LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JERRY SEINFELD

OK!, ...______ _______, ________ night everybody..... Well, well, well, I _____
believe you _____ __.
I don’t ______ know ____ you ____ tickets.

BROKER

“Broka”. Not a ______ _____ one I see. My ____ got me right ___ ________.
______ is the Broadhurst _______. It’s a _______ theater. I know _______
about ___.Haa.. I ______ it because...oh!, ____ ____ get that, ___ ___ get
that. That’s for me. __ asked ______ to _____ my _____. That is ___
embarrassing, ____ it?. I’m surprised it _______ happen ______ often ______
because ____ hard to :”oh, wait..., put it on the vibrate only”.
Oh the phones, ______ we have _______ _____ with the phones, haven’t
____?. We are ______- with the phones. ____ _____ thinks he needs ____
phone.
_____ thing that _____ me ____ _____ about the phones is ____ often we call
people now trying ___ _____ the _____. That’s what happens now with the
machine!. If the person picks up, and you are:” Oh.....ah.... I ah... oh I didn’t... I
_____ think _____ be there, I... I just ______ ___ leave a message _______
“sorry, I missed you” “.
So ______ _____ the ____ drivers and the ______?. How long ___ these
_____?. Do they _____ stop, or _____ ____ get in the ____ and just drive ‘___
they are _____?. That’s what _____ ______ to smell ____ in some of _____
cars. You are in the _____ _______ and you are ______: ”Oh man!”
And then they ____ you that, they have that _____ _____ the cherry ______ on
the _____, you know?, you see?, ____ get the cherry B.O, ____ ___ supposed
to ___ some ___ of improvement I _____, I don’t know. I can’t imagine ____
____ going that long without ___________!.
And ____ _____ they _____ they are so.... you ____ see they are ______! I
don’t _____ what ____ ____ to drive a cab, it ______ be very ____ ______
they are _____ upset these people. And _______ you ____ want to _____ over
that seat and go :” what’s is _________ in your ____, in your ______, that’s
_______ you drive _____ _____?. Take ___ easy!
____ me, ____ me the really _____ thing _____ New York cabs is you _____
____ get that _____ when you are in the cab. I _____ ____ why. Something
____ ____ in _________, __ matter ____ dangerous it ______, it’s ___ _____
amusing in ___ back ___ that cab, ____ __?.
____ flying around the ____, he’s ____ 90 up __ ___ way, and you ____ ____:
“___ never ____ that in my ____!”. ____ ____ a huge ____. It’s your life!. And
_____ it’s all happening on TV ____, it’s all ____ ____ real.
The _______ _____ you can think __ the _____ of a taxi ____ is: “ Well ____
sure the ____ knows what ____ ______” -_____ you _____ thought that?- “ he
___ driving ____, and quite _______..... on bold _____. But _____ _____ he’s
a professional. I ____ he _____ this all the time. He’s ____ a license, __ ____
see right ______.
I ______ even _______ what it ______ to get a cab drivers _______. I think all
you _______ is a _______. This ______ to _____ their big ________. That’s
the _____ now, no _______ heads are _______ to drive cabs. It also _____ to
have a name with ______ 8 consonants in a _____. “Oh, _____ is that “O” with
the line ______?, and what ______ is that?. I don’t ______ that letter in school.
You need a ______ of the ______ if you want to report the _____. “Yes _____,
he’s name ______ Amao, and ______ the _______ for boron. I believe..... I
had the ______ chart with ______ ____ the time, I’m _____ certain it was ___
manganese”.

AIRPORTS

Well, I love to _____... I was _______ to go ______ to Florida after ____,

and.... I might, I might go, and I might ____. But I ____- love to fly. I love going
in the airport ____ _____- safe ... in the airport, _______ to the high ______
individuals ____ have working ___ _______ security. How ______ this crack
squad of savvy _______ ______ !” Feel ______ well with them at the ______?.
The ______ you want to ______ up your x-ray ______ is you want the _____,
_____ _____ woman at the ______ with the ______ ______ uniform. That’s
your first _____ of defense. You want ______ pants _______ on, you want
______ so _____ the flapper in _____ of the zipper’s pulled _____ open, you
can _____ the metal tangs ____ on for ______life!. And then you _____ that
other _______ down at the other _____ _______ in the TV screen. This
______ is ______ to stand in ______ of x-rays! 14 hours a day. It’s _____
profession. He’s looking in the TV _____.....
I always _____ in the TV _____ . I, I cannot _____ _____ one object. I don’t
______ what this _____ is doing. It’s my _____ bags!, I can’t understand one
_____ , I don’t....... “_____ ____ that?”
He’s ______: “ what ___ that, a _____ _______ with a _______ on it?. That
looks ______. Keep ____ moving.”. “Some _____ of ______ ball candle, that’s
fine, just... we don’t ______ ______ up the line, don’t _____ _____ the line”.
Then I go in the ______ at the ______. Now, I don’t know who _____ and
_______ these decisions. But _____ _____ it that we are not _____ to have an
______ ______ on, twisted ______ ______ style faucet, in the bathroom …is it
too _____ for the _______ public to ____ in ______ of the water ______? They
have to ______ put in _____ one ____-spring-____-pain-____-the-____-
Alcatraz-______-faucets. _____ _____ know the _____ I mean? We _____
go :”Hey!..Oh, I got a ______ ______ there! Oh,Oh _______ double drop!”
What _____ _____ that _______think we ______ do ____ we could _____ the
faucet? Just ____ them all on _____, run _____ into the parking _____,
pushing each _____ into the _____?….”_____ on the water is ____ , let’s
____!” “I turned _____ on ______ blast!” “Hey, we are businessmen, we’re
_____ ______ our plane. Who _________, water!”
That’s what they think _____ do.
Do the people that ______ in this _____ shops in the airport have ____ ____
what the prices are ______ ______ in the world?. What ____ they _____, they
got, their _____ little _____ out there? _____ sandwich, $13, that’s what we
…..tuna is very _____ here.

MEN AND WOMEN

Men and women _____ _______ understand ______ other. My ______ to you
is _____ stop _______ about it you’re ____ ______ to figure it ____. Just
_____ it. I _______ I’m not going to _______ women. I _____ never
understand ______ you can _____ _______ hot ____, pour it ______ your
upper _______, ___ the hair ____ by the _____, and _____ be _____ of a
spider. I’m not _____ any more time ______ about that, ´cause I’m not ______
________.
And __ know women are _____ ______ men. Women ____ to know ____ men
_____ thinking. I know _____ ____ looking at me _____ now, and you’re
_______: “I _______ _____ goes in that ______ brain of ____”. I ____ tell
_____ the truth ____f you ______ like to know _____ men are _______
thinking. _______ you ______ to know? I ____ ____ you … ________. We’re
not ________ anything. We’re _____ _______ around, ________ around. This
is the only _____ _____ of men. We _____ women, we ______ women, but
that is _____ much ___ we’ve ______. That’s ______ we’re ______ ___ horns,
_____ from construction _____. _____ are the best _____ _____ had so far.
We’re working on some ______ programs, but it’s ____ easy when you’re
______ is _______.
_______ ____ car horn….to ____…. _______ the _______ level. This is the
last ______ brain _____ _______ up with this _____. What is this?…. ____ in
the car, she’s ___ ____ street. What ___ ____ thinking: “_____ I ______ I
made my _____”. What is she ______ ___ ____?. Kick ____ the ____, start
running ____ the ____? _____ onto the bumper? Car _____ ___ a stop: “It’s a
______ _____ you honked!. I had _____ _____ how you ____”.
_____ do men do ______ things? ______ do they act ____ _____ ways? Why
are men _____, _______, getting ______, screaming _____, _____ out rubber,
making ______ noises, why? Telling _____ jokes, why do men ______ so
_____? I _____ ____ ladies are thinking:” No, no, not my _____, I’m working
with _____, he’s _______ _____.” No, he’s not. He’s _____ you. Men are not
_____, we’re not __________.
___ _____ know, no ______ how poorly we _____, it seems we _____ ____ up
with women _____. Look ____ ___ room, ____ at all the ____ you ____
….beautiful women, _____ are _____ _____, do you think ______ are ______
men? ______, highly ________, ____ of a _____ men? ______ are the same
_____ and ______ that I’m ______ about! They ____ ______ fine!
Men ___ ____ organization are ______ more women _____ any _____ ____
working _________ in the _______ today. _______ women are, ____ ______
men looking _____ the situation right ___. We ______ the _____ looking for
women. ______ ______ to the moon, _____ to see ___ _____ was _____
women there. ______ why we ______ that ______ car. Why _____ ______
bring a car ______ there’s some ______ of ______ out on __ _____? What the
_____ are you _____ _____ a car on the _____ ______ moon!? I _____ was
_____ to figure _____ _____. _______ on the moon! Isn’t that _____
________?
_______ was no ______ _______ idea ___ _____ history of the universe ____
“why _____ _____ fly ___ to the moon and _____ ______?” _____ _____ the
essence of ______ ______ right there.
______ the _______ on men, ok? I’m ______ give ___ ___ you now. All men
think ___ _______ as ____ of low level ________, in their _____ environment.
________ men are ________ ___ and they are ______ about Batman,
________, Superman, these _______ ______, these are ______. This is the
_______ men look at ______ ______ ______. I’m _____ ____ supposed to
_____ _______ you this.
____ give a ______ example ___ what I’m ______ ______. Did ____ ____
____ a _____ moving a _______ tied to the ______ of his ____?. _____ out
___ the highway _____ _____ thing, ___ always ____ the _____ ____ the
window ______ the mattress ______, right? Whatever _____ _____ up there
he’s always ________ ______ with the arm. This is classic ______ _______
_______ thinking. This ______ _______ believes ____ ____ the wind _____
this _______ rectangle at 70 miles ___ hour…. “I got it, I got it”. Don’t worry
about it, I’m ____ my _______!

THE OLYMPICS

I _____ in London about a _____ ago. The _____ _____ was going ___. I
enjoy _____ sporting event ______ Nations ____ involved….I find that ____
____ ______. The _______ __ really _____ favorite …. Sporting ______,
although I think I _____ a _______ with that ______ medal. I _____ if I _____
___ olympic athlete I ______ ______ come ___ last _____ win the _____… if
you think about it. You know, you _____ the gold ____ feel _____; you win the
______ you think: “-well, at ____ I got _____-“. You win _____ _____ , that’s
like : “- congratulations, you….______ _______-“, “- of ____ the ______ you
came in _____ _____ that group. You ____ the ______ _____ loser. No ____
lost _____ of you.” And they ______ lose _____ much, you know, these _____
_____, 300’s of a second, 200’s of a second…. I don’t _____ _____ live with
that the rest ___ their ______… _____ you ____ to _____ the story! Everyone
_____ to _____ the story. “Wow! Congratulations, _____ ______, did you
_____?, ____ _____ not hear the gun go ____? Tell _____ what ______”. It’s a
100’s of a second . People say: “ what _____ the ______ in the ______ there,
what was it?.” “Well, it was like ______ now…, now, now, now……huh!, that
was it! Oh!. I _______, I _______ out, I ______ my ______ life, I never had ___
_____, I _____ had a _____, I never ______ a _____, I ____ doing ____ up
since __ ____ a ______, … I _____ _____ _____ around the world. Everybody
I knew ___ my _____ life was _____. The ____ shot up the _____ ….huh! oh!.”
____ they _____have that _____ _____, you ____ the photo finish __ _____
silver….gold. ______ _____ in the world….._____ ______ of him. Guys got to
be thinking: “ if I ____ a _____ I _______ won!”.
_____ many ______ in the olympics don’t _____ _____ to me. I don’t
understand the ______ ___ any reality _____…ha… like ____ the _____ ____
_____ have that ______, you know that _____ that ____ cross _____ skiing
with _____ __ gun?. How many ______ _____ are _____ this?. To ____ ____
like combining _______ and ______ a guy, why _____ we have that?. That
_____ ______ as _____ sense to ______. Just ____ people in the ______ at
the end of _____ _____ for the swimmers ….
And _____ ______ one the …. that I ______ is the luge. You know the ______
______ _____ guy wears the _____ suit. _____ is on the _____ ____ run, but
_____ not _____ a sled, ____ _____ Bob! It’s _____ ___ ____ being hanging
__ for _____ life. This ___ ____ whole _____. It’s huhhhhhhhh….oh, he
______ his _____, this _____ a tremendous __________!

SCUBA and Sky Diving

I ______ myself _______ ___ __ sportsman. Been ________ diving. You

know, the ______ activity ______ _____ main ______ is to …not _____. That’s
______ much ___ I _____ about that day, ___: “don’t die, don´t die, ……there’s
a fish, there’s a rock, ____ ____? Don’t die, I _____ _______ die ….. let’s ____
and _____ and _____, ‘cause living is _____ and ______ …. Not ____ good”.
______ ______ me all set _____ with the SCUBA ____, that ____ all the, you
know, _____ _____ you. Made ______ that I bought a _____ _____, _______
wallet, in case we ____ _____ a sea ______ that can _____ __ ______… I
guess.
A _______ ______, that’s important: “gee, I’m _______ ______ _____ oxigen,
and … look at ____ ______! ______ I’m dead and … I’m ______.
But _____ also _____ hangliding, I’ve gone ________, I ______ things ____
are a _____ _______, I don’t know, maybe _____ ______ I do ______.
I read a thing that _______ ________ in front of a _______ is considered the
______ 1 ______, of the _______ person. I found that ________. Number 2
_____ ______, ….number 2! That means _____ _____ average ______ if you
have ___ _____ in a ______ you would ______ be in the ______ than _______
the eulogy. That’s what that _______.
Sky diving ______ ________ the ________ thing I’ve ever ______. Let me ask
you this _______ ____ ________ to the skydiving. What is ______ _______ of
the _______, in the skydiving? I mean, can you _____ _____ make it? You
_____ ____ of _____ plane and that ______ ______ open, the ______ is
_____ ______ you ___ protection.
______ ____ the helmet is ______ with ____ ______ helmets ________: “ it’s
a good _____ he _____ _____ or I _________ hit the ground ________!”
______ many _____ that we can _____ ___ ____ proof that the ______
______ is not _____. The ______ is my ______ ______. The ______ _____
we _____ to _______ the helmet! Now, _____ _____ we invent the _______?
Well, because _____ were _____ in ______ _______ that were _______ our
heads, we _______ _____ the _______, we _____ ____ to ______ these
activities, ____ to _____ make little ______ ______ ___ that we can ______
our head ______ _____.
The only _____ ______ _______ the helmet ____ the helmet _______, the
_____ ____ which is to ______ the _____ that is ______ so poorly, is ____
_____ ______ to stop the ______ of the head ______ _____ ______.

HORSE RACES

When you ____ ___ the ______, ______ I’m not ______, You, ah… you
______ to do _______ ________ suggestes to ______ ____ that day, _______
you ____ ____ do something. A ______ of ______ ago we _______ in
Pitsburgh. We _____ to the _______, bet ___ the ______. This is ______. I
think it’s _____, but I _____ _____ think ____ ____ second that I _____ _____
out what horse ____ ______ to win. I _____ ______ know think the _______
______ that they are ______. Do they?. I _____, are they _____ ______ to the
_______ afterwards ______:” I was _____, I was ____, I was ______….you cut
_____ _____, watch _____!. I’ll _____ your _____ next time!”. I think _____
______ they are _______:” ____ bag, I get my ____ bag now, _____ bag
_____ for me!”.
I mean, I’m ______ the _______ have some idea _____ _____ jockey is ____
___ _____. I mean he’s _______ him, he’s _______ him, he’s _______ him,
como on, come on, ____ _____ so, this is _______ that ___ _____ somewhere
for this ______, _____, but _____ must _____ to the ____ and _____:” we
_____ _____ here, what ____ the _____ ____ running! This is ______ we
_____! That ______ the ______ _______ route you ______ take _____ _____
_______you _______ to be! Why _____ we _____ _____ here, we ______
been ______!”
I’ll tell you one _____ the _____ _______ do not ______, they do not know if
you ______ ______ _____ and break your ______ at _____ point during the
______, we’re going _____ ______ you brains _____!. I think they ______
_______ that little ______ of the _______! I they _____ that _______ see
some _______ carefull ______ coming down that _______ ________! “ Easy
_______, easy. You win, I ______, ______ it is, all the same _______ fellows.
The ______ thing is _____ ________”