209. The One With Phoebe's Dad cookies smashed in the sports section.

MONICA: Oh look, and he did my

Originally written by Jeffrey Astroff and crossword puzzle.
Mike Sikowitz ROSS: Yeah, but not very well, unless 14-
Transcribed by Josh Hodge. across, 'Gershwin musical' actually is
Minor additions and adjustments by Dan bitemebitemebitemebiteme.
SIlverstein. OPENING TITLES
[Scene: Central Perk. Monica, Chandler,
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. and Joey are seated at couches. Rachel is
Monica, Rachel, Ross, and Phoebe are working behind the counter.]
there. Phoebe is looking out the window.] JOEY: I can't believe it's Christmas
PHOEBE: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Ugly already. Ya know, I mean, one day your
Naked Guy is decorating his tree. Oh my eatin' turkey, the next thing ya know, your
God, you should see the size of his lords are a-leapin' and you geese are a-
Christmas Balls. layin'.
JOEY: Hey. CHANDLER: Which is why geese are so
CHANDLER: Hey. relaxed this time of year.
RACHEL: Hey. [Ross enters with several bags from
JOEY: Hey, how much did you guys tip the shopping.]
super this year? ROSS: Hey guys.
CHANDLER: Yeah, we were gonna give CHANDLER, MONICA, and JOEY: Hey.
fifty, but if you guys gave more, we don't [Ross approaches Rachel at counter.]
wanna look bad. ROSS: Hey Rach. I, uh, got you a little
MONICA: Oh, actually this year we just present. [Rachel is not impressed]. . I'll
made him homemade cookies. open it. It's a Slinky! Remember, huh.
CHANDLER: And twenty-five it is. [sings] Walks down stairs, alone or in
JOEY: You gave him cookies? pairs, everyone knows it's. . . just a big
MONICA: Money is so impersonal. Cookies spring. Alright, you still mad at me
says someone really cares. . . Alright, becuase of the whole. . .
we're broke, but cookies do say that. RACHEL: Horrible and degrading list of
PHOEBE: I can see that. A plate of reasons not to be with me?
brownies once told me a limerick. ROSS: How 'bout from now on we just call
CHANDLER: Phoebs, let me ask you it the 'unfortunate incident'? [Rachel
something, were, were these, uh, funny walks off] Hey Gunther, you got stairs in
brownies? your place?
PHOEBE: Not especially. But you know GUNTHER: Yeah.
what, I think they had pot in them. ROSS: Here, go nuts. [gives him the Slinky
ROSS: So you guys, who else did you tip and goes and sits with others at the
with cookies? couches]
RACHEL: Uhh, the mailman, the super. ROSS: Hey guys.
[There's a bang at the door.] CHANDLER, MONICA, and JOEY: Hey.
MONICA: Oh, and the newspaper delivery CHANDLER: What's in the bag?
guy. ROSS: Um, just some presents.
[Joey opens the door and picks up the JOEY: C'mon show us what you bought. . .
remnants of the newspaper. You know you want to.
JOEY: Oh my God. ROSS: [childishly] OK. OK, this is a picture
RACHEL: What? frame from Ben to my parents, huh.
JOEY: Uhhh, I don't think you're gonna like MONICA: Cute.
this. ROSS: I got some, uh, hers and hers
[Joey shows them the torn-up newspaper.] towels for Susan and Carol. And, uh, I got
RACHEL: Ooh, goooosh, ooh, these are this blouse for mom.
[Ross holds up the blouse. It is extremely out names in the phonebook.]
tacky, with sewn-on medals hanging off of GRANDMOTHER: Esther Livingston.
it.] [scratches out name] Gone.
MONICA: Ross, that is gorgeous! [Phoebe enters.]
ROSS: Yeah? GRANDMOTHER: Hi, Phoe.
MONICA: Look at these authentic fake PHOEBE: Hi Gram. Whatcha doin'?
medals. I tell ya, mom's gonna be voted GRANDMOTHER: Oh, just updating the
best dressed at the make-believe military phonebook.
academy. PHOEBE: Um, gram, um, can I see the
[Phoebe enters.] pictures of my dad again?
PHOEBE: Hey. GRANDMOTHER: [nervously] Oh. Oh, sure,
GANG: Hey. Hi Phoebe. sure, uh, uh, how come?
PHOEBE: Happy Christmas Eve Eve. [sees PHOEBE: Just, you know, to see... um.
Ross's picture frame] Oh my God, where GRANDMOTHER: Oh, sure, yeah. [gets a
did you get this? box with the pictures] This is the one of
ROSS: Uh, Macy's, third floor, home you father in a meadow, and, uh, helping
furnishings. a little boy fly a kite, and here he is at a
PHOEBE: This is my father, this is a picture graduation. . . another graduation. . .
of my dad. another graduation.
CHANDLER: Nah, Phoebs, that's the guy PHOEBE: OK, is this really my father?
that comes in the frame. GRANDMOTHER: Is it really your fa--I
PHOEBE: No it isn't, this is my dad, alright, can't... well of course it is.
I'll show you. PHOEBE: OK, I smell smoke. Maybe that's
RACHEL: Phoebe, I thought your dad was 'cause someone's pants are on fire.
in prison. GRANDMOTHER: Look, I. . .
PHOEBE: No, that's my stepdad. My real PHOEBE: Ya know, in all the years that we
dad's the one that ran out on us before I have been grandmother and
was born. granddaughter, you have never lied to
RACHEL: How have you never been on me.
Oprah?
PHOEBE: [showing her pictures] OK, look, GRANDMOTHER: Alright, that is not your
see, this is him. My mother gave me this father, that's just a picture of a guy in a
picture before she died, same guy. frame.
MONICA: Honey, uh, this is a picture of the PHOEBE: Oh God.
frame guy posing in front of a bright blue GRANDMOTHER: It was your mother's
screen with a collie. idea. Ya know, she didn't want you to
PHOEBE: It's not a blue screen... it's just, know your real father because it hurt her
maybe it was just really clear that day. so much when he left, and, I didn't want to
OK, I have to talk to my grandmother. go along with it, but, well then she died
[turns to leave] and, and it was harder to argue with her.
MONICA: Oh, wait a minute honey. Not impossible, but harder.
GANG: Phoebs. [Phoebe leaves] PHOEBE: Alright, so, what, he's not a
MONICA: Wow. famous tree surgeon? And then, I guess,
JOEY: So anyway, I'm trying to get my OK, he doesn't live in a hut in Burma
boss's ex-wife to sleep with me. . . where there's no phones?
GANG: Joey! GRANDMOTHER: Last I heard, he was a
JOEY: Oh, but when Phoebe has a pharmacist somewhere upstate.
problem, everyone's all ears! PHOEBE: OK, that makes no sense. Why
[Scene: Phoebe's grandmother's place. would the villagers worship a pharmacist?
Phoebe's grandmother is sitting at the GRANDMOTHER: Honey.
table, reading the obituaries, and crossing PHOEBE: [realizes] Oh.
GRANDMOTHER: Anyway, that's all I know. ROSS: Hey, Rach, you know what? I think,
That, and this. [pulls apart a frame and I think I know what'll make you feel better.
pulls a picture out] This is the real him. How 'bout you make a list about me.
PHOEBE: Oh. RACHEL: Wha... forget it Ross, no, I am
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. not gonna stand here and make a list
Rachel, Chandler, and Joey are decorating of. . .
the Christmas tree.] ROSS: C'mon Rachel.
CHANDLER: Ya know I remember my RACHEL: OK, you're whiney, you are,
father, all dressed up in the red suit, the you're obsessive, you are insecure, you're,
big black boots, and the patent leather you're gutless, you know, you don't ever,
belt, sneakin around downstairs. He didn't you don't just sort of seize the day, you
want anybody to see him but he'd be know. You like me for what, a year, you
drunk so he'd stumble, crash into didn't do anything about it. And, uh, oh,
something and wake everybody up. you wear too much of that gel in your hair.
ROSS: See there, you uhh, alright, ya, you
RACHEL: Well, that doesn't sound like a did what I said.
very merry Christmas. RACHEL: Yeah, and you know what?
CHANDLER: Who said anything about You're right, I do feel better, thank you
Christmas? Ross. [she walks off and Ross puts his
[Monica and Ross enter.] hand to his hair]
MONICA: Hi. [Scene: Back at Phoebe's. She is on the
ROSS: Hey, anyone hear from Phoebe yet? phone]
RACHEL: No, nothin'. PHOEBE: Yeah, um, in Albany, can I have
MONICA: I hope she's OK. the number of Frank Buffay. . . OK, um, in
JOEY: Yeah, I know exactly what she's Ithica. . . alright, um, Saratoga. . .
goin' through. Oneonta. Alright, you know what, you
MONICA: How do you know exactly what shouldn't call youself information. [hangs
she's going through? up]
JOEY: She told us. [Phoebe's grandmother enters]
CHANDLER: So whaddya got there GRANDMOTHER: Hey.
Monica? PHOEBE: Hello grandma, if that is in fact
MONICA: Just some stuff for the party. your real name.
ROSS: Yeah, what're you guys doin' here, GRANDMOTHER: C'mon now Phoe, don't
aren't you supposed to be Christmas still be mad at me. How's it going?
shopping? PHOEBE: Well, not so good. Upstate's
MONICA: You guys haven't gotten your pretty big, he's pretty small, you do the
presents yet? Tomorrow's Christmas Eve, math.
what're ya gonna do?
CHANDLER: Don't you have to be GRANDMOTHER: Well, I think you're better
Claymation to say stuff like that? off without him. Oh honey, I know he's
RACHEL: Oh, by the way Mon, I don't think your daddy but, but to me he's still the
the mailman liked your cookies. Here are irresponsible creep who knocked up your
the ornaments your mom sent. [hands her mom and stole her Gremlin.
a smashed box] PHOEBE: No I just, just wanted to know
MONICA: Well, maybe the mailman liked who he was, ya know.
the cookies, we just didn't give him GRANDMOTHER: I know. OK, I wasn't
enough. completely honest with you when I told
JOEY: Monica, pigeons learn faster that you that, uh, I didn't know exactly where
you. he lived.
[Ross approaches Rachel, away from PHOEBE: Whattaya mean?
everyone else.] GRANDMOTHER: He lives at 74 Laurel
Drive in Middletown. If you hit the Dairy [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.
Queen, you've gone too far. You can take Monica is preparing for the party with
my cab. Ross questioning her.]
PHOEBE: Wow. Thank you. ROSS: C'mon, just tell me, please, please.
GRANDMOTHER: Now, remember, nobody MONICA: For the sixteenth time, no... I do
else drives that cab. not think you're obsessive.
PHOEBE: Uh-huh, got it. Ooh, I'm gonna [Rachel enters from her room]
see my dad. Wish me luck, Grandpa! RACHEL: Oh, gosh, it's hot in here.
[blows a kiss to a picture of Einstein] MONICA: Rach, get the heat. [Rachel holds
Commercial up her hand with wet fingernail polish]
[Scene: Chandler is standing on a street Ross, could you turn the heat down
corner waiting for Phoebe in the cab. Joey please?
walks up.] ROSS: Sure. By the way, there's a
JOEY: Phoebe here with the cab yet? difference between being obsessive
CHANDLER: Yeah, she, she brought the and. . .
invisible cab. . . hop in. MONICA: Ross, the heat!
JOEY: Well she better get here soon, the ROSS: Fine, OK! Heat, heat, heat, and I'm
outlet stores close at 7. the obsessive one. [goes to the radiator
CHANDLER: Hey, don't worry. I figure it'll and starts turning the knob] OK, this way
be 2 hours to Phoebe's dad's house, is on, so this is. . . [breaks off the knob]
they'll meet, they'll chat, they'll swap life off.
stories, we'll still have plenty of time. RACHEL: Did you just break the radiator?
[Phoebe drives up in the cab] ROSS: No, no, I was turnin' the knob and,
JOEY: Hey, here she comes. and. . . here it is.
Chandler: Hey. MONICA: Well put it back.
JOEY: Hey. ROSS: It uhh, it won't go back.
[Phoebe runs over the curb. Joey gets in RACHEL: I'll call the super.
the back seat, Chandler in the front] MONICA: Here, let me try.
PHOEBE: Hey. ROSS: Oh, oh that's right, I forgot about
JOEY: Hey. your ability to fuse metal.
PHOEBE: Can you believe this. In, like, two MONICA: Hey, it's Funny's cousin, Not
hours I'm gonna have a dad. Eeeshk. Funny.
CHANDLER: Eeeshk. RACHEL: [on phone] Hi, Mr. Treeger. Hi,
JOEY: Yeah, big stuff. it's Rachel Green from upstairs. Yes,
PHOEBE: OK, let's go. somebody, uh, broke our knob on the
CHANDLER: OK. radiator and it's really hot in here. Yes,
PHOEBE: Alright, here, you have to hold it's, it's hot enough to bake cookies. Well,
this. [hands Chandler a piece of paper] do you think we could have a new one by
CHANDLER: OK. [reads paper] Brake left, 6? Wha t, no, no, Tuesday, we can't wait
gas right? until Tuesday, we're having a party
PHOEBE: Uh-huh, yeah, that's my cheat tonight.
sheet. ROSS: OK, tip the man.
CHANDLER: [grabs for seat belt] Where's MONICA: No, if he doesn't like our cookies,
my seat belt? too bad, I am not gonna be blackmailed.
PHOEBE: Oh, no no, that side doesn't have Look if worse comes to worse, it gets a
one, the paramedics had to cut through it. little warm, we'll call it a theme party.
[Chandler jumps out of the car]
CHANDLER: [Chandler gets in the back ROSS: Hey, here's a theme: Come on in,
seat] Hey! live like bacon.
JOEY: Hey. [Phoebe takes off, Joey and [Scene: Outside Phoebe's dad's house.
Chandler are thrown back in the seat] The cab pulls up.]
PHOEBE: Ooh, this is it, 74. [screeches to RACHEL: Yeah, I'm with Mon.
a halt, Joey and Chandler are thrown into ROSS: Alright, alright, you know how you
the plexiglass wall in the cab] say I never seize the day? Well, alright,
CHANDLER: Oh, so that's what this is for. even though he's your super, I'm seizing.
PHOEBE: Wow, this is it, I'm gonna meet [approaches Mr. Treeger] Mr. Treeger,
my dad. This is like the biggest thing ever, here is 50 bucks, merry Christmas.
huh. [Gives him the cash.]
CHANDLER: Yeah. MR. TREEGER: Oh wow, I didn't get you
JOEY: Sure is. anything. Here's five back.
PHOEBE: OK, here I go. I'm goin' in. ROSS: No no, no, that, that's your
CHANDLER: Alright. Christmas tip, alright. Oh, hey, do you
JOEY: Good luck Phoebs. think there's a chance you could fix that
PHOEBE: OK, here I go. . . here I go. . . I'm radiator now?
goin'. [she just sits in the cab] MR. TREEGER: No can do, like I told the
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment. girl, I can't get a new knob until Thursday.
They are having their party. All the guests MONICA: Ross.
are stripped down because of the heat.] ROSS: Yeah.
RACHEL: [answers door] Hi, welcome to MONICA: [to Ross] Looks like he's playin'
our tropical Christmas party. You can put baseball.
your coats and sweaters and pants and ROSS: You mean hardball?
shirts in the bedroom. MONICA: Whatever.
ROSS: [sitting at table talking to a girl] It's RACHEL: What'cha gonna' do?
hard to tell because I'm sweating, but I ROSS: Excuse me, I'm seizing. Mr.
use exactly what the gel bottle says, an Treeger, here's another 50, happy
amount about the size of a pea. How, how Hanukkah. Will uh, will this help with the
can that be too much? knob getting?
MONICA: [carrying an ice cube tray] Ice, MR. TREEGER: No, the place is not open
ice, ice squares anyone? Take a napkin. 'till Tuesday. Am I not saying it right.
Alright. MONICA: So, wait, you really did like my
ROSS: Monica, Monica, your guest are cookies?
turning into jerky, OK. MR. TREEGER: Oh, yeah, they were so
MONICA: Really? I'm perfectly personal, really showed you cared.
comfortable. [one of the guest opens the RACHEL: Nice seizing. . . gel boy.
refrigerator] Hey, hey, hey, get in line MR. TREEGER: [to Rachel who is standing
buddy, I was next. [she opens the under mistletoe] So, uh, is this, uh,
refrigerator and leans into it] mistletoe?
RACHEL: [answering the door] Mr. RACHEL: Huh-huh, no act--no, uhh, that,
Treeger. that is basil.
MR. TREEGER: Uhh, you said there was a MR. TREEGER: Ahh, if it was mistletoe, I
party. was gonna kiss ya.
RACHEL: Oh, yeah, well hey, welcome to RACHEL: Huh-hoo, yeah, no, it's still basil.
our sauna. [Scene: Outside Phoebe's dad's house.
MR. TREEGER: Ahh, is it hot? My body Phoebe is running back to the cab.]
always stays cool, probably 'cause I have PHOEBE: OK.
so much skin. Hey, cheese! JOEY: How far'd ya get?
[Ross is speaking to Monica and Rachel PHOEBE: Mailbox.
about tipping the super.] CHANDLER: Alright, we're gettin' closer.
ROSS: Alright, alright, here's the chance. PHOEBE: Uh-huh.
Monica give him cash, Rachel give him JOEY: Phoebs, what's goin' on?
your earrings. Something, now, anything. PHOEBE: No, it's just like, ya know, it's a
MONICA: No, I will not cave. whole mess of stuff, ya know. It's like,
yesterday, ya know, my dad was this, like, ROSS: Are you OK?
famous Burma tree surgeon guy and, ya PHOEBE: Yeah, yeah, no it's OK 'cause, I
know, now he's a, a pharmacist guy mean, I know he's there, so, that's enough
and. . . for now.
CHANDLER: Hey, guys, it's after midnight,
JOEY: Well, maybe he's, maybe he's this merry Christmas everyone. [Ross and
really cool pharmacist guy. Phoebe hug, Monica and Rachel hug,
PHOEBE: Yeah, maybe, yeah. You know, Chandler is left standing]
and, and I'll knock on the door and, and JOEY: Hey, Monica, the knob was broken
he'll hug me and I'll have a dad. Ya know so I just turned it off from underneath, I
and I'll, I'll go to his pharmacy and hope that's alright.
everyone will be really nice to me 'cause, CLOSING TITLES
you know, I'm Franks daughter. [Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.
CHANDLER: Well, so why not go knock? Joey and Chandler are giving out their
PHOEBE: Well, 'cause, I mean, what if, Christmas presents out of a cardboard box
what if he's not this great dad guy? I from a case of motor oil.]
mean, what if, what if he's just still the JOEY: Rach, these are for you.
dirtbag who ran out on my mom and us? RACHEL: Wiper blades. I don't even have a
You know what? I've already lost a fake car.
dad this week and I don't think I'm ready JOEY: No, but with this new car smell,
to lose a real one. you'll think you do.
JOEY: Phoebs, that's OK. You took a big CHANDLER: OK, Phoebs, your turn.
step today. PHOEBE: Ahh, toilet seat covers! Is that
PHOEBE: Yeah? what you were doing while I was getting
CHANDLER: Yeah, and someday when gas?
you're ready, you'll make it past the JOEY: Uh-huh.
hedges. PHOEBE: You guuuyys.
JOEY: Yeah, and when you do, he'll be JOEY: And for Ross, Mr. Sweet-tooth.
lucky to have you. ROSS: You got me a cola drink?
PHOEBE: You guys. I'm sorry about your CHANDLER: And, a lemon lime.
shopping. ROSS: Well this, this is too much, I feel
CHANDLER: Oh, that's OK, we'll figure like I should get you another sweater.
something out. CHANDLER: And last but not least.
JOEY: Uh, listen Phoebs, I know you're not [Chandler and Joey give Monica a pack of
goin' in there but do you think it'd be condoms.]
alright if I went in and used his bathroom? JOEY: They're ribbed for your pleasure.
Oh, that's fine, never mind. Cool, snow, [Ross and Monica trade their gifts.]
kinda like a blank canvas. END
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's apartment.
Ross, Monica, and Rachel are sitting
around after the party. Chandler, Joey,
and Phoebe enter.]
CHANDLER: Ho, ho, ho, holy crap is it hot
in here!
JOEY: Really, hey, you mind if I turn the
heat down?
MONICA: Hey, we could have used that
kind of thinkin' earlier.
ROSS: Hey, Phoebs, how'd it go.
PHOEBE: Oh, I couldn't go in.
MONICA: Honey, I'm sorry.