Romantic Long Term Relationships

Karyn Krawford
09/08

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 Abstract

There are many types of relationships we form during life, one of the most
important being intimate romantic relationships that can result in marriage or
cohabitation. Research shows strong correlations between people’s overall happiness
and being married as it does with the similarities between a person’s parents
relationship, how it was perceived in childhood and future adult relationships.

To evaluate evidence on these topics, 1 man and 2 women who were all in
long term relationships, were interviewed about their current relationships and views
on marriage as well as filling in questionnaires about relationships in general.
Significant positive correlations were found between how their parent’s relationship
was perceived and how their current relationship works. More similarities were found
than variances in the value of love, how a long-term partner was chosen, sources of
conflict, why a relationship would end and relationship maintenance strategies.

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 Close Romantic Relationships

Close relationships are an important part of our overall happiness and physical health
(Weiten, Lloyd, Dunn, Hammer, 2009), as is interdependence show in Bernstein et al
(2006). People form romantic relationships for a variety of reasons, love being the
most important aspect in the western culture. Romantic love is defined in many
different ways, reflected by the numerous theories available on the subject such as
Sternberg’s (1986, cited in Weiten et al 2009, p54) theory that consummate love
consists of commitment, passion and intimacy. If one of these components is missing
in a relationship, the combination is defined as another type of love such as romantic
love (intimacy + passion) that correlates highly with the high divorce rate in the
western culture where ‘romantic love’ is promoted (Weiten et al 2009).

Of these relationships, some turn into marriage and cohabitation. Marriage is

not as popular as it once was with increased acceptance of singleness, homosexual
couples, changes in gender roles and increasing divorce rates however it remains a
strong part of religious and cultural traditions (Weiten et al 2009, Bernstein, Penner,
Clarke-Stewart, Roy, 2006).

Weiten et al (2009) discusses evidence in surveys on gay relationships that 8

percent of the population could be homosexual, defined as being attracted to the same
sex. Evidence on gay relationships shows identical relationship responses and child
rearing abilities as heterosexuals. Furthermore, child development within gay
relationships is similar over decades of research. In fact, The Gottman Institute
(2004), showed empirical based research suggests same sex couples benefit from
strengths in unique similar emotional qualities.

Research shows strong positive correlations of greater health and happiness

when compared to single and cohabitating people (Joung et al., 1997; Murphy, Glaser
& Grundy, 1997; Stack & Eshleman, 1998, cited in Weiten 2009). Moreover, all
relationships are linked with life satisfaction, longevity, mental and physical health
(Pearlman, 2007); as with Intimate relationships strongly correlated additionally with
increased self-esteem and self knowledge (DeVito ).

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 Happiness in a relationship is often dependant on the couple’s communication
skills enabling the management of conflict effectively according to Weiten et al
(2009) who provide statistical evidence showing communication problems exceed all
other causes of divorce. Thus, anger is a part of effective communication according to
Ohio State University Fact Sheet: Dealing with anger in marriage, who provide a
basic acronym for this.

Emotions that are not managed in close relationships can lead to verbal and/or
emotional abuse (Weiten et al, 2009).
“Overall, the weight of evidence suggests that divorce tends to have harmful effects
on many children but can have beneficial effects for children if their parents’
relationship is dominated by conflict (Booth & Amato, 2001 cited in Weiten et al,
2009) p288.

Deterioration in a relationship is sometimes difficult if a person’s religion

forbids divorce, particularly when children are present (DeVito, 2001). Additionally
having children can cause complications with adjustment, major transition and
disruption of routines (Ohio University Family & Consumer Sciences Fact Sheet;
Weiten et al, 2009). Moreover, much research had been done to toughen divorce
laws, firstly by the pro marriage movement who advocate the unwillingness of people
to work on the relationship and secondly the increased divorce rates since lenient
divorce laws came into effect in the 1970s (Weiten et al, 2009).

Weiten et al (2009) provide attachment style theories that show how an infant
develops its attachment to the primary caregiver is the primary attachment style used
in later life, however they note these can change. Attachment refers to the enduring
emotional bond children form with their parents and consequent sense of security
(Westen et al, 2006). Attachment styles include (a) preoccupied with the relationship,
(b) avoidant-dismissing of intimacy and unconcerned with rejection, (c) avoidant-
fearful of rejection and socialising, (d) ideally secure and comfortable with intimacy
and autonomy (Westen et al, p256). Similarly, Melody (2003) categorises these styles
as Co-dependency in two positions – Love Addict, one who is shows high neediness
and intensity in the relationship and Love Avoidant – one who keeps a distance and
avoids the intensity.

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 Intimacy is the healthy, mature position a person takes when they have
become aware of their attachment style and begin seeing their partner realistically,
take responsibility for personal growth and can operate well on their own (Melody,
2003). Similarly, Cardillo (1998), North West University, reveals a theory on
personality that shows development happens together with intimacy and one cannot
develop independent of the other, consequently early life relationships serve as
prototype for adult relationships. Meanwhile Waters (2004) tested Freud’s hypothesis
on the roots of love stemming from infancy and found research supports this claim
although people can change, regardless of the past and develop fulfilling relationships.

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 Method

Participants

3 participants were interviewed for this study, 1 man and 2 women consisting of the
following characteristics;

A male aged 40 years old, is currently cohabitating with his partner for 12 years. This
relationship is a homosexual (gay) relationship.

A female aged 50 years old has been married for 31 years with 2 children. She has a
heterosexual, monogamous marriage, which means the couple have only one spouse
at a time.

A female aged 23 years old, currently cohabitating in a heterosexual relationship for

3.5 years and engaged to be married for 16 months. She has an Endogamous
relationship, which means she chose her marriage partner within a particular social
group.

Participants were chosen based on their current romantic relationship status to be able
to provide diverse perspectives on traditional relationship benefits, the role religion
plays, marriage and sexual orientation.

Materials

Information was gathered using 10 set questions for each participant, as well as filling
in a questionnaire after the interview.

Questions were designed in order to examine beliefs and behaviour surrounding

romantic relationships.

One questionnaire was open questioning on attitudes on marriage and cohabitation

and the second questionnaire was questions relating to behaviour in intimate
relationships.

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Procedure

Interviews were conducted at the place of work where all participants worked in the
same department but in very different roles. Upon meeting at a designated meeting
room participants were told the interviews were for a report researching romantic
relationships. Participants were reassured of confidentiality and asked to be open and
honest as possible. Additionally they were asked to elaborate further as needed.

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 Results

All participants said humour and open communication was important when selecting a
partner. Two said honesty and empathy were important and one said appearance,
sharing housework, being affectionate, religion, politeness and able to handle conflict
were also important.

All three participants stated it was necessary for them to be in love with the
person when selecting a partner for either marriage or cohabitation. Each individual
however, described definitions of love differently.

Two of the three participants stated their choice of partner was restricted to
what was required by their religion.

Emotional support was the most common gain from the relationship for all
participants and two said security. Security referred to either financial or a stronger
sense of self. When probed further the secure sense of self was more confidence in
self.

Infidelity would cause all participants to leave a relationship as with verbal or

physical abuse, however one would tolerate it more and for longer than the other two
which was a result of fear from loss of financial security. Two stated emotional
immaturity would cause them to leave.

Three participants said maintaining a relationship required both partners to

work on communication and make time for outings. Two participants said personal
development was a part of ensuring the relationship continued in the long term.

Spending money was a main source of conflict by all three participants and
coping styles by all were open dialogue and learning to compromise.

Two participants thought the government should promote marriage as much or

more than it is currently and one participant said marriage should not be promoted at
all. Additionally the two participants who were pro marriage said religion would
prevent them from divorce and one said children would stop them from a divorce.

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Similarly, participants would suffer in terms of health and self-esteem should the
relationship end.

All participant explained strong correlations between their relating style,

conflict style and behaviour in their current relationships and how their parent’s
relationships were perceived. In addition substantial co relations were identified with
participant’s sibling’s relationships.

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 Discussion

The results of this report confirm the hypothesis as in Weiten et al (2009) and
Bernstein et al (2006), that close intimate relationships are an important part of an
individual’s overall happiness and wellbeing as each participant reported they were
very happy to be in their current relationship and showed visible signs of distress
when questioned about leaving their partner in the interview. Most hesitated to
answer, hung their head, looked down and stopped smiling. Additionally all
participants reported an increase in personal development and self esteem as the
relationship progressed.

Love was described in many caring behaviours and emotional understanding

from their partners. The two participants involved in marriage spoke of three
components (passion, intimacy and commitment) of Sternberg’s theory (Weiten 2009)
and the participant cohabitating did not speak of commitment. In contrast, the two
participants that were pro marriage stated religious beliefs were a large part of their
decision to get married and the other participant was not asked about commitment in
their relationship. So the theory of consummate love is subjective to further
observations in these relationships.

Significant differences in the quality of the relationships were observed.

Firstly the two participants who included personal development as a necessary
component of maintaining long-term relationships are enjoying what they described
as happy relationships that are well maintained by working on communication and
conflict. Secondly the younger participant reported a happy relationship but was also
observed to have conflict, emotional and communication problems in the relationship.
Furthermore this participant said they would stay in a relationship for longer
tolerating both physical and verbal abuse before leaving and the two older participants
said they would not tolerate much verbal abuse before they would leave, as stated by
Melody (2003).

This report confirms the theories that early childhood and parent relating
affects adult relationships later in life, particularly in Melody (2003). In spite of this
the observations here are highly subjective for a number of reasons;

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 Firstly one half of the couple was interviewed and the participant’s parent’s
relationships were viewed from one perspective. Secondly participants were work
colleagues and might have a preference to portray themselves in a positive light and
finally confidentiality issues were discussed and reassured by the interviewer however
the interviews were conducted in a work environment and if participants feared gossip
it might cause less disclosure.

It is the recommendations of this paper that people engage in personal

development before they get married and/or have children. This would benefit people
such as the participant experiencing current problems in the relationship that might
escalate, particularly if they had children as stated in Weiten, (2009). Additionally the
participant would benefit from addressing fears of financial security, possibly cope
better on their own, reducing the need for tolerating abuse. In other words avoid a co-
dependant relationship (Melody, 2003).

In order to identify a healthy relationship, research needs to be undertaken

across a wider sample of the population. This could be addressed by interviewing both
people in the relationship, assessing how conflict is managed, when it occurs, why
and so on. The couple themselves willing to engage in ongoing relationship
monitoring and feedback over a period of time could do this. In addition valuable
evidence would be gained by interviewing all members of each of the couple’s
families. This type of research would help the couple and the families become aware
of patterns and repeated behaviours they would like to change.

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 Reference List

Bernstein, D.A., Penner, L.A, Clarke-Stewart, A., Roy, E.J. (2006) Psychology (7th
ed). Boston: Haughton Mifflin Company

Cardillo, M., Intimate Relationships: Personality Development through Interaction

during early life, (1998) http://www.personalityresearch.org/papers/cardillo.html
[accessed 25/08/08]

DeVito, J. A., (2001) The Interpersonal Communication Book 9th ed. Addison Wesley
Longman, Inc. USA

Melody, P. (2003) Facing Love Addiction, HarperCollins Publishers, Inc, New York.

Ohio State University Extension; Family Tapestries; Fact Sheet 2003

http://ohioline.osu.edu/flm01/FS02.html [accessed 25/08/2008]

Ohio State University Fact Sheet; Dealing with anger in a Marriage (2003?)
http://www.ag.ohio-state.edu/~ohioline/flm97/fs09.html [accessed 25/08/2008]

Perlman, D. (2007) The best of times, the worst of times: The place of close
relationships in psychology and our daily lives. Canadian Psychology, 48:1, pp7-18.

The Gottman Institute, 12-year study of Gay & Lesbian Couples.

http://www.gottman.com/research/projects/gaylesbian/ [accessed 25/08/08]

Waters, T., Learning to love: You’re your Mother’s Arms to your Lover’s arms,
(2004) http://www.psychology.sunysb.edu/attachment/online/twaters_medium.pdf.
[accessed 25/08/08]

Weiten, W., Lloyd, M.A., Dunn, S. D., Hammer, E.Y. (2009) Psychology Applied to
Modern Life: Adjustment in the 21st Century– 9th Edition. Wadsworth Cengage
Learning, Belmont, CA. USA

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Westen, D., Burton, L., Kowalski, R. (2006) Psychology: Australia & New Zealand
Edition: John Wiley & Sons Aust Ltd, QLD, Australia

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 Appendix A: Romantic Relationships

Question One: What qualities are most important to you in a relationship and why?

Question Two: How important is love/being in love when choosing a partner and
why?

Question Three: What do you get out of your current relationship?

Question Four: What would make you decide to leave a relationship and why?

Question Five: How do you maintain your relationships now?

Question Six: How and why have your past relationships ended?

Question Seven: Do you believe governments should promote marriage and why?

Question Eight: Would you get a divorce and why?

Question Nine: What is your parent’s relationship like and how did it affect you as a
child?

Question Ten: What are your sibling’s relationships like?

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