3.

Understanding Harmony in Family

Every human being is born in a family and is part of a family. The family is the basic unit
or building block of human organisation. It provides a base for appreciating, accepting,
understanding and practicing to live in relationship and harmony (order).

Feeling of Relationship as the Basis for Harmony in the Family

The harmony in the family has primarily to do with the fulfilment of relationship between
one human being and the other human being. In order to fulfil relationship, it is necessary
to understand relationship.

Understanding Relationship
We will now explore into the four important aspects of relationship:
1. Relationship is – between one Self (I1) and another Self (I2)
2. There are feelings in relationship – in one Self (I1) for the other Self (I2)
3. These feelings can be recognised – they are definite
4. The fulfilment of these feelings and their right evaluation lead to mutual happiness

1. Relationship is – between one Self (I1) and another Self (I2)

Relationship is already there. We do not have to construct or create relationship. All we
need to do is to understand relationship and fulfil it.

Relationship is between one Self and the other Self. It is the Self which is recognizing the
relationship, and not the Body. It is the Self which relates to the other, and not the Body.

2. There are feelings in relationship – in one Self (I1) for the other Self (I2)
The important issue in human relationship is that of the feelings. We can see that feelings
are in the Self, not in the Body. It is the Self which has the feelings and which recognises
the feelings. To understand relationship, one has to understand the Self and the naturally
acceptable feelings in the Self.

3. These feelings can be recognised – they are definite

These feelings can be recognised, they are definite. There are nine feelings in
relationship. These are the feelings which we can understand, which we can ensure within
ourselves, which we can share with others and thus ensure mutual fulfilment in
relationship. These are the feelings which are naturally acceptable to us in the relationship
with the other human being.

Feelings (values) in relationship:

1. Trust (foundation value)
2. Respect
3. Affection
4. Care
5. Guidance
6. Reverence
7. Glory
8. Gratitude
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 9. Love (complete value)
4. Fulfilment of feelings in relationship and their evaluation leads to mutual happiness
When we have these naturally acceptable feelings in the Self, we share them with the other
and when we are both able to evaluate the feelings rightly, it leads to mutual happiness,
i.e. the happiness of oneself as well as the happiness of the other.

Appraisal of the Current Status

The problem today is that we assume ourselves to be the Body and we assume the
relationship on the basis of the Body (and not the feelings). We, therefore, fail to
understand relationship and consequently, we fail to fulfil it, despite all our good
intentions. The problems are due to absence of one or more of the right feelings in the
Self. And we try to make up this gap by physical facility or by trying to demand these
feelings from others, rather than ensuring these feelings in ourselves and sharing it with
others.

The Way Ahead

First, we need to righty recognize the relationship, identify the naturally acceptable
feelings in relationship, understand these feelings and ensure that these feelings are there
in us. This will ensure happiness in us. Secondly, we have to share these feelings with the
other. Because this is naturally acceptable to the other as well, it will lead to happiness in
the other also. Thus, it will lead to mutual happiness. And that is how the fulfilment in
relationship takes place.

Key Takeaways
Relationship already exists – we don’t have to create it; rather we only have to recognise
and fulfil it. The family is the basic unit of human-human interaction. The basic issue in
family is that of relationship. In relationship, there are nine feelings (values) that can be
clearly understood and lived with. There is harmony in the family, mutual happiness in
the family, when we understand the feelings and ensure in our living.

'Trust' – the Foundational Value in Relationship

Now we will explore the first feeling, which is the foundational feeling (value) in
relationship.
Feeling of Trust

Trust is to be assured that the other intends to make me happy and prosperous.
In order to understand trust, examine these eight statements:
1a. Do I want to make myself happy? 1b. Am I able to make myself always happy?2a. Do I
want to make the other happy? 2b. Am I able to make the other always
happy?
3a. Does the other want to make himself/ 3b. Is the other able to make himself/herself
herself happy? always happy?
4a. Does the other want to make me happy? 4b. Is the other able to make me always
happy?
Intention (Natural Acceptance) Competence
What is the answer? What is the answer?
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The questions 1a to 4a relate to natural acceptance, the intention. Questions 1b to 4b
relate to the competence, the ability. By and large, as far as the statements about the
intention, i.e. natural acceptance, are concerned, there is a tick mark in 1a, 2a and 3a, and
there is a question mark in 4a. When we look at the competence, at the ability, there is a
question mark, right from the beginning – there is a question mark on 1b, 2b, 3b; on 4b
there is a big question mark.

Distinguishing between Intention and Competence

Now if you try to analyse your own responses, many things will get clarified. You’ll find
that while evaluating yourself, you evaluate on the basis of your intention (natural
acceptance). You think that you are a good person as your intentions are good. On the
other hand, when you evaluate the other, you evaluate him on the basis of his/her
competence. You find that s(he) is not able to make you happy all the time. Many times,
or most of the time he ends up making you unhappy. Therefore, you think that the other
wants to make you unhappy. You have a doubt on other’s intention.
On the basis of lack of competence, we conclude about the lack of intention of the other.
When we doubt their intention, instead of accepting the other as a relative, we have a
feeling of opposition. This is the common mistake that we make in relationship today.

Now that we have clarity about intention and competence, explore this question:
If you have unconditional, continuous trust on intention, on the natural acceptance of the
other and if the other is lacking competence, what will you do?
a) Try to improve upon his competence
b) Get irritated
c) Get angry
d) Have a feeling of opposition

The answer is obviously (a). It is a response which indicates trust on intention. All
other answers are reactions based on doubt on intention.

Now with these indicators, find out how many people are there in your life on whom
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you
 have trust on intention (natural acceptance) which is unconditional and continuous.

Generally, we don’t see intention and competence separately. Since competence is

generally lacking, the feeling of unconditional acceptance is almost completely missing;
rather there is a feeling of opposition. With that, we reinforce wrong assumptions like:
 Strangers can’t be trusted (?)
 Trust is developed over a long-time (?)
 Never trust anyone (?)

Thus, if we are able to see intention and competence distinctly, we will be able to place a
tick mark in 4a. We will be assured of the intention of the other human being. And with that,
we will make a programme of interaction with right evaluation of our competence and their
competence (so, this is not ‘blind’ trust).

With the feeling of trust, one is able to see it clearly that the intention is same for all, to
be happy and make other happy. The only difference lies in the level of competence.

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Key Takeaways
Trust is to be assured that the other has a natural acceptance (intention) to make me happy
and prosperous. Trust on intention is the foundation of relationship. It is the beginning of
mutual development. A common mistake is to evaluate oneself on the basis of one’s
intention (and conclude that I am good) and the other on the basis of their lack of
competence (thus doubt their intention and conclude that the other is bad).

Respect– As the Right Evaluation

Out of the nine feelings in relationship, we tried to understand the feeling of Trust. With
trust on intention, the relationship starts. We will now explore the feeling of respect. Let
us see, when do we feel respected? How do I respect others?

Feeling of Respect

Respect is right evaluation.

When we are rightly evaluated, we feel respected. When we are not rightly evaluated, we
feel disrespected.

Disrespect can take place in three ways:

Over evaluation – evaluating for more than what it is
Under evaluation – evaluating for less than what it is
Otherwise evaluation – evaluating for other than what
it is

If we look at our day-to-day behavior, we generally tend to do one of these three – over
evaluation, under evaluation or otherwise evaluation. If any of these three takes place, the
other person feels uncomfortable, disrespected.

Minimum Content of Respect – The Other is Similar to Me

When we evaluate the human being on the basis of Self, we are able to see that:
1. Our purpose is the same – As I have a natural acceptance to live with continuous
happiness and prosperity, it is same with the other. So, on the basis of our natural
acceptance, we have the same purpose.
2. Our programme is same – As my programme to achieve continuous happiness and
prosperity is to understand the harmony and live in harmony at all levels of my
being (from human being to the entire existence), it is same with the other. In that
sense, our programme to fulfil our purpose is also same.

3. Our potential is same – As I am endowed with natural acceptance and the

activities of desire, thought and expectation are going on continuously in me, it is
the same with the other. So, our potential is also same.

Thus, we can see that the other (Self) is similar to me. This is the minimum content of
respect for a human being. 5
Disrespect Arising out of Differentiation leading to Discrimination
In general, what we are doing in the name of respect today is differentiating and
discriminating.

First set of differentiation is on the basis of body– on the basis of age, gender, race and
physical strength. This is based on the gross misunderstanding that human being = Body.
The truth is that human being = co-existence of the Self and the Body.

The second set of differentiation is made on the basis of physical facility – on the basis of
wealth and post. The gross misunderstanding here is that physical facility = happiness.
The truth is that happiness is to be in a state of harmony.

The third basis of differentiation is on the basis of beliefs – on the basis of different
isms (thought systems like socialism, capitalism, etc.), different sects, and different sets
of information prevalent in the society. This is founded on the misunderstanding that if
the pre-conditioning of the other matches with mine, then the other is respectable,
otherwise not. The truth is that pre-conditioning and right understanding are two different
things.

All this differentiation ultimately leads to discrimination, which is disrespect because it is

not naturally acceptable.

Complete Content of Respect – We are Complementary to Each Other

At the level of the Self, only the competence could be different. Competence means how
much of the potential of the Self has been realized. One Self may have realized more of
its potential, while another may have realized less of its potential.

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This difference in competence is to be complementary to each other (not to discriminate
and exploit each other).

The complete content of respect is to be able to see that ‘the other is similar to me and
we are complementary’.

Defining one’s complementarity:

 If the other has more understanding, is more responsible than me, I’m committed to
understand from the other
 If I have more understanding than the other, I’m more responsible than the other. I
live with responsibility with the other, unconditionally, unperturbed by the
behaviour of the other. I am committed to facilitate the understanding in the other,
once the other is assured in relationship and not before that

The complete content of respect is

 The other is similar to me in terms of purpose, programme and potential and
 We are complementary to each other in terms of competence

Thus, respect is right evaluation (of intention and competence on the basis of Self). We
are similar at the level of purpose, programme and potential and we are complementary at
the level of competence.

Disrespect arises out of over-evaluation, under-evaluation or otherwise-evaluation; and

also, out of differentiation leading to discrimination on the basis of body, physical facility
or beliefs. Small incidents of disrespect can have long-lasting consequences – from not
speaking to each other, to opposition, break in relationship, divorce, fights and even war.

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With the complete understanding of respect, we can see for every individual on the earth
that we all are the same in terms of intention, program and potential. The only difference
may lie in the level of competence. I may be having higher level of competence in
relation to one, but may be having lower level of competence in relation to another. With
this evaluation, one can work out the program to be complimentary to the other
All the specific characteristics at the level of Body, physical facility, belief etc. can be
used to express that complementarity.
e.g. a person with greater physical strength do the heavy work
e.g. a person at a higher post can work for the development of more people and so on
Other Naturally Acceptable Feelings in Relationship
In the previous three lectures, we explored the feelings of trust and respect. Now, we will
discuss other feelings, and understand our participation in the family.

3. Affection
Affection is the feeling of being related to the other.
Affection is the feeling of acceptance for the other as one’s relative. Lack of affection is
seen in the form of opposition, jealousy, etc. The feelings of trust and respect are
essential to have the feeling of affection. When we have the feelings of trust, we feel
related to the other; otherwise we may feel opposed to the other.

4. Care
Care is the feeling of responsibility and commitment for nurturing and protection of
the Body of my relative.
With the feeling of affection, one naturally takes the responsibility for development of the
relative – both at the level of Self as well as at the level of Body. Being responsible to the
Body of one’s relative is Care.
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5. Guidance
Guidance is the feeling of responsibility and commitment for development of Self by
ensuring the right understanding and right feeling in the Self of my relative.
Being responsible to the Self of my relative is Guidance.
Generally, our focus is mostly on care because we have come to assume that human being
is Body. We are not even aware of the Self. Therefore, we are not aware that we have to
take care of the Self as well.

6. Reverence
Reverence is the feeling of acceptance for excellence.
Excellence is to be in a state of continuous happiness with the completeness of
understanding of harmony and living in harmony at all levels. Once we achieve
excellence, it continues. Excellence.

There is a basic difference between working for excellence and competition. If you have
achieved excellence, you would naturally make effort for helping others to achieve
excellence. On the other hand, in competition, we not only do not help rather we hinder
the other to reach to our level.

7. Glory
Glory is the feeling of acceptance for those who have made effort for excellence.
For all those people whom we call great people, when we accept the effort made for
excellence by them, to whatever extent they are able to achieve it, we naturally have a
feeling of glory for them.

8. Gratitude
Gratitude is the feeling of acceptance for those who have made the effort for my
excellence.
In our life, there may be so many people who have been of help to us in the process of
understanding harmony and living in harmony. So, we have this feeling of gratitude for
them. Gratitude is a significant feeling in the development of relationship.
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 9. Love
Love is the feeling of being related to everyone, to all. It starts from affection, which we
have already explored. If this feeling expands to many and ultimately to all, it is the
feeling of love. So, we begin with the feeling of affection, and complete it with the
feeling of love. That is why, Love is called complete value.

Love is the feeling of being related to all.

Love is expressed in the form of compassion. The feeling of love is for all and it is
expressed to whosoever comes in contact.

Distinguishing Between Love and Infatuation

The feeling of love is not something which is based on sensation. If there is a feeling on
the basis of sensation, this is the case of infatuation where the sensual pleasure becomes
the major goal. Infatuation is conditional – it may last only as long as you are able to get
the sensation or you have hope of getting happiness through sensation. It is very
temporary; it does not last for long. Once the effect wears off, then the long-term issues
of feelings become prominent.

Right Feeling – within Myself or from the Other?

With this background, we can ask ourselves which can have continuity:
 Right feeling in myself or
 Getting right feeling from the other
The answer is quite obvious that there can be continuity of right feeling, if it is from
within and based on right understanding. But generally, we do keep making effort for
getting right feeling from the other in continuity.

Role of Physical Facility in Fulfilment of Relationship

You can now see that physical facility has a limited role to play in the fulfilment of the feeling
in human- human relationship. To fulfil the feeling of care, physical facility is certainly
required. For other than the feeling of care, physical facility only has a symbolic role to play.

Response and Reaction in Behaviour

An important implication of understanding relationship, particularly trust on intention, is
the clarity about problems in living in reaction and the possibility of living with response.
With response, your conduct is definite while with reaction, the conduct is indefinite.

My Participation (Value) in Family

My participation (value) vis-à-vis my family is to ensure harmony in the family, ensure
mutual happiness, ensure justice in the family by way of:
 Ensuring right feelings (trust, respect, affection, care, guidance, reverence, glory,
gratitude and love) in myself – this leads to my happiness.

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  Expressing (sharing) these feelings with the other. When the other is able to make
the right evaluation of these feelings, it leads to his/her happiness, thus leading to
mutual happiness. My participation is to be of help to the other in their self-
evolution, self-development.

With this preparation in the family, I have the ability to participate meaningfully in the
larger society – in the neighbourhood, in the community and so on.

Justice in Relationship
With the above discussion, justice can be understood.

Justice is the recognition, fulfilment and evaluation of human-human relationship,

leading to mutual happiness.

To expand it a bit:
 Recognition of relationship means recognizing the naturally acceptable feelings in
relationship rightly.
 Fulfilment of relationship means
o Ensuring the naturally acceptable feelings in oneself.
o Living with responsibility with the other with these feelings, forming the
basis of relationship. This makes the other comfortable and assured.
o Making effort for mutual development, i.e. development of one’s own
competence and being of help to the other in developing their competence.
 Evaluation means verifying that I have the right feeling, I am able to express it
properly, the right feeling has reached to the other and the other is able to identify it
as the right feeling.

When the recognition, fulfilment and evaluation are right from my side, I feel happy.
When the other is able to evaluate the expression of my feeling rightly, then (s)he also
feels happy. Developing this competence may take time.

Justice is desirable in the family and beyond the family, all the way to the world family.

Key Takeaways
The other feelings in relationship include affection, care, guidance, reverence, glory,
gratitude and love. Love is the feeling of acceptance of all; it is the complete value.
Justice is ensuring these feelings in oneself and expressing them to the other, leading to
mutual happiness. Justice begins from family and extends to the world family, leading to
undivided society.

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