Dating and romantic relationships

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As social beings, relationships play a significant role in our lives.
Throughout our lives, we are constantly affected by our relationships
with others. Relationships can vary in several ways. There are good
relationships, bad relationships, healthy or unhealthy relationships,
friendships, and romantic relationships, all of which contribute to who we
are. As Settersten (2015) points out in his research, our identity,
opportunities, and actions are all intertwined with our relationships.
Because relationships play such an important role in our lives it is crucial
that we understand them. Settersten (2015) further explains the
changing dynamics of relationships, composed of a beginning, middle,
and an end to a relationship and how these changing dynamics also
impact how we feel about others and ourselves.

As early as adolescence, romantic relationships begin to impact our lives.

We admire romance due to its presence in our society. From fairy tales to
celebrity weddings on the cover of magazines, romantic relationships are
present in our lives regardless of whether we ourselves are in one.
Starting at young ages, we aspire to find a romantic partner.

Dating can serve eight functions (Paul & White,

1990):

1. Dating can be a form of recreation. Adolescents who date seem to have

fun and see dating as a source of enjoyment and recreation.

2. Dating is a source of status and achievement. Part of the social

comparison process in adolescence involves evaluating the status of the
people one dates: Are they the best looking, the most popular, and so
forth?

3. Dating is part of the socialization process in adolescence: It helps the

adolescent to learn how to get along with others and assists them in
learning manners and sociable behavior.

4. Dating involves learning about intimacy and serves as an opportunity

to establish a unique, meaningful relationship with a person of the
opposite sex.

5. Dating can be a context for sexual experimentation and exploration.

6. Dating can provide companionship through interaction and shared

activities in an opposite-sex relationship.

7. Dating experiences contribute to identity formation and development;

dating helps adolescents to clarify their identity and to separate from
their families of origin.

8. Dating can be a means of mate sorting and selection, thereby retaining

its original courtship function.

TYPES OF DATING AND DEVELOPMENTAL

CHANGES

A number of dating variations and developmental changes characterize

dating and romantic relationships. First, we examine heterosexual
romantic relationships and then turn to romantic relationships among
sexual minority youth (gay and lesbian adolescents).
Heterosexual Romantic Relationships

Three stages characterize the development of romantic relationships in

adolescence (Connolly & McIsaac, 2009):

1. Entry into romantic attractions and affiliations at about 11 to 13 years

of age. This initial stage is triggered by puberty. From 11 to 13 years old,
adolescents become intensely interested in romance, and it dominates
many conversations with same-sex friends. Developing a crush on
someone is common, and the crush oft en is shared with a same-sex
friend. Young adolescents may or may not interact with the individual
who is the object of their infatuation. When dating occurs, it usually
takes place in a group setting.

2. Exploring romantic relationships at approximately 14 to 16 years of

age. At this point in adolescence, casual dating and dating in groups—
two types of romantic involvement—occur. Casual dating emerges
between individuals who are mutually attracted. These dating
experiences are often short-lived, last a few months at best, and usually
endure for only a few weeks. Dating in groups is common and reflects
embeddedness in the peer context. Friends often act as a third-party
facilitator of a potential dating relationship by communicating their
friend’s romantic interest and confirming whether this attraction is
reciprocated.

3. Consolidating dyadic romantic bonds at about 17 to 19 years of age. At

the end of the high school years, more serious romantic relationships
develop. This stage is characterized by strong emotional bonds more
closely resembling those in adult romantic relationships. These bonds
often are more stable and enduring than earlier bonds, typically lasting
one year or more.
Two variations on these stages in the development of romantic
relationships in adolescence involve early and late bloomers (Connolly &
McIsaac, 2009). Early bloomers include 15 to 20 percent of 11- to 13-
year-olds who say that they currently are in a romantic relationship and
35 percent who indicate that they have had some prior experience in
romantic relationships. Late bloomers comprise approximately 10
percent of 17- to 19-year-olds who say that they have had no experience
with romantic relationships and another 15 percent who report that they
have not engaged in any romantic relationships that lasted more than
four months. In one study, announcing that “I like someone” occurred by
the sixth grade for about 40 percent of the individuals sampled
(Buhrmester, 2001) (see Figure 9.5). However, it was not until the tenth
grade that 50 percent of the adolescents had a sustained romantic
relationship that lasted two months or longer. By their senior year, 25
percent still had not engaged in this type of sustained romantic
relationship. In another study, a rather large portion of adolescents in a
steady dating relationship said that their steady relationship had
persisted 11 months or longer: 20 percent of adolescents 14 or younger,
35 percent of 15- to 16-year-olds, and almost 60 percent of 17- and 18-
year-olds (Carver, Joyner, & Udry, 2003).

Adolescents often find comfort in numbers in their early exploration of

romantic relationships (Connolly & McIsaac, 2009). Th ey may begin
hanging out together in heterosexual groups. Sometimes they just hang
out at someone’s house or get organized enough to ask an adult to drive
them to a mall or a movie. A special concern in early dating and “going
with” someone is the associated risk for adolescent pregnancy and
problems at home and school.
EMOTION, ADJUSTMENT, AND ROMANTIC
RELATIONSHIPS

Romantic emotions can envelop adolescents’ and emerging adults’ lives

(Crissey, 2009). In some cases, these emotions are positive, in others
negative. A concern is that in some cases the negative emotions are so
intense and prolonged that they can lead to adjustment problems.

Emotions in Romantic Relationships

Romantic relationships often are involved in an adolescent’s emotional

experiences. In one study of ninth- to twelft h-graders, girls gave real and
fantasized heterosexual relationships as the explanation for more than
one-third of their strong emotions, and boys gave this reason for 25
percent of their strong emotions (Wilson-Shockley, 1995). Strong
emotions were attached far less to school (13 percent), family (9
percent), and same-sex peer relations (8 percent). The majority of the
emotions were reported as positive, but a substantial minority (42
percent), were reported as negative, including feelings of anxiety, anger,
jealousy, and depression. Adolescents who had a boyfriend or girlfriend
reported wider daily emotional swings than their counterparts who did
not (Richards & Larson, 1990). In a period of three days, one eleventh-
grade girl went from feeling “happy because I’m with Dan” to upset,
because they had a “huge fight” and “he won’t listen to me and keeps
hanging up on me” to feeling “suicidal because of the fight” to feeling
“happy because everything between me and Dan is fine.”
Dating and Adjustment

Researchers have linked dating and romantic relationships with various

measures of how well-adjusted adolescents are (Connolly & McIsaac,
2009; Vujeva & Furman, 2011).

Consider the following studies:

• Th e more romantic experiences tenth-graders had, the more they

reported higher levels of social acceptance, friendship competence, and
romantic competence; however, having more romantic experience also
was linked to a higher level of substance use, delinquency, and sexual
behavior (Furman, Low, & Ho, 2009).

• Adolescent girls’ higher frequency of dating was linked to having

depressive symptoms and emotionally unavailable parents (Steinberg &
Davila, 2008).

• Adolescent girls who engaged in co-rumination (excessive discussion of

problems with friends) were more likely to be involved in a romantic
relationship, and together co-rumination and romantic involvement
predicted an increase in depressive symptoms (Starr & Davila, 2009).

• Among adolescent girls but not adolescent males, having an older

romantic partner was linked to an increase in depressive symptoms,
largely influenced by an increase in substance use (Haydon & Halpern,
2010).

• Adolescents with a stronger romantic involvement were more likely to

engage in delinquency than their counterparts with a lower level of
romantic involvement (Cui & others, 2012).
Dating and romantic relationships at an early age can be especially
problematic (Connolly & McIsaac, 2009). Researchers have found that
early dating and “going with” someone are linked with adolescent
pregnancy and problems at home and school (Florsheim, Moore, &
Edgington, 2003).

GENDER AND CULTURE

Dating and romantic relationships may vary according to gender and

culture.

Gender

Male and female adolescents bring different motivations to the dating

experience.
Candice Feiring (1996) found that Fifteen-year-old girls were more likely
to describe
romance in terms of interpersonal qualities; boys described it in terms of
physical attraction. For young adolescents, the affiliative qualities of
companionship, intimacy, and support were frequently mentioned as
positive dimensions of romantic relationships, but love and security were
not. Also, the young adolescents described physical attraction more in
terms of being cute, pretty, or handsome than in terms of sexuality (such
as being a good kisser). Possibly, however, the failure to discuss sexual
interests was due to the adolescents’ discomfort in talking about such
personal feelings with an unfamiliar adult.

Dating scripts are the cognitive models that adolescents and adults use
to guide and evaluate dating interactions. In one study, first dates were
highly scripted along gender lines (Rose & Frieze, 1993). Males followed
a proactive dating script, females a reactive one. The male’s script
involved initiating the date (asking for and planning it), controlling the
public domain (driving and opening doors), and initiating sexual
interaction (making physical contact, making out, and kissing). The
female’s script focused on the private domain (concern about
appearance, enjoying the date), participating in the structure of the date
provided by the male (being picked up, having doors opened), and
responding to his sexual gestures. These gender differences give males
more power in the initial stage of a relationship.

Ethnicity and Culture

The sociocultural context exerts a powerful influence on adolescent

dating patterns and on mate selection. Values and religious beliefs of
people in various cultures often dictate the age at which dating begins,
how much freedom in dating is allowed, the extent to which dates are
chaperoned by parents or other adults, and the respective roles of males
and females in dating. In the Arab world, Asian countries, and South
America, adults are typically highly restrictive of adolescent girls’
romantic relationships.

In one study, Latino young adults living in the midwestern region of the
United States reflected on their socialization for dating and sexuality
(Raffaelli & Ontai, 2001). Because most of their parents viewed U.S.-style
dating as a violation of traditional courtship styles, strict boundaries
were imposed on youths’ romantic involvements. As a result, many of the
Latinos described their adolescent dating experiences as filled with
tension and conflict. The average age at which the girls began dating was
15.7 years, with early dating experiences usually occurring without
parental knowledge or permission. Over half of the girls engaged in
“sneak dating.”
Emerging adulthood not only is a time when changes often take place in
romantic relationships; it also is a time characterized by residential and
lifestyle changes. In 2000, approximately one half of U.S. 18- to 24-year-
olds were living with their parents or other relatives, whereas about one-
fourth of the 18- to 24-year-olds had formed their own households and
another one-fourth were living with nonrelatives, such as roommates or
an unmarried partner (Jekielek & Brown, 2005).

A striking social change in recent decades is the decreased stigma

attached to individuals who do not maintain what were long considered
conventional families. Emerging adults today choose many lifestyles and
form many types of families (Benokraitis, 2011; Kunz, 2011). Th ey live
alone, cohabit, marry, divorce, or live with someone of the same sex.