Shrek

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d man is pouring a glass of milk. Another man is shown walking down the hallway towards a set of doors. As he is let into the room by two guards, we can see that the man is abnormally short. The masked man is dunking what looks to be a small person into the glass of milk.

AAD: (stepping forward) That's enough. He's ready to talk.

ngerbread Man is pulled out of the milk by Thelonious and is slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad manically laughs as he walks over to the table. When he reaches the table we see that he is too short to see above it. He clears his throat and the table is lowered.

AAD: (he picks up the Gingy's severed legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man!

You're a monster!

AAD: I'm not the monster here, you are. (throws one leg at Gingy) You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world (crumbles his other leg into dust). Now, tell me! Where are the others?!

Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's eye.)

AAD: I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...(he grabs one of Gingy's gumdrop buttons)

No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons!

AAD: All right then. Who's hiding them?

Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?

AAD: The muffin man?

RBREAD MAN: The muffin man.

AAD: Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane?

RBREAD MAN: Well, she's married to the muffin man.

AAD: (Shocked) The muffin man?

RBREAD MAN: The muffin man!

AAD: She's married to the muffin man...

pens and the Captain of the Duloc Guards steps in.

N: My lord! We've found it.

AAD: Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in!

ards enter carrying an object covered by a sheet. They mount it on the wall and the Captain removes the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror. Everyone stands in awe.

RBREAD MAN: Ohhhh...

AAD: Magic mirror...

RBREAD MAN: Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad smacks him off the table and a trash can. ) No!

AAD: Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?

R: Well, technically you're not a king.

AAD: Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying?

R: What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.

AAD: Go on.

R: (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And...here they are!

gameshow music begins to play. Using himself as a screen, the Magic Mirror reveals three shadowy portraits of princesses. Farquaad seems confused but watches on silently.

R: Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime! Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome... Cinderella!

e of Cinderella doing housework flips to a portrait of Cinderella in her ball gown putting on the glass slipper. Farquaad looks at her approvingly and the Captain claps.

R: Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy.

e of the Seven Dwarves flashes on the screen. The guards laugh at the Mirror's joke.

R: Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is.! Come on, give it up for Snow White!

or shows a portrait of Snow White in her slumber. Farquaad seems even more pleased, and everyone else claps this time.

R: And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava!

or shows an image of a giant dragon besides a tower and then of a giant castle surrounded by lava. A bright fire shines on the screen and Farquaad covers his eyes. This doesn't seem to deter his interest.

R: But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona!

or shows a portrait of Princess Fiona leaning on the window of her tower. Once again everyone else claps.

R: So, will it be: bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two, or bachelorette number three?

ors flips through each princesses' portrait. The guards shout out different numbers while Farquaad frantically tries to decide.

S: Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!

AAD: (To himself) Two? Three? One? Three?

NIUS: Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord!

AAD: Okay, okay, uh... number three!

R: Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.

lause erupts from the guards. Farquaad is captivated by the portrait of Fiona.

AAD: Princess...Fiona...she's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go...

R: But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night.

d doesn't listen to the mirror at all, too busy formulating a plan.

AAD: I'll do it.

R: Yes, but after sunset...

AAD: Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament! (smiles evilly)

KINGDOM - EXTERIOR

nd Donkey come out of the field just outside the Duloc parking lot.

Y: But that's it. That's it right there. That's Duloc. I told ya I'd find it.

gaze up at Duloc Castle, a building that towers over the rest of the kingdom.

So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

Y: Uh-huh. That's the place.

Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?

ughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.

Y: Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek.

urry, darling. We're late. Hurry!

nd woman run through the castle's entrance. In front of the gate is a series of ropes hung in a maze for crowd control. A mascot wearing a giant head resembling Farquaad stands at the end of the line. Shrek and Donkey exchange looks.

Hey, you!

scot screams at the sight of Shrek and begins running through the roped path to get to the front gate.

Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just-- I just --

ghs in frustration and then begins pushing his way through the ropes. The mascot runs into a wall and knocks himself out. Shrek pushes through the entrance's turnstile, but Donkey gets caught in it and lands on the ground with a thud. Donkey sheepishly smiles and Shrek sighs in annoyance.

- INTERIOR

nd Donkey look around the square, which is deserted. The trees and grass are neatly cut and the rows of houses all looked exactly the same. Chirpy music quietly plays from a set of loudspeakers.

It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?

Y: Hey, look at this!

runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing.

N PEOPLE: Welcome to Duloc such a perfect town / Here we have some rules let us lay them down / Don't make waves, stay in line and we'll get along fine / Duloc is perfect place / Please keep off of the grass / Shine your shoes, wipe your... face / Duloc is, Duloc is / Duloc is perfect place.

y a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture, both of which are dumbfounded.

Y: Wow! Let's do that again!

makes ready to run over and pull the lever again but Shrek quickly grabs him by the tail.

No. No. No, no, no!...No.

ar a trumpet fanfare from afar and head over to investigate. A voice sounds from the distance.

AAD: Brave knights! You are the best and brightest in all the land, and today one of you shall prove himself better and brighter than all the rest.

k and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena, Donkey hums the Duloc theme song.

All right, you're going the right way for a smacked bottom.

Y: Sorry about that.

nter of a stadium-like arena, Duloc Knights are gathered as a large crowd of citizens watches on from the stands. Horses, kegs of beer, arrow targets, and other equipment are scattered about. Farquaad is atop a high up balcony, flanked by two guards, addressing the crowd. Shrek and Donkey step out onto the arena but don't seem to be noticed.

AAD: That champion shall have the honor-- no, no -- the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place. And so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make.

wd cheers and applauds. Shrek looks around, noticing a man holding up a cue card up to the crowd that reads "APPLAUSE".

AAD: Let the tournament begin!

arches through the Duloc Knights, who back away in disgust upon noticing him.

AAD: Oh! What is that? It's hideous!

wd gasps and goes quiet.

Ah, that's not very nice (Looks at Donkey and then back at Farquaad). It's just a donkey

looks confused, the joke is once again lost on him.

AAD: Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him!

d points at Shrek. The Duloc Knights draw their weapons and slowly approach Shrek as he backs up, the crowd cheering them on.

: Get him!

Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (He bumps into a table, noticing mugs of beer)

: Go ahead! Get him!

(holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just settle this over a pint?

: Kill the beast!

No? All right then. (drinks the mug in one gulp) Come on!

kes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out, knocking the knights down and wetting the ground into mud. Shrek slides past the knights and uses a spear like a hockey stick to knock one of his feet. Donkey hops up onto one of the larger beer barrels. It breaks free of its ropes and begins to roll. Donkey manages to squish two knights into the mud and rolls over another group of knights running after Shrek. Shrek hops over a set of ropes that appears to make up a wrestling ring. Shrek uses the ropes to launch himself at two knights, knocking them over with his arms. The
oos. Shrek jump kicks a knight, and then body slams another. A knight comes from behind Shrek with his spear ready to attack. The crowd gasps, but before he can make a move Shrek puts him in a full-nelson hold.

Y: Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me!

ings the knight over to Donkey, who leans on the ropes and headbutts the knight. Shrek gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd, who have now begun to cheer for Shrek and Donkey. Shrek stands on top of the ropes and beckons on the crowd's cheers.

Yeah!

tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but he turns in time to sees him and jumps on him.

N: The chair! Give him the chair!

ses a folding chair to smack the knight lying on the ground. Shrek dispatches a few more knights with ease. Shrek picks up the last knight, spinning him over his head and then throwing him against the post of the wrestling ring. Donkey kicks his helmet, and the ding sounds the end of the match. Finally all the knights are down. The audience goes wild.

Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)

d motions to the guards, who aim their crossbows at Shrek and Donkey. The crowd gasps and goes silent. Shrek stops laughing.

: Shall I give the order, sir?

AAD: No, I have a better idea. People of Duloc! I give you our champion!

wd cheers and a fanfare plays.

What?

AAD: Congratulations, ogre. You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.

Quest? I'm already on a quest. A quest to get my swamp back.

AAD: Your swamp?

Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures!

AAD: Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back.

Exactly the way it was?

AAD: Down to the last slime-covered toadstool.

And the squatters?

AAD: As good as gone.

ances at the soldiers still aiming their crossbows and then turns back to Farquaad

What kind of quest?

- EXTERIOR

and Shrek are now walking through the fields heading away from Duloc. Shrek is munching on an onion.

Y: Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?

You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.

Y: I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.

Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?

Y: Uh, no, not really, no.

For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.

Y: Example?

Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. (he holds out his onion)

Y: (sniffs the onion) They stink?

Yes - - No!

Y: They make you cry?

No!

Y: Oh, you leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.

No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. (he throws away the onion and walks off)

Y: (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.

I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. (Walks passed Donkey)

Y: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.

(Yelling) No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

Y: Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.

You know, I think I preferred your humming.

Y: Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering.

ad off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek burns his foot trying to stomp out the campfire, so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out. They arrive at the outskirts of a giant volcano and begin to make their way up.

Y: (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything.

Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close.

Y: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither.

ach the top of the climb and hoist themselves up and over the ridge.

N'S KEEP - EXTERIOR

nd Donkey gaze out into the crater. The Dragon's Keep towered before them, a dilapidated castle, burned and blackened. Perched on a rock pinnacle, it was surrounded by a terrifying lake of molten lava. A single light shines in the window of the tallest tower. Dark clouds block out the blue sky above them. Thunder strikes and crows circling the castle can be heard. Its all very ominous.

Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. (laughs)

mps over and approaches the bridge, with Donkey joining in behind him.

Y: (chuckes along nervously) Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said that ogres have layers?

Oh, aye.

Y: Well, I have a bit of a confession to make (Gasps, seeing the skeleton of a horse). Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves.

Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves.

Y: You know what I mean.

Oh you can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

Y: No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava!

Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support. We'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. DONKEY: Really?

Really, really.

Y: Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

Just keep moving. And don't look down.

Y: (Nervously to himself) Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.

steps through a rotting board, which falls down into the fiery lava below

Y: Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please!

But you're already halfway.

Y: But I know that half is safe!

Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back.

es to press on while Donkey tries to make his way back under Shrek.

Y: Shrek, no! Wait!

Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? (bounces and sways the bridge)

Y: Don't do that!

Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces the bridge again)

Y: Yes, that!

Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge)

Y: No, Shrek! No! Stop it!

You said do it! I'm doin' it.

Y: I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground) Oh!

That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks towards the castle)

Y: Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?

Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. (chuckles)

Y: I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.

ON'S KEEP - INTERIOR

start making their way through the hallways of the dragon's dark and spooky keep. Shrek is wary, while Donkey is downright terrified. Only an occasional torch lights the way. The passages are littered with bones, armor, and weapons, presumably belonging to the many unsuccessful knights who tried to rescue the princess.

Y: You afraid?

No. But...SHHHHHH. (Shushes Donkey)

Y: Oh, good. Me neither. (Get spooked and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire. It sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.