DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH & WELLBEING ISSUE 59

DISCOVER

Reflect
The truth behind
procrastination

&connect
And why we don't do
the things we should
40
CTS

Unleash the everyday force

powering your wellbeing
ESPANA
BB

HA-PPI-FUL
15
100
questions you
NEED to ask
your partner
Take it
easy... TH 60

Master
the art of
bathing
JP 10

1 1st

SIGNED.
SEALED.
80
HA-PPI-FUL
DELIVERED.
Creative ways
to stay in touch
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If you must doubt
something, doubt
your limits
PRICE PRITCHETT

Photography | Nicolas Villalobos

 Bridge the gap
It was a couple of years ago, I’d of social capital on p14 – where
just moved house and invited a we’re asking, how precisely does
friend round for the evening. I friendship enrich our lives? We’re
had only been living there for a also bringing you heartwarming
matter of days, and my furniture stories of unlikely friendships on
was covered in stacks of bags and p34, and get tips from a life coach
boxes. So, we laid down a picnic on how to apply neuro-linguistic
blanket on the living room floor, lit programming principles to your
some candles, put out a spread, own relationships on p60.
and ate off our laps.
But, also, scattered throughout
We tucked into our favourite this issue you will find more
foods, shared secrets, listened to than 140 practical tips, ideas,
music, and laughed and laughed. and moments of inspiration, for
Nothing unusual, but I can pinpoint forging new and maintaining old
that night as a time when I really connections with others. So keep
stopped to acknowledge the an eye out for those.
full-body warming effect of good,
honest, simple friendship. Ultimately, when all is said and
done, getting that promotion
After that, I made a determined doesn’t make laughing with your
step to prioritise the relationships friends any funnier. The latest
I had with my friends, but then, must-have gift doesn’t mean the
you guessed it, the pandemic hit comforting presence of a loved
and social plans went on a long- one runs any deeper. Picture-
term hiatus. So I learnt a lesson on perfect holidays can’t really
the power of connection all over improve the outpouring of love
again, only this time it was from its we already feel for our families
absence. (the ones who raised us and the
ones we found along the way). At Happiful, inclusivity,
According to the Campaign to End representation, and creating
Loneliness, 45% of adults in England These things exist on a completely a happier, healthier society
feel occasionally, sometimes, or different level, and fulfil us in ways is at the forefront of our
often lonely - and it will come as nothing material ever can, they mission. To find our more
no surprise to anyone that those have untouchable value to us about our social and
numbers have peaked over the all – and that’s something worth environmental pledges,
past couple of years. Human treasuring. visit happiful.com/pledges
relationships are vital for our health,
both mental and physical, and yet
feelings of isolation are far from W | happiful.com
uncommon.
F | happifulhq

This issue, we wanted to stop and T | @happifulhq

celebrate the power of connection, KATHRYN WHEELER
delving into the fascinating concept | GUEST EDITOR I| @happiful_magazine
 60
Connect more
14 What is social capital?
How do our relationships with
others enrich our lives?

25 Men get heartache, too

One man's story of his personal
journey with heartbreak

34 Unlikely friendships
Touching stories of people who
reached out across boundaries

54 A listening ear
Discover the power of online
mental health communities

60 Boost your connections

Strategies for long-lasting friendships 28
Food & health
29 Eye yoga
How to take care of your eye health

42 Support for health anxiety

How to be there for someone 17
50 Spread the joy Positive pointers Wellbeing
An ultimate guide to sharing platters
17 Invest in rest 32 What is somatic therapy?
91 Endometriosis, explained How taking time out is vital
for creative ventures 39 Five skin-picking myths

22 Spring clean your habits 55 Difficult conversations

Culture A guide to talking about sexual abuse
52 Sensuous simmer pots
8 Good news Scent your home, the natural way 66 The art of bathing
Uplifting stories to make you smile It's time to get serious about self-care
78 Cut yourself some slack
13 The wellbeing wrap How to tell when you're being 75 The future of wellness
too hard on yourself Can tech transform ancient traditions?
38 Good reads
80 Procrastinate with purpose 85 Picture this
58 10 new things to try Why do we put things off? Kids books that explore mental health
 52 Try this at home
28 Fun ways to stay in touch

48 Build eco-habits

90 Invite spring into your home

98 Morning affirmations
Start the day off right

*
Expert review

39
Every issue of Happiful is
reviewed by an accredited
counsellor, to ensure we
deliver the highest quality
True stories content while handling
topics sensitively.
45 Ruth: Life with allergies
The relationships we
Severe allergies ran her life, until she
have with people form an
began to ask for what she needed
inherent part of our identity
69 Josephine: Slowing down – they become a part of
Tortured with panic attacks, Josephine us. This has the potential
knew things needed to change to be both a positive
and negative influence,
95 Rupert: Uplifting others depending on the kind
His experiences drove him to support of company we keep. It’s
and empower those around him essential that we foster
relationships in our lives that
support us to grow, and

29 Relationships bring us joy and happiness.

Head over to p14 to check
20 Spot a toxic workplace out how social relationships
What are the signs to watch for? can enrich our lives and
enhance wellbeing. Our
engagement with others
62 Before you share...
can be very powerful, this is
Self-care tips for when you decide
something you can control
to open up to others
and determine.
72 Raise your voice RAV SEKHON
Switch up your workplace dynamics BA MA MBACP (Accred)
Rav is a counsellor

66
and psychotherapist
86 100 Qs to boost intimacy with more than 10
Settle down and ask your significant years' experience.
other these 100 questions
 Expert Panel Our team
Meet the team of experts providing information, guidance, EDITORIAL
Kathryn Wheeler | Guest Editor
and insight throughout this issue
Rebecca Thair | Editor
Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers
SHANNON WESTERN GRAEME ORR
BSc MSc ANutr MBACP (Accred) Reg Ind Becky Wright | Content & Marketing Officer
Grace Victory, Andy Gill | Columnists
Shannon is a nutritionist who Graeme is a counsellor
specialises in disordered eating working with both Lucy Donoughue | Head of Partnerships
and women’s health. individuals and couples. Ellen Hoggard | Digital Editor
Keith Howitt | Sub-Editor
Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor
RUTH PARCHMENT ANDY GILL
ART & DESIGN
BA MA GDip PGDip BPS BABCP BA NLP E-RYT JSY500 AC BWY
Amy-Jean Burns | Head of Product
Ruth is a psychotherapist Andy is a therapist
who specialises in cognitive who uses coaching, Charlotte Reynell | Creative Lead
behavioural therapy. hypnotherapy, and yoga. Rosan Magar | Illustrator
Tamlyn Izzett | Graphic Designer

COMMUNICATIONS
ALEX ALLAN JENNY WARWICK Alice Greedus | PR Manager
BSc (Hons) NT PGDip BACP

Alex is a registered Jenny is a counsellor CONTRIBUTORS

nutritional therapist specialising in relationships Elle Redman, Klaudia Mitura, Alex Holmes,
specialising in gut health. and family issues. Lauren Brown, Ruth Holroyd, Jeremy Sachs,
Rebecca Lockwood, Caroline Butterwick,
Josephine Brooks, Amanda Nicholson,
Robert Sanders, Jenna Farmer, Rupert Rixon
DR SELINA TOUR SOPHIE MEDLIN
BSc MSc DClinPsy BSc Hons RD FHEA SPECIAL THANKS
Ruth Parchment, Sukhi Johal, Dr Selina Tour,
Selina is a clinical Sophie is a dietitian Dr Sophie Gwinnett, Alex Allan, Jenny Warwick,
psychologist with interests and director of City Louisa Alessandra Pini, Sophie Medlin,
in somatic therapy. Dietitians. Rachel Coffey, Graeme Orr, Shannon Western

MANAGEMENT
Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder
SUKHI JOHAL RACHEL COFFEY Emma White | Director & Co-Founder
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Sukhi is a personal Rachel is a life coach,
encouraging SUBSCRIPTIONS
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Jeremy is an integrated Sophie is a clinical Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL
psychotherapist who specialises psychologist with a interest in Email us at [email protected]
in working with trauma recovery. health-related issues.
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SUPPORT FOR SURVIVORS OF SEXUAL ABUSE

p55 For support, consultation, and a free helpline, visit
thesurvivorstrust.org or call 08088 010818

CONNECT WITH A LIFE COACH

p72 Learn more about life coaching and connect with a One undeniable truth is that
professional using lifecoach-directory.org.uk finding the right help for each
individual is a journey – what
works for one of us will be
different for someone else. But
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CTS

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 The Uplift

Image | Netflix Afterlife Series 3

COMMUNITY

Netflix donates ‘After Life’ benches to

help communities connect
To celebrate the new series of share, and listen. And each bench “Park benches provide
Ricky Gervais’ After Life, Netflix will have a unique QR code, which opportunities to talk, and get
and suicide prevention charity links to support and reveals the things off your chest,” says Simon
CALM has commissioned wording: ‘Life can be tough, but Gunning, CEO of CALM. “That
25 benches to be donated to there’s always hope. Campaign is why we’re delighted to team
local councils around the UK – Against Living Miserably (CALM) up with Netflix to put benches
including Bath, Birmingham, is by your side.’ in parks across the country
Glasgow, Liverpool, Taunton, and Speaking about the – inscribed with that crucial
Surrey Heath – to create spaces for announcement, Ricky Gervais line from the show, ‘Hope is
communities to come together. said: “We hope the benches will everything’ – to help people have
The move was inspired by scenes create a lasting legacy for After those conversations.”
in After Life, where Ricky Gervais’ Life, as well as become a place for ‘After Life’ series three is out now.
character, Tony, is seen sitting on people to visit, and we are thrilled To find out more about CALM, visit
a bench in his local churchyard – a to be associated with CALM and thecalmzone.net
place where he comes to reflect, the great work they do.” Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

8 | Issue 59 | happiful.com
WELLBEING

Is your motivation to exercise waning?

Call in these reinforcements
Finding the motivation to exercise running, and cycling named as “Exercise classes are a great
can be like panning for gold. A some of the most tedious sports. example of getting the best of
bit of a slog but, when you find Five out of 10, however, noted both worlds,’’ Zumba education
it, it feels pretty great. Now, new that they use exercise as a chance specialist, Sandra Harnez says. “You
research from dance fitness brand to meet friends, with 38% saying get a workout as well as spending
Zumba reveals a couple of key having a pal present means time with other people – and, in our
ingredients to make exercise more they’re more likely to work harder, case, it’s driven by music that helps
fun: working out with pals, and and be more motivated to leave to put a smile on people’s faces.”
pumping up the tunes. the house. The best way to make exercise
The survey of 2,000 adults found Another motivator uncovered by a habit is to enjoy it! So if you’re
four in 10 work out every couple of the survey was music, with 65% struggling, find a friend, make a
days, but 50% of the time they find saying it has a positive impact on playlist, and shimmy away.
it hard going, with weight lifting, their session. Writing | Kat Nicholls

HEALTH

Female sexuality and health

research gets the boost it deserves
As part of their pledge to close benefiting from the fund is set to
the gender health gap, sex toy investigate the effects of sexual
company Womanizer has created dysfunction and breast cancer. Of
The Pleasure Fund – committing to the 70,000 people diagnosed with
invest €250,000 (around £209,000) breast cancer each year, many
over the next five years to support experience changes in vaginal
research into female health, sexual blood flow, a lower libido, and
wellbeing, and sexual pleasure. a decreased sense of body self-
Due to gender bias in clinical worth. The study is set to explore
trials, many diseases and whether masturbation can help
symptoms experienced by women those who have experienced
remain relatively unknown, breast cancer to re-learn sexual
leading to misdiagnosis, arousal, and develop a more health are obvious and range from
unexplored treatment positive body image, as well as general to reproductive to sexual
approaches, and less effective improve blood flow. health. The Pleasure Fund is a
medications for women. Considering the pledge, Dr wonderful and important way to
In collaboration with the Charité Jessica Shepherd, a gynaecologist find the right answers for women
University Hospital and Research and women’s health expert, in our community.”
Institute in Berlin, the first project commented: “The gaps in female Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 9
 WORK

Gen Z raises the

bar for ethical
workplaces
A ‘war for talent’ is on the horizon, and
new data from healthcare provider Bupa
suggests that businesses which put ethics
first will be the victors.
According to the survey, two in three Gen
Zs are anxious about the environment,
with 64% saying that it’s important that
their employers act on environmental
issues. Additionally, the findings also
suggested that many are prioritising their
mental health over their earnings – with
54% sayings that they would take a pay
cut to work for a business that reflects
their own ethics, and one in three would
turn down a company with poor ESG
(environmental, social, governance)
credentials.
“ESG commitments really can have an
impact on employee mental health, so it’s
important that businesses take note,” says
Dr Pablo Vandenabeele, clinical director
for mental health at Bupa. “A high salary
for work that feels meaningless can only
satisfy one for so long, whereas feeling
like we’re contributing to the greater good,
and making a difference, has a positive
effect on our self-esteem. It can even
reduce feelings of burnout, something
that many people are struggling with after
a tough couple of years.”
At a time when many of us can attest
to the way in which work pressure can
impact our mental health and wellbeing,
asking for the bar to be raised is
something that can support everyone –
and it looks like the next generation could
be set on shaping a brighter future.
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 11
Take 5
How did
you
do? Sea
rch
'freebies
shop.ha ' at
ppiful.co
to find th m
Test your puzzling prowess with this e answe
rs,
and mor
issue’s brain-teasing challenges e!

Wordsearch
Eagle eyes at the ready – C T F I S D O L C K
can you spot the following
10 words in the grid? Bonus O R R P E N P A L H
points if you can identify the
three words not in the list! N O T U B O K E O A

PEN PAL N P G F S B L E S R
CONNECTION
E P N E F T G O E M
TRUST
HARMONY C U U P T A M I G O
RAPPORT
T S F K S M U P A N
MESSAGE
HOPE I C B S H H O P E Y
FUN
O K E E M P A T H Y
BOND
AMIGO N M J T R O P P A R

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Using the letters in the wheel no more than once, make as N E
many words as you can of three letters or more, always
including the letter at the centre of the wheel. Want an C L
extra challenge? Set yourself a time limit – 90 seconds, go! O
W O
5 = puzzle pro
10 = wordsmith wizard D A
15+ = Shakespearean superstar
 The
wellbeing
Strut safe
A support line (0333 335
0026) set up by two women,
wrap Alice and Rachel, is helping protect
those walking home alone at night.
Strut Safe volunteers are on duty
Demonstrating
the impact of the Call of the wild at weekends, offering a voice of
Hippos are notorious comfort and support to those
Covid-19 pandemic travelling solo, and are ready
A four-day and subsequent for their bellows, grunts,
to alert emergency
working week
lockdownns on and ‘honking’ noises,
trial, featuring services if needed.
youngsters’ mental but new research has
around 30 UK
companies, is health, the Oxford revealed this wide vocal Take
launching University Press repertoire actually your time
revealed that ‘anxiety’ enables the animals A supermarket chain in
has been voted the to recognise individual the Netherlands is tackling
children’s word of the voices of friends and loneliness by offering customers
year for 2021. family, as well as foes. a chance to have a good natter.
Designated ‘chat checkouts’
A stitch in time saves nine create a more sedate shopping
But for how much longer? A new survey by experience for those looking for
A world-first Prespectus Global has revealed a number of more of a social connnection
transplant traditional sayings and phrases are falling out during their weekly shop.
has seen a
man receive of use. Modern-day Brits are mostly unfamiliar
a genetically- with terms such as ‘pearls before swine’, ‘pip A new scheme is being
modified pip’, ‘tickety boo’, and ‘a load of old codswallop’,
pig’s heart piloted in Bristol, offering
which could see them dying out as our comedy classes to help
language develops. trauma patients recover.
The grass is always greener... With sessions delivered by
Where you water it, that is. And a new project professional comics, the
announced by the National Trust is certainly looking to hope is the free six-week
nuture our natural spaces. The conservation charity is course will help provide
A small cinema setting out to connect patches of rural land into ‘green a fresh perspective on
in Manchester is corridors’ that will tie urban areas to the countryside. experiences. If it turns
now offering
dog-friendly The first step in this plan is to create a three-mile route out that laughter is
screeings of films in Bristol that connects the historic city to the stunning the best medicine, the
green landscapes around it, but it isn’t stopping there. initiative could soon be
The bigger picture sees the charity look to develop 20 rolled out across the NHS.
green corridors across the UK by 2030.

Cornwall Council is tackling A soup-er idea

homelessness head on, by With reports that the UK throws out 9.5 million tonnes
installing 29 modular one-bed of food each year – more specificially 941 million
homes, which have a 60-year potatoes, 733 million tomatoes, and 728 million carrots
Britain’s longest lifespan, across the county. The – supermarket Sainsburys is ladelling out some strong
married couple,
Ron and Joyce self-contained units enable the advice to help reduce food waste. Recommending
Bond, celebrate area to address the current recipes and encouraging customers to embrace their
their 81st housing crisis, and offer a safe soup skills, these homemade, hearty dishes serve up
anniversary
residence for those in need. some much-needed support for the planet, too.
 What is
social capital?
$

How do our social connections enrich our lives?

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler Illustrating | Rosan Magar
 connect more

trade in, like money, and so social to give your self-esteem a boost,
capital essentially captures the right? Now let’s say that you’re
£

way in which our friendships going through a rough patch

and connections unlock these with your health, and a friend
benefits – in short, rich in notices, you then get the help you
friendship, rich in life. need with the support of a loved
Of course, that can be in one, and you start down the path
financial terms (think, for to recovery. Or maybe you’re
example, it’s not what you know drowning in errands in the lead-
but who you know), but perhaps up to a big event, but you can call
more interesting is the way in on a friend who you know will
which being rich in social capital take a couple of things off your
can enhance our health and to-do list so you can put your
$

wellbeing. energy elsewhere. Each of these

“As social creatures, our are examples of the everyday
nervous systems are hardwired ways that connections make our
for social connection,” explains lives easier, meaning we have
psychotherapist Ruth Parchment. the time, energy, resources, and
“Our ‘happy hormones’ increase confidence to succeed. >>>
with good friendships, these
include dopamine, oxytocin,
serotonin, and endorphins
that can help reduce stress and
feelings of pain.” As social creatures,

T
here are countless viral
Ruth points to two fascinating
studies. The first, published in
our nervous
quotes that say something the Journal of Women & Aging, systems are
along the lines of, if you’re
rich in friendship you’re
found that cortisol levels (a stress
hormone) were significantly
hardwired for
rich for life – the point being that lowered when participants social connection
our connections enhance our spoke to their friends, and that
lives in ways other factors can friends played a significant role
only just scratch the surface. But in helping one another solve
behind the greeting-card-ready difficult life problems. The
$

soppiness, is the foundation of a second, conducted by Oxford

very real sociological concept. University, found that people with
A precise definition of ‘social a wide social circle experience a
capital’ isn’t always easy to higher pain tolerance threshold
pin down, as its application compared to those people with
is varied and debated, but it fewer friends.
generally refers to the way in So what does social capital look
which our social relationships like in practice? Well, say you’re
have productive benefits – in heading to a job interview, and
our careers, for our health, our you get a call from a friend to
£

mental wellbeing, and pretty wish you luck and to give you
much all aspects of our lives. a last-minute reminder of how
‘Capital’ is an asset that we can incredible you are, that’s going

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 15
 Boost your connections
Psychotherapist Ruth Parchment’s great evidence base in helping
tips for raising your social capital: people learn practical ways of

$
addressing social anxiety.
Be open to new connections
and possibilities for friendships Consider what you
Each person we meet provides value in a friend
the opportunity for connection Is it someone that you can enjoy
with another human being. Being activities together with? Someone
open allows us to be present, you can have deep conversations
to find commonality, listen, and with? Someone who understands
share; qualities that help build or shares aspects of your identity?
and maintain friendships and There may be a mixture of values
connections. that feel important in a friendship,
I encourage you to think of what
Improve your self-confidence yours might be.
One of the biggest obstacles to the ways that the connections
social connection is social anxiety Positive friendships and we have support us in all areas
and low social confidence, there’s connections are important of our lives, how being ‘rich’
fear of being judged negatively, I use the words, “positive in deep, fulfilling, honest
rejected, humiliated, and coming friendships and connections” relationships broadens our
across badly. A useful tip for because we can experience horizons – and it should be a ‘give
addressing social anxiety is to social connections that make and take’ dynamic. It helps us to
focus your attention outwards, us feel bad and deplete us. It’s understand how all these factors
so that you are really paying important to gravitate towards intermingle, and how they help
attention to the other person friendships and connections that us to get ahead. So, it might be
and situation, as opposed to generally feel positive. Qualities time to take stock of your social
being caught up in your internal such as trust, consistency, good capital and trace the ways your
fears and worries. Cognitive communication, and shared friendships support you – you
behavioural therapy (CBT) has a values, are helpful to consider. may be surprised at how deeply
they run.

“Friendships can also help providing a space in which I

boost fun, a sense of adventure, can connect with my playful
creativity, and playfulness,” creativity.”
Ruth adds. “There is growing All this said, it’s important
research on how playfulness in to remember that friendship
adults can improve happiness isn’t a means to an end, and we
and decrease stress and anxiety. shouldn’t think of the people
I’m eternally grateful to a friend in our lives in terms of their Ruth Parchment is a psychotherapist
who encouraged me to try out transactional value, ready to cash who specialises in cognitive
behavioural therapy. She helps
a sculpture class many years them in at any point. Instead, people connect with their values
ago. Creating things has become the concept of social capital and authenticity. Find out more by
one of my favourite pastimes, encourages us to take note of visiting counselling-directory.org.uk

16 | Issue 59 | happiful.com
 positive pointers

The art of idleness

What’s the relationship between rest and creativity, and how can moments of
inactivity boost our productivity? Here, creatives explain how rest inspires their
work as artists, and why slowing down has such a key part to play
Writing | Elle Redman

S
ome of the most creative vice. It is as indispensable to the A survey of 1,000 women in
people in history have brain as vitamin D is to the body. Britain, conducted by online
linked their artistic “The space and quiet that florist Serenata Flowers, found
success to moments of idleness provides is a necessary that half its participants took
idleness. Mozart, for example, condition for standing back up a new hobby during the
once described how he would from life and seeing it whole, pandemic, with 67% practising
imagine new melodies while for making unexpected their new skills at least once a
he was eating in a restaurant, connections, and waiting for week, and learning a new skill,
walking home after a meal, or the wild summer lightning or taking up a hobby, even
getting ready for bed. strikes of inspiration,” he came highly recommended
Like an unexpected spark of writes. by Public Health England as
light, there’s often no telling It is, Kreider concludes, a means of managing mental
when a sudden burst of paradoxically, necessary to health.
inspiration will come, stopping getting any work done. There’s some fascinating
us in our tracks with a bright science behind this, too. A
new idea, thought, or realisation. Creativity in full bloom study exploring the concept
Creativity, in fact, is both a When lockdown began in March of ‘mind wandering’, by the
mysterious and magical feat. 2020, many people across the University of York and the
In an article in The New York UK experienced increased University of California,
Times, essayist and cartoonist Tim downtime, and a marked indicated that more than 40%
Kreider draws on the intrinsic slowdown in their pace of life. of creative ideas arise during
relationship between rest and With this, many also embraced breaks and downtime – when
creativity: “Idleness is not just lockdown as an opportunity to our minds are free to rest and
a vacation, an indulgence, or a learn something new. wander. >>>

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 17
 More than 40% of
creative ideas arise
during breaks and
downtime – when
our minds are free
to rest and wander

world. A lot of the time, the work

we do isn’t the kind that anybody
can see. It’s the internal work of
building on our relationships and
identities.
“When we neglect to take care
of our inner world, it can hold
us back in our creative process,”
Judith says.
The research suggested that the explains that during moments Rest comes in various shapes
parts of the human brain which when our minds are unfocused, and sizes for different people at
drive creativity are most active or when we’re doing something different times, she adds.
when we don’t have to focus, repetitive, such as washing the For her, it doesn’t always take the
with moments of creativity and dishes or listening to a podcast, traditional form of sitting down
innovation taking place when we access parts of our brain that and putting her feet up, but it can
we’re at rest. are much more complex. look like pursuing a new project,
Creativity, therefore, whether This is when our minds are able working wholeheartedly on
existing as an expression, to gather information and create something she’s passionate about,
enterprise, remedy (or all of the new solutions, she says. or spending time in the community.
above), arguably cannot exist in “I’ve always loved to run, so I
full bloom without a level of rest often think of solutions while I’m The value of margin
and idleness. out running,” says Judith. “I think of rest as the margins
“At times, I’m a procrastinator, around the page of a book I’m
The beauty of but often, it’s in those moments reading,” explains poet, producer,
procrastination of procrastination that I find the and musician, Joshua Luke Smith.
Judith Achumba-Wöllenstein answers to a problem that I’ve The words matter but without the
is the co-founder and creative been staying up all night to solve.” margins, they run into each other
director of fashion psychology Exploring the close connection and are senseless, he says.
magazine, Hajinsky. between rest and creativity, Joshua continues: “When I rest,
Drawing on her background Judith notes: “Rest often involves I create order and context around
in cognitive psychology, Judith a clearing up process of our inner everything I do. I don’t rest as

18 | Issue 59 | happiful.com
 positive pointers

day, such as when she’s driving

or lying down in bed.
“Rest is the action of gaining
more energy and feeling
complete,” she says.
Speaking of how rest informs
her work as an artist, Lois
reveals: “If rest wasn’t part of the
ebb and flow of my life, I’d find it
a reward, but to return to the Ultimately, he concludes, it’s a really hard to create.”
original expression of human man who was present, available, Seeking and finding beauty in
design. I am a being, not a doing.” grateful, and loving. the world around her, Lois looks
Describing the rhythms of rest out for unique colour palettes,
in his daily life, Joshua says: “Each The ebb and flow of creating rock formations, and fascinating
morning, I wake up before my Multidisciplinary visual artist, landscapes while she’s walking.
wife and daughter, simply to be in Lois Seco, creates from the “This is the rest that directly
silence. philosophical belief that art affects my work,” she recalls.
“There’s a phrase I’ve seen connects us to something bigger Sharing a warm word of
bandied around, particularly than ourselves. wisdom for anyone struggling
among young entrepreneurs, that While her experience of rest has with burnout, Lois suggests:
says ‘Never not working’. It sounds greatly changed since becoming “Why not make a mental or
admirable and dedicated, but I a mother, Lois feels most at peace physical list of all the things that
think it would be the last thing when she’s creating. make you feel alive, that you
any of us would want our friends “When I practise line drawing, can practically blend into your
and family to say of us when we’re play around with colours, or week?”
gone,” he notes. experiment with art, there’s a She recommends jotting down
“The question ‘How do I want real sense of peace, calm, and a list of actions following the
those I love most to remember wholeness within me,” she says. statement ‘I feel most rested
me?’ is the compass that leads me For her, creative ideas freely when…’ Then, even if it’s for only
away from being busy and burning spring to mind during the idle five minutes a day, make a habit
out,” he says. and autopilot moments of her of prioritising those things.

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 19
 5 signs of a
toxic workplace
Spot the warning signs that a workplace has turned sour

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler Illustrating | Rosan Magar

A
ccording to findings from positions, or those on the lookout HR system, or have no liaison to
HR system Breath’s latest for red flags as they consider reach out to about training needs
Culture Economy report, switching roles, here, with help and promotion opportunities.”
one in five Brits have from life coach Sukhi Johal, This is something you can ask
quit their job due to toxic workplace we’re exploring five signs that a about at the interview stage if you
culture. With that in mind, it’s safe workplace has turned toxic. are looking for a new job, or is
to say that nearly all of us will at worth considering and discussing
least have some idea of what a ‘toxic 1. There’s no, or very little, if it applies to an organisation you
workplace’ may look like. career progression are already working for. As Sukhi
But, sometimes, the elements “When organisations don’t invest points out, workplaces that do not
that go into building up this kind in developing and encouraging provide these opportunities tend
of culture can fly under the radar, the growth of their employees, to have a higher staff turnover
meaning you may not realise the this is a red flag,” Sukhi says. “You rate, as individuals feel unseen
extent of the problem before you’re can usually spot this organisation and immaterial to the progress of
already at the centre of it. For if they don’t have a ‘learning and the organisation, and so begin to
those beginning to question their development unit’ within the look elsewhere.

20 | Issue 59 | happiful.com
 relationships

2. Lack of communication be clearly defined in your job insecure in their environments.

It’s a core pillar of any healthy description so, if in doubt, take When employees feel this way
relationship, and that’s no a look over it and see how it there is often a spike in sick
different when it comes to our stands up against your day-to-day absences and prolonged leave.”
workplace ones. experience.
“Failure from leadership to 5. Everyone is despondent
communicate the organisation’s 4. Unfair practices and policies “If there is a constant sense
progress, and provide regular When it comes to unfair practices, of negativity, dejection, and
updates on projects and timelines, especially discrimination against bad patterns such as gossiping
can leave employees feeling protected characteristics (age, around the office, this is a clear
detached and unimportant,” Sukhi disability, gender reassignment, sign of a toxic culture,” Sukhi
explains. “The effect this has, marriage and civil partnership, says. “This usually occurs in
particularly on the wellbeing of pregnancy and maternity, race, organisations where employees
those working from home, creates are threatened with job
feelings of despondency insecurity and they feel
and a lack of motivation.” underappreciated or
But it’s not just an overworked.”
organisation’s progress Check in with your
that you should be in the colleagues, and
loop with, as Sukhi says take note of how
that you should also have they are feeling.
a sense that you are able They may echo the
to communicate your same experiences and
concerns in a supportive and feelings as you or, on
confidential environment. the other hand, you
may even discover
3. There is constant that you are unknowingly
confusion benefitting from the same
“Where organisations lack religion or belief, sex, and sexual culture.
direction and operations are orientation), there are laws in Whatever the case may be, the
indistinct, or where there place to protect you. That said, bottom line is that we all deserve
are undefined roles and sadly, this kind of behaviour can to be treated with respect and
responsibilities, this creates still persist. dignity, and spotting the signs
feelings of confusion and “Organisations that exhibit that something isn’t right is the
disorder,” Sukhi explains. “This unequal treatment of staff, such first step to taking action.
often results in repetitive meetings as overt favouritism, sexism,
and time-consuming discussions. and discrimination in career
Poor leadership and direction progression opportunities, are
lead to a lack of engagement, as toxic workplace environments,”
employees feel unclear as to what Sukhi says. “If there are no clear
they should be achieving.” policies in place for bringing your
Your time is valuable, and if grievances forward, this is a sign
you spend a lot of it confused as that management is unconcerned
to what you should be doing, or about their accountability.
Sukhi Johal is an NLP qualified
where your working priorities “This toxic culture will leave personal and professional
lie, this is a sign that something employee wellbeing at an all- development trainer. Find out more by
isn’t clicking. Your role should time low as they feel unsafe and visiting llifecoach-directory.org.uk

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 21
 Spring
clean
We spring clean our homes and wardrobes, so why not our daily habits?
Remove the unwanted actions and get some new ones with three easy steps
your
habits
Writing | Klaudia Mitura

H
appiness is a formation you to act. Charles Duhigg, the situation is a cue to activate a
of our habits. Or, at author of The Power of Habit, says craving for sugary food, kick
least, that’s according that instead of hoping that you the unwanted habit by deciding
to positive psychology will just remember to stick to ahead of time how differently
researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky, your positive habits, introduce an you are going to react to the
who has estimated that 40% of our obvious cue that will trigger you stressor. Perhaps you swap the
happiness depends on the habits to choose the right habit. Decide sweets for dried fruits, or go for a
we repeat daily. ahead of time that if X happens, walk instead?
From breathing exercises to then I will do Y. For instance,
gratitude journals, happy people when I make a cup of tea, I will 2. Change the first step
engage in habits that help them take my vitamins; when I brush Before your selected behaviour
to sustain their positive wellbeing my teeth, I will do breathing becomes a habit, you will need
even in the most challenging exercises; when my alarm rings, to repeat it multiple times.
situations. With that in mind, I will reach for the gratitude Harvard professor and author of
spring cleaning our habits once in journal. The more specific The Happiness Advantage, Shawn
a while can help to build positive the cue (cup of tea, breathing Achor, reminds us that the less
habits, and kick out unwanted exercises, or alarm), the more effort your brain needs to put in
ones. Here are three ways to do it likely you will follow your new taking the first step, the more
effectively: positive habit. chance you have of sustaining the
When it comes to any unwanted desirable behaviour. This means
1. Identify external cues for habits, the same logic applies making the first step towards
your habits, and decide your – but, this time, decide ahead positive habits as easy as possible
response ahead of time how you are going to change by applying the ‘path of least
Each habit begins with an your response to a more positive resistance’. Want to drink more
external cue, that is, a trigger for one. For instance, if a stressful water? Have a jug at your desk.

22 | Issue 59 | happiful.com
 3. Integrate positive
habits into your identity
James Clear, in his book Atomic
Habits, introduces the concept
of identity-based habits. Let’s
say you wish to start meditating.
Having an outcome-based habit
means that you say ‘I am going
to meditate three times a week’.
Opposite to that, the identity-
based habit encourages you to
ask ‘What kind of person do I
need to become to mediate?’ You
might answer: ‘Well, I need to
become a person who sticks to
their routine and never misses
a session. So even if I have only
five minutes today, I still do my
meditation because I’m the kind
of person who sticks to their
commitments.’ Clear shows that
Want to start a gratitude journal? highest part of your house so that people who have identity-based
Have it next to your bed. Want to in order to reach them you need habits are more likely to stick to
run every day? Leave your sports to go to a different room to grab the new habits after their initial
gear next to your front door. a stool, come back with it, climb enthusiasm washes away, than
While making the first step easy the stool, open a cupboard, and people who create outcome-
is the key to building positive so on… Similarly, if you wish to based habits.
habits, the opposite is true for watch less TV, take the batteries
unwanted habits: you want to out of the remote control and So, it’s out with the old, in with
make them tricky to implement. hide them in a different part of the new. Just remember, habits
And this is where ‘the path of your home. The harder it is to don’t form overnight, be patient
more resistance’ comes into play. complete the unwanted habit, with yourself and set realistic
For instance, if you want to stop the less likely it is that you will goals – small steps are key to
eating sweets, put them in the continue with it. reaching new heights.

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 23
 Anything is possible when
you have the right people
there to support you
MISTY COPELAND

Photography | Ben Masora

24 | Issue 59 | happiful.com
 connect more

Men get heartbroken too – no

matter what they tell you
For too long, males have been regarded as resilient, emotionally tough
heartbreakers. But the reality is that they are hurt by grief, betrayal, and loss
as much as anyone. It’s time to look again at what it means to be a man
Writing | Alex Holmes

D
uring the pandemic, The question I began trying Emotional vulnerability requires
I became enamoured to answer was: do we as men us to navigate parts of ourselves
with the Netflix series understand what it means to be lost at boyhood, and heartbreak
Sex Education. It was heartbroken? is the emotional rupture that
brave in tackling topics – around As much as we are touted as requires us to do the necessary
sexuality, love, and belonging the purveyors of resilience, work of loving deeper.
– that had never been possible emotional stoicism, and are My biggest heartbreaks came in
when I was at school. generally the ‘heartbreakers’, I the form of friendships ending,
In this latest season, I noticed would argue that the hearts we and the loss of people I love
the theme of heartbreak in men, break are our own. Culturally, through the pandemic. The ending
and its lasting legacy in how we we have been taught that men of a close friendship, which I had
handle these conversations as we don’t get brokenhearted. A myth I held up as one of my strongest
seek healthy and wholehearted believed – until I experienced my relationships, was followed in 2019
relationships, and wondered why own heartbreak. by the death of my nan.
we, as men, feel heartbreak so A painful symptom of These events caused me to feel
differently. heartbreak is disconnection extremely alone, disconnected
In real life, men feel as if they – but heartbreak is not only from the world, and struggling to
can’t share in the emotions of experienced through romantic find a way back from the depths
being heartbroken. Practising love. Grief, betrayal, deep loss of of this emotional pain. I struggled
love for ourselves is a challenge, a friendship, as well as the ending to regulate my emotions. I kept
and the show gave me a sense of a romantic relationship, are exploding in public, with my moods
that this was a conversation we all instrumental instigators of swinging from deep contemplation
are still having. heartbreak. to periodic anger and weeping. >>>

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 25
 My personal healing through
journaling created stronger and
deeper bonds with my friends
and family, and helped me get Most male
back to feeling myself again. friendships are
Self-compassion, though, is the
biggest key to navigating our own shoulder-to-
heartbreak as men. shoulder, not
We must allow ourselves to
feel what is happening, and let
heart-to-heart.
the feelings flow freely. We have Going through
to acknowledge the pain, and
slowly begin to nurture ourselves,
dark moments is
without scolding ourselves for usually done alone,
feeling this way.
Eminent writer and researcher,
rather than being
bell hooks, in her book, All held together
About Love, describes this
disconnection as men being awareness, and vulnerability)
‘frozen in time’ in boyhood, are never geared towards us.
and that men who are unable So much so, that the more
to make emotional connections disconnected we become, the
were unable to love because more foreign and dangerous
they fear that the loved one will these feelings grow.
abandon them, and in some As a boy, to be otherwise is
cases, betray them. implicitly unmanly, and that is
She goes on to say that women where we become unstuck. I was
‘yearn’ for love, while men don’t made to feel less than, and little
necessarily yearn, but receive it, did I know that that is our first
knowing what it feels like. foray into heartbreak – becoming
But I would argue that men are detached from ourselves.
in a constant state of yearning, In my book, Time To Talk: How
too; and not knowing true Men Think About Love, Belonging
love, we hold on to whatever and Connection, I explained that
we believe matches what we in my explorations in love, I
are told, not what we feel. This wasn’t able to make sufficient
This heartbreak was helped leads to further disappointment, emotional connections because
by therapy, which gave me the disconnection, and heartbreak, I felt I wasn’t manly enough if I
tools to articulate what I was because we don’t understand did. I didn’t feel safe.
feeling, by solid male friendships what it’s supposed to be. Expectations of what it means to
that held me up and gave me a One of the biggest failings in be a man result in us not knowing
shoulder to cry on, and by me the education of boys, in my where it is safe to be vulnerable.
dedicating myself to the practice view, is that ‘matters of the heart’ An environment where it is safe
of self-compassion. (e.g. emotional intelligence, to share experiences, and explore

26 | Issue 59 | happiful.com
 connect more

what causes moments of deep Going through dark moments

pain, is where vulnerability is usually done alone, rather
lives. Sharing can make steps
toward progress, opening Many men aren’t than being held together.
Encourage group therapy, or
ourselves up to the possibility of used to speaking joining men’s groups. These
love again.
about what are great ways to explore
community and reduce
Things to watch for: is happening loneliness.
• Men retreat inward,
go to a solitary state of
internally, so create Men do go through heartbreak,
disconnection, and are more a space for them no matter what they tell
likely to enter into addictive
states in the wake of grief –
that is safe you. Through my emotional
deepening, I grieved fully. I
and by extension, heartbreak. gambling – anything that grieved for the boy who was
Create an environment of suppresses the feelings of yearning for love, and had
safety to talk about what helplessness and depression. to mend the broken heart of
is happening – usually by Encourage journaling, sports, self-betrayal and loneliness
doing something active, or an activity, to process what that comes with a strong
like a walk or something is happening. disconnection to the self. Men,
distracting. Many men aren’t • Withdrawal from reality. There like everyone else, are going
used to speaking about what is a lot of shame that comes through life’s ebbs and flows –
is happening internally, so with vulnerability in men. we are just not well versed in
create a space for them that Community is not the easiest how to express it.
is safe. for men to come by, as most I choose to speak openly about
• Watch out for excessive male friendships are shoulder- heartbreak, as a way to explain
drinking, sexual exploits, to-shoulder, not heart-to-heart. one thing: you are not alone.

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 27
 Long-distance
touchpoints AUS

When your nearest and dearest aren’t so

near, try these creative ways to stay in touch
TH 60

Remote bake off Solve a murder mystery

Choose a recipe, and set a If you want to put your brain to
time for each household to get the test, completing a murder
baking. Keep up to date with mystery is the perfect way to add
how everyone’s getting on by an investigative element to your
live-streaming, or share results long-distance socialising. Work
afterwards, and let the judging together to find clues and discover
commence. And to top it off, who the murderer is. Red Herring
you’ll have a freshly baked treat Games offer a wide selection of JP 10
to enjoy. Win-win! virtual murder mysteries to work Put pen to paper
through, or search for others There’s something so special
online. So what are you waiting about a hand-written letter, and
for? The game is afoot! more often than not they become
precious treasures that we hang
on to long after the paper starts
to yellow. Even just a short note
to let someone know that you
were thinking about them is a
touching gesture, or a postcard
from somewhere you’ve visited
invites them along on your travels
Create a stirring playlist with you.
Put together a playlist of the
songs that remind you of your Start a book club
friend or loved one, ready A book club is a great way to
to whisk them off on a trip stay in touch. Pick a book to
down memory lane with the read, allow plenty of time for
power of music. Alternatively, everyone to get through it, and
pick a theme like ‘inspiring’, then schedule in some time to
‘soothing’, or ‘feel-good’, so they talk through your thoughts and
can tap into it any time they feelings. You may discover some
need a boost. new all-time favourites!

28 | Issue 59 | happiful.com
 food & health

Keepin’ an
eye on it What is eye yoga, and how can it
help us in these digital times?
Writing | Kat Nicholls

M
y eye health is I want to do all I can to maintain healthy. Some enthusiasts
something I’m what remains of my eye health. claim it can improve vision, but
keenly aware In the last couple of years science doesn’t back this up just
of, perhaps though, I’ve noticed a yet. Instead, it can be seen as a
because nearly 15 years ago I deterioration in my sight, and helpful way to ease eye strain
became blind in one eye. After I’m not alone. According to a and strengthen muscles in the
wearing contact lenses while YouGov poll from the charity eye area.
wakeboarding, I developed an Fight for Sight, one in three With yoga in the name, the
infection. This led to a stint in people have noticed their practice also encourages us
hospital where I heard stories eyesight worsening as a result to take time to be mindful.
of a surfer who lost sight in both of increased screen time during When doing the exercises, try
eyes with the same infection. I the pandemic. to take deep breaths and be
felt lucky and unlucky all at the So, what can we do to support truly present. We so rarely give
same time. our eye health? A wellness ourselves these moments of
My healthy eye is working hard, trend claims to have the pause, but they can help reduce
but as a short-sighted person with answer: eye yoga. And it is stress and overwhelm, helping us
a -7.5 prescription, the fact is I exactly what it sounds like, feel more capable and in control.
would be completely incapacitated eye exercises and stretches Intrigued? Here are some eye
without my glasses. Suffice to say, designed to keep our eyes yoga exercises to try... >>>

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 29
 Palming
This is a lovely way to give tired
eyes a break, try it after a long
day in front of your computer.

• Rub your hands together

vigorously to create a sense of
heat between your palms.
• Place your palms over closed
eyes and take a few deep
breaths. Enjoy the warmth and
darkness and notice how your
eye muscles relax.
• Stay until the heat dissipates.

Blinking
Our eyes can become dry when
tired, so this exercise is ideal to
revitalise and lubricate them.

• Sit up straight and look

directly ahead.
• Blink quickly for five to
10 seconds.
• Allow your eyes to close gently
for a few seconds before
continuing with your day.

30 | Issue 59 | happiful.com
 food & health

Focus shifting If your eyes are feeling tired

This exercise helps to strengthen or you’re feeling unwell, avoid
the muscles in our eyes and is a the strengthening exercises and
fun challenge. instead focus on the ones that
offer a chance to rest.
• Stretch out your left arm Alongside eye yoga, it’s
in front of you and make a important to be aware of general
thumbs-up sign with your left eye health tips promoted by
hand. experts, such as:
• Focus on your thumb and Being able
The 20:20:20 rule
to see is an
slowly move your arm to your
right, as far as you can without For every 20 minutes of screen
moving your head or neck.
• Then, slowly move your thumb
time take a break, focusing
your eyes about 20 feet into the incredible
back the other way, staying
focused on it throughout.
distance for 20 seconds. Visit
ergonomictrends.com/20-20-20-
privilege and
• Repeat a couple of times. rest-eyes-health-tool for a helpful something we
shouldn’t take
• Close your eyes to rest them desktop timer.
for a few seconds before
continuing with your day. Get regular eye tests
Getting your eyes looked at by for granted
professionals regularly (even if you
don’t notice a change in vision),
Eye rolling gives them the chance to spot
Another strengthening exercise, emerging conditions early and
eye-rolling is also a chance to discuss any concerns with you.
practice mindfulness – what do
you notice around you as you roll Protect your eyes
your eyes? This means wearing safety Quit smoking
goggles when necessary, Smoking can increase your
• Sit up straight and slowly look sunglasses when sunny, and don’t chance of getting cataracts
up above you towards the wear your contact lenses in water and damage to the optic nerve.
ceiling, keeping your head still. (trust me on that one!). There are many health benefits
• Roll your eyes over to the right to quitting, so go ahead and add
so you’re looking as far right as Eat to support eye health ‘protecting your sight’ as another
you can. Eating a balanced diet rich in one to the list.
• Roll your eyes down to the vitamins C and E, omega-3 fatty
floor. acids, and zinc can go a long When it comes down to it, being
• Roll your eyes towards the left. way in supporting eye health. able to see is an incredible
• Roll them back up to the Enjoy leafy green veg, oily fish, privilege and something we
ceiling. nuts, and citrus fruits to reap shouldn’t take for granted. By
• Look straight ahead and the benefits. It’s also helpful to taking care of our eyes, we’re
take some deep breaths stay hydrated, as our eyes need protecting our future vision, and
before repeating in the other moisture, so keep up with your I hope you now see this as clearly
direction. water intake. as I do.

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 31
Ask the experts
Clinical psychologist Dr Selina Tour explains
what somatic therapy is, and how it’s used
Read more about Dr Selina Tour on counselling-directory.org.uk

Q
Can you tell us what
Q
What are some of the when you talk about feeling
powerless.
somatic therapy is techniques that may You may focus on an experience
and the premise be used in a somatic such as restlessness to better
behind it? therapy session? understand it, paying attention to
how it impacts your sensations,

A The body is viewed as

an important source of
information – telling us about
A There are different types of
somatic therapies and each
may incorporate the body in
movements, and signals.
You may also experiment with
body-based techniques to notice
ourselves and our difficulties varying ways. Your therapist may what supports you. For example,
– and, as such, in somatic notice how your body responds to you may use your breathing and
therapy, we bring the body what you say through a process of movement to see how it impacts
and all that it tells us into the tracking. For example, they may the somatic experience. This can
therapy process. The premise notice that your hands become help to release trauma, soothe,
behind it is that our experiences restless when you discuss a support, and return us to our
and previous traumas are difficulty, or your body slumping equilibrium.

Q
stored in our bodies – in
their sensations, urges, and
movements.
Sometimes unresolved trauma
and conflict can get stuck in the What can somatic help us understand why our body
body, and somatic therapies therapy help with? responds the way it does, and
aim to treat the somatic find ways to return to a state of
symptoms of our difficulties
through understanding the
body, and what it is conveying
A Somatic therapy can help
to reduce emotional and
physical pain from trauma,
calm when we feel overwhelmed,
stressed, or triggered. Clients
often say they feel lighter, and as
to us, releasing trauma through relationship and attachment if they have been able to release
it, and finding ways to be in a difficulties, anxiety, depression, what they are holding, making
state of wellbeing. and somatic complaints. It can space for other things.

Counselling Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need
 wellbeing

Selina’s top three tips for

getting more in tune with your
mind-body connection
Body posture experiment: Hunch
over your shoulders and slump
in the chair. Notice how you
generally feel in your body, notice
your gaze, notice your energy.
Next, sit up with your spine
upright, but comfortable, with feet
flat on the floor. Notice how you
feel in this position. Experiment
with the two positions and notice
how a simple posture change can
impact your experience.

Music experiment: Play some

upbeat music and notice how
your body responds, notice if there
is an urge to dance and move.
Next, play some sad songs with a
slow tempo, and notice how your
body responds differently and the
emotions experienced.

Tense/release: Notice which part

of your body is holding the most
tension. Tense that area even
more, hold for five to 10 seconds,
then release. Repeat five times.
Notice the difference between the
tense/release states.

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 33
 Unlikely
friendships
Four stories of how chance meetings and unusual
pairings evolved into something to be treasured
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

W
hat is it that brings Sophia and Regina After that, no matter where
two seemingly Sophia met Regina in 2017, they were in the world, Sophia
fundamentally when she was on her way and Regina made an effort to
different people to Germany for a work trip. stay in touch. “On one trip,
together? Fate, circumstances, the They were sitting in the I stayed with her for three
natural human desire to connect same aisle on the plane, both months,” Sophia says. “[Regina]
with one another? It could be travelling solo. When Sophia opened up her house for me as
said that, whatever it is, it’s made complimented Regina’s scarf, I needed some respite. I felt so
harder in an age of bubbles – social, something clicked and they much more confident after that
political, and ideological – where discovered that they had a trip, like a new version of me
we’re surrounded in both our lot in common – both having had been born.
virtual and real worlds by people parents who had lived with the “The sad thing is, she passed
who look and act similarly to effects of Alzheimer’s. away last year. I felt devastated,
ourselves. “We exchanged numbers losing such a good friend. I
But what happens when we reach during the plane trip,” Sophia couldn’t attend her funeral
across the lines to connect with says. “In these situations, due to the Covid restrictions,
people who wouldn’t usually make sometimes people may be but wrote a letter – and when I
it into our inner circles? Here, we polite and take your contact was going through the motions
speak to four people who took details, and you don’t hear of grieving, I made a vow to
fleeting moments of connection, from them. This was not the her that I will be brave like
and turned them into lifelong case for us, as we met up the her, and continue to go on
friendships. next day.” adventures.” >>>

34 | Issue 59 | happiful.com
 connect more

Steps to connect
Sometimes, it can feel as though
opportunities to connect with
others are rare, but technology is
there to give us a helping hand...

Bumble BFF: The well-known

dating app has a mode
dedicated to finding friends.
Create a profile introducing
yourself, and ‘match’ with like-
minded people in your area.

Meetup: Available as an app

and a website, Meetup lists
social groups close to you, where
you can get together to do
activities or simply to stay social.
From book clubs to walking
groups, gaming communities
and more, there’s something for
everyone.

Nextdoor: The Nextdoor app

brings communities together to
share news, find services, and
socialise. Get to know the people
who live near you, and connect
over common interests.

Peanut: Peanut is an app that

helps women who are at the
same stage in life to connect
with each other – from fertility
to pregnancy, motherhood, and
menopause. Find people who
just get it, and unlock the power
of friendship and peer support.
 ‘Alcoholism – The deadly truth
about its stigma’, and I was on a
desperate mission to spread my
message far and wide,” Sarah
explains. “I sent the link to the
talk to Dave, and asked him to
share it with his followers.”
“On the rare occasion that I was
relaxing at home, I got Sarah’s
message,” Dave recalls. “I had the
chance to watch Sarah’s talk, which
had a massive impact on me. I
remember thinking I could have
been in Sarah’s dad’s position, it
could have been me who died from
Sylvia and Alice my alcohol addiction.”
“In January 2002, I had just After her initial message, Dave
moved to Edinburgh and invited invited Sarah on to his podcast
my new neighbours round for You could be my ‘One for the Road’, where she
a cuppa. Alice, the elderly lady
on the top floor couldn’t make
granny but, to me, shared her family’s story in a safe,
supportive space.
it, but saw me a few days later. you are a very dear “I was riddled with guilt, and
I introduced myself: ‘Hello, I’m and inspirational Dave helped to put things into
Sylvia. I’m from Germany, I’ve perspective for me. By sharing
just moved to my beloved Britain, friend his perspective (also my dad’s
so good to meet you.’ She looked perspective), he gave me another
at me and said, “Germany? Well, “Alice is a great role model, she’s chance to understand my dad’s
there are some nice people.’” kind but feisty, very funny, very illness, which reaffirmed that it
Born in 1924, Alice was more independent, and happy with wasn’t my fault.”
than 40 years older than Sylvia. herself and her life – her stories From there, their friendship
But, as they continued to bump definitely tell of a life well-lived. flourished, as they introduced
into each other in the stairwell I said in my speech at her 80th each other to their families and
and on the bus, a very special birthday: ‘Technically, you could went on to give talks in schools –
friendship began to develop. be my granny, or you could be my each sharing their different but
“When she decided to move mum – but to me, you are a very united perspectives.
into sheltered housing, I lost dear and inspirational friend.” “Being friends with Dave has
a neighbour, but not a friend,” given me the opportunity to ask
Sylvia says. “I still visited her, Sarah and Dave questions that I didn’t get the
sometimes I was able to persuade Sarah says: “I first met Dave chance to ask my dad, and has
her to let me get her shopping via his Instagram account helped me find some closure,
for her. When I got a sports car, @soberdave. Since losing my dad which I will be eternally grateful
she joined me for a spin – not to alcohol use disorder in 2017, I for,” Sarah explains. Dave agrees,
easy to get in and out of a low car, have been on a mission to quash sharing that it feels special to have
especially in your 90s!” the stigmas attached to the illness Sarah be a part of his life.
Three years ago, Syliva moved and encourage people to seek “There comes sadness and joy
from Edinburgh to Kent, but she the support they deserve. I had from our friendship – out of a
and Alice still talk weekly. recently done a TEDx talk titled tragic situation our friendship

36 | Issue 59 | happiful.com
 connect more

Sarah and Dave

1 1st

Out of a tragic
situation, our
Estelle and Sally friendship has
blossomed

has blossomed,” Dave says. “I feel “Estelle got my friendship after “I know that I can call Sally at
connected to Sarah’s dad, Steve, she was so good with my mum,” any time night or day (which I
and I feel as though he has picked Sally says. “She really made her have done a few times) and she
me to help Sarah get the message feel special. We met for coffee will be there for me,” Estelle
out there. I could have been in before and afterwards, and she’s says, and Sally agrees.
his position, and I feel a deep been popping around ever since. “I am,” Sally says. “And I know
connection because of that.” She’s been there for me during that even if I rang her at stupid-
“I’m often asked whether I find my pregnancy, mum’s death, and o-clock at night, she would be
our friendship difficult or painful, all the ups and downs of life.” here like a shot.”
given my dad didn’t survive his “We were pregnant at the same
addiction,” Sarah reflects. “But I time,” adds Estelle, “So we had Good friendships can
simply reply with ‘no, not at all’. My a shared experience, which sometimes take us by surprise,
dad battled his addiction valiantly, brought us closer together. I coming out of nowhere, or
but his death also led me to be the was in an unhappy relationship, developing slowly over time, to
person I am today, and I believe I and Sally supported me while I turn into something incredibly
am a better version of myself.” was with him, and afterwards. meaningful. We don’t
When I moved two streets away, necessarily know how valuable
Estelle and Sally I would run down (often in my they are until we take time to
When asked what their first pjs) to spend time together in the really reflect on their meaning,
impressions of each other were, evenings.” nor do we often consider the
Sally says Estelle was “tiny and As the pair see it, the ways that they open up our
friendly”, and Estelle says, “Sally fundamental key to their worlds – we’re too busy actually
had a posh accent.” friendship has been living in them. But what these
The pair met in 2007, when Sally unconditionally accepting each stories tell us is that friendships
was looking for a beauty therapist other for who they really are, and can come to us in unlikely and
to visit her mum who had being there as a pillar of support unusual ways, and yet fulfil the
terminal cancer, and found Sally’s through some of the toughest most natural of human needs:
details in the Yellow Pages. things life can throw at you. to connect.

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 37
 Happiful
reads...
From climate anxiety to a
must-read romantic comedy,
we share four books you
won’t want to miss
Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

I
t’s virtually impossible to Turn the Tide on Climate
scroll through social media Anxiety by Megan
or watch the news without Kennedy-Woodard and
coming across the climate Patrick Kennedy-Williams
emergency. For many, this Out now
can trigger feelings of worry,
sadness, guilt, and even grief. eco-anxiety, this book helps you understand their responses to
Yet, for some, it can also trigger discover how to harness and help move away from unhealthy
a sense of motivation, care, and validate your emotions around defence mechanisms, discover how
connection. climate change, and transform sustainable action can empower
Written by psychologists with them into positive action. you towards change for the better
extensive experience in tackling Helping readers to assess and – for both you, and the planet.

Must reads
Body Work by Welcome to The Vertical
Melissa Febos Your Life by Veg Guide
17 March 2022 Bethany Rutter to Container
Mixing memoir 31 March 2022 Gardening by
and master class, Serena should be Mark Ridsdill
Body Work tackles at her wedding. Smith
the emotional, Instead, she’s 24 March 2022
psychological, and physical work eating an ice cream sundae and Long to grow your own veg but
of writing intimately. How do we drinking an obscenely large glass don’t have the space? The Vertical
capture the relationships that of wine in a Harvester off the Veg Man will show you how. Turn
have formed us? How do we M25. Everyone thinks she’s made walls, balconies, windowsills, and
write about our bodies, desires, a mistake, but Serena wants patios into homes for delicious
and traumas? And who do our to find love that she deserves homegrown food. Learn how you
most intimate stories really – not just love she should feel can make the most of your space,
belong to? Offering a captivating grateful for. So, she sets herself a grow throughout the year, and
guide to writing, readers and challenge: 52 weeks. 52 dates. 52 contribute to the sustainability of
writers alike will feel empowered. chances to find love. your local community.

38 | Issue 59 | happiful.com
 wellbeing

y ths ab ou t
Five m d er
d iso r
skin picking numbers of peop
le sh arin g their experiences of
e
Despite growing ude d in tab o o and shame. It’s tim
, it’s still shro
dermatillomania o n the misu n derstood conditio
n
to shine a lig h t
Brown
Writing | Lauren

I
didn’t realise that my secret things we usually talked about: my my skin, completely zoned out
habit of skin picking had anxieties, my mood. The usual. It and numb, before leaving and
spiralled out of control until felt good, restorative. getting the train home. The hellish
one cold, dark night in November, It was only when there were pull that dingy room exerted over
about three years ago. two or three minutes left on the me was torment.
I’d finished my shift at work clock that I started unexpectedly “I can’t stop picking my skin,”
and had, as I’d been doing every shaking. My heart was pounding, I said. I’d already Googled those
Thursday for several weeks, and, panicked, I blurted out: “I words in the safety of home, but
walked the five minutes it took to can’t leave yet.” now I’d said it aloud it was real.
get from my office to the run- “OK,” she said, her kind voice Since then, I’ve had high-
down community centre where I calming me instantly. “We can intensity cognitive behaviour
met my counsellor. stay a little longer. Is everything therapy and am to this day
Her room was a haven of soft OK?” working on strategies I hope
hues and curved lines, the orange “Well…” will one day help me to stop
light slightly dimmed and the At that moment, what I’d completely. Along the way,
air was warm, inviting. The air pushed down and down for though, I’ve felt ashamed, brought
smelled of play-dough, which sat weeks rose to the surface with low by common misconceptions
on the table like an offering. She frightening clarity. There was of the disorder and how hard it
mainly saw children, but I was one a single toilet cubicle in that really is. There are some myths
of a handful of adults on her roster. building, with a small square I wish I, and others, had known
I sank into the soft chair nestled mirror above the cistern. After were just myths when I embarked
in the corner and when asked how every one of my sessions, I’d on my path to recovery. Here, I’m
I’d been, started talking about the locked myself in there and picked debunking them. >>>

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 39
 1. It’s just a bad habit
The act of picking one’s skin
can, for some people, be
chalked up to bad habits, in
the same way some people bite
their nails. It’s a question of
scale, intensity, and personal
experience.
What makes certain skin
picking behaviours reach
‘disorder’ status, is when they
start to detrimentally impact
the person’s life and become
compulsive.
It’s when these body-focused
repetitive behaviours (BFRBs)
are taken to the extreme, when
they spiral out of control and
start to serve some kind of
emotional purpose (which
can be complicated, entwined
for some in anxiety and the
self-soothing they feel while 2. If you tell anyone, they’ll if it’s something they’ve never
doing it; for others it’s an think you’re disgusting or heard of before, because the
attempt to perfect perceived unhygienic person you’ve likely chosen
imperfections) that they move It took me so long to admit I had a to tell (if they’re not a medical
beyond just habit. Many people problem because I was so scared professional) will probably be a
who pick experience a sort of that whoever I told, whether friend or loved one.
‘high’ or release while doing it a medical professional or not, And if it is a medical
– myself included – such that it would be repulsed by my ‘dirty professional you’ve disclosed
becomes addictive, an urge that secret’ and think I was weird. your problem to, they’ll
feels impossible not to act on. These are things I told myself definitely have seen it before
Related to obsessive every day – and if I thought them and won’t react in the way you’re
compulsive disorder (OCD), for about myself, surely someone worried about. Around one in 20
some people skin picking goes else would, too? people are thought to be affected
way beyond being a habit, and But the truth is, most people by skin picking disorder (SPD),
needs to be treated as such. are open to understanding, even so you’re not alone.

40 | Issue 59 | happiful.com
 wellbeing

5. You’ll never feel

Most people are open to happy in your own skin
Part of the shame spiral I
understanding, even if it’s feel after a particularly nasty
picking session is the hopeless,
something they’ve never seemingly unshakeable,
un-get-round-able idea that
heard of before my skin will never be the
same again: that I’ve caused
irreparable damage I can
3. It’s not that big of a 4. It only happens to never undo.
deal and will go away people with pre-existing Sure, it would be a lie to say
on its own skin conditions that the ensuing scars will fully
This ties in closely with the Some people think the go away. But it would also be
‘It’s just a habit’ myth but, for disorder is related to other skin a lie to say that even a person
me, it goes deeper because conditions such as eczema, but without dermatillomania’s
for a long time I put off asking that’s not necessarily the case. skin will be the same day-to-
for help because I didn’t think Of course, people with day, week-to-week, month-to-
SPD was a legitimate mental skin conditions may develop month anyway.
health complaint, and that it dermatillomania, just as The best thing my counsellor,
would just go away on its own. people without it might, and the one I was telling you about,
I’d constantly brush it under it’s true that triggers for some ever said to me was this, and
Book cover | goodreads.com

the carpet, telling myself to can include rough patches I repeat it to myself often
pull it together because it of skin or blemishes, so this when I’m feeling that familiar
wasn’t that big of a deal, and can certainly play a part. But shame: “Let yourself off the
that I could stop whenever I lots of sufferers in the grip of hook.”
wanted. SPD find themselves picking
Alas, as with all mental areas which, to anyone else,
health issues, it thrived in the would look like smooth, even,
shadows and spawned bigger bumpless skin.
and bigger until I just couldn’t The reality is that all skin
lie to myself anymore. has texture – it’s an organ
Dermatillomania is a characterised by pores and is
legitimate reason to seek out always changing – and those
the medical help and support seeking out somewhere to ‘Hands’, Lauren Brown’s memoir about
you deserve, try not to waste pick won’t ever be short of anxiety and skin picking, has been
time talking yourself out of it! surfaces. published by Harper North and is now
available from all good bookstores.

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 41
 How to support
a loved one with
health anxiety
Practical tips for being there for someone in their time of need
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

W
hen a loved one “At times, their fears might seem that we need to have all the
is struggling with irrational or illogical, and this answers. This is particularly
their mental might make you feel frustrated, difficult when considering health
health, many of stressed, or worried.” anxiety, as you might feel as
us will want to do as much as we So, how can you navigate though you need to have a good
can to support them – and doing conversations, and offer your understanding of the problems
so is vitally important. But when loved one the best support you your loved one is worried about.
it comes to supporting someone can? Here, with help from Dr But this isn’t the case – so often,
with health anxiety, there are a Gwinnett, we explore five tips. just listening is the best thing you
plethora of things to consider. can do.
“It can be very difficult 1. LISTEN AND TALK “Allowing them to share
to support somebody with One of the first hurdles we can their fears while you provide
health anxiety,” says Dr Sophie come up against when trying to a listening, supportive ear
Gwinnett, a clinical psychologist. be there for someone is thinking can help,” says Dr Gwinnett.

42 | Issue 59 | happiful.com
 food & health

What is health anxiety?

“Don’t force them to talk, but be silly, try to cheer up’),” says Dr Health anxiety is when you
available should they approach Gwinnett. “Accept that your loved excessively worry that you're ill,
you for support.” one is genuinely battling with or about getting ill, to the point
fears that feel very real to them where it intrudes into the rest of
2. SET BOUNDARIES (try, ‘I can see how overwhelmed your life. According to the NHS,
“While listening is helpful, you’re feeling; this is really hard signs include:
conversations about health for you’).”
anxiety can sometimes become • Constantly worrying about
intrusive and repetitive,” Dr your health.
Gwinnett says. “In this case, lots NO MATTER HOW ABSURD • Frequently checking your
of talking and reassurance may OR IRRATIONAL THE BELIEFS body for signs of illness, such
be counterproductive. SEEM TO YOU, DON’T as lumps, tingling, or pain.
“If your loved one is asking you DISMISS THEIR FEARS • Always asking people for
to check symptoms frequently, reassurance that you're not ill.
or conversations about health 4. SUPPORT THEM TO • Worrying that a doctor or
anxiety are dominating most CONTINUE ENGAGING medical tests may have
of your time together, suggest WITH WHAT MATTERS missed something.
having a specific time of day “Avoidance and anxiety often • Obsessively looking at health
which is dedicated to discussing go hand in hand,” Dr Gwinnett information on the internet,
their fears.” explains. “Support your loved one or in the media.
Setting boundaries can be a to stay connected with friends and • Avoiding anything to do
tough thing to do, especially if family and to engage in activities with serious illness, such as
you know that you still want to be that are meaningful to them.” medical TV programmes.
there for them in some capacity. It’s easy to let anxiety spiral • Acting as if you were ill.
Take some time to think about out of control, consuming every
what you reasonably can and waking thought. And so taking of someone else, which is why
can’t support them with, and steps to help your loved one is looking after your own wellbeing
understand that it’s OK to take a really great practical way to is a vital part of supporting a
these actions. support them. What activities do loved one with health anxiety. So,
they find joy in? Could you take remember: set boundaries, listen
3. BE ACCEPTING OF THEIR part in them together? to your needs, and reach out to
THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS someone you trust if you need
Can you think back to a time 5. SEEK SUPPORT more support.
where you were experiencing FOR YOURSELF
anxiety? How real did those “It can be difficult to support
worried feelings seem to you? someone who is experiencing
Probably very real. Health health anxiety and their fear and
anxiety is just the same, and so worry can impact your mood,
the last thing you should do is try too,” adds Dr Gwinnett. “Do seek
to downplay what they’re going support for yourself from trusted
through. friends or a GP.”
Dr Sophie Gwinnett is a clinical
“No matter how absurd or Ultimately, if you’re not taking
psychologist with a special interest in
irrational the beliefs seem to you, care of yourself, you won’t be health-related issues. Find out more by
don’t dismiss their fears (‘That’s in the best position to take care visiting counselling-directory.org.uk

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 43
 To the world you may be
just one person, but to one
person you may be the world
DR SEUSS

Photography | Eduardo Dutra

44 | Issue 59 | happiful.com
 true story

Learning to fight for what I need

Life-threatening allergies filled Ruth with anxiety as she tried to
navigate the world around her. It wasn’t until later in life that she
finally understood how her health affected the relationship she
had with herself, and that’s when everything changed
Writing | Ruth Holroyd

I
t was Christmas 2018, and I was enjoying a I’ve had allergies all my life, starting with hay
meal out with work colleagues when my most fever and reactions to dogs, cats, and dust as a
severe anaphylactic reaction happened. small child. But it took my mum a while to work
I took a forkful of my ‘special dairy-free’ out that I was also allergic to nuts. I’d never liked
salmon starter, that the chef had prepared for them and avoided them, but kept eating them by
me, and my mouth started to tingle and I felt mistake in chocolates, cakes, and biscuits. There
that itching, swelling feeling I dreaded so much were no labelling laws back then, especially for
begin to spread to my throat. I knew instantly ‘may contain’ ingredients, so it was a bit like
that the dairy-free meal I’d been promised had playing Russian roulette!
more dairy in it than a dairy farm. Minutes later, I wasn’t officially diagnosed until my first
hives began to spread up my arms and over my life-threatening anaphylactic reaction at age
body and staff were dialling 999. In less than 10 19, after eating an Indian meal that contained
minutes, my whole body was shaking and going peanuts. After one mouthful I began projectile
into shock. I was unconscious, in an ambulance, vomiting, and it was much worse than previous
on my way to intensive care. reactions. In the morning I felt terrible. My eyes
My life-threatening anaphylactic reaction could were swollen shut and my nose and throat were
have been avoided if the pub in Hertfordshire, almost closed too. It really was like something
which had a 5-star food hygiene rating, had had out of a horror movie.
an effective communication processes in place, Fast forward through more than 20 allergic
and the staff had been trained. But the staff were reactions to all nuts and now to dairy, and we get
oblivious to what a serious allergy meant and the point that things began to unravel. I knew
how to deal with one. In the end, the authorities anaphylaxis was serious and took responsibility
fined the pub £23,000 after they pleaded guilty for keeping myself safe. I always checked and
to offences under the Food Safety Act 1990 and carried my adrenaline but still had reactions
Food Safety and Hygiene Regulations 2013. after eating out, takeaway meals, cross-
Every time I walk into a restaurant, I am contamination at BBQs, dinner parties, cakes
trusting them with my life. I am severely friends had made me. I made mistakes myself
allergic to all nuts and dairy, and I live with a when I just hadn’t checked an ingredients label
very real fear that any day could bring a fatal properly. But I’d always stayed conscious, able to
anaphylactic reaction. administer adrenaline and speak to paramedics. >>>

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 45
 What I came to understand
through counselling, was that I
Then something in my body changed. had zero compassion for myself
Three years ago, at a work conference in Palm
Springs, California, we had breakfast at a cafe Except I couldn’t cope. I would find myself
where they didn’t understand how serious my crying in the toilets at work when invited out for
dairy allergy was. They served me a muffin lunch, unable to explain why I was so terrified.
that contained milk as an ingredient, despite Each time I broke down, it became harder and
assuring me it was OK. I ended up in A&E and fell harder to talk about things. I refused to open up
unconscious before the ambulance arrived. Four and when anyone did ask me whether I was OK,
hours in the hospital and I recovered, but that really I would be unable to discuss how I felt without
scared me. I remember hearing through the haze crying. Instead of seeing this as a warning, I just
of confusion one doctor telling a nurse: “She’s not clammed up even more.
going to die on my watch!” That really hit home. I thought that by being positive and putting
I’ve always been a positive person with loads of on a brave face I’d be OK. That by writing my
empathy for others. But after these two serious whatallergy.com blog about eczema, allergies,
reactions, waking up and having no idea what had and asthma – and helping others understand
happened to me, I began to really struggle with and get support for their allergies, that I was
anxiety and panic attacks. being positive and proactive. What I came to
It’s strange looking back, but I just didn’t realise understand through counselling, was that I had
what I was experiencing until I found myself zero compassion for myself. I remember vividly
stranded in London unable to figure out how to when my therapist asked me to say out loud that
walk, let alone use public transport to get to my I loved myself. I told her I couldn’t, that I’d feel
brother’s house. This made me realise I had been stupid. And she said, “But why can’t you say I
having worsening anxiety for some time. I hadn’t love you to yourself? Just try saying it”. I wept
wanted to accept that these were panic attacks. I and wept. It was uncontrollable. I suddenly
was strong. I could cope. realised that I didn’t love myself and that hurt.

46 | Issue 59 | happiful.com
 true story

to audiobooks, reading, and writing. Guided

meditations, and poetry writing or journaling.
Relaxing in an evening bath, listening to music
or a podcast. Indulging myself with yin and
restorative yoga. Cooking lovely free-from
Every time I walk into a meals from scratch while dancing in the

restaurant, I am trusting kitchen. I now make time for these things like
these every day.
them with my life I wouldn’t be in the position I am today without
therapy. So, when I was asked to share my
I had been internally berating myself for years. journey in a book I said yes. The writing was like
Telling myself the anaphylactic reactions were my another therapy session and it taught me even
fault. That I should stay at home. I was a freak. more about how far I’d come, what I’d learnt and
I had all these ridiculous allergies. I was alone, how grateful I am to those people who saw me
single, and no one would ever love me. struggling and pushed me to get help.
It took a long time and lots of practise to have the
same love for myself that I had for everyone else. ‘The Reluctant Allergy Expert: How to kill the fear
So, I discovered self-love in running, (it’s my that anaphylaxis could kill you’ by Ruth Holroyd
saviour), and in early morning walks. Listening (£10.50), available on Amazon.

OUR EXPERT SAYS

Dealing with allergies can bring a sense of subconscious to protect ourselves from threat,
being out of control – especially when the but the trigger is over-heightened.
impact is as significant as it is for Ruth. It isn’t Ruth’s approach of positive
surprising then that when the panic attacks habits, and seeking help is a
began, it made her question her own strength. wonderful way to move forward.
The truth is, Ruth has been incredibly Rachel Coffey | BA MA NLP Mstr
strong. Panic attacks are an attempt by our Life coach

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 47
 Sustainable habits
to get into in 2022
10
Up your eco-game this year, with these
10 essential tips to support the planet
Writing | Rebecca Thair

W
hen it comes Buy waste-based. Many brands
to being are turning trash into treasure
environmentally- these days, such as Rens trainers
friendly, small which are made from recycled
changes really do have a big coffee grounds and plastic
impact in the long run. Making bottles, and Naturally Fresh’s cat
adjustments to some of your litter, created from discarded
daily habits, and a few conscious walnut shells. Choosing these
decisions, can set you up as a types of products means you
much better supporter of Mother can support eco-innovation
Earth, so why not make this the and reduce waste, encouraging
year to fully commit to your eco more brands to consider their
ambitions? Let’s begin. impact.

Grow your own. While this is a

Do your research. Investing time in looking into the places longer-term investment, getting
you shop, and the companies you support, could be really green fingered can save you money,
enlightening. You can find out whether your bank is investing in reduce waste, and means you get the
clean energy, or fossil fuels, or how ethical your go-to makeup freshest produce. Plus, tending to
brand is. With so much choice out there, whether we’re the your own mini-allotment, and getting
consumer on the street, or the big brand at the top, we all have your hands dirty, can really benefit
a responsibility to do our part to protect the planet – make sure your mental health, with horticulture
you put your customer voice behind those that do. found to reduce depression, anxiety,
and symptoms of stress.

48 | Issue 59 | happiful.com
 try this at home

Choose energy saving bulbs. This

is a simple switch in your home
that saves significant energy
(70–80%), and in turn money,
but also makes life easier. These
more environmentally-friendly
bulbs typically last between 10
and 25 times as long as traditional
filament bulbs, meaning the
chances of you being left in the
dark are much slimmer. The
benefits really are illuminating.

Air dry your clothes. Using a good, old-fashioned washing line to

air things out rather than a tumble dryer can, again, save a lot of
energy and money – in fact it’s reported that swapping to a clothes
line for a year could reduce your carbon footprint by 2,400 pounds.
Plus, hanging your clothes typically protects them a little more so
they last longer, and when spring is in the air, who wouldn’t want
that fresh air infused into your clothing?

Ditch fast fashion. Focus on Getting your hands Shop small. Supporting
quality staples over quantity, small businesses benefits the
with a capsule wardrobe that dirty can really benefit community, and often means
can save you a lot of time, space, your mental health you’ll have a more personal and
and reduce waste. You could also beneficial customer experience –
consider second-hand shopping Invest in a food waste caddy. you’ll have the positive feeling of
when a new outfit is needed, Separating your food waste and knowing you’re helping someone
either through finding hidden scraps frees up space in your achieve their dreams, too. Plus, if
gems in charity shops, or apps general waste bin, can prevent you can shop local, you’ll reduce
such as Vinted and Depop. that main bin in your house carbon emissions to help the
from smelling after a day or two, environment as well.
Walk it out. Remember how and can be used for composting
much you valued time outside – benefiting your garden, too. Buy less. The overall consensus,
during lockdown? Keep that love You can put both cooked and and it’s a simple one, is that
alive by considering each journey, uncooked items in your caddy, buying only what you need is the
and whether travelling on foot or including meat, cheese, pasta, way to go. You can reduce waste,
by public transport could work even eggshells and coffee and bolster your bank account at
instead. Whatever way you look at grounds. Be sure not to include the same time – shopping smart is
it, it’s a step in the right direction. any plastics or packaging though! the future.

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 49
 Share the love
Enjoy all colours of the rainbow, and follow our guide to
creating the ultimate sweet and savoury grazing boards
Writing | Alex Allan

G
razing boards, or want the WOW factor – they by placing larger items (such
sharing platters, are definitely look better than a as bowls of dip or cheeses) in
an excellent way to bowl of crisps! Plus, it’s a perfect the corners and the centre to
prepare food when opportunity to eat seasonally, create an outline, and then fill
entertaining. They’re easy to as these foods will be the most in the spaces with the smaller
put together and can look very delicious and nutritious. items. Go for a range of colours,
impressive, so are a great idea if There’s no particular science to textures, and sizes to create
you’re pushed for time but still putting them together, but start interest, and let creativity flow!

Savoury grazing platter

Centrepieces: Colour: Crunch: Depth: Interest:

Sun-dried tomatoes Gluten-free
Hummus
Organic cheese or artichokes crackers
wheel – cheddar,
brie, stilton Handfuls of rocket
Olives and capers Oatcakes Beetroot hummus
or watercress

Organic goat
Cherry tomatoes Walnuts Olives
cheese

Dates or dried
Smoked tofu Pecans Capers
apricots

Sliced apple or Fragrant sprigs of

Nitrate-free Smoked almonds Guacamole
pear rosemary or sage
charcuterie,
eg. naturally
cured salami Grapes or figs Carrot batons Baba ganoush

Pomegranate
Celery sticks Tzatziki
seeds or cherries
Tempeh bites
Roasted butternut Gluten-free
Falafel Edible flowers
squash pieces breadsticks

Cornichons or
Vegan feta Green beans Cucumber slices
pickled onions

50 | Issue 59 | happiful.com
Sweet grazing platter

Centrepieces: Colour: Crunch: Depth: Interest:

Strawberries Blueberries,
Fruit and seed
dipped in dark blackberries, Dark chocolate dip Edible flowers
oatcakes
chocolate raspberries
Sweet herbs such
Home-made
Watermelon slices Walnuts or pecans Honey as tarragon or
flapjacks
basil
Mango and
Bowls of organic Almonds or
pineapple pieces
or vegan yoghurt hazelnuts Halved Flaked almonds
on cocktail sticks
sprinkled with passion fruit and dried coconut
cinnamon Clementines or Dark chocolate
satsumas bark

The healthy bit

Grazing boards look beautiful,

and you don’t have to resort
to crisps and dips, or other
processed snacks. Plus, the
variety of plant foods that you
can include on your boards –
fruits, vegetables, nuts and seeds,
legumes, herbs, and spices – all
add up to your five-a-day!
Plants contain different
Method: Make sure to pick a few pigments, or phytonutrients,
• Depending on the needs of your ingredients from each column which give them their
guests, choose a mixture of so you have crunch and depth. distinctive colours, and
meats and cheese, or go entirely • If you are using larger fruits, different phytonutrients have
vegetarian or vegan. If guests like figs, pears, or apples, tear distinctive health benefits.
have dietary requirements, such or chop them into different For example, research shows
as dairy-free, it’s easy to adapt. shapes, so that it looks that anthocyanins, the
• Opt for the best ingredients appealing on the platter and is phytonutrients in berries and
that you can get, for example, easy to pick up. grapes which gives them their
nitrate-free charcuterie; • Dot around decorative small red, purple, and blue colours,
organic, free-range cheeses; and bowls to hold dips or items may have anti-inflammatory and
sugar-free, additive-free dips. like olives and capers. anti-microbial effects!
• Try to assemble the board not • With any jarred ingredients,
long before serving, so the such as sun-dried tomatoes
softer elements don’t bruise or or artichokes, don’t forget to Alex Allan is a registered
go dry. nutritional therapist and
drain them before putting
member of the Guild of
• Don’t forget crackers, oatcakes, them in bowls. You can then Health Writers, specialising
or celery for people to use with drizzle with olive or chilli oil, in gut and hormone health.
the dips and cheeses. and sprinkle with seeds or Find more on her profile at
• Use a good variety of textures. herbs to add interest. nutritionist-resource.org.uk

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 51
 Stovetop simmer pots
to s o o t h e the senses
Scent your home, the natural way
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler Artwork | Charlotte Reynell

O
ur sense of smell is a But candles aren’t the only option easier to make: simply fill a pan
powerful tool, and the when it comes to scenting a home, with water, add your ingredients,
right scent at the right and with concerns about the effect and simmer gently throughout
time has the ability to burning paraffin wax can have on the day – just make sure to keep
support relaxation, lift our energy both human and animal health, the water topped up, and add
levels, and create a general sense you may be on the hunt for an or subtract ingredient qualities
of wellbeing and happiness. equally aromatic alternative. depending on your desired
Scented candles are a hugely Simmer pots (sometimes called intensity.
popular choice for many, and, stovetop potpourri) have been Cheap, cheerful, and an
according to research from the answer for many generations, opportunity to get creative
point-of-sale software company and simply involve gently with different combinations
Vend, us Brits collectively spend a simmering a pot of water and of ingredients, here, we’re
staggering £1.9 billion on candles natural ingredients on the hob, sharing six simmer pot recipes
each year, working out at about to release beautiful aromas into to fill your home with incredible
£44.40 each – quite the investment. your home. And they couldn’t be aromatic auras.

Stimulating citrus Homey coffee Fresh floral

There’s something about the Coffee is one of those scents Floral scents are a go-to
sharp smell of citrus fruits that that instantly warms the soul when it comes to introducing
cuts through dull air, leaving and fills us with a sense of perfume into our homes –
us feeling energised and comfort – just think about the and for good reason, they’re
invigorated. Orange and lemon feeling of walking into a warm undeniably delightful. This
scents have a fresh, clean smell coffee shop on a breezy day. pot centres on the classic
about them, making this the This simmer pot takes the scent of lavender, with the
perfect pot to pop on the hob blankety smell of coffee, and added boost of some warm,
after you’ve finished tidying your mixes it with warm spices, to homey smells.
home. create the ultimate homey, cosy
concoction. You will need:
You will need: • A couple of sprigs of
• A sliced orange You will need: lavender, fresh or dried
• A sliced lemon • A handful of coffee beans • One lemon, sliced
• A handful of fresh ginger, • A couple of cinnamon sticks • A handful of vanilla beans, or
sliced into pieces • A spoonful of allspice a teaspoon of vanilla extract

52 | Issue 59 | happiful.com
 positive pointers

Meditative mint
Looking to clear your mind with
an invigorating, bright smelling
simmer pot? This mix takes the
best qualities from these head-
clearing ingredients and brings
them together to create a deeply
uplifting scent.

You will need:

• A handful of fresh mint leaves
• One lime, sliced
• A couple of eucalyptus sprigs

The great outdoors

Bring the scents of foraging
down a deep forest path into your
home, with this earthy mix. We
all can attest to the benefits of
getting out and spending time
in the great outdoors, and this
pot will help you revisit those
evocative pathways.

You will need:

• A couple of fir tree sprigs
• A few bay leaves
• A handful of sage leaves
Spice up your life • One orange, sliced
Who says cinnamon scents
are just for Christmas? Not us. One of the best things about
This pot is a sensation-soothing simmer pots is how much control
mix of deep, warm spices, and you have over the scents you
the perfect thing for creating a create. So mix things up, adjust
calm, welcoming environment – each pot to your exact liking,
something we can enjoy all year experiment with different
round! ingredients, tap into scent-
provoked memories – and, once
You will need: you’ve perfected your recipes –
Experiment with • A couple of cinnamon sticks pop the ingredients into jars to
different ingredients • Vanilla beans, or a teaspoon of pass on to loved ones. Stew on
vanilla extract the limitless options, and ignite
and tap into scent- • A handful of cloves your senses with the power of
provoked memories • A handful of ​​cardamom pods natural potpourri.

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 53
 Find your people
Five online mental health support communities who get it

Friendship and pen

friend scheme
Isolation and feelings of loneliness
are common experiences among
those living with depression.
This scheme, from the charity
Depression UK, seeks to The Grief Kitchen
encourage new friendships in the In the form of a Facebook group and Instagram
form of a pen friend scheme, as page, The Grief Kitchen is a space to share special
well as a private Facebook group. memories in a grief-positive community. Share
recipes that remind you of a loved one, and
Find out more: depressionuk.org connect with others along the way.

Search for ‘The Grief Kitchen’ on

Facebook and Instagram
Side by Side
The Tribe Created by mental health charity
The Tribe is a collection of online support Mind, Side by Side is an online
spaces, offering different groups focusing community forum grounded in
on a range of topics including ADHD, the power of peer support. The
divorce, LGBTQ+, anxiety, OCD, and space is designed to help people
even sleep problems. Join peer-to-peer make connections, learn from
groups, chat rooms, and forums. each other, and take steps to
support their mental health.
Visit support.therapytribe.com
Find out more: mind.org.uk
PANDAS support pages
New parenthood can be a challenging time, and postnatal
depression (PND) charity PANDAS is devoted to supporting
Please note, these groups all parents at this time. They offer a closed Facebook group
do not offer crisis support. of more than 2,000 members, where you can share and
If you are in need of connect – as well as a dedicated PANDAS dads group.
immediate help, call 999
or visit A&E. Head to pandasfoundation.org.uk to find links to the groups

54 | Issue 59 | happiful.com
Should I disclose a
history of sexual abuse?
Talking to friends, family, or your boss about personal
trauma is incredibly difficult, frightening, and even risky –
but it can be an important part of the healing process

Writing | Jeremy Sachs

O
ne of the biggest works for one situation might not situation. Sadly, this isn’t possible.
struggles when living for another. Talking to police will Instead, I have created a list of
with the aftermath feel different when compared to questions to ask yourself. These
of sexual abuse is speaking to a parent. Disclosing will help you to decide how and if
disclosing the abuse to someone. to a parent will feel different you should disclose.
It requires a survivor to not compared to talking to a new
only face their trauma, vocalise sexual partner.    WHO
their experience, and risk Sometimes, as survivors feel Who do you want to tell? Are
re-traumatisation, but to also more empowered and in control they likely to tell someone else (a
manage the consequences of the of their lives, they can over- partner, for example)? Are you OK
disclosure. These consequences disclose, meaning they can regret with this? Can they be trusted with
can be vast. They can range from telling some people, resulting in your story? Will you be glad you
not being believed, managing shameful feelings. Others can told them one month from now?
the other person’s emotional desperately want to tell someone, In addition, work out who
reactions, or being ostracised but the thought of doing it can you don’t want to know about
from family or friends. feel paralysing. this information. This can
Disclosures can also be wildly I wish I could provide a step- be particularly important if
different from one another. What by-step guide to disclosing in any disclosing to a family member, >>>

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 55
 I believe in the
power of knowing
at least one
other person out
there has heard,
believes, and
acknowledges
your story
or a member of a social group.
People naturally want to share big
information they have been told.
Make clear what your boundaries
are around your story.

WHAT
You do not have to disclose
everything. This sounds simple,
but once we start talking, it
may be difficult to safely censor
ourselves. Sometimes, just telling
a loved one that sexual abuse
happened is enough. Decide what
details you want to share, and
what may be safer to keep private
at that moment.

HOW
Get practical. Plan it out in
detail. Will you do it in your own
home, on a walk, or in a cafe?
Think about the environment
you need during the disclosure
and afterwards – the time
of day may be important as
well. Allow time afterwards to
process the experience, and do
something completely different to
decompress.
Even if your disclosure ends up
completely different from how

56 | Issue 59 | happiful.com
 wellbeing

you planned it, having a plan in be the police, but for some, the racism, poverty, or additional
place can still help to manage the police may not be safe either. traumatic experiences.  
nervousness. Communities who experience To disclose a sexual trauma
institutional prejudice or racism can be an attempt to heal that
WHEN from the police often do not disconnection. By telling another
When is it best to tell someone? feel safe calling 999, as it can person about our trauma, we
A busy public holiday or exacerbate an already dangerous ask them to accept, believe,
celebration, with lots of friends situation. and respect us in a way we may
and family around, may be a Speaking to an Independent not have experienced before.
terrible idea for some, but it may Sexual Violence Advisor (ISVA) Building connections to people
feel really supportive for others. or an anonymous helpline can be who make us feel safe, and can
Everyone will be different, and a safe first step to getting more witness our trauma without
require different environments, long-term support. further compounding it, can be
so consider what would work best Ensuring your mental health is incredibly reparative.
for you. safe is important too. After the As a therapist who works a lot
disclosure, have a safety plan, with trauma and complex PTSD,
WHY including experiences or objects I believe in the power of knowing
Consider why you are choosing you know make you feel safe. at least one other person out
to tell your story now, what will there has heard, believes, and
you gain, and what happens acknowledges your story.
if you don’t get what you want The charity I work with,
from the disclosure? We cannot SurvivorsUK, has a UK national
control other people’s reactions,
nor are we responsible for them.
Decide what database that includes qualified
counsellors, psychotherapists,
You may end up disappointed details you want arts therapists, and psychologists
that this moment doesn’t feel
liberating, or the person we
to share, and what who have undergone specific
training with SurvivorsUK and
confide in may not respond in may be safer to other organisations offering
the way you want. By all means, keep private at support. For more information,
visit survivorsuk.org
hope for a positive experience,
but consider what you need if it that moment
goes negatively.

SAFETY AND FINALLY…

If your life is still connected Sexual abuse at any age, and for
to the abuser, such as within any gender, can break a person’s
a family or work/school connection to the world. It
environment, telling someone ruptures one’s sense of self, and
in that environment could be a all that we are attached to. After
risk. Making sure your physical a sexual trauma, survivors can
safety is not compromised by encounter other experiences Jeremy Sachs is an integrative
disclosing is critical. that further break that psychotherapist who specialises
in working with trauma recovery,
If you feel like you are still at connection. This could be other long-term conditions, adolescents,
risk, finding a professional to abusive relationships, societal and young people. Find out more by
speak to is essential. This could prejudice, or institutional visiting counselling-directory.org.uk

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 57
 Happiful recommends
From marking the start of spring to turning back the exercise
clock, we share 10 things to enjoy this season

3
ACT OF KINDNESS

1
Ask a senior citizen about their story
We all have a story to tell, and the older generations in our
families and social groups are bound to have some great tales.
But how often do we take the time to sit down and really listen? So why
not go on a trip down memory lane
together? Be curious, you never know
PAGE-TURNERS what treasures you may discover!
Every Family Has a Story

4
by Julia Samuel
In this touching book, LEND US
psychotherapist Julia
YOUR EARS
Samuel dives into eight ‘Body Stuff with
case studies as she Dr Jen Gunter’
explores common family Do I need to drink
issues, from separation to eight glasses of water a day? Is
blended families, trauma, it really possible to boost your
and loss – revealing how immune system? Should I do a
deeply we’re influenced detox? We’re constantly bombarded
by these poignant with conflicting health messages,
relationships, and how and in this podcast Dr Jen Gunter
we can manage them is here to set the record straight.
throughout a lifetime. Tune-in each week as Dr Gunter
(Out 17 March, Penguin and guests tackle a new issue. (Find

5
Life, £14.99) it wherever you listen to podcasts)
PLUGGED-IN

2
Mark Bryan
OUT AND ABOUT It’s about time we
Start a photo challenge all felt comfortable
Spring equinox is 20 March, wearing whatever we like, right?
marking the official start of On his Instagram, Mark Bryan
the season. As you spot the natural world shares outfits of the day, mixed
beginning to come back to life around with high fashion shoots, as he
you, snap a photo of it. Then, return to struts through the world as a
the same spot a take further photos at straight man with a passion for
intervals throughout the year, leaving you high heels and skirts. Follow
with a seasonal timeline of 2022. @markbryan911

58 | Issue 59 | happiful.com
 culture

6
9
TECH TIP-OFFS THE CONVERSATION
OLIO Self-injury awareness day
A firm favourite here at Happiful, the OLIO app Falling on 1 March each year,
helps communities to connect in order to share food, with self-injury awareness day (SIAD)
the aim of helping us to cut waste and support one another. seeks to recognise the impact
Now, the app has launched the new BORROW function – of self-harm, as well as dispel
which allows app users to list commonly used household myths and stigma, with the aim of increasing
items that are available for their neighbours to borrow. empathy and understanding of those whose lives
(Available on Google Play and the App Store) it touches. Join the conversation by using #SIAD

7 10
SQUARE EYES GET GOING
Downton Abbey: Retro aerobic workouts
A New Era Put the fun back into
For fans of the exercise, with retro
family saga, the aerobic workouts. Say goodbye to
new Downton Abbey film sees gruelling, repetitive exercise routines, and
the Crawleys heading off to hello to pulling up your leg-warmers and
France. Expect twists, turns, and moving along to uplifting soundtracks
surprises, and allow yourself to that will leave you feeling empowered
be swept away by the drama of and strong. The internet is brimming with
this perfect capsule of escapism. both re-uploads and remakes of
(In cinemas 29 April) heart-pumping routines.

8 TREAT YOURSELF
Moksa Wild Rose Facial Elixir
Full of powerful and nutrient-dense oils, including jojoba, baobab, sea buckthorn, and rosehip, the
Moksa Wild Rose Facial Elixir is a treat for all skin types. Soothe, hydrate, and nourish your skin throughout
the year, and experience the collagen-boosting rosehip and omega oil-packed sea buckthorn – an
absolute must-have for your daily routine. (RRP: £26, bloom-lifestyle.co.uk)

Win a Moksa Wild Rose Facial Elixir WIN!

For your chance to win a Moksa Wild Rose Facial Elixir, simply email your answer to the
following question to [email protected]
Finish the quote: A rose by any other name would smell...
a) as floral b) as sweet c) as fresh
*Competition closes 17 March 2022. UK mainland and Northern Ireland only. Good luck!

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 59
 Five secrets for
happy friendships
Could tapping into this effective coaching technique help
strengthen the bond you have with your loved ones?
Writing | Rebecca Lockwood Illustrating | Rosan Magar

Y
ears ago, I would blame It’s a natural instinct to connect, actually have that I hadn’t noticed
the world for the fact and as we have evolved through before – and it impacted the way
that I didn’t have people generations we naturally I show up for the people I deeply
around when I needed want to be amongst others. care about.
them. I always thought everything Neuro-linguistic programming Here are a few ways NLP helped
was everyone else’s fault, and I (NLP) is the art and science of me to change the way I think,
didn’t value my friendships. But understanding how your mind and tips that will help you to be a
I misunderstood what it really works, why it works that way, better friend, and support others
meant to be a friend, and I was a and how you communicate with when they need you the most.
rubbish friend. yourself and your outside world.
NLP helps you to understand 1. Respect for the other
how you view your world, person’s model of the world
your relationships, and how to This comes from the
communicate better. And when I presuppositions of NLP and
learnt NLP, it helped me to notice the mindsets of NLP – it’s the
all the friendships I did assumptions and beliefs that we
have.Our model of the world is as
unique as we are; everyone sees
the world differently. Respecting
that is really important.

60 | Issue XX | happiful.com
It’s possible that you are
projecting the way you feel about
yourself on to your relationships

2. Take personal not happy, because ‘they’re doing order and sequence of behaviours.
responsibility this and that’. Now, the chances So, we want to understand what
The saying ‘happiness is an inside are, they have no idea what you’re our friends’ love strategies are so
job’ really comes into play here. thinking if you don’t communicate we can ensure we meet them if
We have to remember that if our with them effectively. When we they ever need some extra support.
friends do not respond to us, or understand that happiness is an If you’re a visual person, you
call us back, it usually is nothing inside job, and take the initiative to have to see that you feel loved.
personal, it’s just that they are communicate where we’re at with For example, buying you flowers,
busy, didn’t see it, or meant to our loved ones, we can have a much giving you a gift, seeing messages
return the call/message but just better quality of relationship. from friends. If you are auditory
haven’t gotten around to it yet. By this means you want to hear the
using the NLP mindset, you can 4. Ensure that you words of encouragement. If you
take responsibility to be the one are not projecting are kinesthetic this means that you
to follow up messages, call them In NLP, this is when you think prefer hugs and affection. When
back, and follow up with the something about yourself (which you know this about your friends,
people you haven’t spoken to in you may not really be aware of) you can really support them the
some time. and so you act in certain ways, or way they need you to.
notice things in your life that make When we take stock of everything,
3. Communicate effectively you feel a certain way. Often it is it all boils down to communication,
If you’re in a relationship, whether in a negative light, because you really. Communicating with your
it’s a friendship or a romantic may have some limiting beliefs loved ones and yourself in the
relationship, you may not be you are telling yourself about who deepest way possible ensures that
happy, and you may put blame on you are. It’s also possible that you you are supporting both yourself
them. So they’re the reason you’re are projecting the way you think and your friends in feeling heard
and feel about yourself on to your and respected.
relationships. Be aware of this and
you may be able to nip it in the bud. Rebecca lockwood is a
neuro-linguistic programming,
5. Understand someone’s hypnosis, Time Line Therapy®,
love strategy positive psychology, and
We all have different strategies breakthrough coach trainer.
that we run in terms of the way
that we feel loved, and how we To learn more about NLP and to
feel wanted and heard. work with a professional, visit
Everything we do is in an lifecoach-directory.org.uk
 When
sharing
is caring
Opening up can be deeply healing, but here
we explore steps you can follow to ensure you take
care of yourself when talking about hard topics
Writing | Caroline Butterwick

M
any of us share stories with others. These For me, self-care when sharing
difficult things personal narratives help is something I regularly think
we’ve been through, challenge stereotypes and about. I’ve disclosed challenging
but it isn’t always raise awareness of different times to those close to me on
easy – who hasn’t taken a deep perspectives, as well as giving many occasions, and as a writer,
breath while weighing up us a sense of ownership over I often write about difficult life
whether to tell a friend about an difficult experiences and events. I also work as an ‘expert
upsetting experience as you have helping us feel heard. But by experience’ with a mental
coffee together? as valuable as this sharing health social work charity,
Whether it’s opening up about is, looking after ourselves where I tell trainee social
mental illness to colleagues, when we do so is important workers about what it’s like
or tweeting about first-hand to prevent us from feeling to live with mental ill-health.
experiences of discrimination, burned out, or adding to our Sharing challenging times is an
we’re encouraged to share our anxieties. important part of my life.

62 | Issue 59 | happiful.com
What do you hope
to get from this and
is it going to help
you feel better?
The benefits of sharing Sharing can allow us to find out Setting boundaries
To better understand how we that others have been through Before I share, whether with
can look after ourselves when something similar. “You feel a friend or more publicly, I
sharing, I spoke to counsellor heard, and also you remember take time to think about my
Jenny Warwick. that you are not on your own,” boundaries. You should only
“By saying out loud what has explains Jenny. share what you’re comfortable
happened to you, you can help It can work the other way, too: with, and thinking about it
to start to process your thoughts the person we speak to may feel beforehand can help with making
and feelings,” she tells me. “You less alone when they realise this decision.
are engaging your thinking brain someone else has been through When preparing to give a
by working out how you say something that echoes their own presentation to mental health
this, so that someone else can challenges. When I’ve opened social work students, I take a few
understand. This helps to get up about mental health at work, minutes to write a list of what I
you out of your head and into the for example, colleagues then talk feel comfortable sharing, and
present.” about their own experiences. what I’d prefer to keep private.
I find talking or writing about “One benefit to the person you Perhaps you’re nervous about
difficult experiences helps me speak about a difficult experience telling a loved one about a
make sense of what I’ve been with, is that it creates a sense challenging time. Writing it down
through. There’s a feeling of that you have a safe, supportive first, or rehearsing it, can help
reclaiming my story by saying relationship with them,” says solidify what you want to say,
it in my own words. It’s also Jenny. “It lets them know that you and feel more confident saying it
an opportunity to highlight feel safe with them, and that they when the time comes.
perspectives that others may not are someone you can trust to hold Some of us share more widely,
have heard before. what you are saying.” including on social media. >>>

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 63
 Posting on social media can help It’s understandable that you may
us raise awareness of what we’ve feel drained afterwards, as even if
been through, and potentially the conversation went well, it will
connect with others, which can When I tell have taken energy.
make it a positive space. But it’s someone about a “Try to go easy on yourself,”
also worth being conscious of how says Jenny. “Take a couple of
much information you’re sharing hard time, I feel a nice deep breaths and think
publicly. “It can be helpful to think sense of ownership about what you can do now, to
about what the purpose of sharing make yourself feel a little better.
this is,” advises Jenny. “What do Get outside, have a cup of tea,
you hope to get from this and is Jenny. “Be gentle and kind with breathe, and let yourself settle.”
it going to help you feel better?” yourself before you speak, as well After writing about difficult
Setting boundaries like this can as afterwards. It is a big thing to experiences, I physically move
help you manage sharing in a way open up and talk to someone like away from the space I’ve been
that works best for you. that. Once you have done it, you working in to give me distance
will usually find that the hardest from it. If you find yourself
Self-care when sharing part is over.” sharing regularly, consider
It’s important to acknowledge to Think about activities you can whether you need to take a step
yourself that you’ve done well to do either before or after that will back and give yourself time to
share. “Recognise that it is a big help you. This could be going focus on something else for a
deal to decide to trust someone for a walk, baking, reading, while, to reduce your risk of
enough to tell your story,” says painting – anything to unwind. burnout.

64 | Issue 59 | happiful.com
 relationships

The listener’s role space to process

Jenny advises that it’s important what you have told
we don’t offload everything on them.”
to the same person all the time. It can help to think
If you find this is happening, about what you want
it could be the point when from the other person.
you consider speaking to a You may find that they
professional, who can give try to offer advice, when
you the time and space to have actually you might just want
these conversations. someone to listen without giving
Sometimes we can worry practical suggestions. You could
about the impact our sharing try letting them know at the start,
may have on the other person. perhaps gently saying: “I’m not
Jenny says: “The chances are looking for advice on this, but I
that they will appreciate and really want to let you know about
understand that you have told something and to feel heard.”
them something significant When I tell someone about
to you. It might seem at first a hard time, I feel a sense of
that they have struggled to ownership. There’s something
Jenny Warwickis a counsellor
hold what you have told them. powerful about putting difficult specialising in relationships and
Keep in mind that it could well experiences into words and, most family issues. For professional support
be that they need a little bit of of all, feeling heard. visit counselling-directory.org.uk

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 65
 The art of bathing
Whether you indulge in a long, steamy soak, or prefer
to take a quick dip every now and then, discover
how you can turn bathing into an artform
Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford Illustrating | Rosan Magar

P
eace. Quiet. (At least) 30 a simple means to incorporate how we think, what we feel,
blissful minutes to sit relaxation into our lives. and how we behave.
back, relax, and let the Following a bath, we can feel
world fade away. Bathing is Rituals, relaxation, calm, relaxed, and refreshed.
about much more than simply and restoration But the benefits of bathing
getting clean. It can be an Studies by both anthropologists aren’t just about how they
escape, or space for reflection. and psychologists have shown make us feel. Scientifically
Making time to soak in the tub that rituals – simple or proven health
may seem like a luxury, but it’s complex – can help lessen benefits range
also a form of self-care, a way anxiety and uncertainty. from improving
to look after our wellbeing, and They can even impact heart health

66 | Issue 59 | happiful.com
 wellbeing

and soothing muscle or joint to disturb you, or negotiate with Take time to disconnect from the
pain, to helping moisturise your your partner so you can each digital world, and reconnect with
skin, hair, and eyes. Taking a have quality alone time. how you’re feeling here and now.
bath can even positively impact
your oxygen intake, as well 2. Create the right atmosphere. 5. Find your perfect blend.
as benefitting your brain and Dim lights. Scented candles. Aromatherapist Louisa
nervous system. Soft towels. Creating the right recommends blending three
atmosphere isn’t just about essential oils together with
Aromatherapy and bathing cliches – it’s important that a carrier oil to help create a
You don’t need expensive normal day-to-day worries relaxing, mood-lifting bath.
bubbles and bombs to make aren’t creating issues. It’s not Lavender (to help increase sleep
the perfect bath. We spoke with glamorous, but ensuring your quality and lower anxiety),
aromatherapist Louisa Pini to bath and bathroom are clean sweet orange (to boost mood)
find out how aromatherapy can and neat, can help to avoid and frankincense (for calm,
create a sense of luxury. your mind turning to never- deeper breathing) could be the
“Aromatherapy is an amazingly ending lists of chores (and the ideal mix.
powerful tool when it comes to inevitable guilt that comes with
relaxation and self-care. Our taking a moment for yourself
Calming and uplifting
scent pathway has a direct link before everything else is done).
bath blend recipe
to the brain, and triggers psycho-
physiological responses in the 3. Come prepared. Learn what Aromatherapist Louisa Pini
body. Essential oils can stimulate helps you relax. Maybe that’s recommends:
our in-built ‘relaxation response’,” soothing music, or a podcast. • 3 drops frankincense
Louisa says. Ensuring you’re prepared lets • 3 drops lavender
“An aromatherapy bath is you get the most out of your • 4 drops sweet orange
my favourite self-care ritual, time. Try experimenting by • 10ml jojoba oil or
because the warm water aids bringing a book or magazine, fractionated coconut oil
the absorption of essential oils. grab a cuppa or your favourite • Mix well and add to warm
It’s easy, relaxing, and offers the drink, or bring snacks. running water.
opportunity to include other
wellbeing practises at the same 4. Treat yourself and go screen- Note: If you suffer from a
time, like meditation.” free. If you find switching off serious medical condition,
difficult, leaving your phone at always consult your GP
How to turn your bath the door could be the answer. before using essential oils.
into an artform Doomscrolling (spending
Making the most of your time excessive time absorbing
in the tub doesn’t have to be negative news) and FOMO (fear
complicated or expensive. Try of missing out) can lead to
these five simple tips to get time lost scrolling through our
started. social media feeds, ultimately
leaving you feeling stressed,
1. Put the world on pause. The anxious, and on edge. Not only
best way to carve out me-time that, but too much blue light
is to minimise the chances before bed can suppress your
Louisa Pini is an aromatherapist with
of interruption. Pause your body’s release of melatonin, her own line of skincare. For more
notifications, pick a time of day meaning you may not feel as insight on relaxation and aromatherapy,
when your family is less likely drowsy when it’s time to sleep. visit therapy-directory.org.uk

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 67
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59 | happiful.com
 true story

Discovering a
slower pace of life
She was experiencing debilitating panic attacks, but when
Josephine took a step back to focus on her mental health,
she uncovered the power of putting yourself first
Writing | Josephine Brooks

A
s someone who hadn’t had a panic I made a visit to the doctors, and it was useful to
attack before, the first one I had was get confirmation that I was having panic attacks,
terrifying. I’d just stepped off a bus but the advice I was given wasn’t helpful at first. I
in Normandy, France, where I was was told to do some breathing exercises, and sent
spending a long weekend with my boyfriend in away with a reference sheet to read. I felt very
the spring of 2018. confused and alone, not sure what else I could do
We were in a seaside town, packed with tourists about the panic attacks, which were happening
and people looking forward to spending a day at more and more frequently.
the beach. I was struggling to breathe, and my Over the summer of 2018, I cancelled hen
entire body was shaking. I was scared I’d stop weekends I’d already paid for, weekends in
breathing, and I felt dizzy and faint. It took a London with friends who’d travelled from
long time for that panic attack to subside, and it halfway around the world to come, birthdays,
kept coming back in smaller waves. We drove to and all sorts of social events. My friends and
a quiet bit of coastline, where I sat for about two family were understanding and supportive, but it
hours, just staring out to sea, trying to figure out didn’t stop me feeling guilty and ashamed.
what it was and what had triggered it. At the height of my anxiety and depression,
When I returned home after that trip a couple of I couldn’t sleep. I went for about a month of
days later, the panic attacks kept coming. It was getting roughly three hours of sleep a night,
like a switch had been flicked and the simplest and I distinctly remember reaching a point of
of tasks became impossible for me to do without frustration where I was sobbing: ‘I can’t do it
having a panic attack. I couldn’t commute to any more.’ It’s the most frustrating thing in the
work, catch a train or bus, or even attend a world, not being able to sleep. It’s also a vicious
friend’s wedding without a panic attack. cycle. The less I slept, the more anxious and >>>

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 69
 At the height of my anxiety and
depression, I couldn’t sleep
my anxiety dropped when I was outdoors. There
really is something magical about spending time in
nature. There was also something about spending
time outdoors that gave me a new perspective on
depressed I felt. The more anxious I felt, the less life – and it also made me realise how important it
I slept. was for me to get outdoors every day, it’s therapy
During the summer, I’d visited the doctors for the soul.
multiple times, but never got anything more from At work, they were understanding about my time
them other than some advice to practise breathing off, and when I went back they let me work from
exercises and ask my boss if I could work from home when I needed to, and also suggested that I
home. They also gave me some beta blockers to try, could work half days in the office if it would help.
but even when I was taking them I was still having But I quickly realised that I needed a dramatic
regular panic attacks. change in my lifestyle to get my anxiety and
I realised that the anxiety was here to stay, and depression back under control. The pressure of
I had to do something about it. On my fifth visit meetings and a long commute were still taking
to the doctors in early September, after a month their toll on my mental health.
of very little sleep, I couldn’t control the sobs and I’d slowly been building my own business on
my shaking voice. After explaining that I was still the side of my nine-to-five job for a few years. I’d
struggling, I finally got signed off work for a month always dreamed of taking it full-time, and living a
while I went on to some medication to help the slower and more meaningful lifestyle where I could
anxiety and depression. do the work I really love. Until experiencing these
It was during this time off I finally managed to struggles with my mental health, I’d always seen
find some tools to help me manage my anxiety, and leaving my nine-to-five as an unrealistic dream
get it back under control. I walked my dogs every – but with the struggles I’d experienced with my
day for about three hours – they loved it! It also had mental health, it became a need not a want, to grow
a huge impact on me; my breathing slowed and my side-hustle into my full-time income. I needed

70 | Issue 59 | happiful.com
 true story

to change my lifestyle into a more fulfilling and

joyful one. It’s forced me to live more healthily and
include daily exercise in my routine. It’s helped me
learn so much about myself, and I now value basic
things like daily exercise, eating proper meals, and
getting at least eight hours of sleep. Self-care is
to call the shots on the hours I worked, and where something I never stop talking about with clients.
I was working, to help me manage my mental I’m starting to slowly come off the medication.
health. It’s not been a linear journey. Originally, I started
The big leap came in April 2019. I left my job to come off it too quickly, and had a series of panic
to take my side-hustle full-time and, although attacks again (one of which was while I was driving
it’s been an emotional rollercoaster, it’s been the down the M5 – not ideal!). But I’m so grateful for
best thing for my anxiety. I now walk for at least the medication I was eventually offered, it’s allowed
an hour every morning, I don’t have the stress of me to function in the way I needed to.
a commute or the pressure of board-room type The biggest thing I’ve learned from this
meetings. I’ve seen a significant improvement experience is that, sometimes, you have to put
in my mental health since leaving my job, but yourself first, you just do! It’s something a lot
I know this isn’t an easy step for everyone, and of us struggle with, but when you value your
it happened to be something I’d already been own wellbeing, when you’re feeling healthy and
working towards for a few years prior. energised, you can pour that into other people, and
I have a lot to thank my anxiety and depression influence some really positive change in others, as
for, in a funny way. It’s given me the push I needed well as yourself.

OUR EXPERT SAYS

Josephine was unprepated for the intensity that lifestyle changes were needed.
of her first panic attack, and the many She became her own boss, which
panic attacks that followed prevented her gave her more control over her
living her life. She discovered that working time, and allowed her to get
from home and walks in nature helped, as outdoors every day.
her breathing slowed and she could control
the anxiety. This helped her to recognise Graeme Orr | MBACP (Accred) counsellor

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 71
 Struggling to
Andy Gill
BA NLP E-RYT JSY500 AC BWY
stand up for
Andy Gill is a multi-modal
therapist who uses coaching,
yourself at work?
hypnotherapy, and yoga to If you find it difficult to make your voice heard, or
meet his clients’ needs. to maintain your boundaries, it could be time to
Find out more by visiting readdress your workplace dynamic. Here, our expert
lifecoach-directory.org.uk columnist Andy Gill explores steps to do just that
Writing | Andy Gill

W
ork can be a adopt this approach, you might be to act to stop it. She is angry, and
challenging popular at work, but you are also is starting to feel victimised.
environment for less likely to want to rock the boat In the workplace, being liked
many of us to for fear of upsetting someone or can only take you so far. In Kay’s
navigate, particularly given the bringing unwanted attention to case, it has led to her becoming
hierarchies of authority that are yourself. compliant in order to gain
present. At work, we have people This is true for my client Kay. approval and acceptance with
in positions of power over us, and Her boss continually contacts her her boss.
colleagues with whom we might outside work hours. He calls her A far more effective strategy
find ourselves in competition as in the evening, and sends e-mails for workplace relationships is
we seek to prove and secure our over the weekend that he expects to be respected, and to respect
employment. her to respond to. For Kay, this others. This is a relationship
In this environment, it can be means that work is seeping into of equals, and this is the crux
difficult to challenge a boss, or her private life in a way she of the matter for Kay: she does
perhaps express an opinion that doesn’t like, and it is causing her not see herself as equal, or as
differs from another colleague. to feel stressed and anxious. worthy of respect, so she feels
This can be especially true if you Kay has enough self-awareness unable to act.
are more passive in nature, when to understand that her need for a As a coach, my work begins
you are likely to have a strategy separation between work and her with helping my clients build
for relationships that relies on private life is not being respected their self-worth, so that they feel
getting people to like you. If you by her boss, yet she feels unable worthy of respect from others.

72 | Issue 59 | happiful.com
 EXPERT COLUMN

Step two:
Put these qualities into a list of ‘I
am’ statements: for example ‘I am
confident, ‘I am strong’, etc.

Step three:
Take your list and read it out
loud to yourself. If you feel
uncomfortable with any of the
statements, that is an indication
that the positive quality is clashing
with a negative limiting belief.
This is a good thing, as you have
identified a hole in your self-
worth that needs filling up.
Read this list out loud at least
twice a day for two weeks.

Step four:
Record yourself reading the list
on your phone. If you find that
you cannot listen back to the
recording, return to step three
and repeat until you can.
Listening to yourself in this
way is very powerful, as it plants
Ready to switch things So, close your eyes and think powerful positive suggestions into
up? Try this: about this person, visualise your subconscious mind. Listen
them in a work situation. How every day for at least two weeks.
Step one: do they behave, how do they
Think about a person you have communicate, how do they Step five:
worked with who you respect. hold themselves? Stand in front of a mirror and
Someone who carries themselves What qualities do they repeat each quality statement
confidently, and can stand up for have that enable them to be to yourself three times while
themselves. respected? They might be maintaining eye contact.
What do you respect about them? strong, intelligent, articulate, If you find you cannot do this yet,
What qualities do they possess? confident, etc. I want you to return to step four until you can.
A ‘quality’ is a characteristic come up with a list of at least Do this exercise at least once
that determines the nature and 30 qualities that this person a day for two weeks, and then
behaviour of a person. In the possesses that enables them to repeat when you need to top up.
context of this exercise, we are stand up for themselves.
focusing on positive qualities. If you get stuck, repeat the Take as long as you need to
A person lacking in self-worth exercise with other people you complete this exercise, and repeat
will tend to see themselves more respect until you get to 30. You as often as you need to. Time and
negatively. By working to build their are identifying the qualities repetition will enable you to see
positive qualities we can help them that you need to feel worthy of yourself as worthy of the respect
feel worthy. respect at work. you afford others.

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 73
 It is not the mountain we
conquer, but ourselves
SIR EDMUND HILLARY

Photography | Tai Ngo

74 | Issue 59 | happiful.com
 wellbeing

Something old
something new
&
What happens when we mix cutting-edge tech
with ancient wellness practices?
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

P
ower on, ion on, PEMF But can technology really boost Whether all this causes you
level set to 2 (7.8Hz)... our wellness routines, and at delight or dismay is really down
No, I’m not trying to land what cost? Increasingly, tech to the individual. But one thing’s
a plane, I’m just trying entrepreneurs and business for sure, one purchase will
to switch on an infrared (PEMF) moguls are set on tuning-in to rarely solve all of our woes, we’re
mat gifted by biohacking tech our insatiable desire for products far more complex than that.
brand HigherDOSE, ready to try promising to boost our wellness – When addressing wellbeing,
an energy transformation session, offering up a plethora of options there are a lot of things we
hosted by a fourth-generation to the $4.5 trillion industry. need to take into account –
energy healer and yoga teacher These days, many of us are our relationships, finances,
Aysha Bell. prioritising wellness in ways we’ve physical and mental health, for
If that sounds like two different never done before, which is why example. The majority of tech
worlds colliding, it’s because it you can now find a gadget for companies wouldn’t claim they
kind of is. On one hand, you’ve most needs. There’s SAD (seasonal have the golden ticket, and yet
got ancient practises of yoga and affective disorder) lamps, deep it’s natural to pin your hopes
meditation that come with peace, sleep headbands, LED face masks, on tangible items when dealing
serenity, and simplicity – and on smartwatches, smart mattresses, with sometimes intangible
the other, you’ve got brand new smart scales, smart sex toys, the experiences – something it pays
technology with power packs, world of wearables, and too many to be wary of when navigating
manuals, and a one-year warranty. apps to count. this growing market. >>>

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 75
 HigherDOSE’s PEMF mat looks
just like a yoga mat, except it
has 20lbs of tiny crystals sewn
in between the base and a top
layer of mesh fabric. The PEMF
(pulsed electromagnetic field)
therapy element comes in once
plugged in and heated up, and
is thought to send low-level
frequency energy through the
body, something which claims
to aid calm – with different
intensities promising different
effects, from deep relaxation to
improving focus. PEMF therapy is
usually something you might visit
a holistic clinic to experience,
and is administered via smaller,
more direct devices that target
problem areas like sore muscles,
or a mat like this one – which
comes with some big claims, and
an equally big price tag of £890.
While that all sounds pretty
intimidating, back in the room,
and once the energy healing
session began, I returned to
familiar territory. Working
remotely over Zoom, Aysha
instructed us to set our mats
to medium heat – which,
admittedly, quickly had me
feeling at ease on an otherwise

76 | Issue 59 | happiful.com
 wellbeing

Aysha Bell
“There is much benefit to be over the world and bringing them
found in ancient rituals that to the West, married up with
cannot be replaced by modern what is already on offer for us in
There is much practices – and technology that the West,” Aysha comments.
cannot match up to some of the But, as Aysha points out, healing
benefit to be found most basic systems and rituals,” and wellness are about a lot more
in ancient rituals says Aysha, when we catch up than just going to the gym or
following the session. “Something eating well. Speaking to ourselves
that cannot as simple as breathing could in a nurturing way, being a part
be replaced by change a person’s life.”
But, as Aysha sees it, when
of a supportive community, and
treating ourselves with love and
modern practises married with guided meditation respect come first. And when it
or a yin yoga session, tech like comes to investing in ourselves,
quite chilly day – and we started PEMF therapy could aid you in you could try out the latest tech
off with some gentle stretches going deeper into relaxation, or you could commit to regular
and calming breathing exercises. something she sees as an meditation – either way, the most
Following on from that, we example of what the future holds important component for success
then lay on our backs and did for us. My verdict? Following the is the relationship we have with
some visualisation meditation, session, I felt dreamy, calm, and ourselves.
breathing deeply into each part whimsical. Lying on a heated Ultimately, wellness tech such
of our bodies, sending calming PEMF mat felt good – especially as the HigherDOSE mat is,
focus to these areas. on my back, good posture not plainly, nice. These tools can
Then it was time for some being my strong point – and enhance practise, but they aren’t
sound healing, Aysha creating I’ve no doubt the heat played a the be-all-end-all; true change
deeply penetrating sounds with role in the speed at which I was comes with hard work and
bowls that resonated through able to switch off and relax. As dedication. As for the question
the body. For those who haven’t to whether I felt more relaxed of whether we need to bring tech
experienced sound therapy than after a standard meditation into this world, or even, should
before, it feels like a full-body session, that’s harder to answer. we, that’s for you to decide. But
bath of deep, yet soft, energy – a “The future of wellness seems one thing’s for sure, if you’re
totally unique, yet practically to be taking us back to basics, erring on the side of innovation,
simple, experience that’s best people and communities are the futuristic options on the
tried first-hand. looking at ancient traditions all horizon promise to be fruitful.

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 77
 Five ways to tell
if you’re being too
hard on yourself
and how to stop
Is it time you cut yourself some slack?
Writing | Amanda Nicholson

S
elf-reflection is friend? You probably wouldn’t, of something rather than the
important. It lets us take and if someone else did, you’d mistakes. Nobody else will dwell
time to acknowledge the defend your friend. Yet you don’t on your mistakes. For example,
areas of our lives where defend yourself in the same way. if you’re public speaking and
we can improve, then work on By trying to be your own friend, stumble on a few words, people
these. We all want to be the best you can stop yourself whenever are more likely to recall the
version of ourselves. However, you’re being too harsh on overall message rather than your
there’s a line between self- yourself. Take a step back from minor stumbles.
reflection and self-criticism. yourself, if you can, and try to
Sometimes we’re too close to be constructive. Everyone has 3. You can’t give a balanced
see the difference, and can be too faults, but you have many positive opinion on how well you
harsh in our own judgement when attributes, too. What you see as did something
looking at our shortcomings. a fault may be a positive trait to If someone asked how well you
These might not be shortcomings other people. For example, if did in a task or exam, could
at all, but we see them this way you’re uncomfortable in social you think of anything positive
because they don’t match some situations, you might be a deep to say? There will usually be
idealism we have adopted. thinker instead. something salvageable, even
How can you know whether from our biggest failures. So, if
you’re making a fair judgement, 2. You dwell on small failures you can’t see the parts you did
or being overly critical? Here are long after they happen right, it helps to practise looking
some signs. Everyone makes mistakes, at the situation from an outside
but some people find it easier perspective.
1. You say things about to move on and even laugh at Also, ask for feedback in
yourself you’d never say themselves. If you replay your situations like job interviews.
about anyone else mistake hours or days afterwards, Often, this won’t be nearly as
If you criticise what you see as you’re being overly critical. harsh as your own opinion, and
your failings, ask yourself, would It’s easier said than done, they don’t know you and have no
you say the same things to a but try to see the good parts reason to lie.

78 | Issue 59 | happiful.com
 mind, you’ve already failed, so
you don’t try. Although, the only
person who would recall your
failures would be you.
The alternative version is, you
could succeed, or at least learn
to improve. Nobody is great at
something when they try for the
first time. Stephen King used to
paper his walls with rejections, and
Thomas Edison failed more than
10,000 times while inventing and
perfecting the electric lightbulb.
4. You spend a lot of time There will be plenty of genuine For both of these and many more,
apologising for small things reasons to apologise in life, so it’s the successes they are most
If you feel like you spend a lot don’t waste time apologising known and remembered for.
of time apologising for minor when it’s not needed. Being too hard on yourself
things, stop and ask yourself what means you risk holding yourself
the impact of your actions really 5. You allow the fear of failure back. Nobody dwells on your
are? For example, if you don’t see to stop you from trying mistakes and your failures as
someone in time to keep the door If you have an unwritten list of all much as you do. Each one takes
open, a brief explanation is better the things you want to do, but the you one step closer to reaching
than an apology, for something only thing holding you back is the your goals. Showing yourself the
you didn’t do on purpose and fear of failure, you’re not giving same kindness you show others
didn’t cause any harm. yourself a fair chance. In your can go a long way.

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 79
 Why don’t you do the
things you should?
It’s often easy to write off procrastination
as laziness or complacency, but what’s
really going on under the surface?
Writing | Robert Sanders

T
o do the things you don’t really own it in the first FIND THE VALUE BEHIND IT
should do can be place. If there is a ‘should’ or Start with the task at hand
the hardest thing an ‘ought to’ running through and ask yourself, ‘What is
in the world – or your mind, you may be important about this?’ When
the easiest. Isn’t it funny how allowing outside pressures to a thing needs doing, it can be
sometimes we can just get on control your outcomes. If you easy to accept that you must
and do the things that matter, are doing it because your sister do it, without a clear idea of
and other times we procrastinate says so, or the government, the reason you are choosing
or self-sabotage? Writing that or your religion, or the book to do so. Much of what we
novel, doing charitable work, you are reading, you can do is driven by our values. A
finishing a project, decorating unconsciously resist doing it. value is a high-level principle
the living room. There are so A good start is to try changing in life that drives us. Values
many worthwhile activities, the thought to ‘I want to…’ are the important, big picture
yet we find ourselves doom- Try, I want to go to the gym, things – freedom, family, trust,
scrolling, browsing Instagram, or I want to finish my craft efficiency, and integrity.
window-shopping, reading project. How does that feel When you are leading a life
celebrity gossip, or just chatting to you? Does it feel genuine that is compatible with your
to friends. There are so many and sincere? If it does, you values you tend to feel fulfilled,
things we should be doing, so may find it easier to move when your life conflicts with
why don’t we? forward just by changing that your values you may feel
one word, ‘should’. If it doesn’t uncomfortable, lacking in
‘SHOULD’, ACCORDING really connect with you, then confidence, and worthless.
TO WHOM? you may need to dig a little There are values behind most of
Sometimes the reason we don’t deeper into your motivations – your unthinking actions and you
do something is because we or just let it go. tend to be unaware of them.

80 | Issue 59 | happiful.com
 positive pointers

Much of what
we do is driven
by our values
So, with any project or activity
that you want to complete,
find the value that is behind
that project. What is it that is
ultimately important about
completing this activity? Going
to the gym might fulfil the value
of health, friendship, or being
consistent. Writing a novel
might fulfil the value of success,
self-expression, creativity, or
communication.
Sometimes values are negative
too, so you may be motivated by
the value of avoiding something
such as criticism, loneliness, or
ill-health.

CONNECT WITH THE VALUE

Once you know the value that
drives you, really connect with
that value as you visualise the
completion of your task or project.
See yourself in your mind’s eye
and imagine how you will look
when you satisfy that value
of recognition, or fulfilment,
adventure, or self-mastery.
When you visualise the
completion of the goal and the
fulfilment of the value, make
sure that the image you get in
your mind uses all the senses.
What will you see, hear, and feel?
Are there even things you can
taste or smell? What will you be
saying to yourself when you have
finished, and what will others
say to you? Have a rich picture >>>

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 81
 positive pointers

in your mind and make sure you the values they fulfil are even or somewhere specific, and
can see yourself in that picture. more important to you. not too far. Set an alarm
or create an interruption
DEAL WITH DISTRACTIONS FIND THE HIGHER VALUE that will prevent you from
Sometimes, we find that Now that you have an idea of overrunning.
although we want to do the right what doing that project will
thing, or that important project, achieve for you, compare that 3. Make fulfilling the value a
we end up passing the time value to the one you fulfil reward for achieving the
less productively, or focusing through the distraction. Which outcome
on something irrelevant. Social is most important to you? Delay the gratification you feel
media is the classic modern Sometimes it can help to ask in the distraction – promise
example, but it can also be more yourself: ‘If I could fulfil X value, yourself 20 minutes of
subtle things, like reading an but not Y value, would that be uninterrupted internet surfing
‘important’ report first, doing OK?’ If the answer is yes, then the when you have completed a
‘research’, or going for a walk to X value is higher, if not then it’s defined part of the task. Go for
clear your head. Y. If you discover that the value a nice walk after you finish the
of the task is less important than project.
the value of the distraction, try
one of these tactics: Above all, when you find

Criticising 1. Find ways of fulfilling the

yourself procrastinating or
avoiding something, don’t
yourself will value that the distraction beat yourself up or spiral into
self-blame. Everybody does
provides, through the project
only make it or task you want to do things for a reason and, sadly,

harder to Let’s say the value is a

connection with others. Can
it can sometimes be quite hard
sometimes to work out what that
keep on track you get others involved in reason is. Criticising yourself will
only make it harder to keep on
your project or task? Can you
If you are aware of such do it in a cafe or a bar where track. The key to understanding
distractions and timewasters, there are other people? Can ourselves is always to be curious,
ask yourself what value this you put on a talk radio station rather than critical, and to
distraction fulfils for you. What or a podcast to listen to? Can explore, rather than judge.
is important about this? What you blog about it, or email
value does it fulfil for me? friends with updates? Can you
Social media? Important? What post the finished project on
possible value does that give me? social media?
Well, maybe it’s connection,
communication, attention, or 2. Set a time limit that will
self-expression, or maybe it is allow you to fulfil the value
to avoid self-doubt, failure, or before you move on to the
discomfort. next task
Don’t underestimate the values Robert Sanders is a master coach,
This is a simple one. Browse
master practitioner of NLP, and
that distractions fulfil. The fact Facebook for 10 minutes, author of ‘The Anxiety Habits
that you choose them over more skim-read seven pages of Journal’. Find out more by visiting
important stuff could mean that the report, walk to the shops lifecoach-directory.org.uk

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 83
 Dr Radha | Ray Burmiston
I am. I have
THE HAPPIFUL PODCAST

DR JULIE SMITHIZADI
SHAHROO GRACE VICTORY

DR RADHA

NOEL
MEGAN BELL RHIANNON
CRABBE LAMBERT
FIONA LAMB

• Listen • Share • Subscribe •

Listen to conversations with Dr Julie Smith, Dr Radha,
Noel Bell, Rhiannon Lambert, and many others, who share
their passions, and reveal the moments that shaped them.

84 | Issue 59 | happiful.com
 Five children’s mental
health picture books
Explaining mental health issues to children can be tough. Here,
we share five unmissable picture books that help teach kids
about anxiety, depression, and mindfulness.
Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

Don’t Worry, Murray! by Anna Adams

and Josiane Vlitos
Vibrant and fun, Don’t Worry, Murrary
helps young readers learn how to develop
a calmer, more positive outlook. Follow Why Are You
Murray the dog’s first day at his new school, So Sad?
as Hoots the owl guides him, and helps him to overcome his by Beth
fears. Thoughtful and encouraging, readers can follow practical Andrews
steps to learn calming breathing techniques, and discover the Designed to
benefits of mindfulness and positive thinking. help children
understand and come to terms with
parental depression, Why Are You
So Sad? creates the opportunity for
The Bad Mood and the Stick by Lemony caregivers to open up with children
Snicket and Matthew Forsythe about the mental health struggles
From the beloved, best-selling children’s book their loved ones may be facing.
author Lemony Snicket comes a new picture
book about emotions and their impact on us
(and others). A simple yet refreshing story,
The Bad Mood and the Stick takes a thoughtful
and humorous look at how a bad mood can wreak havoc, yet lead Baby’s
to opportunities for laughter, forgiveness, and love. Big World:
Mindfulness
by Alex
Fabrizio and
The Princess and the Fog by Lloyd Jones Hilli Kushnir
A modern take on a familiar childhood Learning how to practise
classic, The Princess and the Fog shares mindfulness is becoming a more
the story of a happy princess who has necessary skill in our ever-busy
everything she could possibly want until world. Help set your child up for
the fog of depression arrives. Designed to success by introducing them to
help children better understand depression mindfulness. Filled with simple
through vibrant illustrations, simple metaphors, and humour, questions and prompts to work
readers are introduced to not only the symptoms of childhood through together, children can
depression, but are given a spark of hope that things can get practise the basics of mindfulness
better with help and support. and meditation.

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 85
 100 questions to build
emotional intimacy
Settle down with your partner
and take turns asking and
answering these questions to
help deepen your connection
Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

O
ur romantic relationships are
some of the most important in
our lives, bringing us joy, comfort,
and support. Working on your emotional
intimacy strengthens these bonds even
further, deepening your understanding of
each others’ wants, needs, and desires.
So, we’ve gathered together 100 questions
that help you build emotional intimacy. Set
aside some time when you both feel relaxed,
and take it in turns to ask and answer each
of these questions. You may be surprised by
what you discover…

4. Have your friendships

1. What would your younger 7. When was the last time you
taught you anything about
self think of our relationship? laughed so much you cried?
romantic relationships?

2. What have you learned about 5. What does ‘work-life 8. Has your relationship taught
relationships from your parents? balance’ mean to you? you anything about yourself?

3 Do I show you
enough affection?
6. What was the most surprising
thing you learned about me?
9. In what ways do
you think we’re similar?

86 | Issue 59 | happiful.com
 relationships
In it for the long-run
Why not write down your answers,
and then return to them in a year's
time? Take note of what stays the
same and what changes, and ask 31. What do you
10. In what ways do you
yourself, what does this tell me think are the signs of
think we’re different?
about the people we're becoming? a healthy relationship?

11. What did you want to be 21. How do you 32. Do you think we
when you were a child? express love for me? have the same values?

33. Where do
12 When was the last
time you cried?
22. What was your
favourite toy growing up? you feel most
comfortable?
13. When have you felt 23. What excites you 34. What is your favourite
most proud of me? the most about life? thing to do together?

14. What have 24. What is your favourite 35. What song is the
I taught you? characteristic about yourself? soundtrack to your life?

15. What makes you 25. How important is a 36. Is there something new
feel confident? sexual connection to you? you want to try together?

16. Have there been 26. What do you think

37. If you could relive one day
any challenges in our is the most interesting
with me, which would it be?
relationship? fact about me?

27
17. If we could
How would you 38. Are you able to tell
travel anywhere together,
define ‘success’? when I’m upset? How?
where would we go?

18. What’s your most treasured 28. Where do you see 39. What value do you
childhood memory? yourself in five years? admire most about me?

19. What book, film, or 29. What’s

TV show has had the your favourite 40. Is affection in a relationship
important to you?
greatest impact on you? way to relax?
30. How often do you 41. Do you enjoy spending
20. What is your biggest fear? reflect on the past? time in nature?

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 87
 42. What’s the most loving thing 53. What does trust 64. Do you feel comfortable
I’ve done for you? mean to you? raising issues in our relationship?

43. When you’re feeling 54. What is

your favourite
65. Do you think we have
stressed, what’s the best
a similar sense of style?
thing I can do for you?
photo of us?
44. What’s the best gift
I’ve given you?
55. What’s a guaranteed
way to make me laugh? 66 What does your
ideal day look like?

45. Is there a song that 56. How do you feel about the 67. What’s your relationship
reminds you of me? division of chores at home? with forgiveness?

46. Do you enjoy 57. How often do you think 68. What small things in
alone time? about the future? life make you happy?

47. What’s the most supportive 58. Do you prefer to plan things, 69. Do you have any self-
thing I’ve done for you? or be spontaneous? development goals?

48. How important 59. What’s the best thing you can 70. If you’re feeling nervous,
is family to you? do when I’m feeling down? how can I support you?

49. What do you think

60. What does the best version of 71. If we were to learn a new skill
is the key to a happy,
yourself look like? together, what would it be?
healthy relationship?

50. In a fire, what five 61. What item of clothing do 72. Do you think we’ve changed
items would you save? you feel your best in? since the start of our relationship?

51. In what ways do you

need me to support you
62. Do you prefer to 73. How do you like
with your career?
give or receive? to be flirted with?
52. How are our approaches
63. What is your favourite 74. What’s your favourite
to finances different,
way to relax together? way to treat yourself?
and how are they similar?

88 | Issue 59 | happiful.com
 relationships

75. Are you more guided by

logic or intuition?

76. Do you find it easy to admit

when you’re wrong?

77. How would you describe your

relationship with technology?

86. In group social

78. What does good
situations, do you think we
health mean to you?
complement each other?

79. Do you like being in the 87. Who was your favourite 94. Is there something we used
spotlight, or prefer the sidelines? teacher at school, and why? to do that you now miss?

80. What’s your process for

making important decisions? 88 How do you deal with
making mistakes?
95. What’s your favourite
self-care activity?

81. What’s the best piece of

89. Are you kind to yourself?
96. When do you
advice you’ve been given? feel most desirable?

90. How easy is it for someone

82 Who do you admire? 97. Do you feel appreciated?
to change your mind?

83. Can you tell when 91. How do you feel about your 98. What meal brings
I’m feeling down? relationships with your family? back good memories?

84. What’s your favourite thing 92. Do you feel 99. What’s your favourite way that
about being your current age? trusted? I express my feelings about you?

85. What do you miss about me 93. What are the tell-tale signs 100. What’s the best thing about
when I’m not around? that you’re in a bad mood? us as a couple?

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 89
 Spring awakening
Put a spring in your step (and your home)
by embracing the freshness of the season
with these five simple suggestions

It’s time to open up…

Crack open those windows
after the long winter months,
and circulate some fresh air.
It’s amazing what a good breeze
can do, blowing away not just
the literal cobwebs, but the
metaphorical ones too, as the
oxygen boost helps to bring
mental clarity. Fresh air has
even been proven to improve
digestion, blood pressure, and
your heart rate.

Celebrate with seasonal produce

Not only is eating seasonally
(and locally) better for the
environment, but it means you
enjoy the freshest foods at their
peak time. Seasonal produce is
typically tastier and healthier for kitchen staples, your
thanks to it’s higher nutritional bookshelf, or your wardrobe.
value, due to not being shipped Put fresh sheets on your bed, or Shake up your
over long distances. So, for perhaps a new coat of paint on colour palette
spring enjoy vegetables such as your woodwork, and see how it Using springtime colours in
artichokes, asparagus, rhubarb, brightens the place up. your home can be a great way to
and spinach, along with fruits refresh and bring a new energy
like apricots, strawberries, and Bring the season inside to the space – think of the flowers
blackcurrants. Introduce elements of nature, you see outside, with colours such
with bunches of vibrant daffodils, as greens, yellows, and peachy
Embrace the ‘fresh’ feeling lavender, hyacinth, and other pinks. Incorporate these elements
Clean a space, redecorate, classic springtime florals. The in table settings, bedsheets, or
reorder – it could be as simple fresh scent and pop of colour can pillows, for a look that you can
as organising your cupboard be the perfect pick-me-up. change with the seasons.

90 | Issue 59 | happiful.com
 food & health

8 things you
need to know about
endometriosis
With endometriosis awareness week taking place
at the start of March, Jenna Farmer shines a
spotlight on the painful gynaecological condition
that affects one in 10 women, yet can take up
to seven and a half years to diagnose

E
ndometriosis is thought “Very often, endometriosis “Due to the chronic
to affect 10% of women of can extend outside the womb inflammatory nature of
reproductive age across and affect the bowel, with some endometriosis, we can assume
the world, but there’s still adhesions in the bowel causing that diet changes that also help
so much we don’t know about challenges of transition of control inflammation might
the condition. It’s far more than foods through the gut. This can be supportive of managing
mild period pain; its symptoms be managed through dietary endometriosis in the long term,”
– which include pain that stops strategies fibre modification,” adds Sophie Medlin.
normal activities, pain during explains dietitian Sophie Medlin For those dealing with bowel
sex, and feeling sick – can be from City Dietitians. issues, working with a dietitian
debilitating, with the condition The reality is that those with to look at the role of things such
potentially impacting fertility if endometriosis are more likely as fibre in the diet could also be
left untreated. Let’s take a look to have other gut issues, too. beneficial.
at everything you need to know One study of 37,000 women with
about endometriosis. endometriosis, published in the 3. IT CAN TAKE MANY DOCTORS
journal Gut, found they were TRIPS TO GET DIAGNOSED
1. BOWEL SYMPTOMS more likely to develop IBD. On average, it can take women
ARE COMMON 10 visits to their GP, and seven
Endometriosis isn’t just limited 2. DIET CAN’T CURE and a half years, before they’re
to gynaecological symptoms, ENDOMETRIOSIS diagnosed with endometriosis.
bowel issues can occur, too. Whatever you’ve read, there’s no Recent research published in
Around 5–12% of women with diet that can ‘fix’ endometriosis. Patient Education and Counseling
endometriosis also have it However, what you eat may help found that this invalidation by
extend to the bowel, causing symptoms, with some evidence medical professions can lead to
symptoms such as diarrhoea, of long chain omega 3s being those with endometriosis having
constipation and, on rare beneficial – likely due to their lower self-esteem and increased
occasions, bowel obstructions. anti-inflammatory properties. chances of depression, which is >>>

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 91
 Taking the combined pill
in a continuous method
could offer the greatest
relief in symptoms by
minimising the number
of bleeds you have
a year

“Although there are several

theories on hormones, genetics
and the way women menstruate,
there is no known singular
cause,” explains Dr Giuseppe.
“While the condition does tend
to run in families, it’s not been
exclusively proven, and it’s likely
that a combination of multiple
elements causes the condition.”
why it’s so important for doctors bad period pains, and perhaps
to listen and take period issues some GPs misdiagnosing or not 5. ENDOMETRIOSIS IS LINKED
seriously. pushing for a pelvic exam. This TO YOUR MENTAL HEALTH
“I would say that the findings is especially true of younger While we often discuss
of this work aren’t surprising women,” explains Dr Giuseppe the physical symptoms of
for many individuals with Aragona, GP and online doctor endometriosis, it’s important to
endometriosis, though I believe for prescriptiondoctor.com remember mental health can also
it helps validate the challenging be impacted. Research has found
diagnostic experiences of many 4. IT ISN’T ALWAYS GENETIC, that women with endometriosis
patients, which I hope itself is BUT IT CAN RUN IN FAMILIES. are twice as likely to experience
therapeutic,” explains Allyson Reports suggest that if depression, and higher instances
Bontempo, PhD Candidate in someone has endometriosis were linked to the severity of
Health Communication at Rutgers in your family, you are up to pain women go through. This
University, who led the research. seven times more likely to pain itself can be debilitating,
But why does it take so long? develop it. However, having impacting an individual’s quality
“In some cases, endometriosis endometriosis doesn’t always of life. It’s important to speak
can take anywhere from 6–10 mean a family link, or that to your GP if you feel you need
years to diagnose, because of you’ll pass it on to your own support with your mental health,
symptoms being dismissed as just children in the future. and you could also look into the

92 | Issue 59 | happiful.com
 food & health

charity Endometriosis UK, which This could also be because sleep

runs a support network for those issues are more likely when
living with the condition.
On average, it can living with endometriosis.
The study also found women
6. THE PILL MAY take women 10 with endometriosis were
BE ABLE TO HELP
While there’s no cure for
visits to their GP, seven times more likely to
experience insomnia, while
endometriosis, and studies and seven and a other research has found sleep
suggest that around 60% of half years, before quality is poorer, too. Planning
your schedule to ensure you get
women have repeat surgical
procedures, the contraceptive they’re diagnosed enough sleep could be worth
pill could offer some benefits. with endometriosis trying, as well as tucking into
According to NICE, most women magnesium-rich foods.
find some relief from taking gluten, but nutritionist Shannon “Magnesium-rich foods like
these, but it can take time for Western says that this isn’t leafy greens, bananas, nuts,
them to work and to find a pill necessarily the approach for and wholegrains (bread, rice,
that suits you and your body. everyone. quinoa, etc.) can be helpful
“Combined hormonal “There’s no evidence that all before periods to reduce fatigue
contraceptives thin out people with endometriosis and pain before/during periods,”
the womb lining, prevent need to avoid gluten,” Shannon explains Shannon.
ovulation, lighten or even explains. “In people with endo, Endometriosis can be difficult
stop periods. This means that there is a higher rate of coeliac’s to live with, and that’s why
endometrial deposits can disease, and non-coeliac gluten raising awareness of life with
become smaller without the sensitivity, than in the non-endo this condition is so important.
hormonal stimulation of the population (the reasons for this For more information
menstrual cycle,” explains Dr are currently unknown), so if you about being diagnosed with
Fran Yarlett from contraceptive do have endometriosis, you can endometriosis, as well as
comparison site The Low Down. be tested for coeliac’s disease to support for living with the
“Taking the combined pill in a rule it out.” condition, visit
continuous method could offer The key thing to note is that if endometriosis-uk.org
the greatest relief in symptoms you don’t have coeliac disease,
by minimising the number there’s no reason that going
of bleeds you have a year. gluten-free would help your Sophie is a dietitian, director
of City Dietitians and chair
These benefits often lead to an endometriosis symptoms.
of the British Dietetic
improvement in symptoms, Association for London.
and can protect your fertility by 8. FATIGUE IS COMMON
reducing inflammation and scar Another common symptom of Shannon Western
tissue.” endometriosis is fatigue, often is a nutritionist
caused by heavy periods. A study specialising in
7. YOU DON’T NEED TO published in Human Reproduction disordered eating
and women’s health.
GIVE UP GLUTEN found that twice as many people
A common nutrition with endometriosis experienced For more support and information
recommendation for tackling fatigue, when compared to those relating to endometriosis, visit
endometriosis is to give up who don’t have the condition. nutritionist-resource.org.uk

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 93
 When you do things from
your soul, you feel a river
moving in you, a joy
RUMI

Photography | Shwa Hall

94 | Issue 59 | happiful.com
 true story

Challenging the status quo

As a teenager, Rupert experienced a period of debilitating anxiety –
but, now, as a young entrepreneur, he’s using his experience to create
supportive, uplifting environments for all
Writing | Rupert Rixon

A
s a child, I was always very confident, week. Thoughts were constantly racing through
excitable, and extroverted. I enjoyed my head that the same thing might happen again,
acting in plays and was featured in even after trying to reassure myself. Anyway,
several TV commercials. Despite the day came and my fears came true. Standing
getting very nervous before any performance, at the back of the room watching others present
this didn’t affect me negatively. I knew I’d always before my allotted slot, I became incredibly hot
relax into it after feeling apprehensive. and flustered. I went and spoke to my account
Fast-forward to March 2016. I was invited manager, and I was forced to pull out of the talk
to a Google workshop, then asked to host a after having a panic attack just before I was due
presentation the following week. I was to speak to speak.
about how YouTube had enabled me to flourish I went and sat in the bathroom where I tried
as an entrepreneur, as well as the longboarding to calm myself down, but left the Google
trip I took across America – from LA to NY – headquarters and went home extremely
which I turned into a documentary. disappointed. Over the next couple of weeks, my
I arrived at the workshop, having had little mental health started to decline rapidly. I fell
sleep the night before. I was asked to present into what seemed like a bottomless pit. I found
some ideas in front of a group of people it incredibly hard to go out in public, and even
and, as I stood up, I suddenly got extremely struggled to take short trips out of the house to
nervous. It seemed to come out of nowhere places like the supermarket.
and I could barely get any of my words out. Two of my mum’s friends came over to our house
My eyes got watery and I felt a huge lump in and I couldn’t even face seeing them. This is
my throat. I thought I was going to burst into when I realised something was seriously wrong.
tears. I persevered and pushed through, but was I climbed out of our downstairs bathroom (so as
concerned as this was something I had never not to be seen by my parents’ friends) and started
encountered before. I felt that there was little running to the local GP practice. On the way, I
explanation for why I felt so anxious. called my mum to let her know my concerns. She
I started feeling extremely stressed in the run- knew this was completely out of character, picked
up to the second talk at Google the following me up in the car and drove me to the doctor. >>>

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 95
 better of me or my career. Throughout my time
abroad I filmed the 2,000 mile trip from Delhi to
Thiruvananthapuram, Kerala. During the trip,
the anti-depressants started to kick in, which
helped. I completed the trip, and although I was
My experience with anxiety still anxious, I came home feeling significantly
better in myself for conquering some of my
has helped me understand fears. Since then I’ve been building myself and
that people can be really my confidence back up over the last four years.
It took a long time for me to feel confident
unpredictable in myself again, and as much as I was able to
rebuild that, I am still working on other areas.
I spoke to the GP about how I’d felt and what had My company Perspective Pictures has grown a
happened. They prescribed me antidepressants, lot since 2016 and we’re now a team of 18. This
which I was reluctant to take, but knew I was in a means there are a lot of occasions where I have
bad place. On the way home, I asked my mum to to address groups of people. As the founder and
drop me halfway down the road from our house MD, I’m the face of the business, meaning I have
so I didn’t have to be seen by my parents’ friends. to fly the flag and need to be able to communicate
This was a really low point for me. effectively with clients every day.
At the time, it felt like I was never going to be A huge milestone, that showed me how far I’d
able to do anything I had wanted to. How was I come, was when I was recently interviewed on
going to run a business when I was struggling to Sky and BBC News. These events were a big thing
socialise or look anyone in the eye? I had a major for me. I was quite nervous beforehand but I had
trip hitchhiking through India coming up in two been having hypnotherapy in the run-up. The
weeks, and I knew I was going to encounter many interviews went well, and I’m proud of what I
social situations outside of my usual comfort zone. accomplished – this is something I couldn’t have
Was it the right time, was I ready for that trip? even considered a couple of years ago.
It was a difficult decision, but I decided to go to One of my big aims for this year is to keep on
India. This is something that I had planned for a overcoming my public speaking fears. I’m very
long time, and I didn’t want my anxiety to get the open with my team about my mental health

96 | Issue 59 | happiful.com
 true story

which, in turn, has enabled them to be open

with their mental health. We have a very positive
environment at work and as much as we all
have our struggles, I’m hoping we can create
a supportive and empowering environment sometimes the stereotype of an entrepreneur
to champion our team. My experience with is a hard, aggressive individual who’s unfazed
anxiety has helped me understand that people by stressful situations. However, this is
can be really unpredictable. We try to keep up often not the case. I think the key to being a
morale in the company and encourage our staff successful entrepreneur and a good leader
to travel, so we have an unlimited annual leave is to be open and honest with your team,
scheme to support this. We also recognise how especially about mental health, and try to talk
important exercise is for mental health, and about any concerns your colleagues may have.
organise monthly activities to get the team out of It’s important at Perspective Pictures that we
the office having some fun. We also did a charity feel that we can all be a support to each other
Santa fun run recently for charity. We ran 10k in and not feel alone. I feel it’s important to
Santa outfits to raise awareness for young people lead with empathy, and understand people’s
with mental health problems. problems. In doing so, you’re much more
As an entrepreneur, I believe it’s in our nature likely to have a positive working environment,
to challenge the status quo by looking at how and efficient communication with others you
and why things should be different. I think work with.

OUR EXPERT SAYS

Rupert’s remarkable journey provides support to overcome his mental
inspiration for anyone experiencing anxiety. health challenges. He now leads
The challenges of his career, at one point, by example and is flourishing.
created overwhelming anxiety that had a
significant impact o his mental health. Rupert Rav Sekhon | BA MA MBACP (Accred)
was able to recognise this and accessed Counsellor and psychotherapist

happiful.com | Issue 59 | 97
Morning
affirmations
Empowering sentiments
to start your day

Today is a new day.

I am committed to
my personal growth.

I am capable of
tackling any obstacle.

My thoughts do not control

me, I control my thoughts.

I am worthy of investing in myself.

My tension is melting away.

My feelings deserve
to be recognised.

I am the architect of my own life.

I give myself permission to follow my dreams.

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x x x x x x xfamily
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