ku
David nanini nah.
117th Entry

Nomthandazo

Being a month and some weeks pregnant

wasn't easy, kwasekuqaleni ke phofu
kwakungekho lula because honestly speaking
this was a shitty process, even though you
happened to bond with your infant it was
impossible not to feel the burden of carrying her
or him. Being the type of person that I was my
mood swings were over board ngoku and it
wasn't like I wanted it this awa, it was just who I
am.
So namhlanje I went out with friends after
rereturning from work but had to came back
early when I had funny cramps, at first they
didn't seem so serious but as the night
stretched out it was unbearable, umama and
Vhuvhu did try some things out to help me and I
was praying countless times that it wasn't the
effects of the drinking I did earlier on the days
of my pregnancy because ngoku I realized
ndiyamfuna lomntana. After having tried
everything I managed to fall asleep because the
pain had eased a little but was once again
woken by this stinging pain in my abdomen
which I couldn't handle, I attempted on getting
off the bed and tried walking to either
Sivuyisiwe's bedroom or eka mama but I
atiooed approximately after my forth step
unable to move anymore because every time I
took a step forward the pain seemed to be
increasing, I screamed bending forward holding
le ndawo which had the most pain. I was
standing there in the same place unable to
move and about to call out for someone when
the door of my room swung open...
"Yintoni?"
Me: "Mama andikwaz...!"
She rushed towards me endibamba, asking
countless times uba bendisiyaphi. She helped
to the bed but in slow, painful steps just when
she was laying me on the bed someone else
walked in, it was Vhuvhu, she walked over to the
bed in long strides and asked
"Kwenzekani?"
Mama: "Nomtha uva ndawoni ebuhlungu?"
I pointed at the place while trying to hold in the
cry which was threatening to come out,
ndandincwina...
Sivuyisiwe: "Mama funeke sim'se esibhedlele"
I shook my head mandijonga, I couldn't be in a
car for that long
Mama: "Sithini ke Nomthandazo? Sithini?"
I closed my eyes and tried breathing through my
mouth but it was pointless anyway because the
pain wouldn't go away. It wasn't long until Azola
stepped in my room too, utata was the only
person absent because he had gone to George
to visit his family, in fact he was gone to see his
mother, our grandmother who apparently was
admitted in hospital a few days back, well at the
age of 91 these types of stuff had to be
expected, wayemdala...
Me: "What time is it?"
Azola checked her phone and replied
"Eighteen minutes past three."
Fuck it was early but at least it was weekend, if
ever this happened during the week
ndandingasoze ndikwazi ukuya emsebenzini.
Umama retreated to the kitchen and came back
with a glass of milk for me to drink which I did
but couldn't finish, every bloody minute which
passed these pains seemed to be more than
what they were when I woke up, I attempted on
turning just so I can lay on my side but failed
because it felt like I was applying more
pressure on this.
I don't for how long have I been quiet, not that
intlungu zaziphelile qha ndandinyamezele but
later realised uba it wasn't working for me I
needed some medical help kengoku...
Me: "Vhuvhu?"
Sivuyisiwe: "Mhuh?"
Me: "Call Mihle"
Sivuyisiwe: "Intoni?"
Me: "Call uMihle!"
She looked at me as though I just spoke a
foreign language to her, the questioning look on
her face irritated me because kwakunzima
nothetha apha but I figured she wouldn't talk
unless I told her uba kwakutheni out of all
people ndizofuna aphone(le) uMihle
Me: "He knows of some doctor, iGynecologist."
She nodded and retreated to her room, wabuya
in no time asking for Mihle's number, by this
time umama was out in her room trying to get
hold of help too. Having memorized Mihle's
number four years ago I called it out and she
dialed it before ringing him, I was concentrated
on the pain all this time until she said
"Aphindiwe?"
I snapped my eyes open and looked at Vhuvhu,
she had the most surprised look on her face
and I understand kwakutheni, I myself didn't
know expect her to be with him, I was thinking
maybe he would've stopped seeing her by now,
realizing that he made a mistake but here she
was picking up his cellphone...
Sivuyisiwe: "(sighs) Yoh hayi Thixo, xa
ungazothetha khawunike uMihle iphone."
I tried sitting up ngoba lena ndandiyiva into was
making me naar, it was just another disease on
top of le illness ndandinayo, I kept my gaze on
Vhuvhu until she said
"Mihle (pause) unjani?"
Sivuyisiwe: "Jonga uNomthandazo is having
pains apha and uthi you know of a gynecologist
who could help her (pause) hayi (pause)
andiyazi."
She sighed closing her eyes before handing me
the phone, exactly what I wanted him to do, to
talk to me so I took the phone with a lousy
smile on my face...
Me: "Hello."
Mihle: "Hey, uthi yintoni inxaki?"
I found myself hurting all over again, I missed
him, I missed this voice and I won't lie these
couple of weeks which I haven't been talking to
him seemed useless now that I was hearing his
voice, there was no way I'd be able to let go of
this man and what we had
Me: "Ndine cramps and they're bad"
Mihle: "Are you bleeding?"
Me: "Not yet but lendlela zingayo I will."
He kept quiet for a while and I heard some
whispering at the background before he got
back to me
"Let me call Sonke, then ndizobuyela kuwe."
Me: "Wait."
Mihle: "Ewe"
Me: "Can't you come see me? (Pause) see us?"
Mihle: "I'm not in Cape Town Nomthandazo."
Me: "Oh"
He kept quiet before sighing for a very long time
and I could already imagine the look he had on
his face...
"Let me make le phone call, I'll get back to you."
I didn't move the phone from my ear but closed
my eyes instead of saying goodbye, Azola and
Vhuvhu were quiet this whole time and I on the
other hand was deep in my emotional thoughts
because talking to this man took me back to
square one, I felt my eyes filling up with tears
but I knew I needed to be strong, I needed to
tighten up...
Azola: "Uthini?"
Me: "He'll call me back."
Sivuyisiwe: "Call you back?"
I tried sitting up but couldn't because it seemed
like the more I moved the more pressure I
applied on my abdomen, when I hissed from
pain Sivuyisiwe was the first to jump from
where she was standing, asking me if I was
okay
Me: "Ewe, help me up toro."
Through my cries she managed to sit me on my
butt but it was a matter of seconds until it felt
like my abdomen was being squeezed or torn in
pieces so I slid lower futhi laying on my waist...
Me: "Fuck ibuhlungu lento!"
Azola: "Isn't it the affects of drinking nah
Nomtha?"
Me: "How must I bloody know Azola?"
Mama walked in looking worried as hell, I was in
pain and ngoku to have people like Azola ask
me stupid questions which I didn't have
answers to
Mama: "Hayi kaloku Nomtha, subakrwada
mntanam."
Me: "Mama ndisezintlungwini and not to have
Azola ask me ububhanxa."
Azola: "I was just concerned!"
Mama: "Azola..."
Azola looked at umama who was now shaking
her head emcenga uba ahlise umoya, she
furrowed her eyebrows before looking at me
and muttering a loud "mxm", she turned on her
heel about to storm out of the bedroom when
my phone rang, wama, wayethanda nendaba
lomntana...
"Mihle?"
Mihle: "I got hold of him, uthi in 30 to 40
minutes."
Me: "That long?"
Mihle: "Akahlali around Bellville kaloku lomn..."
Me: "Can't you do something?"
Mihle: "Ufuna ndithini Nomthandazo?"
"Ndicela uze."
He sighed before soflty muttering between
gritted teeth
"Andikho seKapa Nomthandazo."
Me: "We need you"
Mihle: "Could you stop! (Pause) Just stop it
please, ndiyakucela. uSonke uyeza to check
what the problem is and don't worry about the
fee ndizoyibhatala."
Me: "NguAphindiwe lo uhleli naye?"
He kept quiet for a while before I heard
footsteps then a door which opened, it sounded
like a sliding door and I couldn't make out if
they were at Belmar or nyani they weren't
around Cape Town, he sighed again before
saying
"Bye Nomthandazo."
Me: "Mihle?"
He hung up on me and I couldn't help the pain
which made its way through my heart, it hurt
ngoba it felt like lomntana was mine and mine
alone, he was acting like someone I had bought
the sperms from and not someone whom I was
in love with not long ago, he wasn't the man I
was smiling with not long ago and honestly
speaking
it wasn't normal, kum yayingahlali kakuhle.
Mama took the phone from my hand and placed
the back of her other hand on my forehead...
Mama: "Mntanam concentrate on getting better
uyeke into ezikwenzela intliziyo ebhlungu,
yeyon'nto ezokugulisa leyo."
Me: "He said uSonke will be here nge in 30
minutes.'
Mama: "Zama unyamezela ke sisi ade afike
logqirha"
I laid back and concentrated on this pain I was
feeling, both emotionally and physically, it was
like I was the only one apha emhlabeni who was
in such agony, I felt like at this point and time
there was no one who could compare to my
pain but ndandiyazi that no matter what karma
is a fucken bitch and eyam into ndandiyazi uba
izobuyela kum ishiye labitchikazi yandityela.
I was drifting off to sleep with the pain a little
eased when I heard voices from afar then I was
woken up, it took me time to completely rub off
the sleep from my eyes and over me hovered
Vhuvhu, mama and Sonke, he too looked like he
needed some sleep...
Sonke: "Ewe mama, but let me run some check
ups then ndizo drawer her blood ndinazise
ngomso uba inxaki yintoni."
Sivuyisiwe: "Ngoku uzokwezani?"
Me: "Check her temperature and everything
else"
Vhuvhu nodded while Sonke was unpacking his
things...
Sonke: "You were lucky bendisahleli, bendisuka
esibhedlele we had some emergency ngoku
bendingeka lali ncam.
Me: "I'm glad you came as soon as you could"
Sonke: "You should thank uMihle nobu strongo
bakhe ngoba if it were someone else
ngendiyizulisele yonke lento qha ke intagam
sounded worried"
Me: "He did?"
Sonke: "Yintwana yakho nje (pause) and the
father of the baby. How long have you been
carrying?"
Me: "I think for a month and three weeks"
Sonke: "You think?"
Me: "The month I'm sure, ziveki ezi
zindibhidayo."
He nodded before he pulled out his
ophthalmoscope and stethoschis to just my
heartbeat and other stuff which the all doctors
checked before he wrote down some notes, he
then pulled a little of my blood from my middle
finger and kept the sample so he'd work from it
ngomso to get the results when that was done
he started packing, interrogating me once
again...
"How long have you been having these
cramps?"
Me: "Ziqala namhlanje ekseni but they weren't
as bad as now"
Sonke: "Namhlanje or yesterday?"
Me: "Kunini kanti ngoku?"
Sivuyisiwe: "It's Saturday morning kaloku"
Me: "Oh snap, ixolo, I meant izolo morning but I
did manage to go to work."
Sonke: "And then? Durning the day ngakhe ukhe
uve nto?"
Me: "No until last night but they stopped so
ndalala only to be woken up by zona futhi and
ngoku they're worse than before"
He leaned forward and lifted my pyjama top and
started pressing...
"Xa ndipress(a) yona give me a sign."
I nodded and he carried on pressing until he
arrived at my further left not far from my hip,
hayi ndaxhuma sisi causing him to stop
immediately, it was shit painful. He stopped and
went back to writing something before he
addressed umama
Sonke: "Ma andizokwazi umnika nto for now
until ndiyazi what's the problem kaloku I can't
give her meds kukho umntana who feds from
her, kuqala I need to know uba through these
cramps is the baby at harm then take action
and yonke lonto you will know ngomso."
Mama: "Akhonxaki mntanam, ndiyabulela."
Sonke: "Before ndihamba let me check on more
thing, smoking of any drug substance or alcohol
ngoku sele umithi?"
Me: "I did drink but that was just a once off
thing"
Ndandixoka I had gone out and drank with
friends about four times ever since I knew I was
pregnant, at that time ndandinyiswa
yipregnancy sana, nedlela izinto zazindenzekela
ngayo so I took it out on alcohol to numb the
pain but decided to stop and collect myself
when I took a decision that I was keeping the
child.
Sonke: "Ngomso I'll come ngokwam as soon as
I can."
Me: "Alright, thanks"
Sonke: "Goodnight(ini)"
Sivuyisiwe: "Bye"
Umama walked him out and I was left in the
room with Vhuvhu, my hand placed on the part
where Sonke had pressed not long ago, I slowly
turned over so I could sleep on my side,
sleeping on my back was still hard for me and it
was something I needed to practice now
because in no time I would have no option but
to sleep on my bag...
Me: "Was uMihle really with Aphindiwe?"
Sivuyisiwe: "Except if my ears have a problem, I
swear I heard ivoice yakhe. I'm sure she was the
one who answered iphone Ka Mihle."
Me: "It must be her ngoba ngoku ndimbuzayo
akakwazanga nophendula"
Vhuvhu shrugged her shoulders before she
folded her arms over her chest
Me: "Undifunani uAphindiwe?"
Sivuyisiwe: "Hayi no Nomtha, ndicela siyiyeke
lento"
Me: "Don't you think umtyele iyeza?"
Her eyes widened a little, I know, I know, kaloku
apha ekhaya we weren't much believers of
these traditional stuff and all, it was all about
church but apha I couldn't help but think of it.
Sivuyisiwe: "Uyabona kengoku this is my queue
uba ndiyolala"
She said that walking away before umama
walked in, passing Vhuvhu by the door, they
both muttered "goodnight" to each other and
she continued walking towards me until she
was right next to the bed, she found a place to
sit before looking at me for a long while,
sympathy clear in her eyes...
Mama: "Sisi ndiyayiqonda uba you could've
never imagined yourself kule situation kodwa
ubomi mntanam busithatha busibeke apho
bufuna khona, all you need to do is be strong."
Me: "It'll pass mama, I'm just thankful that
uMihle usandihoya xa ndithetha ngomntana, I
have hope noko."
Mama: "But don't have too much of it"
Me: "Mama?"
"Yintoni?"
Me: "Encouragement noba incinci nah mfazi?"
Mama: "Hayi kaloku andifuni ube ukhathazeka
apha usixake"
Me: "Caba ndiyaxaka xa ndikhathazekile?"
Mama: "Khawulale Nomthandazo, intlungu
zinjani?"
Me: "Better but zihambe zivuke."
She nodded before covering me up to the neck
with the blanket, she placed a kiss on my
forehead and retreated to the door, at the door
wama wandijonga before switching off the
lights and closing the door, leaving me all by
myself to dwell in my thoughts, my hand was on
my tummy this whole time and I found myself
muttering
"Utata will be back baby, let's not worry, let us
just focus on staying healthy. Uzobuya."
I smiled the way through before I could feel my
eyelids closing slowly but right before I called it
a night I pulled out my phone from under my
pillpw and wrote Mihle a message, one that
wasn't too much, just three sentences to
express how I felt and what I hoped.
I pushed it back under my pillow and turned
over on my side, closed my eyes with a little bit
of some hope lingering somewhere in the
vvacancy that occupied my heart.

Aphindiwe

I was seated crossed-leg on the bed thinking

about Vhuvhu and how much shit I was in
kengoku ngoba she was definitely going to tell
her parents if babengekho naye phofu when she
called, le call yavele yandinyabisa. I was still
worried, calculating the possible outcomes zale
shit when Mihle asked...
"Uright?"
He was still on the phone call, talking to
Nomthandazo I presumed ngoba ndava xa
ebuza about bleeding
Me: "Ewe ndiright"
He nodded but his face telling me that he
wasn't buying my story, he carried on talking on
the phone and I found myself eavesdropping
kengoku. I couldn't help but wonder what he
would've done if I wasn't with him, if he was
around Belmar ke, would he have gone to see
her ngoba when he told her he wasn't around
Cape Town I assumed she asked him to come
see her. I looked at him as he made his way to
the bed and going through his contacts, he
stopped by a contact saved as Sonke and rang
the guy, while he was busy talking to this guy he
had his right hand on my lap, he
absentmindedly kept on squeezing my thigh, I
could make out from the conversation that he
wanted the guy to attend uNomthandazo. His
frustration was understandable, having lost a
baby before it was normal for him to be this
much adfected when Nomtha informed him of
not being alright and my aim was to support
him and understand him right through, only for
the sake of the baby and that's how far I was
willing to understand, anything either than that
kwakuzoliwa.
He spoke to the guy before he got back to
Nomthandazo, I don't know what it was about
Nomtha but every time he spoke to her
wayengakwazi uhlala ndawoni enye, he had to
be up or pace around the room, I looked at him
this whole time until he stopped, closed his
eyes and sighed, he looked beyond stress and
my nerves were still at peace until he headed
for the sliding door, opened it and stepped out,
he was still on the phone call but after a while
there was silence. I sat on the bed and decided
to give him some time to find composure, some
time to calm down ngova whatever it was that
he spoke to Nomthandazo about,
ndandingafuni ayikhuphele kum.
Close to two minutes or so I got up and headed
for the balcony, I couldn't wait anymore, the
more I waited the more anxious I was getting,
he was leaning on the steel rail looking straight
ahead, ndoyama ngecango and looked at him...
Me: "Uright?"
He kept quiet for some time before he turned
his head and looked at me, he nodded slowly
but it was obvious that he wasn't okay, he
returned to the position he was in before I
disturbed him. I walked up to him and ripped my
arms around his waist from the back, I placed
my head on his back and allowed the silence to
play its role ngoba that's what he was doing
before I got here but I later couldn't handle it
because I was only dressed in one item, my
panties
'Uzobaright nhe?"
Mihle: "huh?"
Me: "Ndiyagodola so bendibuza if I leave you all
by yourself uzobaright nah?"
He turned and looked at me through narrowed
eyes, that's what he did whenever he was
anything else but happy
Mihle: "Go to my bag and search for my grey
Barbour jacket, uzondihlalisa"
Me: "Lena yaseMarkhams"
He nodded and I went back inside, just when I
was searching for his jacket he walked in and I
thought wayezothi mandiyeke but he just
grabbed the 11/2 yard chair and went back to
the balcony, I pulled out the jacket and wore it
even though it didn't cover half of my legs it
was do-able, I retreated back outside.
I found my dearest man ehleli on that chair, his
legs placed on the steel rail wide open, he
looked at before dropping on leg and patting his
lap, I walked over to him and positioned myself
between his legs, looking at him, his face
changed from him chewing his lower lip to
smiling...
"Iyakufanela le jacket."
Me: "Awurhaleli undipha yona?"
Mihle: "I'll buy eyakho."
I turned around and sat on his waist, he groaned
lowly when I placed my ass on him,
embarrassed because I was aware uba
ndenzeni I moved a little, right when I was
leaning on him staring at the sky like he was
doing, he encircled his arms around my waist
and kissed my shoulder. We sat in that position
quiet until he said
"Ubuyifundile iGeography?"
Me: "Ewe"
Mihle: "Educate me ke baby, yeyiphi
lankwenkwezi?"
Me: "Hayi hayi kaloku tshini."
Mihle: "Which symbol did you get?"
Me: "B"
Mihle: "Then you must know, sesiphi esiyana?"
When I didn't answer he bit my shoulder
causing me to flinch, when tried jumping off he
tightened his hold on me and pressed his
canines deeper on my skin, I screamed and he
pulled back, ndajika and started smacking his
chest, he struggled his way through trying to
hold my hands, when he did finally hold my
wrists he couldn't stop laughing...
Me: "Unentlonti kodwa wena baby, ha.a shame."
Mihle: "(chuckles) Uqumbile kengoku?"
Me: "Ewe, undilume kabuhlungu"
Mihle: "Xolo kaloku Phindi wam"
Me: "Sele ndifuna noyolala kemna ngoku."
He moved his hands up to my armpits and
started tackling, once again I was kicking,
laughing and screaming on his lap and when my
stomach started to hurt I screamed even louder
causing him to stop, wandijika and looked at
me...
"Bazothi ndikwenz'ntoni abantu abalapha enext
door?"
Me: "(giggles) bazothi uyandinyumbaza."
He chuckled and brought me close, he took my
earlope in his mouth, sucked on it before he
placed a long kiss on my shoulder and
squeezing his hold on me, I laid my head on his
shoulder and sniffed on his cologne.

As I was laying on him, I kept on glancing up at

his chin and he was quiet this whole time, in his
world and thoughts, my thumb was drawing
circles on the exposed part of his neck and I
couldn't help but look at his Adam's apple every
time he swallowed. There was nothing I didn't
find attractive about this man and at times I
always found myself mentally saying "if this is
how Nomthandazo loved and valued him then I
understood why she hated me" he was
something to keep regardless his obstacles.
118th Entry

Asanda

Back in Port Elizabeth and things weren't going

so well mntaka mama, there were plenty of
reasons for yonke lento and the biggest of them
all was bhuti Olwethu who got arrested not so
long ago, it was devastating ngoba we didn't
know the reason behind his arrest but all we do
know is wayese jail as we talking and his trial
would begin in no time. So here I was, ndihleli
apha kwaBhuti Olwethu with mama, Yandisani,
Makazi and Bhuti Olwethu's girlfriend, uBuhle,
mama was talking on the phone organizing a
lawyer even though Bhuti said he doesn't need
one, he acted calm izolo when we went to see
him, it was as though wayezazi uba uzophuma
but to us it wasn't that easy shame, ijail is a life
destroyer for anybody, no matter how strong
one is. With ubhuti behind bars I was bound to
face many problems shame ngoba this man
provided shelter for me, he fed me, paid for my
fees ngoku xa engekho my life was going to be
on pause and by my life I meant education and
everything else, I was worried ngoba I didn't see
myself dropping out sele ndikwi second year
and ndandiyazi the reasons behind Bhuti
Olwethu supplying for my fees was because
umama couldn't and you'd learn later why.
Saturday afternoon never felt this depressing
before until lona wanamhlanje, 11th of March
and instead of worrying about incomplete
assignments and due dates for school I was
worried about ubhuti.
I took my phone and opened my WhatsApp, I
wanted to tell Aphindiwe about what happened
ngoba izolo when it did happen I got distracted
and couldn't tell her, so now I stepped outside
and dialed her number when I saw uba
akaphenduli ku WhatsApp, she didn't pick up
when I tried her kuqala but when I did again she
answered....
Me: "Aphish"
"Hey."
Okay let me correct myself, he answered
Me: "Hello bhuti, ndicela umnikazi wephone"
This guy whom I assumed was Mihle called out
on her, he addressed her as Phindi and I
couldn't help but smile ngoba it was ridiculous
how fast they were moving, I heard her ask him
"ngubani?" but he didn't answer ngoba kaloku I
didn't hear any husky voice speak after that...
Aphindiwe: "Owner of the phone?"
Me: "Aphish"
Aphindiwe: "Sasa, unjani mntase?"
Me: "Andikho right"
Aphindiwe: "What's wrong?"
She whispered that ke sana and that's what she
always did when she was either shocked, hurt
or angry, wayengakhwazi kwa wena ke shame
umntasekhaya so I didn't expect her to
Me: "Ubhuti ubanjiwe"
Aphindiwe: "Ubanjiwe? Umphi ubhuti?"
Me: "Bhut'Olwethu."
Aphindiwe: "What? Kwenzekeni?"
Me: "Andazi, izolo kuvele kwaza amapolisa
apha in the evening and took him away,
namhlanje ekseni siye sayombona and he looks
okay"
Aphindiwe: "Obvious uzobangathi uright,
uyamazi ubhuti uba unjani."
Me: "(sighs) uhlala ezenza umntu otough kaloku
ubhuti."
Aphindiwe: "Exactly"
Me: "Haike sana so yilonto."
Aphindiwe: "So uhleli nabani wena?"
Me: "Mama, makazi, Yandisani and sis'Buhle"
Aphindiwe: "Oh babuyile"
Me: "Ewe, bafike namhlanje."
She kept quiet for a while before giggling,
saying "hayi" about four times before she got
back to me...
"So uzokwenza njani Sasa?"
Me: "Andazi, andazi nyani mntase ngoba ngoku
umama uphethwe sis'stress shame ngoba
kaloku even though ubhuti has savings they
aren't for my studies and ngoku funeke
kubhatalwe his lawyer."
Aphindiwe: "It's fucked up.'
Me: "Fucken fucked up"
Aphindiwe: "But there's gotta be a way"
I sighed because mna I wasn't fully informed
ngento zika mama or bhuti, kwakusazi bona
Me: "Anyway ndiyevha uba uhleli nendoda"
Aphindiwe: "(laughs) haisoka wena. We at the
hotel"
Me: "Nide niyiphumele aba out lento yenu, rha
uyayithanda incanca."
Aphindiwe: "Nope babe bendingafuni uza mna
but he insisted shame so ke I came"
Me: "Aren't y'all together kanti?"
Aphindiwe: "No, it's a trip with his boys and so
forth."
Me: "Uthi uhleli nebig guns sisi, nendoda
yomntu. Rha uyandiralisa, ndifuna udla lo life
nawe."
Aphindiwe: "Yiza baby, ndingatyeba uba ungeza
apha."
Me: "Haisoka ngoku ufat kanje kaka yomntana,
ndikubone pha ku Facebook"
Aphindiwe: "I'm happy babe"
Me: "Hayi, I need myself a man too shame."
Aphindiwe: "Mxm khawuyeke ugeza Sasa, he
comes with a lot of baggage."
Me: "Inintsi nyani but good dick, great looks,
perfect financially, mgcine mntase."
Aphindiwe: "Oko wawunje, awudiki (giggles)
khawuze ekapa man"
Me: "Singafundi xa ndifika apho, in your
dreams"
Aphindiwe: "Asinofunda nyani, indlela le uba
crazy ngayo xa ndikhona"
Me: "(laughs) uyinxaki sisi"
Aphindiwe: "Awunothetha lonto."
Me: "(giggles) hayi baby, khame ndikuyeke udle
lolife yakho nalo hunk yakho"
Aphindiwe: "Bye baby. Jonga keep me updated
ngalento ka bhuti"
Me: "Will do"
Aphindiwe: "I love you ke mntase."
"Love you too fat ass diva."
Aphindiwe: "Tsek!"
Me: "Bye"
I hung up with a smile on my face, I missed her
shame, every time I spoke to her I missed the
few moments we spent together, how she
always found a way of making two minutes
seem like a life time when you were with her,
she always made those who she loves feel
appreciated and wanted and
ndandimkhumbulela ezonto, it was just a pity
that utamnci didn't want her anywhere near us.
I went back inside the house and found Buhle
looking worried as hell, there was a lot losisi
knew but she wasn't telling oomama everything
and it was frustrating. I sat across makazi on
the couch and began playing with my fingers,
umakazi being makazi wayengayeke ukhuza
and Yandisani seemed relieved ngoba
according to him the "perfect son" messed up
and it was what he wanted after all because he
felt like he wasn't praised enough, it was
annoying because all her cared for was himself
wayengayi hoyanga lena yoba our elder brother
was behind bars.
Makazi: "YeAsanda uthi wenza unyaka
wes'ngaphi?"
Me: "Second year"
Makazi: "Kengoku sizokwenzani njani sisi
ngalento yalomntana."
Mama: "Bendisacinga ngalonto, uOlwethu uthe
namhlanje ekseni sizothetha."
Makazi: "Thixo wam, hayi nabo ooOlwethu"
She said that clapping her hands and right now
it was my queue to excuse myself and head to
my room, once umakazi starts clapping her
hands and akhuze oluhlobo there was going to
be a problem, so I headed to my room and
chatted the way through on WhatsApp, I wanted
to go out so badly with my friends but with my
mother here and this going on there was no way
they'd let me, so I just entertained myself
ngephone yam until I fell asleep.
I was praying that whatever got ubhuti behind
bars wasn't bad enough to keep him there, to
me he was like a father and there was more
than just one thing I wouldn't be able to do if he
was sentenced.

Aphindiwe

After that phone call with Sasa I stood for a

little while at the balcony thinking of lamasikizi
Sasa just told me, there was a lot I was thinking
about ngoku and the what ifs I had in mind
found a way to bring anxiety in the most
inappropriate kind of way.
I was still dwelling in my thoughts when Mihle
called me, I peeped from the door ndamjonga,
he was crushing weed preparing it for a joint or
two...
"Uright?"
Me: "Yep (pause) just that ndigqibovha some
not so good news"
He looked up at me and stopped what he was
doing, the change of his facial expressions
didn't go unnoticed to me...
Mihle: "Yintoni inxaki?"
Me: "Bhuti wam got arrested."
Mihle: "Bhuti wakho?"
Me: "Ewe mntana ka makazi, he's more like a
brother to me"
Mihle: "Kwenzekeni?"
I shrugged my shoulders as I made my way to
the bed and found a place to sit next to him
Me: "And the sad part, he was supplying for
umntanasekhaya
Mihle: "Uhlala phi?"
Me: "eBhayi (long pause) it's frustrating man,
he's like the head of my mother's family,
without him a lot can go wrong."
I groaned as I laid on my back, staring at the
ceiling, Mihle had gone back to crushing and
was quiet this whole time, when I groaned again
he turned and looked at me between narrowed
eyes
Mihle: "What does your brother do?"
Me: 'Ebesebenza kwa mas'pala, that's all I
know."
Mihle: "I could find a way to help through qha I
need to know uba wenzeni and ngubani"
Me: "You can help?"
Mihle: "Only if I get information kaloku Phindi"
I sat up and looked at this man, yayingathi
andiyifa kakuhle lento ayithethayo
Me: "Information ngantoni kaloku babe?"
Mihle: "Information on what he has done, uba
usebenzaphi and his name"
Me: "Ngu Olwethu Bele babe"
Mihle: "Jonga phopho, find out what his arrest
is about then I'll help"
Me: "How will you help?"
He averted his look from me back to the
crusher which he was now emptying
"Akho sidingo soba uyazi leyo."
Me: "Oh"
Mihle: "Andikuphoxi love but sthandwa sam,
akho sidingo nyani, just get me your brother's
information evha."
He got up and kissed my forehead before he
walked over to the table and leaed on it while
concentrating on the joint he was rolling, he had
his eyebrows furrowed at the zig zag razlor he
was rolling, I was indulging this moment, taking
in his figure and how his defined muscles
moved every time he shifted or made a move of
some sort. He was now at his second joint,
rolling it peacefully when something crossed
my mind and yayingazokwazi ulinda...
Me: "I need imorning after pills."
He snapped his head up at and looked at me, I
stared back at him with the same confused
face he had on before I spoke
"We didn't use iprotection izolo."
Mihle: "Aren't you on contraceptives?"
Me: "No."
He looked at his wrist before telling me to get
his cellphone from the bed, it had no password
so I unlocked it and looked for Bulelani's
number as he asked me to...
Me: "Ubhale bani kuBulelani?"
Mihle: "Bhuda"
I searched for B and found him, I walked
towards Mihle and stood on his side holding the
phone up his ear...
Mihle: "Groot man."
"Ja, jonga bhuda ndicela undifunele laway ka
Nkulie phaya ePharmacy (laughs) hayi, iyanyisa
groot man (pause) sure bhuda."
When he signalled that he was done I removed
the phone and placed it on the table behind him
Mihle: "It takes how long to work kanene
laway?"
Me: "72 hours."
He nodded before looking at me from head to
toe, I shrugged my shoulders in a form of
asking him what was the problem, he slolwy
shook his head before placing the things he had
in his hands down on the table
Mihle: "Don't you want kids?"
Me: "Haibo why you asking lonto?"
Mile: "Phendula"
Me: "Why loquestion out of all questions
kodwa?"
Mihle: "Okay yeka."
Me: "Okay andazi ke"
He was heading to the balcony, joint held in
between his lips when he stopped in his strides
and looked at me...
"Awazi?"
Me: "Ewe, I'm not sure if I want kids (pause)
inxaki yam andinabubele ncam, more especially
kubantwana."
Mihle: "So awubafuni at all?"
Me: "I don't know."
He stood straight at the sliding in his white
socks and lit the joint, he pulled for a long time
before withdrawing it from his lips
"You'd make a great mother."
Me: "Uyazelaphi lonto?"
Mihle: "Ndiyakubona"
I walked over to where he was standing, instead
of staying put there he stepped out and headed
for the steel rail woyama ngaso and looked at
me before passing his gaze to the joint
Me: "Wena uyabafuna abantwana?"
Mihle: "Plenty qha andina lucky yabo"
Me: "How many is plenty?"
I couldn't help but giggle when he lifted his left
hand and started counting, when he arrived ku
five and seemed to carry on ndakhamisa...
"About six or seven."
Me: "That's a little bit too much.
Mihle: "Utsho uba awuzokwazi undizalela
abangako wena?"
Me: "Awutsho noba one or two. Seven is a lot
babe."
Mihle: "A lot for bani?"
Me: "For me, for you. For us."
He smiled after I mentioned the us word, I love
how he always wanted us to address ourselves
as a team
Mihle: "If I can feed them abekho too much"
Me: "Mhhhh."
He turned around and leaned on the steel rail
with his forearms, I watched him for quite some
time and right when I was about to step in he
called my name
Me: "Ewe"
Mihle: "Skyf?"
I giggled and looked at him, when he turned
around wavele wancuma nje qha by looking at
my face, I do not know if I was blushing or
smiling from embarrassment but I do know I
was doing on of the two, he cocked a brow
waiting for me to answer him, instead of talking
I walked up to him and extended my hand to
take the joint from his, he handed it over to me
and watched me clearly
Me: "Hayi sundijonga kanjalo, undenzela
intloni."
Mihle: "I just wanna see this"
He narrowed his eyes and didn't dear to move
them from my face when I brought the blank up
to my mouth, he was studying every move I was
doing and when I puffed out the air without
coughing he chuckled...
"Boss lady."
Me: "Ndiyiqhelile"
Mihle: "Ndibona lonto."
He allowed me to finish off that blank before he
went back inside wabuya ephethe the red Halls,
he handed me one before standing behind me
with his hands around my waist, I had to stand
on my tippy toes the whole just so he wouldn't
struggle reaching my waist but he was helping
me too by bending a little.
I began humming a song, Dance For You by
Beyoncè to be specific and I kept on climbing
on steel rail looking down at the pool which was
visible from our balcony, I only realized what I
was doing when he dug his fingers deep on my
waist, about to turn and ask uba ndenzeni he
moved away, I turned around slowly and looked
at him, my gaze running between his boner and
face
Me: "Uxolo"
Mihle: "That wasn't nice."
I giggled before I reached out and touched his
hand, he looked at me while I was looking at
gks dimple which showed every time he turned
the Halls in his mouth, he brought our hands to
his mouth and kissed mine but still looking at
my face, forehead to be specific
Me: "Ujonga ntoni?"
Mihle: "This scar."
He ran his finger over the scar which was now
fading
Mihle: "I can imagine if besilapha"
He placed his finger in between my eyes and
drew a line to the middle of my forehead
Me: "Fuck no, ngendimbi."
He chuckled before dragging me inside, I was
still standing when he threw himself on the bed
and placed a pile of pillows against the
headboard and laid on them with the remote in
his hands, I climbed on the bed positioning
myself between his legs, facing the television.
He took his time searching through the
channels while I was thinking uba inoba
babesenzani abanye, they insisted we go braai
kodwa me and my man told them uba inyama
bazoyizisa apha eroomini yethu ngoba we not
going anywhere but we weren't the only ones
who didn't go, a couple of guys complained
about being hangovered so bathi abazokwazi
uhamba.
Mihle was busy typing on his phone while I was
watching the movie which he had selected, it
was some John Wick movie and yayimnandi, as
a result I didn't once move my eyes from the TV
screen even when there was a knock at our
door. Wahlala sana umntu wam and nam ke I
didn't move, heading to the door would cause
me to miss out on a lot. The person knocked
again...
Me: 'Baby kha'uye please."
He muttered something under his breathe
about uthuma before he got off the bed and
went for the door, uyathanda umbhombozela
lobhuti. I moved up and sat where he was
sitting, I heard him talk about how we'll be here
the whole day and I knew it was iroom service,
not cleaning this once wouldn't kill, we were
leaving anyway ngomso so for mabasiyeke. He
returned and sat ngalandlela bendihleli ngayo
but in between my legs, he took his phone from
where he had left it wavula uWhatsApp,
lendawo ndihleli kuyo was a problem because I
could see everything from his cell phone screen
and I figured that ndathi ndojonga just once, I
couldn't stop looking kengoku. His recent chats
were all females and they were just two guys,
my name wasn't there and I didn't expect it to
be when we were together this whole time but it
kind of made me wish it was there nakanjani.
I was losing focus on the movie because I was
now concentrated on something which wasn't
my concern, when he stopped typing but didn't
minimize WhatsApp I quickly threw my gaze to
the television, he was looking at that too but for
just a short time because he went back to
typing. I was looking at the TV, debating with
my mind not to trick my eyes into looking futhi
but the human brain doing what it does best, I
failed ngoba I ended up looking and just when I
was about to move my eyes from his cellphone
wangena kwi contact ebhalwe 'Mambhele', he
waited for her to finish typing, ithe imessage
ingena I was ready to read too. He responded to
that and every time he typed my heart beat
quickened, frightened by his response but
ndambona uba he was keeping it cool and
sticking to the baby topic until she sent
"I miss you. We need you Fhaku."
He looked at the screen for quiet some time
before typing, when he was half way through he
deleted that and typed again but ended up
deleting naleyo and then his answer which he
did send was, "I'll come see you" and that was
enough to make me look away. Uyayazi lanto
which just changes your mood instantly and
you can't help but think of all the possible
reason why he'd say that, kwakusenzika lonto
apha kum, I found myself asking why is it that
he never left her name, it was most probably
what they did, when she sends him a message
right after being delivered he reads it and
responds, she does the same because ever
since I was looking there was never a time his
text didn't go blue immediately after he'd sent it.
After some time ndijonge itv, I swear if you
asked me what I've been watching the past four
minutes I wouldn't tell you because my mind
was all over the place, I don't even know when
he had stopped typing on his phone but when I
looked at him I saw uba wayesele ejonge itv
and not his cellphone anymore...
Me: "Ndicela ubhekele"
He tilted his head and looked up at me, he
turned on his elbows wandijonga
Me: "I want to sleep, ndinentloko."
Mihle: "Uyazifuna ipainkillers?"
Me: "Hayi ndifuna ulala."
Wandijonga before he lowered his head and
kissed my punani over the cotton shorts I was
wearing, when he began biting it seductively I
tried covering it with my hand but he fought me
anyway, I couldn't help the giggles which were
making their way out of my mouth ngoba what
he was doing was ticklish in some sort of way.
He pulled back from in between my legs and
placed his hands on each of my sides, he
balanced carrying himself up until he was
hovering over me, without asking he lowered
only his head and crashed his lips on mine, I
accepted them with the same passion he was
kissing me with. The space between our bodies
was irritating me because our kiss was heating
up and I could imagine what our bodies would
have felt like if they were against each other, so
I lifted my waist from the mattress in hope that
I'd meet his half way but instead of his waist,
his hand found its way under my shorts, my
breathing was insane more especially after he
shifted my panties to the side. He pulled back
from the kiss and watched me, I waited for
finger to make its way in me, mntaka somnci
you understand what happens to your body
when you're turned on, xa umlindile ade ayifaka
but he takes his time so ibengathi ungazifakela
ngokwakho, that's what was happening to me
ngoba instead of pushing his finger in me he
placed it right on the whole and watched me,
wandibuka lobhuti ninani.
He licked his lips with his eyes still on me, I
slowly closed mine when I felt the pressure his
two fingers were making on my punani, he
pushed them in slowly and right when they
made their way in, my bottom lip between my
teeth, he stopped and kept still causing me to
open my eyes and listen attentively too, outside
there were loud voices and laughs approaching
and they seemed closer than ever, eka Bulelani I
could hear clearly. He turned and looked at me
encumile before he lowered his head and found
my ear, he simultaneously pushed his fingers in
while he whispered...
"They'll have to wait for us."
I let out a low scream as he began to pull and
push them in and out off, there was the first
knock asayihoya, he carried on doing what he
was doing, sucking on the skin below my ear
and on my neck, I was digging my fingers on his
back now and when he pushed in his thumb in
my pussy and middle finger in my anus I
moaned, louder than I should have. He stopped
when the forth or fifth knock came and it was
louder this time...
'Okay sharp! Ndiyeza!'
Bulelani: "Fuck off kwedini, akamiswa phandle
ixesha elingaka umntumdala'mdala!"

He fixed my shorts and vest before placing a

kiss on my nose then lips, he then jumped off
the bed and headed for the door, leaving me on
that bed to try and fix myself, even though my
body was screaming for him, that lump was still
growing on my throat every time when I thought
about why he'd want to go see Nomthandazo
and I didn't have it in me to ask him ngoba he'd
demand an explanation about why I was looking
in the first place.
Bulelani stepped in, not alone but with half of
the people we came with apha bephethe
cardboard trays of braaied meat and cold drinks,
you'd swear they were drunk indlela lena
babengxola ngayo, Bianca was amongst the
crowd and I wasn't planning on being nasty in
any way, I dealt with my man, confronted him
sadlula kulonto. Bulelani threw me with the
brown back he was carrying from the pharmacy
and knowing what it was I excused myself to
the bathroom to have a glass of water phaya
ndizokwazi usela ezi pills. I stepped out of the
bathroom and noticed that others were leaving
our room, there were a few left inside with my
Mihle who was seated on the bed, tying the
shoelaces of his black and white Adidas NMD
sneakers, he looked at me...
"Nxibe ezihlangu Phopho wam."
Me: "Siyaphi?"
Mihle: "Down by the swimming pool porch
I sat next to him as I got busy with my
shoelaces, I actually thought he'd talk about me
not having a bra on but he just looked at me
and instead of saying anything he watched me
as I put on la wrist watch yakhe which I took
from him before we were officoal when I was
done I looked at him and noticed uba we were
left alone in the room, other voices were
retreated at the hallway of the hotel heading to
the elevators. We walked out after grabbing
what we'd need including our cellphones, at the
hallway we saw the crowd, I couldn't address
them as my friends because they weren't
maybe uMihle saw them as his friends, we were
holding hands as we approached the crowd,
wajika uBulelani and shouted, causing
everybody to turn around and look at us...
Bulelani: "Niyasinyisa ngoku!"
Keagan: "It's a shorts day huh?"
Mihle showed Keagan his middle finger, they
started tackling each other, being playful like
always. We arrived downstairs in two different
loads, I was in the second load of course with
the rest of those who were left nathi,
downstairs kwakuphole way more than it was
kwi rooms zethu and it was the better place to
be, Lolly and Sinalo were in their bikinis ready to
swim.
It was over thirty minutes siphaya, eating the
meat which was now cold, yayinintsi inxaki so
we couldn't finish it, I guess it was clear that I
wasn't here mentally because uMihle dragged
the beach chair he was seated on and brought it
closer to me...
"Uright?"
Me: "Ewe"
Mihle: "You lying to me, yontoni?"
Me: "Akhonto"
He looked at me with narrowed eyes before
sipping on the glass with Guava juice he had in
his hand, he cocked his brow before talking
"Baby (pause) I work with communication, xa
usiva into or kukho into ongayithandiyo I want
you to talk to me."
Me: "What you feeling guilty about?"
Mihle: "(chuckles) I'm more worried than guilty
cause ndiyakubona uba awukh'right."
Me: "I'm okay qha ndinentloko."
He looked at me for a long time before getting
up, I didn't let go of his hand which I was
holding
Me: "Uyaphi?"
Mihle: "To fetch you ipilisi zentloko."
I faked a smile before letting go of his hand and
watch him walk off.
I was going to tell him when he returned, he
spoke about communication so it was better to
ask than assume but I was just hoping he does
notnt lie.
119th Entry

Mihle

As we were gathered at the swimming pool

porch, drinking and having the braaied, I
manage to notice that ubaby wam wasn't okay,
she hadn't said much since we got here, aware
that Bulelani, Drew, Keagan and myself were the
only people she was comfortable around, the
only people wayethetha nabo but knowing that I
didn't approve kulento yakhe noAndrew, I'd say
we three were the only she could have a decent
chat with and here we were and she hadn't said
a word to any of us, wayephendula le
siyithethayo and that's that. I was sitting kule
bench chatting to Keagan about our problems
and I was planning on talking to him about
many other stuff including le kaNosipho into
because even though he stopped working with
me, he still remained my spy man and I got
along with him because he kept his word, that's
why I tolerated even his biggest bullshit at time.
I glanced at my woman who was sitting kule
bench iphambi kwam, she wasn't drinking the
Mango juice she had in her hand, the glass was
still full like I had given it to her and she was
staring afar as if uyacinga...
"Bra I'll get back to you, my vrou lyk lekker nie."
Keagan: "Wat is fout met haa' "
Me: "Ek weet nie."
Keagan: "Djy messed up weer"
I got up and shuffled his fade before dragging
the chair so I was close enough to Aphindiwe,
she looked at me as I sat in front of her, our
knees almost touching...
"Uright?"
Aphindiwe: "Ewe"
She was lying to me, it was obvious, ndiyavuma
uba I didn't know her too well but when she
wasn't okay it was clear to see, she couldn't
hide leyo iinto
Me: "You lying to me, yontoni?
Aphindiwe: "Akhonto."
I looked at me with narrowed eyes before
sipping on the glass with Guava juice I had in
my hand, she was annoying me because I
wasn't expecting her to play hide ad sick nam
about the way she felt, we are adults so I
expected her to talk to me...
Me: "Baby (pause) I work with communication,
xa usiva into or kukho into ongayithandiyo I
want you to talk to me."
Aphindiwe: "What you feeling guilty about?"
I chuckled because that right there sold it out, it
was either something I did or I said which was
making her this sour and now she expected me
to feel guilty about it but the problem was I
couldn't think of anything wrong I've done so
ndandingayazi
Me: "(chuckles) I'm more worried than guilty
cause ndiyakubona uba awukh'right."
Aphindiwe: "I'm okay qha ndinentloko"
I looked at her for a long time before getting up,
she was holding my hand this whole time and
didn't let go of it as I stood up, instead she
questioned
"Uyaphi?"
Me: "To fetch you ipilisi zentloko."
She smiled at me and I wasn't buying that smile
nor the story of having a headache and it was
sickening kum yonke lento because I hated
silent treatment more than anything and that is
exactly what she was giving me. I made it to the
bedroom and took igrandpa from my toiletry
bag ndayifaka in my pockets, I also took my
wallet because I was planning on getting her a
bottle of water at the bar before I left the room I
decided to make a quick phone call to
Nomthandazo and check up on her as well as
the results. When I rang her number, Azola was
the one to answer her phone...
Me: "Hey, sure Azo, uphi uNomtha (Hey, sure
Azo, where's Nomtha)"
Azola: "I think ulele."
Me: "Uzile uSonke apho? (Did Sonke come
there)"
Azola: "Uhm who's Sonke?"
Me: "The doctor"
Azola: "Oh ewe uye weza bhuti. (Oh yes he
came bhuti)"
Me: "Please wake up uNomtha if ulele, I need to
know about iresults"
"Okay" was what she said before I heard
footsteps and a door opening, I heard
Nomthandazo's voice at the back and indeed
she sounded like wayelele
"Hello."
Me: "Hey, Mambhele"
Nomthandazo: "Hey babe, unjani?"
Me: "I'm okay, wena unjani?"
Nomthandazo: "I've had better days"
Me: "Zinjani icramps? Utheni uSonke? (how are
the cramps? What did Sonke say?)"
There was some movement and I waited for her
to finish what she was doing before she got
back to me
"Uthe they're cramps from a substance I used."
Me: "Which is?"
Wathula and I tried staying calm, I didn't want to
lose my cool, not apha
"Nomthandazo what kind of substance did you
use?"
Nomthandazo: "Alcohol"
Me: "And how's my baby?"
Nomthandazo: "It's my baby too okay!"
Me: "Unjani umntanam?! (how's my baby)"
Nomthandazo: "Akenzakalanga, uright (The
baby isn't harmed. He/she's fine)"
I closed my eyes and sighed before getting
back to her, I tried staying calm so ndathethela
phantsi (lowered my voice)
"I need you to understand me clearly
Nomthandazo, asizokwazi uswelekilwa
nangulona umntana (we can't lose this baby
too)."
She kept quiet for a very long time and I knew
she was still on the line because I could hear
her breathing and sniffing
Nomthandazo: "We won:t lose her."
Me: "(chuckles) uyazinjani uba it's a girl"
Nomthandazo: "I can feel it."
Me: "It's a boy ke."
Nomthandazo: "(giggles) you said that the first
time and it turned out to be a girl"
Me: "I can't produce a girl twice."
She giggled once again and I could picture her
face when she's got that smile on her face
which she showed half of the time to the whole
world as though she didn't have any problems
but she knew it didn't work kum because I could
see through her
Me: "Jonga I gotta go"
Nomthandazo: "Already?"
Me: "Ewe"
Nomthandazo: "When you returning eBelmar"
Me: "Ngomso."
Nomthandazo: "Are you out noAphindiwe"
Me: "I didn't call to talk about lonto."
Nomthandazo: "Please just tell me"
Me: "Then kuzokwenzekani xa ndikuxelele?
(then what will you if I do tell you?)"
Nomthandazo: "Nothing"
Me: "Then akho sizathu soba ndikuxel... (I see
now reason to tell you then)"
"Please Mihle."
I took my time in answering this, I knew she
wouldn't beg me this much if she wasn't
planning on using it on the longer run and it
wasn't myself I was worried about, it was
Aphindiwe
Me: "No, I'm not with Aphindiwe"
Nomthandazo: "Oh (pause) okay ke"
Me: "Bye. I'll see you xa ndizokubona (when I
come see you)"
Nomthandazo: "When will that be?"
Me: "Tuesday"
Nomthandazo: "Alright"
I could tell she didn't want to end the
conversation but I had no other option
"Gotta go."
Nomthandazo: "Ndiyakuthanda Nyawuza."
Me: "Take care"
I was on my way to the elevator when I ended
the conversation with her, my mind was now on
her drinking problem, I needed to talk to her to
plead her that if ever anything makes her lose
her temper during the pregnancy, which will
happen often, could she find something else to
help her distress either than alcohol. I was
praying that from all these cravings that women
get when pregnant she would hate alcohol until
she gives birth ngoba lento yakhe was stressful,
there was no way I'd be able to cope if I would
lose this baby, I don't know how I'd be able to
cope.
I arrived downstairs and attended the bar first
before I headed out, when I stepped outside and
was walking towards where the guys and ladies
were chilling I noticed that Keagan and Andrew
were having a chat with Phindi and she seemed
happy ngoba wayencumile (because she was
smiling) so yayindim lo ungathethiswayo (so it
me whom she wasn't talking to).
For some reason seeing Andrew talk to her
didn't tick me off and I believe it was because of
Keagan being around them, I trusted him...
Me: "I'm back"
She looked up at me before looking at Andrew,
I'm sure she thought I was going to blow and
throw a fuss but instead I found a seat next to
her and handed her the bottle of water before
searching my pockets for the grandpa
Aphindiwe: "Thanks"
Me: "Nincokola ngantoni? (What are y'all
chatting about?)"
Aphindiwe: "Keagan uyandiphikisa (Keagan is
disagreeing with me)"
Keagan: "What's that?"
Me: Uyandiphikisa, he says there's no way
umntu unempundi njengam angakwazi
utwerk(a) (he says there no way someone with
an ass like mine can't twerk.)"
Me: 'So wena K ntwana ndini, you're looking at
the size of my lady's ass"
Keagan: "Dis fucken natural brada, I didn't plan
it"
Me: "Sy mos loose klere untrek."
Andrew nodded getting up, I didn't expect him
to participate in the conversation but he did
anyway
"Sy moet. It would be better that way, keep
them vultures meters away."
I looked at him, when he walked pass me he
patted my shoulder and Keagan followed
behind him beyohlala where the others were
gathered, I turned my attention to my lady...
Me: "Yintoni ngoku? (What is it now?)"
Aphindiwe: "Imbi lento (this tastes awful)"
She kept on pulling faces and sipping on the
bottle every now and then
Me: "It would work xa usela amanzi oko."
When she was about to sip from the bottle
again I grabbed the bottle from her and she
closed her eyes still pulling a face, after a few
seconds she opened her eyes and looked at me,
when I moved forward to kiss her forehead she
surprised me by pulling back, ndamjonga...
Aphindiwe: "There's something I need us to talk
about"
Me: "Ahha, ndimamele (I'm listening)"
I placed my empty glass on the floor and looked
at her, she had this serious face on before she
giggled covering her eyes with her hands, I
removed them from her face and looked at her
with a cocked brow
"Thetha kaloku Phindi."
Aphindiwe: "Uhm I don't know how to address it
kodwa I know andiyithandanga (I didn't love it)"
I nodded and waited for her to continue, which
obviously she took her time
Aphindiwe: "I saw your text no...noNom..."
I narrowed my eyes at her because I could hear
where this whole conversation was going
"Okay yeka."
Me: "No thetha, I want to hear this. You saw my
conversation noNomthandazo kwathini?"
She looked at me and swallowed before looking
at the bottle of water she was carrying, I
prevented myself from smiling even though I
wanted to, she was fucken cute when nervous
but I wanted to hear this and the only way was
to keep the face I had on. She spoke still
looking at the bottle in her hands
"Inxaki when you were laying on my lap I over
peeped on your WhatsApp and couldn't keep
my eyes off when you texted her, I'm sorry."
Me: "So ubufuna uthetha ngantoni? (So what
did you want to talk about)"
She slowly looked up at me, with a confused
look of course and I wasn't about to explain
myself to her, she wasn't done getting her point
across
Aphindiwe: "You know what you said to her."
Me: "What did I say to her?"
Aphindiwe: "Uthe uzombona (you said you'd see
her)"
I chuckled before looking away from her, I
chuckled again because the more I replayed
what she just said to me, in my mind, the more
ridiculous it sounded, I returnedy gaze to her
chewing on my bottom lip, I had my eyes
narrowed at her
Me: "So ikhona inxaki with me seeing her? (So is
there a problem with me seeing her?)"
Aphindiwe: "You tell me"
Me: "I'm asking you, you the one who brought
up lekaka mos so tell me."
She raised her eyebrows at me, she was
catching an attitude with me, wawusiva kwa
indlela le athetha ngayo
Aphindiwe: "There's no need to be rude."
Me: "Andikho rude, I'm asking uba ikhona nah
inxaki xa ndiyobona uNomthandazo? (I'm not
being rude, I'm asking if is there a problem if I
do go see Nomthandazo?)"
Aphindiwe: "Never mind."
She said that attempting on getting back but I
quickly grabbed her hand and dragged her back
down, she sat down on the bench, roughly of
course before she looked at me with furrowed
eyebrows and I could tell she holding back the
hurt<
Me: "I need you to listen and listen attentively
Aphindiwe, uNomthandazo is carrying my baby,
ndizombon until that child is born, ndizombona
until I get child custody for umntanam and I'm
not expecting to be questioned ngalonto. I
haven't given you any reason not to trust me
(pause) self-insecurity turns me off baby and I
don't want you there."
She kept quiet and I knew it had sunk in, I
honestly didn't want to fight with her but I
wanted her to know uba I was going to see
Nomthandazo. She kept quiet for a long while
that it bothered me, she wasn't even looking at
me so I held her chin and tilted her head, she
closed her eyes, wayengafuni undijonga so I
placed a wet kiss on her lips before standing up,
only then she looked at me, I stared back at her
before she looked away once again
Me: "Think about what I just said but do know
that I'm not going to allow you to sleep kule
mood. We not going to bed uqumbe unje (we
not going to bed with you mad like that)."
I left her there to get herself together, she was
mad at me for being honest, maybe I was a little
too harsh but it was the only way I could have
her understand and she did, which I was happy
about.
I joined the gang and sat phaya nabo, it wasn't
much distance between her and I, we were just
a bench away from her, between us was a
bench occupied by Lolly and Sinalo's towels and
flip flops, I sat with my back facing her, what I
didn't want was to face her and have this guilt
growing in me, with the soft spot I had for her, it
was possible.

I do not know how long we sat there until I felt

my phone vibrate, not once or twice but about
four times, it was either a notification from
WhatsApp or text message so I pulled it out of
my pocket and checked it. Three WhatsApp
texts and a WhatsApp missed call from
Aphindiwe was what I saw, I opened her text
and smiled when I saw these, she was begging
me for the access lock card to our room, I
decided to call her ngoku wayelapha ecaleni
kwam but she didn't respond so I turned around
and looked at her, she was staring at me...
Bulelani: "Yintoni najamelana noPhindi ngoku?
(why are you and Phindi throwing daggers at
each other?)"
Me: "Uqumbile (she's mad)."
Bulelani: "Wenzeni ngoku Miles? (what did you
do now Miles?)"
Me: "Niks, uqumbele into zakhe, inoba
kusebenza ezanto zika Nkulie (Nothing, she's
mad at her own things, most probably Nkulie's
pills are kicking in.)"
Bulelani: "(chuckles) uyayithetha ikaka futhi
wena kwedini (You speak shit)"
Me: "Khame ndiyomhoya (Let me go check on
her)"
Bulelani nodded before looking at Phindi, I got
up and headed to her, she was staring at
between narrowed eyes which made them look
ngongathi they were closed, I found a seat next
to her ndamjonga...
Me: "Phindi"
Aphindiwe: "Mmmmm?"
Me: "Uyekile uqumba? (have you stopped being
mad?)"
She looked at me with her eyebrows raised and
I chuckled
Me: "You fucken cute xa uqumbile yazi."
Aphindiwe: "Ndifuna ulala (I want to sleep)"
Me: "Suxoka, you're still mad nje qha."
Aphindiwe: "No, ndisenentloko"
I moved closer to her, she moved away barely
leaving space between us
"Kuyatshisa baby."
Me: "Ndifuna ilips zam kodwa njena."
She brought her head closer but still leaving the
gap between us, she pouted and closed her
eyes, ndamjonga before moving closer to her, I
held her chin and slowly ran my tongue on her
lips before capturing them in mine, she gasped
as she placed her hands on my neck moving
even more closer to me. I didn't move my hand
from her chin even when I pulled back, I looked
at her from eyes down to her lips which she bit
causing me to avert my gaze from her before I
think of other ideas I couldn't think of in public.
She ran one of her hands from my neck to my
chin where my beard was beginning to grow,
wancuma before lifting her butt a little from the
bench and laying a kiss on my chin when she
was about to sit down I encircled my arm
around her waist and held her firm...
"Yizoma apha."
She did as I instructed her and stood in between
my legs looking down at me, she couldn't stop
blushing more especially when I smiled
Me: "Ndijonge baby, keep your eyes on me.
Ndifuna undijonge as I say this."
She giggled and looked at me, placing her
hands around my neck
"Jonga ke baby, I'm going to tell you something
I don't often say to you (pause) ndiyakuthanda
Mambhele (pause) and I want to grow with you
Aphindiwe. You know you might be feeling like
it's too soon to say that kodwa I mean it and
ndiyayiqonda uba uyayicinga lento yoba
sithandane njani, how we ended up here, maybe
uba ndizovuka one morning thinking I made a
mistake by leaving uNomthandazo, no
ayizokwenzeka. I'm here with you for a reason."
Aphindiwe: "And that reason isn't not getting in
my pants"
Me: "Fuck that ngoku baby. I got in your pants
ndayivha lento ndandifuna uyivha (I got in your
pants and tasted what I wanted to taste)"
Aphindiwe: "(giggles) Mihle?"
Me: "Serious yazi (chuckles) imnandi ke no
lying."
She laughed looking away, when she looked
back at me I saw smiling back at her waiting for
her to finish the blushing she was doing. When
she did stop laughing but the smile on her face
remained, I continued...
"My love for you uzoqala ulibona Monday If
awukal'boni ngoku (long pause) Monday I'll
show you a part of me I've never showed
anyone not even Nomthandazo, she knows ewe
bhuti wayivha ngabantu and apha kuye I don:t
want to go through that and most probably end
up losing you or have you go to Andrew."
Wakhamisa causing me to laugh
Aphindiwe: "Mxm uyadika kodwa baby,"
Me: "Askies ke babe. What does your dad call
you?"
Aphindiwe: "Uthi Nhanha."
Me: "Elinye"
Aphindiwe: "Nhanha ka David."
Me: "Yep, that's the one I want. Jonga ke
Nhanha ka David what I'm tryna say kuwe is
lento of stressing about my texts with Nomtha
is only you adding more stress ontop of esi
sengcwadi unaso. Nothing will happen, so don't
stress about it, okay?"
She nodded but I wanted her to say it
Me: "Vuma ndikuvhe kaloku (let me hear you
agree)"
Aphindiwe: "Ndiyakuvha (I hear you)"
Me: "Mbhaaa kuPhopho ke"
She leaned in and kissed me before she pulled
back, I heeded that she was about to say
something but got disturbed by Lolly who
spanked her ass endlula..
Lolly: "Wherea's your bikini baby? I want that
ass with me in this swimming pool!"
Aphindiwe: "That's so gay Lolly!"
Lolly: "(giggles) just bring yourself in her!"
Phindi shook her head encumile before she
turned and looked at me, I surmised that I must
have been looking at her with clear fret when
she stopped smiling and asked
"What's wrong?"
Me: "I need to you but I don't need you to cry
this time around."
Aphindiwe: "Apha? (Here)"
It didn't go unnoticed kum how she feared
talking about herself, most definitely avoiding
anything that would lead to her talking about
her mother but I needed to know her, her
background so I'd be aware whom it was I have
fallen in love with
Me: "No not here, but some time this week.
Ndiyakuxelela so uyazi"
Aphindiwe: "(sighs) tough but okay"
Me: "I need to know uba ndingam'qhatha
ngantoni uDavid xa ndisisa inkomo kokwenu."
Aphindiwe: "(laughs) He wouldn't allow you"
Me: "Haisoka uthi mandenze njani kengoku?"
Aphindiwe: "I'm all he's got, I don't think uzofuna
ndihambe."
Me: "Then he's moving in with us"
Aphindiwe: "(laughs) What?!"
Me: "Yintoni? (Chuckles)"
Aphindiwe: "I can't have you and dad under one
roof, ndingafa ndinishiye phaya nobabini."
Me: "Bulawa yintoni ngoku?"
Aphindiwe: "Nini kaloku. Yoh"
I laughed before bringing her close and kissing
her flat stomach over the vest she was wearing.

I kept my lips there, the mere thought of hoping

that some day I'll be kissing this stomach with
Fhaku junior in it made me fear the outcomes
of Monday but there was no turning back. At
the age of twenty nine and being a coward
wasn't attractive, I had promised so I had to
deliver.
120th Entry

Aphindiwe

Saturday night, we bought our drinks and

ordered our meals sazitya right at the
swimming pool porch, I heeded that being at
the bar was the problem because we spent the
night through apha kulena indawo without any
quarrels, everything went smooth kuncokolwa
ngumntu yonke without uchuku. I took note of
Andrew's actions every time, he kept on passing
me an eye, ndandibona that he wanted to talk to
me so badly but two hours passed without him
getting his chance until the moment I got up to
go get my jacket, I don't know how he left the
crowd without Mihle noticing or adding one plus
one but what I know is when I was returning
from the room I met him Drew at the passage,
carrying a bottle of Caste Lite and looking high
kodwa in a sexy way, kwakuqhunywe umntu
omhle after all (after all, it was an attractive
person who was high)...
Andrew: "I thought I was gonn' find you in the
room."
Me: "Is that why you came?"
Andrew: "Nie, I'm not that nasty. Ek wil met djou
praat (I want to talk to you)."
Me: "Let's talk then"
I smiled at as I slowly made my way pass him
but he grabbed my wrist and I turned slowly,
looking at him
Andrew: "Now where you off to?"
Me: "Downstairs."
Andrew: "Skat you do know ons kan nie daa'
praat nie (Skat you know we can't talk there),
with Miles (pause) or you him to kill us? To kill
me?"
Me: "(giggles) he wouldn't. He seemed chilled
earlier on."
Andrew: "Because I was with K, no other
reason"
Me: "But if we stay here, he'll..."
He dropped his gaze from my eyes to my lips
and they stayed there whilst he licked his, I tried
pulling my wrist free from his hold but he held
firm
Andrew: "Hy sal wat? (he'll what?)"
Me: "He'll suspect something.'
He slowly let of my hand before searching his
pockets and pulled his cellphone, I didn't even
hear it ring, he surprised me when he ended the
call and when he looked up he noticed how
astound I was so he chuckled...
"I'll call them back."
Me: "Okay"
Andrew: "You seem (pause) scared. Not
yourself."
I had no reason to lie to this guy, he wasn't the
type to judge shame so I saw no reason to hide
how I felt
Me: "I'm just flipped nervous"
Andrew: "(chuckles) it's understandable. We
walking?"
I nodded while smiling at him and we walked off,
in silence but I kept on stealing glance of him
every now and then, just when we were a few
feet away from the elevator he called the pet
name he had given to me
"Huh?"
Andrew: "I like you."
Ndoma, I didn't expect that, I didn't know how to
respond to it so I did nothing else but to freeze.
He steped closer and I stood right where I was,
he placed his hand on my shoulder and spoke
"I'm not the type to beat around the bush, I
know you're with Miles and I respect that but I
like you and tha's that. How you act to it is up to
you, but I just want you to know dat ek is ful
met jou."
Me: "Oh"
Andrew: "Don't you feel the same?"
Me: "Don't I what?"
I asked that slowly, as though I was trying to
process what he was saying to me
Andrew: "Feel the same?"
Me: "Andrew?"
He cocked his eyebrow at me before holding
my chin, I don't know why he did that ngoba I
was already looking up at him
"You can't ask me that."
Andrew: "Hoekom nie? (why not?)"
Me: "I'm with someone."
Andrew: "I know that but I'm just asking you,
don't you feel the same?"
Me: "No. I can't"
Andrew: "You can't."
Me: "Yeah"
Andrew: "Please look at me."
I continued staring at the floor until he took
another step closing the distance between us,
ndabhekela but was stopped by his hand which
found its way to my waist, mntaka somnci
ndandicinga iyayeka intliziyo yam at that
moment (I thought my heart would stop at that
moment). With the other hand which had the
Castle Lite bottle he tilted my chin, his manly
cologne was filling my nostrils, I swallowed
hard when he brought his cold thumb on my lips,
I don't know if he was drunk or being himself
but I was still surprised by his actions.
Something within me brought me back to reality
causing me to roughly pull back from his hold, I
shook my head...
"I can't."
Andrew: "You can't what?"
Me: "Do this"
I said pointing in between him and I
Andrew: "I'm sorry (pause) I shouldn't have."
Me: "Yeah you shouldn't. We been here long
enough, can we just?"
Andrew: "Go, I'll follow behind you."
I nodded stepping away from him, as I turned
and walked away I could feel his eyes on me
and I prayed I don't miss a step because I could
fel myself shaking...
"Skatie?"
I turned around and faced him
Me: "Huh?"
Andrew: "Ek is nie dronk nie, I've always wanted
to tell you this and maybe hold you.'
Me: "Okay"
Andrew: "I'm sorry though."
I nodded again before turning on my heel and
approaching the elevator, I needed to keep calm,
I could feel my face and ears burning and if ever
I stepped out ndinje I'd be giving sirens to these
people. When the elevator opened I rushed
inside and headed straight for the mirror, I
checked if I had any other thing I needed to
wipe off before I got downstairs but I realised
there was nothing, it was only the redness
which was now covering the whole of my
cheeks. I stood outside the elevator and waited
for my nervous to cool a little, when I felt a little
better but with my heart still hammering against
my chest I walked out and headed to the porch,
Bianca was occupying my space, sitting next to
Mihle, they weren't talking to each other, she
was chatting to Keagan kodwa I noticed how
she leaned on Mihle every time she laughed, I
chuckled because it was clear to anybody that
wayezigudla kuye for attention.
I was a few steps away when Mihle looked up,
encumile from what he and the gents were
talking about, I held his knees and bent in front
of him...
"You been long gone."
Me: "I was using the toilet."
I gave Lolly her jacket because she had asked
me to go to their room and fetch hers too. I still
stood in front of my man as I wore his jacket,
the one I was wearing midnight when he had
asked me to keep him company at the balcony,
he helped me zip it up, looking at me as I was
mouthing something to him, he kept on
pardoning me so I ended up kneeling in front of
him...
Me: "Mcele asuke"
Mihle: "Ubani?"
I pointed on my right with my head, he chuckled
before looking at her, she wasn't paying
attention to us which was a little relaxing, inxaki
lentombi ndandingayi cacelanga ncam ( I had
no interest in her) and I believed she felt the
same about me.
Mihle: "B"
She turned and looked at me before passing her
gaze to Mihle
"Khasuke nana, my wife was sitting here."
Bianca: "Oh (pause) but can't she sit
elsewhere?"
Me: "No"
She looked at me with her lips parted a little
before looking at my man, bad move because
he wasn't going to defend her over me, not in a
million years. She mumbled something under
her breathe before getting up ngenye iattitude, I
couldn't care less, I was sitting here, into
wayeyifuna kuthana nca nendoda yam (all she
wanted was to be glued to my man). I was
seated next to Mihle, my hand in his, chatting to
Keagan because he was the one who was
sitting at the end of the bench when I heard
Andrew's voice, I don't know but the guilt which
filled my heart was way too much to handle, I
know I did nothing, I just heard the man out but
being prohibited to talk to him, I felt like I
shouldn't have. I kept my eyes on my knees until
I smelled his cologne, this indirectly told me
that he wasn't standing far from where I was
seated so I did nothing else but look up at him,
he was saying something to uPapi, my stomach
wouldn't stop doing those turns it did nakubani
when they're nervous. I absentmindedly
tightened my hold on Mihle, of course he turned
wandijonga, I looked back at him because I
wasn't aware I had just done that...
"Uyathetha?"
Me: "No babe."
He nodded before going to conversation yakhe
noBulelani and the other guys. I passed my
gaze to Keagan before looking at Andrew who
was now occupying Papi's seat, he also looked
at me, I concentrated on how his eyes were
looking between Mihle and I in a matter of
those seconds before he finally averted his
gaze to the swimming pool. My palms were
sweating, the more I thought about what
happened at the hallway of this hotel not long
ago the more ndandibanexhala (the more I had
anxiety) I didn't understand why I felt this way
but at the back of my mind something kept
telling me not to beat myself up
ngalento, it wasn't like I fucked the guy or
kissed him.
The rest of the night passed by smoothly and I
fpund myself thanking the Lord that Andrew
was as well-behaved because it been someone
else they would've mentioned it just to spite
Mihle, but just like me, he pretended like
nothing happened. I was now in the roon with
my man, right after we had took a shower, I was
laying on his chest chatting to him about my
worry ngento yeskolo, I knew I had a lot of
assignments I had to hand in and plenty of
catching I needed to do...
Mihle: "So yonke lento uyithethayo sums up to
you wanting to go back to res? (So everything
you've mentioned sums up to you wanting to go
back to res?)"
Me: "I don't want to, I have to."
Mihle: "But uyafuna"
I moved and balanced on my elbow looking at
him, he wasn't getting my point
Me: "No baby, ndiyafuna uhlala eBelmar but I
have to be at school."
Mihle:" And what's the difference xa uhlala
kwam? (And what's the difference when you
stay by my place?)"
Me: "Time'
He shifted on his elbows too ezinyusa and I
giggled when he narrowed his eyes at me, he
found what I had just said ridiculous because
he shook his head before talking
"Sivuka sobayi two for school and work, xa
ungena late ndizoza ndizokulanda to school
(Well wake up together for school and work,
when you attend late, I'll come fetch you). You
get time to be at the library when your sessions
are over then at half four I'm at the gate
fetching you."
Me: "And when do I rest?"
Mihle: "When do you rest? You not serious."
Me: "I am. Kaloku xa ndiphuma uone for
instance, I go back to res and rest then wake up
ndifunde (when my session ends at one for
instance, I go back to res and rest then wake up
and study.)"
Mihle: "The hours you're waiting for me at the
library you'll be studying, replacing ezi zase res."
Me: "Hayi baby, let me just stay at res for now
until I get back on track."
Mihle: "You know ndiyibeka kakuhle lento kuwe,
ndifuna uzohlala kwam (You know I'm putting
this straight, I want you to stay by my place) but
you're beating around the bush."
Me: "Ngantoni ngoku?"
Mihle: "Because uyalungiselela lento, just say it,
awufuni uzohlala kwam (Because you're sugar
coating this, just say it, you don't want to stay
by my place)."
Me: "Ha.a ke baby"
Mihle: "Andilwi (I'm not fighting), it's fine I get
it."
Me: "What do you get?"
Mihle: "That because you got too much school
work, awufuni uzohlala kwam."
I kept quiet and looked at the TV, I wasn't about
to argue about this thing because I was
explaining my excuse kuye and this traveling
thing was going to drain me. We sat in that
position and when I felt myself getting drowsy,
falling asleep on his abs I got up and looked at
him, he was sleeping himself, his breathing
steady...
Me: "Baby"
I shook him kancinci and he shot his eyes
immediately looking at me, he ran his eyes
around the room before looking at me again
"Let's fix the bed."
Mihle: "What's there to fix?"
Me: "Ndiyobhatha kaloku mna (I cover myself)."
He furrowed his eyebrows at me before letting
out a loud breathe and removing his legs from
the bed, I was waiting for him so I'd fix the
sheets, immediately when I pulled the sheets
over he jumped in fixing his pillow to lay this
head on. I went over to the switch and turned
off the light, turned off the TV and the bedside
lamp when I got inside the bed, he encircled his
arm around my waist and moved closer, I
shifted to lay on a more comfortable position
but stopped when he pinched me...
Me: "Yintoni? (What is it?)"
Mihle: "Yeka lento uyenzayo (Stop what you
doing)."
Me: "Ndenzani? (what am I doing?)"
He didn't answer me so I carried on with what I
was doing but he stopped me again when he
said
"Phindi ha.a, your ass is rubbing on me."
Me: "Oh (giggles) you should said"
Mihle: "Maybe you should turn around and face
me."
Me: "Hayi baby, andizophinda (No baby, I won't
do it again.)"
I could his breathing and to me it was
something I could categorize under the most
relaxing things in my life, hearing him breathe
this way alerted me that he was here and I
needed to value and cherish this. I placed my
hand on top of his which was on my waist...
Me: "Goodnight baby"
He kissed my shoulder before muttering
"Goodnight Bhelekazi wam."

I woke up ekuseni to the smell of weed, the

bedside next to me was empty. This marijuana
smelled really good but I was too hungry to
crave it, I needed to fill my tummy first then I'd
get high like nobody's business...
Me: "Baby"
Wathula, I don't know why I called him but I just
needed to know he was around the room, I
needed to know he was at the balcony so I
called again turning on the bed to face the
balcony, I heard a chair being dragged across
the floor before he appeared at the door
Mihle: "Mhuh?"
Me: "Good morning."
He blew me a kiss before dragging from the
blunt he was holding, he disappeared to the
balcony again, I closed my eyes and rested. I
was enjoying the rest way too much that I was
beginning to fall asleep again, I didn't even hear
Mihle walk in, I only felt his hand on my waist
causing me to open my eyes
"Uyalala ngoku (you're sleeping now)."
Me: "I'm tired."
Mihle: "You need to get up, sizodlula esalon
(we'll pass by the salon)"
Me: "Siyokwenzani apho? (What are we going to
do there?)"
Mihle: "I need my beard shaped, you need you
hair done."
I nodded before turning over and laying on my
tummy, if ever I closed my eyes in this position
I'd definitely sleep again. Mihle got up and went
to the bathroom, I heard him take a loo before
he stepped out with wet hands, wandijonga, I
had my eyes closed ndizimamele but I got
disturbed anyway when my man pulled the
sheets away exposing my body which was half
covered his vest. I waited for him to say
something or do the next thing, he placed the
wet hand on my waist whilst saying
"Vuka Phindi."
Ndazulisa ngamas'bom (I intentionally ignored
him) because I wanted him to carry on with
what he was doing, his hand against my skin in
that way and right under my ass, gave me
goosebumps and butterflies. He did as I was
hoping he would by running his hand up to my
ass, I lifted my waist a little from the mattress, I
don't know why I did that but I did anyway, when
he touched the waistband of my white lace
panties, I spread my legs but not too wide. I
wanted to turn and look at his face but I
couldn't because I was on my stomach, I waited
for his next action and without warning I gasped
when he moved my panties to the side and ran
his hand from my butt up to my baby. Ndanyusa
esisinqa even more and I heard him seductively
mutter a "shit" before he surprised me by
pushing his middle finger not in my pussy but in
my ass. I moaned nje kancinci holding my
bottom between my teeth, he pushed it in
deeper causing me to grab onto the sheets and
keep this scream, I tried lowering my waist but
he held my waist and pulled out the finger, he
pushed it in again and I felt my whole body get
lose, I was becoming wetter on my temple but
ndandiyazi uba my man was a man of his own
time, I wasn't about to have him in me now and
he could just make me cum without even using
his manhood kum.
He begun anal fucking me with his finger,
slowly as he positioned himself between my
legs, on his knees, looking at my ass. His other
hand was on my thigh, holding me tightly phaya,
I don't know why I did that but I laid my upper
body flat on bed allowing my ass to open up
even wider, it scared me how I was beginning to
like the anus thing, I've never had imagined
myself allowing a guy to stick his finger up in
my ass but this man here gave me no option,
wayeyenza and he was giving it to me like a
drug, I was beginning to love it. I was holding
back the loud moans as he was fucking me
with his finger, every time he pushed in my ass
wiggled, with each stroke there was a soft
moan which left my mouth. When he pulled out
his finger I felt a little disappointed and
attempted on laying flat but when he pulled off
my panties down to my thigh, I quickly lifted my
legs helping him take it off so it wouldn't
disturbed any of the magic he was about to do
to me.
He placed a wet kiss on my right butt cheek and
pulled back, I felt him run a wet thumb on my
anus, he did this repeatedly until I was wet
enough and I couldn't help the moan which left
my mouth when he pushed in two fingers in my
ass, I tried dropping my waist but he encircled
his arm around my waist and kept me there, he
began doing what he was doing with his middle
finger...
"Mihleee. Mmmm. Oh fuck!"
My grip on the sheets was getting tighter and
now my head wasn't on the pillow anymore,
andizazi uba ndandisihla njani kule bhedi but I
wasn't kulandawo ndandikuyo five minutes
back (I don't know how I moving downwards on
this bed but I wasn't on that place I had been
five minutes back). He pulled them out and I
could feel the sensation on my anus, it was
doing that vibrating thing which made it look
like it was breathing, I felt a wet thumb again
and I hoped he would have given it time to cool
down but when he pushed the two fingers again
even deeper this time I searched for his arm but
he held mine and pressed it on my back and
continued doing what he was, it was pain and
pleasure at the same time and I didn't know
which one to take in first. He pulled them out
then immediately pushed them back in, deep
and rough
"Fuuuuc. Oh my gooosh!"
He started pounding with his fingers, every
second he pushed them in deeper and rougher,
the pleasure was driving me crazy and had me
moaning, calling his name and the pain too was
driving me insane, the burning sensation made
it feel like my anus was cracked. He stroke
deeper, faster and rougher and with the
pleasure came a feeling which made my ass
feel loose, a fuuny feeling inside of my butt
which was ticklish but also scary because it felt
like if he'd pull out those fingers I'd mess on
myself.
I found myself holding on side of my ass and
spreading it open for him since my other hand
he was on my back, but when he wanted to
push in deeper he let it and grabbed my thigh,
my hands were all over the place, one minute
they were on my clit, on the pillow, on his arm or
opening my butt cheeks for him.
I was close to squirting and as I was holding the
pillow my hands wouldn't stop shaking, my
thighs were getting loose too so I struggled and
fought through to hold his hand but it was too
difficult so I turned slightly and searched for his
arm...
Mihle: "Yima baby"
He whispered that in the most turned on voice
ever but I couldn't hold it any longer
Me: "Baaaaby imma... Ahhhhh gosh fuuuuckkk!"
I managed to hold his arm and try pulling it, he
obeyed and pulled out his fingers, leaving my
ass to cool down, yayingathi ziyaphefumla
mntaka dadobawo. I laid flat on the bed and
held my lips tight together trying to cool down,
all these new things my body had just received,
the amazing feeling of enjoying pain because of
the pleasure you're getting.
He laid himself on top of me, gently and like I
had expected, he was turned on, I could feel his
bulk against my ass. His breathing was insane
and the butterflies arose oko when he ran his
hand on my side, from my boob to my waist,
softly and slowly. After some time ethule, he
whispered...
Mihle: "I want you"
"Mhuh?"
Mihle: "I want myself in you (pause) right in
here."
He said that pushing his middle in my ass once
again but gently this time. I could have enjoyed
his being in me once again but something
disturbed me so I opened my eyes and tried
turning to look at him, where did he say he
wanted himself?
Me: "In my ass?"
Mihle: "Yeah"
I shook my head, ixhala ke mntaka somnci, this
is one shit I was scared of and I never wanted
to do
"I'll be gentle."
Me: "Ndiyoyika baby."
Mihle: "I'll be gentle Phindi"
Me: "Andizokwazi, I'm really scared"
He pushed in the finger bringing back la feeling
of pleasure I had not long ago, I closed my
eyes...
"Do you love this?"
I nodded
"Then you'll love xa ndingaphakathi kuwe. (Then
you'll love it when I'm inside you)"
Me: "I'm really scared Mihle."
We were whispering yonke le conversation and I
was starting to shake from fear, the tone of his
voice indicated that he wanted this so badly and
I was hoping he wouldn't take it without my
approval but when he pulled out his middle
finger and laid next to me wandijonga, with the
most gentle eyes ever, I relaxed...
Mihle: "Don't look like that"
Me: "Like what?"
Mihle: "Ingathi uyandoyika (as though you
scared of me)"
Me: "Uxolo."
Mihle: "I wouldn't do that (pause) do something
without your permission. I respect you
Mambhele."
I took his hand in mine while still shaking, he
noticed because he furrowed his eyebrows and
tightened our hands, he moved closer and
placed a baby kiss on my lips...
Mihle: "Now yeka ungcangcazela, I won't do it
(Now stop shaking, I won't do it)."
I nodded before moving closer to him and
leaning my head on his chest, even when
sweating, he still smelled fucken nice.

You know that guilt you have as a girl when you

feel like in bed you don't do nothing, all you do
is lie there and allow him to pleasure you, that's
how I felt. I knew he wasn't thinking that but it
was eating me up, it was about time I did
something, anything to satisfy him too but anal
fucking wasn't one of them.

121st Entry

Mihle

I wasn't planning on doing that to her, I wanted

to wake her up so we could go and take a
shower but when she stuck out her ass for me
causing her lace panties to dig deep in her ass, I
couldn't handle myself.
I was laying on top of her, fucken turned on, my
breathing was heavy, I was literally sweating
from just doing that and my manhood was
beginning to hurt from being that hard. She had
her eyes closed, her chest raising up and down,
I looked at her and she licked her lips with her
eyes still closed...
"I want you."
Aphindiwe: "Mhuh?"
Me: "I want myself in you (pause) right here"
I pushed my middle finger halfway in her ass
once again, she was gasping for air once again
but quickly recovered from that. She asked in a
low tone
Aphindiwe: "In my ass?"
Me: "Yeah."
She shook her head slowly, she tried turning but
I pressed my weight on her so she wouldn't
move
Me: "I'll be gentle."
Aphindiwe: "Ndiyoyika baby."
Me: "I'll be gentle Phindi."
Aphindiwe: "Andizokwazi, I'm really scared"
I pushed in the finger deeper and I watched how
she took her bottom lip in between her teeth,
she closed her eyes, her breathing returning to
what it was a few seconds back...
Me: "Do you love this?"
She nodded
Me: "Then you'll love xa ndingaphakathi kuwe."
Aphindiwe: "I'm really scared Mihle."
I hated how her tone sounded, it had a crack
behind it, it was shaky and I didn't think me
raising this would bring so much fear to her. As
I can much as I wanted this, making her feel
uncomfortable ngoluhlobo wasn't what I
wanted, I pulled out my middle finger from her
ass and laid next to her, ndamjonga, she tried
erasing the fear from her face but it wasn't
working
Me: "Don't look like that"
Aphindiwe: "Like what?"
Me: "Ingathi uyandoyika (as though you scared
of me)"
Aphindiwe: "Uxolo."
Me: "I wouldn't do that (pause) do something
without your permission. I respect you
Mambhele."
I removed my hand from her waist to touch her
cheek but she stopped me anyway by taking my
hand in hers, she wouldn't stop shaking as she
tried pushing her fingers in between mine, I
looked at our hands with furrowed eyebrows
before passing my gaze to her, I tightened our
hold and moved closer to place a kiss on her
lips, she licked them immediately after I did that
Me: "Now yeka ungcangcazela, I won't do it."
She nodded and moved closer to me, she
leaned her head on my chest and I heard her
sniff in my smell, I couldn't help the smile which
made its way to my face because after inhaling
my smell, she let go of my hand and placed it
on my waist instead. I kissed the top of her
head before putting my chin on it and allow us
to enjoy the moment, in silence. Ten minutes
later still sleeping in that position I tried moving
to get my phone on the other side of the bed
but I couldn't reach, she moved back just a little
and looked at me...
"My phone."
Aphindiwe: "Itheni? Uyayifuna? (what about it,
do you want it?)"
Me: "Ewe, need to make a phone call."
She turned on her side and reached for the
phone, handed it to my and returned to that very
same position she was in before I disturbed her.
I searched for Keagan's tens before ringing and
waiting for him to pick up...
"Awe."
Me: "Laaitie, luster hie'so, lend me djou moto
(Laaitie, listen here, lend me your car)."
Keagan: "Waa' gaan djy? (where you going?)"
Me: "My vrou en ek het ander planne, ek wil 'n
barber sien (My lady and I have other plans, I
want to see a barber)."
Keagan: "Toe kry ek dit terug? (then when am I
getting it back?)"
Me: "Djy sal met Bhuda ride then he'll drop off at
my place to fetch it."
Keagan: "Awe."
Me: "Now bring me the keys"
Keagan: "Djy's moes kak mal (you're kak mad),
respect the owner."
Me: "(chuckles)Bring me the keys kwedini, I'm
rushing."
Keagan: "(Chuckles) Dan djy sal laat wees (then
you'll be late)."
Me: "(Chuckles) Fuck off."
I hung before moving away from Aphindiwe, she
turned and looked the other side
"Baby, vuka siyohlala (Baby wake up, so we go
bath)."
Aphindiwe: "Ngubani ixesha? (what time is it?)"
Me: "Something to eight.'
Aphindiwe: "Baby what's the rush for kodwa?"
Me: "I have some things I need to do xa ndifuna
eBelmar, kunendawo endifuneka kuyo (there's a
place I need to be)"
Aphindiwe: "Uzondishiya ndodwa?"
I turned and looked at her, she was sitting on
her butt ngoku, looking at me
"Do you want to come with me?"
Aphindiwe: "Andifuni ushiyeka ndodwa endlini."
I narrowed my eyes at her, she was looking at
me waiting on a response, I was weighing my
options apha, on whether to take her with me or
not but I knew if I do ndandingazo cinga
kakuhle (I wouldn't be able to think clearly), she
was going to distract me...
Me: "Andizokwazi baby."
Aphindiwe: "Ngoba?"
Me: "Andizohamba kwa early xa sifika phaya
baby, I'll leave ngobusuku (I won't leave early
when we arrive there baby, I'll leave at night)."
Aphindiwe: "But matter of fact uzohamba (you'll
leave)"
Me: "Xa ulele."
Aphindiwe: "What are you attending at night?"
Me: "Business"
Aphindiwe: "Business?"
I tilted my head to the side and looked at her
before taking a step back and leaning on the
wall
Aphindiwe: "Mhuh?"
Me: "Okay fine, andizohamba (I won't go)."
Aphindiwe: "Okay it's fine but I want to know
what business are you attending while I'm
sleeping"
Me: "Aphindiwe andisayi and ndicela siyiyeke
apho ke baby please (Aphindiwe I'm not going
anymore and could we leave it there, please
baby)."
She raised her eyebrow at me before getting off
the bed and walked towards the table where her
toiletry bag was, she opened it and pulled out
her toothbrush, wajika on her heels and walked
past me on her way to the bathroom. I walked
over to door and leaned on the wall taking in her
structure, she was fucken sexy and her caramel
skin colour somehow complimented her shape...
Me: "So uqumbile?"
She kept quiet, I repeated myself but she
carried on ignoring me so I walked in and stood
behind her, wandijonga on the mirror, I leaned in
and kissed her ear before whispering
"Are you mad?"
She shrugged her shoulders before bending and
spitting her some Colgate from her mouth, I
stepped back keeping the space between us, I
didn't want to have the ideas I had earlier on
and freak her out, I hated seeing her that scared
and uncomfortable. After rinsing her mouth she
went back to brushing her teeth again, I kept on
looking at her at the mirror but she didn't
respond, all she was doing is glancing at me on
the mirror then head back to what she was
doing, I chuckled before stepping away from her
to the shower. I ran the water while standing
outside the shower, ndandimane ndiwava
ngesandla amanzi ( I kept on feeling the water
with my hand) and when I felt the water was
luke warm, I turned and looked at her andazi
kangaphi this morning, she was humming a
song. I decided to play le game wayeyidlala and
kept my mouth shut, I stepped in the shower, it
wasn't long until she stepped in naye, naked.
She stood directly under the tap, pushing her
ass out in my direction, I chuckled before
turning and taking in the way she was standing,
she had her eyes closed allowing the water to
run down her body, I stepped close and held her
waist, she froze, I bet she even stopped
breathing for a few seconds...
Me: "You need to stop doing that."
I kissed her shoulder, ndanyuka ngentamo
yakho (and moved up by her neck), she
responded by standing on her tippy toes and
laying her head slightly on my neck, she
whispered
"Ndenzani?(What am I doing?)"
Me: "Sticking out your ass on me like that
(pause) do you know what it does to me baby?"
She shook her head, I was staring at her this
whole time, she licked her bottom lip before
taking it in between her teeth. She was doing
too much kum, it wasn't normal being this horny
over someone oko oko
Me: "It turns me on Phindi. It makes me wanna
do things to you which I shouldn't because I
respect you (pause) it makes want to get dirty
and not make love to you but fuck you."
She turned around and remained on her tippy
toes, she looked up at me...
"But I love what you're doing to me so far."
Me: "Let's keep it there babe, I don't want to
have ideas I shouldn't. Ndingakhe ndingakwazi
uzibamba (I might not be able to stop myself)."
Aphindiwe: "Okay"
I placed a kiss on her forehead before turning
her around so I'd help wash her back
Me: "Gel."
She handed me the shower gel she's been
holding in her hands. After applying shampoo
on my hands I ran them all over her back, when I
was done she helped do the same to me. I was
the first to step out of the shower, while
brushing my teeth she came out still wet, I was
watching her in the mirror meanwhile she dried
herself, the way I was feeling about her would
have me do things abantwini because
ndandiziva indlela le ndandi protective ngayo
over (to people because I saw how protective I
was over her) and how I wanted her next to me
or on sight every time we went out. She walked
out of the bathroom only to step in again with
some face wash on her face, luckily I was done
with my teeth...
Me: "Uzo iron(a)? (Are you going to iron?)"
Aphindiwe: "Nope"

It was after a long two hours that we were done

and ready to leave, I left the room to fetch the
keys from Keagan and also took a moment to
talk to both Keagan and Andrew, Bulelani knew
from last night that I'd be leaving early today so
there was no need for me to report to him.
Phindi and I left the room and headed down
stairs to the reception where we checked out.
On our way to Belmar we stopped at a shopping
complex sangena eCheckers and bought a
couple of things we'll need at home, I needed
her to cook, honestly I've had enough
takeaways I wanted ukutya kwecephe (I wanted
spoon food), the only thing we bought at
Checkers to add on the food we'd be eating
later on was three type of salads which she
picked...
Me: "Ziz'zodwa ozozidinga? (Are those the only
ones you'll need?)"
Aphindiwe: "I think they're enough ewe."
I nodded before asking
"What's next?'
Aphindiwe: "Dessert awuy'funi yona? (Don:t you
want dessert?)"
Me: "Kaloku kum food without Ultra Mel isn:t
food (To me food without Ultra Mel isn't food)"
Aphindiwe: "I'm thinking sithenge le peppermint
trifle then we'll top it nge Ulta Mel ke (I'm
thinking we but this peppermint trifle then we'll
top it with Ultra Mel)"
Me: "Phaka kaloku."
I waited for her as she was dishing before she
had the plastic containers weighed. We headed
for the teller and paid our little grocery, all that
was left to attend now was the salon then we'd
home. After packing the plastics in the car, we
found our way out, she was sipping on her
smoothie while I was drinking my Play. Kwi
robots I paged throw my phone checking for
Emrold, I needed to tell him I was coming for
my haircut, when the phone rang it echoed
through the speakers, filling the car with the
ringing tone...
"Miles?"
Me: "Em, you good my man?"
Emrold: "I:m perfect brother, you?"
Me: "Standard. Look bro I'm on my way to your
salon, I need my hair cut."
Emrold: "I'm not around boss, but I can refer you
to Robert."
Me: "Who's Robert kanene? (Who's Robert
again?)"
Emrold: "The dude who cut your hair the last
time."
Me: "Okay then. Tell him I'll be there in 20"
Emrold: "Sure brother."
He hung up and I looked at my lady who was
now staring at the area we were driving through,
she kept on turning her head with every
mension
Me: "Got a thing for big houses?"
Aphindiwe: "Got it from my dad"
She said that turning on her seat to look at me
"Ngutata lona wandimoshayo, ever since
ndakhula oko sahlala in big houses so ndikhule
having something for them (It's dad who spoilt
me, ever since I was young we've always lived in
big houses so I grew up having something for
them)"
Me: "Wenzani uDavid? (what does David do?)"
Aphindiwe: "Owns his own attorneys"
Me: "(chuckles) no wonder he orders people
around like he does."
Aphindiwe: "Did he order you around?"
She asked this with much interest, it was
fucken cute how she spoke about her dad, I
always noticed the pride she carried when
speaking of him, I wish it was this easy for her
to tell me about her mother too
Me: "Ewe, when you were at hospital wandicela
phandle (yes, when you were at hospital and he
asked for me outside) he gave me a piece of
himself."
Aphindiwe: "(giggles) What did he say?"
Me: "Told me to stop chasing after you, fix my
shit with Nomthandazo and if ever he hears uba
ndisafuna wena I'll have him to deal with."
Aphindiwe: "Thixo wam utata guys (Oh my God,
my dad though) will I ever get married yile
ndoda?"
Me: "He wants what's best for you. Ndithandela
lento yoba he knows you:re attractive (I love the
fact that he knows you're attractive)."
Aphindiwe: "He's strict, kakhulu (a lot) but he's
better now ever sinxe mom passed on, when
she was still with us he never took shit. Athi
umama uyanditefisa (he'd say my mother is
spoiling me)."
Me: "It's every parents talent, my father too."
Aphindiwe: "I never asked you about your
parents nafuthi, uphi tatakho?"
Me: "He's no more."
"Oh I'm sorry."
Me: "Hayi ndaphola, I'm just left ngalanto ithi
uba utata ebekhona nje qha kodwa ngoku I
believe I'm okay. I was shit the past years,
bendiyi kaka, damaged you know? (No, I've
healed, I'm just left with that saying which says
if dad was still alive but now I believe I'm okay. I
was shit the past years, I was shit, damaged
you know?)
Aphindiwe: "What happened?"
Me: "Wagula (he was sick)."
Aphindiwe: "Usweleke nini? (When did he pass
on?)."
I narrowed my eyes, counting using my fingers
which were on the steering wheel
Me: "Andazi baby (I don't know baby), I just
know it's five to six years"
Aphindiwe: "2010 or 11."
Me: "Yeah, it's the day I'll never forget. Fucken
24 September (chuckles)."
She placed her hand on top of mine which was
on the gear, I looked at her and smiled assuring
her that I was okay. She kept quiet for a long
time, when I looked at her wayengathi uyacinga
(when I looked at her she looked as if she was
thinking) before she cleared her throat and said
in a low tone...
"Now how many kids are y'all?"
Me: "We just two. Me and Zizipho"
Aphindiwe: "Nibahle ke."
Me: "(chuckles) we took it from my mother,
utata just gave us the complexion but he was
manly attractive naye."
Aphindiwe: "Ewe your mom is beautiful for
someone as old as her, she's pretty. And she
has that dimple yakho."
Me: "Both sides kuye noZizipho"
She nodded while looking ahead and playing
with the straw of her smoothie
"Who do you look like yena?"
Aphindiwe: "My mother. I took everything from
her."
Me: "The body, those lips, these small eyes?"
Aphindiwe: "(giggles) even the voice qha she
was a little dark so mna I sort of mixed both my
parents skin colour"
Me: "Uyakhetha uDavid mos."
Aphindiwe: "Kakhulu. Just like you"
Me: "(chukles) Hayi not like me. He wasn't doing
your mom like I do you."
She spanked my shoulder while laughing, she
stopped wakhamisa saying "Ah babe" over
again, I blew her a kiss laughing myself
Me: "Ndiyaxoka ke babe? (Am I lying?)"
Aphindiwe: "Not at all."
I looked at her and the way she was looking at
me would make any man hard right this
moment, she took her bottom lip between her
teeth looking at my waist wandinyusa up to my
face, she shifted on her seat causing me to
drop my eyes to her thighs, I licked mine before
turning my gaze to the road
Me: "Ndiyaqhuba baby (I'm driving baby)"
Aphindiwe: "I know. Why uzotsho lonto? (Why
are you saying that?)"
Me: "Yeka uba stout Phindi (Stop being naughty
Phindi)."
She giggled covering her eyes with her hhands
"But andenzanganto. (But I did nothing.)"
Me: "Uzokwenza eyiphi hairstyle? (Which
hairstyle will you do?)"
Aphindiwe: "Am I doing my hair?"
Me: "Yintoni ongayivayo ku masiye esalon?
(What is it you don't understand with let's go to
the salon?)"
Aphindiwe: "Baby yeka uba krwada (Baby stop
being rude), I was just asking."
Me: "Andikhokrwada, bendis..."
I was interrupted by my phone ringing, I looked
at the screen of my car and saw that it was
Mambhele, that being Nomthandazo. I noticed
how Aphindiwe looked at the screen then laid
back on the seat most definitely waiting for me
to answer it. It stopped ringing and just when I
was beginning to think she wasn't going to call
again, she did, knowing it could be something
urgent I answered...
"Hello."
Nomthandazo: "Mihle"
Me: "Hey."
Nomthandazo: "Unjani? (How are you?)"
Me: "I'm okay wena unjani? (I'm okay how are
you?)"
Nomthandazo: "I'm fine. Umama notata want to
see you"
Me: "What?"
Nomthandazo: "My parents, bafuna ukubona
(my parents want to see you)"
Me: "Didn't you tell them I'll be there to see you
Tuesday?"
Nomthandazo: "Bafuna ukubona as in like now,
as a result silungiselela uza apho kuwe (They
want to see you as in like now, as a result we
preparing to come there)."
Me: "What?!"
Nomthandazo: "Yintoni nangawe nah Mihle,
awuvha? (What's up with you Mihle, are you
deaf?)"
Me: "Nomthandazo, Nomthandazo I told you
uba I'm not home."
Nomthandazo: "Find a way to tell that to my dad,
we coming anyway."
She hung up gicing me no chance to response, I
roughly threw a punch on my steering wheel
before muttering a "fuck!" Even if her parents
wanted to see me I knew for a fact she was
responsible for this, her parents wouldn't just
leave their apartment bengayazi uba ndikhona
na, she was the one who pushed them.
"Nxeee."
By now I was looking for a parking at the salon
area, Aphindiwe was quiet this whole time and I
understood why, I was beyond annoyed nyani
so inoba wayecinga uba angaqala incoko ngoku,
I'd probably turn sour on her (I was beyond
annoyed for real so I'm sure she thought if she'd
start a conversation with me now, I'd probably
turn sour on her). I found my parking but didn't
step out of the car immediately instead I laid
my head on the steering wheel and thought on
what I should do. I finally decided I'd drive to
Belmar ndiyovha lento ezothethwa ngababantu,
then I'd return here to fetch Aphindiwe ...
Me: "Bhelekazi."
Aphindiwe: "Mhuh?"
Me: "Mandikushiye apha baby evha then when
I'm done yilanto uNomthandazo andibizela yona
I'll get back here.
She nodded and waited for me to open my door,
when I did after sighing she did the same too.
She took her handbag and pushed her white,
size four flip flops in her feet before closing the
door, we stepped in the ladies salon and a few
heads turned nathi as we stepped in, a lady who
looked round about my age assisted us,
Aphindiwe spoke about getting a weave on, she
pointed a short weave which would hang up to
her shoulders, it was grey and black, the grey
situated at the bottom of the weave...
Hairstylist: "Is that all?"
She nodded but I knew she was still shy around
me when it came to financial matters so she
wouldn't list everything she wanted
Me: "Her nails too."
The hairstylist smiled causing her to blush while
tightening her hold on my hand, the lady who
was assisting us nodded and showed her where
to sit. She sat down and looked at me
Me: "Ndizobuya ungekagqibe mos? (I'll return
before you done mos?)"
Me: "Most probably."
I held her chin and tilted her head to kiss her
lips before kissing her forehead
Me: "I trust her in your hands okay?"
Hairstylist: "She's safe."
Me: "Sure ke baby"
Aphindiwe: "Sharp."

I stepped out and went to Emrold's salon to tell

Robert I had to rush somewhere but I'd be here
before around about one, he agreed that he'd
just shift my appointment until I was back.
I headed to my car thinking what was it now
that Nomthandazo had planned to have her
parents come to my place.
122nd Entry

Nomthandazo

When I called Mihle to report to him that we

were coming I got hinted by the plenty "whats"
he kept on shouting that something was up and
I'm pretty sure it was a female if not Aphindiwe.
Sivuyisiwe didn't want to go, she said she'd stay
noAzola and cook for lunch so we left
sibathathu (as three). Apha endleleni umama
(on our journey my mother) wouldn't stop telling
me about getting a car because I was going to
be a mother, there was no way Vhuvhu would
be able to carry both me and my child, I
understood her clearly but since she wouldn't
stop going on about it, I got irritated...
Me: "Xa caba andikwazi uyithenga lomoto,
uzoya kutatakhe lomntana (pause) unotata
lomntana mama (if it so happens that I don't
buy that car, this child will go stay by her
father's (pause) this child has a father mama."
She shook her head looking at her husband, my
dad just looked at me on the rare mirror before
looking back at the road
Mama: "You're ignorant kodwa mntanam.'
Me: "What is ignorance nah mama?"
She clapped her hands and shut her mouth. I
honestly didn't see anything wrong with what I
was saying, if she somehow found fault in what
I just said then she'd have to call me ignorant ke
ngoba this child had a father, ndandingaxoki xa
ndisitsho (I wasn't lying when I said so).
We drove in silence before utata nomama had a
chat of their own, I went on my WhatsApp and
started chatting nabantu, I decided to send
Mihle a message and ask if he's home nah, I
can imagine if he isn't how my father will react.
Unfortunately he didn't respond, so I carried on
with other conversations.
Zizipho, Mihle's sister, wanted to know what
was going on between her and I and who's this
new girl he was on about. I knew this girl never
liked but I noticed how supportive she was in
many things, even when I was pregnant for the
first time she was there as a sister, even now
when she had I was carrying her brother's child,
she checked up on almost everyday, kaloku
wayengu dadobawo so inoba wayenala nimba
(she was the aunt to this child, so she had that
care).

I don't know why my heart raced this much

when the estate was in view, something really
strong told me he was with someone and I
wasn't the type to doubt my gut, wayingathi I
could tell my parents uba masijike ngoba
ndandosoyika into endizoyifumana phaya (it as
though I could tell my parents that we must turn
back because I had fear of what we'd find there),
if he wasn't around ufika kwethu (when we
arrive) that wouldn't be a problem, I had the
keys to that place...
Tata: "Nomthandazo, ndijonge (Nomthandazo
look at me)"
Me: "Ayiyolena tata (it's not this one dad), it's
that one with the white gates on your left."
He nodded and I found myself sighing from
frustration. Utata did want to talk to Mihle but I
was the one who dragged them here, I told
them I had set a meeting with Mihle and he was
fine with today, I had missed him a lot, there
was no way I'd be able to wait for Tuesday.
After we signed at the gate I decided to ask the
security guard if Mihle is around hence.they
knew each other, he told me he believed he did
see his car even though he wasn't sure
Me: "Take your right, tata."
He did that, I directed him until we were behind
of Mihle's car, his trunk was open and there
plastics in the trunk, however he wasn't outside.
We stepped out of the car and I fixed my loose
dress before taking my handbag and closing
the door, umama was saying something to dad,
I on the hand was looking around at the place
I've missed so much. I turned my head to the
door when I heard his voice, he was on a phone
call as he walked out and stopped at the
doorway wandijonga (he looked at me) still
talking on the phone, he had his eyebrows
furrowed before he nodded and hung up, he
walked towards us...
Mihle: "Molweni tata."
Tata: "Fhaku"
They did the man gesture of showing respect,
hand shake before he turned wajonga umama,
wancuna (he looked at my mother and smiled)
Mihle: "Molweni mama (Good morning mama)."
Mama: "Molo mntanam, uright? (Hello my child,
are you alright?)"
Mihle: "Siyaphila Madiba sibulela impilo le
sisenayo, kunjani kuni mama? (We good
Madiba, just thankful of the life given to us, how
are things by your side mama?)"
Mama: Well, kuhle wethu (Well, it's well).
Mihle: "Tata, Kunjani kuwe? (Tata, how is it by
your side?)"
Tata: "Kuhle Jamakas'jadu, kunjani kuwe nyana?
(It's all well, how is it by you son?)"
Mihle: "Kuyaphileka tata. Ndisakhupha
ez'plastics, ndongeze igrocery kule ibikho."
Tata: "Ewe, uyazenzela ndodana (It's liveable
tata. I'm still emptying my trunk, I added some
couple of things on my grocery)"
Mihle: "(chuckles) into zohlala wedwa tata,
iyazithengela kwanto eyidingayo indoda (things
of living alone, now a man has to purchase
everything by himself)."
Tata: "(Chuckles) kaloku nina bafana bangoku
anisayifuni nalanto yotshata. (It's because you
young men of nowadays don't even want to get
married.)"
He chuckled grabbing the last two plastics from
the trunk before he turned and looked at me
"Nomtha."
Me: "Hello, usukaphi nah? (Where you from?)"
Mihle: "Unjani? (How are you?)"
Me: "(giggles) I'm good how are you?"
Mihle: "I'm okay"
He closed his drunk before picking up the
plastics and raising a brow at me, he asked in
low tone
"Nizokwenzani apha? (What are y'all doing
here?)"
Me: "Ask my parents."
He looked at me shaking his head, I followed
behind him and smiled when his cologne was
left behind with every step he took, looking at
him it brought a lump on my throat knowing
that he was most definitely doing what he used
to do to me, to another lady and what would kill
me more was finding out he was still with her.
We stepped inside, my parents were already in
while umama, like any other woman, was
looking at the ornaments used for decoration,
half of which I chose for him. I walked in the
kitchen with him and went straight to the glass
cardboard, I took out four and rinsed them then
placed them on a wooden tray which was on
the counter. He was packing some items in the
fridge so I opened one of the plastics but he
stopped me...
'Akho drink apho. (There's no cold drink there)"
He pulled out a grape Krush and gave it to me, I
was about to pour it on the classes when
something in the plastic next to me caught my
attention
Me: "Yintoni le? (What's this?)"
Mihle: "Intoni? (What?)"
I turned the plastics and pointed what I was
talking about, he looked at the plastics then
looked at me again before proceeding with
packing the items in the fridge. He answered
not paying the slightest attention to me...
"ZiPads."
Me: "ZiPads? (Chuckles)"
Mihle: "Awuziboni? (Can't you see them?)"
Me: "Who did you buy these for?"
Mihle: "That's not what you came here for
Nomthandazo"
Me: "Uhlala naye apha? (Do you stay with her
here?)"
He turned and looked at it, irritation clear in his
face, he placed his hands on the counter and
looked at me before saying
"Nomthandazo, we apart you remember that
right? I do me, you do you. Uba ndahlala nabani,
andahlala nabani under my roof has got nothing
to do with you (Whether I stay with somebody
or don't under my roof, that's got nothing to do
with you)."
I looked at him with my eyebrows raised, I
looked at the side to regain my composure
before I turned and looked at him again
Me: "Uhlala naye nah Mihle? (Do you stay with
her Mihle?)"
He pulled out Blueberry muffins from one of the
plastics and placed them on the counter next to
the tray
Mihle: "Umama notata balinde lojuice nezo
muffins (Mom and dad are waiting for that juice
and those muffins)"
With that he closed the fridge which has arleted
him twice already that it was open before he
walked out heading to the lounge. I stood there,
I don't know for how long before I sighed out
loud and finished up what I was doing. I took
the tray to the lounge and joined Mihle on the
two seat leather couch, I kept the space
between us. He was talking to my parents and
they were all smiles so I believed the
conversation was flowing kakuhle...
Mihle: "Into ezinjalo wethu mama but kukho
ipositions ezizophuma emsebenzini which
might have me move to Pretoria so ndiyacinga
uba kuzofuneke ndiyincame lomali because
there are things I can't leave behind here
(Something like that mama but there'll be
position recruiting there at work which might
have me move to Pretoria so I'm thinking I
should just let the money go because there are
things I can't leave behind here.)"
Tata: "Ewe wethu nyana, hlala ngale isalary
mntaka Gabavu ngoba kaloku uhamba kwakho
kuzochana nalo mntana usendleleni (Yes son,
stay with the salary that you have now son of
Gabavu because you leaving will affect the baby
on the way.)"
Mihle: "Ewe Bhele, ndizohlalela nento ezinjalo
(Yes Bhele, I'll be staying for things like that)."
Tata: "Nantsi enye into ke Fhaku, silapha nje
namhlanje... (Here is another thing Fhaku, we're
here today...)"
I looked at him as he shifted on his seat, I
believe he's been waiting to hear our reason for
driving here. My father continued...
"uNomthandazo usihlalise phantsi wathetha
nathi wena Fhaku, wasichazela uba xa
enenyanga ezinthanthu ekholelwe uzoyeke
emsebenzini. (Nomthandazo sat us down and
spoke to us Fhaku, she told that on her third
month of pregnancy she will resign from work)."
He looked at me, concern clear in his eyes
before he looked at my father again
Mihle: "Ngoba? (Because?)"
Me: "Ngoba I'll be moving in nawe"
Mihle: "You'll be what?"
I moved closer to him and just when I was
about to touch his thigh he looked at me, I could
tell he was this close to losing cool
Me: "I need to Mihle, for the safety of umntana."
Mihle: "Safety of umntana? (Pause) Bhele
ayizokwazi ukwenzeka lonto (Bhele that can't
happen)."
Mama: "Ngoba? (Why?)"
Me: "Ayizokwazi?! (It can't?!)"
Mihle: "Khawume Nomthandazo (Just wait
Nomthandazo)"
He whispered that, raising his index finger at
me
Mihle: "Mama, tata I don't see the need for
uNomthandazo to resign, we have a baby on the
way, umntana ozodinga izinto (a baby who'll
need things). I know the baby is mine too but
mama I can only give this much, I have a house
and a car to pay bills for, I need uncedo luka
Nomthandazo kumntana wethu (I need
Nomthandazo's help for our child)."
I looked at him and a part of me wanted me to
laugh out loud because I knew he was lying, he
was pulling this act for my parents. I mean
Mihle earned close to hundred thousand in two
weeks from that prostituting thing of his alone,
now imagine when you add that with the thirty-
two thousands he received from his work, how
much he made a month...
Me: "Mihle you need to bond nomntana (with
the child.)"
Mihle: "And when do I do that Nomthandazo?"
Me: "By being here!"
Mihle: "Six ndiyaphuma apha, ndibuya omnye
usix (Six I leave here, I return at another six).
Tired, needing sleep, so where will I get the
chance to bond with the baby?"
Me: "There's many ways, by sharing a bed with
you, chatting with you, smiling with you,
umntana uyazivha ezizinto and that's what you
used to tell me kwakuqala (even the first time).
Ngoku kutshintshe phi? (Now where did that
change?)"
He was looking at me with the most disgusted,
irritated look ever and seeing that I was the only
one who puts effort in this whole thing, I hurt
but I was going to persist I remeber knowing
how to soften this guy
Me: "Mihle?"
He looked at me between narrowed eyes, he did
what he does lanto which I hated the most, bit
on his lower lip, the animal which unleashed
every time he was angry brought fear to me
even to this day
Me: "I'm doing this for us, for lomntana. You
know that I know you'd be damaged if we would
lose this baby too. Mihle I've been with you for
four years, I know how you wear this no bull
face just to prevent the world from running you
over but it has a couple of times, I've seen you
break, I saw how destroyed the loss of our baby
left you. Fhaku wam just allow me this time,
baby ndiyakucela (baby I plead you), let me just
do this right."
Mntaka somnci if you think I was acting ke
apha no I wasn't, I meant every word, half way
through saying that it sank in, reminding me of
this vacancy this man left within me and I knew
how long it took him to get over the loss of our
baby, how much he struggled to let it go
Mihle: "I can..."
Me: "Please, ndiyakucela Nyawuza (I beg you
Nyawuza)."
He sighed and looked at me for a long time
before he looked at the floor, holding his head
in his hands, he kept on clinching his jaws. I
was waiting for him to say something, had he
fallen out of love totally that he wouldn't want to
hear me out just this once. Utata interrupted me
when he spoke
Tata: "Bantwana bam, basibe sinishiya okwa
ngoku, sisaya ngapha ngase Mall. Fhaku? (My
kids, let us leace you alone for now, we're going
to the the mall. Fhaku?)"
He lookes up at my father, this short
confrontation and his eyes were blood red
already
"Ndizothetha nawe njenge ndoda xa ndibuya (I'll
talk to you like a man when I return). A man to
man conversation."
He didn't say anything until my parents stepped
out of the house, he looked at me again before
sighing loudly and leaning on the couch,
wathwala izandla entloko (he placed his hands
over his head) and closed his eyes.
Me: "Mihle (pause) could you say something
please?"
Mihle: "What do you want me to say
Nomthandazo?"
Me: "Anything baby, anything."
He shook his head standing up from the couch,
frustration caused me to get up too, he sighed
again before turning and throwing daggers at
me...
"I compromise for you, ndiyakuxelela (I tell you)
that I'll see you Tuesday, I'll see you nge
weekends if I have to then this is what you do."
Me: "I don't want to be seen ngeweekends nje
qha (only), I want to be seen everyday"
Mihle: "Then I'll fucken drive to Bellville for
fuck's sake!"
Me: "No, no, no Mihle! Hayi!"
He looked at me with his head tilted to the side,
if I wasn't pregnant he would've slapped me,
that's how far he has gone with laying his hands
on me. He swallowed a gulp before addressing
me
Mihle: "Nomthandazo this is my place, my
house, I pay the bills zalendlu (of this house) so
I won't have you tell me which shit to do in my
fucken house!"
Me: "We doing it for the fucken baby!
Awundivha?! (Can't you hear me?)"
He placed on hand on his head meanwhile
chuckling, he paced around shaking his head,
chuckling every second
Mihle: "What are you?"
I won't lie, lena into (this) took me by surprise
Me: "Excuse me?"
Mihle: "What the fuck are you Nomthandazo?"
Ndaqala amehlo mpela sana (I widened my
eyes even more), what type of a question was
this?
Me: "Uzama uthini Mihle? (What are you trying
to say Mihle?)"
Mihle: "(Chuckles) Akekho umntu onokwenza
what you do (there's nobody who'd do what you
do). I buy you a car for your fucken birthday, you
trade it without my permission. We lose a baby,
you pin the blame on me for fucken two years,
make me feel like I fucken didn't feel the loss of
my own child, my fucken child. I bring you in my
house because I love you, you demand for keys.
You force married under threats..."
Me: "I didn't threaten you for tha..."
Mihle: "Just shut up! Fucken shut up!
Awuphilanga bra, you're sick Nomthandazo
(pause) then you wonder why I fell out of love.
Then you fucken wonder why I fell out of love
(chuckles).'
Me: "You can't hold me hostage ngezonto
because you're no saint yourself!"
Mihle: "At least my parents know that. Utata
usweleke eyazi uba ndiyinja, umama ukulakaka
yeBhayi esazi ndiyinja (my father passed on
aware that I'm a dog, my mother is at that kak
of Port Elizabeth aware that I'm dog and you
know what (pause) they love me for me."
Me: "Don't you dare Mihle."
Mihle: "Now I want you to listen to me
Nomthandazo Dabula, if you're planning on
ruining my life because you're carrying umntana
wam, if you are planning on using my child as
an element, a bloody thing to find way into my
life then kill him."
His eyes were filled with tears now. There were
two things which shifted my mood about this
moment, one, knowing this man he never cried
not unless he was really hurt or angry and the
other thing that shifted my mood was when he
told me I could kill the child, he wouldn't say
that because he adored kids. My grew even
bigger and for a second my heart stopped
beating
"Awumthandi lomntana (you don't love this kid),
I don't even know if ayamfuna nah but I do
know that you're using my child as a way to get
back into my life. Xa elapha andiyazi noba
uzomfuna nah (when he's here I'm not even
sure if you'll want him)."
I didn't know what to say, he has never, not in
this four years, said that to me. I somehow
believed it was how he felt ngam ngoku, all
these things he was tolerating for all this year
and now that wayengandifuni (he didn't want
me), he decided he'd just tell me. He stepped
over to the couch we were seated on, took his
car keys and cellphone before he wiped his eye
with the back of his hand. He sniffed and took a
step back, looking at me, I tried holding him but
he moved back creating some distance
between us...
Mihle: "I have nothing else to say kuwe."
Me: "Mihle"
Mihle: "I'm sure you brought the keys with mos
since uzenzila unothanda apha kum, so it's cool
nalapho, you'll lock up xa nihamba."
He walked away, heading to the door, it was
clear to anybody that he wanted to cry because
he kept on sniffing the watery snort. I just
watched him, frozen at that post with nothing
else to say, I was still taken a back because he
had never said such hurtful words to me
Me: "You'll apologize kwabazali bakho for me
(you'll apologize to your parents for me)."
Then he stepped out closing the door roughly. I
sat down on the couch, slowly, replaying this
whole thing which had just happened. There
were tears wetting my cheeks and in honesty I
didn't know if I was crying because of what he
just said or because I felt like he hated me now.

I sat on the couch and listened to the engine of

his car roar, he didn't drive off but kept it on
anyway. After something close to ten minutes I
heard it reverse and that's when I began to cry
over again because as he was driving off I felt
like this was the real goodbye.
123rd Entry
Nomthandazo

I sat there alone in that house, my mind all over

the place, I needed a way to clean up the mess I
just did but I didn't know how. Mihle has never
cried because of me, not even a single day kule
period of years I've known him has he cried
because of me, now I was beating myself up
trying to think of something which would have
me convince his stubborn self that what he was
saying wasn't what I was doing at all, I just
wanted our child to grow with both parents.
After drying my eyes I picked up the tray from
the coffee table and went to place it in the
kitchen, his glass was left untouched and it was
the only one which was still full. Right after that
I walked around the house, looking at this space
which I've grown so fond of, this space which I
missed. When I passed the spare room I stood
in my strides at the passage and leaned against
the wall, I tried collecting my emotions because
I felt like I've cried enough for today, I wasn't
going to shed a tear because I was now a few
steps from his bedroom, no, I was stronger than
that. I inhaled and exhaled, calming my nerves
before I moved away from the wall and tooy
steps slowly to his bedroom, the door was
already opened, advertising it from a distance, I
leaned on the door frame and stared at this
room silently, I took my time to step in and
when I did, my eyes fell on the bed. It was neatly
done like always, he has always been this clean,
one of the things which attracted me to him. I
sat on the bed absentmindedly, I was looking at
this room and thinking how every little space
which occupied it carried a memory.
While I was still looking around this room my
eyes landed on something on top of the
hairdresser, a fucken hair brush, so lomntu
ukhona umntu uwayehlala naye (so this person
had someone he was staying with) or maybe
that particular person visited him during
weekends only but whatever the case I wanted
to find out who it was because a huge part of
me told me it was Aphindiwe and if it was her,
wayezonya (she was going to shit). She was
told to stay away from him and focus on her
studies so if she was still sleeping with my man
there was going to be trouble, there was no way
I'd let her have him if I couldn't. I got up from
that, trying to prevent myself from thinking of all
the dirty things they do in this bedroom, being
here was shuttering me by second. With the
little breathing that was now occurring apha
kum (to me) I managed to make it to the
wardrobe, I took a moment leaning against it
but when I was about to open it something
within told me not to, for my sake. I stood there
staring at the handles of this wardrobe when I
heard my father's Fortuner park on the driveway,
I stormed out of that room and right when I
stepped into the lounge, they walked in...
Tata: "Ntombi"
Me: "Hey tata."
Mama: "Uphi uMihle? (where's Mihle?)"
I looked at mama and shrugged my shoulders
slowly, that question somehow awoken that
heartache I was trying to avoid
Mama: "Xa usithi awumazi uthetha uthini
Nomthandazo? (when you say you don't know
what do you mean Nomthandazo?)"
Me: "I mean he left and andimazi uyephi ( I don't
know where he's gone to.)"
Tata: "Uhambile? (He left?)"
Me: "Ewe tata (yes dad)"
Tata: "Tshini Bawo lomntana, lomfanyana
akayazi imbheko yintoni! (Oh my Lord this kid,
this young man doesn't know what respect is.)"
Mama: "Uhambiswe yintoni uMihle
Nomthandazo?(What made Mihle leave,
Nomthandazo?)"
I furrowed my eyebrows and swallowed before
talking because I was growing a lump on my
throat
"We had a disagreement. He doesn't
understand why we're here.)"
My voice was cracky and I was hoping my
mother would stop asking so many questions
Mama: "He doesn't understand why we're here.
Nomthandazo didn't you say kuthi wena
ngomlomo lo wakho uba wena noMihle niye
navumelana ngokuthi size aph (Nomthandazo
didn't you say to us with you mouth that you
and Mihle had an agreement that we could
come here?)"
Me: 'Ewe mama"
Mama: "Kwathini kengoku?"
Tata: "Oh Madiba khawuyeke umntana.
Awuboni uba ngulamntana wakwa Gabavu lo
ungembheko."
Mama: "Yima myeni wam. Nomthandazo
mntanam, kuye kwathini kuwe noMihle? (Wait
my husband. Nomthandazo what exactly
happened between you and Mihle?)"
Me: "Mama ndikuxelele. We had a
misunderstanding noMihle and he blew it out if
proportion."
Mama: "Sunyusa ilizwe kaloku mntanam (don't
raise your voice my child)."
I shook my head because I could feel I was
about to lose it emotionally, I so wished I could
somehow put an end to this conversation. I
positioned myself on the couch and took my
hand in my heads, I looked at my tear which had
left my eye and dropped close to my Spree
pump. Silence filled the room before I heard my
mother's footsteps come towards where I was
seated...
"Nomthandazo mntanam, kwenzeke ntoni?
(Nomthandazo my child, what happened?)"
Me: "Angandifuni mama (he doesn't want me
mama)."
Mama: "Khange utsho uba wena noMihle niright?
Nikwi good terms? (Didn't you say you and
Mihle are alright? Y'all are on good terms?)"
Me: "Ndixokile mama, I wanted to come see
him, I thought maybe if I came nani you guys
would somehow convince him."
Tata: "Uxokile? (Pause) Nomthandazo
mntanam uhamba usenza izidenge apha
esithubeni? (You lied? (Pause) Nomthandazo
my child you go around making us idiots here
on the way?"
Me: "Tat..."
Tata: "No mntanam, learn to own up to your
mistake. Su'justify! Usifaka njani kwento enje?!
(Don't justify yourself! How do you drag us into
something like this?!)"
Ndathula ngoba I knew if ndingaphendula he'd
say I'm back chatting (I kept quiet because I
knew if I were to respond he'd say I'm back
chatting
chatting). He shook his head and looked at my
mother, umama was now sitting next to me,
with her mouth shut. I thought utata was done
with the yelling until he said...
"Uyabona Neliswa kunezinto endingazo
zamkela mfazi wam, lento yalomntana
ayindiphathi kakuhle. Singabantu
abahloniphekileyo, leyo into yazi nanguloMihle
caba uyamphambanisa ugqiba yena
uNomthandazo she drags igama lakwa Dabula
edakeni oluhlobo (pause) Nomthandazo? (You
see Neliswa there are things I won't tolerate my
wife, this situation of this child doesn't sit well
with me. We are highly respected people, that is
something known by that Mihle who seems to
be driving her out of her mind then
Nomthandazo decides to drag the name of this
family in the mud this way (pause)
Nomthandazo?)"
I looked at him and he called my name again
Me: "Tata?"
Tata: "Mntanam xa ndiyeka uku supporter
ndifuna uzazi izizathu. Asikukhulusanga kanje
Nomthandazo, into oyenzileyo mntanam is out
of line. (My child when I stop supporting you I
want you to know the reasons. We didn't raise
this way Nomthandazo, what you did is out of
line my child.)
Me: "Kodwa tat...<br>
"Rubbish Nomthandazo, rubbish!! It is out of
line. Finish and klaar!"
I kept quiet, as much as I was at the edge so
was he and I didn't want to seem like I had lost
the respect I had for him, he was my father and
I owed him the respect so instead of answering
I looked at umama, she was staring at her
husband with so much concern and worry and a
huge part of me felt bad for this. We sat there in
silence, utata efuthela phezulu (my dad
breathing loudly) after some time seated that
way he got up and grabbed his car keys and
cellphone from the coffee table, waphuma
ngomnyango (he walked out of the door), I
believe this was a 'let's go' hint. Umama got up
grabbing her handbag, she sighed before
looking at me and whispering
"Nomtha, masihambe mntanam."
I nodded but stayed put, there was a lot I would
be leaving behind here if I walked out because
judging from the quarrel Mihle and I had, I
wasn't welcomed here anymore. Umama looked
at me one more time before she headed for the
door, I sighed and got up, from my handbag I
took out the house keys I had handed to me two
years back, I took in the place one more time
holding back the tears I felt coming before I
headed for the door.
As utata was reversing back on the driveway I
sat there and thought behind those closed
doors I didn't only leave the keys in there but my
heart too, it felt like it had jumped out some way
and I was now using something else to keep
alive.

Mihle

On my drive back to the salon I wasn't on my

best mood, ndandi sour nyani (I was sour on the
reals) I had a lot going on in my mind and it was
all affects of what I just walked out on. Right
now the muscle on my neck was being strained
and it was definitely stress, nothing else. Out of
all the things which were lingering in my mind I
figured two were going to affect me emotionally
if they weren't already: one, how much I longed
for a child, it was one thing I didn't have any
luck for, the first girl I impregnated aborted my
child, the second one I lost through miscarriage
then there this one who was now used as
something to get me back to my old self. The
second thing was how I feared Nomthandazo
would abort the baby because I gave her the
permission to. According to Nomthandazo I did
a lot of damage, I accepted that and tried
mending her heart and she seemed okay until
this, nalapha (even here) I understood her
frustration but we both weren't the same
anymore, the relationship we had was toxic and
I wouldn't say I was a saint, I was far from it but
she wasn't doing great either, not that I'm
saying she is the reason I did all this but maybe
it was because I missed the old Nomthandazo
and every time I tried getting back the old, it
always ended back on my face.
Right now, I was a robot away from the gateway
area so I made up my mind that when I get
there I wouldn't go to Aphindiwe immediately, it
would be great if I went to get my hair cut first
then go to Phindi, maybe that would give me
some time to collect my thoughts ndifike kuye
sele ndingcono, emotionally (get to her in a
better condition, emotionally.)
Latterly, I found a parking and turned the engine
of my car off. Before stepping out of the car I
took a few minutes inside with my head on the
steering wheel, judging from the way I felt I
could only imagine how horrible I looked. I
opened the door of my car but something about
my mood would not allow me to step out as yet,
I needed to cool it off first because kule mood
(in this mood) it was easy to inflame me and
right now I was mentally exhausted for the
outcomes of that. In the place of stepping out I
just closed the door and adjourned my seat, I
closed my eyes drowned myself in my
thoughts. As I was laying back in this position I
felt how painful the muscle running down from
the ear to neck was, as well as my head, I
placed my hand on that place and started
rubbing absentmindedly.
Ndandisazi mamele (I was still relaxing) when
some bastard knocked on my window, slowly
opening my eyes I turned and looked at the
security guard who was signaling me to roll
down my window. I opened the door causing
him to jump out the way, ndamjonga(I looked at
him)....
Security guard: "Sure bro yam. Unjani? (How are
you?)"
Me: "Ndi standard (I'm standard)"
Security guard: "Jonga mntakwethu, hayi kakubi
man kodwa lendawo upakishe kuyo ingakhe
isifake inxakini sobabini, so ndicela ubhekele
apha ufumane enye indawo (Look my brother,
not in a bad way but this place where you've
parked could get both of us in trouble, so could
you please move from here and find another
parking.)"
I showed him a thumb before I pulled the door
of my car towards me. From Belmar to here I
used my car because I remembered I had left it
on quarter tank so I wanted to fill it up for the
week. I drove away from that tow zone area and
found another parking not far from where I had
parked before, I checked my wrist watch before
I stepped out and locked my Benz, by twelve I
should be done if lantwana ayithathi xesha layo
(by twelve I should be done if that boy doesn't
take his time). I walked in the salon and felt
relieved when I saw Robert wasn:t busy but
even if he was, I had an appointment here...
Me: "Ntwana"
Robert: "Ya Bhuti Mihle."
I found myself a chair in front of the mirror and
allowed him to cover me with the hair cloth...
"What are you cutting?"
Me: "The usual."
He nodded and collected his equipment to get
started.
It was a period of thirty-two minutes and I was
out heading three salons away to Aphindiwe, I
walked in and immediately saw her sitting by
the table wenza inails, her hair was done
already. I was only a few steps away from her
when I received a call from Bulelani...
"Groot man."
Bulelani: "Uphi ntwana? (Where are you
ntwana?)"
Me: "Ndise gateway, landawo yam yesalons (I'm
at gateway, that place of mine with salons)"
Bulelani: "Le ntwana yecoloured ifuna ikar
yakhe (This colored boy wants his car)."
I had my eyes on this lady who was smiling at
me, immediately when she heard my voice her
eyes searched the room until she turned her
head and looked my direction...
Me: "Jonga ndizophuma in no time Groot man,
yithi kulo ntwana ime (Look I'll be out in no time
Groot time, tell that boy to wait for me)."
I chuckled when I heard Keagan swear at the
background before I hung up and bent to place
a kiss on Phindis forehead...
Me: "How far are you?"
Aphindiwe: "I'm going to dry them ngoku (now)"
I looked at her nails and they looked drier than
usual, curious because all nails I've seen shine I
decided to ask
"Uzoziyeka zinje? Aziqhelanga ushine(a) kanti?
(You leaving them this way? Don't they often
shine?)"
Aphindiwe: "(giggles) these will be matte kaloku
babe."
Me: "Lento ka matte all along it means dry?"
Aphindiwe: "No shine babe, ewe."
Me: "You women and fancy terms. You could
have just used dry, nguMatte wantoni ngoku?"
Aphindiwe: "Dry? Haibo babe that's so normal
and boring."
I looked at her before looking around the salon
for a chair and grabbed the closest which was
empty
'Are you okay? I don't like amehlo wakho (I don't
like your eyes)"
Me: "Headache babe, iyandinyisa. (Headache
babe, it's getting the fucken worst out off me.)"
Aphindiwe: "Uyile eBelmar? (Did you go to
Belmar?)"
Me: "Yeah"
Aphindiwe: "That was quick."
Me: "And kak."
She looked at me, with her eyebrows raised, I
couldn't help but chuckle from hurt of course,
yayinditya lento even though I was appealed
otherwise.
"What happened?"
Me: "We'll talk endlini."
She nodded looking at her nails before she
looked at me again, sympathy and worry clear
in her eyes, faking a smile wouldn't convince her
enough that I was going to be so I took one of
her hands and kissed them but she quickly
pulled it away and examined it...
Aphindiwe: "Babe you'll ruin them."
Me: "Ngoba?"
"Because you need to wait til they dry."
I looked at the lady who was doing her nails as
she returned at the table with a bowl of water
and some hand cream
Me: "(chuckles) I thought it was dry already.
They look dry."
Lady: "(giggles) No, you wouldn't know."
Me: "I'm sorry, I just had to kiss her"
She giggled once again before running her
hands over Phindi's, she then asked me to
change seats with Aphindiwe thereafter washed
her hands, dried them and gave her that cream
to moisturize them...
Me: "How much does everything cost?"
Lady: "R1050"
Me: "Y'all do have a speed point mos?'
She nodded before walking, heading to the teller,
I waited for Aphindiwe to get her handbag and
cellphone, I touched her weave and she looked
at me
Me: "Umhle kodwa Bhelekazi wam (You're
beautiful My Bhelekazi.)"
Aphindiwe: "Thanks baby."
We were walking towards the cash register
when I stopped her when we were at the view of
a longer mirror, ndamjika (I turned) and held her
by the waist
Me: "Khazijonge (look at yourself)"
Aphindiwe: "(giggles) Baby not apha kaloku
(baby not here.)"
She removed my hands from her waist and
moved away from me blushing, she was still
holding my hand when she walled to the teller. I
passed on the card and stood behind her, being
the affectionate type I placed my hands under
her vest causing her to pitch my left hand and
whispered "hayi baby" I only moved my right
when I was pressing my pin on the speed point..
Lady: "Thanks a lot okay?"
Me: "Anytime."
Lady: "Bye Phindi"
Aphindiwe: "Bye love."
We walked out hand in hand, she couldn't stop
laughing at the comments I was making about
leaving her here for two hours and she already
made friend, those were tendencies of being
too forward qha wayeyenzela phantsi lento
yakhe (but she was doing it undercover).
Aphindiwe: "Haibo you came ngeBenz?"
Me: "Yeah, bendifuna uyigcwalisa (yeah I
wanted to fill it)."
We sat in the car and because she was here
next to me I tried not to think about what
happened earlier on but since I heading back to
that house I couldn't help but think of it, there
was nothing I hated like feeling lost and afraid
at the same time, I was lost because I didn't
know what decisions I had to take to make
things right, for things to go my way and I was
afraid because I felt I was about to lose one of
thr persons I cared about and the one thing she
carried which I longed for.
Aphindiwe and I drove in small chats back to
Belmar Estate, she spoke about making me a
thanks meal for making her this pretty but she
kept on reminding me that she couldn't cook so
I'd have to appreciate what I give her. We
arrived at Belmar, Bulelani's Wrangler was
packed outside but they weren't in the car and I
noticed the door was open which kind of
shocked me because if Nomthandazo was
somehow still inside there I didn't know how I'd
take it because by now I had expected them to
leave already but her father's car wasn't in sight.
We walked in and the first thing I heard were
manly voices, which belonged to the two men I
knew off...
Me: "Nenzani kwam? Break in? (What are y'all
doing at my home? Break in?)"
Bulelani: "Kaka yebreak in, your house was
fucken open when arrived here."
Me: "Open?"
I cocked a brow and looked at Bulelani before I
gazing around
Keagan: "And who's keys are these? (Pause)
Hello Phindi"
Aphindiwe: "Hello K."
Me: Throw them in the bin."
Keagan: "What? Hoekom? (Why)"
Bulelani: "Just do it kwedini!"
Keagan surrendered before walking to the
kitchen, I sat on the couch sighing loudly before
I pulled Aphindiwe by the waist to put her on top
of my lap but she ended up positioning herself
between my thighs so I opened my legs to
make space for her curved bottoms. With my
one hand on my baby's waist and the other on
my forehead I laid back on the couch...
"K bring vir my 'n glass of water."
He was still in the kitchen when I yelled that and
I knew he must have heard me when I heard the
fridge open.
Bulelani: "You look like shit ntwana. Utyiwa
yintoni? (What's eating you up?)"
Me: "Ya Groot man (pause) life is shit."
I sat up straight bring Aphindiwe close to me,
she sat diagonally, her one leg on top of mine
and her upper body leaning on the armrest, she
too looked at me like Bulelani was doing...
"Yintoni inxaki ngoku? (What's the problem
now?)"
I furrowed my eyebrows because I was once
again growing that fucken irritating lump. I
didn't know where to look, my eyes were gazing
all over the place and it was all because I was
trying not to lose it here but I couldn't, this one
hurt, close to that level of losing a child.
Me: "(sighs) Groot man."
He placed his cell phone on the coffee table and
looked at me, Aphindiwe took my other hand in
hers while my other one was on her knee.

I narrowed my eyes and passed my gaze from

Bulelani to Aphindiwe who was looking at me
with so much worry. She squeezed my hand
and kept still. It was that quiet that the only
thing you could hear was our breathing and
when I swallowed not ready to talk about the
quarrel that happened earlier on. Truly speaking
I hoped I could reverse time and change a
couple of things I said because right now fate
was telling me ndandingazoba nomntana in a
few months from now (I wasn't going to be
having a child in a few more the from now).
124th Entry

Aphindiwe

I looked at Mihle and what broke my instantly

when I laid my eyes on him was how I noticed
he was at a breaking point, his eyes were
becoming teary and red, if he were a girl he
would've cried already. I attempted on getting
up to find my own seat but he held me firm in
that position, he looked at Bulelani then at me
before he closed his eyes and looked up sighing
loudly, he laid his hand on the couch moving his
hand from my knee to his eyes which he rubbed
continuously...
Bulelani: "Phindi khawuhlala kwenye indawo
nana, ndifuna athethe uMihle (Phindi could find
another seat, I want Mihle to talk.)"
When I shifted this time he didn't hold me, he let
me go, when I moved from in between his legs
he still had his eyes closed and his head tilted
upwards. I sat on the empty couch before I was
joined by Keagan who had Mihle a glass of
water and for himself, a glass of orange juice.
Bulelani: "Mihle?"
Mihle: "Groot man?"
Bulelani: "Ndijonge mntakwethu (Look at me
home boy)"
He breathed loudly before he moved to the
edge of the couch and extended his hand to
take the glass of water, he drank from the glass
until it was up to a quarter. He held it in his
hands as he started talking...
"uNomthandazo came here nabazali bakhe
because bathi uNomthandazo wants to
(pause)..."
My heart raced, I don't know why but crazy
thought filled my mind and if it had anything
with aborting ndandingazo kwazi, I couldn't
handle anymore deaths in my life or in the lives
of people who surrounded me...
Mihle: "She wants to move in."
I sighed lowly, my muscles relaxing, as terrible
as this one sounded it was way better than
destroying that zygote which later would form
into something so precious
Bulelani: "Move in phi, apha? (Move in whee,
here?)"
Mihle: "Ya apha (pause) after inyanga ezintathu
ekhulelwe (Ya here (pause) after three months
of her pregnancy)."
Bulelani: "Bathi kutheni efuna umove(a) in
kengoku? (Why are they saying she wants to
move in?)"
Mihle: "(chuckles) uthi (she says) so I can bond
with the baby."
Bulelani quickly passed his gaze from Mihle to
me then back to Mihle, my eyes were roaming
around the room, my nerves couldn't keep still
ever since this conversation started...
Bulelani: "So wathini wena? (So what did you
say?)"
Mihle: "Yazi Groot man, ndiyazazi uba ndiyikaka
yendoda nhe but xa ndikuthanda ndiyakuthanda
and when I care for you I care (pause)
ndiyaphambana ndibeligeza Groot man when
you don't appreciate me or the things I do for
you. Now when I'm trying to reach out undizele
ngez'tyle... (You know Groot man, I know that
I'm a shit of a man but when I love you, I love
you and when I care for you I care (pause) I got
mad and become crazy Groot man when you
don't appreciate me or the things I do for you.
Now when I try to reach out you bring me a
funny attitude...)"
He shook his head, my eyes went from his face
to his hands which were shaking, holding tight
on that glass. He finally placed the glass on the
table and got up, honestly I hated watching him
this way so I got up and just when I was about
to head to the bedroom he asked
"Uyaphi? (Where you off to?)"
Me: "To the bedroom."
Mihle: "I want you to hear this."
He looked at the couch I just stood up from
then back at me, indication yoba mandiphinde
ndiyochopha sana (indication that I should
return to sitting). He chewed on his bottom lip,
the harder he bit on it, the more deeper his
dimple became...
"Uyabona Bulelani bra, the thing is apha (pause)
kuyo yonke lekaka uNomthandazo is using
umntanam as an element to force me back to
love (chuckles and pause) Groot man
ndimthandile lamntana. Ndimfumene lamntana
engasebenzi, yeah she had her fancy degree but
she doing fuck all with it, I got her a job, I
remember ndim'draft(ela) ikaka yeCV, dragged
her out of this drinking thing ebeziqhelise yona
all because I loved her. Two years along the line
she felt she owned me because she knew
about..."
He kept quiet and looked at me in between
narrowed eyes, I looked back at him and waited
for him to continue, instead of talking he moved
from where he was standing and sat on the
armrest of the couch and stared hard at the
floor. He spoke at a lower tone...
Mihle: "I said bakasikhuphe isisu (I said she can
abort the baby.)"
I wasn't the only one who got affected yilonto
because I saw how Bulelani looked at him and
how Keagan just stopped from moving,
wanjonga (and looked at him)...
Keagan: "You did what? Is djy mal bra?! Djy mos
weet dit is een ding djy sok the most in djou
lewe! (Are you mad bra?! You definitely know
that is one thing you need the most in your
life!)"
Mihle: "Nie so nie K. Not like this."
Bulelani: "Yima yeMihle, uyithetha njani into
enjalo kulamntana uyazi uba akacingi lamntana?
(Wait Mihle, how do you say such a thing to that
kid knowing she doesn't think?)"
He didn't answer, he just looked at Bulelani then
back at the floor
Me: "Why did you tell her to do that?"
He turned his head and looked at me with a
straight face before he furrowed his eyebrows
at me, he kept quiet for a while before he asked
"Why?"
Me: "Yeah because if this is all about moving in
nawe then let her move in."
He raised his eyebrows at me as if I've just said
the most fucked up thing ever
Mihle: "Moving in has got nothing to do with this,
using my child as a weapon to keeping me on
my knees is the problem."
Me: "But kuye it's about moving in, she'll use the
child until you let her in."
Mihle: "Aphindiwe?"
Me: "Just do it toro. Not long ago you told me
uyamfuna umntana but awuna lucky yabo and
this is your chance"
"What about us?"
I kept quiet, I haven't been thinking about us, I
was concerned about what he wants and now
that he asked my worries arose, I knew that lady
was capable of doing anything to make Mihle
hate me
Me: "We'll work things through."
Mihle: "Work them through? (Chuckles) I'm not
letting that happen because that will only break
us."
Me: "Could you just st..."
Mihle: "Aphindiwe! Ayizokwenzeka lonto! And
that's my final word."
Bulelani: "Mihle, consider lento ithethwa
ngulomntana."
Mihle: "And risk what Groot man, never holding
her again?"
Me: "What's worth risking for, me or your child?"
Mihle: "I've connected with you in ways that I
haven't connected with my child yet."
Me: "You will connect naye nomtana Mihle!"
Mihle: "And lose you."
I kept quiet, he was standing again now,
frustration clear in his eyes, it was easy to see
that he was emotionally exhausted
"Babe I'm going nowhere."
He shook his head before turning his back on
me, he took a few steps and stopped turning to
look at me
Mihle: "That's a lie.
Ndamjonga ngeyona look ene cheek ngoba
kaloku ndandingayi understand(i) uba imistrust
engaka yayisukaphi (I looked at him with the
cheekest loom ever because I didn't understand
where do much mistrust came from)
Mihle: "You're not saying that because right now
I need that kind of support but when
uNomthandazo is back here (pause)
awuzokwazi umnyamezela (you won't be able
to tolerate her)."
Me: "I'll be at school."
"At school? (Chuckles)"
Me: "Babe ndicela ungabi difficult toro we
spoke about this. I need to attend classes and
be close to icampus"
He looked at me with his left eye narrowed
more than his right, he didn't respond instead
wahlala on the single couch he was sitting on a
few minutes back. Silence filled the room with
us looking amongst each other and at him, he
was staring at the fireplace without blinking.
Bulelani interrupted the silence by saying
Bulelani: "Miles jonga ndoda, apha you messed
up big time and this time around umoshe the
wrong girl so I'm gonna need you to put aside
your soft spot for her and think, cinga boy
ngoba she'll destroy xa usenza kanje. And
remember wazi kwanto yakho lamntana and
with the attitude she gave you once at work in
front of your colleagues usezokunyathela so
think ntwana, put aside kwanto elusizi and use
langqondo you use xa sise game(ini). (Miles
look man, here you messed up big time and this
time around you did wrong the wrong girl so I'm
gonna need you to put aside your soft spot for
her and think, think boy because she'll destroy
you if you continue doing this way. And
remember she knows everything of yours that
kid and with the attitude she gave you once at
work in front of your colleagues, she'll step over
you so think ntwana, put aside any sympathy
and use the mind you use when we at the
game.)"
He finally averted his eyes from the fireplace
and slowly turned to Bulelani, Bhuti'B nodded
getting his ass up from the couch, he held his
shoulder and tightened his grip before touching
his hand and bring him close in manly hug
"Man up ndoda, andikwazi unje. Man up (Man
up man, I don't know you like this. Man up)."
He let go of him and pulled out his car keys
from his pocket, he turned and looked at
Keagan
Bulelani: "Ntwana ndiyavaya, you leaving?
(Ntwana I'm leaving, you leaving?)"
Keagan: "Ya laat ek somer wy (Let me go)."
Mihle searched his pockets and pulled out
Keagan's car keys and said "dankie" making
Keagan nod.
Bulelani: "Phindi."
Me: "Bhuti?"
Bulelani: "Ndizokubona sisi evha, take care of
my boy (I'll see you okay, take care of my boy)"
Me: "Bye. Bye K"
Keagan: "Sure baby (pause) Miles?"
Mihle: "Ya."
Keagan: "Moenie kak eet nie (Don't fed on shit)."
Mihle chuckled nodding and they stepped out
leaving babe and I in silence. We never this
quiet unless we're cuddling and both of us are
sleepy. He stared far ahead still thinking and for
a moment I wished I was inside his brain just so
I'd know what he was thinking about.
Subsequent to his thinking, he finally stopped
chowing his mouth and looked at me, I was
staring at the TV which was broadcasting TLC,
channel 135, when I felt his eyes on me I moved
my gaze from the television to him...
"Come here."
I sighed from nervousness and got up to stand
next to the couch, he laid back allowing the
couch to kick out that thing which I don't know
the name off but it's used to rest the feet. He
took my hand and gently pulled me in to sit on
his lap with my legs on each of his sides
Mihle: "Mambhele"
Me: "Thahla."
He smiled and I mirrored his smile, glad that for
the first time in stressful two hours he smiled...
Mihle: "Usazelaphi ke ezo? (Where do you know
that one from?)"
Me: "Hayi tshini ndiyakwazi babe. Unyawuza,
Fhaku, Thahla (I know you babe (clan names)"
Mihle: "Mambhele wam, Langa wam."
Me: "Baby?"
Mihle: "I want you to know as much as I'm
hungry for umntana I'm not willing to lose you."
Me: "I know and nam andifuna, I'm not willing to
lose you too but your happiness is my concern."
Mihle: "This sick plan yakho of telling me to
bring back uNomthandazo back in here will not
treat you well in the long run."
Me: "Ngoba? (Why?) Should I be worried?"
Mihle: "Not at all. I got you"
Me: "So you'll consider it."
"Think about it."
Me: "Baby?"
Mihle: "Ndizoyicinga (I'll think about it)"
Me: "Okay (pause) so what are we eating?"
Mihle: "(chuckles) come on, khange utsho uba
uzopheka kanti? (Come on, didn't you say you'd
cook?)"
I looked at him through my fingers meanwhile
my face was hid behind my hands, he moved
them away but tickling me...
Me: "Okay baby but I want you to help me
(pause) by the look of things awuzokwazi (you
won't be able to)."
Mihle: "Andizokwazi nyani, uyabona nangoku
ndifuna ulala, I got a fucked up headache (I
won't be able to for real, you see now I want to
sleep, I got a fucked up headache.)"
Me: "About tomorrow, senzanjani? (About
tomorrow, how we doing things?"
Mihle: "Ngantoni? (On?)"
Me: "School."
Mihle: "I'll drop you off kwasekuseni (in the
morning) or you know what time you attending
so I come fetch you?"
I shook my head
"Then we'll leave together. Nango half six
ndizozokulanda (At half six I'll come fetch you)"
Me: "For?"
He cocked his eyebrow at me and I tried
searching my mind to remind about what he
was on about, after a few seconds it clicked
Me: "Oh the place?"
Mihle: "Ya."
Me: "You seem nervous every time we talk
about lento"
Mihle: "Inxaki I can't stop thinking of the
consequences."
Tired of always hearing the same thing I got off
from lap and collected the glasses from the
table
"Tomorrow we getting over and done with it, no
need yoba uxhala (no need for you to be
anxious.)"
Mihle: "I guess so. Jonga please bring me
igrandpa from eza plastics ziphezukwe counter
(Look please bring me a grandpa from those
plastics on top of the counter.)"
I walked over to the kitchen and rinsed the
glasses, I unpacked the plastics and those
which had itoiletry yethu (our toiletry) I took in
my hand, I poured Mihle a glass of water and
went back to the lounge, gave it to him with his
grandpa before heading to the bedroom to
place this plastics.
I returned to the lounge with him relaxing on the
couch, his eyes closed and he still had that
glass in his hand. I stood over him and took it
from his hand causing him to open his eyes, he
smiled before closing them again, before
moving away from him I placed a baby kiss on
his lips...
Me: "Uyalala?"
Mihle: "Ewe baby, I need the nap."
I nodded even though wayengandiboni (he
didn't see me)"
Mihle: "Ungapheki, we'll go buy ifried chicken
eWoolworths (don't cook, we'll go buy fried
chicken from Woolworths)"
Me: "Siyitye neza salads? (and eat it with those
salads?)"
Mihle: "Ewe."
I scrolled the TV channels without anything to
watch until I saw the repeat of Sisterhood of
Hip Hop playing, this was better than not
watching at all. I was on my third episode when
I felt really bored and started to become drowsy
myself, I looked at Mihle and saw how fast
asleep he was now, grabbing the two cushions
on the couch, I placed them under my head to
make a pillow and dragged myself to sleep.
Dololo ubuthongo ke sana (Dololo sleep),
without nothing to do because even that little
interest I had for television was now wearing off,
I got up and headed to the kitchen. In the pantry
I took out the Oreo biscuits, took a size plate
from the dish wrack and crushed about four
biscuits on it. I took out a bowl and two of the
chocolate delights I bought, mixed them with
the crushed oreos and went back to the lounge.
Looking at my man I actually smiled when I
thought of how he'd want some if he'd wake
right now, never in my life have I came across a
man who has such q sweet tooth, uDavid didn't
but he was just a fan of yoghurt.
It was funny how after finishing that bowl I
managed to sleep, because as I was laying
there I could feel my body letting in so I allowed
myself to drift off to sleep. I woke up some time
because of the cramps on my arm, I tried
stretching it and when it felt better I turned over,
facing the other side and went back to sleep
only to wake up to a smell of grilled chicken and
those old songs zika Ringo playing softly in the
lounge. I sat and stretched before rubbing my
eyes, Mihle wasn't on his couch and the bowl
wasn't on the table, I had a maroon flees
blanket on me. I looked at the watch and almost
fainted when I saw it was 18:52, yawning and
stretching once again I got up from the couch
and leaped through my first few steps, I believe
my right leg was irritated by the way I had slept
because it wasn't strong as yet. Before stepping
into the kitchen I exercised it for a while and
continued walking when I felt it was better, I
walked to Mihle who had a glass of orange juice
in his hands and he was staring at the tray of
chicken wings in front of him, since I was
walking barefoot I doubted he could hear me,
he only turned when I was sitting on one of the
counter's chairs...
"Awake?"
I nodded rubbing the sleep from my eyes one
more time
Me: "You cooked?"
Mihle: "Yeah when I saw indlela le ubuleli ngayo
(the way you were sleeping) I decided not to
wake you uba undikhaphe (to escort me) so I
grilled these."
Me: "Kutheni ingathi zinitsi njena babe? (Why do
the seem a lot babe?)"
I asked jumping off the chair and taking a few
steps to him
Mihle: "They're twelve."
Me: "Only for the two of us. Makhulu lamaphiko
babe (these wings are big babe)"
Mihle: "Bekushiyeke only twelve so I decided
uba ndizipheke zonke, uba bendipheke eight la
four ndiyishiyela bani? (There was only left so I
decided to cook all of them, if I cooked eight
and left four for whom would I be leaving
those?)"
Me: "They smell good."
"Try one. Zisatshisa kodwa (they still hot
though)"
Mihle: "Ndikhule noMama babe, so you can
imagine (pause) but I also have it incan"
Me: "You'll have to teach me."
Mihle: "Do I have an option? Angaphambana
umama uba angeva ndihlala nentombi
engakwazi upheka (my mom would go insane if
she'd hear I stay with a girl who can't cook)."
I took a wing and returned to the chair...
Me: "It's mother's fear lonto because no mama
she used to yell at me uba ndizotshata njani
ndingakwazi upheka ( about how I'll get married
without knowing how to cook). But I can bake
though"
Mihle: "(chuckles) inxaki yakho you could live
only on sweet things wena."
Me: "Not always tshini.'
Mihle: "We need to sleep early namhlanje, le
weekend indigqibe amandla, if ever I sleep late
asoze ndikwazi uvuka. (We need to sleep early
today, this weekend drained me, if ever I sleep
late I won't be able to wake up.)"
Me: "After bathing"
Mihle: "Thixo wam, hayi uzohlamba wedwa
baby, I can:t (O my Lord, no you'll bath alone
baby, I can't.)"
We sat there chatting before I helped him dish
up, we sat at the counter and ate between small
talks, he was telling me about this whole thing
ka Nomthandazo and I won't lie I felt sorry for
for him, this thing was stressing him and for the
first time since I met him he didn't know what
decision to make.
Me: "Just bring her in, izomisa inxaki ezinintsi
lonto because now if ever you do let her go on
with whatever she wants she might destroy you
like Bulelani said"
Mihle: "It isn't easy"
Me: "You need to bond with umntana, she's
right apho and babe (pause) for your child's
sake akufunekanga nicaphukelane noNomtha.
And for you to be able to see your child
whenever you want, you need to support her
through pregnancy."
Mihle: "How old are you again?"
Me: "(giggles) I'll be 22 nge 20th zika
November."
Mihle: "And you think like a married woman."
I looked at him meanwhile breaking the wing I
had in my hands in two
"And it's fucken attractive."
Me: All thanks to utatam. I believe if he was soft
kum ndisakhula I wouldn't have been able to
use my brains like I do."
He smirked in a very naughty way with his
bottom lip held between his teeth, I couldn't
help blush before I got up and started packing
our dishes. I filled the sink with luke warm water,
poured a piece of dishwasher and washed
those, he helped rinse and place them on dissh
wrack. When the kitchen was spotless we
headed to the bedroom after switching off all
the lights which were to be switched off during
the night, like he said he refused to go take a
bath with me so I went alone and I took my time,
relaxing in the foamed tub. Latterly, he walked
in and stood at the door...
"You been here for hours ngoku."
Me: "Ndizimamele (I'm relaxing)"
Mihle: "Ndiyalala ke (I'm sleeping then)"
Me: "I'll be there in a sec."
He left the door of the bathroom open and I laid
there with my eyes closed thinking of the advice
I've given him, I just prayed that it wasn't going
to grow teeth and come biting at me. I stepped
out of the tub when the water ran cold and I
couldn't fill the tub anymore because it was
already full. After cleaning the bathroom I left to
the bedroom with a towel covering my body, the
bedroom light was switched off so I switched it
on and noticed how my man was sleeping
already, he groaned irritably when the light hit
his eyes, pulling the black and white comforter
to cover up his face. I tried to be as quiet as
ever when I was getting ready for bed and
thinking that he's sleeping I almost collapsed
from shock when he said in a husky voice...
"Gqiba babe, the light."
I turned and looked at him for a while because
from the mini fright I had Iwasn't even sure if he
was the one who spoke...
Mihle: "Uyandivha Aphindiwe?"
Me: "Ewe babe"
He turned over and faced the other side.
I laid on the bed and faced his back, kissed his
back before laying my head on it.
I had my own worries, I wanted him to be happy
but I couldn't help but feel that him having
Nomthandazo back under his roof would mean
understanding every little thing, tolerating her
attitude and understanding that they would be a
family.
125th Entry

Aphindiwe

The following morning I woke up kuqala due to

a bad dream I was having, I managed to sit on
my butt and eye search the room which was
obscured from light, Mihle was laying besides
me peacefully. Through the huge grey and black
luxury curtains I could see the morning light
which indicated that it wasn't dawn anymore.
Still seated on my butt I searched for my phone
under my pillow, I pulled it out and checked the
time, the time had just hit five so in lieu of
going back to sleep I decided to take a bath
kuqala then I'd wake this heavenly gifted man
next to me. I slowly got off the bed and avoided
switching off the light because I'd wake up, I
went over to the windows and opened one of
them, took my toiletry bag as I was heading out
of the bathroom.
Knowing that someone else had to take a bath
or shower after me, I rushed my way through
but came out clean, even though I didn't spend
the time I often spend when using the bathroom.
I walked into the bedroom with Mihle on a
phone call, his voice was still husky from sleep,
he was laying flat on his tummy, arms stretched
across the bed, his head on the side with his
cell phone placed on top of his ear. With the
light on I went to go sit in front of the
hairdresser and like any other girlfriend I was
listening to his responses trying to make out
whom it was he was talking to nge to six ekseni
(to six in the morning), by luck it was his mother
because I heard when he mentioned his sister's
name then kept on saying "nozala." He finished
off the conversation and with my back on him, I
heard him turn over and groan...
"Ngubani ixesha? (What time is it?)"
He asked in a husky voice, I shrugged my
shoulders forgetting that wayengandijonganga
Mihle: "Aphindiwe?"
Me: "Huh?"
Mihle: "I asked ngubani ixesha? (I asked what
time is it?)"
Me: "Andazi, check your phone."
He kept still for a while before I heard him
shuffle, I turned on the chair and looked at him,
he was now seated, his feet hanging off the bed
and he was doing something on his phone. By
now I had stop moisturizing my body, I was just
staring at him, he slowly turned his head and
looked at, I resisted licking my lips, he was a
God naxa evuka (even when he wakes up) noba
kwakwenzekile uba abembi ke, to me wayezoba
yicream (even if it happened that he was ugly,
to me he'd still remain handsome) because the
ladies know when you were in love with
someone you saw nothing negative about them
ngoba until you had to part ways with them.
He finally placed his phone next to the bedside
lamp and walked over to me, he placed a long
warm kiss on my forehead
Mihle: "Good morning"
Me: "Morning."
He seemed grumpy and I understood uba
wayetyiwa zinto zakhe ubhuti (he was being
bothered by his own things), from the quarrel
with Nomthandazo, to this call which he just
received from his mother because the way it
ended, he didn't seem pleased. I got up from the
chair leaving the towel there and walked over to
where I had left my bag opened, he was at the
wardrobe pulling out his uniform items, one by
one. I took my matching undergarments and
wore them now still looking through this small
bag, going through the three outfits I had left
from the weekend. Indecisive on which one to
wear I laid all three on the bed, Mihle walked
over to the other side of the bed and placed his
uniformed, neatly, I watched how he looked at
my outfits one by one before he passed his
gaze at me...
"Ndicela undinike la phone? (Could you pass me
that cellphone?)"
I passed it to him and stood there, glued to the
spot no longer concentrating on the clothes in
front of me but to my man who seemed really
off
Me: "Uright?"
He nodded, faking a smile meanwhile he had
his cellphone on his ear, he was looking at me
this whole time until the person on the other
line answered...
Mihle: "Khathethe lento ndiyivha ngomama
Zizipho (Talk about what I just heard from mom
Zizipho)"
I heard her squeaky voice on the other side, I
shifted my mind back to the clothes in front of
me, just when I took my leggings he
commented
Mihle: "Ha.a nxiba esi'skirt."
I looked at him, he was pointing at my grey tight
skirt which was matched with a white vest on
the bed.
Mihle: "Hayi andithethi nawe, qhumeka
ndimamele (No I'm not talking to you, continue
I'm listening)"
I was either matching this with the olive green
suede laced pump I had or with my boots
because those were the only shoes suitable to
wear for such a long day, there was no way I'd
be on a heel. I wasn't paying much mind to
Mihle's conversation until I heard him say
"So ufuna uzohlala apha, kwatshintsha ntoni
perhaps when I wanted you here wabe ungafuni
uza? (So you want to move to here, what
changed perhaps when I wanted you here and
you refused?)"
He narrowed his eyes and pulled his phone
away from his eyes, he looked at it before
returning to his sister
"Yee Zee uyayiqonda uba my life right now is
fucked up? So I'm supposed to fly you here then
job hunt for you?... Ow uzozijongela?... Umama
ashiyeke nabani? (Zee do you know how fucked
up my life is right now? So I'm supposed to fly
you here then job hunt for you?... Ow you'll look
for yourself?... Who will be left with mama?)"
He helped me removed our clothes and place
them on the long brown sleeping couch he had
in his bedroom, he also removed a couple of
pillows while he was still on the phone call...
Mihle: "Jonga ke mntaka mama, I'll get you here
kodwa Zizipho ndifuna undimamelise kakhle, if
kuye kwenzeka uba within a period of two
months akhonto ecacayo ngalento uzoyenza
apha, I'm sending you back home. (Look my
mother's daughter, I'll get you here but Zizipho I
want you to listen to me attentively, if it
happens that within a period of two months
there's nothing clear with what you're here to do,
I'm sending you back home.)"
I assumed she disagreed when he said
"It's either that or awuzi kwa uza. (It's either that
or you're not coming at all.)"
He listened to her for a short while before he
ended the call, by now I was fixing the sheet,
yachupha lendoda sana (this man sat) and
looked at me
Mihle: "Morning treat?"
He had his brow cocked at him and this smirk
on his face, I stood where I was still holding the
corner of the sheet
Me: "Sizoba late (we'll be late)."
Mihle: "Uleqaphi? (where you rushing to?)"
Me: "Nowhere, ndicingela wena (Nowhere, I'm
concerned about you)"
Mihle: "Su wara ngam baby (don't worry about
me baby). Now come here."
My body reacted immediately to that, my heart
stopped for a second and the goosebumps
which now showed on my skin and I could feel
how the butterflies made my thighs feel shaky.
He wasn't looking at me at any other place but
my eyes, I guess he was reading every emotion
I was feeling at the moment because he
chuckled, licking his bottom lip. When he got up
from the bed and walked to where I was
standing I felt my palms sweat, I swear his
touch was something I was still trying to get
used to. It did things to me. He stood behind
me and placed a kiss on my shoulder, I
somehow stood on my tippy toes when he
slowly ran the tip of his wet tongue from my
neck to the bottom of my ear. I gasped for air
when he dug his fingers on my waist, bringing
me close, by now my heart was hammering
against my chest. Between a husky, sexy,
naughty voice he addressed me
Mihle: "Let me go take a bath, ndizobuya (pause)
and I'll do some things to you that I won't be
able to do for the whole week. Don't fix the bed
cause we'll mess it up anyway."
I couldn't help but blush, never in my life have I
loved raw men but this one here, he could
speak any language and have me dry my
panties in a matter of seconds. He moved away
causing the air to fill my back, I don't know why
but I just wanted to wait for him to leave the
room so I'd sigh if I needed to sigh, just to ease
this excitement my body was having.
He took his toiletry and left the room, I watched
him until he disappeared into the passage, I
sighed, loudly before sitting on the bed, he had
told me not to make it but I was going to
anyway. By the time he got back I was sitting in
front of the hairdresser with my skirt on, I
smiled at him through the mirror when he stood
in the middle of room with a towel covering his
lower body and looked at me. I turned on the
chair and looked back at him
Me: "Yintoni? (What is it?)"
Mihle: "Khaze apha (come here)"
I got up and walked slowly towards him, I was a
step away from him when I extended my hand
to him, he looked at it as he took it in his. He
didn't pull me in immediately but stood there
and looked at me, from my face to my waist
and back
Mihle: "Phindi?"
Me: "Babe?"
Mihle: "Namhlanje might be the end of us,
depending on how you'll handle what I'm going
to show you today"
Me: "Then why show me xa izosehlukanisa?
(Then why show me if it'll separate us?)"
Mihle: "Because I have to. I want you to know
the type of person you're falling in love with."
Me: "Isn't the you standing in front of me
enough nah Mihle?"
I tried pulling my hand away from his hand but
he held me tight, what scared me was the worry
written all over his face, the way he had his
eyebrows furrowed at me for a long while
before he answered
"The guy I am in bed, this hopeless romantic
asshole I am when I'm with you is just thirty
percent of who I am, awukandazi Phindi and I'd
hate it if you fell in love with someone I'm not
then realize on the longer run that I'm not who
you thought I was."
Me: "Can we not see it?"
He narrowed his eyes before pulling me closer,
the way my nervous were at a breaking point I
couldn't even stand still but he enveloped his
arms around me, wandinyusa (and picked me
up), being the person that I am, I encircled my
legs around his waist and hugged him tight.
Advantages of dating ijoni, ndandi lift(wa)
nangeliphi ixesha(advantages of dating a
soldier, I was lifted at anytime). I was still in his
arms, my chin on his shoulder when he spoke
Mihle: "Let's get it over and done with rather
than waiting ide ibenzulu lento then have you
hate me afterwards (until this gets deep then
have you hate me afterwards)."
He made some sense and I won't lie I was
fucken scared but he was right, I needed to
know and make up my mind but I doubted I'd
leave him. At this point, my skirt was lifted up to
my waist, I was deep in my thoughts that I didn't
even notice he was now holding me with one
arm, I only snapped back to reality when I felt a
finger trace my baby through my panties. My
body reacting, I held him causing him to groan
or hiss, I wasn't sure which one of those it was
because I was concentrated on my clit and
body which were getting so excited.
Mihle: "Phindi?"
"Mhuh?"
Mihle: "Look at me Nhanha ka David."
I blushed, pulling cute faces behind his back
before I leaned back a little, looking at him, he
was smiling too but that smile changed within a
matter of second when he shifted my panties to
the side with just one finger then shoved it in,
the whole finger. I held onto his shoulders and
tightened my legs to move up nje kancinci, if he
was any other guy he would've dropped me
because I remember how he shifted from where
he was standing after I did that. It was
embarrassing how he was searching for my
eyes every time his finger penetrated, so I
leaned in and kissed him but it was for long
until I pulled away and laid my chin on his
shoulder, my fingers were digging on his back
and I absentmindedly bit on his shoulder just to
suppress the moan when I felt a finger enter my
ass. He groaned and I guess he still didn't know
how much that turned me on, his moan was
becoming one of my favorite sounds. I removed
my legs from around his waist but that caused
him to turn me over and carry me bridal style,
he didn't walk over to the bed but to the
hairdresser, as thick as I am, he laid me there,
the exact same way he was carrying me. I lifted
my legs and crossed them while he found a way
into my pussy with his finger again. He was
leaning on the hairdresser so to keep me from
falling, his eyes were searching for mine and
when he realized I was either looking away or
closing them, he demanded...
"Ndijonga baby."
Uyayiqonda ke mntaka dabs how much of a
turn on this is yet so embarrassing, I didn't want
to know how sick I looked when horny but I did
anyway. He licked his lips, his eyes moving
between my eyes and lips, right now apart from
my soft moans you could hear the sounds my
pussy made. He finally leaned in and kissed me,
still finger fucking me, andiyazi uba
ndasithathaphi isibindi salento ndayenzayo (I
don't know where I found the courage of what I
did) but for the first time I gently placed my
hand on his bulk, by now the towel he had
around his waist was gone already, iyinto ethe
natya phaya phaphantsi (it was just laying on
the floor). When my hand made contact with his
manhood, his finger went deeper in me causing
me to spread my legs wider, one leg pressed
against the mirror. When I started stroking
slowly he stopped with what he was doing, the
kissing, the fingering and just stood upright and
closed his eyes, in lieu of removing his finger
from out of me, he kept it there and placed his
thumb on my clit. He kept on doing circular
motions on it, slowly, his breathing was heavier
and I loved how he kept on clenching his jaws.
After some time performing this I sat up,
causing him to look at him, removed myself
from the hairdresser and with a pounding heard
I knelt in front of him. I remember the last time I
did something of this sort he stopped me and
he had the exact same look he had now,
thinking he was going to stop me I went in
slowly and ran my tongue on the tip off his head,
he let out a loud breath which he's been holding
since I been preparing myself.
When I saw he was going to stop me, I took him
in causing him to moan, the man was big so I
went half way and the more he moaned the
deeper I wanted him to go. He placed one of his
hands on my hand and helped me, he wasn't
pushing me further, he kept it on the same pace
as I was going, like any other girl I choked, not
once or twice but a couple of times because as
I was getting used to it, I wanted to deep throat
him. I pulled back and looked at him, he had his
head tilted upwards and his eyes closed, when
he pulled me up I couldn't help the smile which
made its way to my face, thinking about the
"fucks" he kept on muttering. He finally looked
down at me, the lust in his eyes spoke volumes
and it was mixed with something close to
pleading, he ran his thumb on my lips while
licking his. He bent forward meeting me
halfway as I was standing on my tippy toes, he
ran his tongue on my parted lips before he
cupped my face and tongue kissed me, turning
around so he'd sit on the chair. When he was
seated he pulled me in so I'd sit on his lap, I
looked at his hard manhood and calculated how
I should position myself, with my legs on each
of his sides I went down slowly, he was holding
my waist this whole time. The tip of his head
made its way in and he dug deep in my waist
pressing me down, he had his eyes closed
enjoying the sensation, I think it was half way
through when I felt it kulandawo, apha phantsi
nkombono, ndandingazo kwazi kaloku mna (I
think it was half way through when I felt it on
that place, right under my belly button, I wasn't
going to cope) so I attempted standing upright
but he pulled me down yangena yonke and for a
moment it felt like it tore through....
"Ahhhh fuuuc..."
He took my lips in his while I was still moaning,
my hands were on his sides and I was holding
tight on him because I could barely move, I
needed some time kuqala before I rode him. He
was kissing me slowly and seductively, easing
the pain, his hand ran up and down my back
before he moved to my neck, sucking and
kissing it. I leaned back completely, his arms
holding me because he went on to sucking my
left breast, he ran his tongue between my
breast, under them on top of them and when he
reached for my neck again he used his arm to
bring my waist close to his, this made his
manhood hit that spit again causing me to
moan.
I almost froze when I heard his phone ring but
right now I was on him, beginning to ride, his
fingers digging on my waist, I was grinding
using my waist so there was definitely no way
in hell I'd stop for that person. I went a little
faster and I think now it was going on for the
third or forth time but we both couldn't stop,
when it went on again he encircled his arms
around my waist and picked me up, we were
both still in the mood so he laid me on the bed
and came on top of me, extending his hand to
take his cellphone, he blinked repeatedly before
muttering a "shit" then he stroked hard on me
causing me to moan, he stroked once more,
deeper as he covered my mouth answering...
"Captain?"
He was panting because he didn't stop, he
stroked one more time, pushing his middle in
my ass and this time around my mouth was
free so I moaned, a little louder than I should've,
he pulled away saying
Mihle: "No sir, could you please repeat
yourself?"
I laid there unable to think, I was this close to
climaxing, all he had to do was just touch me
and I'd be gone. He looked between my legs
and swallowed before he walked over to the
window with his phone still on his ear, he closed
his eyes and sighed, trying to cool his
breathing...
"No Captain but I did make arrangements and I
... I drafted a list and gave it to Ms Brooks."
He nodded, and nodded again
Mihle: "It was canceled then postponed to
uhm..."
He looked at and licked his lips before he
chuckled and continued
"Pardon me sir I'm a little distracted by
something. It was postponed but I did make the
calls to the Pretoria Head about it, they had said
to me they were gonna send an email to you,
which I'm presuming you should've received by
now because that was some time last week
(long pause) Yes Captain, round about nine."
He nodded again before chuckling again
"Alright sir (pause) Will be in."
He hung up the call and sighed loudly causing
me to giggle...
Mihle: "Fuuck! (Chuckles) Uphantsi
wandigxothisa (you almost got me fired)"
Me: "(giggles) what did I do?"
Mihle: "Caption heard that"
Me: "Heard what?"
I had my lips parted that made his smile grow
even wider
"Your moan."
Me: "Uyaxoka right? (You're lying right?)"
Mihle: "Nope (chuckles) you shouldn't do that
again ngoba ngoku uMr Van Herde uthi I should
be at work ngoku kodwa ndisekhayeni doing
God knows what (you shouldn't do that again
because now Mr Van Herde says I should be at
work by now but I'm home doing God knows
what)"
Me: "Are you gonna get in trouble?"
I was asked turning on the bed to lay on my
tummy, he shook his head walking towards the
bed
Mihle: "Na, he's a cool guy (pause) now where
was I?"
I giggled, pushing my face on the pillow. I felt
him touch my waist and I whispered
"Babe you'll be late and your Captain wants you
at work ngo nine."
Mihle: "And I'll be at work ngo nine."

He grabbed my waist and pulled it up, my upper

body was still laying flat on the bed, he spread
my legs open so my butt cheeks and everything
else gave him clear access. I was expecting
either his finger in my ass or his dick in my
pussy but when I felt his thumbs spread my
pussy hole hide open and his tongue made its
way in me, I felt my toes curl, my thighs getting
loss and my hands making fists on these
sheets. This man was doing a lot of shit kum
and right now I thought twice about staying at
res.
126th Entry

Zizipho
There were plenty of reasons I wanted to go to
Cape Town; one, ubhuti spoilt my ass way more
than umama did; I wanted to be out of leBhayi
yobubhanxa (I wanted out of this foolish Port
Elizabeth) and the last thing was wanting my
own job, my monthly income. Unlike uMihle, I
got the opportunity to go to University and
further my studies, completed my degree in
Bcom Tech. Having done my primary,
secondary and tertiary education apha, one had
to understand why I wanted to leave this place, I
was going to miss my mother no doubt about it
but some different environment would do. Mihle
was a dropout, he was forced by my dad into
university to do a course I remember not but the
year when my father passed on, he stopped
yonke lonto (he stopped all of that) and went to
Pretoria to train ubujoni which was his lifetime
career because with the promotions he was
getting and his dedication to his work, I doubted
he'd leave that career field.
At this current moment I was chilling kwi lounge
yakulo Yamkelani, my best friend and somehow
my brother's ex, telling her about the decision I
took on starting over at Cape Town. Knowing
she was still crazy about my brother she was
now looking at me blankly, saying nothing, I
laughed because I predicted what she'd say
next...
"Yintoni nah chocho? (What is it friend?)"
Me: "Akhonto Peto, qha ndijonga indlela le
undithi kyk ngayo (Nothing friend, but I'm
looking at the way you're staring at me)"
Yamkelani: "So xa uhamba uthi mandishiyeke
nabani kule kaka yendawo? (So if you leaving
who you telling me to be left with in this shit of
a place?)"
Me: "Friend, ukhona uAbe njena (Friend, there is
Abe.)"
Yamkelani: "I'm not satisfied shame Zee, fuck
all. Niks. Ha.a"
She was making hand gestures and shaking her
head, you see this girl here was the definition of
a drama queen, one of the reasons why Mihle
stopped the affair they had. They weren't dating
as such but she wanted ubhuti and Mihle had
his eyes on her too, so I was the wingman to
both of them, managed to bring them together
then wala, they had it going. I still remember
clearly how furious Abenathi was ngalonto
because she had seen my brother way before
Yamkelani did but since I had never seen ubhuti
get busy with a chubby lady, I assumed she
stood no chance. And another thing Yamkelani
was a carefree type of girl, when Mihle called
her up for fucking she was game, ngoDecember
sasisiva ngabo sana (during December holidays
they were all we heard about) and she
understood very well that uMihle had
uNomthandazo because he had placed it clear
to her. On the other hand, Abenathi was
crushing deep on my brother, feelings and shit
envolved so I knew she was going to
complicate that whole thing, dragging me in the
middle of it.
Me: "Ndizobuya, khayeke ubayi bitch (I'll be
back, just stop being a bitch)"
Yamkelani: "Nini, xa ubuya nge festive? (When,
when you return for festive?)"
Me: "You got Abenathi nje"
Yamkelani: "We used to be a trio girl, ngoku
uzosishiya sababini (now you'll leave us just
two.)"
I folded my arms and looked at her, she sighed
repeatedly before dragging herself off the
couch and retreated to the kitchen, I got up and
followed behind her
"Indeza fiss le shit yedecision yakho! (Your shit
of a decision is irritating me!)"
Me: "Khayeke Yam (Just let go Yam)"
Yamkelani: "Hayi! Can't you find another way?
Your brother akufunele umsebenzi apha? You
know your bro got connections."
She pulled that 'I'm right' face she gives every
time she feels she just said something right or
factual
Me: "No!"
Yamkelani: "Ewe kaloku, inxaki yakho ufuna
uyolencana namadoda aseKapa (Yes, because
your problem is you want to go licking on the
men from Cape Town)"
Me: "Rha!"
Yamkelani: "Ewe nje, eza pipi zamaqheya (Yes,
those coloured dicks)"
I raised my eyebrows at her, she was spreading
some butter on some slices of white bread, with
parmalet slices of cheese next to the toaster...
Me: "So kengoku awuzoza for my birthday? (So
won't you come for my birthday?)"
Yamkelani: "You throwing a party?"
Me: "I'll ask Mihle to host it"
She turned and looked at me with the bitchest
look ever, I laughed, this soul was ridiculous
"What now?!"
Yamkelani: "Then have Mihle and that bitch
yakhe (that bitch of his) sit on my head"
Me: "No they don't, nguwe lo unenxaki nosisiza
(you're the one who has a problem with the
lady)"
She looked at me again and I don't know but I
had to whisper this one
"They're no more together."
Yamkelani: "What? Kwenzekeni? (What
happened?)"
Me: "Apparently, some girl, cousin or what not
ka girl came along and snitched the man."
Yamkelani: "Oh no!"
Me: "Injalo (it's like that.)"
"Bitch!"
Me: "She is, kakhulu (a lot!) But my brother
seems happy"
Yamkelani: "With the bitch?"
Me: "(laughs) with the bitch."
Yamkelani: "Yintoni nah inxaki ka main man,
utye iyeza le bitchikazi? (What is the main
man's problem, did this bitch eat a potion?)"
Me: "Hayi Yam, uyaqala. Oko wena xa uKing
ethanda ucinga iyeza (No Yam, you're starting.
Every time the King is in love, you think potion)"
Yamkelani: "Ngu rough guy kaloku uKing, so
when he gets all soft its awkward"
Me: "He was soft kuwe (to you)."
Yamkelani: "But that was for a short while."
I giggled causing her to roll her eyes. Difficulties
of having a hot brother, these girls befriended
me for him but Yam and Abenathi were here to
stay, they were friends with me before they
even saw my brother. She finished off what she
was doing and placed those on one size plate, I
helped her with the glasses of cold drink and
we retreated back to the lounge...
Yamkelani: "So uthi uhamba nini? (So when you
leaving?)"
Me: "Andazi (pause) let me ask uKing"
She looked at me while biting her toasted bread
before she turned her gaze to the television,
scrolling through the channels. I rang my
brother and waited for him to answer, of course
he was on loudspeaker...
"Zee?"
Me: "Hello."
Mihle: "Sure"
Me: "Unjani? (How are you?)"
Mihle: "Ndimhle kaloku mna, wena unjani? (I'm
beautiful, how are you?)"
Me: "Haisoka I'm good. Bhuti?"
Mihle: "Yes"
Me: "When are you planning on having me
there?"
Mihle: "That's all on you. Ndilinde wena mna
uba undixelele uba uready then I'll book a flight
for you (I'm actually waiting for you to tell me
you ready then I'll book a flight for you)"
Me: "Okay. Guess what Wele?"
That's how we addressed each other most of
the time, since we resembled more than just
one feature
"Talk to me."
Me: "Ndihleli noYam"
Mihle: "Thixo (chuckles)"
Me: "She wants to talk to you."
I resisted laughing when Yam kept on shaking
her head, indicating that she didn't want to talk
to him but I knew she'd be blushing regardless
her attitude now...
Mihle: "Put her on the phone then."
I handed it to her and she pulled a face before
grabbing it and fixing her voice
"Mihle?"
Mihle: "Yam Yam."
Yamkelani: "Unjani?"
Mihle: "Perfect, unjani wena MaRhadebe?"
Then she blushed and I couldn't help but pull a
face at her, she was very good at pretending
Yamkelani: "I'm good. Kutheni nje
uzondithathela uZee? (Why you taking Zee
away from me?)"
Mihle: "You getting it twisted baby, uzifunele
(she wanted it herself)"
Yamkelani: "Maar as a groot brother, why didn't
you stop her?"
Mihle: "Or get your ass in the flight too?"
She laughed, I couldn't help but laugh too.
"What?! No andifuni uza apho mna! (No, I don't
want to come there!)"
Mihle: "Khange nditsho uba uyafuna (I didn't say
you want to) but you sounded like uzothi (you'd
say) I should either stop her or get you flying
with her"
Yamkelani: "Bye Mihle."
He chuckled before ending the call, she rolled
her eyes throwing my cell phone on my lap
"Yikaka ubhuti wakho."
Me: "Y'all are shitty to each other. Yinto yenu
(it's your thing)"
She gave me a straight face and I lifted my
hands in a surrender gesture. The only time she
kept quiet was when she knew what had been
said was right or when she had no come back,
and it was also the few times I felt like I've won
because she never kept her mouth shut.
We sat there watching television, talking about
men and how we're now almost 25 but still
haven't found men who are willing to commit
and oobaby daddy.

Aphindiwe
I was at the library and Luthando was sitting on
my side whispering everything possible apha
kum. I kept on glancing at her because she was
disturbing me, I had four assignments which
were needed at the end of the week, I had no
time to chat...
Luthando: "Lover, undimamele?"
She whispered that earning a stare from me
Me: "Loot I need to concentrate and you're
distracting me."
Luthando: "Bendithe kuwe take in the book then
ndizokunceda ngayo in your room (I said to you
take in the book then I'll help you with it in your
room)"
Me: "You won't. All you'll do is fill me up
ngendaba (with gossips)"
Luthando: "I will. I'm not a Law third year
student for nothing."
I threw her another stare which caused her to
roll her eyes
"I promise."
She whispered, as she started packing her
books which were open in front of her. I
groaned before packing mine and getting up.
We headed towards the librarian who helped
me take in two books, I only had a period of a
week to keep it with me. We walked out of the
library and she stopped whispering and spoke
to the top of her voice...
"Ikhona into oyivileyo kulento bendiyithetha? (Is
there anything you heard from what I was
saying?)"
Me: "Nope. I was trying to do my research."
She smacked my shoulder while I shoved her to
the side
Luthando: "So ke babe, uphosiwe. You missed
out, like crazy!"
Me: "Fill me in kaloku"
Luthando: "Awudiki (You boring). It's only now
you interested."
Me: "Khawuthethe (Talk!)"
"Well (pause) uMimi doesn't chill with us
anymore."
Me: "Why, what happened?"
Luthando: "Ubele uAndrew! (She stole from
Andrew!)"
Me: "What?! Uyaxoka! (You lie!)"
Luthando: "I swear! Jonga it was kak dramatic
uyevha. Kim threw tantrums sana, idrama and
kengoku into eyenza usisi bold is because
uDrew uthe mayiyekwe lento (look it was kak
dramatic, you hear me. Kim threw tantrums, the
drama and now what's making the lady bold is
because Drew told us to let it go)"
Me: "Which lady? uKim?"
Luthando: "No uMihlali kaloku. Now uyasibuza
uba singenaphi ngoba umxolele uAndrew and
kaloku she was going to take back iwallet ka
Andrew"
Me: "Wallet? (No Mihlali. Now she's asking us
where does it concern us because the person
she stole from forgave her and she was going
to take back the wallet anyways.)"
I had to stop on my strides, no way, that was
too much kaloku. Why were beautiful girls such
messes nowadays
"When did this happen?"
Luthando: "Tuesday and Wednesday I think.
Kaloku usisi lo ebelele ku Andrew for those
days"
I nodded slowly, I know I wasn't supposed to be
bothered by this but it didn't sit well with me,
maybe it was because I knew during the
weekend he tried getting to me now I somehow
felt week.
Me: "So uKim walwela ubhuti? (So Kim fought
for her brother?)"
Luthando: "Uyamazi kaloku (You know her)."
I smiled and raised my eyebrows, even in this
short period of time I've chilled with them, I
definitely did know her dramatic side.
Me: "Shame uMimi. Hayi uyazihlaza, akamhle"
Luthando: "Ndikhathazekile kemna ngoba
ndiyamthanda because akanxaki namntu qha
uyayithanda indoda and uyayithatha sana. So I
had chest pains nyani yazi (And I'm hurt
because I love her, she doesn't have a problem
with anybody but she loves men and she takes
them. So I had chest pains really)."
I cracked a huge smile which was followed by
some giggles, Lootlove was ridiculous. She was
holding her chest to indicate that she was really
hurt.
Subsequently, we stepped into my room, which
was empty as always. As much as I felt like I
stayed alone here, I'm pretty sure when that not
so beautiful roommate of mine was here, she
felt the same too because whenever I was
around she wasn't and verser vesra. We sat
there and as she promised, she helped with the
first two questions of the assignment, one of
which needed a typed assignment of 800-1000
words about Law and Justice. With the
research done and facts listed all I had to do
was read through it and start with the typing. I
know I enjoyed being around Mihle but
whenever I was back at school, I was reminded
how much I had missed these girls, res and
school wouldn't be the same without them...
"Uphi uKim?"
Luthando: "Ufumene indoda kaloku lowo (that
one got a man)"
Me: "She did?"
Luthando: "Ewe, enye idrunker wethu (Yes,
some drunker)"
I giggled, continuing to read through the
research. I seriously needed to buy myself a
laptop, using other people's study material
didn't sit well with me.
Luthando: "Wena eyakho into noMiles ithini?
(Your thing with Mihle, how's it going?)"
I looked at her and smiled, when she smiled
back at me I couldn't help but blush, she
clapped her hands laughing
"Yini yini, uhappy sisi."
Me: "I am (gigges) I am nyani Lootlove (pause)
it just scares me ngoba I sense a lot of rough
patches kulena irelationship (in this
relationship)"
Luthando: "But uyamthanda though love, just
keep strong and groom him. Men need to be
groomed uyayazi mos lonto (you know that)"
Me: "Bakhula kade (they grow slow)"
"Mentally!" We both said simultaneously,
laughing out loud after that. We were still
laughing at that when my phone rang, the caller
ID was Mihle, I furrowed my eyebrows because I
wasn't expecting to be calling at this time, he
had said six o'clock...
"Baby."
Mihle: "Mambhele"
Me: "Hey baby"
Mihle: "I'm outside your campus, ndicela
uphume (please come out)"
Me: "Res or Campus?"
Mihle: "Campus Aphindiwe."
You could hear the irritation in his voice, it was
all from my question which he mistook as
hesitation or a way of excusing myself from
seeing him. My man really had trust issues
which he needed to work on
Me: "Ndicela unyuke uze eRes ke (please drive
to the res)"
Mihle: "Sure."
He ended the call, I placed my phone on the bed
and looked at Luthando...
"Iyakufuna indoda? (The man wants you?)"
Me: "Yes. Let's go"
We got up and headed for the door, as we
walked downstairs I looked at my wrist watch, it
was something to four and the fields of the
campus were filled with students, different
voices, faces and sounds of nature filled the air.
We walked towards the gate and when we
arrived there all Thando did was to wave at
Mihle, give me a hug and head off to their
residence by feet. It was two blocks away and if
she wasn't this shy around Mihle I would've
asked we escort her and drop her off. I walked
towards the man who was wearing his black
and white Air Force uniform, he had his hands
tucked in his pockets, leaning against his car.
He was chowing on his lower lip, staring hard at
me as I approached him...
"Hello."
He moved away from the car and encircled his
arms around my waist, picking me up. There
was a moment when I wouldn't inhale his
cologne, it was the first thing which ever alerted
me that there was a man in the house back at
Belville when I first met him. He placed me on
the floor, cupped my face and gave me a long
baby kiss
Mihle: "Hey."
Me: "Uright? You seem (pause) off"
He nodded as if he was unsure
Mihle: "Stress"
I extended my hand and took his in mine,
whenever I did this he had a tendency of looking
at our hands for a long while before looking
back at me
Me: "What's wrong?"
Mihle: "A lot Aphindiwe (long pause) you know I
feel like there's a lot that's gonna tear us."
Me: "Why uzotsho lonto? (Why would you say
that?)"
Mihle: "Your trust."
I nodded, looking aside. With just those two
words I felt like he had said enough already, I
understood every meaning of it. My trust. There
was Nomthandazo, there was the baby excuse,
there was Bianca and last but least kwakukho
lento wayezondibonisa yona in a matter of two
hours (there was thing thing he had to show me
in a matter of two hours). He was studying my
face, I could not keep my eyes on one place
"Phindi?"
I looked at him, my bottom lip held between my
teeth, I was fucken nervous
Me: "Mhuh?"
Mihle: "If we survive this (long pause) what I'll
show you tonight (pause) I don't see any other
thing that would part us."
Me: "I don't want to lose you"
I whispered that and it's only because I was
scared, my heart was racing. I somehow wished
the time would stop for now so it doesn't
approach six o'clock, I was extremely nervous.
Mihle: "Then you won't lose me if you don't want
to."
I let go of his hand and took a step back, I
couldn't stand still, I needed something which
would distract me from this tension. I was
pretty sure even these students who passed us
could tell something wasn't right. He took a
long stride forward, holding my waist and
bringing me closer, I laid on his chest and
listened to his heart beat, I wasn't the only one
who was nervous.
We stood there for some time until he asked
"Awulambanga? (Aren't you hungry?)" I shook
my head but Mihle being Mihle he insisted we
go eat out.
Me: "Ndizotyeba kodwa babe (I'll get fat though
babe)"
Mihle: "Go grab your jacket because sizophuma
apho siye kulendawo (we'll come out of there
and head to this place)"
I nodded and retreated to the residence, I came
out after some time with my cell phone. I had
changed the pump to my black palladium boots,
I still had the skirt and vest on and paired those
with my black coat which was up to my knees.
He was still standing there staring hard at the
ground, his hands were in his pockets and I felt
like my heart would just jump out off my chest,
if he was this nervous about a place he knew
then what more about me? I was freaking out
and instead of helping me, he looked fucked up
himself.

We drove off to Belmar first where he changed

his uniform, wore navy jeans, kept his white
vest on, his brown Markham's jacket and
matched that whole attire with his white Adidas
NMD sneakers.
He took me to these fancy places he knew and
a part of me felt like he knew all these because
of Nomthandazo, it wasn't normal for a guy to
know off so many food places, fancy ones
nakhona but I wasn't going to ask, he was doing
this with me and that is what was important
kum. We feasted in between chats, the vibe
between us was still a little tense but it wasn't
what it was two hours back, I recall how he
received a call from Bulelani, they spoke
lendlela yabo, this Cape Townian tsotsi taal
which I failed to understand.
It was 19:17 when we drove out off the parking
lot of this fancy place to God knows where.
When we drove out off the suburbs to the
township, seeing the boards written Phillipi, I
couldn't sit still on my seat. I was praying he
wasn't bringing me to some ghetto woman
whom he had a child with, because there was
no way I'd be able to handle two women of one
kind...
Me: "Where are we?"
Mihle: "Phillipi, Samora"
I nodded, sighing. I've heard of the place and
believe me it wasn't good news. The place was
shady and I didn't like it, there were turns and
people standing at the corner off these streets,
people here looked hungry for crime sana, it
wasn't a joke.
"You need to relax."
Me: "How often do you come here?"
Mihle: "Almost everyday"
Me: "For ntoni? (For what?)"
He cocked a brow at me before looking at the
road again. Finally we stopped in front of some
gate which had a security guard, the man
himself didn't look trustworthy but my dearest
boyfriend rolled down the window and greeted
him, the security guard smiled, surprisingly
calling him "Boss." Without any further
comments he opened the gate and we drove in
a place which had rooms like hostels and
noises, screams and music. This place was
covered in high walls, those which we called
'stop nonsenses', he found a reserved parking
space and two cars away I spotted Bulelani's
Wrangler.
The way my stomach was turning, I felt like I
would puke any time from now, from inside the
car and I could already feel the negative
emotion of this environment...
Mihle: "You ready?"
I looked at him and shook my head, in leui of
asking if I wanted some time to calm my nerves
or taking me back res, he squeezed my hand
and opened his door stepping out, he came
around and opened mine helping me out. I
couldn't stop looking around as we walked
towards this door, there were screams
everywhere and I noticed how every time we
passed a security guard they'd somehow bow
to him, he just responded with nods and I felt
weird because for the first time men didn't look
my direction, maybe it was because I was
walking hand-in-hand with him. Or he was
respected apha (here).
We stepped into this place and the smell of
weed occupied the space. I tightened my grip
on his hand and he squeezed mine, looking at
me with surity that I was safe with him.
We were escorted by a man who didn't dare to
smile until Mihle pushed open some wooden
door and behind this door was Nkululeko and
Bulelani with some girl, she looked at me from
head to toe before turning her gaze to Mihle,
she then smiled...
Bulelani: "Phindi"
Me: "Hey"
Nkululeko: "Relax(a) babe. Relax(a)"
I was now standing between Mihle's legs as he
was seated at the corner of this table
Nkululeko: "Into yosela Miles?"
Mihle: "No Nkulie (pause) khanindishiye
noPhindi."
The girl: "Oh ngoyena Phindi lona (laughs)
welcome babe"
Mihle: "Nosipho"
She turned and looked at him with her eyebrows
raised, boredom clear in her face
"Not now."
Nosipho: "I was just welcoming the lady Mihle"
Bulelani: "Nosi, masambeni (let's go)."
She got up, shaking her ass as they headed
towards the door. I sighed as I stepped away
from Mihle, I felt like this was a plan to kill me
because he couldn't even look at me kakuhle.
Through a shaky voice I found the courage to
ask
Me: "What's going on ke?"
He strecthed over and opened a drawer, pulled
out a file and gave it to me
"Yintoni lena? (What's this?)"
Mihle: "Read it"
I went through the file, it was written 'Black
Fields' and these papers were some sort of
business sheets but I couldn't read through this
whole thing
Me: "What is Black Fields?"
Mihle: "This place"
Me: "Kwenziwani apha? (What is being done
here?)"
He got off the table causing me to take a step, I
think I surprised him by doing that because he
furrowed his eyebrows at me, he looked at me
for a very long time and I was beginning to lose
it
"Mihle?"
He kept on clenching his jaws before he sighed
and turned heading towards the table. I began
shaking because he wasn't anything to me, he
was fucking my emotions up. Finally, he opened
his mouth and said something
Mihle: "I own this place Phindi (long pause) I
sell prostitutes."
Me: "You what?"
He looked at me, he had a tendency of doing
this, wanting to touch me whenever he had said
something which made me feel uncomfortable
because he now stepped closer but I stopped
him, wandijonga
Me: "What do you mean you sell prostitutes?"
Mihle: "Mambhele"
Me: "Mihle just explain toro please, what do you
mean xa usithi you sell prostitutes?"
By now my voice was cracky because I was
scared, I was scared he'd say what I was hoping
he wouldn't say
Mihle: "I mean ndithengisa ngemizimba (I sell
bodies)"
Me: "Where do you get these people? These
girls who are willing to give themselves away?
Ubafumana phi? (Where do you get them?"
His eyes were red by now, he was looking at me
with so much anger and I didn't understand why
he was angry. He took his time before talking
"I get them."
Me: "Kanjani?"
Mihle: "My team (pause) I have them delivered
here"
I shook my head taking a few steps back, he
moved away from the table and walked towards
me but stopped in his strides as I gasped for air,
I was trying to hold in the cry which wanted to
come out...
Me: "You're involved in human trafficking?
I myself was unsure with what I had just said, it
sounded like a question but was somewhat a
statement
Mihle: "Phindi just let me explain"
Me: "You kidnap girls and allow them to get
raped"
Mihle: "I don't do..."
Me: "You do Mihle! You do! These girls didn't
want to leave home but you take them away,
you force them into sex with men they barely
know."
He was looking at me, his eyes wide open, his
breathing was insane and I was crazy myself.
He was sick xa kunjalo.
He walked towards me and I took steps back
until my back hit the door, he placed his fists on
the side of my shoulders and looked down at
me. I didn't even want to look up at me right
now, I didn't hate him, no but I was hoping he
wasn't this.
"Aphindiwe?"
He repeated himself about three times before I
looked up at him, he was staring down at me
and just when he was about to talk I stopped
him by saying
Me: "Close it."
He slowly withdrew his fists and looked at me, I
loved how his face softened immediately after I
said that.
"Close it. If you still want to be with me then
close it Fhaku."
He took two steps away from me and looked at
me between narrowed eyes. I stared back and
waited for him to say something, his love would
be clear from the decision he'd take here. If he
really wanted to be with me like he had said the
past two months then he'd have to close yonke
lento.
127th Entry

Nomthandazo

It's been only a day since I have spoken to Mihle

but what we had izolo wasn't a proper
conversation, it wasn't how we often spoke.
Right now I was sitting on the benches of
Claremont Clinic, my nervous wrecking bit by bit
every time someone stood from the line to be
attended by the doctor. I don't know why I was
here but I just wanted to be out of those walls
which seemed to be making my life and
problem even harder, so I ended up here.
I was forth on the line and every time someone
was called a part of me told I should get up and
go, I wasn't ready to talk about the pregnancy
because it brought so much in my life but I
couldn't ignore it either, so I felt obligated to sit
here and wait. When it was my time I was called
in twice before I stopped my hesitation and
stepped inside, I sat on the chair behind the
door and waited for the doctor as I was told to.
She walked in after a few minutes and smiled at
me, I shifted on my seat failing to return the
kindness...
"Good day my dear."
I nodded and smiled, sympathy clear in her
friendly gesture
Doctor: "Don't be nervous. Yes it's normal to be
but try and relax."
I nodded futhi ke sana, yayingathi ndisisimumu
ke wethu (it was as if I can:t talk) but you
couldn't blame me
Doctor: "So let's try again. Good day"
Me: "Good day Doctor Lidwabe"
I saw that from her door and obviously the
badge she had on
Doctor: "So how are you?"
Me: "Not sure, but I'm trying."
I absentmindedly held my tummy causing her to
quickly pass her gaze from my face to my hand
and she smiled again, nnodding
Doctor: "So you're expecting?"
Me: "Still carrying if that even makes sense. I'm
a little far from expecting."
Doctor: "Congratulations."
I failed to smile again but I wasn't the type to
show my emotions to everybody so instead of
looking sad, I looked down at my tummy and
rubbed it. We were silent for a while and I
assume she was waiting for me to get some
self composure which I did...
"I'm thinking of getting rid off it."
Doctor: "Of what?"
Me: "The baby."
Doctor: "Yima ke mntanam (wait a bit my child),
I'm going to address you as a black woman
right now and not as your doctor."
I nodded, she laid her hands on the table and
looked at me...
Doctor: "In Xhosa mntanam we don't talk of
umntana as an "it" or classify the baby under
izinto, no. It's a decision you've took yes but I
would appreciate when you talk about the child
mention to me that you're indeed talking about
an infant and not a thing."
Ndamjonga lomama. Tshini bawo elixhewukazi,
ndize apha for icounseling or kugqirha? (I
looked at this woman. My goodness this old
lady, did I come here for counseling or to a
doctor?)
Doctor: "So in respective of what I'm doing,
please try again,"
Me: "I'm here to get rid of the baby"
She cocked her eyebrow at me which confused
me a little
Doctor: "Not even a minute ago you spoke
about thinking, it was a thought and now you
have already made up the decision."
Me: "I'm not sure what to do. I don't know."
Doctor: "(nods) But you need to be sure"
Me: "I know."
She looked at me for a while causing me to
avert my eyes from her and look around the
room.
Doctor: "But you don't seem sure to me. What's
the reason behind the action you want to take?"
I looked at her again, she wasn't serious, I
wasn't about to share my problems, personal
problems with someone I barely knew. Not
knowing how to respond to that, she interrupted
my hesitation
"It's okay if you don't feel comfortable with
telling but take this pamphlet and read through
it, understand each and everything action taken
along with its consequences before making
your decision. Are we clear?"
Me: "Yes. Thank you"
She nodded, standing on her feet, I followed her
actions, took my handbag and the pamphlet
before I headed for the door. I walked out off
that clinic with even more mixed emotions, this
shit was getting to my head and not long from
now it would affect me physically.
During moments like these I actually wished I
had never sold the car Mihle had bought me but
I sold it anyway and there was no turning back. I
also did that because I knew I still had him, he'd
pick me up every now and then no matter where
I was; one of the reasons why I loved him. He
was one person who treated his lady like a
queen despite the beast he was. At this current
moment, I was standing besides the gate of the
hospital looking around for a local taxi which
would get me to the taxi rank so I caught one
home. A car of my own would do because right
now I needed my own space being around
people who would chat on like they had no
problems was definitely going to affect my
mood and make me grumpier than ever.
After a while of standing alone, looking stupid
because that's how I felt, a taxi came along and
took me to the rank. What annoyed me about
public transport was having to wait for the taxi
to carry exactly fourteen passengers before the
taxi driver could drive off. I understood they
needed the money but sometimes it
convenienced a lot of us, nje ngam ngoku. (Just
like me now.) I arrived home after a long while,
tired, drained and not in the best of moods. I
had plans for this evening but with the way I
was feeling right now I highly doubted I'd want
to proceed with them. Azola and my father were
the only people at home and as always utata
wanted to question me about where I'm coming
from, he kept on mentioning Mihle and I had to
handle my nervous not to burst out rudely at
him. He realized I wasn't in no state of talking
so he allowed me to excuse myself.
I was now laying on my bed, going through this
pamphlet, honestly it seemed useless because
these points made no impact on whatever
decision I were to take. I placed the bloody
pamphlet next to my bedside lamp, turned over
and laid on my tummy, closing my eyes I
thought about the only three choices I had to
choose from and worried about each of their
consequences.

Mihle
I stood a few steps away from her and looked
at her, I noticed how much she was shaking but
she wasn't the only one, I was shaking myself.
Her eyes were wider than their normal size and I
couldn:t stop shaking, I was even beginning to
sweat...
"Mihle?"
She whispered my name, I believe she was
calling me so I could answer her. She wanted
me to close it! I furrowed my eyebrows and
looked away from her, that was the only way I
could get my mind straight, ndicinge kakuhle
(and think properly). I stared hard at the wall
before passing my gaze back to her, I could tell
from the look on her face that she wanted to
hold me but she somehow looked terrified of
coming closing and the sight of it killed me...
Me: "Phindi"
Aphindiwe: "Please close it baby."
Me: "That's impossible Phindi."
Her eyes grew even wider. Judging from her
body language if I were anywhere near her, she
would've either slapped me or strangled me
Aphindiwe: "What do you mean it's impossible?
Mihle what do you mean it's impossible?!"
She did what I was hoping she wouldn't do,
started crying. This didn't just bring guilt kum
but it reminded me how of a fucken jerk I was. I
took a few steps towards but she stopped me
raising her hand
"Don't you dare come near me!"
Me: "Aphind.."
Aphindiwe: "No Mihle, no! You're no better than
a murderer"
This had me stop breathing for a while, this is
how I suddenly appeared to her...
Me: "Is that how you see me now?"
Aphindiwe: "Ungakhe ulinge utshintshe lento
(Don't you dare change this) and make it about
me!"
Me: "Is that how you see me Aphindiwe?"
She dried her eyes and cheeks using the fact of
her hands, before answering me she swallowed
Aphindiwe: "Ewe (Yes)"
Me: "Then why you still standing here?"
Aphindiwe: "(chuckles) why am I still standing
here? Why? Do you want to know why? Because
I believed you were different, with every little
obstacle you brought bendicinga you are
different but no! No, you couldn't be anything
less than a serial killer. Umbulali Mihle (A killer
Mihle)!"
I took another step forward, and she yelled stop
but this time around I wasn't going to hear from
her, I walked towards her and it hurt me deep
when I tried touching and she cringed. I looked
at her, she was hugging herself, looking at my
chest and not at me
Me: "Phindi?"
My voice was shaky and I knew why. I was
fucken nervous and hoping she wouldn't tell me
it's over because I sensed that's where it was
going. She didn't move not even a muscle so I
held her chin and tilted her head, she looked at
me between teary eyes
Me: "Baby, please understand. Andizokwazi
uyivala le business (I won't be able to close this
business)"
She shook her head before I could even finish
that sentence, she tried moving my hand from
her chin but I tightened my hold on it
"Aphindiwe?"
She closed her eyes, releasing the tears causing
me to let go of her chin and enveloped her in my
arms and now she let it out, cried out loud. I'm
not so good at consoling a person so I just held
her in my arms and waited for her to calm down,
I needed her to let it all out so she would listen
to me without crying when I explain to her why I
can't close this.
Aphindiwe: "Mihle please close it, please baby"
I pressed her body against the door and took
her face in my hands, she looked directly at me
Me: "Mambhele, xa ndivala this business I risk
being behind bars. Not every girl here is here
against their will, I have only about fifteen
percent of females who don't want to be here.
Phindi, it isn't like zange ndayicinga into
yoyivala le business, I've thought about it when
umama somehow found out ngayo and believe
me I'd do anything for that woman but the
consequences Mambhele..."
The way she was looking at me made me stop.
If you've seen how someone who loves you
often looks at you when you've hurt them, that's
the exact look she was giving me.
"If I close this Aphindiwe, I have only two
options to choose from (pause) being
sentenced for life or to kill lo fifteen percent."
She closed her eyes again and opened them
removing my hands from her face. I allowed her
to, she was holding both my wrists, staring hard
at me with so much mistrust and I believe hurt
was clear in my eyes by now, I never knew it
would lead to this. She finally sighed and freed
my wrists, stepping aside. I turned around and
watched her as she took small steps towards
the middle of the room, she stopped before she
reached the table and looked up at the ceiling
before speaking
"I'll need space."
Me: "Intoni?"
She must be joking. She turned and looked at
me, I could tell she wasn't sure herself
Me: "Aphindiwe?"
Aphindiwe: "I need time (pause) I need to think
Mihle."
Me: "You doubting us?"
Aphindiwe: "Khange nditsho (I didn't say so)"
Me: "Then uzama uthini xa usithi you need time
to think? (Then what are you trying to say when
you say you need time to think?)"
Aphindiwe: "Mihle there's just too much going
on kuthi. Awuyiboni wena lonto? (Can't you see
that?)"
Me: "But awuzokwazi. (But you can't)"
Aphindiwe: "Ngoba? (Because?)"
Me: "Because you're breaking us Aphindiwe"
Aphindiwe: "Mihle please toro. I need th..."
"Why do you need it? Ngoba kutheni?"
Aphindiwe: "Weren't you the one who said it's
up to me if I want out after this?"
She was right, I did say that. I narrowed my eyes
at her before chuckling, she had me good on
this one. I nodded, taking my bottom lip
between my teeth and chewing on it. She
looked at me between those small eyes and
waited for me to say something but honestly I
had nothing to say to her.
"Please say something."
Me: "If you want out then it's cool."
Aphindiwe: "Excuse me?"
Me: "Ufuna ndithini Aphindiwe? (What do you
want me to say Aphindiwe?)"
She shook her head. I moved from where I was
standing and went to sit on the couch near the
window, I laid my head backwards and closed
my eyes. A lot was running through my mind,
the fucken what ifs which were fucking my head
up and how I knew giving her this break would
have distracted, after all I was more of a 'killer'
to her now so she might change her mind about
waiting for me to change completely.
With my still closed I heard the door open, I
opened them and looked at Phindi before
looking at the person walking through the door,
she was sitting on one of those chairs by my
table. I passed my gaze to the door and saw
Nkulie standing at the doorway...
Nkululeko: "Nigqibile Miles? (Are y'all finished
Miles?)"
Aphindiwe: "Ewe"
I narrowed my eyes at her, she was looking at
me as though daring me to change that. I
turned to Nkulie and nodded to him he wouldn't
stop looking between Phindi and I, it would be
clear to anybody who stepped in here that this
young lady and myself weren't in a good state.
After signing I got up from the couch and
headed to the table, I closed my files and
returned it in the drawer, took my car keys and
cellphone and headed for the door. Nkululeko
said something to me concerning the business,
Aphindiwe was standing behind me by now and
right after that we stepped out. I didn't think
she'd want me to hold her hand since she
seemed turned off ndim but when she held my
arm I figured it was because she wasn't feeling
safe kule ndawo (in this place).
We stepped out in silence and got into the car
in silence, the ride was sickening because she
wasn't saying anything to me, I kept on looking
at her and it killed me how she seemed like she
was never around me before...
Me: "Could you do something, rather than
sitting apha ngongathi uyandoyika (rather than
sitting here like you're scared of me)"
She looked at me before turning on her seat
and looking outside the window. I was enraged
because this whole cold shoulder, disgusted
attitude she was giving me was something I
honestly didn't want, not that I had expected her
to jump and be happy that I was running such a
business but I felt she was doing too much of it
ngoku.

After a long ride of no talking we arrive we

arrived at her residence, she didn't step out on
immediately after I parked my like I had thought
she would, instead she sat on that seat for
some causing me to switch off my engine. We
sat there in silence again before she cleared her
throat and turned to look at me. I sighed,
looking at her between narrowed yet soft eyes,
she placed her hand on mine which was on the
gear and spoke
"Andizazi uba ndizoba right nini Mihle (I don't
know when I'll be alright Mihle) (pause) kodwa
ndifuna uyazi uba I don't mean to break us apart.
I just to be sure Mihle, to take a decision far
away from you so I can be sure ngayo."
I looked at her, I had so much to say to her but
she wouldn't give me time ngoba she would
take it as though I'm justifying myself
Aphindiwe: "Could you say something (pause)
please."
Me: "And if you do break us apart (pause)
ndenzeni Aphindiwe? (What must I do
Aphindiwe?)"
Aphindiwe: "I don't like the tone of your voice"
Me: "I just want to know. If you do break us
apart and find another bastard to fill my place,
what must I do?"
Aphindiwe: "I won't fin..."
Me: "What must I do Aphindiwe?!"
"I won't find omnye umntu!"
I raised my eyebrows at her
Aphindiwe: "I promise."
Me: "I don't take promises lightly."
She nodded, looking at her residence before
turning back to me.
Aphindiwe: "Try not to call nor see me"
I cocked a brow at her with my lips parted a
little, I actually wanted to ask "what?" but she
stopped me when she said
"Please. I'll need the time away from you for the
both of us."
I took in this precious figure besides me and
allowed the emotions I was feeling to
overwhelm the beast I am, she was wrecking
me I won't lie and never in a million years has
not being around someone affected me this
much. She leaned in and placed a long kiss on
my lips, I wanted to respond but as much as I
did I wanted to tell her she was hurting me but I
didn't want to seem too weak or clingy so I kept
it to myself. She pulled back, squeezed my hand
before opening the door, before she stepped
out, she turned and looked at me...
"I love you Fhaku."
I felt like that was goodbye. I was still taking in
the words she had said when the door closed
and I watched her walk into the gates of her
residence. The people around her in the yard
seemed invisible in some way maybe it was
because my eyes were strictly concentrated on
her, not leaving her figure until she disappeared
behind the buildings leaving me with my
thoughts all by myself.
I switched off the lights off my car and sat there
thinking about the decision I had took, right now
it seemed stupid because I didn't expect it to
turn out like this and she wasn't like
Nomthandazo, whom I was sure of that she'd
return, this young lady has given me tests no
other girl I've been with has, she has spoken to
me in ways no girl ever does and this is why I
was so fucked up over this break thing because
my gut kept telling me otherwise.
Enyanisweni my life was shit right now and the
one person who gave me hope from the way
she spoke to the way she held me had just
asked for space, meaning I was all alone to lay
on this bed I have made.
127th Entry

Aphindiwe
I don't know for how long was I laying on that
bed, thinking about tonight and what I had just
found out about the only guy I've ever loved.
How could he kodwa? How in living hell did
someone ever think doing that was alright from
the first place? I couldn't stop having
imaginations and all negative thoughts about
that place because there was nothing good
phaya wethu.
I turned over and faced the other side, of course
I had a terrible headache from thinking this
much. The only thing I was grateful about
tonight was having been taken to feast before
this whole thing happened because I honestly
didn't know how on earth was I going to find the
fucken courage to go buy food ngoku. I was still
laying, staring into space when the door was
threw open and in walked in my roommate,
whatever her name was. She was stumbling
across the floor and something in me told me I
wasn't the only one who had problems, lona
umntana (this child) was totally broken inside.
She stood in the middle of the dark room for a
while before turning on her heel and finding the
switch, I groaned covering my face with the
comforter because of the light which
penetrated painfully through my eyes. I heard
her mumble something about staying in the
dark and closing the only window that was
opened, she struggled her way through with the
with window before I heard her throw herself on
the bed.
Before looking at her, I looked at the curtain she
left untidy and the window she left unhooked
and not closed. I forced myself off the bed and
closed the window, I needed to bath so I
prepared myself for it.
I remember making it to bed, exhausted
mentally and physically, I ended not completing
the part of my assignment I had promised
myself I would.

I woke up the following morning, this day wasn't

going to be the greatest and I had plenty of
reasons why but two of them being, I was late
and grumpy as hell. I missed my first session
which was at half eight to half nine and kulena
yesibini (and on the second one), I was fifteen
minutes late. When I stepped in I earned all
sorts of stares, from both the lecturer and the
students. During this hour I wasn't
concentrating but rather thinking about what
Mihle must be getting up to, what he did izolo
after driving from here, I couldn't help but think
he must have went to Nomtha for some
comfort, well I've noticed that's what the male
species did when things didn't go their way. I
snapped back to my senses when Mihlali threw
herself on the chair next to me...
"Sele iphuma isession? (Is the session over
already?)"
Mihlali: "No but it almost is anyway."
I nodded, looking at her
Mihlali: "So where have you been? Kudala
ungekho (it's been a while since you weren't
around)"
I looked around the class and noticed students
chatting amongst each other and the lecturer
was packing his briefcase
Me: "Did I miss a lot of work?"
Mihlali: "I wouldn't know dear, haven:t been to
class for a while nam"
I had forgot she was off no help so I had to find
myself another law student, someone who'd be
more useful than her. I packed my Nike
backpack before turnong my gaze to this girl
who was staring at me
Me: "Yintoni? (What is it?)"
Mihlali: "Nothing, I'm just looking at the quality
of your hair. Where do you get so much money
for such weaves?"
I raised my eyebrow at her but she waited for
me to answer, simply seeing nothing wrong
with what she has just asked me
Me: "My dad"
Mihlali: "Uyaxoka (laughs) I mean that is such
an obvious lie."
I remained with my straight face waiting for her
to find some self control and when she did I
faked a smile at her
Me: "Not all of us steal to look nice."
I had to, it was the only thing in mind I had hope
would shut her up. She furrowed her eyebrows
at me before playing dump, repeatedly asking
me what am I talking about. I excused myself
and walked out off the room, following behind
the lecturer. I had a free session after this
which I spent at the library finishing off my
assignment, I needed to start with the second
one urgently, even though it was Monday, by the
way day flew Friday was just around the corner.
I managed to finish off my day in peace, nothing
bothered me really but I was bored because
Kim and Lootlove weren't around and they
weren't going to be until Wednesday so you can
imagine how bored I was going to be but I took
the time to finish off my assignment.
I was now laying on bed, going through my
WhatsApp contacts as I was still waiting for
Sasa to answer to my text, I came across Mihle
and obviously ndangena kwi contact yakhe, he
was online. The urge of texting him mntaka
dabs!
I viewed his status and profile picture, his
status was the old one which I knew but his dp
was changed, it was himself, next to him was
Nkululeko and they were looking at each other
as though talking. They were seated at those
steaming areas of clubs and this looked like a
stolen picture but it was beautiful anyway.
I did move from his name until he went offline
and his last seen appeared, maybe the way
forward was to remove his number because
with the way I was feeling I knew I'd want to text
him. I knew his number ended with a triple 777
and it was vodacom, that's how far I had
memorised it, it was too early to know the
whole nine digits and he barely showed his ID
anyway so you couldn't blame me.
I chatted my way through with Sasa, Azola and
my two girls. I didn't understand why they went
to Mossel Bay because both their stories
weren't getting to the point. After feeling like
I've had enough break I went back to roughly
drafting the Acts and Rights of Laws which I
had to type tomorrow, half way through with
that I decided to call David. As I was waiting for
him to pick up on the other side I thought off all
things I wanted to say to him, how he didn't call
me, to check if my leg was getting any better,
what if I was told I was losing my leg because
my bones were destroyed and he didn't know
because he never checked up on me. Was I
even this man's daughter nah Bawo?
"Nhanha?"
Nyanya, I prevented myself from saying
Me: "Molo tata"
Tata: "Hello baby, unjani?"
Me: "Andikho right (I'm not alright)"
I used a sick tone as I replied to that. I heard
him roughly close a drawer before he stopped
breathing for a second, I smiled because now I
knew I had his undivided attention...
"What's wrong?"
Me: "I need a laptop"
Tata: "Aphindiwe?"
Me: "Tata."
Tata: "Don't you ever do that again! What does
not having ilaptop have to do nempilo yakho?"
Me: "Indenza ndingabikho right tata (it makes
not to be alright dad)! Like I can:t always go to
the library xa ndifuna ukwenza assignment."
Tata: "Yimalin le laptop? (How much is this
laptop?)"
Me: "I don't know. I haven't went eGame yet"
Tata: "Okay, I'll transfer you cash tomorrow
morning."
Me: "Izosose ihamba nepocket money mos?
(It'll come with pocket money mos?)"
Tata: "Aphindiwe?"
"Tata?"
Tata: "What happened kula R7000 I sent you
kule nyanga iphelileyo? (What happened to that
R7000 I sent you last month?)
Me: "It was six"
Tata: "Iphi? (Where is it?)"
Me: "Ikhona tata but iyaphela though (I still have
but it's close to finishing.)"
Tata: "Wenza ntoni nge mali? Uyasela, utya
idrugs? (What do you do with the cash? Do you
drink, do drugs?)"
Me: "No!"
Tata: "Then be frugal mntanam. Be frugal!"
I rolled my eyes, he always gave me money
lectures ke shame but always ended up giving
me the cash anyway
"Don't spend cash ngongathi uphambene.
Andizalanga geza mna. Uyandivha Aphindiwe?
(Don't spend cash like you're crazy. I didn't birth
a pyscho. Do you hear me Aphindiwe?)"
Me: "Ewe tata (yes dad)"
Tata: "I'll only send you iR7000, only because
kukho le laptop ufuna uyithenga after yonke
lento, qho ngenyanga I'm sending you R5000(I'll
only send you R7000, only because there's this
laptop you want to buy after this whole thing,
every single month I'm sending you R5000.)"
Me: "Ngenyanga?! (Monthly?!)"
Tata: "Monthly yes. If you spend it ngongathi
awuright(anga) apha entloko, then you'll starve
(If you spend it like you're not okay in your head
then you'll starve)"
Me: "Fine."
Tata: "I would've slapped you uba ubulapha
phambe kwam (I would've slapped you if you
were here in front of me)."
Me: "Xolo (sorry)"
Tata: "Uxolo bani? (Sorry who?)"
Me: "Tata"
Tata: "I have a huge court case in an hour."
That was his way of telling me I gotta get off
the phone because he's busy, I was used to it.
He always said his goodbyes like I was one of
his clingy mistresses...
Me: "Bye"
Tata: "Bye Nhanha."
Immediately after he hung up, I checked my
balance on my account and I was disappointed
to see that it wasn't going to make up the price
of an Apple laptop, even after he has sent me
the R7000 he spoke about. One way to get the
money I wanted was to search the price online,
send him a pleading text message and stay
with crossed fingers that he'd read it and
consider sending me the amount.
After going through the prices of various shops,
Makro and Game seemed more trustworthy
hence they sold the best electronics, I decided
to text my dearest father
"Tata, I want an Apple Macbook, not the ones
you own at the office but something of that kind
so I checked the prices and the cheapest I
could find is R17 000 so ndiyakucela Bhele,
could you please send me an amount ranging
from that to R20 000. Please tatam."
I waited for him to respond and well he did, I
figured immediately after reading the text
because it was just a few seconds after it was
delivered
"Uphambene. (You're insane)" was his response
and just when I was going to send him a please
text another message from him entered
"You need rehab urgently. Awuphilanga
mntanam."
Believe me, as serious as this this text must
have been to him I couldn't help but laugh at it
and what made matters worse was thinking
about how he must have looked typing this,
bored as fuck but trying to convey such a deep
message. Anyway I sent him the "please!"
message which he obviously didn't respond to. I
continued with my assignment before I came to
question seven which strictly needed a book I
had not, it was one of those recommended
books for a certain module. After screaming
and throwing myself on the bed I decided to
drag myself to the library and look for it
because with it I couldn't continue with the
assignment. I hated how the following
questions somehow related to question seven.
I walked into the library and was taken aback
with the amount of students here, I guess
procrastination was a bitch to everybody or
maybe most of them preferred being here after
their session were over. I walked over to
librarian and questioned her about the book I
needed, apparently there was a limited edition
of these books so we couldn't take them out
but only read and work from them in here. I
ended up making copies of chapter seven to
eleven, believing those were the pages I'd need
since the titles and subtiles was based or
closely related to the questions. I returned back
to my dorm and worked half way on my
assignment.
I took bath early that day because I had to catch
a local taxi to the nearest shopping complex to
get myself something to eat, it was quite weird
how I was already used to being driven around,
now without babe for this period of time, I had
to catch taxi mntaka bawo.

On Tuesday I attended my classes in a much

better mood but one thing caused exasperation
and that was how David hadn:t sent the money
even to that moment. He said to me yesterday
"first thing in the morning" but now my watch
was hitting noon and there still was no bank
notification. It was only when I was attending
my last session when my bank vibrated and I
received a message from my bank, alerting me
that R10 000 was deposited in my account.
Hayi sana lendoda, wayezixelele (Oh wow this
man, he had told himself.) Grateful anyway, I
smiled to it, it was better than nothing.
After I was done with all my classes, I retreated
to my room, got my handbag and walked out
heading to the main road to catch a taxi. Today
I was wearing that basketball T-shirt Mihle had
gave to me the very first time I slept in his room,
the first time I spent a night under his roof and
never did I know I'd have more of those nights. I
was here now worrying about how he might
lose interest during this time of not talking to
me, the what if he was spending time with
Nomthandazo question never failed making its
way to my mind every time I thought of him. It
was frustrating because I wasn't yet 100% sure
if I knew him well, if you were to ask me, I
wouldn't tell you I was sure of whatever
decision he'd take for me blocking him like this
but ndandisoyika mntasekhaya (but I was
scared) the thought of dating someone who
was highly respected for human trafficking,
someone who seemed so loving until he was
angry. What scared me was not knowing when
he would blow up, when he'd be arrested, when
he'd be killed or when I'd be taken away
because such businesses came with sacrifices
and just the thought of it scared me to shit.
Right now I was at Game, going through the
laptops which cost anything below R10 000. It
was the 15th, the beginning of the third week of
March so just one more week then I'd receive la
R5000 yebhongo. In my account I had R11 640
which was something, I could at least get
myself a laptop which had a lot of space, I
needed some movies and series too. I was now
staring between a Acer Aspire which was R10
860 and a HP 250 G5 Core i5 laptop which was
R10 057 when I heard someone say...
"Take the Acer, it comes with better space."
I turned around and my eyes fell on a dark male
figure which was dressed in a navy suit. Not
knowing how to answer to that, I just smiled...
Male: "Ndingu Chulumanco"
He extended his hand to me, I took it in mine
Me: "Aphindiwe."
He had his left hand in his pocket and wasn't
much taller, I was not sure about his age but if I
had to guess, he must be in his late 20s early
30s or it was the beard working in his
advantage
Chulumanco: "Jonga Aphindiwe, thatha lena,
the Acer."
He said that with both his hands in his pockets,
staring hard at the Acer Aspire laptop, standing
besides me with his tilted to the side. I took him
in before smiling, it was funny how he portrayed
himself so serious within matter of seconds
Me: "I bet you only saying that because you own
one."
Chulumanco: "Not really. Had one though"
Only a few seconds after he said that he turned
and looked at me, wancuma
Me: "You smile like Trey Songs.""
Chulumanco: "Who's that?"
And he was serious again. This dude was weird!
Me: "Never mind"
"Uhm..."
He extended his right arm and checked his
watch, I looked at his cuffs before he looked
back at me
Chulumanco: "I was walking out until I saw but
unfortunately duty calls (pause) I want to give
you my business card but I know awuzo
phone(a)"
Me: "And how do you know that?"
Chulumanco: "Because awudingi mntu
(because you not in need of a person)"
Me: "(chuckles) Okay"
Chulumanco: "So give me eyako, please."
I stood there and looked around. I wasn't sure
whether to give it him or not but he handed me
his phone anyway. Men from Cape Town were
successful. I took it and dialed my number, he
was looking at me this whole time, smiling like
Trey Songs does, especially on Foreign. It was
creepy because that smile spoke nothing but
"bed", however I was hoping ndandi wrongo. He
handed me his business card before saying his
goodbye and walking out. I stood there and felt
somehow that I was still smiling because of
this Chulumanco guy I barely knew, my
stubbornness arose, I wasn't about to pick the
Acer he recommended so I went for the HP 250.
When I had all the papers filled in and the laptop
paid I stepped out of Game and decided to head
straight to the streets to catch a taxi because if
I took sometime and window shopped in this
mall, I'd have my heart broken, my money
wasn't enough.

Wednesday I attended and waited for my

bitches to return but sadly there was a story of
Kim's car being broken and needing a piece of
R600 so they were going to be fetched by
Andrew the following day, so of course my day
seemed to drag. On Thursday they arrived at the
late hours of noon and in the evening we out,
using a taxi to eat out at Mugg and Bean. They
spent the evening telling me about their trip to
Mossel Bay and for the first time I was glad
they didn't ask about my relationship.
It was now Friday morning, 11:13 to be specific
and I was sitting with Luthando and Anesipho,
Kim was gone to her new boyfriend. We were
chilling on the grounds of the campus, sitting
on the green part of the grass, chatting mostly
with Luthando beca Ane didn't do much talking.
We were having cans of soft drinks when my
phone rang, I looked at it and my eyes went
straight to the parking lot outside the school
yard, he couldn't be here.
Luthando: "Haibo yintoni ngoku babe? (What is
it now babe?)"
Me: "Ngu Mihle."
Luthando: "Ncooo ubabe, uyakukhumbula and
kaloku it's been long since he came around.
Didn't him ever I returned from Mossel Bay and
he's here everyday."
I stared at my phone until he hung up, by now
Lootlove and Ane were giving me strange faces,
the explaining I was hoping I wouldn't do
needed to be done now...
"We not on good terms. I asked him to stay
away, give me space hence his absence."
Luthando: "Oh (pause) what happened? Does it
have to do with your sister?"
I shook my head, looking at my phone which
was ringing again.
Luthando: "Kwenzekeni ke? (Then what
happened?)
Me: "I'll tell y'all when I'm ready."
That was a lie, I'd never tell this to anybody, it
wasn't something to say anyway. I thought
rejecting his number would do a better job, I
wasn't planning on rejecting it forever but until I
was ready to talk to him. We sat there for about
twenty minutes, back to our fun conversations
when Thando's phone rang, she answered...
"Private number hello?"
I saw the surprise on her face when she looked
at me before saying
"Ewe naku. (Yes here she is )"
She then handed me the phone, I looked at the
screen, it was a private number. I shrugged my
shoulders asking who it is
"Mihle" was what she mouthed and right then
my mouth dried...
Me: "Hi"
Mihle: "I'm outside your campus ndicela
uphume."
Me: "I'm not rea..."
Mihle: "Ndicela uphume Aphindiwe. (please
come out Aphindiwe)"
Me: "Okay"
He hung up. I slowly got up and gave Lootlove
her phone, I was still confused about how he
had her number but the surprised look on her
face told me she didn't know either.
Luthando: "He wants to see you?"
Me: "Ya. I'll be back."
I left them and walked towards the gate, my
palms were sweating and the way my heart was
beating ngakhona was insane. I spotted him
from a distance and I kept my eyes on him this
whole time, he was on a phone call at first but
hung up and stared at the ground. I was
wondering if the way I felt I connected with him
was the exact way he connected with me nah. I
was at the gate when he finally looked up, he
didn't look happy. A few away from him and I
stopped...
Me: "Hello"
Mihle: "Sondela Aphindiwe (come close
Aphindiwe)"
I took two steps forward and stopped again
causing him to furrow his eyebrows
Me: "How are you?"
Mihle: "Why am I rejected kwi phone yakho?
Me: "I felt I still needed some more space."
Mihle: "It's been a week Aphindiwe"
Me: "I know"
"And you still need more space?"
Me: "Ewe. I haven't cleared my mind yet."
He tilted his head and looked at me, I ran my
hands on the side of the T-shirt, they were
sweaty.
Mihle: "I'll be fetching you today after work."
Me: "Mihle I'm not ready"
Mihle: "Aphindiwe you'll never be ready. I've
given you five days and you still haven't took a
decision. You know what will happen if I give
you another week, you'll talk to me ngapha
kwelacingo (you'll talk to me behind that fence)"
I guess this distance got to him, in both ways. I
kept quiet and stared hard at him, he was
pleading indirectly
"I'll be here at five."
He stepped away from his car and took long
steps towards me, his white uniform making
him look like a God. He held me on both my
cheeks then placed a kiss on my forehead. I
stood rooted on that place and watched him
drive off.

It took me a short while before I let out a loud

sigh. I needed to get myself together before
tonight ngoba I felt like if I didn't ndandizonya
ngulo bhuti.
128th Entry

Zizipho

I had arrived yesterday night here in Cape Town

and umntana ka mama has been grumpy since
yesterday. I didn't know what the reason was
but he was fucked up I tell you and if you've
heeded the small about uMihle you'd know he
definitely took it out on me but hated it with
passionate when people took out their anger on
him. I was now outside the gates of the Geen
Williams Inc, contemplating on whether to
contact my so moody brother or not. I felt I had
no other option but to call him because my fear
was contacting him when I've gotten lost only
to have him rip my head off this time around, so
I dialed his number and rang him...
"Zee?"
Me: "Twin ndicela ubuza uba from here how do I
catch taxis home?"
Mihle: "Uphi wena? (Where are you?)"
Fuck, that was one thing I forgot to ask him.
While still gazing around to look for a street
name or something that could be off help, he
called my name
Me: "Andazi lendawo but ndilapha kwi Geen
Williams Incorporates (I don't know this place
but I'm here at Geen Williams Incorporates)"
Mihle: "And I'm supposed to know that place?"
Me: "Use sour nangoku?! (You still sour even
now?!)"
Mihle: "Jonga Zizipho send me your location ku
WhatsApp, uyeke undibuza ikaka (and stop
asking me shit)"
Me: "Can't you jus..."
And he hung up on me. I stomped my feet
forcibly on the ground, I wasn't done talking.
After raging and finally calming myself down I
sent him my location and now what irritated Mr
was having to wait for him to open my text,
which he might even do after an hour because
he's at work. He did however open it after a few
minutes then called me, instructing me to catch
a taxi to the neareast mall and wait for him
there. He could've just told me where to catch
taxis to his estate, I had the house keys after all.
I roamed around Somerset mall and bought a
few items I liked, I knew he'd give me a lecturer
for this because he didn't give me this money to
blow on stupid things but to print the
documents I'd need for all these jobs I was
applying to. Knowing I still had some cents
from the money my mother gave I decided to
catch a movie, I presumed Mihle's knockout
time was five o'clock, I calculated and worked
out that by then I'll be finished with the movie.
Still seated at the cinema, watching the Gods of
Egypt, I was interrupted by my phone ringing, I
pulled it out of my bag and was taken aback to
see three missed calls from Mihle, why couldn't
I hear it vibrate again? He called again and I
answered in a whisper
"Mhuh?"
Mihle: "I'm at the parking lot"
Me: "What?"
Mihle: "Ndizokushiya apha Zizipho (I'll leave you
here Zizipho.)"
The threat in his voice didn't go unheard.
Fucked up that I had to leave the movie halfway,
I stopped out and found the nearest entrance.
He didn't say which side of the mall had he
parked at so you can imagine walking around,
annoyed, ndixhakazela zipopcorns, looking for a
Benz amongst so many cars. I was still walking
when he drove pass me and came to a halt, I
opened the front door with as much attitude as
he was showing...
"If bendiyazi ukuza kwakho apha would be so
much work, ngendikujikile (if I had knew you
coming here would be so much work, I would've
returned you)"
I looked at him and placed my cold drink paper
cup on the cup holder, he drove out of the mall,
concentrating on the road before he pressed
the screen on his car and went to mobile calls.
Some list which looked like logs popped up and
he pressed the Phindi contact, the ringing tone
echoed in the car...
Phindi: "Hello"
Mihle: "I'm on my way."
Phindi: "Ukude kangakanani? (How far are
you?)"
Mihle: "About ten"
There was shuffling of papers in the
background before the Phindi girl responded
with an "okay."
I was hoping he was just contacted the girl to
get something from her but I had a feeling that
wasn't the case, it was either she was being
fetched or he'd leave me in the car for a very
long time, flirting with this Phindi for hours. You
see ubhuti wam (my brother) wasn't the type to
sleep at a girl's place, no, if he wanted to hit it,
he would either invite her over at his place or
book BnB or hotel room for the night. We were
at a four way stop when I saw the words
'University of Stellenbosch' in front of us and of
course the campus which was filled with
students, others walking out while most were
walking in with books in their hands or
backpacks. We passed the campus slightly and
stopped in front of buildings I assumed were
residence...
Mihle: "Zee"
Me: "Yep"
Mihle: "Ndicela uhlale ngemva Wele (please sit
at the back twin.)"
Those are the only two names he used when he
was himself or wanted a favour. I gave him that
cheeky look causing him to chuckle and smack
"Inxaki we not on good terms nobabe, so I have
a feeling singafika singathethi endlini (so I have
feeling we'd not be talking when we arrive at
home)"
Me: "Umsaphi kengoku xa ningekho on good
terms? (Where you taking her if you guys aren't
on good terms?)"
Mihle: "Ugqibele nini ujola? (When last did you
date?)"
Me: "Some time last year."
Mihle: "Uyacaca (it shows)"
Me: "Mxm."
I opened the door and stepped out, I had only
sat on the backseat when a well shaped girl
walked out of the gate but she wasn:t the only
one being fetched, since it was Friday, many
students have been walking out with bags so I
couldn't say she was the one but with her eyes
glued on this car and her walking towards this
direction I concluded she was the one. She was
carrying those huge handbags and it looked
expensive, a laptop bag, along with the Bella
huge cosmetic bag. Mihle unlocked the doors
when she stopped next to the passenger door,
fixing her bags so she could open the door.
Immediately when she stepped in, her sweet
perfume filled the car, she turned and looked at
me. Yep, I knew the bitch!
Phindi: "Hello."
Me: "Hey"
I faked a smile and kept it on until she turned
and faced my brother, jonga she seemed like
those rich kids and I didn't like how my gut told
me it was my brother's cash she was spending,
maybe Yam was right, wayetyelwe iyeza uKing
(King was under a potion)
Phindi: "Hey"
Mihle: "Kutheni uzoyisemeza? (Why you
whispering?)"
Phindi: "I am?"
Mihle: "Yeah."
"Sorry. Hello Mihle."
Mihle: "Hey babe"
He switched on the engine and drove away
from that university. After a while of silence and
just music playing softly, Mihle spoke
"Zizipho?"
Me: "Bhuti?"
Mihle: "NguAphindiwe lona, Phindi this is my
sister, my only sister uZizipho"
Aphindiwe: "I remember her."
Mihle: "She has moved in nam, ndimkhangelela
umsebenzi (I'm looking for a job for her)"
I furrowed my eyebrows in lieu of rolling my
eyes, like why the fuck was he telling her that?
Aphindiwe: "You didn't have to report that"
Me: "Exactly!"
She laughed lowly while he turned and looked at
me before turning his gaze back to the road. I
was watching how he was looking at her, like he
feared something and my brother wasn't the
type to be vulnerable so this was really weird. I
needed to know where this girl was from...
Me: "So where's home Phindi?"
Aphindiwe: "Emthatha"
Me: "Oh. Best witches come from that side right,
the Transkei side.
Aphindiwe: "(chuckles) I wouldn't know. Zange
ndahlala phaya (I never lives there)"
Me: "Buhlala phi?"
Mihle: "Sister in-law interrogation."
Me: "Phindi doesn't mind. Right Phindi?"
Aphindiwe: "(giggles) No, not at all"
Me: "So uthi ubuhlala phi (so where were you
staying again?)"
Aphindiwe: "At the Free State"
I nodded before questioning again
Me: "So you never went home?"
Aphindiwe: "I did, once in two years or so"
Me: "Jesus, ubukwazi ungaboni abantu
bakokwenu for that long? (Could you manage
not seeing your family for that long?)"
Aphindiwe: "It isn't like I had a chance"
I shifted on my seat and positioned myself in
the middle of their seats, I laid my head on
driver's seat and looked at her. This was getting
interesting and you couldn't blame me for
becoming more curious. I was about to ask
something when Mihle asked
"So my babies, sitya ntoni? (What are we
eating?)"
Me: "Anything as long as inenyama please (it
has meat please)"
Mihle: "Tshisanyama?"
Me: "Ewe! (Yes)"
Mihle: "Babe?"
Aphindiwe: "Yeah it's fine"
Mihle raised a brow at her before he continued
staring at the road. This brown handbag of hers
had a Daniel Hetcher badge and in honesty, it
really looked beautiful
Me: "So unangaphi? (So how old are you?)"
Aphindiwe: "22 to turn 23"
Mihle: "A year younger than you,"
Me: "Yeah"
Aphindiwe: "You 24 already?"
Me: "Not yet, ngoMay I will be."
She nodded, encumile. Mihle drove into some
bar which looked a little fancy and had a
tshisanyama on the side of it. It was packed
with people drinking, cars with open trunks and
ladies in very short shorts walking. Mihle found
a place to park his car, right above the
pavement and instructed we step out. We
walked in the yard, I was texting on my phone
walking on Mihle's right while Phindi was
holding his left hand. We headed straight to the
butchery and helped Mihle choose the pieces of
pork chops and T-bone steak, along with some
wings. We also bought cold drinks and I told
uMihle I'd cook ichakalaka and pap at home.
Meanwhile we were seated there waiting for the
meat, Mihle was chatting to these guys and
they were standing away from us, leaving me
and Phindi alone at this table. It was nice how
easy it was for guys to find themselves in a
flowing conversation even when they didn't
know each other that well because these guys
didn't know Mihle, they just approached him
asking about a badge he had on his shoulder
and told him how they were going back and
forth about it then boom, the conversation
began. I had forced my brother to buy me 6
pack ye Hunters Gold and he obviously threw a
lecturer before buying it, now I was drinking that
and umiss was having a Liquo juice...
"So awusele wena? (So you don't drink?)"
Aphindiwe: "I do, kakhulu but whenever I'm
drunk ubhuti wakho and myself (shakes head)"
Me: "(chuckles) so uxolela ungasele? (So you
rather not drink?)"
Aphindiwe: "When we out I do. Silwe ke qha
(then we fight)"
I nodded and this time gave her a real smile. I
still wasn't sure if I liked her or not but I'd see on
Sunday when she has to return to school how I
feel about her, the way we treat each other this
weekend will determine how I'll feel about her at
the end. Well I never had a problem with any of
the girls that dated my brother until I met
Nomthandazo, she was shit for the whole three
years ndimazi and aware that this young lady
was a sister to Nomthandazo, I wondered how
she was at treating people.
Me: "So this thing yakho and my brother and
your sister,"
She pouted, nodding slowly before she sighed
loudly
Aphindiwe: "What about it?"
Me: "Ndikubuza as umkhozi kengoku (I'm
asking you as a sister in-law) What happened?
Did uNomtha just hand uMihle over to you?"
Aphindiwe: "It isn't something I'd like to talk
about but xa ndikwazi (but when I can)
someday, I'll tell you."
She narrowed her eyes at Mihle's direction and I
watched how he was looking at her. It was
fucken weird seeing my brother in love, it was
an image I'd never get used to. I understood
why she didn't want to talk about this subject, it
wasn't something lekker to just dwell on. Mihle
walked up to us and spoke about going to
check if the meat was ready, he returned with
the meat reaped in foil and put in a plastic. We
walked to the car and right after driving off, we
headed home, just where I needed to be. It's
been a long day.
Mihle

We arrived home after a long day, honestly I

was exhausted, mentally the most but there
was no way I'd go to bed without talking to this
lady I loved, I needed to know where we stood
and I wanted her to make a decision tonight, no
in fact I needed her to. I was at the lounge,
going through some database from work, I had
to get these done by tonight so tomorrow
morning I'd sat a meeting for feedback and with
the rehearsals close I had to get everything
through as soon as I could because when the
event date was close, it was always chaotic. My
baby sister was in the kitchen with Aphindiwe, I
loved how they were chatting and having little
laughs every now and then, with Nomthandazo
this was really hard.
I was halfway through the database when
Phindi walked in holding a glass of cold drink,
she stood over me and said nothing, I couldn't
help but smile at this, even when she wasn't
much interested in talking to me, she had to
check up on me...
Me: "Missed me?"
Aphindiwe: "Just came to see uba usahleli na
(just came to see if you still awake) you been
quiet."
Me: "Been busy but I feel like my body is giving
in. Idiniwe indoda (a man is tired)"
Aphindiwe: "Ya, I can imagine"
I placed my laptop on the coffee table and
extended my hand for her to hold, she stared at
it for a long time before placing hers on it.
I pulled her gently to the couch and she sat next
to me, holding the glass tightly with one hand. I
was about to address her when Zee walked in
carrying a spoon full of chakalaka...
"Khayivhe (taste it.)"
Me: "Zee toro, if it tastes good kuye then it
tastes good kum."
Zizipho: "That's the thing! I don't know kushorta
ntoni (I don't know what's shorting)"
She took my hand and poured half the
chakalaka, I tasted it and I too couldn't make up
what ingredient it was which I couldn't taste
Me: "Jonga put a little of some black pepper, I
feel it isn't too hot. Then chutney too but not too
much"
She nodded, doing that dramatic turn and
retreated back to the kitchen. I turned on my
seat and looked at Phindi, she was staring hard
at the glass now, holding with both her hands
Me: "We need to talk"
Aphindiwe: "Mhuh?"
Me: "Ndicela uyibeke le glass baby and look at
me (please put this glass away and look at me)"
She finished the juice and placed the glass on
the coffee table, right before she looked at me
she sighed, loudly
Me: "Sudikwa (don't get annoyed)"
Aphindiwe: "I'm not, just a little nervous with
where this conversation is going"
Me: "It's going where you think it's going. We
can't ignore this Phindi"
Aphindiwe: "But can't we talk about it tomorrow
maybe?"
Me: "And go to bed sinje?"
"Sinjani Mihle? (How are we Mihle?)"
Me: "(chuckles) Sinjani? Are you serious?
Aphindiwe you hardly look at me, you keep your
distance awufuni ndikubambe then you ask me
uba sinjani?"
She wasn't looking at me nangoku. She kept
quiet and gazed at the floor instead
Me: "Could you look at me?"
She finally looked at me, the hurt in her eyes
made me cringe"
Me: "Say something"
Aphindiwe: "Ufuna ndithini Mihle? (What do you
want me say Mihle?) I've said everything I
wanted on Monday, I asked you to stop yonke
lento but awufuna (I asked you to stop this
whole thing but you refused)."
Me: "Andikwazi (I can't)"
"No Mihle. If you coul..."
Me: "Ndizobanjwa Aphindiwe! (Long pause) I'll
get arrested babe. Ndiyakucela Mambhele,
please."
Zizipho stormed in, sounding all curious,
worried and shit
"Ngubani ozobanjwa? (Who's gonna get
arrested?)"
My eyes didn't leave Aphindiwe, she had to say
uyandixolela before I could avert my attention
to anything. Since I was standing next to the
coffee table, I found space to kneel in front of
her and held her hands. She kept on looking
between Zee and I
Zizipho: "Guys khanindihoye please, ngubani
ozobanjwa?! (Guys could you answer me please,
who's gonna get arrested?!)"
Me: "Jonga mna Aphindiwe (Look at me
Aphindiwe)"
She looked at me, swallowing hard. If we were
in good terms I would've smiled when she
squeezed my hands but she most probably
doing it from being nervous
Me: "Zizipho please excuse us, you're
distracting uAphindiwe."
Zizipho: "I'm..."
She stopped talking when I lifted a hand to her,
she muttered a long mxm before I heard her
footsteps retreating back to the kitchen
Me: "Ndijonge Aphindiwe (look at me
Aphindiwe)"
She sighed and narrowed her small eyes at me
before taking her bottom lip in between her
teeth
Me: "Forgive me. Forgive me that I can't be the
man you want me to be, that I now appear as a
murderer, as a kidnapper, that you now see me
as a rapist. Ndixolele Mambhele that there's
nothing I can do about this but to ask you uba
undithande ndinje."
Aphindiwe: "Mihle"
Me: "Forgive me Aphindiwe ngoba
ndiyakuthanda. I know I spoke about giving you
the freedom to make your choice, to walk out if
you want but andizokwazi. I can't and I won't.
Whatever bullshit I said about letting you make
a choice, fuck that, awuzoya ndawo."
She raised her eyebrows at me, parting her lips
a little. I furrowed my eyes and continued
talking
"If you were planning on walking out, rethink it. I
won't let you Nhanha"
Aphindiwe: "Don't sound like that. You're
scaring me"
Me: "I'm sorry."
She licked her lips and nodded, she was
shaking but a little compared to when we
started with the conversation. I stayed put on
my knees in front of and laid my head on her lap,
she seemed tense for a while and it was
contagious but when I felt her fingers at the
back of my neck, I relaxed too. She
absentmindedly rubbed the back of my neck
and moved her fingers up until she dug them on
my hair
Aphindiwe: "I know I'm scared uba undibambe
(for you to hold me) but I missed you. My week
was dull without you"
Me: "You missed me?"
Aphindiwe: "Ewe (yes)"
Me: "Kangakanani? (How much?)"
She was about to answer when I ran my hands
up her thighs lifting the T-shirt she was wearing,
she gasped and dug her fingers deeper in my
hair. I placed a wet kiss on her left thigh and
smiled when she opened them slightly, I
watched how she laid her head backward
opening the legs when I positioned my hand
between her thighs and moved it up. I got up
and placed kisses on her neck as I placed my
thumb on her clit over her lace panties. I found
her lips and placed a baby kiss before placing
one on her forehead then pulling back
Me: "No sex this weekend,"
She gave me a questioning look, I chuckled
before it was a fucken turn on how she was
always ready for me
Me: "Before I give you any of it which will
probably be next week, I need Aphindiwe back"
Aphindiwe: "Ndibuyile njena (I'm back)"
Me: "All of you (pause) and if by next week you
still like this, we can make it a month."
She parted her lips, folding her arms over her
chest before she pouted. I placed a kiss on
those pouted lips while I was getting up,
heading to the bedroom to fetch some files I
needed...
"I'm not that much of a horny guy baby! If you
try me I'll have you masturbate for the next
month!"
I laughed when I felt a cushion hit my back, I
turned and looked at her and when I saw that
smile which made her eyes look closed, I felt
relieved. It was good to know I could still make
her laugh regardless the person she now saw
me as.

I walked into my bedroom in a smirk, I honestly

was hoping she wouldn't put us through a
situation where she'd want to walk out or
choose another guy over me because I meant it
when I said she was going nowhere.
129th Entry

Aphindiwe

Spending a weekend at Mihle's and only chill

around, either watching him do things or
chatting with him was actually weird but I liked
it too how he valued me even with my clothes
on. I know mna nomntu wam, we were always
freaks on and ready to mingle but with
someone like him there was no way I could no.
Just by him staring at me and smirking, that on
its own was enough to give me mad butterflies.
He was fucken good at his game.
Saturday we actually went out to watch a match
during the day, it was a Ajax Cape Town and
Wits soccer match which I didn't enjoy much
because I wasn't a sport person. Zizipho on the
other hand was going on and on about soccer
players and how she was crushing on Jimmie
Tau once, I don't know what it is about girls and
this guy and right now she was on Lebese. My
man was having a chat with Nkululeko, Bhuti'B
and some girls these dudes brought with. I
loved how Mihle indirectly sent these bitches a
message that he was taken, they came as four
and apparently two were known, the other two
were still new in this game thing, trying to flirt
with Nkulie and my man like I wasn't around.
Zizipho did notice how they acted and asked
me why didn't I tell them not to, other people
really looked chilled but weren't. I couldn't
because I wasn't the type to stir up drama and
watch it blew up in front of my face, in other
words, I couldn't handle drama.
I recall when we returned home and Zizipho
couldn't stop asking about Nkululeko, she got
the hint from how Mihle looked at her back at
the stadium but she was still persistent and
wanted to know more. Now we all were
gathered in the kitchen, I was helping Zee with
the chopping whilst Mihle was busy on his
laptop...
"So yimpinch yakho Wele? (So he's your buddy
twin?)"
Mihle: "Ubani? (Who?)"
Zizipho: "Nkululeko?"
I watched how my man shut his eyes and
furrowed his eyes at the same time before he
opened them and gave his sister the straightest
face there ever was, I couldn't help but giggled
at this because le girl could cool someone. I
mean as annoyed as this man looked, you'd
either want to apologize or excuse yourself but
she just stared at him then started whistling on
rhythm. Mihle kept his eyes on her for a long
time before he went back to his laptop. I looked
in between them and when my eyes landed on
her, she was pulling faces on Mihle
Me: "Zizipho"
I said with a warning tone
Zizipho: "Yintoni? (What is it?)"
I shook my head, smiling. I actually thought
Mihle was planning on ignoring her until he said
"You barely know Nkululeko so I'm not going
have act like awubhadlanga ngobona uNkulie
(you got no brains by seeing Nkulie)."
Zizipho: "Bendibuza (I was just asking)"
Mihle: "You better get your act right. Andishorti
ngamali yokugodosa (I'm not in short of cash to
take you back home)"
Zizipho: "Mxm"
We spent the rest of the Saturday in a better
mood, I getting to know my sister in-law better
and more about her Port Elizabeth life.
Sunday we woke up very late only because we
had nothing much to do. Zizipho was already in
the lounge, playing loud music and having some
leftovers from yesterday's food. I on the other
hand was having chats with Mihle in bed, he
was filling me in about the Aircraft event which
would take place...
Me: "Is anybody allowed to attend or yinto
yamajoni? (Or it's a soldier thing?)"
Mihle: "It's an everybody's event but obviously
y'all will pay an entrance fee,"
Me: "Pay or get tickets?"
Mihle: "Akhona nama ticket(i) so either way
kodwa xa ungena ticket the entrance is extra
with R50 I think (there are tickets so either way
but when you don't have a ticket the entrance is
extra with R50 I think."
Me: "Not bad. Ndiyafuna ukuya (I want to go)"
I sat up excitedly on the bed, earning a strange
look from him
Me: "I'm already planning an outfit."
Mihle: "(chuclkes)woaw woaw woaw, hold up.
How's your school schedule, because you can
only go there if you don't have a test,
assignment or classes that day"
Me: "Kanti inini lento? (When is this?)"
Mihle: "Friday, I'm not sure about the date yet
but it's Friday then Saturday is the after party."
Me: "Kukho neAfter party? (There's even an
after party?)"
Mihle: "Yeah (pause) one which I wouldn't like
you to attend."
Me: "Why?"
Mihle: "Because I won't really have time for you
and unlike the event itself this is at night"
Me: "So nakwi event you won't have time for
me?"
Mihle: "I won't lie babe, that day andizokwazi
whatsoever. I mean we have performances and
speeches and when that is done, we being
pulled here and there by captains, taking
pictures."
I nodded, looking at him. I guess it was hectic
but he still had to explain the after party
Me: "And at the after party, what's the work
you'll be doing lento ungazokwazi nondihoya?
(Which will be the cause of you not having time
for me?)"
Mihle: "Quiet the same."
I raised my eyebrows at him, he looked at me
from the position he was laying before he got
up and sat upright like I was doing...
"Look on Friday, we're required to dress in white
(pause) for the event. On Saturday, we dress
black, for the after party. Kwi after party we
have a limited time for fun babe, very limited."
Me: "Sounds boring but okay. So what's your
worry xa ndiya kwi after party (if I go to the after
party?)"
He tilted his head and looked at me for a while
before speaking
Mihle: "Niggurs who'll chase after you."
Me: "You need to trust yourself"
Mihle: "I do. It's you I'm worried about"
Me: "Mna? (Me?)"
Mihle: "Not long ago ubungafuni undithethisa
(you didn't want to talk to me)"
Me: "I had reasons."
Mihle: "And what could possibly stop you to find
more?"
I shifted from where I was sitting and gave him
a questioning look. It was too soon for this, in
fact it was too soon for everything in this
relationship
Me: "Since when am I not trusted?"
Mihle: "Don't put words in my mouth"
Me: "You just said..."
He was looking at me with that 'talk' look, this
man never wanted to be wrong. I believe he
already had a respond of trying to justify
himself even before he could hear everything I
had to say
Me: "Never mind"
I got off the bed and went straight to where my
bags were at, from my toiletry bag I took my
toothbrush and toothpaste then headed to the
bathroom, he didn't stop me. When I returned
he was busy making the bed and honestly I was
exasperated with how cool he was acting...
Me: "So this is how this relationship will
workout? You always right, mna not having a
say."
He turned and looked at me, I had my arms
folded over my chest leaning against the
hairdresser
Mihle: "Uthetha ngantoni? (What you talking
about?)"
Me: "Where does the mistrust come from?"
Mihle: "Aphindiwe I didn't say I don't trust you"
Me: "Then what did you mean xa usithi I'm the
one you're worried about?"
Mihle: "I just said you weren't talking to me,
keeping distanc..."
Me: "I had reasons! Bendinezizathu damm't!
Why can't you just understand that not all of us
are okay with gangsterism?"
He walked towards me but I stopped him using
my hand, I tried clearing my throat before
talking
"Only because I don't want to go back to step
one, I'm gonna ask you to fix your shit. Uthi
useza kum uzothetha nam, uze with a better
view. (So when you finally come to talk to me,
you come with a better view.)"
I felt I had said enough so I walked out of the
bedroom and headed to the kitchen. In the
lounge, Zizipho was holding a plate with
chicken bones...
Zizipho: "Is this how it feels uhlala necouple? (Is
this how it feels loving with a couple?)"
Me: "Your brother is shit."
She turned down the volume, laughing before
she got up and followed me into the kitchen and
placed the plate on the kitchen counter. She
was smiling at me, showing her white teeth out
Zizipho: "I've heard worse baby."
Me: "Mxm, you not even helping"
Zizipho: "Haibo, ufuna ndithini? (What do you
want me to say?)"
Me: "Could you pass me the milk?"
Zizipho: "Oh caba uthi lena ndiyithethayo yikaka?
(Oh so you're indirectly saying what I'm saying
is shit?)"
Me: "(chuckle) pass me the milk bitchikazi."
She pouted before stepping towards the fridge,
opening it and handing me the milk. With my
bowl of cereal prepared we went back to the
lounge and watched these reality shows, we
had small chats but still at the back of my mind
I was a little mad at her brother. As much as I
wanted to sit here with him and watch him talk
and smile, I was also wanted him to apologize
and put aside his ego for once, letting his gut
down for just one time wouldn't hurt. While
Zizipho and I were still at it, he walked out of his
room, all clean and shit, dressed in shorts, a
track jacket and his black Adidas zx, carrying a
grey and black Nike sport bag and on one hand
he had his cellphone and car keys. He walked
passed us without uttering a word then headed
to the kitchen, where he stepped out holding a
red apple...
Zizipho: "Ekusaphi endlela? (Where's the road
taking you?)"
Mute. "So I decided to question him"
Me: "Uyaphi Mihle? (Where you going Mihle?)"
Mihle: "Out."
I got up on my feet and followed him to the
door, so we have one fight then umntu is gone.
Siphi kanti, eAmerica? (Where are we here, in
America?) I stood at the door frame and
watched him walk towards the garage. Hayi
mntase, ndandingakwazi uthula (No, I couldn't
keep quiet)
Me: "By getting your shit together I didn't mean
leave"
Mihle: "Could you mind your language
Aphindiwe xa uthetha nam? (when you talking
to me?)"
Me: "Where you going?"
Mihle: "Ndiya egym(ini) (I'm going to the gym)"
I don't know what facial expression I was giving
him but when he said with exhaustion
"What? Ufuna undikhapa? (Do you want to
accompany me?)"
Me: "No"
He turned on his heel and headed for the
garage. The kind of attitude he gave was as
though he was trying to tell me he wouldn't beg
me in this situation. I watched his car reverse
out of the garage before I stepped back inside
the house, Zizipho was on the phone making a
noise, one would swear she was
communicating with the person face to face.
After her very long conversation she hung up
and turned to me...
Zizipho: "Uthi uyaphi lo? (Where did this one say
he's going?)"
Me: "Gym"
She nodded and I knew to her this would sound
somehow ridiculous because she was most
probably expecting me to know but I had to
know
"uGyma ntoni? (What's he gyming?)"
As expected, she gave me a bored to shocked
back to bored expression.
Zizipho: "You're joking right?"
Me: "No."
Zizipho: "What the fuck! Okay wait! How much
do you know about my brother?"
Me: "About uhmm forty percent"
Zizipho: "Then kule forty he never mentioned to
you what he does on his spare time?"
Me: "For crying out loud Zizipho, isn't it clear
that he never said it, if he did ngendiyazi (I
would've known)"
She raised her eyebrows at me, I believe it was
because of the tone I used on her. I sighed,
faking a smile
"Please."
Zizipho: "By the way I know that's fake. Man
niyafana kokwenu, anina patience niks (man
y'all are the same at your family, y'all got no
patience)"
Me: "More like the stubborneess that trends in
your family. Now uthanda ntoni Mihle? Rugby?
Soccer?"
Zizipho: "Soccer obviously. If he played rugby
his face wouldn't be so scar free."
I shrugged my shoulders, I guess she was right.
We spent the rest of the rest of the morning
chatting, after bathing I took a rest which later
turned into a long nap and I woke up to the
smell of garlic in chicken gravy. Getting up from
the couch I was laying on, my heart smiled
when I saw Mihle laying on the opposite couch.
From all that bullshit he gave me earlier on, he
looked so peaceful.
The rest of the week I spent at school, either
studying, working on assignments, chilling with
my girls or being visited by Mihle. He actually
drove here twice a day, during his lunch time
and after work hours. It seemed like our daily
routine, he didn't have to tell me he was coming
I needed to fix up, no, he just called me to tell
me he's outside and could I please go attend
him. I spent two weeks away from his house, I
didn't even spend the weekend there which was
a little hard to get used to but there were always
new adjustments in each relationship and if you
promised yourself you'd love your partner and
stay committed no matter the circumstances
then you did.
You can imagine the frustration I was going
through, only receiving kisses from him and no
more sex but I understood at work he was busy,
with the event preparation and rehearsals so he
couldn't make as much time as he used to. Well
I wasn't the only one who was dying of hunger,
from the way he was asking for nudes every
night it showed he missed me as much as I
missed him. It was now a week before the show,
a Thursday to be more specific and I was
seated across Mihle at the Tokara restaurant,
feasting on our delicious meals. He was filling
me in about the type of outfit he would like me
to wear at the event as well as after party and
right now he was on his third imagined outfit, all
these were clothes which covered my body, by
that I mean they didn't show my body shape,
they were loose.
Me: "But you do know that's not my style njena."
Mihle: "What?"
Me: "Number one and two, three I could
consider"
Mihle: "You could or you will?"
Me: "I could."
We ate in chats and I thanked God the subject
about my attire was dropped. We were now
talking about his sexual frustration, how he
says he and Zizipho kept on arguing nangento
lena encinci (even over something small) and it
was all because he hasn't touched me for
almost a month
'Umlomo uyadala babe (the mouth creates
babe)"
Mihle: 'Oh so iyakuvuyisa yonke wena lento? (So
this whole thing makes you happy?)"
Me: "No. Remember masturbating is nothing
close to Fhaku"
He choked on his steak, laughing at what I said.
The white men and women around obviously
did look at us but Mihle being Mihle he didn't
stop. He finally gathered himself and I couldn't
help the smile which made its way to my face
when I saw the tears at the corner of his eyes.
He drank from his glass of juice before
speaking to me
Mihle: "Fuck babe uzondibulala (fuck babe,
you'll kill me)"
Me: "Hayi did nothing"
Mihle: "Which fingers do you use?"
He leaned on the table and licked his bottom,
the lust in his eyes. I lifted my index and middle
finger to him, biting my bottom lip. There was
silence on the table until he softly said
"And how was it?"
Me: "Wet."
He clenched his jaws and leaned back on the
chair, I giggled before the horniness in his eyes
told me he either imagined it or believed I did it
Mihle: "You'll have to show me."
Me: "Show you what?"
Mihle: "How you masturbate."
Me: "(laughs) No babe ndiyadlala (I'm joking). I
never done it"
Mihle: "(chuckles) well ndenzele kengoku (well
do it for me now)"
I looked at him and my worries and concern
arose, he didn't look like he was playing around
Me: "That was a joke right?"
Mihle: "No."
Now I was the one to seat back on the chair and
look at him. The way he was looking at me
would have been sexy if we were at a private
place but here it made me nervous
Me: "Baby ndithe I'm joking now please stop
looking at me that way"
Mihle: "(chuckles) awuhluthanga? (Aren't you
full?)"
Me: "Not yet"
Mihle: "We taking it as a take away."
He lifted his hand calling for a waitress, his eyes
were searching around the room until one came
to our table. He asked for my plate to be packed
in a takeaway then paid the bill. When we left
the restaurant he told me we were heading to
my residence just to fetch my clothes then head
to Belmar, I would also take items for the
weekend because tomorrow he would me to
and from school. Even with our normal chats on
the way, my body was telling me there's
something it's excited about and every time I
thought of it must nipples and goosebumps
showed it all.
Mihle: "Uzoqala ngohlaba? (Will you bath first?)"
Me: "Babe!"
Mihle: "Yintoni? (What?)"
Me: "Are you really planning sex right now?"
Mihle: "(chuckles) I'm not planning it, I just want
to calculate how much time I'll have"
Me: "What's the latest you can stay up to?"
Mihle: "I can go all night if I have to."
"Let's go all night then."
He slowly licked his lips with his eyes narrowed
at me, his eyes went from mine to my lips and
they stayed there
Mihle: "Ufuna si cross night(e)? (You want us to
cross night?)"
Me: "If you promised not to be rough."
He parked in front of his garage right after I said
that, he stared at me for some time with his
engine still on. He finally switched it off, turned
off the lights then opened his door, I stepped
out grabbing my takeaway along with Zizipho's
then he helped me with my bags. Our mood
when we walked into the house was all smiles
and happiness as usual. Zee was sitting alone
in the lounge, busy on her phone, I stood over
the couch she was seated on and handed her
the food we had brought her. I was about to get
my bags which Mihle had placed in the middle
of the room when I heard a sound coming from
the passage
"What's that?"
Zizipho: "Oh kanene, Bhuti you got a visitor"
Mihle was walking to the kitchen but stopped in
his steps when his sister said that, he turned
around with the exact questioning look I had on
Mihle: "Ngubani lowo? (Who's that?)"
Instead of answering the question, Zee pointed
down the passage. Mihle and I exchanged looks
before he retreated to his bedroom, my heart
was pounding because I knew there was only
one person who could possibly be here. Mihle
didn't even make it to his bedroom, he stopped
on the passage and watched her approach him,
I took in how she felt comfortable in Mihle's
navy gown which she was tying around her
waist...
Mihle: "What are you doing here?"
Nomthandazo: "I thought I should cut the..."
She stopped talking and looked in my direction,
I been rooted on the same spot ever since she
appeared from the passage, for some reason I
felt like my love life walls were trembling in
front of me
"What is she doing here?"

Her tone, disgust and the attitude which

showed she still felt like she belonged under
this roof made me regret the advice I had given
Mihle a month ago. What was that shit again,
being the supportive girlfriend? Yeah that
fuckery, was now back and about to destroy
what I thought I was holding rigid.
130th Entry

Nomthandazo

I stood there and somehow felt my heart break

into two but I wasn't about to show this bitch
that, so I controlled myself and looked between
her and Mihle, she had a curious facial
expression as if waiting for me to answer
myself, Mihle on the other hand looked bored as
fuck...
Me: "Mihle?"
He raised his eyebrows at me, sighed then
finally spoke
"What?"
Me: "Could you answer me toro! Yenzani lento
apha?! (What's this thing doing here?!)"
Aphindiwe: "Andiyinto I got a na... (I'm not a
thing I got a na...)"
Me: "Bitch could you shut up, ndithetha noMihle!
(I'm talking to Mihle!)"
Mihle: "I'll answer you xa unendlela yoyibuza lo
question (I'll you when you have a way of asking
this question)"
Me: "What?!"
Mihle: "Nomthandazo (pause) these quarrels
and shit, bezingekho before you got here"
Me: "Wow (claps hands) wow!"
They all looked at me, the sister even turned
from the couch and looked at me instead of the
television she was staring a second ago. I
looked at them but most importantly from that,
I took in the way Mihle was looking at me, he
somehow looked hurt and what worried me was
not knowing if that was from my presence or he
has been like this ever since the last time I saw
him. I decided to keep my cool because of the
man in front of me and took a decision that I'd
behave, for now...
Me: "Wenzani uAphindiwe apha? (What's
Aphindiwe doing here?)"
Mihle: "She stays here."
I had to get him to say that again because for a
moment it felt like he had just spoken a
language I knew not off. Unfortunately both
myself and this bitch simultaneously asked
"What?"
He looked at me before turning to her then back
to me
Mihle: "From today onwards, she stays here."
Aphindiwe: "But Mihle you know I..."
She stopped talking and looked at him, they
were exchanging looks and I knew this man
here when he was best at keeping people shut
by just throwing daggers at them, well he used
to do it to me but came to a point where he
failed so he had to stop. He moved around me,
not wanting to touch and headed to the
bedroom, I stood right where I was and looked
at Aphindiwe, she was staring back at me...
Me: "It would be a pleasant surprise if the family
would know you spend your weekends here."
She folded her arms over her chest and leaned
on the couch, I continued talking
"Utata, umama, Tamnci and he has to know that
his daughter has more interest in my baby
daddy than her books."
She moved away from the couch and grabbed
her bags, I watched the attitude she was
possessing as she was walking towards where
I was standing
Aphindiwe: "You want to call them? Go ahead
so I be forced to stay away from Mihle (pause)
but best believe my absence won't change the
way he feels about you"
Me: "(laughs) Then if it'll never change, why did
he consider my suggestion and allowed me to
come? That's because he thought things
through and realized I had to close to him
(pause) that you could never replace me."
Aphindiwe: "Don't flatter yourself, I convinced
him to bring you. He didn't even want a piece of
you under his roof but ndathetha naye (but I
spoke to him) and I only that for umntana (the
baby)."
She moved around me like Mihle just did and
walked to the bedroom, I looker around the
room trying to process the lie this bitch just told
me. Zizipho was looking at me with so much
curiosity and pity
Me: "Ujonge ntoni? (What are you staring at?)"
She just muttered a loud mxm before she
turned back to the television. I walked to the
room where I was before these came in, she
was standing at the bottom of the bed looking
at him and he was standing at the window, his
tanned back facing her...
Me: "Mihle ndicela sithethe (Mihle can we
talk?)"
He turned and looked at me between narrowed
eyes, he looked really annoyed but I didn't care,
he was the one who said I could come through...
Me: "Awunosinika ispac... (Can't you give us
spac ...)"
Aphindiwe: "I'm leaving."
I raised my eyebrows and watched her take her
time as she headed for the door.
"Close the door on your way out."
As I expected her to, she left it open, mumbling
some words under her breath. I headed for the
door and closed it by now Mihle was sitting on
that couch he got the auction with a car he sold
Me: "I've made arrangements with my manager
I'll be working from home."
Mihle: "I thought we agreed on the third month"
Me: "We did ewe but..."
Mihle: "Is this the third month then?"
Me: "No Mihle."
Mihle: "Then kutheni ulapha? (then why are you
here?)"
Me: "I needed to be close to you. I need our
baby to grow fond of both us, the same way.
Ndifuna umthande esakhula inside of me (I
want you to love him/her while he's/she's still
growing inside of me)"
He looked at me for a long time before dropping
his eyes to my tummy which wasn't showing yet
but was harder than usual. I didn't have a flat
tummy anyway but it was not yet visible, it still
looked like my normal tummy. He got up from
the couch and unbuckled his belt, he removed
his pants, he then went to the wardrobe and
pulled out his black cuttob shorts, wore those
and placed the pants in washing basket after
searching them of course. As he was taking
steps towards the door in socks, he threw his
car keys and wallet on the bed, he was about to
open the door when I asked...
"Zithini isleeping arrangements? (How are the
sleeping arrangements?)"
Mihle: "I'll fix the spare room for you"
Me: "Intoni?! (The what?!)"
He furrowed his eyebrows before yawning, I
don't know if he was displaying bored or
exhaustion.
Mihle: "You can't expect me to share a bed with
both you and Aphindiwe."
Me: "She doesn't have to share a bed with us"
Mihle: "You'll sleeping at the spare room."
Me: "Mihle please'
He gave me a curious face. He wasn't serious
kodwa, he couldn't expect me to sleep at the
spare room while I know he was in bed with that
man-stealing bitch
Me: "You never told me uba ndizofike elapha
maybe if wawundixelele I could've prepared
myself (that I'll arrive at her presence maybe if
you had told me I could've prepared myself)"
Mihle: "You have all the time to prepare yourself
now."
I kept quiet and exchanged stares with him
when he saw I wasn't talking he held the handle
of the door and opened it, he was about to walk
out when I interrupted him again
Me: "Where did it go wrong between us?"
He closed his eyes and cringed his jaws for
some time before he opened them, sighing
"Xa ugqibile uzoza uzotya. (When you're done
you'll come eat.)"
I stood at that spot and held myself from
screaming. This lump, I wanted to let it out in all
possible ways but I told myself I needed to play
cool. He never liked women who didn't treat
themselves well and I knew better not to, I'd
have him kick me out of his house if he felt I
was too much to control and handle.
Ndandimazi xa evukwe zingqondo
zokuphambana (I knew him when his psycho
minds awoken) he would kick me and this baby
out.
This was going to be a bloody long seven
months and to get my man back, to soften him
up, I needed to do what I knew he liked. This
bitch was about to see that I knew Mihle way
better than she thought I did and if by any
chances she was giving me a hard, my family
would gather here discussing her trip back to
Mthatha.

Mihle

This was the worst way to begin my weekend.

My mind was all over the place, I couldn't think
straight and it wasn't because of Nomtha being
here, it was because of Aphindiwe being
banned to see me. I knew Nomthandazo very
well, she was going to spill the beans when she
feels she can't handle it and my fear was David
taking Aphindiwe away from Cape Town for
good. I leaned back on the couch and closed
my eyes, the headache I had was getting worse
by second. Zizipho was here in the lounge with
me and she kept on staring my way every now
and then, Phindi was in the kitchen making
sandwiches for us. I asked her to give Zizipho
her food then Nomtha would eat ukuka Zizipho,
knowing that Nomtha would puke her intestines
out if she were to be given what was left from
Phindi's food.
I was still deep in my thoughts when Phindi
snapped me out of it by touching my head. She
was standing behind the single couch I was
seated on and started playing with my hair, I
closed my eyes once more and allowed my
body to take in what she was doing. Her smell
was feeling my nostrils and it made me miss
her even more, even though she was a step
away from me. She let go off my head and
stepped around the couch, she sat on the
armrest and looked at me with those small eyes
Aphindiwe: "We have a lot we need to talk
about."
Me: "Does it have to be namhlanje (today)?"
Aphindiwe: "No. I'm mentally exhausted too, so
not today."
She placed a kiss on the side of my head,
removing herself from the armrest, I spanked
her ass as she began walking away from the
couch, I watched how she was rubbing that part,
giggling on her way to the kitchen. I felt I was
lucky to have her in my life, I don't know how we
got here in such a short period of time but if I
were asked to go back I'd refuse because
maybe that would mean I would have undo the
moment she laid her eyes at me, the moment I
thought of talking to her and realizing she had a
thing for me, not knowing that three months
later I'll be this in love with her. She stepped out
of the kitchen carrying the wooden tray which
carried two glasses of her favourite juice and a
plate of sandwiches...
Me: "Mango and orange?"
Aphindiwe: "Ewe. It would be a waste opening
zoy'two ngexesha elinye (both of them at the
same time)"
Me: "I have a valid reason why I bought zoy'two
(both of them) so I can drink my own when I
feel like it."
She looked at me after placing the tray on the
table, she narrowed her eyes at me causing me
to smile
Aphindiwe: "It won't kill you."
Me: "But I definitely won't enjoy it."
She turned on her heel and walked in long
strides to the kitchen, I couldn't help chuckling
when she returned with a glass of grape juice,
she placed it on the tray as well then found a
place next to Zizipho
Aphindiwe: "Zee, you'll somer take this glass
evha?"
Zizipho nodded, her concentration on her phone.
I extended my hand and took the half of two
slices which had a chicken mayo and bacon
paste
Me: "Did you even hear uba uthini uAphindiwe?
(Did you even hear what Aphindiwe said?)"
She kept quiet and continued typing on her
phone, I wasn:t about to repeat myself but when
Phindi poked her she finally averted her
attention from the cellphone...
"Uyathetha uMihle."
Zizipho: "Yes King"
Me: "(chuckles) bayingabingathi sihleli
nesimumu apha (let it not seem like we're
sitting with someone who can't talk)"
Zizipho: "Have I been that quiet?"
Aphindiwe: "Yup. Worst company ever"
Zizipho: "(giggles) I couldn't have been that bad.
Was just talking to my girl"
Me: "Reason you just called me King?"
Zizipho: "(giggles) it's our thing kaloku. Xa
sincokola ngawe (when we talk about you),
wele and Bhuti are placed aside."
Me: "Maybe if you guys would find yourselves
relationships, ingaphela lento ka King (this King
thing would come to an end)"
Zizipho: "Mxm"
Aphindiwe was staring between us, enjoying the
piece of sandwich she had in her hand
"Who's the friend?"
Zizipho: "Yamkelani"
She nodded, taking her glass, I looked at her
and saw how she was uncertain with the
response, the look on her face showed that she
wanted to ask more but she was refraining
from it. We were half way through with eating
when Nomtha came through, dragging her
sleepers on the tiled floor. For some time I had
forgotten she was here, the positive vibe these
two girls brought was incredible. She dragged
her feet and found a seat on the empty couch, if
this matter wasn't serious it would have been
funny how our moods suddenly changed when
she stepped in, we all went tense instantly.
Me: "There's your food in the kitchen."
Nomthandazo: "Andilambanga (I'm not hungry)"
Me: "You need to eat."
Nomthandazo: "I said I'm not hungry."
I parted my lips to talk again but stopped when I
figured I shouldn't, she was going to make a
scene out of it any time, accusing me for
forcing her to ear. We sat there in silence for a
while until Zizipho cleaered her throat and
asked
"So uhm Nomtha (pause) ndazo, what brings
you here?"
Nomtha gave the bitchest look before looking
at me, I understand why she gave Zee that look,
they never got along but tolerated each other
because of me now for Zee to ask such
question, it sent sirens that yayigeza kwalo
question (that question was nasty.) I got up on
my seat earning a look from Aphindiwe...
"Uyaphi?" is what she mouthed, smiling at her I
showed her using my head, she blushed
obviously.
Me: "Awufuni uzondincedisa? (Don't you want
to come help me?)"
Aphindiwe: "Help you do what?"
Me: "You'll see xa siphaya (when we're there)"
She looked at me, I tried pulling her up but
pulled back, laughing
Aphindiwe: "I'm still eating! Uyayithanda lento,
you did it nakula... (you love this, you did it even
at that...)"
She stopped herself from talking, looking
around to see if anybody caught that. Yes of
course, my curious sister did
Zizipho: "Naphi? (Where?)"
Me: "Hayi. Hayi Zee (No. No zee)"
All this time I could feel Nomtha's eyes on me,
she was most definitely thinking we were doing
this for her and we weren't, I was going to treat
my lady the way I used to even before she came,
that wasn't going to stop just because she was
here. Phindi finally obliged and got up, she
followed behind me and we went to my
bedroom. In there we took everything clean
which would be needed for the bed and went to
the last spare room left unoccupied, we fixed
the bed for Nomtha and I left the light off since I
knew she wasn't a fan of heat. Phindi returned
to the lounge to finish off her food and clean up
with Zee, I was still fixing the bed when my
bedroom door opened and I knew it had to be
Nomtha since from afar I heard Zee and Phindi
laughing. She stood there and watched me for
some time before walking in, slowly...
Nomthandazo: "Remember how you used to fix
the bed like that for us?"
Me: "Aren't you supposed to be getting ready
for bed?"
Nomthandazo: "Why are you ignoring the
question I asked"
Me: "(sighs) I remember it Nomthandazo,
ndiyikhumbula clearly kodwa it could never go
back there."
Nomthandazo: "What is it that she's giving
you?"
Me: "Respect."
She raised her eyebrows and parted her lips but
stopped herself from talking. She knew I was
right there which is why she had nothing to say.
In lieu of talking she stood there and gazed
around the room, she kept on glancing my way
whilst humming some song. I sat on the bed
and looked at her, I won't lie the feelings were
still there, they weren't going to end over night
but they weren't enough for her to win me over.
As I was looking at her I kept on questioning the
care I had for her, why it never left and why I felt
like I owed it to her and a part of me was telling
me even without this pregnancy, it would've still
been the same...
Me: "When last did you go for check-up?"
Nomthandazo: The time your friend came to
check up on me."
Me: "What? Why haven't you gone?"
Nomthandazo: "I was (long pause) I wasn't sure
about the pregnancy. If I still wanted to have
this baby."
Me: "You wanted to abort my child?"
Nomthandazo: "Our child"
Me: "Awunophendula lento ndiyibuzayo? (Won't
you respond to what I'm'm asking?)"
She walked towards where I was seated and sat
next to me.
Nomthandazo: "You told me to."
I cringed my jaws before burying my head in my
hands. She brushed the back of my neck and it
was funny how I wasn't reacting to her touch at
all. I was still in that position, with her hand
there when Phindi walked, shouting at
something to Zee but she didn't finish it,
assuming she took in the picture in front of her.
If I reacted or jumped, it was going to seem like
we were up to something so I kept my cool and
looked at her, she stood there, holding the door
handle looking straight at me.
Me: "Goodnight Nomthandazo"
Nomtha looked at me for a long time before
getting up and walking towards the door. The
attitude she was giving Aphindiwe was evident
nakubani and my lady kept her cool, instead of
being bitchy, she stepped aside allowing her
way. She then closed the door and tilted her
head at me
"That was nothing."
Aphindiwe: "Then why you explaining yourself?"
I raised a brow and looked at her. What was she
expecting me to do, to let her assume
something had happened?
Aphindiwe: "It makes you seem guilty."
She moved away from the door and went to the
wardrobe where I had placed her bags. She
pulled out her pyjamas and undressed the only
clothing item she had on despite her
undergarments
Me: "Asizolwa ngexa kaNomthandazo
Aphindiwe (we won't fight because of
Nomthandazo, Aphindiwe)"
Aphindiwe: "I wasn't fighting. I just telling you if
it was nothing then you didn't have to explain
yourself."
Me: "(sighs) you'll have to get used to her being
around. It was your idea I bring her over."
Aphindiwe: "Yeah shoot me for that"
I got up from where I was seated and took a
few steps towards her, she closed her eyes
when I touched her shoulders, I understood how
she was feeling now, hating that I was touching
her but loving the feeling too. She opened her
eyes and looked up at me...
"Can we do this together?"
Aphindiwe: "Do what?"
Me: "Tolerate her for us"
She looked away giving me no other choice but
to cup her face and turn her head so she faces
me. I placed a kiss on her forehead and looked
at her straight in the eyes
Me: "I'm doing this only for my son. I wouldn't
trade you for shit"
Aphindiwe: "I'll try believing that."
She said that smiling before she pouted. I took
in the face in front of me, I loved it even when
she was mad
Me: "Let's put the negative aside and do us"
"Mmmh and do us."
What she was doing now was beyond smiling,
she was definitely blushing. She turned and
faced me with her back, I brought her close and
whispered in her ear
Me: "And sizoqala ngoku (and we'll start now)"
I picked her up from the back, she was
screaming, kicking and laughing. I placed her on
the bed, laying her on her tummy. Her laugh was
contagious because I was smiling like crazy, I
positioned myself between her legs and laid a
little to the side just so I could see her face and
be able to reach her lips. She was still pleading
between laughs that I must let her go but
instead of that I traced her pussy through her
black lace panties before pushing it to the side
and finding her pussy whole. I traced it with my
thumb before pushing it deep in, she moaned
lowly, biting her bottom...
Me: "You said you missed me right?"
She nodded with her eyes closed
"Then let me remind you what you really."

I found her lips meanwhile my thumb made it's

way deeper into her. I meant no disrespect to
anybody but I wasn't about to change how I
treated my lady, especially now that my gut told
me I wasn't going to have her for long because
the Dabulas would storm in here, anytime from
now to fetch their daughter.

132nd Entry

Nomthandazo

Before I slept I took three sleeping pills just so I

could have a peaceful night, my gut was telling
me something might happen so it was better if I
slept than listening to these two play with each
other. Obviously the reason for drinking pills
and being alone in this room had me sleeping
with a heavy lump on my throat.
Now it was morning and I was toss and turning
on this bed, unable to sleep on my tummy, I was
trying to clear my head because I believe I heard
noises yesterday but what made it seem like a
dream was how I don't recall waking up or
maybe I was hearing what I wanted to hear
because I knew Mihle wouldn't be as dumb as
to have sex under the same roof as me, he
knew me better than that. He knew I was
capable of calling utamnci and if I had to, I
promise I would. I extended my arm and took
my from the headboard side stand and checked
the time, it wax approaching nine, I believe the
drowsiness of those pills was still working on
my body because I felt I still needed some more
sleep. I had just turned and faced the other side
when my bedroom door opened, the person at
the door didn't dare to speak so obviously from
curiosity I turned over and saw Mihle leaning on
the door frame, his arms over his chest and he
was still in his Markham's boxers...
Me: "Good morning"
He moved away from the door frame and
walked inside, he went straight to the window,
opened both the window and curtain. It was sad
how I didn't recognize his morning smell
anymore because it was now a mixture of his
and that witch
Mihle: "Hi."
Me: "Unjani? (How are you?)"
Mihle: "I'm okay wena? Uleli kakuhle? (Slept
well?)"
Me: "No, I needed you on my bed side."
I saw how he looked at me from my face to my
exposed legs then back to my face, my legs
were his favourite part of my body...
Mihle: "We going to the mall. Are you coming
with or siyakushiya (we leaving you?)"
I sat up on my butt and looked at him, I stopped
myself from blushing every time he looked at
my legs
Me: "Niyokwenzani imall? (What are y'all going
to do at the mall?)"
Mihle: "Must we count you in or not?"
Me: "Can't we have a normal conversation nah?"
He looked at me and leaned on the window,
waiting for me to talk. I was taking in his body
and I figured how much I actually missed those
abs, if he had bathed already I would've walked
up to him and kiss them but I don't know what
Aphindiwe was doing on them, probably sitting
on them with that big, definitely stinky ass of
hers
Me: "Fine. Ndiyahamba (I'm going)"
Mihle: "Then get up uzolungisa (to prepare), I
have a tournament match emini"
He headed for the door and right before he
stepped out I called him, he turned and looked
at me
"Ntombi yakho ithi (your daughter says) good
morning daddy."
I was touching my belly, he looked at my hand
and smiled, I could've jumped and celebrated to
that but I didn't, it has been decades since I saw
him smile because of me
Mihle: "Unyana wam (my son) (pause) and tell
him daddy says good morning too."
I nodded, blushing in return, he was actually
wearing his real smile because that dimple of
his was out. When he had disappeared in the
passage, I laid on the bed and rubbed my
tummy, smiling. Just one step at a time
Bhelekazi omhle.

After taking a bath and wearing my long, loose

white dress and sandals, I stepped out and
retreated to the kitchen. Zizipho and Mihle were
the only people there, dressed and ready, they
were having cereal and chatting. It was weird
how their conversations flowed so much, I
know Mihle had a stereotype kind of mind, he
never believed he could have a decent
conversation with someone way younger than
him, I still wondered how he did it with
Aphindiwe, she most probably gave him
headaches most of the time they spoke.
Me: "Good morning Zee"
Zizipho: "Hi. So kengoku Wele wathi..."
She went back to her conversation with her
brother. I prepared myself a bowl of cereal, all
this time Mihle kept on glancing at me, it wasn't
ugly stares no but those stares he gave when
something is beautiful. I had to be, I was
glowing from the pregnancy kaloku and I prayed
it stayed this way until I went to labour, I would
hate if it affected me the way it did with most
ladies, making them look their worst. With my
bowl of cereal in hand, I found a seat next to
Mihle and decided to listen to what Zizipho was
saying, not that I was going to part take in the
conversation though. I was in a good mood that
morning and I believed it had to do with
Aphindiwe's absence, I knew right after I saw
her kwakuzotshintsha yonke lonto leyo ( all of
that would change.) I was half way with my
bowl when Mihle checked his wrist watch...
Mihle: "Wenzani uPhindi? (What's Phindi
doing?)"
Zizipho: "Most probably her face"
Me: "Can't she step out of the house natural for
a change?"
They both looked at me but none of them utter
a word in response to what I said. Mihle was
about to get off his chair to fetch her obviously
when she walked in dressed in tight jeans, black
NMD Adidas sneakers and a long sleeved white
tight vest which was tucked in her black denim
jeans. She was also carrying a black handbag
and looked like she hadn't combed her weave
but it wasn't bad anyway...
Zizipho: "Can you give me half of your body?"
She giggled, passing her stare from Zizipho to
Mihle, he had his chin on his palm and was
looking at her. She looked at me then at the
space between Mihle and myself, I had turned
on my chair to look at her so my knees were
now touching Mihle's thighs
Mihle: "Awuzotya? (Won't you eat?)"
Aphindiwe: "I'll just grab a yoghurt"
Mihle turned completely on his chair and faced
her, he extended his hands and she placed her
own in his, he pulled her in between his lap,
faced the choker she was wearing before
moving a strand of hair from her face. He
whispered something to her, I didn:t know what
it was since his back was facing me but she
giggled before mouthing a 'thank you." Like I
had said, my mood was off now
Me: "Akunohanjwa? (Can't we go?)"
Zizipho jumped off from her chair, grabbing our
bowls and stepped towards the sink, the two
annoying love forcers in front of me were still
attached to each other before Aphindiwe
stepped away from Mihle and went to the fridge,
I poked uFhaku making him swing his chair
around so sort of faced me
Me: "Are we only going to the mall?"
Mihle: "As far as I know ewe, kukhona apho
ufuna uya khona (is there somewhere you want
to go?)"
Me: "No"
Zizipho and Aphindiwe were looking at us and I
didn't understand why this girl was as chilled,
wayethembele ngantoni (what was she trusting
on?) Firstly, she claimed to have told Mihle to
bring me here and now she seemed collected
when I was talking to him yet she claimed
wayemthanda (she loved him) that was
nonsense, there's no such a person who'd act
this calm yet they believe to be in love. Judging
from the way she dressed and the items she
owned, utamnci spoilt her so I could not say
she was after Mihl's money but she didn't love
him that I was certain with. We all walked out of
the house and headed to the car without Mihle
because he was looking up the doors, I took
note how she looked at me when I went for
passengers seat and not at the backseats, she
pulled a pouting face meanwhile Zee was
clearing her throat non stop.
Mihle: "Uzokhwela emva? (Will you climb at the
back?)"
Aphindiwe: "Ewe (yes)"
Mihle: "Nomthan..."
Aphindiwe: "No it's fine. I don:t mind uhlala
noZee (I don't mind sitting with Zee)"
He took her hand and kissed it, she blushed
obviously pulling it away from her then he did
something which multiplied my jealousy a
thousand times, he looked at her ass she was
opening the door then spanked it, with a
magical smirk on his face. The bitch giggled,
pulling faces at him. I stepped into the car and
closed the door the same time as he did but
way harder than him, he looked at me before
starting the engine...
Mihle: "Girls akuxatyanwa mos emall (girls we
don't fight at the mall), we buy what we buying
then we leave. Ndine match ngo 2, umntu
uyazazi uba uzonxiba ntoni on Friday and
Saturday (I got a match at 2, each person
knows what they'll wear on Friday and
Saturday)."
Zizipho: "I haven't decided njena"
Mihle: "That's your problem. Ngo half one, I'm
leaving the mall, with or without y'all."
Me: "What's happening Friday and Saturday?"
Mihle: "Grand show"
Me: "Oh that's nice. Kubakuhle ke kweza shows
(it gets beautiful on those shows)"
Mihle: "It does and the excitement this year is
that it's combined with the air craft."
Me: "Nyani? How much is entrance?"
Mihle: "Phindi, yimalini iticket futhi? (How much
is the ticket again?)"
Aphindiwe: "R150 pre-sold then R200 at the
gate"
I didn't understand why he asked her, he should
have known because he worked for the Navy
but I abstained myself from asking
Me: "I'd like to go."
He looked at me before looking at the road
"Then go."
That wasn't the answer I was expecting, I
thought our conversation was making some
progress until now. I knew what kind of attitude
he showed when he was irritated and right now
I felt he was at that point of exasperation. We
were at the robot when he jumped from his seat,
laughing, he then grabbed a hand from the
other side of the door, he was laughing while
doing this...
Mihle: "Phindi no baby, ndiyaqhuba (I'm driving)"
He addressed her in between laughs. She
balanced with his seat and leaned forward to
talk to him, I heard her whisper
"I miss you" I found myself rolling my eyes when
he chuckled at that then placed a kiss on her
cheek
Me: "Aphindiwe awunomyeka uMihle until sifike
emall? Akazohamba you know, so leave your
childish games for then not apha emotweni
(Aphindiwe won't you leave Mihle alone until we
arrive at the mall. He's going nowhere you know,
so leave your childish games for then not here
in the car.)"
Aphindiwe: "Maybe if you weren't sitting in the
front, claiming a territory that isn't yours,
ngendingam'disturb(i) (I wouldn't have been
disturbing him.)"
What the fuck?! Was it to me she was talking
me?
Me: "Jonga you little man stealing whore,
ungakhe ulinge uthethe nam kanjalo (don't you
dare talk to me in that manner) after opening
your legs for my man and taking him with
whatever herb you're using. Don't you dare!"
She was about to open her mouth and talk
when Mihle looked at her through the rare
mirror
Mihle: "Babe?"
She was looking at me, fuming. I was for her to
spit yet other shitty words, wayengayazi uba
isimilo sam sasiphela xa ndithanda (she didn't
know how disrespect I could become when I
liked)
Mihle: 'Phindi?"
Finally she averted her gaze from me and
looked at her boyfriend through the mirror, he
shook his head and mouthed
"Yiyeke (leave it)" to her. She sat back on the
seat, angrily, folded her arms over her chest and
looked outside the window. I turned on my seat
and faced the front, Mihle gaze me a eyes
narrowed look which I couldn't read, I didn't care,
I wasn't about to have lomntana sit on my head.
We arrived at the mall in silence after that
sentence exchange quarrel, the only thing that
was making sound in the car was the music and
Zizipho's humming. After finding space at the
parking lot of Blue Route mall, we stepped out
off the car and walked towards the elevator, I
was walking in front with Zizipho while Mihle
was begging his baby to cool down at the back
of us. When they stepped into the elevator they
were holding hands, what destroyed me or
made me hate her even more was how good
they looked together. When we walked into the
second floor of the mall, Mihle addressed
them...
"Girls y'all have exactly two hours, fifteen
minutes."
Zizipho: "That's a lot."
Mihle: "Ndiyakwazi ke wena, ogqiba uphume
apha uphethe fokol (I know you, then you walk
out of here carrying nothing.)"
Zizipho: "Phindi please tell your man to get it
together. We got this'
Aphindiwe: "(giggles) baby, we got this."
Me: "Bare in mind guys, I'm not supposed to
walk a lot."
Zizipho: "You'll go chill at the food court
because uWele we'll need him with us, he's
paying."
They all seemed to be waiting for me to say
something and I was but my phone rang,
disturbing me. I pulled it out of my hand and
answered, it was my older sister...
"Vhuvhu?"
Me: "Hey... Ewe kaloku... Hayi ndise mall wethu,
ndihamba nobaby daddy and his sister... Hayi,
awuphambene... Nikhunjulwa ndim... Yeah
wena noAzo, I'm pretty sure Mihle wouldn't
mind... (Laughs) awulogeza. Alright ke, bye.
(Hey... Yes.. I'm at the mall man, I'm with baby
daddy and his sister... No, you're crazy... You're
missed by me... Yeah, you and Azo, I'm pretty
sure Mihle wouldn't mind... (Laughs) you're
such a psycho. Alright then, bye.)"
I had been following behind the three
meanwhile I was on the phone call, while talking
to Vhuvhu I couldn't remove my eyes from
Mihle's hand which was holding Aphindiwe's, it
sort of affected me because he was the one
who searched for her hand and took it in his. I
ended the call and called him, he stopped,
stopping Aphindiwe as well and looked at me
Me: "Kuyiwaphi? (Where we going?)"
Mihle: "Factorie"
We continued to Factorie with me in between
Zizipho and Mihle. At the shop the two girls got
busy with each and every item they saw
suitable for themselves while I was checking for
dresses, Mihle was standing at the teller talking
to the lady there. I walked up to them, holding
two dresses
"Baby which one looks best? I figured I'd get
myself something."
He looked up from his cell phone before looking
at the two dresses, he pointed the black one.
The lady was looking at me as if I had just said
something alienish or like I had shit on my face.
I went over to the shoe area and looked for a
pair of sandals, the best sandals came in brown
so I took a pair of brown ones before retreating
to where Mihle was standing, he was chatting
to this girl while typing away on his cell phone.
After a while, Aphindiwe came out of the fitting
room, she was carrying a shopping basket full
of clothes, Mihle wouldn't dare pay for all those.
She walked towards us and stopped in front of
Mihle...
Me: "Those are too much clothes. uMihle can't
be paying for all these when he's got a baby on
the way"
Mihle: "Nomthandazo."
The tone he used when he called my name was
a warning tone but it didn't threaten me,
someone had to tell her.
Aphindiwe: "Don't worry. I'm paying for my
stuff."
Mihle looked at her with his eyebrows raised,
she was now unpacking the basket, when she
pulled out white short lace shorts Mihle asked
Mihle: "What are those?"
Aphindiwe: "Shorts"
Mihle: "Put them aside nana"
Aphindiwe: "What?"
He looked at her with the straight look ever, I
giggled because it was so funny how she didn't
know what he liked. By now I would've assumed
she knew Mihle hated it when his girl showed
too much skin
Aphindiwe: "Please Fhaku ndiyakucela (I beg
you)"
She stepped closer to him, holding his T-shirt
and looking up at him, she way shorter than I
was to him. He placed a kiss on her forehead
but still shook his head, he was about to say
something when Zizipho placed her basket in
front of him, she also had the shorts...
Mihle: "Nawe unaba short(i)? (You also have
these shorts?)"
Zizipho: "Yep, ikhona inxaki? (Yep, is there a
problem?)"
Mihle: "Sorry for uyichamela but if it was a
planned then y'all will have to find something
else. I'm not having my girl wear that."
Aphindiwe: "Babe they aren't even that short"
Mihle: "Unless ufuna sixabane ke? (Unless you
want us to fight?)"
Zizipho: "Haibo King"
Aphindiwe: "Fine."
She placed them aside and folded her arms
"Now my whole wardrobe is ruined because of
you."
Mihle: "Is this the only outfit you have in mind?"
Aphindiwe: "For Friday ewe (yes)"
Mihle: "Then you'll have to find something else
my baby"
Aphindiwe: "Mihle please."
She stood on her tippy toes and brought his
head closer, he stopped typing instantly and
encircled his arm around her waist and picked
her up. She whispered something to him which
made him laugh, he placed her down and shook
his head smiling, she gave him the puppy face
and all he did was hold he chin, tilt her head and
kissed her on the lips but he still refused.
Cashier: "So uyathathwa lo short(i) or not? (So
are the shorts being bought or not?)"
Mihle: "No."
Aphindiwe looked at him and he stared back at
her while Zee was emptying basket
Cashier: "R1274.90"
He turned and looked at the cashier
Mihle: "Zee thatha nale basket (Zee take the
other basket)"
Aphindiwe: "I'll pay for mine"
Mihle: "Don't do that."
She furrowed her eyebrows at Mihle. She
needed to learn when a man offers you let him,
you don't try and be a power woman apha. He
paid for my items too and we stepped out with
three plastics after he paid for the three of us.
As we were walking down the hallways of the
mall, heading to the food court talking about
which restaurant we wanted to feast in
Aphindiwe stopped, receiving everybody's
attention except for me...
Aphindiwe: "I need to go to Total Sport"
Mihle: "Uyofuna ntoni phaya? (What do you
want there?)"
Aphindiwe: "Nike Air force"
He looked between Zee and Aphindiwe before
saying
"Zee uyamkhapha mos? (Zee you're escorting
her right?)"
Zizipho: "Like I have a choice."
She said that spanking Aphindiwe's ass,
obviously usisi watswina (obviously she
screamed.)
Zizipho: "Uyasokolisa man"
Mihle pulled out his wallet from his back pocket,
opened it and gave her his FNB account, he
looked at his between narrowed eyes and
chuckled
Mihle: "Andifuni uyazi ke wena ipin yam, in fact
anything ene pin, ayifunekanga yaziwe nguwe (I
don't you to know my pin hey, in fact anything
with a pin, doesn't have to be known by you)"
Zizipho: "(laughs) what? Ngoba (why?)"
Mihle: "Usile kaloku Nobhantsu (You're stout
Nobhantsu) I could have you going shopping
with my card."
She laughed, hitting him on the shoulder, I
believe it was because of the name. He was
laughing too. He handed Aphindiwe then said
"My date of birth babe."
She nodded before giving him the big plastic
she was carrying and taking out her wallet from
her handbag to place his card in it.
We continued to walk to the food court, in
silence. I don't know what he was thinking but
in my I was thinking for long was I going to
pretend to be okay with, how long would it just
take for me until I made the phone call. I would
be lying if I said I wouldn't tell my parents at all,
I was planning on doing so because from the
way things look this little bitch wasn't planning
on stepping down so the only to get her away
from my man was to involve family, she was
begging me to take it that far.
When we arrived at the food we chose to eat at
Spur because Mihle was craving anything
meaty and the restaurant which provided more
meat here was Spur. At spur we sat opposite
each other and when I tried to make a
conversation he told me he had a quick call he
wanted to make, it was to Aphindiwe, to report
to her that we're at Spur and ask if she got her
size from the sneaker she wanted. He hung up
and placed his phone on the table then sighed,
leaning backward on the long couches, he
closed his eyes before running a hand down his
face...
Me: "I want to build on us."
He opened his eyes and furrowed his eyebrows
while staring at me
Me: "Please. I want us back"
He tilted his head and touched his chin where
his facial hair was. He didn't utter a word but
looked at me for a very long time, I thought he
wasn't going to say shit but when he came
forward and placed his forearms on the table, I
cleared my ears to hear what he had to say...
"I'd appreciate if you'd tell me when you
planning on dropping this act so I can grasp
tighter."
Me: "It doesn't have to get to that. If she'd leave
then we wouldn't have to involve the family
Mihle. Fhaku?"
Mihle: "She's going nowhere."

The confidence and threat in his tone was

enough to intimidate me in many ways. I sat
back looked at him, it was only now I regretted
every moment I spent disrespecting him, when I
didn't show how much I appreciated him, when I
thought it was wise to go drinking with friends
whenever he made me furious and maybe this
was the punishment I was receiving for all
those stupid things I was doing intentionally to
make him feel guilty about the loss of our baby.
133rd Entry

Aphindiwe

On our way to Total Sport, Zizipho questioned

me about my commitment to her brother. She
was taken aback with how much I was willing to
handle until I walk out, I felt I was only left with
this challenge and if I made through with him
on this then I was staying with him, then I'd
consider building with him but if I didnt make it
here, if this seven months wrecked and finally
parted us I wasn't returning. It surprised me, in
fact surprised is an understatement, I was
shocked she didn't know about Nomthandazo's
pregnancy, all this time she thought Nomtha
was forcing herself on Mihle or fighting to get
her man back...
"And how are you still in there?!"
She asked, throwing her hands in the air. We
were walking to Woolworths now so I'd go
check on the shorts babe refused I buy, I was
hiding these in my purse if I got them.
Me: "He wouldn't let me."
Zizipho: "Did you want to leave?"
Me: "Yes. No. I don't know, inxaki I've never
been this interested in someone before and you
know how the human heart works, the more of
a bad boy he seems, the more it falls."
Zizipho: "And he has a temper. Uyakuxelela?
(Does he tell you?)"
Me: "He does, indirectly. He'd say things like
andifuni undibone xa ndinomsindo so please
Phindi (I don't you want to see me when I'm
angry so please Phindi.)"
Zizipho: "Well it isn:t my place to tell but I don't
know if he has told you, wabajwa (he got
arrested) for getting some girl in hospital.'
I stopped on my steps and looked at her, for a
moment my body just became cold from shock,
she turned and looked at me
Zizipho: "Jesus girl, you look like you just saw a
ghost! Wait for me to finish the story, then you'll
understand."
Me: "Wayembetha qha? (Was he only hitting
her?)"
Zizipho: "Could you hear the whole story?"
I nodded while she was pulling me to continue
walking, she carried on
"They had a thing going on then she fell
pregnant, wasikhupha isusi (she aborted the
child), without letting him know then he heard
ngabantu (from people), asked her then
wathetha inyani (she confessed). Uyabona (you
see) ke if you want to destroy my brother, take
away or hurt anybody he shares a blood with,
then uzombona (you'll see him)."
Me: "So he lost two children already"
Zizipho: "He would've been a father to two yes"
Me: "That's sad."
Zizipho: "It is. Inxaki nayw uyabathandi
oodrunkie (his problem is he loves drunkards)"
I shrugged my shoulders and continued walking.
The sympathy I suddenly gained for him, no
wonder when Nomthandazo came into the
picture he never forgets talking about the child
she's carrying, it was he wanted. I knew I
couldn't give him a child, not now and I wasn't
sure if ever and that was because I didn't know
if I wanted children. I didn't know if I wanted to
be a mother, I feared all consequences which
came with parenting but one stood out from the
rest and that was losing a child, the thought of
burying a child. We entered Woolworths and
looked for the shorts which we didn't find at
The Fix. After searching, the only colours were
maroon, black and navy, I wanted white ones
but decided to go for the navy because I had
black shorts already. The little plastic they gave
me at Woolworths I shoved in my handbag and
we walked towards the food court in small
chats. I was getting to know this girl and she
wasn't a bad person but I picked up from the
conversation that she wanted what was best
for her brother and if she were to lose him it
would be the end of her, she felt like he was the
only father she had left. At least she had that
opportunity of having more than one, right now
David was all I had left and I was praying to God
that he kept him until I was able to stand on my
own. We walked int Spur with myself chatting
on WhatsApp with Mihle, asking him uba uhleli
phi (asking him about where he's sitting.) We
found him, alone at that table, he looked like his
mood has changed from what it was ten
minutes ago when we were with him. When he
moved to the edge of the couch to let me go
through, I stood between his legs and cupped
his face, tilted his head so he would look at me
and kissed his forehead before placing a baby
kiss on his lips...
Me: "Kutheni uhlele yedwa? (Why are you sitting
alone?)"
Mihle: "Nomtha's gone to the bathroom."
I moved through and sat next to him, he was
looking at me while chowing on his bottom lip. I
covered his eyes because whenever he looked
at me that way, he made me shy and I ended up
blushing. He removed my hands from his eyes
and looked at me, smiling this time
Me: "What is it?"
Mihle: "Ndiyakuboka (I'm looking at me)"
Zizipho: "You guys don't look cute kumntu
yonke yazi (you guys don't look cute to
everybody you know)"
Mihle: "(chuckles) and we not doing it for
people"
Me: "Niks"
Zizipho: "Mxm, anadika (y'all are boring). Have
y'all ordered already?"
Mihle: "No I told the waitress to actually wait
because besilinde nina (we were waiting for you
guys.)"
He lifted his hand to call for a waitress, the lady
I assumed was the one who asked them for
orders before we arrived came
Waitress: "We ready now?"
Mihle: "I believe so."
I opened my menu and checked what it was I
wanted to eat. Ever since I went out with this
man I had a tendency of eating a lot, he forced
most of the time into ordering big plates, plates
which contained a lot of meat and which is why
I was picking up weight. He placed his order, a
combo of TBone steak and wings, Zizipho also
ordered something with wings, I ordered their
400g pork ribs with buffalo wings too. We were
placing orders for our drinks when
Nomthandazo returned from the toilet, she sat
opposite Mihle since I was opposite Zizipho,
she then passed me a naar look before looking
at the waitress, I saw the look because I was
looking at her...
"Can I have your Calamari and Hake and a bowl
of your Greek salad."
Waitress: "Your cold drink"
Nomthandazo: "Sparkling water"
I refrained from rolling my eyes, Zizipho saw the
bored looked I had on my face because when I
turned my gaze to her she was smiling widely
and yes I couldn't help myself so I finally rolled
my eyes.
Waitress: "Must I bring your cold drinks now or
together with the meals?"
Mihle: "With the meals"
Me: "Sorry sisi, could you please bring me a
glass of water for now?"
Waitress: "With ice cubes right?"
I nodded, smiling at her, she nodded too before
walking away. I was about to open my
WhatsApp when Mihle said
Mihle: "Let me see le takkie."
I passed him the plastic, he took out the box
and opened it then looked at it, it was a white
size four, he turned it in all directions before
placing it back in the box. He was smiling when
he handed it to me, I wanted to ask why was he
smiling but I knew we'd have an extra pair of
ears which would be listening to his reason or
he would stop himself from saying it because
he didn't want these ears to hear so I didn't ask
him. Zizipho and I spent time taking selfies with
her selfiestick while we were waiting for our
food, Nomthandazo was on her phone while
Mihle was concentrating on a rugby match
which was playing on the flat screen TV. It was
round about twenty minutes of waiting when
our foods arrived, we feasted in chats but
unfortunately it was only Zee and myself who
seemed to have a lot to say, Nomthandazo
didn't utter a word while Mihle kept on
commenting here and there.

We returned home at ten minutes to one, Mihle

had an entire hour before his soccer game. He
spent thirty minutes with us at the lounge,
watching television and complaining about
forcing him to watch the bachelor whereas he
should be watching what pleases him since
he's the one who pays for this DSTV. At twenty-
five passed one he left and went to his
bedroom, Nomthandazo was in the bedroom
she was using, we didn't know whether she was
asleep or not. He returned with a Nike medium
sized sport bag, he stood over the couch I was
seated on and touched my neck, rubbing a
certain spot with his thumb...
"Pass me the keys baby."
I leaned forward and reached for his keys, I
didn't hand them to him but stood up and
pushed my feet into my sleepers, he was
looking at the TV attentively before I stood next
to him...
Me: "So uzobuya nini? (So when are you
returning?)"
Mihle: "Andazi (I don't know). The team often
organizes a braai or chillas session after each
game and ndiqhele uzihamba now andazi since
ulapha ( I often attend them now I don't know
since you're here)"
I walked him to the kitchen, from the freezer he
pulled out a bottle of iced water and a play from
yhr refrigerator. I still had his car keys and
cellphone in my hand when we walked out of
the kitchen towards the door.
Me: "So are you going to the braai?"
He pushed open the burglar before he turned
his slightly to look at me
Mihle: "No. I can't right"
Me: "You can."
Honestly I didn't want him to but like any other
girl I was taking my chances to see if he was
going to go or not
Mihle: "No, andizoya (I won't go)"
I nodded slowly, I refrained from smiling, I didn't
want it to seem like I was coming between him
and his boys.
Me: "So at what time do you think you'll be
back?"
Mihle: "I have two games babe, so andazi if
they'll be consecutive."
Me: "So ungafika nalate?"
He closed the trunk of his car and turned to
look at me, I was a footstep away from him so
he brought his hands to my waist and pulled me
in. I looked at him, instead of talking he just
leaned in for a kiss, a long kiss which got me
heated because by the time he pulled back I
was the one who was now leaning against the
car and he was pressing his body into mine. He
checked his watch immediately after pulling
back, I stood up right and walked him to the
driver's door, when he was inside I leaned on
the window and pleaded he returns early, which
he responded
"It's all up to the game arrangement."
Me: "Okay ke. Play safe"
Mihle: "Kiss?"
I gave him a baby kiss before pulling him and let
him drive off. I walked back inside the house
and found Zee on a phone call, she was
laughing out loud and literally shouting. Before
finding my place to sit I found the remote first,
turned down the volume because honestly they
could only be one which is making such noise, I
couldn't handle both her and the TV. She ended
her call after a long ten minutes or more, she
was still smiling sheepishly even when she had
hung up, that's how good the conversation was,
I didn't give ear to it so I didn't know what was
making her smile this way.
Zizipho: "What are we preparing for ebsuku
(tonight)?"
Me: "Are we already talking about tonight's meal?
Sizophinda sitye? (Are we going to eat again?)"
She gave me the most shocked look ever
before she shook her head
Me: "I'm asking because I'm still full so for
tonight I thought we could just grab something
light"
Zizipho: "I'll want to eat, Mihle will definitely
want to eat and I'm pretty sure nala sisi umithi
(even that pregnant woman), she'll want to eat."
I shrugged my shoulders still looking at when I
heard sleeper being dragged across the floor, I
believe I absentmindedly pulled a face when
Zizipho laughed her ass off, slapping her lap. I
faced the television and told myself I'd only look
at her when she addresses me...
Zizipho: "Sele ehambile uMihle? (Has Mihle
gone already?)"
Zizipho: "Yep."
I scrolled through the channels before settling
for the Total Wipeout. She sat at a couch
opposite mine, the one Mihle used all the time
and typed on her phone, with the daggers she
was throwing at me, I was waiting for her to talk
shit. She didn't open her mouth for a long while
and honestly I was hoping she wouldn't but to
my unfortunately luck, she did...
"Awunoyitshintsha lento? (Won't you change
this?)"
Me: "Won't you ask me nicely?"
She parted her lips and wouldn't stop blinking
like she was trying to process what I had just
said
Nomthandazo: "You're not about to nurse your
childish personality nge tv kaMihle. Could you
just change the damn thing?!"
Me: "For crying out loud, awunondicela kakuhle?
(Won't you ask me politely?)"
She got up from her seat and took long strides
towards where I was, she grabbed the remote
from my hand before turning on her heel,
forcibly. I chuckled from shock, then she
thought I was the childish one. I got up from my
seat and headed to my man's bedroom, I
returned with my wallet and addressed Zee
Me: "Babe, can't we go buy ice cream?
Kunomphefumlo that I can't stand in this room
(there's a soul that I can't stand in this room)"
Zizipho got up from the couch, she had a funny
expression on her face, probably feeling the
exact way I felt. <br>
Nomthandazo: "Noba ungahamba ungabuyi
(even if you'd leave and not return)"
I wasn't the type to be rude but I had it up to
here, she was taking out her pregnancy moods
on me, so I showed her the middle finger, next
thing I knew the remote made contact with my
back. I turned as quick as I could and looked at
her, she was fuming, I cocked a brow at her and
waited for her to finish what she was doing. She
was unlocking her phone, shaking from anger. I
folded my arms when she placed it on her ear,
thinking she was contacting Mihle but when she
said "Tamnci" I felt my body become cold from
fear.
I stayed put where I was and looked at her,
waiting for her to begin her sentence. My life
was was the best for almost two months. As I
stood right there I lost every piece of hope I had
and my worst fear wasn't being banned from
seeing Mihle because I knew he'd find a plan for
that, my worst fear was having my dad
permanently remove me from the Western
Cape.

Asanda

Life in Port Elizabeth was always the best and

that because I had the best brother in the word
but now that he was behind bars, I couldn't even
think well and I was scared it would affected my
studies. For now, I was staying with Lumka and
she too wasn't on her best because she was
worried about her man. I honestly didn't miand
staying all by myself in Bhuti's place but to my
mother it now appeared as a place for crime,
since he got arrested behind that fence. We still
didn't know the reason for his arrest so I failed
to understand people who were making
assumption already, I mean people spoke in EL
and right now, people who knew about this
seemed to be giving me either funny looks or
sympathetic looks, it was boring. Right now
since it was a Saturday, my mother begged me
to go to my new home and stay with usisi
because she needed the support. I wasn't
planning on going to my temporary home to be
honest, I preferred staying apha at the campus
than heading there, it was a reminder of all the
stress I was facing. I got off the taxi a street
away from Lu's house, it was where the taxis
dropped off almost everybody from the area, I
carried my huge handbag over my shoulder and
began walking. As I was walking, looking ahead,
I noticed a blue Citi Golf which was parked at
the four way stop off four streets, one being the
street I was walking on and the street which
had my new home. The anxiety which grew
inside of me as I walked closer to it was insane,
I've been at Port Elizabeth for years now to be
fearing a bunch of boys who probably would
just scare me had me worried. The only time I
was allowed to feel unsafe was during the night
because nobody felt safe at night in Port
Elizabeth but at 13:06 in the afternoon, it was
unlikely to happen. I noticed that there were
three young men in the car, the one at the back
had his hand out the window, ashing a cigarette.
I crossed the road and walked on the other side
of the street, I wasn't close to anybody in this
area, people I knew were from around my area,
where I stayed with my brother. I changed my
pace ten times before I finally reached the car
and just when I was about to walk pass it, I
heard one of the guys whistle, I crossed the
street and looked straight ahead until one
called out my name, I stopped and felt my heart
beat against my chest. How the fuck do they
know my name?
"Sasa?"
I heard the door close and I don't know why but
my knees seemed locked because with the way
I was feeling, I could've ran already...
"Asanda?!"
I turned slowly and faced the guy who was
chowing on his bubblegum ngongathi kuthwe
ibuye (as though he was asked to return it.)
Me: "Ya"
He chuckled and stepped closer
Guy: "Ekse, kanti uoulik so? (Hello, so you're this
adorable?)"
Me: "Ndiyaleqa guy (I'm in a hurry guy)"
Guy: "No andihlelanga baby but bendingekho
sure noba nguwe lona (No I'm not here to stay
babu but I wasn't even sure if this is you)"
Me: "Well ndim. Funani? (Well it's me. What do
you want?)"
Guy: "Ya sure baby, ekse mamele hier, uTa
Lubha uthe sikugade (Ya sure baby, hey listen
here, Ta Lubha said we should guide you)"
Me: "From what?"
Guy: "Vultures"
I furrowed my eyebrows and he laughed before
continuing
"Ndiyadlala man but igroot man ifuna some
files phaya kuyo edldleni and ucele uba
sizothatha apha kuwe. Ebekhe wathetha nawe?
(I'm joking man but the Groot man wants sine
file there at his place and he asked us to come
fetch them from you. Has he spoken to you?)"
Me: "No"
He took a step closer causing me to take one
back. Just because my brother trusted them
enough to send them, I wasn't about to do the
same, I wasn't my brother. These people looked
like some nyaope boys but clean ones I had to
admit. He pulled out a small mobile cell phone
and dialed some number, he then handed me
the phone...
Me: "Hello?"
Voice: "Sasa."
Me: "Bhuti"
Bhuti Olwethu: "Jonga baby ndifuna uya phaya
kwam with uLwandile. In my wardrobe, kula
ndawo kuhlala my briefcases, kukho the black
one, give them la case as it is. (Look baby I
want you to go by my place with Lwandile. In
my wardrobe, where I place my briefcases,
there's the black one, give them that one as it
is.)"
Me: "I don't trust these guys."
This Lwandile dude laughed and ubhuti
chuckled on the other side of the line
Bhuti Olwethu: "Uyayibona lontwana? (You see
that young man?)"
Me: "Ewe (yes)"
Bhuti Olwethu: "He's my employee."
Me: "Oh."
That took me by surprise, I thought his workers
looked better than this. In fact I've never been at
his workplace but I knew he had a scrab yard
which he used to fix cars and sell some car
parts.
Bhuti Olwethu: "Do that for ubhuti ke baby evha?
(Do that for your brother baby okay?)"
Me: "Alright. Bhuti?"
Bhuti Olwethu: "Yes."
He sounded like someone who was in a rush, or
someone who was on the watch out
Me: "Can I contact you?"
"No my baby. Wait until you receive a call from
me."
Me: "Okay bye."
He hung up. I raised my eyebrows at Lwandile
as I was heading him his cell phone
Lwandile: "And nou? (And now?)"
Me: "Let's go."

If making friends with these guys meant getting

my brother out of there, then I'd be the best
friend they ever had, even way closer than the
weed they seemed they ate.
135th Entry
Pearl

After the long day I had with both my girls and

Mihle I returned home to my mother and
daughter. My mother was in the kitchen, sitting
at the table with a bowl of umphokoqo on her
lap, my baby girl was sleeping on the couch,
with her two barbie dolls next to her. I went to
the kitchen and helped umama by rinsing three
bowls and mixing the sour milk with the fresh
milk. She was asking me about how things were
in Pretoria and like always, I lied because I didn't
want her worrying too much, she was going
through enough by staying with my daughter so
I did not want to add more weight on her
ngenxaki zam (with my problems.)
Right after I fed myself and my daughter, did the
dishes and bathed her I went back to the lounge
and carried on, typing the motivation letter on
my laptop. Thateho didn't know I was planning
on finding a job here or else he wouldn't have let
me leave Pretoria. He was the guy I was dating
for two years and a couple of months now, I
loved him but not like I used to because he
changed, he wasn't the man I once fell in love
with. His change off attitude started when Mihle
was here and he somehow found out I had
spent the weekend at the hotel and not with my
friend like I had told him, ever since then he was
quick at calling me names and hitting me. His
mistrust was on another level because end last
year it had him refuse to go to DRC for six
months only because he wanted to keep an eye
on me, it made him miss out on the opportunity
of getting the biggest bonus. I know he was
expecting me to return soon but I wasn't sure if
I wanted to go back, I was unhappy with him
and the only reason I stayed was because I
feared the consequences of walking out. On the
other hand there was Mihle, he was a busy man,
a fuck boy and bad boy mixed together and I
wouldn't lie and say I didn't know that, I knew it
from the moment he dumped me because he
felt I had too many self insecurities, insecurities
which were made by him. He met up with that
girl whom he almost had a baby with, a couple
of months after we broke up. That was four
years back if I recall nicely, and since then
sasibana (we saw each other, precedently). If I
were given a chance to fix things with him
maybe I would have before Nosipho came into
his life but right after that he met her, he
changed. She was toxic and radiated way too
much of her negative ghetto attitude which I
didn't have the power of fighting and for some
reason I felt like he was allowing her to walk
over me so er stopped seeing each other until
he got rid of her. Mihle was like any other guy of
this generation, he'd make you feel like a queen
today then make you feel used the next. He was
good at treating a lady, good at making her
smile, making her scream and moan, at making
her feel beautiful but he was great at dropping
you, making you wonder what you had done
wrong. The way our relationship worked out and
how it ended always had me thinking that
maybe if I took a different decision and
tolerated him, we would have been on our
seventh year now but I couldn't. He has a
problem, when he's broken, he is the worst. He
demands for the impossible, whenever he loses
his temper he'll make you feel useleee and
when he gets drunk, that's another story. It was
still to that day that I blamed the loss of his
father for parting us because the man he was
when grieving, I couldn't handle. His ego and
intimidation shone for the wrong reasons and it
ended up becoming a turn off to me for a period
of time until I saw him back on his feet, happy
with another woman.
Now I know you'll probably ask me why am I still
seeing the guy, that's because there's no other
that has loved and treated me like he did.
There's no other guy who made me smile and
blush like he did and yes like any other jealous
girl, I did wonder how many other women he
had feeling this way.
My eyes were becoming strained from looking
at the laptop so I saved the work I had done so
far and shut down my PC. I packed it in its bag
and retreated to my bedroom after turning off
the lights in the kitchen and lounge. Umntana
(my child) had deserted umakulu wakhe (her
granny) for now and asked to sleep with me, we
both understood the excitement because I had
last seen her the first week of December and
never again until now. Whilst I was busy with
the dishes I received a call from Mihle, I had
told him I'd call ngokwam but when he rang first
I concluded kwakunezinto awayezibaleka (there
were things he was running away from.) I
turned over on my bed and kissed my beautiful
girl on the forehead, thinking about being kept
away from her made my heart ache so I pushed
those thoughts aside and focused on thinking
about staying, if Thateho wanted me that bad
then he'd have to come fetch me here. I laid on
my tummy and closed my eyes, allowing the
darkness of this room to drive me to sleep.

Aphindiwe

Half of the day that Sunday we spent sleeping, it

was a hot, exhausting day from nothing but
sleeping. Mihle woke up still furious about what
I told him the night before, I failed to understand
the agitation towards all this, we were doing it
to protect our relationship because we never
knew when Nomthandazo would contact my
father again but no, he took a decision on anger
or whatever it was he was feeling yesterday and
said I was going nowhere. Before he told me
once again that tomorrow I was returning here,
he made it clear that was the last time we
touched on that subject.
On Monday morning, we had our normal
morning routine and we left early, in no rush,
leaving behind the two ladies who didn't seem
to have much to say to each other. This whole
weekend I spent with the two of them, I never
heard any of them utter a word to the other, it
was awkward because even though Nomtha
carried the hatred at heart for ke, we exchanged
words way more than she did with Zizipho.
When Mihle had dropped me off at 07:42, I went
to my dorm and took a two hour nap, I didn't
have classes until ten o'clock that day. They
were supposed to start at nine but that white
guy informed us during the morning hours he'd
be attending a work shop for the tutors so we
were only going to see him on his last session,
which was from twelve to one. Monday wasn't
like my other days, I didn't have an off session
between twelve and one so I'd have my man
come see me, the only chance I had on seeing
him was when he was out of work, that being
after five.

On Tuesday, I once again woke up in Belmar

Estate, under Fhaku's room because umntu
wam wayengafuni noyivha lento yam yohamba
(because my man didn't want to hear out this
thing of me leaving.) Yesterday on our way
home, I tried touching on, since we were both in
the best of moods but he ignored it like I had
completely said something which needed no
response, all he did instead was worry about
what we'd eat at night, wayizulisela by bringing
Zizipho into the picture and calling her to inform
her not to cook. I wasn't going to take this light
and he too knew we needed not underestimate
Nomthandazo's ability of having David here to
permanently remove me from the West, he
knew her better so I expected him to be the one
to bring solution in this matter but he seemed
to fighting fire with fuel.
We arrived home with a Nando's full and half
chicken. At the restaurant he had a problem
with the size of the full chicken and therefore he
added another half, it was the love he had for
meat so I couldn't blame him.
We were from taking a shower together, after
having eaten, I was covered in his gown and he
was wearing his Calvin Klein underwears, sitting
on that couch, when there was a knock at the
door...
"Ngena (come in)"
Nomthandazo walked in, dressed in her
pyjamas, she too was from bathing...
Nomthandazo: "Can we go for an appointment
ngomso(tomorrow)?"
Mihle: "Where?"
Nomthandazo: "That friend of yours."
I moved my legs from Mihle's lap and walked to
the bed, I stopped myself from eavesdropping
on their conversation by going on my WhatsApp
and replying on to the messages I felt I had to.
Mihle: "He's a professional, therefore udinga
umxelele uba uzoya kuye ngemini ethile
(therefore he needs you to tell him that you'll be
seeing him at this certain day)"
Nomthandazo: "Can you call him and tell him
ngomso we'll be there?"
Mihle: "Kutheni waqinelwa yintloko (why do you
have a hard head), he obviously has
appointments for ngomso already. Ndizova
ngaye uba ufree nini and for what time (I'll hear
from him when he's free and for what time)"
Nomthandazo: "I just thought about what you
said."
She said those words walking towards the
couch, I turned my head and looked at Mihle, he
was looking at her as she walked towards him, I
couldn't read the look he was giving her
"We should do check ups weekly."
Mihle: "Every second week."
She looked at him for a while, he stared back at
her and from where I was laying the view made
me feel uncomfortable so I cleared my throat,
turning to face the other side. I heard the sound
the leather couch made and thought Nomtha
must be leaving but when there were no
footsteps heard, I was forced to turn my head
again and look. Mihle was now laid back on the
couch with his eyes closed, umiss had her hand
on his knee and was looking at him, her eyes
raced from his face to his waist back to his face
in seconds. I got up from the bed and found my
sleepers, I was a step away from the door when
Mihle asked...
"Uyaphi? (Where you going?)"
Me: "Ndiyonilinda nigqibe lento niyenzayo (I'm
going to wait for y'all to finish what y'all are
doing)"
He furrowed his eyebrows at me before looking
at Nomtha
Mihle: "Goodnight Nomthandazo."
She looked at me between narrowed eyes and
finally got up and headed for the door, she left a
groan of irritation as she passed by me. I closed
the door right after she stepped out.
Mihle: "What was that?"
Me: "What?"
Mihle: "Uyosilinda sigqibe lento siyenzayo
(you're going to wait for us to finish what we're
doing)"
Me: "You seemed like benidinga ixesha lenu
lodwa (y'all needed time of your own)"
Mihle: "Don't be ridiculous babe, please."
Me: "I'm being ridiculous when you're the one
ozonekileyo (who's hanging himself) on the
couch, showing her everything. You're in your
underwear for crying out loud.'
Mihle: "Akhonto angayaziyo uNomthandazo
apha kum (there's nothing Nomthandazo
doesn't know on me)"
Me: "Wow"
I did the surrender gesture before I moved from
where I was standing and went to my bag, I
took out my pyjamas. I think he noticed with the
way I placed his gown that I had took offense
from what he just said, I never just threw
clothes around, I folded them and placed them
nicely
Mihle: "Aphindiwe"
Ndathula (I kept quiet)
"Aphindiwe."
He repeated himself a little louder and with s
much stronger tone this time
Me: "Mihle"
He shook his head continuously while looking
at me
Mihle: "Don't do this. Sizolwa oko (we will fight
all the time) if you don't come to terms of
understanding that I once dated
uNomthandazo."
Me: "Does that mean advertise yourself to her?"
He chuckled and kept a straight face, he leaned
on the hairdresser and looked at me. I
continued with changing into my sleeping attire
before I opened the sheets and tucked myself in
Mihle: "We not sleeping unomsindo ngoba(while
you are angry because) what will happen is you
waking up ngomso ekseni (tomorrow morning)
still angry and I don't want to deal nalonto
ndivuka (with that after having woke up)"
I didn't move a muscle nor respond to what he
was saying. I heard him take a few steps to the
bed, he pulled the comforter away from me and
stood over me. I almost reacted when I felt his
hand trace my ass but I remembered I was
angry so I tried pushing aside any emotions that
would allow me to soften up. He knelt on the
bed and placed a kiss on my shoulder while his
other hand was on my waist
"Baby we not sleeping uqumbile (while you're
mad)"
Me: "Ndicela ulala Mihle"
Mihle: "Can we talk this through at least?"
Me: "Talk what through? The fact that you find it
funny when I ask you why you advertising
yourself to Nomthandazo?"
Mihle: "Is that why you mad?'
Lomfana bawo (This man, Lord), I had to stop
myself from shouting and swearing at him.
What type of people were men na kanti?
Mihle: "Maybe it was a bad idea even accepting
your advice because ever since she got here,
silwa ngento ezincinci (we fight about small
things)"
Me: "My advice to you was bring her in not flirt
with her.'
He moved away from me and walked around to
hid side of the bed so he'd look at me
Mihle: "I wasn't flirting with Nomthandazo."
Me: "Then what do you call what you were doing?
Allowing her to check you out just because she
knows everything on you. Na the last time I
walked in here she was brushing your head and
you felt okay with that! Then you fucken expect
me to rejoice to that?! No Mihle"
Mihle: "Babe, you're acting like a woman ngoku."
Me: "That's because I am."
He closed his eyes and sighed. I watched how
he kept on clenching his jaws
Me: "If you had allowed me to go to res, you
guys were going to have all the privacy you
need."
He opened his eyes and looked at me, his
eyebrows kept on moving, in a twitching way
and I knew this from my father, his did that
when he was angry
Mihle: "Wenzele uba kuthini? Undilinga (So that
what happens?) To tempt me and see if I can
get horny for her?"
I looked at him, his eyes didn't dare to leave
mine
"I'm human Aphindiwe. Xakufuneke ndibatyiwe
ndizobatywa but it's up to me what decision I
make in that condition."
Me: "Mxm."
He was kneeling on all four on his side of the
bed, the anger he was suddenly feeling was
evident in his eyes. He moved back and off the
bed, I thought he was going to step out and
take some time alone but he switched off the
light instead, I turned off and faced the itget
side. He placed another kiss on my shoulder
then turned over and turned off his bedside
lamp. I slept in that position until I felt my left
side getting cramps, I turned over and faced
Mihle, he was sleeping already, on his back.

There was a woman in front of me, she was a

step away but I couldn't reach out to her. She
was surrounded by light, which made her face
too bright to look at. What bothered me was
how she kept on repeating blood, in a panicking
yet soft voice. She extended her hand and just
when I was about to touch it, it became blank
and windy instantly. I opened my eyes, I was
panting and somehow felt hot, I was still trying
to comprehend what I had just dreamt off when
I heard a belt and now I sat up. Mihle was
standing at his wardrobe, in the dark, dressing if
I wasn't mistaken
"Wenzani? (What are you doing?)"
Mihle: "Ndiyanxiba (I'm dressing)"
Me: "Uyaphi? (Where are you going?)"
He looked at me over his shoulder before he
turned, pulled a jacket from the hanger and
closed the wardrobe. He sat on the couch
where his Adidas sneakers were, he was
looking at me while tying his shoe laces. I took
my phone from under the pillow and checked
the time
Me: "It's after two. Uyaphi? (Where are you
going?)"
Mihle: "I need to take care of something."
Me: "At two?"
Mihle: "It's at the fields. I need to be at the
fields."
That feeling came back, that feeling which
reminded me I was dating a murder or a
criminal for that case. He finished tying his
shoes and walked up to me, he placed a kiss on
my forehead and held my chin to tilt my head.
He looked at me for a while then made space
next to my legs
Mihle: "I hate it when you look at me like I'm not
the same."
Me: "Sorry. Andiyiqheli (I can't get used to it)"
He licked his lips and leaned in to kiss me.
Mihle: "Sleep."
Me: "Uzobuya nini? (What time will you be
back?)"
Mihle: "It might take forever so don't stay up
waiting for me to come back."
His phone rang, he looked at it and since it was
visible to me too, I took a peep, it was Nkululeko.
He got up answering
"Be there in 15. No Mpinch, take care of it while
I'm on my way... Nkulie? Nkulie?... No
damages."
He blew me a kiss before stepping out and
closing the door, the fear I tried fighting a
month back returned, it had my gut telling me
the deeper I went the less safer I was. I grabbed
his pillow and brought it close, it smelled of him.
I don't recall for how long I hugged that pillow,
staring at the wall before I drifted off to sleep
once again.

"Aphindiwe!"
"Baby."
His voice sounded far but when I opened my
eyes, I saw through a blurred vision, his body
hovering over me. I groan, pulling the comforter
to cover myself from the light which penetrated
unpleasantly in my eyes.
Mihle: "Baby vuka (wake up), we late"
Me: "Mhuh?"
Mihle: "Let's go bath. We late."
I peeped and saw that he was still dressed in
those clothes which he wore in the early hours
of this morning, he was now removing his T-
shirt
Me: "How late"
Mihle: "It's seven."
I sat up, rubbing my eyes. I took my phone from
next to the lamp, unlocked it and checked the
time, 06:58. I almost jumped from the bed but
my body wouldn't allow me, so like any normal
human, I began by removing my feet from the
bed
Me: "Ufike nini? (When did you arrive?)"
Mihle: "Now"
He walked from where he was standing and
came to a stop in front of me. I placed a kiss on
his abs and he chuckled, I attempted standing
but stopped when he placed both his hands on
either of my sides and leaned in for a kiss,
thinking he was going to pull back after that I
kissed him back but he surprised me when he
leaned in further, causing me to fall on my back,
wakhwela phezukwam sana (he got on top of
me). I giggled when he bit my earlope and stuck
his tongue into my ear. He brought one of his
legs in between my legs and found my lips
again, my nipples were responding quicker than
I had expected them to. He pressed his right
thigh on my castle, applying the pressure on my
clit, I parted my lips to gasp but couldn't when
he crashed his lips into mine. He kissed me still
rubbing his thigh on my clit, I had my hand on
his belt, pulling him in. He had my bottom lip
between his lips, ran his tongue on it and bit it
before letting it go.
"Just twenty minutes Mambhele."

I nodded, with my eyes closed. If in that twenty

minutes I'd get to hold him, kiss him then I
would double it if I had to. In fact, I would give in
the whole day to be this close to him.
136th Entry
Mihle

I had just finished ironing my white attire, now

polishing my shoes. I called in at work and told
captain I'd be a little today, I received a mini
lecture but I knew he would be alright by the
time I arrived at work. Reasons for being
extremely was because my baby her wanted us
to take our romantic, morning session to the
shower too, then we got delayed. She was fixing
the bed, already dressed and only had her face
left to do. I was polishing my shoes but couldn't
take my eyes off her, a lot was going through
my mind and to be honest my stubbornness
didn't take away the anxiety I have whenever I
think of having her taken away from me. I was
scared to be honest, that just when I was
getting used to having her in my life she'd be
gone...
Aphindiwe: "Why are you looking at me kanjalo
(like that)?"
Me: "Ndikujongile? (Am I looking at you?)"
Aphindiwe: "Yes and the look isn't so lekker."
Me: "How much do you love me?"
She stopped fixing the pillow she had in her
hands and looked at me
Aphindiwe: "Why uzondibuza lonto? (Why would
you ask me that?)"
Me: "I want to know"
"I love you."
Me: "I know you do but kangakanani (how
much)?"
She giggled and shook her head, returning her
attention to what she was doing
Aphindiwe: "Wenze ntoni? (What did you do?)"
Me: "Ndenze ntoni? (What did I do?)"
Aphindiwe: "Yep, men often start preaching like
that xabe moshile (when they've done
something wrong) but you surprise me ngoku
because I've noticed xa wenze something and
about to address it kum (to me), you chew on
your lower lip and have this vain"
Me: "(chuckles) which vain?"
She touched her forehead, I immediately
touched mine and she laughed. I watched how
her eyes closed while she was laughing, it was
a beautiful sight, something I wasn't yet used to
Aphindiwe: "Ayikho ngoku kaloku but iyavela
though, when you're nervous or angry (it's not
there now but it becomes visible though, when
you're nervous or angry)"
Me: "I'm hardly nervous"
Aphindiwe: "What's that emotion you undergo
when you've fucked up?"
Me: "Language"
Aphindiwe: "(giggles) ixolo (sorry)"
Me: "Stress"
Aphindiwe: "Oh"
Me: "When I've messed up, I barely experience
any emotiob either than stress, most of the
time. I remember the only time I slept
esibhedlele yianxiety (at hospital because of
anxiety) was when you were in hospital. I mean
every fucken day I went to go see you,
ndandisoyika ungena (I was scared of going in)
(long pause) thinking that maybe ndizofika
ungekho (I'll arrive to you not there), your bed
empty, kusithwa (them telling me) you're no
more."
She turned from the mirror, something which
looked like a eyelid pencil was in her hand, she
looked at me
Aphindiwe: "Did you ever think that?"
Me: "All the time, when you were still
unconscious"
I chuckled and stopped buckling my belt, she
was still looking at me
"You know whenever I walked in there and saw
you lie there, it was more off a reminder kum (to
me) that I was the reason you were laying
there."
Aphindiwe: "That's ridiculous."
Me: "You know the last time I shed a tear for the
death of someone, it was for my dad. Umntana
yena (my child) (chuckles), in fact my children.
When I first impregnated a woman, my father
was still alive, the girl decided to keep distance
from me, wabaleka wayohlala emonti and
returned engamithanga (she ran away to East
London and returned not pregnant). You know I
was a laaitie then, early twentys."
Aphindiwe: "Wawunangaphi? (How old were
you?)"
Me: "Twenty one. I never bonded with the child, I
didn't know what being a father felt like but
when I found she heard brutally killed what was
reproduced by me, I twisted. Being the guy that I
was, a lot of anger but by then I heard my father
help me through it. Ndabetha uThumi (I beat
Thumi up), I won't lie, kakhulu nafuthi (a lot), for
a period of seven eight months until she
reported me for assault. Almost got me
arrested. I had my father sit me down and
forced me to end la relationship which nam I did
notnt understand uba ndandisahleleleni phaya
(which I too didn't understand why was I still
there) because she wasn't the same to me."
Aphindiwe: "Do you still have that anger in you?"
Me: "Of her aborting my child?"
Aphindiwe: "Of being angry to an extent ufuna
umbetha umntu (you want to hit someone)"
Me: "(chuckles) it happens nakubani (to
anybody) but I choose not to, when it comes to
a woman."
Aphindiwe: "Ndoyika (pause) ubethwa ngumntu
endithandana naye (I'm scared of being beaten
by someone I'm in love with.)"
Me: "I wouldn't lie a hand on you, even though I
wanted to (chuckles)"
Her mouth hanged, she stood up from the
hairdresser chair and walked up to me
"Nini? (When?)"
Me: "When we were fighting over into ka Bianca
(over the Bianca thing) and you felt it was wise
enough to call Drew."
She covered her eyes with her hands and
giggled. I kept on looking at her meanwhile
buttoning my uniform shirt, she was looking at
me through her fingers
Aphindiwe: "I even forgot about that"
Me: "I haven't. We still need to talk about it. I
still need to let you know what it did to me,
word for word, because if I don't you'll repeat it
again."
Aphindiwe: "Asoze (never)"
Me: "(chuckles) finish your face. Ndisayotya
(I'm going to eat)"
Aphindiwe: "Awukagqibi undibalisela lento
ubundibalisela yona (you're not done telling me
what you were telling me)"
Me: "On our way to Stellenbosch."
She nodded, searching her very huge make up
bag which I had once mistook for a a toiletry
bag. I walked out and headed to the kitchen, we
were the only two who were still up. I poured
myself a bowl of musli which i mixed with
yogurt and ultra Mel then went to the lounge, I
tuned on to CNN news and listened to the
headlines. I was still sitting there alone when
one of the bedroom doors opened, the person
went to the bathroom first before I heard
footsteps coming towards the lounge. I looked
over my shoulder and saw a sleepy looking
Nomthandazo...
"Good morning."
Me: "Hey"
Nomthandazo: "Besele ndicinga inoba uhambile
at this time (I thought you must have left at this
time)"
Me: "Should have qha ndilate (but I'm late)"
Nomthandazo: "And you seem relaxed"
Me: "I'm waiting for Phindi."
Nomthandazo: "Isn't she making you late?"
Me: "I've called in at work"
She stepped closer to where I was seating and
took my hand in hers, I pulled it back, surprised
by the sudden contact kuvukwa (in the morning)
Nomthandazo: "Kukhona into endifuna ukuvisa
yona (there's something I want you to feel)"
I allowed her, she pressed my hand against her
stomach and I couldn't resist the joy which filled
my heart. I absentmindedly turned on my seat,
placed my other hand on her waist and brought
her closer. The hump was growing, even her
belly button seemed swollen, the hardness of
the tummy was exciting and had me silently
pray that I don't lose this one too
Nomthandazo: "That's our baby girl."
I looked up at her and smiled
Me: "baby boy"
She placed her hand over mine, which was on
her tummy and kept it there. We were both
taken out of the moment by someone clearing
their throat. I looked at Aphindiwe, for a
moment she seemed at lost of words but she
finally managed to say
Aphindiwe: "I'm done."
She was looking at our hands which were still
on Nomtha's tummy. I stood up and removed
both the hand on her tummy and on her waist,
took my bowl and turned to the young lady who
was still standing at that same spot
Me: "Awuzotya? (Aren't you going to eat?)"
Aphindiwe: "No."
I looked at her, her eyes were racing from
Nomthandazo's belly to me in every two
seconds. I went to the kitchen, placed the bowl
in the sink and filled it with water. I opened the
refrigerator and took out a stack of grapes
before walking out to the lounge. Phindi was
now searching her handbag which she had
placed on the armrest of the couch. I went over
to the coffee table and took my badges, I was
still placing the ones which sit at the front when
Nomthandazo got up and took the ones which
must be buttoned on the shoulders
Me: "Ndizozifaka (I'll put them myself)"
She ignored me and buttoned the first. She was
taller than Aphindiwe so she didn't need to
stand on her tippy toes like Phindi would have. I
was done before she finished buttoning the
second one, she fixed my shirt and ran her
hands on it like she would do every morning
before we'd step out
Nomthandazo: "Now you're ready to go."
I bent and took my key cars and cellphone on
the cellphone, on the other couch my brown
briefcase and laptop were already there, I had
left them there yesterday. Aphindiwe grabbed
her handbag and helped me with the briefcase
since it was a wheel case.
Nomthandazo: "Bye"
Me: "Sure."
We stepped out of the house and into the car,
with our bags in the trunk already. I stepped into
the car and noticed how my lady looked a little
far distanced, she was thinking and I knew it
had to do with what she saw a few minutes
back...
Me: "Uright? (Are you alright?)"
Aphindiwe: "Yeah"
As I was driving, I allowed her to think about
what she saw before she confronted me about
it. I wanted her to understand that
Nomthandazo was carrying my child and the
bond was going to be there but it wasn't
Nomthandazo I was doing this for but my child
and myself. I wanted her to know that the
bigger that belly grew, the more joy and
excitement I'd have but njenje ethule nje (with
her quiet), I was hoping these were the things
she was thinking about and trying to
understand. I stopped at the garage to get my
car tank filled, I stepped out and went inside the
garage, since she had not ate this morning, I
knew she must have been hungry. I purchased
airtime for myself, lunch bar for the both of us,
wine gums for the both of us, water for me and
a can of Just Juice for her with a Russian roll
pie. I paid off and went back to my car, she was
typing on her phone, I threw other stuff on the
backseat and gave her the pie and can
Me: "Yitya (eat)"
Aphindiwe: "But I'm not hungry"
Me: "Breakfast is the most important meal of
the day."
She looked at me for a while until I was done
fastening my seatbelt.
Me: "What?"
She shook her head, opening the lid covering
the cold drink holders. I opened the bottle of
water and drank it half way before placing it on
the other empty bottle holder. We drove off the
garage, in silence, with only the English news
playing from Metro when my phone rang
through the speakers, since it was connected to
the car. I changed gears before passing my eye
to the small screen in front of me, Pearl. I
extended my hand and pressed the green
button on the screen
Me: "Morning"
Pearl: "Hey unjani?"
The smile in her sleepy voice didn't go
unnoticeable
Me: "Perfect wena?"
Pearl: "I'm good."
Me: "Can I call you back ngokwam (myself)?"
Pearl: "Nini? (When?)"
Me: "Now"
Pearl: "Okay"
She hung up. I took my phone where it was
placed and disconnected the Bluetooth
connection, it showed on the screen and just
like I had expected, babe looked at me. I dialed
Pearl's number and rang her back...
"Hello?"
Me: "Usaleleleni (why you still sleeping), I
thought you'd be up by now"
Pearl: "Ndizama lonto (I'm trying that)"
Me: "Uphi uLisa? (Where's Lisa?)"
Pearl: "She's gone to school already, ndivuka
ndamlungiselela (I woke up and prepared her)"
Me: "I'll call you futhi xa ndisem'sebenzini (I'll
call you again when I'm at work)"
Pearl: "That's what I wanted to ask, will I see
you today?"
Me: "I'm not sure. I'll make a plan"
Pearl: "Okay."
Me: "Bye"
I placed my phone on the space next to the
(name)
Aphindiwe was still quiet and it was starting to
bother me because she was never like this
Me: "What's wrong?"
Aphindiwe: "Ngantoni? (About what?)"
Me: "Ngawe (about you)"
Aphindiwe: "Nothing."
Me: "Aphindiwe"
Aphindiwe: "Mihle."
"Yintoni inxaki? (What is the problem?)"
Aphindiwe: "Akhonto sani (there's nothing
dude)"
Me: "Ndingu sani ngoku kuwe? (I'm dude now to
you?)"
She sighed and leaned on the window, I looked
at her while pressing the window button on my
door, it rolled down and when it was half way
she moved away and leaned on the chair seat. I
decided to let her be for now, however if she
was still in this state when I go around her
school to see her during lunch time, them we'd
have to talk about it, efuna, engafuni (where she
liked it or not.) Before I dropped her off I started
at work, to go clock in, so they'd see I was here...
Me: "Masingene (let's go in)"
Aphindiwe: "No babe, ndiyoyika (I'm scared)"
Me: "Haisoka, akho lonto apha (there's nothing
like that)"
Aphindiwe: "Hayi Mihle, ndinentloni (No Mihle,
I'm shy)"
Me: "(chuckles) let's go."
I opened my door and went to the trunk, she
was still seated on her car seat, I took out both
my bags and pressed the keys for the trunk to
close. I then walked over to her door, opened it
and waited for her to step out, which she did
slowly, she gave me a puppy face meanwhile
closing the door, she knew I wasn't going to
change my mind anyway. Before we walked
inside I saw her touch the ring on her nose
which she had told me a million times what it's
called, but I always forgot
Me: "Leave it on. If I love it they'll love it."
She smiled at me and followed after me, the
huge glass door was already opened, with the
security standing at it. I went over to the
receptions, gave her my work access cars
which she scanned and handed back to me. I
opened the gate for Phindi first, because it had
a card scanner which only worked for workers
in the Navy and allowed one person to go
through at a time. After we both went through, I
headed down the hallway, of course she was
receiving eyes from a lot of men which was
something I wasn't used to because not all the
girls I dated received such lusty looks because
of their body shape, I had to be flexible towards
the matter so it wouldn't have me worked up.
On the way to my building I passed a few
colleagues and some other captains whom I
had to salute respectively...
"Do you do that all the time?"
Me: "What?"
Aphindiwe: "The formal greeting."
Me: "To people on higher positions than I am,
ewe (yes)"
We walked into the hallways of building B and
B12 was where my work space was associated
Me: "Good morning"
Lucas: "Ya, you bastard! What's bringing you in
so late?"
He checked his wrist watch before passing his
eyes to the one on the wall
Lucas: "It's ten past nine"
Me: "At least I'm not two hours late."
Thandokazi: "Ungafuni ndikuthuke ekseni worse
uhamba nendwendwe (you don't want me to
swear at you in the morning, worse since you
came with a visitor)"
Me: "Thando. Molo nawe baby (morning to you
too baby), great morning?'
Thandokazi: "Can't you back where you coming
from?"
Nadia: "She doesn't want you, not long ago she
was talking about how much she misses you."
Me: "Where's Captain?"
Nadia: "He's out to D"
I took out the sheets I had for him and went to
his office, I placed them on top of the table and
wrote a note in case he returned while I was ony
way to dropping Aphindiwe
"We have a meeting at one, you do know that
right?"
Me: "No good morning toda"
Lucas: "It's because you brought a female
visitor, that's why."
Me: "(chuckles) let me make a proper
introduction. Samantha come here baby"
Samantha: "No, make it from there."
We laughed, I held Phindi's hand and looked at
her before looking at Samantha
"Sammy this right here is my first wife, my do or
die."
Lucas: "Ride or die."
Me: "That exactly. Baby (pause) that right there
is Samantha, my second wife"
Samantha: "First before you came ma'am"
Aphindiwe smiled, looking at me. I placed a kiss
on her forehead and nodded that we walk out
Samantha: "So where you going now?"
Me: "Dropping off the first wife here at
Stellenbosch uni"
Thandokazi: "Ufunda khona? (Does she study
there?)"
Me: "Yeah"
Thandokazi: "Wenza ntoni sisi? (What are you
doing there?)"
Aphindiwe: "Law"
Thando nodded, taking a sip from her cup.
Me: "Be back in ten."
Nadia: "Don't drive reckless and kill this young
lady you're going with. She still has her law
degree to complete"
Me: "Let's go babe. Sammy what must I bring
you?"
Samantha: "I'm still mad for now so I wanted
nothing"
Thandokazi: "Please don't bring out that
coloured side of you ke nontombi."
Me: "No, wifey don't got that side"
Lucas: "She ain't like Nad..."
Nadia: "Futsek! Samantha is coloured and will
remain coloured so she got that side too!
Yeses"
Me: "Be back guys"
Thandokazi: "Kudala usithi uyahamba,
khawuhambe (it's been a while since you said
you're leaving, just go)"
I walked out with Aphindiwe, after showing
Thando the middle finger. They always told me
that they hope someday the surveillance
camera catches me I'm either swearing or
harassing Sammy to twerk. Samantha was the
youngest of us and she arrived right before
Simon did, her first days at work she had a silly
crush on me, which unfortunately didn't go
unnoticed by all of us, but she fought it right
after she saw Nomthandazo come here at work
several times and got the idea that I was in a
serious relationship with someone. She was an
adorable young lady but I could have never
found the manly courage to do anything with
her, my colleagues were my colleagues and to
me they appeared ad people I work with, not
people I could start a personal life with. Hence
the wifey name, it all came when we realized
she was attracted to me.

On our way to Stellenbosch, which was about a

seven minute drive, I made it seven with my ride
but it was normally a fifteen minutes if you
traveled on the road speed required, Aphindiwe
was still not talking. She had missed her nine
o'clock session today because of the time we
finished off at home. I parked at a space I found
near the gate and turned on my seat to look at
her...
Me: "I'll be at twelve but ndizohamba early to
prepare for the meeting"
Aphindiwe: "Okay, bye then"
Me: "My kiss"
She leaned in and gave me a cold baby kiss
before opening the door
Me: "That's not how we do it."
Aphindiwe: "You'll be late for work"
She stepped out and went to the back of the car,
I stepped out too and followed her. Right after
she fixed her handbag over her shoulder I pulled
her and crushed my lips on her, she
immediately placed her hands where my belt
was sitting, on my waist. When I felt her stand
on her tippy toes I pulled back and placed
another one on her
Me: "Bye."
She was still blusforeheadhing when I
completely let go of her. She looked at me,
smiling before she turned on her feet and
walked slowly towards the gate. I watched her,
with my bottom lip in between my teeth and
stepped into the car right after she walked
inside the gate, I sat on my seat and watched
her, the confidence she was radiating as she
walked on the paved part of the grounds, was
incredible. I took my phone and dialed her
number, still looking at her, she stopped,
searching her handbag. When she answered, I
couldn't help but smile because I could tell she
was smiling sheepishly herself
Me: "Turn and look at me"
Aphindiwe: "Uselapha? (You're still here?)"
Me: "Ewe (yes)"
She turned and looked at me car
Me: "I love you Aphindiwe."
She giggled and I watched from a distance how
she covered her one eye with her other hand
Aphindiwe: "But I feel like not more than you
love Nomthandazo."
Me: "Come here"
Aphindiwe: "No, you'll be late for work. Forget I
said anything"
Me: "You said something, which means you're
bothered by it so come back here or I'll fetch
you in class."
She was already walking away but stopped
when I said that
"Baby"
Me: "You have twenty minutes to ten and I just
need minutes of that time."
I was stepping out of my car by now, I closed to
door, locked it and waited for her at the
pavement. She was looking at me from a
distance, I could tell from where she was she
was contemplating, I on the other hand was a
little disappointed and somehow irritated, I
didn't think she was thinking about it this way,
this whole time.

She walked in slow steps towards the gate, she

wasn't looking at me maybe because she knew
what she had just said might have ruined my
mood. If it meant being late at work then be it, I
was not about to drive away when baby still
wasn't convinced that I was over my ex and she
was the one.
137th Entry
Aphindiwe

He hand one hand tucked in his pocket and the

other was holding his car keys and cell phone, I
stopped in front of him and looked at our feet,
how I hoped this conversation would end
already...
"Ndijonge (look at me)"
I lifted my head and looked at him, of course he
had the look I expected him to have on.
Mihle: "What was that about?"
Me: "It's nothing."
Mihle: "Aphindiwe?"
Me: "It's just how I felt after I saw you guys this
morning"
Mihle: "And what didn't you understand about
what you saw?"
Me: "Excuse me?"
Mihle: "Yintoni ungayi understand(anga)
ngalento uyibonileyo? (What is it you didn't
understand about what you saw?)"
Me: "I don't understand the question"
My palms were sweating and with the way I was
feeling, I felt like there was going to be a lot of
emotions involved in this conversation
Mihle: "Nomthandazo is carrying my baby. My
baby whom I can't distance myself from."
I nodded and looked away
Mihle: "There's difference when I'm touching
uNomthandazo to pleasure her and when I'm
touching uNomthandazo to feel her hump.
Kunomahloko (there's a difference)"
Me: "Ya sure, ndiyakuvha (I hear you)"
He raised a brow and looked at me, honestly I
was getting annoyed and angry by second
because I wanted to ask him many things but
didn't want to break down like I felt I was. My
heart was heavy from this morning and right
now it needed me to talk then this lump on my
throat would push me to crying
Me: "Can I go now?"
Mihle: "I don't want you to push me away so
please don't be that kind of woman."
I nodded again. He stood there and looked at
me, I looked away from him for a second then
returned my eyes back to him, he extended his
hand to touch my cheek but withdrew it before
he made contact with my skin
Mihle: "I'll see you in the afternoon"
Me: "Cool."
He took two steps still facing me then he finally
turned, the same way I was affected, he was
too. I saw it in eyes and never ever had he not
touched me when he wanted too, that was
another thing which added some more negative
weight on my already heavy heart
Me: "Who's Pearl?"
He had his back facing me, he stopped and I
repeated myself
"Who's Pearl?"
He turned and looked at me, he blinked a few
times before chowing on his lower lip. He
walked towards me and right when he was
going to touch me, I took a step back
Me: "Ndicela undiphendule (please answer me)"
Mihle: "She's a friend."
Me: "A friend?"
He kept quiet, he looked at me straight into the
eyes and as intimidating as they looked, I
focused on them too
Me: "Or maybe I should be asking, wenzani naye
(what are you doing with her)?"
Mihle: "I'm doing nothing with her"
He seemed confident and the way he was
looking at me it was if he was asking me to look
into his soul and trust him, but my gut was
telling me otherwise
Me: "You know what's funny (pause) qho xa
kufouna yena (all the time when she calls), she
has to be spoken to privately. This isn't your
first time you're having conversation with her in
my presence, and at first I asked myself why
she's feel comfortable calling you babe but then
again I trusted you but now I'm questioning
myself again uba kutheni ezofeela comfortable
(wohy would she feel comfortable) to call you
first thing in the morning, evuka (after waking
up.)"
Mihle: "What do you want me to say?"
Me: "To tell me the truth. What are you doing
with her?"
Mihle: "Nothing"
I nodded and turned to walk away, he grabbed
my wrist stopping me, I looked at him over my
shoulder
"She's nothing close to you."
I pulled my wrist free and he allowed me
Me: "Bye"
I could feel his eyes on me as I walked away, I
started playing with my fingers to stop my
hands from shaking, the more steps I took, the
more my heart felt heavier and I could feel my
eyes filling with tears which I blinked away. I
breathed in and out a couple of times to calm
myself down. I was halfway through the
hallways when I realized I needed to sleep this
off so I turned back and headed to the dorms,
the classes missed today I'll try filling in
tomorrow.
I felt my phone vibrate as I walked up the
staircase of the residence, I searched for it in
my bag and found it, along with my keys. It was
a text message from Mihle which I didn't read, I
would just lie to him and tell him I read it but did
not have an SMS to respond to it. I walked into
my dark room and silently thanked God that I'd
be alone, I needed this. I opened the windows
and curtains to bring in a fresher smell because
now it smelt of cigarette smoke, and I emptied
the dustbin which was full. After rinsing my
hands, I jumped to bed, opened the packet of
wine gums Mihle had bought and allowed
myself to think. I was scared honestly, scared
by some many things; how much I knew I loved
him, how every time he did something I'd have
that 'he's playing you' feeling, and how much my
gut always told me he's lying. I didn't want to
believe any of these things I thought of him, I
just wanted to shut them out and love him,
enjoy my relationship with him because I
already was until we had an argument about
something or two. It was easy to believe
everything he'd say about Nomthandazo
because he explained what they had a lot,
because if I'd fail to understand something he'd
let me in but with this Pearl woman, he didn't,
he didn't even know what to say when I asked
him and that's what scared me the most.

I don't recall when I slept but when I woke up to

my phone ringing, I still had that lump on my
throat, sleeping hadn't helped...
"Hello?"
"Bitch! Are you sleeping? Nee man get up,
where are you?"
Me: "Kim. I'm in my room"
Kimberley: "Get up then, we coming to get you"
Me: "Where we going?"
Kimberley: "You'll see. I'll be at the gate in three
minutes"
Me: "okay"
She hung up, she was speaking at the top of her
voice because she had the speakers of her car
blasting with music. I turned and faced my
roommates bed, to my surprise she was laying
vertically on her bed, sleeping, I never even
heard her when she came in. I got up and fixed
my face, cleaning my eyes and doing some
touch ups on my make up. I stepped out of the
room and walked in slow steps towards the
gate, the time was 11:14 and if it were any
ordinary day I:d want to drag the time to twelve
o'clock already because of my excitement of
seeing Mihle, but today I wished that time didn't
come, I wanted to keep distance from him until
I got rid of this feeling because spending time
with him now in this condition would have me
feel like it was never going to be alright. It was a
few minutes standing at the gate when Kim's
Mini Cooper parked on the other side of the
road, the car seemed full as I was getting closer.
Luthando jumped from the front seat and came
running to me, she picked up only an inch from
the ground and kissed my chick
"Rha sisi uyamlahla umntu (Hey woman, you
abandon a person)."
Me: "Haisoka. I had a lot going on"
Kimberley: "Bitch just step into my car already!"
Me: "Aren't you stepping out to give me a hug?"
She turned the volume and looked at me again,
her hand was half way out of the window
Kimberley: "Wat? (What?)"
Me: "Aren't you coming out to hug me, greet me
probably?"
Kimberley: "Not when you chose dick over us."
I laughed, following after Luthando who was
holding my hand
Me: "Who are the other girls?"
Luthando: "Cousin sister ka Kim and her friend"
Me: "Okay."
I got in at the back, with the other two girls, right
behind the passenger seat, Kim turned and
looked at me, wancuma (she smiled)
"I missed your kak huge ass. By the way, we'll
talk about that at when we get to my place.
Angela, this is Aphindiwe, my new found bestie,
baby this is Angela and Chloe, her best friend."
Me: "Nice to meet you girls"
Angela: "Why you look like you been sleeping?"
Kimberley: "Cause the bitch has"
I turned on my seat and looked at Angela who
was at the other end of the car, I whispered
Me: "I was. Had to."
She giggled and shrugged her should in a form
of asking me why
Me: "Relationship problems"
Angela: 'Oh. oh makes a lot of sense."
Me: "(giggles) where we going?"
Angela: 'Ask Kim."
Me: "Kim?"
Kimberley: "Mami"
Me: "Waa' gaan ons? (Where are we going?)"
Kimberley: "Bungy jumping baby"
Me: "What?!"
Luthando: 'Yes we are!"
Me: "But I haven't brought anything suitable for
that"
Kimberley: "Don't worry baby, ek het ons klere
klaar (I have our clothes already), it's only these
two whom I need to get some outfit for. We
going to Mr Price sports for them, because we
already got our Adidas outfits"
Me: "(laughs) and where did you get the money
for all this?"
Kimberley: "I have a man baby."
Me: "A man?"
She turned and looked at me, before looking at
the front again and turning on the road on her
left, to where her flat was
"Baby you're not the only one with a man."
Me: "I never heard of him"
Kimberley: "Djy sal alles hoor (you'll hear
everything)"
The gate to her yard opened when we parked in
front of, it was a secured apartment and had a
security guard at the gate, since the flats inside
the yard weren't so many I presumed he and his
mates knew about almost every car which
belonged to someone who lived here. Kimberley
saluted him in a boyish way, causing the man
who looked at be in his thirties, to laugh. We
stepped into her apartment in laughs and
smiles, a part of me was eased from the heavy
heart I was feeling earlier but I hadn't totally
forget. In there, we changed into some leggings
and track jacket endandisafuna ukwazi uba
zazivelapha (which I still wanted to know where
they came from). There were different colours
in all the items, I received the grey tights
because Thando claimed to have already picked
the navy and Kim, the black, but I was content
because I didn't mind the grey. The track
jackets came in the sik silk material and were
all black but differed in sizes. I borrowed
Kimberley's black and gold Adidas ZX flux
since I wore the same size with her...
Luthando: "Funeke uzolala apha namhlanje,
khesihlebeni (you should come sleep over today,
so we can gossip)"
Me: "That's only if I'm not going back eBelmar
(to Belmar)"
Luthando: "Did you move in?"
Me: "Never (pause) he just wants me close I
guess."
Luthando: "You're lucky. Abanye bethu sibonwa
once a week (Some of us get visited once a
week)"
Me: "Found someone nawe?!"
I asked with so much excitement that I
absentmindedly jumped like a little baby who
had just seen candy, she looked at me and
laughed
Luthando: "No! I mean sasibonwa (we were
visited)"
Me: "Awudiki sani (You're boring dude)"
Luthando: "You wouldn't change a thing about
me."
I sat on my bed and looked at my phone, Mihle
had never texted me during his work hours and
that was something I had adapted to already
but for some reason I now felt he should have
written something. After the little
misunderstanding we had, a short text would do
me better but he never did, like usual, and for
me at that current moment, it felt wrong.

From Kimberley's apartment we went to the

mall to get the two girls some leggings, they
had the rest of the items with them. Kim
wanted us to dress in leggings, like we were
heading mountain climbing, those were
Lootlove's exact words, we killed the outfits
even though we did look like we had another
activity in mind either than this one. I lost track
of time and only was reminded when my phone
rang that it was that time of the day, when Mihle
would have his car parked outside campus,
waiting for me...
"Hello."
He said something but I couldn't hear him
because of the music that was playing in the
car. I covered the speaker with my hand and
yelled at Kim to turn down the volume, which I
had asked her to do already but akandihoya
(she ignored me.)
Me: "Hey"
Mihle: "Where the fuck are you?"
Me: "On my way to Cape Town"
Mihle: "Cape Town?"
Me: "Ewe (yes). We going bungy jumping,
myself and the girls."
Mihle: "Then you couldn't tell me, to alert me at
least?"
Me: "Ixolo"
Mihle: "Mxm"
Me: "I'm sorry, I wanted to but it..."
Then he hung up on me, I didn:t realize my
mouth was hanging while I was looking at my
phone until Chloe touched me on my chin,
closing it
Me: "He hung up on me."
Kimberley: "That does sound like your man. You
should have heard when he called me that day,
looking for you. Yeses, God knows how much I
wanted to swear at him. He's mos fucken rude"
Me: "He can be at times."
Kimberley: "No, always!"
Luthando: "Is this the day he called me too?"
Kim and myself simultaneously answered
"Yes."
Luthando: "But he was okay to me."
Kimberley: "He was like, waa' is Aphindiwe. Dan
vra ek, who am I talking to, instead of
answering my question, he asked again, in a
more rough tone. Then only then I figured it
must be him."
Me: "(laughs) why did you end up not swearing
at him?"
Kimberley: "He's still my crush mos"
Me: "What?!"
Thando and Kim cracked in fits of laughter,
Luthando couldn't stop looking at me as she
was laughing
"Uzobulala umntu yilendoda yakho chom (you'll
kill someone because of this man of yours
friend)"
Me: "I'd never"
Kimberley: "(laughs) no I'm kidding baby but
he'd make a great meal some time."
I punched her shoulder, she hissed in pain but
didn't stop laughing
Chloe: "Is he that nice?"
Kimberley: "Hy's mos 'n Greek god Chloe, lekker,
yummy en alles (He's just a Greek good, nice,
yummy and all)"
Chloe: "Hoe weet jy dit? (How do you know
that?)"
Kimberley: "Die man was my crush before
eimand came and snitched him. Like I knew him
since last year through my brother"
Me: "I didn't snitch him."
Angela: "Why didn't you tell him? I mean die Kim
ek weet doesn't keep her feelings to herself."
Luthando: "She was scared. For the very first
time in her life, she was actually scared of
someone from the male species."
Me: "(giggles) but I bet she ain't now"
Kimberley: "Not at all, hence I want to swear at
him still."
We stopped at some garage and bought water
for those who needed water, and Powerades for
some of us. In the car, the conversations flowed
from the male species, to rich guys, they were
concluded by Kim's man. He was a black man,
with two children and dealing with divorce
proceedings. The only reason Kimberley
seemed to be with the guy was because he was
balling, he spent cash and when I asked about
his occupation, she didn't know nor care but
she just loved his money.
Me: "Have y'all done it?"
Kimberley: "Once"
Chloe: "How is he?"
She did that in the middle hand gesture
"He's okay. Not bad."
They carried on talking about the guy and how
they thought he would end up demanding a lot
more from Kimberley, she failed to understand
their points because to her, she was already
giving him what she thinks he'd want. I was on
my WhatsApp, typing the forth message to
Mihle, which I was to delete too, I didn't know
what to say to him, how to address him but I
wanted to talk to him even more now that we
weren't on good terms, now that I wanted to
know what he was doing during this hour since I
wasn't available. I texted him a lousy
"I'm sorry" and minimized WhatsApp, it was only
after a few seconds that I went back and
checked if he was typing or not, and he wasn't
but he was online. I stayed on his contact and
waited, hoping he'd start typing but when he
logged out, it was unfortunate for me. I looked
my phone, placed it in my bag and attempted on
enjoying the ride like the rest of the girls were
doing.

The day seemed short when we were at table

mountain, it seemed the hours just came by so
quick and the fun was over but we promised to
do it again. We drove to Gold Restaurant where
we decided we would dine and the familiar
scent of foods I was used to excited me, it had
been a while since I had some traditional plates.
Angela and Luthando surprised me on the
amount of food they could take in, they even
wanted some desserts. We were still glued to
those chairs waiting for three dessert orders to
come when a guy from a table not far from ours
stared hard at us, he was dark and had a scar
on his right eyes, his dress code was perfect,
the classic, gentleman look. I couldn't tell if he
was looking at me or Luthando who was sitting
next to me...
"Who's he staring at?"
Luthando: "Aphindiwe"
Me: "No, ujonge wena (he's looking at you)"
He poked a guy who was sitting on the same
table as him, holding a drumstick, and the guy
lifted his head and looked at us, he raised his
eyebrows and smiled and that's when the dark
guy stood up and walked towards our table. I
felt my hairs stand and I immediately felt
anxious, something about him didn't seem right
or I must have been over thinking...
Guy: "Ladies"
Kimberley: "Hey"
He looked at me and smiled, I stared at him and
couldn't even fake a smile for this man
"Aphindiwe."
Me: "Excuse me"
Guy: "And we finally meet sweetheart. I been
waiting for this day."
He had a cocky smile on his face, he smelled
off an expensive cologne but I wasn't sure I
liked the smell.
Me: "Ndiyakwazi? (Do I know you?)"
Guy: "No, ndingathanda undazi (I would love for
you to know me) though but the timing would
be bad."
Luthando: "AP who's this guy?"
Guy: "Oh (chuckles), table manners."
He pulled in a chair from an empty table and sat
right next to me, diagonally, so he'd look at me I
guess
Guy: "I'll do the introduction some other time
because I can promise you ladies this isn't the
last time ndinibona (seeing y'all)"
Kimberley: "Is that so?"
Guy: "Yes baby girl, it is so (long pause) my
biggest target is the girl next to me."
He licked his dark lips and smiled, I prevented
myself from cringing in disgust.
Me: "Can you at least tell me your name?"
Guy: "Uzolazi Saturday (you'll know it Saturday)"
Me: "Where Saturday?"
Guy: "Aircraft show"
Me: "Oh"
The girls were looking at us attentively, I wasn't
scared but I wasn't comfortable either, I have
never seen this guy yet he called me by my
name and seemed quite confident that I was
the Aphindiwe he was talking about. He knew
my whereabouts for Saturday, that's when at
the back of my mind I thought he must be a
friend to Mihle, a friend I happen to know not off.
Guy: "(chuckles) We'll talk then Nkosazana"
I looked at him as he got up, I was not sure
whether to let out the breath I've been holding
or to nod. He took my hand and kissed it then
wicked at me...
"Girls, hopefully I'll see you guys Saturday too."
My girls mumbled replies between their teeth
and he walked off, not before he looked at me
one more time. At their table, the other guy was
smiling sheepishly, looking between his friend
and myself
Kimberley: "Who the fuck is that?"
Me: "I don't know. Can we leave?'
Kimberley: "No, he won't do anything"
Me: "Now Kim please!"
Kimberley: "Okay no need to shout."
Luthando: "Go get the desserts in take away
and pay the bill, I'll walk with her outside"
I was starting to feel hot, my stomach was
turning and the anxiety I was feeling was
beyond what I could handle. For some reason
his so friendly self freaked me out, what the
fuck did he know about me?
Luthando: "Uright? (Are you alright?)"
Me: "Ya, I'm just"
Luthando: "You're sweating."
I searched my handbag immediately after she
said that, I was looking for tissues
Me: "How does he know where I'll be Saturday?"
Luthando: "Isn't he one of Miles' friends"
Me: "I would like to think I know all his friends
and I've never seen him with them"
Luthando: "Who is he?"
She whispered her question causing me to look
up at her, she was looking at me, concern
written all over her face
"I don't know."
That was all I could say, I too wanted to know
who the fuck was that guy and how he knew I
was the Aphindiwe he had been stalking. I
wanted answers on how he managed to
randomly pick me out of all the girls in the
Western Cape, to stalk.
138th Entry

Mihle

My call with Aphindiwe pissed me off even

more, I wasn't expecting her not to go with her
friends if she wanted to but she could have told
me at least, so I wouldn't coming here, hoping
to see her and worried about her mood still.
Because I was craving something meaty, I
made a decision to drive down town and go at
D'trekker for some braaied meat. When I arrived
there I made my order and showed the guy my
car so he could bring me the meat there,
disadvantages of being at this job, you weren't
allowed to be seen as such places with your
uniform on. The meat I bought and the pap
were enough for those give crazies I worked
with, since I was playing of not going anywhere.
I was still laying on my seat when there was a
knock on my window, the guy was holding a box,
covered in plastic and a 2L of Stoney, I rolled
down my window...
"Iyeza ipapa buda. Ndiyibekaphi lena? (The pap
is coming buda. Where do I put this one?)"
Me: "Ndivule iboot groot man (I opened the
trunk Groot man)"
He went over to the back of the car and placed
it there, a woman came carrying two takeaways
of papa, she too went and placed those in my
trunk. Since I had already paid for everything, I
pulled out a R50 note from my wallet and gave
it to him
Me: "Tip yakho bra yam (it's you tip my brother)"
He showed me his thumb, I rolled up my
window and reversed before driving away. On
the ten minute drive to my work I had a lot I was
thinking about, my relationship to be more
specific, Nomthandazo was only on her third
month and thinking of le six which she had to
spend with us now, it made me cringe because I
feel like Aphindiwe will give in before
Nomthandazo goes into labour. I found my
usual parking outside my workplace and
contemplated whether to step out now or wait
for some time, I wasn't good company anyway
when I'm like this, but when my phone rang, I
decided to finish the call here before walking
out. Since I had disconnected it this morning, I
took it and placed it on my eyes...
"Hey"
Pearl: "Hello. I was hoping I'd see you ke yazi,
since it's your lunch time."
I kept quiet and sighed rather
Pearl: "Did I say something wrong?"
Me: "No but we'll have to slow down a little."
Pearl: "What do you mean by slow down"
Me: "Pearl I have a lot going on in my life babes
and ngoku the drama with my girlfriend which is
caused by your phone calls, I'm not sure if I'm
ready for."
Pearl: "Oh, so ndim inxaki? (Oh, so I'm the
problem?)"
Me: "Nobody is a problem. Baby wam uyayibona
lento wethu nangona ingakwazi and what's
worse ucinga we've done something (my baby
sees this thing of ours, even though she doesn't
know you and what's worse she thinks we've
done something). I haven't even laid a finger on
you yet."
Pearl: "(giggles) who is she? I've never heard
you sound so concerned."
Me: "She's someone I wouldn't want to lose."
She kept quiet and I tried saying it again, in a
way which would sound more suitable for her
but decided not to, she had to know and learn
how I felt about Aphindiwe.
Pearl: "So where is the problem?"
Me: "The calling"
Pearl: "So ndingafouni? (So I must not call?)"
Me: "Ya, we'll talk xa kufoune mna (Ya, we'll talk
when I call)"
She sighed and I could picture her face
"Okay then."
Me: "Hey, hey, don't sound so down.
Andigqibelisanga ukubona (I'm still going to see
you)"
Pearl: "I know but ndiyayazi uba (I know) that
will be forever"
Me: "I'll try and make it soon."
Pearl: "Okay, so you at work."
I saw Samantha walking from her car towards
the entrance, I pressed the hooter for as long as
I could until she turned, she looked around and
saw my car when I flickered the lights for her
Me: "Yes, I'm at work."
Pearl: "Okay then, ndizova ngawe okay (I'll hear
from you)"
Me: "Funeke ndizobona lotakalani so ndizoza (I
need to come see lotakalani, so I'll come)"
She giggled, causing me to laugh. Sammy was
already standing on my window, leaning on it
and looking at me
"Bye then."
Me: "Take care."
I hung up and looked at this dimpled lady
leaning on my door
Me: "There's some things I got in the trunk, I
want you to help me carry them."
Samantha: "What are those?"
She moved away from the door when she saw
me take my wallet from the other seat, I opened
the door and stepped down. The trunk was
opening so we stepped towards it...
"Meat. You know I'm on a diet right?"
Me: "I forgot."
Samantha: "Why would you buy knowing I'm on
a diet?"
I took the box and she carried the takeaways
and cold drink, I closed the trunk and locked my
car, sense it was a senser, the windows closed
automatically and the side mirrors closed too,
towards the doors.
Me: "Just a piece, it won't hurt."
Samantha: "It's people like you who drag us to
hell Mr Gabavu"
Me: "Say it again"
Samantha: "(laughs) say what?"
Me: "My surname."
She shook her repeatedly, she knows I'd have
her say it all day, it sounded great coming from
someone with a colored accent and squeaky
voice like hers. We stepped inside the building,
the co-workers at the office were having pies
and other tiny foods from the café...
Me: "Brought some lunch."
Bianca was the first to pack away what she had
bought, except for the 500Ml Sprite she had in
her hand. We ate, discussing the meeting which
was to be held today, often times these
meetings were held by a few number of people
but for some reason, they has asked us to
participate. It was organized by the Air force
department and what worried us was what
they'd tell us, what they might be expecting
from us on Friday. It worried us because last
year they shocked the aircraft flying team by
indirectly forcing them to change their flying
patterns and routines, they brought in
something Beijing related and the flying team
members were infuriated with anger, thinking of
all sorts of things which could go wrong. It was
six minutes to one when Captain walked in
followed by the vice and the chairperson. I
smiled at this men, our uniform sat well on
them, they wore it with pride, pride which
affected many of us who worked under them...
Captain: "Mr Boston and Gabavu, we need some
fresh men hands over here."
Lucas: "Yes sir"
I cleaned my hands and followed them to
Captain's office, they were talking about the
meeting we were having in three minutes, so as
general of many things, I decided to ask...
"Are we required any participation in the
meeting or do we just need to bring our ears?"
Vice Captain: "I believe they only need our ears,
judging from the way Mr Likrola was talking to
me on the phone."
Me: "So we carry no material sir"
Captain: "Do so, in case we might to touch in
here and there."
Vice captain: "Ninety percent of the event is
theirs, so I'm guessing their rules"
Me: "Your time, your rules"
Captain: "Yes, our is coming, next year and you'll
get a chance to finally sink the ship"
I laughed, holding a stack of three boxes. He
reminded me of this every time, when I was
promoted from being a Navy Seal to being part
of the Surface Warfare officers, through hard
work of course, I almost sank a ship and
without his help and the other team members, I
would've destroyed an asset worth millions. But
that was a couple of years back, now he knows
how good I was at this, he was aware that if
he'd step down as captain there were
possibilities that I'd be elected as Vice captain,
and he was proud because it was all his work.
I studied for this position while I was a seal man,
it wasn't easy but finally obtained it, it required
three years of qualification if you're already
inside, but I decided never to leave my seals
team so whenever they needed me, I was
available.
We walked out of Captain's office, carrying
boxes, files and books...
"Ladies, bring your material and the boards."
Nadia: "Yes sir"
She mouthed a "now?" to me and I nodded,
indicating that we needed to be at the
conference hall now.

The meeting stretched out for a bloody, long

three hours, when we stepped out of that hall
which reeked of sweat, I had a headache. The
only thing which helped during those hours
were the air cons and the sweet fragrances
worn by some females, or else it would have
been stuffier than it was. We stepped out,
chatting to some other people we knew from
other departments, I has many friends who
were soldiers and they were from Pretoria. I
learnt that they were sleeping at different hotels
because of the amount of people that had
came. I pulled out my cell phone from my
pocket and excused myself from the crowd.
Aphindiwe had called me twice during the
meeting but I ended up texting her, informing
her that I was not available for that moment in
time, I rang her...
"Hello?"
Me: "What's wrong?"
Aphindiwe: "Ndicela uzondilanda (please come
fetch me)"
Me: "What's wrong?"
Aphindiwe: "You'll know when you get here.
Could you just come for now, please"
Me: "Okay, okay. Uphi? (Where are you?)"
Aphindiwe: "At res"
Me: "I'll be there in ten."
After hanging up, I looked around the packed
area and searched for the captain, when I saw
him talking to the Army team, I knew I couldn't
talk to him now so I addressed the vice captain
Me: "Sir?"
Vice Captain: "Yes Mr Gabavu"
Me: "Are we by any chance heading back to
work or we done for the day!"
Vice captain: "We done for the day. I believe
we'll see each other again, tomorrow."
I nodded and said my goodbye to him. I passed
captain a signal from afar and he nodded,
before heading to my car, I retreated to my
office to go get my belongings. On my way to
Stellenbosch I couldn't help wondering what the
problem was, she sounded under panic and
knowing my girlfriend, I knew she wouldn't call
me while she was still that mad, something had
to be up.
It took me around seven minutes until I was
outside the female residence, she was standing
with her friends and they looked at be in a
serious conversation. I turned off my engine
and waited for them, she kept on looking at my
car, I hated how they took two steps then
stopped. When they finally got at the car, Drew's
sister would not stop talking, they were
listening to her the whole time...
Me: "Aren't y'all seeing each other tomorrow?"
Drew's sister: "You are never patient."
Me: "I expect by the time I arrive here, you guys
will be done with your gossip."
Drew's sister: "We not gossiping. We discussing
something."
I narrowed my eyes at her and she rolled hers
"Phindi baby, let's leave you. Your man is
irritating me."
Aphindiwe: "What's with you two?"
Drew's sister: "He's the problem"
She said that pointing me with her thumb, I
cguckled
Me: "If I didn't know better I'd say you're bitter of
something"
She turned and looked at me, Aphindiwe was
now stepping inside, I kept my eyes on Drew's
sister until she muttered a mxm, I chuckled
again.
Me: "Bye Luthando"
Luthando: "(giggles) bye."
Drew's sister mumbled some words under her
breath before holding Luthando's arm and
dragging her away from my car. I looked at the
lady next to me and saw her giggling, looking at
her friends
Me: "Can I have a kiss kengoku (now)?"
She turned and looked at me, meanwhile
closing her door, I was already leaning towards
her, waiting for her to bring her lips in
Aphindiwe: "I'm still mad at you"
Me: "We'll talk about that when I'm done kissing
you."
She leaned in and placed her soft lips on mine, I
cupped her right cheek and brought her face
closer. When I pulled back I ran my thumb on
her bottom lip, I watched how she bit it and
when I looked up at her eyes, she was staring at
me.
Aphindiwe: "There's a guy..."
I furrowed my eyebrows before she could even
explain what this guy did or what's happening, I
raised a brow as I pulled away from her
Aphindiwe: "We were at some African
restaurant in Cape Town then lomfana (then
this guy) just came out of nowhere and
uyandazi (he knows me)"
Me: "He knows you?"
Aphindiwe: "Andimazi mna (I don't know him)
babe but he got up from where he was seated
weza kuthi and called me by my name. Wathi
kudala eyilindile le mini of meeting up with me.
He said he'd see me Saturday."
Me: "Phi Saturday? (Where Saturday?)"
Aphindiwe: "Kwi after party ye aircraft."
Me: "How does he know you ll he there?"
"My question exactly."
My heart was racing, I looked at her with fear,
fear of asking how he looked because I believed
I knew who she was talking about. I gulped
down my saliva and felt the edge of my nose
beginning to sweat
Me: "How does he look?"
Aphindiwe: "He's dark, akatyebanga. He's
shorter than you and has a scar on the side of
one of his eyes"
I clenched my jaws and looked away. I thought
the bastard flew out of the province like I had
been told and now wayezingela uAphindiwe
(hunting for Aphindiwe), I chuckled from
annoyance, he had to play far from her...
Me: "Did he touch you?"
Aphindiwe: "Uyamazi? (Do you know him?)"
Me: "Did he touch you?"
Aphindiwe: "He held my hand."
I punched my steering wheel causing her to
cringe away in fear.
"Fuck!"
Aphindiwe: "Mihle ngubani? (Mihle who is he?)"
I kept quiet and searched for my phone, she
snitched out of my hand and looked at me
Aphindiwe: "Who is he?"
Her voice was shaky, from the way she looked
wayengathi yothukile (it was as though she got
a fright)
Me: "He's no one I can't handle"
Aphindiwe: "What's his name? Who is he?!"
Me: "Aphindiwe! That's not important babe, that
is not important now. What is important is
getting this whole mess fixed."
I dialed Bulelani's number and waited for him to
pick up, at first it rang until it sent me straight to
voicemail so I tried him again...
"Boy?"
Me: "Groot man"
Bulelani: "Ya ntwana, ho'zit? (Ya boy, how is it?)"
Me: "Kak full Buda, the general is terug (back)"
Bulelani: "Terug where? (Back where?)"
Me: "Apha and uyandinyela buda. Ufuna
uAphindiwe (Here and he's shitting on me buda.
He wants Aphindiwe)"
Bulelani: "Intoni? Bekungatshiyongo uba le kaka
is out of town? (What? Wasn t it said that he's
out of town?)"
Me: "Province but unfortunately not and
andiyityi ishit noba iphathwe zeziphi izandla
(and I don't feed on shit no matter which hands
held it)"
Bulelani: "Yiza naye apha Miles, awuzokwazi
umshiya kwakho. Lenja has you watched
(Come with her here Miles, you can't leave her
at your place. This dog has you watched)"
I hung up and accelerated my car, Aphindiwe
was looking at me this whole time, she was
fidgeting with her fingers on the edges of her
lace top
"Uthe ndiyi target yakhe (he said I was his
target)"
I looked at Phindi before looking back at the
road, knowing Bafana from way back, I knew
she's been her target from the day he heard I
had a girl either than Nomthandazo. You'd
probably wonder how it ended up being heard
by his ears, well that's because with an enemy,
there's ears and eyes everywhere. I was
drumming my fingers on the steering wheel,
thinking of smart ways to tackle this problem.
With Bafana you couldn't just rush things
because he always had a plan B, and his plans
never failed which is why you had to think
thoroughly when fighting against. Right now my
fear was having him lay his hands on her, I
wouldn't leave with myself if he touched her, I
gulp down yet another piece of my saliva and
turned on the air con, I was feeling instantly.
Aphindiwe: "Your face is veined"
Me: "I could have figured."
She touched my hand which was on the gear,
even when my body is overwhelmed with fear
and anger, her touch brought calmness to it. I
needed us to arrive at Bulelani's so I'd sit down
and draft a plan before drove me crazy.

After what seemed like forever, I was roaring

my engine in front of Bulelani's gate, Phakamani,
his younger brother was here, he must have
called him after hearing this. Phakamani was
the one who opened the gate for, I found a
space to park my car right in front of the house,
before stepping out, I looked at Phindi...
"I'd hate myself if anything would happen to you
but I promise not to let it."
I wasn't expecting her to respond so I stepped
out and fetched her on the other side, she had
her door opened but was still seated, probably
thinking about what she got herself into, how
she could have fell in love with a bastard like
me. She stepped out and fisted a part at the
back of my shirt, I was still in my work attire.
After having looked my car, we stepped inside.
In the lounge there was Bulelani, Nkululeko,
Nosipho, Lwando and Phakamani who we just
walked in with, I noticed the way Nosipho
looked at Aphindiwe and if I wasn't caught up
with nerves, I would've told her not to...
Bulelani: "Babes"
Aphindiwe: "Molweni Bhuti (Hello bhuti)"
Bulelani: "Unjani mntanam (how are you my
child)?"
She nodded, tightening my hand. Bulelani
looked at her for a long while before passing his
eyes on me
"Ntwana?"
Me: "Groot man"
Bulelani: "Kharinge leway, uthi zik'phani? (Talk
about this, you saying what's happening?)"
By now we were seated next to Lwando,
Aphindiwe wouldn't let go of my hand, so I
placed both our hands on my lap and leaned
back on the couch
Me: "Imbonile uPhindi lekaka (This shit saw
Phindi)"
Bulelani: "Phindi ubuphi baby? (Phindi, where
were you baby?)"
Aphindiwe: "At some African restaurant in the
Cape."
I moved and placed my elbows on my thighs, I
didn't even know which position was more
comfortable for me to sit
Lwando: "For sure kuse Gold (For sure it's at
Gold)"
Aphindiwe: "Ewe, bekuse Gold restaurant (Yes,
it was at Gold restaurant)"
Bulelani: "Wathini kuwe? (What did he say to
you?)"
Aphindiwe: "That kudala eyilindile le mini (that
he's been waiting for this day) to finally see me,
that I'm his target."
Bulelani: "Gents we'll have to play smart"
Nosipho: "Since zange niyenze lonto apha kum
(since y'all didn't do that to me)"
Nkululeko: "Ungathethi ikaka Nosi. Wazisa mos
kula chap wena, so yintoni le uyilwayo? (Don't
speak shit Nosi. You took yourself to that man,
so what are you fighting here?)"
She looked at Nkululeko then at me before she
got up and pushed her feet in her blue flip flops
"Andidingeki mos apha (I'm not needed here)."
She retreated to one of the spare rooms,
Bulelani hissed when she roughly closed one of
the doors and shouted
"Fuck off! Kukwam apha (this is my place)!"
Lwando: "Awunokwazi uchaza lomntu
umbonileyo sisi (can't you describe the person
you saw sisi?)"
Me: "Is it necessary na ntwana?"
Bulelani: "Umxelele uMiles (She told Miles)"
Lwando nodded, I shook my head because what
he had just asked was ridiculous, I wouldn't
have known it was him if she hadby described
him to me
Bulelani: "Ndoda"
Me: "Buda"
Bulelani: "What's the plan?"
I freed Aphindiwe's hand and stood up, I didn't
have any plans for this, I just wanted the guy
demolished, for good.
Me: "Ndizombulala (I'm going to kill him)"
Aphindiwe gasped, loudly, that we all turned our
eyes on her, she was looking at me with
shocked yet pleading eyes. I stared back at her
and felt the need to explain to her why I wanted
to kill him but I couldn't, she couldn't know the
depth of this...
Bulelani: "The consequences zalonto, ukhe
wazicinga? (The consequences of that, did you
think of them?)"
Me: "What's the worst that could happen Buda?"
Nkululeko: "Yicinge Miles (Think of it Miles), we
don't just act when we facing the beast"
Me: "This time around I'll act Nkululeko"
Lwando: "Khayeke ubanenkani Miles (Could you
stop being stubborn Miles?)"
Me: "Ndim usekunyeni apha, ndizokwenza izinto
ngendlela yam (I'm the one who's in shit here, I'll
do things my way)"
Lwando: "Uyayiqonda uba uzofaka nathi egozini?
(Are you aware you'll put all of us in danger?)"
Me: "Then fuck off."
There was silence in the room, I felt my
woman's eyes on me, I avoided looking at her
because if by any chance I did, I would grow
soft which was something I didn't want now.
"I won't hand Aphindiwe kulanja (long pause) so
I'll kill him."
Bulelani nodded, he understood how I felt
because he was once in this type of problem
too.

I passed my eyes from Bulelani to Nkululeko,

then Phakamani, the people I knew were going
to help me get this done. I then turned to
Aphindiwe, she had her hand over her mouth,
continuously shaking her head. I wanted her to
be strong, there would be even more damages
to fix if I had to let Bafana walk away with this
one too.
139th entry
Aphindiwe

Mihle wouldn't break eye contact with me, he

looked at me for a while, to an extent that it felt
like we were the only two in the room.
Someone cleared their throat causing me to
avert my pleading eyes from Mihle to the floor, I
was mind shut, all I was thinking about was
what my lovely boyfriend had just said, what he
was planning on doing. As much as I wanted to
talk to him and ask him to find another way of
handling this, I did not know what it was I was
going to say. For a moment I felt like all my
senses stopped working and all I felt was my
body becoming weak, my stomach was turning
and I felt like there was this vacant space in my
stomach, it brought anxiety and the rate at
which my heart was beating was insane. He
touched my shoulder, I looked up at him and
for a moment he appeared blurry, I closed my
eyes and opened them, the vision had cleared a
little. I looked down on the floor and touched
my forehead, he knelt in front of me...
"Baby?"
Me: "Mhuh?"
Mihle: "What's wrong? Uright?"
Me: "I feel dizzy."
He got up and took me in his arms, bridal style
Mihle: "Nkulie khaze neglass yamanzi (Nkulie
bring a glass of water)"
I laid my head on his shoulder and felt the cold
wind against my skin as we stepped out, he
placed me down and made me lean against the
wall...
Mihle: "Phindi?"
Me: "Babe?"
Mihle: "Stand up straight"
I managed to because I was feeling a little
better, Nkululeko walked out and handed me
the glass before going back inside, I took a few
sips before removing it away from my mouth.
Me: "Sihamba nini? (When are we leaving?)"
Mihle: "Sele sizohamba (we'll leave soon), I
need a plan at hand"
Me: "Can't we do that at home?"
Mihle: "You know awukho safe kwapha kwam
(you know you're not even safe there at my
place)"
Me: "And how am I safe here?"
He looked at me before he closed his eyes and
sighed, I wanted him to answer me so I'd know
if ndandizohlala apha (I was going to stay here)
because it seemed like it
Me: "Am I staying here?"
Mihle: "No. I wouldn't leave you here."
We exchanged glances before he turned his
back on me, he leaned on the verandah wall and
groaned, I flinched.
I watched how his back was moving from
intense breathing, you can imagine my fear if he
was the one panicking this way
Me: "Ufuna ntoni la Bhuti kum? (What does that
guy want from me?)"
He stopped breathing for a second, I saw from
how his back stopped moving, he turned and
looked at me, anger and irritation filled his eyes.
I was hoping he'd speak of something light,
which I knew was unlikely to happen in this
gangster world of theirs but when he said...
"He wants you (long pause) in his bed."
I felt my heart stop for a second, I was shit
scared. Is that what he meant when he said I
was his target, he meant having me in his bed.
I was still looking at Mihle, he was staring back
at me. I was at loss for words, I didn&apos;t
know what to say and the way I was feeling at
that moment reminded me of the way I felt
when I was told my mother was no more,
eternal fear. I believe I must have looked all
sorts of scared while looking at him because
when he started shaking his head, asking me
not to cry, I knew I was expressing a different
than I usually do. He took steps towards me
and enveloped me in his arms, I wasn't even
aware that I was crying when I felt a tear make
contact with my lips. I laid my head on his
chest and let it out.
These type of things I laughed about when
seeing in movies, little did I know I'd experience
it, at such an early age, just when I had
finished mending myself emotionally.
Mihle: "Awundayo baby. You not going
anywhere."
I finished crying, my face still clung unto his
chest, his uniform was stained from my make
up but that wasn't our biggest concern now,
what was was my life. I encircled my hands
around his waist, under his jacket and held onto
him, I felt tears fill my eyes again when he
muttered "I'm sorry" softly before he kissed the
top of my head.
Around his arms I felt safe but that didn't mean
I was safe, that guy, whatever his name was
probably knew where I was and whom I was
with.
After a long moment of getting lost in his
cologne, he pulled back and cupped my face
with his hands, wandijonga (and looked at me).
His eyes stayed put on mine for some time
before he spoke
Mihle: "I'll have you away for awhile"
Me: "What? Ndizoyaphi? (Where will I go?)"
Mihle: "I'll take you to George, ku dabs wam (by
my aunt)"
I broke free from his arms and took the last
step back before my back hit the wall
Me: "What? No Mihle, can't you..."
He closed the space between us and made me
suck in a breath because of his closeness, if I
was not scared at that time, I would've probably
kissed him already
Mihle: "Just for a week, until I know that Cape
Town and Stellenbosch as a whole, are safe for
you then ndiyazithuba Mambhele (I humble
myself Mambhele). Allow me to take you to
George."
Me: "For how long?"
"Iveki (a week)"
I sighed and moved away from where I was
standing and around him, he turned and looked
at me. Now I had to meet his family under such
circumstances, when I was on the run, perfect
way of meeting your in laws.
Me: "Uzothi ndiyothini ku aunt yakho mna
iGeorge? (What will you tell your aunt about my
stay in George?)"
Mihle: "Ndizomxelela (I will tell her)"
Me: "Uba? (That?)"
He lifted his chin a bit and looked at me, I know
he felt like I was asking too many questions but
I needed to know
Mihle: "Uba uyafunwa (that you're wanted)"
Me: "What?! Akazophambana? (Won't she go
mad?)"
Mihle: "(chuckles) no, she knows."
Me: "Oh"
I relaxed a bit, he stopped furrowing his
eyebrows too and licked his lips
"Uzomthanda (you'll love her)"
Me: "Isn't she strict?"
Mihle: "Not in a million years."
I watched him pull out his phone from his
pocket and unlock it, I looked at it and smiled,
remembering that one time when I held it and
smelled it, along with his car keys when he had
left them on the table at Bellville
Me: "But I don't like this whole idea mna."
I was stomping my feet as I addressed him, he
moved towards me and brought me close into
his chest, using one arm, the other was holding
his phone against his ear
Mihle: "I know baby but bare with me."
He placed a kiss on my forehead, since I was
looking up at him then another on my nose,
causing me to blush...
"Dabawo."
Mihle: "Molo MaFhaku...ewe dabs."
He listened for a while and sighed before he
carried on
"Fhaku elihle ndinengxaki apha. I need to bring
umakoti wam apho...(chuckles)... No, hayi qha
kukho langxaki yam, so these bastards bafuna
umfaka kuyo and andirhaleli imchaphazele.
(Beautiful Fhaku, I have a problem here. I need
to bring my wife there...(chuckles)... No, no but
there's that problem of mine, so these bastards
want to involve her kuyo and I don't want it
affecting her.)"
He listened again and nodded, making
agreement sounds, he removed his arm from
around my shoulders and looked at me while
listening to his aunt. I was hoping she'd say no
or something because I honestly wasn't up for
this whole George thing
Mihle: "Friday. Just a week... Ewe MaFhaku...
Kodwa akazosiswa ndim, kukho some work
event endinayo mna. Okay."
He smiled before laughing, I couldn't help it
when I found myself smiling, it was a beautiful
sight when someone else made him either than
myself
"I love you too Dabawo. Bye."
He hung and blew me a kiss. I took his hand
which he extended to me and looked at it, the
contrast in our complexions, I believed I wasn't
that dark but he was yellow kaloku yena. He
came closer and looked at me, he had a
tendency of doing that and whenever he was
looking at me that way, I became shy and
blushed like an idiot.
He picked me up unexpectedly, so obviously I
screamed in between laughs, I encircled my
legs around his waist and he had his arm joined
together under my butt. My hands were in his
neck, rubbing a certain part there. I leaned in
and he welcomed my lips by running his wet
tongue on them before he took them in. The
kiss was slow and beautiful, it wasn't meant to
be seductive but because of the way he did
things, how his hands were now holding firmly
on my ass, how he continued brushing his
tongue gently on my bottom lip which was in
between his. I was enjoying it and I felt how my
nipples were suddenly rock hard under my bra.
He pulled back and looked at me, I hid my face
by laying it on his shoulder and sniffed in his
cologne, even though I was used to it,
wayenyisa ubaby wam (my baby did shit) when
it came to being clean and smelling good. I had
his other hand on his hair and I was digging on
it with my fingers, he tightened me in a hug and
groaned in satisfaction...
Me: "Aren't you giving me some tonight?"
I was not looking at him as I asked this, I still
had my head on his shoulder, he chuckled
Mihle: "Khandijonge (look at me)"
Me: "Hayi Mihle tshini (No Mihle)"
Mihle: "Please"
Me: "Hayi"
Mihle: "Then ndiyakuvimba (then I'm not giving
you some)"
I laughed and tried removing myself from his
arms but he wouldn't let me, instead he lifted
me further up so I'd place my legs around his
waist like I had them before.
"Look at me."
Me: "Okay fine"
I moved my head from his shoulder and faced
him but I had my eyes closed, still embarrassed
for always being horny. I opened them when he
kept quiet and said nothing, only to find him
with the widest smile ever, looking at me
Me: "What?"
Mihle: "Say that again."
Me: "Now? (giggles)"
He nodded, still smiling silly
Me: "Aren't you going to give me some of you
tonight?"
He ran his tongue on his bottom lip and stared
at him, he was probably looking at how my eyes
were racing from his lips to his eyes every
second
Mihle: "I gave you two days ago."
Me: "And I'll have the whole of next week
without you."
Mihle: "So what (pause) you want to cross
night?"
I giggled and shut my eyes, avoiding to look at
the smirk he had on his face. He chuckled
deeply before whispering
"Then I'll give myself all to you Mambhele."
I giggled, laying my head on his shoulder once
again, he lowered me and placed me on the
ground. We walked back inside and the frowns
and tension amongst the gents killed my smile
instantly
Bulelani: "Ntwana uyayazi mos uba akazokwazi
ubalapha for a while?(Boy you do know she
can't be here for a while?)"
Mihle: "Sele ndiyilungisile leyo groot man.
Nkulie uyandihambisela yena on Friday (I've
fixed that already groot man. Nkulie you'll drive
her for me on Friday.)"
Nkululeko: "Ndimsaphi? (where am I taking
her?)" Mihle: "George."
Nkulie nodded before he looked at me and
smiled, I faked a smile back at him. I trusted
him and he was a flexible person, that making
him easy to get along with but I had hoped my
man would be the one to drive me there. Mihle
took his car keys from where he had left them
and told his bros we were leaving, Bulelani
insisted sikhatshwe (we get escorted) until we
arrive at Belmar, he said they'd drive behind us
to make sure we safe but uMihle told them we'd
be fine and he knew the guy who was after me,
whom they wouldn't call by name, would never
approach me ekhona (while he's around.)

We arrived at Mihle's place to a grumpy

Nomthandazo. She was raging, questioning
Mihle about where we have been all this time,
why we'd step in the house at seven minutes to
eight when he came out at half four at work, we
couldn't answer her because she was throwing
tantrums like a mad kid. I failed to understand if
she couldn't read the stress which showed on
Mihle's face or she just didn't care what he was
feeling, as long as she got things to go the way
she wanted them to. Mihle sat on the single
couch he always used to closed his eyes, I
stood next to that couch and looked at
Nomthandazo who was now swearing under
her breath. Zizipho was in the kitchen, dishing
up, so I decided it would be better to go help
her than sit her watching my man die of stress
and his ex pulling faces. I stepped away from
the couch and began walking to the kitchen, I
was about four steps away from the couch
when Mihle asked...
"Uyaphi? (where you going?)"
I turned and looked at him, he was still on the
position, laying back on the couch with his eyes
shut. I looked at him and just when I was about
to answer, he opened them and looked at me
with that 'I'm talking' look
Me: "Ndiyoncedisa uZee in the kitchen (I'm
going to help Zee in the kitchen)"
He sat up, took his car keys and cellphone from
the table
Mihle: "Masiyohlamba (let's go bath)"
Me: "Can't we do that after eating?"
Mihle: "Zee? Zee!"
Zizipho: "Bhuti?"
Mihle: "Khawuvele (come through)"
Zizipho appeared within a matter of seconds,
holding a dishing spoon which was stained by
yellow rice
Zizipho: "Yes."
Mihle wasn't concentrating on Zizipho, he was
now looking at Nomthandazo who was still
mumbling a lot of shit. She never asked why we
came late, she just continued throwing
tantrums about it, making scenarios about her
having cramps yet we not around, in fact Mihle
is not around. I poked Mihle on the shoulder
and he turned and looked at me then at Zizipho,
not before he clicked his tongue
"Do you need any help ekitchen or ugrand?"
Zizipho: "Ngoba? (Why?)"
Mihle: "Ewe okanye hayi? (Yes or no?)"
Zizipho: "No, I'm okay"
Mihle: "Baby let's go ke."
Zizipho shrugged her shoulders and retreated
back to the kitchen, I was a few steps behind
Mihle when Nomthandazo asked in a cracky
voice
Nomthandazo: "Mihle do you even care about
me?"
He chuckled before he turned and looked at her,
she was up on her feet now, looking at him
Nomthandazo: "Do you even care that 'm
carrying our child? Why uzondiphatha okwenja?
(why are you treating me like a dog?)"
Mihle: "Nomthandazo andikho semoodin yale
kaka (I'm not in the mood for this shit.)"
He emphasized the not word. I was praying she
wouldn't answer him back because with the
look on his face, he was worked up by this, it's
been close to twenty minutes since we arrived
and he's been trying to ignore her but now he
couldn't
Nomthandazo: "You're not the man I fell in love
with."
Mihle: "You changed me."
He turned on his heel and I stood and looked at
her, I don't know what to do honestly, I always
hoped I would disappear whenever they were
having these conflicts zabo. Just right after I
turned around and took my first step towards
the passage, a loud sound of breaking glasses
echoed the room, causing me to scream and
turn to look instantly. The Samsung 55" FHD
Curved LED TV was smashed, the screen was
cracked as a whole and black now, on the floor
laid glasses of the brown vase which was on
the dark brown stand a few seconds ago. I was
still looking between Nomthandazo and the
television when Mihle stormed past me and
headed straight to her, Zizipho came from the
kitchen running and her mouth hanged open
when she saw the TV screen. I averted my gaze
from her to Mihle and Nomtha, a Nomthandazo
who looked a little scared now, Mihle was
asking her questions but I couldn't comprehend
what he was saying, I was about to call out his
name but I couldn't when his hand made
contact with her cheek. He kept on whispering
to her, she was holding her cheek and I thought
he was going to stop but he grabbed hold of her
weave in a fist and pressed her head against
wall. Absentmindedly I rushed towards them, I
could not watch him hurt her this way, I grabbed
his other hand which was holding her throat
tightly and tried loosening it...
Me: "Mihle you're killing her! Let her go! Mihle
ndiyakucela (I'm begging you)"
I struggled on with his hand and watched how
Nomthandazo's eyes were filling with tears, she
was running low on breath, she needed some
air. I freed Mihle's hand and stepped back,
shaking and scared, he kept on yelling "uyevha
Nomthandazo?" at her but she couldn't answer
because he had his hand on her throat. In a
shaky voice and body, I tried begging him one
more time
Me: "Please Mihle. Uzombulala (you'll kill her)"
He finally removed his hand from her throat
then the hand on her hair followed, she dropped
to the floor, coughing painfully. He was still
looking at her, his whole body moved every
second he inhaled and exhaled. My eyes were
filled with tears, I wasn't crying from anything
else but fear. He slowly took two steps back,
with his eyes still on her but he stopped when
he noticed me standing there looking at him,
the worry on his face when he looked at me
shock me, you can't tell me this guy didn't
notice me standing there all this time. Where
were his senses when I was begging him to
stop?
His breathing was dropping slowly with every
second his eyes were on me, he kept his eyes
on me before he punched the wall and
screamed
"Fuck!"
He looked at me, his eyes widened in both
anger and shook and when he looked at
Nomthandazo again, chuckling, I knew he was
going to blame her for this. He shook his finger
at her then shook his head before he squatted
in front of her, he grabbed her roughly by the
neck and brought her close to whisper
something into her ear, she hissed when he
held her neck and shut her eyes as he carried
on talking. He let her go after a few seconds
then stepped towards me, I took a few steps
back and made contact with the wall then
flinched as he tried touching me, I was still in
shock but the look on his face didn't understand
that, as a result he stopped his hand before it
could touch me...
Mihle: "You weren't supposed to see that."
I was looking at his chest, fidgeting with my
feet and fingers. He took another step and
closed the gap between us, he placed each of
his hands on my sides and sighed
"You weren't supposed to see that"
Me: "It's okay."
I lied, it wasn't okay but because of shock I felt
like that was the only thing I could master at
that moment
Mihle: "Ndijonge (look at me)"
I didn't look up at him immediately so he
grabbed me by the chin and tilted my head, I
had my eyes closed and was stopping myself
from crying. He placed his forehead on mine
and shook his head every now and then
Mihle: "I only did that because ndinomsindo
Nana (I'm angry Nana)."
I removed my forehead from his and looked to
the side, he pressed his head on mine for a
while before he cupped my face and made me
look at him. His eyes were still red, his
forehead was still veined and his eyebrows
moved every second, he was still fuming.
Mihle: "Say something."
I had my hands on his belt, in fact on the hooks
of his pants, he was still dressed in his uniform.
He captured a tear which left my right eye with
his thumb and looked at me, his eyes were
searching for mine because I couldn't look at
him now. He repeated himself, asking me to say
something but out of all the things I could say,
one out stood them all, so I said it...
"Andikuthembi (I don't trust you.)"
He freed my face and looked at me, hurt.
Anybody could have seen it, just that one word
did more damage than I thought it would but I
was being honest.

He had told me he changed, that he doubted

he'd ever lay a hand on a woman again but
tonight he almost killed one, one who was
carrying his child so ndandingubani mna (so
who was I)?
140th Entry

Mihle
"Andikuthembi (I don't trust you.)"
I looked at her and felt my head spin for a
second, I wanted something to balance on but
decided I wasn't going to be a pussy about that
so I freed her face and took a few steps back.
I'm not the time to undergo the mixed emotions
shit because I prefer blocking out anything
which will affect me negatively but when she
said this I felt angry, hurt, betrayed, sick and all
sorts of negative instantly. I somehow wished
she'd take it all back and tell me she was joking
but she didn't, I knew she wouldn't. She kept her
eyes on me and waited for me to say something,
while I on the other hand was a wrecking ball
waiting to explode. The more I kept my eyes on
her, the more I took in what she said, as an
insult. I chuckled, at that moment I don't know
what caused that, most probably irritation or
anger but I do know I chuckled before I turned
and faced my sister who had were eyes bulging
out of their sockets...
"Yintoni lena?"
She questioned. I wasn't about to answer that
because my mind wasn't on that, it was on the
woman who just revealed her non-existing trust
towards me. By now Nomthandazo was already
up, she too was looking at me, waiting for me to
answer Zizipho. I turned around and faced
Aphindiwe again, she wanted to say something
but swallowed her words because she opened
her mouth but didn't talk
Me: "Masiyothetha eroomini (let's go talk in the
bedroom)"
She stood still and looked at me, I narrowed my
eyes, waiting for her to make a movement but
she didn't, she remained put so I stormed over
to her in three long strides causing her to take a
step backwards but I grabbed hold of her wrist
before she could take the other. When she tried
breaking free I tightened my grip and she hissed
in pain, still not moving her feet
Me: "Aphindiwe?"
She snapped her eyes from her wrist to my face,
she had that cheeky face on
Aphindiwe: "Uyandilimaza (you're hurting me)"
I loosened my hold on her but didn't let her go
like she wanted me to, I still had my eyes
narrowed at her. I was trying to work on my
anger and I knew the only way how, was if I'd
sleep it off but not until I had a clear
understanding of what this young lady had said.
I began walking towards the bedroom and she
followed me, without me having to drag her. We
stepped into my bedroom and I closed the door,
she was standing in the middle of the room,
looking at me. I clenched my jaws and closed
my eyes, I was trying a way of calming my
nerves because I didn't want to yell or scare her
even more. By the time I opened my eyes and
sighed, she had hers narrowed at me, marking
my every move...
Me: "Yintoni le ungayithembiyo kum? (What
don't you trust from me?)"
She raised her eyebrows and muttered a
"Mhuh?" I did ask in a low tone, so I received my
voice a little high this time
"Yintoni le ungayithembiyo apha kum? (What is
it that you don't trust from me?)"
Aphindiwe: "Your anger"
She whispered that, I took note of her bottom
lip that was shaking
Me: "Andikuva Aphindiwe (I can't hear you
Aphindiwe)"
Aphindiwe: "Your anger! Umsindo wakho okay?!
(Your anger okay?!)"
Me: "You don't trust that I told you I'd never lay a
hand on you?"
Aphindiwe: "I'm a woman Mihle and you just laid
a hand on another woman so what would
mak..."
Me: "UnguAphindiwe (You're Aphindiwe)"
She kept and looked at me, her lips parted a
little.
"UnguAphindiwe."
I repeated myself because I wanted it to sink in,
I wanted her to understand why I had promised
her that, why I made a vow to myself that I
would lay a hand on her.
Aphindiwe: "But that doesn't give you the right
to hit omnye umntana (the other child)"
Her tone was back to her soft voice, she
sounded like she was begging me once again
Me: "Bendinomsindo (I was angry)"
Aphindiwe: "Is that what you'd do to..."
I shook my head before she could finish her
sentence, she stopped talking. I walked over to
her and placed a kiss on her forehead before I
enveloped my arms around her body and
brought her in, this isn't how I imagined this
night stretching out, it wasn't how I saw myself
feeling. I pulled back and walked towards the
bed where I threw my cellphone and car keys
which were now in my pocket. I took off the
badges which were on my shirt and placed
them on the bed too, then took off the shirt,
leaving my vest on. She was standing against
the hairdresser looking at me, and for the first
time her look was unreadable, I didn't know
what she was thinking of me but I knew I didn't
like it because she wasn't relaxed. I,
nonetheless left the room like I had planned to
and headed to the lounge where Nomthandazo
was kneeling, still crying
Me: "I'll clean them"
She snapped her head at me and kept still for a
while
"Ziyeke (leave them). I'll clean them."
She didn't move from where she was kneeling
but looked at me as I knelt besides her, she
used her forearm to dry her eyes, I was looking
at her at the corner of my eye hoping she'd get
up and leave me to myself for a while. I
gathered a few glasses before she got up and
headed to the kitchen, she returned with the
sweeping brush and the dust pan, she handed
them so I could clean the broken glasses
properly. My irritation was growing again by
second because all I was worried about was
having harmed my child and the lady who was
in my bedroom probably convinced that I was a
murderer. I cleaned the place spotless and
emptied the bin afterwards, when I was outside
I didn't step back inside immediately, I took a
moment to myself and took note of the
changes Aphindiwe was bringing in me. I've
never felt this obliged to impressing and
pleasing a girl before, I knew I loved her but this
type of love was crazy. If you've heeded, I was
bad at this explaining thing and that's because I
never explained myself to any of the woman I've
dated before and what made it strange, she
was the youngest I've done. I chuckled and
leaned on the big black bin that was outside,
where I threw my full black plastic bags, it didn't
make any sense to me.
I walked back inside and found my sister fixing
a tray for me in the kitchen, I knew that because
of the glass of grape juice that was on the tray...
"Kugqume Zee, ndizokutya ngomso (cover it
Zee, I'll eat tomorrow)"
Zizipho: "Awulambanga? (Aren't you hungry?)"
Me: "I just need some sleep ngoku."
I grabbed the glass of juice and downed it
before I placed the empty glass on the sink, I
gave her a side hug as I walked past her, to my
bedroom. In my bedroom Aphindiwe wasn't
there but her clothes were ontop of the bed, and
from the smell of Detol soap, I knew she was in
the bathroom bathing. I took of my vest and
pulled off my pants, socks then grabbed my
large towel and toiletry bag and went to the
shower. The view I had from the shower was
my woman laying on the bath tub, with her eyes
closed, all she kept on doing every now and
then was to fill up the tub with hot water. I
stepped out of the shower when I was done, the
towel around my waist. I was now standing at
the sink brushing my teeth and Phindi was still
in the tub, with her eyes closed, humming some
song to herself. I scooped a few drops of cold
water and threw them at her, she shot up from
where she was laying, causing some water to
leave the tub and spill on the floor...
"Fuck!"
Me: "Language kwam (in my house)"
Aphindiwe: "What was that for?"
Me: "You been in there forever. Nabanye
bazofuna uhlamba (others will want to bath
too)"
She pulled that silly face which children do a lot
before she looked at the water that spilt on the
floor
Aphindiwe: "Umsebenzi wakho (your work)"
Me: "Uzondosulela mos (you'll wipe it for me)"
She didn't answer but just looked at me, since I
was done, I grabbed my toiletry bag and walked
out. She stepped into the bedroom a few
minutes after and found me laying on my bed,
in my Markham's boxer shorts, with a lot on my
mind. I opened my eyes when she closed the
door but didn't look at her, I stared at the ceiling
I been looking at a few minutes before I had my
eyes closed. I heard her open the wardrobe and
close after a while then she came and
positioned herself between my legs. I didn't
move for a change but waited for her to do
something, whatever she could do because I
knew she wasn't going to stand there and gawk
at me. In my mind, I thought she would find a
way to get ontop of me and lay on my chest but
when she traced my manhood through my
boxers, ndavele ndavanda (I became cold
instantly.) She moved her other hand to the
band of what I called my underwear and not
boxers and tried removing it, that's when I
grabbed her hand, as horny as I was getting by
second, I wouldn't make love to her while this
frustrated, I would fuck her and do things to her
I wasn't supposed to do.
Me: "Not namhlanje."
Aphindiwe: "What's wrong?"
Me: "After what happened elounge,
andikhusemdleni (I'm not in the mood)"
I was sitting on my butt now, with her between
my legs. She nodded, I encircled my arms
around her waist and brought her close, my
face reached the region of her breasts so I laid
my head there and welcomed her soft touch on
my head. One of my hands was drawing circles
on her back and the further I went to her butt
cheeks the more quicker her heart was beating
against my head. When I pushed my hand under
her shorts, from the bottom, and lifted it up to
expose her butt cheek, she tightened her arms
around which were on my neck. I knew what
that meant and the way her body was reacting
to my touch was getting me excited so I
stopped, I removed my arms from around her
and pushed her a little backwards so I'd find
some space to stand. I stood in front of her and
cupped her face to kiss her, before I placed
another kiss on her forehead
"Awuzi'zotya? (Aren't you coming to eat?)"
She asked when she saw me placing the
continental pillow on my side by the couch
Me: "No."
She gave me the 'I want to say something' look
but refrained from it
Aphindiwe: "Okay, ungalali ndingeka buyi (don't
sleep before I come back)"
Me: "I'll wait."
She walked to the door and stepped out, closed
it and left me staring at it cluelessly. I knew in
this state I was the worst of companies, I had a
lot on my mind and the stress was playing its
part in my mood. Maybe my life was cursed, my
relationship with Aphindiwe because we
couldn't be happy and at peace for more than a
month, before something would come
threatening to tear us apart and for me it was
frustrating because I felt I was the reason
behind all this bullshit. I was not the type who
believed in slaughtering sheep and cows to ask
the ancestors for guidance but since it was
what I was taught and how I was groomed, it
crossed my mind that maybe I should do it.
Ndenze isiko and ask abaphantsi (to a
ceremony and ask the ancestors) to give me
direction. I chuckled, thinking about it sounded
ridiculous. I turned over and laid on my stomach,
I needed to drag myself to sleep because if I
didn't my brain would crack from thinking.

I was at that phase where you're half asleep,

half awake, that stage when you're just a step
away from sleep when I felt a weight on my
back then a kiss on my ear
Aphindiwe: "You promised not to sleep until
ndibuye (I'm back)"
Me: "What took you so long?"
Aphindiwe: "Bendihlamba izitya (I was washing
the dishes)"
I attempted turning and groaned during the
process, she giggled, laying the side of her face
on the side of mine with our cheeks attached.
Aphindiwe: "Ndiyasinda? (Am I heavy?)"
Me: "Kakhulu (a lot)"
Aphindiwe: "That's rude"
Me: "(chuckles) but you asked nje."
Aphindiwe: "Iyafana noba ingathi uthi ndityebile
(it's the same as saying I'm fat)"
Me: "Ndithe uyasinda not utyebile (I said you're
heavy not fat)"
Aphindiwe: "Kusinda into enkulu nje (what's
heavy is something big)"
I chuckled while shaking her off my back, she
laid on my side and gave me a second to lay on
my side too. Her eyes were all over my exposed
body parts, from my face to my arms, to my
chest then to my lips, I waited until she looked
at me again. When our eyes made contact she
giggled, covering her face
Me: "Look at me."
Gently, I removed her hand from her face and
held it in mine, she kept her eyes on me
Me: "Phaya kwa dabs I want you to stay indoors.
I'm not saying that scary guy will be around but
ndiyakucela babe just for that week,
ungaphumi."
Aphindiwe: "When are you fetching me?"
Me: "During the weekend. Either Saturday or
Sunday."
Aphindiwe: "It's going to be a long week."
Me: "I know. But to keep yourself busy, you'll
have to take your study material with."
She averted her eyes from mine to my chest, I
moved closer and placed a kiss on her forehead
before I jumped off the bed to go lock the door
and switch off the light. The bedside lamps
were on and brough some light into the room.
When I was in bed again, I switched off my
bedside lamp but she left hers on since she
was still looking on my side. We had a few
romantic chats before she started yawning
ridiculously
Me: "Uyozela (you're drowsy)"
Aphindiwe: "I'm tired."
Me: "Let's sleep Nana"
Aphindiwe: "(giggles) uzokubetha Utata wena
(my father will hit you)"
Me: "uBig guy?"
She giggled, turning to switch off her lamp. I
placed an arm around her waist and pulled her
closer, then placed a kiss on her shoulder
"Goodnight Mambhele."
Aphindiwe: "Goodnight babe."

I woke up at something to seven, when

Aphindiwe was the one who shook me out of
sleep, with my eyes furrowed and my eyes still
heavy from sleep I looked at her...
Aphindiwe: "Aren't you working today?"
Me: "No zirehearsals namhlanje (No, it's
rehearsals today)"
She pulled the comforter a little over her head
and draw some circles on my chest. I extended
my arm and took my phone next to the lamp, I
needed to tell captain that I wouldn't be around
for rehearsals so I needed my speech emailed
to me. I dialed his number but it sent me
straight to voicemail so I reached for the office
telephone and after a couple of rings he picked
up...
"Western Cape Navy head offices, good
morning."
Me: "Sir, it's your wing man here."
He chuckled before I heard him sip on
something, it must have been coffee
Captain: "Yes wing man, calling to tell me you
not coming in?"
Me: "Unfortunately yes sir."
Captain: "It's just three hours of the day you lazy
cow"
Me: "You spoilt me too much (laughs)"
Captain: "(chuckles) but please do me a favour,
do come through to collect your envelope. The
speech is printed out already."
Me: "Alright captain, thank you"
He hung up. I loved this white man, in honesty I
don't think I'd tolerate another boss either than
him. He understood me way better, he knew I
never stayed away from work unless something
was wrong and if I were late at anytime, I
covered up for those hours which is he relaxed
most of the time. Right now, the thing that
wasn't taking me to work was driving Aphindiwe
to George myself, I knew I had said Friday but I
felt I needed to take her there myself and make
sure she was safe.
Me: "Babe I'm dropping you off today."
She removed the comforter and looked at me,
her lips parted a little
Aphindiwe: "What? But why?"
Me: "Ingathi ungayobekwa ndim Bhelekazi (I
want to be the one to drop you off Bhelekazi) so
I can know you safe and ngomso (tomorrow)
you know I'm unavailable."
Aphindiwe: "Yoh Ha.a shame"
Me: "Babe singakhe silinge sixatyaniswe yilento
(Babe we mustn't dare fight about this)"
Aphindiwe: "Kodwa ubuthe ndihamba Friday.
The next thing uzondilanda Tuesday (But you
said I'm leaving Friday. The next thing you'll
fetch me Tuesday)"
Me: "I won't"
Aphindiwe: "Mxm."
She turned and faced the other side, she
removed my hand which I placed on her waist
and moved further away causing me to move
closer until she was at the edge of the bed and
her back against my chest
Me: "We not getting up until you stop being
mad"
Aphindiwe: "Then we'll stay here all day."
Me: "Siqumbelene? (Mad at each other?)"
Aphindiwe: "Ucinga ntoni wena? (What do you
think?)"
I placed a kiss on her shoulder while my hand
made its way under her vest, she removed it the
first but didn't stop me when I pushed it in the
second time
Me: "I was thinking maybe I can..."
I gently took her earlobe in between my teeth
and ran the tip of my tongue on it while my
thumb made contact with her nipple. She
gasped, the sexiness of her tone every time she
did that blew me away, I cupped her breast as I
turned her so I could find her lips. I turned her
around and positioned myself between her legs
while kissing her, her right nipple was still
between my thumb and index finger. I pulled
back from kiss and looked at her, she had her
eyes closed and took her bottom lip between
her teeth immediately, I hadn't done anything
yet but she was a blazing flame. I draw circles
around her left nipple with my wet tongue and
did the same on the right nipple, sucking on
them. I ran my tongue down her tummy and got
to her belly ring, I didn't want to disturb it so I
moved further down and placed a kiss on top of
the waistband of her shorts. Every time I
lowered the shorts and her panties, I placed a
kiss until she had them off. I ran my hands on
her thighs as I was looking at her womanhood
which I knew I couldn't wait to have but I
wanted to tease her first for the moved up and
found her lips again. Our kisses never failed
having us panting and getting me hard, what
made me more hard was how she lifted her
waist every time so her womanhood would
slightly touch my manhood. I ran my tongue on
her bottom and asked in a husky yet soft tone
"Ufuna ndikwenzeni?"
Aphindiwe: "Mhuh?"
I traced her clit with my thumb and draw circles
around while watching her, it amused me how
such a small organ had so much affect on a
woman, when touched right. I withdrew my
thumb and asked her again
Me: "UFuna ndikwenzeni baby?"
Aphindiwe: "Touch me."
Her voice was low, I swear if we had music
playing in this room I would have never heard
her
Me: "Where?"
I placed a kiss on her lips and asked when my
hand was on her clit
"Here?"
She didn't answer but bit her lips, I lowered my
hand and found her pussy hole, her breathing
increased before I could even push my middle
finger in. Simultaneously when I pushed it in,
deeper I question
"Or here?"
Aphindiwe: "Ahh"
I pulled it out gently and kissed her again, that
seductive kiss again before I pulled back and
moved my finger to her ass, she gasped and
waited for me to push in a finger, her one hand
was tightening my bicep while the other was
around my neck. Her breathing was insane, she
was panting and with the way her face glow I
knew she liked this
Me: "Look at me"
She took her time opening those small eyes
which were now even way smaller, she looked
straight into the eyes
Me: "Keep your eyes on me evha?"
She nodded once and watched me. I positioned
my middle with her anus and pressed it in, the
change in her face made me want to keep her, it
made me want to protect her, to have her all to
myself. I pushed it in deeper and the deeper I
went the more wider she spread her right leg
and the more deeper her nails sank in on the
skin on my arm. I pulled it out when it was half
way and pushed it in again, in full length, at
once
"Fuuuuu Gawddd dammit!"
I found her lips and kissed her, the animal in me
was triggered, it wanted to attack but I knew
this wasn't the woman for that kind of sex so I
had to take a moment and calm my nerves.

It was twenty-three minutes past two when we

drove out of Belmar to George. I was driving
Bulelani's Jeep wrangler and had left him with
my car, Nkululeko, my sister and Aphindiwe
were with me and Nomthandazo decided to
spend the weekend at her home so I had to
drop her off first. The trip was nerve wrecking
only because I couldn't get its cause out off my
mind, but if getting her away was the only way
of keeping her safe then I'd have her fly oceans
to remain untouched.
141st Entry

Aphindiwe

On our way out of Mihle's place we drove to his

workplace first because he did say he had
something to fetch there. In the car I wasn't as
down spirited as I thought I would be, and I
believe that had to do with him asking Zizipho
to come with me, so at least I wasn't going to
be alone. At the back of my mind, somewhere,
the reason why we were on this road hit me
every once in awhile, and it brought uncertainty
to me because my worry was having my dad
find out that I had to be kept on the run for
safety reasons. I couldn't worry any less about
Nomthandazo because she was crock, I knew
Mihle told me not to worry about her because
she didn't know I was going to George but I
couldn't help but worry that she would
somehow find out. If it wasn't for her pregnancy
I would've worried more than I am because that
would mean a weekend at Belmar for her then
she'd want to know why I was heading to
George when I happened to be so excited about
the aircraft show not so long ago. Mihle wasn't
saying much on the road, he was concentrated
on driving, the only time he spoke was when
Nkulie asked him something during the
conversation he was having with Zizipho. I kept
on passing glances at my man because
andimazi ethula kangaka but everytime he
caught me looking at him, he just smiled
thinking he was assuring me that he's okay, but
I knew he wasn't. We came to a stop at Sasol
garage that was still around Cape Town where
we had the fuel tank filled and bought a couple
of things we'd need. I needed the bathroom so I
was standing on the line, behind three women
waiting for the next available toilet. I presume it
was two minutes before I stepped out off the
restroom back to the store, Mihle was standing
at the till now, talking on his phone. Zizipho and
Nkululeko were still having a good laugh
conversation, so I decided to walk over to my
man and help him carry what he had bought.
From standing besides him and picking on a
few words from his phone call conversation, I
was convinced he was talking to Bulelani but he
ended the call before I could pick up on what it
was about. He looked at me before he placed
his arm around my waist and brought me closer
to him, he placed a kiss on the top of my head
while he pressed the pin of his card on the
speed point...
Mihle: "Akhonto oyifunayo? (Isn't there you
want?)"
Me: "Azikho right ezi uzithengileyo? (Aren't the
ones you bought enough?)"
Mihle: "Awundiphenduli sthandwa sam (you're
not answering me my love)"
I shook my head at him
Mihle: "Is that a no?"
Me: "(giggles) ewe Fhaku, it's a no."
The woman at the teller packed everything in a
plastic except for the two bottles, still water and
Mango flavored Krush which I carried...
Mihle: "Nkulie don't get too comfortable nja yam,
that's still my little sister"
Zizipho: "Ndizoyeka nini uba little kanene?
(When will I stop being little again?)"
She quoted the little term with her hands as she
questioned her brother
Mihle: "Kum? (To me?) Never."
Nkululeko: "Hayi bhuda, khululeka (No bhuda,
relax), we just exchanging harmless words"
Mihle: "I hope so."
Me: "Thank God I don't have an older brother"
Mihle: "(chuckles) ndikhona (I'm here)"
Not catching his phrase, I raised my eyebrows
at him, he looked at me whilst bringing the car
to life
"For you I come in a form of a lover, a brother
and a second father figure."
Me: "(laughs) what?! Awukwazi kaloku, I can't
handle so many of you sendixakwe nguwe as a
boyfriend alone (what?! You can't, I can't handle
so many of you when I already can't handle you
as a boyfriend alone.)"
Mihle: "Nditheni mna?(what do I do?)(chuckles)"
Me: "I feel like I'm dating two people ngawe qha
(with you alone)"
Mihle: "(chuckles) And uzoyigcina injalo right,
awufuni ndibeyi four in one (and you'll keep it
that way right, you don't want me to be four in
one)"
Me: "No, I'm okay with two in one."
He chuckled again before he held my cheek
with his thumb and index finger, brought me
close and gave me a baby kiss
Zizipho: "Ndibukele indlela kemna so le
romance is blocking my view (I'm watching the
road so this romance is blocking my view)"
Me: "Hayi Zee."
Zizipho: "Yintoni ntombazana? Kaloku umntu
wakho unomona, akayifunu ihappiness
kwabanye abantu (What is it girl? That's
because your man is jealous, he doesn't want to
see happiness on other people)"
Me: "That's not true, akakhonjalo uMihle (Mihle
isn't like that)"
Nkululeko: "(chuckles) uthi uyatyholwa Phindi
(you saying he's being accused Phindi)"
Me: "Tshini ndisivha Nkulie, hayi andikwazi
uthula kaloku (hey while I still hear Nkulie, no I
can't keep quiet)"
Nkululeko: "Bhuda, mgcine (keep her)"
He looked at me and smiled, that smile which
revealed his dimple
Mihle: "I got her"
I couldn't help but blush, causing Zizipho to clap
her hands and making sounds, that made the
situation even worse because I began smiling
sheepishly and covering my face, there were
also a couple of giggles here and there...
Zizipho: "(laughs) hayi sana iyakunyumbaza
lento (heeee girl, this is tickling you)"
Me: "(laughs) zizimbo zoba happy (it's funny
styles of being happy)"
I rolled my eyes afterwards, before looking at
Mihle, he had one hand on the steering wheel
and the other which he was using to change the
gear had a chicken wing. I understood the
fascination over these wings, Sasol made the
wings ever after KFC of course. He passed me
the half eaten chicken wing and changed the
gear, I ate that and handed him a full one. The
first two hundred kilometres on the road turned
out fun until exhaustion took over me so I asked
Nkululeko to make some space for me so I
could lower my chair and find a more
comfortable position to nap in. When my chair
was lowered in a way that was right for both
Nkulie and I, I forced myself to sleep.
I was disturbed from my sleep by the cold wind
which made contact with my face, rubbing my
eyes I attempted on sitting up. The driver's door
was open, as well as the two at the back, I
continued rubbing my eyes to clear my vision.
By the look off things we were still on the road
but I was alone in the car so I looked outside
and the first person who came into sight was
Zizipho stretching, then I saw Mihle taking a
piss a little further from where Zizipho was
standing. I opened my door and stepped out too
just to stretch my legs...
"Wide and awake."
I looked at Nkululeko from where he was
standing, he was taking a smoke, leaning
against the car
Me: "Thanks to you guys for leaving the car
doors open."
Nkululeko: "Hayi uyalala marn nawe. Siphantse
safika ulele (No but you sleep hey. We almost
arrived with you fast asleep)"
Me: "How much time left until we get there?"
Nkululeko: "About 70 something, nhe Miles?"
Mihle: "Inoba they're less kodwa ngoku (most
probably they're less now though), the last
board we passed read 77."
I yawned, staring at Mihle, he was walking
towards me, pressing his phone. He stood in
front of me at the exact moment he placed his
phone on his ear, I stood on my tippy toes trying
to reach his height...
"Baby sis."
Mihle: "Molo MaFhaku, uphi uDabs? (Hello
MaFhaku, where's aunt?) Give her the phone.
Hayi khanike uDabs iphone Phumla, tshini
lomntana (No give aunt the phone Phumla, wow
this kid.)"
He chuckled afterwards and waited for a while, I
pulled a face at him and laughed when he
returned it
"Dabawo wam. Molo MaFhaku wam. Ewe
mama. Dabs sinento epha kwi 60 Km sifike, so
ndicela ubuza ikhona into enizoyifuna etown
ndizokwazi udlula ngayo? (Aunt wam. Hello
MaFhaku wam. Yes mom. Aunt we have about
60 km until we arrive, so can I ask is there
anything you'll need in town so I pass with it?).
Okay, alright ke Fhakukazi."
By the time he ended his call I was about four
feet away from him, looking at the view which
was unfamiliar to me, the new environment I
was finding myself in. He stepped closer and
ripped his arms around my waist, holding me
tightly until I felt my back attached to his waist
with every muscle. I was on my tippy toes
because I wanted to make things easier for him
when he's holding me this way or else he'd have
to bend more than he was doing now. He kissed
my cheek from the side before taking my
earlobe in his teeth, giggling I tried pulling back
but instead he swung me around with my feet
hanging...
Me: "(laughing) Baby haaayi!"
He was laughing too, attempting to tickle me so
I'd stop hiding my ear by tilting my head like I
was doing. He finally placed me on the ground,
panting and laughing, I took a few steps from
him and watched him bent, placing his hands
on his knees...
Mihle: "Gosh, uyasinda Mambhele (Gosh, you're
heavy Mambhele)"
Me: "Tshotsho! That's what you get for trying to
bite my ear."
Mihle: "(chuckles) you make me feel like I'm
nineteen but my body tells me umntu is
approaching thirty"
Me: "Ulixhego (You're a granddad)"
He stood upright and smirked, that type of
smile he did when he was about to say
something silly or when he was going to do
something really naughty
Mihle: "And you prefer me this way."
Me: "(giggles) why you coming close?"
Mihle: "Aren't I allowed to come close to my
woman nah?"
Me: "Not now (giggles) first erase that look on
your face"
Mihle: "(chuckles) what look?"
"Leyo (that one)"
I said pointing his face, he chuckled again
before pulling a straight face
Mihle: "I just want a kiss that's it."
I took small steps towards him and the way he
was looking at me made feel some anxiety
because he was looking at me like if he'd talk
he would say something which probably make
me cry from joy
"Nkuhanjwa nini?! (When are we leaving?!)"
Nkululeko asked from where he was standing,
stepping over his finished cigarette
Mihle: "Ngoku ntwana yam (Now my boy)"
He lowered his height and encircled his arms
around me before he picked me up, my feet
leaving the ground, he walked with me in his
arms towards the passenger door. When he
came to a stop he didn't put me down
immediately but gave me a baby kiss first on
my lips and side of my neck then placed me on
the ground. I opened the car door blushing, the
way he made me feel was incredible, it was all
from the way he made me smile to how he
made sure I was smiling the whole time.
After driving off from where we had stopped for
almost fifteen minutes, we went to town, it
wasn't what I had expected to be honest, it
wasn't really a big town compared to the towns
I've been to. The first thing we did was to stop
at a mall and purchase a couple of things at
Checkers then we rushed off to the nearest
chisa nyama we could find to braai some meat,
that obviously took a while and had us leaving
that place at around past 6 in the evening. As
we drove to his aunt's place, Zee was the only
one who was excited and making conversation
with her brother who kept on staring at me,
taking in how nervous I was. He placed his hand
on my thigh and squeezed it, faking a smile so I
too returned a fake one. From where his aunt
lived, it wasn't far from town, it was
approximately a ten minute drive when the road
was traffic free. We came to a stop infront of a
yard with those long stop-nonsense walls, and a
gate which only showed way through the
garage door, Zizipho jumped off to open the
gate and we drove in. It was right before we got
out off the car when a lady who looked not
older than Mihle but not so young either walked
out of the door in a dark green skirt and a green
shirt which was scorched, and sleepers. It was
evident that she worked at Nedbank.
The first thing she did was to walk to Mihle's
door and wait for him to open it, then she
literally jumped on him, her skirt rising from her
thighs and butt, he groaned, catching her
however...
"Uzile nalanto (Did you bring that thing?)"
Mihle: "Ye ntwana uyaziqonda uyasinda mos?
(Dude you do know you heavy right?)"
She got off him then looked at him in a manner
is asking the question again but only using a
facial expression
Mihle: "Ya ndiyiphethe ntwana (yes I brought it
dude)"
She passed her eyes on me then at Zizipho who
was pressing her phone not far from the gate,
then she spoke
"Thixo wam lilapha eligeza. Ntwana ufunani
lomntana apha? (My Lord, this crazy one is here.
Mihle what's this kid doing here?)"
Zizipho: "Ndihlala eKapa girl (I stay in Cape
Town girl)"
"Hayi khame ndibulise abantu endingabaziyo.
(No wait, let me go greet the people I don't
know)"
She walked over to Nkululeko, greeted and
introduced herself then came over to me, did
the
same before she walked over to Zizipho and
hugged her, kissing her all over her face...
"So Uthi wenzani eKapa? (So you said what you
doing at Cape Town?)"
They walked towards the house empty-handed,
causing Mihle to yell at them to come back and
help us carry the things which were in the car,
that being my bags, ezika Zizipho, nezanto
sasizithenge eCheckers. The house was a
normal sized house, three bedroom, one
bathroom, one toilet, kitchen and lounge. The
lounge space was divided into two, for the
sitting room and the dining room, it was normal
furnished and clean...
Mihle: "Uphi umama? (Where's mom?)"
Sisi Phumla: "Is that all you care about nah?
Hayi sundidika Mihle, awutsho noba ntwana
unjani, kunjani emsebenzini? (No don't bore me
Mihle, you don't even ask dude how are you,
how's work ?)"
I couldn't help but laugh at that and I wasn't the
only one who found it funny
Mihle: "Awunamzi kaloku wena ntwana, kukwa
dabs Apha (you don't have a place dude, this is
aunt's place) so I need to know where the lady
of the house at."
Sisi Phumla: "Out. I think kwi meeting yecawe (I
think to a church meeting)"
Mihle: "Ubuya nini? (When does she come
back?)"
Sisi Phumla: "Inoba phaya ngo 8 (maybe around
8)"
Mihle: "Niyiphekile ipapa? (Did you cook the
pap?)"
Sisi Phumla: "Ewe and uyamazi umamakho,
wathi mandenze nesalads (yes and yo know
your mother, she even said I must make
salads)"
She said that getting up from where she was
sitting, she walked towards the kitchen but
stopped when she got to the entrance
"Zee nawe Phindi khanize girls nizondincedisa
(Zee and you Phindi please come help me
girls)"
I got up first and had Zizipho follow after me,
we went to the kitchen with her and helped her
with warming the foods and dishing up, through
it all she was questioning me about my
relationship with Mihle and mostly she was
concerned about my age and if I knew what I
was getting myself in. Even though the
questions sort of made me feel uncomfortable I
knew I had to answer her, I was in a way obliged
to it because I was under her mother's roof to
save my life, so I went with flow. She was a cool
person regardless so I didn't mind even though I
knew at some point her and Dabawo would
discuss my relationship with Mihle. Getting the
food ready took us forever because Zizipho and
sisi Phumla were also using their hands to talk,
in between their conversations I learned that
they actually have almost a year without seeing
each other, so I understood their excitement. I
was standing at the sink rinsing the spoons and
glasses when the kitchen door opened and a
woman who looked to be in her late 40s walked
in wearing a church uniform, carrying a handbag
with a Bible and car keys, she looked surprised
as she closed the door...
"Yini sgadagada sika mamakhe, ulapha nawe?
(Wow, her mother's sgadagada, you're here
too?)"
Zizipho: "Hayi Dabs ndandithe andilifuni
eligama (No dabs, I said I don't want that
name)"
She laughed opening her arms for Zizipho, they
hugged and shared a baby kiss, she turned and
looked at me
Dabawo: "Molo nawe mntanam (Hello to you
too my child)"
I extended my hand to give her a hand shake
but she pulled me in a hug and kissed me as
well<br>
Dabawo: "Wase wandigezela apha, ufuna
undibulisa ukwe Ndoda (You being silly here,
wanting to greet me like a man)"
I giggled, she was smiling too before she asked
me
"Unjani kodwa sisi? (How are you though?)"
Me: "Ndiyaphila Dabs akhonto unjani wena? (I'm
good dabs, how are you?)""
Dabawo: "Ndiyaphila nam mntanam. Uphi
unyana wam? (I'm good too my child. Where's
my son?)"
Zizipho: "Tshini uyaphapha Phindi, nawe ngoku
sele ujoine ku dabs? (You're forward Phindi, you
also joined this dabs thing?)"
Dabawo: "Joina mntanam, uyeke usgadagada
lona (join my child and leave sgadagada)"
Zizipho laughed while stomping her feet, I
understood her reaction, it was a horrible
nickname. I looked at this woman as she was
walking to the door which led to the lounge, I
smiled, I think I loved her already.
Zizipho helped me with giving the plates to the
people, we then joined them in the lounge and
ate all together after saying the grace of course.
During the meal Dabs questioned me about my
school life and everything including my age, her
reaction was a little different from her
daughters. She then spoke to Mihle about
normal things and about the ceremonies which
were planned back home, while they had that
conversation the rest of us were watching the
television. When we were done eating, Zizipho
and I went to wash the dishes and clean up the
kitchen, sisi Phumla was in the kitchen with us
but later received a call which was asking for
her outside so she left us to finish up everything.
UDabawo had asked to have a chat with the
boys alone and I was pretty sure it must have
been about me and the trouble Mihle was in. We
finished off the dishes an hour before they were
done talking so for the meantime we sat at the
table in the kitchen and waited. It was after an
hour and a couple of minutes when Nkululeko
opened the door and walked in, holding an
empty glass which had his cold drink earlier on ,
Zizipho took it to rinse it. It wasn't long until my
man and his aunt walked in, laughing, their
relationship made me wonder how his
relationship with his mother went, it made me
long for the one I shared with my mother, it was
this beautiful. He extended his hand at me, I
watched him smiling at his aunt while waiting
for me to place my hand in his but I wasn't, not
around his elders...
"Phindi?"
He had his brows raised at me, I
absentmindedly raised mine
Me: "Mhuh?"
Dabawo: "Hayi mbambhe sisi sukoyika. Niqhele
ubambhaka kakade (No hold him dear don't be
scared. You're used to holding each other)"
Embarrassed is an understatement, what I felt
after what this woman said is indescribable. I
stayed put on my seat and only remained
smiling from embarrassment, he walked over to
where I was seated and leaned on the back of
the chair, he whispered in my ear
"We leaving."
My spirit dropped instantly. I turned and looked
at him, he narrowed his eyes at me before
holding my hand and pulling me up, I obliged
Mihle: "Siyebuya (we'll be back)"
He walked me pass the lounge and into one of
the bedrooms, closed the door and turned to
look at me, he stared for a long while before he
took a few steps towards me and held both my
hands in his, he addressed me
Mihle: "Phindi"
Me: "Fhaku."
Mihle: "Whatever you do apha babe, don't risk
being outside the yard. Anditsho uba
uyalandelwa but I'm dealing with criminals apha
so you might never know."
I nodded, he cupped my face and looked me
straight in the eyes
"Uhlale endlini. (Stay indoors)"
Me: "I will."
He placed a long kiss on my lips before he
picked me up in a tight hug and kept me there
long enough to find myself softening up. He
placed me on the floor before he opened the
door and we walked out, hand in hand. I didn't
want to let him go, this week was going to be
long but I knew it was for my own good.
We walked them outside and this time around
Nkululeko was driving so I stood outside the
passenger's door, talking to him, he didn't
remove his eyes from me and from the way he
held my hand tight it was as though he was
saying goodbye for good, or as though he was
anxious about something
Mihle: "Don't leave the yard Mambhele."
Me: "I love you"
Mihle: "Promise me you won't leave the yard."
I giggled due to the irritation that was clear in
his face on how I was expressing my love for
him when he was instructing me
"I promise."
He kissed my hand before he whispered in a
husky voice
"You own my heart too Mambhele."

When the Wrangler reversed, he rolled up the

window but I could still feel his eyes on me even
through those tinted windows. I sighed,
watching the car join the tar road and drive off,
this was going to be a long ass week!
142nd Entry

Mihle

On our way back a all I could think about was

this week without Aphindiwe, my worry wasn't
being without her, my worry was being away
from her during this time. I honestly wasn't
relaxed about any of this but since I knew how
Bafana operated, I was clearly aware that he
wouldn't budge in at Dabawo's place looking for
her that wasn't his style but I knew however that
if she did step out the yard then she could be in
great danger. I sighed causing Nkululeko to
look at me, I frustrated jokes aside...
"Kharelaxer Bhuda, ugrand mos uPhindi
neOu'lady (Relax Bhuda, Phindi is safe mos with
your aunt)"
Me: "Yanditye lekaka ka General ntwana (This
shit is getting to me) the bastard has rats
everywhere."
Nkululeko: "But akayenze iyard attack (but he
doesn't do yard attacks)."
Me: "My worry is how serious Phindi thought I
was umxelela kwam uba ahlale ngendlu (when I
told her to stay indoors)"
Nkululeko: "If you think akakuvanga, call her
everyday, make sure she's indoors oko."
I sighed, rubbing my face with my right hand,
this was stressful. I picked up my phone and
dialed her number, I needed to know she
understood me very well because in honesty my
nerves were telling me something else and I
didn't like the feeling of uncertainty I was
getting. She picked up after a few rings...
"Fhaku."
Me: "Babe"
Aphindiwe: "Yintoni ngoku?(What's wrong now?)
Why do you still sound so down?"
Me: "That's because I am. Nhanha?"
She sighed before shifting on the other side of
the line
Aphindiwe: "Yes?"
Me: "I'm worried"
Aphindiwe: "Is there something you're not
telling?"
Me: "Hayi"
"Qha? (But?)"
I chuckled before sighing, I could picture the
attitude she was displaying while saying that
Me: "Qha I wish you were by my side so I would
be hundred percent sure that you're safe."
Aphindiwe: "You worry a lot. Ndizobaright (I'll be
fine)"
Me: "For the whole week?"
Aphindiwe: "Yes, for the whole week."
Me: "You promise to be a good girl?"
She giggled before saying a soft yes. I kept
quiet for a while, taking in her soft tone, it was
soothing
"Andizazi ndingayintoni uba ungenzakala
Aphindiwe (I don't know what I!d be if you'd get
hurt Aphindiwe)"
Aphindiwe: "I won't."
She said that in a much lower tone, I sighed
loudly this time causing Nkululeko to turn and
look at me before he averted his eyes back to
the road ahead of us.
Me: "Lala ke Bhelekazi (sleep then Bhelekazi)"
Aphindiwe: "Goodnight my king"
I chuckled before ending the call and turned up
the volume of the radio, maybe I was panicking
so I needed to relax a bit. Nkululeko and I held a
conversation about my relationship with
Aphindiwe, they were still astound by my
actions towards towards her because they
didn't think I would be this quick with her nor
treat her like I was doing in such a short period
of time. It shocked me too at times because I
had never expected myself to fall for her, it was
just sex after all and I remember letting the
thought of having sex with her pass by like I did
with other ladies I had meaningless sex with but
when I saw her at Andrew's party again, I knew I
had to know her a little deeper that time around.
My idea was to make her my sex partner, if
that's what you call it, someone who was going
to be available whenever I needed a round or
two but it seemed the more I got to know her,
the more she fitted in the girlfriend category
instead.
I laughed when Nkulie mentioned that her ass
was the reason I went all crazy over her...
Me: "Kudala ndazitya impundu ezinkulu njena
ntwana (It's been long since I had ass my boy),
so it wouldn't be that."
Nkululeko: "Uk'chaza nyani (She interests you)"
Me: "Blind mpinch yam. Uyandenzela lamntana
(A lot my niggur. That child does it for me)"
Nkululeko: "And honestly bra, une impact
epositive kuwe uPhindi, ndicinga yiyo lonto
simcacele sonke (And honestly bra, Phindi's got
a positive impact on you, I think that's why we
all like her)"
I chuckled, shaking my head. I honestly didn't
believe in that nonsense, the only person who
had an impact on myself was me, whether it
was good or bad. That is why I believed I was
the person who could change who I was and
not by the help of some female
Nkululeko: "(chuckles) Uzoyphika nalena Miles,
ndiyakwazi (You'll disagree on this one too
Miles, I know you)"
Me: "(laughs) Masiyiyeke indlule (let's let it
pass)"
He laughed, looking at me. Well I knew and
understood that ubu stubborn bam babundenza
inja (my stubbornness made me an ass) at
times but many times when I was in the
deepest of shit, it helped me through.

On our way back the journey seemed a little

shorter, so it seemed like we arrived quicker
than we drove there but that wasn't true, we still
spent that four hours on the road, Nkululeko
tried by making it three hours, 34 minutes.
When we arrived in Cape Town, I dropped him
off first then went to my place. My arrangement
with Bulelani was that he'd get his car tomorrow.
Before heading to bed I did the one thing which
would help me get a peaceful night's rest, I took
a long luke warm shower before calling
Aphindiwe and silently wishing everything goes
according to plan.
I extended my arm and switched off the
bedside lamp, right before I closed my eyes, I
looked at the vacant space next to me which
was always occupied by that lady I seemed to
be missing already. I chuckled, the way I felt
about her was ridiculous, I hated showing it but
for her sake, I ended up doing it anyway.

Aphindiwe

I woke up the following day with a headache

and that was due to not having enough sleep.
You know the feeling you get of being able to
sleep at another place so all you do is toss and
turn all night, yes, that was me. The irritation
that grew inside me when I saw Zizipho
enjoying her sleep peacefully and I had my
phone in my hands, out of data because I was
on instagram God knows for how long, so all I
had left was to play Candy crush until I finally
became drowsy at something to three. Now it
was past eight and I was up, the only reason for
that was not wanting to be the last one to get
up here, first impression was very important,
especially for your in-laws.
Thay Friday stretched out so badly for me
because we were indoors doing nothing but
watching television, my heart wasn't there with
me but at the aircraft show that was happening
and it hurt because Zizipho kept on complaining
now about how she was missing it because of
me and her brother. I didn't purchase today
intentionally that day, I avoided my girls sending
me pictures and everything, they didn't even
know I wasn't coming anymore. Mihle had
asked me to not mention to anybody about my
week away, other things weren't supposed to be
told because the general guy who was after me
had ears everywhere. Those were his exact
words. I recall getting to know the aunt and her
daughter a little because they weren't hard
people to make conversation with, especially
the aunt, I loved how she blended in our
conversation and freely advised us about
relationships. She spoke to me the most, telling
me she didn't know what type of a person Mihle
would be tomorrow but I should know when you
give yourself to a man like I've given myself to
Mihle, it means I'm accepting every little
baggage he has with him. For a moment she
shocked me there because she was talking like
I had already vowed to him but when she later
explained that Mihle was old enough right now
so he couldn't be wasting his time building
relationships which would only come to an end
after four years, I viewed it from the very same
picture she was drawing. As a parent I
understood where she came from but such
advices and words were still a little too big for
me to take in, Mihle and I had just met, and yes I
loved him but was staying with such a man
what I wanted my whole life?
I didn't want to fall out of love, never saw myself
losing interest in him but if this how we were
going to live if I took a decision to stay with him
then I wouldn't tolerate that. He would have to
choose, it would either be me or this kind of life
but I wasn't going to stay on the run my whole
just because I wanted to keep a man I loved by
my side.
I remember sisi Phumla trying to bring some
fun into our weekend by taking us to the mall
for breakfast and to help her do some shopping,
that was how our Saturday went by until we got
back home and stared at the television again.
Sunday, Zizipho and I were left all alone
because Dabawo and her daughter had gone to
church, we were bored throughout the whole
day, taking naps in between until she insisted
we cook. That was better than just sitting and
lazing around, so I helped her in the kitchen and
took a lot of interest in how she was preparing
certain pots. We were half way through with the
dessert and almost done with the cooking when
the car parked outside, lomama walapha was
loud, you could hear her laugh all the way from
outside. When they stepped inside, like any
older person she asked for coffee which I
prepared right after asking Sisi Phumla if she
wanted a cup, she drank Milo so I made a cup
of coffee and one of Milo.
Monday and Tuesday came by really slow and
passed by really slow, Dabawo was a pensioner
but had some business she was running so she
was barely home then her daughter was a teller
at Nedbank so we were all by ourselves the
whole time. We couldn't even go out because
every time Zizipho insisted I would remind her
that her brother strictly said no going out the
yard.
Wednesday we woke up very late because we
had slept in the morning watching Geordie
Shore, so the day on Tuesday seemed a little
shorter. Dabawo was around that day, baking in
the kitchen, well she told us it was what she did
every time she had some time off just so she
can have freshly made biscuits and muffins
every time she drinks coffee. I was with her in
the kitchen, helping her do the biscuit mix and
chatting our way through, well I was
questioning her and because she was the king
of parent she is, she answered sana. She was
moisturising the pan with rama and I was
stirring the mix in the bowl when Zizipho walked
in, clean...
"Dabawo how far is ivekile apha(the shop
here?)"
Dabawo: "Right around the corner mntanam,
ikhona ishop ephaya (there's a shop there)"
Zizipho: "Khandikhaphe (accompany me)"
Me: "Zee hayi"
Zizipho: "Just come toro yintoni nah?! (Just
come please, what is it?!)"
Me: "Uyayaz...(you know...)"
Zizipho: "Blah blah blah, going out phaya won't
hurt anybody."
I looked at her, she was stomping her feet,
mumbling some words I couldn't hear. Dabawo
was staring at her like she had lost her mind
and I on the other hand was giving in, rinsing my
hands so I can go with her. We stepped out off
the gate and down the street, this street didn't
look shady at all instead it looked normal, with
cars passing every now and then, a couple of
elders in their yards and on the streets, this
meant that the young ones were at school
because right after four o'clock the noise that
occurred in the streets was too much. We found
the shop which was down the road and bought
a couple of snack, Doritos and Eet-sum-Mor
biscuits along with her airtime. We were in our
way back when a red GTI drove slowly besides
us and some cool kids stuck out their heads
from the windows, one lowering the music
"Ladies!"
There was a coloured among them and they
looked worth talking to but for some reason I
wasn't interested so Zizipho did the greeting.
The driver of the car stopped it on the
pavement and stepped out, followed by the one
who was on the passenger seat. They came to
us and held a very boring conversation, asking
why they haven't seen us her because
apparently one of them stays in that street,
Zizipho explained that we were visiting from
Port Elizabeth, the second kept on looking at
me like someone who had seen me before. I
looked at me with eyebrows raised he smiled
before saying
"I know you from somewhere."
Me: "From?"
Guy: "Andiyazi (I don"t know) but I've seen you."
Driver: "Hayi man achosi, sukothusa lomntana
(No man friend, don't scare this child)"
Guy: "No bra, ndiyamazi nyani. (No dude, I know
her for real)"
He clicked his fingers, we all had our eyes on
him, after a while he stopped and smiled
"On facebook, your name is something like
Phindile, Phindi, Phi something."
Me: "Aphindiwe Phindi the Goddess."
He clicked his fingers for the last time before
grinning widely
Guy: "Told you I've seen you somewhere. I know
you (pause) and you don't look any different
from your pictures"
Me: "Yeah I wasn't suppose to right?"
Driver: "Khayeke uncuma ntwana, it isn't like she
your girl now! (laughs) Ladies we'll talk man,
sizonibona mos"
Zizipho: "For sure."
The driver nodded before he backed away
looking at Zizipho then at me
Driver: "Bye ke Goddess"
Me: "(giggles) Bye."
They got in the car and drove off after saying a
couple of goodbyes. Zizipho seemed somehow
interested in them, more especially towards the
driver but she made an excuse to me that they
were kids, not the kind of people she dated
because she wasn't about dating her age group.
I shrugged my shoulders, I feel there was
something she was telling me because even
when the guy greeted on whatsapp, she
seemed a little more excited than I thought she
would be. We arrived back into the yard and
house unharmed, I continued helping uDabawo
with Zizipho joining in kwincoko wethu (in our
conversation). She kept on making comments
about how she'll know I'm hard headed if I leave
here at the end of the week without having
learned something, well I too would know I
wasn't determined to know anything if I'd leave
here on Saturday or Sunday without knowing
how to cook a pot or two. The rest of the day
we spent watching TV or with her updating me
about what those guys we had met earlier on
were saying. One of them was Thando and I
presumed that must have been the one whom
she was chatting to.
In bed she mentioned something about going
out for drinks with these dudes, I ignored it by
brushing it off and telling her I wanted to sleep
but that wasn't the end of it because Thursday
morning she woke me up with the same news.
At this time I was fixing the pillows, I stopped
and looked at her...
Zizipho: "Hayi ntombazana ungakhe ulinge
undijonge njalo mna (No girl don't like at me
that way), it's just drinks for crying out loud."
Me: "You know it's my life that's at steak here
right?"
She rolled her eyes at me before throwing
herself on the bed I had just fixed
Zizipho: "Gosh uyamoyika ubhuti! (Gosh you're
scared of my brother!)"
Me: "Andimoyiki (I'm not scared of him), just
trying to be safe."
She got up and shrugged her shoulders before
grabbing her toiletry bag
"Well you have the house to yourself then.
Ndiyakushiya mna (I'm leaving you)"
Me: "Uzobuya nini? (When will you get back?)"
Zizipho: "For your sake, uphela kobumnandi
(when the fun ends)"
Me: "Mxm"
She walked out of the room leaving my me
alone to think through my decision, well I
wanted to go so badly but my instincts told me
not to, so I wouldn't. I was sitting in the lounge,
at something around to twelve when she
finished everything and told me she'd see me
ubuya kwakhe (when she returns)
Me: "Did you inform uDabs?"
"Yes I did (blows a kiss) I'll drink for the two of
us okay?"
Me: "Khawuhambe (just go)"
She left, laughing at she closed the door. After a
few seconds I heard the sound of a roaring
engine drive off, how many exhausts did that
car have because from the sound it made, it
was definitely not one. I sighed trying to get
comfortable with having the house to myself
but ended up removing my ass from that couch
towards the bathroom to go take a bath. I had
locked the doors while bathing and took my
time, listening to my music, I missed my friends,
my man and Cape Town itself, I could feel
within that I wasn't really happy no matter how
comfortable Dabawo and her daughter tried to
make me feel. I felt ungrateful because they
were really trying.
I dressed in my loose cotton navy shirts and a
nipple free vest since I was going to be in doors
until the day turned into night. After a couple of
episodes on Suits I got up and decided to take a
breather outside, these walls made my situation
worse so I walked out and over to the gate and
leaned against it, looking at this street from my
left to my right. On my right there was a black
AMG Mercedes Benz which seemed brand new
because it had no number plate, I stared hard at
it because Mercedes Benz was my favorite car,
amongst all cars. I averted my eyes away from
it only when I heard a female voice scream
which was followed by laughter, it was two
ladies who came out laughing from one of the
houses, they stepped into the polo that was
parked outside that yard and drove off. I was
about to step away from the gate when I saw
the Mercedes Benz park right opposite the
street, I backed away from the gate but didn't
move away completely, I don't know what kept
me rooted at that spot but I remember not
moving. A casual dressed young male stepped
out and looked at me before looking back into
the car and nodding, he closed the door and
walked right up to me, he stopped before the
gate causing me to take a step back. What
freaked me out was how he didn't utter a word
but stood and stared hard at me, he wasn't
South Africa ontop of that
"Can I help you?"
Man: "If you'd stay rooted I wouldn't have to
shoot."
Me: "Huh?"
He moved his hand to the back of his waist and
kept it there, I became cold instantly unsure if
he really had a gun with him. I heard a car door
close but didn't remove my eyes from where
this man's hand was positioned, I wasn't about
to lose it as yet, firstly I wanted to see what
weapon he really had. Another man stood
besides him but I didn't dare look up at him until
he cleared his throat and softly said my name
"Aphindiwe."
I slowly removed my eyes from the African
looking man to the guy who was standing next
to him and right there I felt my knees give in. He
was smirking before he took in my body and
licked his lips, without thinking I took about four
to five steps backwards but stopped when he
pulled out his gun
"Take one more step Phindi, and I'll blow your
head off."
As small as my eyes are, I believe they were as
big as roll on balls right now
"You should know by now that uMihle isn't as
strategic as he seems. Uyayazi (he knows), with
me, when it rains it pours (long pause) sondela
(come close)."
Me: "Ndiyakucela bhuti please don't."
I was pleading in a shaky, cracky, scared voice. I
was shaking like crazy from fear, and at the
urge of crying
"Sondela dammit! You don't want me killing
everybody ulapha because that's exactly what
will happen uba kungafika omnye umntu
ndiselapha (if another person would arrive
whilst I'm still here) now be a good girl and
come here before anybody sees us Aphindiwe."
I stayed rooted and allowed the tears I been
holding in to fall down my cheeks, he closed his
eyes from frustration and sighed loudly
"Ndizokubulala Aphindiwe (I'll kill you
Aphindiwe). I won''t ask you again."
I moved, I actually moved towards them and
watched how his face turned from monster to a
wide smile, with the hand which had a brown
leather glove he opened the gate and watched
me take steps towards him, he took me in his
disgusting arms and placed a kiss close to my
ear he then whispered
"I'll give it to you better than he did coconut."
My whole body was cold, my blood turned into
ice and I became numb instantly. This wasn't
the type of punishment I thought I'd receive for
taking what wasn't rightfully mine.

143rd Entry

Aphindiwe

On our way to God knows where I couldn't stop

crying; it wasn't the kind of cry which had sound
but the one which allowed the tears to flow and
had sniffs only. All that lingered across my
mind as we drove was my death, in this way it
felt like it was being handed to me on a silver
platter, and there was nothing I could do about
it. The General guy was sitting next to me at the
back, he kept on looking at me everytime I
sniffed and dried my eyes with the back of my
hands, no remorse was showing on his face
instead he'd look at me then carry on pressing
his iPhone. The car was locked and had tinted
windows, I was informed that even if I
attempted on opening my door to jump out I'd
fail because my door had a child lock. His eyes
would go from my face to my thighs then back
to his phone. I felt like I was going to vomit
from fear, my stomach was turning and every
time I tried ignoring the nausea I was feeling, I
failed. When I had the first hiccup he looked at
me with a straight face but reacted when I had
the second...
"Steve pass me the bottle of water."
The African man fidgeted before handing him a
cold bottle of still water, he looked at me with a
raised brow before slowly handing it to me. His
eyes were on me the whole time I was downing
the water in huge gulps, he still kept his eyes on
me even after I had removed the bottle from my
lips, his eyes moved from my eyes to my lips
and they stayed there. I shifted back on the seat
even though my back was already on the door,
he chuckled lowly and licked his lips before he
spoke
"Ndiyayibona kutheni uMiles ekufuna kuye
yedwa. Uyarhalisa. (I see why Miles wants you
all to himself. You trigger cravings.)"
I choked on his words and flinched when he
extended his hand to touch my thigh, he
stopped and looked at me before locking his
phone and moving closer. I moved backwards
hurting my back on the door but that wasn't my
worry now, my biggest worry was the man who
had just closed the space between us, placing
his forehead on mine. I turned my head and
looked the other away, tears filling my eyes, he
placed his hand on my thigh causing me to fight
back by removing it but I stopped fighting and
breathing when he held me tightly at the back of
my neck with one hand and the other touched
my private part from outside my shorts
"Andizosokoliswa nguwe okay? (I won't be
given a hard time by you okay?) You play by the
rules and I won't hurt you, uyandisokolisa (you
give me a hard time) and I'll have to kill you.
Understood?"
I didn't nod or make a sound but instead closed
my eyes tightly when he dug deeper in my
thighs which I were pressing tightly together
Me: "Please don't"
I managed to plead in a scared tone, he stopped
and removed his hand from where he was
touching me, to my chin
"And stop begging. It irritates me."
The driving was beginning to irritate me
because it added on the nerves I was having
already, I wanted to know where we were
heading to and how long it was going to take us
there but I couldn't ask because asking would
be asking for my own death. I never kept track
off time but we finally came to a stop after a
long time, infront us was a huge gate and high
walls. By looking at these walls I lost all hope I
had, nobody would ever find me behind these, I
would probably have this guy rape and kill me
right here. The car drove in and what was
behind these walls shocked me, it was a normal
sized house with a spacious lawn. There was a
black Ranger Rover on the drive way and I
presumed he must be the owner of that too,
when the African man turned off the engine he
turned and looked at me before opening his
door and stepping out. He closed it and walked
over to my side and dragged me out, I freed my
arm from his hold once I was stepped out off
the car causing him to look at me with a raised
eyebrow, he chuckled before walking towards
the house
"Steve you'll use the Benz for now. Leave me
alone with this lady."
I looked at this Steve guy, wishing I could beg
him and have him stay but that would be
useless anyway so I watched him turn and walk
towards the car, General was standing steps
away with his hands in his pocket, looking at
me with the most irritated facial expression I've
ever seen
"Ufuna ndide ndithi yiza? (You want me to tell
you to come?)"
I started moving towards him in slow steps, he
kept his eyes on me this whole time, making me
feel uncomfortable because the only person
who often did what he was doing is Mihle. I was
about one step away from him when he
grabbed me by my arm and dragged me
towards the door, I hissed in pain trying to my
arm but the more I struggled the more he
tightened his grip so I stopped. He let go of me
as he was about to open the burglar, he looked
at me with his eyebrows furrowed, I stopped
rubbing that certain part and looked at him,
maybe this irritated him too. He opened the
burglar and door, I stepped inside this time
around before he could drag me in, first thing I
did was to take in the lounge in front of me. I
can barely recall what it looked like because I
was still caught up in fear and shock even at
that moment. I was still standing at that same
spot, about to blink away the tears which filled
my eyes when I felt hands touch the waistband
of my shorts, I stopped breathing and started
praying silently, praying he wasn't going to do
what I knew he would. He closed the gap
between us and I felt my ass touch his front, I
took a step forward and he actually let go of me.
I was a little taken back with how easily he let
go so I decided to turn to see what he was
doing since he's been quiet kodwa uva kwam
isibham sakhe esikhokha I froze halfway
through with turning. He chuckled, I presumed
he was looking at me
"Sukoyika. Jika. (Don't be scared. Turn)"
Silently taking in a deep breathe, I turned around
and looked at him, he was staring at my waist
area, my ass but shifted his eyes to my thighs
when I turned completely
"Inoba umnandi hey (you must be delicious
hey)."
I took a step back and watched how quick his
eyes snapped from my thighs to my face, he
was irritated. I don't get how he expected me to
stand on one ground and not run away when he
was reminding every now and then about how
he&apos;d rape me. He walked over to me, I
took two steps back but stopped when he
grabbed my arm forcefully and pulled me into
his chest, twisting my arm on my back, I hissed
standing on my tippy toes...
"With the way you doing things I'll have to kill
you way sooner than I planned. Hasn't your man
informed you about how impatient I am?"
He was whispering these to me, I didn't respond
so he raised his voice a little louder and
questioned
"Hasn't he?"
I shook my head, filling tears fill my eyes,
especially when he placed the silent gun on my
head and pressed hard on it
"Azange ndoyika udhubula umntu (I've never
been scared shooting someone) especially if
lomntu (that someone) belongs to Miles, so
don't step on my wrong toe coconut."
I stood still, if I recall well that time I had even
stopped breathing, waiting on him to either pull
the trigger or remove the gun from my head. He
eventually pulled the gun slowly and tilted my
head using his other free hand, he placed a wet
kiss on my lips, bringing me to the edge of
puking but I tried not to. He placed his gun
ontop of the glass table which had chairs and
pulled me to follow him, I obliged, following him
down the passage and I knew we were heading
to the bedroom. Behind the door was a queen
sized bed, a chair and a table only, the wood
smell indicated that this house wasn't used on a
daily basis. He took off his jacket and shirt,
revealing the white vest which he had
underneath and stood where he was and looked
at me, I was scared to death, unable to utter not
a single word. He walked towards me and
brushed my arm, he smiled before he
disgustingly grabbed my ass and added with
that
"Khulula, ndiyebuya. (Get undressed, I'll be
back.)"
He walked out, leaving me alone in the bedroom.
First thing I did was to check the windows, there
was no way I'd make it out these burglared
windows nor through these walls, so I did the
second thing which came through my mind, I
locked the door and waited on him to kick it
down because that's what I anticipated he'd do.
It wasn't long until the door handle turned and
the door pushed but failed to open, he pushed it
more harder but that attempt failed too. Before
swearing under his breathe he called out my
name and instructed me to open the door which
I didn't but stood in the middle of the room
crying, looking for places where I can hide. At
the back of my mind I knew he must have
another gun here but I wouldn't know where
because kwakungekho kwanto enedrawsers
apha (there was nothing with drawers here), I
opened the wardrobe but was disappointed to
see that it was empty. I was still pacing up and
down the room, scared to death when a bullet
went through the door, breaking the door and
dislocating the door handle, he pushed the door
handle and walked up straight to me. I took a
single step back before the back of his gun
make contact with the side of my face, I fell on
the floor with my head shaken a little and my
vision unclear. He held a fist on my weave and
pulled me up, I stood up as quick as lightening,
in my situation you would have too, he swung
his hand and the back of his hand made contact
with my cheek, throwing me on the bed.
"Voetsek! You fucken spoilt brat!"
I was trying to sit up on the bed but the side of
my face where he had hit me with the gun was
aching so I placed my hand there and almost
found my jaw on the floor from shock. I could
feel from touching it that it was bad, it was
swollen and they meant the whole side of my
face was in a bad condition. There was no time
to look for mirrors right now, my biggest
concern was my death which was knowing on
my door with every second I breathed under this
roof. He walked in holding ropes and a brown
paper bag, he was really angry because he
wouldn't stop muttering
"Ndithi kuwe khulula into oyenzayo you're acting
like a bitch. Ufuna uMiles afikele emortuary? (I
say to you undress all you do is acting like a
bitch. You want Miles to arrive at the
mortuary?)"
I didn't answer him, he carried on talking before
he held me by my ankle and pulled closer to him,
I tried kicking him but realized it was a bad idea
when he took me by the neck and pressed me
hard against the mattress, at first I thought he'd
let go because I wouldn't stop kicking him but
when my eyes filled with tears and I felt my
chest close I knew I was dying. I tried grabbing
hold of his arm but he tightened his grip instead,
to an extent that I felt the air leave my body. He
finally took his hand away and I fell into endless
coughs until my throat hurt, instead of him
bringing me a glass of water, the bastard found
a seat on the chair and searched in the brown
bag he had placed on the table. He took out a
packet of white powder and opened it, wide-
eyed I starred at the amount of cocaine he had
just poured on the table. He rolled a R100 note
which was on the table and sniffed before
snapping his head up and cocking a brow at me
"Get undressed, I should use you kuqala before
ndikubulale (first before I kill you). Uzokwenza
isidhumbu esihle (you'll make a pretty corpse),
don't you think coconut?"
I sat on the bed and looked between him and
the gun which was on his table next to his
powder, there was no way I could reach out for
it, if it did he'd definitely kill me.
"I said get undressed."
Me: "Could you pleas..."
I didn't finish pleading because he grabbed his
gun and shot twice next to my right leg, I moved
towards the pillows, shaking and crying
because he now had the gun pointed at me, he
was standing by now, looking at me with so
much exasperation and between narrowed eyes.
I didn't talk but took of my top and revealing my
boobs, I felt like I wasn't myself anymore when I
removed my shorts and panties. I looked up at
him and found him staring, with his bottom lips
between his teeth, he chuckled before placing
the gun on the table and taking the ropes. I was
a little confused with what he'd use these for
until he took my leg roughly, tied it and tied the
other end on the leg of the bed
Me: "You don't have to do this. Jonga I promise
to behave, ndiyakucela toro please."
I was pleading with a shaky and cracky voice
but he didn't respond, subsequently he took my
other leg and tied it on the other side of the bed.
I shook my head, crying with hiccups because
at that moment I felt so disrespected, so cheap,
to have my womanhood spread open for a man
I barely even knew. He did the exact same thing
to my hands and left me spreading on the bed,
he returned to the table and finished off what
he was doing before he came and stood at the
bottom of the bed, I didn't even want to look at
him so I closed my eyes and cried myself to
numbness. I held my breathe when I felt a finger
penetrate through my baby, my attempt on
kicking failed but I didn't stop though, hoping I'd
somehow find myself free from these ropes.
My mind raced back home, to my dad, how I
would've been safe if I had listened to him, if I
hadn't acted so foolish and fall for man I never
knew. My father's words. His words were all
that echoed in my head and while I was at it, he
pushed himself in me. I remember the feeling
like it was yesterday, I never felt anything like
that before, if you think having your heart
broken is unbearable, if you think being cheated
in a marriage is unbearable then you haven't
experienced anything close to sorrow.
By the time he untied my left leg I was numb,
emotionally numb and mentally disturbed from
his moaning and groaning. I thought he was
done but felt myself die for the thousand time
when he brought my left leg over my right,
hurting my left wrist of course, and opened my
butt cheek, he spat on his thumb and pleased it
on my anus. I prepared myself for the one thing
I feared the most in sex, I shook my head
absentmindedly and prayed he wouldn't but
when he positioned his manhood with my anus
and pushed I moved, last thing on my mind was
my hurting wrist, I needed to get away but he
held my waist in position and pushed. I cried
and begged but he showed no remorse, not that
I expected it from him anyway. I recall feeling
nauseous from his moans and the pain I felt
every time he stroked. It was the most painful
shit ever. Ndikhumbula ndizivha uba (I
remember feeling like) I was close to vomiting
but I don't remember how I actually vomited
because my concentration was on the pain I
was feeling in my ass.

He pulled out eventually, after having came of

course. I felt his eyes on me but I wouldn't dare
look at him, I didn't have it in me to look at this
man, not to even utter a word to him. He moved
from the bed and walked over to me, where my
face was positioned, he held me by the check
and placed a wet kiss on my lips before he
grinned
"You made a great meal."
He then let go of my face like it was something
disgusting before he turned and buckled his
belt, I felt another tear leave my eye when I saw
how much he actually sweated from sexually
abusing me. He bent on the table and sniffed
again before he took his iPhone and made a
phone call. He spoke in this tsotsi taal which I
failed to understand before he dressed up, all
this time he kept on glancing at me, he was
halfway through with buttoning his T-shirt when
there was a knock at the door. I hoped it was
someone who came to rescue me but when he
left his gun I knew it must have been his friends,
they were security guards at the gate anyway.
I heard voices in the lounge, it sounded like two
other men had just came, they was laughter
before I heard footsteps coming towards the
bedroom. He entered, then another man
followed behind him but stopped right after
walking in, he looked at me, a little confused.
General took his phone and wallet from the
table and turned to look at me
"Here's a meal."
He pointed towards me using his head
"Serve yourself."
The other guy chuckled and shook his head, he
walked over to me and removed my left leg
from my right, he looked at my womanhood for
a long time before he looked up at me, I was
staring hard at him. He chuckled before he
walked towards the door followed by General,
they walked out laughing at whatever it was
that other guy had said. I laid there for God
knows how long not even attempting to untie
myself, all I was waiting for was my death or my
rescue, but I think I preferred death for now, I
didn't know how I'd live with myself after this.
It seemed like forever, laying on this bed, crying
and stopping, thinking about my father and
Mihle. Right now I didn't even know how I felt
towards my relationship, towards Mihle but I
knew hadn't it been because of him, I wouldn't
be laying here feeling like someone else. These
three men were still here in the house because
their voices was all I could hear in these walls,
besides my sobs.
I had stopped crying for now , feeling all sorts
of pain and smelling bad from the vomit as well
when General walked in holding a phone
against his hear, he was smiling as he took
slow steps towards me, he looked at me and
shook his head before placing the phone on my
ear
"Phindi."
That voice hurt me a thousand times more, I felt
my chest close in and tears filling my eyes, I
sniffed, moving my head away from the phone.
General placed him on loudspeaker and
chuckled
Mihle: "Uzukhe umbambhe nje (You dare touch
her)"
General: "Imnandi intombi yakho Miles (Your girl
is delicious Miles)"
I heard Mihle breath loudly on the other side of
the line
Mihle: "I'll kill you Bafana. Ndizokubulala njandin!
(I'll kill you, you dog!)"
General: "Zama (try)"
He then hung up before he looked at with so
much pity
"Useless boyfriend."
He walked out, closing the door roughly. My
mind replied Mihle's tone as he called out my
name, he sounded scared, disappointed and
hurt but I wouldn't know honestly until I saw him,
that's only if I was going to see him anyway. I
felt the tears leave my eyes on each side and
touch my ears, maybe that was even the last
time I was hearing his voice.

As I laid there I hadn't just lost the Aphindiwe I

was just about five hours ago, I had lost all
hope, hope of being me again, of ever living, of
ever seeing uDavid wam, the hope of ever
seeing my family, I had lost the hope of waking
up to hearing that voice which meant the world
to me a day ago.
144th Entry

Mihle

I was still at the event when I saw Zizipho's five

missed calls, whatever she had wanted to say
must have been urgent but nothing told me it
had to do with Aphindiwe and often times my
gut reacted when something was terribly wrong.
I was walking to my car, prepared to head back
to my place after this long day, the time was a
few minutes before six, when uDabawo called,
happily I answered
"MaFhaku."
Dabawo: "uPhindi akekho mntanam (Phindi isn't
here my child)"
I froze at that spot and pardoned her, she
repeated herself causing me to furrow my
eyebrows. What the fuck did she mean
uAphindiwe akekho
Me: "Uyephi (where did she go?)"
"Andimazi bhuti (I don't know brother.)"
Zizipho was now on the phone. I felt myself
shake from anger and fear, tightening the grip
on my phone, I swallowed before repeating my
question again
"Uyephi? (Where did she go?)"
Zizipho: "Bhuti andimazi (I don't know). We were
left alone apha endlini (here in the house) then
ndimke (I left) only to return..."
She didn't finish her sentence, I dropped my
phone and placed my hands on my head, I don't
know what I was thinking but I didn't want to
think of the worst, she was still alive and
untouched wherever she was. I took a few
steps forward and leaned on my car, my mind
was racing, I felt dizzy instantly and wanted
some water to calm down. If anybody hurt her,
if anybody dared to touch her. I blinked a few
times before searching my pockets for my car
keys and picking up my cellphone, inside the car
I quickly made a phone call to Bulelani and
reported to him that Aphindiwe was missing
and we knew who our suspect was. I was in no
stage of answering questions and I liked my
homies because they understood that, it wasn't
long after I had ended my call with Bulelani,
Nkululeko called telling me he just got informed
and they were right behind me with a few other
men I trusted.
I did not know what to think, my mind was all
over the place and the fear of finding her just
laying there lifeless came to me as a thought, I
found myself leaning on the steering wheel and
breathing loudly. He couldn't do this to me,
Bafana could not kill her, akanokwazi (he can't).
My speed was crazy and I imagined how
Bulelani must have been driving his car so they
could catch up with me. My phone rang,
revealing Phumla's number on my car screen, I
answered
Phumla: "Mihle uphi? Ndifika endlini mna ngoku
kuthwa uAphindiwe akekho. Uphi? (Mihle where
are you? I arrive at home and I'm told Aphindiwe
is not here. Where are you?)"
Me: "Ndisendleleni (I'm on my way)"
Phumla: "Mihle inoba umntana uthathwe
ngubani? (Mihle who might have took the
child?)"
Me: "Andazi but whoever it is, if they dare touch
her. Ubakhe bambambha (if they touch her)"
Phumla: "Khawuleza (hurry) but please drive
safe."
I changed gears and took my phone, calling
Phumla back to ask about Aphindiwe's phone, I
felt tears form at the back of my eyes when she
told me it was with them in the house. This
could not be happening, I knew I had it all under
control so how could he have found her. I knew
he was capable of finding her but kanjani or did
she step out of the yard when I had strictly
instructed her not to. I found myself fuming
with anger, honestly now I didn't know what to
think, how the fuck did Aphindiwe end up in that
bastard's hands?
I was still deep in my worried thoughts when my
phone rang, I looked at it, if I had a choice I
wouldn't be answering this phone call because I
needed some time alone but I knew my boys
had to know where I was at...
"Groot man."
Bulelani: "Uphi ntwana? (Where are you boy?)"
Me: "About 60Ks to George."
Bulelani: "Sina 67, so silapha emva kwakho."
I kept quiet and swallowed the lump I was
gaining by second
"Ndi worried ngawe boy. Bendingarhaleli ufike
kuqala phaya, alone (I'm worried about you boy.
I don't wish you to arrive there first, alone)"
Me: "Ndizoqala kwa Dabs Groot man (I'll start
by my aunt's groot man)"
Bulelani: "Nkulie uyakwazi mos? (Nkulie you
know the place right?)"
He wasn't talking to me so I concentrated on
the driving I was doing, even though it seemed
impossible because in my head all I could think
about were the what ifs. I don't know how I'd act
if he had already touched her, if he actually
raped her. I closed my eyes for a moment and
punched the steering wheel, I needed to get
there. My speed was already on 190 km per
hour but for some reason I felt like I wasn't
moving, it seemed like the road was stretching
further instead, I was frustrated and scared.
Fear was a feeling I wasn't used to, I was not
the type to be scared of what life was bringing
me but right now I felt like if it took away this
one thing I wouldn't be able to function. This
wasn't because I felt like I could not live without
her, no, I could but what I couldn't live with was
knowing she would have still been alive if I
didn't force the relationship we had, that she
would have dated someone who truly deserved
her and obtained her degree, most probably
make the best mother in the world ever. That's
what I couldn't live with. I sighed and found
myself thinking of my father, as grown as I was,
I felt I needed his guidance more than anything.
I was 8km to George when Bulelani called again,
saying they were right behind me, what speed
were they traveling at if they caught up with me
while I was traveling on 190?
It took us a few minutes to make it to Dabawo's
place. I needed not park the car inside the yard
because we weren't here to stay anyway qha
ndandifuna uxelela uDabawo uba
ndandiyokhangela uAphindiwe (but I wanted to
tell my aunt that I was going to look for
Aphindiwe) and if I somehow didn't return, that
could mean I might have died for her. We
stepped into the house and my reaction when I
saw Zizipho was unexpected, I wasn't planning
on crying but seeing her here, knowing I had left
Aphindiwe with her broke my heart. I clenched
my jaws, trying to hold in the tears but failed so
I looked up, trying to guide them not to fall off
at least. If you thought a man couldn't cry then
you were mistaken
Zizipho: "Xolo bhuti."
She said those words in a cracky voice, she was
crying herself. Bulelani took me in his arms in a
manly hug
"Hayi ngoku Mihle. Qina Fhaku, qina. (Not now
Mihle. Be tough Fhaku, be tough)"
I tried containing myself and took the glass of
water Dabawo had brought for me, I gave her an
empty glass within a matter of seconds
Me: "Dabs (clears throat) sisayojonga
uAphindiwe . Ikhona indawo we suspect ang..."
I was still talking when my phone rang, an
unsaved number appeared on the screen, I
looked at it for a while before answering. I didn't
speak, I actually waited for the person on the
other side of the line to talk first
"Miles, Miles, Miles."
I became cold instantly when I heard this
asshole's voice, there was no other reason he
was calling me, he had my girl with him. He
continued
"Yazi kudala ndacinga uba uhlakaniphile but this
time around you proved me wrong (long pause)
I have intombi yakho and Fuck she's feisty. (You
know I've always thought you're smart but this
time around you proved me wrong (long pause)
I have your girl and Fuck she's feisty.)"
I clenched my jaws and tightened my fists, he
wouldn't dare. I said his name through gritted
teeth
Me: "Bafana"
Bafana: "Naku, thetha naye (Here she is, talk to
her)"
My breathing was increasing and I was
sweating, this was something I couldn't handle
honestly. I waited for her to say something but
when she sniffed, indicating that she was crying,
I spoke
"Phindi?"
She sniffed again and he removed the phone
away from her ear because he chuckled not
long after that
Me: "Uzukhe umbambhe nje (You dare touch
her)"
Bafana: "Imnandi intombi yakho Miles (Your girl
is delicious Miles)"
I stopped breathing for a second, it felt like I
was going to fall sick, like I was about to vomit
my heart out
"I'll kill you Bafana. Ndizokubulala njandin! (I'll
kill you, you dog!)"
Bafana: "Zama (try)"
He hung up right after saying that, I
absentmindedly punched the cardboard and
breathed heavily, I was losing it. Bulelani and
Dabawo were asking me to calm down but how
the fuck did I do that when my girl was laying
under that lion's roof, waiting to be touch by
him anytime he wanted.
Me: "Ndizombulala Dabawo. Ndizombulala
MaFhaku (I'll kill him Dabawo. I'll kill him
MaFhaku.)"
Dabawo: "Ndiyakucela mntanam, awunokwazi
uzibambisa ngoku sele wenze okuhle nge gama
lakho (Please my child, you can't have yourself
arrested now while you've already made a good
name of yourself)"
I shook my head and leaned on the wall, I was
losing all power, I felt right now Bafana had me
right where he wanted me, if I had to be pussy
for him right now I would be, I needed him to let
her go, unharmed.
Bulelani: "Mama, masibe sihamba. Sothetha
phonin uba simfumene (Mama let's go for now.
We'll talk on the phone if we find her)"
I don't know what Dabawo's response was
because I still had my head against the wall, I
had a headache and felt like I was about to cry,
shit was too much to handle. Bafana held me by
the neck and brought me close to him, he
placed his forehead on mine and looked at me
"Ntwana ndijonge (Ntwana look at me)"
I looked at him and tried clearing my head from
what I had just heard, he couldn't have touched
her
Bulelani: "Get yourself together Ndoda"
Me: "Undenzani uBafana Bhuda (what is Bafana
doing to me Bhuda?)"
Bulelani: "Qina (Be tough)"
Me: "Iyandikhohlakalisa lentwana (This boy is
making me cruel )"
Nkululeko held my wrist and looked at me, he
seemed really sad and touched, I understood
why my boys were affected, they've never seen
me in this state before.
"We need to move."
I nodded and moved away from Bulelani, I
looked at Dabawo who looked really worried,
she nodded too before touching my hand and
kissing it. I looked at Zizipho and took her in a
hug even though I was still mad at her
Zizipho: "Ubuye (you must come back)"
I placed a kiss on her forehead and promised
her that I'd return. We left the house and headed
to the cars, in Bulelani's car there were two
other guys he had brought with him, this was
for in case of emergency, in case getting
Aphindiwe became harder than I predicted.
Nkululeko was driving my car on our way there
while I was loading the guns and putting on my
bullet proof. I still had my uniform on and that
wasn't a good sign, I was never allowed to
perform such illegal acts with my uniform on
but right now I had no option, what had to be
done had to be done. I removed my jacket and
remained with my shirt on. Bulelani's Wrangler
was right in front of us, only because one of the
guys he had brought with him was busy
tracking the number. It took a while to have
them confirm the place but it also meant more
time to prepare myself .
We stopped about a block away from the yard
and planned on how we'd walk in. Plan A was to
walk up to the guards and bribe them, for an
amount double what Bafana paid them if that
didn't work, we'd have to act on plan B, kill them.
Whatever was inside the yard would have
Bulelani, myself and one of these guys, Luvo
was his name, apparently he was brutal. We
found our way to the gate and the closer we
were the more anxious I became about finding
out what was behind those walls, I don't know
what I'd do if it was just her body I would
receive.
Bulelani tried making conversation with these
two men, offering them an amount of 1.5
million each because we knew and understood
taking such risk in the thug game meant huge
amounts of money and that's why we wanted to
deliver. It took us a while to convince one of
them because his biggest concern was his
family, betraying General was like signing up
death applications for all your loved ones, was
how one of them actually explained it to use. By
the time they opened the gates for us, I had ran
out of patience, as a result if it hadn't been for
Bulelani, I would have killed them.

Getting into the house which had three men

wasn't a child's play, so we needed to be extra
cautious but I was trained for such things so it
didn't worry me much. We used the second
bedroom window to get in, it was aluminum and
had no burglar, making it a little easier to
remove and creep through. I was in first, Luvo
followed after me then Bulelani. Often times
when I was involved in such activities, we would
have cameras installed before we step in, so we
could have one man direct and alert us about
our surroundings but right
now we had our senses to us. When all three of
us were armed and ready for action we made
our way through. The doors were easy to open,
even a child could master opening a door slowly
so it doesn't make any sound. Sign language
was the only communication, at that moment,
those were the advantages of being a soldier.
We heard them talk in the lounge and taking
down two men wouldn't be a problem, Bulelani
knew Bafana was my target, so they'd leave him
untouched because I'd search for Aphindiwe
first. While they hid and made way to the lounge,
I went the opposite direction and tried finding a
room where I'd get Aphindiwe. One room was
open and empty, the other one was the one we
had used so that meant one room was left and
if she wasn&apos;t in this one, she was either in
the lounge or he had killed her. I felt cold as I
held the handle of the door and tried opening it
but to my surprise it was closed.
"Fuck."
I whispered to myself and looked at Luvo who
was at the far end of the passage, he was
concentrating on what he was doing, counting
with his fingers while looking at Bulelani.
Immediately when they stepped out and fired
the first shot, I fired straight towards the door
handle and kicked the door opened. I walked in
and stopped after taking a few steps on the
wooden floor, what I saw infront of me broke
me. Aphindiwe was laying on the bed, her eyes
closed like someone who was waiting for a
beating or to be touched. She was laying naked
on this bed, tied on all four limbs. I
absentmindedly took steps towards the bed, my
eyes not leaving her face, she was shaking from
fear and was sobbing too. I was about a step
away from the bed when she muttered my
name, before I could even respond she opened
her eyes.
"Phindi."
Aphindiwe: "Mihle (sobbing) Mihle"
She broke down, I untied her arms and took her
in mine, she was crying, shaking and cold as
Fuck. I pulled back and looked at her, her one
side of the face was brushed, the bastard
smashed something against her cheek bone
causing her to bleed and bruise.
Me: "I'm here babe, I'm here."
She grabbed hold of my shirt and brought me
closer, her crying had hiccups. I held her head
and allowed her to take her time, I rocked back
and forth trying to calm her down but the more I
told her she was safe now, the more she
seemed to cry. I finally pulled back and untied
her feet too, I waited on her to get dressed
which took forever because the pace she was
moving in made her look like someone who was
in pain
Me: "Phindi"
She stopped pulling her shorts up and looked at
me
"What did he do to you"
She carried on looking at me, she honestly
didn't move, the only reaction she gave was
how her eyes filled with tears instantly. She
pressed her lips together and blinked the tears
free, they streamed down her cheeks, I took
steps towards her and right when I was about
to touch her, she spoke
Aphindiwe: "Don't."
Chest pains. I felt like something was pricking
my heart, painfully. I don't know what
expression I must have been showing but it
must have bothered her because she cleared
her throat
?Thanks for coming to my rescue."
Me: "Why won't you let me touch you?"
She ignored me and carried on fixing her shorts,
I took note how she actually lifted them up
slowly and pulled faces during the process. I
was so eager to ask but this wasn't the place
and from the way she was acting now, we'd
probably end up fighting. We stepped out of
that filthy bedroom in silence and right when we
walked into the lounge she stared hard at
Bafana who was seated on a chair, looking at
Bulelani who was gun pointing him. I walked
over to where he was seated and looked at him
between narrowed eyes, he grinned before
looking at Aphindiwe and licked his lips. He
took his time to look at me, still smiling
sheepishly
"Siyalwa isfebe sakho (pause) and siyakhala
(Your bitch fights and she moans.)"
I clenched my jaws, I was disgusted and beyond
angry. I pointed my gun at him, he chuckled
before bringing his hand to his chin and
continued speaking
Bafana: "Umqundu wakhe is worth killing for.
Ndikuvulele kwedini (Her anus is worth killing
for. I opened it for you boy.)"
Right before he even finished that sentence I
began shaking, just because I had grew soft he
forgot how much of a fuckery I could be. I used
my left and pulled out the knife I had on my
waist, I pushed it through the flash of hid wrist,
attaching it to the chair
"Fuuuuuuck!"
He closed his eyes, pulling faces, trying to take
in the pain like a man, he was close to handling
it when I dragged the knife from his wrist
upwards, he tried fighting by kicking but I didn't
stop. When I finally did he was sweating and
close to crying if I was looking at him correctly
Bafana: "You son of a bitch!"
I waited for him to finally take in the pain and
when he did, he chuckled ridiculously and
looked at me
Bafana: "She moaned with plea..."
He didn't get to finish that sentence before I
pulled out the knife from his wrist and stabbed
right next to his collar bone, his mouth hung
and his eyes became red within a matter of
seconds. I took my gun and placed it under his
chin, I kept my eyes on him before pulling the
trigger because I wanted him to remember me
even when laying in his casket. I stepped back
and looked at him, I had forgot there were
people in the room with us, I forgot Aphindiwe
was standing in the same room watching me.
I turned and looked at her, she was looking at
my shirt which had blood dots before she
shifted her eyes to my face. She had that look,
that look when she'd look at me like she didn't
recognize me at all. Her eyes were teary and
honestly right now I didn't give a damn whether
she was happy with what I did or not. I had to,
no man touched what was mine and got away
with it.
145th Entry

Aphindiwe

Right now, I was in the bath tub, crying my heart

out. When we arrived at George, Phumla ran a
warm bath for me and told me to take all the
time I needed. I asked for some privacy, I
wanted to be alone and think about my life, my
relationship and the experience that had just
changed my life. I brought my knees close to
my chest and placed my head on them, that
was right after fixing my way of sitting, I needed
to make sure I wasn't hurting my ass. By
closing my eyes I freed the tears I been holding
back and allowed more to flow, I was hurting
beyond what I could handle.
I don't know how long I been sitting in that
position, crying, until there was a knock on the
door, I didn't shift my eyes from the taps I been
staring at for more than ten minutes now. I
didn't have to ask nor guess who it was, his
cologne filled the room immediately when he
closed the door. He took a single step and
stopped, this whole time I could feel his eyes on
me, after a long while he took one more step
and cleared his throat...
"We still have to drive off home Phindi."
If I wasn't as shattered as I was at that moment,
I would have pardoned the "home" term but I
didn't have the energy in me. He came closer
and squatted in front of the tub, even by now I
still had my eyes on the taps, and this time
around only because I did not want to look at
him. He extended his hand to touch my leg,
right when his fingers made contact with my
skin I moved it away causing him to stop and
look at me
Mihle: "Aphindiwe?"
I kept quiet and closed my eyes instead,
blinking the tears which had filled them, he
brought his thumb up to my left eye and tried
drying it
Me: "Could you leave me alone?"
Mihle: "Intoni? (What?)"
Me: "I need to be alone Mihle. I need to be
alone."
I eventually shifted my eyes from the taps and
looked at him, I couldn't read his facial
expression because it seemed blank, he
remained still but furrowed his eyebrows
instead of making an attempt of standing and
leaving like I had asked him to. We kept eye
contact for a while before averted my eyes and
stared into space, once again a couple of tears
my eyes. There was silence, for a couple of
seconds I couldn't hear him breath, I would have
swore he had left my side if it wasn't for his
cologne which indicated he was still here.
Mihle: "Ndizo..."
He cleared his throat trying to get rid of the
cracky tone he spoke in. I looked at him and
almost felt bad for seeing him this way, his eyes
were red and teary, he had a vein visible on his
forehead and from the side of his face I could
see he was tightening his jaws together. He
looked away immediately when I made eye
contact with him and sighed, bowing his head. I
wanted to touch him, a huge part of me wanted
to hold him and have him take me in those
arms that felt like home but at that moment I
feared not feeling the usual, I feared how at the
back of my mind I knew I'd hate even being
there. He stood and touched my shoulder
before sniffing
"Ndizobe ndise sitting room. (I'll be at the
lounge.)"
I didn't nod nor respond. I listened to his
footsteps walk towards the door and leave the
bathroom before I let out all the hurt I felt from
this simple encounter him and I just had. The
crying process I was going through started off
silent, but proceeded to having hiccups then
sounds. I placed my hands over my mouth and
tried controlling my sobs, I was more than hurt,
the feeling I was feeling is indescribable, I was
broken beyond repair if that made any sense.
What emotionally destroyed me the most was
falling out of love when I felt I needed it the
most, I needed to be loved, to have someone
hold me and tell me I was going to heal but the
person who was keen on doing that wasn't the
man I was ready to have myself ripped around
his arms.
I sat there for God knows how long before I
managed to control myself and contain my
feelings. I stepped out of the bath tub and
cleaned it before I moisturized my body and
wore a pair of leggings without panties, the only
undergarments I owned were g-strings and right
now I couldn't wear any of those. I wore a baby
blue baggy shirt I had brought and my white
socks before pushing my feet into my slippers. I
dragged myself to the mirror where I examined
the side of my face, it was painful and ached
but Dabawo had given me painkillers for it so
they worked a little. I touched it and hissed
when I felt my cheekbone was swollen, the skin
was torn too. Sisi Phumla had helped me clean
it with Dettol however it still looked gruesome. I
packed my bags and drank another two
painkillers before I made way to the lounge, the
silence in that room irritated me, you would
swear someone had died and they had just
received the news. The television was switched
off to make matters worse. When I walked in, a
couple of heads looked up, obviously my eyes
were on Mihle, he looked like he was crying too
because his eyes were red and teary
"Uqgibile? (You done?)"
His voice had that thing at the back of it which
indicated he had just finished crying, I nodded.
Bhuti Bulelani had his eyes on me the whole
time, the sympathy his stare carried was what
triggered the lump I had when I looked at him, I
felt my eyes filling with tears once again. I
looked down and allowed them to drop on the
tiled floor before I brought my hand up and
dried my eyes which I failed because more
tears kept coming. It wasn't long until I saw
Mihle's shoes standing in front of me and
before I knew he took me in his arms, believe I
wasn't planning on losing control but when he
did that, ndakhala sana, esona sikhalo (I cried,
one cry) which had loud sobs, hiccups and
everything. I figured he didn't know what to do
with me because he kept on brushing my hair,
whispering things in my ear, kissing the top of
my head, brushing my back but none of those
were able to calm me down instead I was
getting weaker, that's when he picked me bridal
style and carried me outside to the veranda,
where he carefully placed and took a step back
away from me but not breaking skin contact
because he still had his hands on my waist
Mihle: "Pheza baby, pheza. Ndiyakucela
Mambhele, uzobanentloko (stop baby, stop.
Please Mambhele, you'll have a headache)"
He came closer and took me in his arms again,
it took forever for me to actually calm down, to
stop the crying, only had hiccups left. He took
my face in his hands, careful not to hurt my
bruised cheekbone, he looked at me
Mihle: "I know I failed you, ndiyayazi uba there's
nothing I can do nor say which could make this
better."
He closed his eyes and took his bottom lip
between his teeth, biting on it hard before he
opened them and continued
"But ndiyakucela Phindi, ungandishiyi (But I beg
you Phindi, don't leave me)"
I was taken by surprise because I haven't yet
took that decision but he already knew I was
going to. Maybe his instincts told him
something wasn't right, did men instincts work
nah because at times lamadoda acted like they
didn't have any of those. I removed his hands
from my face and stepped away from him
Me: "Ubuthe ufuna sihambe (You said you
wanted us to leave). Can we leave?"
I fidgeted with my nails and looked elsewhere
but at him, I didn't have the energy for this, I just
wanted to sleep long enough to forget this
happened. He took a step closer, closing the
gap between us, I was forced to look at him
because he was now crowding me
Mihle: "We not done talking about this."
If I was in any state better than this I could've
chuckled because I felt I was done but because
I wasn't alright I just kept quiet. He placed his
hand on my waist and guided me inside, there
he addressed Dabawo telling her we were
leaving, she asked us to say a short prayer
before that, which we did. Mihle retreated to the
bedroom and returned with my bags, I was
having a conversation with uDabs about how I
should pray and ask God for protection and
strength, her words felt like salt on the wound
because what we were talking about had just
happened a few hours back. She took my in a
mother hug and told me I'll be okay,in a matter
of time, she surprised when she told me to take
her number from Mihle and call her whenever I
needed
Dabawo: "Ndikhona nakulo whatsapp wenu ke
mntanam (I'm available on these whatsapp
things my child.)"
I found myself laughing in between my sobs
before I nodded and gave her one last hug
Dabawo: "Uphole ke Mambhele (Heal
Mambhele)"
Me: "Enkosi Dabs (Thank you aunt)"
"Mihle."
He turned from the trunk of his car where he
was packing the bags and looked at me before
passing his eyes to uDabawo
Dabawo: "Ndingakhe ndilinge ndivhe kuthwa
ubulele. Zinintsi endlela zolungisa izinto
mntanam (I better hear any rumors that you've
killed. There are many other ways of fixing
problems my child)"
He faked a smile before closing the trunk and
taking a few steps to his aunt, he took her in a
warm hug before placing a kiss on the top of
her head, he walked over to Phumla and hugged
her as well
Mihle: "MaFhaku, masihamba. Cape Town ikude
xa silapha (MaFhaku let's leave. Cape Town is
far when we here)"
We stepped into the cars and waited for
Bulelani to drive out first before we followed,
leaving the two ladies with nothing but a couple
of hooters. Honestly our way back was
sickening because nobody spoke, in fact there
was nothing to talk about not in the kind of
moods we were in. The only time I remember
somebody talking was when Mihle asked if
pizza was okay and Zizipho replied with a lousy
"ewe". He made calls to the next debonairs we
were going to come across and ordered four
large pizzas, two for the people riding in the
Wrangler and two for us. I wanted to tell him to
order three instead because I wasn't hungry but
I wanted to avoid anything eyayizondithethisa
(that was going to have me talk) so I went with
the flow. We were still 260km to Cape Town, at
least that is what the last board read when we
passed it, I would know because I had my head
against the window, staring outside this whole
time. Our next stop was a garage where Mihle
filled his fuel tank and bought a couple of
snacks, by now you might have taken note that
he was a loyal fan to wine gums, he wouldn't
leave the garage without a packet of those. He
stepped out carrying water and a grape Krush
too, paid off his petrol fee and we were off once
again. Honestly I could have slept on the way
because I was drowsy but every time I closed
my eyes flashbacks of what I had just been
through came racing and the hurt increased so I
avoided sleeping. We came to our second stop
at 22:37, that was where we collected our
pizzas before we drove off and never stopping
again.
Mihle heeded on how I been holding the same
slice for over twenty minutes, he kept on
glancing at my hand then at me before he finally
spoke...
"Cela utye (Please eat)"
Me: "Andilambanga (I'm not hungry)"
Mihle: "You haven't had anything the whole day."
Me: "Andilam..."
Mihle: "Aphindiwe could you eat, please!"
He raised his voice a little louder and
announced the please through gritted teeth, he
had his eyebrows furrowed and was looking at
me before he broke the eye contact and looked
at the road. I could see the exesparation he was
feeling but I couldn't help it, I didn't have it in me
to actually take something in my tummy so I
wasn't going to eat. I placed the slice back in
the box before I handed it to Zizipho, I could feel
his stare from the corner of his eye.

It seemed like two years until we arrived in

Belmar, in honesty I would've preferred being at
the dorm right now, to cry myself to sleep and
have nobody feel pity towards me. I would
probably be alone because my roommate was
never around and it was the beginning of the
weekend ontop of that. Immediately after we
walked into the house I made my way to his
bedroom, carrying my handbag only, because
he had offered to bring the other bags inside. I
was about to step into his room when Zizipho
called my name in a low tone, I turned and
looked
Zizipho: "Awulambanga? (Aren't you hungry?)"
I shook my head and looked at her, waiting for
her to say something or ask
Zizipho: "I'm sorry."
Me: "I'm okay"
I opened the door and walked inside, I wasn't
trying to be rude but I just didn't want to touch
on this now, and I wasn't comfortable with all
the sympathy I was receiving. I was standing in
the middle if the room, with a pillow in my
hands, my mind far away when Mihle walked in,
frightening me to death. He stopped moving
when he saw how much shock I had took in
from his bugging in
Mihle: "Uxolo (Sorry)"
I avoided looking at his shirt but because the
human eyes always had you look at things you
weren't planning on looking, I ended up glancing
at it, concentrating on the blood that stained it.
He placed my bags next to the built-in wardrobe
before he removed his shirt and vest. I was
standing at the end of the bed when he walked
towards me and stopped right at the back of
me, touching on my shoulder, without thinking it
through I stopped breathing and closed my
eyes. He slowly removed his hand from my
shoulder and took a step back, this I knew
because he created a gap between us
"Ndijonge Aphindiwe (Look at me Aphindiwe)"
I blinked away the tears I felt overflowing my
eyes before I turned and looked at his chest, not
at his eyes. He held my chin and titled my head
looking at me with so much hurt
Mihle: "I don't want to bruise you but I need us
to talk about this..."
His hand remained on my chin meanwhile he
was looking at me without saying a word for
almost a minute long
"I know the way you felt ngam izolo isn't the
same as namhlanje (long pause) I know this
because I can see the hatred in your eyes."
He finally let go of my cheeks and stepped
away from me, bringing his back on me. I held
my breath and waited for his next words but
when he turned and just stared at me, his eyes
narrowed and teary I knew shit was real, not
just for me but for the both of us. He didn't dare
to blink, not even once, maybe he thought by
closing his eyes for that second I'd be out of
sight. The tears which overflowed his eyes
escaped making contact with his cheeks, then
that lump returned, choking me. I watched how
he opened his mouth to talk but closed it again
because maybe he couldn't find the right words,
or he didn't have the words at all.
He turned around, facing me with his back
again before he shook his head countless times,
he stopped in front of the hairdresser and
leaned on it, bowing his head. Have you seen
how you often stand rooted on one place after
being bawled at by your parents, not knowing
what to do, that was me right there. How was
this affecting him so much when the person
who seemed to be bothering him the most was
now dead, I mean that was the ground basis of
the story, killing him because he had harmed
me. After a very long moment of silence he
grunted and sighed, loudly prior to bringing his
hand to his eyes and drying them. He turned
around and did the exact thing he did about five
minutes ago, undibuka (to stare at me), this
man really had it hard when it came to
expressing himself, it always seemed like
something was continuously kicking on him
from the inside every time he opened his mouth
to speak. He interrupted my thoughts when he
sighed again
Mihle: "Oko ndifikile kuwe namhlanje khange
nakanye undijonge ngalandlela undijonga ngayo
(Ever since I came to you today, you haven't
even once looked at me like often did) not even
when I stepped in that room. (Long pause) I
wasn't expecting you to smile Phindi, you were
in pain so I wasn't expecting you to smile but
you know what (pause) kukho landlela (there's a
certain way) you looked at me a couple of
months back when you were laying in that
hospital bed, that look Mambhele, ayikho."
I parted my lips to talk but I was at loss for
words, instead of talking, ndakhala (I cried)
"You're falling out of love Aphindiwe and it's
happening too fast."
Me: "I'm not"
I managed to say in a cracky voice. I wouldn't
say I was falling out of love, I didn't want to say I
was falling out of love, I just believed I needed
some space, time of my own to deal with it
Mihle: "Ndingakunyanzela uba uhlale (I could
force you to stay) but I don't want to, I've put
you through hell already. Kodwa ndinesicelo (I
have a plea) allow me to be part of your life until
you heal. I need to make sure you're safe (long
pause) I'd be at peace Aphindiwe if I'd see you
waking up right there..."
He pointed my side of the bed, causing me to
smile. I know some of y'all will take this is a
form of stupidity, no, it was just a positive
reaction to something really romantic that was
side
"Every morning until you get that smile back and
if by then usandibona okwe nja, I'll let you walk
away and go find what you deserve."
Jonga Apha ke ntombi (look here girl), there's
no female that wouldn't melt to these words
unless you gay, I know I did but I was too numb
to show any emotion at that particular moment
and time so instead of jumping on him and
kissing him all over, I kept quiet and looked
down. He walked towards me and cupped my
face with his manly hands right after stopping
infront of me
Mihle: "Knowing you might need some time
(pause) I won't touch you. It's not the sex I need
from you, ndifuna ukubona uvuka ecal'kwam (I
want to see you wake up next to me) until you
better to stand on your own."
Me: "You've said so many things, I don't know
whi..."
He traced my bottom lip with his thumb and
sadly, my body didn't react like it used to. I was
just sexually harassed a few hours ago , I
wasn't expecting it to respond
Mihle: "Sleep on it."
He placed a kiss on my forehead before moving
back, giving me my space. He collected his
toiletry while I was getting ready for bed, I recall
checking the time and seeing that he had close
to forty minutes in there and the shower was
still running so maybe he too needed his time.

I shifted on the bed, not from a nightmare,

thanks to the sleeping pills I took, but from
cheekbone which was hurting and aching. I
opened my eyes and to my surprise Mihle's side
of the bed was empty. The way his pillow
looked indicated that a head was resting there
not long ago, I turned and almost died of shock
when I saw him sitting on that couch, looking at
me, in the dark.
Me: "Wenzani? (What are you doing?)"
Mihle: "I need to see your father."
146th Entry
Andrew

I had been out of the province for a couple of

weeks to attend some business I had running in
Johannesburg. My flight that Saturday was in
the early hours of the morning, quarter to seven,
I had booked it with the intentions of squeezing
in some time to rest when I arrived at the Cape.
When I arrived at my place, sleeping was the
first thing I did before waking up and preparing
to meet up with the boys, it was the aircraft
show after party today so Cape Town was
vibrant and the town was packed.
Subsequently, I found myself at the mall, to pay
off my debits in all these shops I bought
clothing at before I made my way to the Palms
Pub and Grill where the boys were gathered
already. This was one of our favourite spots to
chill, the vibe was calm, nothing heavy and too
crowded, that's what we liked about it, dit was
nie die kind of plek you'd find mense fighting.
I made way inside and immediately spotted the
gents, only because it wasn't packed as yet, it
was in the afternoon after all.
Oupa: "Hier's die bulldozer (Here's the
bulldozer)"
Me: "Laaitie, awe."
I pulled him in a brotherly hug before hugging
Jason as well, the rest of them were seated so I
only shook their hands. I found myself a seat
between Sticks and Jason
Lwandile: "You're all sweet and things lekker
kaka ndin."
Me: "Ya my Laaitie, djy sien mos Jozi was baie
vriendlik to me (Yes my boy, you see mos
Johannesburg was very friendly to me)"
I was holding the bottle of Hennessy, fixing my
self a dashed shot in those plastic cups
Me: "Y'all bought anything. Om te eet (to eat)"
Jason: "A couple of some grills yeah but it's
nothing groot, we was waiting for you."
Me: "Let them come through first."
Jason nodded before he took a sip from his
glass. Most of us had our heads turned towards
the television, going on about the rugby match
that was playing until Sticks got our attention by
saying...
"Het djulle gehoor, daa' bulldozer General is kak
dood (Did you guys hear, that bulldozer General
is shit dead)"
I placed my glass on the table for turning to
look at Sticks straight in the eyes, this tiny man
here was a comedian so you'd never know
when he was honestly telling the truth and when
he was fooling around with words
Me: "Come again!"
Oupa: "I had Mthembu call me this morning and
reported that but he too wasn't sure. Mahfucker
seemed happy when he announced ezondaba
(the news)"
"Wanner and waa' het die nonsense gebeur?
(When and when did this nonsense happen?)"
I asked still trying to comprehend what these
gents were saying, nobody had way of killing
that man, whenever you tried you would never
win, it always seemed like was walking with
umuti everywhere he went
Oupa: "George."
Jason: "Was he owning any place in George?"
Oupa: "Ek weet nie (I don't know)"
Me: "Well he often did travel to George
countless times when him and were still okay"
Jason: "Before he became a poes."
Sticks: "Daa' ou was n poes van all poeses."
Me: :Weet die mense wie hom gejikikela? (Do
the people know who killed him?)"
Sticks: "Nie (no)"
Oupa: "Da poes moet oorkant gaan en n newe
lewe begin (That asshole must go overseas and
start a new life)"
Me: "(chuckles) I'm trying to think who was the
last person that wasn't on lekker terms with
him."
Oupa: "Asshole Miles always had a problem
met die bulldozer."
Jason and I burst in laughter, I was expecting
him to say that, he hated Miles even way more
than General did.
Me: "Miles been trying to end the Laaitie but
failed countless times."
Oupa: "Because he's a pussy"
Jason: "He done a lot though, the guy wasn't
just easy to kill"
Oupa: "I been saying that djy moet met Miles
fuck, djy feel die kak baie (I been saying that
you should be fucking with Miles, you really feel
him):
Jason: "That's because he didn't take any pussy
from me before I even tasted it ."
Sticks was the first one to laugh before we all
joined in, except for Oupa of course, instead of
joining in he got up from where he was seated
and showed Jason the middle before retreating
to the restroom
Jason: "Djys weak! (You're weak!)"
Oupa showed him another finger before
disappearing behind the wall which had the
passage to the restroom. Sticks was still trying
to contain himself from laughing
"He gets mal altyd (mad all the time) this topics
brought up!"
He managed to say between laughs, holding his
bottle of Heineken and taking a sip from it. Two
ladies came holding two platters each, we tried
clearing the table so they place those
Me: "Sana lwam (my baby), look here babe,
please add another two platter."
Girl: "Meat platter?"
Me: "Yeah and add chips too, potato chips."
She nodded writing it on that small book they
often carry around in their aprons. We devoured
the food while chatting and having serious
conversation about how the business was
going to move on from here. The deal with the
people in Johannesburg, all we needed now
was a working team and determination then
Sticks would sooner drive the Bentley he
wanted so badly. The idea was to spend a few
hours together and just inform the gents about
everything, so when we were done with the
drinks and food we left, only planned we'd meet
up again at the aircraft show after party.

There were a couple of thousands I had to go

give my sister, to pay off the rent for her flat,
groceries and just pocket cash so that meant
driving to her place. That's exactly what I did
immediately when I parted ways with my boys, I
took some time and drove to Stellenbosch, right
when I was outside her flat I called her
"Bota? (Brother?)"
Me: "Kom uit (come out), I'm here."
Kimberley: "Sure."
My little sister being herself, she took forever to
come out, well I had gotten used to it by now, so
instead of panicking I always turned off my
engine and waited for her. She came out
eventually walking with Luthando, one would
swear these two were dating, their friendship
was on some other levels but because I knew
they loved dick, I didn't make up such
conclusions. Immediately when they stepped
outside the gate, they stopped for a few
seconds, gossiping. I rolled down the windows
off my car and watched how they both grinned
when they hung on my windows, Luthando was
on the passenger window while Kim was
leaning on mine
"When did you get back?"
Me: "Vandag (Today)"
Kimberley: "Hoe het djy geweet ek is honger vir
die geld? Ek het niks op my (How did you know
I'm hungry for this money? I have nothing on
me.)"
Me: "Wanner ek weet you're bad at saving
(Because I know you're bad at saving)"
Kimberley: "Wat?! Those are lies"
Luthando giggled, shaking her head on the
other side of the car
"But you are chomma."
Kimberley pulled a face, before rolling her eyes.
I pulled a white envelope from my cabinholder
and opened it. I pulled out the first stack and
handed it to her
"This other one I'll put in your bank. I don't trust
you with so much chankura."
Kimberley: "I wasn't going to lose it."
Me: "Are you guys alone?"
Kimberley: "Ya. Hoekom? (Why?)"
Me: "Is Aphindiwe still your friend because it's
months since I saw y'all with her."
Luthando: "She is but we're worried sick about
her."
Me: "What happened?"
Kimberley: "She hasn't been on the phone for
over three days now, not answering our calls
and that's unlike her"
"She didn't even come to aircraft show. Like we
planned for that, so she ended up not pitching,
didn't even give us a reason why not."
I looked at Luthando before turning my eyes to
my sister. I switched the engine of my Ford
Ranger and looked at them
Me: "I'll be off then"
Kimberley: "Nog een guns (one more favour.)"
I looked at her, and by staring at her she
assumed I was listening to she spoke
"Please laat ons Miles bel met djou cellphone.
Ons wil net weet dat sy ok is (Please let us call
Miles with your cellphone. We just want to know
that she's okay."
I took my iPhone 6 and gave it to her, that was
used for the calls mostly then my Samsung was
for whatsapp. She took my phone and searched
for his name, presuming she had found it when
she placed the phone against her ear. I
switched off the engine of my car and waited
Kimberley: "Hello. Hi, you're talking to Kim,
Drew's sister (pause) Ek het n probleme hierso,
I can't get hold of Phindi. Is she perhaps there
with you?"
By now, Luthando was standing next to Kim
whispering to her that could she please put the
phone on louder speaker which my sister finally
did
"Please give her the phone."
They were both smiling, Thando even had a
victory dance for it. Aphindiwe said a soft hello
on the other side of the line
Kimberley: "Girl, I am so mad at you. In fact we
are so mad at you. Ons is mal. Wat het met jou
gebeur?"
Aphindiwe: "Something terrible happened and I
had to rush home. I'm sorry I didn't inform y'all."
Luthando: "And you not picking up our calls?"
Aphindiwe: "Well to avoid disappointing you
guys. I'm sorry man"
Kimberley: "Okay. As long as you good then we
super fine. We were worried sick about you."
Aphindiwe: "Thanks lovers, I'm good."
Kimberley: "We want to see you and that means
driving there. So you better go on whatsapp and
send us your location."
I listened to how she giggled on the other side
of the line, this girl was a lady, never loud even
when she was happy or excited
"But why would you guys...?"
Luthando: "Because we want to see you. Better
send the location or we're dumping you as your
friends."
Aphindiwe: "Fine, I'll go on whatsapp and send
it."
Luthando: "Alright baby"
Kimberley: "See you in like an hour"
Aphindiwe: "(giggles) sure."
When Kimberley handed back my cellphone she
took note of the smile that was on my face
Kimberley: "Why you smiling like that?"
Me: "Niks, let me go."
She moved back from the window and blew me
a kiss before mouthing a "dankie" showing me
the envelope
"Whatever."
Was my response before I backed away and
drove off. Everything else could follow now, as
long as I knew my first priority had her monthly
allowance.

Aphindiwe

Immediately after I ended the call with

Kimberley I found myself smiling for the first
time since yesterday
Me: "Bafuna uza apha (They want to come
here)"
Mihle looked at me as he was taking his
cellphone from me. He didn"t reply, instead just
carried on watching the sport news he has been
watching for the past hour
"Bangeza? (Can they come?)"
He turned his head and looked at me in
between narrowed eyes, often times when he
narrowed his eyes it was from irritation but now
it was the exact same look he gave me
yesterday before he cried
Mihle: "Ewe. I'll excuse you guys."
I faked a smile and got up to go get my
cellphone from his bedroom. Things were a
little awkward in the house, we didn't have
conversation like often and the whole laughs
and playing around we did was gone. I believe it
was because he felt like I didn't want him
anymore, that I didn't love him anymore. Even
though for now I was okay with him not
touching, I wanted him to be around. I retreated
to the lounge and found him seated there, he
was typing in his face while he kept on looking
up at the television every now and then.
It was a few minutes before two when I heard
music outside, and a couple of laughs. Mihle
got up from his seat and walked over to me, he
placed a long kiss on my forehead before
walking towards the passage and to his
bedroom. I walked over to the door and smiled
before opening the door. Luthando was the first
to jump on me right after I opened the door, I
took a few steps trying to find some balance,
when she got off she took a few steps and her
smile faded right after she looked at me. Fuck, I
forgot I was bruised
Luthando and Kimberley: "What happened?"
They asked simultaneously but the difference
was Kim questioned me in Afrikaans
Me: "Long story. Come in."
They stepped inside, Kimberley wouldn't stop
looking at her with her mouth half hanging
Me: "Can you stop. It's really creeping me out."
Kimberley: "But what happened?"
Me: "Thug, gun."
I lied
Luthando: "Gun?"
Me: "When I went home people came breaking
in man so I received this from one of them."
I managed to lie and they bought it because I
was all chilled and relaxed about it. It was a
story I been playing out in my whole head the
moment they said they were coming
Kimberley: "But it's bad. Aren't you scared it
could cause a permanent scar? I mean djy het
such 'n pragtige vel (a beautiful skin.)"
Me: "Have thought of it, and honestly I hope it
doesn't."
Luthando was looking around before she sat on
the couch Mihle was sitting on a few minutes
ago
Kimberley: "Where's the beast?"
Me: "(giggles) he's taking a shower."
She got up and walked pass my couch before
she stopped halfway through to the kitchen
"He won't mind right?"
Luthando: "You gain all sorts of respect when
you're around this guy."
Kimberley: "That's because he's all sorts of
aggressive"
I looked at her with a questioning look, "what?"
is what she shouted heading to the kitchen. I
turned and looked at Thando who was staring
at me with so much concern
Luthando: "Yonke into iright kodwa ekhayeni?
(Is everything alright though at home?)"
Me: "Ewe why?"
Luthando: "All this disappearing acts you keep
pulling azindonwabisi (they don't make me
happy)"
Me: "(giggles) hayi I'm good babe."
I lied for the second time that afternoon. Lying
to them never made me feel good because they
cared so much so I honestly wasn't proud but I
couldn't let them know what happened, for
myself and reputation and for Mihle's sake. She
nodded before changing the channel to MTV
base and turning the volume up a little.
Kimberley stepped out of the kitchen carrying
the ice cream tub which was in the freezer not
long ago and an Ultra mel
"Baby please tell me these are yours."
Me: "Nope they're are his."
Kimberley: "You are kidding right! Are you sure
he's not gay?"
Me: "(laughs) No! He's just got a sweet tooth"
Kimberley: "Wow. Your man is just wow."
She stepped back into the kitchen, muttering
some words to her self. Luthando and I got in a
chat about school and how much I felt I was
really behind, we would be writing exams in less
than a month and that meant I should have at
least been halfway through with studying. She
was advising Me on how I should go to school
and ask for some extra lessons from my
lectures, some of them would provide a few
minutes only because they didn't want students
failing their modules. I was about to comment
on that when Kimberley walked in with a bowl in
her hand and a spoon in her mouth, she was
about to say something when she freezed
instantly staring at the passage. I turned my
head towards the direction she was staring at
and understood her sudden change of attitude,
Mihle had just came through, only in shorts. He
looked at her before passing his eyes to me
then to Luthando
"Please pass me lo laptop."
Luthando gently held his Apple laptop and gave
it to him, along with the charger, he nodded, a
way of thanking her before he turned and
headed back to his bedroom. Right when he
was out of sight Kimberly sighed before she
whispered a soft yet loud "shit"
Kimberley: "Girrrrl! No I think I want him back.
You don't say that you're eating that everyday."
My mouth hung open
Me: "Not everyday"
Kimberley: "Why not? Baby girl I would."
Me: "Sex get irritating at times. There's a time
for it and time for cuddles ntombi."
She was looking down at the passage as she
took a spoon full of ice cream into her mouth, I
threw her with a cushion, just because I didn't
want him that close to me for now didn't mean I
was okay with other women lusting over him.
Especially not my friends.
Me: "Stop!"
Kimberley: "Sorry but you know I wouldn't
(pause) I'm just a little surprised that he's that
tanned."
Luthando: "But you can tell from his clothes
chomma that he's got a great body"
Kimberley: "He don't need to dress, he look
better naked."
I threw her with a second cushion, she laughed
really hard while picking those up and throwing
them back to me
Me: "Sies Kim"
"Jokes man."
She found herself a seat next to me and looked
at the television
Me: "Thando Awufuni nto wena? (Luthando
don't you want anything?)"
Luthando: "Pizza and booze would do me good
now"
Me: "Okay."
I got up and retreated to the bedroom, I wanted
to tell Mihle that I'd be going with Kimberley and
Thando just to grab a few stuff since I was
planning on using my card. I walked inside the
bedroom and found him sitting on the couch,
laptop on his lap, he looked up when I walked in
Me: "Sizoya eshop okay (We'll be heading to the
shop okay?)"
Mihle: "Wena nabani? (You and who?)"
Me: "Me and the girls. Bafuna some booze."
"You can't leave."
Me: "What?"
Mihle: "Aphindiwe you were in great danger not
long ago, danger that completely took..."
He stopped talking and took a deep breath with
his eyes closed. He placed his laptop and stood
up
"I'll drive you guys."
I stood and watched him open the wardrobe
and pull out a black Puma T-shirt, I wanted him
to finish his sentence because I felt it would
bother me, I would think about it all the time. I
was in great danger that took away what? Me?
If that was his complaint then I don't know how
I'd help him, yes maybe I wasn't the same but I
needed time and I expected him to understand.
He was already in Markham's denim shorts and
they fitted him so perfectly, showing his light
skinned legs. He wore those closed men
slippers, his were grey, before he took his car
keys and wallet on the hairdresser
Mihle: "Sishiye esakho, I'll buy ezizinto
nizifunayo. (Leave yours, I'll buy the things y'all
want.)"
I nodded, took a few steps to the bed and
placed my wallet in my handbag that was ontop
of the bed, I walked over to the hairdresser
mirror and examined my face, despite the
wound that was on my cheek, under my eyes, I
still looked beautiful.
I was walking behind him as we walked to the
lounge, it surprised me how many of his clothes
still smelled of his cologne even when washed.
When we got the lounge Thando was holding a
glass of water standing in the middle of the
room talking to Kim who was still devouring the
ice cream she has dished for herself.
Me: "Masambene (let's go)"
Kimberley: "Where to?"
Me: "Luthando said she needed some food and
drinks"
Kimberley: "Were you serious?"
Mihle was standing at the door already, waiting
for us. Kim shrugged her shoulders before
getting up, not leaving the bowl with the ice
cream
Me: "How much of that did you fill that bowl
with?"
Kimberley: "It's Caramel babe, best ice cream
ever so I had to."
I found myself giggling as I opened the
passenger door, Luthando got at the back while
Kimberley was moving her car out of the way.
Mihle opened the second door garage for her so
she could park it in there and when she did, we
drove off and headed to the nearest shopping
complex. We ordered On the double, which
came along with a cold drink already as well as
one large and Mihle paid off before we walked
to Pick n Pay liquor leaving our orders to get
cooked. Luthando grabbed carry pack of
Smirnoff pine twist, Kimberley grabbed her own
Everson's Pear flavor and they all looked at me,
including Mihle
"Hayi andifuni usela mna. (No I don't want to
drink.)"
Kimberley: "Djys mal, we replacing the aircraft
show after party with this so grab yourself one
girl."
I pulled a face, looking at her then at Thando,
Lootlove just giggled sana shrugging her
shoulders. Kimberley muttered some beneath
her breath before she went back inside and
walked out with a carry of Everson's Apple
flavor. She handed it to me and looked at my
face as I was taking it from
"You'll love it. Stop pulling faces."
Mihle: "Imnandi (it's delicious)"
Me: "Drank it before? "
Mihle: "No but I've heard abantu beyincuma
(people say it's delicious)"
We walked over to the till and paid those off
before we headed back to Debonairs, got our
pizzas and left back to Belmar.
I stepped out of the car first since I had the
keys to the house, followed by Kimberley and
we went inside to drop off what we were
holding, I felt the need to go back outside to go
check if there was anymore help needed. Mihle
was checking if the car is locked while saying
something to Lootlove, of course she laughed
shaking her head. He raised his eyebrows at her
and looked at her, smiling, something he hasn't
been doing for the past two days. Knowing that
she was my friend I tried relaxing but my
curiosity grew when she shook her head smiling,
he took his lips between his teeth trying to
prevent his smile and actually looked at her in a
way which didn't sit well with me, his eyes
narrowed and smiling. She walked past me
laughing, maybe he was being friendly but I
didn't like it, more especially from the way he's
been looking at her thick behind.
He walked over to me and stood right in front of
me, closing the space between us. He placed
his hands on my waist and unexpectedly picked
me up, placing me on his shoulder. I was
giggling and kicking as he started walking
towards the house
Me: Mihle put me down!
"Andikwazi ukushiya phandle kaloku.
Awumamele lately wena (I can't leave you
outside. You don't listen lately)"
He came to stop in front of the door and placed
me down, I was still giggling and blushing from
having my ass close to his face. He pressed
me against the wall and narrowed his eyes at
me
Mihle: I missed that smile
He pressed his lips on my forehead before
stepping away and walking inside, leaving me to
drown in my own thoughts.
147th Entry

Mihle

When I returned back to my bedroom I left my

laptop charging and made myself comfortable
on the bed. A lot has changed, I honestly wasn't
the same and that was because my woman
wasn't the same, she had lost herself and for
the past hours I couldn't help but look at her
and wonder how and when she'd get better. I
wanted to talk to her about counseling, she
needed it but again I didn't want to offend her,
maybe she didn't think she had a problem but
with the amount of sleeping tablets she took
just not to wake up from nightmares, that
wasn't a way of getting rid of pain.
I wanted to talk to her father, and no I wasn't
going to report this but I wanted him to get her
transferred to WSU, or any university away from
the Western Cape, right after I've assured that
she's healed and back to the Aphindiwe I fell in
love with. I wanted her to leave, for safety
reasons but I didn't know how I'd address it to
her because I knew to her it'll seem like I was
getting rid of her because of what happened.
Seeing her every weekend wouldn't be a
problem, I could fly there and spend my
weekends at BnBs for her but I feared her
staying here would mean more harm towards
her because I'm definitely sure a number of
Bafana's know her, and to get to me they will
have to touch her. That's how it worked in this
thug game life, to have a man come upfront one
had to hurt his loved ones, and right now any
other man that would touch her, I wouldn't be
the same myself. I was still far in thought land
when my disturbed me, vibrating against the
hairdresser, I got up from the bed and went to
answer it
Me: "Groot man."
"Ndiyani checker ntwana, nigrand nemaid? (I'm
checking up on you boy, are you and the
madam okay?)"
Me: "Akufani nakuqala but uyangcembeza (She
isn't the same but she's taking it a step at a
day)"
Bulelani: "Ndikoyikile izolo ndaqonda
bandikunike ichance to get your thoughts
together, but uyayiqonda uba bekungamelanga
umbulele uGeneral. (I was scared of you
yesterday, I thought I should give you a chance
to get your thoughts together, but you do know
you weren't supposed to kill General.)"
I wasn't supposed to kill him for many reasons
but I was glad I had killed him for just that one. I
sighed, running my hand down my face
Me: "Ya, ndiyayiqonda Groot man (Ya, I do know
Groot man)"
Bulelani: "So what you plan on doing about it?
Because you do know legenge ayizosuka
kulento (because you do know this crew won't
move from this)"
Me: "I'm planning a way of convincing her dad
to take her back eMthatha."
He kept quiet for a while, that's was often his
way of showing uncertainty, or when he didn't
agree with something
"Usure? (Are you sure?)"
Me: "Yeyona ndlela yomkhupha engozini leyo
Groot man (It's the only way to keep her out of
danger Groot man.) She needs to be out of the
cape"
Bulelani: "As long as usure, then I can help you
nge plan."
Me: "Mandi ringer notatakhe k'qala (let me talk
to her father first) then I'll give you feedback."
Bulelani: "Sure ke Ndoda"
"Moja."
I removed the cellphone from my ear and
allowed him to do the hanging up. There were a
lot of things I needed to address to Aphindiwe,
firstly she needed therapy more than anything
secondly she needed to get treated, medically
but I was weighing ways of addressing the
matter to her, she was capable of being
sensitive to anything right now. I was still
drowning in my own thoughts when she walked
in, faking a smile
Aphindiwe: "Awuzotya? (Aren't you going to
eat?)"
Me: "Ndiyeza (I'm coming)"
Aphindiwe: "Or I could bring the food for you."
Me: "No, ndifuna uni joina (No, I want to join you
guys)"
She nodded before walking out. I decided to
make a quick phone call to Themba and book
him for tomorrow, I knew he never opened on
Sundays so I'd drive to his place for this. It was
a couple of rings when he picked up but a
female voice greeted
"Themba's cellphone hello."
Me: "Madam"
"What do you want Mihle?"
Me: "You're not the doctor my lady so please
give your husband the phone."
She giggled, saying something in Shona before
she called out her husband, after a few second
he greeted on the other side
Themba: "Mihle."
Me: "Themba, you good ntwana?"
Themba: "Standard my client how are you?"
Me: "Sudika kwedini, yaske ya formal apha kum
(Don't bore me boy, getting all formal on me.)"
Themba: "I know ungafouna nge weekend,
kukho inxaki (I know once you call during the
weekend, there's a problem.) What can I do for
you Mr Gabavu?"
Me: "I have a client I want you to attend
tomorrow boy."
Themba: "Bani lowo (who's that?) Baby mama?"
Me: "(chuckles) nope, ngumamekhaya (the
woman of the house)"
Themba: "Usadlala nangoku? (You still playing
even now?)"
Me: "Subangutata kum Themba (Don't be a
father to me Themba), you're doing a great job
as my doctor."
Themba: "(chuckles) ngomso I'll be available,
after church."
"See you then."
Themba: "Sure Mr Gabavu"
I ended the call before pushing my feet in my
slippers and heading to the lounge where the
three girls were sitting. I took note how Kim
always tensed when I was around but was the
loudest of this trio. I found a seat next to my
woman and encircled my arm around her waist,
I placed a kiss on her cheek before whispering
in her ear
"Now ungandiphakela (now you can dish for
me)"
She nodded before getting up and heading to
the kitchen. I turned to Kim and watched how
she was devouring the slice of pizza she had in
her hand
Me: "What's your full name? Khamila?"
Kim: "What?! No!"
Luthando cracked in laughter, her facial
expression made me chuckle too, she took
offense
Me: "What's wrong?"
Kim: "That's such a (pulls face) name"
Me: "It suits you better."
She stopped chowing and looked at me, that
feisty attitude returning in full speed. She was
still looking at me when Aphindiwe walked in,
carrying a fork, size plate and a rinsed glass
Kim: "Baby you better tell your man to stop
offending me. I am capable of killing him."
Aphindiwe: "(giggles) what did he do now?"
Phindi looked at me smiling, before she
whispered
"Wenzeni? (What did you do?)"
Kim: "He says I look like a Khamila and not a
Kimberle."
Aphindiwe laughed, Luthando joined in again. I
had my eyebrows furrowed at this Kimberley
chick, she looked at me before rolling her eyes
and looking away
Me: "Well Kimberley, please do get up and
switch on that PlayStation, sweetheart."
She rolled her eyes for the second time in less
than a minute before she got up and did as I
asked, Phindi was sitting next to me, holding
the size plate which had three slices of pizza.
Me: "Khamila, grab a joystick, let's play."
Kimberley: "You're such a bore."
Me: "I know"
She finished off the slice of pizza before
grabbing the joystick and looking straight at the
television screen. I connected my joystick and
looked at her, she was still looking at the
television that was until Aphindiwe poked her
"Mhuh?"
Me: "Connect your joystick"
Kim: "Hoe doen ek dit? (How do I do that?)"
Me: "Press this button."
I demonstrated from my joystick, she grinned
when it vibrated on her hand causing to me
chuckle and shake my head.
Kim: "Now I understand the excitement you
men get over this."
Me: "You haven't experienced nothing yet
Khamila."
"Kimberley!"
Me: "Get used to it already."
Kim: "I'll stop playing with you"
It was now my turn to roll my eyes, that was the
most ridiculous thing I've heard her say today
Me: "There's a single player option there babe.
See it? And I've got my wife and Luthando to
play with"
Kim: "Gosh you got an ego."
Me: "And you talk a lot."
Aphindiwe: "She does"
"Oh is that so? So this is a couple thing Huh?"
Aphindiwe: "Never babe but I was just agreeing
on that because it's true. But I love you still."
Kim: "I know. Who doesn't?"
"Stop being smug about it. Choose a game."
She surprised me when she selected MotoGp, I
found myself chuckling because of her choice,
many girls wouldn't know which game to pick or
it was the graphics which caught her attention
Kim: "Don't be too hard on me okay?"
Me: "On the game you mean, I wouldn't do you."
Luthando choked from what she was drinking, I
avoided looking at Phindi because I could feel
her eyes on me. I took my bottom lip between
my teeth and slowly turned my head towards
Kim then to Phindi, they both had their lips
slightly parted looking at me, I tried not to
smile but failed
Me: "Don't take it the wrong way (pause) it's all
because you're my girl's friend."
Aphindiwe: "And if she wasn't"
Me: "I wouldn't have known her."
Phindi rolled her eyes at me before turning to
the television, I wanted to place my hand on her
thigh like I would on other day but prevented
myself from doing so, I didn't any of us feeling
uncomfortable from that simple reaction
because I already knew how she was going to
react towards that and how I was going to feel
afterwards.
Kimberley and myself played the PlayStation,
about six races before she gave up, saying I
was playing with her like she were one of my
boys. Aphindiwe took the joystick from Kim and
smiled at me
"Masidlale (let's play)"
Me: "Same game?"
She nodded looking in my eyes, her eyes
immediately fell to my lips when I licked them.
Her reaction wasn't the same, this was not
because I wanted to see how she'd act, it was
just a not-thought voluntary move which she
happened to respond to. Bothered by it
obviously I looked away and tried pushing it
aside because if I thought it through, this mood
I was trying to enforce in myself would be
ruined. We started playing, she was really bad at
this as a result she kept on glancing at my
hands to see which buttons I was pressing and
using.
Me: "Let me teach you nge one player. You're
really bad at this."
Aphindiwe: "Inxaki I never found the fascination
kwi TV games, so I always watched when
people played"
Me: "Ndizokufundisa kengoku (I'll teach you
now) and we'll play together."
Kim: Why is she getting lessons and I didn't?"
Me: "Because you're a dude at this."
Luthando: "Phindi ndifana nawe, I'm clueless."
I shook my head placing her joystick on the Ed
table, I had selected one player for her so she
could learn the basics driving alone. I moved
closer to her and told her which button to press
first, she did, and the next and so forth. It wasn't
long until she smiled, enjoying it, that was prior
to her mastering the curve turn, she jumped off
her seat and did a victory dance for it, teasing
Kim along the way. It was half past five exactly
when our visitors decided they had to excuse us
so we could "bond" according to Khamila.
Me: "We done too much bonding Khamila, we
talk household items now."
She laughed, Luthando joining, looking at
Aphindiwe who was smiling at me speechless. I
shrugged my shoulders smiling before I
stepped closer and placed a kiss on her
forehead
"Walk our visitors out baby."
Kim: "Bye to you too. Thanks for borrowing us
your lounge."
I was a few steps away when she said that, I
turned and looked at her between narrowed
eyes, smiling, she looked away
"Thanks for the visit Khamila."
She had no other choice but to look at me again,
the ridiculous face she was pulling made me
chuckle, it was now her turn to narrow her eyes
at me, I raised my brow before passing my eyes
to Luthando who was texting on her phone
Me: "Bye Luthando"
Luthando: "Bye. Thanks for having us."
I nodded before walking away and heading to
my bedroom, there I grabbed my laptop along
with its charger and retreated back to the
lounge. Aphindiwe was still standing outside
with her friends, laughing, females had a lot to
say to each other, they couldn't pass a simple
message through without mentioning another
person's name then boom gossip. I kept on
glancing at the clock on the wall because I
honestly wasn't comfortable with her being that
far from me, even if it meant she was just a
couple of steps away, she was still far enough
to get hurt. I got up and went to the kitchen to
go grab a beverage, can of Play, to be specific
and when I stepped back into the lounge she
was standing at the doorway waving goodbye
before she stepped in and closed the burglar, as
well as the door. She immediately packed away
the size plates and forks that were on the table,
I helped her collect the pizza box and bottle
caps that were laying around. After throwing
those in the dustbin I stood by the counter and
watched her rinse the cutlery, if it were any
other normal day I would have been standing
behind her now, probably teasing her but
because I feared the type of reaction she'd give
me now, I stood where I was...
Me: "I've organised an appointment with a
doctor."
She didn't reply nor look at me
Me: "Aphindiwe?"
"Huh?"
"Undivile uba nditheni (Did you hear what I
said?)"
She turned and nodded before faking a smile, I
blinked a few times looking at her because I
just didn't know how to react to her being this
awkward
Aphindiwe: "To check if andiguli nah (if I'm not
sick). I get it"
Me: "For safety reasons Aphindiwe. Kufuneke
siqiniseke (we need to make sure)"
She was staring at her feet right now fidgeting
with the hard corner of the dish cloth. She took
her time before she looked at me again, her
eyes were a little teary at this moment
"Then what if I am sick? Then what?"
I did think of this but I hadn't yet concluded it
and now she was standing in front of me,
questioning about her health and there I was
doing the one thing women hated the most
when wanting the truth, hesitation. She nodded
before I could give her an answer, I knew she
had took my silence in another way when she
chuckled shaking her head
Me: "Mambhele."
She used the back of her hands to dry her eyes,
I couldn't remain where I was and watch her cry
so I walked up to her and stood in front of her,
she immediately placed her forehead on my
chest.
"What if ndiyagula (I'm sick) Mihle?"
Me: "You're not."
She remained still and only sobbed, honestly it
scared me, the thought of her being sick,
because I didn't know how I would act towards
that. I loved her and still do but health was
important, especially for a man of my kind, who
did most of the things I did in bed when I was
with a woman. I clenched my jaws and looked
away, holding her tightly against my chest.
"What if he had the virus?" was the question
that lingered in my mind now that she asked me
multiple times, I been trying to avoid it since
yesterday night but right now I needed to decide
and know what I will do tomorrow afternoon
when I hear that maybe she's infected. I pulled
back and cupped her face so she''d look at me,
she blinked, freeing the tears from her eyes, I
captured the left tear with my thumb and looked
at her. Seeing her in this condition pained me, it
bruised me and I'm pretty sure to her it might
have felt like she was going through this alone.
"Andiyi ndawo Bhelekazi wam, andiyi ndawo
(I'm going nowhere Bhelekazi, I'm going
nowhere)"
Those were the last words I had to said her
before she excused herself and went to the
bedroom. I spent over thirty minutes in the
kitchen, sitting on the chair and tapping my
fingers on the built-in table, thinking about all
possible outcomes. I was frustrated and
emotionally fucked because my guilt conscious
was reminding me every now and then that she
was in this state. I dragged myself to the fridge
and pulled out the water bottle, my muscles
were tense from all the stress, especially the
ones which stretched out from under my ears
to my neck. I filled the first glass and downed it,
the second glass I only drank half way and
placed it on the counter prior to leaning on it. I
closed my eyes and allowed myself to relax
which was impossible at that moment and time.
I sighed loud enough to scare away any mice in
this kitchen if there were any homing here.
A while after trying to think things through I
retreated to the bedroom and walked in to a
sleeping Aphindiwe, I stood at the door and
watched her, she was so peaceful as someone
who was stress-free but I knew once she woke
up, that feeling will return in thousands
crowding her thinking capacity. I walked over to
the couch where I sat and stared hard at her,
absentmindedly. If brain damage was caused
by too much thinking, I would have been raining
naked around this whole Belmar probably being
chased by females. Ndahlala kula couch for
over two hours, unable to bring myself to doing
something valuable, all I spent doing la two
hours was looking at Aphindiwe and feeling like
shit for putting her through so much sorrow.
I was leaning back on the couch, staring at the
ceiling when I heard her shift on the bed then
whimper. I fixed my way off sitting and
concentrated on her, she shook her head a
couple of times, whimpering from what seemed
like pain, I shot up as quick as lightening and
just when I was about to touch and wake her,
she snapped her eyes open, panting. She was
shaking and sweating, her eyes a little teary
Me: "It's just a dream Mambhele."
She was still panting, examining the room
before she looked at me, I was still trying to
assure her that it was just a dream and nothing
else. She brought her hands over to her face
and covered her eyes, I moved closer taking her
in my arms. I almost smiled when I felt her relax
to my touch, my insides turned with excitement
but still at the back of my mind I knew it might
have been her being needy of my closeness,
longing for someone to make her feel safe, it
certainly didn't mean she was okay with me
being this close to her.
I pulled back and took her face in my eyes
"Uright? (Are you okay?)"
She nodded before placing her one hand on my
forearm
Me: "I'll run you a hot bath while I take a shower.
We eating out."
She looked at me, her eyes almost speaking
from excitement. I didn't realize she was that
bored being in these walls with me. It isn't like
we've never spent the weekend together, we
always did but because things weren't the same,
there wasn't much talking, this weekend felt
really different.
Aphindiwe: "What's the occasion?"
Halfway through with unbuttoning my shorts, I
turned and looked at her, she had her eyes on
me <br>
Me: "I just feel I need the time out (pause) and
I'm not leaving you behind."
She nodded again while removing the flees
blanket from her legs. There was silence in the
room, each of us occupied with what we were
doing until she asked
"Does it require anything fancy? Dress code?"
Me: "Hayi. I was thinking Spur."
She half smiled.
In the shower I was thinking of everything but
the supper. My mind was all over the place, I
was thinking about my life, the child I had to be
a father to, the woman I loved who was now
bruised to life. How I felt so lost and deserted.
Ndandifuneke ndithathe ithuma ndiyokroba
Utata (I had to take some time and visit my
father)in his grave, I needed guidance, I was
longing for ooFhaku.
148th Entry

Nomthandazo

Being four months wasn't the easiest, in fact

being pregnant was the most irritating thing
ever; painful back, was picking up weight,
constantly tired and swelling ankles. Nothing
about carrying another being was sexy,
especially when the father wasn't around to at
least massage your feet. I was lazying around
on the couch with a packet of lightly salted lays,
my mind definitely not anywhere here, evident
that I wasn't even paying mind to what I was
doing I didn't even notice that these chips were
finished. I finally snapped out of it and gazed
around the room, my younger sister was on the
other couch, tying her Adidas ZX
Me: "Uyaphi? (Where you going?)"
She didn't respond and that was because of the
earphones she had plugged on her ears. I
shifted on the seat and extended my arm, with
two fingers I pulled out one side of the
headsets. She snapped her head up and looked
at me with her eyebrows furrowed
"Ndiyathetha (I'm talking)"
Azola: "Uthini? (What are you saying?)"
Me: "Uyaphi? (Where you going?)"
Azola: "Out."
Me: "Ayompendulo ke leyo (That's not an
answer)"
She got up fixing the denim jacket she was
wearing, next to the couch on the floor, was her
handbag. She placed it on the couch and
opened it pulling out her wallet which she
examined and placed back inside the handbag.
Me: "Azola!"
She stomped her feet and turned aggressively
"I'm going out Nomtha!"
Me: "Undishiya njani apha? (How are you
leaving me here?) You did hear umama clearly
that she said I should stay nomntu Apha endlini
for emergency reasons (I should stay with
someone here in the house for emergency
reasons)"
Azola: "Umama only said that because
uyakoyika ( Mom only said that because she's
scared of you)"
I raised my eyebrows at her, trying to take in
what she had just said. She grabbed her hand
handbag and headed for the door
Me: "Ngumtshana wakho (It's your
nephew/niece) that I'm carrying here!"
Azola: "And it's your child!"
She closed the door right after saying that. I
groaned, I was honestly irritated by her now, I
mean I couldn't everything by myself, I needed
some help here and there that's the reason
mother asked her to stay with me. Azola and I
never really saw eye to eye and I believe it's
because we were consecutive children, but now
that I was pregnant, it was worse. We barely
even spoke.
Ever since I arrived home, on Thursday, umama
noticed a few changes ngam (about me). Firstly
she was concerned about my return, which
honestly had no valid reason behind it. I has lied
and told them I missed them which is why I had
came to visit, I did miss them yes but I'd rather
spend time with Mihle. A mother will always be
a mother therefore you can never lie to these
people, if she gave birth to you, she'll know you
better than you know yourself. Although I
haven't said a word yet, I wanted to tell her and
dad that Aphindiwe has moved in with him, but I
did not know how to do that without having
Mihle get mad, so I was still finding a strategic
way of breaking the news to them. I wasn't
going to tell them he hit me, that would have my
father report assault against Mihle, and it would
take us back to stage one, my father not
trusting Mihle's intention with me. Getting him
to trust uFhaku was the hardest so I wasn't
about to remove that now. I removed his
number from my phone, just so I wouldn't text
nor call him but it didn't help much because I
had it memorized. I did attempt calling him
yesterday and to unfortunate luck, he never
picked up nor got back to me.
I pushed myself up the couch and headed to the
kitchen, I opened the fridge and took out the
strawberries along with the yoghurt, from the
drawer I took a spoon then retreated back to
the lounge. I wasn't your junk type of person but
since I carried this little one I was an addict of
yoghurt and chips. I placed my feet on the
coffee table and tuned in to channel 124, while
feasting. I didn't realize it was after half one
until my mother and Vhuvhu walked in, carrying
plastic bags and a small box of pizza. I didn't
mention to you, that too was now my favourite
Mama: "Molo ntombi (hello girl)"
Me: "Hello."
Mama: "Sikuphathele ipizza (We brought you
pizza)"
Me: "Enkosi Ma (Thanks mom)"
She disappeared into the kitchen then right
after Sivuyisiwe walked in, holding one plastic
bag and her handbag
Sivuyisiwe: "Afternoon."
Me: "Hey. How was church?"
"The best, as always!"
Vhuvhu shouted also disappearing into the
kitchen. After a while umama walked into the
lounge holding a bottle of water and a peach,
she looked at the huge clock on the wall before
finding herself a seat on one of the couches
Mama: "Uphi uAzola? (Where's Azola?)"
Me: "Gone out"
Mama: Out phi? (Out where?)"
Me: "I have no idea. She didn't say, uvele
waphuma nje (she just left)"
"Awambuza? (And you didn't ask her?)"
Me: "I did, but iresponse yakhe was ndiya out
(but her response was I'm going out.)"
I watched how my mother shook her head
before she took off her eye glasses
Mama: "Nenza istress. uAzola ngoku uzothi
ungenwe yintoni? Zange kaloku kwathethwa
naye angenzi lonto (Y'all are causing stress.
Would you say what has gotten into Azola? I
mean she was never told to do something and
never done it.)"
Me: "Amadoda (Men)"
She snapped her eyes towards me, giving me
that strict look. I shrugged my shoulders, I
mean it was true though
Me: "Umdala ngoku uAzola so she'll do as it fits
her and uyabona ngoku sele ungathi
uneboyfriend ncncnc (Azola is grown now
would she'll do as it fits her, and you see now
that she seems like she got a boyfriend
ncncnc)"
Mama: "She'll do as it fits her pha kwa hell not
apha kwam (she'll do as it fits her there in hell
not here in my house.)"
Me: "You'll have to talk to her then."
Mama: "Andiyazi uba kutheni ningafani
noVhuvhu. Ani...(I don't know why you guys
aren't like Vhuvhu. You gu...)"
"Not that again please mama. Yoh oko sihlala
sifaniswa noVhuvhu, haisoka (Yoh all the time
we're always compared to Vhuvhu, argh)"
Mama: "Inxaki uyamamela umntanam (that's
because my baby listens) as old as she is.
Ingathi nguye ilast born apha kulendlu (it seems
like she's the last born in this house.)"
I rolled my eyes and bit on the strawberry I was
holding
Me: "Reasons why I prefer uhlala kwa Mihle
(Reasons why I prefer staying at Mihle's)"
Mama: "Hamba kaloku mntanam. Uhambe nazo
zonke ezakho Bhelekazi (Then leave my child.
Leave with everything of yours Bhelekazi)"
I knew she was angry when she got up after
saying that, grabbing her handbag and making
way down the passage to her bedroom
Sivuyisiwe: "Nithi nditheni noMama? (What are
you and mother saying about me?)"
Me: "Go ask your mother."
She walked past the couch and I was sitting on
and stopped in the middle of the lounge
"Uphi uAzo? (Where's Azo?)"
Me: "Andimazi"
Sivuyisiwe: "Mxm uske wamoody (Mxm you've
became so moody.)"
She left me alone in the lounge. Even though
about an hour ago I complained about being
alone, I somehow wished they'd just go back to
church because for people who had gone to
praise the Lord, they walked in really negative.

Aphindiwe

Sunday morning was tense, I somehow wished I

could at least rewind time to yesterday night, at
Spur things were a little relaxed there, we
managed to wear smiles every now and then.
Mihle left in the morning taking Zizipho to the
airport, she asked for some time away from us.
She said she'd only return once the jobs she
had submitted CVs to contacted her. Yesterday
afternoon she was away, at the mall and
making flight bookings so now Mihle had gone
to drop her off. I was in the kitchen finishing off
the dishes we had used for breakfast, I was
listening to music from my cellphone through
headsets. I was down to the last plate, twist and
turning from the house song I was listening to
but when I turned and caught fright from Mihle
who was leaning on the counter looking at me, I
dropped the plate which broke when it made
contact with the ground...
"Fuck, could you make a sound next time you
walk in!"
I immediately removed the earphones from my
ear and looked at him, trying to calm myself
from the mini panic attack I had just
experienced
Mihle: "If you didn't have those plugged in your
ears, ngewundivile (you would've heard me)"
He was smirking, looking at me through the
naughtiest eyes. He moved from the counter
and walked towards the small pantry which had
all tools he owned as a man, first aid kit was
also there, placed on the top shelf as well as
three brooms. He pulled out the small sweeping
brush along with its dustpan
Mihle: "Ungayohlamba (you can go bath) I'll
finish these off."
I nodded even though he wasn't looking at me. I
stepped away from the glasses, careful not to
step on any of them, dried my hands and left
the kitchen.

By something to two I was done, standing in

front of the mirror looking at my chin which was
still bruised, but healing by day. It didn't look as
bad as it did a few days back, and all thanks to
the Detol I used on it twice a day. I fixed my
weave and applied some mascara and
Glastonberry Mac Matte lipstick. I no longer had
my bullring piercing on, together with my belly
ring, I removed them the day I was harassed
because some way or the other during the
struggles I might have hooked them
somewhere without noticing. My belly button
skin had torn a little but regards to my nose it
just felt painful, no mark was visible on it. I took
a decision that I'd stop wearing the belly ring
but definitely not my bull ring, I was waiting for
my nose to feel better then I'd have it on again,
which might be by tomorrow.
I was dressed in navy jeans, a white long
sleeved vest and my white converse. I
exchanged the handbag contents from my
brown handbag to my black Prada handbag. I
applied my perfume and stuck my make-up
inside, looked at myself on the mirror one more
time a0nd sighed. There was a contradiction
between the way I looked and felt, none of the
people who'd see me out there would tell that I
was raped three days ago, none of them would
assume that I felt like dying honestly, that
maybe I could be sick. I felt tears forming from
the back of my eyes, I closed my eyes trying to
prevent them from filling my eyes but I failed. I
turned away from the mirror and walked over to
the bed where I placed my handbag and sat, I
took my face in my hands and actually allowed
myself to cry. After a few seconds I knew Mihle
was standing at the door because my hair
stood every time he was around and his
cologne gave him away
"Phindi?"
When I sniffed he began walking towards me,
my head was still on my palms which were now
black from all the mascara
Mihle: "Ha.a Mambhele, not ngoku Nkosazana
yam, ndiyakucela Bhelekazi (No Mambhele, not
now my Princess, I'm begging you Bhelekazi)"
He was squatting in front of me, he opened my
legs and positioned himself in between them,
gently removing my hands from my eyes. Using
his thumb, he tried cleaning my left cheek, I
dried my eyes using the back of my hands.
Me: "Ndiyoyika (I'm scared)"
Mihle: "I know, I know Nhanha"
I closed my eyes and freed another flood of
tears, he stood up and hugged me, placing my
head on his abs. Right now I didn't care about
our surroundings closeness or anything, I really
wanted him to hold me. He dug his fingers in
my weave and tried soothing me, it worked only
after a long while, when I managed to contain
my hiccups. He took a step back and brought
me up using his hands, I was holding my
bottom lip between my teeth preventing it from
shaking, he hugged me, picking me up in the
process. My feet left the floor, I completed this
physical connection by encircling my arms
around his neck and placing my chin on his
shoulder
"Masibe right Nhanha, okay? (Let us be okay
Nhanha, okay?)"
I was in no state of answering so instead I
remained in the position I was in and allowed
him to carry me, he kept on tightening his arms
around my waist until he placed me down, close
enough to hold me around my waist using one
arm then the other hand he placed under my
chin, caressing my neck and chin. He placed a
kiss on my forehead and I felt my heart ache
from being a handful, he was trying but all his
work seemed useless because I wasn't healing
at all. He kept me in that position until he asked
"You ready?"
I sighed and nodded. He removed his hand and
stepped away, I walked over to the mirror and
fixed my eyes but I couldn't clean them properly
because some parts had dried already
Me: "Cela undijongele apho in my handbag
kukho facial wipes (Could you please look in my
handbag, there's facial wipes)"
Mihle: "How do those look?"
Me: "Uzozibona Mihle (You'll see them Mihle)"
He opened my bag and searched it, stopped for
some time and looked at me, I was about to talk
when he dug in again, taking out everything that
was in that bag, I stood with the most bored
face ever and waited for him. After taking out
my make up bag and wallet, he pulled out the
Clicks facial wipes and threw them to me. I
caught them and took out one, I tried relaxing
when I saw him walk towards me and stand
behind me, I didn't want to make him feel like he
wasn't supposed to touch, he was trying and I
saw that. Instead of touching his favourite part,
that being my waist, he fixed my hair, brushing
it over and over. I found myself smiling because
this was cute
Me: "Let's go."
We stepped out of the bedroom, in the kitchen
ontop of the counter were the Powerades he
bought us when he had returned from the
airport, there were five, three of which I placed
inside the fridge and the other two I took for
him and I. He longed up while I headed towards
the car. I questioned about the distance to this
place and when he told me it was less than
twenty minutes away I actually felt like asking
him to turn back. My stomach was turning
already, and that feeling whereby you feel like
there's a huge whole in your stomach was what
I felt at that moment. My palms were sweating
and I was really uneasy. I opened my Powerade
and downed it half way, he looked at me and
touched my thigh, squeezing it. I was fidgeting
with my fingers this whole time, unable to sit
still
Mihle: "Don't panic yet Phindi."
I shook my head, I couldn't. He found a place to
park his car and when he finally did, he turned
on the seat and looked at me
"Breathe babe. Breathe."
I closed my eyes and tried breathing, exhaled
and inhaled until I felt a little better, just a little.
He touched my hands which were shaking and
focused his eyes on me, eyes which carried so
much hope, I could see it through them
Me: "Ndoyika nyani Mihle (I'm scared for real
Mihle)"
Mihle: "Ndijonge Aphindiwe (look at me
Aphindiwe)"
I looked at him
"I can't tell you what the results will be but I can
promise you one thing, whether (long pause)
whether you're infected or not, you'll still remain
uAphindiwe. Now I want you to promise me that
you're not going to lose yourself because of
that."
The tears that filled my eyes escaped, I shook
my head and looked down, my tears falling on
our hands
Mihle: "I can't lose you twice Mambhele."
His voice was shaky, indicating that he was
close to shedding a tear. He brought his head
closer and our foreheads touched, I tightened
his hands which were still holding mine and
tried collecting myself. This took some time but
eventually I managed to stop the crying at least.
We drove nothing over ten minutes and we were
in front of a huge gate with high walls,
subsequently to stepping out and pressing the
button he made a phone call, asking the
Themba guy to open the gate. We drove in and
parked on the driveway, the house was
enormous but because my parents owned a
house of this size, I wasn't amused much. We
stepped out of the car and were immediately
approached by a dark guy, who wasn't really tall,
he was dressed in Navy formal pants and a
white shirt
"Mihle Gabavu."
Mihle: "Ndimdala kuwe kwedini, sundibiza
ngegama (I'm older than you boy, don't call me
by name)"
They did the manly hug, I heeded that he was
shorter than Mihle, reached him an inch above
his shoulder
Guy: "Ma'am"
Me: "Hello"
My voice was still a mess from the crying I did a
few minutes ago.
"Ndingu Themba Sango. You can call me Dr
Sango."
Me: "It's a pleasure to know you."
He nodded, touching Mihle's shoulder
Themba: "Masingeneni (Let's get inside)"
I was holding my handbag strand with both my
hands, Mihle looked at me to assure that I was
okay. I sighed looking at him, he placed his
hand at the back of my waist and nodded
slightly. We stepped inside, following this man
who seemed either Mihle's age or a little older,
a young boy came running and stopped infront
of the man
"Daddy Lukhanyo is changing channels but we
still watching some cartoons."
Themba: "Tell him I will come around and man
handle him, he shouldn't."
If I wasn't under anxiety attack or having my
insides turn like they were doing, I would have
rolled my eyes because of this black child who
spoke English like he was white, at that age. We
continued down the passage and stopped
infront of a double sided brown door
Themba: "Ningabe ningena (You can get it), I'll
be back in a sec."
Mihle and I nodded, simultaneously, since I was
infront I opened the door and we walked inside
a room that was divided in two, one side looked
like it was owned by some doctor, the other a
businessman. Mihle sat on one of the chairs in
front of the brown, and I copied his actions. My
mind was all over the place, my heart was
hammering against my chest and I was at the
edge of just breaking down and crying because
I was thinking of all things which were to
happen if I were positive. I noticed how uneasy
and tense Fhaku was too, he kept on clenching
his jaws and tapping his foot.
After what seemed like forever the Themba guy
came back, holding a glass of water which he
handed to me. I looked at Mihle before taking it
Themba: "I noticed you might need a glass. You
look nervous."
I took, shaking, I managed to bring it up to my
lips and taking a sip. Themba moved over to the
other side of the table and sat on his chair, he
leaned forward, putting his hands together
"Ntangam so where can I help?"
Mihle: "(clears throat) nguAphindiwe lona, my
first lady."
The guy smiled, looking at me before he looked
at Mihle again, he nodded giving him
permission to carry on.
"She was raped on Thursday so we don't know
how healthy the person was and the risks zayo
yonke lento (of this whole thing)."
By now I was looking at the glass, trying to stop
myself from crying
Themba: "Aphindiwe sisi, could you look at me."
I looked up, my vision was blurry from the tears
in my eyes. Mihle placed his hand on me
forearm and tightened his grip, the Themba guy
was looking at me with so much pity
"I am sorry. What you experienced is an
emotional damage for anybody especially you
females. It makes you guys vulnerable but the
way to accepting that you've been a victim
starts from knowing that you're as survivor. Had
it been another person, maybe they could have
committed suicide by now or using substances
excessively to ease the pain, but here you are,
that alone says something about you."
Mihle had his eyes on me the whole time
Themba: I believe ufunde in these English
schools, you do know what procedures need to
be done when you've had unprotected sex. You
know what's important, especially about your
health as well as your partners. Before any
further steps are taken regarding your mental
state, we need to know if you're infected either
by any virus or infection. So I will take a sample
of your blood alright?"
Me: "Okay."
I muddled through, by now my one hand was
holding the glass, the other was one was in
Mihle's hands.

The process with the whole drawing of my

blood and everything appeared longer than
usual, only because I was panicking. He
explained to me what I already knew, about the
one line and two lines situation from the HIV
test. Mihle was sitting on the other side of the
room, where we were seated before Dr Sango
and I came here, he had turned his chair so he
could face us but he wasn't looking though, he
had his head bowed. I prayed silently when
Themba dropped a drop of my blood and left it
for the test to scrutinize. I had my eyes closed
and couldn't stop mumbling "Please Lord." I
don't know when I had became such a believer
but that was least of my worries now, I just
hoped at that moment God was listening
Themba: "Aphindiwe"
I snapped my eyes open and looked at him
before staring down at my test. My mouth
gaped in surprise when I saw it had only one
line, just a single line that was in line with the
letter C
"I'm clean."
I whispered, in disbelief. The fear I had carried
was still stuck with me even now that I actually
couldn't believe it. When I looked at Mihle he
was already making his way towards us, worry
clear on his face, and I undestood why, maybe
my actions didn't really show how happy I was. I
stood up and took a step towards him, he
enveloped me in his arms before I could even
utter a word
"Uclean (she's clean)"
Is what I heard Themba say while I was in
Mihle's arms. Mihle pulled back and looked at
me
Mihle: "You're clean?"
I nodded continuously, smiling for the very first
time since I woke up today. He placed a long
kiss on my forehead and looked at me then
whispered
"I told you not to worry. Uliqina lam kaloku wena
(You're my tough woman)."
149th Entry

Aphindiwe

That Sunday afternoon after returning from Dr

Sango I spent sleeping because of the
drowsiness caused by the injection he gave me,
to cleanse my blood and probably prevent any
infection I stood a chance on getting. He did
explain that the injection wasn't 100% a shield
against infections so if I did suspect something,
I should visit him immediately. I was also given
some treatment and he also gave me a creme
which was to help my wound. All these he did
for free, he told Mihle not to pay and I believe it
was because he felt some sympathy for me.

That whole week passed by a little normal,

Monday I was dropped off at school and
fetched in the afternoon. Mihle every second of
the day to check on my safety, he did
something he never really did, used his
whatsapp for over twenty minutes talking to me
only because I was in class. On whatsapp he
kept on telling me to go outside so he'd give me
a quick call but I refused, I had missed a lot and
I needed the class attendance as well as
concentration. At home things were back to
normal except for us not ever connecting
physically, the only time he'd touch me was
when he would either hug me or kiss my
forehead. The second week was my last week
before I started with the exams, it was stressful,
but I spent almost all my hours at school in the
library if I wasn't in class. Every Wednesday and
Friday I had therapy sessions which only started
that week, sessions Mihle had forced me to
attend, I didn't feel comfortable talking to a
stranger about my problems but on my third
week going there I was actually feeling the
difference, emotionally. I recall the last week of
May on a Friday, I felt I was ready and actually
missed his touch and kisses. I wasn't yet ready
to have him inside of me but my therapist had
told me I needed to work on baby steps, one
thing at a time and not pressurise myself or
else I'll lose focus on being me again. I was
from taking a long bathe which I felt I owed
myself. When I stepped in the bedroom Mihle
was already in bed, not sleeping though, staring
hard at the ceiling. He passed his eyes towards
me when I walked in then returned them to the
ceiling
"I thought you might be asleep by now."
He did not respond. I stopped moisturising my
bedtime gel and looked at him, I shrugged my
shoulders, maybe he had a bad day at work and
the symptoms were only showing now because
he was more than fine on our way home, when
we arrived here and before I went to take a
bathe. I switched off the light once I was done
with dressing and everything, got into bed and
turned facing him. He shifted and changed
sleeping position, from laying on his back to
laying on his side and looking at me
Me: "Uright? (Are you okay?)"
Mihle: "Ewe, ndinentloko nje qha (Yes, I've just
got a headache that's all)"
Me: "Work problems?"
Mihle: "No. Ndine stress (I have stress) over
something I can't quite figure."
I moved closer and touched his chest, he didn't
move an inch but just looked at me, I moved
even more closer and found his lips, at least he
responded to my kiss but pulled back after a
few seconds. I tried not to take offense from it
Me: "Goodnight then."
I placed another kiss on his chin then turned
over, switched off my bedside lamp and tried
sleeping. I couldn't only because I knew he
wasn't sleeping either. I moved closer to him, I
wanted some physical connection with him. I
moved closer so my back would touch his chest
and when it finally did, with my ass on his
manhood he placed his hand on my waist and
stopped me from moving any further. I stuck
out my ass and it rubbed against his manhood, I
knew by now if he was his normal self he would
have been turned on already. When I pushed it
all out, pressing it hard on his manhood I was
taken by surprise that he was still soft
Mihle: "Nhanha hayi (Nhanha no.)"
Me: "I'm sorry."
I moved away, a little hurt but brushed it away
thinking maybe it was because of the stress.
The following morning I woke up with his side
of the bed empty, I sat up and rubbed my eyes,
his phone was still next to the lamp though. It
took me a while to finally smell the scent of
eggs with cheese and some bacon, I instantly
became hungry. He was a fan of heavy
breakfast in the morning then he barely ate in
the afternoon, he was a man of keeping his
proteins and vitamins sana. I woke up, made
the bed and went to brush my teeth and clean
my face, I used my fingers to brush through my
weave. I walked out of the bedroom but turned
back when I was a few steps away from the
door, down the passage, when I heard my
phone ring. I grabbed it from the bed and
looked at it, I smiled, it was my father
"David."
Tata: "I need to accept uba andisena mntana
(that I don't have a child anymore) right?"
Me: "Hayi Tata (No dad)"
Tata: "Then what's happening?"
Me: "Exams."
Tata: "Done writing?"
Me: "Only down to three modules"
Tata: "Ubhale njani? (How did you write?)"
Me: "The best"
I lied, I was under pressure, still not yet healed
from being a victim of rape, the thought of it
came knocking at my doorstep every now and
then renewing the feeling, I felt I didn't have
time to study really well and hard
"You're lying. Let's try again. Ubhale njani? (How
did you write?)"
Me: "(giggles) I tried."
Tata: "Good. That try better be above your 60s
then"
My mouth gaped, he was kidding right, not even
the 50% I needed to pass a module.
Me: "Hopefully."
Tata: "I was just checking up on my precious
little one."
Me: "I'm good"
"David misses you baby but because of your
behavior I'm subtracting 2000 from your
monthly installment."
Me: "What?! What behavior ngoku tata (now
dad)?"
Tata: "Not calling"
Me: "But you also don't call nje so you can't
deduct from my money. We both at fault."
Tata: "Imali kabani? (who's money?)"
I stopped myself from laughing, I somehow
knew he was going to ask that
Me: "Yours"
Tata: "Now that's my Nhanha."
Me: "So are you honestly going to deduct the
2000?"
"Ewe."
Me: "Not even a 1000?"
Tata: "No 2000"
Me: "Hayi Tata, not even 1500 ke?"
Tata: "You're starting to annoy me. Bye bye"
Me: "Tjoh."
He hung up, that was his way of telling me he
missed and loved me, I was used to it already,
he never used words to tell me how much he
missed me, he always just asked why I never
called. I threw my phone on the bed and left
that room. Mihle was standing at the stove
frying what looked like pork sausages. He was
wearing his boxers and a white vest, at the
lounge the music he listened to played softly,
those were your old R-Kelly, Dolly, Josh Turner,
Luther Vandross, Anthony Hamilton and all
those old school singers.
Me: "Good morning"
He turned and looked at me, smiling before he
blew a kiss.
Mihle: "You're up?"
Me: "Ewe (yes)"
Mihle: "Khandincedise (help me) by pouring us
cold drink."
Me: "I want coffee today."
Mihle: "Then a cup for yourself and a glass for
me"
He never drank coffee, not in my presence at
least. I remember the very first few days when I
started "moving" in here, he didn't have coffee
at all until we went to buy some groceries then I
chose some hot beverages. Hot chocolate and
coffee. He placed the pork sausages on the
plates and turned off the stove, he stood next to
me at the sink, rinsing his hands while I waited
for him so I'd rinse his glass. I poured him his
grape Krush juice then waited for my coffee, he
found himself a seat and down the first glass,
slid it towards me, I refilled his glass
Me: "Do you have any plans for today?"
Mihle: "It would have been a soccer match but I
can't leave you here alone"
Me: "And andinokwazi uphinda ndiye kula field
yenu (And I'd never be able to go to that field of
yours again.)"
Mihle: "Ngoba? (Why not?)"
Me: "I enjoy watching you play but not when I'm
all alone on those benches."
We had our breakfast between small chats, his
main concern were my sessions and exams,
nothing else. He wanted to know I was doing
great in both, he was one person I could open
up to and know I'd receive advice and not a
lecturer so I told him about the progress in my
therapy sessions and the failure in my
examination. We finished our breakfast and
washed the dishes together, the energy was
vibrant and exciting, exactly what I needed in
my life right now. Mihle was in the bedroom
when I went to take a shower, I had asked him
to take a shower with me but he brushed it off,
so I went, all by myself. I returned in the
bedroom and found him standing by the
window talking on the phone. I didn't pay much
mind to his conversation instead carried on
doing what I was doing, which was applying
some roll-on on my armpits. He turned right
before ending the call and looked at me, not
with the familiar look he had always given me
when I was standing in front of him, naked. It
was as though he wasn't ready to see me like
this, nude. Bothered by the look on his face, I
questioned
"Yintoni? (What is it?)"
I noticed how he clenched his jaws before he
turned averted his eyes from me, then
responded in his husky voice
Mihle: "Nothing."
He was lying, and hurting me as well
Me: "Uyaxoka (You're lying)"
He turned his head and looked at me from head
to toe, slowly, before he made eye contact with
me. If he was a child I would explain the look on
his face as that of a young boy who was about
to cry but for someone his age, he looked like
he would kill someone
Me: "You never looked at me like that before.
Now could you tell me what the problem is?"
Mihle: "Ayonto (It's nothing)"
"Yesterday you didn't want me near you."
He cocked a brow, giving me one of the most
ridiculous look like I was stupid or something. I
was growing some irritation from all this but
didn't want to let it go until he told me why he
couldn't look at me naked
Me: "Izolo (yesterday), in bed, I did what I often
did, one thing that turns you on and it didn't
izolo (yesterday)"
Mihle: "I wasn't in the mood"
Me: "Not to even touch me?"
Mihle: "Can we let this go Aphindiwe?"
Me: "No! No. You barely touch me, you don't lay
a finger on me like you used to, and now you're
giving me that look."
Mihle: "Aphindiwe uqala uchuku because none
of these thi..."
"Or is it because my anus took a dick already?"
His face changed, he looked flushed, an angry
flushed, more like he couldn't believe I said that.
He swallowed and clenched his jaws, he didn't
break eye contact with me, his eye spoke a
message, a dangerous one
Mihle: "This has got nothing to do with your
anus. Nothing."
You know how many men can't shout when
they're angry but just speak in that "don't you
ever say that again" tone, that's exactly what he
did, whispering that whole sentence.
I swallowed the lump on my throat and looked
away, trying to blink the tears which were
blurring my vision. He walked past me and
walked out of the room, literally throwing the
door and not closing it. I flinched, closing my
eyes. Now he was being a bitch because none
of the things I said gave him a right to lose his
cool like he did, he could have told me that none
of his actions had anything to do with my ass,
end of story. I walked over to the brown leather
couch and found a seat, I actually sat there until
my body was covered in goosebumps from the
cold. Lost in my own thoughts, I didn't even
know how long I been sitting there but I
managed to drag myself up and put on a lousy
outfit. When that was done I left the bedroom
and made way to the kitchen, Mihle wasn't in
the lounge nor kitchen. From the refrigerator, I
took out a frozen stew which placed it in the
sink, and a frozen pie which I warmed up in the
microwave. There was only one possible place
Mihle would be in and that was the spare
bedroom, it was the only place since his car
was in the garage. I poured myself a glass of
his favourite juice and opened the pie container
so it could cool off, while in the meantime I
went to invade Mihle's privacy. Like I had
thought, he was in that room but sleeping
though, his tall body laid diagonal on the bed,
his feet hanging a little. I stood at the door and
watched him, he looked so peaceful when he
was sleeping this way, and looked so angelic
nobody would have thought he was a murderer.
I choked, from my own thoughts, honestly that
thought had been laying at the back of my mind,
ignored.
He shifted and I tried controlling my coughs, I
didn't want to wake up as yet. I stepped away
from the door and retreated to the kitchen,
trying to ease my coughs. Financially, I was
beyond happy, physically I appeared
spectacular but emotionally I was dying. My life
was a mess, I felt like I had no family because
the people who were willing to love me here I
deserted, I chose a man who killed, whether it
was for my safety, he still remained a murderer
and in return of all my bad decisions, I was now
a victim of rape. Through this thoughts I felt a
lump grow in my throat and tears forming
behind my eyes, I was at the edge of crying but
was disturbed by Mihle who cleared his throat. I
closed my eyes and tried fixing my facing
before turning and facing him, he was standing
at the fridge and looked way decent for a killer.
Since the thought was triggered it was now
stuck in my mind.
That day went by average, with him and I not
really talking because he seemed still a little
upset about what I had said earlier. I didn't
question it. The following day I woke up a little
earlier than usual to period pains, it was a relief
to me because the second thing which was
supposed to be a barrier on my way of
accepting that I had been raped and making
peace with it, wasn't succeeding. Unlike myself,
Mihle was grumpy and appeared stressed. He
spent half of his day working through some
databases and sleeping, I studied most of the
time. Bulelani invited us over for supper, and it
turned out the supper was a meal at Mugg and
Bean. The people present there were Mihle and
myself, Bulelani with his girlfriend and some
other lady who was a friend to the two men, and
apparently she was the reason we were here.

Wednesday right after my last paper, which was

at half 11 Kimberley came to fetch me and we
went to chill at her flat. As always, she was
there with Luthando and to my serious Mihlali
as well. She still looked beautiful but somehow
not so clean
Me: "Mimi?"
Mihlali: "Ntombi, hello girl. How have you been?"
I leaned forward and gave her a cold hug, the
girl and I weren't really close and the last time I
checked she wasn't on good terms with these
two
"So what puts you here?"
She stopped sipping on her coke and looked at
me
Me: "I know this isn't my place and I have no
right to ask but what I meant is usukaphi?
(where you coming from?)"
Mihlali: "Places"
Me: "Did you go write kakade?"
Mihlali: "Write what?"
Luthando chuckled, clapping her hands. My jaw
drop, where has this girl been staying kanti?
Me: "Criminal law."
"Wait, besibhala namhlanje? (Wait, we were
writing today?)"
Me: "Oh wow"
Kimberley: "Drop out already."
Luthando: "Yeka Ufunda nyani shame (Yeah
stop studying for real), all you know is men"
Mihlali: "Mxm."
We sat there and listened to her story, I almost
dislocated my jaw from hanging it too much
when she told us that she's from Mashu with
some Zulu men she had met some weekend. I
had so many questions to ask her but she
wasn't quite my friend so I didn't feel I had the
right so I allowed the other girls to question her
instead. We were still in the middle of that
conversation when Kimberley received a call
from her brother, I felt myself get cold when she
dragged me to escort her outside
"Kim no don't!"
Kimberley: "Just come dammit!"
We stepped outside, with her hand still holding
mine
Me: "Stop dragging me then."
She laughed, looking at me
"For someone so thick, you're really light
weighted."
Me: "No I'm not, I just didn't give out all my
strengt"
Kimberley: "Whatever."
She said that rolling her eyes while she was
scanning her card on the pedestrian gate.
Andrew's Ford Ranger was standing on the
other side of the gate, engine still on. I was a
little nervous and I couldn't figure out why,
maybe it was because the last time I saw him
he tried kissing me. Kimberley hovered over the
window and looked at him, he was on a phone
call, looking clean as always. He ended the call
a few seconds after we had arrived and
instantly his eyes landed on me
"Skat."
Me: "Hello"
I smiled. He turned off the engine and opened
his door
Kimberley: "An excuse me Kim wouldn't hurt
hey."
Andrew: "Jammer (Sorry)"
He stepped out, smiling and walked over to him,
without my permission he took me in a hug and
literally picked me up, he was smelling
incredibly. He placed me down but didn't move
his hands from my waist, I broke eye contact
with him and tried breaking free, he allowed me
Andrew: "Hoe gaan dit? (How's it going?)"
Me: "Good thanks"
Andrew: "It has been ages since I saw you."
He looked at me, between narrowed eyes, a
little seriously before he smiled. I couldn't help
but smile back, he wasn't the type to creep me
out
Kimberley: "Kan ek die geld hê (Can I have the
money), then I'll remove myself from all this
excitement."
I giggled, looking at Kim. He shook his head and
walked over to his car, took out an envelope and
handed it to his sister
Kimberley: "Dankie. Baby you'll let the security
open for..."
Me: "No you can't leave me alone here."
Andrew: "You're with me."
I was walking when I stopped and looked at him
"Bly net n bietjie (Stay for a while). I won't waste
your time."
I was a little reluctant until Kimberly threw me
her keys which had the card for the gate. I
watched her walk through the gate and
disappear where the elevators were situated, I
turned and looked at a smiling Andrew. He was
leaning against his car, one hand in his pocket
while the other was extended for me to hold.
Last time I was this friendly with this man, Mihle
lost his temper and I almost allowed myself to
kiss him.
150th Entry

Azola

Believing that you were a power couple with

your partner just because everybody at campus
knew you guys were an item wasn't a good idea.
I had thought Steve would never leave me, but
he saw better ass and started behaving like we
never shared anything special. He lied, saying
he has changed, begged me to give him yet
another chance which I did, but here I was again
single because he found out I was pregnant,
agreed on aborting the embryo then left so I'd
deal with the stress alone. I was in a cab,
directing the driver over to Lisa's place, one of
my coolest and beautiful friends. She was a
little older than I was, 25 in age but we
understood each other like we were off the
same age. She owned a place, an apartment her
father bought for her, I still didn't understand
how she stayed in her own place here in Cape
Town and never spoke about visiting home yet
her family lived here in Cape Town too. I never
asked questions, if she was comfortable with
sharing the news, she would. She was your IDC
type of girls, dated what was called a blesser
nowadays, always has her hair, nails and outfit
at her best. I fitted her criteria even though the
money I received was from my parents and not
some old man.
I paid off the driver and stepped out the car,
sighing. Her and I were only going out because I
felt I needed it, Sunday we had gone out and it
was epic, it was Wednesday today and we were
repeating it. I was done writing, my last
examination was on Thursday the previous
week and as for Lisa she should have been
done studying but had two modules she had
failed last year, so she was still stuck at UCT
completing those. I was making way up the four
-floor building going to the second level where
she stayed. Just by standing at her doorstep I
could already smell her fragrance which
lingered in the air, I knocked. After knocking for
the second time she opened, holding a brush in
her hand
Lisa: "Baby."
Me: "Hello"
She stepped aside and allowed me in
"Uthe siyaphi kanene? (you said where we going
again?)"
Lisa: "Uzobona but Charles uzobe ekhona
(You'll see but Charles will be around)"
This was her second time telling me this, I didn't
like the idea but she did assure me that I'd enjoy
their company, by their I meant Charles and his
friends. When she was done we waited for
Charles to call while we were having some Ice
Tropez ciders Charles bought for her yesterday.
We were still halfway with our drinks when he
called, reporting that he was outside, we had no
other choice but to leave with the bottles.
Outside the yard, a white Range Rover Evoque
was the only car stationary so without having to
guess, it was Charles. Lisa grabbed hold of the
front door while I held the back one, stepping
into the car right after she did. She sat and
leaned forward giving her man a kiss
Charles: "Hello love."
Lisa: "This right here is Azola sthandwa sam
(my love)"
The man turned on the seat and looked at me,
he extended his hand and smiled at me. I was
informed that he was Zambian but for a
foreigner, he looked way too fresh
"Molo sisi (Hello lady)"
Me: "Molo bhuti (Hello man)"
He nodded, still smiling before he turned and
looked at his woman whilst accelerating his
Evoque. We drove to some lounge, one that was
known for being on the list of the most
expensive lounges in Cape Town, the cars
parked there spoke the message before you
walked inside and then I understood why she
looked like this most of the time. We stepped
out of the car and into the lounge, I spotted a
group of three guys and a lady dressed semi-
formal, fitting the criteria of this place. We
approached them and I figured Lisa must know
all his friends when one of them stood up just
to give her a hug, she hugged him back smiling.
He turned and looked at me, taking my hand in
a lousy handshake, I smiled
"Brian, that's the name."
Me: "Azola"
"Glad to finally meet someone either than this
lady here."
Lisa: "Oh no, please don't Brian"
We sat and a waitress came through to take our
orders, this place had food too which Lisa
ordered for all of us, as well as our drinks. I
wasn't the type of girl to visit such places even
though I had the money too, with my type of
friends and parents I wouldn't get the chance,
so this was the first for me. These were your
big boys, people who balled and didn't cry over
the few cents they spent but what was negative
about them was how they wanted ass for all
that. This I noticed from the other guy by the
name Lukhanyo, he tried hitting on me every
chance he got, flexing his riches and selling me
dreams. I was not much bored but rather fused
with his immaturity, well I'm from a wealthy
background and floating your riches wasn't
something I was raised to do, it wasn't
something my parents did nor my siblings or
relatives. Either than the brags and showing off
everything else went splendid until Charles took
out a small brown paper from the inside of his
blazer, I saw how happy the around me became,
I was still lost. He handed it to the other lady
who stood up, fixing her small dress and
strolled down the tiled floor followed by one of
the guys. They returned after a while and sat
down, I honestly didn't take it any change from
them. It wasn't long until Lisa stood up,
dragging me along, we made our way to
Charle's car and inside she pulled out that same
brown paper and a credit card from the door
and asked me to hold the credit card. I looked
at her a little skeptical but took the credit card
anyway, she told me about three times not to
move and when I sat still, she poured white
powder on the card, making me gawk from
shock
"Is this coke?!"
She giggled before nodding shyly.
Me: "Wait? What the actual Fuck Lisa?!"
Lisa: "Why you freaking out?"
Me: "Heee hayi kengoku (Oh wow). You're on
drugs ngoku? (now?)"
Lisa: "Geez, it's just powder nothing big. Hayi
wethu yhini."
I chuckled ridiculously from shock, I was
beyond shocked. I watched how she sniffed
then looked up, trying to clean her nose. She
went for the second pull then closed her eyes,
probably feeling it sink in
Lisa: "Want to try?"
Me: "Ungakhe ulinge (Don't you dare.)"
Lisa: "Relax (giggles) awusekho uptight nje
(you're so uptight)"
I rolled my eyes, my mood was a little off now
because right after this I was thinking about
what more did these men introduce her to, she
wasn't a drug person, I mean not long ago she
despised weed and the smell off it but right
now she was practising something worse and
more dangerous. We stepped out of the car and
she was her bubbly self
Me: "I want to leave"
Lisa: "What?! Yintoni nah Azola? (What is it
Azola?)"
I kept my mouth shut and just continued
walking, I heard her mumble something besides
me. Right when we arrived at the table, without
even sitting I took my handbag, earning eyes
from everybody around the table
"And then?"
One of them said
Me: "I'm leaving"
Charles: "Why?"
Me: "I have to."
Brian: "Let me drop you off"
"I'll manage on my own."
Brian: "I insist."
He downed his glass and stood up, he said
something in Shona to his friends, one replied in
English talking about him returning back in time
and not trying to hit on me. I said my goodbyes
and made way to the door with this heavenly
smelling man besides me. I waited for him to
walk towards his car and when he approached
the red Ferrari, I stopped my jaw from dropping.
Where in hell did these men receive their money?

Aphindiwe

I stood with Andrew outside for over an hour,

and I too surprised myself, I didn't think our
conversation would go that well. Our last
physical contact was when he extended his
hand for me to hold, which I did after being
hesitant. When he told me he had to go he
wanted a hug but because of the face I pulled,
according to him, he understood and told me
he'd receive it next time. I walked into the flat
and immediately there was silence
Me: "What?"
Kimberley: "What were you doing with Drew for
so long?"
Me: "Chatting"
She folded her arms over her chest
"Seriously! Ehwwwe I can't believe you."
Kimberley: "You better not. Not with my brother"
Me: "Don't lose it girl. I've got my own."
She stood up, shrugging her shoulders and
passed by me with an attitude
"None of my friends get my brother. Just so you
know."
I rolled my eyes, if I wanted her brother I would
have had him long time. Her flat was small but
the best space for one or two people, her
kitchen counter was the only piece which
separated the lounge and kitchen. She was
standing by the stove making some popcorns
while the rest of us were chatting away. We
were still having our fashion conversation when
my phone vibrated in my school handbag, I
pulled it out and wasn't really surprised when I
saw the caller ID
"Fhaku?"
Mihle: "Uphi uMambhele wam? (Where's my
Mambhele?)"
Me: "Ndilapha kwa Kim (I'm here by Kim's), not
really far from the school campus"
Mihle: "What's the name of the place?"
Me: "Kim, what's the name of these flats?"
"Tell him these are the only Bachelor flats in
Somerset West for Stellenbosch Uni students."
Me: "The only Bachelor flats for Stellenbosch
Uni students."
Mihle: "Bachelor flats or Garden flats?"
Me: "Bachelor"
Mihle: "I'll be there in twenty."
I nodded, simultaneously saying my goodbye. I
felt down instantly, things weren't okay back in
Belmar, seeing Mihle wasn't as exciting as it
was before and it's all because of this tragic
incident that happened a month ago.
With Mihle's driving, twenty minutes was five
minutes because in no time he called, I gave my
friends hugs and promised them that on
Monday after my last paper, they could have me
to theirselves.

We arrived in Belmar after passing by at Spur,

buying ribs and buffalo wings for supper. A few
days back I did wonder where Nomthandazo
had gone to but when Mihle mentioned her
name while we were eating I stopped chowing
and looked at him
"I might be back a little late Friday ngoba sizoya
for iscan (because we'll go for a scan)"
Me: "Wow that's nice (pause) and exciting."
He nodded, faking a smile and narrowed his
eyes at me. I looked at him and waited for him
to talk because I saw he was going to
Mihle: "How are your sessions going?"
Me: "Actually good. Ndiyamthanda la mama (I
love that woman), she made me understand
that the experience is bad and will remain bad
but it isn't about being a victim but a survivor."
Mihle: "I'm glad"
He turned his head and paid attention to the
sport news he was watching. I have been
talking note of his change, he wasn't himself
and it scared me
"Uright wena? (Are you alright?)"
Mihle: "Huh?"
Me: "Are you alright?"
Mihle: "I am"
Me: "Mihle ndiyakucela (Mihle I'm begging you).
Could you talk to me?"
He placed the rib he was holding on the plate
and looked at me, that was before he closed his
eyes and sighed.
"I'm affected."
He whispered before he opened his eyes and
looked at me
Me: "What?"
Mihle: "Every gold I touch rusts (long pause) I
found you happy Aphindiwe and because off my
selfishness I took away the two things that
mattered to you"
Me: "And what are those?"
Mihle: "Your family and happiness."
I swallowed and sighed softly, he was right but
that didn't mean with him I wasn't happy. I knew
this was a time thing and it would pass so he
didn't have to...
"I think funeke uyofunda eMthatha (I think you
should go study at Mthatha)."
He disturbed my thoughts. I blinked and looked
at him, my tongue stiffened and I could master
a simple word
Mihle: "Phindi I'm not getting rid of you, I'll see
you every weekend if I have to but this.'
Me: "This?"
Mihle: "I mean asikho right Phindi. We not and
having you around wounds me, it drives me
insane. I hardly sleep because of guilt."
Me: "And you think chasing me away will make
things better"
Mihle: "I'm not..."
"Then wenzani?! What are you doing Mihle?"
I was up on my feet now and he was still seated,
looking at me. I knew being interrupted irritated
him but I was fuming, he couldn't do this to us,
to me
Mihle: "Phindi sit"
Me: "Ndiphendule (Answer me)"
Mihle: "We need space."
I chuckled ridiculously and shook my head, my
heart was heavy from all this. After all I been
through, just when I thought I was healing he
had to rob me my hope. He stood up and tried
to touch me
"Don't you dare! Don't you fucken dare!"
Mihle: "Aphindiwe could you hear me out?"
Me: "No! Hayi Mihle, I'm not at peace with my
family because of you, was hit by a car because
of you (long pause) and I was raped because of
you."
My last sentence I whispered, I was at the edge
of crying now, from both anger and hurt. He
stepped closer causing me to step back
Me: "And now you want me to leave after all
you've put me through. You want me to deal
with all these by myself because you're done
ngam"
I didn't have the energy in me to shout, I was
just dying the more I proceeded it
Mihle: "I'm not done with you. I am not dumping
you Aphindiwe, I just need us to be apart, time
to miss you, time to"
He kept quiet and looked at me
Me: "Time to accept that the one fucken thing
you wanted from me is now gone."
He clenched his jaws and furrowed his
eyebrows, they were shaking and couldn't stay
in one place, furrowed or normal
"This has got nothing to do with that?"
Aphindiwe: "From the way you begged for it, it's
clear, ibiyeyonanto ubuyifuna (it was all you
ever wanted)"
His chest was pacing and I was aware I were
hurting him but I wanted him to feel what I was
feeling. He ran his hand down his face and
turned around, walking towards the huge
television stand, he still had his back on me
when I continued
"It's just a pity Bafana got it before you did, and
maybe that's why you can't..."
Before I got to finish my sentence, he threw a
small vase, not aiming at me as such but it
wasn't far from where I was standing. I flinched
and stopped breathing, he stormed over to me
and grabbed hold of my shoulders, digging his
fingers deep in my skin. He tried speaking
whilst shaking me but stopped and slowly
pulled back, he had that vein visible on his
forehead and his eyes were red. He looked at
me for over two minutes before he broke eye
contact and turned punching the couch in front
of him and dangerously whispered a "fuck."
I was still in shock, I honestly thought he was
going to slap me or strangle me like he had
done to Nomthandazo. I stood at that place, my
feet unable to carry me until he turned and
looked at me, his face a little tense but better
than what it was
Mihle: "What I'm doing apha is for the both of us.
For your safety, for our relationship. For your
safety"
Me: "You said that already"
"I am talking apha Aphindiwe."
I was still shaking but decided to contain myself
and allow him to finish
Mihle: "Your safety is more important than
anything apha kum Aphindiwe and just because
General is died doesn't mean we've conquered
it all. He has a team lomntu, he had people,
abantu abangazoyiyeka lento (people who don't
let this go) until they feel I've received what I
deserve and sthandwa sam it's you they'll
attack."
I wasn't aware of the thug life or anything of this
game yakhe but I felt this Bafana thing was an
excuse for everything
Me: "What does this have to do with me going
home?"
Mihle: "For protection"
Me: "Weren't you doing that perfectly or am I
missing something?"
Mihle: "Andizohlala ndikhona Aphindiwe (I won't
always be there Aphindiwe)"
"Reason why you bailing out on me?"
Mihle: "Andikushiyi (I'm not leaving you), I just
think things would be better if you'd stay home,
with your father and I'll do the visiting."
I opened my mouth to talk but he stopped me
by speaking first
Mihle: "Trust me"
Me: "I already did that and look where it got
me."
By the change of facial expressions I heeded
that must have hit him hard or hurt him but I
didn't care. I walked away, leaving him alone in
that lounge, I didn't want to do anymore talking,
sleeping would do me better. Before I took a
long shower I took two sleeping pills and as I
walked in and out of the lounge, I could feel his
eyes on me. I wasn't going to cry not this time
around, a lot of things were trying to bring me
down and the one person I wanted to confined
in was disappointing. He was leaving me. I
found myself chuckling as I lay in this tub, lump
on my throat and hurt.

The following morning I woke up way later than

I had expected, Mihle was already gone to work
and I was all alone in that house. I could not get
my mind off the things he said last night, in fact
I woke up with that exact lump. He called before
twelve to check if I was up and still safe. At
twenty past twelve he was at the house to
spend only twenty minutes with me because at
quarter to he drove back to work.
On Friday morning I texted my girls and asked
them to come see me, Mihle did tell me he had
an appointment today so he'd arrive late but
every hour he called. I was still mad at him, I
only spoke when spoken to and I was beginning
to consider this moving out thing, but there was
no way I was heading to Eastern Cape.
Unfortunately Kimberley was not in town, and
that meant Luthando didn't have transport to
come here. Not wanting to be a nausea, I told
her not to catch any taxis and come there, so
that meant I had the day to myself.

I fell asleep on that couch, waiting for Mihle,

thinking about my future, his reasoning which I
still didn't understand and honestly just how my
gut told me if I agreed to this, I'd be walking out
for good. But what was the validity of staying
when he wanted me to away?
151st Entry

Mihle

I turned up home to a sleeping Aphindiwe.

Alternatively, I found some time in cooking, it's
been ages since I did this and it helped me get a
lot out of my mind. The appointment with
Nomthandazo was a success and being good
news, it was suppose to brighten my day but it
didn't, I was an emotional mess instead. What I
was preparing was rice with brown lentils, beef
stew and veggies. I am the best in the kitchen
just like I am in the bedroom but it wasn't
everyday I did some cooking, only when I was in
no mood of takeaway or when I needed
distraction. Subsequently to rinsing the meat I
removed my jacket and shirt, I was still in
uniform. I hung them on the chairs and worked
in my vest and pants, chopping the vegetables I
was to cook and some onion and peppers.
Nomthandazo was carrying a boy, that being
the only great thing about her pregnancy. The
last time we spoke was that Thursday she left
my place, we weren't on talking terms because
of what had occurred the previous night. Seeing
her bump bigger than what it was gave me hope,
maybe my little boy would uplift me spiritually.
Aphindiwe was good at that but not now and I
clearly understood why, I put her through hell
but what she didn't know what her rape took a
turn on me, a huge turn. I opened the fridge and
took out a bottle of water, poured myself a full
glass and downed it, leaning against the
counter.
It was only then I was beginning to understand
how Karma worked. It came when you least
expected it to, when you were unarmed and it
came only to destroy or take the one thing you
used as a pillar. It never came to rob you
financially, while destroying you emotionally
and physically, no. Karma just came to torment
one part of your life, the strongest, with the
knowledge that the rest will fall apart too.
Exactly what was currently happening in my life.
My girlfriend was tormented, my guilt conscious
telling me it was all because of me, that
affecting me emotionally and now I was making
the worst decisions hoping I'd get the best
results from them.
The same time I checked my wristwatch the
exact time I heard footsteps coming towards
the kitchen, since we were the only two in the
house, I knew it was her. She stood at the
entrance of the kitchen and looked at me, prior
to stretching her body
"Hello."
Me: "Uright?"
She nodded, taking steps towards the fridge. I
watched her as she stood there, abstracted, I
walked up to her and stood behind her, she
turned immediately when I was about to touch
her, crashing into my chest and dropping the
can of Play she was holding. She looked at the
energy drink spilling on the floor before she
looked at me. She was about to say something
when I crashed my lips on hers, she gasped
probably overwhelmed by the physical contact. I
caught myself by surprise too, it's been over a
month since I been this close to her. I pulled
away and looked at her, she had her eyes
closed for a while before she opened them and
looked at my lips. I removed my hand from the
fridge door and brought it up to touch her
bottom lip. I was about to touch it when she bit
on it and looked up at me, she placed her hand
on my chest and stood on her tippy toes. I knew
this way she was asking for more so I leaned
forward and placed my forehead on hers, when
I placed my hand on her right butt cheek I was
taken by surprise by her sudden breathing. I
pulled back, breaking contact, the look on her
face made me want to punch myself but my
sudden thought needed me to breath a little.
She stood at that same spot looking at me, I
could tell she wanted to know where it all went
wrong but she just didn't ask. I moved from
where I was standing and picked up the can,
finally she closed the fridge and cleared her
throat
"Ndizoy'cleana (I'll clean it.)"
I nodded, walking over to the stove to check my
last pot, that being the meat. When I turned
around she was standing by the counter,
holding a glass and the Play on the other hand
Me: "Ayikho enye? (Isn't there another one?)"
Aphindiwe: "No, this was the last one."
Me: "Nxhesi (I'm sorry) when I'm done cooking,
sizoyothenga ezinye (we'll go buy some more)."
She didn't respond but moved away from the
counter and walked towards the cabinet which
had the dustbin
Me: "Phindi"
She looked at me, simultaneously throwing the
can inside the bin
"Come here."
Aphindiwe: "Huh?"
I walked up to her, avoiding to repeat myself. I
felt bad with how I was making her feel so I
decided I'd tell her, try finding some words to
explain it. I took two steps away from her and
extended my hand for her to hold, which she did.
I pulled her and took her in a hug, a long warm
hug prior to picking her up and placing her on
the counter
Me: "Masithethe (Let's talk)"
Aphindiwe: "About?"
I sighed, positioning myself in between her legs
"I know things aren't the same between us and
yonke lento ingatyalwa kum (and all this could
be blamed on me). I haven't been the same
(long pause), I am."
I averted my eyes from her hands and looked at
her, she has been staring at me this whole time
Me: "Andizazi Phindi (I don't know myself
Phindi). I feel lost"
Aphindiwe: "Ngoba? (Why?)"
I sighed and moved back, I didn't let go of her
hands though. I looked up at the ceiling before
looking back at her
Me: "The incident with uBafana (pause) I've
never been through this, I don't know how to
take it in. At times ndiyakujonga (I look at you)
and I feel like I could have done better. ( Long
pause) I don't..."
I broke contact with her, both eye and physical. I
couldn't express further how I felt, how every
time I touched her I feared I was going to break
back that feeling, when I penetrated maybe, if
I'd ever be able to make her feel loved again
through intimacy.
Me: "Can we talk about this some other time?"
Aphindiwe: "Yintoni ingxaki ngoku? (What's the
problem now?)"
I didn't respond, I didn't have the answer to that.
What was the problem? Me being an asshole,
my problem of expressing myself, or how I
didn't know which other way to explain exactly
how I felt? Either way, I didn't have an answer to
it.
"You know what's funny? How you lack so much
communication skills nam. It makes me wonder
if you were ever like this with Nomthandazo."
From where I was standing, that being the stove,
I turned and looked at her, my exasperation
increasing in seconds
Me: "UFuna ndikuphendule ndithini? (What do
you want me to say in response?)"
Aphindiwe: "Answer what I just asked"
Me: "And what's this thing of you comparing
yourself kuye (to her)? Awung'Nomthandazo
Aphindiwe (You're not Nomthandazo
Aphindiwe), therefore however way I
communicated with her awungenindawo (has
got nothing to do with you). If I had wanted to
talk to Nomthandazo ngendinaye ngoku (I
would have been with her now), nothing's
stopping me."
She gazed at me, her lips parted
"Lento uthanda uyenza is unattractive (This
thing that you like doing is unattractive)."
Me: "Why you pinning the blame on me ngoku? I
just asked you a ques..."
Me: "You fucken compared yourself to
Nomthandazo! And that is bullshit! You do this
every time we have a disagreement."
Aphindiwe: "It's just..."
Me: "Okanye ufuna ndithini? Ndibuyele kuye?
(What do you want me to do? To go back to
her?)"
Aphindiwe: "Mxm."
She pushed herself off the counter and stormed
out of the kitchen, she stopped halfway through
the entrance and looked at me
"I hate how every time when you're the one
who's wrong, I end saying I'm sorry"
I closed my eyes and sighed softly. Her and I
never argued this much, we had our
disagreements but at least they never came to
a point where she didn't open her mouth. I knew
she was back to square one now, she wouldn't
utter a word unless spoken. This was one of
there reasons why I wanted to be away from her,
to find someone, to miss her, to long for her
presence because at this moment in time,
having her besides me every hour of the day
proved many other things I weren't ready for.
We dined in silence, she was sitting on the one-
seat couch while I was on the other. Her eyes
were either glued on her phone or on the
television screen, while mine were on her ninety
percent of the time. Whilst she did the dishes I
was watching the sport news, I tuned on these
way more than I did to the national news. Our
bathing routine was the same for the past
month, her in bath tub while I was in the shower.
And that too was my fault, because of not
knowing how to touch her causing her to finally
stop trying.

Saturday morning I woke to a call from Bulelani,

he was laying a complaint to me about me
being so scarce. He was right I have been, I
needed to keep my eyes on Phindi. I worried
about her and her safety, so if it meant staying
away from my guys, then it meant staying away.
She woke up just when I was starting with
preparing breakfast, defrosting the bacon. She
walked into the kitchen looking a little grumpy, I
took a glance of her then returned to what I was
doing
"Good morning."
Me: "Morning Mambhele."
She opened the cabinet and took out a cup
which she placed on top of the counter
Me: "Uleli njani? (How did you sleep?)"
Aphindiwe: "Okay"
Me: "I received a call from Bulelani, they're
having a braai and urhalela sibekhona (and he
hopes we'd be there)"
She sat on the stool after plugging the kettle
and leaving it to boil
Aphindiwe: "I have a date with the girls. And
please don't stop me from going, ndiyakucela
(I'm begging you)"
I chuckled while walking towards her, she was
looking at me half smiling
Me: "I apologized izolo and you didn't respond.
Undivile? (Did you hear me?)"
Aphindiwe: "(nods) I just didn't know how to
respond to that."
Me: "I honestly want what's best for you
Mambhele. I know I might be the worst
boyfriend you have ever had but ndibethwa zi
circumstances (but it's the circumstances)"
Aphindiwe: "(giggles) awusakhumshi nje."
I snickered, cupping her face, I leaned in and
placed a kiss on her forehead
Me: "Uli model C kaloku wena, so funeke
ndimane ndi practiza esis'lungu (That's because
you're a model C, so I have to keep practicing
this English)"
Aphindiwe: "I hope this isn't another way of
stopping me from going with my girls"
Me: "Am I that bad?"
Aphindiwe: "No, qha you have your ways."
I moved away from her and over to the pan
which contained the McCain frozen chips on
the stove.
"You can go with your girls but I'll contact you
every minute I get. Uphendule iphone Aphindiwe
(You must answer your phone Aphindiwe)"
Aphindiwe: "And you just sounded like I never
answer your calls."
Me: "Andifuni noba uqala (I don't even want you
to start)."
She prepared herself a cup of coffee while on
her phone and waiting for me to finish off the
breakfast. It was a while of silence until she
broke it off by saying
"Can we talk about lento yospace? (this space
thing?)"
Me: "What about it?"
I leaned on the counter and looked at her, she
kept on turning the stool she was seated on,
spinning it around
Aphindiwe: "Well it isn't like you want us to stop
seeing each other qha you miss not having me
around oko (all the time), so I was thinking how
about I just go back eres. I mean sizoqala phi
uxelela my dad that I'm going back when it was
his idea edibene nala brother yakhe uba
ndizofunda apha (I mean where will we start
telling my dad that I'm going back when it was
his idea together with that brother of his that I
should come study here). David will kill me
Mihle."
Just when I was about to ask her to sit still, she
stop spinning the chair and looked at me, the
look on her face indirectly pleading me to agree
Me: "Firstly, missing not having you around is
bullshit and is definitely not the reason behind
all this. The reason why I wanted you out of the
Western Cape is for your safety."
Aphindiwe: "It's been over a month kodwa
ngoku and nobody has threatened you of
anything."
I narrowed my eyes at her
"Or is there?"
Me: "No"
Aphindiwe: "Exactly"
Me: "I feel like your stay isn't only about us hey."
Aphindiwe: "You're so ungrateful yazi"
I blew her a kiss, and found myself smiling
when she rolled her eyes. I wasn't sure if I
wanted her back at the school residence, as
much as I wanted her to be away for a while,
that place just didn't feel safe.

We had breakfast and for the first time in a long

while I played around with her, making her laugh.
Her mood this morning was the reason I ended
up smiling too, her sudden happiness rubbed
off on me. I made it clear to her that I hadn't yet
agreed to having her move back to the
residence, alternatively she could just remain
under this room after all. Before we bathed and
got ready for the day she asked me to undo her
hair, shouting at me during this because she
thought I would cut her hair every now and then.
She had long hair and still has, to be honest she
looked prettier in it but when I shared that
information with her, she gave me an uncertain
look. She left her hair curled and not combed
but it still looked beautiful, making her look
younger than her age.
Before driving to Bulelani's, I dropped her off at
Kimberley's flat. I left that place in smiles
because once again I called that coloured girl
by the name Khamila,and I felt it still fitted her
way better than Kimberley. At Bhuda's place
were my boys, some girls whom I really wasn't
interested in and plenty of meat and booze.
Being here shifted my mind off things, I was
oblivious to needing the break until I stepped
into that yard, the smell of braaied meat, soft
deep house music and some smiles and laughs
from happy people. I joined the gang after
greeting and giving hugs where necessary
Bulelani: "Uyalahleka kwedini (You're getting
lost boy)"
Me: "Bendingxaki neMain Groot man (Had a
problem with the main Groot man)"
Bulelani: "Unjani kodwa usisi? (How is she
though?)"
Me: "Uyaphila (sighs) ndim'lo ungathi yi mess
(She's good (sighs) I'm the one who's a mess)"
He moved his chair closer to me and placed his
arm around my shoulder, bringing me closer in
a side hug
"Sizothetha ngayo (We'll talk about it). Let's
drink for now."
I chuckled, moving away from him and leaning
backwards on my camp chair. I allowed myself
to enjoy the moment while it lasted because
with everything that life fucked up, these gents
here endured.

Nomthandazo

I was out and about with Sivuyisiwe, doing

some shopping, for both ourselves and my little
one. Yesterday I couldn't sleep, thinking about
all the male names I knew, and other possible
ones. I was aware that my father would want to
name his grandchild but his second name had
to be from his parents. I was overly excited,
praying about this pregnancy every chance I got.
I wasn't your type of girl to get on my knees and
pray but since I had lost my first child, I only
could rely on prayer on this little guy. The
appointment I had with the doctor yesterday
went well, Mihle threw in a huge amount of
interest about the baby, even though it wasn't
about my well-being, him being there meant a
lot. EarthChild and Keedo kids were the clothing
shops we visited, picking what we found
adorable and appropriate for my little prince. I
had told Mihle about my plans today, so he
ended up giving me his Capetic card and kept
the FNB for his own emergencies. I couldn't
take both his cards and leave him with nothing
for the weekend. After all, he had thousands in
here and that was enough for what we were
currently doing
Sivuyisiwe: "Jonga lena Nomtha (Look at this
one Nomtha)"
Me: "Kodwa we have the same in here njena."
Sivuyisiwe: "But look at it in this colour."
I took the cream and white beanie and socks
from her and held them in the air, comparing
them to the black and white
Sivuyisiwe: "Khawuthathe ucream lona. Ufuna
unxibisa umntana ingathi ngumntu omdala
(Take the cream. You want to dress the child
like an elder)"
She said that grabbing the black and white item
out of my hand and placing it back where I took
it
Me: "Cream and white is so cliché."
She rolled her eyes at me, pushing the trolley
"That's because those colours are the ones
which make babies look cute."
Me: "Owam umntana uzobamhle ke shame, no
matter the colour azinxibileyo (My child will be
handsome, no matter the colour he wears).
Take a look at his parents."
I placed my iPhone in front of his face, which
she pushed away but grabbed again and looked
at the screen of my phone
Sivuyisiwe: "Are you guys still together lento
uzonifaka as a wallpaper?"
Me: "No. Andiyazi (No. I don't know)"
Sivuyisiwe: "It's either a yes or no."
Me: "There's a chance that we could fix things
Sivu."
She pulled a straight face and looked at me. I
stared back at her and rolled her eyes, none of
them understood.
Me: "Khandiyeke toro (Please leave me alone)"
Sivuyisiwe: "I'm just trying to show you that it
isn't..."
Me: "Sivu please."
She lifted her hands in a surrender gesture and
shrugged her shoulders
"Uxolo."
Frankly, being judged like this got to me. I
preferred if people didn't understand how I felt
about Mihle or how I believed him and I could
work again, to just keep quiet and not say
anything at all. It was these opinionated people
who were the quickest to judge, those who
didn't want to hear my side of the story. I knew
how Mihle acted when we were together, I knew
that he still wanted to keep me around but it
was just a matter of time until he realized that I
was his forever. That mna nalomntana were his
future. And until then, I didn't give a damn about
how paranoid people thought I was.
152nd Entry

Aphindiwe
When I arrived at Kimberley's apartment she
was done getting ready, only doing a few touch-
ups on her make up. Luthando was the one who
had just stepped into the tub, rushing herself
into bathing whilst Kim and myself were picking
an outfit for her, amongst the dresses laid out
on top of the bed. Kimberley searched my
handbag and pulled out my dress, screaming
her lungs out as she unfolded it, causing
Lootlove to step out of the bathroom wet and
naked
"What is it?"
Kimberley: "Oh my word! You bitch! How did you
get this?"
Luthando: "How did she get what nah Kim?"
Kim turned around, holding my dress up for
Thando to examine, Thando took cautious
steps towards Kim, her jaw dropping
Luthando: "This is exactly what we were looking
for!"
Kimberley: "Where did you get this?"
Me: "Bought it, obviously"
"Bought it where?"
Me: "Loot go back into the tub bra, we'll be late
ndikuxelele (let me tell you)"
She tip toed back into the bathroom, not closing
the door behind her so she could peep through
to the bedroom
Me: "Some boutique. Well it's an old dress"
Kimberley: "Old where?"
Me: "Have worn it about two or three times
already"
Luthando: And that's old to you?!"
Me:" No, but I meant ayintshanga (it isn't new)"
Kimberley threw herself on the bed, hugging the
life out of my dress
"Now you got me feeling unsure about my
dress."
I pulled a face at her, that was ridiculous if you
asked me.
Me: "You're speaking nonsense. Let me see
your dress."
She dragged herself off the bed and walked
towards the wardrobe. Well, we had this outing
planned during the week and she was the one
who suggested we wear dresses, and heels. I
just hoped this day outing overlapped to the
night hours but knowing my boyfriend, I
doubted that would be the case. With me I had
brought my grey skin tight dress which sat
below my knees, my brown thick heeled shoes
to match with my brown handbag and a long
black coat. Kimberley threw me a short tight
dress, for someone her height it probably
reached thigh size. I took a look at it and to be
honest, it wasn't as bad as she fussed.
Me: "But this is nice njena Kim. What do you
want girl?"
Kimberley: "Argh! You don't understand"
Me: "Of course I don't"
She rolled her eyes, throwing herself on the bed
again.
"That's because ebefuna into enjalo intsuku
zanje (That's because she wanted something
like that for these days.)"
Thando said, walking into the bedroom, holding
up three fingers to indicate the number of days
Kim has been searching for the dress. I turned
and looked at my friend who was now holding
her dress like she didn't like it when she picked
it in the store
Me: "And I can't even borrow you mine
because..."
Kimberley: "Obviously not! It would look like a
sack on me damm't. With all those curvelicious
parts hanging"
Me: "Hayi Kim (No Kim)"
Kimberley: "What?"
I sat on the bed and sighed, she honestly was
fussing out of nothing really. Luthando was
standing in the middle of the bedroom, texting
on her phone
"Haike ngoku. Thiza (Oh wow. Gosh)"
"What?" Kim and I simultaneously said
Luthando: "Mimi is inviting herself over."
Kimberley: "What?! Tell her we've left already"
Luthando: "Too late"
Kimberley: "Loot!"
Luthando: "Well she texted me saying she been
trying to call you, so what else could I have
done?"
Kimberley: "(groans) and another problem"
Me: "Does she know the attire?"
Luthando: "Just texted her"
Kimberley rolled her eyes and groaned, for the
second time since I arrived here.
Me: "She can't be that bad"
Kimberley: "Oh she is sweetheart glo my. As sy
nie alle mans deur haar voorkoms neem nie, sy
drink die meeste sonder om te help (Oh she is
sweetheart believe me. If she isn't taking all
men because of her looks, she's drinking the
most without contributing.)"
I laughed, hard infact. The boredom and
irritation on Kim's face made the situation
worse
"So you're jealous because she get men?"
Kimberley: "No babe. I do know she's beautiful, I
mean the girl looks like an Asian and Indian
mixed all together but all these men don't know
how much of a clumsy ass she is until they
have her around then guess what?"
Me: "What?"
Kimberley: "We end being the rebound"
I cracked again, unable to contain myself. I
loved this coloured bitch more than anything.
After finally containing myself I stole a glance
of her again, she still looked bored, playing with
the nail polish she was holding to use on her
toes.
Me: "Let's get ready guys, ya'll know I have a
father and not a boyfriend. He'll be crashing my
phone in no time."
Kimberley: "Can't you tell him you're sleeping
over?"
Me: "I'll try but I don't promise anything"
Luthando: "It's cute how he looks out for you
though"
Me: "It is but sometimes it's out of hand"
Kimberley: "Control freak."
Luthando: "Hayi chommie! You always out here
trying to make people see negative things in
their men"
Kimberley: "But why would he refuse her a
simple night out? I mean he hasn't put a ring on
it yet, not until then, this girl here (points Phindi)
should go out anytime she pleases."
I laughed, before nodding and high fiving her.
Loot was shaking her head, chuckling as she
was looking at us on the mirror. I did my make-
up, doing Thando's as well, she wasn't your
make-up type of a girl. She was beautiful in her
smooth baby looking skin and that's how she
liked it but Kim and I forced her into trying some
that day. We were almost done when there was
a knock at the door, knowing whom we all
expected, we sort off ignored her first and
second knock but Lootlove dragged herself to
the door when Mimi wouldn't stop knocking.
Wangena sele ethetha kakade (she walked in
talking already)
"And then anavula? (And then ya'll don't open?)"
Kimberley: "Can't you see we busy?"
Mihlali: "OMG Kim, udlame sisi (anger lady)"
I found myself chuckling as I looked at
Kimberley's face. I saw her, that being Mihlali,
looking at me through the mirror
Me: "Yintoni? (What is it?)"
Mihlali: "You look weird"
Me: "Weird?"
I turned around to face her, like always she
looked at me from head to toe before she
stared hard at my face, her eyes calculating. I
was about to turn and look at the mirror to
finish off the mascara when she said
"Oh yes! There's no weave this time around."
Luthando: "Wow dude nyani nah? (Wow dude
for real?)"
Mihlali: "Khange ndiqaphele kaloku (I didn't
notice) and she looks..."
Me: "I look?"
Mihlali: "Not the same"
Me: "Isn't that obvious kodwa?"
Mihlali: "Uyothusa xa uneweave (you're
intimidating with a weave on), one would think
you're that beautiful"
I stopped applying the lipstick and looked at
that girl, she was smiling widely, making her
look even more stupid.
Kimberley: "Let's leave before Mimi speaks
more shit."
Mihlali: "That wasn't an insult mos. Or did I
offend you P?"
I didn't respond, was not in the mood of
answering anyway. I was beginning to think this
girl had a problem with me, if it wasn't her
thinking I was milking my boyfriend out
financially then it was her calling me ugly.

We stepped out of the house and into Kim's

vehicle, Thando was driving, only because Kim
had started drinking even before we left the
apartment. Being the first time having Luthando
as a driver, I was not comfortable at all, and
every time I made a comment, Kim assured me
that she was a better driver, even better than
her. We arrived at Shimmy beach club, a very
nice place indeed, since it was the early hours
of the day, late in the noon, it was not yet
packed, just a few tables occupied with people
having their drinks. We ordered our drinks and
occupied a table, chatting our way through and
laughing every now and then. Because my girls
were divas we had a bottle of white wine in an
ice bucket and our glasses of cocktails, we
were on our second glasses of cocktail while
Mimi and Kimberley were enjoying the wine.
They mentioned something about taking me to
Chez Ntemba nightclub later on, I was only
hoping Mihle would agree to the sleepover, I
needed it. The amount of alcohol I have been
consuming was now taking a turn, I could feel it
in me. I received his first call around something
to seven, decided to excuse myself and take the
phone call outside
"Fhaku."
Mihle: "Unjani baby? Useright? (How are you
baby? Still alright?)"
Me: "More than alright"
Mihle: "Umnandi? (You're nice?)"
Me: "(giggles) Kumnandi apha (It's fun here)"
Mihle: Niphi? (where are ya'll?)"
Me: Shimmy something
He chuckled before I heard a female voice on
the other side of the line, I heard him pardon her
prior to calling Bulelani's name and getting back
to me
"You got girls apho (there)?"
Mihle: "There's girls yes"
Me: "Ukhona uyakho? (Is there yours?)"
Mihle: "When am I picking you up?"
Me: "Oh about that, ndicela (can I) sleepover by
Kim's?"
Mihle: "Aphindiwe?"
Me: "Please Mihle. Ndiyakucela (I beg you) just
this time only."
He kept quiet for a while before he cleared his
throat and sighed
Mihle: "I will call you back"
Me: "Is that a yes?"
"Ndithe I'll call you back."
I nodded even though he couldn't see and
ended the call, I had a strong feeling he would
refuse this one. I was beginning to have my
stubborn minds back and wanted to switch my
phone off, why the fuck did it have to feel like I
had David with me in Cape Town? I went back
inside and continued having fun with my girls.
At to ten we drove to this mysterious club and
immediately when we arrived there, I was
amused by the amount of cars packed outside,
waiting for the place to open up. I failed to
understand why they only opened the club this
late if it had so many supporters. It was almost
three hours since Mihle said he would call, and
at that moment I didn't really care if he did or
didn't, I was feeling myself, a little too good to
whine over a phone call from my man who was
probably making another woman blush
wherever he was. At the dance floor, my knees
killing me because of dancing in heights but
that didn't stop me I knew I was receiving all
sorts of stares because Kimberley kept on
telling me, she was drunk herself, so I wasn't
alone in this. I stopped dancing when someone
poked me on my shoulder, I turned around and
saw a worried looking Luthando
"Ntoni babe? (What is it babe?!)"
Luthando: "You phone has been ringing. You
have 11 missed calls!"
We were speaking from the top of our voices
because of the music. I took my iPhone from
her and looked at it, she did not tell me Mihle
was on the phone
"Fhaku wam!"
Mihle: "Aphindiwe, I been trying to call you.
Kutheni ungaphenduli phone? (Why don't you
answer your phone?)"
I couldn't hear him so I kept on asking him to
repeat himself, while making way through the
club to find the restrooms. I could hear from his
voice that he was annoyed and probably angry. I
finally found the way to the toilets but stopped
when some guy touched my ass
"You son of bitch. Sundibambha! Khandiyeke!
(Don't hold me! Leave me alone!)"
I managed to break free and could not even
hear Mihle talking on the other side, that is how
disgusted I was. When I felt I was at a more
appropriate place to talk I asked him to
continue, and when he did, he did a lot of
shouting than talking.
Mihle: "Aphindiwe uyandivha? (Aphindiwe do
you hear me?)"
Me: "Yes sir, we at Ntemba club. I got the name
right aneh?"
I asked giggling, he sighed and I could picture
his face, how beautiful it endured even when he
was angry as a beast.
Mihle: "When I get there we going home."
He hung up before I could even ask him why he
was taking me home. I retreated back to our
table and my eyes almost fell out when I saw
Drew's friend, I forgot his name but I
remembered him. He looked at me and smiled
too
Guy: "Phindi"
Me: "Remind me your name again."
Guy: "Papi"
Me: "(laughs) Papi yes, you are right!"
Papi: "You're something else when drunk"
Me: "I am?"
I questioned, laughing. Kimberley was on the
side having a chat with Luthando, so I excused
myself and went to my girls. They were having
an argument about why Thando would call
Andrew at this time, Thando's excuse was that
we were all drunk and there's no one to drive us
home. Kim was being dramatic as well, mad
over this and the alcohol was talking.
I was still trying to give some reason to Kim
when some encicled their arms around my
waist and when I was about to move he pulled
me close and whispered
"Skat."
Knowing there was only one person who used
that term on me I smiled, removing his hands
from me. I turned around and found him smiling,
looking a little high and clean as always
Me: "Hello you."
Andrew: "Come here. I want to show you
something"
Me: "What? I'm still preventing these girls from
fighting, Kim is..."
He placed his hand over my mouth and looked
at me
"I know my sister, she's more than fine, now
come."
I obliged and followed him, well he had my hand
in his. We walked outside and I had forgotten it
wasn't as hot as it was inside. Immediately
when we found a flat surface I removed my
heels and held them in my hands, he took them
away from me, holding them and walked
besides me, we continued walking and went a
little far from the club until we came to stop
next to his car.
Andrew: "Wanted a quiet place just to talk with
you nothing much."
Me: "Is there a problem?"
Andrew: "No"
I looked down and around before my eyes met
his again
Andrew: "Every time I see you, you look better
than before."
I giggled and closed my eyes, feeling a little
dizzy. He touched my forehead, asking me if I
was okay which I nodded to and he caught me
off guard when he placed a kiss on my forehead,
reminding me of the man that was probably on
the way to pick me up. I looked up at him and
froze when he stepped close, closing the gap
between him and I
Me: Andr...
He captured my lips in his, stopping me from
talking and unlike I expected, I didn't pull back
nor push him away, instead allowed myself to
relax. He held my chin and tilted my face,
running his tongue on my lips, even though he
wasn't as good as Mihle, he was good too. I
broke the kiss immediately when Mihle crossed
my mind, he chuckled in my ear before
whispering
"It's okay, we'll take your time." then placed a
kiss on my cheek.

We spent God knows how long outside until I

asked him we go back inside. After the kiss
there was some awkwardness but he managed
to break through it and ease the tension, my
comfort was getting the best of me and it
scared me really because I seemed to like this
flirting game this guy and I were doing. We
approached the club in smiles, him filling me in
about the type of girl he thought I was when he
first saw me, it was funny because I was
nothing close to what he thought.
When we walked into the club my heels still in
his hands, we walked towards the table, trying
to find way through the crowd, my hand was in
his so he wouldn't lose me amongst these
people. I was still drunk but a beautiful kind of
drunk, the drunk that made me wish this night
would't end because I was beginning to know a
guy and I somehow I'd get to know him further
without hurting or ruining what I had with Mihle.
He said something to me smiling, and I stood
on my tippy toes, pardoning him but when he
didn't repeat himself I took note of the change
on his face, how his face went from warm to
cold within a matter of seconds. Seeing that he
was staring ahead, I decided to avert my
attention to whatever he was looking at and my
heart dropped to my tummy when I saw Mihle
sitting in between Mihlali and Luthando, a beer
infront of him and looking hard at Andrew. I
slowly withdrew my hand from Andrew's and
my heart literally broke when I saw his eyes
shift from Drew's face to our hands, then to my
face.
It's still right now that I am yet not over the look
he gave me before he stood up and took careful
steps towards us. He didn't dare break eye
contact with me, he stood in front of me and
even his scent that I was already used made me
feel like it was the last time I was inhaling. He
stepped closer and placed a kiss on my
forehead then whispered in my ear
"Enjoy your sleepover."

What the fuck have I done?

153rd Entry

Mihle
I don't remember what pace I used to step out
of that club but I do know that I could have
killed someone in that mood. As I stepped
outside I felt the wind against my face and it felt
good but I wasn't concentrating on that now, my
mind was still stuck on their image when they
walked in, her hand in his and how happy she
actually looked. She said to me she was going
out with her girls and not with Andrew and the
girls. I punched the bonnet of my car, cursing
under my breathe, I leaned on it and closed my
eyes. I was trying to add one plus one, to get
answers without questioning, fuck whatever
conclusion I made, it would be all causes by this.
I turned and looked at that entrance, seeing that
door increased my anger because I knew what
was behind it. I wanted her to follow me but I
probably knew she was wouldn't, because of
two reasons: either because Andrew would try
speaking her into not to or because she feared
the reaction she'd get from me. So the only
thing to do in my situation was to walk back in
there and take her. I made way to the entrance
but stopped when I was a few steps away from,
with the way I was feeling I was definitely going
to drag her out and not take her out.
"Fuck!"
A few people were staring at me but I wasn't
concerned about their looks, my fucken worry
was on my lovely girlfriend who has just fucked
me over. I chuckled, tightening my fists and
clenching my jaws, that was before I closed my
eyes trying to calm down. I opened them after a
while and sighed, turned around and retreated
to my car. Inside I contemplated again, whether
I should drive off or go back inside but every
time I felt I should go take her something
contradicted the feeling, making it feel like she
was going to choose him over me. I don't recall
how long I was in that car before I turned on my
engine and drove off, at least about twenty
minutes before I stopped and placed my head
on the steering wheel. I sighed about two times
prior to pulling out my cell phone from my
pocket and dialling Aphindiwe's number. If you
were to ask the real reason behind me
contacting her, I wouldn't really have. I was in a
space where I was confused, crashing and my
mind was all over the place. I've never Been
cheated on, zange ndatyelwa, at least that's
what I know and now this feeling was new to
me.
I placed the phone on my ear and waited for her
to pick up on the other side. I threw my cell
phone on the passenger seat when it hit
voicemail and stepped out of my car. I had
stopped on the yellow line of th road and the
darkness of the night indicated that we were
approaching mid night. Anger, frustration,
betrayal and all sorts of negative emotions was
what I was experiencing at that moment. I
spent another hour, sitting in my car, parked on
that yellow line and still trying to comprehend
what I saw in that club. Their bond made them
look like they were fucking, and if that was the
case I don't know how I'd act if seeing them
walk in the club, holding hands made me feel
this way.

I barely slept, spent half of my morning sitting

on my couch, dashing my Hennessey with Play
energy drink, thinking. I only managed to lay my
head down only when I consumed enough
alcohol to make me ease for those few hours. I
wasn't your type to go lashing out when I was
drunk, dealing with my problems under the
influence, no I always wanted to be sober so I
could feel it in me, and know it was the
conscious me that was doing whatever I were
to do. I woke up the following day with the
knowledge of what I'd do, the only way to find
closure and be better than what I was, I had to
talk to her. I prepared myself breakfast and took
a long shower, one that was needed to release
the tension from my muscles. I took a decision
that I'd contact Aphindiwe on my way to
fetching her, even though the headache I had
was tempting me into staying home and dealing
with this alone, I wanted to talk to her, to know
what's up
I dressed in black skinny jeans that weren't tight,
a white shirt and my brown monk shoes,
matching the brown with my belt and
wristwatch. I was going to attend a braai Bianca
was hosting for her 26th birthday party hence
the outfit. I grabbed a can of Play before
stepping out of the house, it was the only
energy I enjoyed, if I weren't that then it was
Redbull. My plan wasn't to stay at Bianca's
event, I was not the best of me so I didn't want
to hang around when I was bad company.
uBulelani wayengatshayisani ncam noBianca
(Bulelani and Bianca didn't see eye to eye)so he
rejected the invite, resulting to me only going
there with Nkulie. My boy called earlier on
telling me he'd be driving his own vehicle, 2014
Polo Vivo, which has had an engine problem for
the past few months, but since he purchased a
new engine and had the car painted from
stretch I bet it looked brand new as hell. One
reason I had to drink to.
I contacted Aphindiwe when I was about 18 KM
from Stellenbosch and she didn't sound keen to
meeting up with me but I informed her I was
coming by anyway. I understood her anxiety, if I
were her I'd probably be feeling it too, but had it
been her who caught me cheating, I would have
probably convinced her otherwise. I parked my
car on the pavement next to the security gate
when I reached my destination and contacted
her, I could hear the other girls talking on the
background. I waited for over five minutes
before she appeared, wearing loose shorts and
a white vest. Thinking I was going to be able to
contain myself, I felt my anger return in
hundreds by just seeing her. I needed to calm
down or else I probably wouldn't talk in this
state but hurt her. She was walking in small
steps, fidgeting with her nails, something she
did every time she was nervous. I sighed about
two times before she opened the door of my
car and stepped in, her sweet scent filling my
nostrils.
"Hey."
I turned and looked at her, my plan was to greet
back but ended up staring hard at her, to extent
that she had to break eye contact and look the
other way
Me: "Ugrand? (Are you okay?"
She shook her head, looking at her hands. There
was silence in the car, I had so much to say to
her, so much I wanted to say. I could feel my
face heating up from the anger I was feeling, I
was probably pink, close to red by now
Me: "Ufuna ndithini Aphindiwe? (What do you
want me to say Aphindiwe? "
Aphindiwe: "I'm sorry"
Me: "You're bloody sorry?!"
I might have raised my voice a little, making her
flinch but that was something I'd worry about
later, right now she had to answer me but she
kept quiet
"Look at me damn't!"
Aphindiwe: "Sundishouta (Don't yell at me)
geez!"
Me: "(chuckles) you got the nerve yazi."
I was agitated, you could hear from the way I
was breathing that I was angry, trying to keep
calm but it wasn't working. She kept her eyes on
me, tried looking strong but I knew she was
intimidated by me
Aphindiwe: "I said I'm sorry then you go on
yelling at me like I'm a kid."
Me: "You said you sorry. And what I do look like
kuwe? A fucken idiot?"
She pouted, radiating some sickening attitude
and looking away. I absentmindlely grabbed her
wrist and brought her close, she tried to pull
back but I tightened my grip on her and the look
on her face indicated that she was feeling the
pain, but I did not let her go
Me: "If you're fucking Andrew..."
She chuckled, raising her eyebrow at me. She
was stepping on my toes and I was trying so
hard to remain calm. I wasn't aware that I was
tightening my grip even tighter until she hissed,
trying to pull back, I let go but didn't break eye
contact
Aphindiwe: "It's sad that you think of your
girlfriend as such a person."
Me: "Uzondiphendula? (Are you going to answer
me?)"
Aphindiwe: "Do you think that low of me nah
Mi..."
"Are you fucking Andrew or not?!"
Aphindiwe: "I can't stand this."
She opened the door, I tried holding her arm but
couldn't so I grabbed hold of her vest, she
forced, breaking free, making me tear the vest
from the strap. She broke free and being aware
that she'd head straight to the gate I stepped
out of my car and followed her. I held her
forearm and pulled her in, she turned and
looked at me
"No. I am not fucking with Andrew."
My eyes were all over her face, judging from the
way I was feeling I could probably slap her right
now, or do something to get her damn attitude
in line because wayendichophe emagxheni,
endinyela ngoku (because she was sitting on
my shoulders, shitting on me). I narrowed my
eyes at her, trying to see where all this act was
coming from, but more importantly I wanted to
see if she was telling the truth. I don't know how
long it was with me breathing in her face until
she spoke
Aphindiwe: "Ndicela undiyeke (Please let go of
me)"
Me: "Do you know what self respect is?"
Aphindiwe: "Mihle, I said I'm sorry."
Me: "You"re bad at answering questions yazi."
Aphindiwe: "Ndiyayazi (I do know it)"
"You lack it."
I let go of her arm and watched her pull away,
taken by surprise by what I had just said
Me: "You should have told me ubuze apha
eKapa to seduce men. Would have been better
if I knew I was one of those."
Aphindiwe: "Iintoni? (What?)"
Me: "If you treat yourself like a bitch, then I'll
treat you like a bitch Aphindiwe."
"Fuck you Mihle."
I watched her walk away from me, the anger
that was on her face before said the F word,but
honestly I didn't care at that moment, I was
angry myself, couldn't even get myself to run
after her. I walked over to the passenger side
and closed the door before walking over to my
side and closing the door. I laid my head back
on the seat and tried emptying my mind. Maybe
I did need that party after all.
I arrived at the event a few minutes after two,
like always Bianca was the happiest to see me.
The crush this young lady had on me was heavy,
it was just some silly feelings at first but after
our second fuck, she was out calling herself my
girlfriend. Something we had to sit down and
talk about, it hurt her pretty much but didn't stop
her from being attached. I gave her a side hug
and a kiss on the cheek
Me: "Happy birthday Miss"
Bianca: "Thanks handsome. Thanks for
coming."
Me: "Any time.How old are we?"
Bianca: "Twenty-six."
Me: "Sibadala mos (We old mos)"
She giggled, pulling me inside the lounge. I
almost thought out loud by the amount of
ladies that were in that lounge, an amount that I
wasn't really interested in. I leaned to the side
and whispered to her
"Where are the gents?"
Bianca: "You scared of girls? That's the first."
Me: "I just want the place with the gents first."
She took my hand and leaded me to the
backyard, a couple of guys were chilling in a
circle, having their beers while two were at the
braaing stand. The only guy I knew amongst
these here was Nkululeko, and he seemed like
he was already familiar with these gentlemen. I
did my greetings before I found myself a chair
and sat next to Nkululeko. He and I discussed
some business, briefly, before we joined the
conversation with the other guys. Since I wasn't
planning on being here for long, I informed B as
well as Nkulie, telling them that I'd leave. After a
couple of beers I was ready to go but on my
way out I was stopped by Miss party herself
"Leaving already?"
Me: "I have to baby girl"
Bianca: "That's sad."
Me: "What are you doing tonight?"
Bianca: "Nothing. Why?"
Me: "You must collect your birthday present."
She smiled from one ear to the other, I shoved
my hands in my pockets and watched the
excitement on her face. She knew what I was
referring to
Bianca: "Okay"
She walked me to my car and hovered over my
window before I drove off
"You must contact me before you come
through."
Bianca: "I'll do that"
I nodded and roared the engine of my car, she
stepped aside allowing me to drive off. On my
way to my place all I was thinking about was
Aphindiwe, I couldn't get her off my mind. The
way she acted was ridiculous, she couldn't have
expected me to jump because of a lame "I'm
sorry" that was bullshit, then when I get mad
she throws a tantrum. It was mind working. I
wasn't going to take this lightly, not a chance. I
just needed to allow my anger to rest but
tomorrow I was driving to her school whether
she liked it or not.

I arrived at my place and checked cheap B&Bs

for one night. I wasn't going to spend my night
there but was just planning for these few hours
with Bianca. I didn't sleep with girls at my place,
using my bed for that matter. Any female that I
was going to fuck and I wasn't in a relationship
with, I used B&'B or hotel room, depending on
the amount of time we'd use together. If it
happened to be someone I know, who doesn't
stay here, I did bring them around my house
during the day. They all knew because I do tell
them, umntu angene eyazi uba ndenza njani (so
a person agrees knowing how I operate things).
Aphindiwe was the only lady I brought to my
house and shared a bed with before I dated,
that too was a mistake because I played
against my rules. I was that crazy about her
from the beginning that she messed with my
head. I found the cheapest, about fifteen to
twenty minutes away from my place. My mind
wasn't on this but I saw it as an opportunity to
distress. I haven't been active for a month with
some couple of days only because I feared
touching my girlfriend, thinking I'd bring back
the feeling not knowing that she was being
touched elsewhere. I chuckled, running my hand
down my face before leaning back on the single
-seat couch and pulling out the leg resting part.
The stress and tension was felt from behind my
left ear, down my shoulder and down my spine
as well.
I took a nap of a couple of hours, probably close
to two before my phone rang, disturbing me. I
leaned forward and took it from the coffee table,
sliding the answer icon on the screen
"Hello."
"Hey"
Me: "Ufunani Nomtha? (What do you want
Nomtha?)"
Nomthandazo: "Haibo Mihle. Is that the way
we're going to talk to each other nah?"
Me: "What do you want?"
Nomthandazo: "Mxm. Bendifuna ukuxelela (I
wanted to inform you) that our next
appointment has been scheduled for next week
Saturday, so you better write it down"
Me: "Sure"
Nomthandazo: "Uright kodwa? (Are you okay
though?) Happy?"
I chuckled, with my eyes still closed, this was
her way of making the conversation longer
"Kutheni uzondibuza lonto? (Why would you ask
me that?)"
Nomthandazo: "I just saw Friday how you were
all tense. Ingathi you aren't at your happiest
place."
Me: "I'm fine"
Nomthandazo: "Oh Alright. We good too noboy."
Me: "Undiphuzele kulo Ndoda (Kiss that man for
me)"
Nomthandazo: "Will do tatakhe."
Me: "Sure"
"Bye."
I removed it from my ear and remained in the
same position for about a minute before I
opened my eyes and stretched. I got up and
retired to the kitchen, pulled out frozen pizza
and placed it on the counter. In the fridge I took
out some Tupperware lunch box which had ribs
Aphindiwe had left two days ago, ribs I served
with the beef stew, I warmed those and filled a
glass with Mango Krush. I retreated to the
lounge, made myself comfortable on the couch
and lit the television, tuning on the sport news. I
watched those for a while meanwhile feasting
and tried to get my mind off things. I was an
impatient person, and waiting drove me crazy,
especially if it was something I wanted to talk
about. I wanted to rechat with Phindi and
waiting for tomorrow was driving me insane.

It was a couple of minutes after half seven

when Bianca knocked at my door, looking
beautiful as always. She stepped inside
checking the house and making comments
about how clean it was, I was a clean person so
you wouldn't expect my place to look untidy. We
drove to the B&B subsequently to getting some
snack for her, she asked for Pringles and a can
of dry lemon. We managed to get the room
without any obstacles and right when we
stepped inside she made herself comfortable
on the bed. She was laying on her tummy, giving
me a chance to touch her legs which weren't
covered by her cotton dress. It was a short
dress, thigh size. I positioned myself between
her legs and lifted the dress, uncovering her ass.
Her panties were hidden between her butt
cheeks, her waistband being the only thing I
saw. When I touched them, removing them she
stopped me
"Aren't we going to chat, catch up first?"
Me: "We'll do the chatting later."
She giggled, attempting to turn so she'd lay on
her back but I kept her there by holding her
waist
Me: "Let's play by my rules baby. Okay?"
She nodded, giggling and blushing insanely.
I knelt between her legs and moved her up. She
pulled her dress over her head and remained in
that position. I pulled out my erected manhood
and pulled her panties to the side. I didn't have
to ask her what to do, she knew she had to lift
her waist up so I'd get better access. I rubbed
my manhood against her private part, to soak it
a little more. When it was wet enough on the
outside, making the tip of my manhood wet I
moved towards her anus and grabbed her right
butt cheek, I opened it a little wide and found
her anus. She tensed when I pushed in, trying to
get me off her back
"Relax."
Bianca: "It's bloody painful"
Me: "If you relax it'll get better."
She grabbed the sheets and waited for me. I've
had anal sex with her before, a couple of times,
but she has told me I was the only man she felt
okay doing this with. I knew my manhood was
big enough to have a woman cry from sexual
pleasure so any time I was about to push it in
the butt I had to make sure it was wet enough
not to cause pain for the lady but today my
mind wasn't on that. She hissed when I pushed
further, screaming her lungs out on the pillow
she was biting. I was half way in when she
stopped me
Bianca: "Please stop. Please"
Me: "B?"
Bianca: "Jy maak my seer (You're hurting me)"
I clenched my jaws and closed my eyes,
allowing my body to feel the contradicting
emotions I was going through. I stretched out
my body so I could touch her hands, once I did I
placed mine on top of hers, locking our fingers.
I placed a kiss on her shoulder and bit her
earlope
"Baby we've done this before. I just want you to
relax. Okay?"
She nodded
Me: "Now relax, you know it gets better in time
right"
She nodded again, smiling when I placed a kiss
on her cheek. With my hands still holding hers I
whispered sweet nothings to her, trying to shift
her mind from the pain. I let go of one hand and
placed it on her waist, indicating to her that she
must lift it a little more, which she did. I pushed
in further, going full in. She moved up, towards
the headboard, moving away from me so I
exited out of her. I stopped her by holding her
waist and pulling her back to me, she was about
to say something, tightening my left wrist when
I pushed myself in her again. She struggled in
my hold, turning her body half way to the side.
Aware that she wanted to lay on her back so I'd
pull out of her, I placed my right hand on her
waist and put on some weight to prevent her
from moving. I stroked slowly and gently until I
could see her relaxing, her butt getting used to
the sensation, I then asked something that
would confuse any woman with a responding
body
"Do you want me to stop?"
She shook her, taking her lower lip between her
teeth. I found myself smiling before I held her
waist and turned her so she laid on her tummy
like she had been earlier on. I lifted her waist
and placed my hands on her sides, lifting my
body so it hovered over hers.
This was going to be one hell of a ride.
154th Entry

Aphindiwe

I walked into the flat literally fuming with anger.

Mihlali was standing at the counter making
herself a bowl of cereal at something past one
in the afternoon
"Haibo wanquma ntombi. Yintoni? (Wow, so
much anger girl. What's is it?)"
I wasn't going to answer her, she had nothing to
do with my business and on top of that
she&apos;d rather go on about how hot my man
is and how stupid I was to let him go, rather
than giving advice. I threw threw myself next to
Kimberley and sighed out loud, she and
Luthando were both staring at me
Kimberley: "So you want us to ask what the
problem is? Phindi what is the problem?"
Me: "Sundidika Kim (Don't bore me Kim)"
Kimberley: "Just talk already."
Me: "(chuckles) he called me a bitch"
Luthando's mouth hung while Kimberley blust
into fits of laughter
Kimberley: "He did what?"
Me: "He said I'm a female dog"
Luthando: "Yho."
Kimberley: "I love your man."
Kim had a huge smile on her face
"My friendin I'm not laughing because he swore
at you but it's just funny because every time I
think you're changing this guy, he becomes
worse."
Mihlali: "But he's got a point, don't you think?"
Luthando: "You are the mother of bitches ke
wena so uthule (so keep quiet)"
Mihlali: "What? Hayi asoze..."
Luthando: "Usuka eDurban ngobufebe qha
wena so please spare us Mihlali (You're from
Durban only because of bitching so please
spare us Mihlali)"
Mihlali: "Mxm"
Kimberley: "Loot though (giggles ) I'll never get
used to your feisty side. Anyway, Ms Dabula
what happened?"
Luthando: "Where did it all start?"
Me: "Like everybody else, he wanted to know if I
was interested in Andrew."
Kimberley: "And are you?"
Me: "Guys we spoke about this izolo njena
(yesterday mos) and I assured you guys I'm not"
Kimberley: "I don't want any of my friends"
"I am not interested in Andrew Kim haibo!"
Kimberley: "Don't get worked up. I just want you
to know"
Mihlali: "The way you guys walked into the club
yesterday was s uspicious. No wonder uMihle
was angry."
Me: "It's Andrew who wants me and not the
other way around."
Luthando: "Or maybe you guys want each
other?"
Me: "No"
Mihlali: "Then why don't you tell him to fuck off
xa caba awumfuni (if you don't want him)? I
mean you have nothing to lose from telling him
to leave you alone"
Kimberley: "She's got a point"
Me: "I was just being friendly with the guy"
Kimberley: "Maybe too friendly because look
where that got you now babe."
Me: "Mxm khanime ndiyolala (let me just go
sleep)"
When I was about to stand up Kimberley held
my hand and looked at me
"No you're sitting here with us but we just
wanted to know."
Me: "I sense I'll get dumped and you guys are
here putting me in a corner for spending a
fucken hour with Andrew outside the club. Ain't
like I fucked him"
Luthando: "It won't be that easy for him to leave
you if uyakuthanda P (if he loves you P)"
"I'm beginning to doubt that."
Kimberley: "Don't be ridiculous. No man would
let you move in his house if he doesn't love
you."
I sighed, leaning backwards and closed my eyes.
Kim placed a kiss on my cheek before shouting
Kimberley: "Who wants ice cream?"
I lifted my hand prior to opening my eyes,
Luthando was smiling at Kim
Luthando: "Somer bring the tub friend, with
three spoons"
Mihlali: "How much food do you take in a day
P?"
Me: "How am I supposed to know that?"
Mihlali: "Like utya kangaphi ngemini? (How
many times do you eat a day?)"
Me: "Three, two. I don't know. It depends on
how moody I am that day."
Mihlali: "Your figure stays in place"
Me: "I know. Naxa ndityeba, ndityeba mpundu
and curves. Yindalo I guess (Even when I do get
fat, I gain on my butt and curves. It's nature I
guess)"
Luthando: "But your figure has picked up some
fat. It was smaller than it is now."
Me: "My tummy yes"
Luthando: "Yonwabile girl. Uphethwe kakuhle
ngubhuti (You're happy girl. Brother is taking
well care of you)"
Me: "Ngoku andithukayo (now that he's
swearing at me)"
Kimberley laughed, giving me that stop it look.
Mihlali: "Kim loves this swearing part"
"I can't get enough of it."
She responded, finding a seat next to me and
Mihlali, holding the icre cream tub and spoons
which she gave to Loot and myself. We chatted
the hours through, trying to pass time. I wanted
to go to Belmar but I had to communicate with
Mihle first. I knew I was wrong and all because
undidikile uMihle when he continued yelling at
me as though he were talking to a five year old,
I heard him loud and clear the first time, and I
apologized for it.
Mihlali left that Sunday evening, in fact we
dropped her off at her home then returned to
Kim's apartment. Luthando went to her dorm to
get pyjamas for her and I. The only clothes I had
with me here was the outfit I wore when I left
the house yesterday, as well as the dress.
Panties, I had one, and currently wasn't wearing
any because it was wet. I insisted we drove to
the mall earlier that day to grab me an outfit,
panty and towel but no Kim was to hangovered
to drive and Loot was lazy. So that resulted to
Kim sacrificing her non-used toiletry items for
me, a towel and spare toothbrush. By the time
we went to bed I was suffering from a terrible
headache caused by all the thinking I was doing,
I was frustrated to be honest with you qha
ipride yayindinyisa (but pride was shitting on
me).

Monday morning Loot was the first to leave for

classes, I didn't have any study material with
me so when Kimberley woke me up to take a
bath, I rolled over, facing the other side. She
stood over me, naked and pulled the blankets
away, exposing my face
"Word waker! (Wake up!)"
Me: "Why you standing over me, naked?!"
Kimberley: "Get up. You'll be late for classes"
Me: "I'm not attending."
Kimberley: "That's nonsense"
She walked over to the mirror and allowed me
to get under the blankets again. I heard her
saying something to herself before she walked
out of the bedroom. It wasn't long after her exit
when I heard the music blasting through the
speakers, echoring through the apartment. She
walked into the bedroom once again, dancing to
Rihanna's porn the reply. I kicked under the
blankets before sitting on my butt. She smiled
at me while singing along
Me: "Fine! I'm up."
She nodded, still dancing simultaneously
looking through her wardrobe for something to
wear. I managed to drag myself out of the bed
to take a quick shower, that was after she told
me she would wait for me so we could drive
together. I dressed in that skin tight dress,
which I had washed the previous day and my
white Nike Air force. While I was applying my
make-up, she was cramming down some cereal.
We made it out the house with my ears aching
from the many compliments I received from
this lady about making her late. She missed her
first class thst day and it was all because of me,
so she said. With the exam pad and clutch
pencil she borrowed me, I made my way to the
administration immediately after we stepped
into campus, to obtain a copy of my timetable,
which took decades because of the administer
uwayehoye iindaba rather than lento
ndandiyicela (who was paying attention to
gossip rather than what I was asking her). I had
memorized my timetable but had some classes
I wasn't sure about, hence my short visit to the
administration. My day stretched out a little
normal, attended only two sessions before I
received a call from my boyfriend whom I
wasn't sure was still my boyfriend, he wanted to
see me. I explained to him that it was one of the
two days of the week where I did not have a
break during my sessions, but when he agreed
and rescheduled I told him it was alright, I'd
miss a class for him. Ndandimkhumbula kodwa
eyonanto iphambili, kwakukufuna uva isizathu
sofuna undibona (I missed him but my best
interest was in hearing the reason behind him
wanting to see me).

I spotted his car parked outside the campus

thirteen minutes after our call, I was still inside
the school yard. I stood up from the bench I
was sitting on, grabbed my handbag which I
was using as a school bag for namhlanje and
made my way outside the campus. The less the
distance was until I got to his car, the more I
prayed he was better than what he was
yesterday, I could only speak to this when he
was okay and calm. I opened the car and found
myself sighing softly before I stepped in, his
scent exciting my heart immediately. He always
looked way too matured for me, more especially
when he was in his uniform. He removed his
eyes from his phone and looked at me, blankly.
"Hey"
Mihle: "Uright? (Are you okay?)"
I nodded and kept my eyes on him. He bit the
inside of his cheek still looking at me before he
sighed and leaned backwards, putting his head
on the gear. He adjusted his seat, pulled it
closer to the steering wheel and turned the key
on the ignition
Me: "Siyaphi? (Where we going?)"
Mihle: "Somewhere"
I stopped myself asking him where because I
sensed his response would be more off detail
than the first. We drove about fifteen minutes or
less before he came to a stop at some open
field, a ground that would be used for a park or
some child spot in other towns. He turned off
his car and turned to look at me
"Sizothetha njengabantu abanengqondo (We'll
talk like people who got brains). Like grown
ups."
Ndathula ngoba ndandingenanto yothetha (I
kept quiet because I didn't have anything to say)
Mihle: "Mambhele?"
Me: "Mihle."
Mihle: "I'm trying to keep calm only because I
want to know (pause) what it is you want from
Andrew."
Me: "There's nothi..."
Mihle: "Ungaxoki (Don't you lie)"
I stopped talking, this is why it was never easy
talking to this man, he always forced people to
say what he expected from them not what was
the real truth. With his eyebrows furrowed at
me I could tell he was getting irritated. I sighed
and tried again
"Akhonto endiyifuna kuAndrew (There's nothing
I want from Andrew)"
He narrowed his eyes at me, for a while, prior to
breaking the silence
Mihle: "Then why do you keep going back to
him?"
Me: "What?"
Mihle: "Aphindiwe mayingab'ngathi ndithetha
ngento ungayaziyo (Aphindiwe don't let it seem
like I'm talking about something you have no
clueless about). I did tell you polite to stop
talking to Drew, wathi you did, then I presume
you started again right?"
Me: "No"
Mihle: "Then what the fuck was that in the
club?!"
Me: "Sushoutisa (Don't shout)"
He closed his eyes and rubbed them using his
thumb and index finger. He wasn't giving me a
chance to talk, maybe if he did he'd understand
Me: "Could you give me a chance ndithethe"
He clenched his jaws a couple of times before
opening his eyes and looking at me straight in
the eyes, giving me more than the attention I
wanted
"I wasn't on talking terms noAndrew but he
happened to come kula club after being called
by Luthando. Then that's how I got to talk to
him again. I didn't have his contacts on my
phone."
Mihle: "So beningekho on talking terms simply
because you didn't have his contacts on your
phone"
Me: "No""
Mihle: "Seems like it kum. Because if nyani
beningekho (honestly y'all weren't) on talking
terms, you wouldn't have uttered a word kuye in
that club"
Me: "Haibo Mihle."
Mihle: "Or is he that important? Lento caba
ungam'tswebela even when I had told you to cut
ties with him"
Me: "No"
"Then what is it you want from him?"
Me: "Akhonto"
Mihle: "Aphindiwe?"
Me: "There's nothing nje"
He leaned forward causing me to move
backwards, he was losing his cool and that
wasn't the type of environment I wanted to be in
Mihle: "Or maybe I should change this question
then you'll give me le mpendulo ndiyifunayo (the
answer I want). What were you doing noAndrew
phandle (outside)?"
Me: "Talking."
Mihle: "You're lying."
I looked at him, he was reading my face, taking
in whatever he noticed when I was telling the
truth or lying
Mihle: "Ubusenzani noAndrew phandle? (What
were you doing with Andrew outside?"
I decided to give him what he wanted to hear,
tell him the truth
Me: "We kissed."
For a second he seemed like he wasnt
breathing, he froze and looked at me, a chuckle
came from him after a few seconds. He kept a
straight, angry face but still managed to bring a
cheerful chuckle. I watched how he moved back,
biting on his lower lip, he stared into space,
leaning against the steering wheel before he
spoke in a low tone
"Wayiva lento ubufuna uyiva? (And felt what you
wanted to feel?)"
He wouldn't stop clenching his jaws, that was a
sign that he was trying not to break into anger
and tears maybe, he turned and looked at me,
looking worse than what he looked when he
was chuckling
Mihle: "Wayithanda? (And loved it?)"
I looked at my hands, trying to play with my
nails to get distracted from this
Mihle: "Ndiyathetha Aphindiwe? (I'm talking
Aphindiwe"
Me: "Hayi, akhange ndiyithande (No I didn't love
it.)"
Thinking that's what he wanted to hear and
hoping he'd get rid of that look he had on his
face before I looked at my hands, I flinched
when I felt his hand on my face, covering my
chin and holding me on either side of my
cheeks. He turned my face and made me face
him, his fingers digging on my jaws, hurting
both my skin and jaws
"Look at me when I'm talking to you."
I was eager to shout "you are hurting me" but
couldn't move a muscle on my face from the
way he was holding me. I nodded, agreeing to
look at him when he talks and that's when he
released my face, making me hiss from pain. I
cupped my face and looked at my thighs, I was
trying to stop myself from crying but it seemed
like I was failing, something beyond this was
breaking my heart
Mihle: "You're allowing other man to touch you.
To lean and rub on you. You're breaking us
Aphindiwe."
Me: "And you? How am I the one breaking us?"
His brows remained furrowed but he looked a
little surprised I was asking that
Me: "How many other girls are you fucking
besides Pearl?"
His face went from being creased with anger to
being taken by shock
Mihle: "This has got nothing to do noPearl"
Me: "It has everything."
He leaned back on his seat, chuckling
"You're talking to me about men rubbing on me
when you're inserting your dick in other girls
then come home acting like you're exhausted.
Not wanting to touch me, then blame it on the
rape."
Mihle: "Akangeni ndawo uPearl kulento
uyithethayo (Pearl gets involved nowhere in
what you're saying)"
I knew I was changing the subject but I refused
to get blamed for just kissing one man when he
was busy having sex with Pearl. I was
convinced he was sleeping with her
Me: "Uyangena Mihle. Uyangena! And instead of
saying sorry, you're defending her."
He narrowed his eyes at me, looking something
between confused and angry
Mihle: "So ufuna ndixolise for her calling me?
(SO you want me to apologize for her calling
me?)"
Me: "You have another girl call you baby but the
whole world has to stop when you see me with
Andrew."
Mihle: "You have no fucken clue what's
happening between Pearl and mys..."
"But I do know she calls you baby, that I know!"
He was about to say something but I stopped
him
Me: "I don't know why you're allowed to fuss but
you have a girl contact you first thing in the
morning, egqibo vuka (right after waking up). I
wasn't born yesterday Mihle."
Mihle: "And why are you only raising this now?"
Me: "Because you lied"
He looked away and ran his hand down his face.
It was clear I was talking the truth, even though
I actually hoped I wasn't. A part of me was
hoping he'd correct me and tell me I was wrong
Mihle: "That was before you came into the
picture"
Me: "Then why did she contact you?"
"Because bendikhe ndayombona, when our
relationship was fresh."
Me: "Why?"
He finally faced me, staring at me straight into
the eyes before giving me the answer to my
question
Mihle: "Ngoba ndandingekho sure ngawe
(Because I wasn't sure about you)"
I averted my eyes to the gear and tried taking in
what he was telling me. My heart was telling me
to go soft and believe him but my gut was
telling me otherwise. I went with my heart
nonetheless. He took my face by the chin and
placed his forehead on mine
"I'm only this hard on you because I love you
Aphindiwe."
He moved back but not letting my chin go
Mihle: "Ndiyay'caphukela lento uyenzileyo. And I
hope it won't happen again. Xa ndithe kuwe
ndicela uhlukane noAndrew I mean hlukana
noAndrew (I hate what you did. And I hope it
won't happen again. When I ask you to stay
away from Andrew I mean stay away from
Andrew."
Even though my mood wasn't allowing me yet, I
smiled
"Or I'll have to divert your calls."
When I pulled a look he chucked, his face going
from the a small smile to that 'I want to kiss you
right now' look. Because we haven't been sexual
intimate for some time now I didn't think he was
going to kiss me but when he touched my lower
lip with his thumb and looked at my lips, licking
his, I knew he was going to. He leaned in and
hovered his lips over mine, his hand making
way to my thigh. He slowly ran his tongue on
my lips and pulled back when I was about to
kiss him back
"I'm not letting go of you, but you'll have to
behave Phindi. Or else I will have to get rid of
everybody you get involved with."
I opened my eyes and looked at him, he was
smiling at me. I didn't get to say what I wanted
to say because he crashed his lips on mine,
causing me to move up on my seat. His kiss
was reminding my body how much it actually
missed it, how I have been longing for these lips
which never failed to make me moist.
He groan softly when I traced his manhood
through his pants, digging his fingers deep on
my thigh through the fabric of my dress. I
continued kissing him while unzipping his pants,
I inserted my hand through his zip but struggled
to move it around so I removed it, unbuckling
his belt. He pulled back and moved his chair
backwards before he returned to me, trying to
pick me up
Me: "Can I?"
"Huh?"
He was wearing a seductive smile on his face,
teasing me. He knew what I was talking about
but he wanted me to say it, so I grew the balls
and said it
Me: "Can I suck you first?"
The look he gave me was the kind that would
make me want to research cow prices and
lobola negotiations. I unbuttoned his pants and
pulled out the king, when I touched the tip of his
manhood he groaned a little louder this time. I
lowered my head, fixing myself on the seat, just
when I was about to take him in, he placed his
hand on my forehead bringing my head up.
Mihle: "Awuzokwazi Nhanha (You can't
Nhanha)"
Me: "Ngoba? (Why not?)"
He shook his head looking like he just saved me
from something really serious
"Are you okay? Ubungayifuni kanti? (Didn't you
want it though?)"
Mihle: "I do but not ngokh Nhanha."
He leaned in and kissed me, trying to relax
himself. I was still puzzled, completely lost but
accepted that kiss anyway. He had to tell me
what all that was about.
155th Entry

Sivuyisiwe
The first week of July I was busy making calls,
arrangements and bookings for Nomthandazo's
surprise baby shower. Her best friend, myself
and a couple of other friends had a whatsapp
group where we shared ideas and suggestion
on how we'd run this baby shower. She was six
months pregnant, only three months away to
giving birth to my nephew. We all decided on
the date of the 7th of August, the combination
of her birthday and baby shower.
My plans were a handful because while busy
with work, I was also weighing some options
and checking places which would be suitable
for this combination surprise. Our home wasn't
an option, the only parties that were hosted in
our yard were my parents' and those being mini
gatherings for family and numbered friends. By
the end of the week I had managed to get a
restaurant which would be suitable for any
pregnant woman. We decided to have all three
courses because we didn't know which she
loved the most due to pregnancy cravings. The
only biggest challenge was booking a venue
which was fit for our budget, we didn't want
anything big but just a place to get our day
through and have fun with my sister before she
became a mother.

In the middle of the third week I was still

struggling to find a place so Busi, Nomtha's
best friend, agreed on lending us her space just
for that day. My only priority then was sending
out invitations to people I presumed and knew
my sister would want around. Out of the seven
invitation emails I sent to my aunt's in George,
babebathathu (there were three)who promised
to come, bringing along their daughters,
Chwaita and Siyasanga. What I did not want
was having Nomtha throw out people whom I
have invited because she didn't want them
there, that was the hardest part because I
couldn't talk to her about this. This challenge I
faced more especially when I had to contact
Phindi and Nosipho, both being the women that
tried challenging her with Mihle. I knew her and
Nosi had put their differences aside and tried
working things through but knowing my sister, I
was aware it was all pretence. As for Phindi she
was family, and Azola insisted I sent her an
email which I eventually did before making a
call to inform her. Unfortunately, I didn't get
through but left her an sms asking her to check
her emails. The only thing that was left on my
checklist for that day was the mini deco and my
outfit.

Aphindiwe
I turned over, pulling my duvet cover over my
head when someone opened the curtains of my
room. Yes, on a bloody Saturday, I was in my
room, at the school residence with nothing to
do only because Mihle had gone to Pretoria for
some conference they had with other forces,
and my friends were out and about doing God
knows what. I refused going out with them
because I was busy studying for a
supplementary, for two modules. When I
received feedback on my results, I wasn't quite
shocked by the outcome, judging from the
amount of time I spent on my books and what I
was going through during that time, I expected
worse. I pulled through at least seven modules,
obtaining a DP for those but failed three, two
with a sup, one decimal. So here I was in my
room taking a break from studying and dying
from hunger only because I was damn lazy to
drag myself to the nearest shopping complex.
When my roommate opened the curtains I was
already awake but preferred being in the dark
than tolerating the light which pierced painfully
through my eyes. Oh something I never shared
with you, I had a new roommate, a talkative and
more live girl by the name Anothando, we had
about a month together and compared to my
stay with my previous horrific roommate, this
was worth it.
"Khavuke babes. (Just wake up babes)"
Me: "Ngoku ndigqibolala (When I recently just
started sleeping)"
Anothando: "You do know it's my second time
walking in here right. And uyaphosa (You're
lying)"
I turned over, uncovering my face. She was
sitting on her bed, busy typing on her phone.
She looked up at me and smile, throwing me a
blue fizzer
Me: "Enkosi."
I unwrapped it, sitting on my butt, switching on
my cell phone
Me: "Usukaphi? (Where you coming from?)"
Anothando: "First floor"
I nodded, concentrating on my phone which just
vibrated, alerting me of message notifications.
One from Mihle telling me about calling me later
because he can't hold of me now, one from
Vodacom informing me that I missed calls from
Mihle and Asanda, then one from Vhuvhu. I
wasn't going to open any of these texts but
rather text Asa on whatsapp but the last one
received my attention so I viewed it and read
"Ntombi been trying to call you. Please open
your e-mail and get back to me on whatsapp."
My curiosity on how she got my email wasn't
my biggest concern because I knew she might
have received it from Azola maybe, but what the
email read was. I opened my Gmail, sync it and
waited for my latest emails to pop on my
screen. I opened hers when it finally appeared,
read it's content before I found myself staring
at the screen of my phone, not being able to
figure out how I really felt about this email.
Me: "Ano"
Anothando: "Babes"
Me: "If you were invited kwi baby shower ye
sister yakho ongatshay'sani nayo ncam,
ubunoya? (If you were invited to a baby shower
of your sister whom you don't get along quite
well with, would you go?)"
Anothando: "Ingaxhomekeka uba senzanani (it
would depend on what we did to each other)."
I went back to looking at my phone before I
sighed lowly. The way this text appeared to me,
it seemed like Sivuyisiwe was the one who
wanted me to attend the baby shower but I
doubt Nomtha shared the mutual feeling. You
might say guilt was getting the best of me, it
always did, especially when the child topic
came along. I slid back into bed and went on
whatsapp, texting Asa as well as viewing the
car selfies Loot had sent me. I was still texting
Asa when my phone rang, Fhaku appearing on
my screen...
"Hello."
Mihle: "Baby"
Me: "Hey"
Mihle: "Linjani iBhelekazi lam? (How's my
Bhelekazi doing?)"
Me: "Okay, dikwe zincwadi nje qha. Wena?
(Okay, just bored by these books. Yourself?)"
Mihle: "Mentally exhausted. Gqibo fika in my
hotel room, ndifuna ulala (I just arrived in my
hotel room, I want to sleep)"
Me: "The week has been a drag without you
ndikuxelele"
Mihle: "(chuckles) sutefa yhini. It's just been a
couple of days."
Me: "A week
"I left Tuesday baby."
Me: "You sound like awundikhumbuli (you don't
miss me)"
Mihle: "Not miss then one I wish I was looking
at ngoku?"
I found myself blushing, hiding my face with the
pillow
Mihle: "How's your week been?"
Me: "It's been okay. Uhm yazi I received a text
from Sivuyisiwe"
Mihle: "Ithini? (Wha does it say?)"
Me: "It's an invitation kwi baby shower ka
Nomtha."
He kept quiet for a while before I heard him turn
over
"And?"
Me: "Andazi Noba ndiye nah (I don't know
whether to go or not)"
Mihle: "Uzothi awuyi ngoba kutheni? (You'll say
you're not going because of what reason?)"
Me: "Maybe Nomtha doesn't want me there,
andazi (I don't know)"
Mihle: "Attend it."
Me: "But..."
"The fact that Sivu sent you an invitation means
something. Don't give them many more reasons
to talk."
He cut me off saying that. He was making
sense but I felt like he didn't understand
because he wasn't the one sleeping with his
sister's ex boyfriend
Me: "Okay."
Mihle: "Ugqibile ufunda? (Are you done
studying?)"
Me: "I was still on a break"
Our conversation cntinuted for another 49
minutes before he told me to get back to my
books and he'd take the rest his mind needed.
After the call I tried studying but was distracted
by a lot: my roommate watching a series on her
laptop, my mind being on this baby shower
thing and how my gut was telling me my man
was cheating. I'll fill you on the rest a little later,
let me tell you why I thought Mihle was cheating.
Our relationship was on good progress, we
managed to find a way to bringing us back to
being the item we were but my only worry were
the things he was hiding from me. The previous
week I was waking up at his place and have him
drop me off at campus nje ngesiqhelo (like
usual). I had a problem though and he knew it
ephaya kula shit yePitoli (there at that shitty
Pretoria) that I still wanted to know what the
pills I found in his drawers were for. I don't
recall ever seeing those and all of a sudden
after our little misunderstanding on that whole
Andrew thing, and not being at his place for
about five to six days I come back to him taking
prescription of an infection. This wasn't
something he ever addressed to me, and
because of this "infection" which he didn't want
to talk to me about yet he hasn't had himself in
me, the only thing we've done ever since we
fixed our problems was oral sex. I understand
that he managed to satisfy me using his tongue
and fingers but I wanted him inside of me, that's
what I missed. Since this wasn't a matter to
discuss over phone I had told him we'd talk
about when he returned, we couldn't ignore it
forever. A part of me knew it must have been
from another female but I was hoping he'd tell
me otherwise. I knew hearing him say it would
make me more angry and I wasn't ready for that,
not while we were still mending the crack I
caused apparently.

I found myself texting Sivuyisiwe that night,

approving the invitation and asking about things
which were already mentioned on the invitation,
things like the attire of the day and what we had
to bring. I had little knowledge about kids,
wasn't in good terms with the mother of the
child so I failed to come up with something
she'd like from me. I doubted she'd even want
her little boy to wear anything I bought. I laid on
my bed chatting to the father of the child who
was giving me ideas on what to buy, in fact he
told me he'd buy the gift, write the card and
have me take it there because that was the only
way Nomtha would accept anything I brought.
Before I called it a night, we had a quick phone
call saying our goodnight, I couldn't wait for
tomorrow when he'd tell me he has landed. The
following morning I was woken up by a terrible
headache, my mother always said it was from
sleeping until the Sun was up. I reached under
my pillow for my phone and unlocked it, I was
surprised to see that it was indeed close to
noon. How on earth did I manage to sleep that
long? 11:09 was the time that appeared on the
screen of my phone.
I turned over and faced the other side, Ano's
bed was already made up and she was not
around, probably gone to church because I've
learnt the past week that she actually was a full
member of her church back in East London so
she couldn't lose the attendance just because
she was far from home. I turned over and
looked at the wardrobe which seemed a little
too far all of a sudden, I dragged myself up
walking to the fridge first where I took out a
bottle of water then opened the wardrobe for
my handbag which contained my grandpa's. I
pulled out one before throwing them back into
the back, placed it next to my bed before sitting
and downing those two. I tucked myself in
between my sheets once more, unlocking my
phone to check on Facebook. I had to
deactivate my account, my Facebook no longer
excited me, it was Twitter and Instagram which
I still had pleasant moments with. I was typing
away on whatsapp when My David popped up
on my screen, that caller ID never failed to make
me smile
Me: "Tata"
Tata: "Nhanha."
Me: "Hello"
Tata: "Hello my baby. You good?"
I rolled my eyes, not wiping the smile off my
face. I could never get used to communicating
in English with my father even though I knew it
was what he spoke half of the time. Liyaphapha
elixhego (this old man is too forward)
"Yes I'm good thanks dad. How about yourself?"
Tata: "Prefect. Kutheni ingathi usalele nje? (Why
does it sound like you're sleeping? )"
Me: "Hayi. I'm up but in bed. Res iyadika on
weekends"
Tata: "Then go kwaVus..."
Me: "No I'm okay here at school"
I could picture his face when he sighed. He
knew I wasn't much fond of his family and it
bothered him to be honest, now to send me off
to Belville on weekends would be the worst
mistake.
Tata: "When are you visiting home?"
I was about to answer that when I heard a
female voice on the background, calling my
father by his name and mentioning something
about breakfast.
Me: "Is that a woman?"
Tata: "No it's a man"
Me: "I'm being serious Tata."
He groaned, making some movements before
he questioned
"How much do you have left in your bank
account?"
I kept quiet. I couldn't believe he was sleeping
with other women in the same bed he shared
nomama.
Tata: "Aphindiwe esona sizathu bendikufounela
sona was to ask about your monthly allowance,
andiyazi le rubbish inukayo undibuza yona
(Aphindiwe the only reason I called was to ask
about your monthly allowance, I don't know this
rubbish you're questioning me about.)"
Me: "I was just askin..."
Tata: "How much do you have left in your
account?"
Me: "Andazi (I don't know)"
Tata: "Good."
He hung up. I knew he wasn't going to send the
money until I called him back and apologized
then told him how much it was I needed, but I
couldn't do that now. How was he sleeping with
a mother woman kwi bhedi ka mama (on my
mother's bed)? My heart literally broke and I
tried to reason with myself but I couldn't find
any valid reason on why he'd do that. I kept on
telling myself that maybe he was by this
woman's house instead but knowing my father,
he wasn't the type to sleep around places
except for his house and hotels. It was sad how
I went from being highly excited to talking to
him, to being hurt like I was. I pulled the covers
over my head remembering my mother, if this
God people praised hadn't took her then my
father wouldn't be having other woman prepare
him breakfast. My phone rang, disturbing my
thoughts
"Mihle."
Mihle: "Yoh. Unomsindo wantoni nah bhabha?
(What's the anger for bhabha?)"
Me: "Sorry. Ndicatshukiswa ngutata (My dad
has gotten me angry)"
Mihle: "Wenzeni utatazala? (What did my father
inlaw do?)"
Me: "Don't want to talk about it"
Mihle: "Yiberight kaloku baby. I'm departing in
about ten minutes"
Me: "Okay"
Mihle: "So bath because ufika Kwam ndizoqala
apho kuwe then we'll head for lunch. I'll drop my
clothes off later."
Me: "Am I sleeping over?"
"Ufuna uthini wena Mambhele? (What do you
want to do Mambhele?)"
Me: "I miss you."
Mihle: "(chuckles) packisha (pack). I'll see you
in a few hours"
Me: "Bye."
I ended the call and continued with the rest. To
stop myself from thinking about my father I
thought through my outfit for today. I always
wanted to look good, more especially the first
few months when I met this guy but currently I
did not see the fuss, especially on my make up,
he preferred me without it anyway. I woke up
after thirty minutes or so, took my time fixing
my bed and packing some clothes for
approximately two weeks. When I made my way
to the shower I had already picked out an outfit-
black leggings, a white baggy shirt and the
black Palladium boots.
I returned from the shower, applied some body
lotion before I wrapped my hour glass body in a
gown and laid out my books on the bed. I
attempted studying but kept on losing
concentration every now and then, more
focused on the news Asanda was feeding me
more than I was on my books. I hadn't taken
note of the time until my phone rang, Mihle's
clan appearing on the screen. Prior to
answering it, I checked out the time and almost
fell from shock when I saw it was exactly ten
minutes to three...
"Fhaku."
Mihle: "I'm outside. Phuma (come out)"
Me: "Outside?"
I was thinking he'd say leaving the airport
maybe
Mihle: "Don't tell me awukho ready."
Me: "Ndiyanxiba (I'm dressing)"
Mihle: "I'm coming "
Me: "Phi? (Where?)"
Mihle: "Ndithe ndiphi kanti? (Where did I say I
was?)"
Me: "Hayi kaloku you can't just invite yourself
over"
Mihle: "Uhlala kweyiphi ifloor? (Which floor do
you stay in?)"
Trust my man for ignoring you. He had to go
through security and without me I doubt they'd
let him in, if he was my visitor and I had a
student card then it would be a little easier but
without me, he wasn't going to make it through
that gate
"Forth floor."
Mihle: "Sure"
I still had my phone on my ear when he hung up,
greeting the security guard at the background. I
stood up and removed my night gown, wore my
shirt before I stood in front of the mirror to
apply some mascara and lipstick. What I
expected from Mihle was for him to call me and
tell me he was waiting outside for me because
they refused to let him in but when he called
telling me he was at the forth floor which door
must he approach, I actually found myself
walking to the door to peep and see if he wasn't
prancing me. Immediately when I looked out he
began walking towards the door which I left
slightly open, returning to the mirror. He
stepped in, his cologne feeling the room
instantly, he closed by the door and leaned on it
"Molo nawe Bhuti Fhaku (Hello to you too
brother Fhaku)"
Mihle: "Ingxaki uyazazi umoshile. Kutheni ube
awukanxibi? (That's because you know you've
messed up. Why aren't you dressed yet?)"
He was asking me this question while he took
cautious steps towards me, I was about to
answer him but got distracted when he took my
earlope in between his teeth, his hands rubbing
each side of my thighs.
Mihle: "Then I arrive to you half naked."
Me: "Xolo (I'm sorry)"
He was whispering so I too responded in the
same tone. He looked at me in the mirror, giving
me a straight yet calm look before he cupped
my left breast, his other hand making way
between my thighs from the back. I couldn't
help but close my eyes, laying my head on his
chest. He removed his hand from my chest and
brought it up to my neck, while the other was
rubbing the fabric of my lace panties
"Phindi?"
The way he called my name when turned on
made me want to keep him this way
Me: "Huh?"
Mihle: "Ndijonge (Look at me)"
At the back of my mind I knew he was about to
do something which would make it impossible
for me to keep my eyes open, but he always
wanted to watch me when he either penetrated
or finger fucked me. I opened my eyes and
looked at him, on that mirror. The combination
of him looking like a Greek God and an
aggressive animal hungry for its prey whenever
he was turned on made want to capture that
look because it was beautiful, it spoke a million
words.
Mihle: "Keep your eyes on me."
I felt him slowly move my panties to the side,
absentmindedly I stood on my tippy toes,
opening my legs a little wider for him. His larynx
moved, indicating that he just swallowed while
his eyes were concentrating on mine. I bit my
lower lip when his middle finger made contact
with my womanhood, grabbing the hand on my
throat when he pushed the finger in. If standing
on my pinky describes best how good my
hormones were working then you've got the
picture. He pushed it further enducing me to
attempt turning around but he kept me firm on
that spot and inserted the second finger instead.
I held the wrist of the hand that was in between
my thighs and pushed it in deeper, he chuckled
lowly against my neck where he has been
sucking me. He pulled out his fingers the exact
same time he stopped sucking on me skin, I
was still trying to compose myself. When I
opened my eyes and looked at him, he was
watching me, his eyes narrowed and his bottom
lip between his teeth. I looked away blushing, he
turned me around and cupped my face
"And you wanted to give this to Andrew."
I shook my head, unable to respond. He placed
a kiss on my lips and right when he was about
to pull back I placed my arms around his neck,
taking his lower lip between mine. He did
exactly what I was hoping he'd do, picked me up
and kissed me like I wanted to be kissed. I
stopped kissing him when he intentionally bit
my lip
"We have a place for this."
Me: "I just missed you."
Mihle: "You'll show me all that when we home."
I allowed him to place me down so I could
continue with what I was doing. He stood
behind me and watched me carefully before he
spanked my ass, walking towards the small
kitchen.
Mihle: "Akho maphela apha? (Aren't there any
cockroaches here?)"
Me: "I have seen a couple but awekho manintsi
(they aren't much)"
The door of our room opened while I was on the
bed, tying my shoelaces. Anothando removed
her earphones and looked at me, throwing her
slag bag on the bed
"Mmmh kunuka indoda ke apha. (It smells of a
man here)"
Me: "(giggles) Haisoka."
Anothando: "Heee yesisi wazulisa ndikubuz...
(Hey girl you're ignoring this while I'm askin...)"
She stopped talking and I didn't have to ask why.
I found myself looking at her before I averted
my eyes to Mihle who was standing against the
door frame at the kitchen entrance. He was
looking at her, trying not to smile
Mihle: "Qhubuke sisi (carry on lady), let me not
stop you."
Anothando: "No, it's nothing serious wethu.
Bendisithi kunuka indoda (I was just saying the
room smells of a man)"
Mihle: "Inuka njani indoda? (How does a man
smell?)"
Anothando: "Like you I guess"
Mihle: "Ndinuka njani mna? (And how do I
smell?)"
She raised her eyebrows looking at me, I raised
my hands in the surrender gesture, I wasn't
about to part take in their conversation
"Hayi babes lobhuti (no friend this guy)"
Me: "(giggles) hayi hayi sundifaka (don't include
me)"
She looked at Mihle then back at me. I was
smiling, honestly taken back by the reaction she
was giving, she wasn't your shy type of girl now
this surprised me, or it was me she was trying
to respect. I grabbed my handbag and looked at
Mihle, he was staring between his phone and
Ano.
"Asiyigqibanga mos le conversation (We not
done with this conversation). I am a husband to
losisi, so you'll see me often. Next time I come
here I want to know uba ndinuka njani (how I
smell)."
She nodded, trying to contain her smile
Me: "Ano, andizazi ndizobuya nini (I don't know
when I'll be back) but we'll probably see each
other on campus."
Anothanda: "Sure ke love."
Mihle grabbed my bag and stepped out, with
myself walking behind him. As we descended
the staircase I found myself thinking about how
intimidated people felt during his presence, it
was funny because I once felt the same way. I
too felt like I would never be able to utter a word
when he had his eyes on me until I became
close to him and now I wanted no other female
near him. At least I was still behaving but I was
at the edge of asking him to stop making
women feel too comfortable.
Entry 156
For those who had requested it

Aphindiwe

What moved my heart was how every time I

opened my eyes he was looking at me, giving
me a look no one other guy I've been with has
ever given me. I was drawing some circles with
my nail on his wet chest now, he was quiet, only
staring at me. I was touching his abs, his chest
and waist trying to think what it was that was
going through his mind. He finally moved his
hand and touched my forehead, tracing that
small stretch I had on my forehead from the
time I was bumped by a car and almost lost my
life
"I want to take you home."
I looked up at him, about to pardon what he
said.
Mihle: A friend of mine from eBhayi iyatshata
(Port Elizabeth is getting married) (long pause)
and I want to take you there
Me: Ndiyoyika (I'm scared)
Mihle: Woyika ntoni? (What are you scared
off?)<br>
Me: Your mother
He chuckled, averting his eyes to my lips. I felt
chills on my spine when he licked his, still
looking at mine. I don't understand why I was
always horny for this, one simple touch and my
body was asking for him. He looked at me again
while placing his hand on my thigh, rubbing on it.
Mihle: You'll get used to her
I had my eyes closed, concentrating on the way
my body was reacting every time Mihle's hand
was close to my goody-good.
Me: I won't
He didn't respond so I opened my eyes to look
at me, he was looking at my legs, his hand now
drawing circles towards my inner thigh. I closed
my eyes and moved my left leg to the top of his
hip bone. When his hand made contact with my
top of my private part I felt my hair stand,
goosebumps filling my arms. He slowly opened
my private part, touching my clit, which he
rubbed using his thumb that was before he slid
that thumb to my hole and pushed it in. I moved,
opening my legs wider to give him more access,
he pushed it deeper before he pulled it and ran
it up and down my private place. He kept on
applying pressure on my clit and gently rubbing
my pussy lips. He was using his middle and
index finger to pleasure my clit, and the feeling
of being touched by someone you loved,
someone who could pleasure you in any way,
overwhelmed me. He found my hole again and
pushed in two fingers, this was when I grabbed
hold of his arm, bringing him closer. With my
baby still swollen from all the pressure he had
just given me, his fingers felt like heaven and
they were the reason I was going to beg him for
another round. I was close enough to place my
forehead on his chest and I did, while my leg
was somewhere close to his ribcage now, that's
how much I was enjoying what he was doing.
He finger fucked me to an extent that I become
wet enough that there were wet sounds every
time he pulled his fingers in and out of me. He
stopped but kept his fingers in me, his chest
was racing but you couldn't hear his breathing
"Phindi?"
I heard him call me but I wanted him to say my
name again, with that bedroom voice he used
which I last heard two months back
Mihle: Nhanha
Me: Huh?
Mihle: Jika (turn
As horny as I were, I looked up at him. He had
his bottom lip between his teeth, his eyes
glowing
Me: Mhuh?
Mihle: Turn around
I attempted turning, thinking he wanted me to
face him with my back side but he stopped me
"I want your legs here."
He pointed his shoulders before finishing the
sentence
Mihle: And your head that side
He wanted me legs on his shoulders and
my.head where my feet were. So in other words,
he wanted me ass on his face. He finally pulled
out fingers when I began turning, he was
watching me find the best way to lay that I'd be
comfortable in. I laid on my side, looking the
other way and had my ass on his face like he
asked, he pulled me by my legs and brought one
leg under his face while the other he placed on
his neck. I stuck out my ass when I felt him use
his fingers to open my baby, and the first thing
he did was circle my opening with his tongue. I
moved down until I was satisfied he was close
enough when I felt his beard against my
womanhood. He started licking, just licking me
from my opening to my clit and continued doing
this for a while, meanwhile his thumb was
playing with my anus, but he wasn't pushing it in.
He sucked on my clit long enough to have me
shake a complain of times, bringing the
excitement to my body, the butterflies and the
feeling we ladies experienced like you were
about to come. The time he was sucking the
living hell out of my womanhood, I had my hand
on his head. If there were a place where he
could enter, his head would probably be inside
me now. He moved his tongue to my opening
and circled around it, I could feel him gently
pushing his thumb in my anus and I tried not to
panic. He stopped when the tip of his thumb
was in then concentrated on my vagina where
he stuck the tip of his tongue as well.
Absentmindedly, I removed my leg on his neck
and placed it on his shoulder, moving down so
he could push it in already which he did. If you
know what it feels like being tongue fucked
then you'll know the sounds it makes, the
sounds I was probably making and the way my
body was probably reacting. He wanted to
distract me with this because it was after a
while I felt that his thumb was already in my
anus adding to the pleasure he was already
giving me. Five minutes is a underestimate to
describe the minutes he stayed there until I felt I
was close, maybe close to twelve, with his
tongue in me, doing what his fingers were
supposed to do. I felt my clit resounding to the
sensation and I knew I was going to squirt so I
placed my hand on my clit because I didn't want
him to stop yet but when I felt that wasn't
helping I moved away, but he followed,
removing my hand and applied pressure on my
clit using his thumb. My legs were shaking, my
toes curled and my eyeballs had rolled to the
back of my eyes. I felt my ass leave the
mattress as I tried breaking contact with him
because I could feel I was close. I attempted
closing my legs but he went deeper, playing
with his tongue inside of me. I sprung and sat
up, closing my legs so he couldn't get through
to my private part, my legs were still shaking as
I laid on the bed again trying to hold myself
from the mess I was about to do. He was
brushing the side of my thigh and placing wet
kisses on my leg with his thumb still in my anus.
He turned me around, laying me on my stomach
before he pulled out his thumb and rubbed the
side of my waist. He laid on me, his heart
beating hard against my back
"I hate it when you do that."
I kept quiet, still allowing my body to take in the
pleasure it was feeling. Since he was laying
diagonally on my back, he had his face opposite
mine, looking at me. He ran his thumb on my
nose prior to touching my lips which I liked right
after he touched them. I finally opened my eyes
and looked at him, he was drawing circles on
my arm with his eyes closed, his long eyelashes
perfectly fitted together
Me: What do you hate?
He snapped his eyes open and looked into mine
Mihle: Lento yakho (This thing) of stopping me
whenever you're about to climax. It makes me
feel like andiwugqibanga umsebenzi wam (I
haven't finished my job)
Me: But I was going to mess the bed
Mihle: And we were going to change it. Wash
the blanket
Me: Sihlale sine washing yengubo (always have
dirty laundry of blankets)
Mihle: It's worth it.
I found myself smiling. He moved closer and
placed a kiss on my forehead ahead of moving
off my back and jumping off the bed. I was
turning when he was dragging his sleepers
towards the door
Me: Uyaphi? (Where you going?)
Mihle: Toilet then kitchen
He stood at the door naked and looked at me
while his hand was touching his manhood so I
lost focus and gazed at his private part. He
gave a half-suppressed laugh ahead of
speaking in that husky voice
"Ufuna undithuma? (Do you want to send me
something?)"
I shook my head, looking up at him. He turned
around, leaving the bedroom. I laid on the bed,
having flashbacks on the pleasure I was just
given, and every time I pictured him ontop of me
butterflies tickled the lower part of my tummy.
His sex game was insanely beautiful, he felt like
a King when he got me naked, all he required
was just for me to relax and give my body to
him. He was the type to have a girl fall for him
even when they've laid ground rules that it was
no strings attached, at least I knew I would have.
He returned holding a glass, a mixed berries
flavoured Liquo fruit juice along with Thai sweet
chilli flavoured lays. He threw the chips on the
bed and stood at the hairdresser poring himself
a glass of juice. While looking at him my mind
took me back to that Bianca, a part of me felt
like I had heard the name before and not from
our conversation, I honestly wanted to let it go
but it was bugging me that he had sex with her,
he actually gave a piece of himself to her.
Me: Mihle
He turned and leaned on the hairdresser with
the glass still in his hand. I took in his figure in
front of me, I couldn't deny it he was beautiful
and I wouldn't be surprised if many people
questioned why he was with me. Judging from
Nomthandazo and myself, I heeded that he
didn't find too beautiful girls attractive, he
wanted his normal beautiful women, someone
of my kind. He was still looking at me, waiting
for me to address him
"Do I know uBianca?"
He gave me a calm reaction, it was funny how
he reacted to news that were suppose to make
him tense or frightened
Mihle: Kutheni uzobuza lonto? (Why you asking
that?)
Me: I feel like I've heard the name before.
He narrowed his eyes at me, probably trying to
take in my mood before he could answer me
Mihle: Uyamazi (You know her)
Me: From?
Mihle: The weekend we spent with Andrew and
the rest of the guys, in Cape town
Me: She's the coloured looking girl?
He nodded, walking towards the bed where he
sat and looked my way
Me: What's your relationship with her?
Mihle: We don't have a relationship
I raised my eyebrows at me because
wayengathi uyandibhanxa kaloku. He licked his
lips prior to speaking again
"She was a booty call, once upon a time. But
developed feelings and started catching an
attitude towards Nomthandazo, that's when I
cut her off."
Me: For Nomthandazo?
Mihle: That's who I was dating at that time
Me: So you feel it's okay xa ulala naye ngoku
unam (when you sleeping with her while you're
dating me)?
He clinched his jaws and stared straight into my
eyes, he looked like he was about to say
something that would probably break me
Mihle: I explained this to you
Me: It wasn't this question that I asked you
Mihle: If you maybe you weren't so insecure,
you'd know how I really feel about you
I looked at him, a little taken back by his
response. He broke eyes contact, moving off
the bed and towards the wardrobe where he
pulled out his white Markhams underwear,
which he wore standing there. He turned around
and glanced my way, I wanted to say something
but I just didn't know what. He tucked himself
under the sheets and muttered
"You'll switch off the lights when you're done."
Me: What's wrong with you?
This question got him to sit up, he chuckled a
couple of times and right before he spoke I
stopped him, speaking
Me: I ask you a simple question and you act like
I've declared war when you're the one who
cheated
Mihle: Aphindiwe, I told you what you needed to
hear. I don't know whether you expect me to lie
nah but we went through this. And ngoku into
oyenzayo uqala nje uchuku for no bloody
reason
Me: I just can't stomac...
Mihle: The thought of me fucking someone?
I looked at him, my stomach turned from just
hearing it, I was trying not to break
Mihle: I loathe when you make me angry nyani
because going through the same thing eight
times like we're in pre-school is a no no. I've
made a couple , I understand I hurt you but I
asked you to let me fix that. Aphindiwe if I
wanted any of these girls I would have been
with them now instead of you. I know I fucked
up, acted without thinking when I did what I did
with Bianca but that doesn't change the fact
that I love you. It would not."
Ndandisa bindeke yilanto ebeyithethile upfront
so I couldn't master a word at that time
Mihle: I need to be a better man for you Phindi
but it won't happen over night
He touched my shoulder and brought me close
to me, I allowed myself and rested my head on
his shoulder. He gently grabbed the back of my
neck and kissed the top of my head
"When I asked you to take a decision uba
ubenam I didn't say it would be easy. I don't
mean it's okay when I'm pleasuring other
women."
Me: Ndicela ungayibeki njalo (Please don't put it
that way)
He shifted on his butt and cupped my face with
his huge hands, his eye contact did me no good
when I was mad at him
Mihle: Ndijonge (Look at me)
He repeated himself before I looked at him
Mihle: Don't doubt me. Okay
I understand he was trying but my heart was
heavy from all this and the only way I could get
over it was if we spoke about it, I still wanted to
clear the air on the Pearl thing too. He placed
his soft lips on mine and pulled back
Mihle: We not going to sleep until you speak
There was silence for a while before I cleared
my throat preparing to talk
"Andiqumbanga (I'm not mad). Can we sleep
now?"
He chuckled
Mihle: Zama futhi (try again)
I looked at him, keeping a straight face, he was
smirking. Still seated, I removed one pillow from
my side of the bed and placed it next to his
knee then pulled the covers but he stopped me
when I began crawling to my bedside. He
encircled his arm around my waist and groaned
as he pulled me closer, I rolled my eyes
because it was clear he was exaggerating I
wasn't that heavy. He placed me ontop of his
leg, I sat there with my back touching his chest
"Convince me."
He said lowly, his voice sounding even more
husky.
Me: I'm fine.
He chuckled again, close to my ear this time. He
removed me from his lap, and just when I
thought he was going to remove the pillows off
the bed and sleep, he grabbed both my legs
causing me to lay on the bed, he took my feet
and brought them between his rib cage and
bicep. I began kicking when he started running
his fingers up and down my feet, tickling me. I
was laughing, kicking, trying to turn about a
million times so he would free my feet but he
held me right almost hurting my ankles. My
stomach was beginning to hurt so I gave in and
shouted
Me: I'm okay nyani, I'm fine!
In between my laughs. He looked over his
shoulder with a huge smile on his face
Mihle: Are you?
I nodded, trying to stop myself from laughing
because my stomach was killing me. He finally
freed my feet and stood up, pulling me towards
him so he stood between my legs. I was still
naked so I immediately took one hand and
covered my manhood that was now staring at
him, he placed both his arms under my waist
and picked me up from the bed, I encircled my
legs around his waist with my arms on his neck.
He placed a lousy kiss on my chin then walked
a couple of steps towards the wardrobe,
carrying me in his arms. He leaned against the
wardrobe and looked at me, I bent forward and
captured his lips in mine. He tongue kissed me
immediately, getting me excited for a couple of
seconds before he pulled back and gently
placed me on the floor. He grabbed my ass with
both hands and gave me one last kiss
Mihle: Get dressed, before that ass makes me
do something.
He stuck out his tongue on me then headed for
the door towards the bathroom. I opened the
wardrobe and pulled out my bag, took out my
pyjamas then pushed it back inside. It was
funny how every week I was here but I never
had the courage to empty my bag into one of
the shelves, or maybe that's because he had
clothes in all shelves, but even if there was an
empty one I would have probably waited for his
instruction. He walked back in, closed the door
and switched off the lights, the bedside lamps
bringing some light in the bedroom. He jumped
on his left side on the bed and took his phone
from next to the gym. It felt somehow awkward
every time he was on his phone because
whenever we were together we seemed to be
disconnected from the outside world, being the
reason for our emotional contact.
I opened the packet of Lays he had brought and
ingested half the packet while he was still on
his phone, I kept on glancing his way and took
in the look on his face every time he received a
new text. Subsequently to closing the packet
and placing it next to the lamp, I checked my
phone, looking at the time to be precise, it was
a couple of minutes after twelve. I placed my
phone under my pillow and turned over facing
this man who was still on his phone, pillow
supporting his back, head against the
headboard and the blanket was up until his
waist
Me: Goodnight
He turned and pouted his lips, I balanced on my
elbow, raising my body so I'd reach his lips. I
kissed and went back to being comfortable
Mihle: Goodnight Mambhele wam.
He turned off his lamp but remained on his
phone.

I was drown at a dark place but something that

was holding unto my jacket, every time I kept on
pulling back it seemed to be grabbing harder.
My conscious mind wasn't telling me to take off
my jacket but instead to keep on fighting to free
myself and run. I decided to turn so I could see
what it was that was holding him however when
I turned a small boy was standing in front of
him, bleeding from the heart and pressing his
small hands against his chest. I took a few
steps back, my eyes glued on the little boy who
was also staring at me with tears in his eyes.
While taking another step a white hand touched
my shoulder, I froze unable to turn
"Mcede mntanam. Mcede (Help him my child.
Help him)"
That voice, I knew that voice. I attempted
turning but felt like I was stiff and robot like.

Me: Mama!
I woke up from shook, shaking, sweating and
crying. Mihle walked into the bedroom holding a
shaving blade in his hands. He looked at the
terrified me before he took long steps towards
the bed. I was looking around the room, feeling
like the boy was still here with me somehow
Mihle: Baby?
He touched my forehead
Me: Fuck eliphupha (this dream)
Mihle: Thoba umsindo Mambhele (lower the
anger Mambhele), it was just a dream
My mother, her words and this boy. It
wasn&apos;t the first time I was having such a
dream even though they all seemed to be in
different places, and every time this boy
appeared in my dreams the places we were in
were becoming darker and scarier. I wasn't
much of a traditional person, I didn't believe in
dream interpretation but when a dream occured
more than once, then there surely must have
been a meaning to it.
157th Entry

Aphindiwe

What moved my heart was how every time I

opened my eyes he was looking at me, giving
me a look no one other guy I've been with has
ever given me. I was drawing some circles with
my nail on his wet chest now, he was quiet, only
staring at me. I was touching his abs, his chest
and waist trying to think what it was that was
going through his mind. He finally moved his
hand and touched my forehead, tracing that
small stretch I had on my forehead from the
time I was bumped by a car and almost lost my
life
"I want to take you home."
I looked up at him, about to pardon what he
said.
Mihle: "A friend of mine from eBhayi iyatshata
(Port Elizabeth is getting married) (long pause)
and I want to take you there."
Me: "Ndiyoyika (I'm scared)"
Mihle: "Woyika ntoni? (What are you scared
off?)"
Me: "Your mother"
He chuckled, averting his eyes to my lips. I felt
chills on my spine when he licked his, still
looking at mine. I don't understand why I was
always turned on for this man here, one simple
touch and my body would literally beg him to do
more. He looked at me again while placing his
hand on my thigh, rubbing on it.
Mihle: "You'll get used to her."
I had my eyes closed by now, concentrating on
the way my body was reacting every time
Mihle's hand was tracing the line between my
thigh and private part
Me: "I won't"
He didn't respond so I opened my eyes to look
at me, he was looking at my legs, his hand now
drawing circles towards my inner thigh. I once
again closed my eyes and moved my left leg to
the top of his hip. When his hand made contact
with my top of my private part I felt my hair
stand, goosebumps filling my arms. He slowly
opened my private part, touching my clit, which
he rubbed softly using his thumb before he slid
that thumb towards my hole and pushed it in. I
moved, opening my legs wider to give him more
access, he pushed it deeper before he pulled it
out and ran it up and down my private place. He
kept on applying pressure on my clit and gently
rubbing my pussy lips. He was using his middle
and index finger to pleasure my clit, and the
feeling of being touched by someone you loved,
someone who could pleasure you in any way
good, overwhelmed me. He found my hole
again and pushed in two fingers, this was when
I grabbed hold of his arm, bringing him closer.
With my baby still swollen from all the
satisfaction he had just given me earlier, his
fingers felt like heaven and they were the
reason I was going to beg him for another
round. I was close enough to place my forehead
on his chest and so I did, while my leg was
somewhere close to his ribcage now, that's how
much I was enjoying what he was doing. He
finger fucked me to an extent that I become wet
enough to have my castle make wet sounds
every time he pulled his fingers in and out of me.
He stopped but kept his fingers in me, his chest
was racing but you couldn't hear his breathing
"Phindi?"
I heard him call me but I wanted him to say my
name again, with that husky, bedroom voice he
used which I last heard two months back
Mihle: "Nhanha."
Me: "Huh?"
Mihle: "Jika (turn)"
As horny as I were, I opened my eyes at him. He
had his bottom lip between his teeth, his eyes
glowing from excitement
Me: "Mhuh?"
Mihle: "Turn around"
I attempted turning, thinking he wanted me to
face him with my back but he stopped me
"I want your legs here..."
He pointed his shoulders before finishing the
sentence
"And your head that side."
He wanted me legs on his shoulders and my
head where my feet were. So in other words, he
wanted my ass on his face. He finally pulled out
fingers when I began turning, watching me as I
found the best way to lay in which I'd be
comfortable. I laid on my side, looking the other
way and had my ass on his face like he asked,
he pulled me by my legs and brought one leg
under his face while the other he placed on his
neck. I stuck out my ass when I felt him use his
fingers to open my baby, and the first thing he
did was circle my opening with his tongue. I
moved down until I was satisfied he was close
enough when I felt his beard against my
womanhood. He started licking, just licking me
from my opening to my clit and continued doing
this for a while, meanwhile his thumb was
playing with my anus, but he wasn't pushing it in.
He sucked on my clit long enough to have me
shake a couple of times, bringing extreme
excitement to my body, the butterflies and the
feeling we ladies experienced when we about to
come. The time he was sucking the living hell
out of my womanhood, I had my hand on his
head. If there were a place where he could enter,
his head would probably be inside me now. He
moved his tongue to my opening and circled
around it, I could feel him gently pushing his
thumb in my anus and I tried not to panic. He
stopped when the tip of his thumb was in then
concentrated on my vagina where he stuck the
tip of his tongue as well. Absentmindedly, I
removed my leg on his neck and placed it on his
shoulder, moving down so he could push it in
already which he did. If you know what it feels
like being tongue fucked then you'll know the
sounds it makes, the sounds I was probably
making and the way my body was probably
feeling. He wanted to distract me with this
because it was after a while I felt that his thumb
was already in my anus adding to the pleasure
he was already giving me. Five minutes is an
underestimate to describe the minutes he
stayed down there until I felt I was close, maybe
close to twelve, with his tongue in me, doing
what his fingers were supposed to be doing. I
felt my clit resounding to the sensation and I
knew I was going to squirt so I placed my hand
on my clit because I didn't want him to stop yet
but when I felt that wasn't helping I moved away,
but he followed, removing my hand and applied
pressure on my clit using his thumb. My legs
were shaking, my toes curled and my eyeballs
had rolled to the back of my head. I felt my ass
leave the mattress as I tried breaking contact
with him because I could feel I was close. I
attempted closing my legs but he went deeper,
playing with his tongue inside of me. I sprang
and sat up, closing my legs so he couldn't get
through to my private part. My legs were still
shaking as I laid on the bed again trying to hold
myself from the mess I was about to do. He
was brushing the side of my thigh and placing
wet kisses on my leg. He turned me around,
laying me on my stomach and rubbed the side
of my waist. He laid on me, his heart beating
hard against my back
"I hate it when you do that."
I kept quiet, still allowing my body to take in the
exceptional m glee. Since he was laying
diagonally on my back, he had his face opposite
mine, looking at me. He ran his thumb on my
nose prior to touching my lips which I licked
right after he touched them. I finally opened my
eyes and looked at him, he was drawing circles
on my arm with his eyes closed, his long
eyelashes perfectly fitted together
Me: "What do you hate?"
He snapped his eyes open and looked into mine
Mihle: "Lento yakho (This thing) of stopping me
whenever you're about to climax. It makes me
feel like andiwugqibanga umsebenzi wam (I
haven't finished my job)"
Me: "But I was going to mess the bed."
Mihle: "And we were going to change it. Wash
the blankets"
Me: "Sihlale sine washing yengubo (always have
dirty laundry of blankets)"
Mihle: "It's worth it."
I found myself smiling. He moved closer and
placed a kiss on my forehead ahead of moving
off my back and jumping off the bed. I was
turning when he was dragging his sleepers
towards the door
Me: "Uyaphi? (Where you going?)"
Mihle: "Toilet then kitchen."
He stood at the door naked and looked at me
while his hand was touching his manhood so I
lost focus and gazed at his private part. He
gave a half-suppressed laugh ahead of
speaking in that husky voice
"Ufuna undithuma? (Do you want to send me
something?)"
I shook my head, looking up at him. He turned
around, leaving the bedroom. I laid on the bed,
having flashbacks on the pleasure I was just
given, and every time I pictured him ontop of me
butterflies tickled the lower part of my tummy.
His sex game was insanely beautiful, he felt like
a King when he got me naked, all he required
was just for me to relax and give my body to
him. He was the type to have a girl fall for him
even when they've laid ground rules that it was
a no strings attached type of affair, at least I
knew I would have. He returned holding a glass,
a mixed berries flavoured Liquo fruit juice along
with Thai sweet chilli flavoured lays. He threw
the chips on the bed and stood at the
hairdresser pouring himself a glass of the berry
juice. While looking at him my mind took me
back to that Bianca scandal, a part of me felt
like I had heard the name before and not from
our conversation, I honestly wanted to let it go
but it was bugging me that he had sex with her,
he actually gave a piece of himself to her. So I
questioned him
Me: "Mihle"
He turned and leaned on the hairdresser with
the glass still in his hand. I took in his figure
that was in front of me, I couldn't deny it he was
beautiful and I wouldn't be surprised if many
people queried as to why he was with me.
Judging from Nomthandazo and myself, I
heeded that he didn't find your very pretty girls
attractive, he wanted his normal beautiful
women, someone of my kind. He was still
looking at me, waiting for me to address him
"Do I know uBianca?"
He gave me a calm reaction, it was funny how
he reacted to news that were suppose to make
him tense or frightened
Mihle: "Kutheni uzobuza lonto? (Why you asking
that?)"
Me: "I feel like I've heard the name before."
He narrowed his eyes at me, probably trying to
take in my mood before he could answer me
Mihle: "Uyamazi (You know her)"
Me: "From?"
Mihle: "The weekend we spent with Andrew and
the rest of the guys, in one of those Cape town
hotels."
Me: "She's the coloured looking girl?"
He nodded, walking towards the bed where he
sat and looked my way
Me: "What's your relationship with her?"
Mihle: "We don't have a relationship."
I raised my eyebrows at me because
uyandibhanxa kaloku (he was fooling me). He
licked his lips prior to talking
"She was a booty call, once upon a time. But
developed feelings and started catching an
attitude towards Nomthandazo, that's when I
cut her off."
Me: "For Nomthandazo?"
Mihle: "That's who I was dating at that time."
Me: "So you feel it's okay not cutting her off for
me?"
He clinched his jaws and stared straight into my
eyes, he looked like he was about to say
something that would probably break me
Mihle: "I explained this to you."
Me: "It wasn't this question that I asked you"
Mihle: "If you maybe you weren't so insecure,
you'd know exactly my answer to that."
I looked at him amused by his riposte. He broke
eyes contact, moving off the bed and towards
the wardrobe where he pulled out his white
Markhams underwear from the drawer, which
he wore standing there. He turned around and
glanced my way, I wanted to say something but
I just didn't know what. He tucked himself under
the sheets and muttered
"You'll switch off the lights when you're done."
Me: "What's wrong with you?"
This question got him to sit up, he chuckled a
couple of times and right before he spoke I
stopped him, speaking
Me: "I ask you a simple question and you act
like I've declared war when you're the one who
cheated."
Mihle: "Aphindiwe, I told you what you needed
to hear. I don't know whether you expect me to
lie nah but we went through this. And ngoku
into oyenzayo uqala nje uchuku for no bloody
reason."
Me: "I just can't stomac..."
Mihle: "The thought of me fucking someone?"
I looked at him, my stomach turned from just
hearing it, I was trying not to break
Mihle: "I loathe when you make me angry nyani
because going through the same thing eight
times like we're in pre-school is a no no. I've
made a couple of mistake, I understand I hurt
you but I asked you to let me fix that. Aphindiwe
if I wanted any of these girls I would have been
with them now instead of you. I know I fucked
up, acted without thinking when I did what I did
with Bianca but that doesn't change the fact
that I love you. It wouldn't."
Ndandisa bindeke yilanto ebeyithethile upfront
so I couldn't master a word at that time
Mihle: "I need to be a better man for you Phindi
but it won't happen over night."
He touched my shoulder and brought me close
to me, I allowed myself and rested my head on
his shoulder. He gently grabbed the back of my
neck and kissed the top of my head
"When I asked you to take a decision uba
ubenam I didn't say it would be easy. I don't
mean it's okay when I'm pleasuring other
women."
Me: "Ndicela ungayibeki njalo (Please don't put
it that way)"
He shifted on his butt and cupped my face with
his huge hands, his eye contact did me no good
when I was mad at him
Mihle: "Ndijonge (Look at me)"
He repeated himself before I looked at him
Mihle: "Don't doubt me. Okay?"
I understand he was trying but my heart was
heavy from all this and the only way I could get
over it was if we spoke about it, I still wanted to
clear the air on the Pearl thing too. He placed
his soft lips on mine and pulled back
Mihle: "We not going to sleep until you speak."
There was silence for a while before I cleared
my throat preparing to talk
"Andiqumbanga (I'm not mad). Can we sleep
now?"
He chuckled
Mihle: "Zama futhi (try again)"
I looked at him, keeping a straight face, he was
smirking. Still seated, I removed one pillow from
my side of the bed and placed it next to his
knee then pulled the covers but he stopped me
when I began crawling to my bedside. He
encircled his arm around my waist and groaned
as he pulled me closer, I rolled my eyes
because it was clear he was exaggerating I
wasn't that heavy. He placed me ontop of his
leg, I sat there with my back touching his chest
"Convince me."
He said lowly, his voice sounding even more
husky.
Me: "I'm fine"
He chuckled again, close to my ear this time. He
removed me from his lap, and just when I
thought he was going to remove the pillows off
the bed and sleep, he grabbed both my legs
causing me to lay on the bed, he took my feet
and brought them between his rib cage and
bicep. I began kicking when he started running
his fingers up and down my feet, tickling me. I
was laughing, kicking, trying to turn about a
million times so he would free my feet but he
held me right almost hurting my ankles. My
stomach was beginning to hurt so I gave in and
shouted
Me: "I'm okay nyani, I'm fine!"
In between my laughs. He looked over his
shoulder with a huge smile on his face
Mihle: "Are you?"
I nodded, trying to stop myself from laughing
because my stomach was killing me. He finally
freed my feet and stood up, pulling me towards
him so he stood between my legs. I was still
naked so I immediately took one hand and
covered my womanhood that was now staring
at him, he bent forward tucking both his arms
under my waist and picked me up from the bed,
I encircled my legs around his waist with my
arms on his neck. He placed a lousy kiss on my
chin then took a couple of steps towards the
wardrobe, carrying me in his arms. He leaned
against the wardrobe and looked at me, I bent
forward and captured his lips in mine. He
tongue kissed me immediately, getting me
excited for a couple of seconds before he
pulled back and gently placed me on the floor.
He grabbed my ass with both hands and gave
me one last babykiss
Mihle: "Get dressed, before that ass makes me
do something."
He stuck out his tongue on me then headed for
the door towards the bathroom. I opened the
wardrobe and pulled out my bag, took out my
pyjamas then pushed it back inside. It was
funny how every week I was here but I never
had the courage to empty my bag into one of
the shelves, or maybe that's because he had
clothes in all shelves, but even if there was an
empty one I would have probably waited for his
instruction. He walked back in, closed the door
and switched off the lights, the bedside lamps
bringing some light into the bedroom. He
jumped on his left side of the bed and took his
phone from next to the lamp. It felt somehow
awkward every time he was on his phone
because whenever we were together we
seemed to be disconnected from the outside
world, being the reason for our emotional
contact.
I opened the packet of Lays he had brought and
ingested half the packet while he was still on
his phone, I kept on glancing his way and took
in the look on his face every time he received a
new text. Subsequently to closing the packet
and placing it next to the lamp, I checked my
phone, looking at the time to be precise, it was
a couple of minutes after twelve. I placed my
phone under my pillow and turned over facing
this man who was still on his phone, pillow
supporting his back, head against the head
board with the blanket was up until his waist
Me: "Goodnight"
He turned and pouted his lips, I balanced on my
elbow, uplifting my body so I'd reach his lips. I
kissed and went back to being comfortable
Mihle: "Goodnight Mambhele wam."
He turned off his lamp but remained on his
phone.

I was drawn to a dark place by something

strong that was holding unto my jacket, every
time I kept on pulling away it seemed to be
grabbing harder. My conscious mind wasn't
telling me to take off my jacket but instead to
keep on fighting to free myself and run. I
decided to turn so I could see what it was that
was holding me however when I turned a small
boy was standing in front of me, bleeding from
the heart and pressing his small hands against
his chest. I took a few steps back, my eyes
glued on the little boy who was also staring at
me with tears in his eyes. While taking another
step a white hand touched my shoulder, I froze
unable to turn
"Mcede mntanam. Mcede (Help him my child.
Help him)"
That voice, I knew that voice. I attempted
turning but felt stiff and robot like.

Me: "Mama!"
I woke up from shook, shaking, sweating and
crying. Mihle walked into the bedroom holding a
shaving blade in his hands. He looked at the
terrified me before he took long steps towards
the bed. I was looking around the room, feeling
like the boy was still here with me somehow
Mihle: "Baby?"
He touched my forehead
Me: "Fuck eliphupha (this dream)"
Mihle: "Thoma umsindo Mambhele (lower the
anger Mambhele), it was just a dream."

My mother, her words and this boy. This wasn't

the first time I was having such a dream even
though they all seemed to be in different places,
and every time this boy appeared in my dreams
the places we were in were becoming darker
and scarier. I wasn't much of a traditional
person, I didn't believe in dream interpretation
but when a dream occured more than once,
then there surely must be a meaning to it.
158th Entry
Azola

I was in the bathe tub, preparing myself for

heading out. Sivuyisiwe called me this morning
telling me to meet her at the mall at twelve
o'clock. Right now the time was something past
ten, giving me another hour at least to get ready.
After stepping out of the tub, I retreated to the
bedroom and stood in front of my wardrobe for
a good three minutes trying to get anything to
wear. My shelves were a mess before the only
thing I kept doing was pulling out and shoving in
clothing items. I decided to moisturize and fix
my weave first before I put together an outfit to
wear. I finally decided on my baggy denim t-
shirt which I wore as a dress, along with white
converse chunks. I applied mascara and lipstick,
which were the only make up items I owned -
one mascara and a couple of lipsticks to be
precise. I grabbed hold of my handbag and cell
phone then stepped out of my bedroom,
retreating to the kitchen. I was alone with
Nomthandazo today, father had gone to attend
a business exhibition and umama noSivuyisiwe,
y'all know their story.
I entered the kitchen to a Nomtha who had a
bowl of muesli ontop of her enormous belly and
a glass of Orange juice in front of her, she
looked up from the bowl immediately when she
heard me step in
Nomthandazo: Uyaphi? (Where you going?)
Me: Molo nawe mama ka Lunje (Hello to you
too Lunje's mother)
That was the name she said she'd be giving to
her little man
Nomthandazo: Khawuthethe (just talk)
Me: Out to the mall. Sivu asked me to meet her
phaya nge lunch (her there during lunch)
I placed my phone on the counter and walked
over to the cabinet, I took out a bowl and the
rice krispies cereal box.
"Dressed like that?"
I turned and looked at her. She had her
eyebrows raised at me, waiting for me to
answer her, I mean wasn't it obvious nah?
I faced her with my back and proceeded doing
what I was doing. I walked over to the fridge
and poured some cold milk on the cereal
Nomthandazo: You know that's a t-shirt right?
Me: Which I wear as a dress. Geez ekuseni
kanje bra?!
Nomthandazo: It's inappropriate and that's why
you catching an attitude because you know
iwrongo.
I rolled her my eyes at her. I was planning on
sitting there with her but when she
blathered<br>
"Niqala kanje ufuna (You start like this wanting)
men that are older than you."
I turned on my heel, storming out of that kitchen.
I knew she was no fun because she always she
was very old, sometimes forgetting that Vhuvhu
was older than her, but now that she was
pregnant she was worse. I threw myself on the
coach and reached out for the remote, I tuned
on channel 124, the only channel I lived on
basically. I was still concentrating on Botched
when I heard my phone ring from the kitchen, as
quick as a mice I placed the bowl on the coffee
table and ran to the kitchen. The run was for
two reasons, one being how I thought it could
be one of my boys, two was how I actually
feared Nomtha would answer it or check the
screen for that matter. I leaned on the counter
and rolled my eyes before answering
Me: Vhuvhu
Sivuyisiwe: Jonga, go to my room, phaya kwi
drawer yeHeadboard you'll find a small diary,
take that with you it has a list of things I need.
Me: Okay. Anything else?
Sivuyisiwe: Yes. Uzohamba noMihle (You'll be
driving with Mihle), ebethe he'll be there in
about five.
Me: Alright. Anything else?
Sivuyisiwe: (giggles) voetsek
Me: (laughs) bye
I skipped to Vhuvhu's bedroom and did as she
requested, took my handbag with me to the
lounge as I threw in the diary. I had just took in
the third spoon when I heard Nomtha cursing in
the kitchen
Me: Yintoni? (What is it?)
She dragged her feet towards the lounge and
stood in the middle of nowhere with her hands
on her back.
Nomthandazo: Ndibeleka nini kanene? (When
am I giving birth again?)
Me: Next month
She sat on the couch and sighed loudly. I
looked at her belly which was popping out of
her gown
Me: It must be terrible carrying an infant.
Nomthandazo: No but they heavy
I quivered, just the sight of it gave me an
uneasy feeling. She was going on and on about
the disadvantages of being pregnant when my
phone rang averting my attention from her, it
was uMafugwashe (the first born) once again
Me: What is it this time?
Sivuyisiwe: Uthi uphandle uMihle (Mihle says
he's outside)
I wanted to question him not entering like he
used but remembered that he was back to
being on bad terms with my parents, more
especially my father. I grabbed my handbag and
headed for the door
Nomthandazo: Uthi uzosithathelw' ngubani
esisitya?(And who's going to take this bowl for
you?)
Me: Please do
While she was mumbling something I closed
the door, she probably was swearing at me. If
she knew her man was outside the gate, she
probably would have chained me on that couch
until I agreed to change my outfit. She knew I
never saw bhut' Mihle in that way but since
Phindi came around, I too was a suspect of
these "old successful men." I opened the door
of his car and stepped in, his cologne filled my
nostrils
Me: Molweni Bhuti
Mihle: Azo. Unjani nontombi? (Azo. How are you
baby girl?)
Me: Ndiyaphila bhuti unjani wena? (I'm good
bhuti how are you?)
He nodded while smiling at me
"Ndiright nam. To the mall right?"
Me: Yep
He accelerated his vehicle, driving us to
Waterstone Village Centre in the music of
Maxwell. I was so tempted to ask him about
Aphindiwe's whereabouts and if perhaps he
knew where she was but I refrained from it, he
wasn't the type to have casual chats with me
anyway. We arrived at the mall after the quick,
smooth drive and went for the bank first, he
drew an amount of R8000 and told me to give it
to Sivuyisiwe, prior to him walking off and
disappearing amongst other people. I texted
Sivuyisiwe, reporting to her that I was already at
the mall doing some window shopping. She
arrived about ten minutes after my arrival, and
we did what we managed to do in that hour,
visiting shops like Mr Price Home, Game,
Checkers and other supermarket stores. The
disadvantage of this whole activity was me
guiding the plastics at the mall, waiting for Busi
to come pick me up. I was exasperated
because I couldn't move, maybe to go buy
myself a lousy pie or ice cream. Busi arrived
after an hour walking with another lady, by now
my mood was sour so I wasn't the best
company, nor did I greet back when they
greeted. I only helped carry the plastic bags
then returned inside, telling them to leave me
behind I'd go on my own home. It was
Wednesday, only three days to Nomthandazo's
baby shower, I needed to get me an item of the
colour we were told to wear.
Aphindiwe

After my lectures I went to the library to try

studying, I only managed about four to five
pages when I received a video call from
Kimberley. I rejected it and attempted
continuing with what I was doing but she called
again so I packed my books and walked silently
from the library. I decided to call her back when
I was outside
"Waa' is jou arss? (Where is your ass?)"
Me: You go missing for the whole weekend then
have the guts to cone disturb me when I'm
studying
Kimberley: You were studying? Ah jammer
choma but where are You?
Me: Walking down the corridor from the library
Kimberley: We here under the tree next to the
parking loot.
Me: Cool
I hang up and continued down the hallways. I
had my eyes on the screen of my cell phone,
chatting to Mihle when I bumped into someone,
dropping my phone then have this chubby guy
step on it while it was face down.
Me: Fuck. Did you just?!
The chubby looked at me then at my phone
before he picked it up and handed it to me
"Next time watch where you going!"
The coloured guy whom I bumped rudely
exclaimed, picking up the fucken cigarette he
dropped during our collision. I looked at him,
showing him the middle finger. He placed his
tongue between his index and middle finger and
played with his huge tongue doing the licking
motion. Him and his idiotic friend both burst
into laughter before heading the other direction
Me: Mxm
I looked at my phone and almost screamed my
lungs out when I saw the screen was fucked up.
Bloody coloureds. I continued with my journal
until I arrived to my girls
Luthando: You look a mess. What's wrong?
I threw my phone on top of her bag and
watched as her mount hung open
Kimberley: What happened?
Me: Abantu bakokwenu (You kind of people)
"You mean coloureds?"
Me: Stupid, fucken, irritating coloureds
Kimberley: Don't come here with that racist shit.
I sat next to her and allowed my body when she
pulled me in a hug
Kimberley: Sorry baby
She placed a kiss at the top of my head and
handed me a smoothie. I pulled back, sipping
on the snack juice she just gave me
Me: What's the occasion?
Luthando: Nothing silambile qha (we hungry
that's all)
I took a slice of pizza from the chicken and
mushroom Debonairs pizza in between us. We
were seated flat on the ground, dishing some
weekend news and gossiping about a couple of
girls these girls knew at Campus. We were still
sitting there when Mihlali approached us,
walking with some ratchet looking soul.
Mihlali: Ladies!
I faked a smile like always before taking my
phone and texting my man, telling him that my
iPhone 6 now looked like it was owned by a
drunkard. Mihlali was chit-chatting with the girls
before she clicked her fingers looking at the girl
she brought with who was shamelessly
chewing on that pizza
"Babalwa remember that guy omhle gqithi. That
guy iMerc ebomvu? (Babalwa remember that
guy who's attractive. That guy who was driving
a red Merc?)"
Babalwa: Omphi? (Which one?)
Mihlali: Last year man, kwi festival nton nton
Babalwa: Oh ewe
Mihlali: It's her boyfriend
Mihlali pointing at me so the girl looked at me,
she eyed me from head to waist since I was
sitting down like the rest of them
Babalwa: The nice guy olijoni (The nice guy
who's a soldier)
Me: And how do you know him?
She chewed on the last piece of the slice she
was holding and rubbed her hands together
Babalwa: Umtsha apha ekapa? (Are you new
here in Cape Town?)
I nodded and she smiled
"No wonder. Your man almost sold us. Him,
nesinye isdudla esihamba ngemoto emnyama
(Him, and some fat guy who drives a black
car.)"
Her facial expression spoke a lot. The fat guy I
presumed to be Bulelani, even though he wasn't
really fat.
Kimberley: Sold y'all?
Babalwa: Yeah. She would know
Both Luthando and Kim shifted their eyes to me.
Me: No I don't
Babalwa: You don't know that your man is
involved in human trafficking?
Kimberley: What?!
Luthando: Are you sure you talking about the
same guy?
Mihlali: Ewe. I knew the guy looked familiar
when I saw him but wasn't sure from where
Kimberley: Baby and you didn't know?
I still had my eyes on this Babalwa girl while I
shock my head.
Babalwa: Well I was told not to say but I thought
since nizi chommie niyayazi (y'all are friends
you knew).
Luthando: Told not to say by?
Babalwa: Indoda yentombazana le (By this girl's
man). They thought they had spiked our drinks
but kucacile it wasn't enough so when we got
the place we were awake then boom they
bribed us to never say
Me: I don't trust you
Babalwa: I could bring my girl uNokuthula, she'll
tell you what I'm talking about.
There was silence. I was feeling embarrassed
but I managed not to show it
Luthando: Haisoka I don't believe that
Kimberley: Neither do I. I mean if Mihle was that
dangerous then Andrew would have warned us
a long time.
The Babalwa girl shrugged her shoulders and
looked at me, she pouted her lips which were
coloured pink from these cheap lipsticks
"Well stick around and you'll see for yourself.
Kusezonyiwa."
She said that before she stood up, telling Mihlali
to accompany her to get some cigarettes. I let
out a sigh I didn't know I was holding when they
were out of sight
Kimberley: Babe are you okay?
Me: Yeah. I'll just have to ask Mihle
Luthando: Those are some real accusations
rhaa.
I was playing with the straw of my smoothie,
trying to think of ways to run away from the
truth. My heart was hammering against my
chest and I could feel my palms sweating. Who
in their conscious spoke about something of
this nature so casually?
It was after a short while when Mihle called,
asking me to meet him outside the gate. All of a
sudden his call gave me anxiety and I was
hoping this twenty seven minutes left from his
lunch would end soon. I walked towards his car
with nothing but my cell phone, he unlocked the
doors when he saw me standing at the door
about to open it. He moved the wimpy brown
bag from the seat when I stepped inside
Me: Hello
Mihle: You look devastated. Uright?
I raised my phone in the air, not yet ready to tell
him about this Babalwa chick
He leaned and gave me a baby kiss
Mihle: Brought this for you. Ubuthe you hungry
Me: And I just ate
He was examining my phone while I was
digging in parcel he brought me, I pulled out the
fries and started eating them
Mihle: What did you eat?
Me: Kim bought pizza and we ate
He placed my phone under the radio system
then turned to face me
"Kutheni uze late khona (Why did you come
late?)?"
Mihle: Bendise mall, had to give Sivu mali
ayicelileyo for le baby shower ka Nomthandazo
(I was at the mall, had to give Sivu the money
she asked for this baby shower for
Nomthandazo)
Me: Bebeshota? (Were they shorting?)
Mihle: With a couple of things yes
Me: Okay. There's something we need to talk
about
Mihle: Now?
Me: Probably later
Mihle: Yintoni? (What is it?)
Me: You'll hear later
He checked the time on his wrist watch then
looked at me again, pulling out two fries which I
fed him
Mihle: I'll drop off le phone yakho at a place
relevant by today (pause) at four, it'll be fixed
Me: Nyani?
He nodded taking another french fry
"You the best."
Mihle: I know. Now switch your phone off,
andifuni uphendula icalls zakho (I don't want to
answer your calls)
Me: What's wrong with my calls?
Mihle: David is
Before I even looked up at him he was laughing,
he shrugged his shoulder and held my hand
when I tried punching him
Mihle: Ndiyayithanda igrootman yakho
He said in beteeen chuckles. I looked at him
failing not to smile. He leaned in for a kiss, I
stuck out my tongue and thought he'd pull back
when it touches his lips but he stuck his out too,
attaching it to mine prior to pulling me gently by
my neck and brought me closer. He tongue
kissed but pulled back while I was still enjoying
it. He stuck the tip of his tongue and had those
sexy eyes narrowed at me. I opened the door
and turned to him, giving him one more kiss
Mihle: Hampa
He leaned forward and smacked my ass, I
looked back at him before closing the door. He
lowered the window and called out my name, I
turned back and gazed at him, he called me. I
went over to his window to hear out what he
was saying
"One more kiss."
Blushing I leaned forward and kissed him again.
He drove off leaving me cracking there from
blushing and smiling simultaneously. I
approached my girls smiling, hoping that
"kusezonyiwa" term from that Babalwa girl
wasn't for me as well.
Mihle

After working hours I did the usual, to fetch

Phindi and head home. On our drive home I
received a surprise call from Nomthandazo, it
was a surprise call because we haven't been
talking to close to a month. Since it was
connected to the car by Bluetooth and with
nothing to hide, I answered
Me: Nomtha
Nomthandazo: Hello Fhaku
Me: Hey
Nomthandazo: Unjani? (How are you?)
Me: Perfectly fine wena?
Nomthandazo: Good. Dying of cramps
I chuckled, not having expected that
Me: Sorry
Nomthandazo: Iyasinda iboy yakho, ifuze Tata
(Your boy's heavy, just like his dad)
Aphindiwe and I simultaneously cleared out
throats, I had nothing against what Nomtha
said but it was inappropriate because
Aphindiwe was around. I believe she sensed I
was about to ignore that when she spoke again
"Well I was calling to tell you uba I need to go to
one last check up before labour. Any time from
the 24th of this month to next month I can
expect birth."
Me: And when is the next appointment
Nomthandazo: I'll send it on whatsApp. I'm not
entirely sure
Me: Sure
I reached out for the screen and ended the call.
The uneasy tension which lingered in the air
every time I had spoken to Nomthandazo really
worked on me, by now I had expected
Aphindiwe to know this because I say kuye (to
her) the whole time, Nomthandazo is carrying
my son. We stopped at Checkers and bought
some chicken breasts and fresh cream milk, I
was craving a home cooked meal and I was in
the mood for cooking today. We also grabbed a
couple of some snack and Vitamin water for my
beautiful lady. She was softening a little as we
walked through the store picking up the little
grocery we needed. We headed back to the car
in giggles and her mouth already stuffed with
the Cadbury biscuit chocolate
Aphindiwe: Awufuni nyani? (You honestly don't
want?)
I shook my head, giving her a fake disgusted
face. She stuck her tongue out at me, giving me
the whatever face. We stepped into the car and
she questioned me again, for the third time, so
this time around I asked for a piece. She put
one bar in her mouth and chewed on it before
she stuck out her tongue showing me that
melted chocolate. I chuckled, shaking my head
Me: Andingomntana kaloku (I'm no kid)
She leaned forward, trying to force her tongue in
my mouth. I stopped her by running my finger
on her tongue then putting it in my mouth. The
excitement that filled her face instantly when I
sucked on my finger. She was screaming and
dancing on her seat actually causing me to
laugh
Aphindiwe: Didn't think you were going to take it.
Me: I love much to even suck it from here
I touched her pearl, she giggled moving my
hand away
Aphindiwe: I know you would. Unamanyala
kaloku wena (You are nasty).
We had a smooth drive before we arrived at
Belmar and unloaded the grocery. I prepared
myself for cooking while she helped me with
the chopping, she had herself a glass of
Amarula with milk. Every time I was preparing a
pot she'd stand next to me to see what it was I
was adding and how much I was adding
Aphindiwe: You should teach me Fhaku
Me: We need a weekend off for lonto bhabha.
I'm a bad teacher ke, don't have much patience
Aphindiwe: I'm a fast leaner noko
She was sitting on the stool when I closed my
pot and approached her. She reached out her
hands, holding me a couple of feet away from
her
Me: You said we needed to talk
I was brushing her hair by now, looking at those
perfectly drawn eyebrows and wondered how
women always stood in the mirror every
morning for these. She had her eyes closed
Aphindiwe: Ewe, it's about a girl
I tensed up immediately. Not that I was
cheating but like any other man if a woman was
mentioned by the girl you loved then it only sent
sirens of trouble
"By the name Babalwa."
She then opened her eyes to look at me. I had
my eyebrows furrowed, trying to think of a
Babalwa I personally knew
Me: Doesn't ring a bell
I stepped away from her and leaned on the
counter, she dug her fingers in my hair and
continued talking
"Well this girl uthi she knows you from last year.
You guys tried kidnapping them."
My eyes were three times their normal size.
What the fuck was I hearing?
Me: Unjani? (How is she?)
Aphindiwe: Caramel skin tone, maybe a size 30,
32. Okay wethu, looks ratchet and ingathi
uyabetha (she looks like she hits)
I tried searching my thoughts, beating myself to
remember the girl she was talking about
Aphindiwe: Uthi kwaku nge festival whatever
and you were driving a red Mercedes
Me: Fuck
I softly muttered, she gave me a different look,
hoping I knew the girl but unfortunately I didn't
but knew what she was talking about
Aphindiwe: Uyamazi (You know her)?
Me: No but I have an idea of what you talking
about
Aphindiwe: Oh
Me: It wasn't me but Calvin. Yes the job as for
me but I wasn't the one who went out and spoilt
the girls. I don't do that.
She nodded, sipping on her glass
"I don't get girls on my own. I have people who
bring them to me."
Aphindiwe: When are you closing this side job?
I looked up at her, she had a straight yet
pleading face
Me: Can we not?
Aphindiwe: Ingxaki I don't want to see you as
that guy.
Me: And nam I don't want that
Aphindiwe: Then kuzofuneke uyiyeke (then
you'll have to stop it)
I moved closer and kissed her forehead before
walking over to the stove. I wasn't about to
discuss this because it would change this
mood. I was going to leave that job but all in
right time
Aphindiwe: So uzokwenza njani (So what you
going to do) because she said this in front of
my girls
Me: Nothing but we'll investigate on it
Aphindiwe: Nobody's getting hurt mos
Me: (chuckles) no baby. Nobody will get hurt
We sat in the kitchen chatting about other life
concerning things before she helped me dish up.
She was complaining about the amount of pots
I had used but I kept on telling her delicious
foods had to be cooked in many pots.

We sat at the lounge, ate first then placed the

plates on the coffee table and started chatting.
Chats and laughs with her were becoming
addictive and the music to my ears. I only came
to my senses when I realised the time was
nearing 11, both a little surprised we tidied the
kitchen, washing the dishes and cleaning where
necessary. That day we went to bed without
bathing.
The following morning I was woken by my
phone ringing at past three in the morning. I
removed my hand which was holding
Aphindiwe's waist and tried reaching for my
phone but when it stopped ringing, I stopped
trying. But it rang for the second time causing
me to groan from irritation. I reached for it and
answered
Me: Terra
Terra: Mlungu kukho ingxaki apha (Boss there's
a problem here)
Me: Speak up
Terra: Kukh' intwana ebezirhalela ukwenza
umrivithi apha iyardini but aziphumelelanga
(There's some boys who wanted to do a mess
here in the yard but didn't succeed)
Me: Nibaphethe? (Y'all have them?)
"Nha Mlungu. Kodwa iplate siyiphethe nakanjani.
(No Boss but we got the plate)"
Me: Save it. Ndizojika ngomso (I'll hit a round
tomorrow)
Terra: Mlungam (My boss)
I hung up and placed my phone on its usual
place. Aphindiwe turned and faced the other
way during my call, mumbling something under
her breath. I got up and went for a pee be for
returning to bed, unable to sleep again. If it
weren't problems in my relationship then it was
problems with my side job.
I don't remember sleeping but when I finally did
wake my eyes were burning, indicating that I
hadn't had much sleep. I took a cold shower
just to get me through the morning and when I
returned to the bedroom Phindi was already up,
picking an outfit for the day.
"Morning"
Aphindiwe: Andivuswa ngoku? (I don't get
woken up now?)
Me: But I often take showers before you
Nhanha
Aphindiwe: But not lately
Me: Hayi uqala uchuku kengoku (No you're
starting a fight now)
She looked at me, I blew her a kiss and
continued with what I was doing. When she
walked past me, to we around her body with her
cosmetic bag in her hand, I pulled her towel
from the bottom and it left her body meeting
the floor. She stood in her lace panties and
looked at me, unable to keep a mad face
"You'll bring it when I need it."
Me: Call me when you done, I'll dry you up
ngokwam.
I prepared breakfast while she was in the
bedroom dressing up. Scrambled eggs, bacon,
grated cheese and tomato slices, poured a
glass of cold drink for each. I was making calls
while eating, trying to check if the matter at the
yard was being sorted, I was glad to hear that
they were now tracking the number plate. I
didn't visit the yard everyday, maybe two to
three days a week to check progress and the
money coming in. I was always in the office
when I was around there, checking girls and
what they needed was only done by the
individuals I hired for that. The only time I saw
those girls was when I had to approve if they
stayed. Now that I was becoming emotionally
and spiritually better I wasn't happy about the
yard nor its activity but closing it would take
more than I could imagine. It wasn't about the
money anymore but about me and my team.
The minute we'd release those girls, we could
consider ourselves fucked - 92 girls and you
expected all 92 to keep their mouths shut if I'd
let them walk off - impossible.
Like in one of few days, Phindi and I were
actually early and left my place on time. I
dropped her off at school then headed for work,
ready for the long day ahead. During lunch
ndenza (I did) the usual drive to and from
Stellenbosch. In the afternoon we bought
supper on the way, some Nandos chicken
because I wasn't going to be around to cook
again, I needed to go to the yard as soon as I
could. UMambhele wam seemed all okay when
I was explaining this to her in the car but when I
had to leave she was all long faces
Me: Or you want to come with me?
She shook her head, following me to the door
Me: I'll be back. Lock the doors
She nodded before standing on her tippy toes
to kiss me. I gave her a baby kiss and one on
her forehead
"Lock the doors Phindi."
Aphindiwe: I will. Please come back early
I zipped my adidas tracksuit jacket and stepped
out. I checked the door on the rear mirror before
driving off to the place which reminded me of
how ruthless and selfless I could get.
When I got the yard Nkululeko was present like I
had asked him to be while Kay was busy on the
computer trying to add one plus one. We
gathered in the play room and discussed this,
Terra explained once again what had happened.
Me: Nobody gets harmed. Immediately when I
get the car's habitat then I'll instruct when y'all
strike. We killing nobody! Are we clear?
Terra: Ya Mlungu
Me: Good
I dismissed them and Nkulie stayed around as
always. He pulled out a rolled joint from his
pocket and lit it, he knew how much I couldn't
stand the smell of weed from the minute I quit it.
Me: Nayenza njani lanto ka Calvin last year?
(How did y'all manage the Calvin issue last
year?)
Nkululeko: Sorted it. Smoko (problem)?
Me: One of those students ufunda eStellen and
usayithetha lento (attends at Stellen and she
still talks about it)
He raised his eyebrows at me
"Phindi undibuze ngaye namhlanje (Phindi
asked me about her today)"
Nkululeko: Ndiyamazi. Let me handle this one
Me: No stupid mistakes Nkulie
Nkululeko: Since nini nah ngoku? (Since when
now?)
Me: I just don't want anything messy. No blood
shedding, just question her
He chuckled before letting out the smoke
"You been so scared of blood lately it's unlike
you. What happened to Mihle? Bring him back."
Me: Depa lekaka uyitshayayo, it smells like shit
Nkululeko: Shit is you turning into a pussy
mpinch yam. No blood shedding
He was laughing as I headed for the door. He
was one of the realist people I had in my life
and not until I told him my feelings about this
place now, he'd carry on pestering me. I showed
him my middle finger and shouted
"Suck a dick!"
As I stepped out. I only sent the team out at so
met past 11, after checking up on Phindi and
giving her a go ahead to sleep. She sounded
upset and it was understandable, I left the
house at to seven, promised to be back early.
The team returned empty handed at past one,
saying someone must have known we were
coming because when they were 5KM to its
habitat, it was changed on places and plates. I
left them working because what I wanted were
the faces of these idiots who caused chaos in
my territory yesterday, as well as the man who
had sent them.

I arrived home to a peacefully sleeping Phindi,

the lights of the bedroom were still on. She
must have slept still waiting for me. I removed
my clothes in deep thoughts, cracking my brain
about who the fuck it would be? Who was
testing my fire? For this lady laying right here, I
really wanted to do better but I wasn't a man
who left my tracks seen so I had to find out
whom it was that was shitting on me. I
switched off the lights and got in bed at 3:12
am, holding the queen of my palace close to me.
160th Entry

Nomthandazo
On Saturday morning Sivuyisiwe woke me up
endixelela nge (telling me about the) breakfast
she was taking me to. She seemed a little over
excited for breakfast only buy I ignored that.
She was sitting on the edge of my bed looking
at me with a grin on her Facebook
Me: Vhuvhu you know kunjani uhamba (how it
feels walking) around carrying this young man
Sivuyisiwe: Don't be lazy Nomtha. Sizohamba
ngemoto sani (we'll be traveling in a car)
Me: Oh my gosh
I laid my head on the pillow and closed my eyes
Me: What time is it?
Sivuyisiwe: Time for you to get your ass up,
cause we going.
I groaned while she dragged her tall ass
towards the door, she left it open, something
she always did when she wanted me to get up. I
laid on my bed looking at that door and
wondering what it was I was going to wear for
this breakfast. I laid in that position before I
dragged myself off the bed, covered my now fat
body with my night gown then exited my room
to the kitchen. Azola, mom and Sivu were at the
kitchen laughing over something and having
cereal, utata was in the lounge having ibig
breakfast.
Mama: Ntombi
Me: Molweni
Mama: Unjani umzukulwana wam? (How's my
grandchild?)
Me: A soccer player
Sivuyisiwe: Mihle udlala ibhola? (Mihle plays
soccer?)
Me: Kakhulu (A lot)
Mama: Uyayifuna breakfast? (Do you want
breakfast?)
Me: Hayi, just a cup of yoghurt. Vhuvhu is taking
me to breakfast
I noticed Azola dancing on her stool
"And then?"
Sivuyisiwe: Uhamba nathi (she's coming with us)
Me: uAzo?!
Azola: Yintoni ingxaki? (What's the problem?)
Me: Where you going? Ayalibala that umncinci
(you forget that you're young)
Sivuyisiwe: Hayi man Nomtha
Mama: Oh gqibelo lam, awufunwa (my last born,
you not wanted)
Azola: And the worst part is that le lunch
ibhatalwa nguSivu (Sivu is paying for this lunch)
I don't know what Nomtha's problem is
Me: Yhini, ingxak...
Mama: Hayi Nomtha yeka uchuku mntanam
(No Nomtha stop digging fights my child)
Azola was looking at me with hawk eyes,
waiting for me to say something but I didn't and
when I did, I addressed Vhuvhu
"Sihamba nini? (When are we leaving?)"
Sivuyisiwe: Ngo 10 guys please. Breakfast yase
Spur iyaphela ngo 12
We sat in the kitchen chatting before I excused
myself to go take a bath and fix my room. I
pulled out a yellow maxi dress with my brown
sandals, did my make-up and fixed my weave.
When I felt I was looking good enough I went to
the lounge and found utata reading a
newspaper
Me: Tamkhulu (granddad)
Tata: Ntombam (My girl)
I sat on the couch opposite his, took his glass
which was on the tray filled with orange juice,
took a couple of sips and placed it back. I was
my father's favourite daughter and it evident
nakubani.
Tata: Niyaphi nah wamhle kangaka? (Where are
you going looking so beautiful?)
Me: Vhuvhu uyasikhupha for breakfast (Vhuvhu
is taking us out for breakfast)
Tata: Tshii uyintombi endala uSivu (Sivu is a
grown girl)
Me: Uyakhula (She's growing)
The devil herself walked in, dressed in a tight
black dress, matching her heels and handbag,
her hair was on the maxi. Well that's what we
did often times, sat around having chats over
hair, a lot of hair and handbags. Those were her
favourite things ever and what she ordered
almost every month, right now she had round
about six different weaves which she sewed
into wigs. She leaned forward and kissed my
father's cheek, my father touched her hair while
she was kissing him causing her to jump away
from him
"Oh Tata, uyandibhoxa (You're ruining my hair)."
My father looked at her over his glasses and
smiled
Tata: Ngxhesi Mambhele. Zibrushe ngapha
(Sorry Mambhele. Brush them this side)
She walked over to the mirror in the lounge and
fixed her hair which was not even messed up. It
wasn't long until Azola came out wearing her
olive green dress, these loose long dresses and
white sandals with her black handbag.
Sivuyisiwe: We done right?
Azola: Yep
Sivuyisiwe: Xhego (old man), we leaving you
and your wife apha endlini. Noba ningazikhupha
for isupper nina (Y'all can take each other out
for supper)
Tata: (chuckles) enjoy
He winked at Azola who showed him a peace
sign before heading for the door. I looked at my
sister as we walked out, we were all different in
personality but resembles told we were from
the same breed. We all had caramel skin tone,
big eyes, these sharp nose and then Sivu was
the only one who was slender and tall. Azola
and myself were you 34-36 type of ladies, with
asses that were okay for our body and boobs
which were a little bigger. Mine were worse now
since I was carrying.
We arrived at the mall and had breakfast at
Spur, amongst chats and laughs. Azola was on
her phone most of the time, especially when
Sivu and I held a conversation over men and
relationship. Sivu did try pestering her into
telling us about her relationship but she refused.
After having breakfast we drove off and took
the opposite direction from home
"Kuyiwaphi? (Where we heading to?)"
Sivuyisiwe: Kwa Busi, she asked me to hit a
round wethu
Me: Undibela ichommie ngoku (You stealing my
friend now) since I can't walk around like you
doing
She cracked into fits of laughter, gazing my way
every second
Me: Hayi ndi serious. Why are y'all hitting
rounds for each other now?
Sivuyisiwe: It's nothing big wethu
We drove to Busi's place listening to some
house music, Vhuvhu's favourite genre. We
arrived there and I was shocked by the number
of cars in the yard
Me: What are we celebrating nah?
Sivuyisiwe: Okay nam I wasn't expecting this
type of crowd.
She found space for her Mini Cooper and we
stepped inside, it was weird because with the
number of cars outside there not a sight of one
person in the yard. We knocked about two
times on the door before Vhuvhu pushed it
open, I was concentrating on my phone but
averted it to the people who started screaming
immediately when we stepped in
"Mother to be!!"
Others were wearing flower crowns, and
everybody here was dressed either in black or
olive green. I was speechless honestly and not
your tears of joy type of person or else I
would've cried.
Busi: Chomam bulela losisi (My friend, thank
this lady)
Me: Vhuvhu this is all your work?
Sivuyisiwe: All of it
She did the 360 degree turn with her hands in
the air
Me: It's beautiful ninani
Busi: And come this way, kukho a dress that's
waiting for you.
She dragged me to her bedroom so I could
change into a white dress and wear that flower
crown.
This was a beautiful surprise and probably the
best I've ever received.

Aphindiwe

Mihle refused that I take a taxi to the address

on that invitation and I knew I was going to
manage but since I been kidnapped everything
from being alone to public transport was not for
me. And I on the other hand was trying to act
normal even though deep down I knew I feared
being alone at times. Mihle was in black adidas
shorts, a black gold shirt and white Nike Roshe.
He was waiting at the door for me while I was
standing in front of the fridge, contemplating
whether to take Vitamin water or a Play. I
settled for vitamin water. When I approached
him he smiled, looking at me from head to toe
"Andifuni uhambe unje (I don't want you to go
looking like this)"
Me: It's your second time saying
Mihle: Ndiyayazi (I know)
He placed his hand over my shoulder and
brought me close, kissing the side of my head.
Mihle: You beautiful, you smell good, look like a
meal. Awufuni unxibe enye ilokhwe? (Don't you
want to wear another dress?)
Me: Hayi Fhaku, we supposed to wear black or
olive green
Mihle: What's wrong ngala jump ntoni
ubuyinxibile (with the jump something you were
wearing)?
Me: It's overrated
He pushed me against the door frame and
looked at me
"I'm late already."
Mihle: Then don't go
Me: (giggles) that's what you want kaloku
He chuckled before moving and allowing me to
step out, he locked the door and followed after
me
Mihle: Fuck
He mumbled causing me to giggle, I looked
back at him and laughed when I saw his eyes
on my legs and ass.
Mihle: But you're displaying baby
Me: What? (Giggles) how?
Mihle: Hayi, no. Andiyifuni lento (I don't want
this), no
We entered the car and enjoyed the ride. Oh, by
the way the decided not to buy the present
because if we had bought it, write it was from
Mihle everybody there would know I was still
seeing him. Well I expected her sisters to know
because there was no she hadn't told them
what brought her back home. At the back of my
mind I was hoping Mamomdala wasn't around.
Mihle kept on convincing to call him to pick me
up when everything was done because I
wouldn't dare catch a taxi late in the afternoon, I
had to agree with him so we'd move from that
conversation. We arrived at the place and there
were people outside, a couple of ladies at the
braaing stand. My heart was hammering
against my chest when Mihle stopped merely a
yard from the gate
Mihle: You'll call mos?
Me: Ewe baby
He chuckled, biting his lower lip. He did this
absentmindlely
Mihle: You never call me that
Me: I know.
Mihle: Mbaa (kiss)
I leaned in and kissed him before I opened the
door and say my goodbye. I walked in and
immediately received eyes from people, maybe
I was too formal for this event - dressed in a
black slim fit dress, brown block heels and a
brown handbag. I was still a little over
traumatized by the looks I was getting from
people dressed in jeans and chucks when I
heard someone screaming. Dividing my
attention to the voice coming from the door, I
saw an Azola jumping and screaming, looking
at me with so much excitement. I grinned,
actually happy to see her
Azola: Ndibone ezimpundu (I saw this ass) and
I knew they belong to you
Me: Suxoka!
Azola: Awutyebe (You're so fat)
She jumped on me in a hug, I enveloped her in
my arms, welcoming the warmth I didn't realize
I missed this much
Me: Hayi nyani? (Oh no for real?)
She held my other hand in the air, looking at my
curves, she nodded screaming again
"Yintoni? (What is it?)"
Azola: I fucken missed you dude. Hayi
uyabalahla abantu (You abandon people)
Me: I'm sorry man.
Azola: Vhuvhu has got to see you
She dragged me inside, going on about how
much she was extremely mad at me that I took
out my personal problems on her too. She was
asking people about Vhuvhu's whereabouts and
we were directed to the kitchen. Immediately
when we stepped into the kitchen I spotted
Sivuyisiwe standing over a huge Tupperware
bowl
Azola: Vhuvhu look who I found looking lost
outside
Sivuyisiwe looked our way and instantly smiled,
she washed her hands in the sink and walked
up to us
Sivuyisiwe: Baby girl!
Me: Baby girl!
She hugged me, not wanting to let go
Sivuyisiwe: Bendingacingi uba uzoza yazi (I
didn't think you were going to come hey)
Me: I have no right to be here
Sivuyisiwe: Nonsense man. Come,
awulambanga? (Aren't you hungry?)
Me: Hayi (No)
She pulled me towards the fridge anyway, with
Azola by my side, she took out a glass jar with a
thick orange flavoured juice, she rinsed a glass
and poured me a full glass, handing it to me
with a blueberry muffin
"Has uNomtha seen you?"
Me: Ha.a (No)
Sivuyisiwe: She doesn't know you were on the
guest list so let me go talk to her kuqala (first)
I nodded before following Azola outside where
she was sitting with a friend of hers nabanye
oosisi (with other ladies). She got me a camp
chair and placed it next to hers, not far from the
braaing stand
Azola: So uthi what happened to you? Umama
is affected by you non presence and not visiting
at all ke sana
Me: I feel so terrible. I mean how I face
Mamomdala noTatomdala after what happened?
Azola: Start by talking to them
I pulled a face at her
"My parents aren't as bad and strict. Just so
you know."
Me: It would never be easy. I mean they know I
slept with their son-in-law. How disheartening.
Inoba kushota kufakwe ifamily meeting qha
ngoku (I'm sure what's left is a family meeting
now)
She shrugged her shoulders, looking at the text
she just received on her phone
Azola: I have some friends abezayo (that are
coming) so they asking for directions. But
umama wants to welcome you back in the
house regardless, you're family after all
Me: Utatomdala?
Azola: My father doesn't say much but I'm
pretty sure he feels the same way.
Me: Hopefully
Azola: Khabuye man (just come back)
She kept on advising me on how to tackle the
matter since she knew her parents better. We
spoke about a lot of things, from my scandal to
her abortion which actually shocked the living
hell in me. Right now we were waiting at the
gate for these friends she friends she talking
about, a white Golf 6 pulled over and two guys
came out, with a girl. We walked over and I was
introduced to Luvo, Simthandile and Zama.
Azola leaded them inside before Vhuvhu called
us
"I spoke to Nomtha ke bhabha."
Me: Thanks
Sivuyisiwe: So she knows you are here. No
more worries
Me: You're the bestest
She laughed walking away before she stopped
and shouted
"And funeke sithethe (we need to talk)"
I nodded before following Azola who was
pulling me towards her friends. Simthandile, the
owner of the car, was her so called boyfriend,
well at least she was hoping it would come to
that. She informed me that for now they were
shagging and he hasn't mentioned anything
about them dating. The guys were nice and
fresh, your 1990s and 1991s but babezi (they
were) fuck boys. I eavesdropped on them
talking about going out for drinks after this
baby shower and I wasn't sure if I could but
those were news for another hour.

Most of the time I was on whatsApp with Mihle,

laughing at his complaints about how bored he
was alone in the house. I told him to go to
Bulelani but learnt that he was currently out of
the country, and Nkulie was out with his new
girlfriend. I was still mingling in the
conversation when my phone rang, I excused
myself after seeing the caller ID
"Fhaku."
Mihle: I'm on my way there
I probably looked like I had seen a ghost or two
Me: For what?
Mihle: Sivuyisiwe called me, uthi there's that
moment where I have to burst a ballon to see if
it's a girl or boy we expecting.
Me: But we know it's it's boy
Mihle: Not everybody apparently. But
andizohlala (I won't stay)
Me: Wow okay
Mihle: Chill baby qha wanted to let you know
Me: Okay.
I hung up and tried calming my nerves. I
returned to the circle and was offered a piece of
meat by Luvo from the meat platter they were
holding. We were asked to gather inside at the
lounge for a quick activity, we were going to
play guessing game on the baby's gender. But
before we started we had to wait for baby's to
arrive, and he did a couple of minutes after we
were seated, he walked in with Nkululeko and
some dark bone girl, that must be his girlfriend.
The MC of the event introduced Mihle and
asked a person to bring him a chair, he sat next
to Nomtha
"Tata wakhe, silapha mos because of this
beautiful hump you've given lentombi wakwa
Dabula. So we welcome you nevisitors zakho."
He nodded, looking at the lady who was
selected as MC
"So sizodlala a guessing game on the baby's
gender before you pop that big black ballon to
reveal the baby's sex. Guys if kuvele those small
pieces of papers ezi pink and purple then it's a
girl, if ziblue it's a boy."
I couldn't get my eyes off him and
Nomthandazo, how he was smiling at her while
she was talking to him. Someone in the crowd
mentioned something about the baby being a
boy because he had to look like the dad and
they want him as a ben 10. The closer the turn
was coming to me the more nervous I got and
when it finally did I prayed Nomthandazo
wouldn't say anything after my introduction
Me: I am...
MC: Hayi shukuma bhabha (No stand up love)
I stood up and cleared my throat, well
everybody did stand when they introduced
themselves
"Ndingu Aphindiwe Dabula and I think the baby
is a boy."
Mihle had his eyes on me, half smiling while
Nomthandazo looked like she could pull out a
gun and shoot me. I let out a soft sigh when it
was the next person's chance. Well like some of
had expected, the unborn child was a boy. Mihle,
along with his visitors were served food first so
they could leave, I was heading to the bathroom
when Nkulie called me
Nkululeko: Ntwana
Me: Hello Bhuti
Nkululeko: Awumhle (You're so beautiful)
Me: Uyandazi ntwana (You know me boy)
I retreated to the bathroom, trying to avoid
staring at Mihle and Nomthandazo who were
posing for pictures before her friends and
sisters joined her. I was outside, standing with
Azola's friends when Nkululeko, his girl and
Mihle stepped out being escorted by Sivuyisiwe
and Nomthandazo. He passed me a look before
Nkulie approached me and dragged me from
the crowd, he took the chicken wing from my
plate and told me Mihle wanted to talk to me
before they left.
We pretended to be chatting with each other
but didn't get a chance because Nomtha walked
her man to his car, made sure he was in and
called Nkulie to come through so they could
leave
"Ntwana tell Mihle to call me instead."
Nkululeko nodded and walked off. Nomtha only
stepped back into the yard once Mihle's was far
in distance. She walked past me, pushing her
tummy out, she flashed Mihle's watch as she
walked pass me, giving me a deadly look. I
found myself chuckling ridiculously, hayi sana
ndandise kunyeni.
161 Entry

Mihle

To cease any drama I just didn't force talking to

Aphindiwe with Nomtha around or else that
party would have gone from all the fun it had to
some war in the Cape. What I did however, was
to call Phindi on my way to dropping
Nkululeko's girlfriend off. She didn't pick so I
tried her again and this time, after the third ring
she answered
"Bhuti."
I found myself smiling at the sound of that, not
because it was respectful but because it was
damn cute and rare
Me: Baby, jonga xa ndibuya from where I'm
heading ndizodlula ngawe (Baby, look when I
return from where I'm heading I'll pass and pick
up you)
Aphindiwe: Alright.
Me: Be ready then
Aphindiwe: Baby?
"Mmmm?"
Aphindiwe: uAzola wanted me to go out nabo
tonight for some drinks and since I haven't been
out naye for so long I was thinking why not.
Me: Can we talk about this ufika kwam (when I
get there)?
Aphindiwe: We won't have the chance
Me: We'll make it.
She kept quiet for a while before getting to me. I
hung up right after she did
Nkululeko: Uyayivha leway (You really feel this
girl)
Me: Ugrand. For me
Nkululeko: Ndiyabona (I see) but I'm not sure if
ndiyayincanywa lomntu (I like the person) she's
turning you into
Me: Nobody changes me
Nkululeko looked at me with a brow raised and
chuckled
"Ndiyakwazi Miles, sizuka kude. And zonke ezi
no blood shedding shit uzifundiswa nguPhindi (I
know you Miles, we come a long way. And all
these no blood shedding shit you being taught
by Phindi)"
Me: So andikwazi utshintsha uba ndifuna? (so I
can't change because I want to?)
Nkululeko: Not wena. I like her yena, kakhulu
but she met up nawe ngexesha eliwrongo (with
you at the wrong time).
I looked at him before looking ahead of me
again
"Jonga ngoku you losing focus on a lot of
things."
Me: You sound like a therapy doctor I'm paying
Nkululeko: You tryna make me feel ridiculous
for what I just said
I shrugged my shoulder and looked at his girl on
the rare mirror, she was on her phone. Maybe if
he truly did love her, and she did to him what
Aphindiwe was doing to me, he'd later
understand. I refused to accept that I was
changing because Phindi changed me, no I was
changing because I wanted to, I wanted to be a
better person for her. There was still a long way
to go though, out of a hundred, I was still at 2%.
We dropped off his girl who lived about fifteen
minutes from where the baby shower was held,
we drove back talking business. He ended up
telling me to let Phindi go out for once, I didn't
even spend time with them anymore, he even
doubted that I drank anymore. I informed him
that I did but with my lady, in the house then
we'd do what drunk people did at night clubs to
each other. I ended up giving in to the idea of
drinking out with them but a part of me wanted
to take Aphindiwe with. I called Phindi when we
were two streets away from the venue and told
her to wait outside for me, she did leaving her
handbag inside. She got inside the car, at the
back and gave me puppy eyes when I turned to
look at her
Me: Uthi niyaphi? (You say where you guys
going?)
Aphindiwe: I don't know yet Fhaku but out for
the night
Me: Ubuye nini endlini? (And when do you return
home?)
She shrugged her shoulders and smiled at me. I
been keeping a straight face this whole time
and finally smiled
"And I won't get drunk."
I tilted my head at her
Aphindiwe: I promise
Nkululeko: Hamba bhabha. He's being hard on
you for shit lo
I punched him on the stomach and listened to
him hiss and curse at me
Me: I'll call you.
Aphindiwe: I know
Me: I have to know where you've gone to so
you'll send me location ufika kwenu (when you
arrive there)
She nodded
"And I'm picking you up."
She nodded again, leaning in to kiss me. I gave
her a baby kiss then pulled back
Aphindiwe: Now let me go before your woman
sees us.
I narrowed my eyes at her, she laughed before
saying her goodbyes to Nkululeko then stepped
out of the car. I looked at her as she walked into
the yard, my body and mind not accepting the
fact that she was going out. I sighed,
accelerating my car
Me: Ndiyamcingela (I worry about her)
Nkululeko: Ya. Kunyanzelekile Mpinch, after
what happened.
Me: I still feel responsible
Nkululeko: Myeke aphume (allow her to go out),
maybe she wants to forget.
Me: Ngophuma? (By going out?)
"By being normal."
I kept quiet, stopping at the robots
Nkululeko: Umvalela kakhulu man chap
lamntana (You keep the child indoors a lot man
bruh).
There were many reasons why I respected
Nkululeko, inside and outside of work and there
were also a couple I had those rare fights with
him. He understood me, he knew that on the
outside world he was a brother to me but at
work he was my employee and I was his boss,
he didn't try going beyond that for the eight
years I have been working with him. Bulelani
was also my employee but he did have jobs of
his own on the side, and because of the age
difference and maturity, I respected that man
like a father and elder brother. We drove
continuing with our business talk before
reaching my house, he was making calls on the
other boys, his boys precisely, whom we often
chilled with. He was trying to get some meat
and drinks together so we'd have a braai going
on and it worked because I heard him say
something about girls over the phone, on his
way to the bathroom while I was in my room. I
was changing into long navy jeans, my Gucci
shoes, kept the white t-shirt then grabbed my
leather jacket.
Me: What girls are y'all organizing?
Nkululeko: Girls to fuck obviously
He shouted from the bathroom before flushing
the toilet. I was standing in front of the mirror
trying to get my outfit perfectly together. Too
bad I was too neat for other people, from the
way I dressed and smelt, to the way my house
looked, as well as the way my sheets smelt.
Nkululeko walked and stood at the entrance of
the door, leaning on its frame
"Done?"
Me: Yeah
Nkululeko: Let's go eat some booty!
I found myself smiling at that, and the only
reason I plastered the smile on my face was
because what he had just said didn't excite like
it used to. After hooping into my ride we made
our way to the second overly crowded township
in Cape Town, kwaLanga. We drove in between
the busy streets of this township, heading to
the suburb area, where Kwanele owned a house.
When we arrived at his gate both Nkulie and
myself were taken by surprise ob how they had
organised girls in a matter of thirty minutes, or
they must have been chilling with these ladies
kakade. I turned off the engine of my car and
stepped out, holding my glass which had a
dashed Glenfiddich. Nkululeko took the
coolerbox with him and walked through the
gate, leaving me behind making a phone call to
Aphindiwe
Me: Niphi ngoku? (Where you guys now?)
Aphindiwe: Still here
Me: Tell me uphuma kwenu (tell me when y'all
leave).
She agreed, telling me how much she loved me
before I ended the call. I made my way to the
crowd and greeted the guys first before turning
to the amount of ladies that were sitting on
camp chairs. The night passed by smooth, with
me chatting to my baby who had reported to me
that she was currently at Chez Ntemba.
Nkululeko had gone with my car to get more
bottles, he left with three girls and another
laaitie. There was a girl here by the name Lisa
whom I haven't seen hold a can of the Castle
lite and Hunters Dry these ladies were drinking
so I inquired her, just curious enough to why
she wasn't consuming any alcohol
"Because I'm not allowed to get drunk."
Was her response. I pulled in a camp chair and
sat in front of her
Me: Ngoba? (Why?)
Lisa: Well ndayeka usela (Well I stopped
drinking)
Me: Did you stop drinking or you aren't allowed
to drink?
Lisa: Both
Me: I'm more interested kule yoba you aren't
allowed. Is everything okay at home?
She laughed, really hard, placing her hand over
her mouth as she did.
Lisa: Hayi toro sundijonga kanjalo (don't look at
me like that)
Me: Ndikulindile uba ugqibe uhleka (I'm waiting
for you to stop laughing)
She poked her other friend and sort of told her I
was creeping her out, which was ridiculous
honestly because all I was doing was wearing a
straight face waiting for her to finish laughing.
She cleared her throat and smiled, I had taken
note of her dimples for about an hour now
Lisa: Well indoda yam (My man), in fact my ex
to be doesn't want to see me drunk or drinking.
She shrugged her shoulders and I just stared at
her. That was a lot of bullshit
"He doesn't want to see you drunk."
She nodded
Me: And when he does what happens?
Lisa: Uyandibetha (He hits me)
Me: Unangaphi? (How old are you?)
Lisa: (giggles) hayi ke. This has got nothing to
do with age
Me: It does.
She shook her head refusing to tell me, I
nodded before getting up.
Me: I'm not done apha. We still have a lot to talk
about.
I wanted to have an innocent conversation with
her and what triggered it was her not allowed to
drink because her boyfriend said so. Nkulie
came back with more booze and a bottle of
Hennessey and another Glenfiddich for us. I
wanted to drive and fetch Aphindiwe so I didn't
have to go to town again so I slowed down
when I felt I was becoming tipsy. I returned to
Lisa and actually dwelled on the conversation
her and I were having before she didn't want to
tell me her age. She was withholding it from me
still
"I'm just curious."
Was my response when she asked what it was I
wanted to do with her age
Lisa: Well I'm old enough to be yours.
My lips parted as I looked at her. I laid back on
the chair and kept my eyes on her before
chuckling
Me: I already have what's mine
Lisa: And who said you can't have two?
I bit on my lower lip and watched how her eyes
dropped to me lips then she gestured her legs,
one on top of the other. I slowly picked myself
up from the camp chair and stepped closer to
her, balancing on each side of the camp chair
she was seated on. I moved in, enclosing the
space between her face and my chest, I lowered
my head and found her ear
"Because she satisfies me like I have two
already."
Lisa: Then have three
I chuckled, not having expected myself to like
this conversation this much
Me: You too soft for me. You wouldn't handle a
round even if I gave it to you
She giggled before bringing her hand up to my
neck
Lisa: You smell good
Me: You don't smell bad yourself
I pulled back and looked at her, she was biting
her tongue, smiling at me, her dimples not
telling a lie
"Then ndiphe le round"
Me: I'd probably have you admitted tomorrow
morning because I'd start ngezompundu uhleli
ngazo (with that ass you sitting on)
I laughed how her face went from charming to
shocked in a split second, I kept a straight face
at her then only pulled back when she didn't talk.
I went back to the gents and joined in the
conversation. Her eyes weren't leaving me, and
yes I noticed this because I kept on looking her
way. Right after we had some neat I drove to
Cape Town to go get my better half, I had told
her I was on my way to fetching her.
We returned to Langa to a bigger crowd and
more meat which was being spiced inside the
house. That dimpled girl wasn't around when I
returned but later did come back, dressed in
black leggings, pink cute jacket and a Superstar.
We didn't have much conversation after Phindi
arrived, well that's only because I wasn't
planning on making her my third, forth nor fifth.
If I were I would have, with or without Aphindiwe
around but I was more than satisfied and okay
with what I had.
I was now squatting in between Aphindiwe's
legs having a chat with her, she wanted to leave.
And being the spoilt brat that she was, she
wouldn't take no for an answer so we had to
leave. She stood up, fixing her dress and my
jacket which was over her shoulders
Kwanele: Niyavaya ngoku? (Y'all are leaving
now?)
Me: Yeah. Mam'Gabavu ufuna ulala
(Mam'Gabavu wants to sleep)
Nkululeko had already sorted his transport
issues so we left without him. We arrived at
home, took a warm innocent shower and slept.

Sunday morning we had laid in bed, in each

others arms up until past 12 in the noon, when
she complained about being hungry. We had a
fruit mix with ultra Mel earlier but that was a
light meal
Me: Eat out or here?
Aphindiwe: Ndonqena uphuma (I'm lazy to go
out)
Me: So order in
Aphindiwe: Or we can cook again
I looked at her and shook my head, she pouted
"Please."
Me: If only you cooking
Aphindiwe: Hayike Mihle
Me: Not in the mood nje Mambhele
Aphindiwe: Upheka kamnandi nje (You cook
nice
I laid on my side and stared into her eyes, she
was smiling at me, her eyes almost closed
"We eating out."
I kissed her lips and jumped off the bed. She
was looking at me as I took the pillow that was
on the floor and threw it at her
Aphindiwe: Hayi order in ke.
Me: Good girl
Aphindiwe: Mxm
I turned and looked at her, she had her eyes
wide open
Me: What was that
Aphindiwe: Nothing
I took steps towards the bed and tucked my
hands under the covers from the bottom and
grabbed her legs, pulling her towards me. She
was giggling, trying to free herself. I removed
the covers over her body and positioned myself
ontop of her
Me: I'm waiting
Aphindiwe: (giggles) uxolo
Me: Uxolo bani? (Sorry who?
Aphindiwe: Fhaku wam
I kissed her chin and nose then removed myself
from ontop of her. She was saying something
as I made my way to the bathroom, I took a loo
then ran the water in the shower. We had a
quick shower then helped each other with
cleaning the house, she did our laundry using
the washing machine. We were now sitting at
the long couch, with her sitting across so her
legs were ontop of my thighs, having the Triple
Decker she ordered
Aphindiwe: I will have to go back ires mos at the
beginning of October?
I passed her a look before concentrating my
attention on the Fifa 16 I was playing. She
punched my shoulder
Aphindiwe: Haibo awuzondiphendula? (Oh so
you won't answer me?)
Me: Can this be a conversation for another day?
Aphindiwe: Hayi (no)
Me: We're a damn month away from October.
We got plenty of time
Aphindiwe: No
I paused the game on the joystick I was holding
and looked at her
"Kaloku when I'm here I barely have time for my
books because you always have this nice body
over me."
Me: (chuckles) And so, just tell me kaloku that
you want to study then I promise to leave you
alone
Aphindiwe: That's not possible with you
Me: We could make it possible
Aphindiwe: Lies
I laughed, about to answer her when my phone
rang, she passed it to me avoiding to look at the
screen. It was the woman I received my looks
from
Me: First lady
Mama: Hello Nkwenkwe, UnjAni? (How are you?)
Me: Perfect wena first lady?
Mama: Ndiright. Sigqibele nini uthetha? (I'm
alright. When last did we talk?
Me: Thursday Ma, why
Mama: Thixo wam, ingathi bekukudala (it
seems like long ago
Me: (laughs) uyatefa kengoku
Mama: Yhe King
Me: Queen?
"Bendizokuxelela uba uTamnci kukho umcimbi
awenzayo nge month end yale nyanga.
Khazame ke boy ubekhona (I was going to tell
you that your uncle has a ritual ceremony he's
doing this month end. Try and be here boy)."
My mother and I had a longer conversation thab
expected before she passed the phone over to
Zizipho who wouldn't stop telling me about how
umama was abusing her, sending her all over
so I needed to get them a maid. Right after the
phone call I went back to playing the game on
my Xbox while I told Aphindiwe that I was
probably taking her home earlier than I
expected. She was going on about how unready
she was, and that I couldn't take her at a
ceremony where my whole family would be
present, what if they asked her questions, some
things I haven't told her about myself.

We ended the night in cuddles and small kisses.

Monday morning we did the usual, and the
exact same in the afternoon. Returned home
and she typed some assignment while I tuned
on CNA and sport news, trying to catch up on
what I had missed. We had umvubo (pap and
sour milk) that day because I had craved it. That
week passed by like a breeze; work smooth, my
relationship even better and back at the yard we
had caught the two culprits, my only problem
was them not opening their mouths to tell me
whom it was they worked for. I didn't plan on
getting violent but they were leaving me no
choice, because even after being tortured they
still remained silent. I was standing in front of
them, with their weak bodies tied in chains
against the steel chairs.
Me: So you motherfuckers won't talk?
They kept quiet, only breathing heavy because
of the bleeding wounds on their bodies. I aimed
the first one and he closed his eyes, the other
one was looking at me like I wouldn't do it. I
fired the first shot and he let out a soul tearing
scream when the bullet pierced through his
thigh
"Fuuuuck!"
I fixed my weapon and aimed at him again, his
friend spit before he stopped me
"Fuck man. Just stop okay!"
Me: Talk
"Andrew Van Wyk sent us here okay."
I chuckled before laughing out loud.
Me: You mean Drew?
"Yeah. It's not your fucken damn business he
wants, it's your girl. But anything to distract you
from her."
I laughed again before nodding and holding my
chin
Me: Smart move. He's a stupid motherfucker.
I threw Nkululeko the gun before heading for
the door.
Me: Make sure these fuckeries know what will
happen to them if they ever tell Drew that they
fucken mentioned his names!
It was actually the dumbest move he has ever
made and he knew it, him and I never ate of the
same plate. He never touched my booty, I never
touched his and now he was trying, and not just
any booty but the one I could say I was really in
love with. What he wanted from her was deep
to have him send people to distracts my works
at the yard.
I returned home to a cooking Aphindiwe, that
was because I hadn't taken long at the yard that
day. She prepared country veggies, grilled
chicken and some rice with lentils. The plate
would have been better if it wasn't for the meat
which lacked salt and wasn't properly seasoned
but because it was her effort I ate, informing
her on what to do next time she attempted
cooking it.

I was laying on her flat tummy in bed, throwing

my car keys in the air and caught them every
time they reached my hands. She was telling
me about the problem her relatives in Port
Elizabeth were facing, the Asanda cousin and
her elder cousin who was still imprisoned and
refused bail. She too didn't know what he was
impriosned for but she promised to at least get
me to meet Asanda when we were in Port
Elizabeth so I can get in full details what the
problem was. I was still playing with my car
keys when I found myself doing what I told
myself about a hundred times that I wouldn't do
Me: Nhanha?
Aphindiwe: You need to stop using that name.
Uzokubetha David (David will hit you)
Me: (chuckles) Haisoka. When last did you talk
to Andrew?
She stopped breathing. I knew this because her
tummy stopped moving
Aphindiwe: Why?
Me: Ndiphendule Aphindiwe (Answer me
Aphindiwe)
Aphindiwe: The day you came phaya kwa
Kimberley
Me: Before or after me?
She kept quiet for a while
"After."
I moved away from her, I needed to see her face
right now
Me: So right after I saw you, you saw Andrew.
Aphindiwe: No. Why are we even talking about
Andrew?
Me: Because I want to talk about him
She sighed and placed her phone next to the
pillow she was laying on. She sat up, crossing
her legs
Aphindiwe: There was something he brought to
Kim so wandibona then asked if ndinjani (how
I'm doing)that's it. It wasn't a private meeting
Me: Lie again
Aphindiwe: Andixoki Mihle! (I'm not lying Mihle)
Me: Don't become defensive if you've got
nothing to hide.
She threw her hands in the air and dropped her
jaw
"Wow dude. Nyani?"
Me: Look at me
Aphindiwe: You are jus...
Me: Look at me
The tone of authority and instruction in my
voice made her stop talking and look at me, I
wasn't yelling at her but I was getting angry
because I knew she was lying
Me: I'm not fighting with you.
Aphindiwe: But you're accusing me
Me: I just asked you a question and you lied.
She looked at me and said nothing. Not
objecting, meaning she did in fact lie to me
Me: Wayeyokwenzani uAndrew phaya? (What
was Andrew going to do there?) Because I know
for a fact that he doesn't go see his sister
everyday so what would have created the
coincidence that he does when you're around?
Aphindiwe: He asked to see me
Me: And you agreed?
She kept quiet and looked at me. I can tell she
was internally praying that I don't lose my
temper
"What has he promised you?"
Aphindiwe: Nothing
Me: Then what do you want from him?
Aphindiwe: Nothing
I chuckled, this response was working on my
nerves. I removed myself from the bed and
went over hairdresser. You wouldn't continue
talking and seeing somebody when there was
nothing you wanted from them.
Me: I don't know what you guys have spoke
about, what you talk about, what you have
planned but do inform him that he's testing the
wrong waters
Aphindiwe: What did he do?
Me: Worry for him?
She sighed lowly and looked at her hands
before lifting her eyes to me.
I walked over to the light switch and turned it
off, the room receiving light from the lamps. I
tucked myself under the bed and waited for her
to do the same, when she did she faced the
other side, bringing her back towards me. I
scooted closer to her and encircled my arm
around her waist, I pulled her in.
"If I hear thar you still talking to him you won't
like what I'll do to you. Uyandichaphukazi
(You're making me angry), and you'll get a
reaction for it."
I placed a kiss on her shoulders and caressed
her thigh. Just because we had this
conversation didn't mean I was pissed enough
not to hold her close to me. I was just letting
her know that the attention she has been asking
for would be delivered, if I ever heard that she
has spoken with Andrew again.
162 Entry

Aphindiwe

When I woke up the following morning I woke

up to a happy Mihle, something I wasn't
expecting. Whenever he had a conversation that
worked on his nerves the previous day, he woke
up moody and at his worst. I guess he meant it
when he said he wasn't fighting and clearly I
was the only one worrying apha. I took my
phone and deleted Andrew's number, that's the
least I could do because I did catch the hint that
even if he was not fighting, he meant every
single word. Having being told that he's a
recovering man from beating women up, I don't
want to get him angry.
He walked in, fixing the cuffs of his shirt. Well
today he wasn't dressed in his uniform because
he wasn't going to work, there was a meeting he
and a colleague were attending on behalf of
whoever that men's is he mentioned yesterday.
Since he was going to represent the CEO, who
was currently in DRC, he was asked to formal
and not his work piece. I stood and walked over
to him, I was already dressed myself, in tight
bleach black jeans, a suede maroon body suit
and my black, suede gladiator pump. I fixed his
shirt at the back while he was busy getting his
tie right in front of the mirror
Me: Sele usitya? (You eating already?)
He nodded, still chowing what smelt like cereal.
He walked over to his wardrobe and in the suit
container he pulled out a black coat, which
fitted him up the length of his knee. When he
put it on I found myself drooling over him, he
was heavenly dude, more like your hotter
Shauna Ferguson.
Me: You look so much like Ghost
Mihle: From Power?
Me: Yep. Kaloku nguye umntu (He's the person)
who dresses like this
He pulled me in and placed a kiss on my
forehead before he grabbed my butt
"I'm doing better than him."
I blushed and refrained from snuggling my face
in his chest, I'd stain his white shirt with my
make-up
Me: You doing better than him nyani
He cupped my face and placed a kiss on my lips,
I grabbed his coat and pulled him closer, he
obliged.
Mihle: You're getting me in the mood
I pulled back laughing at him but he grabbed me
by putting a hand around my waist. He pushed
me against the wall and kissed me, seductively
this time. I tried not holding his shirt and kept
my hands on his coat but my hands failed me.
He unbuttoned my pants and unzipped it, I
lowered it, enough for him to get his hand
through. I smiled in between our kiss when he
reached my vaginal area and realised he had to
unbutton the body suit too, he mumbled
something under his breath while kissing me.
The body suit was easy, since he had me
pinned against the wall, his whole body on mine
and if it wasn't for my jeans I would have lifted
my left leg and placed it on his waist even
though I knew it would have been impossible to
do so because this man was tall. He moved my
panties to the side and I laid my head on his
chest when his finger made contact with my
temple. He brought his middle finger up to his
mouth and licked it before he got back to my
temple and pushed it in. The anxiety and
excitement that left my body had me standing
on one toe, he dug deeper making me lay my
head against the wall and pull closer even
though the gap between us was closed already.
When he pushed in a second finger, my body
suit was up to my neck, I was playing with my
boobs while he was kissing and pleasuring me.
As if what he doing wasn't enough he picked
me up, using one arm and lifted me enough to
have my feet leave the ground a couple of
inches. He hadn't stopped doing what He was
doing but he just wanted it to be a closer to him
so he could finger fuck me better. I had my legs
hanging because my pants was still holding
them together, I couldn't stretch them open for
him. He placed me down and pulled out his
fingers, his craft hard inside his pants. He was
kissing me and let out a soft moan when I
traced his private area over his pants. He turned
me around and had me face the wall, I thought
it was my ass he wanted since it was favourite
part too but as he was placing kisses on my
neck and nibbling with my earlope, he pushed in
his two fingers in me again. Now ladies, we all
know anything done from the back is amazing,
be it sex, being muffed or finger fucked, it just
felt better than when you were receiving it from
the front.
"Ahhh."
I said softly, wishing he was at least in front of
my so I can hold him. My ass pushed, touching
his front part and since it was big, he was only
making contact with my ass and my neck, my
back was arched and didn't touch his chest. I
started moving on the rhythm of his hand, more
like grinding on it, that's how good he was at
this thing. He moved his other hand from my
waist to my mouth and stuck his thumb in my
mouth, I sucked and bit on it trying not to moan
but it wasn't helping. From the sound my baby
made I could tell I was more wet, and the warm
feeling of my juices on my thighs was telling
more. He finally stopped and pressed me
against the wall, his breathing silent yet heavy. I
could feel his big bulge against my butt
Mihle: Inoba ndishwabene (I bet I'm creased)
and we probably late
His voice was husky, it needed him to clear his
throat first
Me: (giggles) Uxolo
He pulled out his finger and spanked my butt
before he turned Me around and kissed me
again. He pulled back when I was starting to
fiddle with his shirt again. He went to the
bathroom and came back wiping his wet hands
with a towel, he came over to me and placed
the towel between my thighs
Me: You're doing it wrong.
Mihle: What?
Me: (giggles) what I mean is you aren't wiping
the right part. You're irritating my clit ngale
fabric yale towel
Mihle: In a good way?
He had a smirk on his face, I pushed him away
laughing. He took off his coat and shirt which
unfortunately had some make up marks. As I
was fixing my pants my eyes wouldn't leave the
bulge in his pants which would probably make
me feel ten times more good. The chills and
goosebumps I got from just looking at him were
insane, certain parts were getting excited
already. I think I might have been looking long
enough because he finally looked my way then
cocked a brow
"Get that look off your face."
Me: What look?
Mihle: The look that will have me late for work
He took out another clean shirt and ironed it in
the kitchen quickly, we weren't late but we'd run
out of time if he weren't doing things faster. He
was ironing while eating, and I was eating while
chatting to him. He preferred doing his ironing
himself because he believes I wouldn't iron his
clothes the way he wanted them ironed.

We left the house ten to eight, and he was

driving so he'd at least make half past at work.
From Belmar to Stellenbosch was a 45 minutes
drive but that day he took approximately twenty-
seven minutes. I gave him a kiss before
stepping out of the car, holding a Jungle Oats
chocolate bar and a can of Just Juice. That
afternoon I wasn't going to see him during his
lunch hour because he would still be at Mossel
Bay, attending the meeting he was dressed for.
Before my first session at ten o'clock I found
myself a seat at the library and finished off my
assignment and submitted it electronically. It
was one of the few days when I brought my
laptop to school. As usual I spent half of my
days with my two girls and because I still had
tons of thousands from my monthly allowance
at town when Luthando and myself were done
with classes, we persuaded Kim not to attend
her last session so we'd go to Mugg and Bean
to have something to eat. These girls, as well as
my man, were the reasons I was gaining weight
and it was starting to look unattractive, my
booty and curves were all over the place.
We were now seated at a table for three at
Mugg and Bean talking amongst each other
while we waited for our orders.
Me: So girls...
They both looked at me, Luthando placing her
phone on the table next to the cocktail jar
"So I'm going to PE month end."
Kimberley: Vir wat? (For what?)
Me: Mihle's inviting me over to his...
Before I could finish Kim choked on her cocktail,
stopping me from talking. Luthando patted her
back until she regain her full conscious
Kimberley: He did what?!
Luthando: Ungxolelani? (Why you making a
noise?)
Kimberley: Tsek wena I'm just shocked
Me: I am too
She clapped her hands twice before she looked
at me smiling
"Baby which soap are you using? Is it the green
bar?"
I laughed, really hard, followed by Thando
Kimberley: No like I want to know guys, maybe
it's the soap you using
Me: I'm using "Inhlanhla", "Uthando lwakho" type
of soaps
She laughed, clapping her hands
Kimberley: Loot, we should get ourselves those
Luthando: (giggles) Are you ready though? To
see his family?
Me: No but he's giving me no choice
Kimberley: He's being an ass again
Me: (giggles) basically
Luthando: You've got the guy hooked
Me: And it's all funny because at first it seemed
like it was all for the sex
Kimberley started dancing and singing like I had
just told her I was getting married
Kimberley: It's so sexy. To win over over fucken
bad boy then actually have him get soft for you
I shook my head, that man was far from being
soft
Me: He ain't soft, he's just falling that's it.
Luthando: Look at you blush
I covered my face with my hands and giggled
"Guys he just knows how to do that
boyfriending thing."
Kim nodded, agreeing with me
Kimberley: He's husband material.
Loot and myself looked at her, our mouths
hanging
Kimberley: I know I don't want to get married
but I can spot husband material from afar
Me: I don't want to get married either
Luthando: With the pacing you moving, you will
I looked at her, she was about to talk but was
cut by the waiter who placed a plate in front of
her and Kim
Waiter: I'm bringing yours in a sec Ma'am
Kimberley: Did this guy just sat sex?!
"Sec Kim!"
Luthando and I shouted simultaneously, she
started laughing
Me: Xolo Bhuti wethu, ligeza lentombi (Sorry
bruh, this girl is crazy)
Waiter: It's okay
He assured me smiling before he left and
returned with my plate. We dived in while talking
about this month end, I was very anxious and
nervous yayingathi kuthwa ndihamba ngomso
(it was as though I was leaving tomorrow). I
even lost track of time and was only reminded
that it was after when he called telling me he's
outside campus
Me: Ndise Mall Fhaku, at Mugg and Bean
Mihle: Why didn't you text me and tell me?
Me: I'm sorry
He hung up without saying anything afterwards.
I needed to get used to this reporting thing, he
hated it when I didn't tell him about my
whereabouts. We were on our second jars of
cocktails, our half eaten plates in front of us. He
walked through and stood at the door on a
phone call, I lifted my hand to signal him and he
saw me but remained where he was standing.
Kimberley started talking about the three ladies
at the door that were at him
Me: Yep, they talking about him
Kimberley: He makes more heads turn in a
room more than you do
Me: That's so mean, I'm not so bad.
She laughed when I rolled my eyes at her
"Ek weet (I know) chomma but that right there
is bloody fine."
He finally made his way to our table and walked
over to my side, he stood over me and placed a
kiss on my forehead. Kimberley moved her
plates next to LootLove and changed seats
Mihle: Thanks
He sat and placed his phone, car keys and
wallet on the table
"Girls."
Kimberley: We ladies
He narrowed his eyes at her and smiled
Mihle: Miss Kh...
Kimberley: Kimberley
He laughed and raised his eyebrows at her, it
was so evident he was going to say Khamila.
Mihle: Kimberley. Miss Van Wyk
Kimberley: Good day sir
Mihle: Luthando
Luthando: Hey
He turned to me and spoke in a low voice
"Then why don't you text me and tell awukho
seskolweni? (tell that you aren't at school?)"
Me: I'm sorry
Mihle: I don't like carelessness.
Me: I know, I'm sorry.
He opened his mouth and accepted the fork
which had a piece of steak, some mushrooms
and French fries. I noticed how those girls at
the door were throwing glances at our table,
probably concluding that I was using him for
money while giving him the booty. That was the
sad world we lived in today, people couldn't be
happy together without society drawing
assumptions about them being together.
Me: The call you were making at the door, must
have a confidential one
He gave a suppressed laughed before he leaned
in and gave me a baby kiss
Mihle: Jealous?
Me: Just asking
Mihle: It was business baby
Me: Awufuni ntotya? (Don't you want something
to eat?)
He shook his head
"Maybe a drink."
We called the waiter and ordered something
cold for Mihle. We sat there, finishing off our
meals while he was drinking the glass of iced
whiskey he ordered
Mihle: So Khamila where's your brother?
I turned my head his way and looked, knowing
where that question was going
Kimberley: (rolls eyes) I don't know
Mihle: How often do you guys talk?
Kimberley: Like always since he's my brother
Mihle: And about his girlfriends?
I was praying he doesn't take this conversation
where I was convinced it was going and since I
knew how much of a straight talker he was, he'd
probably tell Kim the exact same thing he told
me last night
"Never. I don't have to know whom he's
fucking."
Mihle: You too raw. Fix your language
Kimberley: What the fuu...
Mihle: You beautiful to spitting out shit
Her mouth hung open as she looked at him, that
was before she rolled her eyes at him and
emptied her jar
Kimberley: You rude.
Mihle: I know
He was smirking at her
Kimberley: Babe, your man's full of himself
Mihle: She knows
She ignored him completely and tried
pretending like he didn't exist. Every time Mihle
was around she acted like, it must have been
the crush she had on him. It was cute but she
needed to get over it and treat him like any
other guy, I understood she knew and crushed
on the man before I met him but he was with
me now. Mihle settled the bill by force prior to
us leaving the restaurant.
At the parking lot I took my school equipment
from Kimberley's car and rode in Mihle's car.
We followed after each other and only parted at
the secon robots, where we proceeded straight
and they took the right turn.

Mihle had informed me that we were flying on

the 26th on August and the past two weeks
before that date flew by. During the previous
week he has been taking Nomthandazo to
hospital before she was having cramps every
once in a while. That worked on him, giving him
endless stress because he feared she'd have a
problem with the child but the reassured them
that close to the birth date it was normal. So
that whole week I had to put my jealousy under
the carpet and understand that he'd be seeing
her often, receiving calls from her often. That
whole week's activity had me thinking about the
minute the baby was here.
I was in my dorm now, packing the clothes I
thought I'd carry. I didn't know what type of
people to expect so I had as many dresses and
as many jeans packed. I was already dressed in
my black leggings, my suede maroon jacket and
white Nike Thai. Mihle did say our flight was at
11:25 am, the time was ten now. I had my
meduim suitcase packet, my Bella cosmetic
back, as well as my handbag, sitting on my bed
as I waited for Fhaku to fetch. He arrived at half
past ten at my doorstep, rushing me to the car
Me: Why are you even late? You weren't even
answering my calls
Mihle: Had to rush Nomtha to hospital I actually
think uzobeleka (she'll be giving birth)
Me: It must be stressful
Mihle: It is but I've got to be home so it's better
because she understood that
He looked at me when I didn't answer
Mihle: Is there anything you'll need xa sifika at
the airport?
Me: Maybe some water
Mihle: We'll get it in the plane. Managed to eat?
I nodded. We drove and arrived at the airport at
11 exactly, rushing in to have the luggage
checked. We almost missed it by a second and
that would mean changing the flight, we were
seated in Mango Air Flight, trying to somehow
regain our breathes.
Me: Ndinxibe right? (Am I dressed well?)
I know it was rather too late to ask now but I
questioned him because I took note how he
kept on looking at me when we were rushing
from one gate to another
Mihle: You always dressed well qha you know
how I feel about your behind being out
Me: (giggles) Ndizithini ke Fhaku? (What must I
do with them Fhaku?)
Mihle: I love them on you but ingathi ungazifihla
from other people
I laughed
Mihle: Or uba ungathenga longer jackets (or if
you'd buy longer jackets)
Me: This is meant to sit at the waist of my
leggings nje
Mihle: I'll give David ilobola so you start wearing
dresses
I looked at him and he laughed prior to
tightening my seatbelt. The ride was smooth
and quiet long, maybe because it's been almost
a year ever since I travelled but I think the
journey from Western Cape to Eastern Cape
was much longer than that from Gauteng to
Eastern Cape. Because Mihle hated depending
on people, he hired a car, Jeep Grand Cherokee
and when I asked why such a big car for a short
weekend, he told me he wanted to see how it
looked on him because he planned on buying it.
Him and David couldn't own the same car, he
had to pick something different.
The feeling I had at the perk of my tummy as
we arrived in Motherwell, I was just waiting to
see a yard that was busy then I'd know we had
arrived, I didn't plan on asking him.
Mihle: You okay
Me: Ewe why?
Mihle: You haven't said a word since we left
town
Me: I'm nervous.
He smiled at me and took my hand in his, he
brought up to his mouth and kissed.
We arrived at a very big house, well it was a
yard with two big houses, it had a red steel gate
and you could a medium tent in the middle of
the yard. He parked the car at the back of a
Toyota Hilux and turned off the engine, I took
my handbag and looked at him.
Mihle: Masingene (let's get in)
I stepped out of the car and felt like I'd vomit
from the feeling I was having in my tummy. I
fixed my jacket and searched my bag for a
ribbon to tie my weave, he was waiting for me
to finish while he carried my handbag. For the
first time I felt like I was too much; I felt I could
have had a simple hairstyle, I wished I had my
real nails, maybe dressed in a jean and lousy
top. I felt the blood red lipstick I was wearing
was too much, my eyebrows, my make up. For
the first time ever I felt I cared about people
assuming I was a gold digger because of the
way I dressed, looked and smelled.
163 Entry

Aphindiwe

He placed a kiss on my forehead and took me

by the hand. There were two things that were
running in my head- dig a hole and bury yourself
and run Aphindiwe- but I did none of the two.
We walked in the gate and immediately we
received eyes from guys who were hovering
over sheep, slaughtering them. He greeted, did
the manly hugs to some of these males who
reeked of sheep. The looks I was receiving from
them were enough to tell me I'd be getting
worse from the elders. He took my hand and we
proceeded, I felt I wasn't even walking straight
anymore. When we passed the tent a man voice
shouted his name, he turned, searching for the
person who was calling him. He tightened my
hand and we made it in the tent
"Tshin tshin kwedini, molo. (Hey hey young man,
hello)"
Mihle: Molweni Fhaku
"Unjani kodwa nyana? (How are you son?)"
Mihle: Kuphilekile Fhaku omdala, iNkosi
isathambile, kuphilekile nakuni? (It's all well
Fhaku, the Lord's still soft, how is it by your side)
"Hayi nyana wethu, ku smooth. Ndiyabona uze
nomakoti. (No son man, it's smooth. I see you
brought a wife)"
Mihle: Injalo Fhaku, iyakhula indoda (It's like
that Fhaku, a man's growing.)
"Molo mntanam (hello my child)"
I looked up at this man and smiled
Me: Molweni Tata
I took his hand in a handshake. He had a fair
complexion, and thick eyebrows and eyelashes
like Mihle. He looked round about in his
seventies, it must have been Mihle's father's
brother. He pulled me in a hug then told me I
was welcome. Trust me I know, it was always
the men that were kind enough. As we made a
way to the house we were stopped by one of
the uncles who came to Cape town when Mihle
told them he was leaving Nomthandazo for me.
He greeted both of us and told Mihle he wanted
to have a chat with him after he has gotten me
into the house. We were stopped about eight
times before we entered the second house,
stepping into the lounge that was full of young
ladies chopping all sorts of veggies. One of
them screamed when she saw Mihle and stood
up to hug him, he let go of my hand and took
her in his arms, there were about three others
who shared a hug with him too and only two
cared to greet me while the others just threw
daggers at me.
Mihle: Mila Uphi uZizipho? (Mila where's
Zizipho?)
Mila: Ebehambe noAne to fetch imbiza ezantsi
(she left with Ane to fetch pots)
He nodded and led me to the kitchen, I knew
whom it was he was looking for, his mother and
when we walked into the kitchen we were
welcomed by Phumla first. She hugged Mihle
then me, the look she gave me was of pity, well
only because the last time we met it was when I
had been raped
Phumla: Ninjani kodwa guys? (How are you
guys?)
Mihle: We good.
Phumla: Anisebahle (Y'all are so beautiful). Aka
and his Queen B
Mihle: Haisoka (chuckles)
She laughed looking at me
Mihle: Uphi uMama? (Where's mom?)
Phumla: Outside the kitchen, phaya kulandlu
incinci (there by the small house)
Me: And your mother?
Phumla: Naye uphaya (She's there too)
Well I won't lie, I loved her mother, a lot. We
walked through the kitchen being greeted by
Makazis and mzalas before we made it outside
to this house Phumla spoke off. It was covered
by the two big houses and you couldn't see it
unless you were this side of the yard. It was a
two room flat and the furniture in the room we
walked in was a huge gas tank, two long four
burner stoves, at the corner of the room was a
table and a kitchen cabinet, the other room was
locked so I had no idea.
"Hayi uMihle akamdala (Oh my Mihle is so old)"
He laughed, extending his hand to greet the
woman. I did handshakes with about four of
them when Mihle's mother hugged me
Mama: Molweni mntanam. Yoooh ufika sinjani
(Hello my child. You arrive to us at this state)
Me: Hayi wethu mama, nibahle ngoku ninje (Oh
no ma, y'all are beautiful looking like this)
Mama: Khange atsho uba uza nawe ke ngoku
ooZizipho bathunyiwe (He didn't say he's
coming with now Zizipho and others have been
sent somewhere)
Me: Ndizobalinda ma ( I'll wait for them)
She nodded going back to talk to her son. I
walked over to Dabawo and poked her softly,
she turned sipping on her coffee
Dabawo: Tshin tshin tshin sana lwam (Oh oh oh
my daughter)
Me: Molweni ma.
She placed her coffee mug on the cabinet and
hugged me tightly, kissing me all over my face
Dabawo: Ngoku uthetha noNokwazi andikuboni.
Ndiyacinga uba uNkwenkwe usiphathele elinye
igeza ngoku (Whilst you were talking to
Nokwazi I didn't see you. I was thinking
Nkwenkwe brought us another crazy one)
Me: (laughs) hayi tuu Dabs. Ndim (It's me)
Dabawo: Khawuze apha (come here)
She dragged me outside and we stood a little
far from the people
"Kodwa waye wanjani mntanam? Ndoyika
nokufounela sana lwam, ndibane ndithetha
noNkwenkwe. Oh Bhelekazi mntanam (But how
were you my child? I was even scared to call
you my daughter, I only kept on talking to
Nkwenkwe. Oh Bhelekazi my child)"
Me: I pulled through dabs. Ewe kona it wasn't
easy, nangoku ayikasuki ncam lanto but I'm
trying
Dabawo: Zama Ntombi. Zama mntanam. You
can't carry yourself like a victim.
I nodded and she hugged me again, actually
bringing the pain back. There was only one
person who'd give me this much love and
encouragement when I had gone through soul
wrecking times and it was my mother, I felt a
lump grow on my throat and I knew my tears
were going to betray me. She pulled back and
looked at me, I was at the edge of crying
Dabawo: Sukhala Sisi. Sulile. (Don't cry big girl.
Don't cry)
She was wiping my tears with her apron,
definitely removing my make up as well. Mihle
walked up to us and didn't question anything, ti
him it was obvious why
Dabawo: Nkwenkwe
I was in his arms, trying to stop myself from
crying
Mihle: Ma?
Dabawo: Ndizodinga uthetha nani before
nihambe (I need to talk to you two before y'all
leave). Either ngomso (tomorrow)or Sunday
Mihle: Alright ma
She kissed me on the cheek then walked back
into the house. Mihle cupped my face and
looked at me, I actually thanked God we were
covered by this big house and every one was on
the other side of the yard because I looked like
a mess
Mihle: Yiberight baby (Be okay baby)
I nodded. He pulled me in a long hug and only
pulled back when I told him he was suffocating
me, well he was squeezing the living hell out of
me. There was lady who was draining rice at the
tap, she couldn't stop looking at us. We walked
inside and he directed me to one of his aunt's
bedroom where I placed my handbag after
fixing my mascara and the make-up.
Mihle: You'll sit at the lounge and wait for
Zizipho
Me: Baphi kanti? (Where are they?)
Mihle: They aren't gone far, probably on their
way back ngoku
I nodded and took my phone. We made our way
to the lounge and he left me seated next to this
lady who was busy peeling potatoes. Phumla
came from the kitchen, holding a bowl which
had chicken gravy and a drumstick, along with a
size plate that had a slice of home baked bread.
Me: Enkosi (thank you)
Phumla: NeJuice mos?
I nodded and started digging in. It was edible
and for someone who couldn't cook I wasn't
about to judge the way it was spiced. I couldn't
make conversation with all these people here
because they talking amongst each other, with
that weird accent PE people had. I tried texting
Zizipho twice but my text didn't go through and
when I tried calling her, I reached voicemail. I
made my way to the kitchen to place these
dishes when I was done eating. Right when I
was about to walk out a women who looked a
little older than Mihle stopped me
"Yhe Ntombi, ungulamntana ootata babeye kwi
meeting yakhe iKapa for lento ka Mihle? (Hey
girl, are you the child whom my fathers went to
Cape town for regarding that Mihle thing)"
Because ndandisacenge ubuhlobo (Only
because I was still hoping for a relationship) I
plastered a smile on my face, but honestly I
hated the way she called me, how she
addressed me and the question she just asked
me
Me: Ewe
Her: Yoh awusekho mncinci. Yoh ooMihle
bayazenza izinto (Wow you are so young. Wow
Mihle is full of surprises)
I heard someone ask her something as I walked
out, I wasn't about to stick around for that shit
kaloku. She mentioned something about Mihle
leaving a girl who was right for his age for me,
then comments followed. I went back to my
seat and text Mihle, I don't know why I hoped
he&apos;d check his phone when I knew he was
doing things men did at ceremonies. Ekhaya (at
home) we merely had these type of rituals and
that was because we weren't a big family. My
mother's side they were and that's where I
always witnessed all these ceremonies and
slaughtering of animals. I was having a chat
with a girl named Nomkhitha about my make-up
and weave, she was genuinely curious because
she didn't make any nasty comments. The only
people I saw weren't so happy about my
presence were the people sitting with us at the
lounge. Nomkhitha was one of the girls Mihle
hugged when we walked in
"So nawe uhlala ekapa? (So you always stay in
Cape town?)"
Me: Ewe. I study there
Nomkhitha: Funda ntoni? (What are you
studying?)
Me: LLB
"YiLaw mos leyo? (That's law right?)"
The Mila girl asked while chopping the peppers.
Nomkhitha: Ewe. Ayikho nzima? (Yes. Isn't it
hard?)
Me: Since ndisenza first year hayi (since I'm still
doing my first year no)
She asked another question but I couldn't hear
her because my mind was now concentrating
on the figure that was standing at the door, my
sister in law
Zizipho: Heeee hayi Ntombi
Me: Awudiki sani. Been trying to call you.
Zizipho: Awunabubele kanene, khashukume and
hug me damn't (Oh you don't have love, just get
up and hug me damn't)
I got up, laughing and hugged her
Zizipho: Unjani? I met uKing outside and he told
me right away uba ulapha elounge waiting for
me
Me: Is he still alive?
Zizipho: Yhini!
Me: I have about two hours ndingamboni
(without seeing him)
Zizipho: Subaxa (Don't exaggerate it's about
one)
Me: (laughs) it seems that long.
I followed her and the other yellow chick to the
kitchen where they placed the pots then we
went to her aunt's room, where I placed my
handbag. Immediately when we walked the
other girl threw herself on the bed
Zizipho: Yoooh andisekho rwada nje. Phindi ngu
Anesipho lo cousin yam. Ane ngu Aphindiwe lo,
cherry ka Nkwenkwe) (Yoooh I'm so rude.
Phindi this is Anesipho my cousin. Ane this is
Aphindiwe, Nkwenkwe's girlfriend)
Me: Nice meeting you.
Anesipho: Nawe (you too) Awumhle (You are so
beautiful)
Me:(titters) thanks
Zee went to the bar fridge and took out a bottle
of white wine, she poured a full glass for each
of us and we sat there chatting. Well I learnt
Zee was the oldest apha kuthi, Ane was my age
but had her birthday in April, making her a
couple of months older than me.
Zizipho: Umbonile uDabawo? (Did you see
Dabawo?)
Me: Ewe, nomama. They were so excited to see
me
Zizipho: Worse ke uKing told no one that he's
bringing you here.
Me: Watsho uba (he did say that) he's not going
to report to anybody
Anesipho: Akhomntu who has given you funny
reactions yet?
Me: Thank God you asked. Who's that dark
chubby woman with big eyes?
Zizipho: Mile kakuhle and has dark lips?
Me: I didn't see her body structure but ewe she
has dark lips
Zizipho: Bulelwa
Me: Yoooh I don't like her.
They both laughed asking me why. I filled them
and they weren't so shocked because
apparently that's how she is. They told me to
actually expect the worst from her more
especially when her mother was around.
Me: Who's her dad?
Zizipho tried explaining the man who apparently
had also gone to Cape Town but I must have
forgotten How he looks, the only man I
remember was the we met outside when we
first walked, and I remembered him because he
did most of the talking when they were in Cape
town. Zizipho and her cousin filled me in on the
scandals Bulelwa had created during family
ceremonies and how her mother always stood
up for her, no matter how wrong she was. They
seemed like a strong team.
We retreated to the lounge and helped where
we could. I heeded that Mila wasn't as rude as
she appeared when I was alone at the lounge,
maybe she needed Mihle and Zizipho to be kind
towards me. She appeared like the greatest
pretender there ever was because even though
she spoke to me, the way she looked at me said
something else. Apparently she was a cousin
too. Fhaku walked in after a long ass while
missing him, he was dressed in blue overalls
and had changed shoes to his black Adidas zx
Flux. He was carrying a huge enamel dish
which had finely chopped sheep meat. He
returned from the kitchen and stopped where I
was sitting, he came and knelt in front of me
"Still doing okay?"
I laid my arms around his neck and brought him
closer to whisper something to him
Me: Ewe but I miss you
H chuckled
Mihle: You'll only get to have my full attention
when it's time to sleep.
Me: I know
I let go of him and watched him smile at me, I
pulled a face. He got up and blew me a kiss
before Mila got up and dragged outside. Milani
was a niece in this family, and one of those
niece who did anything for attention. That I
wasn't told but I picked it from analysing her
behaviour. Before we were allowed to go to bed,
we were gathered in the lounge and had a night
prayer. The people in this family were beautiful,
there must have been a coloured or Indian
blood somewhere in their past generations. The
type of hair most of these Dabawos had was
insanely beautiful. Mihle drove us to his home
where we as the youth supposedly slept, he was
supposed to sleep at his uncle's place but was
excused because of me. Well I didn't mind
sleeping with the girls as long as Zizipho was
around but he insisted. Now I was in his
bedroom with Zizipho, changing sheets and
dusting the room. He had his own flat which
was a bedroom flat with an en-suite, he ate and
did everything else in the big house. There was
a flat screen television against the wall, hung up
nicely. When we finished cleaning we went to
the main house, I didn't expect his home to be
big and as warm - the kitchen had those brown
built in cabinets that come with an electronic
stove, a two door silver fridge, cream white tiles.
In the lounge there was black leather couches,
that came with a coffee table, a comfortable
mat which was brown and black. A huge glass
stand for the television and on the other side of
the lounge was the dining space with a table
and wall unit. It was a three bedroom house,
with a medium sized bathroom. It was clean.
We were all gathering in the lounge, chatting, by
all I mean all eleven of us. The youngest was a
'97 and the oldest being Zizipho. I had already
changed in my pyjamas and we were listening
to music while talking about boys, alcohol and
sex. Well I didn't participate much in the
conversation because they were talking about
people I knew not off. I was still taking in this
beautiful lounge when I saw a picture of his
parents against the wall, he was right, he didn't
look much like his father. Only the shape of the
face and eyes, everything else was his mother's.
His father was a beautiful man, didn't appear as
strict as he made him sound. There was two
pictures on the wall unit, one of the whole
family and the second was the mother and her
two offsprings.
There was a knock at the door, Khazimla
jumped and hurried to open. Deeper voices
echoed in the kitchen and amongst those husky
one, one sounded familiar and hearing it did
something to my heart. Mihle and two other
guys walked into the lounge, well I didn't have to
ask, they were relatives. He walked up to and
kissed my cheek
Mihle: Ready for bed?
I nodded
Mihle: Usafuna ulalapha? (You still want to
sleep here?)
Me: Yes.
I smiled at him and he laughed
He was out of those overalls and smelt like
himself now. He took me by the hand and
waited for me to wear my sleepers before he
pulled me outside, we walked into his room and
I closed the door. He went to the bathroom first
to take a pee before he came back and kissed
me, throwing me on the bed which had fresh
smelling sheets. Our kissing stopped when I
told he was going to make me mess on my
pyjamas, unfortunately I was on my
menstruation period. He got off me and told me
he was heading out with his brothers, we'd
probably spend the night in his flat tomorrow.
He kissed me one last time before asking if I
managed to take a bath as we walked out
Me: Took a shower apha
Mihle: Didn't even notice that the shower has
been used.
Me: I saw pictures of your father.
Mihle: And?
Me: He doesn't look as strict
Mihle: Well he was, kakhulu. And wayendibetha
one (and he used to beat me)
I laughed at him, telling me he probably
deserved those. We walked back into the
lounge to a game of monopoly set out on the
coffee table, all vases that were close by had
been placed on the dining table, that's how
chaotic it was about to become.
Mihle: Simo?
Simo: Ya bra
Mihle: Masambeni (Let's go)
He gave me a baby kiss and one on my
forehead before instructing us to treat his
mother's house with care. When they left, the
game began. Nomkhitha and myself actually
went to sleep first at past two in the morning,
leaving everyone behind. They were still playing
the game and because I was bankrupt and had
to leave the game, I was bored and finally
became drowsy.
I woke up to the sound of loud music playing
from the lounge, in the room I was sleeping in, it
was just myself and some other girl who were
still sleeping. Everybody else was up and in the
lounge. When I dragged myself there I was
surprised that some ladies had bathed already
Zizipho: Good morning
Me: Morning
Nomkhitha: Mihle was here, ezokubona wafika
usalele (to see you and you were still sleeping)
Me: Ikhona into ebeyifuna? (Is there something
he wanted?)
Nomkhitha: Nope. Just to see if uleli kakuhle (if
you slept well)
I smiled at her before following her to the
kitchen, Zizipho was making me a bowl of
cereal. She handed me the bowl and took hers,
Mila was washing some dishes from last night,
well we had made coffee last night before
heading to the bed. She was washing those
dishes and some bowls used this morning.
Nomkhitha and I took a shower in Mihle's
bedroom while the others were bathing in the
house, Zizipho knocked on the door and walked
in, dressed in those tradition skirts, a white long
sleeved vest, white all stars chunks and wore a
beaded band on her head<br>
Me: You look so beautiful <br>
She did a 360 twirl before mouthing "I know."
Nomkhitha was already getting dressed and
she also had a bead necklace and hair band
Me: Zee don't you have enye ibeaded item?
Zizipho: Uzonxiba ntoni? (What are you going to
wear?)
I showed my grey tight fitted dress and she
stormed us after seeing my dress, promising
me to at least look for something. When I put
on my dress Nomkhitha wouldn't stop telling
me about my body shape. I looked at her in awe,
actually believing that I was now disgusting. I
wore my black pallidium boots and stood in
front od the mirror in the bathroom to apply
some make up. I tied my weave in a messy bun
then applied a little less make-up compared to
what I had yesterday. Nomkhitha begged me to
do her eyebrows and as lazy as I were to do
someone else's make up, I did. I was beginning
to really like her. Anesipho walked in, wearing a
black dress which hung her in all the right
places, she was petite but curved. She gave me
the bead hair band and I neatly wore it on my
head.

I was excited when we actually walked from

Mihle's home to ekhaya'khulu, I wanted to see
the streets of Motherwell since yesterday we
only travelled from one place to another at
around 11. It was a busy place and seemed fun,
I always thought positive on these rural areas
because behind the suburb walls where I was
groomed,a lot of depression happened. I cannot
explain the excitement that filled my heart when
I saw Mihle, I missed him. I knew I was in love
with this man when everything he did turned me,
even the slightest most stupidest thing, like
having him stand afar listening to his elders talk
to him, that alone was enough to give me mad
butterflies. The looks I was receiving from the
guys there were crazy, they were presumably
checking out my ass because that's what many
did before taking in my face. I was about to
walk through the door, following behinf Milani
when Mihle pulled me back with an arm that
was already around my waist
"Ndikhaphe (accompany me)"
Me: Uyaphi? (Where you going?)
He allowed me to turn around, he malodoured
of sheep and blood
Mihle: Bar, to get some beers
Me: Can we take Zee with?
Mihle: Ha.a Baby, Zizipho uzofuna uthatha
yonke lomntu ulapha (No baby, Zizipho will
want to take everybody that's here).
It him, myself and Simo in the car. I recognized
how close he was with this Simo guy or maybe
it was because ever since we stepped in this
yard I was always seeing them together.

The rest of the day went out smoothly and I

made sure I avoided Bulelwa and her
tyrannizing mother for as long as I could.
However, Zizipho did return to the bedroom we
were sitting in, telling me that her elders were
holding a conversation about me in the kitchen,
they were questioning Mihle's mother about my
whole existence as if the woman had a flippen
clue where I had just came from. It was
ridiculous and childish honestly but I was
expecting it, not only was my visit unexpected
but these people were already familiar with
Nomthandazo. I don't know how many times
Nomtha visited here but it was clear that they
liked her better and yes I was younger than her
so ndandinga soze ndikwazi uhlala nabo and
pretend I fitted in when I didn't. I was bothered
to say the least but if their son loved me enough
to stay with me regardless then I honestly never
cared about their opinions and presumptions.
Entry 164

Mihle

Aphindiwe's visit was questioned by 70% of my

family, but any person that walked up to me,
enquiring me about her, I simply told them I had
brought her here because I wanted her here. I
was aware that almost the whole family now
knew that she was my replacement for
Nomthandazo and that she was a sister to
Nomtha. My elders' visit to Cape Town didn't go
unheard and it was evident from all the
questions I received that everybody knew I was
dating from the same blood. What amused me
really was how they never took note of how
happy I suddenly was, how I transformed from
being so aggressive and emotionless to being
the work in progress I was today. All they cared
about was how I'd jump into the pants of a girl
who was still to be a woman, the same girl who
was the reason for their son's happiness.
Pardon me, but I wasn't the type of person who
would nod to everything, more especially if it
affected my happiness. Disrespectful? No.
Stubborn, maybe I was but I saw myself as an
individual who simply did what made them
happy, whether it meant harming another, that
was something I worried about later, after I've
been positively affected by whatever I was
doing. That's just who I was, selfish you could
say.
Sunday morning I was laying on my bed, with
Phindi's head on my chest. We didn't sleep
together but immediately when I woke up I
called her, telling her to come to my flat. She
was worried about the conversation Dabawo
wanted to have with us, mentioning that from
yesterday's events she suddenly didn't feel it
was something we wanted to hear
Me: And how do you know that?
Aphindiwe: My gut's telling me.
I pushed my hand under her pyjama top and
rubbed her back
Me: You women and this gut feeling
Aphindiwe: It never fails us though
I didn't respond. The silence made my mind
drift to Nomthandazo's call this morning, saying
she was in hospital, hours to giving birth to my
son, my first heir. I did try calling her before
asking for Nomtha but her phone sent me
straight to voice mail. It was something past
four in the morning when she called me,
sounding like she was in the worst pain ever but
managed to utter some words to me. I tried
Sivuyisiwe as well but her phone rang all on its
own. I was just wondering if this little man was
already in this cruel world
Aphindiwe: What time is our flight?
Me: Four
Aphindiwe: And time is it now?
Me: ten past seven
She moved from my chest and balanced on her
elbow, looking at me
"No wonder I'm thus exhausted."
Me: Awulalanga enough? (Didn't you sleep
enough?)
Aphindiwe: No. Silale only at past two (No. We
only slept at past two)
Me: Benisenzani lonke ixesha? (What were y'all
doing all that time?)
Aphindiwe: Playing cards
I smiled at her, shaking my head
Aphindiwe: Asanda couldn't come apha izolo
but she did however ask uba before we leave
can we pass phaya kuye
Me: Uhlala phi? (Where does she stay?)
Aphindiwe: I don't know but somewhere around
here. I'll ask her
She returned on the position she was laying on
a minute back and started rubbing my abs and
now fading V on my waist. I was aware that I
was gaining weight now and only heading to the
gym on Saturdays didn't help much as well. I
had to make time for the gym so I wouldn't lose
my shape, since I consumed alcohol I knew if I
didn't go to the gym like I often did then I stood
a great chance of gaining a beer belly which I
honestly hated. We laid in that position until I
felt I was drifting back to sleep, I was restless.
It's been a while since I worked this hard and
being home meant doing manly work
Me: Baby?
She kept quiet and from her peaceful breathing
I knew she too had drifted off to sleep
Me: Phindi
I stroked her cheek using my thumb, she shifted
making herself comfortable
"Baby"
Aphindiwe: Hmmm?
Me: Bhekela (move)
She moved but still remained laying on me. I
took her head and placed it on a pillow, lowering
my feet off the bed. She had her eyes half open
Aphindiwe: Uyaphi? (Where you going?)
Me: Need to get ready and do what men do
when they're home
She pulled the covers and tucked herself under
the sheets. I walked into the bathroom and
brushed my teeth and washed my face. I
stepped out of the bathroom and immediately
my eyes landed on the lady I was madly in love
with, it scared me. She had her eyes closed, her
breathing steady and she looked at peace. It
was funny how the heart had so much control
over little things, things we didn't give a little
fuck about. I remember when I first saw her, her
eyes wouldn't leave me, I felt them boring in me
every passing second when I was talking to
Nomthandazo's father. I fought the urge of
looking back at her, and asking what it was she
was looking at. It was the look on her face when
I was introduced as Nomtha's fiance that made
want to tease her, that drove me into leading
her on, unaware that I was going to get caught
up in the middle of it. I had it all planned at the
back of my head, fuck her and act like it never
happened but I found myself wanting her over
and over and over again.
I was now sitting at the edge of the bed tying
my Adidas ZX laces which was dirty from mud
and blood stains. I would have to bribe Zizipho
into washing it for me. I touched Phindi's feet
through the covers and squeezed them<br>
"Ndiyahamba baby okay (I'm leaving baby
okay)"
I wasn't expecting her to answer because I
knew she was sleeping. I walked out of my flat
to the main house, made myself a cup of coffee
and had a piece of some home-baked bread.
Mila and Zizipho were up already, in the kitchen
and stuffing their mouths as always
Zizipho: Uphi uPhindi? (Where's Phindi?)
Me: In my room, sleeping
Mila: Umthanda nyani kodwa bhuti? (Do you
really love her though bhuti?)
Zizipho: Are you even asking? Ibhalwe (It's
written) all over his face that he's madly in love
with her.
Me: (chuckles) Uthini nah Zizipho? (What are
you saying Zizipho?)
Zizipho: Ayicace wele (It's obvious twin), so
obvious
Me: Khanime ndihambe (Let me go)
Mila: Nihamba namhlanje? (Are y'all leaving
today?)
I nodded, placing the coffee mug in the sink. I
grabbed an apple before walking out, escorted
by Milani. I guess you want me to explain my
relationship with this young lady here, she is a
cousin, my dad and her mother were siblings.
Seven years back, when I was 22 and she was
aged 14, I was told by Zizipho and Anesipho
that whenever they played these family games
of theirs, she always imagined me as her
husband. That, unfortunately, traumatized my
sister so she ended up telling on her. I had a
decent conversation with Mila and tried
explaining to her the dangers of her imagination,
how she'd end up wanting to make that reality.
She grew out of it really but never stopped
wanting undivided attention from and Simo, her
older brother. She walked me to my car, telling
me about how horrible Pietemaritzburg actually
was and how she wanted to move either to
Johannesburg or Cape Town.
Me: Ugqiba nini ufunda? (When are you
completing your studies?)
Mila: Next year
Me: Graduate first then worry later about your
relocating problems
Mila: You coming to my graduation party mos?
Me: If I can squeeze it in.
She nodded, stepping away from the car when
the engine roared
Me: Uxelele uZizipho avuse uPhindi. And
nikhawulezise, yesterday dabs was talking
ngalento yenu of not being available xa nifunwa
(You must tell Zizipho to wake up Phindi. And
y'all must make it snappy, yesterday aunt
complained about y'all not being available when
you guys are needed).
She said something before turning on her heels
and walking back into the house. I reversed the
car and found myself on the road heading to my
uncle's place. When I arrived there
kwakusityiwa isibindi, deliciously cooked, with
bread or pap, you picked your favourite. My
mothers were already in the kitchen, dressed
like proud Xhosa wives
Dabawo: Nkwenkwe, awulambanga boy? (Aren't
you hungry boy?)
Me: Ndityile pha endlini kodwa ndiyasirhalela
isbindi sona (I came at home but I do crave
some liver)
Dabawo: Khanyisa khawuphakele uMihle
isibindi ntombi (Khanyisa dish up some liver for
Mihle)
My eyes travelled around the kitchen, curious to
see this Khanyisa. At home we didn't have any
Khanyisa nor did I know of any Khanyisa around
who was married to anyone I was close with. So
yes my curiosity got the best of me. I spotted
her when she asked Bulelwa for a bowl, and I
realised that I didn't know her, she didn't look
familiar at all. She was light skinned, more
yellow than I was, had big eyes and well defined
eyebrows. Her lips were covered in red lipstick
and that seemed to be the only makeup she
was wearing. She had a well-combed perm afro
which made her skin tone and small round face
stand out. She was no wife because under the
apron that covered her outfit, I could see light
blue jeans
"Isonka uyasifuna sona Nyawuza? (Do you want
bread Nyawuza?)"
I looked up at her, taken back by how she just
called me and the wide smile on her face
Me: Hayi.
She handed me the bowl with a small dish cloth
underneath it, I took it, nodding at her. I excused
myself from the kitchen and retreated to the
tent where other men were sitting.

Zizipho, Anesipho and my baby walked through

the gate, talking and laughing. My eyes followed
every step Phindi took, she seemed better than
Friday when we arrived. She looked more
comfortable and relaxed. I noticed that she
wore no makeup today, had an olive green doek
on which matched her shoes, black jeans and a
white long sleeved, tight vest which she tucked
in. She didn't see me until I came behind her,
covering her eyes
Aphindiwe: Baby uzondiwisa (Baby you'll make
me fall).
I placed a kiss on her forehead prior to
removing my hand from her eyes
Anesipho: Yooh Hayi uyamazi umntu wakho
shame (Yooh no, you know your man shame )
Aphindiwe: I know his smell.
Me: I smell of sheep kodwa ngoku baby
She smiled at me, shaking her head. I followed
behind them as they walked into the kitchen.
Mama: Zizipho
Zizipho: Ma?
Mama: Nasi esibindi nesonka, iphelile ipapa
(Here's some liver and bread, pap is finished)
Dabawo: Baphi abanye? (Where are the rest?)
Anesipho: Bayeza (still coming)
I intertwined my fingers with Aphindiwe's and
pulled her out of the kitchen. We walked to my
aunt's room where I took out a Play from the
bar fridge and cracked it open. She was going
on about how I didn't say goodbye to her when I
left, she woke up all alone in my flat. I downed
half of the can before handing the rest to her,
she took a sip and looked at me. I pulled her
close and smashed my lips into hers, her soft
lips never failed to get me excited. She stood on
her tippy toes, pulling me closer with the collar
of the overalls I was wearing, I pulled back,
avoiding to get excited. We walked back into
the kitchen and I immediately heeded how
Bulelwa and Khanyisa were looking at us, then
Khanyisa's eyes fell to our hands before she
looked at me again. Thinking I must be
hallucinating or they were probably discussing
the lady standing next to me, I brushed it off
and placed a kiss on Phindi's cheek before
walking out.
The day went by too fast making time for me
and Phindi rather too short that Sunday. Right
now I was standing in front of the mirror,
adjusting the waist string around my waist.
Aphindiwe was sitting on the bed tying her
black pump sandals. I was dressed in black
track pants, white round neck Markhams t-shirt
and black Nike Tanjun. After fixing the waist of
my track pants I turned and looked at her, she
was tying the pump straps around her ankles.
Aphindiwe: Does uDabawo still want to talk to
us?
I was about to answer when there was a knock
at the door and uDabawo walked in answering
Dabawo: Nkwenkwe, nigqibile? (Nkwenkwe are
you guys done?)
Me: Ewe dabs
Dabawo: Phindi mntanam ndifuna uthetha nani
(Phindi my child I want to talk to you guys)
Aphindiwe stood up, lifting her leggings as she
stood besides me. Dabawo found herself a seat
on the bed and looked at us, bringing her hands
together. I took Aphindiwe's hand in mine and
made space for us on the bed as well, she was
making me nervous as she looked at us for a
long two minutes without saying anything.
"Nkwenkwe."
Me: Mama
Dabawo: Uyayazi mntanam uba ndikuthanda
kangakanani. Uba ndingafa if anything would
happen to you. (You know my child how much I
love you. That I'd die if anything would happen
to you)
I nodded, those words familiar coming from her.
Dabawo: Mntanam zinintsi izinto ezizokwehlela
Nkwenkwe and kuzo zonke andifuni uthi
akakuhoyanga uNokwazi. Uyamazi uNokwazi
uba akalociko so ezinye ezinto izobangathi
uyaziyeka zenzeke (My child you're going to go
through a lot of things and amongst all these
things I don't want you thinking your mother
doesn't care. You know uNokwazi doesn't talk
much so it'll seem like she's allowing other
things to happen)
She was right, my mother unlike her was not a
woman of many words
Me: Kwenzekani ma? (What's happening Ma?)
Dabawo: Phindi
Aphindiwe: Ma?
Phindi's voice was cracky, I wasn't the only one
nervous here. I turned my head and took in her
face, she was nervously looking at my aunt
waiting for her to talk
"Uyamthanda uMihle. Ndimbona apha esiqhwini
mntanam, uyamthanda uNkwenkwe (You love
Mihle. I can see it from his physical appearance
that you love Nkwenkwe)"
She nodded before licking her lips which she
hadn't yet applied lipstick on
Dabawo: Mihle lento ndizonixelela yona will
break you if you allow it. Izokubuyisela
mntanam kula ndlavini wawuyiyo if you allow it,
and ingakwenza umntu ombi kulo mntana
(Mihle what I'm about to tell you will break you if
you allow it. It'll take you back to that
aggressive bastard you were if you allow it, it
could portray you as an ugly person to this kid).
I didn't notice how nervous I was until
Aphindiwe hissed from pain, showing me her
hand which was white from how tight I had
been holding it
Dabawo: Impilo Nkwenkwe izobanzim... (life will
be hard Nkwenkwe...)
She didn't get to finish what she was saying
because my mother walked through the door,
smiling at Milani who was following her
Mama: Yhini imeeting encinci (Hey, a small
meeting)
Dabawo: Hayi Nokwazi, bendisathetha
nababantwana (No Nokwazi, I was just talking
to these kids)
Mama: Akhonto embi kodwa? (there's nothing
bad though?)
My mother raised her concern, I didn't know
whether to nod or shake my head because I
didn't know but from the way her sister inlaw
was going, something was wrong. She shook
her head, lifting herself from the bed
Mama: Nkwenkwe bendifuna uzonikhupha
kulendlu mntanam. Ixesha (Nkwenkwe I wanted
to take you guys out of this house my child.
Time)
Me: Time yeah
Mama: Nigqibile right? (Y'all are done right?)
Me: Ewe Ma
They helped us out with our bags, Dabawo was
walking behind with Phindi, talking to her about
something. I placed our bags at the backseat
and continued having a chat with my mother
while we were waiting for Dabawo who was a
few feet away with my baby. I glanced their way
and found myself smiling
"Wonwabile Fhaku (You're happy Fhaku)"
Me: She makes me happy mama
My mother's face changed as she raced her
eyes between Phindi and myself
Me: Yintoni Dlamini? (What is it Dlamini?)
She forced a smile, taking my hand in hers
Mama: Utatakho ebenokonwaba uphumile
kwezizinto zakho (your father would have been
happy now that you left these hustle and bustle
of yours).
I knew that isn't what was crossing her mind.
She forgot she couldn't lie to me, I saw through
her. I plastered a smile on my face and nodded,
avoiding enquiring her about the change of
mood. We drove with my mother and aunt at
the backseat and made our way to my uncle's
place to say our goodbyes to the rest of the
family.
Tatomncinci: Fhaku nihambe kakuhle ke nyana.
Kuzofuneke sithethe efounin before ku fike
uDecember (Fhaku you must travel safe son.
We'll have to talk on the phone before
December)
Me: Sizothetha Tamnci (We'll talk Tamnci)
He squeezed my shoulder. I hugged my mother
and sisters before I went to my second mother
and hugged her
Dabawo: Visit me eMossel bay ke boy evha.
Asigqibanga uthetha (we not done talking)
She walked me to my car with Aphindiwe
besides me. I got in the driver's seat and waited
for Phindi to sit comfortably on the passenger
seat next to mine before turning the key in the
ignition. I joined the road and left a hooter as a
goodbye.

Before driving to the airport we made our way

to the other side of Motherwell to meet Asanda.
Our visit three Aphindiwe to another world, I
literally had to remind them the reason for our
short visit. Asanda was clueless about their
brother's arrest but she did know where we was
held prisoned and whom it was I could contact
for more information. She gave me those
numbers and told me they belonged to his
girlfriend, as well as a friend of his.
We arrived at the Cape close to midnight
because our flight was delayed an hour. We
managed to grab something to eat KFC, it was
the only place we could think off which opened
24 hours of the day and was close to the estate.
Wings, Boxmaster and two pieces along with a
Krusher for Aphindiwe was what we grabbed. I
was exhausted to be honest, more tired than
Phindi was, from the work and the travelling as
well. On Monday I didn't work, called in sick and
had my day planned out - to see my baby boy.
At past three in the morning I received a call
from Sivuyisiwe telling me that a younger
version of me was brought to this world, a
young man by the name Simlindile. That was
the name I gave him before I could even hold
him in my arms, having been robbed a child and
lost one through a miscarriage, I been waiting
for my ancestors to give me this heir.
I was now standing in the middle of my kitchen,
holding a glass of orange juice looking at the
lady who was still dressed in pyjamas
Me: So you want me to drop you at school?
Aphindiwe: I was hoping you would.
She wasn't looking at me but at the cup of hot
chocolate in front of her. We had a
disagreement earlier this morning and now she
thought it was better if I would take her to
school. I chuckled, disappointed that she didn't
know by now what she was asking for was not
going to happen
Me: Don't cook, I'll grab something on the way
back
Aphindiwe: Mihle did you even hear me?
Me: I did
She raised a brow at me, patiently waiting for
me to continue
"But ayizokwenzeka lonto (But that won't
happen)"
She sighed, loud enough for me to hear her
exasperation through it. I walked over to her
and planted a kiss on her forehead before
heading towards the door. I was in no mood of
arguing with her, I've done it before and it felt
like a Hoover pulling out every dirt in me,
heavenly draining in other words. I stepped into
my car undoubtedly bothered by leaving her like
that but if I stayed any longer she was going to
blow.

Twenty-four minutes later I was searching for a

spot to park my car at Melomed Tokai private
hospital, beyond excited to see my handsome
offspring. I walked in after finding a parking for
my car. I kept on exhaling and inhaling, trying to
remove my head from thinking of the Dabula
faces when I walked through there, it was
obvious that her family would be around. I
leaned over the reception desk and cleared my
throat to earn the attention of the lady who was
sheepishly smiling at her phone
Her: Ndingakunceda bhuti? (Can I help you
bhuti?)
You think cashiers were the only people who
caught an attitude during working hours, well
you were wrong. I prevented myself from firing
back at her, thanks to my good mood
Me: Ndizobona umntu (I'm here to see
someone)
Her: Name?
Me: Nomthandazo Dabula
She checked a stack of files and paged through
them before typing something on the computer
screen in front of her. She paged through the
pile of files once more before looking at me, I
narrowed my eyes at her. This woman had to
thank the Lord she was praising that I was in
such a good mood or else I would have been
walking through the hallways already, with her
hating the second I stepped through that door.
Her: Nom.Thand.Azo Dabu... B3
I moved away from the desk and walked away, I
heard her mumble something and I fought the
urge not to turn around. Since there were board
signs around the hospital, it was easy to find
my way to B3. I walked in the ward and the first
thing I saw was yet another small desk, how
many receptionist did these hospitals have? I
grinned, trying to dig up the better me, and this
time around the service I received was a whole
better. Third door on my right was where my
footsteps were heading, I could hear the laughs
and voices as I took cautious steps. I came to a
halt at the entrance and gazed at the family
gathered in this room, before my eyes landed
on the small infant covered in a blanket. Still
consumed in my own amusement there was a
clearing of throat which divided my attention
between my baby and the eyes gawking at me.
Mam'Dabula: Mihle?
Me: Molweni ma.
I stepped in, avoiding to look at the head of the
family whose gaze was burning through my
skin
Mam'Dabula: Unjani? (How are you?)
Me: Ndiyaphila mama enkosi, kunjani kuni? (I'm
good ma thanks, how is it by your side?)
Mam'Dabula: Siyaphila sibulela uThixo Fhaku
(We are well and thankful to God Fhaku)
I turned and looked at Nomthandazo's father, I
extended my hand as I greeted him. It took him
a while to take my hand in his but what
mattered was he did
TatuDabula: Uzobona lomzukulwana usiphe
yena? (You're here to see this grandchild you
gave us?)
Me: Umzukulwana ebengasoze abekhona if it
wasn't for your beautiful daughter.
I passed my look to Nomtha who was blushing,
I was thankful to be honest. Those words were
from the heart but they didn't mean my heart
was still beating for her, but rather genuinely
honoured that she carried that little boy for me.
TatuDabula: Khambone ke Nyawuza (See him
Nyawuza)
I turned and walked over to where he was laying,
I stared in awe the young reflection of me
before I took him in my arms and watched him
as he felt comfortable knowing it was home. A
smile made its way to my heart as I traced his
cheek with my thumb
'Simlindile Gabavu'
I smiled to myself at the thought of it. This was
my heir, my Prince, my happiness. He was my
everything and I know I've said before that my
mother was the one person I'd kill for but now
she instantly came second.
165 Entry

Nomthandazo

My family stepped out of the ward, leaving

Mihle and I all by ourselves. He was still holding
his son in his hands, staring at him like he was
to be taken later on. My heart leaped in
excitement when I saw him standing at that
door, it was a few minutes after my dad had
bad-mouthed him, cursing that he couldn't even
come see his son. And I remained quiet for
once because Mihle was going to come
Me: Uyambona ufuna nawe? (Do you see he
looks just like you?)
He passed his eyes to me and smiled before
looking at the fragile human in his arms
Mihle: Just how I imagined him
Me: Did you give him a name already?
Mihle: Ufuna undixelela uba utatakho hasn't
given him a name? (You want to tell me your
father hasn't given him a name?)
Nomthandazo: You know how I can sweet talk
utata. He did give him a name but ndamcela
uba can we at least give one name to you
He cocked a brow at me and asked in his husky
voice <br>
"And what's the name?"
Me: Olakhe
He looked at his son again. To me, as the
mother and girlfriend, it was a beautiful sight, a
sight my heart and mind captured
Mihle: Simlindile Olakhe Gabavu.
He smiled and I followed, looking at both my
favourite men in the world
Mihle: Enkosi
Me: Wouldn't have done it without you.
He bent forward and gently placed Sim where
he was laid before. He placed a kiss on his
forehead then turned to walk over to me, he sat
at my feet
Mihle: I'm being serious. Ndiyabulela (Thank
you).
I nodded, still smiling at him. My heart was
dancing to his scent, I've missed him
Mihle: You do know how much my heart ached
for a child so ndiyabulela Bhelekazi. Maybe I
don't deserve this much but we here now.
Me: If you didn't deserve this much we wouldn't
be here.
He nodded, looking at his son again.
Me: Bekunjani ekhaya? (How was home?)
Mihle: Busy. Ibingumcimbi (it was a ceremony)
so the least I could have expected was to get
some time off
"Umama yena, is she good?"
Mihle: She's good yeah
Me: Fhaku is uZizipho still around or
waphindela ePE? (Fhaku is Zizipho still around
or she returned to PE?)
He was staring at the walls of the room when
he answered me, telling me she had left, a long
time ago. Then I presumed Aphindiwe wasn't
around that's why he made it here, I was hoping
she was back at res
Me: I know things haven't been the best
between mna nawe and I understand where I'm
at fault
He turned his head in my direction and looked
at him between narrowed eyes
"But I want to be the best I ever will be for you
and our son."
Mihle: Don't pressurize yourself. You'll only be
fit enough when you're emotionally okay
I kept quiet looking at him, contemplating
whether to say my next sentence or not. I
swallowed and responded
Me: And you know I can only do that with you by
my side
He raised a brow at me, keeping a straight face
Me: What I mean is ngoku we better off
sobathathu, we'll need you in ou...
"Nomthandazo, Nomthandazo."
He cut me off, looking a little agitated
Mihle: Andizelanga lonto apha (I didn't come
here for that). What I came here for was to see
my son and probably thank you for being a
mother to him from the day he was in your
womb.
Me: Kodwa (but)
Mihle: So please don't spoil the mood. I'm up for
anything but this
I folded my arms over my chest and looked
away. Maybe I was being too pushy but he was
unreasonable and irresponsible, we had to find
a way through one way or the other. There was
still silence consuming the room when my
father peeped through the door, welcoming
himself in after we both looked his way
"Nyawuza, ndifuna uthetha nani Fhaku.
(Nyawuza, I want to talk to you guys Fhaku.)"
Mihle: Ewe Bhele (Yes Bhele
My father pulled in the chair next to the bed and
sat comfortably. He looked at his grandson, his
first grandchild for a while before turning his
head to face us. We were paying attention
attentively as my father addressed us, firstly on
how to be parents, secondly on how to be
parents and thirdly on how to be parents. That's
all he went on about, doubting our ability of
raising this child. I mean we were old, I was 26
whilst this man here was 29, there was no way
in hell we couldn't raise a child. I thought he
was done but almost buried myself under the
sheets when he asked
"Kwenzekani kuni? (What's happening between
the two of you?)"
I looked at Mihle who licked his lips and
glanced my way before addressing my father
Mihle: Akhonto Bhele, kodwa ndiyathemba uba
sizokwazi usebenzisana ngendlela ebhadlileyo
sikhulise limveku. Akhonto endiyirhalelayo
Bhele njengo mntanam ozokhula ebeza
bobabini abazali bakhe, along with their families.
(There's nothing Bhele, but I do promise that
we'll do all that's in our power to raise this child
in a matured way. There's nothing I wish for like
having my child grow with both parents, along
with their families)
My father nodded his head but didn't seem
quite impressed, well I knew I wasn't.
Tata: Sisezothetha Fhaku. (We still have to
Fhaku)
He removed himself from the chair and
squeezed Mihle's shoulder before heading for
the door, leaving us alone once again. This man
was really determined to walk out on me, was
he honestly not feeling any contact whatsoever
when we were together?
Me: Are you still seeing Aphindiwe?
He sighed, closing his eyes before he ignored
me like I didn&apos;t just question him and
walked over to where his son was laying. I
watched him, my heart aching. I wanted him to
tell me what it was I had to do for him to love
me again, there was definitely was something I
could do. He hovered over his son, watching
him for a long four minutes before he cleared
his throat and turned to look at me
"Uphuma nini apha? (When are you being
discharged?)"
Me: Nurse said robably Wednesday or Thursday
Mihle: I'll be here tomorrow
Me: Sele uhamba? (You're leaving already?)
Mihle: Can't be keeping your family outside
Me: But we can sit apha together like we often
did.
He walked over to me and brushed his lips on
my forehead, replacing the warm kisses he
often gave me
Mihle: See you tomorrow. Text me whatever it is
you'll need so ndizokwazi ufika nazo (so I'll be
able to bring them with)
With that he stepped out of the ward, not
looking back at me. I sighed, frustrated to know
that there was still nothing I couldn't do. There
was only one thing I had left in mind, target
Aphindiwe because trying to please Mihle with
her around was not working and it was
frustrating. What I wanted was our son to grow
up with both parents. My family left leaving
behind Sivuyisiwe who was still excited about
her nephew. She couldn't get over him and I
understood her excite, with her problem of not
being able to conceive this was probably a
double blessing for her.
Sivuyisiwe: Unjani uMihle uba excited? (How is
Mihle's excitement?)
She was holding the little boy in her arms after I
-ve asked her about four times to put him down
Me: He's overwhelmed. Just like you he couldn't
move away from him
Sivuyisiwe: Do you blame us? He's lost two
children already Nomtha
She glanced my way before returning her gaze
to the baby in her arms. She was calling him all
sorts of pet names, some which were female
nicknames claiming at this age any thing suited
him. When she left I was left alone in my own
thoughts and worries of knowing there are
chances that he wouldn't receive father love. It
cost me pain seriously because despite being
selfish I just wanted our child to grow a happy
child and with his father loving another, that
would be somehow impossible.

Mihle

I arrived to my apartment to a Mini Cooper

parked on my way, in front of the garage door.
Not knowing whom that belonged to, I would
have presumed I had a visitor but I was aware if
the owner, the only girl who had an answers to
everything asked and not asked. I unlocked the
burglar and let myself in, four pairs of eyes
looking my way.
Me: And then?
I cocked a brow, looking at them in awe. They
all were just staring at me like babies who have
been caught stealing candy, even Phindi herself
Kimberley: A hello would be better. You know
that right?
Me: Why you looking at me like I've got two
heads or something?
Kimberley: Because you walked in on us
I stopped in my steps and turned to look at her.
She was standing near the sliding door, looking
at my back yard
Me: This is my house Khamila, watch your
mouth
She slightly opened her mouth attempting to
talk, I gave her a questioning look and she
closed her mouth, deciding against it
Aphindiwe: Ungena sele usilwa noKim (You just
entered and you're already fighting with Kim)
Me: In my house
Phindi smiled at me before getting up to give
me a hug. She was in a better mood all thanks
to her friends. I enveloped her in my arms and
picked her up, her legs hanging from the floor,
she mingled her head on my neck, giggling
Me: Yintoni? (What is it?)
She whispered
"There's people here."
Me: Where?
Aphindiwe: Here
Me: Kwam (in my house)
She laughed as I placed her down. I needed
them to know if I felt like walking naked then I'd
walk naked because this was my apartment. I
greeted the other two ladies, Thando and the
other young girl whose name I had forgotten. I
walked over to my room giving the girls some
time of their own. I didn't have a problem with
them being around but I had to know that the
crowd wouldn't increase, those were her
number of friends and that's the number I
wanted to see in my house whenever they
visited her, anything above that and I would
stop these visits. I was still laying on my bed
when she walked through the door, her eyes on
me
Aphindiwe: Are you okay?
Me: Yep. Don't I look fine?
She climbed on top of me, sitting on my waist
with her hands on my chest
Aphindiwe: Ndibona lento ufike wazohlala
ngapha (I see how you just arrived and came
here)
Me: Ndikunika some time with your girls
She nodded, smiling at me before lowering her
head to my chest, I brushed the back of her
neck with my hands
"Saw the new baby?"
She literally sprung up subsequentlyt to that
question, I couldn't help but smile at how silly
she was
Me: Ewe
Aphindiwe: Jonga you are glowing from just
that question. Unjani? (How is he?)
Me: Ufuna nam (He looks like me)
Aphindiwe: Ncooo awusancume (You're smiling)
I sat up so she sat on my lap and ripped her
arms around my waist, I planted a soft kiss on
her lips
Me: Fatherhood looks good on me
She giggled, nodding her head with a big grin
across her face.
Me: Sizothetha ngalento ebusuku (we'll talk
about this tonight), for now go back to your
friends
Aphindiwe: Ndisaqumbile ke (I'm still mad)
I closed my eyes, laying back on the bed as she
removed herself from me. I only smiled at her
before she walked out of the bedroom.
I laid on my bed and felt my eyes getting heavy
on me, that's when I decided to allow myself to
at least take a nap.

I was woken by the sound of my phone

vibrating against my skin, I pulled it out of my
pocket and looked at the screen before
answering
"Tamnci"
Tamnci: Fhaku
Me: Molweni Tata
Tamnci: Unjani nyana? (How are you son?
Me: Ndiyaphila Tamnci akhonto, kunjani kuni?
(I'm good Tamnci nothing bad, how's it by your
side?)
He replied before clearing his throat, sounding a
little hesitated to speak. I knew something was
going through his mind, something he had to
say so I waited
"Fhaku ndifuna sithethe ngento ebalulekileyo (I
want us to talk about something important)"
Me: Ndimamele Nyawuza (I'm listening
Nyawuza)
Tamnci: Kukho into yobudoda ekuzofuneke uba
uyayenza (There's something manly you'll have
to do)
I narrowed my eyes, picturing the very stubborn
man talking to me over the phone, he was
stubborn abusive and that was why him and I
never head decent conversations, and for a
person who was the youngest amongst his
brothers, he came across as disrespectful.
Tamnci: Uyayiqonda uba silinde... (You know
we're waiting...)
He kept quiet
Me: Nilinde ntoni Tamnci? (What are you
waiting for Tamnci?)
Tamnci: Hayi uthi uMkhuluwa mandiyiyeke
lento sizothetha nawe ngayo ngelinye ixesha
(No my older bet her says I shouldn't talk to you
about this now, we'll discuss it all together
another time)
Me: Yonke into iright kodwa? (Is everything
okay though?)
Tamnci: Ewe nyana, ewe (Yes son, yes)
Me: Okay. Kukho into ebesele ndiyixelele
umama Tamnci, ndinonyana (There was
somethung I has already told my mother uncle, I
have a son)
He sounded surprised and wouldn't stop
shouting the news to the people at home. I
waited for him to get back to me
"Phi, nabani, nini?"
Me: Namhlanje ekuseni
I wasn't ready to respond to other questions
with the knowledge that this call was going to
be longer than it was supposed to be. He
searched some details still overwhelmed with
the excitement before he ended the call.
Yawning, I turned over and stretched my arms
over my head. I noticed the passage light was
on, I must have napped over two hours.
Dragging myself off the bed I heard a breaking
glass from the kitchen and some cursing
followed. I made my way to the bathroom for a
quick visit at the toilet before retreating to the
kitchen, Phindi was kneeling over the pieces of
glass with a dustpan and brush in her hands.
Me: What happened?
She jumped in surprise before throwing daggers
at me, I laughed making my way to her
Aphindiwe: Mxm
Me: Hayi Hayi
I softly kicked her butt as I passed making way
to the fridge
Aphindiwe: Undothusile (You startled me)
Me: Awundivanga xa ndingena? (You didn't hear
me when I entered?)
Aphindiwe: No
She replied, shaking her head while standing up
from where she was kneeling
"You''re wearing socks, bendingasoze ndikuvhe
(I would've never heard you)"
Me: Upheka ntoni? (What are you cooking?)
Aphindiwe: Spaghetti and mince. Oh I hope
ndisenza kakuhle (I hope I'm preparing it well)
I chuckled, taking in how adorable she looked
as she stared at the pots on the electric stove
Me: Let me see
I stood behind her in front of the stove and
accepted the string of spaghetti on a fork which
she aimed for my mouth, I nodded, indicating
that it was okay, well cooked. She opened the
other pot and scooped a piece of the mince
meat, I tasted it
Me: Shorts of some spice.
Aphindiwe: But ndigqibile uyipheka nje (but I'm
done cooking it though)
Me: Give me worcester sauce and aromat, I
think they'll do the trick.
She walked over to the cabinet and brought me
what I asked for, I attempted getting some
better taste on the mince meat before closing
the pot and turning the stove to two.
Me: Bahambe nini ooKhamila? (When did your
friends leave?)
Aphindiwe: It's been a while, I even managed to
get through with my assignment. My DP for
Foundations of South African Law depend kule
assignment
Me: Done with it?
"Ndishort nge referencing (only left with
referencing)"
Me: So that means I can
She turned and looked at me, her eyes
concentrated on the smirk I had on my face
Aphindiwe: You can what?
I took my bottom lip in between my teeth,
running my eyes up and down her body. She
laughed shaking her head as she stared back at
me blushing like her life depended on it
Me: Awufuni? (You don't want?)
She shook her head, smiling adorably at me
Me: Then I'll take it. And your skirt totally agrees
with me
She looked down at the denim skirt with three
huge buttons she was wearing. I'd only have to
undo two of those or rather lift it up without the
work of searching for buttons. I walked over to
her and stood in front of her, pressing her
against the counter she was leaning on
Me: It's been a week and four days
Aphindiwe: (laughs) you count?
Me: Ndizothini? (What am I to do?)
She placed her forehead on my chest, hiding
away from me so I wouldn't see her crack from
blushing. I lowered my head and found her ear
"It's because you're that good. I'm addictive to
you."
She smacked my arm before removing her face
from my chest. I cupped it, slowly taking her lips
into mine. There was nothing I loved like how
she stood on her tippy toes whenever I had my
lips on her, she'd always pull me in closer like I
wasn't close enough already. I picked her up
keeping my hands on her butt, she encircled her
legs around my waist instantly. Her bare thighs
made contact with my shorts while my hand
was holding her butt which was covered in lace.
The kiss was smooth, enough for her to receive
my love from it. I pulled back and examined her,
she was slowly grinding her hips against me
while her eyes were shut. I pulled her in closer,
pressing my hard self against her womanhood
which was covered in lace panties, she
immediately gasped her nails dug on my biceps.
I went back to kissing her before I lifted her
enough so she sat on the counter top, not
breaking free from our kiss. Her skirt was
already on her waist now, if this was any
different situation I would have reminded her
what I said a few minutes back. I moved from
her lips and tilted her head using my hand, I
traced her check with my tongue and stopped
at the between her neck and ear, sucking and
placing wet kisses. She moved to the edge of
the counter and tightened her legs around my
waist. As I went down her chest, tracing her free
nipples through the vest she was wearing, she
leaned backwards balancing herself with both
her hands. I removed her vest and ran my
tongue between her breast to her tummy,
licking and sucking the side of her tummy,
breast and neck ahead of going back to her lips.
My hands roamed on her exposed back pulling
her close, she touched my belt on my denim
short and tried unbuckling it
Me: Not ngoku
I said while her lips were against mine causing
her to pull back from the kiss, I chuckled, taking
in the look she was giving me
Me: I want to go down on you first
Her hands flew to her private part immediately
when I said that, I smacked her hands away and
she laughed moving them. I didn't have to ask
her as she laid on the counter bringing her legs
up to my shoulders. I leaned forward and kissed
her womanhood through her panties, she
giggled while letting out a soft moan. I played
with her while her panties were on before
pulling those white lace panties off, I pushed
my thumb in her vagina, she arched her back
holding my wrist. My eyes were on her
beautifully shaved, small private part, well it
was really tiny for someone with the size of her
thighs. I pulled her to the edge of the counter
before diving in and doing what was the start of
something great. 4-play was very important to
me, especially if I loved someone. It was not
something I did to any girl except to a person I
was romantically involved with and loved.

I was seated on the couch, naked, with her on

top of my lap. I had my eyes closed still trying
to compose myself from the ride she just gave
me, her hands were running up and down my
abs, meanwhile kissing my tanned chest. I
pulled her close and opened my eyes to take in
her face, she was looking at my lips but quickly
snapped her eyes to my own. My arm made
way around her waist while the other went to
her ass, I found her lips and kissed her while my
middle finger massaged her anus. She lifted her
ass and sat directly on my craft, she started
grinding, rubbing her womanhood against me. I
had to stop her because something in me was
awakening, that feeling I missed of making
women submissive. She wanted to take control
and it was enough having her on me riding me
but now she was taking it too far, she was
holding my hands above my head, rubbing on
me and I was hard in instant. I sucked in a
breath and tightened her hands that were
holding mine, she moved her other hand and
brought it to my manhood, holding it before she
sat on it penetrating through. I brought my free
hand to her waist and moved it to the rhythm of
her waist while she was at it. She had me on her
palm right now and as much as I hated this, she
was fucken good.
It was okay if she gave me a blowjob, that was
okay for the whole sex session. Or maybe if she
rode me once, that too was okay. But to give
me both and ride me multiple times, holding my
hands like she was doing so I don't have any
control over this situation, I honestly didn't like.
What was funny was how I allowed her though,
had it been any other lady doing this I would
have turned her over by now, on top of her now
but I didn't, I watched her handle me, my soul
leaving my body. Her ass was clapping against
me, her nails digging on my chest while mine
were holding her waist tightly. I let out a soft
moan, followed by a low "fuck" when I felt
myself shooting for the third inside of her. She
laid her head on my chest, planting small kisses
on my chest before she reached my mouth and
kissed me. She removed herself from on top of
me and knelt, hovering above me instead, I
cupped her face and kissed her for quite a while
before she stopped and looked at me, I stared
back at her. She giggled prior to hiding her face
on my neck
Aphindiwe: Uxolo (sorry)
She said softly between a smile. I spanked her
ass causing her to jump, she knew I had tried
stopping her a couple of times but whenever I
did she'd hold my dick and hand job me until I
eased.
Me: Awu'behave (You don't behave)
Aphindiwe: (giggles) Xolo kaloku
I looked at her thinking about how much I
loathed that she had my heart in her hands, she
could tighten her grip and crush it whenever she
liked. She brought her hands up to my face to
covered my eyes
"Sundijonga njalo (don't look at me like that)"
Me: Njani? (Like how?)
Aphindiwe: Ingathi I did something wrong
Me: You did but I'll let it go because I liked it
Aphindiwe: Mxm (giggles) mna ndithanda wena
(It's you I love)
Me: Ungafika kum? (Would you get to how
much I love you)
She nodded, smiling sheepishly
Me: Lies
Aphindiwe: I do nje.
Me: I know you do but not as much as I do. And
no arguing it
She frowned and tried talking, I shook my head
"Nope."
She parted her lips and I narrowed my eyes at
her waiting for her to talk but she closed her
mouth instead, I let out a softly suppressed
laugh
Me: Mbhaa
Aphindiwe: Mxm
She leaned in and gave me a cheek. I turned her
face and crashed her lips on mine, she
accepted the kiss. I pulled back and stood up
with her in my arms
Aphindiwe: Siyaphi? (Where we going?)
Me: Siyohlamba (we going to take a bath)
Aphindiwe: Impahla (our clothes)
Me: We'll get them when we done showering
She curled herself on me, her arms around my
neck meawhile her legs did the same on my
waist. There was no denying it, I was madly in
love with this woman and to be honest it scared
me. If any self claimed sangoma would come
and tell me that she used some love potion for
me, I think I'd believe it because I've never loved
someone in such a short period of time. I would
believe it if I didn't know the type of person
Aphindiwe was but I knew the young woman I
was holding in my arms would never do that.
I was getting all sorts of crazy ideas just to
keep her with me and these ideas included
visiting Andrew and warning him for the last
time. He was prohibited from playing on this
field but I heeded he didn't understand that so it
was high time I paid him a personal visit.
166 Entry

Khanyisa

I was laying on my bed, refusing to wake and

get prepared for work. I was going to leave East
London anyway, so nothing gave me the
courage to get up and do something productive.
Instead I laid here, thinking about my life which
was now about to affect the happiness of
others. I sighed, turning around to lay on my
tummy.
Being from a family of such old-fashioned
adults with people who just shut out your
personal feelings and opinions because you
were a child to them was horrible, soul tiring.
The pressure started when the last born
wasekhaya got engaged, leaving me to be the
only female left who still hasn't brought a
boyfriend nor gave my family the hopes of ever
getting married. I'm a recovering drug addict,
been clean for close to six years now and
honestly I believe my parents feared I'd only go
back to being that person again. That was
some high school nonsense and getting mixed
with the wrong group, right now I was stable,
working, had my own car but still was banned
from leaving home and renting my own place.
Parents really had no trust in me.
How rude of me, let me introduce myself. I am
Khanyisa Precious Mgaba, 26 years old, born
and raised in Butterworth, but spent most of my
years in Mdantsane, a township in East London.
For a living I was doing nothing either than a
trainer for Herbal Life and a member at the
Forever Living company. I was more for an
entrepreneur and never really had time to part
take in a relationship since I was always on the
road. I have a rough history, a history I've tried
moving away from, and hadn't it been for my
family I would have felt normal already. There's
seven of us, three from outside the marriage
and four from both my parents, and to my
parents' luck, we all got along very well. Two
males, five females. I was the only one left from
the females, no promises of ever getting
married, no boyfriend. I was not the black sheep
of the family if you are wondering but because I
once had a boyfriend who was involved in bad
hobbies, I ended up joining, he died leaving me
all alone trapped with the wrong crowd. Did
things I entirely regret and escaped death twice.
That wasn't how I planned my life but when I
stepped on the grounds of East London, with
the reason of getting education, I fell for the
wrong things instead. Dude had it figured and
trapped a young naive teenage girl like me back
then.
I turned and faced the other side when my
mother peeped through the door of my room, I
heard her sigh from where she was standing
"Hayi Khanyi awuphangeli? (Aren't you going to
work?)"
Did I mention that I was always on the road,
driving, either from Butterworth to Queenstown,
or to East London, or Mthatha, or to wherever
the road took me.
Me: Hayi (no)
Mama: Khanyisa
I snorted before turning to look at her. Her
hands were on her waist and a blank look on
her face, Cleary bored by my sulking. She was
59 years of age, still beautiful and her body still
standing strong.
Mama: Khavuke, khavuke (Wake up, just wake
up)
She stormed over to the windows and opened
the curtains
Me: Ndivuke and do what?
Mama: Something Khanyi. Awukwazi uhlala nje
and do nothing mntanam, it's unlike you and it's
starting to bother me. Now vuka and do
something
Me: Kuhleli ndihamba nje in two months, so it's
pointless
Mama: Two months is 91 days, lixesha elinintsi
elo (that's a lot of time)
I looked at her she stood below my bed, staring
back at me
Me: Can't I find myself a boyfriend?
Mama: You been saying lonto for the past three
years
Me: Two. And it doesn't matter for how long,
doesn't utata fear that maybe lamfana isn't
whom he thinks he is
Mama: Utatakho uyabazi abantu bakwa Gabavu
(You father knows the Gabavu people)
Me: Ewe mama but he's got a girlfriend!
Mama: Sundi shouta (Don't shout at me)
I laid back on the bed about to pull the sheets
over my bed when she pulled them first,
throwing them on the floor
"Vuka! (Get up!)"
She exclaimed before leaving my room. I sat on
my bed and thought of a way I could get my
mind of things, I looked at my laptop for a while
before pulling a face, that wasn't a good
destruction. After sitting for a while and
scanning my room for something to do I laid
back and pulled my iPhone 6 from under my
pillow and rang Palesa, the one real friend I had
"Wifey."
Me: Ubuya nini nakulo Grahams? (When are yoy
returning from Grahams?)
Palesa: On Friday kaloku babe
Me: Can't it he earlier. My parents are getting on
my nerves sana. Like I literally can't breathe
without hearing a single of how I have to act
Palesa: It's getting worse.
Me: Now that they're selling me out
Palesa: Hayi chommie, they aren't selling you.
You and I both know Mamzo wouldn't do that.
They're just concerned nge happiness yakho.
Me: Was calling you a good idea kanene?
Palesa: (laughs) I feel sorry for whoever this
man is
Me: He's handsome.
Palesa: You told me that already
Me: Had to mention it twice
Palesa: Khaze eGrahams (Come to Grahams)
Me: When?!
Palesa: Fuck don't be so loud. Today
Me: Asoze! I'm tired of driving. No no no!
"Fine. Fine."
I laughed at her annoyance before we continued
talking about my miserable life. I was miserable
to tell you the honest truth but I was the type of
person who never took anything seriously until
it happened. It took me forever to see how
some decisions would actually ruin my life, not
until then I would relax. Ignorant was the best
word my father would give me to describe this.
After dwelling on my thoughts I decided I'd go
to Grahams after all, just to ease my thinking,
the one thing that bothered me, he had
someone he loved already.
I heard his family didn't quite love her but that
wasn't my problem, it was something they could
fix themselves and then call me to marry him
when he's single, not to bring me in the picture
of someone who is loving another already. I
shook it off and took a quick bath before
heading to the kitchen in a bathrobe. There was
a covered bowl of oats, assuming it must be
mine I took it and added some milk and sugar
before heading to the lounge where my mother
was glued to the parliament channel he had on
Me: Molweni Tata
Tata: Khanyi. Unjani? (How are you?)
Me: Good
He looked my way, lowering the volume of the
tv
Tata: Everything alright?
Me: Not ncam (not quite)
He raised his eyebrows, an indication that he
was waiting for me to tell him my problem, I
sighed aware this isn't going to be easy
Me: Tata ndicela uzifunela ngokwam umyeni
(Father can I find my a husband by myself)
Tata: Khanyisa
With us black people, full name meant it was
about to get nasty
"Yintoni lena ungayivayo eyoba lento siyenzela
wena. Three months back you were a danger to
yourself, wanxila and uyayazi lonto uba when
done by you, ayikho right. (What don't you
understand that whatever we're doing here we
are doing for you. Three month back you were a
danger to yourself, you got drunk and you know
that when that's done by you it isn't alright)."
Me: But Tata...
Tata: Ingxaki yakho yilento yobane mali
ungayazi uzoyenza ntoni, ngoku it'll be of good
use xa unomyeni (Your problem is having
money and not knowing what to do with it, now
it'll be of good use when you have a husband)
Me: This is such a bad idea
Tata: Khanyisa
Me: Tata andifuni utshata (I don't want to get
married)
Tata: Ngoba?
Me: Ngoba andifuni (Because I don't want)
Tata: Wrong answer.
I snorted already irritated by this. He was right I
did have dreams of getting married but not like
this. He moved closer to me where he was
sitting and held my hands
"UPhathiswa did the exact same thing
mntanam and jonga uba uphi ngoku, happily
married. Nakuwe this might seem like a
nightmare now but it'll get through."
Phathiswa was the second last born, there was
a man who had just came and said he wanted
to marry her, she knew not off that guy, never
seen him but apparently he's been watching her
every move at church. She was one of the
gilders at church so this mysterious man saw
her then. She was furious, angry at my parents
for months kodwa ngoku she's happily married
yes, two years in her marriage and she has
never been any happier. I didn't mention that
from the five girls there was only four of us left
now, my other sister got shot at a strike in Jhb
and passed on.
Me: Andingo Phathiswa mna (I'm not Phathiswa)
Tata: Alright.
He moved away and returned to his seat,
returning his attention to the television. Those
actions were clear enough to show that this
conversation was terminated. My 62 year old
father was a strict man but didn't say much,
loathed arguing with children so instead he'd
always let you go ahead with what you wanted
to do, watched you from afar without saying a
word but when he puts a stop to it, then it had
to stop. I got up from the couch and rushed to
the kitchen before I strangled that man in front
of me. Look I had no problem with getting
wedded to this man, but what worried me were
the consequences of separating that man from
the person he loved.
Dressed and ready, I wheeled my suitcase out
of the house and placed it in the bonnet of my
car. I sat in my Polo 1.0 TSI, fastened my
seatbelt and searched my handbag for my
sunglasses before backing out of the yard
ready for the journey ahead.
Aphindiwe

A month had passed since the new born in the

family. Mihle went to go see him almost every
afternoon when he returned from work and it
sort of worried me because that meant he
spent those hours with Nomthandazo. It was a
worry I never raised though, aware that my man
would definitely freak out if he found out I still
doubted him. Right now I was in the lounge,
with my legs on top of his lap while he had his
eyes focused on the news playing on the big
screen of the television. It wasn't long since he
has returned from Belville from dropping some
things Nomtha wanted for the baby.
Me: What was it you wanted to talk to me about?
I asked when the English news came to an end.
He extended his hand and took a slice of the
pizza from Pizza Hut on the coffee table, he
leaned back and looked at me
Mihle: We discussing this kakuhle and we
coming up with resolutions. Andifuni msindo (I
don't want anger)
I nodded, nervous about what he was about to
tell me
Mihle: UNomtha ufuna uzolala apha nge
weekend (Nomtha wants to come sleep over
for the weekend).
I laughed. Okay look you must be thinking that's
sort of insane but what I was hearing was
worse so I laughed. He narrowed his eyes at me,
obviously annoyed by my childish participation
in this conversation. He returned his gaze to the
television and continued eating, I regained my
serious self
Me: Sorry that caught me off guard. She wants
to sleep here from what valid reason?
Mihle: She's bringing the baby
Me: Really? And you believe her uba she's only
bringing the child?
Mihle: Yes because her being here doesn't
mean she's here for me. Uzise umntana kum
(she's bringing the child to me)
Me: And sleeping over!
He sighed, leaning back on the couch with his
eyes closed
"Ndizoya eres akho worry (I'll go to res there's
nothing to worry about)"
He snapped his eyes open quicker than one
blinks
Me: I'm just giving you guys space
Mihle: Ingenaphi lento uyithethayo? (Where
does that come in in this conversation?)
Me: Kulento yoba one, you guys will need space.
Two, Nomtha seeing me here means y'alls
weekend ruined, me in trouble with my family
and her returning here every time just to piss
me off. So ndizohamba (I'll leave)
He looked at me for a long time before clearing
his throat
"Ndizomjika (I'll tell her to turn back)"
Me: No don't. I guess you need the weekend
Mihle: Need the weekend? Zisukaphi ezizinto
uzithethayo? (Where are all these you saying
coming from?)
Me: My mouth.
He chuckled finding what I just funny. I removed
my legs from his lap and placed the half eaten
slice back on the pizza box
Me: Ndisayohlamba (I'm going to bath)
What annoyed me was how gullible he always
was towards this woman, he knew her exact
reason for coming, it wasn't this bullshit of
bringing the child to him but who was I to say
anything right. I took a long, hot needed shower
before I stepped out and found that he was not
in bed yet, he was still at the lounge, his laptop
on his lap. I stood there, leaning on the wall for
God knows how long before he turned his head
sensing that I've been looking at him Mihle: I
hate that look on your face
Me: Ndicela ubuza is this how this relationship
is going to be oko?
He furrowed his eyebrows before placing his
laptop on the seat next to him, he stood up and
took steps before he came to a halt next to the
single couch and leaned against it
Mihle: Aphindiwe
Me: Could you answer me for once?
Mihle: Injani? (How is it?)
Me: Awuyiboni? (Don't you see it?)
Mihle: Hayi (no) enlighten me
He pushed his hands in his pockets and waited
for me. I watched him for a while before turning
on me my heel but stopped when he called my
name, I stared back at him
"I'm waiting."
Me: Never mind
I was about to walk away when something in
me actually provoked me to talk, I had to tell
him
Me: In fact mind. You know what I see kule
relationship that you don't see, is how you jump
whenever Nomtha says something. Mihle
ndiyalunywa, uyatsima. Mihle ndinentloko
uyatsima (Mihle I've got cramps, you jump.
Mihle I've got a headache you jump), Mihle this
and that, you forever acting. Ngoba kutheni?
(Why?)
Mihle: Because she was carrying my child and I
wasn't going to risk losing this one too
Me: And now umntana ukhona. So why is she
still using the baby as an excuse and why the
fuck are you allowing her?!
Mihle: You need to watch your language
Aphindiwe.
Me: No what I need to watch is how you're
trapping into this relationship, preventing me
from being with someone who won't have their
ex in the picture because clearly you aren't over
your precious Nomthandazo!
He raised his eyebrows at me, clenching his
jaws. When he kept I assumed I was right
because he would have told me I wasn't, at
least he could have said something to stop me
from thinking that way. I knew he always said
sonething but with the silence I felt like he was
actually confirming it
Me: I thought as much. I'm leaving for res
ngomso.
I walked out of the lounge to the bedroom and I
hoped he'd follow me but he didn't, I listened
carefully to his footsteps but to my
astonishment there weren't any. I slept before
he came to bed, at something past 11 after
having cracked my brain thinking of how much I
feared that he actually did love her still.

I turned over and faced his side, to my surprise

my bed side was empty but the pillow and
blankets indicated that someone was sleeping
here. I shut my eyes trying to endure the
headache I had early in that morning before he
walked in through the door, in his work pants
and nothing on top. He didn't greet and I
presumed we were still mad at each other, it
has been long since we woke up to such
tension, even when we've fought he made sure
we spoke things through before going to bed. I
got up, fixed the bed and went to take a quick
bath after seeing I had less than an hour to get
ready. I returned to an empty bedroom and dug
through my bag for a pair of black jeans, which I
paired with my redbat t-shirt and converse. I
fixed my weave, applied my make up and
packed someone of my clothes which were in
the wardrobe. I cursed when I saw not all my
clothes were going to fit in this small suitcase I
had brought, I picked a couple and left the other.
Packed my books, laptop bag and handbag then
rushed to the kitchen to prepare myself a bowl
of cereal. He was watching news, having a bowl
of muesli, it was his favourite. I made a bowl of
all bran and devoured it in the kitchen, I didn't
want to go sit next to him in that lounge when
the mood was this grumpy.
I wheeled my suitcase of his bedroom and
found him in the lounge, holding his brown
leather briefcase
Me: Ndicela undiphathise (Please help me carry
these)
If looks could kill, he would have been planning
how to get rid of my body now. I rushed back to
the bedroom to fetch my other bags, looked the
door and found him in the car. We drove in
silence so I decided to chat away on my phone
since it was clear we both weren't going to say
a word to each other. When we neared the
campus he asked in his husky voice
"Unayo igrocery res? (Do you have groceries at
res?)"
Me: No. Khange ndiyenze for two months, I've
been at your place oko
Mihle: So uzotya ntoni? (So what are you going
to eat?)
Me: I'll see.
He looked my way before turning focusing his
eyes straight ahead of me. No morning kiss, no
goodbye kiss when I left his car at the gate of
my residence. He drove off even more angry
because I told him I was going to be alright with
the luggage when clearly I wasn't because now I
was standing at that gate, wondering how the
fuck was I going to carry all these bags. Still
contemplating whether to leave two at the
security and rush inside to place the others, a
girl walked up to me and smiled
"Need some help?"
Me: Please
She took my laptop bag and handbag and we
walked through the gates, smiling at each other
Her: Ndingu Mandisa by the way. I've seen you
in class
Me: You have?
Her: Yes. So usukaphi? (So where you coming
from?)
Me: Home
Her Xhosa accent was bad, she didn't sound
Xhosa nor did she look Xhosa, but she was
fairly beautiful.
Her: (laughs) it's rare seeing someone come
back when the weekend begins. Lol or you just
have plans for the weekend.
Me: Can't do shit when you're home under the
supervision of parents.
I lied for the second time in two minutes. I was
becoming good at this lying thing. She nodded
slightly, agreeing with me
"Well I wish home was this close."
Me: Where you from?
Her: Mpumalanga. I'm Swati
Me: Wow.
That explained her accent but her looks. As if
she was reading my mind she explained
"My mother's Indian, my father's swati."
Me: Oh explains the hair and complexion.
She had the Pearl Thusi type of hair, that type
which every girl wish they had. We dropped my
things in my bedroom and I escorted her
halfway to her bedroom before returning to
mine and waiting for nine o'clock so I could
attend my first session.
I attended my first two session and had a break
at eleven, aware that none of my girls had free
sessions at that time I dragged my feet to the
library, deciding against going to my room
because there I knew I'd sleep. I entered the
library and scanned the room, looking for open
spaces but saw there was none, instead
hundreds of heads concentrating on the books
in front of them. I was about to turn and leave
when unfortunately I was stopped by a guy who
was packing his bags, about to leave the seat
vacant. I looked at the people I was going to sit
between and hesitated for a while, not that I
was scared of guys but I felt it was better to
intimidate girls than being intimidated. Knowing
I have no choice, I made my way to the now
vacant seat and smiled when the coloured guy
looked at me, he copied my expression and
looked at his books again. I pulled the seat and
sat carefully, cautious not to make a sound. I
pulled out my books, laptop and all equipment
I'd need before I started working on something.
It was long enough having sat there when my
phone vibrated against the table causing me to
earn a couple of stares. I looked at the screen
and rejected the call when I saw it was
Luthando, I quietly text her on Whatsapp and
found out she wanted to know about my
whereabouts. It was a few minutes after texting
her when she walked through the library with
Kimberely and some very cute guy, they
scanned around the room searching for me. I
signalled by lifting my head up. Luthando was
about to make her way to me when Kim pulled
her by the arm, stopping her and mouthed
"come" to me instead. I shook my head telling
them to come but felt defeated when she
folded her arms over her chest and looked at
me. I rolled my eyes while packing my bags
then made my way to them
Me: What's so urgent?
I asked when we were outside the library
Kimberely: We leaving baby
Me: Where are we going?
I stopped, looking at them in awe
Luthando: Not ngoku maan kodwa sizohamba
(Not now man but we'll leave)
Me: Where we going?
The guy chuckled, looking at the phone in his
hand
Kimberely: Can you just come. You'll hear when
we get to the car
She held my hand and dragged me, I walked
besides her, my arm hooked around hers
Me: I thought you guys were in class
Luthando: I was, Kim not.
Me: Siyaphi? (Where are we going?)
Kimberely sighed rolling her eyes
"To the bloody gate!"
She exclaimed ignoring the stare I was giving
her. I decided to stop with the questions and
just follow them to the gate and to my surprise
there was a bunch of males gathered around
three cars. Okay I wasn't aware these girls knew
the whole Cape Town male population. The guy
we were walking with went over to the guys
standing around the white GTI with opened
doors, amongst the crowd I noticed that
coloured guy who invited us over for drinks and
some drugs just right after I've met Kim and
Thando.
Me: These are a lot of men
Luthando: We don't know all of them, just a
couple who are friends and the rest of the
crowd are their friends
Me: Why are we here again?
Luthando: To plan for Odwa's birthday
celebration
Me: Who's Odwa?
Kimberely dragged me again like I was her
puppet towards another GTI but this one was
black
Kimberely: Xolisa where's O?
Someone peeped from the back of the way and
I assumed he was you O. The three of us made
our way to this guy and waited for him to finish
his phone call while I took him in. If you know
the guy from the short film Andile noGugu, the
guy who's now an actor ku Zabalaza then this
was your guy, just a little darker and wuth beard
but he looked so much like that scarred dude.
He was well built, appeared like he worked out,
your typical xhosa fuck boy.
Odwa: Girls
Kimberely: This was the girl we were talking
about.
Odwa: Oh hello nono.
He took me in a tight hug before pulling back
and smiling at me. Okay he was cute
"You good?"
Me: Ndiyaphila Akhonto Unjani wena? (I'm good
thanks how are you?)
Odwa: I'm great. Aphindiwe right?
I nodded, taking his hand for a mere handshake
Kimberely: You couldn't wait until I did the
introduction
Odwa: You left me with her name though skat
She rolled her eyes, what she did best
Odwa: Zikuxelele ezi girls why we here? (Did
these girls tell you why we here?
Me: Your birthday celebration
Odwa: Yeah but asikahambi ngoku. We just
wanted to know sibangaphi
Me: Okay.
Odwa: Where's uMihlali?
Luthando: She said she was in class last time I
checked
Two guys joined us where we were standing
Odwa: Uyahamba? (Is she coming with?)
Luthando: Count her in. You know uMimi unjani
Kimberely: So how long are we staying O?
Odwa: We returning tomorrow late
"And Kim you guys better be ready when we pop
by to fetch y'all."
Luthando: Thanks for warming her kwa early
Banele
We left the guys and made our way back to the
campus after finalizing everything, from a
distance we watched them drive their cars
Me: That's a bunch.
Luthando: Four of them aren't coming with us
though, they have a soccer tournament in
Durban.
Me: And the Odwa guy, he must have liked one
of you
They both laughed
Kimberely: Not at all. We just attended the
same course but he left behind because of the
second year I failed dismal. So he's already
working
Me: A paramedic
Kimberely: Yep then Xolisa is his cousin brother
Me: Okay.
Luthando: You look like you want to say
something
Me: I do. This birthday celebration, iphi? (Where
is it?)
Luthando: Knysna
Me: How far is it from here?
Kimberely: Does it matter?
Me: Yes it does. Had an argument with my man
and he's mad at me
Kimberely: So?
Me: I don't think it's okay leaving him in that
state
Luthando: What happened this time?
Me: Long story
Kimberely: So you're scared he'll come looking
for you here and you won't be around
Me: Yes
Kimberely: Then text him
Me: When?!
She laughed, shaking her head at me as we
ascended the staircase
"Now baby."
Me: I can't. If I text him now then I'm not seeing
Knysna
Luthando: So uzothini? (So what are you going
to do?)
Me: Text him on the way
Kimberely: And please do mention that he must
not come and fetch you because I know he's
capable of doing that
Me: (laughs) and he sure would
We made way to the cafeteria where we bought
some snacks and found ourselves seats,
chatting about this trip we were having in a
couple of hours. My lecture that was from 11 to
12 was already half way
through and I cringed when I noticed I missed it
but decided I'd ask Mihlali since surprisingly she
was in class. I took note of the time only
because Mihle was mad at me, I expected him
to pull through at five minutes past 12 but
presumed he wouldn't come see me at all when
the time was striking twenty-five to one. It was
something close to ten to when my phone rang,
his name flashing on the screen
Me: Hello
Mihle: I'm outside your campus
Me: I'm coming
I actually wanted to say "so" or "ndithini
kengoku mna" but I knew that would be very
childish. I was actually annoyed that he'd come
only when there was ten minutes left of his
lunch hour, where was he this whole time?
Me: I'll be back
Kimberely: We coming with you in case he
strangles you
Me: He's not violent.
Kimberely: We not taking chances
I loved this girl, no matter how crazy she was
she actually was the best. We found Mihle's car
parked outside the yard as usual, I gave my girls
my bags and walked over to the car and right
when I neared the vehicle he opened the door
and stepped out.
Me: Hey.
Mihle: I bought you some grocery, I don't know
if these things will be enough
Me: You did?
I couldn't help but smile, this was one of the
most thoughtful things any person has ever
done for me
Me: Can you drive me to eres, I'll be a little far
xa ndilapha
He nodded, opening his door
Me: Girls let's go.
We climbed into the car and two minutes later
parked in front of my residence. Loot and Kim
helped me off load the plastics and stepped
aside, giving Mihle and I some space
Me: Thank you.
Mihle: By buying these I don't mean I'm letting
this go. I might be here at five ndizokulanda (to
fetch you
I nodded only hoping he wouldn't come. He held
my face by my chin and planted a kiss on my
lips then another on my forehead.
I walked over to my girls blushing like crazy, and
I couldn't contain my smile as we made way to
my room. Inside we unpacked the plastics and I
was shocked by the amount of snack he
actually bought me - ice cream, chocolates,
chips, sweets, biscuits and another tub of ice
cream.
Kimberely: And you've got a little note
Me: What does it say?
It was a small paper, one of those office papers
that came in different colours where one could
write notes and hang them on the calendar
"I'm still mad at you "
I held the paper against my heart and looked at
my girls while I was pretty sure I was done
cracking from blushing this much. To be honest
with you, I felt like the luckiest girl in th I entire
world.
167 Entry

Aphindiwe

The reflection that stood in front of me was not

satisfying enough, I was changing for the forth
time now, trying to find the right outfit for my
first trip to Knysna. I kept on glancing at my
phone for two reasons - Mihle calling and telling
me he's outside, Kim calling and informing me
that they're outside. The first I was hoping
doesn't happen for many reasons, the ultimate
being how I didn't want to spend the whole
weekend under the same roof with Nomtha. I
didn't hate her, never would but I understood
that she didn't want me at all which was fair
enough. I removed my jeans and threw them on
the bed before grabbing my navy Adidas
leggings, paired those with the white vest I was
wearing already, my silk material pink jacket
and my white Adidas Stan Smith. I examined
my reflection and groaned when I realized I still
didn't feel appealing. I took off the jacket and
replaced it with the navy fluffy jacket instead,
maybe if I stepped away from this mirror I
wouldn't doubt what I was wearing. I quickly
rechecked that my Bella cosmetic bag had
everything I'd need for tomorrow, including the
clothes I packed for changing. I applied my
nude lipstick and was about to feel comfortable
on the bed when my phone vibrated, an
unknown number popping on the screen
Me: Hello?
"We outside!."
The guy said loud enough for me to hear him
over the music that was blasting from the
speakers. I grabbed my handbag and Bella
cosmetic bag, locked the door and descended
the stairs unable to contain my excitement. I
enjoyed traveling, exploring new places I knew
not off especially if I knew the road trip would
be extremely fun that I would want to repeat.
This was a good way to mentally freshen up for
the exams which were to start in less than a
month. I made my way to the GTI that parked
outside our campus, Kimberley was standing
near the car with O dressed in black leggings,
an olive green jacket and white Nike Roshe. I've
questioned her about the obsession she had
over leggings and I learned that she thought
they were more comfortable than jeans and
brought out a better shape of her than jeans.
Me: Guys
Odwa turned and looked at me smiling,
stepping on the cigarette butt he just threw on
the ground
Odwa: You riding with me right?
Kimberley: Me and Phindi both
He nodded, extended his hand to take my bags
Odwa: Handbag uzoyifuna? (Will you need your
handbag?)
Me: I feel it's better if I have it with me
He took the other bag and placed it in the
bonnet. I opened the back door and found
Luthando brushing her weave
Me: Loot.
Luthando: Hello baby.
Me: You couldn't get ready in time
Kimberley: No she couldn't. Can you believe
she's the one late this time?
Kim questioned as she sat on the front seat,
buckling her seatbelt. Odwa stepped in too and
repeated her action, he searched his pockets
and took out infinity gums, he halved one and
turned on the engine of his car. We drove for
about fifteen minutes before we came to a halt
in front of some yard and stepped out and the
first thing I noticed was the black GTI that was
drove by the other guy yesterday. There was
also a red Renault Clio that was being polished
on the inside by some guy. We followed after
Odwa and we stepped into the crowded house,
the smell of strawberry flavour from hubbly
bubbly mixed with fragrances filled the air.
Certain pairs of eyes gazed our way when we
walked into the lounge
"Nanku Mr Party! (Here's Mr Party!)"
One of the girls shouted in a squeaky voice
Odwa: We here. Niready?(Are y'all ready?
Xolisa: Yes. Zuko brah khaw'cleane loHookey
pipe (Zuko dude clean that hookey pipe)
I didn't notice Mihlali amongst the crowd until
she came towards us smiling at Kimberley. I
turned to Loot and sighed
Luthando: Awufuni siyoma phandle? (Don't you
want us to go stand outside?)
Me: Please
We were about to leave when Odwa gently held
my wrist and looked at us curiously
"Niyaphi? (Where are you going?)"
Me: Outside. Sonimela khona (we'll wait there
for y'all)
He nodded, slightly letting go off my wrist. I had
to remind him that he was still holding me
because his concentration was on his cell
phone. Luthando and I walked outside and I
actually breathed out a huge sigh of relief when
the fresh air found my nostrils. she was
searching her handbag for something
Me: Do you know how many girls we leaving
with?
Luthando: No but what I do know is most
people here are couples.
Me: Really?!
Luthando: Yes. And there's this other guy I want
She stopped searching in her bag and bit her
lower lip looking at me
Me: Uphi? (Where is he?) Okay wait, who is he?
Luthando: Tyson is his name. Some darkie,
you'll see him.
Me: And he doesn't have a girlfriend?
She rolled her eyes and that on its own meant
something, I giggled already excited to see this
guy. She took out her make up bag and asked
me to hold it while she searched through it and
applied a blood red lipstick, she checked herself
on the mirror before she threw everything back
in her bag and zipped it close. Three girls
walked out laughing and talking on the top of
their lungs, two were in heels and from the way
they dressed they must be best friends and
have planned their outfits. I felt a hand touch
my waist and was about to jump when Odwa's
hot breathe finned my ear
"Usahamba nam mos wena? (You're still riding
with me right?)"
I turned and smiled at him, I stood on my tippy
toes so I could reach his ear
Me: If Kim is still riding with us as well
He chuckled, nodding
Me: Loot
Luthando notched the side of my tummy
causing me to almost snap at her but stopped
when her eyes indicated I look at a certain
direction. I stood straight trying to avoid the
pain coming from my ribs and took in this guy
she wanted so badly - he was dark, had small
eyes, beard game was fleek. Broad built, tall and
exactly what all dark guys should look like. I
smiled to myself, approving the appearance, I
understood what she was fusing about.
Kimberley came out walking with that coloured
guy whose name I have totally forgotten, her
accent was even more attractive now that she
was talking to someone of her kind. As funny as
this may sound, I found their accent to be the
best amongst a lot.
The previous day I was told four guys weren't
coming with us, however that day it felt like four
times four was added, the crowd had multiplied
in great numbers.
Xolisa: Simele ntoni ngoku? (What are we
waiting for now?)
Odwa: Okay guys look, we riding five, five, four
One girl jumped in front of Odwa holding his
Markhams t-shirt
"And I'm riding with you Mr Party."
He smiled at her before he passed his gaze to
Kim and I swear I saw them talking with their
eyes
Kimberley: We riding with Odwa right?
Me: Yeah but we need to get one thing straight.
Kimberley: Wat? (What?)
Me: You're not setting me up with the guy
She laughed hard enough to distract the people
from talking about who was riding with who.
She then dragged me out of the crowd still
caught in the fits of giggles
Me: What?
Kimberley: Look baby (giggles) I wouldn't do
that. I know how much you love Miles and I'm
not the friend to sabotage your relationship.
Odwa asked to ride with us and that's that,
whatever he's planning ek weet niks van (I know
nothing about). And whatever happens between
the two of y'all is up to you guys, y'all are adults
after all.
Me: Okay thought you knew something
Kimberley: He hasn't given me the idea babe
I took her arm and hooked it around mine and
we returned to the group. I found out that
myself, Kim, Odwa and this girl were riding in
his car. My concern laid on Loot but actually
flushed it when I saw she was actually
unbothered not sharing a car with us. If I didn't
know better I'd say Kim actually liked Odwa
because from the minute Afikile, the girl,
exclaimed from excitement that she'd be riding
in the front, Kim had been pulling faces every
time she talks, and I had to fight the urge of
laughing. We stopped at a couple of garages,
filling tanks, grabbing snacks before we drove
into Knysna with undying excitement. The time
was nearing seven in the evening as the cars
parked at the beach side just so we could get
an hour to ourselves before heading to the B&B.
My mind was lingering on the fact that Mihle
hadn't contacted me since, nor had he read his
Whatsapp messages and what seemed to
bother me more was knowing he was with
another woman in the house. I cautiously
stepped away from the stone I was standing on
and made my way to the pavement to make a
quick call. His phone rang a couple of times
prior to his husky voice sending shivers down
my spine
Me: Hey. Unjani? (How are you?)
Mihle: I'm good Unjani wena? (I'm good how are
you?)
His voice was deeper indicating that he had just
woken up from sleep
Me: Ulele? (You're sleeping?)
Mihle: I was before you woke me up
Me: I miss you
He yawned before addressing me again
"Then let me come fetch you."
Me: No. Awunokwazi and we both know that
Mihle: Uphi? (Where are you?)
Me: Mheh?
Mihle: I can hear you're not indoors so uphi?
There was no way I was telling him I was far in
Knysna because that would mean goodbye
birthday party and I couldn't miss out on this, it
was fun already.
Me: At the beach with the girls
Mihle: You guys need to leave apho, for safety
reasons.
Me: We will soon
Mihle: Text me xa usendlini so I can call you
Me: Okay.
I nodded while saying that wishing he was
actually staring at me with those eyes. I was
about to ask if he was alone when I heard the
cry of a baby from afar then it seemed to be
getting nearer. I felt my irritation grow because I
was hoping she hadn't made it there
Me: I gotta go ke
Mihle: Text me when you back at your place
Me: I will Fhaku.
Mihle: I love you
My heart did that flipping thingy it did every time
he said those words to me
Me: Ndikuthanda nam (I love you too).
He blew me a kiss then hung up, I stood there
smiling to myself as I listened to my gut and felt
that it was actually calm this time around. You
might call me crazy but my gut feeling never
failed me, not even when my mother passed on,
for some reason when I received a call that I
should come home, I knew it before I left
Bloemfontein that my mother was in trouble. I
turned around and almost hit my face on
Odwa's beer but he was quick at removing it
from the way
Odwa: Yheyi!
Me: That was close
Odwa: I just came to check up on you. It's been
a while ume apha (You standing here). You
okay?
Me: Was just on a phone call
Odwa: Tatekhaya? (Man of the house?)
Me:(giggles) Ewe, ebesithi goodnight (Yes, he
was saying goodnight)
He checked his wristwatch before landing his
eyes on me again
"I might seem like I worry but you're my guest
so your safety and comfort is my priority."
Me: Well ndiseright bhuti (well I'm still alright)
He flashed that smile which screamed 'fuckboy'
from a distance and nodded
Odwa: So how long have you been with
utatekhaya?
We took about fifteen minutes to get to the
crowd which was only thirty seconds away from
us, only because as we spoke we'd take one
step and stop. He was a good listener because
that whole ten to fifteen minutes I did most of
the talking and he listened, making comments
here and there. Our conversation would have
been longer but Afikile came rushing towards
us and jumped on Odwa's back, I rolled my eyes,
finally understanding where Kim's annoyance
came from, she was trying too hard. I walked
away from them when he started attempting to
get her off his back between laughs and giggles
Luthando: Ubuphi? (Where were you?)
Me: Making a phone call to my man.
Kimberley: Forgot you married.
Mihlali: Yooh ayayinyamezela into (Yooh you
endure a lot). Reporting every time you step
outside.
Me: Not that I mind
Mihlali: I'd say that too if he was blessing me
financially like your man's doing.
Me: Intoni? (What?)
Kimberley: Now you're back to being your stupid
self
Mihlali: Haibo what?! I mean these things
happen. You're not the first to date a thug and
get showered nge mali but you must know
though, you don't leave such relationships. It's a
ride or die type of a thing.
Me: Mihle is no thug
Mihlali: I would believe that if I were you nam
Me: Just because you fly out to Durban just to
ride fossil dicks doesn't mean everyone flexing
is actually stooping low to your level. We have
parents who know they have children.
Her jaw dropped to the ground and I heard
Kimberley stiffle a giggle prior to making a
comment before I turned away, leaving them in
that small circle
Me: Odwa don't we have a B&B to find! Kukho
izinto esele zindidika ngale beach (there are
things which are already annoying me about
this beach
I hissed when Kimberley smacked my butt and
threw her arm over my shoulder
Kimberley: Remind me never to call your man a
thug
Me: (giggles) Don't be silly. That girl really gets
on my nerves.
Kimberley: And you actually had a come back
today
She pulled me in and kissed my cheek
"Good girl."
Me: She should watch her mouth because if I
was violent I would've threw her in this beach.
Kimberley: And I would help you pick her up,
she's a little too thick for you to carry her all by
yourself.
I smiled shaking my head as we made our way
to Odwa's ride. We found him inside the car
having a conversation over the phone with a girl,
I knew this because: one, the level and tone of
his voice, two his facial expression sold it. We
followed after the red Clio because apparently
the guy driving had a GPS and was familiar with
Knysna better than the rest of us. We arrived at
Paradise Found and to my amusement it was a
beautiful place, we occupied four bedrooms
which were all on the same side of the this
place. The first room we entered, by we I mean
me and my girls adding another girl who's name
I had not picked at the moment, was furnished
with two beds, a single and a double. Every
furniture piece actually matched the Brown and
cream white colour of the walls. The bedding
was a Brown and beige, a beautiful mat laid out
on the floor, a Samsung flat screen hanging
from the wall and there were two wooden
chairs with orange cushions. Kimberley threw
herself on the bed, already feeling at home. I
sipped on the perfectly dashed Hennessey that
half-filled the glass I was holding
Me: What's behind those curtains?
Luthando threw the curtains open and my
mouth dropped from the view. Through the
sliding was a balcony with a round table and
four chairs but that's not what caught my eye
but the river that came in view from where we
were standing.
Luthando: This is awesome. Kim come see!
Kimberley grinned immediately when she
stepped outside, spreading her arms as the
wind blew her hair all over the place
Kimberley: We having a braai right there before
we leave
Me: Sounds like a plan
Kimberley: Let me find Odwa and tell before
that little leech gets to him first
She walked back into the room, leaving me at
the balcony with Loot and the other girl
"I assume the leech is Afikile."
The girl said in a soft voice, I always thought I
had a low voice but she sounded like she was
whispering
Me: Yes
She giggled, her smile not leaving her face
"Uyadika nyani when Odwa is around."
Me: Is she your friend?
"Long story. I'm Yona by the way. uLoot noKim
abasasi introduce ngoku (Loot and Kim don't do
the introductions now.)"
Luthando: You guys haven't met yet?
Me: We just did now. Ndingu Aphindiwe
She nodded her head before she took a long sip
from the Flying Fish she was drinking
Yona: This calls for a smoke
I stood in silence with Loot who was busy on
her phone, already comfortably sitting on one of
those chairs before remembering that I had
promised to call Mihle, at least I was under a
roof noba yayingeyo yam to be precise. I walked
into the room and sat on the wooden chair, with
the cushion between my legs
Mihle: I'll call you
Me: Oka...
He hung before I could finish my response to
him. My thought was maybe he had to give
undivided attention to the baby who was crying
in the background. I was about to stand from
the chair which was uncomfortably paining my
butt out when my phone vibrated in my hand
Me: Fhaku
Mihle: Mambhele, useright? (Are you still
alright?)
Me: More than ever. Wenzani? (What are doing?)
Mihle: Just finished helping Nomtha get this
little man at peace
Me: What's wrong with him?
Mihle: Ebegqityo hlanjwa (He just finished
taking a bath)
Our conversation continued and I had to shush
everybody who walked through that door talking,
especially the guys but unfortunately I was
unable to keep Kim down for too long. So I
ended up lying telling him I was at Kims instead.
He asked about the grocery for the second time,
his worry was if I liked it and if ever there was
anything he didn't buy and nope, as far as I
remembered everything I needed was
purchased. After a good long hour with a couple
of minutes we ended the call, I was alone in the
room, everybody had left but I could still hear
their laughters from the other room. I threw my
phone on the bed and stormed out only to meet
Odwa and Luthando down the hallway, making
their way towards me
Me: Niyaphi? (Where are you guys going?)
Luthando: We were on our way to fetch you
Me: Where we going?
Odwa: To buy a couple of stuff we'll need then
head to the beach for a braai
Me: Then let's go
I passed through them but stopped when Odwa
held my wrist
"You'll need your bikinis."
Me: We swimming?!
I exclaimed, you had to understand my panic I
didn't grow around an area with a beach, wasn't
so familiar with one, I hated swimming so you
can imagine my reaction
Luthando: Yes
She said that while making her way to the
bedroom, I stood put on that place looking at
Odwa who was staring back at me. He touched
my chin and smiled
Odwa: You don't have to if awufuni.
I sighed, plastering a smile on my face
Me: You're a life saver
Odwa: But do wear the bikini
The smirk on his face caused me to smack his
arm, he laughed stepping away from me. We
both walked into the room and I threw in my
bikinis in the bag Loot was packing, she had
bikinis and some towels there. We left the B&B
and went to the nearest place where we could
get more alcohol because we had enough meat
and charcoal already. After a long drive of
getting lost we finally found one of these places
where we could get alcohol, a place that was a
little out of town. We bought enough booze,
what we'd need for the night then headed back
to the beach. The boys gave us some space to
change into bikinis and the weather allowed our
attire only if you weren't fully warm blooded.
They were setting the braaing stand and
marinating the meat when myself and a couple
of girls made our way to them. I had dressed in
a yellow full swimwear then added my leggings
on top, not because I was insecure but because
of the fear of getting cold. We gathered in a
circle drinking and chatting, honestly the vibe
was refreshing and nothing like I had expected.

After what seemed like hours of standing and

running on the sand playing with the beach ball
one of the girls brought we were called for meat.
Pork was my favourite so you can imagine how
much I devoured it, only in small pieces though.
Some people from the crowd were already wet
from jumping in and out of the beach while
some of us sat back and watched. Kimberley
came running towards me trying to keep her
wet hair in place
"You still don't want to join us?"
Me: No and stop asking
She sat next to me on the sand, panting
Kimberley: Damn but it's cold
Me: Because you're wet Kim.
She pushed her feet in the sand, while we
watched the others playing and laughing
Me: This is a chilled vibe, I'd get used to this
honestly. Not always grinding on each other in
clubs, sweating amongst crowd
Kimberley: This is a good vibe because we got a
good crowd
I nodded in agreement. She pushed herself up
from the sand and extended her hand to me
Me: Yintoni? (What?)
She gave me a bored face
Kimberley: Everything on this earth. You're
sitting here all alone while we there. Odwa's
worried that you're actually not enjoying
yourself
Me: (laughs) I have a feeling you're lying
She tried keeping a straight face but failed
"Okay fine you got me but just come!"
Me: You need stop making all these comments
about Odwa just to get me to do something
Kimberley: Could you not ignore what I said to
you
Me: Fine but andingeni manzini Kim (I'm not
getting in the water Kim)
Kimberley: Come again
I kept quiet, not willing to repeat myself. I took
her hand in mine and she pulled me up. We
walked toward the crowd before I stopped
when the water touched my feet, she ran into
the water. I took in the crowd in front of and
actually smiled when I saw Luthando talking to
the Tyson guy. From where I was standing it
appeared like a friendly conversation but at
least they were talking. One of the guys threw
me and another lady with water as he made his
way out of the water, we both screamed
stepping away. He shouted along the lines of us
not wanting to swim so he had to do that before
jogging towards the parking lot. Tyson, Odwa
and Luthando stepped out of the water and I
couldn&apos;t help but hold my breath from
how hot these men actually were. Their bodies
in shorts and nothing on top were enough to
make girls drool over them, as for me I only
watched innocently, knowing I had a man who
did better than them. Luthando scooped a
handful of water and threw it in my direction, I
shut my eyes as the water connected with my
face
Luthando: Get in the damn water!
Me: Sudika!
I attempted drying my face but got more wet
instead when O ran his wet hand gently down
my face, I stepped back but missed a step. I
hissed when my butt connected with the ground
and was about to throw swearing words at
Odwa but stopped when I took in his face, with
that smile it was hard to get mad at this guy. He
pulled me up chuckling because I told him I was
mad at him
Odwa: Can you at least get in the water?
Me: No
Odwa: Ndiyakucela (I beg yoy)
Me: Hayi O! (No Odwa!)
He tilted his head to the side and looked at me, I
waited for him to say something but he
shocked me when he took a step back and
examined my body
"What?"
Odwa: Do you love your tights?
Me: They're called leggings and ewe
Odwa: Then you might want to remove them
I furrowed my eyebrows not followed
Me: Ngoba? (Because?)
Odwa: Because sea water does destroy som
fabrics
My mouth hung open as it sank in and I again
started taking steps backwards
Me: You wouldn't dare Odwa
He ran towards me and had his arms around
my waist before my fat self could even run
"Odwa hayi! Ooodwa!"
He was laughing as he struggled picking me
from the ground, I was kicking my feet and
actually not finding this funny at all. Once he felt
I was in a perfect position he made his way to
the beach and I continued struggling in his arms.
I felt some water splash on me and actually
hoped it was the sea water already but when I
opened my eyes disappointment hit me when I
realized we were still at the surface and
someone was throwing water at us. I continued
screaming, literally begging him not to and he
stopped but way too deep for me
Odwa: I'll place you down
Me: Odwa ungakhe ulinge! (Odwa don't you dare)
He chuckled as he began to lower me, I dug my
nails on his arms scared to death about being
dropped in there with those big waves making
their way towards us
Me: Odwa ndiyak'cela (Odwa please)
Odwa: P look it's not to deep and I won't let you
drown. I'm placing you gently...
"Andifuni nobekwa (I don't even want to be
placed). Take me back!"
And just when I thought my threats actually
worked he placed me, the water reaching right
under my breast. Look I actually felt like I was
drowning already, I couldn't breath properly and
what annoyed me the most was how
entertaining this was for the rest of the people.
Seeing that he wasn't going to take me out I
began walking towards the surface but two
steps and my back was against his chest
"Jonga (look)"
Me: Odwa could you fucken let me go! This isn't
funny anymore
Odwa: I don't want it to be nam
Me: Then let me go toro!
He began walking with me to the surface and I
avoided looking at him when we reached the
sand. He turned me around and stared at me
Me: Can I go back to the B&B nafuthi.
I know this sounded like a question but it was
more of a command but I think it went in on one
ear and came out the other.
Odwa: You're blowing this out of proportion. I
wasn't going to let you drown
Me: I told you I hate amanzi
Odwa: I'm sorry ke.
Me: Mxm, ndicela uhamba (can I go?)
He stepped close and I remained put but turned
me head to face the other way, this guy was
beginning to irritate me. He placed his hands on
my shoulders and sighed
"Jonga ixolo. Didn't think this was going to
affect you this much, I'm sorry."
I kept quiet
Odwa: Can you at least say something?
I eventually looked at him and was about to
step back because of how close he was but my
heart almost jumped out my chest when he
cupped my face and his gaze lingered on my
lips way longer than it should have. He smiled
then planted a kiss on my cheek
"Do you forgive me?"
I nodded still a little astonished from this
contact we were having. He nodded still smiling
and I unaware let out a soft sigh when he
released my face. I might have been half drunk
already but I wasn't too drunk to feel it was not
okay to have him touch me that way, to make
me feel at edge like he did.
168 Entry

Nomthando

Even though I spent my night in the spare room

I definitely woke up on the right side of the bed.
I felt like things were falling back into place,
how Mihle rushed in this bedroom three times
when he heard the baby crying and stayed up
with me until he was awake. I groaned and
turned over to a sleeping Simlindile, he looked
peaceful like he didn't bother us the whole night.
I pushed myself off the bed and wore my
sleepers before dragging myself of out that
bedroom to the toilet. I rinsed my mouth at the
bathroom and followed my steps which took
me straight to the second bedroom in this
house. Careful not to make a noise, I pushed
the door open and on that double bed laid the
man of my dreams, he still was even after
everything he has put me through. I walked in
and tucked myself under the blankets next to
him causing him to shoot his eyes open and
glare at me
Me: Uxolo
I whispered, feeling the guilt creep in that I had
woke him. He shut his eyes and open them
again, the morning sleep still clear on them
Mihle: Wenzani apha? (What are you doing
here?)
Me: Came to see if you're awake
Mihle: Uphi uSim? (Where's Sim?)
Me: Sleeping.
He nodded closing his eyes again. I found my
chance and ran my hand on his abs, he sighed
loudly still with his eyes closed. He only
grabbed my hand when it made contact with
the waist of his underwear
"Don't."
Me: I want to
I attempted pushing my hand further but his
grip which tightened on my wrist made me stop
trying. I kept my eyes on his and what killed me
was how much I saw that he wanted this but
something was stopping him, probably that
witch. He pushed away the covers and sat on
the bed, his back on me. I watched him carefully
as he pressed away on his phone before he
placed it on the bed and stood up
Me: Ungazolala (You can come back to sleep),
I'll leave.
Mihle: I have to go to soccer practice anyway.
His voice was still deep from sleep, making all
my hairs stand from satisfaction. He walked out
of the bathroom and back inside after a minute,
I took in his figure and swallowed hard, my sex
drive was up way too high and I missed having
my body panting under him. I was about to talk
when he cut me
"You need to move, ndifuna ulungisa ibhedi (I
want to fix the bed)"
Me: Can you spare me a couple of minutes? I
miss it.
Mihle: I share it with someone else
Nomthandazo
The pain that caused in my chest. Instead of
throwing back the same words I swallowed the
lump and remained calm, I knew nothing caught
his attention like a woman who watched her
tongue
"It's okay. I just want to lay on it. What's
important is that I once laid on it too."
I stared at me through narrowed eyes for a
good ten seconds before he threw on a loose
vest to match with the baggy grey sweatpants
he was wearing already. I smiled to myself as I
tried hiding the disgust that she probably slept
this side when she was here, that made me
move over to where he was sleeping a while
ago. I was left in the bedroom for something
over twenty minutes before I heard my baby
crying, I instantly jumped out of the bed and
rushed to the other room. He was awake and
weeping for attention because when I took him
in my arms his cry eased. I grabbed his bottle
and took it to the kitchen where Mihle was
standing in front of the stove, preparing his
favourite breakfast, anything with bacon was
his favourite. He glanced my way before
dropping his eyes to his son and a smile made
its way on his face. He turned down the heat of
the stove and walked over to us, I was aware
his beautiful was caused by the little man I was
holding so I extended my arms and gave him
the infant. He was careful and gentle while
taking him in my arms, my heart actually
grinned from seeing them together like this
Me: Anafana (You look so much alike)
Mihle: It's not often that someone sees his
resemblance on another but ndiyayibona nam (I
see it as well)
I moved closer and held his bicep, helping him
watch our son who was staring at his father like
something was going through his mind
Me: Ingathi uzothetha (it looks like he'll talk)
Mihle chuckled passing me a half smile, I
absentmindlely pressed my lips against his arm
and only pulled back when I felt his eyes on me.
He was giving me a look I couldn't read, one
that made it impossible for me to actually see
how he felt about my sudden affection
"Let me prepare bathing him."
Mihle: Ndizobe ndilungisa ibreakfast (I'll be
preparing breakfast)
Me: Could you wash those bottles for me.
He looked over his shoulder and nodded before
I stepped out of the kitchen to the bedroom. It
took me a couple of minutes to get the
bedroom clean then gather what I'd need to give
Sim a quick bath. He was a month and four
days old, still quiet tiny but the situation was a
little better now because I could hold him, when
he was still young and prior to dropping inkaba,
my mother did the whole parenting thing. I sat
on the mat with his washing basin between my
legs, there was a bar heater in the room just to
keep the temperature at its best. I finished
bathing him and laid him across the bed, I was
only half way through with dressing him when
my phone rang averting my attention from this
little man. I reached for it and smiled when I
saw 'My Mother' appear on the screen
"Mama."
Mama: Nomtha, uright?
Me: I'm good ma wena?
Mama: Ndiright. UnjAni uLakhe, akahluphi? (I'm
alright. How's Lakhe, isn't he troubling you?
Lakhe was the name my father gave him, the
name we used at home. They were aware about
Simlindile but my father didn't want it being
used under his roof, something culture and
respect.
Me: He's behaving actually but izolo ukhe
wahlupha, wakhala a while (but yesterday he
troubled us, cried a while)
Mama: Oh I hope niyamhoya umntana
Nomthandazo (Oh I hope you're taking of that
child)
The worry in her voice didn't go unheard
Me: Ewe mama, simhoyile (Yes mama, we're
taking care of him.)
There were familiar voices on the other side of
the line before she got back to me
"Bendifuna ukuza apho kodwa uSivuyisiwe
wandicela ndingezi instead kuze yena (I wanted
to come there but Sivuyisiwe begged and asked
that she comes instead)."
Me: Okay. I'll let Mihle know. Ndicela ugqibezela
uhlamba umntanam kengoku (Can I finish
bathing my child then)
Mama: Alright sisi. Bye
I finished dressing my baby and clearing the
room, I was about to leavethe bathroom when
Mihle brought me a bottle with baby milk.
Yesterday I taught him in the kitchen how to do
meanwhile I was trying to keep his son's
weeping a little low. I had breastfed Sim but
only for three weeks and stopped, then after
then I gave him bottle milk. It was hard when he
started, clearing not enjoying it but within this
two weeks he has been drinking it he's eased.
He found a place next to me in bed and handed
me the bottle
Mihle: Ndizohamba apha emini (I'll leave this
afternoon)
Me: Where to, soccer practice?
Mihle: Yes and have a short meeting with
Andrew
Me: By five uzobe ubuyile mos? (By five you'll be
back right?)
Mihle: I hope so.
He touched the baby's forehead and smiled
while making his way to place his lips on the
new born's head before he got up and squeezed
my shoulder
"I'll be taking a shower. Breakfast is ready.
Me: Okay
He left the room and I remained there content
that at least we had a civil relationship going,
and I knew better than to push it, he was trying
and to have him soften up was if I noticed that
and not push him away. After the bottle ran
empty I made him burb then made plans on
getting him to sleep which worked. I left the
heater on in that room and the door half closed
as I made my way to the kitchen to enjoy the
breakfast. Mihle trailed in the kitchen wearing
track shorts, a black t-shirt and Nike training
shoes
Me: Sivu will be coming here okay.
Mihle: Sure. Ulele uSimlindile? (Is Simlindile
sleeping?)
Me: Ewe
His cologne had already filled the kitchen from
the second he walked in. Right now I was taking
his figure from where he was standing, in front
of the fridge
"Ungapheke (Don't cook)"
Me: Could you bring something less meaty.
He turned to me with an eyebrow raised
Mihle: And what's that?
Me: Anything. Pizza preferably
He closed the fridge and stepped away
holding an apple and water. He placed them on
the counter before returning to his bedroom
and returned with his sport bag, the time was
only nearing half eleven
Me: You're leaving already?
Mihle: Benditshilo nje (I did say)
Me: It's only past eleven nje.
A small smile made its way to his face as he
shook his head
"You haven't changed a bit, half past uyafana
no12 (half past is the same as 12)"
Me: No it's not
I pushed myself off the chair and walked over to
him, just like always I stood in front of him and
fixed his t-shirt where I saw it needed my touch.
He was busy typing on his phone making it
impossible for me to step any closer
Mihle: I'll see you ubuya kwam (when I come
back)
Me: Ungahlali ( don't stay away for too long)
Mihle: You said Sivu was coming around so
uzoba necompany
Me: But still
Mihle: Ha.a yeka utefa
He grabbed his bag while I helped him with the
bottle and apple then walked him to his car as
per usual. I leaned on the window like I would
every time back then if I were not on the
passenger seat next to him
Me: Bye then
He nodded reversing his vehicle from the
driveway. I stepped back into the house and
finished off my breakfast, cleaned the house
then prepared to bath. I only hoped tomorrow
wouldn't come because it was to cut short my
visit and I was still longing for this man's
presence even after having spent over 24 hours
with him.

Mihle

I had a cool and slow drive to the field since I

was early, I needed the time from away that
house because my mind was all over the place
with Nomthandazo around. I kept on wondering
the hundred ifs and how things would have
worked out. I was aware this was caused by the
pressure of wanting to be a father to my son, it
had nothing to do with her, I was grateful of the
woman I was currently loving. I was nearing the
soccer field when I dialled Phindi's number and
waited for her to pick up
"Baby."
Me: Mambhele. UnjAni? (How are you?)
Aphindiwe: Good Fhaku how are you?
Me: Ndiright (I'm good). How's your morning?
Aphindiwe: Great. Uphi, you sound like you're on
the road
Me: I am. Ndiya ebholeni (I'm going to soccer)
Aphindiwe: Nidlala match? (Are you playing a
match?)
We continued talking even when I parked the
car in front of the field. I spent about ten
minutes in my car when one of the soccer
players came opening the door on my side
"Miles."
I signalled that I was still on a phone call and he
nodded closing the door
Me: Nhanha mandihambe Mambhele okay
(Nhanha let me go Mambhele okay?)
Aphindiwe: Alright. Play safe
Me: Will do.

I downed the last drops of water in my bottle a

few minutes after the match came to end. I had
presumed we were only practising but was
caught by surprise when they announced a
match, as unfit as half of us were because of
skipping the gym and practice almoat all the
time, it resulted to us drawing with the other
team. To draw or lose was never an option for
our team and now the coach was furious,
threatening to kick some of us off the team. I
walked over to my car and removed my t-shirt
and soccer boots while scrolling on my phone
searching for a contact, when I found it I rang
him
"Drew, the coloured boy."
Andrew: Surprise getting a call from you. What's
up Miles?
Me: Ndigrand, hoe gaan dit met djou?
Andrew: Lekker. Smoko?
I chuckled, a little taken back that for once he
saw through my call or maybe it was because I
never called unless I had a problem with him
Me: We need to meet
Andrew: For?
Me: You'll hear it when I get to your place.
He went silent for a while before clearing his
throat
"Is there a problem?"
Andrew: Nee but do make it quick, I've got
places I gotta head to.
Me: Since when do you give orders this much
coloured boy. I'll be there in 20.
Andrew: Sure
We gathered at the field as a team for a quick
meeting and another lecture from our coach
before I drove to Cape Flats. I still didn't
understand why this laaitie preferred staying
here when he had all the money enough to buy
him a house at a more peaceful place. Having
resided that side I knew exactly how it worked
there, the eyes which watched you like hawks
when an unfamiliar car pulled through were now
looking at me like I was some walking ghost,
but I was safe because I had a couple of heads
nod my way. I was about to hella at one of the
nyaope boys I knew off when he immediately
signalled to me that he was watching the car, it
was unsafe stepping into this territory unarmed.
I walked to where I had assumed Andrew still
lived and knocked twice before Papi came
throwing the door open. He eyed me up and
down before staring back at my face
"And then?"
Me: Biza uAndrew? (Call Andrew)
I played decent but didn't know for how long
this was going to last, this young man and
myself weren't much of acquaintances
Papi: Ufuna Drew, udlala kum (You want Drew
you pass by me)
Like he had said, I passed by him by pushing
him away from the door and stepping inside, he
roughly grabbed me by my t-shirt and forcefully
turned me around that's when I took his collar. I
still had his collar in my hands as I watched him
carefully waiting for any word he'd speak, and
just when I was about to address him Drew
appeared from the passage, holding a glass of
what looked like whiskey
Andrew: And then? Wat gaan an hie'so? (What's
going on here?)
Papi pulled away from my grip and lifted his
chin up to look at me. Breaking the eye contact I
turned around to face Drew
Me: That seems to be your favourite line under
this shelter of yours.
Andrew: (chuckles) I don't know what Papi said
to you but it probably didn't get on your good
side.
Me: I'm not here for him, it's you I wanted to see
so I didn't expect to see his dick face at the
door.
Papi stopped in his tracks immediately when he
heard the description I gave for his face, he
gave me an enraged look for a long four
seconds before he turned and disappeared in
the lounge.
Me: You should discipline your wing man.
Andrew: Im pretty sure that's not what you
came here for.
Me: Certainly. What brings me here is more
interesting than this
Andrew: Lounge or here?
I took in the small dining space in front of us
and felt it was rather too small for me to fight
two men all by myself if anything got violent but
I proceeded any way
Me: I understand laaitie that you and I didn't end
on a good page and our chApter hasn't come to
an end yet but...
Andrew: Maa' wat? (But what?) If you've come
looking for a helping hand then you're at a
wrong place
Me: And why would I come to someone as
unorganized? You can barely train people to do
the job right?
He gave me a puzzled look but the smirk on his
face remained
Me: You need to watch your back coloured boy.
Andrew: (chuckles) funny how the exact same
motherfucker who taught me to go after what I
want is now giving me warnings.
I watched him attentively, actually counting the
seconds I kept to myself and it was a bloody
long six secs before I spoke again
"That exact motherfucker is now telling you to
fuck off."
Andrew: Or what?
Me: Your poes ass knows better than to shit on
my territory
And the bastard smiled. For someone who was
my friend before and knew exactly what pissed
me off he was doing quite a bad job
Me: You know I don't fucken give warnings
Peterson, this too is a command. Stay the fuck
away from Aphindiwe.
His expression mirrored mine for the time since
I addressed him, he raised his hands in a
surrender gesture
Andrew: Well Gabavu maybe it's your woman
you need to fucken talk to. Or maybe treat her
better.
Me: I won't pay you this visit again
I waited for him to respond but when he didn't
that was my cue to leave. I was descending the
staircase when I actually realised I should have
punched him because right as I sat in my car I
felt even more agitated that he took my visit as
a joke. Ndandiyazi uba ndandinga mothusi
because ever since we became opposing teams
I never really taught him any lesson like I've
done to other people, we always cleared our
quarrels through decent talks. I guess it was
about time.

I parked in front of my garage and leaned back

on the car seat listening to Aphindiwe's phone
ring again for the forth time. Her not picking up
the phone was adding more on the headache I
had, turning my mood extremely sour. I
attempted two more times before giving up and
heading into the house. The smell of a home
cooked meal met my nostrils as I stepped into
the house. My first glance was on my son who
was comfortably sleeping on the couch with
baby blankets balancing and covering him from
all angles. Nomtha came through from the
kitchen and leaned on the nearest wall in her
night gown
"Damn you look terrible."
Me: Diniwe (I'm tired)
Nomthandazo: What took you so long? I ended
up cooking ngoba bendingayazi uba uzobuya
nini.
Me: A match
She removed herself from the wall and followed
after me to the bedroom
Nomthandazo: And nidlale njani? (And how did
you play?)
Me: We could have done better. Si unfit so the
match was unfit
Nomthandazo: At least I cooked some delicious
food
I nodded as I sat on the couch and undid the
laces of my Nike training shoe
Me: How was the young man?
Nomthandazo: Better namhlanje (today). I think
uyayiqhela lento yongancanciswa (he's getting
used to not being breastfed)
I took in her shadow as she moved towards the
bed and sat at the corner, I lifted my gaze to
meet her eyes
"Yintoni?"
Nomthandazo: Something or someone got on
your bad side today. Tell me I'm wrong
Me: You're wrong
She tilted her head to the side and gave me a
genuine smile prior to throwing her hands up
and standing
Nomthandazo: Fine. If it suits you ke Mihle but
uyalibala uba ndiyakwazi (but you forget that I
know you
She walked out of the room leaving me all by
myself, the amount I needed ever since I
stepped into these walls. I laid back on the sofa
and closed my eyes my mind on the many
reasons I had in mind as to why Phindi wasn't
answering her phone. A good shower was all I
needed to relax a bit before I joined Nomtha
and Simlindile at the lounge. My son was laid on
the seat next to me, playing and sucking on his
hands while his mother and myself enjoyed
supper in small talks. My phone vibrated
against the coffee table earning both my
attention and Nomtha's. I placed the pork chop
back on the plate and picked it up as I glanced
the clock against the wall. I would have excused
myself for the sake of protecting Phindi but
Nomtha had already seen her name on the
screen
Me: Aphindiwe
Aphindiwe: Hi. Fhaku I'm sorry for missing your
calls
Me: 7 calls?
Aphindiwe: Khange ndiyivhe uxolo (I didn't hear
it sorry)
Me: Uphi? (Where are you?)
Aphindiwe: eRes (at the res)
Me: Usukaphi? (Where you coming from?)
Aphindiwe: Kim's place
I caught the hesitation in her voice but ignored
it that time, it would be a topic for another day.
Me: I'll call you ngokwam
I hung up after she agreed and right then I had
made up my mind that I was going to drive and
see her, I missed her that much. Nomthandazo
was looking at me as though waiting for me to
explain which was something I wasn't going to
do. It took her a while to speak
"So you still seeing her?"
Me: You do know ungoyenamntu
endingenokwazi uthetha nge relationship yam
kuye right? (You do know you're the one person
I could never be able to discuss my relationship
with right?)
Nomthandazo: lento just needs a simple yes or
no
Me: Isn't it obvious?
She nodded multiple times and from knowing
her that well I knew she was about to explode. I
watched waiting for her as she had her eyes
closed expecting her to yell or throw a tantrum
like I always knew she would but when she
didn't something happened to me. She smiled
at me as she leaned forward to take her glass
of water and took a sip. I don't know why I was
feeling this way but I was bothered that she
wasn't fighting it, I was actually bothered that
she was okay with this. Clearly this meant she
must have being seeing someone
Nomthandazo: Ugqibile utya? (Are you done
eating?)
Me: No
My head was spinning from this, I needed to get
some air. Why was I fucken agitated that
someone could be fucking her? I mean her
accepting my relationship was everything I
wanted so why wasn't I happy about her
reaction? She got up and retreated to the
kitchen where stayed for a while before
returning to the lounge when I was getting
prepared for leaving
Nomthandazo: Uyaphi? (Where are you going?)
Me: Somewhere
I finished off my last bit of food then left the
house. I rang Aphindiwe on my way to her
campus and she reported that she was at her
residence. In a matter of 38 minutes and I was
parked in front of the Stellenbosch school
residents waiting for the one person I wanted to
see to come out. It took her a while before she
came strolling out of the yard, dressed in a
gown and sleepers. When she stepped into the
car the smell of her bodywash or soap filled my
nostrils
Aphindiwe: Hello
She leaned in for a kiss and that's when I took a
hint that she was drunk. Her mouth was clean
and smelled of Colgate but I could see it in her
eyes that she intoxicated
Me: Why didn't you invite me over to shower
nam?
Aphindiwe: Ubufuna uzohlamba nam? (You
wanted to come bath with me?)
Me: Ewe
She fully turned her body and looked at me
while her hands were fiddling with my one hand
that she was holding
Me: Ubusela (You been drinking)
Aphindiwe: Kancinci. I'm just tipsy that's it
Me: Utyile? (Did you eat?)
She shook her head giving me a naughty smile
which she was trying to hide
"(Chuckles) Yintoni?"
Aphindiwe: I want to kiss you
The smile I had on my face became wider
instead, every time she consumed alcohol she
never ceased to amaze me, had she been sober
she would have just took the kiss. I held her
face by the chin and leaned in, her soft lips
meeting mine. The goosebumps that filled my
body as certain hormones awoke made me
drop my hands to her waist and attempt
bringing her closer. She seductively stuck her
tongue in my mouth and I felt parts harden, I
pulled back and took her face in before my eyes
dropped to her now exposed chest
"Do you have anything under this gown?"
She nodded her eyes dropping to my lips
Me: I swear if we don't stop kissing
She giggled, fixing her gown but that's when the
urge of wanting her increased as I stared
between her face and legs
Aphindiwe: Hayi Mihle.
She brought her hands to my face and covered
my eyes while laughing, she always did this
when the look was too hard to bare in her words
Me: Xolo
Aphindiwe: Sundijonga njalo (Don't look at me
like that)
Even though I couldn't see her now but from her
voice I could tell she was still smiling
Me: (chuckles) I won't.
She removed her hands from my face and
leaned in to plant a single kiss on my lips, I took
one of her hands and brought it to my lips
where I kissed the top of her palm
Me: Hambo tshintsha (Go change) before we
leave.
Aphindiwe: Siyaphi? (Where we going?)
Me: To get you something to eat
I watched her as she walked out of my car and
into the school residence. The feeling of
protection and belonging I had over her
increased every second I spent some time with
her. And for some reason I still felt I was doing
enough to show her I was the man for her. I still
wasn't the man she deserved
169 Entry

Aphindiwe
We sat in his car in the middle of nowhere,
bucket of KFC hot wings between us and a
krusher in my hand. I was aware that he hated
them, claiming they were too sweet yet he ate
Ultra Mel every second day. I at least convinced
him to get himself one and as expected it was
on the cup holder, untouched
Me: So you're expecting me to stay over for
December holidays
Mihle: I'd appreciate if you would.
Me: Uyayazi David soze andiyeke ndenze lonto
(You know David would never let me do that)
He was staring down at his phone his eyebrows
furrowed
Me: What's wrong?
Mihle: Nothing
Me: You don't look like it's nothing
Mihle: Just Nomtha, nxeee
I hated when I still felt like a side chick in this
relationship and every time I questioned it, it
was the same reason, umntana (the child). He
rang her and as always her annoying voice
achoed through the speakers
"Uphi nah? (Where are you?)"
Mihle: Out. Jonga lala, ndisiphethe spare key
with me (Look sleep, I've got the spare key with
me)
Nomthandazo: Uzobuya nini? (When are you
coming back?)
Mihle: Nomthandazo andazi (Nomthandazo I
don't know), sleep if you want to sleep.
Nomthandazo: Okay
He hung up and didn't say a word after that, I
had my own things running through my mind so
I kept to myself as well. After what seemed like
forever he turned and looked at me
Mihle: I paid Andrew a visit namhlanje.
And as expected I choked on a hot wing, it went
down the wrong pipe bringing tears to my eyes
and a burning sensation in my throat. What
made me choke was how I knew he was telling
me about this visit because it probably had
something to do with me. He was rubbing my
back, trying to help ease the coughing. After I
stopped he was looking at me like he had more
questions than before
Me: I wanted to say something while
swallowing. Damn that was painful
Mihle: Are you okay?
Me: Better so ubusithini (so what were you
saying?)
Mihle: I went to see Andrew with the hopes of
finding out what he wants from you
Me: And?
"Uthi uyayazi (he says you know)"
Me: What?!
Mihle: Yintoni? (What is it?)
Me: Hayi why would he say that?
Mihle: And how am I supposed to know?
He had his eyes narrowed at me, waiting for me
to actually give him a full explanation of this
whole mess. I spent a good two minutes
looking at him hoping he'd lose his seriousness
but he wasn't letting this one go. I almost
choked again when he spoke his next words
"Call him."
Me: What?
Mihle: Mfounele (Call him)
My heart floated on top of my tummy from
nausea, whatever Andrew said during their
meeting must have been off line, he had never
told me to call someone before, this means he
didn't trust me at all
Me: So you'll trust what Andrew is telling you
over what I'm saying?
Mihle: Why wouldn't I? You've went out miles to
see the guy so ndingangamthembi njani?
Me: No, he's gone miles to see
Mihle: And you welcome him
His gaze was burning through my own, making
me feel guilty for something I haven't done for
over two months
Me: I haven't been seeing Andrew for over two
months Mihle
Mihle: Call him
Me: I don't have his number for crying out loud!
He tilted his head and watched me carefully, I
was actually getting angry because he was
trusting him over me. I understand I've seen guy
when he asked me not to, even kissed the dude
but right now he wasn't trusting me a bit and it
hurt. He searched through his phone and
handed it to me, I looked down at his hand and
saw Drew written on the screen of his phone, I
swallowed hard
"Mihle I'm not cheating on you. I don't know
what Andrew said kuwe but I'm not cheating on
you."
Wayesandi jongile sana lobhuti (this guy was
still looking at me) and my worry was not
calling Andrew but more of what Andrew would
say on the phone. His contact wasn't saved but
I had him on my logs for missed and received
calls, I don't know but he has not given up yet
even after removing him on my Whatsapp.
Mihle withdrew his phone and locked it
Mihle: Aphindiwe I am going to say this for the
second time apha kuwe, I'm not going to share
you
Me: I know
Mihle: And uDrew ngeye ngaphambane esenza
lento if you weren't giving him the reason to
(And Drew wouldn't have been crazy doing this
if you weren't giving him the reason to).
Every time he sounded so serious and
threatening it mentally took me back to the two
times I've seen him violent, and without lying it
made me fear for my life because I was told he
has a temper problem and I witnessed it. I was
staring at the wind screen in front of us while he
was still throwing daggers at the side of my
face. I knew he didn't want to be around me
anymore when he turned the keys on the
ignition and accelerated his car to a familiar
route. Silence filled the car as we drove back to
my place, my head was throbbing from all the
thoughts and words I actually wanted to let out.
It was easy for him to throw a fuss about me
barely having physical contact with Andrew yet
he was spending the whole weekend under the
same room with Nomthandazo, even though I
trusted him, God knows what they been getting
up to with that lady.
We came to a halt opposite the gate of my
accommodation and he sighed a little too loud
before he lowered the music playing from the
radio
Mihle: Saturday next week I want you to know
uba I've got plans for us, in case you were
thinking of getting with your girls.
I gave him a look that I understood but didn't
utter a word, I was still a little upset and from
these many thoughts the lump on my throat
was getting stronger
"I hope we'll never have this conversation
again."
Me: Yeah (long pause) we won't.
Mihle: Ndizok'bona ngoMvulo (I'll see you
Monday)
Me: Bye

I woke up the Monday morning suffering from a

headache. Yesterday night I slept in the worst
mood, irritated, hurt and definitely mad at
Andrew. I remember deleting four messages I
actually thought I'd send him but this voice at
the back of my mind kept on telling me not to
so I didn't. Ndalala ndinexhala, ndavuka
ndinexhala (I went to bed worried, I woke up
worried) and it wasn't a great feeling. I sat on
my bed going through the assignment I were to
submit electronically today, I used the mouse of
my laptop to scroll and scan through it one
more time. My roommate appear through the
door, her body covered in a towel. She was a
humble soul, but quiet talkative. I love her for
not always wanting to know where I was going
but I actually realised that she got the picture
long time ago, whenever I wasn't around I was
with Mihle. She had asked me to give my space
away to a friend of hers once but I couldn't
because that room was my runaway place. She
greeted and sat on her bed moisturizing her
body. I took my study equipment and exited the
room, heading towards the staircase.
My day proceeded well, it wasn't disturbed
much by both my man and friends, Mihle not
coming around as usual shocked me but not
hanging with Kim and Loot didn't much, the
exams were approaching in less than a month
so everybody was glued to their books. I made
way back to my dorm after my last session at
three in the afternoon and prepared myself
something to eat before making way back to
the library for some more studying. I was about
to enter the hallway of the school's building
when my phone vibrated in my bag, making me
stop. By the time I managed to get it in my hand
it had stopped, I pulled out my hand and
examined the screen, a missed call from the
expected. He called again just when I began
walking
Me: Mihle
Mihle: I'm outside your school.
I kept quiet looking between the far gate and
the hallway ahead of me
Mihle: Aphindiwe?
Me: Ndiyeza (I'm coming)
I dragged my feet to the gate, it seemed forever
before I reached outside of the yard. He was
standing against his car talking on the phone, I
know his clothing looked great on him but his
uniform made him look even more handsome.
He looked up and half smiled at me, his
concentration still on the phone call. I did pick
up that he was talking to his mother about
something that concerned a visit, he listened
attentively to what she was saying before he
spoke back unclear about something
"Sizobuya sithethe mama, khona into endise
busy ngayo (We'll talk again mother, there's
something I'm busy with)"
The agitation written on his face was hard to
ignore, he sighed
Mihle: Ewe mama, ndizok'founela (Yes mother,
I'll call you)
He moved his phone from his ear and pushed it
in his pocket and finally I received his undivided
attention
Mihle: Ziphi ezinye bags zakho? (Where are your
other bags?)
Me: Bendiyofunda so andaziphatha because I
wasn't sure uba ndiyahamba (I was going to
study so I didn't bring them with because I
wasn't sure if I'm going)
Mihle: Awufuni uhamba? (Don't you want to go?)
Me: I do qha I didn't think uzozondilanda (you'd
come fetch me)
He was about to hug me when he pulled back,
his lips parted slightly
Me: (giggles) well you were mad on Saturday
ingxaKi, we hardly spoke izolo. You can't blame
me.
Me: Likhona ixesha azange ndakulanda ngalo?
(Is there a time I never fetched you?)
I shook my head, giving him puppy eyes
Mihle: Ncncnc.
He pulled me closer and gave me the hug he
has been waiting for since I got here, it was
followed by his genuine forehead kiss. He
opened the door and took out something before
closing the door and locking the car. We walked
beside each other heading towards the gate of
the student accommodation, he was telling me
about his son and I was listening to every detail
because I was the one who asked
Me: When are you allowed to fetch him and be
with him alone, for weekend maybe?
Mihle: You want to see him already?
Me: I know I'm not a child person but
ndiyarhalela umbona (I'd like to see him)
He smiled at me as we reached the gate. He
turned to the security and greeted, giving him a
suspicious handshake. The security guard
smiled, nodding that we could both go in ahead.
Once they were out of sight I turned to my man
and tilted my head
"What did you give that security guard?"
Mihle: (chuckles) lento?
Me: It's written all over your face. Heeee Hayi
sana. Nizi chommie ngoku? (Y'all are friends
now?)
He laughed a short joyful laugh as we ascended
the stairs. We made it to my room and to my
surprise ugirl was around, watching some
movies on her laptop while under the covers.
She smiled when she saw when we entered
probably remembering her last conversation
with Mihle. They exchanged greetings as Mihle
sat on the waiting for me to pack my small
suitcase, he was busy on his phone waiting for
me to finish. At least he wasn't sitting doing
anything or else I'd be pressured to hurry. When
I was done we made our way to the car once
again and had a smooth drive to Belmar. I
dropped off my bags in the room and gathered
my books to the lounge where I started
studying while Fhaku cooked.
The rest of the day was okay and so was the
week, even though I felt a little pressured
because whenever he was around me he made
sure I was studying, we barely watched
television because it distracted me, so
throughout the whole I was glued on my books
and him on his laptop.

Saturday we woke up to a cold morning which

resulted to us staying in bed a little longer. I
was still a little sleepy from sleeping at 2am in
the morning and this God given man next to me
stayed up all night with me, drinking his Play
and passing time on his Xbox. He was now
talking with his husky voice, telling me about
the problems they were currently facing at work.
Little did he know he was soothing me back to
sleep until he said something that required a
response and I was out
Mihle: Aphindiwe!
That little shock you get from hearing your
name being yelled out when you're somewhere
between sleep and being awake, that's exactly
what I undergone
Mihle: Heee ulele ngoku? (You're sleeping now?)
I smacked his exposed chest
Me: Sundothusa man (Don't frighten me man)
Mihle: (chuckles) Xolo baby. Let's go bath
I yawned and looked at him move out of the bed,
he had his back towards me when he spoke
again
Mihle: And ndiyacinga sisose sisiya kuDabs at
Mossel Bay (And I'm thinking we might as well
go to Dabs at Mossel Bay)
Me: Mmmm
He turned on the and looked at me
"Aren't I inconveniencing you with your studies
kodwa?"
Me: Hayi I could use a break
exited the bedroom his phone against his ear.
He walked in again talking to his aunt, the effect
this woman had on his mood was rather too
great, she was more of a mother than an aunt
Mihle: Ewe. Hayi hayi Mafhaku nizokhutshwa
ndim namhlanje (Yes. No no Mafhaku I'm the
one taking you guys out today)
....
Mihle: Ewe we eating out kaloku
....
He laughed quite a little loud, absentmindedly a
smile made it's way to my face. It rubbed on me
when he was this happy
Mihle: Okay ke Ma.
....
Mihle: Alright. Bye
He turned to me and narrowed his eyes, I raised
my brows thinking he was actually about to say
something that would get me worried but that
was until he said
"You picking the restaurant."
Me: Hayi, the last time I did that we ended up
eating at some Italian restau.
Mihle: (laughs) well inoba uzosisa kweye
Mexicans ngoku, seeing thst you're a loyal fan
of fancy foreign words
Me: Mxm
I pouted while he blew me a kiss. I did the bed
as quick as I could while he was picking out an
outfit for himself. He laid out black Markhams
skinny denims, a light brown jersey from either
from Markhams or these male shops. A white t-
shirt for underneath, his secret socks and
Brown leather Monk shoes
Me: Why the semi-formal attire?
Mihle: Because I feel like it
Me: Siyaphi nah futhi? (Where we going?)
Mihle: You'll ruin the surprise babe
He smiled when he saw the curious look on my
face, he stood behind me placing a kiss on my
shoulder
Mihle: Patience baby. Now let's go bath.
And with that he swept me off the ground bridal
style and walked towards the door
Me: My toiletry bag
Like I was light weight, he gently turned around,
took my toiletry bag with his pinky and ring
finger than proceeded to the bathroom. He
looked like a piece of something to eat as I
watched him wear his shoes, was it okay for a
man to look this bloody good without ecen
trying. It was times like these I doubted myself
around him, I would feel like they were better
women who would suit him way better than I
did. Dressed in my tight black skinny jeans, a
white long-sleeved vest which I tucked in, my
black coat and my brown block heels I
examined my image on the mirror. I smiled as I
outplayed the idea of matching my man and it
worked perfectly well. My brown handbag was
on the bed with my cosmetic bag next to it, I
was finishing off my natural look make up,
before tying my weave into a messy bun. We
shared a bowl of light cereal before leaving, well
it was his but when he walked in the bedroom
holding it, I dug in and had more spoons than he
did.

Our first destination was the Mercedes Benz

garage and as we drove in I thought we were
there to fix his car which I saw as okay until I
heard him speak to one of the consultants. I
stopped typing the message I was typing to
Asanda and looked at this man next to me, wait
what? He was buying a new car? It was funny
because he kept on saying to this man we, this
was why my heart melted every single time I
was with this man, even when mad at him.
When the white guy left us for a moment Mihle
turned to me smiling
"You're picking the colour."
Me: Which car are you buying?
I was excited I couldn't even contain myself, my
cheekbones were beginning to hurt from all the
smiling
Mihle: G-Wagon
My mouth hung open and I looked ridiculous
because he laughed, causing a few heads to
turn our way
Me: Fhaku nyani.
He nodded, the grin on his face about to
become fits of laughter in a couple of seconds
if I didn't contain myself. I jumped on him
actually feeling proud and happy for him. He
had his arms around me when the white guy
appeared again
"Sorry to disturb the moment but can you come
this year sir?"
We followed him to where the new vehicles
were situated and I was still smiling, literally
couldn't feel my face anymore. Immediately
when I laid eyes on these cars I knew exactly
which one I was picking for him. They allowed
us to jump into one, check the interior and Mihle
turned the engine on and off, checking it power.
I kept on nodding to myself as I surrounded it
Consultant: You love it?
Me: A lot. I always begged my dad to get this
car but unfortunately he's an Audi person
Consultant: Well we'd never understand people
who don't love the German machine
Me: I never would
He smiled walking over to Mihle. They
exchanged a few words before addressing me
Mihle: Any except for white.
Me: It's between black and that maroon. But
because black is so overrated, thatha la maroon
Fhaku
Mihle: Uyayithanda? (You love it?)
Me: Kakhulu (a lot)
Mihle: The maroon one
We waited for over an hour while he signed
papers and all this insurance things. There was
long explanations on the contracts, the
payments and monthly instalment and the
moment we walked out of there I had a
headache but couldn't care less about it, my
attention was on this ride. Obviously I captured
as many pictures of him as I could and like he
was knew it, the car looked perfect next to him.
We emptied the other vehicle and left it free of
any of our belongings before Mihle handed one
of the guys the keys and right after that we
jumped into the black leathered G-Wagon. I
couldn't stop looking around as I fastened my
seatbelt
Mihle: Uyithanda nyani (You really love it)
Me: I do. I akways asked uDavid to purchase
this car because he has a thing for big cars but
akafuna (he refused). Ngoku last year ndibuya
Jo'burg to him owning a Grand Cherokee
Mihle: That was my first option ke but you said I
can't have the same ride as your father's
Me: But this baby is beautiful
I dramatically ran my hands on the dashboard
before throwing them up and leaning back on
my seat, Mihle laughed as he stroked my cheek
with his free hand
Mihle: Then we giving you driving lessons kuyo
every Sunday
Me: What?
Mihle: Yintoni? (What is it?)
Me: Ndizotshayisa (I'll hit something)
Mihle: Not ufundiswa ndim (Not while I'm your
teacher)

The ride to Mossel Bay was excited because I

still couldn't believe I was riding in this car.
Apparently Mihle had an appointment with
Mercedes Benz a few days after I told him not
to buy the Grand Cherokee. I feel he never really
loved it after test driving it that weekend, I mean
no one would change a vehicle they loved just
for a girlfriend. We made a quick stop at Sasol
garage where I had a quick visit to the
bathroom while Mihle bought us energy drinks
and those Sasol wings, wings I tasted for the
first time and actually loved.
We arrived at Mossel Bay a little later than we
planned, turning our lunch eat out to a supper.
Let me fill you in with the excitement Dabawo
had when Mihle stepped out of his new car, I've
never seen joy to that level where someone
actually cries. Such things were rare in my
family and made me feel like we were lacking
something, this type of family love didn't exist
much where I come from. Before she went to
get dressed we held a short prayer in the lounge
where she thanked God for blessing her son,
praying that we grow stronger and that Mihle
proceeds in the good path he was walking on
already.
Phumla appeared for the third time from her
bedroom, dressed in jeans, some cute pump
and a warm jacket
Phumla: Phindi ndinjani ngoku? (Phindi how do
I look now?)
Me: You're better kengoku. I love the jacket
Dabawo: Phumla awuyikwi fashion constant p
haya. Mihle simshiye mntanam lona, funeke
niphindele eKapa (Phumla you are not going to
a fashion constant there. Mihle we must leave
this child, you guys still have to drive back to
Cape Town)
Phumla: Yhooo okay. Masambeni (let's go)
During our driving Phumla and I were chilling at
the back talking endless about Mihle and I. She
was asking questions and gratefully listening to
me while Dabs and Fhaku were having their
own chat. We ate at Spur, Mihle's treat
obviously. With the combos we ordered I
became full before hand and had to take my
food in a takeaway and leaving it at Mossel Bay.

The rest of the two months, September and Oct

over wet by a little stressful because I was
under the pressure that I didn't have enough
time left to study because on the second week
of October I were writing my first module. And
that week arrived rather quicker than expected
but I studied hard enough to pull through all
nine modules, leaving
the one I hadn't obtained a DP for during the
June/July examinations. If I somehow didn't
pass all modules with atleast two distinctions
then I might as well have kissed my monthly
instalment goodbye.

It was the first weekend of November, the 3rd

of November, a cool Thursday, down to two
more papers to be precise, I was driving from
Campus with Mihle at something to four in the
afternoon when he rushed me into his car
through a phone call.
Me: Siyaphi wabaleka kanje? (Where we going
with you driving this fast?)
Mihle: Oomama bathi base Belmar (Mother
says they are in Belmar
Me: Yena nabani, benzani? (Her and who, doing
what?)
Mihle: Nootamnci
I turned on my seat and looked at him, he
looked at me before turning to look at the road
again. I suddenly felt uneasy
Me: Then you should have left me at Campus
Mihle: Ngoba? (Because?)
Me: It's obvious abantu bakokwenu didn't like
me when I went there, anybody could see
through it
Mihle: And I love you so bangenaphi apho?
He turned my way when we stopped at the
robot, his gaze focused on me
Me: Abangeni ndawo but I feel it would've been
more easier for me if you left me at Campus.
Mihle: Uhlala nam Aphindiwe so bazofika
ukwam (You live with me Aphindiwe so they'll
arrive with you at my place)
I sighed. There was some long silence in the car
before he handed me a bottle of still water, I
believe he felt I needed it.
Mihle: I bet they're here to see the child anyway.
I nodded knowing that could be the only reason.
We arrived at the apartment to three cars
parked in front of the lawn, and I immediately
spotted Mihle's mother standing with two men.
Mihle stepped out of the car leaving me behind,
I was still trying to comprehend what was
happening. From where I was I could tell they
exchanged greetings and looked to the
direction of his car before his mother hugged
him and kissed him, probably congratulating
him. He opened the door for them and instantly
other vehicle doors opened and a great number
of men with a women about Mihle's age
stepped out. Mihle retreated from the house
and greeted the crowd as confused as I was, he
took curious steps towards the car and asked
me to step out so he'd lock the vehicle.
I stood besides him, my heart hammering
against my chest, something was wrong, such
gatherings always brought bad news and the
first thing that came to my mind was death. He
took my hand in his, exact same way he did
when we were at Port Elizabeth, giving me De
javu. We stepped inside and I immediately
regretted walking in there when all the men in
the lounge turned to look at us, no at me. They
weren't pleased as they took in my image and
our hands intertwined together
Mama: Phindi mntanam khayobeka ibag
uzondincedisa (Phindi my child go put your bag
and come help me)
I hesitantly removed my hand from Mihle's and
almost ran to the bedroom, almost being the
keyword. I wanted to but my mind was all over
the place affecting my legs. Returning to the
kitchen I had to pass through the lounge right
and the image I took in of my man standing on
one place looking dumbfounded told me
something wasn't right. I wanted to head back
to the room but with Mihle looking like he was
about to kill someone or had just shot someone
made me take slow steps towards him and I
froze immediately when I saw her. A lady sat on
the grass mats, ikhukho in my language,
dressed in the new wife attire.
I looked at her as I felt my breathing increasing,
my head was becoming lighter by second and
my knees weren't going to carry me in the next
ten seconds. I absentmindlely let out a
suppressed hurt laugh as I felt my ears getting
blocked by the air that was suddenly leaving my
face. I was about to talk but felt like something
was pressing hard against my chest, the hurt, I
wasn't breathing enough. I tried to let out a
couple of heavy breaths but felt I was running
short instead. Mihle gently held my arm, alerted
about the panic attack I was undergoing
Mihle: Mambhele. Phindi.
My vision was blurring from the tears that filled
my eyes and somehow even his touch burnt me.
His family hated me that much that
they'd find him a wife to marry instead of me.
My family problems, the accident, fighting with
my father all for nothing
"Breathe Mambhele. Breath babe."
And just when I was about to answer him I
freed myself from his hold, taking two steps
backwards before my body gave in. I remember
feeling like I was about to hit the ground before
my mind shut and all I saw was darkness.
Entry 170
Mihle

The panic that consumed me when she

collapsed, when I caught her body in mine was
enough to get me fuming over this stupid act
my family just pulled. Umama and this other
woman whom I presumed was the mother of
this fucken ill-minded lady rushed to get some
water while utatomkhulu wam was already by
my side, trying to feel her pulse. I was disgusted,
and angry was an understatement of how I felt,
I was furious. While utatomkhulu was busy
trying to wake her up I made a quick call to
Robert
Me: I need you here brother
Robert: You sound out of breath, is everything
okay?
Me: No, reason why I need you here. At my
place, ASAP Robert
Robert: I'm on my way
He was my doctor for a reason, any emergency
call and he made himself available because he
knew I paid him extra for every handy activity he
does. It was a matter of ten minutes before he
rushed through the door, in a black suit but his
work kit was with him. I quickly explained to
him what had happened and he asked me to
carry her to my bedroom so he'd have a good
look at her. I was standing at the door watching
him probably as he kept pressing his fingers on
her wrist and neck
Robert: Her pulse are working and she might
just...
He stopped talking as Phindi flickered her
eyelids. I moved from against the wall as fast
as I could and rushed over to her side, holding
her hand in mine. She opened her eyes but
seemed a little weak and trembling
Robert: She's weak. It's a sign of both panic
attack and stress, she probably wasn't eating
much as well
Me: Well she has been writing exams the past
few weeks so I do think she has meals she's
been skipping.
He injected some injection in her before placing
some pill container next to the bedside lamp.
"The injection will help regain her strength and
fight stress but immediately when she wakes
up get her something to eat."
Me: And the pills?
Robert: For appetite, just for in case
I nodded my eyes landing back on the lady
laying on my bed. The more I looked at her the
more angry I became, the thought of why she
was laying here hit me as I placed her hand
gently besides her. I walked Robert out,
informing him that I'll probably make the
transfer by tomorrow. I took a good three
minutes standing outside trying to comprehend
this nonsense act my family just pulled before I
stepped into the and stopped on my tracks
when I noticed the eyes looking at me
Me: Yintoni? (What is it?)
Tatomkhulu: Fhaku, khawuhlale phantsi
Ndodana sithethe ngalento (Fhaku please sit
down young man so we can talk about this
Me: (chuckles) sithethe? Sithethe Tamkhulu?
Since when nikwazi uthetha nina Ngoba nilapha
ngoku ningakhange nindithethe nam and now
that you're under my roof you want to talk?!
(Talk? Talk Uncle? Since when can you guys
talk because here you are without having
communicated with me but now that you're
under my roof you want to talk?!)
Tamnci: Hayi Mihle ayondlela yothetha leyo (No
Mihle that's not a manner to talk)
Me: Ibe le iyindlela yokwenza izinto? (And this is
the way of doing things?)
They all fell silent, looking amongst each other.
My disappointment laid mostly on my mother
and my father's elder brother
Me: Thethani Tamnci, izinto zenziwa kanje
ngoku apha ekhaya!? (Talk Tamnci, this is how
things are done now at home?!)
Tamnci: Mihle! Mihle! Uzobanendlela yothetha
nathi kwedini, asizophathwa nguwe apha.
(Mihle! Mihle! You'll have a way of talking to us
young man, we won't be controlled by you here)
Me: This is my house Tamnci. Andincediswa
mntu ngerent so under my roof I'll talk how I
want. Oyena mntu endimthandayo is lying on
that bed because of this nonsense.
At this I didn't give a bloody fuck about this
family they brought here with them, they were
fucken messed up as well
Me: Mama?
She was looking at me, hurt visible in her eyes
and at this point I didn't know whether it was
directed to me or to these people they brought
with
"Uyenza njani lento kum Mama? (How do you
do this to me Mama?)"
Mama: Mihle ndicela uhlise umoya mntanam,
ndiyakucela Ndoda (Mihle please calm down
my child, I beg you Ndoda)
Because she was my mother, the way she
spoke to me actually calmed me, I respected
her and took the decision to actually lower my
anger so I'd hear her talk
Mama: Ndoda ootata bakho bayenzela wena
lento (Ndoda your fathers are doing this for you)
Me: For me? If bebeyenzela mna lento mama
ngebendibuzile. Ngebe ndibuzile! (If they were
doing this for me they would have asked me
mother. They would have asked me!)
Tatomkhulu: Fhaku ndiyakucela mntanam,
khawuhlale phantsi Ndodana sithethe (Fhaku
I'm begging you my child, please sit down young
man so we can talk)
This was the second man I respected in the
family after my father, he, my father, my mother
and Dabawo were the parents I could die for
and right now having him here, along with my
mother broke my heart. They were playing
along with this evil treatment I was receiving. I
sighed and found a sat next to an almost
terrified young man, older than me but young.
My anger was now reminding me that I'm trying
to be a changed man but it was always telling
me that right now I could make exceptions,
that's how worked up I was
Tatomkhulu: Ndodana, Ngxesi Fhaku.
Njengotata bakho, abantu ujonge kubo
ngesikubuzile mntanam, in fact ngesithethile
nawe kuqala. Kodwa kuye kwabanengxaki
nyana, ingxabano yoba xa ungaxelelwa uzolwa
ngoba uziphethe (Young man, sorry Fhaku. As
your fathers, people whom you look up to we
should have asked you, in fact we should
spoken to you first. But there was a problem
son, a quarrel that you must not be told with the
sense that you'll fight it because you control
yourself.)
I chuckled, my anger increasing in big numbers.
I blew a few breaths, slightly nodding my head
Me: So nabona utata uba iright ngalendlela? (So
you saw father that it's okay this way?)
Tatomkhulu: Kuhanjiwe mntanam ndingekho,
kwabuywa kwathethwa ngale date ndingekho
so enye nenye ndizocela uyibuza uKayise
(people left without my presence, and returned
and spoke about this date without my presence
so anything else you can ask my brother)
Me: Tanci
Tamnci: Mihle ndizokuxelela lento mna nyana.
Andiyazi uzoyiva kanjani kodwa ndizoyithetha.
Sikufunele umfazi, uKhanyisa, naku ehleli apha.
Sikufunele umfazi ngoba lento yakho yokuza
nonodholophi abangazi kwanto nge culture
yabo ayintlanga (Mihle I'll tell you this son. I
don't know how you're going to take it but I'll
say it anyway. We found you a wife, Khanyisa,
there she is sitting there. We found you this
wife because this thing of yours of being these
town girls who know none about their culture
isn't great to watch)
Me: Ningenaphi kenina tanci, bathandwa ndim
abanodholophi (And where does it concern you
Uncle, I'm the one who loves these town girls)
Tamnci: Mihle uyihlo before asweleke wasicela,
mna nebrothers zakhe uba sikukhethise umfazi
uzobangu molokazana oright ku nyoko.
Yeyonanto endiyenzayo ke leyo, uba
awuyithandi uzoqina kwedini ube yindoda
(Mihle before the passing of your father he
asked us, myself and his brother, that we help
you choose a wife that will be a great daughter
in-law to your mother. That's exactly what I'm
doing, if you don't like you'll have to toughen up
like a man.)
I stared hard at this man, I knew the type of
person he was, more like the director of the
family. What he said must go, they respected
his word like he was some God and that's why
him and I never really got along because he
always forced things and turned them into what
he believed was right. There was silent for a
long while before I found the courage to look at
the lady who was still sitting on the floor, I
remembered her very well, that angelic looking
face was now looking at me like I had just
crashed her heart in my palm.
Me: Sisi, Tata ningahamba. Andizoyitshata
intombi yakho (Lady, Father you guys can live. I
won't be marrying your daughter)
My uncle was about to talk when there was a
soft clearing of a throat which caused all our
heads to turn towards the passage
"Phindi."
Aphindiwe: Ungamtshata (You can marry her)
Like I had just recovered from a concussion, I
felt blood rush to my head giving me that dizzy
feeling, I had to close to my eyes and pardon
her, unfortunately she repeated herself
"Ungamtshata, it's okay."
Her being here when she had to rest was one of
my concerns but at that moment it was the
least, I needed to know it was her talking
Me: Aphindiwe?
Aphindiwe: Mihle?
Me: Uyithetha njani into enjalo? (How do you
speak such?
Aphindiwe: Because it's the only way Mihle.
She was whispering but enough for the whole
room to hear her. I was already standing on my
feet, understanding the pressure she must have
been going through so I made my way towards
but stopped when she lifted her hand
Aphindiwe: Andifuni utshata anyway so you
might as well do the right thing and take her as
your wife.
Tamnci: Nantsoke eyonanto eyaziwa
ngulomntana, kuthetha isalungu akaso... (There
it is, the only thing this child knows is to talk
English she'd never...)
Me: Khawuthule Tanci! (Could you keep quiet!)
I was that loud that Aphindiwe flinched in front
of me and then silence filled the room. I was
fuming at this point, my mind throbbing
because of what Aphindiwe had just said and
being the result of my family's selfish deeds
Me: Phindi ayikho lento uyithethayo Nhanha and
we both know it (Phindi what you're saying you
don't mean Nhanha and we both know it)
Aphindiwe: I know it.
I shook my head, not breaking eye contact with
her
"You're only saying this because of this
situation. Mamele Mambhele (listen Mambhele)
I won't proceed with this, not if it means losing
you."
Aphindiwe: But I Can't continue like this.
Me: Do this for us Mambhele
Aphindiwe: Hayi Mihle! Hayi!
She was at the edge of crying and it broke my
heart. I knew she didn't want to do this but
because of the circumstances she was forcing
herself. I was about to hold her when she
stepped back, slightly shaking her head at me, I
was going to attempt holding her again when
my dear uncle spoke
"Mihle asizochitha xesha yilento. Kay'se
niyamva lomntana uba uthini, eyonanto
besiyizele apha bekukutshathi uKhanyisa
kuMihle not lena into. (Mihle we won't waste
our time on this. Brother you heard this child,
the only thing we came here for was to wed
Khayisa and Mihle.)"
Me: Tanci, kukwam apha. Uzondenza umntu
umbi kwababantu nize nabo because
ndizokukhupha (Uncle, this is my house. You'll
make me appear like a person who has no
respect to these people that you brought
because I'll kick you out)
I impatiently waited for him to respond but
when he looked at me like he was going to kick
me out first I turned to my lady who still looked
like she wanted me to hold her
Aphindiwe: Ndiyakucela, let it go
She mouthed those words instead of talking
Me: I love you Aphindiwe.
She stared at me long enough to have me
breaking from the look of defeat she was giving
me
"Ndizobe ndiyo packisha bags zam (I'll go pack
my bags)"
Her footsteps against the tiled floor were the
only thing I was listening to as she made her
way to the bedroom then there was peace and
quiet, that was before I heard a hiccup then a
cry followed. I took big steps towards my
bedroom and pushed the door opened but to
my unfortunate luck, it was locked. I attempted
pushing it countless times begging her to open
up but she only tried soothing her cry. I was
broken, nothing was as painful as always
feeling like you were the reason for the tears of
someone who loved you. It wasn't even 12
months since I met her and she had all reasons
to give up on me but she was still here
Me: Bhelekazi?
Her response told me that she was close to the
door
Aphindiwe: I'm fine
Me: Vula (open).
Aphindiwe: Mihle ndiyakucela toro.
Me: Vula Aphindiwe
She kept quiet before I heard her fiddle with the
keys
"Promise me awuzondisa elounge (Promise me
you won't take me to the lounge.)
Me: It's you I want to talk to damn't
When the door swung open I grabbed her in my
arms and like it was an invitation, she began
crying again. Being bad at consoling people all I
did was to continuously beg her to stop crying,
placing kisses on her head multiple times. My
mother walked into the room and stood at the
door, her eyes asking me for permission to walk
in but I shook my head, wanting to talk to this
lady alone. After what seemed like a good thirty
minutes she pulled back, wiping her eyes with
the back of her hands. I reached out for her
nose and wiped her runny nose with my thumb,
she still had hiccups from that long cry
Me: Can we talk now?
She nodded, breaking our physical contact
Me: What was all that about?
She looked at me trying to find words to explain
her break down at the lounge, what she said
back there
Me: Aphindiwe ndiyathetha!
Aphindiwe: Mihle I can't do this anymore!
Me: What can't do what?
Once again she looked up at me, a mixture of
doubt and fear clear in her eyes.
Aphindiwe: Being with you. Being together
Me: You can't be with me (chuckles)
Aphindiwe: Look at this from my perspective,
andonwabanga apha Mihle. A month is enough
sincumile then some thing or someone has to
come and destroy that. And yonke lento doesn't
affect you, iza kum lento
Me: It doesn't affect me? Aphindiwe?
I tried holding her but she pulled free and
stepped back
Aphindiwe: I've made my decision. Your life is a
mess Mihle and I can't be part of it. I almost
lost a family because of you and now the one
thing I was hoping your family would do (silence)
Me: Uyathandwa ndim and I think that matters.
Aphindiwe: Hayi Mihle, don't try turning this
around. Abandifuni and it won't change
anything, we can't be together because
abandifuni.
"Nonsense, ayikho lento uyithethayo."
She stormed to my wardrobe and pulled our her
suitcase, she took her handbag and laptop bag
before unlocking her phone, I watched her as
she placed it against her ear. She spoke to
Khamila, asking to be fetched, Khamila must
have said something because her eyes became
teary, shaking her as she spoke to the lady on
the other side of the line. She hung up and
captured her tears before they fell on her
cheeks
Aphindiwe: I'll be leaving xa efika uKim
Me: You're not leaving
Aphindiwe: Could you give me the space I
require?
Me: This is the fucken second time uthetha nge
space ever since we started being together and
the last time you raised this fucken topic I told
you I'm not the space type of person.
Aphindiwe: Well I am! Why must everything be
about you? Awuboni uba I've hurt enough uba
nawe?!
Me: And the best option is to dump me?
She stopped packing, holding in a hiccup as she
looked up at me
"No."
Me: And then yintoni lento uyenzayo? (and then
what are you doing?)
Aphindiwe: I need some space, please. I need to
be away for a while, from all this.
Me: From me?
Aphindiwe: Ewe (yes)
I don't know how long I stood in that room
trying to let whatever she had just told me sink
in and it still made no sense. I only came back
to my mind when she told me Kim was outside,
like she was saying goodbye for good and that's
what her actions told she started crying again
Aphindiwe: Maybe if we were meant to be
things would have been better than this but
yonke lento rings bad luck. If we were meant to
be we'll meet again ngendlela eright. (Long
pause) I'm sorry.
She walked out of the bedroom, holding her
bags, I did hear my mother call after her and I
wanted to rush out and follow her but
something kept me glued on that same spot.
Probably shock. My mother rushed in looking
devastated and surprised
"Uyaphi uAphindiwe? (Where is Aphindiwe
going?)"
Me: Uyahamba, lento beniyifuna kakade (She
left, what you guys wanted after all)
Mama: Hayi Mihle
Me: Akhonto oyingqandayo mama, uba khange
nifike oluhlobo apha nge'lapha. Akhonto
oyingqandayo (There's nothing your rebuking
mother, if you guys didn't pitch here in this
manner she would have been here. There's
nothing your rebuking.)
My mother understood the type of person I was,
I was her son after all, she knew when I was
angry then I was angry and there was no going
back until I calmed myself down. I noticed she
had a lot to say but refrained. I walked out of
my bedroom and headed to the lounge, my
mother being my tail
Me: Tat'mkhulu ndizocela nihambe, ninayo
indawo yolala ndizokwazi unibookishela
B&B?(Great uncle I will ask you guys to leave,
do you have a place to sleep so I can book a
B&B for you guys?)
Tatomkhulu: Sinayo endayolala Ndodana,
masikushiye uyicinga lento besiyithetha (We do
have a place to sleep young man, let us leave
you so you can think about what brought us
here.)

When they finally did leave I contacted

Aphindiwe about 14 times, the first three she
picked up and realised I was constantly begging
her to tell me her whereabouts, after the third
call she stopped picking up and eventually
switched off her phone because I reached
voicemail. I sat in my lounge paying no
attention to the headache that was troubling me
but rather replying her words in my head. She
wanted to be away from me was what she said,
that was practically dumping me, leaving me. If
I had the energy in me I would have walked over
to my tiny bottle cabinet and grab a whiskey to
drink to this but I couldn't, the feeling I was
feeling couldn't be fixed by a bottle of whiskey. I
jumped when my phone rang, silently praying it
was her but when an unknown number
appeared on the screen I rejected it but it called
for the second time and the third, and the forth.
Sighing, I swiped the screen and answered
"Hello."
The voice on the other side took me by surprise,
it was an unfamiliar female voice
Me: Ndithetha nabani? (Who am I talking to?)
She was hesitant at first, wanting me to remind
her that I was still waiting for her name
"Uthetha noKhanyisa (You're talking to
Khanyisa.)"
I closed my eyes, feeling this burning feeling
inside of me return, I opened my eyes about to
talk when she said
"Ndifuna ucela uxolo about what my parents
have put you through. Bendingayifuni nam len...
(I didn't want this as we...)"
Me: Ubungayifuni? Ubungayifuni kodwa ubuhleli
kwelakhukho lobubhanxa? (You didn't want it
yet you were sitting on that stupid grass mat?)
"Ndicela undimamele, please. I know ayilulanga
lento kuwe but it isn't easy for me as well."
Me: Jonga don't ever call this number again. If
you know what's best for you and your selfish
parents.
"I was ju..."
I hung up, now feeling like I could punch
someone. I tried Aphindiwe's phone again but it
was still on voicemail, it was a fuckery situation
because I had never saved Khamila's numbers,
was on bad terms with her brother so I couldn't
get hold of her to get through Phindi. I recall not
having slept well, waking up in the middle of the
night thinking hard about my life problems. Two
weeks passed my body still with me but my
mind, it always lingered on whether or not I
should drive to Stellenbosch University and
what drove me crazy was the fact that she
wasn't answering my calls and had ignored me
on Whatsapp before deleting it. At first I
presumed she had blocked me until I added her
on Nkulies Whatsapp then discovered that her
number didn't reflect at all. On that Saturday
afternoon I was sitting on a camp chair with a
glass of something strong, having a decent chat
with the gents. Bulelani was back in town again
and the braai was held in his back yard. I kept
on trying to call Aphindiwe but still to no vain.
Nkulie grabbed my phone out of my hand as I
was texting one of my workers to quickly trace
her number for me
"Jonga Miles, imaid xa ikwate oluhlobo
uyayiyeka. Yintoni yangathi zange wajola? (Look
Miles when a woman is this mad you let her be.
Why you acting like you never dated?)"
Me: Khazise phone yam Nkululeko (Just bring
my phone Nkululeko)
Nkulie: Bhuda kharinge nentwana yakho
uyixelele uba kuyothathwa abantwana for a
reason (Bhuda please talk to your boy and tell
him there's a reason girls are being fetched)
Bulelani: And for once ukhetha ukhala okwe
Ndoda, kuyakhulwa (and for once you prefer
crying like a man, you're growing)
Me: Mxm
I took my phone from Nkulie and text away like I
was doing, I impatiently waited for a response. I
kept on checking my phone every now and then
hoping to have received some news just yet.
After what seemed like forever he sent me a
text, telling me the number was found in one of
the houses in Sea Point. I informed my boys
about the crisis and as always I received a
lecture of not going there but when I refused
they gave me a 'play safe' one. Nkululeko not
trusting my gut he jumped in the car with me
and we hit the road. I was close to being drunk,
not drunk enough not to know what I was doing
or not being able to drive, even though I wasn't
driving like my normal self. 80Km per hour was
the speed I was driving at when I would actually
drive at 140/160 if I were my sober self.
Nkululeko was complaining about how he'd be
getting ass by now if it was not for my wining
ass, there was a girl he was praying he would
get but actually volunteered going with me to
Sea Point when I didn't want a wingman.
Something kept telling me shit was wrong the
closer we got and every time I promised myself
I wouldn't lose my temper because I didn't want
to scare her away. I checked the location and
typed it on my GPS when we entered Sea Point,
the house was two minutes away from where
we were parked.
Immediately when we found the apartment I
stepped out, unable to control my nerves as we
walked through the gate; nervous that I was
here to see her without her permission and that
I might find her with someone. Nkululeko saw
how agitated I was getting as we knocked at
the door and there was no answer but the loud
music which echoed through the house. My boy
attempted stopping me but failed when I was
already inside, my eyes meeting the small
crowd of people inside the house, I scanned the
crowd and came across a familiar face. She
seemed nervous as I made my way towards her
Me: Luthado
Luthando: Hey. Wenzani apha? (What are you
doing here?)
Me: Uphi Aphindiwe? (Where's Aphindiwe?)
Luthando: I don't think she wants to see you
Me: Uphi? (Where is she?)
When she Didn't answer I started searching the
house, from the kitchen, bathroom, the
bedrooms and back to the lounge where I was
at first. I was about to turn away when my came
across a sliding door to the balcony, Nkululeko
was besides me the whole time, probably here
to help stop me if I got violent which I was
planning not to. I budged through the door and
my heart floated immediately when I saw her, I
didn't register seeing her on a guy's lap as yet
because I was still happy that I was at least
seeing. Like I hoped she wouldn't, she jumped
away from his lap giving me the sign that
something was going on and that's what made
me snap
Me: Masihambe (Let's go)
Aphindiwe: Siyaphi? Andifuni uhamba nawe
(Where are we going? I don't want to go with
you?)
Me: Aphindiwe masihambe ngoku! (Aphindiwe
lets go now!)
Kimberley: Aren't you supposed to be married?
Me: Khamila not today
Kimberley: You can't come here ordering her
around like you doing, she doesn't want you she
moved on. So leave!
Assuming Nkululeko might have predicted my
next action he pulled her aside, she struggled
on his hold swearing in her language. I stepped
towards Aphindiwe but her mysterious guy
stood up and stepped in front of me preventing
any further contact, I chuckled trying to remain
calm
Me: Mfana ndize apha ndizothetha
noAphindiwe and I don't expect to have your
ass standing in my way. Move.
"Akafuni uthetha nawe chap."
Me: Bhekela (move)
"This is my house and xa ndisithi Aphindiwe
doesn't want to talk to you I mean she doesn't
want to..."
It was a matter of two seconds and I had him
against the glass table they were sitting around,
their bottles and glasses were all scattered on
the floor if not broken, he struggled under me
as I tightened his collar around his neck. I was
aware his buddies were trying to help because I
heard when Nkululeko cocked his gun, daring
any of them to make a single move
Me: Awuzobamba icherry yam then uzothetha
lekaka uyithethayo uyevha. I don't a fucken fuck
who's house this is, when I come to fetch what
belongs to me then I've come to fetch what
fucken belongs to me.
He was staring at me looking like if I freed him
he would actually fight me, I wanted to dare it
so I moved away and like I had expected the
bastard grabbed a bottle and almost crashed it
on my head, if it wasn't for my quick reaction
and it made contact with my elbow.
Nkululeko: Fuck!
He swung at me with the bottle cup and it cut
my upper arm, there was no time to pay any
attention to that, I swung
my arm at his face and pushed him against the
wall, crashing his head between my elbow and
the wall. I wasn't planning to but I felt myself
pull out my gun and aim at his head, my eyes
were concentrated on his which were now as
big as his balls. I was fuming with anger and
from afar I heard Khamila's voice beg
Aphindiwe to tell me to stop, I don't know if it
was my mind playing tricks on me or they were
in actual fact far. I felt someone grab my t-shirt
and with the mind that it might be someone
helping their dear friend I pulled back from this
guy but now aimed my weapon at his forehead.
I pressed it deep against his head and attended
the friend only to come face to face with a
terrified looking Aphindiwe. I understood her
fear, she had witnessed me kill a man before
and with a knife then
"Mihle please don't."
Me: Come here
She stared between my hand and her friend
who was against the wall, we all knew he had
no chance to escape because Nkululeko's eyes
were on him and I believed none of this bitch
ass niggurs were stupid enough to make a
single move.
Me: Sondela Aphindiwe (Come close Aphindiwe)
I was shaking from anger, I was out of patience
and what she was doing killed me, she was
more concerned about this guy's being than she
was about me. I turned my gaze to him and
deepened the gun on his forehead, he hissed
gritting his teeth together as the metal
stretched against his skin
Kimberley: You're going to kill him! Someone
please stop him!
Aphindiwe: Mihle ndiyakucela! Please don't!
I was totally shut and only wanted to crash his
skull, I didn't know this but something told me
this whole week I haven't seen her, he slept with
her
"I'll come with you. Mihle I'll come with you."
She was on her tippy toes now holding my
cheeks, I turned my focused gazed and looked
at her, her eyes were teary but I couldn't give a
damn right now. I lifted my hand and grabbed
her neck, rough I would like to think because
she closed her eyes like someone who was
enduring pain, I brought her head close and
placed my forehead on hers
Me: You're coming with me?
She nodded, looking straight into my eyes
Aphindiwe: I will if uyamyeka uOdwa, please.
Her voice was cracky and shaky. I removed my
forehead from hers and kissed it before pulling
her shaking body into mine with one arm, I
turned my head to her friend
Me: If I find out you touched her, I'll kill you.
I removed my gun from his forehead and he
lowered his head into his hands. I don't care
who was watching me as I walked out hand in
hand with a shaking Aphindiwe who just gave a
nod to two of her best friends that she'd be
alright. I knew they were people who took
videos and pictures because I heard Nkululeko
say
"If any of you post this shit, ncncnc."

I knew after today a lot was going to change,

the way she acted around was going to change,
her way of talking was going to change.
Aphindiwe was going to change. That scared
me because it was still the same lady I fell in
love with that I wanted next to me and I wasn't
the type to understand everything so chances
were her changes were going to frustrate me.
Entry 171

Aphindiwe

I've never seen him like that before, yes I do

remember when he killed my rapist he was
angry but not as much. The day I was raped he
was more hurt than angry but that day I saw
anger, a monster, someone who could killed
using his bare hands. We made way to his car
and I felt I couldn't carry my weight, scared was
an understatement, I wanted to die right on the
spot. I avoided glancing his way as I sat on the
passenger seat, there was silence in the car,
even Nkululeko didn't say a word. Mihle kept on
squeezing my thigh making me wish he'd
quickly remove his hand immediately after he'd
just placed it. My mind was anyway but on the
anger of the man sitting next to me, he
continuously kept on grabbing the steering
wheel his knuckles turning white every time he
did. My heart was hammering against my chest
threatening to pop out or I could say I felt like I
was about to throw up. I blew out a few
breathes to calm myself but failed, I was scared
to death, my knees still loose as I sat still on
that car seat. His gun was on his lap and I kept
passing my gaze to it every second. The drive
was tense not even Nkululeko could make it
better, this time around his presence was
useless. When we arrived at his place he gave
his car to Nkulie for him to drive home. The
time had just hit midnight, perfect for him to
plot my death and kill me without having any
trace, I'm sorry but that's what came to mind
when I saw him like this. When we stepped into
the house I closed the door and stood two feet
away from him watching his every move, he
hadn't glanced my way since we left Sea Point.
He sat on the single couch and stared straight
ahead, I did think that after some few minutes
he would have switched on the television but he
was still looking at the blank screen, and I, I was
still standing on that one place. Up to that time I
was shaking and kept blowing soft, shaky sighs.
After what seemed like a decade he finally
stared my way, his gaze bore in me and I looked
back at him praying he'd at least lose the anger
that was showing in his eyes
"Yizohlala phantsi (Come sit down)"
It has never took me that long to walk from the
door to the couch, if there was a way I'd head
the opposite direction and run but I knew no
matter what I still loved him and that's why I
walked towards the couch he appointed. I
dropped my eyes to my feet immediately when I
sat on the couch and even then I still felt his
gaze on me. Hayi mntase wayengathi ugade
umntana omncinci sana, ingade ndihleli
nomatshingilane endlini (Oh he acted like he
was looking after a little child, like I was with
some security guard in the house.)
Mihle: Aphindiwe
Me: Mihle
Mihle: Ndijonge xa ndathetha nawe (Look at me
when I'm talking to you).
I lifted my head and faces the monster in front
of me, with him looking like this I wasn't
admitting anything, I couldn't, he was probably
going to kill me.
Mihle: Ngubani lanja ubuhleli nayo? (Who's that
dog you were sitting with?)
Me: I was with a lot of people
"That bastard that had you glued to his lap
damnt!"
Me: Ngu Odwa (it's Odwa)
Mihle: Uyamfuna? (You want him?)
Me: Hayi
Mihle: He's fucking you?
Me: No.
He chuckled and it amused me how calm yet
angry he looked, he simultaneously licked his
lips while running his hand down his face. I
knew this wasn't going to be easy but I now
sensed it was going to be worse than I thought
Mihle: Ndizokubuza futhi (I'll ask you again), Is
he fucking you?
Me: No
Mihle: Uphambene Aphindiwe? (Are you mad
Aphindiwe?) I'm fucken giving you a chance to
rectify your damn self and you still lying. Is this
bastard fucking you?!
Me: Hayi Mihle!
He stood up obviously fuming, I didn't know
whether to stand or sit but because I knew it
would be an advantage if I stood I did that just
in case he hit me. I wasn't telling the whole truth
but I wasn't lying either, Odwa and I never went
intimate. He stopped pacing and turned to me, I
felt my heart beat hard against my chest from
just looking at him in this condition
Mihle: Mambhele ndisakucenga (Mambhele I'm
still begging you)
Me: Khange ndenze nto no Odwa (I did nothing
with Odwa)
He hit the dining table with a fist and I swear I
heard that thick glass on top crack when I
jumped
"Uphambene?! Are you fucken out of your
mind?!"
Me: Hayi
He took long steps towards and at the back of
my head something told me to stand still
because I remembered how much he hated it
when I refused contact with him but I stepped
back regardless, he came to a halt a foot before
me
Mihle: You are fucking me up.
Me: Mihle ndi...
Mihle: Ndizokubuza futhi Aphindiwe and if you
lie again. Wenzani nalanja? (What are you doing
with that dog?)
I shook my head and that right there was my
mistake, unable to step back because I was
going to fall over the coffee table he grabbed
my face by the cheeks digging his fingers deep
in my cheekbones. You can imagine my shook
right, that unpleasant feeling caused by him
putting his hands on me. I held his arm trying to
fight the pressure he was applying more, it felt
like he could break my jaws just from holding
me that way. He was staring straight into my
eyes clearly daring me to speak but I couldn't
even open my mouth from the way he was
holding me instead I felt like my facial skeleton
would break. He finally let go only when my
eyes filled with tears, when he released me I
swear there was nothing better I could have
asked for but being free from that hold.
Between soft sobs I managed to say
"I'm sorry. Uxolo Fhaku."
Mihle: Thetha
I wiped my tears with the back of my hands
drying my cheeks and eyes but it was useless
the tears kept coming, something was
happening in my heart and it was an unbearable
feeling
Me: Promise you won't hurt him.
He laughed. Thixo wam lobhuti wahleka ninani
and then I regretted asking that
Mihle: You care about the laaitie huh? It's cute.
He was looking at me smiling but that was
before that smile faded into a serious blank
look
Mihle: Jonga ke sthandwa sam, uyamthanda
then you'll talk
Me: I care about him and you'll kill him anyway!
Whether I talk or not you will...
Mihle: Just talk damnt!!
I jumped and flinched again, right now I had all
reasons to be scared of him, all reasons Google
could probably give me
Me: We just had foreplay that's it. It was nothing
else.
I swear I saw him stop breathing, the look on
his face made me regret saying that not
because he became more angry but just
because he looked crushed
Me: Fhaku
Mihle: You sucked him?
My heart dropped to my tummy, the feeling of
wishing to throw up when I realised the
following morning after I did returned. I opened
my mouth to speak but I couldn't, there was
nothing I could say that could change this
Me: Uxolo Fhaku
He closed his eyes and tightened his fists, I said
a small prayer asking the Almighty to accept
me in heaven despite my sins because I was
dying today. He eventually opened his eyes and
looked at me, they were blood red and of course
you know the story they were blood red. He
didn't say a word for a good while but rather
gawking at me
Mihle: And you liked it?
Me: No. I was drunk
Mihle: And if you weren't you were.
Me: Hayi
Mihle: Prove it to me.
Blonde moment. With furrowed eyebrows I
questioned him
"Njani? (How?)"
Mihle: Ngomso. You'll call him umxelele that I
want him here.
My eyes became bigger the more he spoke,
realization hitting me
Mihle: I want to see you in action, exactly how
you gave it to him.
Me: Mihle Hayi
He turned around and headed towards the
bathroom, I've never been so fast in my whole
life. I grabbed hold of his arm but quickly let go
when he turned and threw daggers at me
Me: Ndiyakucela Mihle, please Fhaku. Don't do
this, please bhuti.
He didn't budge not even a single blink, an
annoyed glance was all I received
Mihle: Awuzofuna ndiyomlanda ngokwam (You
don't want me fetching him by myself). Make
sure he's here by afternoon
That was his final word as he walked away to
the bathroom, I tried keeping calm so I could
think of a plan and a way of getting him to get
rid of this psychopathic idea. He couldn't be
serious, there was no way in hell I could do that
in front of him, I would rather die. To be honest
kuni that was a genuine drunk action, I cared
less when I did that but right now it hit me hard.
I dug in my pockets for my phone and searched
for Odwa's contacts on Whatsapp, I wasn't
going to call him that would be the death of me.
To my unfortunate luck there was only one tick
and I was losing my patience because I wanted
to let him know.
It does not come to mind how long I sat at the
lounge scared to go to the bedroom. I only
stood up and headed there when I couldn't stay
up anymore, the passage and bedroom lights
were off. I took cautious steps and opened the
door, unlike the other days I didn't switch on the
light but removed my clothes in the dark. I took
his vest that was laid out of the couch and wore
it with my panties before sliding in bed. The
following morning I woke up to an empty bed,
empty house. I was all by myself and had no
idea where he had gone, the house was locked
and I wasn't going to try calling him. I used one
of his spare towels and took a long shower
hoping it would get rid of the lump I had
irritating me in my throat. For the first time in
forever I actually felt like things would be better
if I were home, I wouldn't have been feeling like
I didn't belong. I prepared a bowl of cereal then
chilled at the lounge watching television, having
emotional chats with Asanda and Kim. Even
though feeling like my throat was going to crack
open from his lump I had, I held back the tears
and played the strong girl character. In my mind
I had all sorts of worst situation of his arrival
and it scared me, I still hadn't convinced Odwa
about coming here, I then mentioned something
about dying or Mihle killing me and I received a
"send me a location" text within a matter of
seconds. Call me selfish if you have to Mihle
was going to hit me if O didn't step his foot here.
With the hope that Odwa would arrive before
Mihle because I was hoping to elope with him
but because my ancestors didn't know I existed
or probably forgot about my existence they
once again didn't answer my wishes. My whole
body tensed and my heartbeat quickened when
I heard the key turn on the door handle. There
was about three hours since I been alone in this
house and I suddenly felt it would have been
okay if I was locked here the whole day. He
walked in holding a plastic from Checkers and
an energy drink in his other hand. He was
dressed normally so I took it as though he had
gone to the fields instead. After stepping out of
the kitchen he sipped from his can and looked
around the room before looking at me
"Iphi lentwana? (Where's this boy?)"
Me: On his way
I avoided looking at him, in fact I didn't want to
look at him at all. Firstly I was hurt from the
consoling chats I was having on my Whatsapp,
secondly I was hurt because he wasn't better
from yesterday. He said something but I
couldn't make out what it was because I was
concentrated more on the feeling of trying to
hold back my tears
Mihle: Aphindiwe?
Me: Yintoni? (What is it?)
Mihle: Ndiyathetha (I'm talking)
I eventually turned my face to him and gazed at
the man I wasn't sure I wanted to be with right
now
"Uthini? (What are you saying?)"
Mihle: Ndinike number yale ntwana (Give me
this boy's number)
Because I was tired of fighting and feared he'd
once again lay a hand on me on much worser
states, I unlocked my phone and read the
number out loud. He dialled it, placing the
phone against his ear, I assume O didn't pick up
when he cursed and tried again but that's when
we heard a car pull off on the driveway. Ixhala,
ndandirhalela nocula Taru Bawo and ask Him to
magically open up a hole for me where I could
hide. I stood up and rubbed my sweating hands
against the leggings I was wearing, he was
studying me like a hawk craving its prey
Me: Fhaku can we talk about this?
Mihle: After this is done we will.
My breathing was inappropriate, I was scared,
my knees were about to give up on me. How in
the fucken living hell was I supposed to give
head to another man with the man I loved
watching. I was about to persist the begging
when my phone vibrated against the couch,
earning both our attention. The name on the
screen made my insides turn
Mihle: Yiphendule (Answer it)
With shaking hands, I picked it up
Me: O
Odwa: I'm outside. 103 is the house number?
Me: Yes
Odwa: Ndilapha (I'm here)
Me: Okay
I dropped my phone on the couch and took two
shaky steps forward as Mihle approached the
door and opened it, I heard the door of a car
closing and I knew just then my dignity was
coming to an end. Mihle stepped aside and
from the side view I could see how narrowed
and focused his eyes were
Mihle: Uyindoda. Uzincede ngoza ngoba
uba'khange uze bendizokufubana ndikubulale.
(You're a man. You did yourself a favour by
coming because if you did not I was going to
find you and kill you.)
O walked in and immediately his eyes landed on
me, the sympathy and regret in them made me
want to beg Mihle over again. Mihle closed the
door and turned to me, his stare lingered on me
for a very long uncomfortable time before he
cleared his throat
Mihle: Ndininika imizuzu eye'2 (I'm giving you
guys two minutes)
He retreated to the bedroom leaving Odwa and
myself all alone. We stood in our positions the
silence wrongly filling the room.
Odwa: Phindi
I glanced his way and raised my eyebrows at
him
Odwa: Uright? Are you okay?
He stepped towards me and was about to
touch me when I took a step backwards
Me: Hayi Odwa, sundibamba (don't hold me)
His worry increased
"He can't see you holding me, uzomenza
umsindo (you'll make him angry)."
Odwa: Is this guy hitting you?
Me: No
Odwa: I don't believe you.
My eyes fell on the man who was standing at
the passage looking between Odwa and I, while
Odwa's were on me still waiting for me to
answer his question. I didn't think my knees
could carry me anymore when I saw the gun in
his hand, he took slow steps towards us and
stopped besides the dining table which he
broke yesterday
Mihle: Jongani andizothetha kanintsi ingathi
ndithetha nabageza. I was expecting to find you
guys ready already, nikupha lomonde ndinayo.
Me: Nyawuza please listen to me bhuti, there's
no need for this. We can...
"Aphindiwe, don't you fucken dare! (Long pause)
Dont!"
I flinched when he yelled my name, my face and
body language screaming fear from a distance.
I wanted to fist bump myself for making him
angry, this was a job well done, now he was
back to being the angry man I feared. I was
definitely dying that night. Odwa walked up to
me and grabbed my hand pulling me to a more
open space, he let go of one hand while the
other fiddled with his belt. I dropped my eyes to
his waist then back to his eyes, not having
forgotten that Mihle was still in the room,
watching us
Me: Odwa
I shook my head at him but he continued
undoing his pants until his CK underwear was
on display.
Odwa: Jonga Phindi, let's do this and get it done
with. It's a matter of seconds and it's better
than losing our lives
He was whispering to me, his hands on my
shoulders as he searched for my eyes. I felt my
heart drop to my tummy as he held my chin and
pleaded, I get it he didn't want to die but as for
me I felt I was going to die anyway. He lowered
me to my knees and for the last time before I
took out his craft I threw my stare back at Mihle,
his burning gaze was on me, it was clear it was
me he wanted to watch sucking another man,
he didn't give a bloody damn about O being here.
I felt my tears filling my eyes that was when I
broke eye contact and looked at the waist of the
man in front of me.
"You can do this Phindi"
Was the voice at the back of my mind, I was
growing cheeky but it didn't help regardless
because whether I was cheeky or crying, Mihle
wasn't letting this one go. My shaking hands
held the waistband of Odwa's undergarment
and just when I was about to pull it down I
pulled back, hearing Mihle cork his gun. I
stopped breathing instantly and only waited for
a shot, I didn't want to look at him.
Mihle: Continue
That's when I gained the courage to turn my
head, his teary eyes weren't leaving me and
what scared me more than the anger on his
face was the prepared weapon in his hand. It
surprised me how whenever he was angry he
had teary red eyes but those tears never fell, not
a single moment. Odwa moved back and knelt
in front of me, holding my face in his hands
Odwa: Sweetheart jonga
Me: Ndiyoyika O
Odwa: He won't kill you. Not in my presence,
asoze. I won't let that happen.
I shook my head, another flood of tears wetting
my cheeks. I still could feel Mihle's eyes on me
but right now what I cared most about was the
comfort I was getting from this guy in front of
me, I needed it more than anything.
Odwa: Uyandivha? (Do you hear me?)
I dried my eyes with the back of my hands and
sighed loudly, actually ready to do this
nonetheless. O was about to get up on his feet
when Mihle spoke
"Ningahamba (You guys can leave)."
Astonished I looked at him between furrowed
eyebrows, why was he addressing the both of
us? Odwa didn't ask anything further but picked
up his pants, fixed it and held me by a hand
about to pull me towards the door, I pulled back
looking at him
Me: Andihambi (I'm not leaving)
Odwa: Intoni? (What?)
Me: Hamba. I need to stay here
Odwa looked at me like I had suddenly grew
two heads, when he couldn't understand why he
looked at Mihle who was standing feet behind
us, O stepped close to me taking me in a hug
Odwa: You'll be safe right?
I nodded, he nodded back before heading to the
door and stepping out. I waited until the sound
of his car was unheard prior to turning and
facing an angry Mihle. He was leaning against
the wall, his gun now placed on the table as he
unbelievably stared at me. I attempted calming
my breathing but it wasn't working and this
silence was annoying, we had been quiet for
over five minutes. He sighed a little aloud
before speaking
"Niyathandana nalamfana? (Are you and that
guy in love?)"
I shook my head and he still kept his focused
gaze on me
Mihle: Then nenzani? (Then what are you guys
doing?)
Me: Nothing Mihle
Mihle: Aphindiwe sthandwa sam, I wasn't born
yesterday.
Me: But andixoki (But I'm not lying)
Mihle: You get comfortable in his touch (silence)
so there's either two things that's happening.
You in love or in lust with him, which one is it?
I shook my head indicating that it was none of
those he listed, he took in my image from head
to toe before nodding
"Okay. Ndisayolala (I'm going to sleep)"
When I was left alone in the room I turned my
gaze to the clock against the wall, it was only
approaching two in the afternoon, this day was
taking its time. I absentmindlely dragged my
feet to the couches and threw myself on one of
them, swallowing the lump I had on my throat. I
text Sasa telling her how unsafe I was feeling,
she wasn't good at giving good advices, all she
did was throwing swearing words and telling
me to leave his ass.
I tossed and turned on the couch attempting to
sleep for over an hour, I couldn't not when I was
suffering from a headache like I was doing so I
ended up jumping off the couch and headed to
the kitchen to check the plastics he bought with.
Finding some stuff to cook I first rushed to the
room to search for some painkillers for the
headache that was killing me but I stopped at
the door when I heard him talk on the phone.
About around and back something in me told
me to stop and eavesdrop, I knew it was wrong
but I did. From the tone of his voice he was
definitely having a conversation of a female,
telling about his broke heart. I found myself
wondering from jealousy whom it was he was
so comfortable talking to about our fights, he
didn't get much into detail
"(Chuckles) so ufuna ndizokubona? (So you
want me to come see you?)"
...
"No. Yenziwa kuba undithanda kaloku so iright
lonto but lena funeke ndiyenze ndodwa
uyaqonda? (No. You're doing that because you
love me so it's alright but this I gotta do alone
you understand?)"
...
He went quiet for a long time listening to the
woman on the other side, my mind kept telling
me it was probably a relative but I knew it
wasn't. Because I loved him, I wanted to lie for
him and tell myself it wasn't any girl he was
romantically involved with but he continued
proving me wrong
"Jonga sthandwa sam asizoxatyaniswa yilento.
I know I was supposed to see you izolo I
couldn't, I wasn't in a good space neither am I
today."
...
He sighed and I heard him drag his slippers, I
almost jumped away from the door but quickly
listened and heard that his footsteps were
heading the opposite direction, towards the
window and that's when it became difficult to
hear him out. Without thinking twice I pushed
the door and walked in, like someone who was
doing nothing wrong he only turned his head to
look at me and returned his attention to the
phone call, he however kept it short bidding
goodbyes to whomever he was talking to. He
threw his phone on the bed and made way to
the bathroom, I searched my handbag, the only
item I had here with me and took out two
grandpa tablets. I returned to the kitchen and
started preparing a meal, my mind still on that
phone call, I wanted to find out whom it was he
was talking to but I refrained from it today
wasn't the right time.
He remained in the bedroom for another three
hours straight before I called him to have
supper, and like expected we didn't talk while
eating - his concentration was on the tv while
mine was on my plate and phone. I was still not
good at cooking but a little better than before,
what I cooked was edible or maybe he tolerated
it because it was his grocery. After supper I
cleaned up and went straight to bed leaving him
in the lounge playing Fifa. The following
morning I woke up to an empty house and I
recalled having heard him dress up for work but
immediately went back to sleep after that. Once
again I wore his shorts and vest, his short fitted
just perfectly because of my thick bottoms
while the vest was oversized. He surprised me
with a phone call wanting to know if he had to
fetch my bags or I wanted to leave, believe me
when I tell you that we went in circles for
almost five minutes because I felt like he was
kicking me out. It was just yesterday when he
told me and Odwa to leave and not even
24hours after that he was asking me the exact
same thing. I came to conclusion that I should
actually go because I felt he wanted his space
and I needed mine just as much. At something
past five he returned from work and drove me
back to residence, he had brought me Steers'
ribs and quarter leg chicken, with chips and cold
drink to eat. On our way to Stellenbosch I kept
on feeling like I was losing my relationship and I
know it might sound stupid to say but it scared
me, I didn't want it to end, to me it felt like we
were just starting so we couldn't end here.

When we stopped opposite the gate of the

school's residence I wanted to rewind the ride,
at least not to part ways with him when it felt
like this. Yes sitting with him and having him
not even look at me hurt me but this was
hurting even more. I let out a shaky sigh when I
realised he wasn't turning off the engine like
usual, he didn't want to stay
Me: Thanks for ukutya (thanks for the food)
He gave me his normal look but because of this,
it seemed different
Mihle: Okay
Me: Impahla zakho? (Your clothes?)
Mihle: Ndizozilanda when I see you again.
I nodded opening the door to step out. I made
sure to do it as slow as possible because I
wanted him to beg me to stay, to grab and kiss
me and say something but he patiently waited
for me to step out
Me: Bye.
He raised a brow and I closed the door, he
drove off immediately when I stepped away
from the car and if it weren't for the people
around me minding their own businesses I
would have found a way to run after that car. I
spent approximately four days without having
contacted him and visa versa, and it was
beginning to sink in all thanks to Kimberley. If
she wasn't preaching to me about Mihle being a
thug and never going to change, she was
shouting at me to leave the relationship and
make peace with it.
"He's not good for you. Leave while you still can
because you know how gangsters get. Do you
need him to hit you so you can realise he isn't
good for you? How stupid are you? Blah blah
blah."
Were the continuous lectures I received from
her and a little bit of some advice from
Luthando. That Friday I spoke to my father
surprising him and myself when I told him I
would be catching a flight the following
Tuesday, I preferred being home instead of
living like this, wishing every passing day that
he'd call telling me he was outside. I wanted to
text him and tell him I was leaving but what
difference was it going to make because he
was probably talking to someone more
important than I was because he was online on
Whatsapp but rather not chatting to me.
172 Entry

Mihle

I was sitting in my car after a long emotional

week, a week where I tried keeping away from
her because I was still angry about the event
that had occurred the previous weekend. What I
did not want was to see her and lay a hand on
her once again, that hold was enough and it
shouldn't have happened in the first place. I
wasn't pleased, this was something I wanted to
leave behind, I wanted another way of
expressing my anger not through physical
violence. I had spent over ten minutes leaning
against the steering wheel, my phone in my
hand trying to think whether it was a good idea
to call Aphindiwe. After contemplating I decided
it was so I rang her but it sent me straight to
voicemail. Twice. I laid back on the seat and
closed my eyes, that was after sending her an
sms. A whole week and I hadn't laid my eyes on
her, I know she text me a couple of times on
Whatsapp which I ignored her, me being mad
didn't justify not answering to her texts but I did
regardless and now I wanted to talk to her, I
couldn't get hold of her. I collected my items
and stepped out of the car to my house, it was
already dark and still full from the braai we had
at work I decided I'd just head to bed. That was
after taking a shower. In bed I could not sleep a
bit, possibly thinking of a way I could get hold of
her, I longed for her, I needed to talk to her. It
wasn't a want, I needed this, her voice at least.
The following morning I woke up with a
headache as the time flickered at 6, there was
no way I could sleep any further because my
mind was all over the place. I checked my
phone and saw missed calls from Pearl, the last
time I remembered she was still mad at me for
not being able to see her when I was fighting for
my relationship. What really bored her was how
I wasn't giving her the attention I used to when I
was with Nomthandazo and I figured what she
failed to understand was these were two
different women, and I felt differently about
them. She was upset when I told her openly that
I loved uMambhele but became more upset
when I couldn't see her. At that current moment
she was the last person I wanted to see, my
mind was on the woman I truly loved, I rang her
again but still to no vain. Seeing that I had no
other option but to contact my wingman who
was probably going to give me a great lecture, I
rang him
"Miles."
Me: Ntwana, ugrand?
Nkululeko: Standard bhuda ugrand wena?
Me: Ha.a, ndise vaar(ini)
Nkululeko: Smoko?
Me: Ndifuna whereabouts zika Aphindiwe.
Andimfumani...
Nkululeko: Miles, Miles, zingaphi impundu
ezijaiva ngakuwe bra for you to be stuck
kuleway? (Miles, how many asses often dance
on you bra for you to be stuck on this one?)
Me: Nkululeko?
Nkululeko: Mihle
I chuckled because he barely called me by my
name, only a couple of times, this might be the
third time in my life if I counted properly <b
Me: Uzoyijonga le number or ndikhangele
omnye umntu? (Are you going to look for this
number or must I find someone else?)
Nkululeko: (sighs) Mxm. Ndinike le way (Give
me this number)
Me: Ndifuna feedback immediately (I want
feedback immediately)
Nkululeko: Mxm
He hung up on me and for the meantime I took
a refreshing shower awaiting him to send me a
text. It was the 10th of December and I knew I
couldn't go see her now wherever she was,
however the following week Thursday was my
last day at work before my leave and I planned
to travel wherever she was. It took Nkulie the
whole day to return my calls and tell me he
traced the number back at Mthatha. I knew I
wasn't supposed to be angry but some fume
grew in me, she flew out without letting me
know, is that how much she wanted to be away
from me? It somehow made me feel like she
didn't want me anymore, like she were giving
me a hint that I should stay away. Little did she
know I was going nowhere, not while I still had
the hope that I still stood a chance with her. I
might have been the most stubborn person
you'll come across but when I felt unneeded, I
knew my way out. Right now she needed me
more than anything, I felt it. I knew it.

Spending a whole week brainstorming a decent

way to approach her. I decided I'd drive the
distance just to get my mind off things because
if I flew I'd get there before time, before I had
managed to get my thoughts together. After
work on the 14th, I went to the laundry for my
clothes, returned home and packed a few then
went to meet up with the gents at the fields. It
was this time of the year where the business
brought in money but I wasn't there spiritually,
and my absence was a cost in many ways. I had
been absence for almost two months and only
giving instructions through the phone and
because of this we were losing great money. I
left a report after the meeting, a clear report on
how things were to be ran while I was away
because from Mthatha I would be heading
home.

As early as 1am and I was on the road to

Mthatha, I wanted to complete this drive before
the afternoon sun hit the grounds. If I managed
to at least get there before the heat was strong,
I was going to be able to tackle my task for the
day. It was an exhausting driving, one that had
me cursing and complaining, my body giving
me cramps because it was almost a decade
since I drove to anywhere over 300km.
Forgetting how long that distance was, I only
made it in the town at to two, extremely
exhausted out of my soul. Making it from the
reception to my room was an easy process,
that's when I took the time to regain my
strength by taking a nap at least.
My watch striked 18:22 as was standing in front
of my car still trying to get hold of Aphindiwe, I
was a little worked by then because I still
reached voicemail. Agitated, I called Nkululeko
again he'd find the exact location of her
cellphone number
Nkululeko: (whistles) Miles uzak...
Me: Nkululeko not now! Find me le number.
Nkululeko: Mxm, sharp.
I hung up and unlocked my car, stepping in. I
was a little uneasy now because it occurred to
me that she had rejected my number and got rid
of Whatsapp so I wouldn't get hold of her. It
was a matter of seven minutes and I received a
message from Nkululeko sending me the
location which I immediately typed on my GPS
device. After receiving my route, I embarked on
the 13 minute journey to Northcrest. When I
discovered that the route might be locating me
to her elders house that's when my worry arose,
I couldn't just budge in and ask for her, that
would cause more family problems for her.
They would definitely call her father if he wasn't
around and let him know a man had come
looking for her. I found the house and silently
hoped that it was the correct place, parked my
car a little further from the gate and switched
off both the engine and lights. I turned on the
car seat and faced the front of the house in
case someone came out. To my luck, it wasn't
even ten minutes when I saw a girl step out,
followed by a familiar face and Aphindiwe. They
were dressed up, yayingabuzwa they were
going out. They approached the gates in smiles
and talking, that was my cue to jump out and so
I did. As though she felt my presence she came
to a halt and looked around before her eyes
landed on my car then on me. They were about
two feet away from the gate when the other two
girls took note of her change of mood and me.
At the back of my mind I kept on telling myself
not to yell at her because I heeded that she was
going to head back into the house and I didn't
want her to. She was about to turn on her heel
when the familiar girl grabbed her arm, Sisanda
or Asanda, I'm bad with names. She threw some
words at Aphindiwe in an attention I could
detect from where I was standing, Phindi did
the same but eventually sighed and they
stepped out of the gate. It was funny how they
faced the other way and started walking like I
wasn't even standing there. If it wasn't for my
love for this girl I would have left but I got in my
car and sped towards them, stopping just an
inch in front of the other girl. My car half
crossed the tar and pavement before I stepped
out and took long steps towards the lady I
came here to see.
This Sisanda or Asanda kid quickly searched
her handbag and pulled out a cellphone which I
quickly snitched out of her hand, earning a rude
snort from her
"Ndicela undinike iphone yam. (Could you
please give me my phone back.)"
Me: Would you please keep quiet.
Asanda: Bhuti ndic...
Me: Just shut up!
Her eyes almost popped out from shock and
she did what she should have done the minute I
arrived here, keeping her mouth shut
Me: Damnt. (Sighs) Phindi
I turned to the lady in front of me who still
looked surprised seeing me here
"Ndicela sithethe (can we talk)"
Aphindiwe: Wenzani apha? (What are you doing
here?)
Me: Ndizobona wena (I came to see you)
Aphindiwe: But...
I attempted touching her, she stepped back
avoiding any physical contact
Asanda: Bhuti
I shut my eyes already irritated by this girl
"One ndicela iphone yam. Two usenza late and
three, can't you see uba you're making
uAphindiwe uncomfortable or what you're
blind?!"
Aphindiwe: Asanda!
Asanda: Hayi Aphindiwe uyandidika lobhuti!
I chuckled and actually told myself I'd ignore the
latter, my concentrate was on her second
statement, I was making them late besiyaphi?
Me: Then hambani ngaphandle kwakhe (then
leave without her)
They simultaneously said "What?", both giving
me looks like I just spoke a foreign language. I
narrowed my eyes at Phindi because she was
the person I was talking to
Me: I've booked a room for us eGarden Court. I
want you to come with me
Asanda: Akazi, we were leaving. Masambeni
(let's go)
Aphindiwe: Hayi, andizohamba (I won't go)
Asanda: Iintoni! Aphindiwe uright nje? (What!
Aphindiwe are you alright?)
Aphindiwe: Can I talk to Asanda for a moment,
please?
I nodded giving them some space as I headed
to my car, I watched them from a distance and
actually took note from actions how Asanda
was refusing. She kept shaking her head and
throwing her hands up, looking at Aphindiwe
like my woman had gone crazy for a moment. I
waited approximately three minutes before they
all turned and walked towards my car.
Aphindiwe opened the passenger door and
placed her handbag on the seat
Aphindiwe: Ndicela uba dropper kulandawo
besisiya kuyo then (Please drop them where we
were heading them)
Me: Sure.
They all stepped in and actually went quiet for a
moment, it wasn't long until the loud mouth
spoke again
"Jonga ke Mihle, xa sibuya endlini funeke
sibuyele sonke. Ungacingi sizomshiya
uAphindiwe nawe. (Look Mihle, when we return
home we have to return together. You better not
think we'll leave Aphindiwe with you.)"
Me: (chuckles)
I followed the directions they gave me and it
wasn't long until I dropped the girls at a more
ratchet looking place, I wasn't familiar with
uMthatha so you can imagine how clueless I
must have been. Subsequently, I drove back to
the hotel with the one person my heart was
pleased to have around. I noticed how tense
she was during the drive, when I turned off the
engine she reached for the door handle but
stopped the actions startled when the locks
clicked
Me: We need to talk...

Aphindiwe
His visit scared me more than it surprised me. I
wasn't ready to see him, I missed him but
wasn't ready to be around him not whilst I felt
that way. I couldn't say no to him for one reason;
he was going to lose it and believe me when I
say I wasn't going to sleep that day had I gone
out and rejected his offer. Seeing him brought
back a lot of emotions and that painful lump on
my throat which I attempted swallowing
numerous times. I kept shut and waited for him,
neither of us were locking in one another's
direction
"About us."
That's when I finally faced him, his gaze was
still focused on the windscreen in front of him
Me: What about us?
Mihle: Uyayazi ndiyakuthanda right? (You know I
love you right?)
He faced me eventually, his eyes narrowed. He
looked something between angry and fine
Me: I do
Mihle: I doubt that.
Me: Ndiyayazi Mihle
Mihle: Then why did you walk out on us? You do
know yonke lento is because of your childish
ways of handling izinto?
I bit back a chuckle, now I was the one to blame
for everything. Where did this leave his pathetic
family of hypocrites.
Me: I was shocked.
Mihle: And that's how you handle shock?
Me: Ewe. You can't blame me for this, what did
you want me to do?
Mihle: You could have stayed damnt! If you
really knew how much I loved you you were
going to stay!
He threw a fist at the steering, startling me
along. I swore he would have punched me by
the time he was done talking. I averted my gaze
from him and suddenly hated how true his
statement was. But I did the first thing that
came to mind at that moment
Mihle: Look at me !
I faced him, his nostrils flared from breathing so
high and his chest paced
"I am not going to have a girlfriend who jumps
on another dick when things fall apart kuthi. Do
you understand me?"
I nodded
Mihle: Say it.
Me: I understand
Mihle: You keep testing my patience Aphindiwe,
and I'm not good at this remorse thing. Andifuni
ndide ndibulale umntu because of wena (I don't
want to eventually kill somebody because of
you).
My stomach formed knots as I swallowed dry
spit, he was revealing his true self bit by bit and
I don't think I was ready.
Mihle: Come here
I moved towards him and his lips met my
forehead, his hands held a firm hold on my neck
as we remained in the position for over some
time. He lowered his forehead to mine and had
his eyes closed while I took in his figure, his
breathing relaxing every time he exhaled
Mihle: Masambe (let's go).
He brushed my right cheek with his thumb, I
loathed the feeling it was giving me even under
this fear. We stepped out of the car and into the
hotel to his room. I only placed my handbag
then we stepped out again for supper, at the
dining hall we didn't talk much, a part of me felt
like he still wasn't okay. He didn't mention being
okay and that always meant he was not
forgetting any of this.
The first thing that came to mind when I saw
him was confronting him about the call I
overheard the other day but his outburst caught
me off guard, it was definitely a topic for
another day. To be honest with you ndandingu
zwelakhe, a girl of her own words but with this
guy I had no chance, ndandithetha ndime. I was
finally feeling that thing of dating a gangster,
the type of relationship where he talked and you
listened and I prayed it only stopped here.
Uncomfortable by this silence I dug some
words at the back of my throat
Me: Uhamba nini? (When are you leaving?)
Mihle: I don't. Haven't thought that far yet. You
want me gone already
I shook my head, forcing a smile.
Me: How many days did you book for?
Mihle: The whole weekend.
Me: You know andizokwazi uhlala weekend
yonke nawe (You know I won't be able to stay
the whole weekend with you)
Mihle: Uzondibona kodwa? (You'll see me
though?)
I ignored how that sounded like a command
than a question and nodded.

Back to the room we took a shower, it was

almost a decent one if it wasn't for him
touching me all over. No matter how aggressive
he seemed when he was angry, his touch
always remained gentle, giving me endless
chills. His hand was right between my thighs
barely touching my womanhood when I stood
on my tippy toes allowing him access, instead
of going further he moved away, bringing the
free hand to my neck. He tilted my head as he
placed wet kisses on my neck prior to turning
me around and finding my lips. My knees lost
their function when manuvoured his tongue in
my mouth, in a very seductive manner. I felt like
he wasn't close enough even though there was
barely space for a papersheet to fit between us.
He lowered his hand below my butt and picked
me up, my legs tightening around his waist with
instant action. He remained under the shower
and the water only reached my arms which
were around his neck, I was grinding against his
waist hearing his groans encouraging me not to
stop. I enjoyed his moans. He moved his hands
from my waist to my butt and reached for my
temple with his index finger, I was wet already.
His finger kept moving from my clit to my pussy,
being adventurous amongst the lips. He finally
pushed it in, earning a soft moan from me
against his lips. I felt his smirk against my
mouth, he enjoyed it when I called out his name,
be it loud or soft. He pulled out his finger and
brought it to his mouth, I could have screamed
and tell him to stop but the way he sucked it
was what had me wishing he'd do it. It was
fucken sexy. I was still balanced on one arm
and the legs around his torso as I watched him,
he pulled out the finger his eyes close and bit
on his tongue which was licking his bottom lip.
Goddamn I think I might have came from just
that. He placed one more kiss before placing
me on the floor, my dropped my hands from his
neck to his chest to his waist. Even though I still
wanted more I got a sign from him that this was
it for the night, he probably wasn't in the mood
and when he wasn't I respected that as much
as he respected it to me as well.
The next morning I woke up to a frown next to
me, it was a peaceful sleeping face and looking
at him in this state made my heart react a
certain. The only reason I woke up that early
was because of that feeling you get when you
slept knowing you have something important to
do the following morning and to me, it was to
call Asanda. I did that right after buying airtime
via cellphone banking.
Me: Mntase
Asanda: Hey
I breathed out a soft sigh when I heard she was
still sleeping
Me: Niphi? (Where are you?)
Asanda: Ekhaya (at home)
Me: Intoni?! (What?!)
I must have been that loud because both
Asanda and Mihle gave me sleepy snorts, I
glanced over the man who was next to me as
he turned to face away from me but his hand
made a firm hold on my thigh
Me: Asanda why nigodoke without me?
Asanda: Ndithe ugodokile and uyayazi uMalume
ebengasoze acontact mama abuze uba uphi
anyway. He'd contact you ke qha (I said you
went home and you know Uncle would never
contact my mother and ask where you at
anyway. He'd contact you rather).
She was not lying, if I were with my mother's
side of the family my father only contacted me
to ask about me, and if I didn't return home he
only stepped into that yard to fetch his daughter.
I'm pretty sure you're wondering how I made it
here that's because I left telling me I was
heading to Northcrest and he threatened me
about not giving me money this whole
December, it was a scary threat but I took my
chances. I now knew either of the two would
happen after my arrival at home; one, he won't
talk to me, two he'll give me a great hiding and
still withhold the money from me.
Me: Okay. Ndizosose ndigoduka ke (I'll just go
home then)
Asanda: Okay
Me: Bye
I hung up feeling guilty from leaving that way, I
left as someone who'd return there now I didn't
even bid my goodbyes. I would have to contact
Makazi maybe later today and apologise. Mihle
brought me back to reality when he squeezed
my thigh moving his hand upwards, I smacked
it away and fixed my sleeping position. He
turned over and encircled his arm around my
waist pulling me close, he placed a gentle kiss
on my neck
"Good morning."
His morning voice was a total turn on, more
especially when he was muttering his words
softly
Me: Hi
Placing his forehead on my back, just below my
neck I moved closer my body reacting to the
physical contact I haven't had in a while. His
thumb was brushing circles on my tummy and I
allowed myself to enjoy that but he sooner
moved up to my breast and touched my nipple.
My breathing left its normal calm level and
increased just a little, he continued using his
thumb on my nipple and I began thinking he
must have forgotten he was doing that but right
after that thought crossed my mind he placed a
wet kiss on my neck, and another one. Another
one followed and this time both his thumb and
index finger were seductively playing with my
nipple. I wanted to turn around but he stopped
me, keeping me firm on that position, his hand
dropped to my butt cheeks and he grabbed one
of them tightly in his hand before letting it go
and smacking it. Instantly I felt the on feeling fly
out the window as I grabbed his hand and
moved it away from my butt, he was still
astound when I turned to look at him
Me: What was that?
Mihle: Intoni? (What?)
Me: What you just did?
Mihle: I just spanked your ass
Me: I don't like it
He raised his brow his lips parted a little, he
blinked a couple of times
"Azange wayenza lento ugqiboyenza (you never
did what you just did)"
Mihle: And so?
Me: So it's probably umkhuba omfumene
somewhere and I didn't like it
He chuckled still looking dazzled, he lifted his
hands surrendering
Mihle: Uxolo
What I hated more than anything was the smirk
on his face as though he enjoyed this. I had this
feeling that he probably did this with some
woman because it was new to me, he had never
spanked my ass up front and now to have him
do it now meant he was adopting it from
somewhere. I shifted away from him and
checked the time to reassure myself, it was a
few minutes after six so I attempted going back
to sleep but to no vain, shit filled my mind. I felt
his fingers trace my back and that made me
move even further, actually finding myself at the
edge of the bed. I almost jumped off when his
arm pull me close to him and I roughly bumped
into his chest
Me: Awwwwu!
He was as quick to remove it and turning me
around
Mihle: Did I hurt you?
I appreciated this Mihle, the one who was so
cautious and didn't want to hurt me no matter
what. The Mihle who was careful from his touch
to the way he spoke to m
Me: Kancinci (A little)
He pushed himself in between my legs and
tucked his head on the space above my
shoulder. I rubbed his arms which were on my
sides, his was tense and I noticed something
was wrong, I did not ask him because we were
getting somewhere with this morning attitude
despite the fact that I still felt like he was
bringing some weird things to the tale
Mihle: There's something filling my head but
now isn't the time for it.
I moved my hands to his back and played along
with my fingers, he laid his whole weight on me
and that's when I hissed trying to move under
him. He balaned on his fists and picked himself
up, he lowered his forehead to mine
"You heard me?"
Me: Ewe. You do know you haven't brushed your
mouth yet.
I giggled how he lifted his forehead from mine
and looked at me like i had just said the silliest
thing ever, it was the truth
Mihle: And so?
I pointed his lips with my index finger, fighting
back the edge to smile. That's when he lowered
his lips to mine, I quickly turned my head
making him kiss my chin, Mihle being Mihle he
forced his way to my lips. He did the last thing I
hoped he'd do, sticking his tongue in my mouth
and tongue kissing me.
"Mmmm Mmmm!"
I pushed him off me and he obliged laughing.
He moved himself away from me enjoying this
whole show while I was continuously spitting,
pretending to be wiping my tongue
Mihle: Strawberries and cream huh?
Me: Stop it!
Mihle: Or Choc chip bliss yoghurt
I pulled a face and he smiled shaking his head
on his way to the bathroom. As I was laying
there an unpleasat thought crossed my mind, a
feeling that when I was away he could have
seen Nomthandazo or the woman he was
talking to on the phone. Both his S6 and Alcatel
phone had no password, I presume he felt he
didn't have anything to hide. Or it was his trust
for me which I was about to break. Unlocking
his Samsung I checked the coast before sliding
into his Whatsapp and scrolling through his
contacts, I came across Nomthandazo and was
a little hesitant as to whether to open it. I was
still debating, fighting my devilish side of the
brain when I heard him flash the toilet. I
minimized the app and locked his phone,
throwing it besides me.
He stepped back into the room and came back
to his bed space, I side glanced him feeling like
he knew I had just gone through his phone a
second ago
Mihle: What was the argument you had earlier
on the phone about?
Still trailing on my thoughts I tried to think
which argument he was on about
Me: Oh Asanda went home without telling me
Mihle: Usengxakini kengoku?
I shook my head
Me: She told her mom I had gone home
Mihle: And what if she calls David then
Me: She won't
Mihle: Why not?
I fixed my pillow and gently laid next to him, he
extended his hand and cleaned my eye
Me: My aunt and father aren't on talking terms
Mihle: Ngoba? What happened?
Me: Long story
He fixed his sleeping position, laying across on
the bed he placed his head on my tummy, just
below my stomach
"I've got all day. Tell me about your family, it's
about time I know where I'll be taking my cows."
I rolled my eyes and prepared myself for the
one topic I loathed since the day my mother
took her last breathe. The topic which made me
feel like I had to choose between a family that
loved me truthfully and a family that loved me
because of my father's title.

173 Entry

Asanda
I was annoyed by Aphindiwe to be honest, for
many too reasons. I felt stupid how she came
here needing a shoulder to cry on because her
man wasn't contacting her, because he had laid
a hand on her but when the bastard pitched she
was that easy to let her gut down, it was that
quick for her to forget what he put her though.
The whole situation drove me insane because
she was beginning to fear his words and
actions, and because I knew better I understood
that the minute fear of your boyfriend steps in
then the relationship itself wasn't healthy. I
guess what worked on me the most was
knowing how it felt being in an abusive
relationship, I can't quite make up what it is that
drives you into staying - maybe it was the fear
of knowing he'd do anything to prevent you
from having another guy because you were his.
I dragged myself out of my bed after the third
time my mother came yelling into my bedroom.
She hated it when I slept this long, in her life a
normal girl who wanted to be groomed into a
wife had to be up at 6am and get ready for the
day, maybe I did not want to get married. I
stepped out of my room with my toothbrush in
hand, dragging my feet along the tiled floor to
the bathroom. That's when the drowsiness
vanished after having washed my face with cold
water. In the kitchen was uMakazi and my
mother, they were going on about the big
church event that will be held on Christmas and
knowing my mother she'd drag us all to attend
Makazi: Awusembi tshini ufike nini? (You're so
ugly man, when did you get here?)
"Ngoku apha ekuseni (Now in the morning)"
My dearest mother answered from me. I pulled
a chair from the table and sat opposite my
mother's sister who was eyeing at me like she
were searching for signs about last night
Makazi: Uphi Aphindiwe? (Where's Aphindiwe?)
Me: Godukile (Gone home)
Makazi: Goduke nini? (When did she go home?)
Me: Namhlanje ekuseni (Today morning)
I poured some milk on my oats bowl and prayed
this woman was done with her question but a
second later I wanted to face bump myself for
even praying, I knew she wouldn't
Makazi: Unezinto lamntana. Ngeyengazanga
kwalapha, uyabona ukufaka entweni yotywala
ngoku ngoba kaloku yena unemali. Yooh hayi
wasenza usisana (That girl's funny. She
shouldn't have came here in the first place, you
see she is dragging you into this alcohol thing
because she's got all the money. Yooh no,
sisana really brought us some trouble).
Sisana was their sister, Aphindiwe's mother,
that's how my younger aunt called her because
she was the youngest. My mother was the
oldest from the female group
Me: Mama ndicela undiphe swekile (Mom
please give me the sugar)
Makazi: Uthi ugoduswa Yintoni? (So what sent
her home?)
Me: Tamnci.
She pulled a face prior to dragging herself of
the chair. She, Yandisani and my grandmother
was the ones who had even bigger hatred
towards my uncle and the hatred they had
rubbed on to Aphindiwe even though she did
nothing to hurt our family. I understood my
grandmother was manipulative so she spread
all sorts of rumours in the family, having
everybody feel the way she did towards Phindi's
family. I devoured my oats whilst I text away on
my phone, trying to get hold of Aphindiwe but
presumed her phone was off when I only
received one tick from Whatsapp. My family's
conflicts affected me because I knew they did
not quite approve of me hanging around with
Phindi but she was still my sister and I loved her.
My grandmother was in the lounge narrowing
her eyes to see the television screen properly,
she was watching some documentary film. I
avoided staying any longer in that lounge
because she'd question me about my night out
and why I had brought Aphindiwe here. I fixed
myself for a quick bath and decided to take a
nap, the headache I had from hangover and
family issues was killing me, probably it was the
type that would have me die in my sleep.

Aphindiwe
I coughed and prepared myself for an emotional
talk, this was the times I hoped he was
somehow Dr Phil because I needed a hell lot of
consoling after this
"Here's the thing, my father is the main problem
here."
Mihle: Is that how you feel or how your family
feels?
Me: How they feel but I do see where they
coming from, but not the way they going about
it. So my father met my mother God knows
when but I do actually know my father was 25,
and they fell in love until he was known by my
mother's parents. Batshata and by then the
problems existed but weren't so obvious
because they attempted tolerating each other.
The real problem and not talking to each other
started after my mother fell sick and was told
her pregnancy might kill her.
He kept nodding, his eyes never leaving my own.
I continued
"I didn't know she was suffering from pelvic
cancer, I was only told a few months after her
funeral. Umama wasishiya during labour,
umakhulu wam, her mother, didn't come during
her sick days nor after her death along with
uMakazi wam. They only pitched during the
funeral and honestly I feel that's not how my
mother had to be buried, she deserved non...
I looked up at the ceiling trying to hold back the
tears I felt coming, blinking them away had to
help right? I blew out a few breaths as Mihle
held my hand, squeezing it
Me: Eyonanto that I find hard forgetting are the
quarrels that went about between my father and
my mother's family just a few hours before we
laid her at rest. I never witnessed my father cry
kodwa ngalamini he did and nangoku I still don't
understand where this is coming from.
He sat up and took me in his arms, when you're
hurt you know that's the one thing a person
shouldn't do because the minute they console
you, you lose it. I remember sobbing for at least
way too long before I managed to laugh it out
when he said he'd have to tumble dry himself
from all the tears I left on his shoulder. He dried
my cheeks with the back of his hand and smiled
at me
"Usafuna uqhubeka? (You still to continue?)"
I nodded while answering him in a voice that
sounded foreign from mine
Me: Ewe I got this, I'm a big girl.
Mihle: (chuckles) and big girls don't cry
Me: Haisoka. So I learnt something earlier this
year
Mihle: And what's that?
Me: A claim part of the reason why mama ka
mama engafuni utata (why my mother's mother
doesn't want my father)
Mihle: Mmmh
Me: Apparently my dad raped my mother's
sister.
Because of shame and hurt that consumed me
I averted my gaze from his and continued
drying my cheeks and neck, he didn't say a word
for quite a long while before he asked
"And uthini ngalonto wena? (And what do you
say about that?)"
Me: I don't believe it.
Mihle: Don't you think you nee...
Me: I know my father, ndiyamazi what he's
capable of doing and not, and lena isn't one of
them.
Mihle: I'm sorry.
I forced a smile but at the back of my mind all I
was thinking of was how true this was. My
father wasn't that type of a man was he?
Mihle: Aren't we showering? We need to have
breakfast.
That was his way of pulling us out of that
awkwardness. We had a quick shower before
retreating to the dining hall for some breakfast.
There we spoke about how we'd see each other
later that day and tomorrow, he didn't
understand much when I told him being back
home would make it difficult for me to come, he
kept pestering until I told him I'd try harder. In
the afternoon he drove me home and dropped
me off a yard away, leaving me with an intense
kiss, I bet an indication of how much he missed
me. It was the type of kiss that made want to
find a plan to go back to him at that hotel.
I embraced myself for the lecturer I was about
to receive and maybe a smack or two. I pressed
the intercom of the gate and waited for
sis'Phumeza to open it and when it did I felt my
feet hold me in one place. It was then my gut
feeling told me I was in big shit, the last time I
had this feeling was when I woke up at a
hospital bed approximately 10 months from
now. I side-slided through the gate as it was
about to close and took slow steps towards the
house. Inside sis'Phumeza was washing the
dishes I presumed were from lunch
Me: Molweni sisi
Sis'Phumeza: Mmm
I shifted on my heels as she returned to rinsing
the plates
Me: Ukhona utata? (Is my father here?
Sis'Phumeza: Ewe. Ukutya kwakho kukwi oven
(Yes. Your food is in the oven)
All of a sudden I was not hungry, as much as I
liked food. I nodded and walked over to my
room praying in all languages I know. I locked
myself in that bedroom for almost an hour
before there was a knock at the door and
Phumeza appeared behind the wooden door
"Uyakumiza uMr Dabula (Mr Dabula is calling
you)"
She closed the door before I could say my lousy
okay, I sat on the bed rethinking my lies over
and over again before I walked out of my room
ready to die. He was sitting on the couch, a
glass of water in the cup holder on his right with
his legs stretched out on the couch, he muted
the television and tucked in the couch so he'd
sit up straight. He took his time to position
himself and turn his head my direction
Tata: Aphindiwe
Me: Tata
Tata: Usukaphi? (Where are you coming from?)
Me: eNorthcrest
Tata: Wade walala sana lwam (And you even
slept my child)
I looked away, thinking he was going to yell but
instead he clapped his hands, cheering me on. I
stared at him as he continued with this childish
behaviour
Tata: You see Aphindiwe Nondinyele Dabula
perhaps you've forgotten my child this is my
house and my house means my rules.
Was that my second name? David was capable
of getting that name on my birth. There was a
long silence before his next sentence
"Phindela apho uvela khona (return where you're
coming from)"
Me: Uxolo Tata
Tata: Nonsense! Nonsense!
I flinched when he jumped on his feet and a
glass made contact with the white tiles, its
pieces touching my feet. He was angry looking
at me like he somehow felt pity for my being or
as though he was cursing nature for making me
his daughter
Tata: Hamba!
Me: Tata ndice...
Tata: Leave!!
I literally sprinted to my bedroom and locked
the door immediately when I stepped in, I was
aware this would make him more angry but it
was the only way to safe myself from a hiding. I
leaned against the door and listened if there
were any footsteps coming down the passage
but when I didn't hear any I let out a sigh I didn't
know I was holding. I threw myself on the bed
and took my phone to text Mihle, figuring he
must have missed me I saw his name flash on
the screen of my i6.
Me: Fhaku
Mihle: Mambhele
Me: Ubulele? (Were you sleeping?)
Mihle: Mmm, gqibo vuka decided I should call
you, uyakhumbuleka
Me: Ncooo awutefi.
Mihle: (chuckles) Andinanto yokwenza
kulendawo, not that bendizele ezinye izinto
Me: I can imagine. Maybe if my father wasn't
around it would have been easy
Mihle: Akafuni uhambe ngoku? (He doesn't
want you to leave now?)
Me: Andiqondi uzovuma, he just told me to
leave ndiphindele apho ndivele khona (I doubt
he'll allow me, he just told me to leave and
return where I'm coming from
Mihle: (chuckles) kutheni ungezange kum
kengoku? (Why didn't you come to then?)
Me: Haa babe
His laughed was contagious because when he
did I heeded how I smiled at the walls in my
room because of the man on the other side of
the speaker
Mihle: Your father reminds me of utatam,
indoda was strict. Akakubethi kodwa? (He
doesn't hit you right?)
Me: No, last time he did was a few months after
my mother's funeral. I guess he was still hurt
from the losing his wife
It was true, he barely laid a hand on me and it
must be because I never stayed with him, I only
saw him during holidays or the weekends he
visited in Bloemfontein. His way of teaching me
a lesson was to punish me, either to confiscate
the things he bought me or never give me
money. I never really cared about it until I had
him only in this world
Mihle: Probably. Angazi akubethe uDavid, I'd
have to deal with him ngokwam.
Me: Hayi hayi I still love him kaloku
He chuckled and his smile was evident through
that short laugh
Mihle: Then when am I seeing you?
Me: Ngomso I guess
He kept quiet for a while and I was about to ask
what he was doing before I heard the t.v. go on
Mihle: Kwasekuseni mos (Early right?)
Me: Ewe
Mihle: We back together right
I was about to answer when he cut me
"And I'm telling you, andibuzi."
Me: Okay but we still have a lot to talk about
Mihle: Right
We continued talking for over an hour, I
remember changing my position about ten
times as I did most of the talking and he
listened. We were disturbed by my father who
turned the knob of my door wanting to come in,
I stopped talking and threw a gaze at the door, I
whispered to Mihle before I took long steps
towards the door, I was about to turn the key
when David shouted
"I know you're awake, hambotya."
Afterwards I heard his retreating steps down
the passage, I press the switch on the wall and
closed my eyes as the lights brightened the
room
Mihle: Usekhona? (Are you still there?)
Me: Ewe. David was calling me for ukutya and I
better go ke Fhaku, him and I aren't okay so
mandingam'testi
Mihle: It's okay. Goodnight then
Me: Goodnight bhuti
Mihle: I love you
Me: Nam
Mihle: Nawe ntoni? (You too what?)
"I love You." I managed to say between a grin, I
knew how much he hated that but because I
wanted to fool around I said that. After ending
the call I closed the windows oof my bedroom
and left that space to the lounge. My father was
nowhere to be found nor was his maid, I
presumed to prevent himself from hitting me he
decided to devour his supper in his bedroom. I
checked my food in the microwave and warmed
it prior to dragging myself to the lounge for a
reality show or two.

You know you not loved anymore when you

sleep on the couch and wake up on the couch,
well that was my life in a sentence. My plate
was right on the coffee table dry as fuck, and I
was shocked when I glanced over at the clock
on the wall and saw its hands read 06:20 in the
morning. Funny how the television was off and
there was a very tiny towel covering my feet, the
attempt my father did. I snorted when I sat up
feeling the pain on my neck, I felt like it had
broke three times and was walked over million
of times. I grabbed the plate and placed it in the
sink, soaking it with some water.
My day began after sis'Phumeza stepped in the
house telling me my father was out of town but
that didn't mean he wasn't sleeping home. Well
I couldn't care less, at least he wasn't home for
the time being. I understand I should have been
hurting that he couldn't wake me up and tell me
he was leaving instead had to call his so called
maid, I was used to it already. Having dressed
and had breakfast which was prepared by usisi I
left the house telling her I was going to do my
nails and hair in town.
I contacted Mihle just as I got off at Garden
Court hotel, it was literally a four minute drive
from my place, he told me his room number and
because the hotel wasn't as big as some which
I've visited it was easy to find the third floor.
When he opened the door I stepped in and was
taken back the amount of papers scattered all
over his bed, and a big file. A part of did not
know he was actually working
Mihle: Nhanha zam nezika David
Me: (giggles) Molweni Fhaku wethu
He was about to kiss me when he stopped
midway and cocked a brow, I leaned forward
and took the kiss
Me: Ndiyadlala (I'm joking).
Mihle: You're testing waters.
Me: Whatever. Unjani?
He gestured his hands towards his bed
"Busy."
I walked over the bed and took a set of stapled
papers which consisted of a list of numbers,
many were circles in red and just when I was
about to ask what that list was for he grabbed it
out of my hand
Mihle: Don't touch anything
Me: Oh. Ixolo
The seriousness in his face made me take a
step away from the bed so I wouldn't find
myself touching anything again
Me: What are those names for?
Mihle: Nothing you need to worry about.
I slightly nodded as I sat on the chair on the far
left, he packed his paper each on its own in that
file and pressed a couple of keys on his laptop
before closing it and looking at me
Mihle: Now you can come here.
Me: Come fetch me
Mihle: Mmmm, nyani?
He slowly licked his lips and took his between
his teeth, I nodded watching how he moved like
a predator towards its prey, he was a foot away
from me when he pulled his t-shirt over his head.
He stood between my legs touching my
shoulders, that's when I leaned in placing a wet
kiss on his lower abs, my hands were busy
undoing his belt. When his belt was undone I
stood up and pressed my lips against his, my
hand holding his manhood through the boxers
"Hmmmm."
Music to my ears. I wanted him to do it again
but to earn another soft moan I had to take him
in
Me: Can I remind you why I love you.
He looked straight into my eyes as I fell on my
knees. I was becoming the feisty me now, I was
in so much comfort zone he was actually
unleashing the bitch in me. His eyes burned into
mine until I licked the tip of his private part, he
closed them, a "fuck" escaping his lips. I was
slow, wanting him to rethink why he fell for me, i
wanted him to have flashbacks, it was actually
one essential medicine to remind a man why he
chose you and that's why I took my time. By the
time I was done he did not even give me a
chance to properly stand on my feet until he
had me pinned me against the wall, he licked
my lips before inserting his thumb in my mouth.
I was wild girl so I wasn't about to ask what
must I do with that thumb instead I sucked on it,
his hungry eyes giving me the courage.
Mihle: You giving me that feeling again.
Me: What feeling?
He grabbed my waist and pressed it against his,
his tongue twirling inside my mouth soaking me
between my legs. It was warm and tender,
seductively making its way to my lips and neck.
He moved one of his hands to my butt under my
skirt and shifted my g-strings to the side,
without expecting it he pushed in his middle
finger in my anus. Forgetting how that felt I let
out a sharp scream, the nerves making me
stand on my toes
"Shhhh."
He muttered against my mouth as he kissed me
gently, his middle finger not leaving my butt.
Mihle: Did it hurt?"
I shook my head. I don't know why I lied, I
believe it was the feeling of wanting to give him
what he wished for and I knew it would his
mood if I told him it stung. Maybe if he had
massaged it like he used to it would have been
better but it was over two months since his
finger made way into my butt and so my body
had forgotten the feeling. This man saw
through me, whether he was in a stable state or
not because his next sentence surprised me
Mihle: Maybe we should stop
Me: Why?
We were whispering like kids who had stolen
the moment under a roof full of elders. His
breathing was uncontrollable because I was
playing with his penis, I didn't want to stop. I
wanted him.
Mihle: Because
My eyes were on his face while his were closed
probably enjoying what my hand was doing to
him
Me: I'll give it you.
He snapped them open and looked at me with
the most lust I've ever seen any man display.
The lust suddenly turned to concern and I knew
I had to reassure him
Me: I think I'm ready.
He didn't have to ask what, he knew exactly
what I was talking about. He was about to pull
out his finger when I held his firm and looked at
him straight in the eyes, he swallowed
Mihle: Phindi
Me: Remember how you said we'd share a
certain connection if we did it, I want that
Mihle: Can we not?
Me: Please
He clinched his jaws, his height was still
hovering over mine
Mihle: I'm probably going to hurt you Mambhele
Me: You won't
He finally forced himself away from me, leaving
me against the wall, he didn't stop looking at
me
"I believe in you."
Mihle: I don't have a lubricate
Me: We won't need it
He tilted his head to the side and took me in, he
wanted to say something but I figured he
couldn't find the right words. He finally broke
eye contact and turned his back on me, he was
tense. He ran a hand down his face and turned
to look at me again
Mihle: What exactly is going on?
Me: Nothing
Mihle: Aphindiwe, you're not going to stand
there and lie to me.
Me: My nightmares are back (silence) of that
night.
I felt like my words were being blocked as I
spoke that is how much I was actually
whispering, I couldn't hear myself speak either.
He watched me and the anger that suddenly
showed in his eyes scared me, his breathing
was heavy, that Mihle I feared was back. I felt
like he was going to explode as he focused his
gaze on me that was until he nodded looking
away. He kept gritting his teeth because I could
see the reaction of his side jaw which kept
moving
Me: Please numb me ple....
Mihle: I understand. I do but you do know we
that isn't the right way to get rid of your
nightmares
I nodded forgetting he wasn't facing me. He
finally turned whilst addressing me
Mihle: This, we need to do ngendlela eright. Or
we could just not do it at all.
Me: Ngoba?
Mihle: Because
He opened his mouth to talk but closed it again,
he wanted to say something and I needed to
hear it
Me: Thetha Mihle
Mihle: Because it would change you.
Me: How?
Mihle: It doesn't matter Aphindiwe we just not
doing lento. There are various ways to fight
your nightmares and this isn't one of them.
Understood?
Me: I thought ubuyifuna (I thought you wanted it)
"Not anymore."
He challenged me to say anything else after
that but I shut my mouth and accepted what he
was saying. He was frustrated by then, I noticed
how his hands shook as he did his zips, he was
bothered by what I just told him.
Just when I thought I was getting some good
shandis I had to ruin it with my stupid dreams,
the mood that filled the room went from a
sexual one to one that oozed with anger.
174 Entry
Mihle

Monday I woke up thinking I was going to see

my woman but unfortunately there was a story
to it, her father refused, dragging her to court
instead. Not happy that I was leaving without
seeing her I drove to Port Elizabeth anyway. I
haven't seen my family ever since that stunt
they pulled at my house, I did however speak to
my mother a few times after that but that did
not mean I had forgotten what they put me
through. What they put my relationship through
but most importantly what they put Aphindiwe
through.
It didn't take me long until I arrived home
compared to the drive I did on Friday to Mthatha.
I was however a little too exhausted for
anything, even to speak was a sport. My sister
stood in front of my car her eyes scanning the
car as I pulled up phamb'kwe garage. It
occurred to me that she hadn't seen the car yet
hence the grin on her face. She only
approached my door when I turned off the
engine
"And then?"
I had to open the door to hear her properly
Me: Baby sis.
Zizipho: The car mfondin
Me: It's my new baby kaloku. Mama azange
akuxelele? (Didn't mother tell you?
Zizipho: No she never mentioned it.
I was expecting that since she saw the car only
when she was bringing a makoti for me. Their
minds were elsewhere but my car
"I did not know you were coming."
Me: Well ndilapha ngoku (Well I'm here now)
Zizipho: Umama uyayazi yena? (Does mama
know?)
Me: Nobody does
She brushed the body of the ride before turning
to me with yet another grin
Zizipho: A ride?
Me: Ha.a not ngoku
Zizipho: Ngoba? (Why not?)
Me: Zizipho.
Zizipho: Mxm, uyayitshintsha imood yomntu
yazi
Me: Pardon me for not being the best brother in
the world.
I closed the back door of my G- Wagon and
walked besides her towards the house. From
the side I could tell she was frowning and I
couldn't care less, my mood had just dropped
after stepping into this yard. We made it into
the house in silence and like I had hoped
umama was not home, probably by my uncle's
and I was somewhat hoping she would sleep
there. I throw my leather bag over my shoulder
and made way to my small apartment, that was
after having a glass of water in the kitchen. My
sister knew I wasn't the type to be all jill and
jolly just because I was seeing her after months
of being away, it was all the same to me - a
great big hug and a hello did it. I laid on the bed
and instantly rang my woman, the headache
that kept pounding causing me to close my
eyes. Her small voice put a smile on my face
Me: Bhelekazi
Aphindiwe: Andikukhumbuli (I so miss you).
Me: (chuckles) I know. Andikwazi ucinga
kakuhle when you not by my side yazi
Aphindiwe: Lies ezingaka
Me: So you don't believe me?
Aphindiwe: Hayi tshini. What's wrong?
Me: I'm home
Aphindiwe: Already?
Me: Mmmmm
Aphindiwe: Bendicinga usesendleleni, maybe a
little close ke. Ukhaw'lezile (I was thinking you
still on the way, maybe a little close then. You
were quick)
Me: Yeah, and since ndifikile apha my mood's
been off.
Aphindiwe: Why?
"Haven't seen them since lanto yomakoti."
She kept quiet and I could imagine the feeling it
might have brought to her, it was bitter by just
saying it
Me: Ngxesi, I shouldn't have
Aphindiwe: It's okay.
She cut me off sounding a little unconvincing
Aphindiwe: It had to be mentioned some time.
Do you think basezoqhubeka ngayo?
Me: Over my dead body
Aphindiwe: Mihle
Me: Nhanha
She didn't talk for some time, probably an
awkward twenty seconds before she sighed
softly
"We need to talk."
Me: About what?
Aphindiwe: Ngoku ubulapha I been thinking but
khange ndibene chance of asking you
Me: Ask me what?
Aphindiwe: Remember lanto that happened, the
thing is I'm worried because I feel I already
know what type of a man you are.
Me: And what happened?
Aphindiwe: Lento ka Odwa
I chuckled, this isn't what I expected, not at that
time
Aphindiwe: Uhm no jonga please don't get it the
wrong way but he did nothing.
Me: I wasn't planning anything against him
Aphindiwe
Aphindiwe: Please don't...
Me: I won't. You're looking out for a friend right?
"Ewe."
Me: Good.
There was silence and I loathed it, that burning
feeling that filled my chest made me sit up
straight, I saw through her and this was
something she didn't understand. She was
hiding something from me
Me: How was court?
Aphindiwe: Oh bekumnandi wethu but too long,
kuyathethwa phaya and seeing those people in
action Thixo wam
Me: The future you
Aphindiwe: You can say that again
Me: You don't sound too thrilled.
Aphindiwe: I'm not. This kaloku was my second
option, thanks to David, I'm a pharmacist type
of person.
Me: Damn that's far apart
Aphindiwe: I know right.
Me: Uzobaright
Aphindiwe: I know. Nyawuza
"Baby?"
Aphindiwe: Khabuye
Me: (chuckles) Jonga have you been to Durban?
Aphindiwe: No
Me: Uyafuna uya? (Do you want to go?)
Her screaming made me remove my phone
from my ear, she wouldn't stop causing the
clamour, asking questions amongst the yelling
she was doing
Me: Mambhele?
Aphindiwe: Okay, wait bhuti. Are you taking me
to Durban?
Me: Well you want to spend time with your man
right?
Aphindiwe: Ewe
Me: And you haven't been to Durban right
Aphindiwe: Yes
Me: Then we going Nhanha
Again she screamed and I swear I heard some
jumping happening as well. She wouldn't stop
thanking me like we were there already. We
continued talking until her father interrupted the
phone call, not wanting to be an inconvenient I
ended the call. Because I was in no mood to
face my mother yet I took a nap but to my
unfortunate luck it was disturbed right when I
started it.
"Mama ukhona. (Mom is here)"
Me: Sure
She was about to step out but stood at the door
and looked at me
Zizipho: And ndicinga ufuna ukubona (And I
think she wants to see you)
Me: Ndiyeza (I'm coming)
She walked out and left me lying there, in my
mind I was already having a conversation with
myself, begging myself not to snap or get
annoyed. I searched my bag and pulled out my
slippers before heading to the main house, not
quite happy to be leaving my comfort zone.
From the back yard where my room was
situated, the closest entrance was the kitchen
door, that's where I stood watching my sister
holding a tray with three glasses of juice
Zizipho: Ndikubale? (Must I count you?)
Me: No.
She nodded leaving the kitchen, I outstretched
my body and yawned, that gesture coming from
not getting enough rest. I filled a glass with
water then headed to the lounge to meet my
dear elders. My mother, mamncinci wam and
Bulelwa were sitting on the leather couches
chatting and laughing, they all glanced my way
when I walked in
Mama: Nkwenkwe
Me: Ma?
Mama: Molweni Ndoda, unjani mntanam? (Hello
boy, how are you my child?)
She hugged me and I returned the gesture
before letting her go and taking in her figure.
She wasn't short in height nor was she tall but
because I was a man, I stood two feet tall over
her
Me: Ndiright ma, ninjani nina? Mamomncinci?
(I'm okay mother, how are you guys? Aunt?)
Mamomncinci: Siyaphila Fhaku. Tshini Ndoda le
moto iphandle yeyakho?
I sat on the open space next to Zizipho and
continued with the chat with these women.
Bulelwa has always been the nosy one since we
were young, the age gap between us was
always visible because she made it clear every
time that she was five years older than I was.
She crossed her leg over the other like a woman
who was about to spit out some gossip and
asked
"So usuke ekapa uquba? (So you came from
Cape Town driving?)"
That was the most hilarious thing I've ever
heard, I understand I barely drove to Port
Elizabeth but I did when I wanted. Not knowing
how to answer that question I gave them an
honest answer
Me: Hayi. Ndisuka eMthatha (No, I'm coming
from Mthatha)
Bulelwa: Haibo wazi bani eMthatha? (Oh who
do you know from Mthatha?
Me: Aphindiwe
Her face changed sour and her eyes looked like
something had just been shoved between her
legs. My sister snapped her head at my
direction and that was the same reaction I
received from the other ladies in the room.
Something I had expected
Bulelwa: Yhini awaza naye apha (Oh and you
didn't bring her here
Me: Animfuni kaloku (You people don't want her)
I raced my eyes amongst them waiting for any
of them to justify themselves. My eyes landed
on my mother and she exhaled aloud, her eyes
on me
Mama: Waqhuma kakuhle kodwa Ndoda? (And
you drove well though Ndoda?)
Me: Well ndilapha (Well I'm here)
Mama: Sibulela uThixo ngokuthwala (We thank
the Lord for carrying you.)
Me: Bendisalele so ndicela uyogqibezela
ubuthongo (I was still sleeping so can I please
go finish my nap)
My mother stood up and walked me towards
the kitchen, that was after bedding goodbyes to
the other relatives. They informed me they
would tell my uncles that I were home, that was
another bunch I did not want to see.
Because a lot was occupying my mind I couldn't
nap again, not to even bring a drop of
drowsiness back. I took a long refreshing
shower and called on my gents, maybe a little
time out would do. I was obviously with
Kwanele, wherever I went around eBhayi he had
to be around. He was the only cousin close to
my age and most essentially who tolerated the
type of person I was; we grew up together so
the dude understood me better. Our first stop
was at Xolani's place where we had a couple of
beers with two other laaities from the hood. It
was just a casual chill before I went home, just
because I had my leave did not mean other
people were on holiday too.
The week passed by very slowly, it was boring
because I had nothing to do on my plate, my
days were spent just the same - Xbox, video
calling Aphindiwe, driving to the correctional
services to see a friend who was serving his
sentence, eat and repeat. Any day during the
week only became better when Kwanele arrived
back home from work but that was strictly at 6
pm everyday. My first Friday there mzala and I
had plans, we decided to gather the gents
around and have plenty of beers at the well
known drinking place, a place which carried
many good and bad memories. It occurred to
me that the last time I went there was when I
ended up dragging some slutty ex by her hair.
You had to understand how many reasons I had
for never visiting home, when I did it was
preferably a weekend and I wanted out of this
place. Many reasons which I felt forcefully took
me back to the old me, a me I was trying to
forget. Xolani, a friend of mine as well, made a
proposal that we pop by at Siyabulela's place
but didn't mention that his sister was around.
It was to my fucken surprise when we arrived
there and Siya asked me if I had wanted to see
someone. Now look before I talk about anything
else any further, Siya and myself were the best
of friends, were being the key word. We come a
long way back. We went to the same primary,
secondary and high schools, got into trouble
together, went to initiation school together, got
drunk together until I dated his little sister.
Maybe she were a little too young for me yes,
because back then a six year gap was a little
too much but then it was something we both
wanted, until she aborted a child that was
supposed to be mine. I sent her to a coma just
from a physical attack, was banned from seeing
her and heard she had moved to
Pietermaritzburg because the obsession I had
over her was enough for me to kill her, because
at that time in my life I felt she owed me a life
and happiness as well. I had over six years not
seeing her and six years of change and trying to
be a good man, I had a couple of years free of
drugs but still the mention of her name had me
feel like something punched me fucken hard in
the stomach.
Siyabulela: Uyafuna ubona uLelovuyo? (Do you
want to see Lelovuyo?)
The mocking manner in his tone didn't go
missed and the smirk on his face was a way to
test me, I thought he was fooling around until
he called her out. You have to understand that
this guy and I never really fixed our shit and I
understood why he hated me, we just tolerated
each other for the sake of the other friends we
shared. When she shouted his nickname I
noticed that her voice hadn't changed a bit, it
hadn't change a bit. With every drag of her
shoes against the tiles signalling she was
getting closer, I felt myself run out of breath. I
was still comprehending what was going on
when she appeared on the doorway and looked
at her brother
"Siya."
Siyabulela: uMihle ebefuna ukubona (Mihle
wanted to see you)
My concentration was on her face her still
innocent eyes instantly raced around the room
until they found me and she stopped moving,
the fear that suddenly consumed her when she
saw me made me realise to her I was still that
monster. Why wouldn't I be? I never apologized
to her instead I had hit her over and over again,
telling her I would do that until she brought
back my child. If it wasn't for the flashbacks
that came crashing into my head I would have
stood there and probably said a word or two but
I couldn't so I stormed out like a coward. I
needed to stop this feeling I felt was holding my
breathing back, my head was pounding and I
began sweating and shaking. I leaned against a
wall and tried calming myself down, seeing her
wasn't supposed to make me feel this way. It
was then I realised that in this period of six year
I never questioned myself on how I would be if
ever I saw her again, if I've ever really healed. I
never did self assessment because I thought
she was gone for good.
I began walking towards my car when Kwanele
came racing after me, he grabbed me by my
arm to stop me
"Ta Miles."
Me: Khandiyeke Kwanele (Let me go Kwanele
Kwanele: Jonga Miles, singavaya bra.
Ubungafuni uza kwalapha kakade (look Miles,
we can leave dude. You didn't want to come
here in the first place)
I touched the gate with my left hand while the
grip of my right hand on my beer became
tighter, I too thought I'd break it.
Me: Yintoni lento izanywa ngu Siyabulela?
(What is Siyabulela trying to do?
Kwanele: Ta Miles uyamazi uSiya ngokwenza
uqhusa nentando yakhe. For sure le ibiyindlela
yokwenza uphambane ngoku ndimjonge apha
ebusweni ngoku angenayo uVuyo (Bra Miles
you know how Siya is, he's always doing what
suits him. For sure this was a way of getting
under your skin because I studied his face when
Vuyo appeared in the kitchen.)
Me: Funeke ndithethe naye (I have to speak to
her)
He stopped me
"Andiqondi uba yeyona ndlela leyo. (I don't think
that's the way)"
Me: Ngoba? (Why?
Kwanele: I think uyakhala lamntana (I think that
kid is crying)
For the first time since I laid a hand on her I
thought about the emotional damage I put her
through. That was for the very first time I
actually thought I had fucked up big time. I was
still in my own mind when Xolani touched my
shoulder, I did not even see him approach us
"Bendingayazi uba ukhona lomntana bra. (I
didn't know this child was here dude.)"
Me: Ya sure
I had Kwanele take me home because I was
aware if I stayed and drank I was going to get
into a fight. What had to happen was for
someone to provoke me and I'd send them to
hospital so I avoided that. I borrowed him my
ride instead. I remember sitting at the table at
home with my mother cooking and my sister on
the other side of the table holding a coffee mug.
In my mind I heard them have conversation but
couldn't make out what they were saying, I was
staring right at the door, which brought in extra
light in the kitchen, without blinking. Zizipho
was irritating me with how she kept spinning on
that stool as she continued chatting with
umama. I did think I was going to mention it
and tell her to stop but my mind wouldn't let me
think of anything else but what I just saw less
than an hour ago
Zizipho: To earth with you, umama uyathetha
(Mom is talking)
She clicked her fingers in my face bringing me
back to earth
Me: Yintoni? (What?)
Mama: Uright Ndoda? (Are you alright boy?)
I turned my attention to my mother and nodded
slightly
Me: Ewe.
Zizipho: Uyaphosisa mama (Hes lying mother)
I wasn't even looking at them but was aware
that they had their eyes on me, both looking
concerned that I'd leave the house in a good
and return not okay
Zizipho: Ubungatshongo uba you going out for
drinks?
Me: Ndibone uLelovuyo (I saw Lelovuyo)
I heard my sister gasp and it had me wondering
what my mother looked like but I still refused to
look at them
Zizipho: Ukhona?! (She's around?!)
Mama: Wathini kuye? (What did you say to her?
I pushed back my chair and walked towards the
door, I shoved my hands in my pockets and
looked at the burglar before me, blocking me
from stepping out
Mama: Mihle?
Me: Andithethanga naye Ma (I did not speak to
her mama)
Mama: Mntanam ndiyakucela ungakhe ulinge
umbambe lamntana. Eyonanto ezobaright,
ungakhe ulinge uthethe naye (My child please
don't touch that child. What will be right is if you
don't even talk to her)
I turned to my mother, even she didn't trust me.
The pleading look she was giving me made me
feel like she was seeing me throw away the
work I've put in myself all these years only
because this girl was back in town
Me: I'm not that person anymore mama
Mama: Uyandothusa Mihle (You're scaring me
Mihle)
Me: I need to talk her
Mama: Mihle!
Me: Andizombambha! I just hav...
"Awuzoyenza lonto! Naku ngoku unomsindo
yento endingayaziyo, uyabhabhazela. Ngubani
uwazintoni uzoyenza kula mntana?! Huh?! (You
won't do that! Here you are angry from
something I don't know, you are fuming. Who
knows what you'll do to that child?! Huh?!)"
Me: Asoze ndiphinde ndimbambhe (I would
never hold her again)
Mama: Wakhe wayithetha lonto ngaphambile
(You once said that before)
Me: I was on tik ngoko
Mama: Mihle kukwam apha and usahlala under
my roof uzokwenza lento ndiyithethayo. Awuyi
uyothetha nalamntana (Mihle this is my home
and while you reside under my roof you'll do as I
say. You're not going to talk to that child.)
I faced away from them. I had to count my
words because I wasn't talking to my friend but
what I needed from her was trust at least, I
wouldn't throw away that much progress. I just
had to speak to her, I had to. There was a whole
lot silence, the anger and tension was thick
enough to cut.
Zizipho: Do you think uyafuna uthetha nawe
yena? (Do you think she wants to talk to you?)
Me: I couldn't care less what she wants.
Mama: Uyabona ke mntanam uzokhathala.
Uzomyeka lamntana yakwa Mali. Sufuna
undenzela intliziyo ebuhlungu Mihle mntanam,
utata uhamba usaqala uzilungisa and Myeni
wam doesn't know the progress usele uyenzile.
Ndicela ungandenzeli uxanduvha olungaka
Mihle, akekho utatakho. (You see my child you'll
care. You will leave that Mali girl alone. Please
don't break my heart Mihle my child, your father
left us just when you were starting to work on
yourself and my husband doesn't know the
progress you've done already. Please don't
bring this much weight on me Mihle, your father
is no more.)"
I could hear from her voice cracking that she
was at the edge of crying, I stood with my back
facing them and didn't move an inch. Her words
meant something to me and I valued them but
they did not know what it was I felt, why I
wanted to talk to her so badly. There were
things I needed to say to her.
I walked out of the house to my room only to
drown in my misery. I was lying on my bed with
my eyes closed as I paid attention to this bed
which felt like it was spinning. I'll admit I was
drunk I think because every second minute I
would down a cap of the whiskey I had sitting
besides my bedlamp.

The following morning I woke up with a

headache and hungry as fuck. I checked time
on my phone, anything after seven meant my
mother was already up. It was striking twenty
past nine, that explaining the sound my tummy
kept on repeating. After brushing my teeth I
retreated to the main house, mama was in the
kitchen dressed in her Wesile church uniform. I
always told her this was when she looked most
beautiful
Me: Molweni mama
She looked over her shoulder and greeted
between her teeth. It was obvious she was still
upset about yesterday's event because I can
guarantee you she definitely a morning person.
I searched the fridge for my plate and placed it
in the microwave to warm it up. She was
standing at the counter searching her
Truworths handbag, she pulled out a list and
her bank card, placed them on the table before
calling on her daughter
"Ma."
Mama: Iza.
Zizipho walked in still dressed in her pyjamas,
she had a bowl in her hand and a mouth full of
cereal. She waved a hand at me because she
was still in the proceess of chowing
Mama: Nali icard, nazi izinto uzozithenge.
Umama Faru sele esiza, mandihambe (Here's
the card, here's the list of things youll buy.
Mama Faru is on her way, let me go).
Zizipho: Bye
She glanced my way once more before leaving
the house. My sister was holding the list of
grocery in her hand scanning through it
Me: Grocery list?
Zizipho: Yep, ayinintsi kelonto (Yep, and it's
quite a lot)
Me: Mmmmm.
Zizipho: Ndicela undikhaphe toro bhuti (Please
escort me brother)
Me: Uqhel'hamba nabani kanti? (Who do you
often go with?)
Zizipho: Asenathi
Me: Hamba naye kaloku (Then go with her)
Zizipho: Mxm
She grabbed the stuff and pressed them under
her arm to hold them from falling as she took
the bowl and matched out of the kitchen
Me: Be ready ngo half 10!
I shouted before stepping out of the house. I
devoured my food while cleaning the room -
sweeping, placing my shoes and clothes where
they should be and gathering all the stuff I had
laying around. I had been in the hood for a week
and it already felt like a whole year. The work of
being a man back home was a bonus on its
own, it deserved to be listed as a sport. Shit
was too much.
I wasn't the type to go shopping unless it was
for my clothes but because I wanted to take my
mind off things I did. I never really knew doing
grocery for a woman was this tiring, it was
impossible to find the things she had listed
there. Instead of grabbing Long life milk, she
specified she wanted clover milk, tshini Bawo.
Wasn't millk all the same nah? There were salad
dressings we had to buy strictly at Woolworths
food. I had to ask Zizipho multiple times if we
weren't going to Exact and Milady's for sugar or
flour maybe. When I bought my groceries I did it
at one supermarket, either checkers or
pick'n'pay and I didn't freak out when I left
something behind. I'd always pick it up the next
day or week, it wasn't the end of the world.
By the time we returned home I promised her
never to go grocery shopping with her again. I
wasn't pissed that these small stuff we bought
cost me thousands like I were buying a grocery
for ten people but I was fucken angry that we
even went to Woolworths for food. What the
fuck was wrong with women?

I remember sitting on the couch watching these

reality shows with my sister but ended up
sleeping. I was disturbed by my phone ringing, I
snorted when I saw Xolani's name, a part of me
was hoping it was Phindi
Me: X
Xolani: Khandikhaphe Miles bra (Please drive
me Miles dude)
Me: Vaar? (Where?)
Xolani: Airport chap, kune vrou endiyoy'landa
pha (Airport dude, there's a lady I'm fetching
there)
Me: Yooh
I yawned as I removed my feet from the coffee
table
Xolani: Khawenze Miles (Come on Miles)
Me: Sure. Uphi? (Where are you?)
"Pozini bra (At home)"
I reported to Zee that I was heading out, she
was in the kitchen preparing to cook supper. I
passed by my room first to change from the
shorts to black jeans and my black Nike Thai. I
kept my white t-shirt and only threw on a jacket
in case I did not come back earlier than I
anticipated. My drive to the airport with Xolani
was okay, he was filling me in with all the
events that were going to take place in the hood,
by events I meant the good and the bad. From
funerals to your graduation and birthday parties.
The lady who awaited us at the airport was his
baby mama, a lady he's been on and off with for
as long as I can remember. She was visiting
home from Johannesburg where she worked
and raised her son, a boy who looked so much
like his father.

You do understand that iBhayi has to be the

most corrupt town in the Eastern Cape and
that's why we grew up the way we did. We
thought getting drunk, taking drugs, giving out
babies and hitting girls was the proper way any
man should live. We were messed up teenages
but many of them recovered before I did. Their
definition of hitting a girl back in those days
was to give her a slap just to discipline her but
mine was more like put her in a hospital bed. At
that point and time in life it made me feel
superior, nobody touched my sister if she didn't
want to be touched because it was her brother
they feared. When I walked in a spot people
acknowledged presence, people let down their
guts just to move out of the way. I mean there
was nothing fun about it because nothing was
alright with being known as a killer and an
escapee of prison. I remember when I did start
changing, the rumours I heard about how much
of an act that was because sooner or later I'd
return to that nothing of a child I was. I grew up
believing I'd be nothing because society made
me feel that way and I gave them a reason to.
Now that I have changed I wanted to take it all
back because they were people I was keen to
know but discovered they feared me enough to
even utter a word to me. Even when I looked
like the best product of rehab there were still
some people who saw that monster in me and
she was one of them.
We were driving down the streets of Motherwell,
just a couple of houses from Xolani's when I
saw her standing with three other girls just a
yard away from her home. UXolani wandibona
uba ndandizomisa because I remember him
looking at me and say
"Hamba Miles."
But I didn't, I stopped and my gaze never left her.
To them I'm pretty sure I appeared like
someone who was going to hit her because
during the time I was with her that's all they
witnessed. I heeded they were looking at the car
as I stepped out curious as to who owns it.
Xolani copied my actions only to stop me. When
my eyes met hers she instantly turned on her
heel and ran the opposite direction, going to her
home meant passing by me so she thought it
would be better if she just didn't go home. I
didn't have the time to get back in my car and
drive after her so I ran after her, and it wasn't
even fifteen seconds before I caught up with
her. Her jacket was the first thing on reach so I
held it but she attempted taking it off so I took
a large step and encircled my hand around her
waist. It broke my heart when she stopped
breathing, acting like someone who was waiting
for nothing but a slap or fist or maybe a kick
from me
Me: Lelo
Lelovuyo: Ndicela undiyeke Mihle (Please leave
Me alone Mihle)
Me: Ndifuna sithethe (I want us to talk)
Lelovuyo: No no no no no.
She cried and fuck me for hoping she wouldn't,
it was impossible not to
Me: Andizokubetha (I won't hit you)
Lelovuyo: Please let me go. I'll do whatever you
want please, ndiyakucela Mihle
I tightened my grip around her not because I
didn't hear her plead but because those words
hit a deep sensitive spot in me, those were the
exact same words she would use when I either
forced myself on her or hit her. I released her
and I swear I never saw someone run that fast
in my life when there was nothing chasing her. I
could see from a blurry vision the people from
the neighbouring houses and on the streets
watching, convinced like any other person that I
was going to hit her.
I wanted to yell, I wanted to scream and
probably run for my life. This feeling was
foreign, I haven't felt it way too long, I haven't
endured it since I moved to Cape Town. I felt a
tear leave my eye and fall unto my cheek as my
mind took me back to 2010, right somewhere
on that same street.
Entry 175

Aphindiwe

Not only was I back to having my rape

nightmares but my mother was appearing in my
dreams again. She was still telling me to save
the little boy, but I still couldn't understand the
dream. And no, I could not run to my father for
help, he wasn't a very traditional man so that
Saturday of the second week I took a short trip
to Northcrest, Makazi was my only help at that
moment. When I arrived at Northcrest Makazi
sent Asanda and I to the shopping store for a
2L of coke and bread. We left her frying eggs
and some Russians. That was the only place
that felt like home, where I wasn't stuck
watching television or locked up in my room.
Like any other children, we took the longer route
to the shop and back, reason being, we wanted
to talk about boys and nothing else. She had me
in the corner asking about Mihle, as well judging
me on my decision of giving him a second
chance. Ndandiyithanda landonda and she
somehow felt like I didn't know him enough to
love him this much, she continuously kept on
reminding me his family did not approve of me
so that meant I should have more fun. A year
ago I would have bought what she said, and
agreed how much sense she was making but
not then, I could not.
We returned home to cold eggs and russians,
that's how long we've been gone. After warming
our foods we sat around the table with Makazi
and had a school talk. She sounded worried and
concerned that Asanda's studies would now be
affected with Bhuti Olwethu still behind bars,
the mention of his name scarred me. As much
of a home this was, it wasn't as warm without
him.
Me: Makazi uyakhumbula bendicele sithethe?
(Aunt do you remember I asked us to talk?)
Makazi: Ewe ntombi
Me: Bendifuna sithethe ngephupha endihlala
ndinalo and utata akanaxesha lam (I want us to
talk about a dream I'm always having and my
father doesn't have the time)
Makazi: Ewe sisi
She wasn't looking at me, she was focused on
her plate slicing the egg in small pieces with her
fork. I only managed to get a glance from her by
the mention of my mother's name
"Umama uvela oko kweliphupha. (My mother
appears every time on this dream.)"
Makazi: Uthini? (What is she saying?)
Me: Lamaphupho abakwindayo ezi different oko
but qho xa evela kubakho umntana
oyinkwenkwe omncinci, undixelela oko uba
mandim'sindise lomntana kodwa ndiyaboyika.
(These dreams are on different places always,
but every time she appears there's this young
boy, and she always tells me to save him but
I'm scared of him.)
She looked at me whilst playing with the
teaspoon in her cup, I wanted to know what she
was thinking.
Makazi: Kunomntu ongekho right okhoyo
empilweni yakho? (Is there currently someone
who isn't alright in your life?)
Me: If ayindim, akekho omnye endimaziyo (If it
isn't me, I know of no other person.)
She let out a suppressed laugh, one I guess was
directed to my not-so-funny joke. It saddened
me how they thought it was a joke but to me it
was a feeling, something I carried ever since I
lost my mother. It was a wound which only
became deeper after my rape attack. I was
always placed in situation where I had to act the
strongest because I appeared I had it all
together and because I did not want to put my
father in a pessimistic spotlight, and because I
did not want to reveal myself vulnerable, I acted
strong. I was far from being strong and there
currently two people who seemed to know this;
Mihle and Asanda. Both of them knew just as
much, there were a couple of things I was
hiding from each of them, to Mihle being many
family matters and to Asanda it was my rape.
Makazi: Uthi msindise entwenini lomntana?
(What is she saying save this boy from?)
Me: Andazi Kazi but uyakhala lomntana and
unegazi (I don't know aunt but this boy is crying
and stained with blood.)
The look she gave me was one of concern as
though she knew something I didn't. She
probably did, these elders always did and felt it
was okay not saying a word because they felt
they were protecting us
Makazi: Ndizokuxelela ntombi noba ku late
phambikoba uhambe (I'll tell you later before
you leave)
We continued with feasting afterwards Asanda
and myself cleaned the kitchen. We took a walk
around the streets, seeing and talking to every
person we knew on those streets. Many of
them viewed me as the 'rich girl who didn't
associate herself with Eastern Cape females' it
was the label I carried since I was in Primary
when I would come visit. All thanks to my
father's status. Some were kind enough to ask
how I was doing and mention how long it has
been since they last saw me, others just walked
up to us and hugged Asanda pretending like I
weren't even there
I recall how we bought cracker snacks and
crazy pops, and I forced her to walk back with
me so we would get more crazy pops, these
type of snacks came once in a year to me more
like Christmas. Later that day as promised,
Makazi explained to me what the dream might
have meant, she did mention that she too
wasn't quite sure but her interpretation couldn't
be that far.
After her explanation a part of me knew it could
be Mihle but another half was denying it. He
was a man who seemed like he had everything
under control, despite his parents coming
through uninvited and bringing a wife for him,
he didn't seem bothered. He killed his enemy
right? And to my thinking Bafana couldn't be the
problem, these dreams occured to me way
before I knew Bafana was in Mihle's life. Makazi
kept on telling me it was my job to find that
person because probably they didn't know they
were in danger. It's a memory to me how I had a
headache on my way home, thinking about
what possibly could be the problem. Why did he
want my help
When I arrived home the first thing I did was to
call him, at least to hear his voice
Mihle: Mambhele
I don't know if I imagined it all but he sounded
not himself, he seemed down
"Uright?"
Mihle: Yah, I am love. Wena uright?
Me: Yes. Are you sure you okay?
Mihle: Ewe. Ikhona ingxaki? (Yes. Is there a
problem?)
Me: Ha.a
Mihle: You don't sound you convincing.
Me: Hayi I was just checking, you sound a little
down
Mihle: I must be tired but ndiright Nhanha
Me: Okay, uphi? (Where are you?)
Mihle: Home
Me: And the music?
Mihle: Zinto zika Zizipho ezi (This is Zizipho's
doings)
Me: Okay let's talk on Whatsapp then,
ayinintsanga le airtime (this airtime isn&apos;t
a lot)
Mihle: Not ngoku (not now )Nhanha but I'll call
you later kevha.
Me: Ngoba kutheni ngoku? (What's the problem
with now?)
Mihle: I'm busy okwangoku
He sounded like someone who was laying on
the couch with his feet on the coffee table like
he liked doing and that in my definition was not
busy but I let it slid bidding my farewell.
For the rest of the day I just watched movies
that were available, searched Box Office and
rented those which weren't. I watched those
having a snack of Jumping Jack popcorn, I
couldn't seem to get my mind off this thing and
as a result it gave me a terrible headache. A
part of me wanted me to ask Mihle that same
day but I did not want to address it over the
phone, I had to look at him in the face and see if
he'd lie about it. My other worry was seeing
things through dreams all of a sudden, growing
up a Xhosa individual I always knew visualizing
through dreams meant having a gift of seeing
things and many people I knew ended up
bethwasa. I knew it was not for me, there was
no way ndingaba ligqirha.
We were just a week to Christmas and for some
of us that vibe was not even felt in our homes.
My father was hardly home, sis'Phumeza had
her leave and that left me alone with that huge
house. I was hoping utata had forgotten about
the punishment because not long from then I'd
need money to refresh my hair and probably
buy an outfit or two for the trip to Durban. Mihle
hadn't said when we were going there and
because I knew he was capable of saying
tomorrow I had to stay ready. I fell asleep on
the couch while watching Agent 47, my
favourite, and was woke by my father who
shoved a Spur container my way
Tata: Uyalala esofeni zam awonaxhala (You
sleep on my couches you actually have no
worry.)
I looked at him as he took the remote to change
the movie which had just began. Standing up I
stretched my body
Me: Is this all mine?
Tata: Ewe sele ndityile mna (Yes I've ate already)
Me: Phi? (Where?)
Tata: At Spur
Me: You could have brought it apha endlini sitye
sobayithu (You could have brought it here so
we can eat together)
Tata: Ngoku ukhamisileyo apha
He glanced my way for a split second prior to
turning towards the tv which displayed a News
channel. I made way to the kitchen to warm up
my food, grabbed myself a can of Just Juice
then went back to lounge. We sat in silence
while I ate and he got busy on his laptop
simultaneously dividing his attention to the
television
"I haven't seen your marks."
It made me cringe every time he spoke English
because he always sounded like he had a better
accent than I did, and it wasn't supposed to be
that way, this man was a product of Apartheid
Me: Azikaphumi (they aren't out yet)
He looked at me and stopped typing, this was a
ticket for me to carry on talking
Me: We only getting them in January.
Tata: And I need to have them e-mailed
immediately when you receive them
Me: Oh kay
He raised his eyebrows at my bored tone
Tata: Aphindiwe uyayiqonda uba andidlali
ngalento (Aphindiwe you do understand that I'm
not joking), those marks are your everything
basically.
I grinned when he looked away only to catch
him looking just when I was pulling a face at
him, he shook his head, definitely holding
himself back from swearing. I held back a laugh
when he continued shaking his head but looking
at the PC in front of him. I was lucky enough to
have the remote and change the channel to my
liking, he was too glued on his laptop screen
and occupied with work. He sent me about
three times to the kitchen to get him either a
glass of a water or a can of Just Juice, that was
before I left him in the lounge alone. In my
bedroom I was multitasking, busy on my laptop
watching Power and also busy on Whatsapp. I
had seasons of Power I had not finished yet
and they helped me greatly in days like these
when I was bored. I later received a call from
Mihle like he had promised, we had a call
duration of close to two hours, if that wasn't an
indication of how much we missed each other
then I don't know.
During that call he confirmed our trip date, the
29th of that December, giving me enough time
to plan a convincing lie so David would grant
me permission without asking way too many
questions.

Lelovuyo

I turned over in my bed hugging my pillow while

I listened to my mother and brother have the
loudest quarrel about me. Mother was mad that
her dearest son had called me out to see Mihle
but right now she was even more mad that he
actually touched me. I dried my cheeks and
eyes with the back of my hand and attempted
erasing the image of him in my head but I
couldn't, he somehow seemed to be stuck at
the back of my mind. Progress of fucken six
years and it was all for nothing. I stayed away
from home and my family for six years full
because I still wanted to live. My mouth was
still sour from vomiting earlier on, I cried to a
extent where my intestines couldn't take it
anymore and ended up throwing up. A part of
me could not believe how selfish he was but
another part kept reminding me that this was
Mihle; he thought of no one but himself.

I'm out here bluffing yet I haven't even told you

about myself. My name is Lelovuyo, a 23 year
old from Port Elizabeth from a large Mali family.
I was the last born of five children, well four
now because we lost my other brother in this
gangster life. It was a pain every family went
through here in Port Elizabeth, parents burying
their children because they got killed in a gang
or wanting to leave a gang. The only thing that
brings me here is my relationship with Mihle, a
relationship I thought I was over until I saw him
again. I was that one beautiful child in the
family, the type who used her beauty and body
to attract the boys, I was your typical teenager.
Snitched out to get drunk, had tried out weed
and cigarette before, wore make-up at school
and had the waistband of my school skirt under
my breast just so it would be the suitable length
for me.
That was all before I met Mihle. He was your
cleanest drug addict ever. Never a single day
would you find him looking like he needed a
scrub, no he was clean even when smelling like
the strongest weed blunt ever. When I met him
little did I know he was involved in this gang life
and doing drugs. I remember it very well, he
looked like the best thing God had ever placed
in that environment with me around. Like
everybody who was in that tavern, he was there
to drink as well like I was myself, he had a beer
in his hand and looked unmoved by every girl
who stepped through that door. His
concentration was on a certain table, an empty
table I noticed and he was only staring at it that
hard because he was thinking. That was my cue
to ask my girls we change tables.
He was dressed in black denim and had a navy
Adidas track jacket and a cap, with a beer in his
hand and his eyebrows furrowed. We moved to
the table he faced and it took him a while to
actually notice that the place had been
occupied. At the age of 15 and obviously
desperate for attention I stood up and made
sure he saw the size of my butt in those blue
high-waist jeans I had on. I recall how he just
looked at me then turned to the other boys
around him, he looked calm even when talking,
unlike many people I knew he didn't use much
energy for talking. It was so attractive how he
seemed like he wasn't competing with the
music because instantly when his mouth
moved the other guys paid attention. A best
friend of mine was actually annoyed by then
because she failed to understand this
obsession I had over bad boys, she was only
different one in the group because my other
girls knew exactly what I saw. I was little
disappointed when he finished his beer and
stood up leaving the table, he made his way
towards the door. His figure spoke authority,
boss and it was how careless he handled it that
attracted me. His hands were in his pockets as
he walked like he had all the time in the world.
He walked in again after a long while, a friend
on his side and that was the first time I saw him
smile as he pulled out his chair. It took just that
much to have me dancing next to their table,
between the space of both our tables and
glancing his way every chance I got. His eyes
followed my every move and it was somewhat a
drop of energy for me. By the end of the night I
had his number in my E250 and he had mine in
a phone that looked more expensive.
My mother warned me about men who were out
of high school every time she would see me
standing with one in the streets. Many of them
were friends but to her because I was still in
high, the only boys I had to befriend were from
high school and it was only appropriate if we
spoke about school work and nothing else.
This was the year Whatsapp was introduced
and I was still preoccupied with Mxit, my phone
only allowing that type of communication either
than phone calls and text messages. He never
called for a whole four, it had me think he never
saved my number but when he eventually did
and asked to see me, to me that was an
achievement. That specific day I left the pots at
low heat on the stove because I couldn't miss
that chance, I literally wet my neck from the
cheap body spray I had and gave an extra glow
to my lips with lip gloss. He leaned against a
electric pole smoking a cigarette as I
approached him, still looking like he owned that
space.

It was in a matter of three days and we

confirmed being an official couple. I wanted
everybody to know and so they did because I
bragged about him to every girl. It was from
every boy who liked me when I heard that he
was a leader of some specific gang, because I
was naive and in love I thought they were
making these stories up just to have me leave
him. He only confirmed the news to me five
months in our relationship and still I did not
leave him. I could have left then because he
was already changing me but I did not. I only
went out when he did, could only wear my short
clothing in the yard and when stepping out I had
to change. There were great verbal fights
between us if I was seen with
 any guy. I had it all to leave but I loved him so I
stuck around. You have to understand that I
didn't see anything wrong, he hadn't hit me right
so he couldn't be that bad. Aged 15, repeating
grade 8 and there was this mysterious
boyfriend by my side, I felt I had made it in life
kaloku mntase. He gave all the signs on a silver
platter and still I didn't question any of them.
The clothes he'd buy me, the snacks and
chocolates, the expensive birthday gifts. I was
enjoying every bit of it and would not risk it by
believing all the stories I heard, yes he was a
gang leader but he was good to me and my
boyfriend. And it only changed that one
particular day, that day he asked to see me at
11 in the evening, I was sleeping then and
received a call from him. A call that somehow
changed my life because it was that day I
sneaked out only to receive my first hit from
him. I wasn't aware he had called me to hit me,
well he wasn't planning to hit me, he called to
ask for a favour in the middle of the week and I
could not, immediately when I told him I
couldn't he laid a had on me.
The next day he apologized like a priest who
made the biggest mistake and sin but he did it
again and apologized, then again and again
until I tried dumping him. If you have dated a
nyaope boy before you'll know you don't just
leave them when you please, they call the shots.
I started thinking he was going to kill me
because I found ways to run away from him,
ways to not meet up with him, ways to ignore
him but he always found me and when he did
before reminding me how much he loved me
he&apos;d hit me. It scared me because I felt it
strong for him still even when he hit me, I would
actually defend him when people accused him,
would lie and cover up for him when questioned
as to why I had bruises.
I drew a line when I survived a coma because
he hit me and had the nerve to dump me at my
doorstep, unconscious and bleeding. My
mother found me God knows when and actually
believed I had died. This was a story to me but
when told I had flashbacks of begging him not
to but he continued, he hit me until I did not
have it in me anymore. Okay I might have
aborted his child but I was damn 16 at that time,
scared and did not want to drop out of school.
My mother had made it clear that she didn't
have money to raise another child, my father
worked at the mines and earned the little to
raise us, and umama was a housewife. There
was no money for another child so I had to do
what was best fit and that was to have an
abortion. I could not tell him because I was
aware of his passion for being a father so I did
it privately then a friend I thought was a friend
told another person until it got to his ears. And
here I was laying on my bed trying to keep my
tears from falling again. Maybe coming back
was a bad idea, I don't know what I thought, that
maybe he would not be home or that after six
years his family had found a home elsewhere.
I knew very well that he wouldnt stay long in jail,
he did escapes before he dated me and during
our relationship.

I dragged myself out of my bed and retreated to

the kitchen with hope that I'd get water for my
dry throat but was stopped in my tracks but
Siyabulela
"Bhuti."
Siyabulela: Uthi ikubambe phi lekaka inguMihle?
(Where did this shitty Mihle hold you?)
Me: Undibambe uba ebefuna ndibe (He held me
because he was trying to stop me)
Mama: Andikhathali noba ebefuna ukupha imali,
andifuni landlavini yomntana isondele kuwe (I
don't care whether he wanted to give you
money, I don't want that discourteous child next
to you)
Me: Inoba ebefuna uthetha (Maybe he wanted
to talk)
Siyabulela: Khayeke umthethelela! (Stop
defending him!)
Me: I'm not! Nguwe lo ubusithi utshintshile
uMihle so if he changed nyani he probably did
not want to hit me!
Siyabulela: Uphambene?!
Me: Sundi shouta!
Siyabulela: Khahambe uyolala, uqhunyiwe wena
(Just go sleep, you're high)
Mama: Lelo khaw'yiyeke lento mntanam (Lelo
leave this my child.)
I matched out of the kitchen without getting the
drink of water I wanted. I loathed how he was
throwing tantrums like he would do something
if Mihle stepped foot here but he wouldn't,
instead of punching him in the face he'd just
talk like he was addressing a Lord of some sort.
I don't know how long I drowned in my own
misery on that bed before my mother came to
my rescue, she walked in and gave me the most
sympathizing look ever
"Uright?"
I shrugged my shoulder unsure how to answer
the question, I was not okay but I understood
where all that came from, she was frustrated.
She sat on the side of my bed and patted my
legs
Mama: Uyayazi Lelo uba ndizivha njani
ngalam'gulukudu womfana and andikufuni
ukubona ube naye (You know Lelo that I don't
want to see with that ill-mannered boy.)
Me: Asoze mama.
Mama: Uyayazi intlungu wasibeka kuyo
lamntana, uyayazi Lelovuyo (You know the pain
he put us through)
I nodded feeling the lump on my throat grow,
the last thing I wanted was being reminded how
he actually tried killing me. It was a reminder to
me every single day I spent away from home.
Mama: Awuzoya ndawo. Kulapha kokwenu qha
uba lamntana akakazwi usuka kuwe sizofaka
abapolisa. Akaqeqeshwanga gqithi la Mihle
(You're going nowhere. This is your home and if
that child cant stay away from you we'll include
the cops. That Mihle boy was not groomed well.)
She left me in that room after giving me the
same warning six times. I wasn't planning on
having contact with Mihle but my worry was did
he feel the same, he knew where I lived and
knowing him he was the type of man to just
walk through that gate and come stepping on
the same doorstep he left me to die. I was
hoping my mother would have at least allowed
me to go back, I wanted to breathe and have a
normal happy December but with that going on
it seemed already impossible.

The following days I had to remain in the house

to avoid any contact with Mihle but the little
contact I would have with him would have me
tumbling like I never survived what he put me
through. I honestly couldn't care less it was he
wanted to talk about, I just could not see him, I
didn't want to even breath in the same space as
him. As much as I was taught to forgive, I
believed I would never get through what that
man did to me. Never.
Entry 176

Nomthandazo
Being a mother had to be the worst thing ever in
this world. Not that I did not want children but
from all that experience I knew someone had to
get pregnant for me and raise my children for
me but have me them my own. The second
worst thing about being a mom was loving that
small innocent child even though he looked like
his daddy who did not want you any more. I
actually thought I wasn't going to fill you in with
the whole waking up in the deepest hours of the
night to stop his cry, or change his diaper, or
change his sleeping position but I had to tell
you in case you thought it was all cute.
I was laying flat face on my pillow still not
planning on getting out of bed any time soon. I
had the best mother if you care to know, she
was more like my nanny than a mother at that
stage in my life, and she still did it all for free.
Sivuyisiwe had gone to George for the holidays,
she left immediately after her leave began and
that meant I was left at home with my parents
and my little sister who wasn't really helpful. If
she wasn't out with her friends, she was glued
to her phone. I reached for my phone under the
pillow and unlocked it, my thumb swiping over
the Whatsapp icon. Yesterday, I felt my heart
fall to the pit of my stomach when I viewed
Mihle's display picture, only to come face to
screen with a devilish smiling Aphindiwe at the
airport. He hated doing that, well I would know
because it was a topic I raised. He only did it
once in a decade and his display picture
remained the same for centuries. I remember
looking at his status for a long while wondering
why he didn't change so it corresponded with
her image. It was still inked
"I'm a father.
I did not have to view his picture to see if it was
still her, I could tell from just looking at it appear
through that small circle.
My bedroom door swung open and Azola
appeared on the doorway, already dressed
Azola: Uthi umama vuka (Mother says get up)
It was a week later after Sivu departure that we
were going to George. For obvious reasons of
course.
Me: Ulilelani umntanam? (Why is my child
crying?)
Azola: Mama uyamtyisa (Mom's feeding him)
I pulled the blankets over my head and could
still feel her staring at me. You need to
understand why I never got along with Azola the
way Sivu did. One, I wasn't the type to free talk
with her about boyfriends and all, two the year
gap between her and I I always wanted it to be
seen. And thirdly, I wasn't your easy person,
didn't socialize much nor go out much. And
another thing that drove me insane about her
was how she always wanted to be the golden
child. As the last born she was to act that and I
was supposed to understand that right? But I
couldn't for very personal and obvious reasons.

I was happy my mother was available to help

me but I knew that my holidays would be spent
looking for a nanny because mid January I had
to be back at work and with my mother
resigning as a nurse, things were going to be a
little hard for me. You might be thinking her
resignation was the greatest thing but it wasn't,
they planned to leave us and go stay in George.
Yes, it was still based in the Western Cape but it
was as far as KwaZulu Natal when I thought
about Olakhe giving me problems. Thank God
my father was around, umama didn't really do
much yelling at me for making them an hour
late. We were told from last night that at least
12 o'clock in the noon must have us stepping
out of the house and we only left at something
past one. I was always excited being home, by
home I did not mean Belmar but George. Being
together with the family was one of the greatest
feelings ever, and to be honest if it were by
choice I would stay there with grandma and
rather work that side.
You know what it's like being gathered together,
having to serve about thirty people at once. We
helped each other with the cooking, by having
each of us cooking and prepare a certain
portion of a meal. The starch and meat were
always the most difficult to cook, it's either they
burnt or never well-cooked. Our mothers always
complained, questioning about the types of
housewives we'll be. Those were their times, we
lived in a different generation now where we
needed not to be housewives but wives.

I was catching up with the sisters and cousins

from the family while I watched one of
Malumekazi's children hold uOlakhe. I couldn't
take my eyes of her fearing that she might drop
my baby. uAmahle was a 12 year old and she
was still a baby herself, I couldn't trust her with
my child
Me: Mahle khazombeka apha sisi (Mahle come
put him her love)
She was careful with every step she took as she
walked towards us. Next to me on the couch I
had laid out some blackest for him, that's where
he was resting before Mahle woke him up. She
placed my son in my hands and I held him, he
was staring at the fan which was attached to
the roof, amused by its speed.
Lala: So wakushiya nje njalo uMihle mfazi? (So
Mihle left you just like that?)
Me: Ewe kaloku
Lala: Rha bekunonyiwa (Damn there was going
to be shit)
Sivuyisiwe: Hayi man, khaniyeke uthetha
ngoMihle (No man, just stop talking about Mihle)
Boni: Hayi ntombi ngoba? Tshini ndifuna
umbona lomntana mna (No girl why? I want to
see this girl)
Me: Awumazi na uAphindiwe? (Do you know
Aphindiwe?)
Boni: Tuu ke sana
Me: Mandi, Uphi uAzola? (Mandi where's Azola?)
Mandisa: Ebese kitchen umgqibele kwam (She
was in the kitchen the last time I checked)
Me: Ndicela undibizele yena (Please call her for
me)
You probably wondering why I was sharing this
with everyone, that's because they asked. They
were family and were the females in the same
age group as myself and Sivu, we spoke about
everything and they happened to ask where
baby daddy was and how he was doing, and
how our relationship was going. They weren't
just shocked that we broke up, they devastated
to hell that our younger dearest sister took him
for me. Azola appeared from the kitchen
walking with Mandi and Aya
Azola: Nomtha?
Me: Unazo ipicture zika Aphindiwe mos? (You
have Aphindiwe's picture right?)
Azola: Ewe ngoba? (Yes Why?)
Me: Khabonise uBoni (Show Boni)
Azola: Why?<br>
Boni: Yhini Azola ntombi iquestions ezingaka
(laughs) hayi khazise le phone yakho (Yho
Azola girl so many question (laughs) just bring
your phone).
She handed the phone to Boniswa after paging
through her images first. Boni's face became
blank then she laughed afterwards
"Haibo unangphi lomntana? Zintanga zoAzo
mos ezi (Oh how old is this child? These are
Azo's age group.)"
Me: Mncinci (She's young)
Azola: A year older than mna
Boni: Ndincenda ngongamazi. Yooh (claps
hands)
Sivuyisiwe: Anindidike (You guys are boring me)
Lala: Umilile ke usisi. Ukhulile nafuthi from the
last time ndagqibele umbona (She's got a great
body and has grown from the last time I saw
her)
Boni clapped her hands again. Lala was passing
the phone back to its owner when Boni took it
and stared at the picture again. She chuckled
"Uza nini Tamnci apha? (When is Tamnci
coming here?)"
Me: Andazi (I don't know)
Boni: Hayi ndifuna ubona lentombi yakhe (I
want to see his girl)
Sivuyisiwe: Inoba bazoza since umamoncinci
passed on, uza oko (They'll probably be here
since auntie passed on, they're always here)
Boni: Ebekhona last year Tatomncinci? (Was
uncle here last year?)
Me: Ewe
Boni: Laliphi eliholazana? (Where was this
whore? )
Sivuyisiwe: Khaniyeke uthetha ngomntana kanje!
Nibadala for lento niyenzayo (Just stop talking
about the child like this! You're old for what
you're doing)
Lala: Haibo sothukile Vuyi (We're shocked Vuyi)
Sivuyisiwe: Haisoka. Kudala nithetha and kuyo
yonke lento you haven't said a word about how
wrong Mihle is naye kulento, into eniyenzayo
kuthuka uAphindiwe (Nonsense. Y'all have been
talking and all this you haven't a said about how
wrong Mihle is as well, all you're doing is
swearing at Aphindiwe)
Boni: Yoh insensitive letopic
I was still surprised by Sivuyisiwe's outburst.
When we spoke about this I honestly didn't
know who's side she was on. I understood she
hated uchuku and was always there when I
needed a shoulder to cry on about this matter
but whenever I said something negative about
Aphindiwe she acted like I hadn't spoken a word.
Me: Very sensitive
I watched as my elder sister took her laptop and
the Drum magazine she was reading and walk
out of the lounge. I couldn't give a stinking
damn, if it was about Aphindiwe I'd say
whatever it was I wanted.
Mihle

Working in the rain wasn't a problem, catching a

cold was. I had a weak immune system hence I
avoided getting cold but that morning I was
soaking wet. At past seven I was already at
another family's yard, slaughtering cows and
sheep. The deeds of being a man in the Xhosa
tribe. Kwakukho umcimbi, iVulamzi, a traditional
ritual where a person had built a house and was
going to be staying in it for the first time. It was
a belief to inviting your Gods and incestors to
guide and protect you in those walls. Such
ceremonies to us were like weddings and
funerals: you tell people about the event and its
date, you don't cancel it no matter what. It was
a Saturday morning and one bloody cold
morning. I was making a phone call to
Aphindiwe, trying her for the forth time now, but
it rang again until it sent me to voicemail. It
frustrated me when she did not answer her, and
it was not because I thought she might be
cheating or something but I had the most brutal
ideas in head. I was a person with many
enemies and so my loved ones were in danger
as well, that's what worried me.
I pushed my hand under my overalls for my
tracksuit pockets looking for my other phone. I
wrote her a text message, asking for a return
call immediately after she'd seen my missed
calls. I was standing against the wall of a house
planning to head back to the house where men
were gathered when I felt a hand on my back. It
didn't take me by surprise to see Siyabulela
standing besides me, I've been noticing how
he's been looking at me since we stepped into
that house<br>
"So yintoni engakusi endlini njengamanye
amadoda? (So what's not letting you into the
house like other men?)"
I raised my brows at him and chuckled. I
ignored him
Siyabulela: Or usacinga ungulaMihle woyikwayo?
(Or you still think you're that Mihle people are
scared of?)
I ignored him again, looking at the neighbour
houses like there were the most interesting
things I've seen
Siyabulela: Jonga ke uzokaka uzokhe uphinde
ubambe owasekhaya (Look you'll shit if you
ever touch my sister again)
He got all my attention. I turned and looked at
him. I wouldn't start telling about how mucb
fear the thought he ignited in me but I definitely
will tell you about the irritation which suddenly
grew in me
Me: Ndizobamba.
He flared his nostrils and straightened his
shoulders
Me: Uzokwenzani? (What will you do?
Siyabulela: Uzonya (You'll shit)
Me: (chuckles)
I nodded and walked away. I was only a few feet
away when something in me triggered, he
wanted to play dirty, I was going to give him
dirty
"Undincamisele yena, I'm sure undikhumbulela
lonto. (Kiss her for me, I'm sure she misses me
for that.)"
I dared him to him throw a punch when I saw
him tighten his fists, he was really angry, angrier
than I've remembered. I headed inside the
house and found myself a seat. This was going
to be a fucken long day.
On the 20th which was the following week on a
Tuesday, I drove to East London to go see my
girlfriend. I left Port Elizabeth at 6 in the
morning. That yesterday she had cried to me on
the phone, terrified that her father was forcing
her to go to Cape Town. I didn't understand the
fuss until she raised not enjoying being there
without her mother, and that now she was
going to have to face half of her family which
knew about us. My concern grew, I knew if she
did not want to go then she didn't have to. Her
other worry was that during our date to Durban
she might still be in the Western Cape.
This girl really knew her father because when I
went to see her in Mthatha two weeks ago, she
mentioned that her reason for not returning
from Johannesburg the previous year was
because her dad would have dragged her to
Cape Town, and he was going to do it again.
She had suggested that I don't drive the whole
way to Mthatha, she'd just hike to East London.
When I arrived at Hemmingways mall she had
already told me was there for about thirty
minutes now, she too left in the morning. I
asked her to pack some stuff in case we
brought up a plan and had her sleep over at my
place. I wrote her on Whatsapp to place an
order at Mugg and Bean for the meantime while
I was looking for a parking.
She was sitting at the table more aside from the
others, as I approached her I noticed how she
was looking far ahead of her. I think she could
feel someone was looking at her because she
instantly turned my direction and smiled when
she saw me. I kept my eyes on her and decided
to stop opposite this Cafe, she was staring
back at me. I pulled out my phone and called
her, you won't believe the look she gave me
when she looked down on her phone and saw
my name on her screen. I chuckled because I
knew she wasn't going to pick up, I mean I was
barely fifteen feet away from her. She rolled her
eyes and answered
"Fhaku."
Me: Come kiss me
Aphindiwe: What?!
I laughed because her what was a little loud, I
heard it both on the phone and in the lingering
air, she tried keeping a straight face but it didn't
work
Aphindiwe: Bazothini abantu? (What are people
going to say?)
Me: Kunomntu ombalekayo? (Is there someone
you're running away from?)
Aphindiwe: Hayi
Me: Then come to me
Aphindiwe: You're wasting airtime yazi
Me: It's worth it.
Aphindiwe: Hayi
Me: Yes
She laughed and covered her face while
dragging herself up from the chair. She left her
handbag and walked up to me. The beauty on
her face as she was blushing is still
indescribable. I only ended the call when she
was a reach away, my hand touching hers. I
leaned forward for a kiss and picked her up
while hugging her
Me: Missed this smell
She giggled placing her forehead on my chest
"Feeling better?"
I questioned as we walked back to the table,
she shook her head while attempting to
intertwine our fingers, she failed with every
attempt because I kept playing with my fingers
until we arrived at the table.
Me: Ordered anything?
Aphindiwe: Ha.a
Me: Why not? I told you to nje
Aphindiwe: Wasn't sure what you'd want so I
told the waitress ndisalinde umntu
I opened the menu book and placed it in front of
me
Me: Utata yakho akakwazi ukushiya? (Can't you
father leave you?)
Aphindiwe: Akasoze. The only reason we didn't
go much when my mother was alive was
because she preferred being umfazi wasez'lalini
than uyasetown. But now she isn't here, my
father will find every reason to
Me: Did you tell him you have a trip nge 29?
"No."
Me: Sizathu? (Reason?)
Aphindiwe: I didn't feel it would work
Me: How many reasons do you have again for
not wanting to go there?
She started counting, I narrowed my eyes when
her counting went to the other hand, she
stopped at seven then looked up at me
Aphindiwe: Nazi. One, I don't enjoy it there. Two,
with umama we only stayed less than a week
and utata understood. Three, now I know it'll be
more than a week. Four, Nomtha
uyandichaphukela
Me: No she doesn't
Aphindiwe: What? She does, I mean it's obvious
akandifuni
Me: It's impossible. She isn't that heartless
Aphindiwe: I might not know the lady like a
sister should know her sister but I know she
hates me.
Me: And I know her, she's just upset.
She laid backwards on the chair and folded her
arms over her chest, I kept a straight face at her.
I surrendered
"Fine. Qhubeka (carry on)"
Aphindiwe: Five, probably the whole family
knows ngoku. Six, ndizofakelwa meeting and
the last I won't get to go to Durban.
Me: Firstly uzoya at Durban, be it next year or
ngoku I'm taking you to Durban so don't worry.
Secondly, akho meeting ezobanjwa apha
She pulled a face at my latter comment, I was
caught up in the middle of wanting to laugh and
keeping a serious face on.
Aphindiwe: Mxm
Me: Dikiwe kengoku? (You're annoyed now?)
Aphindiwe: This is a joke mos kuwe
Me: Not at all baby wam. You don't know how
troubled I was ukuvha ukhala izolo
She kept queit for some time. I used the silence
to call unto a waitress to place our orders. After
we did that she continued
"Do you ever have regrets?"
Me: About us?
Aphindiwe: No. Nje in general
Me: It's a normal thing but I avoid it. Always
look at the bright side of things
She slightly nodded, seeming unsure of what I
just said
Me: You better not be regretting us
She shook her head still not looking at me. I
took the chance extend my arms and hold her
hands
Me: Bhelekazi
Aphindiwe: Mmmh?
She averted her attention to me then our hands,
she squeezed mine in return
Me: Learn how to talk to David, umxelele uba
ezinye izinto awuzithandi and xa ungafuni
uzenza awufun
Aphindiwe: Babe, he'll stp supporting me
financially kaloku. You don't know utata
Me: I'll support you financially ngokwam
Aphindiwe: Mihle
Me: What? That's your biggest worry right?
Aphindiwe: No. Utata will think I don't respect
him
I shook my head, she was misunderstanding it
Me: You won't back chat him, you'll be
addressing him nicely like a parent and
daughter conversation. Umxelele what you like
and don't kwi relationship wenu.
She sighed and closed her eyes. This was
getting to her honestly and I wanted to make
her see through her worries, it wasn't much like
she anticipated it. You'd get ukuthi kokwabo
nobody even mentioned her
Me: Just go home but uxelele utatakho uba nge
28th you've gotta fly out because you're going
somewhere
She placed her head on the table and groaned. I
freed my hands from hers and leaned back on
the chair looking at her. As I was staring at her I
kept on giving things to life or time for allowing
me to meet her when I had overcame the
monster I was, because maybe she too would
have been a victim. I cringed from the thought
of it and my heart felt heavy, like a weight had
been thrown at it.

We sat at that table and feasted while I tried to

mask my face with one that looked less
bothered. I wanted to share with her that
somehow I felt my life was going back to what
it used to be but I refrained from it, she had a lot
to worry about already, I mean the child was
bothered about something she had no control
over. I am not the type of person to watch
movies at the hotel, I just downloaded those but
that day she forced me to the cinema before we
headed to the beach for an hour chill. I drove
her as far as iDutywa, just to make sure she
was safer, before I drove back to Port Elizabeth.
She video called me just as I passed Port Alfred
informing me that she was in town about to
catch a taxi home.
If I had to count at that time the things or
people that made me happy in my life, she
topped the list. And I think people hating her for
me made my love for her even more stronger
because the more I forced to draw away from
the more I wanted to stick around. I've been
having sex with way too many girls and not a
single time when I had sex with someone I
wasn't dating did I wake up feeling the need of
wanting to know them but with her it was just
that way. It wasn't from the moment I woke up
next to her that I knew I was in shit.
Back at home I searched hotels which still had
open rooms, I wasn't shocked when I didn't find
any. If you thought you'd book a room during
December holidays for festive then you would
end up sleeping in your car in South Africa.
People here loved travelling to places where
booze, ass and dicks would be available. The
only place I could find which was available was
a beach house which was up for rentals, C'est
La Vie Beach house, which only accommodated
10 people. It had 5 bedrooms and their en-
suites and was a self-catering service. My only
problem was finding people that could come
with me, I had about three already but I refused
paying that much money for only three people,
excluding myself.
Aphindiwe was not pleased with me taking a
bunch of other people along with but I explained
to her. I did the explaining for two days before
she agreed to it and told me she could drag
along her cousin Asanda, the girl didn't like me
but to make Phindi happy I accepted. On my
side I had Kwanele, his girl, Xolani and his girl,
Zizipho and Abenathi. They charged per night -
R5 400 and in total my bill was R21 600 for four
nights, without foods and booze. Xolani and
Kwanele insisted on helping me pay where they
could so I sat down for them the alcohol budget,
that would do, anything that had to go under the
nose I'd pay for.
Unfortunately my girlfriend flew with her father
to Cape Town on the 23rd without having told
her father she was leaving for Durban on the
29th. I had to pressure her before she did it, but
lied to David saying she was going to
Johannesburg to visit her friends, that's where
she missed the whole point, her father hated
Jo'burg saying she wouldn't return if she went
there. She told me over a phone call that she
had to cry and mention something about her
mother in order to guilt trap her father and it
worked. I recall how she kept on repeating how
guilty she felt but would contradict that by
saying she'd do it over again if it meant another
trip to a place she hadn't seen.

I was expecting her to complain about all the

things she thought would happen in George the
couple of days she was there but she didn't.
Instead she gossiped to me that my precious ex
girlfriend, that's how she had name her before
sharing the news with me, had told their other
female cousins about us and now many of
whom she didn't know weren't even in the
greatest spirits to get to know her. I could
imagine the hell she was going to encounter
had Azola not been around but thanks to her
forgiving self, she was one who stuck with
Phindi during those days. When I transferred
money to Phindi to book a flight for herself
from the Western Cape to Port Elizabeth, I
learned that she was bringing two other people,
Khamila and Luthando. I found it a ridiculous
idea because she was aware we only needed
one more person to make ten. Khamila
threatened me and I could picture her face by
just hearing her voice
"Then we'll sleep outside if that's the case."
Me: In the cars right?
Khamila: You're an ass
Me: Thanks Khamila
She snorted before saying something to Phindi
whom I could hear on the other side
Me: Give her the phone
Khamila: FYI Loot and I are packing our clothes.
Me: Good. Now give Phindi the phone
There was a weird sound on the line as if she
threw it on top of something, I heard Aphindiwe
mutter a swear word before speaking
"Fhaku."
Me: Nizoyenza njani lento yena? (How are you
going to do this thing of y'all?)
Aphindiwe: Hayi baby banayo indawo yolala If
abakwazanga ulala kuthi (No baby they have a
place to sleep if they can't sleepover)
Me: Okay
Aphindiwe: I'll have to go home ndiyothatha
mpahla zam and bath
Me: What time is your flight?
Aphindiwe: At quarter past 5
Me: Alright. Have battery so you can call me
when you land but I'll estimate time nam
Aphindiwe: Okay Fhaku
Me: Sure ke babe.
We were flying out on the 30th so I had to
prepare them a place to sleep and that would
be by sitting my mother down. She was about
to find out that the girl she didn't like for me
would be sleeping in her yard and not alone, but
with her crazy friends. Kwakuzonyiwa.
Entry 178

Aphindiwe

Nothing was as fun as taking a trip to places

you had never visited but what was more fun
was having your boyfriend and friends with you.
We were chilling in the room of the Bnb Mihle
had booked for the night for us trying to draw a
list of the booze we needed. He dropped us off
and told us he'd back in a few, he had to run
somewhere. The Bnb wasn't bad but it was
lower than the standard Mihle would choose,
judging from all the hotels I've been at with him.
It contained two beds -a single and a double- a
smal wooden table, some vases and painting
got decoration. It had a mirror and an en-suite
bathroom which contained a shower, toilet and
a sink.
I threw myself on the single bed and sipped on
the can of Appletiser I was holding. Kim was
emptying her bag, laying out a couple of outfits
Me: Jeans and a lousy top will do?
Kimberley: Are you serious though?
Me: Yes. This is a township, you don't need to
look classy
Kimberley: And I live in a township at Kapstad
as well
I shrugged my shoulders and took another sip
of my tiser. I took the piece paper on the round
table in between the beds, a table which held a
lamp and some old-looking telephone. The
piece of paper had a list of the things Mihle said
we should write, these were things we'd need
for that day and tomorrow. Tons of alcohol and
some snacks, a box of pizza and spur ribs,
some ice cream for Kimberley as well. I emptied
the bottle and placed it on the table before
rolling and laying on my back
"Loot!"
Luthando: Mmmm
Me: Are you okay with this list?
Luthando: Ewe.
She flushed the toilet and stepped out of the
bathroom, running her wet hands down her
thighs as she spoke
Luthando: uMihle uzohamba wedwa to buy
ezizinto? (Will Mihle go alone to buy these
things?)
Me: I have no idea. Kutheni ubuza? (Why ask?)
Luthando: In case there's something we forgot
to write apho siyicinge sele ehambile
Me: I'll make a phone call kaloku.
There was a knock at the door before Lootlove
found herself a seat on the corner of the bed,
she dragged her feet towards the door and
swung it open. My man's figure was standing at
the door looking at her, he said something to
someone outside and I waited for him to walk in
as Loot stepped away from the door. He did
after a few seconds, followed by a man who
was fair in complexion and shorter than him.
Mihle: Khamila
Kimberley: Mxm
Mihle: You too
Kim turned and took him from head to toe
before she twirled 360 degrees to face the man
who was standing behind Mihle
Kimberley: Bhuti molo
"Sure. Ugrand?"
Kimberley: Ya I'm good, yourself?
The guy nodded. I was now kneeling on the bed
holding Mihle's hand whilst looking at my friend
trying to make conversation with that dude who
looked less interested
Kimberley: I'm Kim. This right here is Luthando
She dragged Loot by the arm and pulled her
besides her. She turned to face me and grinned
sheepishly
Kimberley: And that's Phindi. You are?
"I'm Xolani."
She gave this Xolani dude a blank face, okay
something was wrong and she was about to
say it
Kimberley: You seem bored or you don't talk
much?
Xolani: Hayi. Ndicaphukela is'lungi qha (No. I
just hate English)
Kimberley: Oh
She dropped her arms from Luthando's right
arm and placed them on her shoulder. Her face
was twisted with attitude and she raised her
eyebrows for the guy who returned the same
look. I suppressed a laugh while Mihle also
watched in amusement
"Too bad then because I speak English, that
means we won't talk then Xolani."
Xolani: Sure
Kimberley: Miles is he your friend?
Mihle: Ask him
My man was smiling, enjoying every second of
this. I could see how Luthando wanted to laugh
as well
Kimberley: Well for that you're an ass. So is he
She went back to folding the clothes she wasn't
going to wear but had laid out on the bed
anyway. Xolani smiled at her but because she
was looking at her clothes she never caught
that
Mihle: Nifuna uphuma nathi? (Y'all want to go
out with us?)
Me: My gut's telling me not to but bayafuna
Mihle: You gut?
I nodded and he chuckled
Mihle: Ithini? (What's it saying?)
Me: I feel something bad will happen
Mihle: So uthini kengoku babe, awuhambi wena?
(So what are you saying babe, you aren't going?)
My jaw dropped, I couldn't believe he said that.
He was willing to go out with my friends whilst I
wasn't around, like I would allow that. He leaned
in and kissed my forehead before he pulled
back and took the list I was holding, scanning
through it.
Mihle: Who's coming with me for the food
kengoku?
Me: I could
He smiled like he was hoping I would say that.
He encircled his arms around my waist and
took me off the bed to the floor. Thando was
talking to Xolani, introducing herself again if I
wasn't mistaken
Me: Guys I'm going to buy food okay
Kimberley: Everything on the list
Me: I know
Mihle: Relax Khamila, I'll bring you the whole
shop.
Kimberley: You call me that one last time Miles
Mihle: Khamila
She dropped the jeans she were holding on the
bed and looked at Mihle, he stared back at her
before saying
"Khamila."
Me: (laughs) Can we go?
Kimberley: I swear if I had the strength of a man
I would have punched you.
Mihle winked at her before walking with me
hand in hand towards the door. Xolani followed
after us until we arrived to the car and he did
the honour of giving me the front seat. We
drove to a mall and I managed to get everything
that was on the list except for one bottle of
Whiseky
Xolani: Siyangayithola le way kwa Gondwana
mos?
I looked at Mihle to answer his friend since I
had not even the slightest idea what Gondwana
was and how it looked. Mihle nodded typing on
his phone. We continued to the teller and paid
the alcohol before we left spar tops. On our way
back to the Bnb Mihle was busy making phone
calls to a couple of people, I assumed it must
have been his friends. Back at the Bnb he
dropped me off and Luthando helped me
offload the food and the booze we'd need for
the meantime, while getting ready. We took a
shower and helped each other with our hair
before Kimberley required an iron from the
reception. It took about an hour for them to
bring it our room, by then Kim had already
decided on something else to wear.
While waiting we drank and ate, I had a Kim who
was annoying and pestering me about asking
Mihle for weed. To be honest, I kept making
excuses on it because I couldn't tell them he
had prohibited me from smoking it. He could
tolerate my drinking but the smoking part he
told me straight that I would quit and if I didn't
he'd make sure he makes me. I had months not
taking weed. It's not that I felt any different
because I smoked it casually but I somehow
made friends in Cape Town who were stoners,
especially that coloured one.
Kimberley: I'll ask him myself then because
you're being unreasonable now
Me: You stopped being scared him I see
Kimberley: Not even a bit. Your man's still a
monster
Me: He was angry Kim
Kimberley: He almost killed Odwa
Luthando: (chuckles) Aren't you exaggerating
kodwa Kim
Kimberley: Hayi, no Loot. Like who causes a
scar on someone's forehead by just pressing a
gun on it? I mean those are things we see in
movies, where a skull can be cracked by a gun
smash not in reality
Me: Well you saw it now
Kimberley: And you're still with such a man
I raised my eyebrows at her. Was she serious
now?
Me: What?
Kimberley: Don't get me wrong babe you know I
support your happiness 100% but things like
what he did should be a sign. One day it's you
he's going to hit
Me: He wouldn't
I think Luthando noticed how annoyed I was
getting because she held my shoulder and
squeezed it
"Can we concentrate on being happy nah guys?
We going to Durban tomorrow, nam I haven't
been that side so please."
Kimberley: I wasn't fighting
Luthando: Nobody said you were babe
Me: I hate what you just said
Kimberley: But I mean...
Me: And I did say we should stop discussing my
man. The guy's not perfect but at least he's
trying
Kimberley: Jammer
Me: Mxm uyandidika yazi (Mxm you bore me
you know
Kimberley: Haibo Phindi
I stood up and headed for the door. I don't know
what was getting to me more, the fact that she
made me feel bad about loving someone who
was a danger to others or how much I feared
what she said might be true. I was growing a
lump all of a sudden and the more I walked
away from that room the more it grew. I
stepped outside and let out a long sigh when
the wind made contact with my face, I grew
goosebumps because the silk blouse I was
wearing wasn't warm. It was than thirty
seconds standing there when I heard Kim call
my name, I rolled my eyes and looked ahead of
me
Kimberley: Phindi babe asseblief man. Kyk hier,
ek's baie wammer. I actually didn't think you
were going to take offense
Me: You never think I'm ever going to take
offense on anything wena Kim
Kimberley: I'm just looking out for you
Me: By saying that I'm dating an abusive man?
Kimberley: You're putting words in my mouth
Me: That's exactly what you meant. I mean what
could "he's going to do that to me" mean? What
could it possibly mean?
She sighed and looked at the door to check if
anyone was coming. Maybe I was shouting but I
couldn't hear myself, that's how worked up I
was
Kimberley: Okay I'm sorry for saying. For
making it sound like that but that isn't what I
meant. Djy weet ek is maa' worried that's all. Ek
verstaan hoe lief djy is vir Mihle and I'm sorry
okay.
Me: People got flaws and he's one of them. I
don't expect you to come out here pointing
fingers at him like you perfect
Kimberley: Sorry geez. Can you just stop being
angry already? I'm sorry.
She forced me in a hug and shook me when she
noticed I wasn't going to return it. She kept
placing kisses on my neck and cheek. I pushed
her away
Me: You're about to kiss me so move
Kimberley: I'm not gay
Me: I wouldn't trust you from the way you check
my ass
Kimberley: It's beautiful
I tried pushing her away but she held tight on
me, I went from pushing her to trying to remove
her hands from around my waist.
"Kim suka!"
She leaned in laughing as she pretended to be
looking for my lips. She only stopped doing that
when Mihle's G-Wagon pulled in the driveway,
she however didn't drop her hands from my
waist. Mihle stepped out of his car and his eyes
landed on my waist
Mihle: And then?
Kimberley: Waat?
Mihle: Why you holding my woman like that?
Kimberley: Because she's my friend and I can
hold her however I like
Me: Uyandifuna babe (She wants me babe)
I wasn't going to laugh but the way Mihle
stopped closing the door and gave Kim the
most ridiculous look made me crack into fits of
laughter. He had a funny face on, one like he
believed me
Mihle: Step away from my lady
Kimberley: Jeez I'm not gay
Mihle: Khamila I don't care. Girls hit on each
other straight or not. Move.
There were two other men behind him,
approaching us with four other girls, amongst
the girls I saw a familiar face, my sister in-law.
There was a car parked behind Mihle's, a white
Amarok.
"Girl."
Me: Hello
She pulled me in a hug, the first she ever gave
me, I was beginning to think she was drunk
because she was a never this affectionate with
me
Zizipho: You good? Tshini ingona ndivha ngoku
uba ulapha (It's only now I'm hearing you're here)
I looked at Mihle and he was somehow smiling
at us, satisfied that we were getting along this
much I guess
Me: He didn't say
Zizipho: Ha.a. Utyebe notyeba (You're even fat)
Me: I am?
Mihle chuckled and pulled me in him, he
lowered his head and whispered
"She means the ass mntuwam."
He simultaneously squeezed my ass as he said
that, punched him soft in the tummy and laid
my head on his chest. His hands was low on my
waist brushing circles around the most
sensitive part. I felt myself get a little excited
from just that feeling but I had to contain
myself, we had people around.
Me: I need to check uAsanda uba how far is she
Mihle: Usendleleni? (Is She on the way?)
He checked his watch prior to cursing
Mihle: Ngelixesha? (At this time?)
Me: Uhiker umntu amaziyo (She asked for a
hike from someone she knows.)
Mihle: Call her
I nodded as I separated myself from him. My
phone was in the room where Luthando was
still waiting for us, she was laying on the bed
chatting on a phone call when I entered. She
removed her phone from the ear and covered
the speaker
"Bakhona? (Are they here?)"
Me: Yep
She continued back to the phone call whilst I
made my own phone call. My cousin never
disappointed me, with the second ring and she
picked up sounding like she was already drunk
Me: Sasa?
Asanda: Yima andikuvha. Bongani khathome
lomculo please!
I had to move my phone from my ear every
second until she stopped shouting and the
music was low
Me: Uphi?
Asanda: Endleleni bitch. Damn kukude apho (on
the way bitch. Damn it's far there)
Me: How far are you?
Asanda: Bongani siphi? (Bongani where are
you?)
I couldn't hear her guy friend properly but she
answered me
"16km outside Port Alfred."
Me: Okay.
I didn't know how far that was but I knew
anything after East London meant half way.
Me: Utsho xa ufikile sizokulanda noMihle (Do
say when you're here so Mihle and I can fetch
you)
Asanda: Hayi Bongani uzondizisa evha (No
Bongani will bring you)
She was at it again. I knew she only did this
when she didn't want to be around for too long.
She could have told me she did not want to
come along, I knew she hated Mihle but not
sticking to the plan was only going to annoy
Mihle
Asanda: Uyevha Phindi? (You heard Phindi?)
Me: Ewe whatever
I hung up before she could answer. A lot
seemed to be working on me about this trip
right even before the trip had began.

We had our night out at Gondwana Cafe, a fun

night club, well it was fun because people from
eBhayi made it fun. From the way they spoke to
just how wild these bunch of people were, they
were a different type in the whole of Eastern
Cape. I know people think people from Cape
Town are your typical mixture of black and
coloured but wait until you go to Port Elizabeth,
damn people from this place were the shit. I
kept on looking around, turning my head 180%
every now and then. People in this part of the
province seemed like they were taking drugs, all
of them but the beautiful part was just how
beautiful they were, how they didn't care about
any eyes. That on its own was an inspiration.
My hand was in Mihle's as we sat around a
table, drinking, chatting and dancing on the
chairs to the music. It was just a second from
when he'd placed a kiss at the corner of my lips
asking if I was okay.
I was about to turn to Luthando and hear out
what it was she was saying when he tightened
his grip on my hand. At first I thought I could
handle the pain but it felt like he was about to
break my hand so I snapped my hand in his
direction and touched his arm with my other
hand. He seemed to be looking straight ahead
of him, like he was somewhat blacked out and
couldn't feel he was doing this to me. I hissed
and smacked his hand
"Mihle."
I whispered but he still didn't budge. My hand
was at the edge of breaking so I had to should
Me: Mihle you're hurting me
He looked at me finally before blinking a couple
of times, that's when he took in my face and
withdrew his hand like I was some lightening
that just stroke him.
Me: What's wrong?
Xolani: Miles ugrand ntwana?
He looked at my hand then at me
"Are you okay?"
When I was supposed to be worried about my
hand, I was worried about him to be honest. He
wasn't okay I knew my man and he was not
okay
Me: Are you okay?
He looked at the direction where he was staring
first before he nodded
Me: Can we go talk? Ndiyakucela
Kwanele: Mntakwethu uright? (My brother are
you okay?)
Me: Mihle
His look told me he was agitated but He got up
and I followed him outside. We weren't walking
besides each other like we often do, I was
taking huge steps behind him because he was
pacing. When we got outside he couldn't stand
on one place, he kept tapping his feet and
checking the entrance every split second
Me: Are you okay?
Mihle: I am
Me: Uyaxoka (You're lying)
He stopped for a second and looked at me, he
seemed annoyed, angry and impatient. Not long
ago this guy was alright, what the fuck was
wrong with him now?
Mihle: Something disturbed me
Me: What was that?
Mihle: Can we not Aphindiwe
My mouth gapped, I was shocked that he was
shutting me out. I mean this was the same man
who was suffering emotionally yet tried acting
strong, the same baby who appeared in my
dreams. He was my boyfriend for crying out
loud but there he was shutting me out when I
was most concerned. I surrendered
Me: Fine. Suit yourself
I walked back in, mad and really mad, I felt he
had no right to do that. He was smiling not long
ago then the next he was about to break my
arm. I knew for a fact that he wasn't bipolar so
something was really wrong. After a few
seconds he stepped inside and took a seat next
to me, when he did I was not the only one who
looked up at him, his sister and friends seemed
to know and understand what was going on.
Kimberley touched my shoulder and I faked a
smile when I looked her way
Kimberley: You okay?
All I could was lie so I nodded. He downed his
beer and opened another one. Kwanele kept
whispering stuff to him, begging him not to. I
remember well how he kept saying "myeke
mntakwethu lomntana, ndiyakucela chap", I
wanted to know whom they were talking about.
He only sat stiff on his chair and looked at that
same spot he was looking at before, I kept
searching the room and looking around to see if
there was any person looking back at him but
dololo. He was half way through with his Castle
Lite when he pushed his chair away from the
table and stood up holding my hand
Mihle: Let's go
Me: Where to
Zizipho: Niyaphi? (Where are y'all going?
Mihle: Sizobuya (We'll be back)
He whispered something to Kwanele before him
and I walked out to his car. He wasn't saying a
word and so I took the decision to keep to
myself as well, all we did was make way to his
car and drive in silence until he sighed. I
glanced his way thinking he was going to talk
but instead he sighed again cursing.
Me: Where are you taking me?
Mihle: A place where we can be together
Me: You have serious problems. You need to fix
your shit
Mihle: Your language Aphindiwe
Me: And thats all you care about? I asked where
you taking me?
Mihle: We need some air
Me: You mean you need air
He looked at me as he stopped at a stop
signsign. He stopped longer than he should
have and I took the chance to look at the time,
01:13am displayed on the screen of his vehicle.
Me: How are we even going to Durban xa
unento ezifunny kanje Mihle?
He kept quiet
Me: Could you answer me please.
He still shut his mouth, I was getting angry by
second because this isn't what I flew from
home for
Me: Can you take me back iclubini?
He furrowed his eyebrows as he looked at me,
slowing down the car at a yellow line. He turned
off the engine and faced me
Mihle: Ndicela undilinde sifike kulendawo siya
kuyo then we'll talk
Me: Nalapha kuright, we could talk right here.
He let out a frustrated sigh but gave in as he
unbuckled his seatbelt. I copied his action and
waited on him to talk
Mihle: About what happened back at the club,
I'm sorry.
I crossed my arms over my chest and looked
outside the window I guess that was when he
noticed it was his cue to talk
Mihle: I'm really sorry
Me: Could you learn to talk to me please. Mihle
your family doesn't love me anymore and it
would make things worse if you'd die from
stress under my care, I'm your girlfriend for
crying out loud. Thetha nam
He sighed and blew out a few breaths
Me: And don't leave anything out.
"Remember when I told you I was once involved
with a girl who aborted my child. I know I never
went deep into details but ukhona and her
presence (silence)."
I fixed my position of sitting and gave me him a
nod so he'd continue
Mihle: I'm not the man you think I am Mambhele.
Her presence reminded me of the real person I
am, the murder I probably was destined to be.
Me: You can't say that
He looked at me for a long while without
blinking, his eyes were becomin glossy from the
tears forming in them. He blinked them away
and gritted his teeth
Mihle: Yazi Nhanha when you take drugs you
don't become the same person, even after
you've stopped. I remember when I used glue
and tik as well as coke imorals zam in life were
different, I had to take those in order to switch
off my self-conscious, my emotions and I took
them every time when I was about to commit a
crime because I knew it was likely to get
someone killed during the process. That's what
I used them for but my system yaziqhela I
ended up taking them to live. (Silence) It's funny
how when I'd go see uLelovuyo ndandisiya
ndihigh oko, oko and it was okay okay, I mean
she was okay with it, I was okay with it until
ndambetha. She hid from me, lied to me so I
couldn't see her and I failed to under ngoba
kwakutheni. Kum ndandifuna sihlale
ngalandlela, aberight xa ndimbona abe excited
like she used to be. Never did it occur to me
tgat she was running away because I was
hitting her to me it felt okay. I fed on her
pleading, I fed on her cries and begging,
ndandifuna ahlale endicenga because to me
that made me feel powerful, like I was
supposed to be begged and feared that way. It
was all fun until that day (silence)...
As scared as I was, my heartbeat being the only
sound that one could hear in that car I took the
time to study his image - he was shaking. Lips
and hands were shaking, his chest was raising
up and down in a more greater speed
"Uyabona that day when she cried it felt
different, when she begged me I didn't feed on it
instead it scared me. I wanted to stop but the
drive of her asking me to stop like I were the
wrong one made me more angry, it caused me
to kick her, stamp on her over and over again
until she stopped breathing.
I shifted on my seat but stopped when he
looked at me, I did not want it to seem like I
wanted to be far away from him because I didn't
Mihle: When she woke up in a coma
Me: Coma?
The whisper was loud enough for him to hear
me. He nodded his eyes not leaving my face, I
wanted to gasped but I couldn't so I held it in
Mihle: I was told not to see her. Well I had hit
her when she was at her worst, not aware that
she already was experiencing body problems
from the cheap street abortion she did, I did
what I did to her. Her family took her away after
I escaped from jail and I never saw her again for
six years. She's back
Me: And she's the one you saw at the club
Mihle: I want to talk to her. Ndifuna ucela uxolo
Me: And does she feel the same?
His facial expression gave it away, he didn't
have to say it
Mihle: She thinks I'm out to hit her again
Me: Why don't you try another way of talking to
her? Maybe she doesn't want to be close to you
but wants you to pass the message through
and they're many other ways. You could write
her, call her
He opened his mouth to talk but I stopped him
Me: You need to understand that not everything
will go as you wish. She clearly doesn't want to
talk to you and you should respect that, forcing
yourself kuye will only make her even more
scared of you. You keep pushing and she's used
to that Mihle kakade so uzokoyika. And you're
lucky she hasn't charged you for harrasement
Mihle: I just want to apologize to her. Andizoba
right untiluntil kusuke lento
Me: Are you pushing because you want to
apologize or because you want her to obide by
your rules like she used to?
He kept quiet. It was clear why he was so
persistence
Me: You're doing it for the wrong reasons. You
can be a better Mihle
Mihle: Or maybe not. I'm trying to fight a
murderer over and over again, maybe I was
destined to be that. I went from killing people
myself to organizing killings. I run a damn
human trafficking firm, where people day on a
weekly basis. What does that make me?
I shook my head unable to answer him
"Ikum lento yobulala."
Me: No! You installed it yourself now it's time
you uninstall it. You're not a killer! And never will
be. Yikhuphe lonto kuwe.
He chewed on his lips. We kept quiet for a very
long time before I touched his arm, he tensed,
he was fucken tense
Me: Fhaku
He looked at me, the unsurety and hurt in his
eyes didn't sit well with me
"You're not a killer"
When he closed his eyes I felt the need to kiss
him so I leaned in and placed a wet kiss on his
lips, he let out a pleasure yet frustrated moan
Me: Do start by writing her, or calling her. In
whatever you're going to do, do not ask to see
her ndiyakucela.
He nodded with his eyes still closed, I cupped
his face my hands and watched him carefully.
He finally opened them and forced a smile. He
mouthed
"I love you."
Me: I know
Mihle: I do Mambhele and I don't ever, ever want
to lay a hand on you. We know each other but
like we should, we haven't even been together
for a year yet I've fucken scared you three times
already. I've shown you three times already that
I don't deseve you staying here with me but
you're here
Me: And as long as you keep showing me you
want me here I'll be here
He smiled, a real smile this time
Mihle: So usafuna uya eDurban even after this?
Me: Even after you rejecting me sex ndingafuna
ukuya
He laughed, shaking his head. His happiness
was contagious because I sat there and smiled
at him gazing at his dimple instead
Mihle: Ndi suspicious uba eyonanto oyihleleleyo
nam is my sex game
I shook my head preventing myself from
blusbing which I was failing dismally. He licked
his lips and gave me that look he always did
when he was about to get naughty
Mihle: You want it here?
Me: Phi?
Mihle: In this car
He leaned in and fiddled with my chair, he
pushed it backwards creating more space
between the dashboard and myself. He bit my
earlop and whispered<br>
&quot;Imma start by sticking my tongue up your
ass kuqala.&quot;<br>
Me: Mihle
He chuckled against my lips and ran his tongue
on them<
"You'll love it."
He kissed me. His hand was on my thigh so I
leaned back hoping he'd bring it up, my clit was
screaming to be touched already. Because of
this man's dirty talks and language I sometimes
didn't know myself as well.
Entry 178

Lelovuyo
My December was not the same for many
reasons that year; I had not been around for six
years, that was one and the other was because I
spent most the time hiding behind the fences of
my home. I barely set foot outside the yard, with
or without my mother around, I trusted nobody,
not a single person from that town of ill-minded
people. I still stayed up all night wondering why
they couldn't help me, why they didn't, they saw
me cry and scream when he had held me but
none of them, not even the elders actually
bothered stopping him. It was obvious from my
actions that I was terrfied of the man, it was
obvious nakumuncwane bethuna kodwa abantu
baseBhayi stood rooted and watched the drama
unfold. None of them were a help to me so I
had no reason to be outside the yard and risk
being in contact with him.
There were at least a couple of times where I
saw him, that day I'd be standing at the gate or
looking outside the window. I won't lie apha
kuwe and say when I saw his vehicle passby I
did not look, I did, in fact it was more like a full
time job. I would stand at the window and peep
through the curtains until it was out of sight. A
part of me still didn't feel safe even when I was
behind the walls and he wasn't aware I was
looking but the fact that I knew he had a mind
of its own reminded me that he could stop
anytime and steo out of that Benz into my yard.
My brother always asked me if I still wanted to
leave home and return to Pietermaritzburg, and
every time I gave him the response "yes""a fight
would break between us. He called me a
coward and a doubter because he took offense
when I told him I couldn't trust anybody against
Mihle, not even himself and mother. I wasn't
lying, rto me it felt like none of them could
defeat him. He spent two years beating me up,
even though I was naive enough to believe he'd
stop they had all signs to see that I was being
abused but they did not even ask. All my mother
ever did was to yell about my late coming, shout
that she wouldn't be shocked even if I'd fall
pregnant because I was sleeping with older
men but now she felt like she could stop him
from doing what he wants. Never, that man is a
living monster, I doubted he even had a heart or
feelings.
On the 27th of that hot December day, I was
standing at the gate sucking on an ice-pop
when his beautiful vehicle appeared on the
street. My heart started hammering against my
chest and my hands suddenly sweated, I was
immediately covered in goosebumps. I don't
know why I never moved from the car but
something seemed to be keeping there. as
though daring me to face my fear. His route in
and out of the township always passed by my
house so I was aware he was going to drive by
soon. I was aware of the changes that suddenly
took place, how I felt like other houses around
weren't even in existence, how I felt like I was
about to have a heart attack for some reason
and also my breathing wasn't proper - I couldn't
whether I was breathing too fast or too slow.
His car came to a halt just two yards away from
my home, at a spaza shop. It was close enough
for me to even tell the colour of the t-shirt he
was wearing by just looking at the windscreen. I
did not move, not an inch, unless you count my
abnormal breathing as a movement. I
acknowldged that he had not seen me when he
stepped out of his car and looked the other way,
he was grinning from something he had heard
on the phone call he was currently busy with.
He had company, his cousin Kwanele and a lady
who followed Kwanele into the shop leaving
him outside. It was when he ended the call and
closed the door when his eyes landed on me, he
stopped everything and stared at me. Okay
jonga I could've ran but I did not, I just watched
him back. He moved about two or three times
away from his car and tucked his hands in his
pocket, from that distance I could tell he
wanted to speak but had no chance. He pulled
his hands out of his pockets and locked his car
while he was standing where he had been for
the past seconds. He took another two steps
but stopped and he turned as fast as I had ever
seen body do, heading towards his car. It onlu
occured to me what he was doing when he
unlocked his car and climbed inside, without a
single thought again I turned on my heel facing
towards the door. Asian Bolt didn't have
competition on me at that moment, my sprint
was that of a world record especially when I
heard the screeching sound of the wheels.

I never went out until New Year's eve when

more than three people confirmed to me that he
was no longer in town. There were stories that
he had opened early at work than usual but him
not being in sight for morethan two days made
me believe that he was gone. I went back to
having a normal for at least wo days. By normal
I meant drinking and drinking a lot, that's all I
did for fun, dating was a big no for me. I trusted
no man in my life, and because I wasn't
attracted to girls I remained single and you
could say I only received the pleasure from
masturbating. To me being single for that did
not feel weird, it wasn't even strange at all. It
was a matter of living.

Mihle

On the 30th in the noon we made way to the

apartment to await our flight which departured
at 12:35pm. Aphindiwe was a little because she
was the olny person who had gone to Durban
and actually we were going to drive there so she
could see all ither places, it was impossible,
there was no way we'd drive 11 hours, we would
die out before we even reach out destination.
She had her arms crossed over her chest
scowling
Me: Baby jonga kaloku
She moved when I touched her shoulder so I
had no other choice but to plant a kiss on it. It
was exposed from the loose strip tank top she
was wearing
Me: Mambhele wam
Kwanele: Hayi Phindi uqumba kangaka
Aphindiwe: Khange nitsho uba kuhanjwa nge
flight, mna all this time I'm thinking ndizobona
zonke ezindawo including Margate (Ya'll didn't
say we where flying, I'm out here thinking I'll see
all places including Margate)
Me: We'll see Margate together kaloku Nhanha.
She side-eyed me. I pulled her in a hug and
whispered in her ear
""Jonga uyabona le yase Margate itrip, it'll
suitable for just the two of us because I'm
giving you my first child there."
Aphindiwe: Mxm
Me: Khancume kaloku Bhelekazi wam, mariri
wam, caramel yam. Thambo'lam lekhentakhi.
Khawenze kaloku baby, khancume mntu wam.
She fought wiping the smile off her face but
failed, instead she buried her face in my chest
Me: Ngxesi ke baby evha. Nyani I'll take you to
Margate
Kimberley: This bitch still mad?
She asked as they approached us. They had
gone to buy some biltong and pass at the ladies
room, leaving us alone to beg my girlfriend here
Kwanele: Nope she's good now
Kimberley: Ncooo babe. I have a feeling you
were going to demand a stop and stroll at
Margate though
Aphindiwe: Heard the place is beautiful
Me: I should take you to Port Alfred, that's real
beauty.
We all gathered at gate B4 before heading
through the passage to the aeroplane and
embraced ourselves for the hour and 15
minutes flight.

When landed perfectly at 13:55 but were

delayed by the airport company which we had
hired cars from. Apparently they had not fully
approved my booking with regards to beung
unnsure on how the payment was going to be
settled. I had to example that I had spoken to a
consultant who's name I forgot and reported
that I was paying it in cash but still the white
woman behind the counter kept on telling to be
patient it wasn't their fault I wasn't specific. Yes
I lost my temper, yelled her and almost asked
for thee manager until my dearest girlfriend
pulled me asdie and had my cousin handle it.
We were only the cars after 40 minutes sitting
on those steel chairs and waiting.
Aphindiwe: That was unnecessary kodwa Fhaku
Me: And which was?
Aphindiwe: Haibo uphoxa nam ngoku?
Me: Not at all qha I want to know what dId I do
which wasn't necessary
Aphindiwe: Yeka (nevermind)
Me: Habio qubmile ngoku (Oh are you mad
now?)
Aphindiwe: Hayi yeka qha
Me: (chuckles) khaze ndiphuze (come let me
kiss you)
We decided it would be best if we went to the
beach house first before getting all the stuff we
knew we needed. The keys were handed to us
after signing a contract agreeing to the terms
and conditons of the place, the essential were
explained to us because they knew we weren't
going to read through that whole list. I, the
applicant and teo witnesses inked our
signatures on the black and white sheets before
being allowed access into the house.
The place looked even better when you were
inside then it did on the internet. The girls
started running around choosing rooms before I
heard a couple of screams and ahhhs from
some ladies about sleeping on the bunker beds.
Aphindiwe and myself were sleeping in the
main bedroom, how the other couples would
sleep was up to them, I had my space. She
placed her bags on the floor and walked around
the room before she opened the blinds which
revealed a large window to the outside
"Wow"
Me: Asihambi mos mna nawe, sizoshiyeka apha
(We aren't leaving right, we'll remain here)
She turned and looked at me, biting her bottom
lip, I licked mine
Me: Undivimbile izolo (You didn't want to give
me some yesterday)
Aphindiwe: Oh so this is what the staying
behind is about?
I nodded looking at her appetising legs through
the leggings she was wearing. I didn't have to
ask her, she just walked towards me her eyes
on my face. She stopped in front of me with her
hands on my belt
Aphindiwe: Uyayifuna? (You want it?)
Me: Yeah
Aphindiwe: Yonke? (All of it?)
Me: Yonke baby
She liftedher height by standing on her tippy
toes and gently grabbing my bottom lip with her
teeth, she turned and pressed her ass against
my manhood
Aphindiwe: I would've been giving it to you qha
andizokwazi uzibamba (but I won't be able to
control myself)
She moved away from with her back facing me,
my eyes dropped to her ass and I swallowed. It
was unhealthy having a girlfriend yet spend
close to two weeks without touching her, it was
a law not allowed
Me: I don't give a fuck about them
She giggled causing me to chuckle. It was just
through thought only and I was already hard
from it. Nothing could compare to the lust you
had for a person you truly loved, no
imaginations of other girls invaded my space,
my mind and soul were concentrated on her. I
sat on the bed and pulled her close, I didn't want
her in between my legs or ontop of me, no, I
want myself ontop and inside of her. I lifted her
tank top and planted a wet kiss on her tummy,
she closed her eyes, digging her fingers in my
hair. I drew circles and rounded her belly button
with the tip of my tongue, she dropped my head
even lower makking my eyes come in contact
with her vaginal area. I ran my thumb through
her tights creating a camel toe
""Baby"
Me: Mhuh?
Aphindiwe: There's a knock at the door
I looked up at her, hoping she'd change her
statement
Aphindiwe: kukho umntu emnyango (There's
someone at the door)
I brought her closer, finding her clit throught her
tights, she lifted her right leg and placed it on
the bed behind me, she leaned in pressing my
head between her private part and the bed
mattress. I gave her a soft bite and she moved
it away only to push my face in deeper. I softly
pushed her back unable to move from the trap
she kept in
Me: Masihoye umntu osemnyango kuqala (Let's
pay attention to the person at the door first)
She closed her thighs as she bit her lips looking
at me, I stood up from where I was kneeling and
fixed her leggings for her, they traced her vagina
for anybody to notice. When the material was
away from her skin she walked towards the
door and opneed. I was laying on the bed
allowing my body to ease my throbbing penis
Aphindiwe: Ndiyebuya baby evha (I'm coming
back baby okay)
I gave her thumbs up and was left alone in that
room for the next four minutes. She walked
back inside smiling
Me: Yintoni? (What is it?) subsequently looking
the door
Aphindiwe: We are left alone
I sat up removing my shoes while watching her.
She took of her top and leggings, then her
bikinis followed. It always felt like the first time
seeing her naked whenever she stripped for me
Aphindiwe: I want to show you something
She dragged the chair from where it was placed
and positioned it at the bottom of the bed, I
took it that seat was for me so I sat down and
watched her. She sat at the edge of the bed and
looked at me
"You must not break the rules okay"
Me: What are the rules?
Aphindiwe: Don't touch me unless I ask you to
I nodded, smiling at this idea. She caught me by
surprise when laid back and opened her legs,
she sucked on her two fingers and ran them
down her private lips
Me: Phindi
"Shhhhh. Just watch what I do when I think of
you."
I shifted on my seat and swallowed hard when
her fingers penetrated in her. She slowly dug
them deeper, her waisst leaving the bed as she
lifted it in the air. I undid my zips and wanted to
drop my pants but a part of me still wanted to
watch this. She finished me off when she pulled
out those two fingers and run them down her
anus, she turned and laid on the side,
positioning herself comfortably. Slowly, gently
she pushed in her index in her ass and the soft
moan that left her lips was the reason I stood
up from that chair and found myself ontop of
her, my lips against hers while my index finger
was in her private part.
Entry 179

Mihle

As I was lying on that bed watching her I

thought back to the moment she sat on top of
me and whispered "I love you" while riding me
the way she did. It was every day when I laid her
on bed that I realized she was more of a freak
than I thought. She was standing in front of the
mirror, naked, her hands brushing her weave. I
had my hands behind my head while I laid there
naked and still wet from sweat
Me: Are you still on contraceptives?
Aphindiwe: Ewe why?
Me: Ndiyabuuza nje qha (I'm just asking)
She turned and leaned against the wall next to
the mirror and half-smiled at me
"Uneworry that I might fall pregnant?"
Me: Hayi ndicingelana nawe apha (No I'm more
concerned about you here)
Aphindiwe: What about me? Who said andifuni
umitha (who said I don't want to get pregnant?)
Me: It was you
She pulled a face, one that made it obvious she
did not believe what I just said
Me: I'm not going to reference it, you know you
said it
She faced the mirror against and gave me a
chance to admire her. She was perfect for me,
in everything. From her body size, how perfectly
she fitted in me, her hands on mine, to her
personality. She had a strong personality in a
sense that even as emotional weak as she was,
she managed to take me over, in certain
circumstances and that's what kept me with her.
Most of the females I been with always agreed
to everything I said but she sometimes could
say no and stick to it, that was a turn on for me.
The confidence she oozed made me want to
test her even more just to see how far she
would handle me, I had many reasons I wanted
to have her around despite her tight pussy and
good sex. You might think Nomthandazo was
strong as well, or even stronger, but you would
be shocked. She only won a fight through a
fight; if there was shit I did and she found out,
she got over her madness through blackmail or
being equal. She was not the type to sit me
down and talk, to her it was an eye for an eye
and that turned our relationship into a toxic one
as happy as we seemed. I don't blame her
because 80% it was my dirty laundry which had
us fighting.
Me: Khawuz' apha (Come here)
She stared at me on the mirror and shrugged
her shoulders; I patted the open space besides
me. She was picking up weight but her
hourglass body still remained, it was only the
flat stomach which was picking up some fat
and she knew it because I saw her holding it
still looking at herself in the mirror
Me: Ufuna umntu apho? (You want a person
inside there?)
Aphindiwe: No! Ngoku sisikhulu already (It's big
already)
Me: No it's just not flat
Aphindiwe: Xa singekho flat sitheni? (If it isn't
flat then what is it?)
Me: Not flat
She stood beside the bed and chuckled at my
lame response. I held her hand and pulled her
towards me, she found a comfortable position
on top of me. I watched her, I think she started
feeling uncomfortable with my eyes scanning
her body because she brought her hands up to
cover her boobs
Me: Ha.a
Aphindiwe: But wena kutheni undijonge kanje?
Undenza uncomfortable (But why are looking at
me like that? You're making me feel
uncomfortable)
Me: You have no reason to be.
She refrianed removing her hands which were
cupping her boobs so I stopped fighting her
"Üphi umkhanga wakho? (Where's your
birthmark?)"
She pointed a part on her neck, I found myself
chuckling because I was always kissing or
brushing her neck not to notice the birthmark
Aphindiwe: Ubungawazi? (You didn't know it)
Me: No
I shook my head, my eyes dropped to her belly
button then below that. She leaned in and
covered my eyes
Aphindiwe: The way you look at me is what's
making me do things I did not know I can do
Me: Isn't that a good thing?
She shook her head blushing. I brought my
hands up her waist and grabbed her, she leaned
forward and placed her forehead on mine
"I want to see you do those things."
Aphindiwe: Nyani?
Me: Ewe
I found her lips and she returned the kiss just as
passionate. It was a matter of a minute and she
was moving her waist on me, wanting to rub on
my manhood. I laid her besides me avoiding
taking her then, I was in the mood of teasing
her first. My hand found its way on her thighs
rubbing her inner thigh. Her lips remained on
mine as I fixed my position of lying on the side,
she threw one of her legs on my waist and gave
me the access I was about to ask for. I found
her clit first and her hand immediately grabbed
my arm, I placed a kiss on her neck then one on
her shoulder, I was approaching her breast
about to get her nipple when a knock
interrupted us. I turned her around so her back
would face me, she moved close enough to
have her butt touching my manhood. Her leg
still remained on me but a little lower, I deeply
pushed in two fingers in her castle and she bit
on my thumb which was brushing her lower lips.
My intention was to have her moan so the
person at the door would stop but my baby held
it back. With push of my fingers inside her the
more she pushed out her ass on me. The
knocking stopped but persisted a few seconds
later
Me: Fuck.
Aphindiwe: Sumhoya (Don't pay attention to
them)
I penetrated further using my thumb and she
went insane, turning to lay on her tummy, her
waist raised and she pushed out her ass whilst
her face was buried on the pillow.
Aphindiwe: Mhhhhhhh
I pulled out my thumb and lower my head to her
butt cheeks, I placed a kiss on one them before
lowly shouting
"Ufuna ntoni? (What do you want?)"
"Nevermind!" was the response I received and it
was coming from my dearest sister. Aphindiwe
was still composing herself from almost
coming, her thighs and waist wouldn't stop
shaking. She was biting hard on her lip with her
eyes closed
Me: Nhanha?
She shook her head when she felt my hand find
her pussy again but I could tell she wanted it all
because by just running my thumb between her
wet lips her toes curled
Me:Let's take a shower sizohamba
Aphindiwe: Where to?
Me: Probably around, the others are back
Aphindiwe: Ndicela sihlale kancinci (Can we
stay a little longer?)
Me: Funa another round?
She nodded, closing her eyes from
embarrassment
Me: Well we had one kakade, so let's get on our
second one.
After taking a shower I waited for her to pick an
outfit and get dressed, she had to change three
times because the things she picked out were
either too revealing or I didn't like them for
being around crowds, maybe if it would be the
two of us. She finally settled for a long, maroon
seude dress which fitted her perfectly but had
me doubt it simply because she didn't want to
wear a bra with it. Yes she looked sexy but her
nipples were visible through that material. I
gave up when she took it off and threw it on the
bed saying she was going nowhere because I've
been undressing her for over thirty minutes now.
I allowed her to wear the dress and tried hard
not paying attention to her chest even though it
was a hard thing to do, and what I did know was
it would be the first thing every man would look
at.
Me: Awuseli mos? (You not drinking right?)
She stopped tying her sandals and looked at me,
I could tell she wanted me to rephrase and so I
did
Me: You not drinking today
Aphindiwe: Uyabuza? (Are you asking?)
Me: No ndiyakuxelela (No I'm telling you)
Aphindiwe: No, ndizosela (I'll drink)
Me: Ngoba
Aphindiwe: because I want to drink
Me: Not tonight kodwa
Aphindiwe: Ha.a Mihle
Me: Yintoni?
Aphindiwe: How can you just do that?!
Me: It won't kill you
Aphindiwe: Then why did you bring me here?
Me: To have fun
"Yet you're telling me not to drink?"
Me: Your fun isn't in a bottle Aphindiwe.
She forcefully crossed her arms over her chest
and scowled. I stood from the bed and went
over to her, she was leaning against the wall, I
was about to touch her when she shook my
hands off before I even touched her
Me: Awuzifa (You won’t die)
Aphindiwe: You can’t fly me all the way from
Cape Town to stop me from drinking while we
in Durban. You could’ve left me behind xa
kunjalo kaloku. Ndizosela.
Me: Fine uzosele, uyevha?
She literally looked at me from head to toe as I
stepped away from her, I headed for the door
and left her alone in there. It was only a matter
of time and she would quit, for good, whether
she liked it or not. She had to understand that I
was doing this for her, It was for own good. I
walked out slamming the door the door behind
me. I was far from being angry but rather
irritated by her for thinking and believing she
depended on alcohol to have fun. I drank I know
but never a single moment was I beyond tipsy,
and she, the very first time I was called to help
get her to hospital she was beaten up, drank
and high. I walked outside through the lounge
sliding door to make a phone to Nomthandazo
who wouldn’t stop sending me texts to call
Nomthandazo: Finally, uphi nah lento caba
awuzozihoya iphone calls nemessages zam?
(Finslly, where are you now that you won’t
answer my phone calls and messages?)
Me: A phone call
Nomthandazo: And my messages?
Me: Ufuna ntoni Nomthandazo? (What do you
want Nomthandazo?)
Nomthandazo: Mxm. Uyagula uSimi (Simi is
sick)
Me: What do you mean uyagula?
Nomthandazo: Uphethwe yifever?
Me: Nimsile kwagqirha? Is it bad?
Nomthandazo: Hayi but umama uthi it isn’t bad
Me: Umamakho? (chuckles) and suddenly she’s
a doctor now?
Nomthandazo: It’s my mother we’re still talking
about apha.
Me: I know damn’t but akangogqirha, she won’t
make decisions if my son should go to hospital
or not.
Nomthandazo: She raised three grown children
for crying out loud!
Me: I couldn’t give a damn whether it was 10!
You’re going to take my son to hospital xa egula,
uyandivha?
She kept quiet but I could still hear her loud
breathing on the other side of the line
Me: Nomthan…
Nomthandazo: Ndiyakuvha.
Me: Good. I will transfer you imali
Nomthandazo: I don’t need your cash
Me: It’s for my son not you.
“Mxm”
And that was her goodbye. I stared at the
screen of my phone waiting for her Whatsapp
text or an SMS but she never sent any of the
two. Whenever our phone call conversations did
not end up well, I knew I would either be getting
a bunch of text messages or Whatsapp
notifications. I locked my phone and stepped
back inside the house, the goosebumps which
appeared on my arms now disappearing.
Everybody was gathered in the kitchen around
the counter having some braai meat. I jumped
on the counter and found a place to sit next to
Xolani. Everybody was around except for
Kwanele’s girlfriend and Phindi whom I
presumed was still in the bedroom getting
ready.
Me: Zee, khandinike ipaper plate (Zee, give me a
paper plate)
She handed me one out of the bulk and I got a
few pieces for Aphindiwe before placing it next
to me. I kept on checking my wrist watch to see
how many minutes has been in that bedroom
and when the watch stroked 25 minutes, I
excused myself to look for her. When I was a
few steps from the door she opened it and
stared at me, closing the wooden door slowly
Me: We’ll need jackets, kuyabanda phandle (its
cold outside)
She nodded and walked back inside the room
and I followed behind her. She hung her jacket
on her handbag while I wore mine walking
besides her. In the kitchen we held discussions
on where we were headed first and what
activities we would part take in during the midst
of the night. Clubbing and drinking was all
which seemed to be the plan because on New
Year’s eve we wanted to attended either of the
two events: the Nasty C event, which I was
hoping would be off the list and the Beach party
which I was actually keen on attending.
So all we did that night was drink and move
from one open club to the next until we the
drivers told the girls we weren’t driving anymore.
They wanted to explore every single club in
such a short period of time.

The following morning I took a shower, leaving

Aphindiwe in bed. I was heading out for
breakfast with Kwanele and his girlfriend, I
woke up my sister as well so we’d have at least
two ladies to help us with the little snacks the
other ladies might have wanted. I stepped out
the bathroom and into the room to a groaning
Aphindiwe
Me: Morning
Aphindiwe: Uyaphi? (Where are you going?)
Me: Nearest supermarket for izinto ze breakfast
Aphindiwe: Who are you going with?
Me: My sister noKwanele
She nodded, pulling the white sheets over her
head
Me: Ufuna uhamba? (You want to come with?)
She shook her head from the under the blankets,
I walked over to her side of the bed and
removed the blankets over her head, she had
her eyes shut tightly. I leaned forward and
placed a kiss on her forehead
Me: What must I bring for you?
Aphindiwe: Something for hangover
Me: Drink strong black coffee my baby,
uzobaright before we go out futhi.
Aphindiwe: You reckon?
Me: Definitely
The three and I left for something over two
hours, getting takeaways for breakfast and a
whole lot of ice cream and snacks. We did not
purchase any alcohol because there was still a
lot from last night and another thing was
because we had no list of the stuff people
wanted to drink. We returned to an empty house
and a driveway with only one car instead of
three. Not even Aphindiwe was in our bedroom.
Whilst Zee Lala unpacked the groceries I made
a phone call to Aphindiwe but her phone went
unanswered, I tried it a couple of times prior to
trying Xolani. I was just waiting for him to pick
up when Kwanele interrupted me
Kwanele: Bayeke ndibafumene (Leave them, I
finally reached them)
Zizipho: Bathini? (What are they saying?)
Kwanele: They were at the beach, bayabuya.
When the rest returned the ladies helped each
other with preparing breakfast while we chilled
at the pool having a guy conversation. Xolani
was curious as to what happened to
Nomthandazo because it was his first time
seeing Aphindiwe and he assumed I were
having her as a side chick. I took the time to fill
him in with the details which were enough for
him to understand, I did not mention that she
was a sister to Nomthandazo because that had
nothing to do with him. From there the
conversation shifted to my house and life in
Cape Town, then to Lelovuyo, a topic I did not
want to hold at that time but they forced it
anyway saying I needed to face the fact that I
needed help to get over my obsession over that
girl. Kwanele kept mentioning something like if I
really loved Aphindiwe I would try even harder
to get help or else I would see myself back to
the old me, and this time around I wasn’t going
to hurt Lelovuyo but Aphindiwe because of a
wound that has reopened. He kept on repeating
the words
“Uzobetha yena ngoba uzobe engekho
uLelovuyo (You will hurt her because Lelovuyo
will be out of reach)”
Me: I will never touch Aphindiwe
Xolani: Remember watsho the same thing
about uLelo and you almost killed her.
Even though they felt they were trying to help
me to me it felt like they were pouring salt on an
open wound. I felt my heart hammer against my
chest and I knew I was scared. I wasn’t scared
of what they world saw of me, that never moved
me, it never bothered me but what I feared was
relapsing and going back to that person. It
didn’t have to be through drugs, I was still a
monster sober and I knew it, was always denial
when told I needed anger management help. My
fear was losing my temper and hurting her. My
biggest fear was laying a hand on Mambhele
when I knew very well that with the Odwa saga
the devil in me wanted to hurt her.
Entry 180

Asanda

The trip to Durban was needed, by me more

especially, for many reasons. It was for the very
first time I viewed Aphindiwe’s man as useful
and you can’t blame me for that, it was the first
time he ever did something that pleased me as
well. Aphindiwe wanted him and I to actually get
along, she wanted me to somehow tolerate the
man’s presence because he was still to be in
her life for a long period, I couldn’t shame and it
was going to take me eternity to. I knew trouble
when I saw one, and that man was double the
trouble I knew. During out three day stay in
Durban she kept on asking me to at least smile
at him or be kind to him but that man couldn’t
give a damn about me, he never looked my way
a single moment we were there, not even when I
spoke, and I wasn’t complaining.
I was back home and back to reality, my stress
was piling up thinking about my NSFAS status. I
needed an approval so I could at least get
myself residence, which was all I needed to
continue with my studies because with Bhuti
Olwethu not around, mother made suggestion
that we put it up for rentals so we could at least
get some money for it. Bhuti did receive the
news and approved but a lot needed to be done,
a lot like removing the furniture and living what
was more convenient for the tenants. I was
laying on the bed viewing statuses on Facebook
with the little I had, my feet rested on the
armrest because I did not want to disturb my
mother with the moping she was doing.
uMakazi was in the kitchen frying some eggs
and viennas
Mama: Uyonqena kodwa mntanam, awuthathi
nefeather duster lena kengoku Asa (You quite
lazy my child, you’re not even getting with the
feather duster)
Me: Khange ku dustishwe kanti izolo? (Didn’t
you dust the furniture yesterday though?)
Mama: Yenzwa everyday ifurniture. Shukuma
kulo sofa yakwam udustishe le furniture (You
clean the furniture on a daily basis. Get up from
my couches and dust this furniture)
I looked at her just to analyse her face, I knew
when she was serious about something and
would get made if I did not do it and when she
was going to let it go. This was one of those
days when she was going to flip and probably
kick me out her house so I stood up as
instructed and searched for the feather duster,
the dusting cloth and Pledge furniture spray. I
had my earphones plugged in my ear as I
started with the furniture in her bedroom, to the
last in the lounge. I leaned on the cabinet and
looked outside the window for the sign of a
friend whom was coming to visit
Makazi: Ukhangela bani nah sisi? (Who are you
looking for?)
Me: Chomam (My friend)
Makazi: Uhamba nini ke lonto ngoba ndidikiwe
ngababantwana bahlala besiza apha. Awuyazi
noba uyafunwa nah kwaba kwabo, umntu afike
apha ephethe izinto ezimdaka (When are you
leaving because I am up to here with these
children visiting you all the time. You don’t even
know if their parents love you, a person walks in
here with dirty things.)
I couldn’t believe my ears, my aunties was a
pain in the ass to be honest. I rolled my eyes
looking away from her
“Not everybody is out to kill us ke sana Makazi.”
Makazi: Thatha mntana wesalungu. Tshini
niyadlala nina ngabantu besinto (You go English
girl. Wow you guys play about the traditional
people.)
Me: Ndithetha inyani Makazi, abanye abantu
abanamona (I’m speaking the honest truth Aunt,
other people aren’t jealous)
She shook her head and continued staring at
the Oros in the glass jug, she had me thinking
she could just break that jug from just staring at
the damn cold drink for nothing. My mother
walked in wiping her hands on her apron and
looked at the three plates laid out on the table
“Yooh kuyadika xa bengekho abantu (It’s boring
when people aren’t around)”
My grandmother was out of town, at Lusikisiki
to be specific, and I was thankful for not having
her and Yandisile around, don’t blame me, those
two were the reasons I always wanted to cut my
holiday short. As for bhuti Olwethu, he was
missed dearly. We gathered around the table
and feasted, talking about life stuff here and
there. My subconscious kept reminding me that
Mihle could help get bhuti out of prison but then
again I did not want to sell Aphindiwe out like
that. The documents Aphindiwe said he needed
were confidential and I could not get them
myself, I needed umama and Makazi to know.
And so I spoke
Me: Mama kukhona omnye ubhuti onosinceda
ngokupha ubhuti Olwethu (Mother there is a
man who could help us with getting bhuti
Olwethu out of jail.)
My mother stopped chowing and looked my
way, the look she gave made me want to take it
all back.
Mama: Uthini? (What did you say?)
Me: Nevermind
Mama: Asanda thetha lanto ubuyithetha
(Asanda say what you were saying)
Me: There’s a man endimaziyo onosinceda
ngokhupha ubhuti ejail (There’s a man I know
who could get brother out of jail)
Mama: And ngubani lobhuti waphi? (And who’s
this man, from where?)
Me: Waziwa kakuhle nguAphindiwe (Aphindiwe
knows him well)
And that was all it got to have my aunt laugh,
look she cracked so hard, clapping her hands in
the process, then she looked at me with one of
disbelief.
Makazi: Uthi uAphindiwe utheni? (You’re saying
Aphindiwe did what?)
Mama: And lobhuti uzomkhupha njani uOlwethu?
(And how is this guy going to help get Olwethu
out?)
I shrugged my shoulders
“Andazi”.
uMakazi did that thing again, shaking her hand
ekhuza ngongathi I just killed someone
Makazi: Yheeee Bawo tshini yimihlola yantoni
nale. Jonga dade, lomntana lomntu bathetha
ngaye ngumntu one’connections ejail (Heeeeh
God, what ridiculousness is this. Look sis, the
person this child is talking about is someone
who has connections in jail.)
Me: Hayi
Makazi: Or umntu osuka ejail (Or someone who
has been to jail before.)
Me: No!
Mama: And uyazi njani lonto? Ubungatshongo
uba waziwa nguAphindiwe lomfana? (And how
do you know that? Didn’t you say Aphindiwe is
the one who knows this man well?)
Me: Nangoku (And that’s true)
Makazi: Nizana nabantu abane connections
ejail ngoku Asanda (You know people who have
connections in jail now Asanda.)
Me: No waziwa nguAphindiwe (No, he’s known
by Aphindiwe)
My mother got on her phone and searched
through it. I was getting nervous by second as
she pressed it against her ear, looking at me
like I just told her I was pregnant, or even worse
like I killed someone. When whoever answered
she handed it to me and instructed:
“Faka lento kwi speaker (Put this one speaker)”
I did as she told me and closed my eyes when I
took in the name on the screen
Mama: Aphindiwe
Aphindiwe: Kazi
Mama: Bububhanxa bantoni obu buthethwa
nguAsanda (What stupidity is this Asanda is
bluffing here?)|
Aphindiwe: Obuphi Makazi? (Which one, aunt?)
Mama: Ngubani lomfana kuthwa uyamazi
one’connections ejails? (Who is this man you
know of who has connections in jails?)
She kept quiet for a while then I heard her sigh
Aphindiwe: Yichommie Makazi (It’s a friend
aunt)
Mama: Yi chommie? (A friend?)
Aphindiwe: Ewe Kazi (Yes aunt.)
Mama: And yichommie etheni lena ihoya ubhuti
wakho? Uyazelaphi uba ubanjiwe uOlwethu?
(And what kind of a friend is he to be concerned
about your brother? How does he know Olwethu
is arrested?)
Aphindiwe: Ndamncokolela Kazi (I spoke to him
about it aunt)
Mama: Aphindiwe?
Aphindiwe: Makazi
I could her from her voice that she wanted to
dig up the ground and bury herself, I was filling
like shit sitting next to my mother and I wasn’t
even answering these questions, she must have
felt even worse
“eKapa uyofunda okanye uyochomana
namagintsa (Are you in Cape Town for studies
or to be friends with thugs?)
Aphindiwe: For studies Makazi
Mama: Yeka abagintsa. Yeka abangitsa mntana
ka sisi. Asoze wazane nabantu abane
connections ejail ngoba abubantu ngabantu
abangekho right, ngabantu ababese jail! Yeka lo
chommie (Leave the thugs alone. Leave the
thugs, my sister’s child. You can never know
people who have connections in jail because
those people are not to be trusted, those are
people who have been to jail. Leave that friend
alone.)
Aphindiwe: Alright Makazi
After that the call was ended, I was still seated
on that chair unmoved, unable to think properly
because my aunt was staring straight at me
looking for answers. My mother closed her eyes
and sighed loudly, I kept looking around,
avoiding looking at any of the two. My aunt
wouldn’t remove her eyes from me until I looked
back at her
Makazi: Yheeeh ooAsanda!
She clapped her hands again before taking her
fork and knife and continuing to eat. I suddenly
lost my appetite and just sipped on my cold
drink until it was done. In black families, talking
or making a sound after such quarrels was not
an easy thing because even that would be used
against you, so instead of getting up to refill my
glass like I was wishing, I sat on that chair and
joined the silence. I thanked God for time that
day for the absence of my granny, had she been
around she would have told my mother to hit
me or probably kick me out of her house. I tried
eating the Vienna because not eating would
have them lecture me again. Makazi wouldn’t
stop making sounds while my mother kept on
looking at me every thirty seconds. When they
were done with eating I gathered the dishes and
boiled some water to have them washed, they
still kept the silence, both probably making up
assumptions about this guy I just mentioned.
My phone was making vibrations against my
thigh but I avoided taking it out until they were
out of the kitchen. My mother was the first to
get and leave, leaving me behind with my aunt
who got busy on her phone for a matter of five
minutes then got back to that conversation
“Yeeh Asanda.”
Me: Makazi
I was looking at the basin full of dishes in front
of me, not appreciating her curiousity
Makazi: Uzixelele uAphindiwe uba lankwenkwe
yegintsa abusy nayo, ezomenzela abayelekenqe
(You must tell Aphindiwe that boy she’s busy
with will show her the worst.)
With that said, she got up and pushed in her
chair before excusing herself from the kitchen. I
let out a sigh and bent over the basin just to get
a proper breath. I wiped my hands and dug in
my pockets for my phone, like I was expecting
there were 11 messages from Phindi: one,
where she was asking me why I told them, two,
where she was asking me why I told them, then
the rest were all question marks. I stepped
away from the cabinet and found a seat at the
table, typing a paragraph back to her, I was
explaining to her with the honesty because I
knew she only wanted to help and it was me
she was worried about. I recalled how she even
suggested I transfer to Cape Town and go stay
with her but that would mean starting over with
my studies, and uTamnci would approve of his
daughter living with me. The less drama, the
better.

Aphindiwe

After receiving the call from Makazi I was

furious, what was wrong with people around me
and Mihle, the guy was genuinely trying to help.
I sent a couple of texts to Asanda, same time,
she responded after three minutes of me
waiting to hear her response. I trusted her
answer to my question but what I did not trust
was how she told me she said it, that it was her
mother who saw through the lines. She kept
explaining it to me in text and on voice notes
until I told her it was fine, I would get over it. I
found myself stuck between wanting to tell
Mihle about it on a phone call or waiting until
the following day to fill him in about this whole
drama, whatever it was I wanted to tell him. I
spent that day with Azola, just like other days I
spent in George. In that household she was the
only person who understood me and whose
snobness I could tolerate, maybe because I was
already used to her. The rest of the girls in our
age group spent half of their time thinking they
were white, had white friends and always spoke
about ooCraig noNicole, and that to me was off
line. If Azola was busy with her coconut
relatives I was in the bedroom chatting on my
phone or chilling with the guys in the family but
that wasn’t easy as well because Nomthandazo
was already making comments of that is what I
know, chilling around incanca.
Azola, Linomandla and I were heading out that
following day; Azola’s boyfriend was coming in
town for her, my boyfriend was coming in town
for and Lina was going to treat her afro. We left
in the same car but only separated our paths in
town. Azola wanted us to have this outing as a
double date but I could not and I believe you
guys already know why. It was for the very first
time I had to wait for Mihle for over an hour and
actually feel like leaving, he was never late
when he had to see me. He kept calling after
every text I sent him telling me he was close by,
I placed myself an order of milkshake at Spur
and awaited him. When he made way through
the door I could not even smile at him, yes I was
happy to see him but I was damn angry at him
Mihle: Baby
He found a seat opposite me and let out an
exhausted sigh, I bent over and my mouth met
the straw of my milkshake. I was aware he was
looking at me waiting for me to answer him
Mihle: Ndiyabulisa Nhanha? (I’m greeting
Nhanha)
Me: Khange ubulise (You didn’t greet)
Mihle: Molo baby (Hello baby)
Me: Why are you so late?
Mihle: Ngxesi Mmabhele, there was a crisis at
the fields
Me: Is everything okay?
Mihle: Yep
He seemed unsure and I could tell there was
something he was hiding from me. He lifted his
hands for a waitress
Mihle: Uzotya ntoni? (What are you having?)
Me: Let’s order drinks for now, tell me about the
fields. What happened?
He looked at me his hand still in mid-air, his
eyebrows were furrowed together, that was the
look he gave when he did not want to talk about
something
Me: Please
Mihle: Phindi
Me: Ndandithe learn to talk to me, please
He ran his hand down his face and looked at me
with a begging face, I wasn’t backing down, he
had to talk. Instead of allowing him to win, I
folded my arms over the table and looked at
him. He placed his forehead on his hands on
the table and groaned
Mihle: Yazi yintoni, me telling you this will ruin
our day. Can we not ndiyakucela?
Me: I need to know it.
Mihle: Nyani?
Me: Ewe
Mihle: And we will continue like nothing has
happened after I tell you
Me: It depends.
Mihle: Then let’s eat
Me: Okay fine, ewe
Mihle: Nyani?
Me: Ewe. Please talk
Mihle: (sighs lowly) I was talking to some
people to help me demolish the place.
Me: What?!
He grinned at me and nodded. I know there
were people staring at us as I got up on my seat
and hugged him tightly. I felt tears form at the
back of my arms as he picked me up and
hugged me, I was placing kisses on his neck, on
his ear and every place where his skin showed.
He wouldn’t let me go and I didn’t want him to
because I knew I was going to break down from
tears of joy
Me: I knew you’d do it.
Mihle: You got raped because of someone who
was my enemy because of that business. I can’t
keep hurting you deliberately. I can’t Mambhele.
I did that for you Nhanha.
I sniffed on his shoulder and I felt a tear leave
my eyes to fall on my cheek, he squeezed me
even tighter and repeated
“I did that for you Bhelekazi wam.”
Entry 181

Aphindiwe

As I was sitting opposite him at the table my

eyes wouldn't leave him, he was concentrating
on the cutlery in his hand and the plate in front
him. I had my glass in my hand taking sips
unaware. I was thinking of the decision he just
took and my curiosity hit the top, I did not want
to seek ungrateful but I had to question him
Me: Mihle
Mihle: Mmmh?
He brought a fork carrying a peace of steak up
to his mouth. He wasn't done chewing what he
had in his mouth yet but he wanted to fill his
mouth with another piece yet
Me: What was the sudden change that made
you take the decision you did?
He cocked a brow and continued chewing. He
finally opened his mouth when there was less
food left in his mouth
Mihle: What decision?
Me: Of destroying the fields. It was the best
thing in your life not long ago
Mihle: Why aren't you eating?
Me: I am
I placed the glass and took the knife to cut the
burger in front of me in half
Mihle: Ndiyivale because it's what you wanted.
It had my enemies attack you to get through me
so I had to.
I raised my eyebrows at him because I knew
that must be part of the reason but it wasn't
entirely the reason
Me: And?
Mihle: That's it.
Me: We both know how much money that place
brought it, and I know you were going to find a
way to your enemies so they don't hurt me. So
what was the real reason?
Mihle: I figured ayikho enye indlela to my
enemies. You doubting my reason
Me: No Fhaku, and I'm grateful kodwa
kwakukudala I asked you to close it. Why now?
Mihle: Because I figured a way now
I nodded and took the half of the burger from
my plate. I noticed how he was looking at me so
I stared down at my plate, maybe I appeared
unthankful to him but that wasn't the reason to
my questions, I just wanted to know he wasn't
in trouble. I was glad he did not say anything
after that because his words were enough to
make me think he never really loved me, I had to
always remember that I was happy he was
fixing his aggressive side for me. We sat and
ate in silence, and to me it felt somewhat
awkward because we never kept to ourselves in
a million days since the day we were together,
there was always something to say about
everything. When it became too much for me to
just listen to my chowing I enquired
"So where are the girls kengoku?r)"
Mihle: Bakwelinye iholo (They're at some hall)
Me: And when are you letting them go?
He shrugged his shoulders and laid back on
chair, he sighed and looked in the distance
Mihle: No anytime soon. I can't let them go
ngoku until I figure what how I'm going to
handle this
Me: Handle what? I thought you said you had a
plan
He looked at me again and opened his mouth to
speak but stopped. I placed the French fry I was
holding and looked at him
Me: What's wrong?
Mihle: Nothing. It's just that those girls know all
seven of my boys. Sending them home means
risking having my men in jail
Me: Yhoo. You think they'll talk?
Mihle: Amantombazana are over thirty, of
course one or two will talk.
Me: (blows out a sigh)
Mihle: And once my men are in jail,
andisindanga.
I felt my palms sweating and my heart
hammering hard against my chest. He was right,
he was so damn right
Me: And that is something you don't have a plan
for?
He shook his head.
Me: Then you shouldn't have let them free.
I found myself saying this not because I wanted
them to suffer but I was in a position where I
had to either let my man down or them. He
raised his eyebrows at me and blinked a couple
of times if I remember well
Mihle: No.
Me: I mean if you're going to jail for it then you
might as well ju...
Mihle: Hayi!
I was interrupted halfway through when he
threw a punch on the table, startling me for just
advising him
Mihle: All you been doing is talking and asking
stupid questions. Azanga utsho uba I must
close the place?
Me: I did but I didn't...
Mihle: Then just shut up. I've got a matter to
find a solution to.
Me: Ak'funekanga uba ubekrwada (You don't
have to be rude.)
He flared his nose and waited for me to say one
more thing. There were times when I was
supposed to be scared of him but I wasn't and
there was times when he really freaked me out
but this wasn't the time instead I was annoyed
that he was sulking and taking his stress out on
me. His outburst made me feel guilty all of a
sudden that I was all excited about his decision
yet it was about to burst open his brain from
stress.

I checked that there was nothing of mine I was

leaving on the table before closing my handbag
and standing besides him. On our way to the
door I was struggling with my bag and
milkshake I was carrying, he pulled out one
hand from his pocket and outstretched it to me
Mihle: Bring one of them
Me: The handbag?
Mihle: Noba yeyiphi (Any of the two)
I gave him my handbag and finally took a sip on
the bubblegum milkshake I was holding. I was
more than full from the food we just had but I
craved the milkshake so I had it. I took his hand
in mine and followed besides him since I
noticed we weren't heading out to the parking
lot but were roaming around the mall. Our
romantic walk was disturbed by his phone
ringing in his pocket, I freed the hold I was
holding
Mihle: Maxoza
He took a couple of steps and stopped walking,
I too had to stop and wait for him. The other
person on the line must have been explaining
something which did not sit well with him
because I saw it on his face before he could
even speak that he was agitated
Mihle: Maxoza, what did I tell you?
He listened for barely a second and yelled
"I fucken told you to stay in one place!
Uphambene? Nxxx!"
I was forced to look around and see if there was
anybody looking at him, oh at us, and like I had
imagined there were a couple of eyes looking
our way. I kept dancing on my feet waiting for
him to compose himself even though I knew it
took him a couple of hours or days to get
himself under control. He had his had tightened
in a fist about to smash his phone and his eyes
shut as though preventing himself from
screaming. I was playing with my feet at that
time because I was told to shut up so I did not
want to say anything to anger him more. He
finally opened his hands and looked at me, he
outstretched his hand and pulled me closer
placing a kiss on the side of my head
"Sorry."
I nodded and snuggled my head on his chest
Mihle: Where were we going?
Me: Andazi (I don't know)
He gave me a straight smile before dragging
me along him up to Spitz. Unaware what it was
we were there for I stay along his side, he
checked out a couple of formal shoes before
asking for a size 8 of a brown glorious looking
shoe
Me: Why a formal shoe?
Mihle: Ndisifunela ioccasion yasemsebenzini (I
want it for an occasion at work)
Me: What type of occasion?
Mihle: Every year we have a welcome ceremony
for soldiers in South Africa so it's a two day
event. One held as a galla dinner and the main
event.
Me: Is it held apha?
He nodded putting his arm around my neck and
lowering his head, his husky voice made way
through my ear
"And Miss Dabula, will you be my date?
I giggled and shook my head, he bit my earlope
prior to asking
Mihle: Why?
Me: I don't have an attire Mr Gabavu.
Mihle: And that's why I'm hrre
I removed his hand and looked at him, he
smiled showing his teeth
Me: For real?
Mihle: Ewe. Or what you don't trust my taste?
Me: Ha.a shame. Thank you
He gave me a 360 twirl and tilted his head to
the side
"You do see how I dress right?"
Me: Maybe if you had to dress a male ewe, but
not a female more especially me.
He took his low lip between his teeth and
smiled, he kept nodding
Mihle: Okay you choosing your outfit but
ndifuna uyazi uba
He started counting from his fingers
"No bra free or whatever lanto is, no see
through dress, no dress that has a side cut
showing your legs and definitely nothing rising
above your knee."
By the time he was done my jaw was hanging, I
mean those were the most fashionable things
to wear nowadays
Me: You want me to look like a gogo?
Mihle: No. I want you to look like my girlfriend
He planted a kiss on my lips and turned to look
for the guy who went to get him a size 8 of the
shoe he asked for. I encircled my hands around
his waist from the back and laid my head on his
back, I was short compared to him, my
forehead barely reached his neck. He brushed
my arms before bringing his hands to his back
and touching my ass, I jumped moving away
from him
Mihle: Yintoni kengoku?
Me: Ha.a tshiii
Mihle: Oh so kuright when you're holding me but
mna I can't hold you?
Me: You're holding other places
Mihle: My places
I moved away as he attempted to pull me close
wanting to spank my ass. I was saved from the
embarrassment by the guy who arrived holding
a box, he handed it over to Mihle who found a
seat at the bench and opened the box. The guy
handed him plastics he was supposed to put on
his feet before fitting the shoes, like I was
expecting he looked at the plastics then at the
guy, I found myself holding back a laugh
Mihle: And then?
Guy: You have to put them before fitting
Mihle: Xa undijongile ndinukilwa zinyawo? What
are these socks for?
He pointed the socks on his feet
Guy: I don't understand what you're saying.
Please speak in English.
He was African so he had all reason not to
understand my rude boyfriend. I thought Fhaku
was going to rephase his statement but instead
he pushed a shoe in his foot and fit it. I kept on
passing a glance between his foot and the guy
standing in front of us
Mihle: Sinjani baby? (How is it baby?)
Me: I love it. Jonga it will need a uhmm grey suit
Mihle: Nhanha?
Me: Baby
Mihle: How's the shoe?
Me: Mxm awudiki. It's beautiful
He blew me a kiss before taking it off and
putting on his Nike runners
Mihle: How much is this pair?
"R3400"
Mihle: I need this pair
The guy took the box and walked towards the
teller, we followed after him and waited to pay
up.
When we left Spitz I told Mihle we visit Identity
for something I could wear that night but he
told me he knew of a place that sold dresses
which would look good on me, a place back in
Cape Town. I was told I had to go back to Cape
Town early so we could find the perfect dress
and shoes for me, I had my hair and nails to do
as well. Before I was dropped a few yards from
home by him we visited the beach and had ice
cream of my choice from this ice cream shop
which sold crazy huge ice creams. We chilled in
his G- Wagon talking about us and a lot of
school. It was all he ever wanted to know when
I was around him; how serious I was about
school. Every time the topic came into
conversation I felt like he was my father and not
my boyfriend. He questioned about my fees,
registration and when I were getting my results.
My dear friends that day I was told to bring
home my results the day they gave them to us.
A David was enough in my life and now to have
Davids was a pain in the arss.

Lelovuyo

I sat on the couch at home and continued

chatting on my phone to my Zulu friends who
missed me back at Pietermaritzburg while my
mother was on a phone call talking to my elder
cousin sister whom I lived with back there. She
was informing her about my stay here in Port
Elizabeth because she wanted me to heal fully
and understand that was home. It would been
better if I were staying for school or work at
least but to sit around at home and do nothing
was even worse than being in Maritzburg
because here all my friends were in University. I
looked at the woman who was sitting a sofa
away from me talking about me like I wasn't
around. She kept mentioning my encounters
with Mihle and how they had me having
sleepless night and losing the brave girl I had
grew in.
I shook my head disagreeing with her totally, I
was still the brave me but it was just not being
ready to see him that freaked me out like that.
When she finally hung she turned to me placing
her hands on her lap
Mama: Lelovuyo mntanam
Me: Mama
Mama: uZandile ucinga ufuna uncedo olu
special (Zandile things you need speak help)
Me: Haibo Mama
Mama: Uthi uZandile ubobane nighmares phaya
(Zandile says you used to have nightmares
there)
I furrowed my eyebrows and looked at her. Well
it wasn't a lie but they were better than before
Mama: Kutheni ungandixelelanga? (Why didn't
you tell me?)
Me: Bendingacing' uba ibaluleke olomhlobo (I
did not think it was that important)
Mama: Kwanto eno phazamisa impilo yakho
ibalulekile (Anything that could disturb your
health is important)
Me: Andifun ncedo kodwa mna. It was just
nightmares and besides akho mali apha ekhaya
for lonto (I don't need help. It was nightmarish
and besides there's no money for that here
home)
She looked at me, she wasn't anything because
she knew what I saying was the honest truth.
They never considered therapy or help when I
most needed it, they couldn't drag me there now
I was used to these nightmares and they
weren't affecting me much. She got up from the
couch and walked to the kitchen only to appear
again at the doorway
"Lelovuyo"
Me: Mama
Mama: Ndifuna uthethe nam mntanam xa
kunento ekutyayo (I want you to talk to me
when there's something bothering you)
I nodded and looked away because suddenly
my throat became dry and I felt myself holding
back a loud cry. I wanted to talk to her but I
couldn't, I never learned it from a young age.
Her real reason for calling my cousin was
because this morning she found me crying in
my room and I never told her why I was. She
would have killed me if I did, or probably kick
me out. The thing is I found myself wanting to
talk to Mihle, as scared as I was to be in the
same space with him but somewhere in my
heart there was longing for him to at least say
something to me. I found myself laying on my
bed going through every possible name I
thought he could us for Facebook until it hit me
that I was searching for my rapist, for my
abuser and that's when I cried because I felt a
mess. I felt sick and bitchy in a way, I was
supposed to hate him right? Why was I even
bothered searching for him when he almost
took my life away? What was it about him that I
couldn't let go? Maybe I was sick and needed
help.
I swallowed the lump on my throat but failed as
I felt that feeling I had in the morning come
back. I cleared my throat and spoke to my
mother hoping she wouldn't noticed I was at the
edge of crying
"Mama ndisayolala (Mama I'm going to sleep)"
My voice failed me, and I knew it did worse
when she appeared on the doorway and called
me. I stopped in my tracks but did not turn to
her
Me: Mama
Mama: Ulilelani? (Why are you crying?)
Me: Andilili mama (I'm not crying mama)
Mama: Jika (Turn around)
I wiped the tears I had rolling down my cheeks
with the back of my hands before turning. The
look she gave me broke me even more, she too
looked like she had lost hope and when the one
person who held you together looked that
hopeless it was a fail. She walked up to me and
enveloped me in her arms and that's when I let
it all out, unable to hold it back. She kept
begging me to stop but I couldn't until she
brought me water with sugar which I drank in
small sips
Mama: Ufuna uphindela eMaritzburg?
As much as I wanted I said no because I did not
want to hurt her, she was carrying to much
burden because of me already. When I was
finally calm I told her I was going to lay down
and she allowed me but she doesn't know that
in the bedroom I did more crying hoping she
wouldn't hear me. My heart was carrying too
much pain and I wanted a way to let it out but I
did not know how. It wasnt the therapy they
wanted that could help me but it was the man
who put me through this, all I wanted to hear
from him was "sorry" and remorse that he
regretted what he did to me, maybe that was
the way I'd heal but I couldn't let any of my
family know that, to them it would be like taking
myself back to the lion's cage.

I recall waking up at something past 9 with a

headache and puffy eyes, when I lifted my head
from the pillow it pounded even more. I laid
there for a while remembering why I felt this
way, I did not want to think of it but it was
impossible not to. I pushed myself of the bed
and made way out of the bedroom to the
kitchen. My brother was sitting at the lounge
watching soccer and a glass of coke in front of
him
Me: Molo bhuti
Siyabulela: Sure Vuyo. Uright?
I always hated the nickname because I told him
it sounded like a boy's name but he never
changed it until ndali votela sana
Me: I'm good. Uphi umama? (Where's mama?)
He took in my face and I saw from the look on
his face that he wanted to talk but refrained
from it.
Siyabulela: Ulele, uthe unentloko (She's sleeping,
she said she got a headache.)
I marched to the kitchen but was stopped by
him when he asked me a question which got
me cold instantly
Siyabulela: Sele ekufumene? (Did he find you
yet?)
Me: Who?
I asked that even though I knew whom it was he
was talking about. I was just curious as to
where the question came from
Siyabulela: uMihle.
Me: Was he supposed to find me?
Siyabulela: He wants you Lelovuyo
Me: Uyandifuna? (He wants me)
Siyabulela: Into endiyithethayo izobuya lanja.
Uyamazi uba xa efuna into akayiyeke ade
ayifumane (What I'm saying is that dog will
come back. You know when he wants
something he doesn't let it go until he gets it)
I wanted to say something but I seemed to
choke from what he was saying and the truth in
everything he was saying. I felt tears prick at
the back of my eyes, I shook my eyes not
wanting to believe what he was saying
Siyabulela: Phindela eMaritzburg Vuyo (Go back
to Maritzburg Vuyo)
Me: Akafuni umama (Mom doesn't want me to)
Siyabulela: Bububhanxa obo. Hamba (That's
nonsense. Go)
Me: Talk to umama then
Siyabulela: Ndizothetha naye (I'll talk to her)
I don't know for how long I stood on that same
place thinking about what he was saying. I was
sweating and shaking at the same time, unable
to think straight
"Ndizothini uba undifumene Bhuti (what will I do
if he finds me brother?)"
Siyabulela: Akasoze (never)
I wanted to believe him but I couldn't. I knew
Mihle would be here any time and he was going
to find me. I didn't even know where he stayed
but I somehow felt he wasn't far. I turned on my
heel and headed back to my room forgetting
the reason I went there in the first place. I
checked my phone to see that I didn't have a
threatening message from a number I knew not
off. I remember hugging my knees while laying
on my side thinking of all possible things he
could do to me. The day he ran after me came
flashing back and I felt goosebumps filling my
body. I was convinced he was going to hit me
when he touched me; the way I was so scared I
felt like I was going to throw up, but he never
did instead the plea he gave me shocked me, he
was a man who never begged. That day he
begged, asking me not to scream, telling me he
wasn't going to hurt me but even when I wanted
to believe him my mind and subconscious didn't
allow it.

He was the last person I thought off when I

went to bed and the first that came to mind
when I woke up. I was up at 05:53 and couldn't
go back to sleep because of the things that
were going through my mind. I never
understood how a man could be that obsessed
over a child he had not even seen, a child he
never felt move nor kick. To me it came as an
excuse to just hit me, he wasn't angry I killed a
zygote, he was just finding a reason to take out
his anger on me. I rolled over and closed my
eyes in hopes of going back to sleep because I
felt overwhelmed with everything going on
around me. I wanted to disappear or die for a
period of time and return when all this was over
but since I was prey it wouldn't end until my
predator found me.
I was discussed by my brother and mother on a
daily basis like someone who wasn't around
and I was used to it by then, they did it all the
time. I wasn't even allowed to interfere or
comment because my mother still thought I
wasn't mature enough to make my own
decision, the sad part was me being as old as
22 but still treated like a 15 year old.

At least there was two days of breathing and no

one talking about Mihle under that roof. It was
funny how much I wanted to run away from him
but he always found his back to my mouth, my
mother's and brother's. There was no escaping
the guy even when I wanted to because not
even a single day would pass, since I arrived
there, without having my brother say his name.
That two days had me hoping it would continue
that way, at least I found me some peace. I was
hoping the peace and quiet would last a little
longer but the Gods never heard my prayers
because on that third day I received a call from
a number I knew not off, and because I didn't
put much thought in it I answered
Me: Hello.
There was silence on the other side and I
repeated myself about three times before
feeling like something was wrong. I
contemplated ending the call but finally the
person spoke in a deep familiar voice
"Lelo."
Me: Mihle
That was barely a whisper, I don't even think he
heard me say it.
Mihle: Ndicela unga dropi, ndiyakucela, hear me
out (Please don't end the call, please, hear me
out)
Me: Ufunani? Undifuna ntoni? (What do you
want? What do you want from me?)
Mihle: Lelo
Me: Sundibiza lonto! (Don't call me that!) Don't
you dare
Mihle: Just hear me out please. I did not know
what other way to get myself to talk to you but
this. Mamela.
Me: Where did you get my number?
Mihle: It doesn't matter.
Me: It does! Who gave you inumber wam?! Who
gave it to you?! Who?!
I did not end the call when I heard it was him
because I thought I could handle it but the more
I spoke to him the more it scarred me. How
dare he? My mother budged in my room and
saw me standing there with my phone against
my ear and teary eyes
Mama: Lelovuyo yintoni? (Lelovuyo what is it?)
Me: Someone gave my number to Mihle mama.
Someone gave him....
I could even finish the latter sentence as I
began crying, not strong enough to carry my
weight. My mother took the phone and pressed
it against her ear, her breathing was insane and
she was beyond angry
Mama: Ungaze ulinge uphinde ufounele
umntana wam uyandivha? (Don't you ever call
my daughter again do you hear me?)
She did not wait for him to response. She threw
my phone on my bed after ending the call and
keeled down next to me. This was the second
time I've seen my mother cry ever since I was
born; the first time was when she begged me
not to go back to Mihle after she found me
almost dead at her doorstep, the second time
was now. I would have said three times but
when I was at her doorstep I was unconscious
so I'm not sure if she cried or not. She took me
in her arms and asked me to get up but I was
too weak, there was no more power in me. As I
sat there I realised I was shaking more than I
was crying, after that call I believed he had
found me, he was probably back and there was
no turning back.

As I laid in bed with my mother sitting at my

feet I kept thinking of the worst possible things
he was capable of doing. I found myself
wishing he'd rape me rather than kill me, I could
bare him forcing himself on me because he had
done it before but I wasn't ready to die, in fact i
was scared of dying. But then it hit me that
what was there to live for if the monster himself
found a way back to my life, it was better to die
than pretending to be happ whilst I was the
most miserable girl there ever was. I don't know
when and how I went to sleep but I remember
waking up from shock every hour or two. The
sleep wasn't constant nor was it peaceful.
When I woke up for the second time my mother
wasn't in my room but the lights were on and
the curtains closed. I took my phone to check
the time but something caught my attention,
there was a notification from a number I did not
know. I sat up preparing myself to view the
message and like expected it from uMihle...

"I do not mean any harm, all I want us to do is

talk. Hearing my voice might still scare you a bit
so we can do the bit here on Whatsapp. I want
to see you, I want to tell you how sorry I am but
text doesn't have that much effect hence the
plea to meet you. I don't expect you to be okay
with but please think about it. You don't have to
come alone. Ndiyakucela."

I think I read the text about five to six times

before I tried responding but I could not
howecver there was a lot I wanted to ask him,
starting from wanting to know who gave him
my number to why he wanted contact with me
so badly. I wanted him to know the damage he
did to me. How I trusted no man around me not
even those who had no intention of hurting me.
The nightmares, the trauma of never going out
at night, the dark side of knowing I would never
be me again. How I chose death because it
seemed better than the hell life I was living and
that was all his doing.
Entry 182
Mihle

Before the event that was going to take place in

Cape Town for all South African soldiers, I
decided it would be wise if I went home to visit
my father's grave first.
Last year around about the same time I
returned home to a cheating Nomthandazo. It
wasn't something I saw with my own eyes but I
suspected it when I arrived home and she
wasn't around until close to midnight, and when
I did question her about her whereabouts she
gave me an attitude. I hit her, something I regret
doing to this day but I was angry and I knew she
cheated. She kept telling me I had no proof but I
felt in me, and that was why I never stopped
searching until I found out who the guy was.
She told me she had plans with her friends that
night before I could even ask her to attend the
event as my date, I respected her plans and
allowed her to go only to actually be allowing
her in another man's hands. Now you know the
reason I asked Aphindiwe, a part of me
obviously wanted to go with her, I mean she
was my girlfriend but the main reason was
because I feared history would repeat itself.
And this time I would lay a hand on the one
person I wanted to better myself for. I was a
man who never showed any emotions except
for love and hatred, even with that love my
expression of it was limited, I did not want to be
taken for granted just because I loved too much.
I always left a space for my partner to know
that I could leave them at any time so they
couldn't feel irreplaceable.
The reason for my decision to go home a week
before a big day was because I woke up feeling
like something tragic was going to happen, and
I been feeling that way for more than three days
now. Ndandinexhala endandingalazi uba
lisukaphi and it agitated me. I was told from a
very young age that as an African person if
something did not feel right then it meant
something wasn't right, and as an African
person kwakufuneke nditshise impepho and
call upon my ancestors.

I flew to Port Elizabethe on a Saturday before

constantly begging Aphindiwe to stay in Belville
until I was back, which was something she was
furious about because Nomtha wasn't making
her stay the easiest. My mother was expecting
me because I told her about this feeling I was
having, I reported it to Dabawo as well who told
me to attend to it before it came in the form of
nightmares. There wasn't much I was going to
do there, it wasn't a ceremony which needed me
to slaughter some sheep, ndisile, it was paying
respect to my elders and asking for guidance.
I arrived home that Saturday and stayed home
the whole day with the urge of wanting to face
time with my baby but I could not because she
was under the same roof with Nomthandazo. It
was funny how Aphindiwe feared Nomtha more
than she feared her father, Tatomdala and
Mamomdala. It was Nomthandazo she
complained about, whom she worried about
rather than her parents, I mean they were the
ones who were going to kill her once they knew
we were still together. My mother had bought
me impepho to burn at the grave yard
yasekhaya and because I was flying on Monday,
I decided I'd do all that on Sunday evening. I
woke up on Sunday and lazied around at home
with nothing to do, my sister and mother were
at church, leaving me with that huge house all
by myself. After cleaning to a level which I
presumed was enough for my mother I returned
to my room, took a shower and went back to
the main house to watch some soccer until they
got back in the afternoon. Zizipho and myself
drove to the shopping complex and bought the
few items mother said she needed in order to
make a Sunday dish. When i returned I took
home to ekhay'khulu to see the rest of the
family, I stayed there chatting with my aunts
and uncles until it was time to head to the
graveyard. Unlike the while culture we did not
have a graveyard far from home where it looked
like we had abandoned our loved ones, our
graveyard was in the garden, situated right at
the bottom of the garden.
I was standing with my uncles at the bottom of
my father's grave where I knelt and burned the
traditional herb and placed it on his grave
Me: "BoFhaku, boThahla, boNdayeni,
ooYindlana abahle, nani boRhadebe
Mthimkhulu, Makhulukhulu, oBhungane abahle,
ndiyayiqonda bazali bam uba inoba kushukuma
indawo kuni ngiba ndingoyena mntana
abenimcingela ngoma kulendawo kodwa
ndibethwa kuxakeka booNdayeni. Andizazi
ndithini bazali bam kodwa ndithi bandizocela
indlela nokukhanya. Ndinemibono embi (sighs).
Immediately after saying the latter sentence my
thoughts traveled to Lelovuyo and I felt it hit my
heart, painfully.
"Ndinemibono nexhala and ndiyoyika uba
yimibuyo yokwakukhuhlakala kwam. Ndicela
ukukhanyiselwa bantu badala basekhaya,
ndicela ukukhanyiselwa Tata. Ndiyakucela
Fhaku, ndiyakucela Tata."
I swallowed the lump on my throat and stepped
aside when I realised I could not speak anymore.
The eldest of my uncles took a step forward
and addressed his two brother laying at rest
along with other family members. We left the
traditional herb burning, it had to burn out on its
own, I walked in between these old men as we
headed out of the garden. I don't know if it had
to do with belief but when I stepped out of that
garden a apart of me felt like the weight on me
was removed but I still felt the fear at that tip of
my heart.

I had booked a flight in the evening that Monday

so during the day I drive around in my mother's
car, alone because all my gents were out of
town and at work. I had just parked the car at
the shopping complex when I lifted my face and
my eyes met the figure of the one person I was
hoping not to see. I wanted to address her yes
but not after my plea to my elders yesterday, I
had to stay purified for a couple of days right? I
could not do bad to another being. I sat in the
car and watched her walk besides another girl,
laughing like she had forgotten her problems.
They walked in at Spar supermarket for over 10
minutes if my calculation was right since I was
under some weird nerves, before coming out
holding a plastic bag full of some items. I
stepped out of the car and made sure it was
locked before approaching her, I did not want to
scare her nor did I want her to run so I
approached her from the back. When I was less
than a foot from her I poked her back, it was
better than literally touching her or calling her
name, which would have sent her running like a
mad woman.
She stopped talking and turned to face me, I
don't why but instead of looking at her face my
eyes dropped to the plastic bag which now laid
on the floor
Me: Ndicela unga scream(i) please (Please
don't scream)
I don't even she heard me because she
mimicked a statue and remained still. Her friend
on the other hand was looking at me like she
was the one who was about to scream, I did not
know the girl but she probably heard stories
about me or was too young when I still lived
here. I shook my head at the friend when she
opened her and she left it hanging, it took me by
surprise really, how could someone who did not
know me be that scared of me.
Me: Lelovuyo, jonga ntombi I promise not to
hurt you but can I talk to you for a minute.
She shook her hand multiple times and stepped
away from me. You know I hate this the most,
someone walking away when I'm addressing
them but I was challenged to put those nerves
aside and beg her. I picked up the plastic bag
and handed it to her, the friend extended her
hand causing me to withdraw the bag. Her eyes
did not leave my mine, she didn't even blink
ndikuxelele
Me: Ndicela uxolo. I know you might not give a
damn because usuka kum and it definitely won't
fix what I broke but I am sorry.
You know how you look when you're holding
back sobs, how your mouth keeps shaking
because you don't want to be heard that's what
was happening to her. She brought her hands
up to her cheeks and wiped the tears off with
the jersey she was wearing but they kept
coming
Lelovuyo: Why ngoku? Why now?
I could barely recognize her squeaky from the
crying she was doing
Lelovuyo: Kutheni uzotsho ngoku after what the
damage you've done to me?
Me: I tried contacting...
"Stop lying! yYeka uxoka, you never tried. Not
even with a damn text, you never tried!"
I opened my mouth to speak but had to close it
again because my heart ached seeing her like
this. And maybe she's right, trying for only a few
months after four years of realising your
mistake wasn't trying at all, I could've contacted
her the minute she changed homes because of
me. I could have said sorry then
Lelovuyo: Asoze utshintshe. You'll always be a
liar, an abus...
I nodded wanting to accept the fact the she let
that word out, the word which felt like a knife in
my flash
Lelovuyo: I hate you. Ndiyakucaphukela.
Me: You don't and you know that. It's how I
made you feel that you hate and not me.
She kept quiet and attempted wiping her
cheeks dry again, she was about to speak when
I took a huge step towards her, and without
taking into note what I was doing my lips
crashed into hers. I was hoping she wouldn't
respond so I would know she really did not want
this but she froze for a split second before
parting her lips to accept my kiss. I was about
to run the tip of my tongue on her lips when
Aphindiwe appeared in my mind, I pulled back
and looked at her. The same shock which
consumed me was what I saw on her face,
that's when she took a step back and for the
very first time slapped me. When she brought
the second one I grabbed her wrist and stopped
her by pulling her close. She kept her eyes on
me with her head tilted up so she could face me
"I came here hoping you were dead already. But
I guess rapists live longer right?"
I freed her wrist and extended the plastic to her
again, and this time she grabbed it out of my
hand, hurting my hurt with her natural nails in
the process. I turned and walked away.
I was avoiding hitting her, probably choking or
dragging her to the car. I was avoiding this thing
I felt which made want to tell her that nobody
ever spoke to me like that and nobody was, but
she did and I wanted to kill her but I knew if I did,
I would fly to Cape Town in the worst state ever
and that whatever anger left in me I was going
to take it out on the wrong person. So I
surprised myself and walked away.

Entry 183

Lelovuyo

I watched him walk away and I felt a part of me

tear; I felt like I had betrayed myself and
allowed him to touch me. My vision was
becoming blur and my mind was drifting to
many other painful things he had done to me. I
knew he never meant to kiss me, that action
wasn't from a good place but rather to see if I
was still weak under his touch and I reacted
when I wasn't supposed to. The sound of the
car wheels scratching against the tar road
interrupted my thoughts, I watched his vehicle
leave the shopping complex
Pinkie: Masambe Lelo (Let us go Lelo)
I gave her a small nod and walked besides her. I
don't even know why I was crying for situations
I got myself in, I mean I could have expected
that from him and I was supposed to be
prepared for something like that but instead I
acted like a naive princess under some stupid
spell.
Pinkie: Uright?
Me: Ha.a
She sighed and continued walking but I stopped
about a step away from her, causing her to stop
in her tracks as well
Pinkie: Yintoni? (What is it?)
Me: Ndifuna uthetha naye (I want to talk to him)
Pinkie: Ubani? (Who?)
Me: Mihle
Pinkie: Ngoba? (Why?)
Me: Ndifuna u...
Pinkie: Ha.a Lelo toro, ndicela sihambe (No Lelo
please, can we just go)
Me: There's something I need to know from him
Pinkie: Yintoni leyo? Can't you see uba la bhuti
hasn't changed na sani nah? (What is that?
Can't you see that man hasn't changed dude?)
I stopped talking and tried to calm my breathing,
his home was just a few yards away from
where we were and I grew the nerve to storm
into that yard and confront him. Pinkie looked at
me for a while before she turned her head to
look in the direction I was staring
Pinkie: You know you're not supposed uba
ungene phaya (You know you're not suposed to
enter there)
Me: I won't
Pinkie: And you think uzothetha nawe phandle?
(And you think he'll talk to you outside?)
Me: He will
She threw her hands in the air prior to dropping
them to her waist, she challenged me
"I don't even think you regret udlwengulwa
ngulamfana yazi (I don't even think you regret
being raped by that guy you know)"
Me: Excuse me?!
Pinkie: Ukuncamisile for crying out loud and you
allowed him! Isn't that something to you?
Me: Kissing and raping are two different things!
Pinkie: Well raping starts there!
Me: I think ngowujika undiyeke ndizigodokele (I
think you should turn back and let me walk
home by myself)
Pinkie: Good. But as your friend, I wish
umamakho ayazi lena into for your own good.
As she walked away I grew the urge of picking
up the stones scattered around and throwing
her with them. She was swinging her arms
angrily as she hurried the opposite directions. I
turned around and hurriedly dragged myself
down the almost empty street. Children were at
school and adults at work so it was only the few
people who had nothing to do with their lives
who were around, people like me. I was almost
a yard away from his yard when I came to a halt
almost straining my ankle in the process, the
car he was driving was parked in front of the
garage. My fear returned. Maybe telling Pinkie
to go wasn't such a good idea after all. My
steps were suddenly cautious as if I was
passing a yard with a huge dog and trying not to
wake it up. I could tell someone was watching
me, I knew he was watching me because that's
what my mind and gooesbumps kept telling me.
When I had finally passed the gate at least, I
sprinted down the street like a crazy lady. I did
not care whether I looked crazy, I was running
away from Mihle because I suddenly did not
feel like talking to him anymore, instead when I
felt his hawk eyes on me I knew I had to get
home ASAP.

I never mentioned any of what happened that

day to my mother, I could not. Like everybody
who knew what had happened to me, what he
did to me, if they knew I allowed him to kiss me
they were all going to see me a bitch, I mean
who allows their rapist to touch them and not
hate it?
I was standing in the kitchen listening to my
mother talk as I thought of this. Well let me be
honest, ndanding'mamelanga to what she was
saying ngoba ndandizicingela lento
Me: Mama yazi ndicinga la therapy ingasebenza
(Mother you know I think that therapy would
come in hand)
She licked her index finger and thumb cleaning
the flour she had on her hands
Mama: Une nightmares futhi? (You have
nightmares again?)
I nodded, unable to speak the lie, the gesture
felt a little better
Mama: Ubungatshongo uba awusenazo? (Didn't
you say you don't have them anymore?)
Me: Not kakhulu kodwa ndiyacinga uba
ndiyamrhalela umntu endinothetha naye (They
aren't much but I'm thinking I would like to talk
to someone).
She nodded and pulled out her Nokia Asha. She
dialed a number and placed the phone against
her ear
Mama: Molweni tata unjani?
I could tell it was my father she was talking to
from the smile she had on her face. It was
funny how much she still loved my father even
after putting her through so much. My father
was a typical man who had gone to Gauteng for
work but ended up taking a Sotho woman as a
second wife, my mother being the type of
woman she is, she gave up on her marriage.
They weren't divorced but they weren't seeing
each other like they used to. I believe she still
loved him because of the way he cared for his
children, I mean through this struggle of mine
he was always present. I recall when I wanted
to go for a check up because I was falling
extremely sick, he flew to Martizburg when my
mother couldn't and was there in hospital with
me. He thought I had some fetus left overs in
me but apparently it was a goldstone infection.
He was a father to us and a good one, I don't
know about being a good husband to my
mother though.
She left the kitchen still on her phone and gave
me the space to finally breathe. I wasn't sure
how comfortable I was talking to someone but
ever since the previous day I been feeling some
type of way and it scared me. I was probably
thinking too deep into things but I was curious
as to why I did not hate his touch. Why didn't I
hate it when he kissed me like I had anticipated
I would.
When she stepped back into the kitchen I
couldn't wait to hear what she had to say to me
Mama: Utatakho uthi uzoyifaka imali engange
R8 000 enzele ukwazi uqala ezi session. Kodwa
ke mntanam uyayazi ukhomntu owenza lonto
apha eloction so funeke uyohlala noSiyabulela
etown. (Your father said he will deposit R8 000
for starters so you can start the sessions. But
my child you do know there's no therapists here
so you'll have to go stay with Siyabulela in
town).
I cringed and pulled a face before she turned to
see what I was saying about her suggestion. I
gave her a blank face. I never lived with my
brother before but I knew it was definitely hell, I
mean he was capable of locking me in the
house when he goes to work just to make sure I
was safe
Me: Uthethe naye kemama uba andiphathe
kakuhle (You must talk to him then mother, to
at least treat me well).
Mama: Lelovuyo...
Me: What? Uyamazi unyana yakho uba unjani
(You know how your son gets)
She smiled at me whilst shaking her head. I
hopped out of the kitchen to my bedroom,
feeling relieved that I was somehow finding
closure in all of this. My heart was already at its
healing process because he said sorry and now
I was going to find out what his actions might
have meant. I was somehow hoping I would be
told he still loved me, I do not know why but I
just wanted to hear that.

Aphindiwe

I saw Mihle on Tuesday, the day after he

returned from Port Elizabeth. I had to lie to my
uncle and aunt and tell them we had an event
for first years at school so they could allow me
to leave, it was all lies, I was sleeping over at
Belmar. He fetched me in town that afternoon
and before heading to his place we went
grocery shopping. He really hated takeaways
and only devoured them when I was craving
them, or else he cooked. I picked up his off
mood first thing when I stepped into the car but
presumed he must have been tired, but I
realised later back at his place that he was still
grumpy. He cooked with his music on whilst I
was on my phone and watching television, we
weren't talking much. I was bored and irritated
by his attitude, I was well aware that if I wanted
us to talk I had to start the conversation. I
dropped my feet from the couch and pushed
them in my slippers before dragging myself to
the kitchen where he was. I leaned against the
counter and watched how concentrated he was
as he chopped the spinach
Me: Are you sure bekuright ekhayeni?
Mihle: Ahh.haa
He said nodding in the process
Me: It doesn't seem like it.
He walked to the sink and rinsed his hands, he
turned to face me while wiping them dry
Mihle: Kutheni uzocinga lonto? (Why would you
think that?)
Me: You been grumpy since ndifikile kuwe.
He narrowed his eyes and watched me, I
stopped brushing my weave and looked at him.
I thought he was going to defend himself but
instead he said
"I'm sorry. Kukho nje into endihluphileyo
(There's something that didn't sit well at heart)"
Me: What is that?
Mihle: Ndizokuxelela, not ngoku kodwa
Me: Okay
I was about to head back to the lounge when he
stopped me asking me to dish up some ice
cream in a bowl for us. I took the biggest bowl
because my man had a very sweet tooth,
sharing candy with him would leave you
unsatisfied, he fed a lot on these things. We sat
on the counter and had some silly
conversations before shifting it to the event on
Friday. He jumped off the counter every once in
a while to check his pots, that was before he
stood in between my legs and placed his head
on my chest
"Uthi injani le lokhwe yakho?"
Me: Uzoyibona babe.
Mihle: I promise you if it shows your nipples.
I tried holding back a laugh because he kept on
repeating that, I never thought he loathed this
nipple free thing so much
Mihle: Aphindiwe.
Me: It doesn't Fhaku.
Mihle: Ubuthe when do you need to go shopping
for this dress?
Me: Ngomso
Mihle: I'm coming with you.
Me: Hayi!
Mihle: Ndihamba nawe.
I folded my arms on my chest and pulled a face
at him. He scooped a spoon of gravy from his
stew and tasted it before he closed the pan and
turned off the stove. When he turned around he
came across my face and chuckled
Mihle: Qumba Nhanha but I'm coming with you.
Me: Uyadika evha?
Mihle: I know Mambhele wam.
He walked up to me after dropping the apron
and cooking glove next to the sink, he laid his
head on my lap and brought his hands around
my waist.
Me: The food smells good, uphaka nini?
Mihle: Let me have this as starters kuqala
He kissed my private part over my leggings and
ran his tongue on it. I could not even close my
legs because he was in between them so I
brought my hand between my thighs and
covered the sensitive part. He was fiddling with
the waistband of my leggings attempting to pull
them off. I was fighting him, kept on toss and
turning on the counter but careful not to roll
over the edge. The house was filled with
laughter and his husky chuckles warmed me. I
knew I wanted him to eat me out but it was
more fun when he begged for it
Mihle: Nhanha?
Me: Mhhhhh?
Mihle: Khayeke kaloku.
I shook my head and fixed my leggings which
were as low as my thighs. I was about to sit on
my butt since I was laying on the counter when
he literally lifted and threw me over his shoulder
then marched towards his bedroom. He
dropped me off the bed and pinned me under
him, his lips making trails down my neck, his
heavy breathing was the one thing which was
going to turn me on because his hands were
still on the bed. He positioned himself in
between me and slowly pushed his manhood
against mine and sucked on my neck while he
breathed out a "fuck".
He hovered over me and watched me, I was
refraining from blushing but it wasn't working.
He pulled his t-shirt over his head and licked his
lips, he was in the mood and I liked it.
Me: Will you tease me kqala?
Mihle: Anytime
I closed my eyes blushing like I was crazy as I
pulled my leggings off, he helped me get them
off my feet. He leaned forward close to my ear
and whispered
"Turn around, I want it from the back."
And he did it everything from the back. He
kissed me from the back, finger fucked from
the back, penetrated from the back, played with
the back, licked from the back and as satisfying
as it was it killed me because I wanted to kiss
his lips, lick his abs and touch him where I could.
Entry 184

Lelovuyo

When the week came for me to attend my

therapy sessions I actually felt like I needed
more therapy than I thought I did. My anxiety
was over the moon, I felt I was stepping into
depression and drowning in my own misery. I
must have been overreacting and over thinking
but I have never been to therapy, I did not know
what it was suppose to feel like but the fact that
I had to talk about the pain someone I once
loved put me through did not sound like fun to
me. My brother was gone to work on that
Tuesday and I had to drag myself out of bed
and prepare for the day ahead. All the great
things I were wishing to hear there were
suddenly not important to me, I did want to go
anymore but I ended up going anyway, it was
my father's money deposited there.

After a long twenty minutes of catching two

taxis I was finally sitting at the beautiful
reception waiting to be called next. I had a
boring Home magazine in my hands browsing
through it just to pass time and to ignore the
aircon which was making that room cold. I was
finally called after a long ass time sitting there, I
don't know how many times I blew out some
calming breathes before walking through that
brown door. Behind the huge desk sat a
coloured woman with spectacles at the bridge
of her nose, she looked up at me and smiled
"Lelovuyo."
Me: Yes ma'am
Therapist: Take a sit my baby. Right there
I looked around the room and comfortably sat
on the leather couch while placing my sling bag
next to me. She looked in her forties and quite
stylish, you could see in her outfit and the
decoration in her office. She was jotting some
ink in a form before she closed what appeared
like a note book and looked up at me
Therapist: We can start.
She moved from her chair holding another book
and a pencil, she sat on the couch opposite the
one I was seated on and sighed
Therapist: Let's start casual, there's no need for
us to be formal we'll be friends until you're
feeling better. Call me Betty or Ms Richards
Me: I think Ms Richards will do.
Ms Richards: Good. So how are you feeling?
Me: I'm okay
Ms Richards: Are you, really?
I nodded. She smiled at me and shook her head
prior to placing her writing equipment next to
her then intertwining the fingers of both hands
together.
Ms Richards: Lelovuyo, look my dear, for us to
understand each other I need us to be fully
honest with each other. That's how I'll manage
to help you
I nodded, feeling embarrassed to be caught red-
handed
Ms Richards: So let's start over. How are you
feeling?
Me: Nervous. A little off I think
Ms Richards: Mind telling me why?
Me: Never been to therapy before, I thought I'd
be excited about it
She laughed and fixed her sitting position, she
placed one leg on top of the other then laid
back on the couch
"What was it you felt exactly before coming
here?"
I filled her in about my different moods, the
changes I've been undergoing from last week
until I sat on that couch in her office. She kept
nodding to indicate she was listening, there
were smiles here and there and some giggles
as well. She gave me all the time to explain until
I smiled back at her and told her I was done
Ms Richards: You see young lady if we can talk
about why you came here the way we did now,
then I promise you we'll be making some
progress.
Me: I did send the report
Ms Richards: And I received it madam but I
want you to tell me the story.
I slightly nodded and stared hard at the bottle of
water on the other table on my right. My throat
was suddenly dry and I felt a bottle or two
would be helpful.
Ms Richards: You want a bottle of water
Me: Please.
She stood up and walked cautiously to the table,
she took two bottles and handed me one before
opening the other for herself. I took a couple of
gulps before resting and taking a few breathes,
I went back to downing almost the whole before
while she stared at me surprised I think, I
couldn't read the look she was giving me
"Ready?"
She asked when she saw me close the bottle
Me: I think.
Ms Richards: No one is ever ready to speak
about their problems. Take your time
Me: So I'm here because I can't heal much from
wounds I had six years back.
She nodded and leaned back on the couch, her
face signalled that she was listening attentively
Me: When I 13 years of age there was a guy I
met up with, who lived around the same area as
me. I really loved him and we dated for a period
of two years and some couple of months. He
abused me.
I was thinking that's all she needed to hear but
she narrowed her eyes and said
Tell me from when you started seeing him."
Me: Okay. I saw him at a party and threw some
charms at him (smiles) he was like the one
thing I actually concentrated on at that party the
minute I knew he was there, then I finally got his
numbers and one thing led to another we dated.
Ms Richards: You were never forced to give him
sex before he proposed the relationship?
Me: No. He said it after the second day of
meeting him at our special corner that he was
thinking we should take it to the next step.
She smiled and nodded
Me: The first year of our relationship was a bliss,
I mean I felt lucky to have him in my life. He
spoilt me, made sure I was always safe and felt
protected. He was the sweetest person I ever
came across
Ms Richards: Were you guys active at this point?
Me: Sorry?
I knew exactly what she meant and heard her
clearly but I wanted her change her statement
hence I asked again. I felt embarrassed talking
about my sex life
Ms Richards: Were you already sexually
engaging with him?
Me: Yes
Ms Richards: When did you start?
Me: Having sex?
Ms Richards: That as well
Me: I uhmmn, started at 12 years when I broke
my virginity then him and I had sex the second
after I agreed on starting a relationship with him.
Ms Richards: And you did not think that was too
soon?
Me: To be honest it crossed my mind but I felt
obliged to do it because I wanted him to stay.
Ms Richards: Okay. Carry on
Me: He started being violent a year after we
dated. I'm not entirely sure how long it was after
our anniversary but he started off by slapping
me because he found me standing with another
male
She tilted her head to side and furrowed her
eyebrows
Ms Richards: And this male what was he to you?
Me: A friend. I would have never cheated on him.
Our area is too small and he would have found
out sooner so I didn't do it.
Ms Richards: From the first time you accepted
his proposal to when he first slapped didn't he
show any temper symptoms or any sign of
being violent?
Me: He was an angry but he never laid a hand
on me. I remember when he&apos;d come see
me angry I knew we'd have sex at that time
because it was his only way of distressing. At
first I never loved it because he was always so
rough but I adapted to it
Ms Richards: And you ended up loving it?
Me: Yes. (Chuckles) I would actually get bored
when he was gentle and being soft.
We kept quiet. I was quiet because I thought
she was going to ask me a question from the
way she was looking at me but when I realised
she wasn't I broke contact and focused my eyes
on the beautiful coffee table between us.
Ms Richards: Do you want to continue?
I nodded.
Me: He hit me, gave me a slap when he saw me
with that friend of mine. Apparently he had seen
me in the afternoon and was still mad about it
in the evening when I saw him but I do
understand why he was angry, I lied to him.
Ms Richards: You are defending him?
Me: I am?
Suddenly I felt some type of way. Was I? She
fixed her position of sitting and looked straight
into my eyes
"You are. Are you saying he was okay slapping
you because you lied to him?"
Me: No but...
The look she gave me made me stop talking,
this whole thing was overwhelming. When I
returned my eyes to her she forced a smile on
her face
Ms Richards: Let's continue tomorrow alright.
Me: Okay
Ms Richards: When you get back home I want
you to have fun, don't think too much about the
things said here, what we discuss here will stay
here until we've found a resolution. This must
not ruin your mood or happiness okay?
Me: Thank you.
Ms Richards: I will see you tomorrow.
I plastered a smile on my face and headed for
the door, when I was behind those brown doors
my frown returned. I understood she said I must
not think of any of the things we spoke about
phaya, but was that how she portrayed my
reasoning, that I was defending him? I could not
be defending him. I mean it was impossible. I
leaned against the gate and shut my eyes, I was
feeling dizzy and I couldn't make out whether it
was from thoughts or hunger. I had only shared
20% of the whole story with Ms Richards and I
felt like quitting already. Shit was still about to
get real.

Aphindive

It was Friday and I was getting for the gala

evening held at Cape Town Sun Conference
venue. I was sitting in front of the hairdresser
perfecting my makeup which Mihle urged I don't
apply at all. The type of dress I was going to
wear forced me to have make up, even if it did
not, I couldn't step into that place full of
glorious people looking like that pineapple
yogueta lollipop which has freckles. He was
busy on a phone call standing in the middle of
the room, with an apple in his hand which he
kept biting and chewing whilst speaking. I
glanced his way more than once, that was
enough for him to pick the hint and stop what
he was doing but he chose to ignore me, on
purpose bethuna ngoba wayendibona uba
ndidikwe njani. My irritation had me thinking
what more could that other person on the line
be feeling, he probably couldn't wait for the call
to end.
When he did end the call and throw his phone
on the bed I stopped applying my mascara and
asked him
"Ayikho enye indlela onolitya ngalo elo apile?
(Isn't there another way you could eat that
apple?)"
He turned and looked at me, I could his mind
wasn't in his head because he just stared at me
as I spoken and pardoned me after I finished
my question
Me: Yeka (Nevermind).
Mihle: Intle lo makeup, uyacaca uba nguwe
( You're makeup is beautiful, you look
recognizable.
Me: Thanks. Do I ever not look like myself
kodwa?
He chuckled and I knew something doltish was
going to come out of his mouth
Mihle: Well uqala kwam ukubona (Well the first I
saw you
Me: (laughs) Suxoka!
Mihle: Nyani. I couldn't tell whether you were
dark or light
My jaw dropped and I could refrain from
laughing, he was such a terrible liar, I knew how
perfect my make-up always looked, I could open
a tutorial channel on YouTube if I wanted to.
Me: I bet you don't even remember how I looked
that day.
Mihle: Haisoka tshini, what do you take me for?
Me: Ndixelele ke bhuti
I placed my highlighter next to my makeup kit
and spinned on the chair to face him, he was
seated on the bed. He licked his lips and gave
me a look I couldn't quite make what it meant,
but it was cute.
"I do remember you couldn't get your eyes of
me. That I know."
Me: Mxm awandibhora
Mihle: (Chuckles) but we both know
wawundijonga nje (but we both know you were
looking at me)
Me: And how do you know that? Because you
kept staring as well
Mihle: Only because I felt your eyes on me
Me: You're so big headed.
He shrugged his eyebrows and stood on his
feet. I went back to what I was doing while we
continued talking. He told me how much of a
lust attraction he had on me the second time he
saw in the kitchen having cereal but he never
viewed me as the type of a person he was to
date. I wanted to know when he discovered that
I was but he never told me, even to this day and
I too am thinking just like you, it was right after
he had sex with me.

When I was finished with my makeup and hair I

fit my body in my dress, careful not to stain it in
any way possible. Mihle was fully dressed by
then so he helped me with zipping the dress
and tying my shoes, obviously all of this came
with a lot of complaining. We bought a whole
pizza only to eat three slices from it, I devoured
only one because my ass wanted to keep space
for the foods at that event, food which Mihle
wasn't so thrilled about. He was so quick to
judge, telling me to eat the pizza because there
wasn't any normal meat from those types of
foods which were served there, for a while he
forgot not all of us were meat crazy.
We left the house a little too late and he was
blaming me for that, I knew he said at 19:00 we
must be leaving the house but when the time
passed and no complaints came from him I
thought he didnt mind, now in the car at 19:43
and he wouldn't stop talking about how bad I
am at being punctual and that he actually had
to tell me we're leaving at 17:00 when we
actually will be leaving two hours later. When I
tried justifying myself he raised his voice at me
telling me I was speaking nonsense so I kept to
myself. Guys, to the venue it was approximately
a twenty minutes drive and he spent that whole
twenty minutes talking about my bad
punctuality. I did not even understand what the
fuss was about because we weren't the only
people late, well maybe I would have felt guilty
if we were the only ones but there were over
thirty other people still at the parking lot or
making it through the gate.
I looked his way and saw how irritated he
actually was so I decided to play different and
show him I cared because I did
Me: Fhaku
He looked my way, his eyebrows furrowed. I
smiled at him and stared right into his eyes, at
first he looked back at me with a straight face
but finally chuckled
Mihle: Khandiyeke (Leave me alone
Me: Ngxesi kaloku Nyawuza wam. Uxolo bhuti
He turned away from me and was about to
open the door when I questione
"You forgive me?"
He nodded
Me: Mbaaa ke.
Mihle: Are you serious?
Me: Ewe
Mihle: I'm half way out the door already
Me: Haaa you haven't even opened the door
Mihle: Jonga, jonga
He opened the door and hung his feet out while
I kept telling him to stop because he wouldn't
want to give me the kiss in that position. H le
groaned and pulled himself back in then turned
to me, he stuck on his tongue and leaned it.
Because I was used to that already I sucked on
it for merely two seconds and he parted his lips
and accepted mine. It was always that tingly
feeling I got at the bottom of my stomach every
time we had physical contact whether it was
from his touch or kiss. My hand found its way
to his pants and I traced his manhood over the
pants he was wearing and he instantly broke
the kiss, gently holding my hand as well.
Mihle: Ha.a
Me: Uxolo
I said unable to wipe the smile I had on my face,
he shook his head and opened the door while I
flipped the mirror in front of me to see that my
hair and makeup were still proper.
We finally made our way into the venue and my
eyes couldn't believe the beauty I saw. The
various military groups and uniforms were
beautiful, both the men and women looked out
of this world. There was the Air Force which
was dressed in navy camouflage. There was the
Army which was also in camouflaged uniform.
Mihle pointed another group in navy and told
me those were the Air Force Reserve Command
and the Air National Guard.
I leaned against him and whispered
Me: Then which group do you fall under?
Mihle: The Navy baby
Me: Oh. I forgot mna
He chuckled shaking his head in the process.
He had told me this before but my blonde ass
always thinks the Navy in the military is the
team dressed in Navy uniform. Before we made
it to our seat he was greeted and stopped by
many people and a couple were interested as to
who I was. I recall when he was stopped by a
group of men in the Army and there was a
different vibe to them, it was as though he was
more than excited to see them than the rest of
the people he greeted. It was the first time he
let my hand go and shifted his attention to the
six men standing with us. His hand only
returned back to me, on my back, when one of
them asked
"And this beautiful lady is?"
I was about to answer when he did for me
Mihle: She's Aphindiwe.
"She's got a mouth right? Let her answer."
Mihle: My fiance<br>
Suddenly they all turned their eyes to him and
there was silence. The different looks on their
faces made me look up to my man and he had
the most serious face ever. One of the men
chuckled then laughed
"Wait wait. Ore fiance? (Did you say fiance?)"
Mihle: Ya. Problem?
He managed to ask between short laughs
"Nee nee man, waka bra. Mihle wena ntwana
z'khiphani ngawe grand grand?"
Mihle: (Chuckles) tomorrow after party bra.
Worry not.
"Ahh geen bothata bro."
We walked besides them and headed to the
reserved chairs. Mihle instructed me to go to
the sixth and check for our names whilst he
was talking to some white men he addressed
as Captains. I never have smiled that much
when I saw the name 'Aphindiwe Gabavu' next
to his chair, so we were married already huh? I
comfortably sat on my seat and placed my
handbag down, I scanned the overly packed hall
looking at these people who were so occupied
in their conversations. There was only a small
percentage of us people who were brought as
dates, we were easy to identify because we
were the only people seated, some of us too
preoccupied with our cell phones. I captured a
couple of selfies to upload on Instagram and
Facebook, well I was that much of a social
media person.
There was a stage in front of us, one decorated
in the most beautiful way and around the room
portraits and photos of people I assumed were
heroes hung on the wall. Mihle finally made his
way to me and found his seat next to mine.
Immediately when he was seated I asked
"So we're married now?"
Mihle: Huh?
Me: Ndingu Gabavu ngoku?
He laughed and bit his lower lip, he held it
between his teeth and grinned at me. I couldn't
help but smile back at him
Me: I want a ring on this finger then
He took my hand and looked at my ring finger
Mihle: And it would look damn good on you
right?
I pulled my hand away because I wasn't
expecting him to play along. No matter how
much I loved him I was not ready to be called
someone's wife especially not his. Do not get
me wrong ndandimthanda uMihle but the man
had a lot to fix about himself before taking in a
wife, he wasn't ready to commit fully, not ready
to share everything he felt with his wife nor was
he ready to sacrifice some things for his wife's
happiness. The man generally wasn't ready for
that stage in life. I was about to say something
to him and I noticed the movement of
everybody heading towards their seats, there
was a woman in the Navy uniform standing at
the stage in front of the mic. She pleaded that
people take their seats one more time before
heading off the stage.
The program was a pretty simple one; speech
after the other and a mention of names here
and there. Every principle or chairperson of that
branch had something to say as well the other
executive members. There was a list which was
read, a list which contained the names of
soldiers who did something positive or gave
back to the world for the past three years. There
weren't asked to stand or received an award for
it but it was just to honour their existence. As
the list was read I realised every name
mentioned had a reason behind it; the name of
the individual was called, the department he or
she worked in and why he or she was honoured.
When I heard Mihle's name I almost jumped off
my seat from excitement, I couldn't hold myself
when they read out that he saved a number of
six children in Sudan during the explosion and
war which was taking place there in 2015 and
that last year, 2016, he donated an amount of
R800 000 to the orphanage home in Somalia to
children who lost their parents during the
shootings and bomb explosion which happened
there. Forgetting where I was I started clapping
and had people's eyes and heads turn our
direction that's when I realised I was doing
something I wasn't supposed to do. Mihle's
hand was already holding my hands stopping
me from making an embarrassment from
myself. The man who was announcing gave me
a smile and a nod before he continued. We were
asked to give a round of applause when they
were done with all names but I couldnt wait.
Mihle was looking at me trying not to smile, I
shrugged my shoulders at him and he finally
smiled and whispered
"You didn't have to."
I whispered back
Me: What do you mean? That's a great thing to
do Fhaku
He nodded and looked forward again. I poked
him and he turned to me once more
Me: Can I kiss you for that?
Mihle: Nini ngoku? (When now?)
Me: Ewe (Yes)
Mihle: Ha.a
He faced the front again. I took the chance to
lean forward and place a kiss on his cheek, he
squeezed my hand which he was holding but
didn't look at me. I moved back and tried
remaining on my seat but the news I just heard
seemed to burning something in me so I leaned
forward again and found his ear
"I love you."
I whispered. He then looked at me and placed a
kiss on my forehead
Mihle: I love you too baby, kodwa you need to
calm down kengoku.
Me: Uxolo
We continued listening to those hour speeches
and all those boring other stuff. There were also
slideshows of photo captured in other African
countries, videos which were shown as well
from all the good moments to the sad one
which had my attention throughout. When the
show came to an end we were told to depart to
where we'd be serving ourselves and we were
welcome to leave after that. That show took
something close to five hours before we were
dismissed. By then I was starving like hell and
could probably eat half of the people in that
place.

We returned home at 02:20 and I was more

than annoyed. Not because I was hungry, I ate
more than enough at that place, all sorts of
foods but I couldn't drink, Mihle prohibited me
from doing so. There were wines and
champagne available at that place but sadly I
wasn't allowed to touch nor smile any of those
because I apparently could make a fool of
myself when drunk. Now back to the reason of
me being annoyed, I was annoyed because a
girl was drowsy and couldn't sleep much
because of that late event. I felt Mihle could
have told me it was more of a 6 to 6 so I'd
prepare myself, I had the thoughts that at we
would be homw at ten or maybe eleven in the
evening.
When we entered the house I did not even head
to the shower like Mihle wanted us to, I was
throwing pillows on the couch telling him how
much he didn't understand.
Mihle: So awuzohlamba? (So you won't bath?)
Me: Ha.a
Mihle: I'll wake you up ufika kwam Phindi yazi
Me: You can't do that.
Mihle: I can't?
Me: (giggles) okay you can but don't toro.
Ndidiniwe baby
Mihle: Yizohlamba (come shower) and you'll be
okay.
I shook my head and he smiled, assuring me
that he was seriously going to wake me up
when he returned to bed.
I attempted not falling asleep but I failed
dismally so I ended up sleeping but was woken
up just when I was starting to drown into sleep.
He placed a kiss on my shoulder and mumbled
something I couldn't hear. I tried shaking him
off me but his arm was around my waist so it
was useless anyway. He pulled me closer prior
to moving his hand to my neck and began
rubbingit gently. My eyes had that stinging pain
and I refrained opening them because I realised
the light in the bedroom was still on. I thought I
had won that one and presumed we were
sleeping but when his hand traced the
waistband of my g-string I knew he wasn't
sleeping. I smacked his hand away but he
returned it, I smacked it again. He grabbed my
butt cheek tightly enough for me to open my
eyes and let out a scream
"Mihle!"
Mihle: Baby
He was calm as ever when I turned around to
face him
Me: Ha.a ndifuna ulala Mihle (No I want to sleep
Mihle)
Mihle: Uzolala kaloku Nhanha (You'll sleep
Nhanha)
Me: Nini? (When?)
Mihle: Now
Me: Good.
I couldn't even close my eyes with this man
around me because as I tried he did something
to wake me up, either play with my eyes trying
to open them or playing with my mouth. His
hand was all over my face
Me: You told me to behave phaya at the gallah
but wena awubehave ngoku
Mihle: Sizolala ngo4 (We'll sleep at 4)
Me: Are you serious? And what time is it now?
Mihle: It's five to 3.
Me: Ngo half three. (At half three)
Mihle: Baby you do know we're going nowhere
in the morning and the casual event starts at 5
so we can sleep all we want during the day.
Me: I want to sleep ngoku.
Mihle: Ha.a
I heard him fiddle while my eyes were closed
and the next I know there were teeth on my ass.
I laughed softly smacking his head but instead
he continued biting and licking my butt cheeks.
Me: You're not even turned on for lento
uyenzayo (for what you're doing)
Mihle: And so?
Me: You only do this when you want to hit it
Mihle: Well I could. Uyayifuna?
I kept quiet because I wasn't quite sure if I
wanted to say no. I knew for a fact the minute
his lips were on mine he'd be in me in no
second.
Mihle: I just want us to talk.
Me: About what?
Mihle: Anything
By now his finger was in between my thighs
tracing my womanhood over my panties. I was
trying so hard not to react but I was failing. Half
of my body was uncovered because he
removed the blankets from me. I was about to
say something to him when he sucked on some
part sensitive on my thigh, I felt my blood
rushing and my butterflies awakening. As I was
laying on my side he found his way between my
thighs, his head between my legs. When my
other leg hovered over his hand I felt him move
my panties to the side and before I knew it his
wet tongue touched my clit.
Me: Ubuthe you want us to talk.
Mihle: Singathetha nangoku
Me: Mmmmm
His thumb was rubbing circles around my pussy
whilst his tongue was doing wonders on my clit.
I didnt know whether to move towards him or
away from because it was starting to feel so
good. He gently pushed his thumb in me and I
closed my eyes, the body loving this and I felt
hot. He stopped sucking and pulled back
"Aren't we talking?"
Me: Huh?
Mihle: Asithethi? (Aren't we talking?)
Me: We are.
It was a whisper because this man was still
teasing me, he was doing some small strokes
using his thumb.
Mihle: Then say something to me love
"I love you."
Mihle: Nyani?
I gave him a slight nod which he did not see
because his eyes were focused on my private
part. Maybe I did not want to sleep anymore,
maybe him doing what he was doing was what I
wanted after all. I decided we would sleep in the
afternoon when I whispered to him
"Don't you want them off?"
He chuckled and bit my inner thigh when he
realised what it was I was talking about. After
that eating me out session, I wanted to practice
my deepthroat on this man.
Entry 185

Nomthandazo

Since I knew about the event which was being

held at Century City, an event I presumed
everyone in the Western Cape knew about, I
decided I was going to attend it. I was going
there with my friends and Sivuyisiwe. It was an
event I attended the previous years with Mihle
and now I was going without him but because I
was looking forward to having fun, I was keen.
Sivu kept on pistering the idea of me getting
myself a man to mingle with because I was
more like a depressed single mother and she
hated it. I wasn't depressed but I just did not
know what to do with my single life as yet, and
because I was exhausted from nursing my boy
to working I assumed I complained about life
on a daily basis.
Sivuyisiwe was out with her blesser and had not
slept home on Thursday but she was returning
after work because we had plans. It was funny
how our parents complaint whenever she went
out with her man or maybe they weren't used to
having her out of the house. Well she never had
much luck in men, she was single most of the
time or pushing men away but with this man
who was almost 20 years older than her, she
seemed just happy. Apparently udaddy was
settling a divorce and my fear for my sister was
how he might just hurt her during the process, I
mean you can never trust a man until you know
his full story right?

My mother was helping me with my search for a

nanny and so far nothing seemed good. I was
under so much pressure because Azola would
be returning back to shchool, and the
compensation she demanded for looking after
her nephew was also beginning to drive me
crazy, I expected her to do from love. There was
a day I had to drive from work to home during
work hours because of her phone call, she
called me crying saying she did not know what
was wrong with Lakhe he wouldn't stop crying
so I had to rush home to see what was wrong
with my son.There were many other incidents
before mom and I decided I needed a well-
experienced nanny because with Azola around,
my son would just die and that would mean the
death of me as well because his daddy would
strangle me to death. Speaking of which, I
missed him but was currently focusing on being
with him, as hard as it may have been, I thought
I was making progress. Progress I were to test
today evening. When I returned home later in
the evening because I had to treat my gel nails,
my mother was already home thank God, and
she had already bathed Lakhe for me
Mama: Molweni
Mama: Yentombi uyazilibala uba unosana (You
forget you have a son)
Me: Uphi? Akusanuki kamnandi ukukutya
(Where is he? The food smells so good)
Mama: Azola uyamtyisa (Azola is feeding him)
I picked up the spoon next to the ingredients
and stepped towards the stove, my mother
smacked my hand away just when I was about
to dig in the pan with creamed spinach
Me: Ndiyacela mama, okwe taste ke (Can I have
mother, even if it's to taste.)
She allowed me to dig in, nothing too much, and
told me to step aside when I had a spoon
Mama: Anifuni upheka ingxaki (You guys don't
want to cook that's why)
Laughing, I made way to the lounge where
Azola was seated with my son. I leaned forward
and placed a kiss on his forehead before
smiling at my sister
"Usisthandwa kodwa wena Azo. (You're a
darling Azo)"
Azola: Ugqiba udikwe ndim (And then you get
irritated by me)
Me: Not always nje.
I sat opposite her and held my child's hand.
Nothing bored me like how much I carried him
for nine months, loved him before I even saw
him, ate all nasty things because of him. I
undergone changes and he came out looking
like his father. I was still sitting at the lounge
talking to Azo when our father walked, followed
by his first born. I left Azola with my father and
Lakhe in the lounge to go prepare myself for the
night ahead.
We arrived at the venue three hours after the
starting time and there was already little
parking available. I could not believe my eyes
when I saw how many cars were already there, I
thought Mzansi people loved free things but
that day I discovered otherwise, maybe R200
wasn't much money after all.
Buhle: Niyabona ngoku bendithe masihambeni
early it's because I knew kuzobanje (You see
when I said we must leave early it's because I
knew it would be like this)
Me: But we'll find iparking.
Sivuyisiwe: And to think bendicinga sihambe
ngo9
Buhle: Besizoma phandle ke sana (We were
going to wait outside)
After a long struggle we finally found the
parking and a way inside. It was already full and
people were holding glasses of champagnes
and chatting among their circles. Only a 2% of
the people there noticed you when you walked
in, and half of that cared to stare your way, the
venue was just too full. There was a woman
performing on stage, singing some soul music
softly. A number of people who worked the SA
Force were dressed in their uniforms but a
great number of soldiers weren't, babeswenke
bemanzi. We walked over to the drink area and I
requested a cocktail before we found ourselves
a table at the table area. Immediately after we
found ourselves seated my eyes roamed
around the room, in hopes that I would see him,
or at least he see me. Something close to an
hour passed before it was announced that the
starters and main courses would be available in
less than thirty minutes, that was when the
chefs and cooking team walked placing their
plates, cutlery and other equipment. I was on
my way to refilling my third glass when I
spotted him, he was seated at a table with a
few other guys, there were two girls with them
as well. My heart hammered against my chest
as I made way to the table, I was approximately
18 feet away from him but suddenly I was
nervous, a feeling so unusual. I returned to the
table and sighed
"I just saw uMihle."
Sivuyisiwe: Uthini? (What is he saying?)
Me: I just saw him kula tafile wethu,
akandibonanga (I just saw him on that table, he
didn't see him)
Buhle: Singayo hlala nabo? (Don't you want us
to go sit with them?)
Me: I don't have a problem
Sivuyisiwe: Go ask him kuqala, he isn't alone
kaloku so we can't just invade their space
Me: I will be back.
I got off my seat and fixed my white shirt which
I had tucked in my jeans, with my glass I made
way to their table. He saw me before I arrived at
their table and I saw him close his eyes, leaning
back on his chair. I refrained from turning back
because I knew him better than anybody, he
wasn't happy to see me
Me: Someone's not happy to see me.
I finally said when I came to a stop next to his
chair, he faked a smile and looked up at me
"Nomthandazo."
Me: You can't be that bothered to see me
Mihle: No I'm not. I'm just surprised.
Me: Oh well
Mihle: Uzenabani apha? (Who did you come
with here?)
Me: Sivu noBuhle
Mihle: Greet combination
I smacked his shoulder and pulled a frown, I
knew exactly what he meant, he was referring
to something we once did when him and I were
together. He chuckled and looked around the
room, I sensed he was looking for someone but
I didn't want to ask and bore him. I had over a
month not having seen him, he once dropped by
my house whilst I was at work and brought
some clothes for the child. I felt he was
avoiding me in a way but I was going to ask him
that later
Me: AboSivu bafuna uzahlala nani (Sivu and
Buhle want to come sit with yáll)
Mihle: And wena? (And you?)
Me: Nditheni mna? (What did I say?)
Mihle: You don't want to sit here?
Me: Mxm, siyeza.
Prior to walking away I greeted the people
around the table as well, Nkululeko was one of
them. We returned to their table with our
handbags and glasses before finding seats and
getting into the conversation. Sivuyisiwe went
with some guys to dish out some foods for all
of us whilst the rest of us were left behind
chatting. My eyes were concentrated on Mihle
who was sitting opposite me chatting to Buhle
and I before his eyes shifted from me and
looked behind me, I noticed he wasn't paying
attention on me anymore and his eyes held a
message, so from curious I turned and almost
choked on my drink when I saw my dearest
sister standing about a foot away from us. Was
I even allowed to say sister nah because she
was more of a witch to me than anything else.
She was with two girls who looked at her
confused as hell
Me: Oh wow.
I felt my heart drop to my stomach and I
suddenly regretted being here. For the first time
ever since I meet this guy I had nothing to say,
nothing at all and I think it shocked the both of
them as well as my friend. When Sivuyisiwe
returned she had the exact same shook I had
when her eyes landed on a peaceful looking
Aphindiwe
"Haibo ntombi ubekwa yintoni apha? Please
don't tell me you guys are still."
Mihle: Sivuyisiwe please
Sivuyiswe clapped her hands and looked at her
Phindi, her concentration was on her younger
sister while mine was on the man who
continued disappointing me.
Sivuyisiwe: Aphindiwe?
Aphindiwe: Sivu
Sivuyisiwe: Yintoni usiphoxa kanti? Didn't you
say kum lento wawuyenza noMihle you left it
behind
"Friend what's going on here?"
A coloured friend of hers enquired and I
chuckled, so these bitches didn't know
Aphindiwe: Nothing
Me: You know what's funny Mihle, kuba
ungandixelele that your so-called girlfriend is
here. Why did you lie to me nah futhi?
My tone was still very low and two other guys
weren't aware of what was happening while the
other one was still trying to calm Sivuyisiwe
down because she wouldn't stop talking. The
bitch lied to us!
Mihle: I was telling you what you wanted to hear
Nomthandazo.
Aphindiwe: Mihle ndicela sihambe (Mihle can
we go?)
Me: Niyaphi? (Where are yáll going?)
She threw a disgusted look my way and that's
when I lost it, I was the one who supposed to be
waging her, almost at the edge of puking. She
stood up and grabbed her bag stepping away
from the table that's when I grabbed hold of her
arm and roughly pulled her but not for long
because her mysterious man stood on his feet
and gave me the most deadest look
Mihle: Let her go.
I looked at him and the look he was giving me
was daring me to go against his orders so I
freed her hand.
Mihle: Phindi
Aphindiwe: What?
"Okay I don't what's going on her but these girls
are ruining our night."
Me: Before you talk shit, ask. Your friend here
who is supposedly my sister is fucking my man
"And so what? He chose her right?"
Damn this coloured girl had a nerve.
Aphindiwe: Mihle can we go?!
She yelled a little louder this time earning his
attention, he was raging with anger as he broke
eye contact with me and looked at her
Aphindiwe: Please.
He looked at her for a while before I saw him
melt under her stare and plea, that hurt me even
more from jealous because never a single day
has he been that soft to me. He grabbed his
phone, car keys from the table and looked at
me for what seemed like the last time. I don't
know why but Aphindiwe mouthed a "I am
sorry" to me which meant nothing as all, instead
made me hate her even more. I sat there and
did not fight back, instead watched them walk
away. I felt defeated. Maybe I had to let them be,
such people deserved each other anyway.
Entry 186
Aphindiwe

There was silence in the car and my mind was

racing. I couldn't help it anymore, I wanted to
talk to this man but I just didn't know where to
start, I had to start somewhere though. It
seemed the two of us were angry and I couldn't
make out why he was angry. He kept on
gripping tightly on the steering wheel and
gritting his teeth. I wanted to ask what he was
fussing about because I was the one who
should be frustrated, I couldn't believe his guts.
As for my girls, we left them behind at the event,
they assured me they would request a cab or
call Andrew because we all used Mihle's car as
transport
"Are you sure you're going to be okay?"
Luthando had asked me before I closed the
front door, I nodded planting a okay smile on
my face,I was going to be just alright. Kim
signaled that she would call me before we
drove off and now there we were somewhere in
the streets of Cape Town and I was feeling naar
Me: Why would you do that?
My heart was aching, I was trying so hard not to
cry because nothing was as painful as feeling
not enough to the man you gave your all to
Mihle: Do what?
He looked at me then back at the road ahead of
us
Me: Invite Nomthandazo over. Why would you
do such?
Mihle: I didn't invite anybody
I chuckled and opened my mouth to talk but
ended up closing it again. I shook my head, so I
was the fool here. He looked my way again
"And then why was she there?"
Mihle: Ndizoyazelaphi mna lonto? (And how am
I suppose to know that?)
I laughed from hurt and clapped my hands to
every word that left my mouth
Me: Couldn't you have at least told me she was
coming so ndizothatha esam esgqibo and
stayed at home rather? Couldn't you have at
least paid me that much respect ke xa caba
awundihoyanga? (Couldn't you have at least
told me she was coming so I could hvae had
time to make my own decision and stayed
home rather? Couldn't you have just paid me
that much respect since you don't about me?)
He narrowed his eyes at me and stopped at the
stop sign longer than he was permitted to.I
opened my mouth and attempted to speak but
swallowed my words back, it always felt like I
was being punched in the stomach when he did
shit like this. I stared outside the window and
tried consoling myself but turns out that was a
bad idea because I began crying
Mihle: Aphindiwe?
He was quiet for more than ten seconds before
he called my name again. I moved my hand to
my face and wiped my eyes with the back of
hand, still staring at the dark night outside
"Khange ndibize Nomthandazo. She was
probably there and caught a glimpse of me
ngoba ndibone ngaye sele esiza at our table."
From the first word that came out of his mouth
I detected a lie, I kept on shaking my head, he
wasn't convincing at all. Like any other time, I
felt he was lying his way through because he
knew I would forgive him. I searched my
handbag for tissues and pulled out two to
properly dry mt face
Me: If that's the case then why didn't you tell her
I was sitting there?
He sighed and passed a glance my way before
looking at the road again
Me: I mean you could've told her right but you
can't because she's always the first person to
protect when it comes to her and I
Mihle: Doesn't it cross your mind that if I still
loved or cared about her ngendithe we must
stay there so I can watch you shutter instead,
awuyicingi lonto?!
Me: I don't even know why you're angry?
Mihle: Because you're trying so hard to implant
this imaginary shit and make me someone I'm
not?!
Me: That's because you're fucken giving me
reasons to?!
Mihle: Mind your language xa uthetha nam
(when talking to me)
Me: Fuck that!
He chuckled dangerously and turned off the
engine of his G63 because we had made it
safely home by then. I did not even feel this ride
because he was driving too fast, and I for one
was very upset. I stepped out of the car and
literally stormed to the door. I almost face-
palmed myself when I arrived at the door and
realised he had the keys and he was probably
going to take his time just to allow me throw
away this cheek I had. I don't what it was he
was doing in the car but he took forever inside
there with his leg hanging out the car, prior to
finally stepping out and locking the car. As he
approached me his eyes were glued on me, he
shook his head as he opened the burglar. He
pushed the door open and I invited myself in but
was stopped by his painful grip on my wrist, I
snapped my eyes on him
"Uyandilimaza! (You're hurting me!)"
He freed my arm and looked at me,
simultaneously closing the door
Mihle: Yintoni ingxaki yakho? (What is your
problem?)
Me: You're not going to turn tables apha and
play the victim Mihle. Okanye inoba ucinga
ndisisdenge sakho, that's why we're in a
relationship.
Mihle: Isdenge santoni?! Amdithi ndiyakuxelela
uba khange ndibi...
Me: Suxoka! Suxoka man! What type of a man
are you? Why don't you ever want to own up to
your nonsense?!
I beyond angry then, I was throwing my bag in
the air not giving a fuck if the handles tor. He
was looking at me, his lies keeing him quiet for
once. I turned on my heels about to proceed to
the bedroom when a thought crossed my mind,
I knew I wasn't supposed to say what I had in
mind but I wasn't the only one to sleep with a
broken heart. I turned and faced him, he looked
furious but I couldn't careless
"Yazi yintoni, it's funny how you're allowed to
communicate with girls even your ex for that
matter, call her over whenever it pleases you
and make excuses about umntana but I have
one male friend and you threaten to kill the
whole Cape Town for that."
I nodded, finally accepting the toxic rules of this
relationship
Me: Yaz Andrew was right, I deserve someone
way better than you. It all makes sense now
why you threatened to kill him as well (chuckles)
because you knew very well he could replace
you because he's man enough.
That mythical creature I hadn't seen since the
day he murdered Bafana was back but he didn't
scare me. To be honest I didn't know and still
don't know what it is about Andrew which
fucked him over but whatever it was, I knew it
was working
Mihle: Phuma.
The shock which consumed me would have had
me choke on something if I were eating or
drinking. Was he kicking me out?
Mihle: If you want him then get the fuck out of
my house! Phuma!
Still astounded I remained where I been
standing. He took huge steps towards me and
believe me when I say I never thought I would
ever be that fast walking backwards but he
caught up with me anyways, and dragged
towards the door. Okay, the aim was to get him
angry not to be kicked out. I fought back but
man was too strong for me. When we arrived at
the door I held onto the sides of the door but he
continued pushing and pulling me outside. You
can imagine at this point I was using all
strength I had, my weight as well but no
progress, instead holding unto the door frame
made me break my nail that's when I let go and
that was my mistake right there, I was outside.
He dropped me to the ground and turned but I
caught up with him before he made it to the
door
Mihle: Ukhange ulinge.
I removed my hand and started begging him. I
wasn't crying, I don't think I was going to
anyway. He made way to the door and I
followed him but it was shut in my face. First
thing that came to mind was hit the door but I
didn't want to catch the neighbors attention
with such negative behavior because the next
thing, I would be seen as the girl who's being
abused by her boyfriend so I refrained from
doing anything not worth doing.
Me: Fhaku, I'm sorry. Uxolo Mihle
I could hear him curse and swear inside, maybe
he was trying to calm himself down. I knew he
could hit me, he was capable so maybe he was
going to open when his anger had subsided. But
I was getting cold, my bag was inside I couldn't
help but feel like he wasn't going to open so I
pleaded that he at least give me my jacket and
cellphone but still dololo .I think I might have
seat on that stoop for an hour before he threw
the door open and made his way to the
bathroom. I knew I heard something shutter
against the wall when I was outside and I wasn't
mistaken, vase pieces were scattered among
the floor and on the wall where the vase had
made contact the paint was gone. I followed
him to the bedroom but stopped at the door,
scared to get in. I took multiple sighs before
softly opening the door
Me: I'm sorry.
He slowly lifted his head and stared hard at me,
without blinking or making a single move. I
folded my arms over my chest because I was
shivering from being cold and scared.
Me: Mihle please say something
Mihle: Ndicela uhambe
Me: What? I'm sorry Fhaku
Mihle: Hamba Aphindiwe
My vision became blurry but I didn't want these
tears to fall so I turned and went back where I'm
coming from. I actually didn't know whether to
sit on the couch or make way through the door
but after weighing the two decisions for about
two minutes, I grabbed my jacket on the floor
as well as my handbag and stepped out of the
door. As I walked towards the gate of that
estate I was praying not to ever regret this
decision, I was praying that he would at least
contact me when he was better. I hate to say
this, but I was crying, even when I contacted
Kimberely asking her to come get me. She did
come but not with her car, nor Andrew's thank
God, her blesser was with them. They made
sure not question me until we arrived at Kim's
flat.

I was holding a glass of water my mind thinking

of the worst scenarios ever and every time I
thought he'd dump me, I felt this pain in my
heart.
Luthando: Phindi
Me: Ya
Luthando: What happened?
Me: I'm probably getting dumped tomorrow
Kimberely: Is it because of your sister? Why
didn't you tell us you actually took him from
your sister?
Luthando: Kim, now is not the time.
Me: No, yes. Actually I don't know
Luthando: Do you want to talk about it?
Me: No. Not now okay, Kim can I sleep please?
Kimberely: Yes baby. In fact, lets all sleep.
Kimberely allowed me to sleep in her overused t
-shirt and we pressed unto each other on that
double bed. Kimberley always slept next to me
whenever we were at her flat, at that night she
had her arms on each of my shoulders and her
head snuggled on my back
Kimberely: He will come around babe okay. I
know he will, he has to.
Me: Something's telling me we won't be the
same again even if he does come around
Kimberley: Don't fear the unknown. That man
loves you
Me: I doubt he does anymore.
Kimberely: That's nonsense.
Me: And you know what I think?
Kimberely: What?
I kept quiet for a long while before lowering my
voice and silently praying as these words left
my mouth
"I think I've lost the good I had in him from
tonight onwards."
Kimbereley: What do you mean by that?
Me: Nothing.
I was hoping I meant nothing but I knew exactly
what those words mean and I was praying that
he wasn't lying on that bed thinking I was with
Andrew.
187 Entry

Nomthandazo
I downed another shot and asked for another
round as I sucked on the lemon I was holding
Sivuyisiwe: Futhi?
Me: Ewe another one bhuti.
I said hitting the counter. We were long gone
from the event because we couldn’t drink the
way we wanted there, we had to keep our
dignity and be well-behaved, but I wanted more
drinks especially after the dramatic shit which
just occurred about two hours ago. Sivu shook
her head stepping away from the counter
“Ha.a I can’t mna, three shots down already, I
don’t even think I can keep my balance.”
Me: I’ll drink it for you.
Buhle was aside me trying hard to impress the
bartender, she was literally leaning over the
counter about to fall over the other side. I held
her forearm pulling her back
Me: Uzowa!
Buhle: Asoze.Ndifuna lomfana ingathi
uyatabana apha (Never. I want this guy who
seems gay)
Me: Guy?!
I shouted signalling to the feminine looking guy,
he turned around and looked at me bouncing
his head to the music
Me: Are you gay?
Buhle: Nomtha! Excuse my friend, she’s drunk.
The guy laughed it off before handing us our
shots which we emptied in a matter of thirty
seconds. I pushed my shot glass towards the
bartender and nodded
“Another one?” He inquired and a nod was the
only gesture I could give him as I was trying to
handle the burning sensation from the shot I
took. Sivuyisiwe pulled me away saying
something to the guy. The club was all of a
sudden appearing fuzzy and I knew I had to
take a seat so I asked Sivuyisiwe and she
walked me towards our table where Buhle was
already seated
Me: Ufike nini apha, bendicinga usa flirta
nalamfana (When did you get here, I thought
you were still flirting with this guy.)
Buhle: Haisoka, esastabane (Argh, that gay)
Me: Didn’t you want him kanti?
She just waved her hand at me before opening
her Ice Tropez. I searched my handbag for my
iPhone and unlocked it, going straight to
whatsapp. I texted my sex buddy asking if I
could come over after this night out and his
response like always, was him requesting my
location. An evil idea came to mind and
because I was drunk, couldn’t careless and
wanted to do it anyway, I did it. When I was
done I had to convince Sivuyisiwe that I wanted
Aphindiwe’s number only because I wanted to
tell her she could have Mihle, I was done over
him, she didn’t buy my story but gave me the
number anyway. Having screenshot the
conversation and pictures, I sent her the
screenshots with a message accompanying
them, I was hoping she would hear that
message loud and clear.

Mihle

Being furious was an understatement, I was

displeased and felt belittle. I could count the
times she had compared me to Andrew on my
right hand and probably exceed on my left hand,
I couldn’t take it anymore. If there was anything
any men hated was being compared to their
enemy, an enemy whom your girl seemed to
have liked because if she didn’t she weren’t
going to mention him every chance she got. I
stared at the glass of whiskey I had in my hand
before passing a glance to my wristwatch, I
could have been asleep now but with that much
anger and so much in mind I could not find any
sleep. I wanted to call her and ask if she was
safe, I wanted to ask her to come back but my
anger wasn’t allowing me, and having her here
would m me teach her lesson. I knew only one
way to discipline a woman and it was if I laid a
hand on her. I knew very well that if I would hit
her, she would stop using her vulgar language,
certain ways she addressed me more especially
when she was angry would change and she
would also count what things to say and what
not to. But that was the problem, I did not want
to lay a hand on her even though that was what
filled my mind at that particular time. I refilled
my glass and turned on my television, trying to
preoccupy my mind with Sport News.
I did not notice time had passed that fast and
was shocked when I checked it on the television
screen and it was a few minutes past 5am. I
properly tightened the lid of the Hennessy
before getting up to place the glass in the sink. I
needed a rest, even if it was for two or three
hours.

My sleep was disturbed by a phone call from

Phumla, three hours later from my dearest
cousin reminding me about a braai at Mossel
Bay. I was thankful she had called me because
it had slipt my mind already. Thinking that they
probably were expecting Aphindiwe on my
arrival I decided to make a call to her so we
could find the time to talk and resolve things
before it was too late. Before I even made the
phone call I saw a Whatsapp text from
Aphindiwe, sent an hour before I woke up and it
was the only thing which really mattered at that
moment. There was more than one message to
my surprise but from each it was the first word
which alerted me about how important they
were

1st message
“I am so sorry, honestly I did not think what I
said was going to break your walls like it did.
Ndiyaxolisa Fhaku.”
2nd message
“I don’t think I can do this thing anymore. I
understand what I did this morning was
uncalled for but I don’t have it in me to be
constantly fighting with you over the same thing
and about the same person. I know we love
each other but when things aren’t meant to be
we need to accept and move on. I am sorry for
separating you with Nomthandazo, maybe I
wasn’t meant to be in Cape Town in the first
place because I came here and ruined
something only to be used at the end. I hope
you find your way back to her, as for me I will try
and forget we ever happened. Take Care”

Edgy, I tried sending her a message but heeded

I was blocked, then I tried calling her but it sent
me to her voicemail. I pushed the blankets off
me and got out of bed, dialling Nkululeko’s
number, he was the one person who could help
me allocate her. After calling him and
instructing him on what to do I received some
complaints but was also told that she was at
some school residence in Stellenbosch. A drive
that was supposed to be 25 minutes took me
12 to 15 minutes, I couldn’t waste any of my
time on that, I had to know why she was ending
things between us. Knowing that I had no
access to the building I lied to the security
telling him I was there to see a younger sister of
mine. I filled in the book of truth with false
information and made my way inside, dialling a
number that belonged to one of her friends
whom she had once texted me using their
phone. I was unsure who the phone belonged to,
I only found out it was Luthando’s when she
answered. She was a hard, telling me things like
Aphindiwe did not want to see nor talk to me, I
had to keep calm and try convincing her to give
my girlfriend the phone which she eventually did
after wasting my airtime and time for almost a
whole five minutes.
“Mihle.”
Me: Ndicela ukubona
Aphindiwe: Why?
Me: Because I don’t understand the texts you
sent me. Why am I eve blocked kwento zakho,
andiphumele on your calls. What’s going on?
Aphindiwe: That’s because I blocked you
Me: Why?
She sighed and I knew the question was a little
tricky for her to answer
Me: Can I see you so we can talk about this
sijongene please?
Aphindiwe; But kuhleli uzoyiphika lento.
Me: Ndizophika ntoni? What’s going on apha
Aphindiwe?
Aphindiwe: Who were you with after I left?
Me: Alone
Aphindiwe: My thoughts exactly.
Me: Undenza umsindo Aphindiwe because
andiyazi lento uyithethayo and this would be
better if we’d talk ulapha phambi kwam please
(You’re making me angry Aphindiwe because I
don’t know what you’re talking about, and this
would be better if we’d talk with you in front of
me please)
Aphindiwe: Fine. Uphi?
Me: I’m at first floor
Aphindiwe: We at 36
She ended the call before I could confirm
something. I ascended the stairs, taking them
by two each. I passed the second door and as I
was still reading the numbers, the forth door on
that floor opened and she appeared looking like
she had been crying for a very long time. I
approached her and felt myself wanting to
strangle yet kiss her.
Me: Can we go downstairs?
On that cue, Khamila stepped out in her gown
and looked at me from head to toe
“She’s going nowhere.”
I looked away trying to come to terms with this
whole thing, we were three in this relationship
but I probably didn't know. I could have patted
myself on the back for remaining calm but my
arms weren't elastic. I couldn’t be angry, not
there
Me: Cool.
They shared a look with Aphindiwe before she
repeated the look she gave me then went inside,
banging the door unnecessarily.
Aphindiwe: What do you want?
Me: I want to talk. Yintoni lento undibhalele
yona?
Aphindiwe: Yi message.
Me: You’re not breaking up with me.
Aphindiwe: I am
Me: Andikubuzi, I am telling you.
Aphindiwe: Excuse me?
Me: Unengxaki yazi, or maybe your friends have
a problem. Why every time xa unezi chommie
zakho you feel the need to separate with me.
What shit is that?
Aphindiwe: This is not about you Mihle. Could
you stop making things about you for once!
Me: Then why am I being dumped?
She stared hard at me and shook her head,
looking away. When I stepped closer to her she
moved back and pulled out her phone,
unlocking it she handed it to me. I laughed,
actually shocked about what I was seeing there.
I think my face changed about eight times as I
read those screenshots
“What the fuck!” I continued reading and
growing annoyed and angry because that was
bullshit, my son was even involved in that stupid
conversation.
Me: Fuck uNomthandazo. Damn she’s good
Aphindiwe: Are you even going to apologise?
I looked at her and tried shifting my mind from
what I just saw. I had to focus on her for the
meantime, uNomthandazo I’d deal with her xa
ndigqiba apha.
Me: I’m sorry, you being dragged in this but
none of these are true.
Aphindiwe: Okay but I’m not changing my mind.
Me: So this was your way of getting rid of me?
Comparing me to Andrew then dumping me the
following morning over screenshots. Nyani?
Aphindiwe: Can you stop making things about
you all the time? Awubona uba I am hurt apha
because I loved you!
Me: Loved? You’ve gotta be kidding me
I saw tear fall on her cheek but she looked away,
not wanting me to see her cry. She stepped
towards the door and my instincts kicked in, I
grabbed her arm and pulled her back
“Mihle ndiyeke. Just let me!”
She started punching my chest and my arms,
biting my biceps over my track top but I wasn’t
going to let her go. She was crying as she
fought me to let her go, the swear words which
left her mouth weren’t affecting me whatsoever,
I knew somewhere in her she knew none of
those were true. I pinned her against the wall
and held her face in my hands
Me: Aphindiwe.
Aphindiwe: Just let me go please.
Before I could even say another word I heard a
door open, and another, okay now I had the
attention of all these students. Khamila was
holding her phone in her hands, looking a bit
shocked
“Miles you have to let her go or else I am calling
the police. You're harassing her.”
Me: Could you shut up?! You don’t know shit
about this!
I turned to my woman and looked at her, she
had her eyes closed but the tears kept flowing
“Andisakufuni Mihle.”
Me: You don’t mean that.
Aphindiwe: You’re hurting my jaws.
Me: Look at me, ndiyakucela.
Aphindiwe: Uyandilimaza.
Me: Ndijonge Aphindiwe
It must have been the excessive pressure I was
applying on her jaws which made her open her
eyes and look at me, she blinked and freed the
tears in her eyes but they continued filling her
eyes
“I will let you go because this isn’t the proper
place for this but you will unblock me ku
Whatsapp, you will remove me from your reject
list and we will talk lie we supposed to. Xa
ndibuya eMossel Bay this will be my first stop.
Ndicela uzuphendule iphone Aphindiwe please,
andifuni silwe ngenxa yalento. Ndiyacela
Nhanha. I don't want to lose my temper over the
same thing, andifuni. Uyevah?”
She looked at me through a vision I presumed
was blurry because of the tears in her eyes. To
be honest seeing her like that hurt me, I could
feel from the way she was looking at me that
she was fighting to numb herself from feeling
anything for me. She wasn’t looking at me the
same but I wanted to explain things to her at a
place better than that. With the eyes on us, the
threats that police were going to be called were
testing my patience and I was taking it out on
her, which was something I did not want to do
in the first place. I planted a kiss on her lips and
moved away from her, looking at Khamila then
the few pair of eyes which were on us.
Me: I love you.
I turned and walked away, aggravated and sick
in the head. I wanted to take her with me to
explain my actions more than anything because
I knew being away from her for hours would
have her draw up her own conclusion. She
would end up feeding on other people’s opinion
and forgetting she knew me better than them. I
wanted her to know that when I was put under
pressure I wanted to prove a point. Holding her
against the wall like I did and hurting her jaw
was the monster in me daring somebody to call
the cops or the goddamn security for me. I
wanted her to understand that her man was
trying. I was fighting this demon every time I
was angry, and it was never easy.
Entry 188

Aphindiwe
I sat on that couch unable to think of anything
but the texts Nomthandazo had sent me earlier
that morning. What a way to start a Sunday. I
wanted to believe none of them were true but
somewhere in me I felt they were, or I must
have wanted them to be. I don't why I would
want that but I was drained to my maximum
and wanted to be free from hurt just a little
while. I overturned in the bed and faced the
sliding door, wishing the curtains were opened
so I could get lost in nature at least.
The smell of fish fingers and bacon filled the
small apartment, reminding me of how hungry I
was. I merely touched my cereal bowl in the
morning when we were having breakfast in the
morning. Now the time was nearing noon and I
still hadn't touched a single thing going to my
mouth except for water
Me: Do you think he did it?
Kimberely: I don't care if he did or did not, all I
know is that you can't keep a man who
strangles you around.
Me: You're exaggerating Kim, he didn't strangle
me
Kimberely: Well he sure acts like he does. I
mean he acts like he hits you
Me: What?!
I sat on my butt and looked at her, she was
apply Nivea lotion on her body. She shrugged
her shoulders when she read the shocked look
on my face
Me: He never laid a hand on me
Kimberely: Then what do you call what he was
doing to you? Playing?
Me: I was...
"Phindi I could literally see you wince from pain.
He was hurting you and you know that.
Me: Could you let me talk?
Kimberely: No because you'll defend his ass, so
don't it's useless.
I sighed, going back under the sheets. I had a
severe headache from all the thinking and
madness I was going through, even the
painblocks I took earlier weren't working
Kimberely: No man has any right whatsoever to
touch you like that. Yes he can hurt you
emotionally because that's what we do as
humans but physically, no. I don't give a fuck
who he is, hy moet nie.
Me: Why ubaxa kanje? (Why are you
exaggerating?)
Kimberely: I am exaggerating fok all
Me: You are.
Kimberely: I'd be damned if you'd go back to
that man. If he hasn't laid a hand on you, he still
is.
i was about to pull the sheets over my head
when Luthando walked in holding a glass of
Drostdy Hof white wine
Me: Done with ukutya?
Luthando: Yep
Me: I am so hungy
I got off the bed, following Loot
Kimberely: Wait for me guys!
When we were all gathered in the lounge eating,
I wanted to inquiry them about the decision I
took of not wanting to talk to Mihle, but I knew I
was the one who knew my love life better so it
wouldn't help anyway. We feasted whilst
watching TLC and having wine, our chats were
anything but relationships and I believed they
trying to nurse my situation. After that needed
therapy I took a long shower, trying hard not to
sob my pain in there. I have been battling with
the lump I had on my throat since he left these
premises. I was hurt because I felt like shit, I
felt like I appeared a fool to the world for loving,
for even risking losing my family for a man who
knew his agenda with me. I kept asking myself
questions he wouldn't answer, if he'd ever do
that to me, and with every piece I added on the
puzzle, I knew he was able and probably did it.
I was at that point where I wanted him to admit
he did it so I'd find closure and leave on a solid
reason, I did not want to dump him and regret
my decision later.

When I stepped out of the shower I found my

girls in the bedroom busy putting outfits
together
Me: And then?
Kimberely: We going out.
Me: Ha.a guys, we can't. I don't want to go.
Kimberely: If you're not going out then I'm
bringing the outing here.
Me: Kim
Kimberely: What?
She looked at me with her eyebrows raised. I
dropped myself on the bed and sighed, loudly
"I do not want to go out nor have the outing
brought to me."
Luthando: Don't you think you need this?
Me: No. The last time I was angry at Mihle I
ended up on Odwa's dick, had Mihle almost kill
the guy.
Luthando: Sundikhumbuza.
She squirmed, shaking her head
"But this will be different ke friend."
Me: Njani?
Kimberely: We are going to my cousin's place,
she's having a 31st birthday celebration.
Nothing big or fancy
Me: Can't. You brother will be around
Kimberely: He won't. He and Maggie don't get
along so well, so they don't talk to each other.
Me: But still. Can I just sleep? You guys can go
and leave me here, I don't mind really.
The look she gave me was both hurting yet
understanding, I almost celebrated when she
nodded
Kimberely: Fine but you better not cry when we
leve.
Me: What? Girl please.
Luthando's pity face almost made me feel sorry
for myself but I wasn't the first to be in such a
toxic relationship. I knew very well people were
going to be talking about me in campus, I was
now the girl who abused by her boyfriend
because that's what they saw when he had me
against the wall. I helped my girls where I could
and watched them get dressed, stressing about
which shoes to match with the outfit. When
they finally left I made sure the door was locked
prior to finding comfort on the couch and trying
to distract myself with the television, which
unfortunately ended up watching me.

I flicked my eyes, trying to make out the sound I

thought I was hearing. The person knocked
again, making my thought a reality. I quickly sat
up and rubbed the sleep aware from my eyes,
as I was about to shout indicating that they had
received my attention, I remembered there was
someone I did not want to see. I tip toed
barefoot to the kitchen and tried to peep
through the window to see who it was. Not
knowing the face I quickly made way to the
door and opened, coming face to face with a
coloured guy
"Waar's Kim?"
Me: Excuse me?
"Where's Kim?
Fuck this guy was rude.
Me: She isn't around. She's gone to her cousin
place for a braai or something.
He mumbled something in Afrikaans before
pulling out his cellphone and making a call. I
stood there not knowing to stick around or
close the door and head back inside but
because my upbringing wasn't allowing me, I
leaned on the door frame and watched Kim's
supposedly visitor trying to describe me to
whoever it was he was talking to. He looked at
me head to toe before handing me his phone
Me: What?
"They want to talk to you"
Me: Who's they?
"Just take the damn phone."
I took the phone and rolled my eyes at him, I
was in mood for this type of behaviour so they
quicker I dealt with him, the less time he'd spent
standing there
Me: Hello
"Who's talking?"
Me: I
"And you are?"
Me: Myself
The person chuckled before clearing their
throats
"Skatie, look baby girl I want my sister is she
around?"
Me: Oh hey Andrew, no she isn't
Andrew: Hello baby. Where is she?
Me: Gone to your cousin Maggie
Andrew: Fuck, okay. I wanted something there
but it's confidential so I have to come fetch it
then. You alone by her place?
Me: Yes, but I will be leaving soon.
He chuckled, I presumed detecting the lie from
my tone and the manner in which I answered
his question
Andrew: Give me a few minutes please, I need
this thing urgently.
Me: Cool.
He said something in Afrikaans before ending
the call. I handed the phone over to the owner
and without saying a word he turned on his heel
and headed towards the staircase. I retreated
back into the house, reminding myself to tell
Andrew to hire another messenger, this one
was an ass. I closed all curtains and made sure
the lights were on as it was already dark
outside. Just as I was about to find my comfort
on the couch with the ice cream bowl in my
hand the flat phone rang, making me groan in
irritation. I stormed towards it and answered
Me: Hello
"Ma'am there's an Andrew here for you. Do we
buzz him in?"
Me: Yes.
After placing the telephone I ran to Kim's
bedroom and pulled out a gown from her
wardrobe, my whole butt was out on these
leggings and her brother perved on me the very
first day I met him. After a few minutes there
was a soft knock on the door, a knock which
made me nervous, this guy I last saw in 2016,
four months back. I opened the wooden door
separating us and faked a smile
Andrew:Skat
Me: Hello
He stepped in, smelling damn good and looking
great in all black
Andrew: You good?
Me: I'm fine thanks how are you?
Andrew: I'm good. Why don't you ever change?
Me: How?
Andrew: The beauty.
I chuckled shrugging my shoulders. He made
his way to the bedroom asking me why his
sister had left me there alone. I lied to him,
telling him that I wasn't feeling well you, I had a
running stomach, I think he bought the story. I
remained in the lounge since I was avoiding
being in the space as him, and again he had
said what he wanted was confidential. He came
out of Kim's bedroom holding a brown envelope
which looked like it contained something heavy,
I wasn't going to ask. He looked at smiled
"What?"
Andrew: Don't you want me to take you out for
drinks?
Me: I'm really not feeling well.
He extended his hand and touched my weave
then he lowered his hand to my cheek, causing
me to step back. His eyes were always so
gentle when he looked at me, I could not even
look at him for a long time because I could do
something stupid. I think he knew his look did
magics because he always kept eye contact.
Andrew: At least walk me out then.
Me: Okay
We left the flat talking about how I rejected him.
I liked how he was making a joke out of it and
sounding bothered at all, at least it gave me the
idea that he was over me and it was a great
feeling. I mean I once kissed this guy and if he
had pursed with wanting me, I could have done
a lot of stupid things. It wasn't because I liked
him but there were always those guys whom
you knew you wouldn't mind giving a piece of
yourself if they wanted it, he was on that list. I
realized his car was parked outside because he
claimed he wasn't there to stay so he saw no
need to have to park it inside the yard. We were
standing at the passenger gate saying our
goodbyes after a short hug when a white G-
Wagon pulled up in the drive way. I felt myself
get cold from fear, I was fucken kicked out for
mentioning the guy I just physically contacted,
how could I not be scared. As Andrew was
about to leave I absentmindedly grabbed his
hand, he looked at me prior to stepping out of
the gate which I just buzzed
Andrew: What's wrong?
Me: Nothing bye.
He looked at me worried but my eyes were on
the car which had stopped running, Andrew
looked between myself and the car, twice
Me: It's okay you can go.
He looked at me again then at the car, at this
point Mihle was closing the door, his eyes
focusing on us. Andrew chuckled turning his
back completely on Mihle. He placed his hands
on my shoulders and looked at me, the sudden
in his eyes scared me
"I will stay if you want me to."
Me: No
Andrew: Is this guy hitting?
Me: No. He just doesn't like you
Andrew: I know that.
Me: Please just go.
His small eyes were focused on me, I was
hoping he'd obey me and leave. When I saw he
was going to drop his hands from my shoulders
I stepped back, rubbing my hands on the gown I
was wearing. He turned around and walked
passed Mihle, but stopping a step away from
him, I don't know whether it was disgust or
anger on his face but one of the two. Mihle on
the other side was upset, I was good as dead
"Uyaphuma okanye ndiyivale le gate sisi? (Are
you getting out or must I close the gate lady?)"
the security guard questioned, averting my
attention from Mihle
Mihle: Uyaphuma (She's coming out)
I looked at him and said a little prayer, silently.
You know that anxious feeling when you know
something is going to happen, that's what I had.
At the tip of my stomach, I felt like I was going
to throw up from fear because for the very first
time I knew he was going to hit me. I stepped
out of the gate and stopped feet away from him.
Andrew's car was still in the driveway but its
engine was running, I wanted him to go
because the more he stuck around the more
angry Mihle was going to get. I knew the minute
Mihle did something stupid Andrew was going
to feel the need to protect me and it would
anger him even more.
Mihle: Sondela baby (come closer baby)
Me: Uxolo Fhaku
I never realized that I spent half of my time in
this relationship apologizing, it never bothered
me really because I was aware I was dating a
man who did not think before he acted
Mihle: Aphindiwe!
I took about four steps towards him and before
I could even reach him he approached me and a
hand made contact with my face, sending
vibration through my ear, then I was dragged by
my weave towards him, I crashed on his chest
and attempted pulling but he held a fist full of
my hair, hurting me. I heard the car wheels
screech on the tar road and a door close, before
I could even comprehend Andrew was standing
before us armed, his gun pointing at Mihle
"Laat haar gaan (Let her go)"
Mihle: Shoot
I was still against his chest and couldn't look at
him in the face as I wanted to. My nails were
digging into his skin, fear consumed me
because I knew he was going to dare Andrew to
shoot.
Me: Please Fhaku, myeke
Mihle: Shoot damn't! Shoot!
Andrew laughed and cocked the gun, now I was
crying, I was scared, I could hear the security
guards talking about police, and I knew some
students must have been looking.
Andrew: Let her go.
Mihle: I won't. Shoot if you have to.
I was aware of Andrew walking towards us with
his hand extended until his gun made contact
with Mihle's forehead that's when his hand
freed my hair and he stood tall looking at the
coloured guy who was an inch taller than him
Mihle: Do it.
Me: Andrew please, you don't want to do this.
Please don't.
I looked at Mihle and could not understand how
someone would look so brave with a gun on his
forehead. I found myself between them, as
scared as I was, with shaking hands I touched
Mihle's face and couldn't lower it because he
was holding his head stiff, looking at Andrew. I
knew begging him was a no go so I turned to
Andrew, through a blur vision I begged
Me: Please Andrew, please.
He lowered his eyes to me for a second then
returned them to Mihle. It took him a while to
withdraw his weapon and look at me, he was
red from anger. Mihle's emotions somehow
connected with mine so I didn't have to look at
him to know how he felt, I knew it from just
having him around. Feeling my knees could not
carry me anymore I dropped to the ground
letting out a wail. Andrew tried picking me up
before he lowered his figure and enveloped me
in his arms. I literally felt a painful, sharp sting
in my heart when the G-Wagon reserved out of
the driveway and unto the road. I felt my heart
drop to my stomach and a breathe of some
kind left my mouth, I wanted him to stay.
Andrew's comfort wasn't doing what his would
do. I wanted to get up and ask him not to leave
but I knew if he cared he wouldn't have left that
broken. I just wanted him to stay at that
moment but instead I heard the sound of the
engine roar itself away.
Entry 189
Mihle

I didn’t know where I was heading to but I had

to drive somewhere, I had to get away and drive
to wherever I was going to find peace at mind.
A lot of remedies were running through my
mind but none of them were getting an ass like
I always would when I was angry, that’s how I
knew this thing was different and all. I couldn’t
get the image of him holding her in his arms
and how comfortable she seemed to be feeling
out of my head; it was the one thing which hurt
me most, seeing him touch her twice that night.
I found myself parking in front of Bulelani’s
apartment before switching off the engine of
my car and stepping out, I made sure it was
locked prior to walking into the yard. Danger,
Bulelani’s pitbull was tied up at the corner of the
yard where its dogshed was situated, I would
have treated it like I always did when I was in a
good mood but that day was different from the
others. I made way to the front door and
knocked, being accepted by the mistress
herself. I looked up to her man for a lot of
things, one of them being a relationship, he has
kept his woman happy for the past 7 years I’ve
known him. After exchanging my greetings with
Inga, I made way inside and found Bulelani
attentively focused on his television screen
Me: Bhuda
Bulelani: Uyayibona lento yenziwa kule
Parliamente yenu? Le ntwana uJulius
ayinamthetho (Do you see what’s being done at
your Parliament? This boy, Julius doesn’t follow
the law)
I kept quiet, leaning back on the brown leather
couch and holding my pounding head. He
averted his attention from the television and
looked at me, he knew how much interest I had
in politics and how much I viewed Julius
Malema as a leader, so I think my quietness
triggered him to focus on me instead
Bulelani: Ugrand?
Me: Ndiyikaka Bhuda
He extended his hand and took the remote,
lowering the volume before he gave me his
usual worried look
“Wenzeni?”
Me: Uyandinyela uAndrew (Andrew is shitting
on me)
Bulelani: Wenzeni? (What did he do?)
I tried talking but the anger I felt made me
shake instead, I brought my hands to face,
cupping it. He was staring at me, giving me all
the time I needed to calm down
Me: He fucken pointed a gun at me
Bulelani: Wenzeni? (What did he do?)
He looked at me, and I could tell her was
angered by what I just told him. In this game we
played using your weapons when it wasn’t
necessary against your enemy called for a war,
he knew very well pulling his gun out at me had
consequences.
Me: (chuckles) all because my girlfriend
Bulelani: Aphindiwe uyibonile lento? (Aphindiwe
saw this?)
Me: Indenza ilaaite mos lentwana. Undenza
ingquza mos lekwekwe (He’s making me a boy
mos. He’s making a pussy out of me)
Bulelani: How was Aphindiwe involved kulento?
Me: She was with him.
There was silence. Okay here’s the thing, people
around me knew Andrew and I weren’t friends,
we tolerated each other for the sake of
business and making money, either than that
we were enemies. People around him spoke the
same story. We were business partners until I
fucked his girlfriend who wanted to be laid by
me, I did what was the lady’s wish. What
sickened me more was how he wanted to
involve Aphindiwe in this mess and she was
allowing it, she was so flexible towards him.
Now he was suddenly her hero. I chuckled again,
the me I did not want to reveal stepping out of
his hidden place bit by bit
Bulelani: Utsho njani uba ebenaye? (What do
you mean she was with him?)
I wanted to explain everything to Bulelani but
telling him I hit her would have him drag me out
of his house. His mother was a victim of abuse,
and died of depression which was presumed to
have found its way in her life because of the
situation she was continuously facing. So he
loathed a man who hit women with his whole
life.
Me: I think ziyatyana eziya (I think those two are
fucking.)
Bulelani: Mihle
Me: Ya?
Bulelani: Why uphole kanje? (Why are you so
calm?)
I picked up from his tone that he was getting
worried. Unlike Nku, he was always so quick to
pick up my mood change and how it affected
the person I was. He had his eyebrows
furrowed at me as he looked at me, waiting for
me to answer him. I knew what he wanted me
to say and I wasn’t going to say it.
Bulelani: Mihle I know that man and andiyifuni
lento ucinga uyenza. Noba yintoni (Mihle I know
that man and I don’t like what you’re thinking of
doing. Whatever it is)
Me: Uyandiqhela uAphindiwe Bhuda (chuckles)
Undenza weak. (Aphindiwe is disrespecting me
Bhuda, she’s making me appear weak)
Bulelani: Into eyenzwe nguDrew uAphindiwe
akangeni ndawo kuyo (Whatever Drew did has
got nothing to do with Aphindiwe)
Me: Intoni? She’s the fucken reason the poes
had his gun on my forehead. Ugqiba uthi
akangeni ndawo!
He stood up and walked towards the wall-unit
and opened the side which contained alcohol,
he took out a bottle of whiskey, Glenfiddich. I
was on my feet by then, my anger couldn’t keep
me seated. I leaned on the couch, with my head
buried between my arms, I knew he was pouring
some shots for us, that’s how we always tensed
down.
Me: Uyamlala Bhuda and whatever shit he’s
doing to her is working (He’s sleeping with her
and whatever shit he’s doing to her is working)
Bulelani: Uzokwenzani? (What are you going to
do?)
I stared at the wall trying to put my thoughts
together but I couldn’t think straight. Three
images kept making way in my head, and two
disgusted the fuck out of me
Bulelani: Mihle
Me: Bhuda?
Bulelani: Awuzombetha mos lomntana? (You
are not going to hit this child?)
He looked at me for a long while before I
nodded, not convincing myself either
Me: Ya
I swear I heard him curse before he placed the
glass he was holding on the table and walked
up to me. He grabbed me by the neck and
brought me close to him, our foreheads
touching
“Awuzobamba lamntana. Andifuni uvha ikaka
yoba uye wambetha uAphindiwe uyevha (You
are not going to hold that child. I don’t want to
hear shit about you hitting Aphindiwe, you hear
me?)”
Me: Andizombetha Bhuda
Bulelani: And uzomyeka noAndrew (And you will
leave Andrew as well)
I chuckled breaking free from him. He was
asking for too much, he knew very well that I did
not have in me to let that bastard go
Bulelani: The only way to play a woman is to
play her game. Don’t hit her, ungakhe. Give her a
taste of her own medicine.
I gritted my teeth not pleased with his advice
but I knew he meant good and had good
intentions, maybe if I did play the game the way
she wasn’t expecting me to, she would come
back. I sat on the couch and sighed, burying my
face in my palms
Bulelani: Ungamfundisa isfundo yena uDrew but
no blood spilling (You can teach Drew a lesson
but no blood spilling)
I smiled, knowing that I was going to teach him
more than just a lesson anyway. I knew I was
getting back to my old self when I had little,
almost to no remorse. That wasn’t how I felt
whenever I scared her the past times I did, I
always regretted making her feel some type of
way but on that day I had so much little remorse
it scared me. I took my phone out of pocket and
found her contact, I decide to send her a
message which was either going to backfire on
me or work for me. I knew she had to receive
my texts whether I was blocked or not.

As I drove to my place that evening I realised I

was more hurt than I ever was and the one thing
which tore my soul apart than anything was
thinking of her under him, inside of her,
moaning his name. It was thinking of
everything I did to her being done by that
bastard. I knew I had to find out whether they
were sleeping together or not prior to doing
anything stupid, and that thought only crossed
my mind because I did not want to rob Khamila
a brother under false beliefs. But if my
assumptions were true, I was going to bury him
myself.
I couldn't sleep a single minute when I was back
at my place in bed, I wasn't waiting for her text
back because I knew the type of person she
was, I knew very well that she wasn't going to
respond to it. She was the only thing I had in
mind at that moment, and what irritated me
was always thinking of Drew when I thought of
where she might be. My instincts were telling
me she was still around the same space as him
but I did not want to believe that. I strolled
through my phone and called the one person I
knew would help calm me down, and she
picked up
Pearl: What a pleasant surprise
Me: Hello bhabha
Pearl:How are you?
Me: I'm missing you, unjani wena?
She laughed, making me smile
Pearl: Awuxoki. I am good. What's wrong?
Me: Ulala nini? (When are you sleeping?)
Pearl: Soon, usana lwam logqibo lala (Soon, my
child just slept)
Me: Kiss her for me.
Pearl: I will. What is wrong?
Me: Why do you think there's something wrong?
Pearl: Because andicingwa xa umntu ehappy
Me: Wow
Pearl: So what's wrong?
Me: Come sleep over at my place ngomso
Pearl: (giggles) why?
Me: I need you. Remember the way you used to
open your butt cheeks for me, I need that.
Pearl: I can't, ngomso umama akekho for ugada
umntana (I can't, mother won't be around
tomorrow to look after my child)
Me: Mnike sister yakho.
She kept quiet for a split three seconds before
answering
"I will let you know tomorrow kevha."
Me: Whatever decision you take know I am
waiting for you.
Pearl: Okay.
Me: Uzofika ulindwe yenye into evha
Pearl: (laughs) okay
Me: Sleeptight
Pearl: Nawe baby.
I ended the call and turned over looking at the
ceiling wishing the one lady I loved was on top
of me as we spoke. The thought that she might
have slept stared by that motherfucker crossed
my mind. My obsession with this guy was
getting out of hand and it was a pity they were
still trying to figure out who had killed Bafana
because had he known, I was going to instruct
him to use Bafana as reference of what I did to
people who played around my territory.
Entry 190

Aphindiwe

I don't know how long I had been staring at that

text, refusing to believe what was written there.
My heart took the change of beating normally to
hammering against my chest, I felt myself
choke on the strong lump I had on my throat. I
looked my phone and stood up, going to the
sink for a glass of water. I had the thought that
one was going to be enough until I drank the
second one, removing this irritation I had on my
throat. The people left in the flat by then were
us girls, Andrew had left about an hour ago
after him and I had an argument. He was upset
that I told him I wasn't pleased with him
defending me, and I was not. I appreciated his
humanity but honestly him sticking around and
pull in a gun on Mihle was the reason I was
getting my ass dumped. I leaned against the
counter and watched the two carefree girls who
were watching some reality show. I was already
annoyed with not changing into different things,
not having my clothes nor body lotions there, I
wanted to have my clothes with me.
The time was nearing 11 in the evening and I
had a lot in mind, I knew I wasn't going to sleep
as yet with the many things I had in mind but
just to be in bed at least. I excused myself and
headed to bed with a decision already made,
that I was going to Mihle's house the following
day, for many reasons than one.

We woke up and visited the mall for a couple of

hours just to pass some time. There was an
orientation happening at school for the first
years, and queues for registration, queues we
avoided and planned we'd only go there the last
days of registration. I was dressed in an outfit
from Luthando since she was the one person in
that flat close to my body size, the only pants
which could fit me from her clothing was some
Adidas tracksuit, and getting a t-shirt from
either of the girls wasn't a problem since my
upper body wasn't curved as my bottoms. We
were at Edgars checking the make-up when
Kimberely questioned
"Are you sure you want to do this?"
Me: Why wouldn't I?
Kimberely: Because the guy hit you like two
days ago
Me: Could you stop saying that?
Kimberley: I'm sorry but I'm bothered with how
people look at you around res now
Me: I couldn't careless
Luthando: Awufuni sihambe nawe? (Don't you
want us to go with you?)
Me: No, I'll be able to face him alone
Luthando: Kuzobe kulate Phindi (it'll be late
Phindi)
Me: If uMihle wants to hit he'll do it any time of
the day, so it makes so difference noba ndiya
nini
Kimberley: I feel like you're taking this whole
thing lightly
Me: What do want me to do? Act like a victim?
She shrugged her shoulders as she got busy
with the lipsticks going through them. I was
beginning to think just because they were single
and had nothing solid with the people they were
busy with they wanted to drag me in that
category. Never a single moment did they ever
advice me to fix problems I had with Mihle, all
they ever said to pull away from him and if he
was the one he'd come back. That wasn't the
way I wanted to test my relationship.
After that long day at the mall I requested a cab
to Belmar and took the ride as nervous as I was.
On my way to his place you believe how much I
prayed hoping that he was okay, that he'd at
least be okay with seeing me. From the gate of
the estate to his house was a three streets
away, a walk I actually not happy about because
it made me more nervous the more I got closer
to his apartment. Seeing his car at the driveway
was the only sign I needed to know that he was
around, I found myself stopping and looking at
the windows, suddenly feeling like I was being
watched. I stared at the gate frightened that he
was going to come out. Let me tell you
something, that was the time I realised I was
supposed to be scared of him, all these other
times were just hallucinations and I took them
as fear because of knowing his past, but what I
felt that day as I slowly walked towards his door
was real fear.
I withdrew my hand about six times before
closing my eyes and finally knocking, ready to
face whatever was behind the door. I heard his
voice approach the door and assumed he was
on a phone call. He opened the door with a
phone against his ear and stopped talking, his
face changing immediately. He narrowed his
eyes at me, examining me from head to toe
before he opened his mouth telling the person
on the other side of the line that he'd call them
back prior to ending the call and giving his
undivided attention to me
"Uzokwenzani apha?(What are you doing
here?)"
I tried ignoring the rude question and paid
attention to his worried tone
Me: I need to talk
Mihle: At this time? Uze ngantoni? (What did
you get here with?)
Me: A cab
Mihle: At this time, do you know how unsafe it
is phandle apha!?
Me: I need to talk to you Mihle!
I knew raising my voice was the only way I was
going to get his attention. I mean he was
already judging me for being careless. He
stopped talking and stepped aside from the
door, gesturing me to get in. Ndingabe
ndiyaxoka xa ndinokuxelela uba ndingena phaya
ndipholile, ndandinexhala instead of being calm,
not having forgotten that this was the man who
dragged me with my weave two days ago,
hurting my sculp and slapping me. I did not sit
down like I always would, I didn't think I was
wanted around anyway. He walked towards me
and stopped about a foot away from me, I knew
he was still pissed from the look he gave, one
which carried disgust and pain
Mihle: Ufuna uthetha (You want to talk)?
Me: Ewe
Mihle: Then let's talk bhabha
Me: Mihle?
He stopped on his tracks and turned to look at
me, waiting for me to talk
"I'm here to get my clothes."
Mihle: And that's it?
Me: No
Mihle: Ufuna ntoni Aphindiwe?
Me: To talk
He chuckled and shook his head, licking his lips
in the process. He sat on the armrest of the
couch, his hands in his pocket and watched me
with his head tilted to the side
Mihle: Thetha
I looked at him and almost laughed at this
whole situation, I was getting upset honestly
because I felt like he was just dumping me for
no reason at all. I felt like it was something he
wanted kakade
Me: I don't understand the text you sent me.
Mihle: You don't understand it sithuba sani?
Me: Why am I being dumped?
Mihle: Awuyazi?
Me: No
Mihle: Should I remind you?
I kept quiet and stared at him, he also kept his
stare on me
Me: Akhonto endiyenzayo noAndrew (There's
nothing I'm doing with Andrew)
Mihle: And I should believe you ngoba?
Me: Because I'm not.
He moved from where he was seated and threw
his hands in the air
"Every time sisilwa kukho lentwana involved.
Every time we fight I must always find you in his
fucken arms. What fucken coincidence is that!?"
Me: I am no...
Mihle: Suthetha ikaka Aphindiwe, ndixelele lento
ndiyibuzayo. Yintoni lento oko sisilwa you run to
him?
Me: I don't run to him
Mihle: Kwenzekani? (What happens?)
I was unable to answer that. Hell like I knew
why the guy always found his way to me when
we were on bad terms.
Mihle: Ndithetha nawe Aphindiwe (I'm talking to
you Aphindiwe)
Me: Andiyazi Mihle ( I don't know Mihle)
Mihle: Awuyazi, and you expect me to forgive
you, carry on like nothing happened? (You don't
know, and you expect me to forgive you, carry
on like nothing happened?)
Me: I'm not saying that
Mihle: What the fuck are you saying!?
Me: Don't act innocent apha Mihle, silwele nje
was because you brought Nomthandazo at an
event we were supposed to enjoy together!
Mihle: Brought!
Me: You're acting like you did nothing whereas
your actions are the reason we here!
Mihle: Don't fucken compare into ezingafaniyo!
Don't you dare. Not a single day have I touched
uNomthandazo after taking the decision of
being with you. Not a single day. Yet every time
we on bad terms you find your way to him.
Azifani ezizinto.
He had lowered his voice as he continued
talking and the hurt behind it made me feel
guilty. You know that one mistake you repeated
all the time and regretted having done it but end
up repeating it regardless, it was exactly what I
was feeling towards this Andrew situation. I
always reminded myself never to be soft to the
guy, or to tell him to fuck off whenever he came
around but I never did. I could feel his eyes on
me as I stared at my feet.
Mihle: Look at me Aphindiwe.
I looked at him, he didn't look lekker at all.
Mihle: What do I lack that he has?
Me: Akhonto
Mihle: Aphindiwe
Me: Mihle?
My response merely came as a whisper, I
loathed it when he called me many times, I
knew he wasn't going to let this go
Mihle: What does he have which I lack?
Me: There's nothing
Mihle: Kodwa you always find your way to him.
He's probably doing something good. Or maybe
we should call him sibuze yena?
Me: No
Mihle: Then tell me and don't say akhonto,
clearly there is. Awukwazi uphindela emtwnini
yet there's nothing attracting you to them.
I kept quiet and silently prayed he'd let it go, I
wanted him to because he wanted me to list
things which didn't exist.
Mihle: Or should I motivate you? Ndikuxelele
why I always find a way back to Pearl? Huh?
I looked up at him, this sting in my heart going
unnoticed, he wasn't about to do this
Mihle: She makes her available when I want her,
uyandi...
Me: Please Mihle
"Then fucken tell me why the fuck you're always
going back to him? Ngoba kutheni!?"
He threw a punch on the dinning table, punching
the chair as well which made its way to the floor
Mihle: Aphindiwe!
Me: I am feeling any sort of way towards the
guy Fhaku, I promise you. I promise you
Nyawuza
His breathing was heavy, I could literally hear
him breathe whilst I was three away from him.
His chest was raising up and down as he
looked at me like a predator looking at his prey.
There was silence for a long ten minutes I think,
I don't know what was going through his mind
as he had his head on the table on his folded
arms. I wanted to touch him, to sooth him but I
feared going near him, the man already laid a
hand on me once maybe he was thinking of
doing something to me already. When he lifted
his head from the table he looked at me
through red eyes
"Can we talk some other time?"
At least he wasn't telling me that we'll never
speak ever again, that's what I was grateful of
Me: Okay.
Mihle: You can pack your bags
I nodded, cautiously walking passed him but
stopped in my tracks when I thought of what he
said to me
Me: Do you love her?
He knew whom I was talking to because he
didn't ask but responded to what I was saying
Mihle: No. I don't even see her until you're not
available for me.
I felt that scarring me still. I didn't want him
making an approach to anybody except me and
when was I ever not available for him? I made
sure I was always with him and for him. I went
to his bedroom and did something I never
thought I'd do, pack my clothes from his
wardrobe. I was trying so hard not to cry, I
wanted to install the believe that if something
was meant for you it would stick with you. As I
packed all my clothes all our memories came
flashing back to me, from the very moment I
allowed him in me in the room next to this one,
whilst Azola was sleeping in the other. How I
was trying not to moan as he stroked
passionately, how I was so nervous but the thrill
drove me to wanting more. I thought of all our
fights, everything until to this day, to that
moment I was packing my clothes.
When I was done I placed his watch on the
hairdresser and made way to the lounge, he had
his head buried on his palms as he sat on the
couch looking like a man who had family
problems
Me: Ndizohamba (I'll leave)
Mihle: I'll drop you.
Me: I requested a cab
He looked at me like he was going to tell me to
cancel it instead he nodded
"Okay"
As he looked away I looked at him for what felt
like the last time. I don't know why I felt like this
was the end of us. You know how men are, if it's
your man asking for space forget him
contacting you, he'll find ass elsewhere and
have a moment where he'll forget about you.
Men never did breaks, they did breakups. When
my cab arrived he did escort me to outside,
helped me pack my bags at the boot. He closed
the boot and walked me to the door which he
opened for me. I was about to step in when he
held my arm, pulling me gently towards him, his
hand was gently on my neck as he looked at me
Mihle: Ndiyakuthanda Mambhele (I love you
Mambhele)
I nodded, feeling some tears fill my eyes. He
placed his forehead on mine and looked in my
eyes for about ten seconds before he placed a
strong baby kiss on my lips and pulled back,
letting my arm go. I looked away, forcing myself
into the vehicle and allowed him to close the
door, I didn't even want to look at him.

After that day, four days passed without having

him call me, text me. There were times I looked
him up on Whatsapp and not a single day did I
find him online, I wanted to talk to him so badly
at least to receive a missed call from him just
so to know he thought of me. We were at the
school campus trying to help with first year
students where we could, it was hectic. It was
Friday and there was a party we were hosting.
On the 25th was Luthando's birthday so the
plans we had were for the 27th of January, on a
Friday. It was a gathering of 12 girls, a few I
didn't know off but actually did not mind chilling
around them. I was happy it was only girls
because what I did hate was getting drunk
around men because I always ended taking the
most stupidest decisions. I had a carefree mind,
thought like a bitch at times and I think I always
acted like one. I had to get used to being
manless because I was, I mean Mihle went
from calling me three times a day to not
contacting me at all. We were back at the flat,
preparing to get ready when I received an
unexpected call from Azola
Me: Mntase
Azola: You need to be home
Me: Ngoba kutheni?
Azola: Kukho ibraai for 90th birthday ka
makhulu apha ngomso and nguwe yedwa
ungekhoyo (There's a braai for Grandmother's
91st birthday here tomorrow and you're the only
one who isn't around)
Me: Grandmother kabani? (Who's grandmother?)
Azola: Aphindiwe<br>
Me: Yintoni? <br>
Azola: Uphi?<br>
Me: I'm at school<br>
Azola: Well kuyathethwa apha, awukho. (Well
people are talking here, you're not around)<br>
I sighed about to bring up an excuse, telling her
I was going to come tomorrow when she
said<br>
"Tamnci uyeza. (Uncle is coming)"
That was enough to have me change my mind
without even calculating nor weighing my
options. If he didn't find me there, around his
mother like other grandchildren I was a corpse
already. After ending the call I went to the three
girls in the bedroom, oh Mihlali was around too,
and discussed the bad news to them. Obviously
like I was expecting, I received ways of dodging
tonight and just head there tomorrow but what
these girls didn't understand was how that
could cost me my education and life in Cape
Town.<br>
Kimberley offered to drop me off since their
route was the same way, even though they'd
beabout 10Km away from where I was headed.
I was flabbergasted with the many cars parked
in and outside the yard, those inside I only had a
glance off as Kim came to a halt right opposite
the gate, her engine still running. The only view
you could have of my uncle's place was only
when the gate was opened either than that the
high walls covered everything, and it was every
house in the neighbourhood.
Luthando: Good luck
She said as I stepped out of the car, closing the
door. They knew what was up and knew that
the last time I had seen my sisters was a week
back when that whole scandal happened. I was
questioned a lot when I finally opened up to
them about how my relationship with Mihle
came about, questioned and indirectly judged,
not that I was expecting anyone to understand. I
stepped in the yard and saw faces I didn't know,
there was a huge number of young people - by
young I meant my age or half a decade older.
With my handbag and small suitcase I made
way through the lounge to the house and that's
when I wished I would have stayed outside. I
was still standing in one spot as I looked
around, taking in every face here. If I did some
quick maths adding those people and these
ones they probably added up to twenty
Mamomdala: Ntombazana
Me: Mama
She side hugged me giving me a squeeze on
the shoulder
Mamomdala: Bendicinga awuzi (I thought you
weren't coming)
Me: Bendiseskolweni mamomdala.
She nodded, wiping her hands with the medium
dish cloth she was holding
"Bulisa oodabs bakho nooTata bakho (Greet
your aunts and fathers)"
That moment I didn't quiet like started, I had to
remind all these people who I was then I'd get a
proper hug and kiss once they knew me, and
also receive a look of pity and condolence
message even two years after my mother's
passing. None of them seemed to know me and
I didn't mind actually to me these people
weren't my family, my family was back in
Mthatha. They barely knew me, others had to be
reminded about my mother, it was only when I
mentioned my father they gave me second
hugs, one much warmer than the first. I faked
smiled until I was done with the crowd, I was on
my way to the bedroom to place my bags when
I realized I did not see someone. I turned and
analysed the room then realised it was
utatomdala who wasn't around, shrugging my
shoulders I proceeded to the bedroom. Before I
could even enter I heard two bass voice and
one which belonged to Azola, I would have went
to either of the two rooms left but one, I wasn't
liked by Nomthandazo and couldn't place my
things in her bedroom, two, I thought Sivuyisiwe
might have hated me the same since that day
so I couldn't use her room either, having no
other choice I turned the doorknob and
welcomed myself. There was more than three
pairs of eyes in the room, there were four
Azola: Finally
Me: Hi
She hugged me, showing some real excitement
having me here. At least she understood
ndandingenabo ububele but I tried
Azola: Besele ndisithi awuzi (I thought you
weren't coming)
Me: I wasn't told
Azola: Uyanqaba man. Uyabazi? (You're scarce
man. Do you know them?)
Me: No.
She giggled, looping her arm into mine
Azola: Okay introduction guys, lona...
She pointed the first girl
"NguLisakhanya"
I looked at her, taking in her image. She looked
around about my age if not younger, fair size
body and she was a dark beauty, prettier than I
was.
Azola: And then the gents. NguAli lo, in short for
Alinamda and this is the boysin of the family
uNtsika. Guys this is Aphindiwe, umntana ka
Tamnci Ngani.
They all nodded, having something to say about
me. We engaged in conversations which were
okay and mind refreshing, they weren't such
bad people afterwards. I wanted to stick around
and stay in that room for as long as I could, the
less I saw the people the better it was for me.
Unfortunately the stay in that bedroom was cut
short when another unknown woman by me,
came to tell us we were needed in the lounge
for a prayer. At least there was one thing which
gave me a smile when I got to the sitting room
and it was seeing my father's face, though I felt
he had abandoned me, it still warmed my heart
seeing him. He smiled when he saw me and
opened his arms as I walked up to him, he
enveloped me in a warm hug, picking me up
along the process
"Nhanha."
That word on its own was enough to get me
emotional but I refused to cry. I was going
through a heartbreak phase you could say, and I
needed a parent or a mother to talk to about the
decisions I was taking on a daily basis but I did
not have any of that. I didn not even even I had
family until he was around and that was my
fault I know. I pulled back and accepted his
forehead kiss
Tata: Uright?
Me: Ndiyaphila Tata Unjani?
Tata: I'm good.
Me: I missed you
I said standing on his side, not removing my
hand around his waist, he smiled at me and
mouthed "I didn't", I giggled knowing he didn't
mean that because of the smile on his face. I
never moved besides him as we joined hands in
a circle and sang a Xhosa hymn before saying
a short prayer for being happily gathered there.
It was sad how I had to be part of that when I
wasn't thrilled a little bit about being there.
You'd think I was a little too harsh or
judgemental but you needed to understand I
didn't know these people, except for those who
took me in when I got there, none of them
showed interest in knowing me either. The
children of that family were highly educated to
associate themselves with people who didn't
have degrees, I mean that wasn't the type of
family I was used to. I knew of a family which
saw a child who didn't have a degree as
someone who was struggling, be itit financially
or emotionally, and needed help. You were
never seen as a disgrace to the family. I was
finally understanding where my father was
getting all that talk of his about having a child
with master's in education, it was a family thing.
Almost every person I spoke to there was either
a medicine student, a doctor, architecture or a
pharmacist. The pride they said their careers
with when you asked was what amused me,
they carried it on their sleeves. After the prayer
we feasted from a buffet type of set, the pots
and platters were sat out on the table and we
dished whatever it was we wanted to eat. I was
introduced to the grandmother too, I knew her, I
mean she was my father's mother. I knew her
years before I could even meet her, from my
father's talks and pictures.

I barely noticed the little prince wasn't around

until Nomthandazo walked into the bedroom
where we were chilling with many other people,
asking Azola to go take Simlindile from Mihle
because Mihle was refusing to invite himself
inside, he wasn't staying for long. I heeded how
her eyes crossed to me when she mentioned
his name, she was probably thinking I was
happy he was around and would want to go
with Azola perhaps, little did she know we were
apart because of her. Azola stood up, dragging
a cousin of hers along and they left the room. I
wanted to peep to see him but I knew looking
out the window was useless, the whole yard
was covered with walls. Azola returned after a
long while holding the little boy in her arms, he
was the cutest thing ever, well both his parents
were beautiful people. You would think of it was
funny but I wanted to hold him, maybe play with
him but I knew if his mother would walk in there
she would turn the room upside down.
Me: Was he with utatakhe the whole day?
Azola: Ewe, surprising right.
I nodded, extending my hand to rub the boy's
cheek
Azola: it wasn't his first time emthatha ke sana.
I don't know where he gets the parenting skills.
I giggled, thinking back to the time he was
googling on ways to make a new born sleep
because Nomthandazo had threatened him
with bringing the baby to him for a whole
weekend. I felt this pain in my heart as I felt like
there was nothing to keep in contact with him
like there was with Nomthandazo, they shared a
baby together and were to still build memories
with each other as a family. As for me it was
gone, and there was possibility nothing I could
think of which would make him want to reach
out to me.I watched her eteketisa her nephew, it
was beautiful image. I think what was more
painful on my side was comparing the love he
had for me to the one he had for his baby
mama, no matter how much I tried I'd never be
her. She was there to stay, forever and I had to
accept I was a temporary thing.
Entry 191

Aphindiwe

I think you'd be confound if I'd tell you a month

passed ndingathethi nala bhuti. There was a
time I recall deleting his number because it
came across as a reminder of something that
was no longer there. However, I never removed
his pictures, our pictures from my gallery, and I
too didn't know why. To tell you the honest truth,
I was hurt, I couldn't stop thinking about him
and I planned a strategy of approaching or
texting him but every time I thought I found one
I asked myself was I the only one who wanted
this relationship. His silence made me question
a lot of things, like how could he let something
he believed to be so true die over non-existing
conclusions. A day never went by without me
wondering whom he was spending his days
with, his nights with, what type of girls he had
around him, were they better than me.
I cleared my throat, feeling the pain of a fresh
lump. I looked behind me and saw Luthando
placing her clothes neatly in the wardrobe
Me: Do you think I made a bad decision?
She stopped what she was doing and looked at
me, blankly
Me: With not reaching out to Mihle?
Luthando: You tried. I mean you went to the
guy's house wazama uthetha naye and he lost
his cool. He asked you to leave because he
wanted to calm down, don't you think if that
was the reason he would've called you already?
The truth in what she was saying hurt me. He
couldn't be angry still
Me: It just hurts
Luthando: You will get over it. I mean I for one
thought the guy loved you but andazi ngoku.
What are your instincts telling you?
I rolled my eyes, turning to face my wardrobe
Me: I don't even believe them anymore, ever
since I met up nalobhuti ingathi zayeka
usebenza (it's as though they stopped working)
Luthando: Men.
I sighed softly ndizama ususa elagaqa that you
have when your heart is heavy. There was no
way I was going to hell anytime soon from this,
and I actually gave up trying to find him or
hoping to bump into him at the mall or in the
streets. There was silence between my friend
and I, each of us drowning in our own thoughts
and getting busy with tidying our new place.
Just as quiet and peaceful as it was, the door of
our bedroom was swung open without even a
knock and Mihlali appeared at the doorway,
holding a glass of what appeared to be red wine
Mihlai: Zithini igirls?
Luthando: Iyadika lento yakho, learn to know.
Mihlali: Haisoka, what could I possibly find apha
kule room yenu?
I chuckled, eager to answer her but my mood
wasn't allowing me.
Luthando; It doesn't matter, knock next time
qha sisi.
She sat on Loot's bed and started talking about
hosting a party, annoying me already. Look
here's the thing, Luthando and myself both
moved out of the residences we used to live in
the previous year and applied for the female
senior accommodations but the problem was
applying late and only getting to choose
between the flats that occupied 4, 6 and 8
students. We settled for four but had to get two
other female students to settle with us, and
Luthando suggested Mihlali, coming up with an
excuse that we couldn't start knew people when
we could at least give her fake friend a chance.
So there you have it, Mihlali was leaving in the
other bedroom with a girl named Siyasanga,
then I shared mine with Luthando. Now on our
second day finally having moved in Mimi was
already informing us about a party that was
happening later, it was a bloody Thursday for
crying out loud. Luthando was the one
commenting and doing all sorts of shit whilst I
was minding my own business, that was until
she asked
"Haibo wathula kangaka girl, ugrand? (Hey, why
you so quiet girl, are you okay?)"
Me: Ewe I am
Mihlali: Wena nalamfana yeghintsa anisekho
together mos? (You and that gangster guy ain't
together anymore right?)
I kept quiet, agitated already that she named
him that. When she realised I wasn't going to
answer her she continued talking
Mihali: Well ndimbone pha kwaAve, ihamba
neziz'slay queens nabanye oobhuti abarelevant.
Kukho enye igirl emtha nca, that's when I
thought of you ndayiqonda inoba he's either
cheating or he dumped you. (EWell I saw him at
Ace's, he was there with these slay queens and
some relevant guys. There was some girl who
wasn't leaving his side, that's when I thought of
you and knew he's either cheating or he
dumped).
I actually thought I wasn't going to open my
mouth but she was so good at provoking a
person. I chuckled from annoyance and turned
to face her
Me: And so if we are still together?
Mihlali: Then you know he's cheating
Luthando: Yoh Mihlali uyazithanda indaba
zabantu
Mihlali: Haibo are they still together? Yoh hayi
shame. Well at least you know now
Me: Mxm
Mihali: Jongani guys, y'all are invited apha
enextdoor niyevha, for now I need to go buy
some more alcohol and snacks.
She removed herself from the bed and left,
leaving me naar. I groaned and threw myself on
the bed
Me: 2017 is going to be a long year.
Andiyithandi lentombi (I don't like this girl)
Luthando laughed, shaking her head
"Well inoba the feeling is mutual ngoba wakhe
wathi kuKim akakuthandi, you think you're
white."
Me: She's got all reasons to hate me, I'm
something she's not.
We continued with what we were doing prior to
taking a walk to the nearest supermarket for
some snacks and ingredients for supper. When
we returned back at the residence there were
already three girls in the building, and one was
comfortable on the counter. Siyasanga was the
person chatting to them and they looked about
her age, only one appeared to be older. By her
age, I meant 20/21, well Mihlali informed us she
was a 97. She smiled when she saw us and
exchanged greetings. We took what we wanted
to snack and placed the others in our cabinet
before heading to our room
Luthando: So awuzoya nyani kule party? (So
you're not going for real to this party?)
Me: Ha.a, not interested
Luthando: (laughs) okay
We watched Black-ish but only went down with
four episodes until the music started, and the
voices and laughs indicated that many other
people had arrived. We couldn't hear nothing
from the laptop so continuing with watching
was useless. We laid on our backs enjoying the
Doritos and chatting about how single my friend
really was. She started opening up to me about
her abusive ex boyfriend. I knew she was in a
relationship with a guy who used to hit her, even
locked her up sometimes because he didn't
want her going out. I was appalled when she
told me every time he allowed her to go out,
which was 3% of the time, when she returned
she had to remove her panties and spread her
legs so he'd insert his fingers in her, smelling
her to check if she wasn't busy with another
man. I was beyond shocked to an extent that I
couldn't say anything else either than "sorry"
and "yoh". She laughed, smacking my shoulder
Luthando: Haisoka it's old news ngoku.
We laid there getting to know each other on a
personal level. Well I felt she was genuine,
telling me everything there was to know about
her whilst I cut some information, not entirely
being honest. Mihlali invited herself into our
space again, dragging Luthando with and
leaving me all by myself because I told her I
wasn't interested. Figuring out that I couldn't
bath with so many people in the flat, I changed
into my pyjamas and prepared for bed but only
slept at something past 2 in the morning when
my body and mind couldn't keep up anymore.

I woke up the following day at little late than

usual and found it strange that Loot wasn't in
her bed and it appeared untouched since
yesterday. I concluded she might have passed
out in the lounge or in the other room. I dragged
myself out of my sheets and made way to the
bathroom, on my way out I bumped into
Siyasanga. We seemed to be the only people
left in that house so we had no other choice but
to talk to each other, and she was a friendly kid.
Me: Hello
Siyasanga: Hey babes
She was holding a black plastic bag, collecting
every empty bottle she saw and throwing it in
that bag.
Me: Haibo wacleana wedwa (Cleaning alone),
where are the others?
Siyasanga: Andibazi, oko bemkile at around 4 to
some club they said.
Me: You're kidding me
She laughed, picking up another bottle then
straightening her body
Siyasanga: Uyabona ngoku ku late, I mean it's
around 11 so I thought I should start cleaning at
least.
Me: Let me brush my teeth so I can help you.
I helped her with rearranging the chair and
tables, sweeping the floor and she did the
mopping. She assured me the glasses and
plates weren't much of a job so she was okay
doing them all by herself. I retreated back to the
room and called Luthando but her phone went
straight to voicemail, leaving me no choice but
to text her. Kimberely was another one missed
by me but she was out of town with her small
family, they were gone home to Kimberly.
After what seemed like three hours I tried
calling Luthando again but her line still didn't go
through, somehow worried I went to Siya
Me: Wena can you reach Mihlali?
Siyasanga: Ha.a
Me: Kanti bebehambe nobani? (Who did they
leave with?) I mean it's heading to 3 and
abakabuyi.
Siyasanga: Let me text uThabo.
Me: Who's that?
Siyasanga: A guy friend ebebehambe naye (a
guy friend they left with)
I sat on her bed next to her as she text the guy
asking where they were. He replied back after a
few minutes that he last saw them at some
guy's house when he left with one of his gents.
We threw in every question we could ask him
until he said he was driving to our place so we'd
have the conversation properly. He was outside
in his Citi Golf which he apparently used as a
cab. He gave us each a friendly hug, introducing
himself to me before he got into detail about
the story. So Siya and I learned that they ended
up going to some guy's house by the name Ben
and that he left them there with Sergio and
Anga.
Me: What if something is not right kengoku?
Thabo: Hayi kukho uAnga, I trust my boy
Me: Please call him. Ndinexhala (I'm anxious)
and I don't like the feeling.
He dialled Anga's number and placed the phone
on louspeaker
Anga: Ntwana
Thabo: Dog, uphi ntwana? (Where are you?)
Anga: Nidlapha endlini. Yhe bra, we got some
shit going on.
I would have rolled my eyes because of the
guy's white accent but I was to concentrated on
the shit he was talking about
Thabo: What's wrong?
Anga: Dog, uBen ikhona into ayenza kuMimi and
Sergio won't fucken tell me what it is.
I looked at Siyasanga, her face mirrored mine.
What was this guy saying?
Thabo: Uthini bra?
Anga: Just come to house dog.
Thabo was still looking at his phone even after
Anga ended the call, his mouth was slightly
open
Siyanga: Nimele ntoni guys!? Let's go (What are
you guys waiting for!? Let's go!)
During the drive we were all silent, I think all
three of us were trying to calculate what we had
just had, we were trying to think of the least
terrible things. Anga's home wasn't far from
school, in fact it was in suburbs still around
Stellenbosch. I could have been interested in
looking at the alluring house but there wasn't
time for that, worry lingered in the air as this
guy opened the door welcoming us inside. In
the lounge Luthando sat there with another girl I
presumed was Nelly. Immediately when seeing
us Thando stood up from the couch and walked
towards, her eyes teary. I thought she was
going to cry but she blinked them away, looking
up at the ceiling
Me: What happened?
Luthando: They are doing something kuMimi
She crossed her arms over her chest. I heeded
the bruises she had on her cheek, she was
bleeding on her arm whilst the other girl looked
worse, even more traumatized.
Thabo: Uphi uMimi? (Where's Mimi?)
Nobody answered, there was painful silence,
one which alerted the mind and heart that bad
news were awaited.
"Undidlwengule (He raped)"
Nelly said with a cracking voice. She didn't have
to say twice for me to understand the pain she
was going through, I mean I still spent nights
crying myself to sleep when I thought of the day
I was held hostage and raped without consent.
She didn't have to repeat herself. I was shaking,
I was scared, there was pain building up inside
my ribcage. I felt like I was going through it
once again. When saw nobody was moving
trying to figure out something I pulled out my
phone and dialled the numbers of the the one
person I knew would have a solution.
He answered, clearing his throat
Me: Mihle
Mihle: Aphindiwe, what's wrong?
A tear fell on my cheek. I was crying, I was
crying because I was scared, because my then
healing wounds were being re-opened. I cried
because even with that much fear the question
he asked made me feel protected, the concern
in his voice sent a meaningful message to me. I
was touched because even with that much
distance between us he could still detect in my
voice when something wasn't right.
Entry 192

Mihle

When I picked the call my attention was on the

laptop I had on my lap as I was busy with some
paperwork, it was when I heard her cracky voice
that I stopped reading the paper I had in hand
"Aphindiwe?"
Aphindiwe: I'm sorry to bother you but kukhona
something endifuna usincede ngayo (I'm sorry
to bother you but there's something I want you
to help us with)
Me: Wena nabani? (You and who?)
Aphindiwe: noLuthando and another friend.
They have been molested and those guys still
have Mihlali.
I felt my heart stop for a second. I stood up, my
nerves not keeping me seated anymore. I knew
I was expected not to act but this was the lady I
loved we were talking about here. I found
myself swear if anybody touched her, I was
killing them. they couldn't do that twice to her
Me: Are you safe?
Aphindiwe: Ewe, but Mihlali isn't.
Me: Uphi uMihlali?
Aphindiwe: I don't know, we think they've
abducted her.
Me: If you're safe aphukhoyo stay there and
send me location.
Aphindiwe: Okay
I ended the call and rushed to the bedroom to
grab a jacket whilst making quick phone calls to
Nkululeko and Tera. These were my most
trusted wingmen and my tracking devices. To
be honest I wouldn't have worried had it been
any other girl, or had she been a smash and
pass but she wasn't, this was someone I loved
dearly. To me it didn't matter whether we
weren't together at that point or whether she
was now an eye candy to another, when she
called for protection I gave her protection. I'd
never live with myself if anything happened to
her after she called out to me for help. I mean I
still blamed myself for her rape.

Siri's distance prediction was incorrect because

we made it there in less time compared to what
she anticipated. We arrived in front of a gate
with an enormous mansion behind the walls, I
found growing irritated from the sight of it
because the first thing that crossed my mind
was it belonged to a blesser. I made a shor tcall
to her, informing her we were outside the gate,
she assured me they were sending us in. When
we were safe and parked in the driveway I
opened the cabin hole and pulled out my gun.
Nkululeko chuckled, shaking his head
"Always prepared ntwana."
Me: Andidlali kanjalo (I don't play like that). Lets
go in.
Tera was the one to knock on the door; at his
second knock a young worried looking man
opened the door and welcomed us inside,
subsequently greeingt us. I followed after Tera
and at my second step my eyes met hers from
across the croom . She remained seated but I
could tell she wanted to jump off that seat and
come to me. We greeted them all equally before
Nkululeko started questioning the two guys. I
made way to Phindi, she stood up from where
she was next to Luthando but didn't move after
that nor take a step towards me. I extended my
hand for her to hold and when she did I pulled
her towards me
Aphindiwe: Hi
Me: Uright?
She nodded. I cupped her face and looked at
her, she was shaking as she held my arms
Aphindiwe: Ewe qha I think I'm just frigthened
because I been through this.
Me: I understand.
We locked eyes for a moment before I dropped
my hands from her face, stepping away from
her. I approached Nkululeko as I listened to him
questioning these young men. I tucked my
hands in my pocket and watched, that day I
wasn't doing anything.
Nkululeko: Phone(lani) lo Sergio, nimxelele aze
apha qha ningatsho uba uzelani (Call Sergio
and tell him to come here but don't mention
what he's needed here for.)
Nku walked up to me and summarised the
problem to me, giving me the important detail
and leaving out the frivolous. I wasn't going to
work that day, people painted me as the brutal
one because I always got my hands dirty so
that day I was an audience. As we waited for
this Sergio guy, whom I presumed was the
same age as those young men, I searched
about where and how everything started. I was
interrogating Aphindiwe and the one important
reason I did that was because I wanted to know
if she was out with these rich men they were
talking off.
Me: So awusahlali eres? (So you don't stay at
res anymore?)
Aphindiwe: I do but not lena uyaziyo (but not the
one you know).
I removed one hand from my pocket and
brushed her neck, she closed her eyes for a
mini second before looking at me then averting
them away
Me: Usandithanda? (Do you still love me?)
She looked at me for the forth time in that 3
minutes
Aphindiwe: Ewe
There was silence between us for a moment
and during that time I wanted to kiss her so
badly but there was this feeling which was
holding me back. Guilt maybe
Me: Even after what I did?
She looked away, removing my hand from her
neck but I dropped it to her arm, holding her still
Me: Ndijonge Aphindiwe (Look at me Aphindiwe)
"Can we not about this?"
She whispered that, not wanting to look at me. I
pulled her close and planted a long kiss on her
forehead, she held me tightly but was quick to
let go.
Me: I'm sorry.
She was about to answer me when someone
walked in and all our eyes went to the door. A
young man who appeared foreign walked in,
scanning the room, he tilted his chin trying to
man up
"Tbo bruh what up?'
Thabo: We need to ask you some questions bra.
He scanned the room again before finally
stepping towards us
Nkululeko: Do you understand Xhosa?
Sergio: No
Nkululeko: Izobanzima mos lento (this is going
to be hard)
Me: Mbuze ngeslungu (Question him in English)
I watched the guy attentively as he answered
every question Nku asked him, I was picking up
signs which annoyed me from that guy, as
much as I wanted to watch all of that and see
how it was going to unfold, Nkululeko was
beating around the bush and I wasn't the
patient type. I moved from where I was
standing and questioned meanwhile making my
way to him
Me: I hear what you're saying and in all this shit
you denying and trying to dodge some
questions. I'm going to ask you once again and
for the last time, you're not going to make us
fools. Where is Mihlali?
Sergio: I told you I don't fucken know.
I grabbed him by the collar, roughly pulling him
his chest crashed on mine. What I wanted was
his ear
Me: Don't fuck with me I will fucken blow your
balls off
He chuckled, provoking me. Andibizwa
ndingasabeli mna. I pulled out my gun and
stuck it where the sun don't shine, he winced
giving me a response but yayingeyiyo le
ndiyifunayo (but it wasn't the response I
wanted). I pressed the weapon harder on his
balls and cocked theshit
Me: Now I won't ask you again
Sergio: Ben would know that
Me: Good. Show us Ben
I pulled away from him but not letting his collar
go
Me: Our friend here says uzosiza kwa Ben.
Someone must stay with the girls.
Tera: Ndiyahamba, usoft too much uNku
Nkululeko: Voetsek, voetsek
I chuckled before turning to Sergio who was still
shamely choking from my grip
"You better behave. Finding you won't even take
me ten minutes and I will kill you. Understood?"
He nodded, that's when I playfully slapped his
head.
Me: Thabo uhlala nam wena. Nku, no fooling
around ke madoda, if you don't find Mihlali bring
me Sergio's head.
The foreign boy turned and looked at me for
one last time before leaving the house.
Before I could even turn I felt a pair of eyes on
me. I forgot I still had my gun in hand and was
only reminded by the three pair of eyes glued to
my hand, the other pair was searching for my
face. I hid the machine where it always sat on
my waist and found my way to where Phindi
was sitting, Luthando moved up making space
for me to sit next to her friend.
Aphindiwe: I thought you were going to shoot
him
Me: I was just scaring the kid.
The look she gave me told me didn't trust what I
just said, that's what you received after
breaking someone's trust.

We sat there awaiting their return but all I got

was a phone call from Tera
Me: Ntwana.
Tera: Hayi kuyanyiwa bhuda (It's shit messy bra)
Me: Z'khiphani? (What's wrong?)
Tera: Zimbulele ezkaka lomntana (These
assholes killed this child)
Me: Yoh.
My heart raced as I felt it drop at the peak of my
stomach. The thought of a mother's pain as she
discovers her daughter died fighting for her life
in the hands of a man who bought her, all in the
words of not being content with what she
received from home. I thought of Zizipho.
Tera: Sisazama amacebo of telling her close
ones.
Me: Sure bra
I ended the call and came face to face with the
faces that hoped for good news
Aphindiwe: Uthini Mihle?
I sighed unable to deliver the news. I looked at
each of them, before I even spoke Luthando
started crying
"Mihle"
Aphindiwe begged with so much pain. It were
the tears in her eyes which preventedme from
talking.

Entry 193

Aphindiwe

He was watching me as I sat beside him in

silence I did not know how to go about
answering the question he asked me, I closed
my eyes hoping I’d find an answer for it. I
sighed, shaking my head
Mihle: Yintoni?
Me: It doesn’t make sense
Mihle: So you’re telling me you trust
Nomthandazo more than uthembe mna?
Me: Andithethi lonto? (I’m not saying that?)
Mihle: Uthini? (What are you saying?)
I looked at him, he was wearing that face I
loathed more than anything, he was annoyed.
Mihle: So you still don’t believe that she’d do
anything to break us apart?
Me: What I don’t understand is why she was at
our table to begin with? Why would you allow
her to sit there?
Mihle: Because the gents wanted them there
Me: That’s bullshit, I know…
Mihle: Language.
I opened my mouth but closed it again, that
whole conversation was draining, I didn’t have it
in me to fight anymore. We had just found out
Mihlali was killed and he wanted us to talk
indaba zochuku
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Mihle: Because we are apart anyway?
Me: No, but because uyaxoka
He chuckled, running his hand down his face
that was prior to him turning and facing the
front. I watched him, his face changed three
time in five seconds, he chuckled, pulled a
serious face then chuckled again in five
seconds.
Mihle: Okay, I’ll give it to you. Maybe ufuna
ndithi ndivuma because ndisamthanda, maybe
that will sit well kuwe?
I kept quiet because wayethetha ikaka and he
knew it, from just the sound of it my heart
ached
“Talk to me Aphindiwe.”
Me: Hayi
Mihle: Ufuna ndithini ke because ndithetha
inyani awundithembi, clearly ufuna ndixoke mos?
(What do you want me to say then because I’m
speaking the truth and you don’t believe me,
clearly you want me to lie?)
Me: Why didn’t you think of contacting me and
talking to me about this?
Mihle: Because I was blocked
Me: I have three weeks ndik’unblock(ile)
Mihle: And you didn’t text me because? How
was I supposed to know I’m unblocked?
Me: Did you even want to talk to me?
Mihle: Phendula le ndiyithethayo? (Answer what
I asked you?)
Me: I don’t know why I didn’t text you, your
silence told me you were actually getting it from
elsewhere, from one of your girls, Pearl maybe.
That was an assumption but when he kept quiet
and took his car keys inserting them in the
ignition, I knew it was exactly what he was
getting up to. I wanted to keep quiet and just
open the door and leave but something kept me
there, something which wanted so many
answers
Me: So you were busy with her?
Mihle: You are drawing up…
Me: Ndicela uphendule umbuzo Mihle (Please
answer the question Mihle)
Mihle: No, I was not.
He slowly turned his head and stared at me
between narrowed eyes. I smiled; wanting to
applaud him for thinking I was as stupid as I
was. I didn’t even know how he and I got there,
how we ended up allowing people to break us
apart.
Me: Thanks for coming.
Mihle: Sure
Me: Bye
I opened the door about to step out when he
held my arm. I didn’t want to turn and look at
him but when his breath finned my neck my
anger subsided
Mihle: Ndicela undijonge (Please look at me)
It was just that complete turn he wanted before
he crashed his lips on mine. Believe I would
have pushed him away, I wanted to but when he
seductively pushed his tongue in my mouth I
betrayed myself, moving towards the edge of
the seat. His hand made way to my neck where
he gently left strokes as he brought it to my
face. He finally pulled back, his lips leaving
mine. I was aware he was looking at me
awaiting me to open my eyes, he hovered his
thumb over my bottom lip
Mihle: I hope there’s no guy you’re currently
giving this to.
Me: While you’re giving everything to someone
else
I removed his hand from my face and dropped it
on my thigh. I didn’t plan saying that but I was
still irritated with him so I couldn’t help myself.
There was this pain in my chest, the one which
reminded you that your heart was breaking
Mihle: And that someone else would never
replace you.
I shook my head, preventing myself from talking
about that any further
Me: I have to go, we’ll talk.
Mihle: Ube safe. If anything happens call me
Me: Enkosi
I left his car before he could stop me again. I
knew he was looking at me as I made my way
to the gate because it wasn’t until I was behind
the gates that I heard the engine of his vehicle
roar. I sighed, trying to convince myself that I
was okay. I thought I was doing good, that I was
handling the break-up well but not a single
moment during our conversation did he say he
wanted me back or he loved me, he was just
angry that I took decisions based on the
screenshots Nomthandazo sent me. He
sounded like someone who sought closure not
my love back. I had to accept that he was okay
without me, that he was doing great without me.

When I stepped into the apartment I was

expecting myself to at least be the support
system for these two ladies but I was a mess
after the hour I spent with that man, I couldn’t
even think straight, I was there needing
someone to remind me that someone would
truly love me for me some day because for
some reason what I thought was love suddenly
felt like I was kept around for sex.
I made my way to my room after having a glass
of water and found Luthando buried under her
blankets, from the sniffing she continued doing
I could tell she was still crying’
Me: Thando?
Luthando: Mhhhh?
Me: Mind if I sleep nawe?
She uncovered her head and looked at me, her
eyes were puffed as she forced a smile nodding
Me: We will talk about everything xa uright evha
but please do me a favour sukhala (don’t cry)
Luthando: I am sorry but I just can’t believe they
killed her because she refused to give away sex.
How evil can men get?
I shrugged my shoulders while removing my bra
from underneath my top. I wanted to sleep and
not nap, I wanted to forget that day even
happened. I was suffering from a headache and
couldn’t even get myself to drink grandpa, I was
simultaneously sick and heartbroken
“I want to share something with you.”
I said as I lay beside her on her single bed, she
moved making more room for me
Luthando: Yintoni leyo? (What is that?)
I shut my eyes, subsequently opening them not
knowing where to start
Me: Okay this is something I never shared with
any of you. Not even at home do they know I
been through this, only Mihle does.
I could tell she looked surprised and probably
wanted to comment but refrained from it,
instead she nodded
Me: I never spoke of this so I am hoping I don’t
cry
Luthando: If izokukhalisa don’t talk about it then,
you will xa uready
Me: I think I am
“Okay.”
Me: I got raped beginning this year
There was silence in the room. She just looked
at me blankly as though waiting for me to say I
was joking and when I didn’t she questioned
herself
Luthando: You are joking right?
Me: No.
She furrowed her eyebrows, propping herself on
her elbow
Luthando: And when was this?
Me: Remember the time I didn’t see you and
Kim for about a month ndini avoid
She nodded, still looking shocked
“It was then.”
Luthando: Kim knew something wasn’t right but
she expected Mihle was hitting you so you were
hiding because you didn’t want people to see
the evidence.
I chuckled lowly, my mind was travelling back to
that scene, I felt my heart paining trigging some
tears into my eyes
Me: And he was the most supportive person
ever during that time in my life. Just when I
started loving Cape Town
Luthando: How did you heal from it?
I kept quiet for a while, playing with the corner
of her pillowcase. I avoided looking at her
because her face carried so much sympathy
directed to me, something I didn’t want. I shook
my head, correcting her
Me: I never healed.
My voice alerted me that I was about to cry, I
knew that because my throat was aching from
the lump throwing there and from how I was
trying to fight back some tears. The one
thought which kept lingering in my mind was
how he kept moaning as he tear my ass apart,
as I died slowly he was gaining pleasure.
Luthando: Uright?
Me: I’m sorry I thought bendizokwazi uthetha
(I’m sorry I thought I was going to be able to
talk)
Luthando: It’s okay, I understand.
She threw her arms around me and enveloped
me in a childish yet warm hug
Luthando: Enkosi.
She whispered in my ear. Nothing felt any better
than knowing that your presence meant
something to someone, you didn’t even have to
speak, you being there meant something. I
pulled back smiling at her
Luthando: Maybe we should be lesbians, we
better off without these men anyway.
I smacked her shoulder and we burst into
laughter
Me: (laughs) Khame khendikushiye nakule
bhedi, uzondi rape next thing (Let me leave you
alone in this bed, next thing you’ll rape me.)
Luthando: (laughs) Awuse. Let’s do this therapy
She said, positioning herself in a comfortable
sleeping position, she pulled the throw blanket
over her head and sighed. It wasn’t long before
she was off snoring whilst I still lay there still
drowning in my own anguish.
For the first time in my life I wished I belonged
to another family or that I was dead nomama,
not having her with me wasn’t just affecting my
life the way people presumed it would, it was
killing me as well.
ENTRY 194
Mihle

I never understood when people spoke about

wanting to let go yet holding on, until I had to
call it quits with Aphindiwe. Not a single day
passed without me thinking about her but I
knew I had to let those thoughts go as well, I
was upset more than anything, to be clear with
you I was still holding a grudge on that Andrew
thing. A part of me knew she wasn’t doing
anything with him but like she wanted to know, I
was also clueless as to why she kept him
around. I sighed, downing the Valpre water from
the bottle which I squashed after empting.
I was aware that our relationship was at its
downfall but it was not easy to let go. The only
thing trigging me into letting her go was her
relationship with Andrew, being compared to
the one person whom you knew was capable of
replacing you and happened not to be your
favourite person had to be the most difficult
thing I ever encountered. I was old enough to
know one of two things was happening
between them, she either didn’t want to let him
go because she saw potential in him or she
didn’t want to let him go because he was her
way of getting back to me. I wanted her to
understand that my relationship with
Nomthandazo wasn’t the same with what she
had with Drew, and it would never be, I was
keeping Nomtha around because I wanted to
see my son grow. I could never risk being on
her bad because if she dared took me to court I
would lose child custody, that I had knowledge
of.
I removed myself from the couch I was seated
on and made way to the kitchen where Pearl
was, cooking. No, she wasn’t sleeping there she
had just came by to cook for me, I needed some
company like her own.
Pearl: Uright?
Me: Ndiyazama (I’m trying)
Pearl: I should actually be jealous of lendlela
uyithanda ngayo lentombi (I should actually be
jealous of the way you love this girl.)
Me: What’s with you ladies and comparing
yourselves to other girls?
She stopped seasoning the pork chops and
stared at me blankly
“Ayikho lento uyibuzayo (You’re asking
nonsense)”
Me: Ikhona (There’s sense to it)
Pearl: Haibo, how do you expect us not to
compare xa umbona umntu
uba uthandile elsewhere kodwa ukhona?
(Wow,how do you expect us not to compare
when you see that a person has loved
elsewhere but you’ve been there?)
Me: Luchuku olo
Pearl: Maybe if you men weren’t as selfish then
you’d know how we feel.
I chuckled as I leaned against the counter,
playing with the bottle which now appeared
reorganised
Me: You and I agreed on friends with benefits
when I had uNomthandazo but you caught
feelings, that was breaking the rules of what we
agreed on.
Pearl: Why didn’t you let me go then?
Me: Come on P
Pearl: Hayi, ndifuna ukwazi why kaloku (No, I
want to know why.)
Me: Kuvuka the coloured in you kengoku (The
coloured is awaken now)
Pearl: (laughs) no, but ndifuna ubone something
kulento uyenzayo (no, but I want you to see
something in your actions)
Me: I can’t tell you why I didn’t let you go
Pearl: If its anything negative I’m fine it, I
passed that stage where I had feelings for you
kaloku
Me: Nyani?
Pearl: Duh
She rolled her eyes, throwing the chopped
peppers and onion into the cooking pan. She
was one constant and genuine person I’ve met,
the only person I could be ontop of and still
have her give me advice on how to fix my
relationship. She was a best friend.
Pearl: Thetha kaloku (Talk)
Me: Ndisakubuka (I’m still watching you)
Pearl: You did that a lot already.
Me: Do you realise where we would have been if
you didn’t leave me for la tsotsi
Pearl: Haibo, bhuti you told me to get a
boyfriend
Me: Then you complained when I got a new
girlfriend after Nomthandazo ngongathi
wawu’available (Then you complained when I
got a new girlfriend after Nomthandazo as
though you were available)
Pearl: For you I was available.
Me: Hayi (No)
Pearl: What do you mean hayi?
Me: Uyaxoka ingxaki (You’re lying that’s why)
Pearl: Okay then, you need to fix things with lo
girl wakho because now you don’t even trust a
single thing that comes out of my mouth after
trusting me this much. By the way I still want to
know why you kept me around
Me: Because you were always down when I
wanted you.
Pearl: Uyandi user kanti (You’re using me)
Me: Don’t get me wrong, I liked you I really did
but not enough for me to end my relationship
with Nomthandazo and maybe if you were
around when things were messy between her
and I, I could have done something about us but
ufike ndino Aphindiwe.
Pearl: Wathi kum you’re not sure about her.
Me: I wasn’t but I wasn’t sure about you either.
Pearl: (clap hands) oh wow, after so long.
Me: Khayeke idrama (Stop being dramatic).
You’re one person I enjoy being honest with
because you don’t take offense kwi nyani (in the
truth).
Pearl: I learned it the hard way thanks to you.
There was silence after that. I knew I had her
here but my mind drifted to Aphindiwe, well she
was the one person I wished and wanted to see
standing in my kitchen. I almost sighed when I
thought of the last time Pearl was here, how I
called her over but couldn’t have sex with her
because all I could think of was another guy,
probably Andrew, holding Phindi the way I was
supposed to. Pearl being Pearl, she understood
and didn’t complain whatsoever, I think that’s
what I liked about her. I recall when she told me
she had gained feelings during our fun times I
panicked thinking she was going to go out
bashing on Nomthandazo but when I spoke to
her about it she agreed that she’d deal with
herself but never stopped seeing me. That
thought triggered a question in my head
“Did you like me that much?”
Pearl: Mhhh?
Me: Wawundithanda lomhlobo na skeem? (Di
you like me that much buddy?)
Pearl: If still coming here after you rejected me
didn’t show that, I don’t know what will.
Me: I didn’t reject you, your timing was bad
She shrugged her shoulders, drying her hands
at the sink. I walked over to her and kissed her
neck from the back, she giggled tilting her head
to the side
Me: You want me to show you that I really do
appreciate you regardless of all these things
Pearl: Show me how?
When I pushed my hands under her t-shirt
cupping her breast which were braless she
moved away, blushing
Pearl: That’s not what I’m here for. These pots
will burn if we continue and you know that,
awuna stop kaloku wena
Me: Ha.a I’ll stop, I just want
I finished my sentence by looking at her ass and
she blushed even more, shaking her head. She
was about a few feet away from me and moved
away with every step I took towards her. She
knew when I was playing and when I wasn’t
because our sex life was different. Whenever I
did call her over for sex she arrived her and did
the talking after a round or two, we got to
business, so wayeyazi if I played like that I was
just teasing.
Pearl: (giggles) awuse. I’ll finish cooking after le
mushroom sauce.
Me: Uzoliphakela iou lady? (Are you going to
dish for your mother?)
Pearl: As if umama angatya ukutya angakwazi
ndikuthenge phi, asoze (As if my mother would
food she doesn’t know where I cooked, never)
I laughed, making drum sounds on the counter
with my hands before stepping away from it
and retreating to the lounge. I sat on my couch
and tuned to channel 203 just to get my mind
off things, I so badly wanted to get my phone
and call her, just to be assured that I’d see her
again. I knew I were the reason for the distance
between us because I said I would get back to
her but never did, I was eager to but my anger
kept me away more especially after I saw her
with Drew again; something she wasn’t aware
off. When I saw them Kimberely was with them,
along with another guy whom I presumed was
Andrew’s buddy, I was around Stellenbosch that
day for business, it was a weekend. A part of
me, right there and then, wanted to stop my car
and go find out why she was still sticking
around him, I mean it was barely 2 weeks after
our fight and she hanging around with him
again. I felt disrespected, belittle, it came clear
to me how much she really liked the guy and
that’s all I wanted her to admit, that one way or
the other wayemfuna and that he was doing all
the right things which I wasn’t. I found myself
getting a headache from just thinking about it. It
felt like I loved where I wasn’t supposed to,
where I was prohibited from so as a
punishment that was what I got. I didn’t think
she understood the pain she put me through,
the comparing she continuously did of me and
the other guy, it was denting my pride, my self-
image.
I wanted to look at things the other way and see
them from her perspective, as to why she was
suddenly acting this way, why she did things
like I was suddenly pushing her away but I
couldn’t. I didn’t think I was wrong, I fucken
loved this woman for crying out loud. It was
ironic how I was the one who ended things
between us thinking I was going to cope or win
with that bullshit. Without another thought I
pulled my phone out of my pants and dialled her
number, it rang twice before her soothing voice
echoed from the speaker
“Mihle?”
Me: Can I ask you something?
Aphindiwe: Ewe (yes)
She sounded but gave me the go ahead
anyway
Me: What should I do to gain your trust?
Aphindiwe: Nothing
Me: Aphindiw…
Aphindiwe: You hit me when you promised
never to and never said sorry for lonto.
Me: Aphindiwe
Aphindiwe: Hayi Mihle
Me: Can I explain myself?
Aphindiwe: Explain what? Why you’ll find
another reason to hit me futhi?
Me: No God damn’t. I want to tell you (silence)
ndashiywa ngumsindo. Ndiyakucela Nana
There was silence for quite a while before she
sniffed, signifying that she was crying. With a
cracky voice she said
“We can’t do this anymore. Maybe you should
stick with Pearl she understands you better
anyway.”
I was about to answer when she cut the line. I
tried calling her again but it sent me straight to
voicemail. Aggravated, I stood up from where I
saw seated trying her number again but I went
to voicemail. I couldn’t allow her to, I didn’t want
her to. I knew I had one last thing to do and that
was to go by her new place, I had to talk to her
face to face whether she wanted or not. No
Andrew was getting what was mine.
Entry 195

Lelovuyo
I literally jumped when the assistance called my
name, informing me that Ms Richards was
ready to see me
"Good luck" she said as I walked likewise. I
pushed the double wooden open and my nose
inhaled that sweet scent I was now so used to.
My social worker was on the other side of the
table writing down something in her thick diary
"Have a sit Lelo."
Me: Good morning
Ms Richards: Morning dear
I relaxed on the leather couch, with my leg upon
the other. I had two months walking in and out
of here, it felt like home already. She spent the
next ten minutes making short phone calls and
diarizing again, that was prior to her muting the
telephone as she pushed her chair away from
the table
Ms Richards: And how are we today?
Me: We are good
Ms Richards: I see smiles, I like that.
Me: I'm feeling good
Ms Richards: That's beautiful. I was going
through your report earlier on and I saw some
progress. It looks like someone won't be here
for too long.
Me: I also feel it within that I'm doing something
good
Ms Richards: You are. So you had homework to
do.
I searched my slingbag immediately when she
said that for the piece of paper where I wrote
his number. After finding the paper I handed it
to her
Ms Richards: And where did you find it?
Me: In my brother's other cell phone
Ms Richards: Are they still good friends?
Me: No they aren't, my brother hates him.
She removed herself from the couch and sighed
"Let's make this phone call."
I followed after her and occupied one of the
chairs in front of the desk. She dialled the
number and left it on loudspeaker, it rang about
four times and I started thinking he wouldn't
pick up, it was during the week after all so he
was probably at work but he did, his voice
sounding deeper than I remember
"Hello."
Ms Richards: Good morning sir, am I speaking
to Mr Mihle Ga..bavu?
Mihle: Yes ma'am you are
Ms Richards: Do you have a minute for me
pleaser sir, sorry to disturb you.
Mihle: Can I call you back in a few minutes
ma'am I'm a bit busty
Ms Richards: Alright no problem
Mihle: Sure
He ended the call. We looked at each other
before both sighing simultaneously, I laid on the
chair listening to my heart hammer against my
chest, it felt as though he was here with us. Ms
Richards was about to say something to me
when the phone rang, showing the Vodacom
number which was now familiar to me because
I wouldn't stop staring at that piece of paper in
my bedroom after I took it down
Ms Richards: Mr Gabavu
Mihle: Yes ma'am. Can I ask who am I talking to?
Ms Richards: I'm Miss Richards, Lelovuyo's
social worker.
There was silence on his side before we had
some voices, he sounded like he was moving
out of the room because after a while there was
a door closing on the background then it was
peace and quiet, only his soft breathing could
be heard
Mihle: Yes
Ms Richards: Her and I have been seeing each
other for two months now and she's doing
some progress but she pleaded to me that she
talks to you because there are questions she
wants to ask you personally
Mihle: Okay
Ms Richards: But I'd prefer you come to my
office if possible.
He was silent for over ten seconds
Ms Richards: Are you still there sir?
Mihle: Yes I am. And where is your office?
Ms Richards: in Port Elizabeth. We can organise
and pay off the flight for you, both flights
Mihle: No it's fine I can afford that.
I almost laughed from how cocky he sounded, it
was so ridiculous how he didn't change a bit in
that
Ms Richards: So when can you be here?
"I can only be available on Saturday."
Ms Richards: Then do you mind flying in Friday
so we can have a short session on Saturday.
Mihle: Of course it can be done.
Ms Richards: Thank you sir, see you Saturday
then
Mihle: Alright
This time around Ms Richards ended the call
then looked at me smiling
Ms Richards: That was easy, you said he was a
difficult person
Me: He is. He's probably just curious as to what
I want to ask him so he can torture me with
those.
Ms Richards: No negative thoughts in here
Me: Sorry but I just can't help but think why he
was that easy.
Ms Richards: We'll have to wait and see on
Friday.
I smiled trying to be okay about it. All of a
sudden I felt bad and scared about having him
here this weekend, I know it was still Tuesday
and I had plenty of days to work on myself but I
didn't foresee any progress.
Ms Richards: Let's not talk about anything today.
Your next appointment is scheduled for
Thursday but let's make it Friday so you can
brief me through the questions you want to ask
him.
I nodded, slowly removing myself from the
couch.
Me: Thank you.
She smiled walking the opposite direction to her
desk whilst I headed for the door. Her and I tried
having a conversation where she pretended to
be Mihle but it didn't work, she wasn't giving me
the answers I knew he would. He wasn't the
type to be faked. That's when I initiated the idea
of asking him to come instead, I was in need of
some closure. All I had to do was wait for
Saturday and pray that it goes down well.

That week seemed to pass by real quick, as a

result instead of mediating like Ms Richards
had taught me to when I was stressed, I spent
hours in bed thinking of how Saturday would go.
I'd have a real conversation with him after 6
years. I didn't count our last quarrel as a
conversation. I was nervous to be honest with
you because his answers were either going to
break me or build me, but either way I'd have to
move on after receiving them.
On that day, I walked through that building
which had different doctors and therapist and
made way down the usual hallway until I was
standing in front of the reception. She smiled at
me, nodding as a signal to get in, she was on a
phone call. As I approached those doors a part
of me felt like he was already in there already, I
couldn't even peep through the keyhole, it was
useless. I sighed aloud before allowing myself
in, the smile which found its way to my face
when I realised she was alone, on a phone call.
Before sitting down I passed by the small table
and took myself a glass of water. I checked my
watch after gulping half the bottle, it was
quarter to ten which meant he had 15 more
minutes before he walked through that door, or
less.
Ms Richards: Good morning dear
Me: Morning Ms Richards
Ms Richards: How are you feeling today?
She asked appearing from behind her desk. She
always dressed beautifully, outfits which hung
perfectly on her body and colours that
complimented each other and her skin colour
Me: I'm okay and nervous
She extended her hands for me to hold, I did
and she pulled me from the couch
Ms Richards: Whatever happens today don't let
it ruin the progress you've made. He's here to
give you answers not to destroy you.
Remember that
I nodded. She enveloped me in a short hug
before pulling back and holding my shoulders
tightly
"Okay?"
Me: Okay
I admired her outfit again as she went to the
other table to grab a chair. Her navy, long coat
was what stood out the most; she matched it
with a navy pencil heel, white lose trousers and
a navy tight top which she tucked in. It was
chilly that day so everybody was dressed
warmly.
Me: Did you talk to him this morning?
Ms Richards: Yes, before I got on the other
phone I spoke to him. He was saying he's ten
minutes away
Me: That means he's here now
Ms Richards: It could be.
I rubbed my palms on my jean and occupied
myself with a magazine just to ignore my
nervous. As I read through that magazine I was
counting softly, trying to remove my mind from
the thought that he could be walking through
the hallway of the building. I hoped I&apos;d
count up to hundred or two hundred prior to his
arrival but I was at 53 when there was a knock
at the door. I averted my eyes from the
magazine to Ms Richards who was walking to
door. I didn't know whether to close the
magazine and place it on the table or to
continue pretending to read, I did the first thing
to come to mind, I closed it but didnt place it on
the table.
"Come in."
When he walked in his cologne filled the room,
indicating that there was a man with us.
Ms Richards: Welcome, thank you for joining us
Mihle: It is my honour to help where I can.
I did not even look at him until he stood in front
me and extended his hand for me to handshake.
I looked at him before taking his hand for a
short two seconds. He found comfort on the
couch opposite mine and looked at me in a way
which made me feel uncomfortable, a way
which made me look away. He was wearing a
long army green coat, black jeans underneath
and a white shirt which wasn't buttoned up to
his neck, he looked presentable and beautiful.
Ms Richards: Once again thank you for coming.
Lelo really needed this moment so she'd find a
way forward. She been doing good, there's great
progress but we realised there are answers she
needs before she continues well
Mihle: I understand.
Ms Richards: I have the whole story but I won't
be the one asking you the questions, she will.
Mihle: Okay
Ms Richards: Lelo
Me: Yes
Ms Richards: When you're ready.
I nodded, fixing my sitting position for the
seventh time in five minutes. Suddenly I was
feeling uncomfortable ngento yonke
Me: Okay (sighs)
Mihle: Uright?
Me: Ewe
Mihle: Relax, let's pretend like we're having a
normal conversation. Don't think too much into
it.
Me: Okay, I'll be asking questions relating to our
relationship, things which I'm unclear about.
He nodded
Me: Did you ever truly love me?
There was silence, too long that I even had the
minds of rephrasing the question but he
answered eventually
Mihle: I don't know.
If I was eating or drinking water I would have
choked that instance because I almost choked
on my own spit from his response
"I'll say I don't know for because 70% of the time
we were together I wasn't on my sober state. I
wouldn't be able to tell whether I did things from
love or because I was under the influence of
what I was smoking."
Me: And the other thirty percent when you were
sober?
Mihle: I cared for you
Me: So you never loved me?
Mihle: I never said so.
Me: You just said you cared. To Love and care
are two different feelings. So you never did
Mihle: I wouldn't put it that way
Me: Which other way is there to place it?
Mihle: Maybe I loved you but not strongly to feel
it at heart when I was sober but I do know for
sure that I wouldn't have allowed anything to
happen to you. Once you care about something
that too is a form of love.
Me: It's either you loved me or you didn't Mihle
He kept quiet and didn't answer me, his eyes
weren't leaving mine. I loathed how he was so
calm under such intense eye contact, averting
my eyes I don't questioned
"So you enjoyed more the idea of me making
myself available to you?"
Mihle: I enjoyed every moment with you.
Whether it was over the phone or in person.
There was silence after he spoke because I
didn't know how to ask the next question, I was
thinking of a way to put it. I was hoping it
doesn't make him lose his temper
Me: When you heard around that I had done an
arbotion why didn't you ask me kuqala if were I
really pregnant?
He stared at me with narrowed eyes, for a very
long time before he answered, his eyes not
leaving my face
Mihle: I asked you
Me: You never did
Mihle: I did, when I was on top of you holding
you against ground I asked you and you
admitted
Me: What if I did so you'd stop
Mihle: I knew you Lelo. You're stubborn and
wouldn't lie about something if you didn't do it
Me: Because that moment affected me through
my highness. You killed me child
Me: A zygote Mihle
Mihle: That was going to birth into my child
damn at!
Me: And when you raped me?
Mihle: Intoni? (What?)
Ms Richards: English please
He didn't move when Ms Richards spoke, his
whole body was moved in an angle I wasn't
comfortable with, it's as though he was ready to
attack me
Me: Weren't you affected through your highness
when you raped me?
Mihle: Can I take a moment outside?
He asked looking at the coloured woman on our
side but I answered for her
Me: No you can't.
He turned slowing, facing me
"Answer my question. Weren't you? When you
heard me cry asking you to stop?"
Mihle: You never cried
Me: I did
Mihle: You never cried Lelovuyo
Me: Lets say I didn't then, why did you continue
then when I asked you to stop
Mihle: Why did you stick around?
Me: What?
Mihle: Why did you keep seeing me if you hated
it?
I felt like I had just been punched in the
stomach and the pain was moving up to my
chest. I felt something cut through my heart
when he asked me that
Me: You're an asshole.
Not wanting to cry in front of him I jumped up
and he quickly my arm stopping me from
leaving.
Ms Richards: Let her go.
He freed my hand and I proceeded to the door,
once outside I searched for the bathroom
through a blurry vision. My mind was all over
the place, my heart was painful, I was feeling
sick. I felt he was doing this on purpose, he was
deliberately hurting me again. I don't know how
long I stayed in there before Ms Richards came
in looking for me
"Are you okay?"
Me: I'm good.
Ms Richards: It's okay to cry, you're not a robot
after all
Me: He's such an ass.
Ms Richards: I've been doing my job for quiet a
while, he's broken. Let me do the talking when
we get back inside okay.
I nodded, sighing subsequently. She excused
herself and used the toilet whilst I tried
collecting my feelings which were scattered all
over the place. If it were up to me I would
definitely walk in there and slap the cheek out
of him but I had to remain calm, this was a
professional place.
When Ms Richards was done she asked if I was
ready and when I assured her we made our way
back to the room which had the asshole himself.
I didn't even want to look at him, that's how
disgusted I was when I walked in there. I almost
laughed at myself for being stupid, how dare I
thought I could forgive him?
Ms Richards: Mr Gabavu I heard story of what
happened during the relationship you two
shared. It might have not been the whole story
because I didn't hear your side but it's the
patient we're more concerned about here. I'm
going to ask you questions but I'll try not go too
deep on your personal but some of them will
relate to you personally
He nodded, fixing his coat and sitting position
Ms Richards: I learned from Lelo that raped her
from the behind not once but a couple of times.
He shook his head, moving on the couch again
Mihle: I might have forced her one
Ms Richards: Might have?
He closed his eyes, a habit I was shocked he
still did when annoyed or getting interrupted
Mihle: I did force her once but the other times
she gave me consent
Me: I did not Mihle.
He opened his mouth to talk but didn't speak
because I didn't give him the chance
"You never really asked. You'd just tell me that
you wanted it and I told you oko that ibuhlungu
and ndiyayoyika. You never asked me. You'd
just pull down my pants and beg me to bare
with you. You never asked."
His facial expression changed, regret pain and
some pity was present on his face, I could tell
even after 6 years. For the first time during our
eye contact he's the one who looked away. I
brought my hands up to face to wipe the tears
which wet my cheeks
Mihle: Can I take a break?
I think Ms Richards gave him a nod because he
stood up and retreated to the door. My face
was buried in my palms and I was trying so hard
not to cry but I couldn't help it. It felt just like
yesterday when I actually realised I was dating a
monster. It was those days and I couldn't leave
him because he told me never to.
Ms Richards: Must we stop for today?
She asked seated next to me. I shook my head,
wiping my cheeks again
Me: I want to know what he has to say.
She nodded, handing me a bottle of water
which was she took from the table. She
squeezed my knee as though assuring that
everything would be okay. He came back inside
shortly after and sat, he sighed before clearing
his throat
Mihle: I'm sorry.
I lifted my head, removing my eyes from my
knees to actually look at him. He never used
those words as far as I know
Mihle: I know this might not mean anything to
you, nor will they remove what I've done but
from the bottom of my heart ndicela Uxolo. I
was shit when you actually loved me, I could
have told you I wasn't available because I knew
deep down that I wasn't able to love but I took
you anyway thinking that maybe (silence).
He furrowed his eyebrows and the way his face
tensed I could tell he was trying to hold back
tears. A part of me believed he was genuine but
another part thought it was an act
Mihle: You know at that time you were the only
person who loved me for me. The only person
who cared that I was still alive (chuckles) but
because I wasn't used to such love I fucked it
up. I cant blame the drugs I was using, you
know I could have been Human once, just once
ndive uba kunjani uthandwa but I didn't want to
so I numbed the feeling. I numbed me. That's
how I didn't give a fuck of whether people loved
me or not, whether they wanted me dead or not.
I couldn't be human and allow feelings so I shut
them. It wasn't me you were dating, it was the
monster I was (silence).
Me: Mihle
He interrupted me
"I'm not saying take me back into your life as a
stranger, friend or whatever but all I'm asking
you is ndicela undixolele."
He looked at me, that was the perfect time for
me to say something but my stupid ass just
kept quiet. I was muted from all of those words.
He never ever said such to me since the day I've
known him
Ms Richards: Mr Gabavu, I hear you were in jail
Mihle: Ya
He said still looking at me, he only looked at her
when Ms Richards spoke again
Ms Richards: And what were the charges for?
Mihle: Murder
Ms Richards: Were you ever molested, in prison
maybe?
The way he looked her was clear that if he was
still his old self he would've probably slapped
her by now, his nostrils increased in size before
he even spoke
Mihle: Don't ever ask me that question again.
Ms Richards nodded, not looking frightened but
however moved by his response.
Ms Richards: I'm sorry I crossed the line. I think
we're finished, thank you for coming to help
Lelo get over what was bothering her.
He got up, taking his car keys and cellphone. He
passed a look at him after shaking hands with
Ms Richards
"Ndizokulinda phandle (I'll wait for you
outside)."
She waited for him to be behind doors before
she sighed, questioning
Ms Richards: What did he just say?
Me: He'll wait for me outside
Ms Richards: And do you want to ride with him?
Me: I don't know.
Ms Richards: I can give you money to catch a
taxi like I always do. You don't have to
I kept quiet thinking about it. Did I want to ride
with him? Still unsure I said
Me: I'll ride with him.
Ms Richards: Oh
Me: I want to test something
She forced a smile, heading to her table
Ms Richards: He was raped.
Me: What?
Ms Richards: I asked if was he ever molested in
prison and he threatened me. He was raped
I thought of the man who just left the room.
Being manhandled didn't suit him, instead he
manhandled people not the other way around. It
Didn't make sense. He couldn't have gone
through such
Ms Richards: It's either when he was in jail or at
a young age but something happened to him.
Me: Then you don't know Mihle.
Ms Richards: No my dear, I'm sad you don't
know him.
I looked at her trying to add what she saying.
Maybe someone close to him was raped but
not him, it can't be.
Ms Richards: Let's see each other Monday
Me: okay
I said taking my slingbag. I can't believe she
was actually believing that or saying it. I saw
him threaten her and I was there when he did it
but that didn't mean he was the one who went
through it.
I found him seated at the waiting area, talking
on his phone. He didn't even have to speak, the
look he gave me told me I was going with him.
He was speaking to a lady I presumed because
they were going on about izinto zomntana (child
stuff). He had a baby, wow. I felt like I was
walking with a total different person after that
apology he gave.
He was off the phone before we got to his car,
when he opened the door I stood a foot away
from the car
"Ndiyokubeka kokwenu, ngena (I'm dropping
you off, get in)"
Me: Andikho sekhaya (I'm not home)
Mihle: Then I'll drop you apho uhlala khona
(then I'll drop you where you stay)
I don't know why I wished he would have asked
where I stayed but it didn't seem to bother him.
I wasn't his girlfriend after all, he didn't have to
get bothered by anything of mine.
I got in the car and uncomfortably sat next to
him. I could feel there was something that was
poking me but I remained facing the front until
he was like
"Faka iseatbelt (Fasten your seatbelt)"
I almost laughed at my stupid self when I turned
and saw what was poking me, it was this object
thing which brought the seatbelt to you.
Ezimoto zikhumsileyo. During the drive we both
kept to ourselves, I refrained from moving no
matter how uncomfortable my sitting position
was, I wasn't comfortable at all being in that
vehicle with only him. He lowered the music
from his steering wheel and looked at me as he
stopped at the drive-thru
Mihle: Uzotya ntoni? (What will you eat?)
Me: Andifuni nto.
He looked at me prior to lowering the window
and addressing the speaker
Mihle: McFeast, yes. Large meal please with
coke.
When the he was through with placing the order
he drove to the next window to pay for the meal,
then to the other one for collection. He handed
me the McDonald's brown bag whilst still
talking to the lady who was standing at the
window, when he noticed I wasn't taking it he
looked at me
Mihle: Naku ukutya (Here's food)
Me: Bendithe I d...
I didn't finish talking, disturbed by the look he
gave me. I took the package and thanked him. I
was hungry but I haven't accepted anything
from this man for years.
Mihle: Uya kokwenu? (Are you going home?)
Me: Hayi ndikuSiya (No I'm at Siya's place)
Mihle: Phi?
I was a little surprised that he didn't know where
Siya lived, so they were really enemies now.
Me: New Brighton.
He didn't respond but continued driving to my
destination. I never opened the meal even
though I was hungry as hell, I decided I'd wait
until I arrive at my brother's place. I directed him
through the streets until to the last stop before
my brother's medium sized shack
Me: Enkosi
Mihle: Lelo
Me: Mhuh?
Mihle: Will you ever let me know undixolela
kwakho? (Will you ever let me know when you
accept my apology?)
I nodded, unable to smile. I looked at him and
wanted to forgive him that very money, I wanted
to know if what Ms Richards concluded of him
was true and if it was did he ever heal from it? I
wanted to ask him but I couldn't so ibstead I
nodded before closing the door, silently praying
for him. I know he was the reason I was
damaged but the thought of him crying because
of someone forcing themselves into him tore
my heart. Some things weren't meant to be
experienced by certain people; you could tell by
just looking at someone if they'd survive certain
pain or not. And if it was somehow true, he
wasn't yet healed.

Entry 196

Aphindiwe

I knew I had to let of things the time I started

drawing up scenarios in my head which didn't
satisfy my soul instead made me fear for my
life. I was aware it wasn't a healthy thing for me
because I was inviting fear into my life
deliberately but what was one expected to do
when their sufficient other was living up to the
stories she heard. I know it was just a single
experience where he slapped but this voice at
the back of my mind kept telling me many more
were coming.
I turned on the couch, crossing my legs the
other way around to avoid cramps. I might have
been present in the room with my best friends
but my mind was elsewhere, wandering about
the whole of Cape Town thinking of how my life
turned so sour in a matter of a few months. I
only snapped back to reality when Loot bumped
me softly with her elbow
Me: huh?
Kimberley: I swear you'll die from thinking.
Me: What is it?
Kimberley: We got an invitation.
I yawned, showing a sign of exhaustion.
Me: To?
Kimberley: Tyson's birthday.
I looked at Luthando expecting her to be
blushing, I mean this was her dream man.
Me: I can't go out
Kimberley: O will be there
She said grinning, little did she know that the
sound of his name made me cringe, that he was
the reason I wasn't keen to go. I mean, I barely
ever gave the guy a proper apology after the
incident that happened.
Luthando: Why ungafuni (Why don't you want to
go?)
Me: After what Mihle did to the guy, y'all still
think he wants me around?
Kimberley: Then you clearly don't know Odwa.
From where she was standing, she threw her
iPhone 6 to Luthando and we both looked at the
screen. Yep it was a conversation between her
and Odwa, and my name appeared on the list of
people Kim was invited with
Me: Don't you guys think after what happened
to Mihali we should chill a bit?
Kimberley: We are just going to Ty's birthday
party
Me: I know but
Kimberley: No human trafficking will take place
there
Luthando: Kim!
Kimberley: What? I'm being honest
I sighed, leaning back on the couch, I had a
headache and thinking about going out made it
even more. They didn't know about how Mihle
almost had me suck Odwa whilst he was
watching with his gun pointed at me. They had
no fucken idea how I almost wet my pants
waiting for him to pull the trigger. It was
something I never told them, and I doubt Odwa
ever mentioned it. I almost felt sick from just
thinking about the day
"I don't want to go."
Luthando: Haibo ntombi
Me: Guys (sigh) it's barely been 3 weeks since
we lost Mimi, barely been a week since her
funeral and now you guys want to go wild again.
Kimberley: We just don't have to live in misery,
we aren't going wild we are celebrating a
friend's birthday!
Me: Fine then, go! I'll catch a taxi when yall
leave.
Luthando: Uyadika sani
Kimberley: Fine! My phone please.
Loot stood up from the couch and handed Kim
her phone, it wasn't long until they disappeared
in the bedroom. I sighed once again, maybe I
hads too many problems I didn't discuss and
maybe that was pushing people away but I just
didn't want to be around alcohol and weed right
now, I wanted peace and quiet.
After what seemed like a while sitting alone in
that small lounge space Kim stormed in and
stood between the couch and the t.v. stand. She
placed her phone in my face forcing me to lean
back because of the light which was straining
my eyes. She dropped the phone on my lap and
left
Me: What the fuck?!
Kimberley: Read!
I went through the conversation her and Tyson
were having and almost laughed ridiculously. I
forced myself off the couch and retreated to the
bedroom
"He can't do this!"
I yelled still making way to the room
Kimberley: tell him that.
That was my cue, I began typing. I kept deleting
and editing my sentences, wanting to make my
excuse sound rigid and concerning. I sent the
message and waited for my friend's dearesr
crush to response and what I received from him
was a lousy "lol"
Me: What's this suppose to mean?
Kim took her phone and looked at me with a
blank face
Kimberley: Laughing out loud
Me: I know but why did he say that?
Kimberley: Because he's laughing
Me: Mxm. I just sent him a lot ass serious text
and he's laughing.
She shrugged her shoulders while Luthando
giggled, they were enjoying this
Me: They better not come here.
Kimberley: Then tell him
Me: I did!
She laughed, smiling as she gelled her hair. She
would out some rollers on it after wetting it with
the gel and every time she did the hairstyle, it
looked smarter than the previous time.
Luthando was on her phone, kicking her legs in
the air and with the smile on her face one didn't
have to ask whom she was texting, it was pretty
obvious. I sat one the black one-seater couch
and watched them. They seemed unbothered
and happy while I felt myself walk into the room
of depression. I was battling the feeling of
wanting to fix my relationship and that of
wanting to walk away because of fear and
unanswered questions. Nothing made my heart
heavy like wondering which girl he was with,
and whether he was finally giving up on me
after I did not pick up his calls the previous
weekend he wanted to see me. I was battling so
many things because I was losing the one
person who made my heart smile, the one
person my heart longed for.
Kim's phone rang, disturbing me from thinking.
She answered with all smiles on her face as I
rolled my eyes, annoyed already. After ending
the call she pulled out her tongue at me.
Me: You are a bitch
Kimberley: I know sweetie.
Before I was even ready there was a knock at
the door, I didn't budge but that didn't stop
Thando from jumping of excitement ready to
see her man while he was here to annoy me. I
thought he was alone until I heard two other
male voices and laughs
"Anikho ze mos apha? (Y'all aren't naked in here
right?)"
Luthando: (giggles) khayeke udika, ungene
(stop boring, and just enter)
The first person to appear at the door was
Xolani then Odwa, then Luthando who was
walking beside Tyson with his arm around her.
My almost stopped beating when Odwa looked
at me and smiled, I wasn't expecting him to be
there. He hugged Kim prior to him walking
towards me. The smile he wore on his face was
genuine and made me shy, I almost forgot how
much of a jolly person this guy was
Odwa: Ty, here's the lady who doesn't want to
come to your party
Me: Hayi
Tyson: So it's this one here. My lady we are
taking you with us. We never accepted no for an
answer
Me: Why do I feel like Kim sold me out?
Kimberley: Oh hell no
Odwa: She didn't, we just want you there.
I looked up at him and giggled, looking away
because I couldn't up with the look he was
giving me
Odwa: hugs?
He asked eventually. I stood up and opened my
arms. He hooked me from the wiast and picked
me up, making me laugh
"Odwa hayi!"
I swear he had a thing of picking me up
because he always did. He placed me on the
floor still hugging me then whispered
Odwa: Can we talk?
Me: uhm yeah
I said hesitant. I knew exactly what he wanted
to talk about and that was one of the reasons I
didn't want to go to the party.
We walked out of the bedroom to the kitchen, I
leaned against the counter and waited for him
to start the conversation. He was on the other
side of the kitchen, standing against the
washing machine
"I think I understand why you wouldn't want to
come to a place endikuyo unless there's other
reasons I know not off."
I shook my head, unable to utter a word
Odwa: Well here's the thing, I want you there.
I smiled, maybe blushing was the right word. He
looked at me from head to toe slowly before
asking
Odwa: So you coming?
I shurgged my shoulders
Odwa: You know andizanga apha to leave
without you (you know I didn't come here to
leave without you)
Me: Okay I'm going ke
He was always smiling, I don't remember seeing
him down. He walked towards me and extended
his hand tickling the part under my chin, I
moved back holding his hand away
Odwa: Thank you
Me: You welcome. Siphindele eroomin (must
we go back to the room?)
I had to ask before things got awkward. He
agreed and we retreated to the room.

That day I left my phone behind, not wanting to

get in any trouble nor to be the reason people
gate trash at the premises they didn't own. I
know I had said I didn't want to go to any party
but the time my body adjusted to the vibe I
wanted booze over booze. We were only a
number of 21 people, more guys than girls
obviously and the company was sick exciting.
It was because of such reasons I enjoyed male
company more. After a round of weed at the
balcony people voted for and spin the bottled
had more votes than truth or dare. I just did not
want to be more of a bore to these people so
instead of refusing I played along. One had to
take a raw shot of absolut vodka every time
they refused to kiss the person the bottle
pointed to, and because I wasn't there to kiss
anyone I took shots. After the forth shot Odwa
suggested I stop because I was going to harm
myself, taking in both weed and alcohol
masssively the way I was doing. I stopped as
asked then found my joy in watching and
drinking Ice Tropez. Little did I realise I was
getting drunk until I had to stand up from where
I was seated because I had to visit the toilet, I
balanced with Kim's chair as I could feel the
alcohol circulating in my brain
Kimberley: Bitch you need to keep your balance.
Me: I'm trying.
I leaned forwarrd and whispered in her ear
Me: Please escort me.
Without any complains, she stood from her
chair, appearing as unbalanced as I was. Hand-
in-hand we made way to the toilet, talking about
how cosy Luthando and Tyson
Kimberley: And my only worry is the girlfriend's
friend that's watching everything.
Me: Let her watch (giggles) oksalayo my friend
is happy
Kimberley: And they want to beat her they go
through us first
Me: No, no through you (giggles) I'm a coward
She laughed, leaning against the door. I didn't
struggle much with lefting my leggings
compared to the rough time Kim went through,
she couldn't even tuck in her t-shirt for crying
out loud. I remember leaving her in that toilet
after complaining a couple of times because all
she did was talk and couldn't find the waistband
of her leggings to tuck in the t-shirt. She yelled
poes a few times before jogging after me
Kimberley: Never again
Me: but you wanted to use the toilet as well
Kimberley: Only because I was already there.
She spanked my ass before hooking her arm
around mine.
As the night continued I noticed how much care
I was receiving from Odwa and I appreciated it,
even though I was a little soft under his touch I
kept reminding myself not to make that same
mistake again for both our sakes.
I remember when we were dropped at Kim's
place that I was holding something but my mind
couldn't register what it was until the following
morning when I was hangovered as fuck,
questioning my friends about that white
laboratory coat which was now on my bed
Luthando: Kim you also don't remember?
Me: She passed out before I did, she wouldn't
know.
Luthando: That belongs to Odwa
Me: Makes sense because there's no other
doctor I know.
Luthando: You took it and told him to get a new
one because this you'll make a jacket.
My mouth dropped, I couldn't have said that
Me: I don't say such things when drunk.
Kimberley: You were wasted baby not drunk.
Me: Is there anything else I did?
When Thando smiled sheepishly and nodded, I
ran to the bedroom and she followed me
laughing
"I don't want to hear them!"
Luthando: But ubuzile nje (but you asked)
Me: Bendidlala (I was joking)
I stepped out and looked at Luthando who was
still smiling.
Luthando: I am joking
Me: I've embarassed myself enough to those
guys
Kimberley: Argh, you can never be worried
about that bunch.
I sat on the armrest and switched on my
cellphone. I wasn't expecting much when
switching it on because I considered myself
manless but when I got a notification of two
texts from one number which I knew and
another which was written 'Nomthandazo' my
hairs stood.

"I have to see you urgently"- Mihle

"Can we meet"- Nomthandazo
My mouth suddenly became dry, that wasn't a
coincidence, something was happening and it
involved me, I just didn't know who to respond
to first but I knew as nervous as I suddenly
became, I wanted to know what was going on.
Entry 197

Nomthandazo

Asking for Aphindiwe's number from Azola was

quite a struggle because my sister was curious,
ignorant and naive. She didn't understand why
I'd suddenly text Aphindiwe when I haven't been
talking to her forever, but I had my reasons of
course. When she finally did give me the
number I text Aphindiwe based on what I was
told. I was upset because it was something
Mihle himself said to me, and as far as I knew
these people broke up because that was what
Mihle and I fought about a while back when I
sent his dearest girlfriend the screenshots. I
was taken by surprise when he said to me he
was leaving his house keys with Aphindiwe so I
had to talk to Aphindiwe if I wanted anything in
his house. He was leaving hid keys where?
That's what had me, I wanted to know how was
I still in a spaxced of going through her if I
wanted anything that had to do with him.
I told him there were documents of mine I
needed urgently and I was hundred percent sure
there were at his place, but when I told him I
would be coming by during the week,
Wednesday or Thursday, he informed me that
he was going away for a conference in Pretoria
and wouldn't be around for a whole 2 weeks.
That was when I suggested he leaves his house
keys with me then, so I could go look for my
documents but he informed about the news
which were a disease in my life.
Call me evil but if I couldn't have him, she
coundn't as well.
Sivuyisiwe always begged me to let it go, saying
that karma would deal with Aphindiwe at her
most best moments in life but I couldn't bare
the thought of knowing that she was now happy
with someone I was suppose to marry. Who
knows? Maybe by then Mihle would have
proposed and I'd be engaged to him but that
witch came into our lives and took that away
from me.
I was more than happy when she responded,
asking about the place and time. Antytime was
convenient for me at that moment because I
had recently retired from my work, in search for
a new job hence the need for the documents at
Mihle's place. I needed a job which best suited
my qualification;I had a son to support and
looking at the way things were, his father could
stop giving me money for maintenance any
time from then because he was being
controlled by pussy. Unfamiliar with the places
around Stellenbosch because nothing really
took me that side instead of driving to Mihle's
work, I entered the location sent by Aphindiwe
into my phone as I reversed from the driveway
at home. I was expecting her to be there with
her friends because I knew she couldn't stand
being with me all by herself. Who would after
having done what they did to me, she probably
expected any attack from me.
As I drove there, I was practising how to self
compose, something I failed doing 90% of the
time when triggered. I just didn't want to make a
fool of myself amongst other people, I was
from a family well-respected and known so I
couldn't drag the name into the mud. I knew of
Java Cafe but wasn't quite sure of where it was
situated in Stellenbosch.
I spotted her first thing when I drove into the
parking lot, she was sitting alone surprisingly
and typing away on her phone. Prior to leaving
my car, I breathed in and out trying tyo calm my
already acting nerves. I wasn't planning on
staying, I had a son back home whom I left with
a nanny I wasn't sure I trusted so I was there to
get what I wanted and leave. Fear must have
triggered her because she looked, spotting me
before I even made it to the table. I could have
threw a hand at her because of the way she
was looking at me but instead I pulled the chair
opposite hers and sat comfortably on it before
addressing her. She drew her handbag closer to
her and sighed, loud
Me: Aphindiwe
Aphindiwe: Nomthandazo.
I faked a huge grin before placing my bag on
the floor next to the chair
Me: Andizango hlala apha (I'm not here to stay)
Aphindiwe: Iwasn't expecting you to.
Me: And I'm not here to bitch around, I text you
as an adult because I want us to talk as adults
so ungakhe ulinge undizisele that high school
vibe mna.
She chukcled before pulling a face, a
provocative one for that matter.
Me: Mihle said he left his house keys kuwe so
can I havew them there are thing I want kwakhe.
Aphindiwe: House keys?
Okay, here's the part that was challenging. From
the look she gave me when asking that
question, I didn't know whether she knew about
the keys or just wanted to play me. I barely
knew the girl so I couldn't read her, I wasn't
good at reading people neither
Me: Ewe house keys
Aphindiwe: Andazani na house keys mna (I
don't know any house keys)
Before I could answer a waitress made way to
our table and asked if I wanted anything to drink
Me: No thanks
The demon that was sitting opposite me asked
for a refill of the water she was drinking, she
was burning from sin I saw.
Me: He said he left them with you.
Aphindiwe: Uhm, Nomthandazo I don't know off
any house keys zika Mihle. I have 3 weeks not
talking to him so I really don't have time this.
Me: Then why would he say zikuwe? (Then why
would he say they are with you?)
Aphindiwe: Why would he say I have hus keys
when he's around ?
I laughed, the satisfaction I got from hearing
that. So she actually didn't know that he wasn't
around
Me: I see yáll cut all communications
Aphindiwe: Thanks to you.
Me: Thank me, he was going to leave you
anyway.
Aphindiwe: Like he left you?
Me: No you stole him.
She half way standing when she chuckled,
putting her big ass on that chair again
Aphindiwe: Maybe it's about high time we talk
nyani. One, I never took your man. When it
happened it was because he approached me.
Remember when you found us in the kitchen
that very first day, I was seated on the chair
minding my own business when he came to
me...
"And you thought because of that he loved
you?"
Aphindiwe: No, but that's when I knew he
wanted me, in his bed. The very one you shared
with him
I stood up planning to walk away because I was
going to lose it
Me: All I wanted were the keys.
Aphindiwe: Maybe it's about time you let it go. I
didn't steal anything from you, he fell out of love.
I knew I couldn't any more when my hand
connected with her cheek, she was standing as
well so it made things easier.
Me: Don't come with that slutty attitude apha
kum
Aphindiwe: Check yourself, it's not only sex that
keeps a man.
When I threw the second slap she returned it,
leaving a burning sensation on my cheek. Had it
not been for the waiter who was suddenly by
our table telling us to stop because we were
making other customers uncomfortable I would
have strangled her. I stormed to my car,
wanting to kill the bitch. It was ironic how I
thought I'd walk away there angry about the key
business and not that, I didn't exoect her to say
such shit, to be proud of it and to actually lay a
hand on me. I know I had no right to slap her in
the first place but for someone who was
sleeping with your man to treat you in that
manner was a disgrace, it was evidence that not
even your man disciplined her on how to act
around you. I expected him to at least tell her
which boundaries not to cross with me, I was
his fucken baby mama for crying out loud.

Aphindiwe

You won't believe that after that whole saga I

couldn't even attend class, all I thought of was
how she knew he wasn't around when I didn't. If
whatever she said to me was true then I was
going to break, the only time I expected them to
talk was when it involved the baby, not when he
was leaving. A part of me was happy though
that he didn't want her to have access to his
place because that was the only reason he lied,
it all made sense to me why he wanted to see
me. I text him, testing whether the text would
go through or not because when I tried calling
him it sent me straight to voicemail. I grew a
painful lump from all the thoughts and
conclusions I drew in my head. I was starting to
blame myself from not meeting up with him the
time he sent the text, I would have knew he was
going somewhere.
Later on that day Iwent out to spur with my
friends for supper and they wanted me to ill
them in with every little detail. They knew about
the messages I received and adviced me to see
Nomtha first which I agreed to because we
thought Mihle was going to convince me
otherwise, little did I know he wanted to inform
me about lying to her, maybe he would have
told me about going away as well.
Kimberley: So the bitch slapped you?!
I was sipping on my orange with a number in
the air. When I was sure I swallowed properly,I
spoke
"Twice. She slapped me twice."
Kimberley: See why I wanted us to go with her?
She elbowedLoot who was holding a rib
Luthando: Ha.a Kim, wena you were going to
pour a drink on her, throw her with chairs.
Jonga you were going to get us into trouble for
breaking things.
Kimberley: I really need to see this lady. Baby I
think you're too soft for her.
Me: Honestly she's obsessed bra. Like I'm
starting to think she had him with alove potion,
phela that's how witches act when the spell is
finished.
Luthando burst into laughter, she shook her
head while covering her mouth which she kept
opening from laughing
Luthando: You can't be serious!
Me: What else can I think of babe? She's psycho.
I shrugged my shoulders worried more about
Nomthandazo's mental illness than I was about
thae fact that she slapped me
Me: You know something's bothering me
Kimberley: What's that?
Me: Why would he tell her though and not me?
Kimberley: You weren't talking to him.
Me: But that doesn't mean he must just leave.
Luthando: Babe jonga, nawe you're becoming
obsessed ngale ndoda. Look you were ignoring
the guy's calls and texts, he probably added 1
plus 1 wabona you don't want to talk to him.
And as for her, she knows because she wanted
the keys.
Me: What for? Why wouls she want his keys?
Kimberley: Why didn't you ask her?
Me: As if she'd tell me.
I kept quiet staring at my plate and phone. It
was over four hours since I tried reaching him
and there was still no response from him.
Me: Maybe she still sleeps over at his place,
she wouldn't randomly just want his house keys
Kimberley: Stop stressing yourself over these
people babe. I told you once and I'm going to
tell you again, if he loves you he will find his way
back to you. He won't just let things go so easily
because you're giving him a cold shoulder. If he
didn't love you, he'll let you know by letting you
go. As for the bitch, leave her to me to sort out.
Me: I think he is letting go.
Kimberley: Then he didn't want you.
I nodded, trying to swallow the bitter pill she
just gave me. I was holding onto something that
was dying on a daily basis, something I wanted
to build some more but the circumstances
weren't allowing me. Out of the blue I started
feeling anxious, and my heart was hammering
against my chest, accompanied by this feeling
was the dream which kept flashing back in my
mind. A nightmare I had 2 weeks back.
Entry 198

Mihle
I recall the first time I went to check up on her,
the second day of the week after work, and
instead of seeing her, a girl I didn’t quite
recognise stood in front of me blocking my way
through the door.
“Akakabuyi eskolweni (She hasn’t returned from
school)”
Me: Uzobuya nini? (When will she be back?)
She shrugged her shoulder and tilted her head
as if feeling sorry for me
“Andiyazi. She could probably be studying
because sele sizobhala, okanye ukwa Kim
noLoot (She could probably be studying
because we’re close to exams or she could be
at Kim’s with Loot)
I nodded about to turn and walk away when she
held my arm, gently
“Ungamlinda (You can wait for her)”
My eyes dropped from her face to her hand
which was in contact with my arm, she pulled
away after I looked at her with a blank face
Me: Tell her bendifikile (Tell her I was here)
She nodded, stepping back inside the tiled flat. I
turned and headed for the staircase. I couldn’t
even care less about the gesture of that girl
trying to hold me against my will, what I wanted
was to see Aphindiwe and it was urgent. I was
trying to figure out why she hadn’t come to see
me when I asked her to. Shaking my head, I
made way to my car. I was bothered by many
things than one, it was getting to me how she
just decided to shut me out and didn’t want me
to have any say in that. I couldn’t quite make
out what was the cause of her actions, she
didn’t seem like someone who was entirely mad
at me the last time her and I conversed but the
way she suddenly did things. I couldn’t add
what was going on and being left clueless
frustrated me.
The only thing I could when I got to my place
was to cook, work on my laptop and check on
some stuff back at the field. I know you are
probably wondering didn’t I close it down; I was
at the process of doing so until I couldn’t come
with any strategy of how I was going to release
the ladies and have none of them tell the out
world. It was impossible, no matter how much
bribe we handed out to them or the life threats
we would give them, one or two out of the 36 I
had would sell-out. The thought of it drove me
crazy, it was one of the reasons I didn’t want to
go but my Captains insisted, giving me valid
reasons why the journey would be an advantage
to my career. I was still young and needed such
opportunities but to be out of the country for
two years, leaving behind my family, an illegal
business I was running and a relationship I
wanted to mend so badly, didn’t sound like an
advantage to me.
I sighed, changing the television for the third
time. My leaving wasn’t just a worry to myself
but to my crew as well. Nkululeko wouldn’t stop
complaining about how much of a short notice
it was, the struggle he’d get from being CEO for
that period. Well he was right, he was going to
have a hard time for two reasons; he didn’t think
like I did and the other, team members never
took him seriously. He was very strategic and
an individual full of ideas but he lacked
authority, and that’s why he was worried.
“If I return and we’ve made loss instead of profit,
ndizonyela wena.”
Was what I had said to him when I addressed
the team, informing them about the journey I
were to embark. I wouldn’t be much stressed if
Bulelani was part of this particular business but
he never wanted in from day 1, he made it clear
he wasn’t doing anything illegal. The club
needed to run and they had to push, that was
the only way to get food on their tables so if I
came back and shit wasn’t happening, I was
closing it.

I had less than a week left in Cape Town and in

total, eleven days in South Africa. I was heading
to Sudan, with 2 other partners from my
department, and another 6 from the other
different departments. We were the only
professionals, and the rest of the crew were
trainees. I wasn’t much present at the office
that week because of being busy withmy
personal problems, I was excused for they knew
there were many things I needed to get done
prior to flying the country. Going to Sudan did
not mean I wouldn’t return again until two years,
I was, but only after 6 months of being there
would I get a chance to visit for a useless two
weeks.
When I addressed the matter to Nomthandazo
she became dramatic obviously, I think we all
know by now the type of character she is. She
made a big deal of it, even ended up begging
me to go out on a date with her for the last time,
I was confused, not understanding how
someone could act like I was dying.
I was then sitting at a table in a restaurant
opposite her, with my son next to her. It was
strictly a friendly date and nothing close to
picture perfect and she knew and understood
that. I couldn’t move my eyes from my breed, he
was growing every passing day and what
scared me was how much he looked like me. I
was just hoping he wouldn’t be like me, I didn’t
want him to inherit any characteristic of mine.
Nomthandazo: So uhamba Sunday? (So you’re
leaving Sunday?)
Me: To Pretoria yes, then phaya we are going to
fly from OR Tambo on Wednesday.
Nomthandazo: nihamba nodwa?
I shook my head, pulling the fork out of my
mouth.
“I think we have 15 new people we boarding
with. Ngaba bayokwenza itraining.”
Nomthandazo: Ladies as well
I furrowed my eyebrows and looked at her with
disinterest and shock simultaneously. That was
the first uninteresting thing she had uttered
since we sat at that table, and she knew better
than to annoy me at that moment and time. She
still managed to see through me even after
spending months away from me because for
the first 10 minutes seated in my car she could
sense I wasn’t alright. Stress was feeding on
me, nothing was going my way.

On Saturday while driving back from the mall I

decided to pass by at Aphindiwe’s place to bid
my goodbyes. I wanted to see her, at least to
hug her then. But again to my unfortunate luck
she wasn’t available. Like bad Déjà vu, the same
girl was standing in front of me trying her luck
at me once again
Me: Could you please call her?
Siyasanga: Uhm she left her phone I think,
khame ndizame uLuthando.
I waited, looking at this young lady who finally
told me her name, I remembered hearing
Aphindiwe mention it the time of the incident.
She tried Luthando again prior to shrugging her
shoulders
Me: Were they going out?
Aphindiwe: No they left besiya kwa Kim, I don’t
know if they planned on going out or not.
I sighed, looking away from her. There’s no
other way to put it either than to say my heart
was aching. If I was a girl I’d probably spend
that night crying because of how I felt that
moment.
Me: Ndizobuya (I’ll be back)
Siyasanga: Okay.
I returned to my car and brought back to
Siyasanga what I had bought for Aphindiwe. A
bouquet of white flowers, as pure as her. A
white envelope with two things inside, a letter
written on a paper torn from an exam pad and a
promise ring like she had insisted, months back
she explained to me what it meant to her.
There was my white t-shirt which she liked
wearing whenever she was at my place.
Whether she used it as a pyjama, or made use
of it the same way I did I didn’t care, all I wanted
was for her to wear it whenever she could.
For the third time in my life, I prayed silently,
that she makes it to her flat before dawn so she
would contact me before I left. There was
nothing more than I longed like holding her so
she’d hear my heart beat and still know it beat
for her. I wanted her to wait for me but how was
she going to do that when I already knew I had
lost her. She belonged to another, all I had to do
was take the fall , bounce back and move on.
She wasn't mine anymore.
ENTRY 198

Aphindiwe

We were on our way to city centre Cape Town

when I missed two calls from Mamomdala. She
barely called me, she was a person who wrote
messages checking up on me so her calling
could mean one thing and one thing only,
urgency. Luthando took in the look on my face
and questioned
“Is everything okay?”
Me: I doubt, my aunt just called and she never
does.
Kimberley: Get back to her so we can have fun
in peace. Nothing is as annoying as having guilt
whilst trying to get drunk.
Luthando: Same as having guilt of cheating
whilst trying to get your ass laid.
Me: Oh wow, I think you need some girl.
Luthando: Haibo njani ngoku, bendifumene?
(Wo how now, when I recently got some?)
I laughed, notching her with my elbow.
Me: It slipped my mind
I said aloud after my last laugh. I was still
purchasing airtime via cellphone banking and
whilst doing that I couldn’t stop but wonder
what the problem was. When I finally did buy
the airtime I rang her back
Me: Mamomdala
Mamomdala: Molweni sisi, uright?
Me: Ndiyaphila mamomdala akhonto unjani?
(All is well great aunt, how are you?)
I picked up from her tone that something wasn’t
right but I wasn’t going to ask because I didn’t
want to know. If it were bad news, then I was
okay.
Mamomdala: Kuright sisi. Mntana ka bhuti
uxolo ngokukhupha ezindaweni zakho
Mambhele kodwa khaw’khawuleze ufike apha
endlini mntanam (It’s all right. My brother’s
daughter I apologise for removing you from
your place but please do arrive her immediately
my child)
I was convinced I wasn’t going to ask because I
wasn’t the type to handle bad news in a good
way, but the way she sounded drove me into a
place I didn’t want to be, and I found myself
questioning
“Is everything okay Mamomdala?”
Mamomdala: Ewe sisi. Uzobanayo imali
yokhwela? (Yes child. Will you have money for
transport?)
Me: Ewe Mama
After telling me one more time to arrive as soon
as I could she ended the call. I suddenly felt
uneasy because when something wasn’t right
back home you knew something wasn’t right no
matter how much you didn’t visit.
Me: I have to leave.
Kimberley: Are you serious?
Me: I’m dead serious.
Luthando: Akhonto embi kodwa?
Me: Akathethi Mamomdala, uthi I must arrive
home qha
Kimberley: Dude you do know we can’t drive
back to Bosch right?
Me: It’s okay, I will catch a taxi in town.
Kimberley: Are you sure? You don’t mind right?
Me: No I don’t.
After that I couldn’t think of anything else but
the problem back home. I don’t recall how many
times I prayed that it wasn’t my father, I don’t
know what I’d be if it was him, I don’t know
what would become of me. Every time I thought
of a different situation my anxiety grew
stronger, no matter how less worse my
imagination was making the situation, my
anxiety just kept growing. I was scared.
I remember how uncomfortable I was in the taxi
back home; I was busy fiddling with my dress
and biting my nails just an attempt to get the
thought out of mind. Had Mihle been around it
was only going to take him one glance at me
and he would know I wasn’t okay. The thought
of him made me smile, I wondered how he was
doing wherever he was. I changed sitting
positions about way too many times prior to
pulling my phone out of my bag and dialling his
number, I just had to check that he was okay
and wasn’t the one I was being called for. The
thought made my heart hammer hard against
my chest. Twice the times I tried calling him his
phone sent me to voicemail, so my eager-self
sent him an SMS with hopes that he’d get back
to me. My worries made me forget that I vowed
on not talking to him until he reached out, I felt
like the past months of our relationship I was
always the one who had to understand,
apologise and agree to everything even though
he was the one at fault. I wanted him to know
what it felt like when he was drifting away from
me, I just hoped that he wouldn’t give up the
chase.
When the cab pulled through at my destination I
felt my stomach turn, had I eaten something, I
would throw up. I paid and stepped out of the
car. I could literally feel the black cloud hanging
over the yard immediately when I walked
through the gates, it was easy for me to tell
something wasn’t right. After a short, silent
prayer I stepped in front of the door and
knocked. After my second knock Azola was
standing in front of me and smiling, however, it
wasn’t her usual smile
Azola: Hey mntase
Me: Hello.
I gave her a hug and stepped inside. She helped
me with my bag and continued to the lounge
before I could ask what the problem was. When
I appeared I saw a couple of unfamiliar faces
seated on the couches and on chairs, it was
three ladies who were between the age ka
Sivuyisiwe and Nomthandazo.
Mamomdala: Phindi, molo Mambhele.
Me: Molweni mamomdala.
She gave me a side hug before running her
hands down her apron. I scanned the room and
saw that Nomthandazo was crying, Sivu looked
like she had shed a tear as well whilst the other
two ladies were comforting Nomtha. I wasn’t
about to lose my breath yet but a voice told me
whatever was happening concerned Mihle. I
found a seat next to Azola and placed my
handbag next to my feet
Mamomdala: Mambhele
Me: Mamomdala
Mamomdala: Kubi apha ekhaya, unyana ka
Nomthandazo noMihle uyagula, pulse yakhe
ibenga respondi ncam uhamba kwethu
isibhedlele. (Nothing’s great here at home,
Nomthandazo and Mihle’s son is sick, his pulse
wasn’t responding well when we left the
hospital.)
I passed a glance at Nomtha prior to my mind
rushing to Mihle, he will be devastated wherever
he is
“Kudala sifuna inumber ka Mihle le
ayisebenzisa eSudan kodwa asinayo. Nomtha
uthi unganayo wena (We’ve been wanting
Mihle’s number the one he’s using in Sudan but
we don’t have it. Nomtha said you would.)
Me: Andinayo Mam’dala, I didn’t even know he
was in Sudan.
Nomthandazo looked at me for the second time
since I stepped into her home. I swear if she
wasn’t hurt, she would have been smiling or
laughing in my face. Mamomdala let out a
disappointed sigh then nooded. I looked at the
mother of the child then at Sivuyisiwe who
m I believed would have a better answer to my
question, there was no way Nomtha was in the
state of explaining her child’s sickness.
Me: What’s wrong with him?
Sivuyisiwe: Ayiveli. The doctor’s don’t know qha
umntana just started heating up yesterday
morning, then we thought it was a cold then all
of a sudden he wouldn’t stop crying,
akaphefumli kakhule (he isn't breathing
properly).
Me: Did you try Mihle’s work, or one of his
friend’s place, nimbuze ngenumber?
Nomthandazo: It’s Saturday, they don’t work on
weekends and I don’t have any of his friends
numbers.
Me: I know kwa bhut’Bulelani, we can drive
there and go ask.
I was trying to hide the hurt I felt from all that, I
understand he was rejected on my phone but
Mihle had other plans. I had him rejected ages
ago but his stubborn self still knew about my
whereabouts, so why couldn’t he reach out and
let me know he was fleeing the country? I mean
it couldn’t be that difficult.
Mamomdala: Sivuyisiwe ndicela nihambe
mntanam, kheniyojonga loBulelani (Sivuyisiwe
please go my child and check on this Bulelani.)
Azola, myself and Sivu left the house and
jumped into Sivu’s countryman. There was
silence in the car unless the times when I was
directing her. Bulelani’s suburbs weren’t far
from Belville and I knew where he stayed
because I been there a couple of times, with
Kimberley and Luthando as well. In a matter of
25 minutes we were parking at the lawn,
outside the yard
Azola: Akho zinja mos apha? (They aren’t any
dogs here right?)
I could’ve have laughed had the atmosphere
been different but I didn’t have the chance, so
instead I shook my head. What was going to
make me laugh was how surprised I was that
she feared dogs, the fear didn’t fit her.
I couldn’t shift my mind from thinking about
Nomthandazo and a huge part of me felt guilty
as hell. She had a miscarriage a few years back,
I came into her life and took what seemed to be
holding her together and now her son was in
hospital fighting for his life at 5 months. I felt
huge sympathy for both her and Mihle but her
problems seemed bigger than his for some
weird reason, and I couldn’t help but feel I was
responsible for some of her unhappiness.
I snapped back to reality when the door swung
open and just the man we were looking for
stood at the doorway
“Molweni. Aphindiwe.”
Me: Molweni bhuti, asihlelanga. Xolo
ngokuphazamisa, sicela number ka Mihle lena
ndinayo ayingeni (Hello brother, we are not here
to stay. Sorry for disturbing you, can we have
Mihle’s number the one I have doesn’t go
through.)
He looked at me with talking eyes before he
nodded, stepping back inside the house. I bet
he wanted to ask why wouldn’t Mihle give me
his new number that was if he had a new
number.
He returned with his phone and smiled at me,
handing me the phone
Bulelani: Yonke into iright? (Is everything okay?)
Sivuyisiwe: Hayi, uyagula uLakhe (No, Lakhe is
sick)
I had almost forgot that they knew each other,
way before I came to the Cape. My forward ass
was ready to address him already like I was the
only one who knew the guy
Bulelani: Kwenzakantoni? (What’s happening?)
I rang the new number from Bulelani’s phone
and handed it to Sivuyisiwe on the second ring,
she took it and stepped aside. I wanted to talk
to him so badly but I couldn’t be the one to
deliver these news to him. I couldn’t stop
looking at Sivu from five feet away, wondering
what he was saying to her
Bulelani: Anithethi? (Y’all aren’t talking?)
I shook my head, still feeling down from it. I
understand I had to worry about what was
going on but I couldn’t help but think of why he
didn’t tell me. What was I to this guy again?
Sivuyisiwe approached us, disturbing my
thoughts
“Uthi he’ll arrange a flight immediately and fly
back kodwa uthi angabalapha Monday or
Tuesday (He says he’ll arrange a flight
immediately and fly back but that could be
Monday or Tuesday.)
Bulelani: Okay. Please keep me updated
ngalentwana ke.
We all nodded before bedding our goodbyes.
Azola: Did you take his number?
Me: No.
Sivuyisiwe: Ndiyithathile mna (I took it)
If he didn’t want me to know he was in Sudan
then clearly he didn’t want me to have his
number so nam ndandingazozinyhala
mntakabawo (so I too wasn’t going to force
myself in him).
When we returned back home I had to witness
Nomthandazo call him, talk to him and cry to
him whilst I was seated there trying to make out
his response to everything she was saying.
I’m sure wayengamteketisi haisoka, ekhala
ngooBhelekazi wam, Mambhele wethu,
Mamom’ntanam. I had to fight the urge of
rolling my eyes, I had to remember this was
about the child, and not the two of them.

On Sunday there was no church, we visited the

hospital instead and I waited on the cold
benches while the family was inside. I asked to
be excused from it all, I just couldn’t stand
seeing such a young soul plugged with pipes.
Azola walked out of the ward and sat next to
me, I looked at her prior to holding her forearm
“Unjani? (How is he?)”
Azola: No progress. Instead kuthethwa nge
heart operations and all. (No progress. Instead
they’re talking about heart operations and all.)
I wanted to say something but I couldn’t, I was
loss for words and I am not the type to console
and convince people that it’ll be alright. 3 years
later and I was still crying about my mother’s
death.
Monday I went to school and came back with
another bag because my stay was going to be
long. I couldn’t leave the family during such
times, I had all the money I needed to take me
to school and back so I was going to travel
everyday until Simlindile was alright. I was used
to using his father’s name because that’s the
name I ever heard when he spoke of his son.

Tuesday afternoon we all went to hospital, with

Tatomdala around. Apparently he had gone
home for some blessings and came back with
uDabs wam who seemed strict and
unwelcoming. She was the one person in the
family who didn’t have to be reminded who I
was because she claimed she saw her brother
in me. I know my father was attractive AF but
for me to look like a man, then I must be hella
bad. We were gathered in the lounge after a
short prayer, listening to lo Dabawo uthetha
nyani advising Nomthandazo on what to do.
They were talking about church a lot, and I’m
sorry to say this but my father prayed for my
mother’s health and still lost her. I had this thing
bugging me, telling me to talk and tell them to
see a traditional healer but it wasn’t my place to
talk, what did I know?
We were still in the middle of the listening game
when there was a knock at the door, and
knowing whom it was my body heated instantly.
I was always nervous being around him and
family because I couldn’t even look his way,
people would assume we were still attaching
our private parts together. I was forever uneasy
because Nomthandazo made sure I was.
I felt his eyes on me before I even looked up at
him, and by the time I did he was already staring
at Nomthandazo who was walking to him.
Immediately when he enveloped her in his arms
she let out a cry, a loud, dramatic one. I don’t
mean to be hating apha but y’all have to
understand that I was so used to her pulling
acts just to make me feel awkward about being
part of this family so now I couldn’t even tell if
she was really touched by seeing him, or she
wanted to paint yet another picture for me.
After what seemed like forever he pulled back
and dried her cheeks, his shirt was already
soaking wet from her tears. He was looking as
handsome as fuck, like something to be eaten
in fact. He was dressed in denim jeans, a white
shirt which was tucked in and unbuttoned
revealing his chest, a brown belt which matched
with brown shoes. He looked like meat on a
plate I couldn’t have because I was suddenly a
vegetarian.
He made himself comfortable next to her and
was filled in with everything. I noticed after
every glance we shared he’d look at everybody
around me just so it didn’t seem like he was
checking me out, however, his stares on me
were much longer. I don’t know how and why I
suddenly grew this confidence to speak but
when they continued their talk about holy
waters and all kinds of priests I grew this
irritation because this woman didn’t even know
the man she claimed she loved.
I cleared my throat, earning everybody’s
attention. I tried shutting out the idea that my
father’s older siblings were in the room and
would definitely feel disrespected and
undermined by me, I spoke
Me: Awungumntu wecawe, why don’t you
consult a traditional healer? (You are not a
church person, why don’t you consult a
traditional leader?)
He looked at me, almost thanking me for not
letting him down. I couldn’t smile nor dance but
trust me my heart smiled about hundred times
in five seconds. He opened his mouth about to
talk when the queen of the house spoke first
“Why uzocinga isangoma kuthethwa ngecawe,
yintoni le uyifake kumntanam? (Why would you
think of a sangoma during a church
conversation, what did you put in my child?)”
And my big mouth got me into trouble once
again. There she was seated there, almost
fuming to her last nerve, waiting for me to
explain myself after she changed my words. I
remember just opening my mouth to speak but
nothing came out, I mean I was flushed.
Nomthandazo: Thetha! (Speak!)
Mihle and Tatomdala: Nomthandazo!
She looked at her baby daddy first before
looking at her father
Tatomdala: Hayi.
Nomthandazo; Naku ebayabayaza (Here she is
stuttering)
Mihle: Could you just!
He stopped talking and closed his eyes. I think
he remembered where he was, he knew better
than shouting at her under the Dabula roof
Mihle: Can we look at the reason why silapha.
This is about my son.
Nomthandazo: Then ask your esisfebe sakho
why the hell would she speak of something we
believe not apha endlini during the hard times
for mntanam.
Me: I had to remind you that awumazi uMihle
like you think...
Nomthandazo: Uligqwirha gqithi
Me: Maybe you should take your son kokwabo
and stop accusing me for nonsense. Stop living
like a brat ugoduse umntana!
What was I to do when she screamed that loud
at me about something that would never cross
my mind. She looked at me with eyes filled with
disbelief. She was probably thinking I wanted to
rob her her son after taking her man but I
couldn't ive a clean fuck anymore. I stood up
and stormed pass them towards the passage
but was stopped by Mihle who held tight of my
arm
Me: Ndiyeke (Leave me)
I removed his hand from my arm. She could
have painted me of anything but that. I admitted
to being a man stealer but I definitely wasn’t a
witch.
ENTRY 200

Mihle

After standing up holding her hand I knew every

pair of eyes in that house was probably looking
at me, at us, observing what reaction she’d give
me. She roughly pulled her hand free from my
grip
“Ndiyeke!” was the word that came out of her
mouth prior to her continuing with storming
towards the passage. I shook my head,
returning to my seat. If this wasn’t about my
son, I would have left already. I heard no words
to say after what Nomthandazo did because if I
were to speak I would probably embarrass her
in front of her family, so I kept quiet
Mr Dabula: Nomthandazo Dabula andiyifuni
lento ugqiboyenza ngongathi azange
sakukhulisa ngambeko nomama
(Nomthandazo Dabula I do not approve of what
you just did as if your mother and I didn’t raise
you with respect)
Nomthandazo: Kodwa tat… (But father…)
Mr Dabula: Ndithetha nawe! Ufuna uphendula?!
(I am talking to you! Do you want to back chat?)
Nomthandazo: Hayi tata (No father)
Mr Dabula: Ndithi kuwe andiyifuni lento
ogqib’yenza and asoze uphinde uyenze apha
kwam uyandivha? (I am saying to you I do not
approve of what you just did and never again
will you do that in my house, do you hear me?)
She nodded looking at her hands, and the old
man kept his flaming eyes on her. I was about
to nudge her softly with my elbow but her
mother interrupted me
Mrs Dabula: Nomthandazo
She called her daughter’s name softly, Nomtha
looked up and stared at her mother prior to
looking at the man of the house
“Ewe tata.”
Mr Dabula: Azola
Azola: Tata
Mr Dabula: Hambolanda Aphindiwe (Go fetch
Aphindiwe).
There was awkward silence until Azola and
Phindi were both seated next to each other like
they were before the quarrel. Knowing my
Aphindiwe, I could she was still mad, it was
written in the way she kept looking at me then
at Nomtha. I am pretty sure at that very
moment she despised me just as much as she
did with Nomthandazo. I could have removed
myself from that seat and went over to comfort
her but I wasn’t allowed, not under the watch of
everybody there.
Mr Dabula: Aphindiwe?
Aphindiwe: Tatomdala?
Mr Dabula: Nomthandazo?
Nomthandazo: Tata?
Mr Dabula: Ndifuna nobabini nindimamele and
nindivisise kakuhle bantwana bam (I want both
of you to listen to me and hear me clearly my
children). I will not have abantwana abaziphethe
okwe ndlavini apha kwam, besilwela indoda
yomnye umzi. Niyandivha? (I will not have
children carry themselves as lunatics fighting
for a man in my house. Do you hear me?)
They simultaneously said yes, deceiving the
man. Well, maybe Aphindiwe wasn’t because
with every fifth second I passed my glance to
her, and I knew when she was terrified and
when she wasn’t and right then, the man kind of
freaked her out so I knew she could be taking
the lecture a little too serious unlike the lady
that was on my left.
Mr Dabula: Andizophinda ndithethe ngalento (I
will not talk about this again).
Me: Ndicela uthetha tata (Can I ask father?)
Mr Dabula: Ewe Nyawuza
Me: Into ebendirhalela uyixasa yile ibethethwa
nguAphindiwe, ngasizathu soba ekhaya
singabantu bamasiko gqithi. Not wanting to
make you feel like andiyihloniphi indlela zenu, I
would advise kujongwe macala obabini
kuzokoneliseka each family (What I would like
to support is what Aphindiwe said, with the
reason that at my home we are traditional
people. Not wanting to make you feel like I don’t
respect you ways, I would advise we look at
both solutions so there can be fulfilment in
each family.)
Mr Dabula: Watsho wathetha okwe ndoda nyani
ke nyana. Bendithule nje ndifuna uza nesolution.
Haike ndiyavuya xa ukwazi ucinga. (You spoke
like a man son. I was quiet because I wanted
you to raise a solution. I’m happy that you can
think this well.)
I nodded, averting my eyes to the lady across
the room. I wanted to hug her so badly because
she still didn’t look happy and I was bothered by
that.
Mr Dabula: Niyivele nonke into ethethwe
nguMihle, khona enirhalela uyi add. Nkosikazi?
(You all heard what Mihle said, is there anything
you would like to add. Wife?)
Mrs Dabula: Hayi no tata, I am happy about
everything mna.
“Uright nawe Bhelekazi? (You are fine as well
Bhekelazi?)”
He asked his sister, the old lady just nodded
then looked at me
Dabawo : Kodwa mntanam ndingathanda ubane
moment nje nawe (But my child I would like to
have a moment with you)
Me: Mna ma?
Dabawo: Ewe.
Nomthandazo: Sisezoya es’bhedlele Dabs
maybe xa sibuya (We are still going to the
hospital Aunt, maybe when we return)
Dabawo: Hayti noba kungomso wethu (No, even
if it’s tomorrow.)
Me: Alright. Sizothetha Mambhele (We will talk
Mmabhele)
After a short while Nomthandazo, Sivuyisiwe
and myself left for the hospital. I didn’t know
how I was feeling really, I didn’t even think I was
strong enough for this. I knew my situation
would have been better if Aphindiwe was with
us but I couldn’t bring her with for obvious
reasons. When we got at the hospital I was
already panicking, I hated the place and hated it
even more when someone close to me was
laying on one of those beds. Nomthandazo took
my hand after looking at me
“Are you okay?”
Me: Not a bit, but I will be. Ndifuna nje umbon
uba unjani ( I just want to see how he’s doing)
We stepped in when she was ready because I
knew deep down I could never ever be ready
seeing my son in that condition. The situation I
had imagined in my mind was better than what I
saw in that ward, maybe I was imagining things
a little less worse so I couldn’t hurt myself but
that didn’t help because when I stood about
four feet from that cottage, my heart ached and
I knew I was cracking. Nomthandazo squeezed
my hand and softly dragged me so we’d
continue but I stood still, almost feeling like I
had lost him already.
Me: Can I have some time alone with him?
Nomthandazo: Are you sure?
Me: Ewe.
I wouldn’t tell you what she did after that
because my eyes were glued on that baby bed.
Never did I picture my child stuffed with four
pipes in his tiny body, I mean he was only five
months old. After gaining all the strength I had, I
cautiously stepped forward and took a glimpse
of his tiny body. He didn’t seem to be in pain or
maybe that’s because he was sleeping. I
passed my glance to the machine on the side of
the bed showing his heart pulse and all other
pulses important to the doctors, I knew his
heart rate was normal by just looking at that
machine. Sighing, I looked at him again
Me: Nyawuza, ndim ndoda encinci ka tata. I
need you to fight boy because (silence)
Ndabindeka (I choked) I couldn’t talk any further
as I leaned on the cottage with my eyes closed.
I was trying not to break because in such
circumstances I had to be the strongest. I was
always reminded back home that when you
were going through the most times in your life
crying wasn’t an option because if it was an evil
spirit that was doing that to you, then you crying
would only give it more power and control over
you.
I only lifted my head again when the pain eased
Me: Vuka boy. You’re my little soldier and I need
you to get up. Vuka Jama.
I had so much I wanted to say to him but I didn’t
know where to start so instead of saying
anything, I continued begging him to wake up,
that was before Nomthandazo appeared at the
door with her sister
Nomthandazo: Can we say our goodbyes,
ubethile u8.
I moved away from the cottage giving them
some space. I watched how she interacted with
him and it warmed my heart, a way so strange
and foreign. I use the concept foreign because I
knew the feelings, I used to feel it towards her
but that was a long time ago, so when it
returned it seemed quite new. I knew I couldn’t
be feeling anything strong towards her, it was
just the soft I had for my baby mama.
The journey back home seemed a little tense
because none of us had much to say to the
other, I am thinking our worry was lurking over
every positive thought we tried to have of him
lying there. I didn’t drive my car inside the yard
when we arrived because I were to leave in no
longer than ten minutes but I had to leave
formally. We walked into the lounge and found
Aphindiwe and Azola watching television
Nomthandazo: ooMama balele? (Is mother and
father sleeping?)
Azola: Ha.a bayahlamba, Dabs yena ulele (No
they’re bathing, Aunt is sleeping)
Me: It’s okay you will tell them bendizochaza
uba ndimnkile.
Nomthandazo: Okay baby
Me: Goodnight then.
I turned and was about to leave when I felt this
urge of wanting to talk to Aphindiwe. When I
stormed in my traces I was aware Nomtha was
already looking at me because she was already
walking beside me, endikhupha
Nomthandazo: Yintoni? (What is it?)
Me: I want to talk to Aphindiwe.
Nomthandazo: Intoni?! (What?!)
Me: I have to talk to her.
Nomthandazo: Ngantoni? (About what?)
She looked at me with a questioning look for
over a minute, and when I didn’t answer she
sighed and nodded
“But ndicela undixelele xa uzohamba (But
please tell me when you’re going to leave).”
Me: Sure.
Aphindiwe was still seated on the couch waiting
for me to address her. I knew she heard
Nomtha and I speak but when she didn’t move I
presumed she didn’t want to be accused of
being all over me. I knew she had had enough
of the accusations.
I looked straight into her eyes and spoke
“Can I talk to you Mmabhele?”
I couldn’t quite read the look she gave me prior
to dragging herself off the couch and pushing
her feet into her slippers. She followed me
outside and leaned against the door right after
closing it. Her arms were folded over her chest
and for some reason she looked annoyed, I
knew she wanted to speak but she refrained
from it
Me: Unjani? (How are you?)
Aphindiwe: Bendizoba njani? (How was I going
to be?)
I opened my mouth wanting to spit back with an
attitude as well but I was blocked, the thought
of my son lying on that bed was the only thing
in my head. I closed my mouth subsequently
closing my eyes attempting to get a grip of
everything.
Me: Kutheni undiqumbele? (Why are you mad at
me?)
Aphindiwe: I am not mad
Me: I know you Aphindiwe. Yintoni? (What is it?)
Aphindiwe: Can we talk toro.
Me: Kanti senzani. (And what are we doing?)
She looked at me and snorted. There was
silence and it was irritating, I don’t know why
she was sulking and I was too stressed and
hurt to be dragging that out of her
Me: Why the fuck are you mad?
I asked taking steps towards her and just when
I was about to touch her, she flinched rising her
hands to stop me. I hated that, she knew I hated
that and I felt I was being tempted
“I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with you
and I don’t have the energy to beg. I have a son
dying, I have to find a way to beg this fucken
God that people believe in to safe my son, I
can’t be begging you too. I hope ngomso xa
ndilapha you’ll speak.”
I knew I was saying all that between gritted
teeth because it was the only way to express
my irritation that night, I couldn’t yell, I wasn’t in
my yard. I looked at her for the last time hoping
she’d say something but her cute ass was still
sulking so I turned and walked away. I was
stopped by her voice
Aphindiwe: Why wouldn’t you tell me uya
eSudan?
I turned around and faced her, she looked
shuttered. I knew she wasn’t acting, she didn’t
know.
Me: Where are the things I left you?
Aphindiwe: What things?
I approached her, closing the gap between us,
and stood just a foot away from her
Me: I came to your place twice ndifuna ukubona,
one Saturday and the following week on Sunday.
She relaxed a bit
Aphindiwe: No you didn’t.
Me: I spoke to lamntana nihlala naye, and I left
some things kuye for you, that was on Sunday
before flying to Pretoria wathi you’re out with
ooKhalima.
Aphindiwe: What?
Mihle: (laughs) so you didn’t get anything?
Aphindiwe: No. Why you laughing this isn’t
funny Mihle.
Me: I know it isn’t but your face, damn.
Aphindiwe: I’m pissed
Me: You are.
She smacked my chest and shook her head, her
eyebrows were still furrowed
“What were they?”
Me: Ndizok’thumelela ipicture yazo (I will send
you a picture)
Aphindiwe: But why wouldn’t she give them to
me?
I didn’t answer her, not because I couldn’t but
because my eyes were on her lips, I had over
two months not kissing her, not touching her
the way I wanted to.
Aphindiwe: Are you even listening to me?
I moved closer and she took a two steps back,
trapping herself between the door and I. I ran
my hand on her exposed thigh and she
immediately smacked it away and I knew the
only way to get her to kiss me was if I took her
lips in mine. She struggled at first, trying to
push me away but when my hand found its way
into her pyjama shorts and met her ass, she
grabbed tight of my shirt. I knew she never wore
panties at night after bathing, that’s why I had
such confidence that I was going to get where I
wanted to get. If there was anything which had
her body heating up it was my hand against her
ass, because I think she knew where I was
headed after that. It was something which got
her both excited and nervous.
I pushed my hand between her butt cheeks and
start massaging her anus. Instantly when my
middle finger touched her anus her breathing
increased. I pulled back from the kiss and
looked at her, her angelic face was the
reasoning my dick was hardening. I had told
myself I wasn’t going to take things as far as I
did but looking at her eyes closed, her bottom
lip between her teeth and her chest rising up
and down the way it was, made me push my
finger in and she moaned a little too loud than I
expected. I crashed my lips on hers trying to
suppress the sound she made. When I pushed
my middle finger deeper into her she held my
wrist too tight, moaning against my mouth.
I wanted to stop but the urge of getting her to
moan even louder took over me so I moved my
other hand from her waist and held her hand.
She tightened her grip on my wrist but couldn’t
win the battle because she freed mine when I
tightened my hold on her hand. I forced two
fingers deep in her and she let out a sharp
moan, one which I knew was loud even with my
mouth against her. I stopped everything and
pulled back examining her face, she looked like
someone who was trying to bare pain
Me: Did I hurt you?
Her left hand was still holding my forearm and
she was digging her nails into my skin. I could
feel burning sensation her nails were making on
my skin but I couldn’t care less about that, it
was her I was concerned about
Me: Aphindiwe
Aphindiwe: Mhuh?
Yep, I hurt her. It was evident in her voice, in her
face. Then I felt it, that feeling I didn’t want to
feel.
Me: Ndijonge (Look at me)
She was loosening her hold on my arm but still
had her eyes closed
“Look at me.”
She did, and I regretted asking her. It was not
only her face which portrait pain but her eyes as
well
Me: I’m sorry.
She nodded, searching for my eyes. I looked
away, letting her waist go. I stepped away from
her and felt the demon in me breathing. I
wanted to shut the thought out but it came
breaking whatever wall I was building for it not
to pass through. She touched my hand but I
withdrew it
Aphindiwe: Are you okay?
Me: Ya.
There was silence and all that could be heard
was the night wind and the tress dancing to it. I
turned around and looked at her. She was
worried
Me: I’ll see you tomorrow.
I placed a kiss on her forehead and went for the
gate. I could feel her eyes on me and I wanted
to turn around and convince her that I was okay
but I knew I wasn’t. The thought of feeling like a
rapist was overwhelming me. What I felt when
she stopped me was the exact same thing I felt
with Lelovuyo when I continued raping her – the
feeling of wanting to proceed even when I’m
being stopped. I knew she was stopping me by
holding my wrist but for some reason I felt it
would be good if I didn’t, I felt it would be
satisfaction if she screamed louder than before.
Sweating uncontrollably, I stepped into my car
and left the door opened. I held tight of the
steering wheel and tried calming myself down,
the less I thought of it the better. With my eyes
closed, I breathed in and out about four times if
I remember well and when I opened them still
not feeling any better, I knew something must
have triggered me. i knew something might
have gotten me upset and the monster in me
was feeding on it. Whenever I felt agony, taking
it out on others made It happy and gave It life. It
was awaken and ready to battle me.