Attachment 101

STEPHANIE RIGG
 Introduction

Nice to meet you

I'm Stephanie Rigg, a Relationship Coach
from Sydney, Australia.

Attachment theory is a huge part of my work,

and I'm so glad that you're here and wanting
to learn more. Knowledge is power, so you're
already well on your way to building the
secure, healthy relationship you long for.

This guide will give you an overview of the four

attachment styles, as well as introducing you
to some core concepts in attachment theory.

Let's dive in!

 Introduction to Attachment

Attachment theory was developed by John Bowlby in the 1950s,

from his work as a child psychiatrist. Bowlby's work explored the
significance of a child's relationship with their primary carer
(usually the mother) in shaping their broader emotional and
psychological development. Bowlby stressed the paramount
significance of a child's attachment figure providing a safe, stable
and secure base for the child to return to, and being highly
attuned to the physical and emotional needs of the child.

Despite its origins in an early childhood context, attachment

theory has since been demonstrated to provide critical insight
into emotional functioning and relationships into adulthood.

Modern attachment theory prescribes four broad attachment

styles: secure, anxious- preoccupied, dismissive-avoidant, and
fearful-avoidant (or disorganised). Each of the styles has a
different typical "origin story", as well as different behavioural
adaptations in adult relationships.
 Core Concepts in
Attachment Theory

When talking about attachment theory and attachment styles,

it's really important to get a few things straight:

your attachment style is a set of learned behaviours

attachment styles are not fixed or rigid - they are

contextually responsive and so can change over the lifespan
(or from one relationship to another)

attachment styles are best understood as describing (a)

what types of things cause you stress in a relationship and (b)
the strategies that you use to manage this stress

while most people's attachment patterns are thought to

originate in childhood, it is possible to develop an insecure
attachment style later in life

your attachment style is not a personality type, defect,

diagnosis or disorder
 Attachment is a Spectrum

While understanding your attachment style can be an absolute

game-changer in how you understand yourself and your
relational dynamics, it is important to recognise that attachment
styles are not fixed. Your attachment style is not a life sentence.
Rather, it is useful to view your attachment style (particularly if
one of the three insecure types) as a behavioural adaptation to
less than ideal circumstances. As with any behaviour, you can
unlearn those patterns and learn a more secure way of being.

It is also important to note that the vast majority of people will be

a combination of styles, often exhibiting a primary and
secondary style depending on circumstances and relational
dynamics. For example, you might be primarily secure in your
attachment style but notice that you exhibit some anxious traits
during moments of stress or conflict, or if in relationship with a
more avoidant partner.

The goal is not to explain everything via your attachment style

or to try and fit yourself into a neat box, but rather to use
attachment theory as a framework and tool through which to
cultivate greater self-awareness and understanding.
 Secure Attachment:
Overview

Securely attached individuals are, on the whole, well-adjusted and

emotionally stable people.

They enjoy being in healthy intimate relationships though are

equally content being single.

They are great at setting and upholding healthy boundaries.

They are good communicators and don't shy away from difficult
conversations.

They are comfortable relying on others and being relied upon in

return.

They have a strong sense of self and are confident as they go

about the world

They trust in others' good intentions and their own ability to

navigate life and its challenges with resilience.

They are usually in touch with their emotions but do not become
overwhelmed by them. They are able to effectively emotionally
self-regulate and have the self-awareness to observe themselves
when in a state of trigger.
 Anxious Attachment:
Overview

Anxious attachment is characterised by high needs for love,

connection and intimacy.

Tend to be very focused on their relationship and often worry that

they are going to be abandoned.

Struggle with uncertainty and prone to catastrophising,

overthinking and overanalysing minor details of situations.

Usually struggle with jealousy and comparison.

Can be quite hypervigilant and monitor for cues that something is

wrong and their partner is on the brink of leaving them.

Tend to take things personally (e.g. if partner is in a bad mood).

Poor boundaries (and will often feel hurt by others' boundaries).

Will often test their partner to seek to elicit reassurance.

Struggle with communicating needs for fear of being "too much".

Don't know how to safely experience conflict in relationship.

Difficulty in self-soothing & self-regulating when distressed.

 Anxious Attachment:
Origins

Whereas secure attachment is characterised by stable, consistent

attunement to a child's needs, a common theme in the anxiously
attached child's environment is inconsistency. For example, a
parent might sometimes be very loving and doting upon the child,
and other times be absent, distracted or overwhelmed by the
child's needs.

The inconsistency prompts the child to become very attuned to

the parent's response, experimenting with different cues and
behaviours in an effort to get their needs met and thereby create
safety for themselves.

Ultimately this manifests in an excessive focus on the other person

and their needs, often leading to frustration at the unpredictability
of the situation and overwhelm at the emotional energy expended.

Other dynamics that can breed anxious attachment include poor

boundaries, parent-child role reversal, or a child otherwise having
to take on a parenting role (eg, for younger siblings). Each of these
foster an abandonment of the child's needs in favour of another.
 Anxious Attachment in
Adulthood

For anxiously attached people, life revolves heavily around

relationships. They have a strong preference for high levels of
physical and emotional intimacy, and tend to prioritise their
relationship, often above all or most other pillars of their life (such as
work or friendships).

The anxious person's extreme focus on their relationship manifests in

overanalysing, theorising about their partner's behaviour, and
dwelling in the past. They may be insecure about their partner's exes,
and become very hung up on comparisons and perceived
shortcomings. They are more prone to jealousy than other types.

Anxious-preoccupied people often downplay their needs and

emotions so as to not scare people off with their intensity. This often
leads to unexpressed frustration around perceived asymmetries in
effort and contribution to the relationship, which can bubble to the
surface during arguments. Anxious people are known to keep score
without raising issues directly.

In conflict, an anxious-preoccupied person will usually seek to stay

connected and talk through the issue immediately, and they will not
want to exit a conversation until "peace" is restored. This is so even
when they were the one to raise the complaint or start the fight.
 Dismissive-Avoidant
Attachment: Overview

Staunchly independent and very protective of their autonomy.

Discomfort with vulnerability & emotional intimacy - may associate

emotionality with weakness.

Often believes that everyone should be responsible for meeting

their own needs & feels uncomfortable being relied upon.

Can have very rigid boundaries and be quite black & white in their
values and expectations of others

Usually outwardly confident, charismatic and successful.

Very sensitive to blame, criticism or feeling like someone is trying to

control or change them.

They fear and will resist emotional closeness, which manifests as a

tendency to retreat, make excuses or sabotage when someone
tries to get too close to them.

Will be more comfortable communicating with actions than words.

Very conflict-averse - will avoid conflict if possible, or may shut

down or go "blank" during conflict
 Dismissive-Avoidant
Attachment: Origins

Dismissive-avoidant attachment is understood to stem from a

childhood dynamic where the child's (emotional) needs were rejected
or denied, whether directly or due to the parent's absence.

Having had their needs denied by the carer/s, the child learns early
on that they must tend to their own needs, becoming highly self-
sufficient and independent.

This independence may be viewed as a behavioural adaptation that

the child developed to protect themselves against the hurt and
disappointment that came from being neglected or rejected by their
parent figure.

Parents of dismissive-avoidant children will often themselves have an

avoidant attachment style, which may show up as teaching the child
that emotions are trivial, indulgent, or a waste of time.

A dismissive-avoidant person will not likely have grown up with much

(if any) express emotional guidance or nurturance from their
parents.
 Dismissive-Avoidant
Attachment in Adulthood

In adulthood, dismissive-avoidant attachment is characterised by a

belief in self-sufficiency.

This tendency can often lead the dismissive-avoidant to exhibit

behaviours that are perceived by others as selfish or uncaring, when
in reality they are often oblivious that they are missing others' cues
for attention. They are simply unaccustomed to the concept of being
attuned to and focused on others, as they did not learn this healthy
interdependency as children.

It is common for dismissive-avoidants to perceive their partner's

emotional needs as an unwelcome imposition on their autonomy.
They often see their partners as overbearing, demanding and needy,
and will deploy distancing behaviours once they feel a partner is
getting too close.

Avoidants often have an outwardly high opinion of themselves and a

relatively low opinion of their partner, often attributing blame to their
partner for causing all the "drama" in the relationship.

Avoidants are typically overrepresented in the dating pool, as they

tend to cycle through relationships more quickly than other types.
 Fearful-Avoidant
Attachment: Overview

Also referred to as disorganised attachment.

Exhibits both anxious & avoidant traits, creating a push-pull

between which can lead to erratic and inconsistent behaviour.

Desire to seek out intimacy, coupled with a deep fear of

abandonment and rejection.

Often struggles with hypervigilance, and has difficulty trusting

people due to a fear of betrayal.

May become overwhelmed and pull away or self-sabotage when

things get intimate or vulnerable.

Carries a lot of guilt and shame, and can struggle with feelings of
brokenness or defectiveness.

Values depth and intensity in their relationships.

Will often exhibit people-pleasing behaviours and poor boundaries

up to a point, then become overwhelmed and "clamp down" hard
on their boundaries.

Can be quite fiery, reactive and defensive, and can struggle with
anger.
 Fearful-Avoidant
Attachment: Origins

Fearful-avoidant attachment typically develops where the child's

caregiver was both a source of safety and a source of danger or
fear. At one end of the spectrum, this can look like abusive family
systems, but it can also develop in less extreme environments where
there is substantial dysfunction, chaos or high stress (for example, a
parent struggling with addiction or their own mental health issues, or
a family who is moving house regularly due to financial duress and
lack of security).

This unpredictability and chaos creates an inner turmoil for the child,
who is trapped between wanting to go to their parent for safety while
simultaneously being unsure of what they will get back from them.

The caregiver of a fearful-avoidant child may have highly erratic

behaviour, leading the child to flip-flop between anxious attention-
seeking and avoidant withdrawal.

The child usually develops a level of hypervigilance and extreme

attunement to what's going on in their environment - a sense of
being on high alert to assess whether they are safe or whether there
is a threat.
 Fearful-Avoidant
Attachment in Adulthood

Fearful-avoidants seek out intimacy and desire to be in a

relationship, yet are very easily triggered by emotional closeness
once in a relationship. They tend to be highly emotional and struggle
to self-regulate, which can result in turbulent, high-conflict
relationships.

They will often open up emotionally in a bid to seek connection via

depth, and then panic and shut down - which pattern can be a
source of conflict in itself. They are prone to dissociation, lack of
presence and difficulty concentrating.

Fearful-avoidants will often display hypervigilance to perceived

threats or impending danger. They will seek to establish control over
situations and may appear inflexible or rigid as a result.

The fearful-avoidant tends to experience chronic feelings of guilt,

shame and inadequacy. They will often seek to combat these
perceived shortcomings by channelling all their energy and focus into
pursuits that they feel they can control and be competent at. This is
the fearful- avoidant's way of trying to demonstrate their worth and
impact in a tangible, objective way.
 Want to go deeper?

Thanks again for downloading this guide! I trust it's

been helpful in giving you a solid understanding of
attachment theory and attachment styles.

If you want to go deeper, you can:

follow me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg

tune in to my podcast, On Attachment.

check out my range of courses &

masterclasses on all things attachment, love &
relationships at stephanierigg.com

Steph
xxx