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Eight Essentials When Forgiving The Why and The How

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Rubén Darío
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27 views4 pages

Eight Essentials When Forgiving The Why and The How

Uploaded by

Rubén Darío
Copyright
© © All Rights Reserved
We take content rights seriously. If you suspect this is your content, claim it here.
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Download as ODT, PDF, TXT or read online on Scribd
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Why You Should Try It

We have all suffered hurts and betrayals. Choosing to forgive is a way to


release the distress that arises again and again from the memory of these
incidents—but forgiveness is often a long and difficult process.

This exercise outlines several steps that are essential to the process of
forgiveness, breaking it down into manageable components. These steps
were created by Robert Enright, Ph.D., one of the world’s leading
forgiveness researchers. Although the exact process of forgiveness may
look different for different people, most anyone can still draw upon Dr.
Enright’s basic principles. In certain cases, it may help to consult a trained
clinician, especially if you are working through a traumatic event.

Time Required
Each person will forgive at his or her own pace. We suggest that you move
through the steps below based on what works for you.

How to Do It

1. Make a list of people who have hurt you deeply enough to warrant the
effort to forgive. You can do this by asking yourself on a 1-to-10
scale, How much pain do I have regarding the way this person
treated me? with 1 involving the least pain (but still significant enough
to justify the time to forgive) and 10 involving the most pain. Then,
order the people on this list from least painful to most painful. Start
with the person lowest on this hierarchy (least painful).

2. Consider one offense by the first person on your list. Ask yourself:
How has this person’s offense negatively impacted my life? Reflect
on the psychological and physical harm it may have caused. Consider
how your views of humanity and trust of others may have changed as
a result of this offense. Recognize that what happened was not okay,
and allow yourself to feel any negative emotions that come up.

3. When you’re ready, make a decision to forgive. Deciding to forgive


involves coming to terms with what you will be doing as you forgive—
extending an act of mercy toward the person who has hurt you. When
we offer this mercy, we deliberately try to reduce resentment
(persistent ill will) toward this person and, instead, offer him or her
kindness, respect, generosity, or even love.

It is important to emphasize that forgiveness does not involve


excusing the person’s actions, forgetting what happened, or tossing
justice aside. Justice and forgiveness can be practiced together.
Another important caveat: To forgive is not the same as to reconcile.
Reconciliation is a negotiation strategy in which two or more people
come together again in mutual trust. You may choose not to reconcile
with the person you are forgiving.

4. Start with cognitive exercises. Ask yourself these questions about the
person who has hurt you: What was life like for this person while
growing up? What wounds did he or she suffer from others that could
have made him or her more likely to hurt you? What kinds of extra
pressures or stresses were in this person’s life at the time he or she
offended you? These questions are not meant to excuse or condone,
but rather to better understand the other person’s areas of pain, those
areas that make him or her vulnerable and human. Understanding
why people commit destructive acts can also help us find more
effective ways of preventing further destructive acts from occurring in
the future.

5. Be aware of any little movement of your heart through which you


begin to feel even slight compassion for the person who offended
you. This person may have been confused, mistaken, and misguided.
He or she may deeply regret his or her actions. As you think about
this person, notice if you start to feel softer emotions toward him or
her.

6. Try to consciously bear the pain that he or she caused you so that
you do not end up throwing that pain back onto the one who offended
you, or even toward unsuspecting others, such as loved ones who
were not the ones who wounded you in the first place. When we are
emotionally wounded, we tend to displace our pain onto others.
Please be aware of this so that you are not perpetuating a legacy of
anger and injuries.

7. Think of a gift of some kind that you can offer to the person you are
trying to forgive. Forgiveness is an act of mercy—you are extending
mercy toward someone who may not have been merciful toward you.
This could be through a smile, a returned phone call, or a good word
about him or her to others. Always consider your own safety first
when extending kindness and goodwill towards this person. If
interacting with this person could put you in danger, find another way
to express your feelings, such as by writing in a journal or engaging in
a practice such as compassion meditation.

8. Finally, try to find meaning and purpose in what you have


experienced. For example, as people suffer from the injustices of
others, they often realize that they themselves become more
sensitive to others’ pain. This, in turn, can give them a sense of
purpose toward helping those who are hurting. It may also motivate
them to work toward preventing future injustices of a similar kind.

Once you complete the forgiveness process with one person on your
list, select the next person in line and move up that list until you are
forgiving the person who hurt you the most.
Evidence That It Works
Baskin, T.W., & Enright, R. D. (2004). Intervention studies on forgiveness: A
meta-analysis. Journal of Counseling and Development, 82, 79-90.

Researchers compared several studies that used Dr. Enright’s “process


model of forgiveness,” similar to the steps outlined above. All the studies
were done in a clinical setting including individual and group therapy.
Therapies that used these methods were shown to be effective in
increasing forgiveness, and in decreasing negative psychological states
such as anxiety and anger. These were often long-term therapies, ranging
from 6 to 60 weekly sessions, aimed at helping individuals cope with
serious offenses.

Why It Works
Forgiveness is a long and often challenging process. These steps may help
along the way by providing concrete guidelines. Specifically, they may help
you narrow and understand whom to forgive—to name and describe your
pain; to understand the difference between forgiving and excusing or
reconciling—and by thinking about the person who has caused you pain in
a novel way, you may begin to feel some compassion for him or her,
facilitating forgiveness and reducing the ill will you hold toward this person.
These steps also attune you to residual pain from your experience, and
encourage you to find meaning and some positivity in it.
Sources
Robert Enright, Ph.D., University of Wisconsin, Madison

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