Marital Therapy

A Gospel-Based Approach

Douglas E. Brinley, PhD

Books by the Author:

First Comes Love, Douglas E. Brinley, Mark D. Ogletree

Then Comes Marriage, Mark D. Ogletree, Douglas E. Brinley
Between Husband Wife: Gospel Perspectives on Marital Intimacy, Stephen Lamb, Douglas E.
Brinley
America’s Hope, Douglas E. Brinley
Single in a Married Church, Doug Brinley, Anne Woelkers
Eternal Companions, eds. Douglas E. Brinley, Daniel K Judd
Eternal Families, eds. Douglas E. Brinley, Daniel K Judd
Toward a Celestial Marriage, Douglas E. Brinley
Strengthening Your Marriage and Family, Douglas E. Brinley
Together Forever: Gospel Perspectives for Marriage and Family, Douglas E. Brinley
Living a Covenant Marriage: Practical Advice from Thirteen Experts Who’ve Walked in Your
Shoes, eds. Douglas E. Brinley, Daniel K Judd
A Marital Tune-up Kit, Douglas E. Brinley, Dave Brinley

Cover :
First printing: July, 2018
Printed by One Stop CD Shop, LLC, 3149 S. State Street, Ste. A, Salt Lake City, Utah 84125

Copyright, 2018. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any format or in any medium without the
written permission of the author: Douglas E. Brinley, 1374 E 2300 North, Provo, UT 84604. This work is not an official
publication of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The views expressed within this work are the sole responsibility
of the author.

ISBN 978-1-5323-7953-6

1
 Marital Therapy
Marital: Adj. Relating to marriage or the relationship of a
married couple that function as husband and wife in a
consensual and contractual relationship recognized
by law.

Ther-a-py: noun. Treatment intended to relieve or heal; a

treatment, remedy, cure.

Temple Marriage: noun. The state of being united to a

person of the opposite sex as husband and wife in a
Latter-day Saint temple ordinance sealed by
priesthood authority for ‘time and all eternity.’

Gospel: noun. The ‘good news;’ the teachings of Jesus

Christ as recorded in scripture; the doctrines of the
Restoration of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-
day Saints.

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 TABLE OF CONTENTS

Introduction ……………………………………………………………………………6

1. Chapter 1: Marriage--The Great Adventure of Mortality…...……………………. 10

2. Chapter 2: Twin Tragedies…………………………………………………………14

3. Chapter 3: Marital Therapy – A Gospel-Based Approach…………………………20

4. Chapter 4: The Basis for Resolving Marital Issues………………………………...24

5. Chapter 5: The Doctrine of the Godhead – Elohim a Husband and Father………...38

6. Chapter 6: The Godhead: Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost…..……………………46

7. Chapter 7: The Father’s Plan of Salvation………………………………………….54

8. Chapter 8: Why Latter-day Saints Must Marry in the Temple……………………...64

9. Chapter 9: A Review of Doctrines on Marriage and Families………..…………….72

10. Chapter 10: Marital Roles – How We Get Into Marital Jams……………………..74

11. Chapter 11: Marital and Family Communication—Important Elements………….86

12. Chapter 12: Marital Intimacy……………………………………………………...96

13. Chapter 13: The Joy of Intimacy - the Golden Years...…………………………..106

14. Chapter 14: What Happily Married Couples Do to Enrich Their Marriages……..116

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 Preface
Marriage is the crowning ordinance of the gospel of Jesus Christ. For married couples
therefore, the need to establish a strong, stable relationship within the gospel framework should
be among the highest of priorities. My passion in life has been to help couples stay in love, learn
to cherish one another, and to deal in healthy ways with the myriad challenges that mortality
throws at them to test their resolve and commitments to each other and to the family enterprise.

My effort here is to help husbands and wives understand the doctrinal basis for marriage and
then apply its principles to strengthen their relationships. Heavenly parents are also anxious
for our success because mortality was designed by Deity to prepare couples for an eternal
inheritance among exalted god-couples who are still involved in family matters (Moses
1:39). After we are resurrected and no longer subject to death, marriage is no longer a ‘til
death do us part’ union, the only kind practiced by others. Marriage can be forever!

My goal for LDS couples is best described by Elder David B. Haight: “A few years ago I sat
in the Los Angeles Temple in a little sealing room with my wife, Ruby. We had our sons there
with their wives—they’d been married just for a short time—and our sweet daughter was
kneeling at the altar, holding the hand of the young man she was to be sealed to. And as I looked
around the room I then realized that this was the great moment of my life because I had in that
room everything that was precious to me—everything. My wife was there, my eternal sweetheart
and companion. Our three children were there with their eternal companions. And I thought,
David, in your youth you had things all wrong. You thought some worldly event of some kind
might be the great event of your life. But now, I was witnessing that great event. I was there,
I was feeling it, I felt a part of it, and I knew in that little white sealing room—clean, sweet,
pure in that room—with all of my family there that this was the great moment of my life”
(“Hymn of the Obedient: All is Well,” Ensign, November 1997, 70).

If this goal does not appear to be within reach here and now, never give up hope; never quit
trying to influence children and grandchildren to seek the blessings available to the faithful. Our
hope is that some progress will take place later in the spirit world existence (D&C 138:58-59.)

I have covered a number of topics here and my hope is that you will first read the entire
volume through; then when issues arise that require a review of a principle or concept, you
know where to look. For example, should you as a couple, or perhaps a son or daughter have an
issue with intimacy, with marital communication, or perhaps is not sure why a temple marriage
is important, or who may just need a good primer on the doctrines that pertain to the covenant
and ordinance of marriage in the Father’s plan, you have it within reach.

Where I think a particular concept/sentence/paragraph is of special significance and

importance, I have bolded it for emphasis.

After fifty-five years of marriage, I know that following the plan the Father laid out for us is
the key to a couple’s happiness. The journey may not be easy, but the ‘golden years’ will be
worth every effort young married couples make to do their best as sweethearts and parents. A
great ‘helpmeet’ is necessary to succeed in this venture and the Lord led me to one of his finest
daughters. Wherever ‘Eve,’ is--in this case my wife ‘Geri,’--that’s where I want to be!

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 Introduction
Marital Therapy: A Gospel-Based Approach

“Over the years, I have performed the sealing ordinance for many hopeful and loving
couples. I have never met anyone who, as they looked at each other across the altar, thought
they would end up divorced or heartbroken” (President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “In Praise of Those
Who Save,” Ensign, May 2016, 78).

President Uchtdorf shared his observation of couples sealed in a temple ceremony for
‘time and all eternity’ surely never contemplated that their newly formed union would ever be
dissolved. How sad when such a sacred priesthood ordinance ends in divorce. Consider the
impact this decision has on the couple and both families after such an optimistic beginning.
Those familiar with the effects of divorce and its aftermath find it disheartening and
disappointing. This legal separation shatters lives, not only of the two spouses, but both sets
of parents, siblings, friends, and it typically impacts in negative ways their offspring. Its
tentacles reach far beyond the present as family constellations are ripped apart creating ill-
feelings that may last for decades.

Every married couple can recount the interesting saga of how they met and began the
dating and courtship process that resulted in such intense feelings of love for each other that they
decided to formalize their relationship by marriage. For faithful Latter-day Saints, that decision
typically culminates in an impressive ordinance in temple precincts where a new family unit is
created, one designed to outlast the earth itself! Following the ceremony, the couple usually
celebrates their union with family and friends in a reception where well-wishers express their
love, congratulations, and personal wishes for happiness.

Yet, for too many, far too many, after such a positive start, a series of events takes place
that destroys their love for each other and they decide to break personal and joint covenants by
terminating their marriage.

These questions need answers: How does a couple decide that they no longer want to live
together? What takes place in their lives that causes them to sever their marriage commitments
knowing the heartbreak that results? How do they arrive at the point where they no longer love
each other and are willing to cast aside promised blessings conferred upon them by a ‘sealer’
who stands in the place of the God of the Universe? Did one or both conclude that they
married the ‘wrong person?’ Did dating and courtship fail to reveal genuine character flaws?
Did they stop doing what happily married couples do to keep marriage alive and exhilarating?
Did one or both violate legal or moral laws? Did they forget how they once felt about each other
and their goals? If children were involved, did they forget what they went through to become
parents and consider the sacrifice of the wife to go through labor and delivery to give her
husband the gift of fatherhood and make herself a mother in Zion?

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 Surely safeguards were in place along the way to help them succeed. They each were
required to meet with their bishop and stake president in personal interviews where they
received counsel and were found worthy of a recommend. They then entered the temple with
family and close friends where they were united by priesthood authority in a sacred ceremony.
So, again, the query: Why would a couple want to tear apart this relationship that had eternal
implications? The answers are not comforting.

It must be said that we would not want to live in a society where divorce was not
possible. Prophets and general Church leaders have agreed and so stated that there are
justifiable reasons for divorce. As examples, some individuals are forced to dissolve a marriage
to preserve their own physical and emotional wellbeing or to protect the lives of children from
abusive companions. There are individuals who turn from being lovable and companionable, to
being harsh critics, covenant breakers, and even apostates who spew their vitriol on spouse and
children. Though it is understood that there are justifiable reasons to end a marriage, woe to the
one responsible for breaking temple covenants and behaving in a manner that compels the spouse
to seek relief through a divorce.

Even though one or both parties may later marry, the children have to adapt to a new
step-parent. Though parents who split up do their best to make the transition as easy for their
offspring as possible, children often fail to recover from the psychological damage that can result
from parental separation. I’ve listened to parents argue that it is better for children to be out of a
home situation where they face constant bickering and arguing by their parents! President
Spencer W. Kimball suggested that rather than remain in a bitter relationship or seek a
divorce, a better choice on the part of the parents is to repent and reestablish their
relationship and the family they once cherished! Incidentally, fighting and arguing with each
other are within our ability to control.

Hopefully time and a softening of hearts allow divorced individuals to again achieve the
ideal of marriage and family life in a new relationship. We rejoice when one or both parties find
a new love and are happily settled in a new companionship. We can all attest to those who found
happiness in a second or even a third marriage. But it is critical that marriage partners understand
the importance of succeeding in marriage inasmuch as parents represent the most frequent
example children see up close as to how marriage relationships function. The quality of the
parent’s marriage sets the example for children who must one day find their own success.

This volume is directed to Latter-day Saint couples, especially those that married in the
Lord’s House. Such couples surely understand at the outset that they belong to the only church
among any religious denomination that teaches the doctrine of eternal marriage. Marriage
is the anchor to the family enterprise, and one of the important reasons for the earth’s
creation (D&C 49:15-17.) A belief in an eternal relationship centers in the fact that Jesus Christ
provided a resurrection for all, the inseparable reuniting of both physical and spirit bodies in a
state of immortality. Because gender remains constant for each individual from the premortal life
through resurrection, the ideal of a husband and wife living in an eternal companionship should
be every couple’s ultimate goal.

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 Father in Heaven mandated marriage for his earthly children if possible. Each individual
is ‘commanded’ to leave their parents and join together with a member of the opposite sex to
create a family unit, a kingdom of their own (Genesis 2:24.) Our first parents, Adam and Eve,
brought about the Fall which allowed them, and us, to leave our celestial home and enter a
telestial sphere where we are to learn lessons that were not possible to experience in our
premortal environment. The important point is that it is in mortality that for our first time ever,
we may seek a companion to marry. All parents want their children to eventually leave home
and duplicate the pattern set for them by their parents.

This book will discuss a number of topics that include the following:

1. The importance of gospel doctrines as the most important elements in maintaining stable and
healthy marriages as well as providing solutions to marital issues that surface during the
life cycle.
2. An explanation of why heavenly parents, like mortal parents, want children to leave home at
an appropriate time to gain experiences that contribute a spiritual maturity that is not
available were the children to remain in the ‘nest.’
3. Why bishops and stake presidents can be effective marriage counselors for most marital
problems (mental health issues excepted.)
4. The importance of communication as the key to a couple developing and maintaining strong
emotional bonds.
5. The importance of sexual intimacy--a commandment to married couples--that binds spouses
together. In this manner they add family members in addition to enjoying the natural
therapy that accompanies this coupling.
6. Why LDS couples must marry in the temple in order to qualify for an eternal companionship. .
7. How nine points presented in the family Proclamation by prophets, seers, and revelators
outline measures that strengthen and help maintain quality marriages and family life.
8. Suggestions as to what happily married couples do to maintain and strengthen their marriage
relationships.

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9
 Chapter 1

Marriage -- the Great Adventure of Mortality

Marriage is the great adventure of mortality. This is the first time in our existence that
we are able to join hands with a member of the opposite sex in an intimate companionship that
has the capacity of raising both partners to a state of resurrected exaltation! Even though we
were adult spirits prior to our entry into mortality, marriage was not open to us in that
premortal sphere. It was there that we lived for ages as individual male or female spirits before
this life. We could never experience there the opportunities that are now open to us living on this
telestial sphere. For example, premortal spirits were not married nor could they procreate
children. Mortality is our first opportunity to experience both of these privileges. To
accomplish this goal, we need a compatible companion to join us in our quest for exaltation, the
highest degree of glory within the highest degree of glory! In that sphere, only married
couples qualify for that ultimate achievement. To become eligible for this blessing requires a
marriage to begin in a Church temple.

Obtaining a mortal body is an essential part of our eternal progression. We have now
obtained a body of element as a counterpart to our spirit body and together these two bodies
constitute our ‘soul’ (D&C 88:15). This reality means that we have two sets of parents. We
have been children twice! Heavenly Parents created our spirit tabernacle as a male or female
entity eons ago through the power of procreation. Earthly parents, thanks to the Fall of Adam and
Eve, are able to create our mortal body through the intimacy of procreation. These two bodies,
united together for an adventure in mortal flesh, provide us with the greatest joys imaginable. No
wonder we shouted for joy in the premortal realm when we learned that we would move ahead in
our personal progression.

Parenting is the great challenge of mortality for married couples. This is the first time
that we have ever been able to create a physical body into which our Heavenly Father could
place one of His spirit offspring. These adult spirits come to us in little bodies that we create
as a couple and it is our responsibility to rear them to adulthood as faithful members of
The Church. To think that we have arrived at the point in our own development that we are
entrusted to rear a precious child of God, a son or daughter of heavenly parents, to their mature
stature is an overwhelming assignment! These infants have no memory of anything that took
place before this life and therefore they come to us in a state of innocence. We are to
introduce them to a world that will test their character, their agency and their faith in God
because they are now living outside His presence. Yet wise parents will teach them of their
heritage and the need to become productive citizens of both the land in which they live and in the
Kingdom of God--The Church. Parents, as well as worldly experiences, introduce them to the
realities of mortality and prepare them to face both good and evil in this telestial sphere where
opposites can exist side-by-side. It is in this state that we learn more about agency and the
consequences that result from personal decision making. It is intended that the same two parents
that brought us into this world will teach us of the things of God. Children are part of a couple’s
eternal family unit even though each child will mature and seek a companion of their own and
build their own partnership. It is known as the ‘patriarchal order.’

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 The life before this one began a series of events designed to culminate in the
eventual exaltation of a married couple. What a glorious ideal! What a soul-satisfying
concept! As individual spirits we passed through a First Estate where we learned about spirit
element and life among resurrected beings and our spirit family. Now in this mortal sphere we
learn important lessons concerning physical and natural elements that add to our knowledge
about matter that exists on this earth and is scattered throughout the universe. Apparently at least
two kinds of matter exist: spirit element and physical element. Our Heavenly Father, as a
resurrected being, has bodies of both kinds of matter, one of flesh and bone (D&C 130:22)
and the other of spirit element. He is an exalted being living in a state of resurrected
perfection. Possessing knowledge of laws that govern both spirit matter and natural elements, He
presides over a universe. Our Heavenly Father sent us to a telestial world to acquire this second
body of element so that when joined with our spirit body in a temporary union as we are now, we
can create for ourselves a family unit patterned after His family.

We call this plan of our Father the Plan of Salvation or the Plan of Happiness. Mortality
was meant to be a time of happiness, of joy. Adam and Eve were honored to be the first set of
parents to begin this great adventure on this earth. Lehi instructed his son Jacob on the plan’s
earthly beginning: “And now, behold if Adam had not transgressed, he would not have fallen,
but he would have remained in the garden of Eden. . . . And they would have had no children;
wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no
misery; doing no good, for they knew no sin. But behold, all things have been done in the
wisdom of him who knoweth all things. Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they
might have joy” (2 Nephi 2:22-25).

It was the plan of the Father that His children would come to a place where good and evil
exists in the same plane, where they could learn more about agency and the consequences that
accompany choices. Mortality was designed as a place where the Father’s children could
experience the differences between good and evil outside the presence of divine beings who
eschew evil because they learned of its negative effects themselves during their own
mortality. The Father’s mortal family, under this plan, is without memory of any previous
existence. This condition allows them to make choices and then experience the consequences of
those choices which can either drag them down to the level that Satan desires, or these children
can rise to the full stature of their potential as the sons and daughters of God. It is up to them and
their destiny is predicated on their righteous use of agency, their repentance, and their living
gospel principles.

Because everyone (except the Son of God) would make errors in judgment in exercising
agency, even to the point of going against the commandments of the Father (sin), there had to be
a way to escape the effects of unwise choices with their attendant consequences. Lehi continued
his instruction to Jacob as to how this was to take place: "And the Messiah cometh in the fulness
of time, that he may redeem the children of men from the fall. And because that they are
redeemed from the fall they have become free forever, knowing good from evil; to act for
themselves and not to be acted upon. . . . Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh . . . .
And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to
choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that
all men might be miserable like unto himself” (2 Nephi 2:26-27; italics added.)

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 Mortality is our time to confront evil ourselves. Though we saw Lucifer rebel against the
Father and His Firstborn, a rebellion that no doubt stunned those of us who sustained Father’s
plan, Lucifer was cast out of that celestial realm so that peace and righteousness would be
restored. However, Satan, his new name, was cast out to the very place where we were destined
to come. He is the source of the evil that we now confront. The scriptures refer to this life as a
probationary state (Alma 12:24).

A major contribution of the Savior to all of us is a restoration from death to immortality.

His overcoming the twin effects that the fall brought upon our first parents—physical and
spiritual death—allows us to one day live as resurrected, glorified beings. Where we ultimately
live in the degrees of glory depends on the way in which we live gospel principles and honor
sacred covenants. The point is this: If we are going to spend eternity in a resurrected body, a
body no longer subject to death, we must understand and live the principles required of us as a
couple if we expect to live in a celestial kingdom among other exalted couples.

Who would want to live forever in an environment like the one in which we now live,
where we face evil, sickness, and eventual death? We are on this earth to learn lessons that will
steel us against choosing evil ever again in all eternity. In that future glory, we live as couples
and families in a kingdom of righteousness, a kingdom of ‘saints’ who learned in mortality to
choose only the good. One of the first goals our Heavenly Father had in sending us to this earth
became clear when He said to His Son following the fall of our first parents: “Behold, the man
is become as one of us to know good and evil; . . . . (Moses 4:28; italics added). God and Christ
are not gods because they do not know what evil is. They are gods because they choose only that
which enriches and blesses their own lives and that of others.

Divorce of those who marry in the temple is a great tragedy. Divorce takes place
because mankind has agency and can do as he chooses. After a temple sealing of their children
and a magnificent reception and send-off, what parents expect their children to end up divorced?
Both mortal and immortal parents expect and desire that their children will find marriage
to be the crowning event of their lives and the most rewarding of all their experiences on
this earth and even beyond this life.

Incidentally, though I use the term ‘divorce’ to refer to the separation of couples, it is not
a gospel term. It is a secular concept. It is the break-up of a civil marriage. A temple marriage
may unite a couple in both (1) a civil contract (in some countries a civil marriage must precede a
temple sealing) and (2) a priesthood ordinance that empowers the couple to be eternal
companions.

For those sealed in a temple ordinance, it requires a priesthood decree to cancel their
sealing. That communication comes from the Church President authorizing a ‘cancellation of
sealing’ which allows them to again marry in the House of the Lord.1 But even with a subsequent
successful marriage, often left behind from the first marriage are children who now must shift
back and forth between both sets of parents. There are often serious financial obligations and
other consequences that accompany divorce. Thankfully, divorce is an outlet that benefits
abused individuals, but how much better it is when we marry under divine auspices and our
1
Women receive a ‘cancellation of sealing’ while men receive a ‘temple clearance’ from the Church President.

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lifelong goals and efforts are directed at enriching our marriage relationship. This seems to be a
difficult road to travel for many in today’s world. There are too many heartaches and tears shed
by those affected by covenant breakers. Some who divorce admit to feelings that are similar to
the loss of a loved one.

My effort here is to point out the blessings of a temple marriage and to prevent the
heartache and devastation that results from broken hearts and broken covenants. What is more
joyful, more exciting, more fulfilling than to see a couple marry in the temple and then become
loving companions whose posterity will forever bless them for the example they set. That is the
pattern that God wants for His children; it is what He expects of them. That is also what mortal
parents want for their children and what they expect of them. Our challenge as mortals is this:
find a companion with whom to unite in a spirit of comradery and compatibility and avoid the
natural man tendencies of pride and selfishness that afflict so many.

Complications come when sealings are nullified. To put it bluntly, what a couple is
doing, in reality, is endangering their salvation. Why? Because the highest degree of glory in
the celestial kingdom is inaccessible to single individuals or to couples who have lost the
Spirit of the Lord in their lives and do not treat each other with charity and dignity.
Divorce has few upsides. Here you have a couple that are assigned special spirits by Heavenly
Father and asked to rear them to adulthood. When a couple no longer wants to remain together,
when they want to end what began as a beautiful friendship that culminated in a temple sealing,
to then let it unravel over the years that follow is a tragedy of serious proportions. Yes, we all
recognize that there are justifiable reasons to separate. And I repeat: No one would want
to live in a society where divorce was not possible. But, can we not say, in all seriousness:
“Woe to that person responsible for breaking marriage covenants.”

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 Chapter 2

Twin Tragedies

Two tragedies in our day are the extent to which (1) divorce takes place (marital
stability) and (2) the number of unhappily married couples who do not divorce, yet live together
in unpleasant relationships (marital satisfaction). Many of these latter couples began their
marriage in the House of the Lord, may have reared children, managed to successfully confront
many of the challenges common to marriage, yet seem to have lost the vision of their potential as
a couple and marital satisfaction for them is like a rollercoaster. President Spencer W. Kimball
described them this way: “They are Church members who are steeped in lethargy. They neither
drink nor commit the sexual sins. They do not gamble nor rob nor kill. They are good citizens
and splendid neighbors, but spiritually speaking they seem to be in a long, deep sleep. They are
doing nothing seriously wrong except in their failures to do the right things to earn their
exaltation” (Miracle of Forgiveness, 160).

These couples typically don’t divorce. They basically just tolerate each other. There are
enjoyable days that prevent them from splitting apart and there are many days where contention,
disagreements, and tempers flare, yet they have learned to function well enough to stay married.
Their children and grandchildren provide them with enough positive experiences to keep them
together. The serious issue with these marriages is that they do not have the quality, as yet
at least, to qualify for the degree of glory reserved for married couples who love and
cherish each other, who desire to remain companions beyond this life. Such unhappy
couples face an ominous future.

The divorce rate for couples who marry in the temple has now reached the double-digit
level, a stunning statistic for a people who believe that marriage is to be an everlasting covenant.
The number of temple-married couples that break apart should be miniscule. Incidentally,
statistically, members of the Church who marry outside the temple have about the same
percentage of divorce as the general population.

A puzzling irony is that in this modern age we have access to so many elements that can
strengthen marriages. Latter-day Saints are educated (highest percentage of any religious
denomination with college degrees). We have labor-saving devices to free up time to spend
together. We have smartphones and messaging systems that allow us to stay in touch at a
moment’s notice and we possess a multitude of resources and opportunities to develop greater
compatibility. With all the blessings available to couples in this modern era, should not
marriages be easier to navigate in comparison with any other time in the history of the planet?
We don’t spend our days in the fields from sun-up to sun-down eking out a living from the soil.
In addition, we have access to the counsel of living prophets and apostles, an Internet that allows
us to retrieve almost any information we desire, television and computer access, and a plethora
of resources to help us succeed in the most important reasons for living—marriage. All of these

14
blessings have come in a day when the Church continues to make temples more accessible to its
members.

Is there anything more sacred, more uplifting, more fulfilling, or more profound than the
love of a man for his wife and her reciprocation of his love? How thrilling to see pure
expressions of love and joy between mature couples married for decades. What children are not
in awe of parents who not only sacrificed for them during their maturing years, but who left a
legacy and tradition of love and mutual caring that laid the foundation for their own marital
happiness? Marriage is for adults, mature adults. Most divorces, according to prophetic
pronouncements, are the result of selfishness and pride that enter into the relationship only to
leave behind broken hearts and shattered covenants. The good news is that these two elements
that are so detrimental to marital happiness are also within the ability of a couple to alter, to
change. Think back when the relationship began. Did the two plagues of pride and selfishness
exist during the dating and courtship phases? Of course not, or the couple never would have
married. This provides proof that we do have the ability to avoid these destructive traits. That the
ability to be kind to others has not been permanently lost by individuals is evident when,
following a divorce, either former spouse sets about to impress a new dating partner by using all
the positive personality attributes they displayed pursuing the first spouse the first time!

Marriage is an opportunity to display Christ-like qualities. Marriage is designed to bring

a oneness, a wholeness that can be achieved in no other way or by any other arrangement. Each
couple makes sincere commitments to each other and sacred covenants with Deity. Either male
or female alone is only half an entity. Marriage is the crowning ordinance of the gospel whereas
divorce has so many negative components. It seriously impacts the emotional makeup and
psyche of children; it affects one’s personal testimony and church activity of the now single
parents, and shatters the dreams of two people once deeply in love but who allowed differences
to overcome their initial enthusiasm. Divorce results when a man or a woman fails to rise to
his or her tallest spiritual stature. At one time the couple was convinced that they were
‘meant for each other,’ positive that the heavens approved of their union.

Divorce must be disappointing to Heavenly Father, the Author of marriage, and to His
Son who makes an eternal relationship possible, and disappointing to prophets who teach the
importance of marriage and family life in the gospel plan. As for unhappily married couples,
they must re-discover the very strengths and attributes that attracted them to each other in the
first place. As I indicated before, those same traits still exist even if submerged over time through
contention and ill-treatment that blunts individual happiness.

Here’s the scary part: Divorce is proof to God that as a couple they could not live the
very plan that Father designed for them! Why? The highest degree of glory is unattainable
by singles. The good news is that it is possible to recover from this separation even after a
divorce has taken place. Hopefully, either former spouse may find another companion and have
the newfound relationship sealed by priesthood authority. Many have done so, and happily so,
and gratefully so. But for those unhappily married couples who continue to fight and argue
without repentance and re-direction, they will be ineligible to join a society of couples who have
mastered the principles of loving relationships centered in eternal principles.

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 It is obvious that many Latter-day Saints have not considered the quality of a marriage
that they must develop to qualify for a place in the celestial kingdom. Those involved in
pornography or drug addictions will not be invited into that realm. Individuals critical of
their spouse, the parent of their children, will be sorely disappointed at the Judgment when
they learn that they will not be allowed to continue as a married entity. Marriage covenants
are not to be trifled with. They are not to be entered into casually and then jettisoned when
challenges become difficult.

Marriage is a time for Latter-day Saint men to bless the women who agreed to their
marriage proposal, the women who, in most cases, gave up their last name for theirs, the one
whose greatest gift to him was that of fatherhood; the one who serves as his help-meet in family
responsibilities and in today’s world is often contributing to the provider role with him. With the
emphasis on smaller families, sometimes it is the wife who has the higher paying job and in
some cases may be the sole or primary breadwinner.

The prophet Joseph Smith reportedly “referred to the feelings that should exist between
husbands and wives. . . . He said men must beware how they treat their wives. They were given
them for a holy purpose [so] that the myriads of spirits waiting for tabernacles might have pure
and healthy bodies. He also said many would awake in the morning of the resurrection sadly
disappointed; for they, by transgression, would have neither wives nor children, for they surely
would be taken from them, and given to those who should prove themselves worthy. Again he
said a woman would have her choice [as to whether or not she wanted to live with her earthly
husband]; this was a privilege that could not be denied her.” (Walker and Stevenson, comps.,
Ancestry and Descendants of John Walker, p. 32, in The Teachings of Joseph Smith, Larry E.
Dahl, Donald Q. Cannon, eds., 412.)

Latter-day Saint women must realize that without a husband who adores her and
appreciates her contribution to their marriage, that without a wife who sustains him when he is
the primary breadwinner thus allowing her to be a mother to their children, that without a wife
who loves the father of her offspring, whose responsibility as a mother will be endless if she
lives for it, it will be a day of disappointment if she has to explain to the Lord why she mistreated
her husband and/or broke sacred covenants. Women have immense power to influence men to be
successful leaders in the home when, as sweethearts, they exercise their divine attributes of
femininity and womanhood in positive ways.

A successful marriage requires men and women who not only have the vision of eternity
but who actively pursue their roles as husbands and fathers, as wives and mothers. Their
posterity deserves parents who cherish one another and who display a genuine love for their
offspring to emulate. Marriage is not for the faithless or fainthearted; it is not for those who
seek only sexual favors, financial ease, or marital status. Marriage is for men and women
who see in each other the capability to build an eternal companionship. Latter-day Saints
must see into eternity clearly and understand that the gospel contains the doctrines and
ordinances that will bring them the genuine happiness they seek.

Modern Christianity and other religions for that matter, formally teach that marriage is
for this life only. This misunderstanding stems from a conversation of the Savior and Sadducees

16
in Matthew 22. Though many Christians have a vague idea and belief that they will still know
each other or have some kind of association with one another after this life, there is nothing in
modern Christian church doctrine to confirm such a hope. The problem is that individuals that
believe that this life is temporary or that marriage is ‘til death do us part,’ are more accepting of
couples living together outside of the marriage covenant, are more accepting of those who
divorce, who participate in affairs, of individuals in same sex ‘marriages,’ and of those who
choose to remain single by choice. What a bleak outlook official religious thinking has given
mankind when the God of heaven designed marriage to be so much more than a temporary
status. Because God has spoken again, because He has restored the true gospel back to the earth,
we now know a great deal more about the design of Deity in establishing marriage between a
man and his wife as the proper path to happiness. This good news about marriage and family life
as an eternal doctrine is a primary incentive for Latter-day Saints to share this knowledge with
those not of our faith.

Temple Marriage
The principle of a ‘temple marriage’ is that two of the Father’s children come before Him
in His House to receive blessings that He bestows on them as they begin their lives together.

Consider what takes place in that sacred temple setting. A man and woman desire to be
married for ‘time and all eternity.’ They make arrangements to be married in one of the temples
of the Church. Both partners pass interviews with their bishop and a stake president indicating
their worthiness and preparation for this holy ordinance. The ceremony requires an official who
holds the Holy Priesthood, one who has been given a special priesthood key restored by Elijah to
the Prophet Joseph Smith and Oliver Cowdery in the Kirtland Temple in 1836. This Melchizedek
Priesthood key will bind the couple together forever. The sealer stands in the place of the God of
heaven. The couple kneels before Him across an altar that historically was an instrument of
sacrifice. Since blood sacrifice is no longer practiced, each individual must consider what
sacrifices they will now offer for this marriage to succeed. The husband-to-be will need to
realize that his attention will now be focused on his new sweetheart and less on his former
interests—video games, athletics, computers, etc. and now he has a responsibility to serve
this new love of his life. The wife-to-be will need to sacrifice some of her own past interests
as she assumes the responsibility of making home a place of comfort, a sanctuary for her
family, where love abounds, where children are welcome, and where the Spirit of the Lord
is present. She will require an adequate education, a work ethic, and a love of homemaking. In
today’s economy she may be needed to assist in acquiring resources through employment at
various times in the marriage. Modern couples often split home duties as they take jobs at
different hours to sustain the family. However, prophets have been clear that her greatest
contribution to the family will be as a mother.

In the ceremony, the sealer will ask the groom if he is willing to assume these new
responsibilities with this companion of his choice. If he agrees, the prospective wife will be
asked if she is willing to accept this man as her husband and if she is willing to assume the
responsibilities associated with being his companion. If they both agree to this proposal, a
priesthood key is then exercised in their behalf. They are ‘sealed’ together in a link that is
unbreakable except through personal transgression or divorce. They are commanded to multiply
and replenish the earth, an exchange that will enrich and solidify their relationship. It also leads

17
to an expanded family as special spirits are assigned to them by their Heavenly Father. They will
be given numerous blessings in this sealing ceremony that will assist them in succeeding as a
new family entity.

They typically follow the ceremony with a reception prior to their exit for a brief
honeymoon. From this thrilling foundation they are off to see if they can organize themselves, to
“prepare every needful thing; and establish a house, even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a
house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God” (D&C
88:119). Next to the temple itself, their new home will be their most sacred habitation.

When you examine the entire temple ceremony and reception process, what more could
the Father, or the Church, or the family and friends do for this couple? What set of parents do not
go overboard to insure that their offspring will begin their lives with all the advantages that they
probably never had? Can you see how disappointing it is for Deity and for family members to
see this relationship end because they could not keep the covenants they were both so willing to
enter at one time? This tragedy of divorce is so contrary to the divine plan of our Father. This
book is designed to stop the terrible harm that haunts too many homes when marriage should be
the most enjoyable of associations.

The Power of Doctrine

The doctrines of the gospel contain the power to succeed in marriage. Here is my promise
to you. As a couple you will not be able to read this book and understand the doctrines of
the Restoration, and then determine to divorce! Instead, you will gain an eternal perspective
concerning the significance of a temple marriage and the covenants the two of you make and for
which you are both now accountable. Instead of separating, you will decide to make needed
changes in the way you carry out marital roles. You will feel inclined to apologize for past
behavior and re-commit yourself to be the spouse you once promised your companion you would
be. You will realize the profound truth that this is the first time in all eternity that you could even
marry. Since that was not an option in the premortal sphere, please do not ruin this opportunity
that you have now been given. This is your time as a couple to see what you can achieve
together. All of the Christ-like attributes of the Savior will be needed by you to do well. You
will need to exercise self-discipline as never before in your life. You will appreciate the fact that
the God of Heaven will do all that He can to help you succeed as a couple, for the heavens have a
great interest in your success. In fact, the opportunity for you to marry is one of the reasons the
earth was created (see D&C 49:15-17).

Exalted Parents sent you to earth to obtain a flesh and blood body, locate a sweetheart,
create a family, and bring that family unit home after all the challenges and tests of mortality are
completed. You must not disappoint Them or yourselves lest you regretfully spend eternity in a
place where only singles reside. (Righteous singles who honor baptism and temple covenants
will complete their families after this life, for no blessing is lost to those unable to fulfill their
righteous desires in mortality.) If the final judgement declares that you two will be separated
forever, that you will remain a single individual in one of the lower kingdoms of glory, surely
there will be weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth by you for eons. You can do better than
that and improvements must come now while there is still time to bring your relationship back to

18
where it is pleasing to yourselves, to God, and to your posterity. Ideas and helps to do so are
contained in this volume.

I have learned over the years that although Latter-day Saints are aware that a concept of
eternal marriage exists, few couples have carefully considered the impact of how specific
doctrines assist them to live exceptional lives as loving companions. Too, I am convinced that
few have thought through the quality of a marriage required of those who would live in a
righteous society following resurrection. Can you imagine living next to President Thomas S.
Monson and his wife Frances or President Gordon B. Hinckley and his wife Marjorie in the next
life, while you and your spouse are arguing, fighting, or yelling sarcastic comments at each
other? How silly to even contemplate such a scenario. Remember the revelation: “And that same
sociality which exists among us here will exist among us there, only [there] it will be coupled
with eternal glory, which glory we do not now enjoy” (D&C 130:2.)

Sociality is an association with other beings. What kind of marriage do you suppose
glorified people in the highest degree of glory have established in order to belong to that select
group? Too many couples have the idea that an occasional fight, an occasional ‘clearing of
the air,’ by negative complaints and comments just to ‘get it off your chest’ so that it
‘doesn’t fester,’ is good for the soul and for the relationship! Can you see the heretical nature
of that argument? This is your eternal companion, your sweetheart. Your task is to cherish each
other, to build a companionship that will qualify for the celestial order. Can you imagine
heavenly parents being critical or emphasizing negative aspects of the other’s personality?
Or can you envision them fighting and arguing? The concept of sociality among glorified
resurrected couples means that such negative behavior does not take place.

My Goal
If each couple will carefully study the doctrines and apply the principles in their
relationship presented here, divorce will be practically unknown among them, especially among
those who married in the Lord’s House. Acquiring doctrinal connections that empower couples
to establish loving relationships is the key to marital happiness. To express it pragmatically,
Heavenly Father cannot be pleased when many of His children end their marriages, particularly
couples who participated in initiatory and sealing ordinances prior to their sealing ceremony,
whose union was sanctioned by priesthood authority only to see the couple give up, to surrender
all the blessings promised them. You will see that the doctrines of the gospel provide powerful
incentives to prepare individuals for marriage and family life and then assist them to succeed in
this most profound and sacred enterprise. Divorce will no longer be an option chosen by couples
who familiarize themselves with the doctrines and principles presented here! Unhappily married
couples will do what is necessary to restore the feelings they once felt for each other and inspired
them to declare privately and publicly their undying love for each other.

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 Chapter 3

Marital Therapy – A Gospel-Based Approach

Marriage between a man and a woman has been the divine pattern from the beginning.
Heavenly Father established this form of marriage for His children in the Garden of Eden with
our First Parents (Genesis 1:26-27), and this union has been the traditional form of marriage
worldwide for millennia. Sadly, in our day, cohabitation, living together without a state or even
church-sanctioned marriage is a stunning departure from that which our Father introduced to His
children long ago. Living together without being married in our day has now taken center stage
as at least half of all couples try this lifestyle before marriage. Now we see that many of them
never do tie the legal knot! Apparently, this form of coupling is attractive because without a
formal or legal attachment, either individual in the relationship is free to leave without the
consequences that typically accompany a state-sanctioned separation: a division of resources,
property distribution, child custody issues and all the negative trappings that can accompany
divorce. These couples need no legal permission to end their union. Sadly too, governmental tax
and welfare programs often benefit such couples.

Consequently, divorce rates have dropped in the past two decades because this practice
excludes such couples from marriage vital statistics. Sadly too, many young people today think
that living together first is the best way to determine compatibility for a “real’ marriage later.
The irony here is that cohabitating couples tend to break apart to a greater extent than do couples
who marry in the traditional pattern. And shockingly, it must be said that society no longer views
fornication as an illegal or frowned upon practice leading some to suggest that premarital sex is a
misnomer inasmuch as couples agree to live together and exchange sexual favors without any
intent to marry!

Latter-day Saint prophets, of course, saw such trends developing years ago and sounded
the warning voice. President Spencer W. Kimball predicted almost four decades ago that ". . .
many of the social restraints which in the past have helped to reinforce and to shore up the family
are dissolving and disappearing. The time will come when only those who believe deeply and
actively in the family will be able to preserve their families in the midst of the gathering evil
around us” (“Families Can Be Eternal,” Ensign, Nov. 1980:4, italics added). This statement was
made back in 1980. Who, at that time, would have ever believed that there would be such
challenges to the nuclear family arrangement?

Two later prophets warned of the coming disintegration of the family. President Ezra Taft
Benson gave this ominous forecast: “All is not well with this basic institution--the American
home. In fact, it is in grave danger, if not in deadly peril. There is convincing evidence that a
creeping rot or moral disintegration is eating into the very vitals of this temple of civilization. It
gives cause for great concern” (The Teachings of Ezra Taft Benson, 522).

Elder Gordon B. Hinckley made this prediction to graduates of BYU in 1983 that the
“preservation of the family will be one of the great and serious challenges facing you in the

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future into which you move” (Reprinted in Church News, May 31, 2015.) Decades ago, few
would have believed that the divine pattern of marriage and family would ever be in jeopardy.
Media stars in the past were typically out of the mainstream of traditional marriage, yet somehow
their cohabitation and/or brief serial marriages failed to discourage adoring fans.

In more recent times, Elder Dallin H. Oaks gave this assessment of the state of marriage
and family life in our land:

In America, the percentage of young adults ages 18 to 29 who are married fell
from 59 percent in 1960 to 20 percent by 2010. The median age for first marriage is now
at its highest level in history: 26 for women and almost 29 for men.
In many countries and cultures (1) the traditional family of a married mother and
father and children is coming to be the exception rather than the rule, (2) the pursuit of a
career instead of marriage and the bearing of children is an increasing choice of many
young women, and (3) the role and perceived necessity of fathers is diminishing. . . .
Our knowledge of God’s plan explains why we are distressed that more and more
children are born outside of marriage—currently 41 percent of all births in the United
States—and that the number of couples living together without marriage has increased
dramatically in the past half century . . . Now cohabitation precedes 60 percent of
marriages. And this is increasingly accepted, especially among teenagers. Recent survey
data found about 50 percent of teenagers stating that out-of-wedlock childbearing was a
“worthwhile lifestyle.” (“No Other Gods,” Ensign, Nov. 2013, 73-74; numbers added.)

How disappointing these secular trends are to our Father in Heaven, to His Son Jesus
Christ, and to Latter-day Saints who understand the true doctrine of marriage, a disappointment
that is particularly evident when contrasted with the divine plan of marriage. As part of the
Restoration of the gospel, priesthood keys pertaining to marriage were conveyed by angelic
visitors. Elias restored the principle of eternal marriage as part of the covenant of Abraham while
Elijah restored divine authority to ‘seal’ worthy couples together in an everlasting covenant.
Rather than marrying ‘till death do us part,’ or ‘as long as you both shall live,’ or ‘as long as you
are still in love,’ or any other secular wording, Latter-day Saints know that a relationship that
lasts far longer than a few brief years of mortality is the goal of faithful members. What couple
in possession of a loving marriage would not want that relationship to extend far beyond this
brief span of life? In contrast to cohabitation, with its unauthorized sexual openness, the Lord’s
pattern of marriage demands chastity as a prerequisite before a temple sealing and total fidelity
to one’s spouse following that binding ordinance.

Many years ago I came to appreciate the contrast between a secular, worldly, or
temporary marriage and that which the Lord revealed. Now, as our family has grown in size and
importance to me and to my wife, I feel this way: “I have been married to my sweetheart now for
over 55 years. With six children, twenty-five grandchildren, and a number of ‘greats’ coming
along, as I look back over my association with these precious souls, I realize how disappointing
it would be if the world’s view of marriage was all we had. If it were true that marriage and
family relations ended at death, I could never worship a God who put in place such a
useless and frightening plan! How could anyone honor a God who designed a plan of salvation
that has us come to earth, obtain a mortal body that enables us to actually marry for the first time

21
in our existence, then command us to ‘multiply and replenish’ the earth, and then, after spending
more than five decades in these sacred and cherished relationships, lose everything that was
important to me through death?

My answer as to a religious affiliation with such a church or religion holding such views
would be a resounding "No thanks." Without hesitation I would want nothing to do with so-
called Christianity if marriage ended in this brief sphere. What a terrible ending to an
otherwise wonderful love story my wife and I began years ago and have continued to the
present! To say it more succinctly, “If the Atonement and resurrection of Jesus Christ
have not the power to restore me to a resurrected male body and my wife to a resurrected
female body and we were not able to continue precious family associations, I could never
worship a God who set in motion such an unjust plan! My wife and I would live in constant
fear of losing each other and family members. Death would be the ultimate tragedy.”

If that were the plan of Deity, would not every loving couple be compelled to ask: “Why
would the God of heaven perpetrate such a hoax?” “Why would One who knows all things, who
governs a universe, who has all power in heaven and earth, instigate such a disastrous plan?”
“What was the purpose of earth life anyway?” we would ask. “Why did we even bother to marry
at all if the end result was death or annihilation?” “Why did we sacrifice for each other and our
children only to lose everything in death?” The questions would be endless and the answers
tragically incorrect.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland expressed feelings similar to my own: “I wouldn’t know how
to speak of heaven without my wife or my children. It would not be heaven for me. Now,
you can say that’s wishful thinking. Or you can say that’s just because you love each other and
you have gotten cozy here on earth and you like each other’s company. It’s a lot more than that.
There is something eternal in the statement that ‘neither is the man without the woman nor the
woman without the man in the Lord.’ That isn’t just good sociology, that is theology; it’s
eternal” (Church video: Between Heaven and Earth, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day
Saints.)

Hallelujah! Our Father in Heaven laid out a better plan for couples in love. We will all
be resurrected with gender intact. It is through priesthood authority, the Savior’s death and
resurrection, and our own resurrection that marriage beyond this life is possible, for “as in Adam
all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive” (1 Corinthians 15:22). It is only through
Restoration doctrines restored by the Father and Son to the Prophet Joseph Smith and through
angelic ministrations in this last dispensation that the real purposes of marriage and family
relations are now known.

A major emphasis here stresses the importance and permanence of a temple marriage. A
logical question arises: “Does it make any practical difference in the way married couples treat
each other when they view marriage as a ‘for-this-life-only’ experience in contrast to knowing
that marriage can transcend mortality?” In other words, if a person believes that marriage can
extend beyond this brief sphere of existence, would not each prospective spouse be more likely
to: (1) be wise and careful in the dating stage to insure mutual compatibility as best as could be
ascertained at that point. This would include observing a prospective spouse’s personality traits,

22
family background, and commitment to gospel principles among other variables; and by (2)
examining his or her own motivation and preparation to function as a marriage partner and
parent, and then (3) after marriage would they not be more considerate and anxious to please
each other by behaving in the most Christ-like manner as husband and wife to insure that their
covenants remain forever intact? A temple marriage brings a couple into a sacred setting where
they enter into covenants with Elohim, their Heavenly Father, who ‘seals’ them together forever.
Would that ceremony and ordinance not create in each spouse the desire to cherish one another
to a greater extent than those who hold the mere belief that marriage is only for a few years on
earth? Would the idea of an eternal companionship not enhance each one’s desires to accept and
tolerate weaknesses in a companion and oneself that become evident to a greater extent after
marriage? Would it not renew their appreciation for the separate strengths that brought them
together initially?

The belief that marriage ends at death is a far different concept than is the doctrine of an
eternal companionship. If one believes that marriage is only for this brief span of mortality, it
seems reasonable that divorce or separation would be more easily acceptable when difficulties
arise. Selfishness and pride, the twin plagues which prophets warn are the primary destroyers of
marriages, could more easily surface without a long-range vision of marriage. Without the
perspective of eternity, would there not be less reason to make a sincere effort to do one’s best to
enrich and enhance one’s own marriage? That is not to say that there are not great marriages
outside of the Church, or that those who marry in the temple are always successful, but the
concept of an eternal relationship should provide an elevated motivation to be a more loving
spouse. That difference will be an important aspect of ‘marital therapy’ as this volume unfolds.

Every married couple has adjustments to make in order to develop greater compatibility.
Coming into marriage as separate genders, uniting two different family traditions,
combining individual idiosyncrasies that often remain hidden during the dating phase, and
then being placed in the most intimate of relationships capable of generating life,
guarantees an interesting adventure for both partners! A successful marriage requires the
attributes of a saint to have it function well, but that is the privilege and challenge that confronts
a man and a woman who understand the eternal nature of marriage and who are willing to enter
this profound union knowing that they have much to learn from each other to succeed. They both
will come to learn that this enterprise will require the best investment of themselves that they can
muster.

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 Chapter 4

The Basis for Resolving Marital Issues

A Secular or Gospel Approach

There are basically two approaches to assist Latter-day Saint couples in their quest for
marital happiness: (1) a gospel, or doctrinal-based perspective, and (2) a secular or non-religious
approach. The secular view is the primary focus of our public education system and is the
foundation of professional counseling. The curriculum for an advanced degree in human and
family relations to prepare a counselor for licensing by the state involves extensive training in
sociology, psychology, communication skills, and hours of practicums in order to master
counseling protocols. I have taken these courses in securing my own advanced degree. Licensing
by state and private agencies exists to insure competency in counseling theory, methods, and
practices.

I also had the advantage of teaching in the Church Educational System (CES) for over
four decades where I was immersed in gospel perspectives with a particular interest in how these
principles apply to maintaining and improving marriage and family relations. My interest and
passion over the years has been to help others apply doctrinal principles to marriage and family
life situations that will strengthen their relationship in addition to giving them a divine
perspective to resolve marital conflicts. I am a firm believer that the principles of the gospel,
when understood and practiced by both spouses, have the greatest chance of helping
Latter-day Saint couples build strong, stable marriages, the kind of marriages that inspire
both partners to value their relationship and to develop a companionship that creates in
both a desire to be ‘together forever.’

The secular or non-religious approach is the primary focus of the university curricula and
is comprised of the ‘philosophies of men’ sustained by methods of study and research on topics
of marriage and family life. This is not a criticism of the university curricula. This approach is
the best the world’s scholars and researchers can conclude without divine revelation and an
understanding of the plan of salvation. This approach, however, does not consider the spiritual
nature of man nor is there any thought of marriage and family life extending beyond this life. It
assumes a ‘till death do us part’ perspective.

Of course there are aspects of marriage and family relations that are common to all men
and women regardless of any religious affiliation, so as Latter-day Saints we have the luxury of
learning from both sources to improve as marriage partners and as families. President Spencer
W. Kimball made this important point: “Secular knowledge can never (1) save a soul (2) nor
open the celestial kingdom nor (3) create a world nor (4) make a man a god, but it can be helpful
to that man who . . . has found the way to eternal life and who can now bring into play all
knowledge to be his tool and servant.” (Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, 390, numbers and
italics added). In fact, later in this book I will share a few secular perspectives in dealing with
communication, role theory, and marital intimacy etc. Other secular topics of benefit to Latter-
day Saints include those of money management, understanding child development stages and

24
parenting principles, communication skills, behavior modification models, intimate relations,
homemaking, food preparation skills, cleanliness, creativity, etc. We will take President
Kimball’s advice and profit from all of the sources we can to make marriage more stable and
vibrant. However, the major emphasis in this book is on the contribution that the gospel and its
doctrines make in providing us with the ‘big picture’ concerning the purposes of marriage and
family relations during our time on earth.

Doctrinal Foundations
During his ministry, President Boyd K. Packer of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles was
fond of stating that doctrine was a powerful tool in changing and improving behavior. “True
doctrine, understood,” he said, “will change behavior quicker than will the study of behavior
change behavior’ (“Do Not Fear,” Ensign, May 2004, 73.) In an earlier conference address he
taught: “I have long believed that the study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior
quicker than talking about behavior will improve behavior. . . . That is why we stress so forcefully
the study of the doctrines of the gospel (“Little Children,” Ensign, November 1986, 17. He repeated
this point over a decade later in 1997 in “Washed Clean,” May Ensign, 1997.) His perspective is
the foundational basis for this volume.

The study of behavior typically encompasses the field of psychology and modern
counseling theories. In the past century or two there has been an uneasy relationship between
religion and psychology. As examples, B. F. Skinner, a behaviorist and psychologist, and
Sigmund Freud, the father of psychoanalysis, held religion in contempt. There was some basis
for their position as Christianity, prior to the Restoration in 1820, dealt with issues such as the
depravity of man, an overemphasis on sin and guilt that often led to depression and even suicide
among its adherents. However, for Latter-day Saints, the gospel and its doctrines and principles
outline the positive aspects of the plan of salvation that our Heavenly Father has revealed for His
children. With an eternal perspective, doctrines become a form of therapy through an
understanding of the plan that puts the premortal, mortal, and eternal life of man into proper
perspective and becomes a powerful element in behavioral change.

President Packer’s statements coincide with my own experience in teaching marriage and
family relation classes for several decades both at the CES level at Institutes of Religion and at
Brigham Young University, Provo. My personal commitment to a doctrinal approach in
resolving marital issues came many years ago as I was involved in teaching marriage seminars in
various stakes around the Ogden, Utah area and as I participated in the Know Your Religion
series sponsored by Brigham Young University’s Extension Division. Often, after the first
evening of a seminar, I would receive a telephone call from a couple attending the series, a
couple facing serious marital issues. The caller voiced the concern that as a couple they felt that
they required more specific counsel beyond what they perceived would be too general of an
approach in a large group setting. The phone conversation went something like this: “We are in
your seminar in [Kaysville] and we think our problems are more complex that what you can deal
with in a large group setting. Would you be willing to meet with us privately?” Reluctantly, I
agreed, though I knew I would probably say similar things to them in private that I would say in
the seminar. Quite often the caller would end by saying: “You should know that we have been to
a number of counselors in the past and it hasn’t been of much help. But we would like to give it
one more chance, and that is why we are asking you to meet with us. I’m afraid that if you can’t
help us, we’ll probably give up.”
25
 How is that for pressure?! In seeking inspiration on how to help these couples, I felt a
compelling interest to assist them because almost all of them had a temple sealing. My prayer in
their behalf was something on this order: “Heavenly Father, I have a chance to help two of thy
children who are struggling in their marriage relationship. They were married in a temple
ceremony but now they are thinking of ending their relationship. Please help me recall a specific
principle or two that I learned in graduate school and numerous visits with couples that I can use
to help this pair improve their relationship.”

For those familiar with personal revelation, the answer I received may not seem unusual
but at the time, to me, it was surprisingly unexpected. I have since learned that divine answers
seldom come in the way we expect. My expectation was that of receiving inspiration concerning
my coursework from a recently completed Ph. D in Family Studies at the university. I assumed
that some of the nuances of communication, exchange theory, psychological or sociological
theories, or some other concept that I learned in marriage practicums and curricula would be
impressed on my mind to help a couple with specific issues. Rather than receiving counsel
associated with my university training, however, the divine impression was clear: “Get the saints
to live the gospel.” My initial reaction was: “But Father, I live in Utah. These are Church
members. They have attended gospel doctrine classes for years. They are active in the Church
and therefore they know the gospel.” There was simply the directive: “Get the Saints to live the
gospel.”

Looking back on it now, the advantage that I had with this new ‘revelation’ to me was
that I had taught doctrinal and gospel courses in my CES career. I was somewhat prepared for
the answer after I thought about it inasmuch as I had observed that practically all of the doctrines
of the gospel possessed a marriage component. I took this divine communication as a charge
given only to me because I was involved in teaching marriage in a religious setting. It is for this
reason that this volume is appropriately named: “Marital Therapy: A Gospel-Based Approach.”

My personal charge then became: Make gospel doctrines and principles clearly
understandable and applicable to married couples. After being sensitized to this perspective,
the focus became clearer to me that the gospel contains powerful solutions to marital and family
difficulties. After all, is not a temple marriage the crowning ordinance of the gospel? Is it not
reasonable to suppose that God would make this an important topic in the scriptures and one
which His prophets would address frequently? This became my charge: If couples understand
basic gospel doctrines and principles and implement them in their relationships, challenges to
marital disharmony will be much more easily resolved and susceptible to resolution.

In contrast, the secular or non-religious approach, the mainstay of higher education

curricula, is comprised of survey research and statistical models from which principles are
formulated and then applied to solve marital issues. It must necessarily be secular because
religious perspectives are not the domain of the university. That is one reason why the Church
builds Institutes of Religion near college campuses and seminaries for students in the ninth grade
and above. Church leaders want students/members to understand that gospel doctrines and
principles provide an eternal perspective that goes far beyond what secular theories in academic
settings can provide. In fact, Nephi warned that in the last days secular education would
challenge the faith of true believers. He said, speaking of our day, “They have all gone astray

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save it be a few, who are the humble followers of Christ; nevertheless, they are led, that in many
instances they do err because they are taught by the precepts of men” (2 Nephi 28:14; italics
added). They, in this case refers to the ‘humble followers’ of Christ—church members--and the
‘precepts of men’ refers to the secular orientation of the culture in which we live.

This is not to disparage the work of honest secular scholars who study, research, teach,
and write about marriage and family issues because there are many aspects of marriage and
family relations, as I indicated, that are common to all men and women regardless of religious
persuasion. However, modern educational curricula not only neglect spiritual aspects of learning
but often go to some effort to avoid them if not downplay them. That is to be expected. The
principles taught by living Apostles and by prophetic instruction are matters of faith rather than
the subject of scholarly research and application.

Doctrine
Doctrine is typically thought of as the beliefs or tenets of a religious group. The Church
Educational System lists nine doctrines that form the basis of instruction for students within its
curricula. They include the following:

1. The Godhead
2. The Plan of Salvation
3. The Atonement of Jesus Christ
4. Dispensations, Apostasy, and Restoration
5. Prophets and Revelation
6. Priesthood and Priesthood Keys
7. Ordinances and Covenants
8. Marriage and Family
9. The Commandments
(Basic Doctrines, Seminaries and Institutes of Religion)

The doctrine of interest here is the eighth one: ‘Marriage and Family.’ Though among
active Latter-day Saints the nine doctrines listed above would not be a surprise, from personal
experience I have observed that couples dealing with marital conflict have forgotten the
significance of these doctrines and the fact that there is power in them to resolve marital issues.
Every one of them has a connection to marriage. In addition to a lack of understanding doctrines,
couples who mistreat each other lose the Spirit of the Lord in their companionship. The Holy
Ghost is very sensitive to the way in which a covenant husband and wife treat each other. It is a
lesson that missionaries soon learn. If they are not in harmony with each other, if they are at
odds as companions, as servants of the Lord, they will not be as fruitful as they otherwise
would be if they were united in their labors and therefore directed by the Spirit more
frequently.

To be more specific, it has been my observation over the years that the majority of
Church members sincerely believe that if a couple is having serious marital difficulties, secular
counseling is their best recourse. The Saints seem to be of the opinion that the gospel offers little
help in resolving relationship issues and that if serious contention exists in a marriage, secular,
professional counselors are the first line of defense. This perspective is patterned after the medical

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model: If you have a malady, you go to a doctor, a trained professional or one who specializes in
a particular field of medicine.

The Lord has a different system in place. President Boyd K. Packer, in speaking to a
Regional Priesthood Meeting at the Brigham Young University Marriott Center on the Provo
campus a number of years ago, shared an experience with priesthood leaders that reminded me of
my own. Paraphrasing the Apostle’s remarks, he told the gathering: “Occasionally we receive a
call at Church Headquarters from people seeking help in resolving marital problems. On one
occasion a call came into my office from a man seeking assistance. I suggested that he and his
wife go see their bishop. He replied that his bishop earned his living as a salesman while he and
his wife were in need of marital help. President Packer, after a brief exchange, then said, “I’m
sorry that the Church will be unable to help you.” The man was stunned. “The Church can’t help
me?” he said. President Packer then explained: “The Lord has given you a bishop with whom to
counsel. That is His plan. You seem determined to go outside of that system for professional help
so I am sorry that the Church will be unable to help you. I wish you success in resolving your
marital issues.”

I have had this experience many times. The phone call: “Brother Brinley, we need a
marriage counselor. Are you available?” When I respond “No,” they typically ask for a referral.
I say, “Why don’t you go see your bishop?” There is a long pause and then this typical response:
“Well, our bishop is a [carpet salesman, plumber, banker,] and we need a marriage counselor.”
In other words, to them, secular counselors trump an inspired bishop or stake president familiar
with Church doctrines and principles that can effectively resolve serious marital issues for active
Latter-day Saints, the very point that President Packer made about changing behavior.

Why bishops can be effective counselors for active Latter-day Saint Couples
President Harold B. Lee gave this blunt counsel to Church members in need of outside
help: “Teach those who are having problems to go to the father of the ward, their bishop, for
counsel. No psychiatrist in the world, no marriage counselor, can give to those who are
faithful members of the Church the counsel from one any better than the bishop of the
ward. Now, you bishops don't hesitate to say [to couples]: marriage is the (1) law of God, and is
(2) ordained by him and (3) man and wife are not without each other in the Lord, as the apostle
Paul declared.” (Harold B. Lee, Ensign, January 1974, 99; numbers added.)

I want to explain why a bishop has the ability to be helpful to an active LDS couple
struggling with marital difficulties. True, we are not used to thinking of an ecclesiastical leader
as a marriage counselor, yet bishops are in some ways the best help in resolving some issues.
Any deficiency bishops have, especially new bishops, can be attributed to the fact that they too
have grown up with the same bias as most Saints: “If a couple is having marital troubles, they
need professional help.” New bishops are generally fearful to step in to assist a couple because
they have “never taken a psychology course and therefore I wouldn’t know how to counsel a
couple with marital problems.” Therefore, some bishops are quick to refer couples to Church
Family Services where professional help is available. This tendency to refer couples to
professional counselors typically holds true until a bishop has served for a period of time and he
comes to realize that the principle President Packer taught is true. It takes experience for
bishops to learn that they have in their quiver powerful doctrines and principles to help turn

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couples back from the brink of divorce or to make changes in the unhappy patterns that exist in
their marriage.

To be more specific, let’s review why Latter-day Saint couples may struggle in their
marriages: They (1) have stopped praying together as a couple, (2) they are not consistently
reading good Church literature—scriptures, the Ensign magazine, and other inspired church
writings, etc. (3) their temple attendance has dropped off dramatically; (4) their intimate
relationship is no longer blessing their marriage, and (5) Family Home Evenings and date nights
are typically non-existent or neglected to avoid any unpleasantness or confrontation. The result is
a loss of the Lord’s Spirit in the relationship which then pervades the relationship and their home
life. In reality, these are the very areas where bishops are most helpful. A bishop, in his visit,
would typically ask a couple these questions:

1. Are you two kneeling together in prayer morning and night, calling down the
powers of heaven to help you (improve your relationship, resolve issues,
apologize, etc.)? You can be sure that couple prayers have stopped or dropped off
dramatically, or have become very superficial, ‘safe’ prayers with couples that
struggle in their relationship.

2. Are you reading good Church literature—scriptures, Ensign, gospel writings?

Inspired writings strengthen personal testimony and refresh both mind and heart
as to the mission of the Church and the truthfulness of gospel principles and the
significance of marriage and family life. All of this is in addition to bringing the
Lord’s Spirit into our lives as we are reminded of the purposes of mortality.

3. Are you attending the temple together as a couple? Periodically attending the
temple, whether for an endowment session or to occasionally take in a ‘sealing
session,’ couples are privileged to listen again to the covenants applicable to
marriage.

4. Are you enjoying frequent intimate episodes? For example, a bishop might ask:
“When was the last time you two participated in an intimate exchange?” “How is
this aspect of your marriage progressing?” The answers usually are ‘intermittent’
or ‘non-existent.’ Conjugal relations are a commandment extended to couples
when they first marry. One reason for checking on this aspect of marriage was
explained by President Spencer W. Kimball: “If you study the divorces as we
have had to do in these past years, you will find there are . . . several reasons.
Generally sex is the first. They did not get along sexually” (Kimball, Teachings,
312, emphasis added).

5. Is Family Home Evening a consistent practice in your home with Dad presiding
and instructing or delegating lesson material? Generally this is not taking place
on a regular basis.

What secular counselor would investigate these topics with couples with whom they
meet, except maybe Number 4? There are other inquiries a bishop might be prompted to ask, but

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these five are essential. Recall that there are nine suggestions in the Proclamation on the Family
which is also a good place for a bishop to review a couple’s progress. Recall the list: “Successful
marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance,
forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.” Here is a
brief summary of these nine points and their application to marriage:

1. Faith. In this listing, it does not mention faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. It is simply
the word faith. Though no one would question the need for faith in the Savior, who would
question the need that each marriage partner must have faith in himself as well as in his or her
spouse? We surely seek the same blessings and outcomes as a couple, do we not? If a person was
married to an inactive spouse or to one who had not yet joined the church, it would be difficult to
exercise faith that that marriage would qualify for exaltation. We all need faith in each other; we
are both working to achieve similar goals that draw us together as sweethearts.

2. Prayer. There are three prayers that Latter-day Saints typically offer in the home: (1)
individual prayer, (2) couple prayer, and (3) family prayer. The first prayer that typically
ceases when marital conflict arises is couple prayer. After all, who wants to kneel down next to
someone who is exhibiting unpleasantness or displaying an angry temperament? However,
Latter-day Saints have other prayers at different times of the day and they think that if other
prayers are taking place in the home the Lord is still pleased. However, family prayer offers little
help in resolving marital disputes. (Generally children want to offer family prayer and parents
are anxious to let them do so with the idea that children need the practice. But a child’s prayer is
rather superficial and has little impact on a marriage.)

An individual prayer by a spouse can be helpful if the prayer is a sincere plea to this end:
“Heavenly Father, please help me to understand what I can do to improve my marriage. Help me
to be filled with charity and to be a blessing to my companion. Help us restore the love that we
once enjoyed in our relationship. Help me to do my part to make things better.” (It would be of
little value to ask the God of Heaven to change your spouse since you also play a key role in the
rise of most marriage difficulties).

Of course couple prayer is the most important element in keeping a marriage strong and
encouraging the Lord’s Spirit in the relationship. When a husband and wife kneel together
morning and night to express their appreciation to Heavenly Father for his goodness to them, for
their little ones whom they are trying their best to rear, when they express their love to Him for
each other and as they seek His Spirit in their lives and in the lives of their children, then it
makes a great difference in their feelings for each other and has an immediate spirit-felt impact
on happiness. Do not neglect this important practice. Unfortunately, too many have stopped
this important element of marriage that is so crucial in strengthening companionships. In this day
and age, marriage is too challenging to do well without divine assistance and inspiration on how
to be more effective companions and parents.

3. Repentance. It is not an unusual entry. We too often treat those of our own household
worse than we do strangers or friends! As mortals we are guilty of errors and misjudgments in
living our lives and occasionally we commit serious sins. The simple repentance statement
genuinely expressed as “I’m sorry,” goes a long way toward reconciling feelings over negative

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behavior. Being specific is even more helpful. “I’m sorry that I have not been the kind of
husband/wife that I ought to be. I’m sorry to disappoint you in the way I handled that situation.”
When repentance--typically in marriage an apology--is genuine, the spouse’s heart is usually
softened as he or she realizes that he or she is not without fault. As stated previously, prophets
have indicated that selfishness and pride are the twin deterrents to a great marriage. The reason?
These two traits prevent individuals from repenting, from apologizing, from taking
responsibility for their contribution to any marital disharmony. Selfishness and pride prevent
humility and efforts to change behavior that greatly enrich marriage (see Chapter 1 ).

4. Forgiveness. One of the problems that arises in helping couples turn their relationship
in a more positive direction takes place when a couple, because of selfishness and pride, fails to
repent or apologize. Then, unless they are wise, they begin to share examples of their spouse’s
weaknesses with others—family members and perhaps friends. These individuals to whom they
tell their side of the story and provide examples of their spouse’s deficiencies are then drawn into
their side of the story which typically provides reinforcement by agreeing that their spouse is
being unreasonable. Consider how difficult it would be after convincing friends that your
perspective is the correct one, to then go to a counselor--professional or ecclesiastical--and admit
after gaining insight during a session that he or she was a major contributor to the couple’s
difficulties? Would it not be difficult to confess: “Honey, after listening to you tell the bishop
about what has been happening in our home, I can see that I have really disappointed you; I have
not been the kind of husband/wife I should be. Please forgive me. I hope you can overlook my
poor example, my negativity. I promise you that I will not let that happen again.” Such an
admission would be difficult for a person to express after gathering allies beforehand to his or
her side. Forgiveness is not easy; forgetting is even more difficult but both are required if one is
to wear the label of ‘saint.’ Repentance and forgiveness are more difficult when pride and
selfishness exist in the heart of either spouse.

5. Respect. Thankfully, males and females are different in important ways, ways that
become even more apparent once we marry. We differ physically, of course, but also
emotionally in the way we live life and react to events. In the Church it is generally assumed
that a husband is the ‘head of the family’ by priesthood assignment, but problems arise when a
husband believes that being the ‘head’ means that he is now the boss. Rather than saying to his
wife, “I’ll go see what the Lord wants us to do and let you know what he tells me,” a husband
would be better off to see his wife as his equal partner, as his confidant, and as his counselor and
that they are a team of equals. Couples are to discuss and come to mutually-agreeable
solutions or clarifications that require input from both. In other words, both husband and wife
must respect the opinion of a spouse and calmly work together to resolve the multitude of issues
that require resolution--financial, relationship, intimacy, in-laws, schooling, careers, etc. Being
the ‘head of the family’ simply means that the husband insures that family rituals--family prayer,
family councils, family home evening, scripture study and other issues that require leadership,
take place. Husband and wife are to have an equal say in decision-making. It is similar to the
model of a bishop who counsels with his counselors and Ward Council members to determine
what is best for the ward family. A wise bishop does not organize and dictate the details of every
ward activity.

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 6. Love. Marriage authorizes conjugal relations. In addition to this expression, however,
there are many ways of conveying love messages to a spouse: holding hands, frequent hugs, back
and foot rubs, massages, winks, smiles--activities with which every loving couple ought to be
familiar. Physical expressions of affection and love are integral parts of married life. We marry
with the intent of expressing genuine affection for one another both verbally and non-verbally.

7. Compassion. Marriage and family life bring events that call for compassion. I recall
my wife’s need to go through a series of chemotherapy treatments that resulted in the loss of her
beautiful head of hair which unceremoniously began to fall out in clumps after a couple of
weeks. She asked me to shave her head in preparation for wearing a wig. As I ran the clippers
over her head reducing it to a state of baldness, I felt great compassion for my sweetheart.
During childbirth, during sickness, during the death of parents and siblings and other events that
impact us individually, compassion is, like charity, one of the great attributes in a loving
companionship. Compassion is absent in couples involved in conflict and contention.

8. Work. Every couple must gather resources through employment options in order to
meet expenses--rent, utilities, transportation, schooling, children, etc. A work ethic is an
essential part of a couple’s commitment to each other whether that work takes place in or out of
the home. Work habits are essential in providing resources that allow a couple to carry out life
with a measure of mutual satisfaction and calmness knowing that both are frugal and capable of
providing income to meet family needs. It is often the mismanagement of funds that complicates
marriage relations.

9. Wholesome Recreational Activities. Every couple and family member require

recreational or leisure outlets to re-focus life. To engage in exercise, hobbies, and other leisure
outlets enriches and develops positive feelings for each family member. Couples need activities
that involve some playfulness, a sense of humor, a time to enjoy their companionship as they did
when they were dating and impressing each other with their sparkling personalities! Family
home evening activities contribute to feelings of family togetherness.

These nine suggestions are simple topics that bishops can explore with couples to observe
their use, functionality, cooperation, and approach to solving marital issues.

Only Bishops dare begin a visit with prayer

Never would a secular counselor suggest in meeting with a couple that they begin their
time together with prayer. Of course the reasoning is sound: If a counselor suggests that prayer
be offered and one of the spouse’s church activities have dropped off, the counselor would
obviously be on the side of the most active church member who would favor prayer. Individuals
are very anxious to know whose side the counselor is on!

However, in a Church setting, especially in visiting with a couple that married in the
temple, this practice should be an obvious beginning unless the Spirit suggests otherwise.
Perhaps the first time, the bishop could take the opportunity to pray in behalf of the couple in this
manner: “Heavenly Father, I love [Jim and Carol] and they are struggling with some marital
issues that require inspiration and help from Thee. Please be with us as we discuss ways in
which we can improve this marriage, ideas that will be clear and helpful to them. Help us see

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ways in which they may cordially work together to resolve conflict and differences that are
having such a negative impact on them at the present time. Please bless us with insights and
thoughts on how to unite their hearts as they were the day they were sealed together.”

Here is another thought on why a bishop might be an effective counselor for temple-
married couples. Bishops are married, are typically parents, and usually have a good grasp of
gospel principles while they themselves married in the temple. No doubt they deal with similar
day-to-day issues and problems in their own marriages, problems that afflict most of their
married congregants. Plus, they are set apart as a bishop over a congregation with a divine
mantle and right to receive inspiration in behalf of ward members. They are comfortable in
giving priesthood blessings to one or both spouses. This is the Lord’s system for marital help, as
President Packer indicated. Of course, a couple is free to go elsewhere and perhaps some
couples may be too proud to go to someone they know well, one who might also be their
neighbor as well as their counselor. For a variety of reasons the saints often prefer to seek
professional help and that is certainly their decision and choice. If they feel that the bishop is
too close as a friend, they also have a Stake President who is generally more distant from
the ward setting where they should feel safe and confident in being treated fairly.

To indicate the influence a bishop has compared with that of a traditional counselor may
be gleaned from this experience. A husband was being verbally abusive to his wife and had been
so over a period of time. Many in the ward were aware that the marriage was not going well from
outward signs that were clearly manifest. The wife’s self-esteem was at a low ebb and she didn’t
know how to deal with her husband’s abuse. Even the neighbors heard him berate her one time
when the couple was in the back yard. The bishop was notified of the problem by a neighbor.
The bishop called the husband in and talked with him about his treatment of his wife, a couple
incidentally who had married in the temple years earlier. The bishop said to the husband, “Jim, I
am concerned with the way you are treating your wife.” After listening to his explanation (and
often defense), the bishop said firmly, “I’m going to check back with your wife in a couple of
weeks and if your treatment of her has not improved, I’m going to release you from your Church
calling. That is not the way a holder of the Melchizedek Priesthood should treat his wife. Please
go home and see if you can make things better at your house.” (The reason for telling the
husband that he, as bishop, is going to check back with the wife in a couple of weeks is to insure
that the husband does not berate his wife for revealing incidents in their marriage to the bishop.
Also, reviewing the five questions above and seeking a commitment to embrace them might be
helpful for the bishop to review at this point.) The bishop could have gone one step further if
behavior did not change after a period of time: “If after a couple of weeks your wife indicates
that you are still mistreating her, I want you to give up your temple recommend.” Recall that one
of the recommend questions has to do with home life. Bishops have much more ‘power’ to help
couples treat each other better when the bishop is aware of what is transpiring in a couple’s
home. (A traditional councilor has no such ‘power’ or influence over a husband. The same
process could be in reverse, with the wife being called in by the bishop to check her treatment of
her husband. Of course he can always have both partners come in together for a visit.)

Years ago, on one occasion I spoke at a Know Your Religion lecture in California. I was
discussing with the group how the gospel contains the solution to most marital problems for
active Latter-day Saints. At the end of my presentation, a man approached me and told me this

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story: “You have no idea how many counselors my wife and I have been to in our married lives.
We have spent thousands of dollars in counseling fees. I finally ran out of money and decided to
go to my bishop. He was younger than we were. He explained how he and his wife had solved
similar marital issues to ours and I thought to myself afterward, “Well if he can solve his marital
issues why can’t we?” We have been happily married now for the past five years because we
learned from a humble bishop that the gospel really is the best source of bringing about marital
happiness. We apologized to each other, made the sacrament meaningful again as we renewed
our covenants, then we got back to the temple where we began years ago and realized that our
children deserved parents who loved each other. We humbled ourselves and started living the
gospel to a greater degree than ever before and let me tell you, it is the answer to marital
problems.”

Another reason bishops can be helpful with members is that except where mental health
issues exist, please note that exception, most married couples struggle in marriage because of
selfishness, pride, stubbornness, impatience, an unwillingness to communicate in conversational
tones, anger, silence, an unwillingness to apologize, to forgive, to forget, to repent, or from a
lack of appreciation for a spouse’s contribution to the marriage. These problems are attitudinal in
nature and are elements that cause the Holy Ghost to abandon the relationship. It was President
Spencer W. Kimball who said, “Every divorce is the result of selfishness,” (Teachings of
Spencer W. Kimball, 312,) meaning that except for mental health issues--depression,
schizophrenia, addictions, etc.--most issues that plague Latter-day Saint couples are best
addressed through repentance and a recommitment to live gospel principles in order to regain the
Spirit of the Lord in their homes.

It was President Kimball’s view that divorce was a matter of selfishness. President Ezra
Taft Benson voiced the opinion that pride destroys marriage relationships. President Gordon B.
Hinckley agreed with President Kimball on selfishness being the ‘root cause’ of marital
disharmony that so often leads to divorce. The existence of either selfishness or pride in one or
both marriage partners prevents repentance, apologies, and accepting responsibility for their part
in a deteriorating relationship. It does take two righteous people to make a great marriage! One
who has become careless in living gospel principles can do great harm to a marriage!

To counter the effects of selfishness and pride in a marital relationship, President Gordon
B. Hinckley offered this simple perspective: “A happy marriage is not so much a matter of
romance as it is an anxious concern for the welfare and comfort of your spouse” (“What God
Hath Joined Together,” Ensign, May 1991, 73). Possessing an ‘anxious concern’ for the welfare
of a spouse helps one concentrate on the happiness of a companion rather than self-absorption.
This concern is sure to eliminate both selfishness and pride. Surely, any husband or wife that
lives with a spouse that can easily and genuinely apologize cannot help but appreciate such
humility. Such a simply key to a great marriage—a mutual concern for the comfort and
wellbeing of a spouse.

Here is another way in which either a church or secular counselor can be effective: Most
couples who come for counseling are operating at a telestial level of behavior (fighting,
quarreling, using the silent treatment to punish a spouse, avoiding intimacy, using angry
outbursts and arguments in an attempt to overpower the other, etc.). Counselors help move

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couples from this level of behavior to a terrestrial level (respectful, civil, positive
communication sequences, polite, willing to listen, etc.). This is a wonderful service that
effective counselors perform in their ability to move couples from a disappointing level of
performance to a higher one. However, to qualify for the Celestial Kingdom requires a temple
recommend, covenants and ordinances, and couples who will conform their lives to gospel
principles. This eligibility can only come through a bishop and stake president, for these two
men hold priesthood keys that enable couples to obtain and qualify for the highest of kingdoms
in the post-mortal glories. Recall D&C 131:1-4: “In the celestial glory there are three heavens or
degrees; And in order to obtain the highest, a man must enter into this order of the priesthood
[meaning the new and everlasting covenant of marriage]; And if he does not, he cannot obtain
it.” ‘It,’ in this verse, is a pronoun referring to the highest degree of glory within the celestial
kingdom. An explanation of why a couple must enter into a temple marriage to qualify for the
highest of heavenly opportunities will be the subject of Chapter 8.

Professional counselors also deal with common themes of respect and civility to help
couples establish a more humane companionship. There are elements in the lives of all humans
by which principles of human relations apply without regard to covenants and ordinances or
church membership. In my own graduate studies I too was involved in trying to help couples
move from a telestial to a higher level of behavior and recall many times coming home after a
class or help session and giving my wife a hug and a kiss as I expressed to her how thankful I
was for her companionship. I expressed to her that the quality of our marriage was wonderful
compared to the dysfunctional practices of couples I had just witnessed. However, my analysis of
married couples who struggled in their relationship was that, rather than them being casualties
of severe mental health issues, they were typically more prone to personality issues and
practices that devolved into a loss of the Lord’s Spirit in their marriage. In other words, it was a
lack of application of gospel principles—patience, love, repentance, kindness, meekness,
humility, etc. that were the most obvious problems. Of course, whether it is secular
professionals or Church agents that help couples move toward a higher plane of behavior is
not the important issue here; the critical element is the couple’s return to a stable and
loving relationship by whatever means they can regain insights and a desire to live the
gospel in their home.

Mental Health Issues: The Value and Need for Professional Counseling
I need to re-emphasize an important point here. Professional help and personal or couple
counseling is essential in cases where mental health issues exist and persist: clinical depression,
bi-polar disorders, schizophrenia, paranoia, personality disorders, addictions--to list only a few
serious maladies. Persons suffering from severe mental health issues need more assistance than
a bishop or stake president can render. Reading the Book of Mormon, or studying gospel
principles, or being told to ‘just pray about it,’ for example, are not likely to help individuals
suffering with serious maladies. Providentially, we live in a day when an abundance of
medications are available and when combined with professional counseling methods, allows
competent professionals to help individuals suffering from severe emotional and mental issues.
For these reasons, the Church operates Family Service offices in areas where sufficient numbers
of members live. It must be emphasized that too often Church members are hesitant to seek
professional help when it is desperately needed. General Authorities of the Church have been
clear concerning the need for outside help where mental health issues exist (for example, see

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Elder Jeffrey R. Holland’s conference address entitled “Like a Broken Vessel,” October 2013
General Conference).

It might be wise at this point to suggest that in the dating phase of courtship, individuals
should be sensitive to mental health issues that may exist or persist in those whom they date.
This is an important reason for couples to go together for a sufficient period of time prior to
engagement or marriage in order to observe the mental and emotional health of a prospective
spouse’s makeup or where a mental health problem might endanger the success of a relationship.
Thankfully, many elements of mental health can be controlled by medication and acceptable
counseling protocols. Where a mental health issue does exist, both individuals can determine if
such limitations may affect their decision to marry and if they decide to proceed, both are willing
to accept whatever requirements are necessary to provide stability and compassion with a spouse
afflicted by any such issues.

The need for this counsel in the beginning stages of getting acquainted stems from the
fact that typically individuals are on their best behavior when dating and it is possible to disguise
or submerge marginal mental health issues for short periods of time, issues that often do not
surface until after some stress arises in marriage. It is possible to control behavior for a few hours
or portions of a day especially when there is little pressure in the dating environment where we
want to appear happy and fully functioning individuals. Marriage often brings stressors that are
not obvious before marriage compared with when we are together 24/7 and have major,
important decisions to make as companions. Perhaps the caution ought to be emphasized that
couples date for a sufficient period of time prior to marriage in order to insure
compatibility on both emotional and spiritual levels. It is critical that each one learns
something of a prospective spouse’s moods, temperament, emotional reactions and history
of any long-term medical needs, need for counseling, or if drug or pornography addictions
exist now or have been burdensome in the past. It is not enough to simply say “we are in
love” or that “love is blind,” and then expect to easily handle the emotional and practical
demands of marriage. It is in dating that we want to observe each other closely as we seek a
strong basis for a marriage relationship.

It goes without saying that each dating partner ought to look carefully at a prospective
spouse’s family to observe the marriages of his or her parents and siblings in assessing what
factors might affect them in their own marriage. As an example, it is clear that anger is a great
destroyer of marriage and family life. Learning about temper and anger management on the part
of a prospective spouse before marriage is critical for both parties. Couples do that by spending
time together in a variety of activities: playing tennis, observing driving habits, babysitting a
single mom’s children to observe a man’s attitude as a father of children, shopping together,
spending time observing each other’s families, participating in homemaking skills and
possessing an ability to deal with clutter, babies, as examples. Maybe it could be said, tongue-in-
cheek, that future in-laws are anxious to marry off one of their adult children and may project a
happy home atmosphere when in reality, contention and control issues underlie the family’s
emotional system. Time is of the essence in the dating and courting phases of a relationship and
both individuals must have their eyes wide open with all physical senses operating!

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Divorce
We live in an era when divorce, even among temple-married couples, has escalated. I
know of no statement by any prophet that divorce is forbidden or unnecessary but it should be
infrequent. There are couples who marry for the wrong reasons, who do not investigate
compatibility factors prior to marriage, whose negative personality attributes were hidden or
disguised during the courtship period or that began to develop by not applying gospel principles
in their lives, or who have lost the Spirit of the Lord through transgression. Pornography is an
obvious example. It is clear that such couples are better off being separated when abuse,
adultery, and major transgressions are on-going. But such separations should be relatively scarce
among those who are under divine covenant, and who have a basic knowledge of Church
doctrines. You do not want to be the one responsible for breaking covenants which both parties
embraced in their temple ceremony.

Divorce has so many negative impacts on the couple and children that are left behind.
Single parents struggle with income issues, generally. Mothers often must return to work if they
have been full-time mothers inasmuch as child support funds are usually inadequate and with no-
fault divorce, alimony is seldom awarded. Children come home to an empty house with access to
television and Internet capabilities, and what teenager today doesn’t have access to a
smartphone? Mom is tired after a day of work and may be somewhat indulgent with her children
because she needs some down time. When children are with their father, he wants to know what
his ex-wife is doing and is often critical of her. When they are with their mother, she wants to
know what her ex-husband is doing and is often critical of him. When both spouses are critical
of their former companion, children can be hurt by negative comments that often damage their
own sex role development. What boy wants to hear his mother criticize his father? What girl
wants to hear her father criticize her mother? Often parents try to win over children to their side
by extravagant outings/clothing/expenditures, etc. Church activity of the new single parent
usually drops off and the children’s chances of serving a mission and of marrying in the temple
are dramatically reduced. “Why marry in the temple when it did my parents little good.” The
youth culture of our day draws children to tattoos, rock music, extreme hair styles, and of course
children left without both parents living in their home are more prone to psychological problems.

There are not many good reasons for couples to divorce when you assess the damage that
typically comes to children and the couple themselves. If divorce is necessary to prevent physical
or emotional abuse, it is incumbent on both spouses, after divorce, to do their best to avoid being
critical of the other and to do their best to set a good behavioral example in order to bless each
child in spite of the divorce. Children will survive much better if both parents cooperate to make
sure that the children feel loved by both. Children should understand reasons for their parent’s
separation in very general terms only if they are of sufficient maturity.

Can you now see why divorce is not a part of the gospel plan? No wonder President
Spencer W. Kimball called divorce a ‘sin’ and President Gordon B. Hinckley called it a
‘scourge.’ For a couple once sufficiently in love to schedule a temple sealing (where the Lord
confers upon them every blessing necessary to succeed), to now divorce, is a great
disappointment to all concerned. As they contemplate their future as singles, would this not be
the best time to work to regain the Spirit of the Lord and make marriage the kind of a
companionship pleasing to each other and worthy of a divine stamp of approval?

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 Chapter 5

The Doctrine of the Godhead – Elohim a Husband and Father

In this chapter I want to take a closer look at a specific doctrine and explain how it provides
powerful incentives to encourage us to be better marriage partners. It is the doctrine of the
Godhead. This heavenly quorum is comprised of Elohim—our Heavenly Father, His Son, Jesus
Christ--the Jehovah of the Old Testament--and the Holy Ghost, who like Jehovah, is a spirit son
of Heavenly Parents. Historically, understanding these three individuals has been the most
confusing concept in all of religious history and theology. For example, it was not until the
restoration of the true nature of the Godhead that came about through the First Vision of the
Prophet Joseph Smith that we learned finally that they are separate individuals! The idea of a 3-
in-1 Trinity permeated the religious scene for practically two millennia and continues even
today! Because of the Restoration, we now know our relationship to each member of the
Godhead. An important reason for understanding more about these members for Latter-
day Saints is that each celestial ordinance—baptism and sealings—are all performed in the
name of all three members! It is therefore incumbent upon us to understand who they are, how
we relate to them, how they influence our lives, and what their interest is in our progress,
especially married couples.

How is it possible to know how to worship the God of the Universe if we know nothing
about Him, His nature, and His relationship to us as mortals? The Lord said to Joseph Smith,
after mentioning Himself and the Father, “I give unto you these sayings that you may understand
and know how to worship, and know what you worship, that you may come unto the Father in
my name, and in due time receive of his fullness” (D&C 93:19, italics added).

What we familiarly call the First Vision revealed answers to the age-old questions
concerning the nature of God Himself and His Son, Jesus Christ. From the time of the Nicene
Creed, a creed derived from a council of church bishops called by Constantine, the Roman
Emperor in 325 A. D. until the year 1820, the nature of God was the most confusing and difficult
of all religious concepts. When the Prophet Joseph Smith came out of the grove, having seen
two separate personages, the view that the Godhead was simply an incomprehensible mystery
was shattered and obsolete. A further understanding of their physical natures came from this
revelation: “The Father has a body of flesh and bones as tangible as man’s; the Son also; but the
Holy Ghost has not a body of flesh and bones, but is a personage of Spirit” (D&C 130:22.)
Tangible, of course means that God has a physical body that can be touched and seen.

There is no need to review the historical concept of the Godhead here. Suffice it to say
that the Catholic view of the Godhead as stated by Thomas Aquinas, a Catholic theologian who
lived from 1225-1274 A.D. was: “We cannot know what God is. One reaches the highest point
of one’s knowledge about God when one knows that one does not know him” (Davies, Thoughts
of Thomas Aquinas, 54). St. Augustine (354-430 A.D.), another Catholic scholar said “If you can
understand it, it’s not God” (McGrath, Understanding the Trinity, 111). Then, following the
apostasy after the Savior’s death, Gnostic and Greek and later Roman influences concluded that

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God is immaterial, invisible, unknown and unknowable, a spirit essence that fills all of space,
without body, parts, or passions; a three persons-in-one Trinity.

Elder Quentin R. Cook explained the importance of the restoration of our knowledge of
our Heavenly Father: “Among the first principles lost in the Apostasy was an understanding of
God the Father. It is not surprising, then, that among the first principles revealed in the
Restoration was an understanding of God the Father. By priority, the first declaration of faith by
Latter-day Saints is “We believe in God, the Eternal Father” (A. of Faith, 1:1). Members of the
Church understand that God the Father is the Supreme Governor of the universe. . . . (“The
Doctrine of the Father,” Ensign, February 2012, 33.)

God the Father

One of the most important revelations given in this dispensation has to do with the nature
of Elohim, our Heavenly Father. After centuries of reciting man-made creeds, creeds written by
individuals who had never seen or interacted with Him, Joseph Smith threw back the curtain of
eternity to reveal the true nature of the Father. “It is necessary for us to have an understanding of
God himself in the beginning,” said the latter-day revelator. “If men do not comprehend the
character of God, they do not comprehend themselves” (Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith,
343).

Joseph Smith gave more detail about our Father when he articulated this principle: “God
himself was once as we are now, and is an exalted man, and sits enthroned in yonder heavens!
That is the great secret. . . . It is the first principle of the Gospel to know for a certainty the
Character of God, and to know that we may converse with him as one man converses with
another, and that he was once a man like us; yea, that God himself, the Father of us all, dwelt on
an earth, the same as Jesus Christ himself did. . . .” (Teachings, 345-346).

It is apparent from Joseph’s statement that our Heavenly Father once lived on an earth as
we do now, a place where apparently He was born, lived, married, created a family, died and was
resurrected just as we anticipate our own cycle to unfold. This celestial couple achieved a state
of immortality as exalted beings, as gods, as we seek to do. As resurrected beings, they retained
the power to generate life. Their offspring are referred to as spirit children because resurrected
bodies no longer possess blood as do mortals, but are activated by spirit substance. Simply put,
we lived as the spirit offspring of a glorified and resurrected Male and Female, literal Parents of
our spirit bodies in a pre-mortal sphere. That realm is a Celestial Kingdom and according to
Abraham’s explanation, is located near Kolob (see Abraham Facsimile #2, figure 1, note the
word ‘residence.’ See also Abr. 3:1-4, 9). It seems logical then that this location identified by
Abraham is where our spirit birth took place and where we were reared to an adult spirit stature.

Heavenly Parents
In the 1995 document we commonly call the ‘Proclamation on the Family’ composed by
the First Presidency and The Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, we find these important sentences:
“All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit
son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is
an essential characteristic of individual pre-mortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose”
(The Family: A Proclamation to the World, Ensign, Nov. 1995:102.)

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 Elder Dallin H. Oaks reiterated this principle: “Our theology begins with heavenly
parents. Our highest aspiration is to be like them” (“Apostasy and Restoration,” Ensign, May
1995, 87). On another occasion he taught a similar concept: “Our theology begins with heavenly
parents and our highest aspiration is to attain the fulness of eternal exaltation” (“No Other Gods,”
Ensign, November 2013, 73).

Mother in Heaven
In order to have heavenly parents, we must have a mother in heaven. Though this concept
has been known to Latter-day Saints for nearly two centuries, not much has been said about it
publicly over the years, perhaps because this doctrine is so different from what contemporary
Christians believe. (We have enough persecution concerning doctrine that varies from traditional
Christian teachings and perhaps has been one reason for public silence.) However, in recent
years, there have been numerous General Conference addresses that have mentioned this point
Below are excerpts from an article posted on the Church’s website:

“The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints teaches that all human beings,
male and female, are beloved spirit children of heavenly parents, a Heavenly Father and a
Heavenly Mother. This understanding is rooted in scriptural and prophetic teachings
about the nature of God, our relationship to Deity, and the godly potential of men and
women. The doctrine of a Heavenly Mother is a cherished and distinctive belief among
Latter-day Saints.
While there is no record of a formal revelation to Joseph Smith on this doctrine,
some early Latter-day Saint women recalled that he personally taught them about a
Mother in Heaven. The earliest published references to the doctrine appeared shortly after
Joseph Smith’s death in 1844, in documents written by his close associates. The most
notable expression of the idea is found in a poem by Eliza R. Snow, entitled “My Father
in Heaven” and now known as the hymn “O My Father.” This text declares: “In the
heav’ns are parents single? / No, the thought makes reason stare; / Truth is reason—truth
eternal / Tells me I’ve a mother there.”
Subsequent Church leaders have affirmed the existence of a Mother in Heaven. In
1909, the First Presidency taught that “all men and women are in the similitude of the
universal Father and Mother, and are literally the sons and daughters of Deity.” Susa
Young Gates, a prominent leader in the Church, wrote in 1920 that Joseph Smith’s
visions and teachings revealed the truth that “the divine Mother, [is] side by side with the
divine Father.” And in “The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” issued in 1995, the
First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles declared, “Each [person] is a
beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature
and destiny.”
Prophets have taught that our Heavenly Parents work together for the salvation of
the human family. “We are part of a divine plan designed by Heavenly Parents who love
us,” taught Elder M. Russell Ballard of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. President
Harold B. Lee stated, “We forget that we have a Heavenly Father and a Heavenly Mother
who are even more concerned, probably, than our earthly father and mother, and that
influences from beyond are constantly working to try to help us when we do all we can.”
Latter-day Saints direct their worship to Heavenly Father, in the name of Christ, and
do not pray to Heavenly Mother. In this, they follow the pattern set by Jesus Christ, who

40
 taught His disciples to “always pray unto the Father in my name.” Latter-day Saints are
taught to pray to Heavenly Father, but as President Gordon B. Hinckley said, “The fact
that we do not pray to our Mother in Heaven in no way belittles or denigrates her.”
Indeed, as Elder Rudger Clawson wrote, ‘We honor woman when we acknowledge
Godhood in her eternal Prototype.’
As with many other truths of the gospel, our present knowledge about a Mother in
Heaven is limited. Nevertheless, we have been given sufficient knowledge to appreciate
the sacredness of this doctrine and to comprehend the divine pattern established for us as
children of heavenly parents. Latter-day Saints believe that this pattern is reflected in
Paul’s statement that “neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without
the man, in the Lord.” Men and women cannot be exalted without each other. Just as we
have a Father in Heaven, we have a Mother in Heaven. As Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the
Quorum of the Twelve Apostles has said, “Our theology begins with heavenly parents.
Our highest aspiration is to be like them” (see lds.org, official newsroom; search ‘Mother
in Heaven’ for article and footnotes; October 23, 2015).

This statement concerning the existence of a heavenly mother is reasonable to Latter-day

Saints inasmuch as we understand that following death the elements of our mortal body will be
combined with our spirit body in a state of immortality as a male or female. We will never be
subject to death again and resurrected bodies retain their gender forever. A temple sealing unites
a couple in this life enabling a companionship to extend into eternity. Men and women sealed by
priesthood authority are resurrected as exalted couples who retain procreative powers allowing
the creation of spirit offspring just as we were created by Heavenly Parents in a premortal era.

We Were Literal Spirit Sons and Daughters of Heavenly Parents in the Premortal Sphere
This is an important concept in the Restoration as President Russell M. Nelson explained:
“We realize that only the comprehension of the true Fatherhood of God can bring full
appreciation of the true brotherhood of men and the true sisterhood of women” (Church
News, June 10, 2018, cover page).

Elder Bruce R. McConkie explained: “We all lived as spirit beings, as children of the
Eternal Father, for an infinitely long period of time in the premortal existence. There we
developed talents, gifts, and aptitudes; there our capacities and abilities took form, there, by
obedience to law, we were endowed with the power, in one degree or another, to believe the truth
and follow the promptings of the Spirit. And the talent of greatest worth was that of spirituality,
for it enables us to hearken to the Holy Spirit and accept that gospel which prepares us for eternal
life” (New Witness for the Articles of Faith, 33.)

The Lord explained to Joseph Smith in D&C 77 that the two bodies which we now
possess are similar in general appearance. He explained “that which is spiritual being in the
likeness of that which is temporal; and that which is temporal in the likeness of that which is
spiritual; the spirit of man in the likeness of his person” . . . . (vs. 2). From this scripture we
learn that our individual spirit body appears similar to the mortal body which we now possess.
Was that not what the Lord explained to Moses? “And God said, Let us make man in our image,
after our likeness: . . . So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he

41
him; male and female created he them” (Genesis 1:26-27). Man and God are of the same
species. We are His literal offspring.

It is necessary to understand the reality of being a spirit being if we are to understand our
history. There is an account in the Book of Mormon of the Savior appearing in His premortal
spirit body to the Brother of Jared. Ether recorded an account of this prophet seeing the Savior.
He quoted: “I saw the finger of the Lord . . . I knew not that the Lord had flesh and blood.” The
prophet was then corrected by the Lord when he learned that it was not a flesh and blood finger
or body in which Jehovah appeared. “This body is the body of my spirit” the Savior explained.
Ether then recorded: “Jesus showed himself unto this man in the spirit” (Ether 3:8, 17).

In this scriptural account was Jesus an infant? A toddler? A teenager? Or, was He
was a full grown male spirit. Of course He came in His stature as an adult spirit being.
From this account we deduce that all of us began life in a premortal setting as children
born to heavenly parents and then reared to an adult stature prior to coming to the earth
to inhabit our present mortal body.

President Brigham Young explained our relationship to our Heavenly Father:

I want to tell you, each and every one of you, that you are well acquainted with
your Heavenly Father, or the great Elohim. You are all well acquainted with Him, for
there is not a soul of you but what has lived in His house and dwelt with Him year after
year--and yet you are (now) seeking to become acquainted with Him, when the fact is,
you have merely forgotten what you did know. . . There is not a person here today but
what is a son or a daughter of that Being. In the spirit world their spirits were first
begotten and brought forth, and they lived there with their parents for ages before they
came here. . . If you do not believe it, cease to call Him Father; and when you pray, pray
to some other character” (Journal of Discourses, 4:216, italics added).

Over a century ago the First Presidency taught this principle in an official statement: “We
are to understand that only resurrected and glorified beings can become parents of spirit
offspring . . . and these spirits born to them in the eternal worlds will, in due sequence, pass
through the several stages or estates by which the glorified parents have attained exaltation. (30
June l9l6, James R. Clark, Messages of the First Presidency, 5:34).

We are presently passing through our Second Estate, the First Estate being that of our
premortal life. Elder Melvin J. Ballard, a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of an
earlier time, provided a more detailed explanation of the process whereby a spirit body is created
by resurrected parents:

What do we mean by endless or eternal increase? We mean that through the

righteousness and faithfulness of men and women who keep the commandments of God
they will come forth with celestial bodies, fitted and prepared to enter into their great,
high and eternal glory in the celestial kingdom of God, and unto them, through their
preparation there will come children, who will be spirit children. I don't think that is
very difficult to comprehend and understand. The nature of the offspring is determined

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 by the nature of the substance that flows in the veins of the being. When blood flows in
the veins of the being, the offspring will be what blood produces, which is tangible
flesh and bone, but when that which flows in the veins is spirit matter, a substance
which is more refined and pure and glorious than blood, the offspring of such beings
will be ‘spirit children’ (Melvin J. Ballard, Three Degrees of Glory, pamphlet, 10).

As indicated earlier, each of us has two sets of parents: One set provided us with an
immortal male or female spirit body, the ‘real’ us (obvious when you view the body of a loved
one at their viewing before the funeral), and another set of parents that gave us a male or female
body of element as a counterpart to our spirit body. These two bodies when united constitute the
‘soul’ of man (D&C 88:15). Therefore, when an adult dies, he or she will be resurrected as an
adult. When a child dies, however, the child will be resurrected as a child and will need to grow
its resurrected body to its adult stature after it comes forth from the grave. The same
materials that compose our physical bodies on earth will be part of the newly resurrected body.

After this life, we will never again be a child unless we die in childhood in which case we
will need to grow the resurrected body to its adult state after resurrection. Here is a simple truth:
“A child is an adult spirit in a newly born body. . . We lived and dwelt with him for ages and
eons before our mortal birth. We are adults before birth; we are adults at death” (Bruce R.
McConkie, “The Salvation of Little Children,” Ensign, April, 1977, 3-7; italics added).

The Significance of Knowing that We Have Heavenly Parents

Consider the significance of having heavenly parents. Perhaps this concept is most
easily understood by considering our own future--advancing our own lives ahead to a time
when we are resurrected and this earth becomes a celestial sphere for our habitation (D&C
88:20). It will be a Celestial Kingdom, a place where righteous couples will live as families.
Those meriting life on this glorified, sanctified earth will be those who have known and lived the
gospel, who honored covenants with Deity, and who conformed their lives to celestial principles.
Those who nourish their marriages in mortality will, like our heavenly parents before us, be
worthy of exaltation as couples.

The question naturally arises: “What do eternal sweethearts do as resurrected individuals

no longer subject to death?” “Do they possess procreative powers in their resurrected state?”
The answer is yes. Resurrected couples, through this union, create a male or female ‘spirit’
body.

Obviously, our Heavenly Parents are not a solitary couple presiding over a vast number
of spirit children on a glorified planet somewhere in space. It seems reasonable to conclude
that when they lived on an earth as mortals, they carried out their quest for exaltation
similar to that through which we are now passing. There were surely others who lived on
the same world as they did and gained exaltation along with them: siblings, parents, and
faithful members of their ‘wards and stakes,’ as examples. The Lord explained it best to the
Prophet of the Restoration: “And that same sociality which exists among us here will exist
among us there [Celestial Kingdom], only [there] it will be coupled with eternal glory, which
glory we do not now enjoy” (D&C 129:2).

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 We will not live as solitary couples either after this life but we will have the association
of family and friends and mingle with those with whom we were acquainted in this life. We are
inherently social beings by nature. We especially cherish acquaintances with family members.
We enjoy living among and associating with other ‘saints.’ We are interested in their lives and
the events that take place in their families. Who would not want to continue to associate with the
same people with whom we lived our mortal lives?

To Latter-day Saints, exaltation is not living in a state of continual worship or praising of

God as many Christians view heaven. Though He will always be the father of our spirit body,
we will, as resurrected, exalted beings, become like our Heavenly Parents just as our children in
this life become adult associates with us. Heaven is a place where God’s family has matured
sufficiently by living the laws of a Celestial Kingdom in a telestial sphere, and who, over
time, proved capable of living among other exalted beings.

Our Heavenly Father has a reat nterest in our rogress as Married Couples
Two ordinances are performed in the name of the entire Godhead: Baptism and
sealings, including marriage and sealing children to parents. Baptism is called the Covenant of
Salvation, for it is the gate to the Celestial Kingdom through which all its inhabitants must pass.
Marriage, or the sealing of a man and wife, is called the Covenant of Exaltation because it is the
gate to the highest degree of glory within the Celestial Kingdom.

“In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost” is the wording. Since
each member of the Godhead is mentioned in the ceremony, we might ask: “Does Heavenly
Father care about the quality of our marriages? Here are obvious reasons why He does:

1. We are passing through His plan of salvation. Though we often call it the Gospel of

2. The Prophet Joseph Smith revealed to us that our Father is married. He is a Husband. He
is a perfect husband. He and His Companion have been married for eons. They have a
Celestial marriage and also have a very large family of spirit children. This world was
created so that we could follow in their footsteps. Our Father hopes that we will learn the
lessons that marriage teaches us as husbands and wives as we prepare for the eternal roles
we play following resurrection.

3. Joseph also revealed another important principle unknown to any other religion or secular
source: Our Father is a literal Parent, a literal Father. He is a perfect Father and a
perfect Parent. And we are here on earth to learn lessons associated with parenthood that
prepare us for the eternal roles of father and mother. Inasmuch our Father is married and
a parent, we now see how important marriage and family life are for us in this life! We
came to the earth to marry, if we can, and to experience parenthood, if we can, for that is
the Father’s plan. He, as a Husband and Father, is extremely interested in how well we
progress in marital and family relations roles.

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 Chapter 6

The Godhead: Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost

Jesus Christ – Jehovah

Jesus Christ, the Jehovah of the Old Testament, is the Firstborn of all of our Heavenly
Parent’s spirit offspring. Following the Fall of Adam and Eve, mankind became spiritually dead
inasmuch they were cut off from the presence of the Father. Jehovah then became mankind’s
God in place of the Father and it was Jehovah who revealed Himself to Moses and the ancient
prophets (see 3 Nephi 15:5). The only time the Father appeared to mankind was to introduce His
Son, such as took place at the Savior’s baptism. His voice was heard by a number of Nephite
prophets, but it was not until the First Vision that He was seen by a mortal again as far as we
know. During the glory period of the Nephites, it may be that the Father visited with the
righteous Nephites, but we have no details of that visit. Mormon simply records: “They were
once a delightsome people, and they had Christ for their shepherd; yea, they were led even by
God the Father” (Mormon 5:17; italics added).

In the premortal sphere, the Savior volunteered to fulfill the Father’s plan in our behalf in
overcoming both physical and spiritual death that would result from the Fall of Adam. He was
the One who would relieve us of the negative consequences of sin if we repent. As we come to
learn how agency, choices, and consequences are associated, we learn that repentance is the key
to avoiding personal suffering for sins. When we willfully break divine laws, we prove to
ourselves and to God that we are not worthy to re-enter a society of righteous people
because our choices have placed us out of harmony with the principles that exist in that
realm. When we sin, we violate divine law to which there are penalties and consequences. The
penalty is severe—physical death and banishment from the presence of the Father—spiritual
death. We cannot overcome these penalties by ourselves because we are mortal. We cannot
resurrect ourselves any more than Adam and Eve could do so after the fall. We cannot simply
brush sins off as unimportant without knowing that there are consequences attached to sin. We
require a Savior, a Redeemer to pay the penalties as we repent. Typically the first penalty we pay
when we sin is the withdrawal of the Holy Ghost.

To provide perspective: once a person is resurrected and no longer capable of physical

death, yet possessing agency, what would happen to a celestial person who then chose to use his
or her agency to lie, cheat, commit adultery, or be dishonest? Is there some type of prison for
people who violate the laws of that kingdom? This is an important reason why we learn to
confront evil in this life as mortals, so as to prove to ourselves that never, in all the eternity
ahead, would we make choices that affect others or ourselves in negative ways. We learn here,
in this life, the impact of adultery, of dishonesty, and observe people who make unwise
decisions that destroy their own lives and that of others. To learn these lessons requires that
we have a mortal experience where we can still turn around, turn back when we err or sin,
through repentance. These lessons educate us and help us conclude that such violations must
never ever be chosen, especially after we are resurrected and are no longer subject to death.
Mortal life is the University of Good and Evil through which we are now passing. These truths

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will be confirmed to us again after we die and live in the spirit world preceding resurrection. In
that reunion of loved ones and righteous saints in Paradise, we will learn further the impact of
agency and choices by those who have passed on. Many family members have been in the spirit
realm for a very long time and will no doubt mentor us as we rejoin them following death. To
those who do not learn the lessons that this life is designed to teach, there are other degrees of
glory to which they will be assigned.

To put it simply, can you imagine prophets with whom we have become acquainted in
our own earthly experiences--Presidents Kimball, Benson, Hunter, Hinckley, Monson and their
wives? Would these couples ever choose to be immoral, dishonest, to lie, or commit sin? Of
course not! And it is to this degree of righteousness as individuals and as couples that we
must subscribe to in this life if we expect to live among the righteous saints.

The ‘Law of Justice’ is a true principle, an eternal truth. Sin demands punishment. For
that reason, a Savior was required, one who could and would be willing to pay the penalty for
our sins if we learned from the consequences that accompany poor choices and if we firmly
resolve not to violate divine law again. These are necessary lessons in the Father’s plan for us to
acquire in this life. Jesus was appointed in the premortal realm to be our Savior because of His
complete sinlessness, His love for His brothers and sisters, His having been the Firstborn of all of
the Father’s spirit children, and His willingness to assume the role of Savior. He therefore came
to earth with the unusual physical makeup of having a mortal mother and an immortal Father.
This combination allowed Him to pay the penalty for sins, yet still be subject to death Himself.
His death was under His control and He would not allow it to overtake Him until the Atonement
was completed. He held the power to live forever because of His Father’s contribution to His
physical makeup and therefore He literally gave up his life for us. Had a mortal individual
attempted to perform the Atonement, his physical body could not withstand the trauma that Jesus
suffered—stripes, beatings, loss of blood, and especially having the Father’s Spirit withdrawn
from him, a penalty that Jesus had to suffer as a part of overcoming spiritual death in our behalf.

The penalty for sin is a withdrawal of the Spirit. Only a ‘god,’ one who had the power to
live forever, yet retained the capacity to die, and one who could remain alive long enough to
fulfill the Law of Justice could carry out this divine act. Thus the emphasis in all scripture that
the plan of the Father is a gospel of repentance. The Atonement of Jesus Christ pays the
penalties and provides divine forgiveness for repentant souls. Without these two blessings of
overcoming physical and spiritual death, we could not be relieved of the penalties that justice
demands for broken laws, and we would not be prepared to return to the presence of God nor
would we be eligible to live again among celestial individuals.

Perhaps the Reason for Lucifer’s Rebellion

In our premortal life the question of who would fill the role of savior was presented to us
since we were the ones who would have the need. We were consulted as to our feelings as to
whom we would sustain. Jehovah volunteered to fill the role of savior as outlined by our Father.
Lucifer, a spirit son of God, also desired to fill that role. A major problem developed when it was
apparent that though Lucifer desired to be our savior, he apparently was unwilling to go
through what a true ‘savior’ would face in order to pay the penalties associated with sinful

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behavior: physical and spiritual death. Therefore Lucifer proposed a plan that would not
require suffering or shedding blood. His solution was to not let sin occur in the first place.
His thinking, apparently, was to force everyone to comply with divine laws so that they
would not commit sin. His plan included forceful compliance if necessary; yet that position
would violate agency. This is the way Jehovah, speaking for the Father, explained it to Moses:
“That Satan, is the same which was from the beginning, and he came before me, saying—
Behold, here am I, send me, I will be thy son, and I will redeem all mankind, that one soul shall
not be lost, and surely I will do it; wherefore give me thine honor. . . . Wherefore, because that
Satan rebelled against me, and sought to destroy the agency of man, which I, the Lord God, had
given him, and also, that I should give unto him mine own power; by the power of mine Only
Begotten, I caused that he should be cast down; And he became Satan, yea, even the devil, the
father of all lies, to deceive and to blind men . . . . (Moses 4:1, 3-4).

Without sin, there would be no need for a savior to suffer intense physical and spiritual
pain associated with the penalties for sin as did Jesus (“My God, my God, why hast thou
forsaken me?” Matt. 27:46). Satan’s logic appeared to be: Where there is no sin, there is no
need for a savior to suffer ridicule, intense physical suffering and bleeding, only to end in
an ignominious death.

The Father rejected this proposal of Lucifer and selected Jehovah as the Savior of His
family. Lucifer, rather than retreating from his arrogant position and acknowledging his lack of
understanding of agency and the requirements of a savior, chose to rebel. He became known as
Satan, thereby losing his standing in the premortal council as he was cast out of our heavenly
home.

It wasn’t that Lucifer simply disagreed with the Father’s plan or had a different idea
as to how to save mankind, but he was angry with the Father for not choosing him. Lucifer
would not retreat from his proposal. He, along with many others, ultimately, were cast out
of our family. However, Father constructively uses Satan’s rebellion to provide each of us
with a greater experience with agency, where the contrasts between good and evil in this
earthly setting enhances our education in learning to govern ourselves.

Satan has no love for God and His Son. He is their decreed enemy (Mosiah 16:5). He is
committed to do everything he can to destroy God’s plan which is designed to save the rest of us.
Satan instigates evil and tempts us to make choices that will prevent us from ever achieving a
state of exaltation. Because of his rebellion, Satan will never receive a body of element and is
therefore permanently damned from ever being a husband or father. No doubt this is a major
reason he is determined to destroy us as individuals and as married couples and as families.
He is denied the privilege to ever be a spouse or parent himself. He cannot overpower mortal
couples as long as they honor covenants, fulfill marital vows, and faithfully live gospel
principles.

Recall the Father’s statement to Jehovah following the fall of Adam and Eve: “Behold, the
man [Adam] is become as one of us, to know good and evil” (Moses 4:28). The gods know evil
only too well because of their own experience in mortality and as they observe the behavior that
takes place on this fallen planet. For that reason we have faith in our Father in Heaven that He

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will do everything in His power to help us learn the lessons of mortality so that we may safely
return to live in a celestial society. Father typically does not interfere with agency because of our
need to experience the full measure of consequences associated with our choices.

The declared work of the Father and Son is to ‘bring to pass the immortality and eternal
life of man’ (Moses 1:39). To help us remember our responsibilities and honor covenants, we
partake of the sacrament weekly. We add additional covenants through temple worship to learn
more fully the laws, responsibilities, and requirements of the celestial kingdom. Thus the great
work of the Restoration initiated by the prophet Joseph Smith is for us to learn to never choose
evil again—ever.

Jesus Christ’s ontribution to an ternal arriage

We might ask: “Does the Savior care whether or not we establish a great marriage
relationship?” The answer, of course, is that He does. It is because of Him that a husband and
wife can be resurrected and united eternally. One of His most important contributions to
marriage can be diagrammed as follow:

DOCTRINE OF ETERNAL MARRIAGE

SOUL (D&C 88)
/ \
Mortal Body Spirit Body (Ether 3)
MF MM IF IM
Body dies ◂Death▸ Spirit can't die
Viewing/funeral Goes to Spirit World

Jesus Christ Provides

▾
RESURRECTION
▾
Reunites body and spirit
▾ ▾
Male Female
▾ ▾
Husband Wife

In the above diagram, Latter-day Saints know that the soul of man consists of his spirit
body and his body of element united together for a brief period of mortality. At death, the mortal
body separates from the spirit body; a funeral or memorial service is held for the physical
remains that represent the deceased individual. The spirit body, which is incapable of death,
moves to the ‘spirit world’ located on this earth in the spirit dimension of the earth. (Recall that
the earth has a dual creation consisting of both spirit element and physical element. Mortals live
in the physical elements of the earth while spirits live in the spirit dimension.) In the spirit world
following death we learn many important things while awaiting resurrection. We are still
married as spirit beings though we are unable to procreate offspring in that state. The
Savior provides a universal resurrection that re-unites our bodies in order to re-constitute our
‘soul.’ Resurrected as male or female and having been sealed together by priesthood authority,

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we come forth from the grave as husband and wife. If we gain exaltation, we then become adult
associates of those who attained resurrection and exaltation before us. We are capable of creating
a new family of spirit offspring ourselves as our Heavenly Parents did after achieving their
exaltation. The cycle is similar to the way mortal children attain adulthood and become adult
colleagues to their parents.

The Savior’s redeeming our soul means that in coming forth from the grave we retain
gender, marriage relationships, and family associations. Because of His mission in our behalf in
providing an Atonement and resurrection, He has a great interest in our progress as husbands and
wives. If we do not have the kind of marriage that qualifies for an eternal companionship, the
celestial kingdom, we did not take full advantage of His Atonement. That would disappoint
Him after all He did to make it possible for us to be together forever.

The Holy Ghost

Does the Holy Ghost care whether we do well in our marriage relationship or not? He is
presently limited to a spirit body and cannot marry or be a parent Himself at this time. The Holy
Ghost is one of the spirit sons of our Heavenly Parents who plays an important role in the
Father’s plan. Heber C. Kimball, a counselor in the First Presidency with Brigham Young,
provided His identity: “The Spirit that is on me this morning is the Spirit of the Lord; it is the
Holy Ghost, although some of you may not think that the Holy Ghost is ever cheerful. Well, let
me tell you, the Holy Ghost is a man; he is one of the sons of our Father and our God; and he
is that [spirit] man that stood next to Jesus Christ, just as I stand by brother Brigham” (JD
5:179; italics added).

“The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints teaches that the Holy Ghost is a spirit
man, a spirit son of God the Father,” (Joseph Fielding McConkie, “Holy Ghost,” in Daniel H.
Ludlow, ed., The Encyclopedia of Mormonism, 2:649).

Recall the Lord’s statement in D&C 130:22: “The Father has a body of flesh and bones
as tangible as man’s; the Son also; but the Holy Ghost has not a body of flesh and bones, but is a
personage of Spirit. . . .” Prior to the Savior gaining a physical body of flesh, the Father had two
spirit counselors: Jehovah and the Holy Ghost. After the Savior’s birth to Mary, the Holy Ghost
was the Father’s lone spirit counselor. He plays an important role in the Father’s plan as a
Comforter, a Testator, a Witness, a Teacher, a Sanctifier, etc. as He moves the Kingdom forward
through inspiration to Church leaders and members alike. At baptism, each new member
receives the opportunity to be influenced by the Holy Ghost as the charge is given to them to
seek the blessings and gifts of this member of the Godhead. This spirit being uses the Light of
Christ as His power source to carry out His divine responsibilities. This light allows Him to
influence the children of the Father wherever they live on the earth and whether member or non-
member. Those who are baptized receive an added endowment of the Light of Christ
directed by the Holy Ghost.

Resurrected beings and spirit beings, of course, can see each other. The only ones who
can’t see spirit beings with their natural eyes are mortals. The Holy Ghost, as an unseen
companion to Church members, carries out the work of the Godhead among mortals. Our
inability to see Him makes mortality a true test of character and personal growth. How does He

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influence us? The Lord said to Joseph Smith: “Yea, behold, I will tell you in your mind and in
your heart, by the Holy Ghost . . . . (D&C 8:2). The Prophet indicated that at some future day,
the Holy Ghost will receive a physical body just as all the spirit children of God that sustained
Jehovah in that premortal council must. When that will take place in the future has not been
revealed.

Another reason that we need the influence of the Holy Ghost has to do with the fact that
in coming to earth, our memory of the premortal life was taken from us in order that we might
learn for ourselves the differences between good and evil with their attendant positive or
negative consequences. To compensate for that loss of memory, we are given the gift of the
Holy Ghost to help us progress in our journey on earth and provide us with divine guidance
while we live in this fallen sphere.

Perhaps it would be helpful to summarize what has been revealed concerning each
member of the Godhead:

Elohim, our Heavenly Father

1. God our Heavenly Father is a physical being of flesh and bones with a body “as tangible as
man’s” (D&C 130:22). He is literally the father of our spirit bodies. He is both a husband
and a father.
2. Following resurrection and exaltation, our Heavenly Parent’s first spirit child was named
Jehovah. He is the Firstborn of us all, meaning that He is their oldest spirit offspring. He
was born on this earth as the Son of God and is known as Jesus Christ.
3. Our Father’s name is Elohim.
4. God is the Father of Jesus Christ’s spirit body and His earthly body. Mary contributed His
mortal component and the power to die. Elohim contributed His capacity to remain alive
forever, a necessary element necessary to complete the Atonement.
5. As our parent, our Father loves each one of us. He cares about our success in this mortal
probation. He wants us to learn to use/control our physical bodies in preparation for
living in an immortal resurrected state with other exalted beings. (Do you know any
fathers who do not know each of their children? He cares about each one of us.)
7. Scripturally, our Father is also called: Man of Holiness and Man of Counsel (see
Moses 6:57; 7:35). Our Father is a Man, a perfect Man.

Jesus Christ, Jehovah

1. Jesus Christ is the Firstborn of all the spirit children of our Heavenly Parents
2. Jehovah was chosen by the Father to be our Savior and Redeemer much to Lucifer’s chagrin
and anger. The name ‘Christ’ is of Greek derivation.
3. It was necessary for Jesus to be born of a mortal parent and an immortal parent in order to be
able to perform the Atonement. His ability to remain alive until the Atonement was
completed resulted from His Father’s contribution. Thus He voluntarily gave up His life.
4. He is the first of the Father’s family on this earth to be resurrected.
5. Following the Fall of Adam, mankind became spiritually dead-- meaning that we were cut off
from the presence of the Father. Jehovah, the spirit Son of God, became the God of the
Old Testament as Jehovah and then as Jesus Christ in the New Testament. He is the head

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 of the Church in our day. The Kingdom of God today is called The Church of Jesus
Christ of Latter-day Saints.
The Savior has the assignment from the Father to be the final judge of all men.
The Savior is now a resurrected male who presides with His Father over this and other worlds

The Holy Ghost

We are accustomed to referring to the Holy Ghost by several names: Holy Spirit, Spirit of
God, etc. As a spirit being, we are unable to see Him with mortal eyes. However, He is a male
spirit, one who sustained Jehovah in the premortal council. He is also called the Comforter as He
ministers among men. At age 8 or at baptism, every new member of the Church is assigned the
companionship of the Holy Ghost by the Father as a part of being confirmed a member of the
Lord’s Church. This divine member of the Godhead has yet to take upon Himself a body of
element, something that will take place in the future.

Summary
It is now obvious why Jesus told Joseph not to join any of the churches of his day! God is
not a spirit essence filling all of space. That particular principle in Latter-day Saint theology is
called the Light of Christ which is an extraordinary light that “proceedth forth from the presence
of God to fill the immensity of space. The light which is in all things, which giveth life to all
things, which is the law by which all things are governed, even the power of God” . . . (D&C
88:12-13). This light is an endowment given to each person born into mortality.

One of the important reasons as to why we left our celestial home was to obtain a
physical body of element. This combination of bodies allows us to marry, to generate an infant
body into which Deity places a spirit son or daughter as our offspring. The important concept
here is that our Heavenly Father is married. He is a husband and a father. We, as the children
of Heavenly Parents, came to this earth to find for ourselves a compatible companion and be
sealed in a marriage relationship. Then we add children to our little kingdom here and imitate the
heavenly pattern of marriage and family relations. Now it is clear why Latter-day Saints have
such a high regard for marriage and family life, why we simply must succeed in this
endeavor. Our Heavenly Parents sent us to this earth to experience all of the blessings and
challenges of marriage and rearing children in preparation for retaining those callings in the
highest degree of the celestial kingdom after this life, the goal of all righteous Latter-day Saints.
It also provides the eternal perspective that we must have if we are to avoid divorce and to avoid
allowing a marriage to deteriorate to the point where we regret that our marriage ever took place!
It is our marriages and families that we will carry into eternity. What a wonderful and profound
future we have if we can establish a healthy, stable marriage! It is little wonder then, that Elder
Bruce R. McConkie would write: “No doctrine is more basic, no doctrine embraces a greater
incentive to personal righteousness . . . as does the wondrous concept that man can be as his
Maker” (The Promised Messiah: The First Coming of Christ, 133).

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53
 Chapter 7

The Father’s Plan of Salvation

In this chapter I want to look at additional elements of the plan of salvation, the plan of
happiness, the plan of our Father in Heaven for His children. We begin with the idea that all
parents want their children out of the house at an appropriate time!

Premortal Life
The doctrine of a premortal life is a unique contribution of the Restoration and provides
perspectives on why our Heavenly Parents were desirous for us to leave their home. As an
analogy, mortal parents have the same concern when their healthy children still live at home
when they ought to be out on their own by a certain age or stage in life. The important question
here is: “What is it that we could not learn living in the presence of heavenly beings that
required that we be sent away to a fallen world where good and evil exists?”

President Thomas S. Monson gave this three-fold explanation as to why we needed a

period of mortality. “The primary purposes of our existence upon the earth are to (1) obtain a
body of flesh and bones, to (2) gain experience that could come only through separation from
our heavenly parents, and to (3) see if we would keep the commandments (“Ponder the Path of
Thy Feet,” Ensign, November 2014, 86, numbers and italics added). It is this second idea of
gaining experience that could only come through being separated from a heavenly society that
merits our attention here.

President Joseph F. Smith, the sixth president of the Church made this interesting point:
"Had we not known before we came [to earth] the necessity of our coming, the importance of
obtaining tabernacles, the glory to be achieved in posterity, the grand object to be attained by
being tried and tested-weighed in the balance in the exercise of the divine attributes, god-like
powers and free agency with which we are endowed . . . and become like our Father, Mother and
Elder Brother, Almighty and Eternal!---we never would have come" (Gospel Doctrine, 13; italics
added).

President Wilford Woodruff expressed this sentiment: "In the dispensations and providences of
God to man it seems that we are born to suffer pain, affliction, sorrows and trials; this is what
God has decreed that the human family shall pass through; and if we make a right use of this
probation, the experience it brings will eventually prove a great blessing to us, and when
we receive immortality and eternal life, exaltation, kingdoms, thrones, principalities and
powers with all the blessings of the fulness of the gospel of Christ, we shall understand and
comprehend why we were called to pass through a continual warfare during the few years
we spent in the flesh" (Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Wilford Woodruff, p. 219).

Mortality – A Practical Experience with Agency

Our heavenly parents sent us to a telestial sphere, a world where good and evil can exist
on the same planet. Here we are surrounded by telestial laws and standards that portray what is
important that we learn here or we can find that which leads to unhappiness and misery. For
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example, to experience light, we must know something of darkness. If we want to know
something about joy and happiness, we must also experience their opposites of disappointment
and sadness. To appreciate health, we must know something about sickness and injury that can
damage mortal bodies, sometimes even early death. It is through experience with contrasts that
we learn to choose the better part and avoid that which is degrading and unpleasant.

To say it another way, perhaps one of the principal reasons we were sent to a telestial
world is that growing up in a society of righteous people in our premortal habitat, we no doubt
had little experience with evil and unrighteousness. We must have been quite innocent with only
righteous examples surrounding us. We see clearly the principle of innocence operating with
Adam and Eve in the Garden before the Fall where they were quite naive prior to their lack of
exposure to evil. The scripture records that Eve “saw that the tree was good for food, and that it
became pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make her wise” (Moses 4:12). The
Apostle Paul says that Eve was beguiled by Satan (2 Corinthians 11:3), and that she was
deceived (1 Timothy 2:13-15). Though Latter-day Saints are grateful to Eve for initiating the
Fall, her decision and that of Adam as he chose to join her in mortality, resulted in serious
changes in their physical natures. Their decision affects each of us as their children not only by
bringing us to a state of mortality, but also allowing us to come face to face with good and evil.
Recall the name of the tree to which they were exposed: “The Tree of Knowledge of Good and
Evil.” Apparently, we had limited exposure to evil in our premortal home. When you consider
this point, it only makes sense that celestial people do not tolerate evil in their environment. If
we are going to ultimately be resurrected, with death no longer a possibility, we needed
experience with good and evil, something impossible to glean in an environment where evil was
non-existent. We were exposed to Lucifer’s rebellion and no doubt shocked by his anger against
the Father and His Beloved Son, and the selection of Jehovah as mankind’s Redeemer which
angered him. Probably, that was our primary experience with evil in the premortal realm.

Consider more deeply the idea that the celestial kingdom where our spirits were born is a
kingdom of goodness, where evil is neither desired nor tolerated. A major reason--and this is
important for us to understand--for sending us away from our celestial ‘home,’ was to place us in
an environment where good and evil can exist based on the agency of men and women. Even in
this telestial sphere, righteous couples do not tolerate evil in their homes. We can do very little to
prevent it in the larger society outside of home. Here we confront evil with some frequency as
mortals and react to it, thus giving us experience in exercising agency. As we confront evil
enticements here in this life, a place where we can overcome poor choices and sins through
repentance and the Savior’s Atonement, we learn from experiencing consequences that we do not
want to ever choose evil in the future nor do we want to live in an environment in any future life
where evil exists. We are here on this earth to learn lessons that prove to us that never, in all
eternity as immortal beings, will wickedness ever bring happiness. We have either participated in
or observed for ourselves the consequences and suffering that comes to those who make
unrighteous choices.

Leaving our celestial home to learn more profound elements of agency with the attendant
consequences required that we lose our memory of our premortal existence if this life was to be a
true test of character. President Brigham Young said:

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 It has also been decreed by the Almighty that spirits, upon taking bodies, shall
forget all they had known previously, or they could not have a day of trial—could not
have an opportunity for proving themselves in darkness and temptation, in unbelief
and wickedness, to prove themselves worthy of eternal existence. The greatest gift
that God can bestow upon the children of men is the gift of eternal life; that is, to give
mankind power to preserve their identity—to preserve themselves before the Lord”
(Journal of Discourses, 6:333; italics added).

Our Reaction to Lucifer’s Rebellion

As mentioned earlier, we did have one profound and unforgettable experience in our
premortal life with evil when we witnessed the outright rebellion of Lucifer. We were no doubt
shocked by his subsequent temper tantrum when Jehovah was chosen as Savior. We were also no
doubt amazed that so many of our spirit siblings were willing to follow him. The result of his
rebellion was to be cast out of the ‘family.’ (Even mortal parents sometimes must make that
decision--tough love--to prevent one child from poisoning other children in the family.)

Notice, however, that our Father cast Lucifer out to the very earth where we were destined
to come to obtain a body of element and be tested further in individual agency. Our Father, not
unlike mortal parents, knows that there comes a time when children must leave the safety and
security of home. Why? It is only in leaving home and getting out on their own that the principle
of agency becomes real in many ways. While living at home, children generally abide by
parental standards, rules and limitations. Parents enforce compliance to family rules by various
means. However, once children leave home, complying with parental rules becomes a matter of
children making choices without parental oversight or even any knowledge of their decisions.
Children make decisions and thus experience the consequences that attend their choices. In most
cases there are no immediate penalties when evil behavior or thoughts are chosen other than a
loss of the companionship of the Spirit of the Lord. But, it is in this way that children gain a
greater depth of understanding and appreciation for the principle of agency, for right and wrong.

We did possess agency in the premortal sphere though opportunities to choose evil were
no doubt limited. As mortal parents, don’t we try to protect our children in similar ways? We do
not want our children exposed to evil, especially in our home. We place filters on television
viewing and Internet connections. When they leave home for school and civic activities,
however, they face situations in a secular, worldly culture. Our children are mostly innocent
when they leave the protection of home. Adam and Eve were innocent in the Garden of Eden, the
home prepared for them by our Father. Their innocence was manifested in their being unaware
that they were naked. They wanted to hide from God when they acted contrary to His
instructions about the Garden’s menu selection. Individuals cannot be fully functioning adults
until they are confronted with choices of good and evil and learn to comprehend the damages
that evil produces in contrast to choosing wholesome outcomes. Such lessons can only be
learned outside of the home. We left our celestial residence to learn more about good and evil to
a greater extent than our brief encounter with Lucifer’s rebellion there gave us. Watching another
person make poor choices as we saw Lucifer make did not directly affect us other than the
disappointment we felt at his decision and that of his followers. When we make choices
ourselves between good and evil in this sphere of mortality, we feel the consequences much

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more personally. Our Mother Eve, after her fall, saw the need to pass through various challenges
so that she and Adam might know what was good and what was not.

Thus mortality is a school for the offspring of God to learn that certain behaviors violate
not only social law, but divine law and that such choices eventually bring misery to the offending
parties. This life, therefore, was designed by Father in Heaven to inoculate us against evil
forever. Heavenly Parents want to expose us to a range of opposites—good and bad, health and
illness, joy and sadness, light and darkness, but in an environment where we are not
permanently damaged or scarred by unwise decisions we make during this phase of our
existence. We are given time to turn around, to repent, to be able to recover from the effects of
poor choices. Some punishments or loss of blessings do not come immediately in this
environment and such delay allows us to experience their impact personally. As Alma declared:
“. . . nevertheless there was a space granted unto man in which he might repent; therefore this
life became a probationary state; a time to prepare to meet God; a time to prepare for that endless
state . . . which is after the resurrection of the dead” (Alma 12:24).

In this mortal sphere the Lord lets us work out solutions for ourselves in order to learn by
our own experience. Elder Bruce R. McConkie explained this principle:

It is not, never has been, and never will be the design and purpose of the Lord—
however much we seek him in prayer—to answer all our problems and concerns without
struggle and effort on our part. This mortality is a probationary estate. In it we have
our agency. We are being tested to see how we will respond in various situations; how
we will decide issues; what course we will pursue while we are here walking, not by
sight, but by faith. Hence we are to solve our own problems and then to counsel with
the Lord in prayer and receive a spiritual confirmation that our decisions are correct
(“Why the Lord Ordained Prayer,” The Ensign, January 1976, 11; italics added.)

What lessons are we learning in this Telestial environment?

This part of the plan of salvation, to leave a celestial environment to learn lessons in a
telestial sphere, helps us understand a number of otherwise unexplainable issues that we face as
mortals. Consider the following lessons that come to us in this stage of our existence:

1. Why we, as mortals, do not see heavenly beings. Lee Braithwaite, in a Brigham Young
University Devotional years ago, told the following story that took place when he was only
three and a half years old: “My mother called to me and said, “Lee, hurry up and get ready
for church.” I was very defensive and said, “I do not want to go to church.” She said, “But
Jesus wants you to.” I defiantly stated, “I never see Him there” (From I’ll Try to I Will Do,”
Speeches, Brigham Young University, 2005-2006, 204.)

To this young mind, it seemed that if Jesus wanted him in church, then He ought to be
there also! At least show up once in a while! It is an important point. Why don’t we see
Jesus once in a while? Why don’t we occasionally see family members who have passed?
Why is it that we must exercise “faith” only rather than have an experience occasionally with
someone from the ‘other side,’ just to confirm if we are ‘on track’ and that we are here in
mortality for specific purposes.

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 The answer must be that we could not experience and evaluate the consequences of our
choices if heavenly beings were constantly appearing to us to compliment us or warn us of
serious consequences that could stem from our behavior. Even the Holy Ghost, a spirit
brother assigned to be with us as a part of our Church membership, is invisible to our mortal
sight because we are on this earth to be tested to see if we will make righteous decisions.
President Thomas S. Monson summed it up this way: "To each of you, I say that you are a
son or daughter of our Heavenly Father. You have come from His presence to live on this
earth for a season, to reflect the Savior's love and teachings, and to bravely let your light
shine for all to see. When that season on earth has ended, if you have done your part, yours
will be the glorious blessing of returning to live with Him forever." ("Be An Example and a
Light," Ensign, November 2015, 88.) Elder Bruce R. McConkie framed it this way: “Man’s
purpose in life is to learn the nature and kind of being that God is, and then, by conformity to
his laws and ordinances, to progress to that high state of exaltation wherein man becomes
perfect as the Father is perfect” (Mormon Doctrine, “God,” 318).

We live in a day similar to that of 4th Nephi when society went from being righteous to a
state of extreme wickedness. Today atheists and people in our culture question the existence
of God because they do not see Him or His hand in their lives. They have no understanding
of His nature or the purpose of life on earth. For those unaware of the Father’s plan, despite
the countless prayers and pleas to God by clergy over the millennia, God has not responded
by sending angels or appearing Himself to let mankind know that He exists. That is why the
First Vision is such a crucial event in the history of the world. God and His Son, after a
long night of apostasy, appeared in this last dispensation to usher in a period when the
gospel and priesthood authority are once again on the earth and we again learned the
true nature of the Godhead. This dispensation began with the appearance of both members
of the Godhead and the presence of the Holy Ghost’s influence on the Prophet Joseph Smith.

We live in a world of natural law. Should a tire blow out, there may be a wreck or even
the loss of a life. God does not always intervene when we want or expect Him to and
therefore people lose faith when they don’t see divine intervention in the lives of the sick, of
the poor, and of many situations that seem to call out for divine help. Even in the Church,
saints die of cancer in spite of priesthood blessings and fasting and prayers in their behalf.
We die in automobile accidents, plane crashes, suicides, gun tragedies, drownings, and
trauma of all kinds. We suffer a multitude of tragedies that often call out to the heavens for
intervention. Even mortal prophets and church leaders suffer tragedies of health, of the loss
of a spouse, diseases, and events that challenge faith in the existence of God. Without a
knowledge of why we were sent to the earth, mankind struggles with faith in a being
who is unseen except in rare instances when the righteousness of the people allows a
divine visitor (3rd Nephi, baptism of Jesus) or there is a need for a restoration following
a period of apostasy (Joseph Smith’s First Vision).

Of course, faithful members of the Church are witnesses of healings, of divine

interventions of those blessed by priesthood authority and power, and by prayer, where it
does seem as if divine intervention interceded to bring about what must be the purposes of
God. “If it be thy will,” is an understood phrase among Latter-day Saints.

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2. Why life can be difficult and discouraging at times! We are learning now in what is
a relatively brief portion of our eternal lives what it is like to live in a physical tabernacle
that is subject to pain, sickness, sadness, and even death. We have only a brief period of
time to learn lessons that must become part of our nature and makeup, lessons we must
never forget even as we pass into the eternities ahead. It was President John Taylor who
said: "What if we have to suffer affliction! We came here for that purpose; we came in
order that we might be purified; and this is intended to give us a knowledge of God, of our
weakness and strength; of our corruptions, . . . to give us a knowledge of eternal life, that
we may be enabled to overcome all evil and be exalted to thrones of power and glory"
(Teachings of Presidents of the Church: John Taylor, 204).

President Howard W. Hunter expressed these sentiments: "We came to mortal life
to encounter resistance. It was part of the plan for our eternal progress. Without
temptation, sickness, pain, and sorrow, there could be no goodness, virtue, appreciation
for well-being, or joy. The law of opposition makes freedom of choice possible;
therefore, our Heavenly Father has commanded his children, 'Choose ye this day, to serve
the Lord God who made you' (Moses 6:33). He has counseled us to yield to his spirit and
resist temptation" ("God Will Have a Tried People," Ensign, May 1980).

The title of this conference address by President Hunter makes the case that
unless we are tried and tested--a major purpose of this temporal period--we will not be
able to live among other beings who have been tried and tested in their own mortal
experiences and who succeeded to the point where they are now exalted and live among
other resurrected beings who behave as they do. In fact, we use the term “probation” to
mean that we are here on earth to see if we will learn and practice the laws and principles
essential for us to live among a godly people following resurrection.

This concept deserves a strong emphasis because of its importance. Many church
leaders have discussed this point from the beginning of this dispensation. Using the
example of Abraham and his son Isaac as an ultimate test, President George Q. Cannon
explained one of the primary purposes in being sent away from our heavenly home:

“Here comes the command of God to this man [Abraham] who has been taught so
scrupulously about the sinfulness of murder and human sacrifice, to do these very things.
Now, why did the Lord ask such things of Abraham? Because, knowing what his future
would be and that he would be the father of an innumerable posterity, he was determined
to test him. God did not do this for His own sake; for He knew by His foreknowledge
what Abraham would do, but the purpose was to impress upon Abraham a lesson,
and to enable him to attain unto knowledge that he could not obtain in any other
way. That is why God tries all of us. It is not for His own knowledge; for He knows all
things beforehand. He knows all your lives and everything you will do. But He tries us
for our own good, that we may know ourselves; for it is most important that a man should
know himself. He required Abraham to submit to this trial because He intended to give
him glory, exaltation and honor; He intended to make him a king and a priest, to share
with Himself the glory, power and dominion which He exercised” (Conference Report,
April 1899, 66-67).

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 3. Why faith in God is the first principle of the gospel and why our faith is tested
when we suffer setbacks. We develop faith in God as our Father and Jesus Christ as His
Son while outside their presence so that despite the difficulties of living in a fleshly
tabernacle with its susceptibility to ill health, temptation and sin, we know that good will
eventually triumph over evil. Our God has the power to resurrect us and bring us back
into His presence when we comply with the principles and laws that He has set forth.
Without faith in our Father and His Son and the plan of salvation, we would falter in our
observance of commandments. Faith is to live outside Their presence and yet to know
that they exist, that they have a plan that each of us moves through even as we are
being tested and tried to see if we will keep the commandments designed to bring us
back to their presence.

4. Why we are given commandments. Heavenly Father sent us away from home (we
sustained the decision) as the Priesthood leader of our family, He is interested in the
progress we make toward exaltation during our time here. Besides assigning a member of
the Godhead to help His children who are baptized, He has given commandments and
instructions so that we know what is expected of us and what the requirements are that
we must learn while on this foreign assignment. Commandments are not given to restrict
freedom as many believe, but as a perfect Parent, Father helps us learn right from wrong
and determine how we will react under a variety of conditions. If we see
commandments as guideposts, as goals, as actions we must do to become celestial
candidates then we see them as part of our progression. Such instructions as are
contained in the positive aspects of the Ten Commandments, for example, assist us in
living the kind of life that God lives, that celestial people live. Agency allows us to
choose among competing alternatives and we are then free to abide by them or suffer
from disobedience.

5. Why we are given the Gift of the Holy Ghost. To compensate us for taking away our
memory of our pre-mortal life, Heavenly Father provided that every person born to the
earth is blessed with the Light of Christ, a divine power that gives life and light to each of
us. We sometimes call this divine influence our conscience. To those who join the
church, a greater endowment of this light is given by the Holy Ghost. His divine
assignment is to assist us by prompting us with ideas that help us use our agency
properly. He assists us along this telestial path as we deal with issues of agency and
consequences.

6. Why we have mortals to instruct us rather than angels. Angels, either as spirit beings
or as resurrected individuals (D&C 129:1-3) no doubt would not want to come back and
live in a society where evil exists! They have completed their probation. However, angels
do play a role in ministering to the Lord’s servants. Moroni taught the principle that the
ministry of angels is “to call men unto repentance, and to fulfill and to do the work of the
covenants of the Father . . . by declaring the word of Christ unto the chosen vessels of the
Lord, that they may bear testimony of him” (Moroni 7:31). He explained that if angels no
longer appear to these chosen vessels--apostles and prophets--“wo be unto the children of
men, for it is because of unbelief, and all is vain” (vs. 37). General conferences of the
Church allow these chosen vessels to bear testimony of the reality of angels, of God, of

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 Jesus Christ, and of other doctrines so that the rest of us who live by a witness of the
Holy Ghost know that these are ‘true servants’ of our Father and His Son and that they
know whereof they speak.

7. Why we must preserve and enrich marriage and family life through living gospel
principles. We desire to continue to live as married couples in a later heavenly
environment with couples who attained the celestial world’s highest glory. In our
premortal life, we were single individuals anticipating the time when we could come to
earth, marry and exercise procreative powers for the first time. It was a major reason we
came to a mortal existence as D&C 49:16-17 explains: “. . . and all this (marriage and
family life) that the earth might answer the end of its creation; And that it might be filled
with the measure of man, according to his creation before the world was made”
(emphasis added.) From D&C 88:20, we learn that this earth will become the Celestial
Kingdom for those who achieve the ultimate status of married resurrected beings. This
earth then becomes a celestial kingdom for those who attain the ultimate glory.

8. Why Satan desires to destroy you, your marriage, and your family. Satan’s great
damnation is to never, ever, be a husband or father. Why? Because he remains a male
spirit forever. It takes two bodies to generate life, one of spirit and one of physical
element. For this reason, Satan desires that we be like him in being limited to a state of
singleness forever. He will never have the ability to marry and enjoy procreative powers
as we do now and as we may as resurrected, glorified beings. Without the restoration of
our ‘souls’--resurrection and the power to generate life--we would be like Satan in his
damnation and misery, forever limited to a spirit body. There would be no marriage, no
procreation, and we would forever be damned by remaining in our single state, something
we would never want to do after we had experienced marriage and parenthood
during our mortal probation.

9. Why it was essential that we obtain a body of element as a counterpart to our spirit
body. Spirits alone cannot reproduce. This mortal body of flesh and bones which we
inherited from the fall of Adam and Eve was created by telestial parents. We now have
our first ever opportunity to apprentice in marriage and parenthood opportunities, a
power reserved in eternity only for exalted beings (D&C 131:1-4). Such laws as the
Word of Wisdom and Chastity are examples of divine laws that teach us to honor our
physical bodies, knowing that we will be resurrected with a body far superior to our
present telestial tabernacle.

10. The significance of prayer. Despite living ‘away from heavenly parents’ we always
have a heavenly connection with our heavenly Priesthood Leader. Our Father loves us
and is interested in each one of us even as a righteous earthly father cares about the
progress of his children.

11. Why we must depend on each other through our mortal experience. As spirit brothers
and sisters, we have an interest in each other’s progress. We saw what happened in our
former estate when Lucifer rebelled and we are anxious not to lose any more of our
Father’s family to apostasy or ignorance of divine laws. It is a major reason behind our

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 missionary outreach to those not of our faith. Within the community of saints, we assist
each other as members through various church programs such as ministering
opportunities as well as multiple church meetings to teach us what we must know to
reach our potential now to prepare ourselves to live forever in a state of exaltation. We
are spirit siblings and thus we have an interest in how each of us functions ‘away from
home’ in an environment where evil can trap any of us if we are not careful.

What group of priesthood holders in a ward and stake, what group of family
members do not look forward to continuing their association beyond this brief period in a
society of righteous family and friends? We look forward to an eternal relationship living
among good people.

12. The importance of ordinances and covenants. Covenants represent our promises to
God that we will keep the commandments designed to teach us correct principles while
living in a fallen world. Ordinances represent our personal signature that we agree to the
provisions of sacred covenants and our obedience to such conditions. All covenants have
an ordinance attached to them. Covenants give us the power to live righteously in a
fallen world. The pioneers leaving Nauvoo were anxious to receive their temple
covenants by ordinances performed in an unfinished temple in order to withstand the
rigors of their travel.

As Latter-day Saints, mortality is our time to learn how to become mature spiritual adults.
As we progress toward our own exaltation there is no time to waste if we are going to use the
years of our lives to prepare for an eternal existence. President Henry B. Eyring, a Counselor in
the First Presidency, made this point in a story from his own life, when as a youth, the Spirit of
the Lord impressed him as a teenager: “Someday, when you know who you really are, you will
be sorry you didn’t use your time better” (“Child of Promise,” BYU Devotional, May 1986).
That is a message from which we all may benefit. Each day we are allowed to live in this mortal
sphere is a day to develop character and align our behavior with true principles.

The Nature of Resurrected Beings

We anticipate the day of resurrection. In fact, at death, we will miss the physical
component in which we now live. In D&C 45:17 the Lord told Joseph Smith that at the death of
the Savior’s Apostles they would have this reaction: “For as ye have looked upon the long
absence of your spirits from your bodies to be a bondage”. . . . In modern times, through a vision
vouchsafed to President Joseph F. Smith in 1918, he reported the feelings of those in his vision
who were about to be resurrected: “For the dead had looked upon the long absence of their spirits
from their bodies as a bondage” (D&C 138:50).

Because we spend eternity in a resurrected body, it is interesting to contemplate what

resurrected beings are like as to their physical makeup. We learn something of their nature from
the First Vision of the Prophet Joseph Smith, of course, but we have an even more detailed
account when Joseph encountered Moroni who revealed the location of the golden plates from
which the Book of Mormon was translated. Joseph described Moroni’s appearance on that
evening of September of 1822. He said that Moroni’s “hands were naked, his arms also, a little
above the wrist; so also, were his feet naked, as were his legs, a little above the ankles. His

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head and neck were also bare. . . . I could see into his bosom. . . . His whole person was
glorious beyond description” (JS H 1:31-32).

Exalted couples, resurrected with physical bodies, retain the power of procreation. Joseph
Smith gave this explanation of the power of resurrected beings’ ability to generate life following
exaltation: “Except a man and his wife enter into an everlasting covenant and be married for
eternity, while in this probation, by the power and authority of the Holy Priesthood, they will
cease to increase when they die; that is they will not have any children after the resurrection. But
those who are married by the power and authority of the priesthood in this life continue to
increase and have children in the celestial glory” (History of the Church 5:391; italics added).

We also learn from this statement that chastity is an eternal principle, one that we must
clearly understand as we learn to control passions and sexual appetites. Once resurrected, we are
capable of procreating spirit children with our spouse which means that we also have the means
to procreate spirit children with one who is not our spouse. That would constitute adultery.
Therefore, this life is the time for us to learn the propriety of sexual behavior and to understand
that covenants of chastity provide us with power to remain chaste here and in the resurrected
state. The reason there will be no adultery in the Celestial Kingdom is because of the thorough
testing that takes place before that degree of glory is achieved. The importance of marriage and
families will be so clear to us at that point that never in all the eternities ahead would a person
worthy of that glory make such an abominable choice!

Elder Dallin H. Oaks made this sublime statement: “The greatest power God has given to
his sons cannot be exercised without the companionship of one of His daughters, because only to
His daughters has God given the power “to be a creator of bodies . . . so that God’s design and
the Great Plan might meet fruition.” (“The Keys and Authority of the Priesthood,” Ensign, May,
2014, 72; quoted from J. Reuben Clark, “Our Wives and Our Mothers in the Eternal Plan,” Relief
Society Magazine, Dec. 1946, 800).

On another occasion this apostle phrased it this way: “In the theology of the restored
church of Jesus Christ, the purpose of mortal life is to prepare us to realize our destiny as sons
and daughters of God—to become like Him. . . . We believe that the purpose of mortal life is to
acquire a physical body and, through the atonement of Jesus Christ and by obedience to the laws
and ordinances of the gospel, we may qualify for the glorified, resurrected celestial state that is
called exaltation or eternal life” (“Apostasy and Restoration,” Ensign, May 1995, 84-85).

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 Chapter 8

Why Latter-day Saints Must Marry in the Temple

I have listened to members explain why they think it is important to marry in the temple:
it will make your mom and dad (grandparents proud), the Church took special care to build
sacred buildings to allow you to marry in a beautiful setting; you can be together for eternity,
your friends expect you to marry there, it is what you taught investigators in the mission field,
you look so nice in white, it is an inexpensive place to marry, etc., etc. Perhaps these reasons are
of some practical importance if not humorous, but this list is not why we marry in the House of
the Lord! In this chapter, I want to explain in depth the importance of a temple marriage. No
Latter-day Saint who understands this doctrine would marry anywhere else. The only exception
might be a new convert with less than a year of membership.

Marriage is the crowning and holiest ordinance of the gospel. It is one of the ‘saving
ordinances,’ meaning that it is essential in order to qualify for the highest degree of glory in the
highest degree of glory! It is carried out under the direction of a temple ‘sealer,’ who, as I have
said, stands in the place of Heavenly Father, Elohim. It is a celestial ordinance performed in the
name of all three members of the Godhead. The only other ordinances that carry this distinction
are baptism and sealing children to parents.

Priesthood Orders
Joseph Smith explained that “all priesthood is Melchizedek, but there are different
portions or degrees,” which he referred to as “grand orders” (Joseph Smith, Teachings of the
Prophet Joseph Smith, comp. Joseph Fielding Smith, Jr [1979], 180). The first ‘grand order’ of
priesthood is called the Aaronic Order which consists of four ordained offices: deacon, teacher,
priest, and bishop. A bishop is also ordained a high priest in the Melchizedek Priesthood. As a
bishop he oversees the work of the Aaronic Priesthood and Young Women in a ward, building
care and maintenance. As a high priest, he presides over a congregation, giving temple
recommends and interviews ward members for a variety of callings.

The second ‘grand order’ of the priesthood is the Melchizedek Order. This order
consists of five ordained offices: elder, high priest, patriarch, seventy, and apostle. Members of
the Seventy are called General Authority Seventies and together with the Quorum of the Twelve
Apostles preside over Church meetings as they travel world-wide. Other Seventies are Area
Seventies who labor in local jurisdictions.

The third ‘grand order’ of the priesthood is the Patriarchal Order, also known as the
“order of marriage” and the “new and everlasting covenant of marriage” (D&C 131:2). Elder
Bruce R. McConkie said of this order: “[A couple] can enter an order of the priesthood named
the new and everlasting covenant of marriage, named also the patriarchal order, because of
which order we can create for ourselves eternal family units of our own, patterned after the
family of God our Heavenly Father” (“The Doctrine of the Priesthood,” Ensign, May 1982, 34).

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 Elder McConkie used his own temple marriage to explain how a couple enters the
patriarchal order:

I went to the temple, and I took my wife [to be] with me, and we kneeled at the altar.
There on that occasion we entered, the two of us, into an ‘order of the priesthood.’ When
we did it, we had sealed upon us, on a conditional basis, every blessing that God
promised Father Abraham—the blessings of exaltation and eternal increase. The name of
that order of priesthood, which is patriarchal in nature, because Abraham was a natural
patriarch to his posterity, is the New and Everlasting Covenant of marriage (“The Eternal
Family Concept,” Devotional address at the Second Annual Priesthood Genealogical
Research Seminar, Brigham Young University, 23 June 1967, italics added).

This particular order of priesthood is a specific key of the Melchizedek Priesthood

exercised in behalf of a couple as they unite in marriage in a temple ‘sealing.’ The first callings
that come to the members of this new family unit are those of husband and wife. A couple
kneels across the altar to receive a substantial number of blessings from Heavenly Father
(sealer.) In the ceremony the couple is ‘commanded’ to use their procreative powers to provide
physical bodies for spirit siblings who will join their family. These children become part of the
couple’s family both here and hereafter. If the couple is able to have children, they activate two
new offices: father and mother. Through parenthood, a couple is engaged in bringing to pass
the eternal life of spirit brothers and sisters who may become a permanent part of their family.

President Boyd K. Packer explained the blessings that come to both spouses in their
sealing ceremony:

No man receives the fullness of the priesthood without a woman at his side. For
no man, the Prophet [Joseph Smith] said, can obtain the fullness of the priesthood outside
the temple of the Lord. And she is there beside him in that sacred place. She shares in
all that he receives. The man and the woman individually receive the ordinances
encompassed in the endowment. But the man cannot ascend to the highest ordinance—
the sealing ordinances—without her at his side.
No man achieves the supernal exalting status of worthy fatherhood except as a
gift from his wife. In the home and in the Church, sisters should be esteemed for their
very nature (“The Relief Society,” Ensign, May 1998, 73; italics added).

Can you see why the most important offices you hold in this life and in eternity are those
of husband and wife, father and mother? Once you become a spouse and parent you will
always hold those offices. Notice that of all the titles that our Heavenly Father prefers that we
use for Him is that of “Father.” Elder H. Burke Peterson clearly stated a father’s responsibility:
“In this life a father is never released from his responsibility. We call bishops, and they serve for
a time and are released. Stake Presidents likewise are called, serve, and are released. But a
father’s calling is an eternal calling if he lives worthily” (“The Father’s Duty to Foster the
Welfare of His Family,” Ensign, November 1977, 87).

There are other offices in the patriarchal order that will function more fully at a later
time. They are king and queen, priest and priestess. Elder McConkie gave this explanation:

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“Those who endure in perfect faith, who receive the Melchizedek Priesthood, and who gain the
blessings of the temple (including celestial marriage) are eventually ordained kings and priests.
These are offices given faithful holders of the Melchizedek Priesthood, and in them they will
bear rule as exalted beings during the millennium and in eternity” (Mormon Doctrine, 2nd ed.
[1966], 599).

D&C 76:56 refers to individuals “who are priests and kings, who have received of his
fullness, and of his glory” (D&C 76:56). Note that wives and mothers are not ignored:

If righteous men have power through the gospel and its crowning ordinance of celestial
marriage to become kings and priests to rule in exaltation forever, it follows that the
women by their side (without whom they cannot attain exaltation) will be queens and
priestesses (Rev. 1:6; 5:10.) Exaltation grows out of the eternal union of a man and his
wife. Of those whose marriage endures in eternity, the Lord says, “Then shall they be
gods” (D&C 132:20); that is, each of them, the man and the woman, will be a god. As
such they will rule over their dominions forever” (Mormon Doctrine, 2nd ed. [1966],
613.)

In a temple marriage, a family unit is organized, a kingdom is established, one that has
the potential to last forever. In the beginning there are just two individuals. Expanding the
kingdom requires more ‘subjects’—children who will come naturally or through adoption to the
couple. Heavenly Father counts on these parents to assist Him in blessing His children while they
are passing through their ‘second estate.’

In the earlier quote above, Elder McConkie said that at the time of marriage it is limited
to a ‘conditional sealing.’ That is because a couple is at the beginning of married life together;
they are to so live as to merit having their ‘calling and election made sure.’ This will take place
over time as they obey gospel laws and by the quality of the marriage they establish. Elder
McConkie was clear in explaining the conditional nature of marriage:

In a manner of speaking we have, here and now, probationary families even

though we have been married in the temple, because our marriage in the temple is
conditional. It is conditioned upon our subsequent compliance with the laws, the terms,
the conditions of the covenant that we then make. And so when I get married in the
temple, I am put in a position where I can strive and labor and learn to love my wife with
the perfection that must exist if I am going to have a fulness of the glory that attends this
covenant in eternity, and it puts her in a position to learn to love me in the same way. It
puts both of us in a position to bring up our children in light and truth and to school and
prepare them to be members of an eternal family unit, and it puts us as children of our
parents in a position where we honor our parents and do what is necessary to have these
eternal ties go from one generation to the next and the next. Eventually there will be a
great patriarchal chain of exalted beings from Adam to the last man, with any links left
out being individuals who are not qualified and worthy to inherit, possess, and receive
along the indicated line. . . .

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 If we can pass the probationary experiences that prevail and exist in the family
unit, then the Lord will say to us at some future day, "Well done, thou good and faithful
servant: . . . enter thou into the joy of thy lord" (Matthew 25:21). [Brigham Young
University, Speeches of the Year, 6 November 1977].
Though the covenant and the ordinance associated with marriage are essential, how
couples relate to each other as marriage partners is also of crucial relevance. Recall Elder Robert
D. Hales’s blunt statement: “As taught in this scripture [D&C 132:19], an eternal bond doesn’t
just happen as a result of sealing covenants we make in the temple. How we conduct ourselves
in this life will determine what we will be in all the eternities to come. To receive the blessings
of the sealing that our Heavenly Father has given to us, we have to keep the commandments and
conduct ourselves in such a way that our families will want to live with us in the eternities.
(“The Eternal Family,” Ensign, November 1996, 64, italics added).

Elder Richard G. Scott, speaking of his own marriage made a similar point: “I don’t
believe that the temple ordinance guarantees that we’ll be together forever. There will be a time,
before that sealing of the Holy Spirit of Promise makes it eternal, where we’ll be in the presence
of the Savior, as individuals, and there will be a choice whether we continue with the sealing
or not. And I want to do everything in my power to qualify so that she [his wife] will choose
for that sealing to be eternal. (The Mormon Channel, "Conversations: Episode 6," Interview
with Sheri Dew).

Temple Marriage – How is it Possible?

Every Melchizedek Priesthood holder traces his personal priesthood ordination to the
Savior. The Melchizedek Priesthood was restored by Peter, James, and John, ancient Apostles of
the Lord Jesus Christ. These three heavenly messengers appeared to Joseph Smith in 1829.
However, after the Kirtland Temple was completed, three more angels came to bring additional
priesthood keys, including the Patriarchal Order. Moses, Elias, and Elijah appeared to Joseph
Smith and Oliver Cowdery. Moses restored the keys to ‘gather Israel’ from the four corners of
the earth. We do that through our missionary outreach and temple ordinances for those who
have passed and who are taught the gospel in the spirit world. Baptism for the dead, for example,
is done in a font that sits on the backs of twelve oxen. Three oxen point toward the four compass
directions—north, east, south, and west as an indication that Israel is being gathered from the
four quarters of the earth.

Elias
“After [Moses], Elias appeared and committed the dispensation of the gospel of
Abraham, saying that in us and our seed all generations after us should be blessed” (D&C
110:12). The blessings of Abraham’s dispensation include that of posterity and the right to
receive the gospel and the priesthood in the flesh and to administer those blessings to the world
community (Abraham 2:9-11). These blessings include the right to enter into the “order of
marriage” (see D&C 131:1-4). Children born in the covenant (children whose parents marry in
the temple) are heirs to all the blessings of the ancient patriarch. These foreordained children are
eligible to receive certain blessings that include the right to the fullness of the gospel, the right to
serve as full-time missionaries, to marry in the temple, and the right to receive the fullness of
gospel blessings in order to qualify for eternal life. These blessings are automatically passed on
to the couple’s posterity (D&C 132:29-32) because of the blessings restored by Elias. A child’s

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lineage is declared by a patriarch in a special blessing and each child has the opportunity to
obtain these blessings through their faithfulness inasmuch as they are of Abraham’s lineage.
When parents are sealed in a temple marriage, they have conferred upon them the blessings of
Abraham which passes to their posterity. Unfortunately, though heirs to these special blessings,
too many of these literal sons and daughters of Abraham are unaware of the blessings that await
them. Some of these children do not seek these blessings to which they have a right, having been
“blinded by the subtle craftiness of men, whereby they lie in wait to deceive, and who are only
kept from the truth because they know not where to find it” (D&C 123:12). Some of these
children, who are heirs to the fullness of gospel blessings, have lost their way as was foreseen in
Lehi’s vision of the ‘great and spacious building.’

Thus the Lord says that we should “waste and wear out our lives in bringing to light all
the hidden things of darkness, wherein we know them; and they are truly manifest from heaven
—These should then be attended to with great earnestness” (D&C 123:12-14). It is what
President Thomas S. Monson referred to as ‘rescuing lost souls.’

Due to the sacred nature and eternal significance of the fullness of the gospel and of the
priesthood in the overall plan of the Lord to exalt families, these blessings are conferred only in
the most holy of settings—a temple. This is the only place on earth where the promises of
Abraham are conferred upon a couple and it takes place at the time of their sealing. That is why
every knowledgeable Latter-day must marry in the temple or forfeit the blessings they have
a right to, blessings associated with the Abrahamic Covenant. It is in that sealing that a
couple receives the authorization to ‘multiply and replenish’ the earth for the first time in
their existence.

Elijah
li ah restore the sealing po er an a thority to e arrie not st or ti e only t
or all eternity ishops an sta e presi ents o not hol eys o sealing he eys to irect this
sealing po er co e n er the p r ie o the Presi ent o the h rch an only eneral h rch
thorities e ers o te ple presi encies an those calle to e sealers hol this sacre
Melchi e e Priesthoo ey restore y li ah hese en assist the prophet in per or ing the
or inance or o sealing co ples an a ilies together in n rea a le on s nless a co ple
arries in the te ple here this sealing a thority is a aila le they cannot ene it ro the
restoration o this priesthoo ey is restoring o sealing po ers ass res that all essential
priesthoo eys necessary to prepare the aints or eternal li e are no on the earth

he ost i portant reason there ore or a co ple to arry in the te ple is to recei e the
lessings restore y a co ple ent o angels ho ca e to the Prophet oseph ith as a part o
the restoration o the gospel an priesthoo he or sai o those ho ail to o tain these
or inances or these angels i not a i e y la o arriage there ore they cannot e
enlarge t re ain separately an singly itho t e altation to all eternity an ro
hence orth are not go s t are angels o o ore er an e er ho o l
ant to spen eternity as a single in i i al hen at one ti e they ha access to e ery lessing
that co l e esto e pon the as a co ple

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 ho o l ant to egin arriage ith the li itation o ntil eath o s part hy
o l anyone ant to arry so eone ho they gen inely lo e or st this rie perio o
li e an yo i agine not contin ing the association o spo ses an parents eyon this rie
span o ti e an yo atho the i plications o not ha ing posterity in the ne t li e or ay e
not e en ha ing access to those ho ha e een part o yo r ortal a ily on earth eca se yo
aile to arry properly an honor personal co enants For those who fail to marry in the
temple, it is an indication that he or she has not been taught the importance of the restoration
of the gospel and the priesthood. The home is the place where these truths must be taught.

In previous dispensations a person might receive baptism, confirmation, some form of

washing and anointing (initiatory), an endowment and even an eternal marriage if the Lord’s
prophet was available—but only once. In today’s Church, family history and temple worship
allow us the opportunity to return again and again to the temple to remind us of the great
blessings that God restored to us in our day. How could a couple that participates in temple
worship on a consistent basis ever divorce? Occasionally every couple ought to participate in
marriage sealings and perform child-to-parent sealings to renew their perspective of the eternal
nature of these divine opportunities.

A temple therefore is not simply a nice setting in which to marry; it is a place where
essential priesthood ordinances that pertain to marriage and family life are performed.
This doctrine of marriage allows a couple to bind their hearts together and signifies a complete
acceptance of the Father’s plan of salvation. Their sealing also blesses their posterity, an act of
faith that witnesses to their offspring the value of a temple marriage. It sets an example for
children to ‘go and do likewise.’ Please do not fail to obtain these important keys to eternal life
which are only available in sacred spaces—temples of the Most High.

Marriage Continues in the Spirit World for those who Marry in the Temple
Married couples should take this statement of Elder Bruce R. McConkie to heart: “We
have the power to perform a marriage, and we can do it so that the man and the woman become
husband and wife here and now and--if they keep the covenant there and then made--they
will remain husband and wife in the spirit world and will come up in glory and dominion with
kingdoms and exaltation in the resurrection, being husband and wife and having eternal life. .
.that is our potential; that is within our possible realm of achievement.” ("Celestial Marriage,"
1977 Devotional Speeches of the Year, 172, italics added).

When a couple marries in the temple and honors their covenants, they remain husband and
wife in the spirit world after this life. If they do not marry in the temple and are therefore not
sealed by priesthood authority or if they are not faithful to their covenants, they will be
separated at death and will remain in that single state in the next sphere of existence.
Who would want to hear that judgment of separation given after having lived as a spouse and
posterity? The blessings of a temple marriage are incalculable. The knowledge of these
temple blessings should be the focus of parental teaching.

President Henry B. Eyring gave this charge to priesthood holders: “. . . everything we do should
have celestial marriage as it focus and purpose. That means we must strive to be sealed

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to an eternal companion in the temple of God. We must also encourage others to make and keep
the covenants that bind a husband and wife together, with their family, in this life and in the
world to come” (“Eternal Families,” Ensign, May 2016, 82).

Satan’s Damnation as it Pertains to Marriage and Family Life

On occasions I have asked groups of Latter-day Saints to explain the penalty Lucifer paid
in rejecting the Father’s plan. The typical answer is “he doesn’t have a body.” This is an
incorrect answer. As a son of Heavenly Parents, Satan has an impressive body, but it is a ‘spirit
body.’ This is a body similar to the one that both Jehovah and Adam had when they
created this world. Can we not conclude that a spirit body is an impressive body if it is the
offspring of heavenly parents and possesses attributes that allow the creation of worlds without
number? The real liability of Lucifer, therefore, lies in his inability of ever being married or
possessing the ability to generate life. To marry and create offspring requires two bodies; a spirit
entity alone is insufficient. Perhaps Orson Pratt said it most emphatically in these two
statements:

Could wicked and malicious beings, who have eradicated every feeling of love
from their bosoms, be permitted to propagate their species, the offspring would partake of
all the evil, wicked, and malicious nature of their parents . . . It is for this reason that God
will not permit the fallen angels to [marry or] multiply: it is for this reason that God has
ordained marriages for the righteous only: it is for this reason that God will put a final
stop to the multiplication of the wicked after this life: it is for this reason that none but
those who have kept the celestial law will be permitted to multiply after the resurrection: .
. . for they alone are prepared to beget and bring forth offspring whose bodies and spirits,
partaking of the nature of the parents, are pure and lovely, and will manifest, as they
increase in years, those heaven-born excellencies so necessary to lead them to happiness
and eternal life (The Seer, 156-7).

On another occasion, speaking in the Salt Lake Tabernacle, he gave a similar message:

“God . . . has ordained that the highest order and class of beings that should exist in
the eternal worlds should exist in the capacity of husbands and wives, and that they alone
should have the privilege of propagating their species—intelligent immortal beings.
Now it is wise, no doubt, in the Great Creator to thus limit this great and heavenly
principle to those who have arrived or come to the highest state of exaltation. . . .
Consequently, He does not entrust this privilege of multiplying spirits with the terrestrial
or telestial, or the lower order of beings there, nor with angels. But why not? Because
they have not proved themselves worthy of this great privilege” (Journal of Discourses,
13:186; italics added).

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71
 Chapter 9

A Review of Doctrines on Marriage and Families

This chapter is a review of doctrinal concepts presented earlier to insure an understanding

of their importance due to their impact on marriage and family life. Feel free to look up listed
scriptures.

1. In our premortal life—what was your relationship to God? ___________ What 2 family roles
does our Father function in as an exalted being? (1) ___________ __ (2) ___________.
2. In our premortal life—what was our relationship to other spirit beings? _________________.
3. When is the first time in your existence you could marry? __________________________ _.
4. When is the first time in your existence you could actually use your male or female attributes
to create a physical body through procreation? ________________________________.
5. What then were primary reasons to leave our heavenly home to come to earth? (D&C
49:15-17). ____________________________________________________________.
6. What is Satan’s great damnation, liability, curse? _____ ____________________________.
7. What quality of marriage must you establish as a couple if you expect to live together forever
after this life? __________________________________________________________.
8. Can you gain exaltation alone? _________________________________________________.
9. To continue as a married couple and retain the power of procreation following resurrection,
what degree of glory must you attain together? (D&C 131:1-4) _______________.
10. In the Celestial Kingdom, if you were to live next to President Hinckley and his wife or
President Monson and his wife, what marriage qualities would they like to see in you
two? (Sarcasm? Criticism? Yelling? Arguing? Fighting?) ______________.
11. Who would you say, in the entire universe, has the greatest interest in your success as a
married couple besides you two? _______________________________ .
12. Where do you learn to be an effective husband or wife? ___________________________ .
13. Where do you learn to be an effective parent? ______________________________.
14. What have you learned about marriage relationships and parenting from each other and how
would yo rate your marriage at this stage of your lives? _______________________
15. Who are your children, really? _______________________________________________.
16. Are you in agreement that you are living a life that will bring you exaltation? What are 3
things that you can do better now to progress together? (1) ___________ (2) _________
(3) ___________.
17. You loved each other before marriage and sealed that love by priesthood authority in the
temple. What is your best ‘guarantee’ that you will succeed? (1 Nephi 3:7). What
is the most important commandment you have been given? ______________________.
18. How serious is contention/fighting in marriage? (3 Nephi 11:29-30)__ ________________.
19. How does a couple struggling in marriage correct relationship issues? (“I’m sorry for
disappointing you. I will do better” is what principle? __________ ____ ___ _____.
20. How serious is divorce in the Father’s plan? Name 5 keys to avoid a divorce? (See Ch. 3.)
(1)___________(2__________(3)____________(4) _____________(5)____________.

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21. Can you name any of the nine suggestions listed in the Family Proclamation designed to
strengthen marriages? ______________________________________________________.
22. How frequently do you attend the temple together? _______________________________.
23. Why is it essential that a Latter-day Saint couple marry in the temple? What specific angels
brought back priesthood authority that allows you to enter the New and Everlasting Covenant
of Marriage? (1) ____________________ (2) _______________________.
24. In the Lord’s plan, if you need marriage counseling – where do you go first? ___________.
25. What do recent prophets say are the two main culprits that contribute to divorce?
(1) ______________________ (2) ________________________. How do these two traits
destroy marriages? __________________________________________________________?

A final point: How could couples who genuinely understand the answers to the above
questions:

1. Be abusive to each other or children?

2. Fight and quarrel?
3. Commit adultery or violate sacred moral covenants?
4. Consider yourself superior to your spouse and not view yourselves as equal partners?
5. Be selfish or proud and fail to repent/apologize when you err?
6. Throw temper tantrums in the home like Lucifer did in the premortal council?
7. Divorce? Break up a family! Negatively impact the lives of children sent by Heavenly
Father? The charge couples are given is to rear these special spirits assigned to them and
to return as a complete family back to Heavenly Parents?
8. Fail to bless a spouse who was kind enough to accept an offer of marriage, where both
made preparations to marry in the right place? Commitments were made to accept the
strengths and weaknesses of each other as you realize that dating was quite
superficial and marriage is a profound commitment that you have much to learn
from each other. The sealing ordinance contains blessings designed to insure marital
success. Initiatory ordinances consecrate and dedicated your entire soul to succeed
as a marriage partner.

Is it now obvious that the power to live a moral, righteous life as couples is based on an
understanding of doctrines and covenants? As a couple, do you feel like you both understand the
plan of salvation, key doctrines along with the purposes of mortality and the significance of a
temple marriage in the plan?

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 Chapter 10

Marital Roles – How We Get Into Marital Jams

J. Golden Kimball: “I have often wondered what would happen if a perfect man married a
perfect woman. I’ll bet he would shoot her inside of a week if she didn’t poison him first. (in
Claude Richards, “J. Golden Kimball: The Story of a Unique Personality” (Salt Lake City: Utah,
Bookcraft, 1966, 99-100).

What difficulties arise in marriage to cause a couple to sever ties, or in common parlance,
‘fall out of love?’ It turns out that there are a number of areas where married couples can get into
trouble. I have listed a few typical ones that create what I call ‘marital jams.’ None of these
should be the basis for breaking covenants or ending a marriage, but they do present challenges
to couples over the course of a lifetime.

1. Selfishness/pride – mentioned as primary reasons by Presidents Kimball, Benson, and

Hinckley.
2. Role expectations/performances that lead to role discrepancies, different marital scripts.
3. Lack of humility – an unwillingness to apologize/repent or change
4. Lack of self discipline - alcohol, drugs, affairs, flirting outside of marriage
5. Lack of positive communication/validation, (see Chapter 11).
6. Temper, anger--individuals easily offended, mean-spirited
7. Inability to handle crises/stress well
8. Immaturity – marry at an early age, family backgrounds of wealth/poverty
9. Differences in church background/beliefs
10. Disagreements over money management/income/spending habits
11. Use of leisure time--couch/mouse potato
12. Physical limitations, illness/depression, mental health issues
13. Differences in child-rearing/parenting practices
14. Domination/control/smothering of spouse and children
15. Sexual incompatibility--frequency, technique
16. In-law interferences that split spouse loyalties
17. Decision making/power issues

In this chapter I want to discuss #2 in the above list concerning marital roles, role
expectations, role performances, and role discrepancies.

There are nine different roles that we carry out in marriage. They include the following:

Spouse Role – a married person

Kinship Role – marriage makes us a son/daughter-in-law with a mother/father-in-law!
Sexual Role – first time ever to engage in this sacred union
Parent Role – parenthood, child care (not the same as baby-sitting!)

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Housekeeping Role – household management
Therapist Role – you marry your therapist!
Provider Role – earning income, managing resources.
Recreation Role – leisure time pursuits? Exercise? TV use? Joint activities? Date nights?
Religious Role – Church activity, living gospel principles in the home

In considering each of these nine roles, we actually come into marriage with a vast
number of what I call Role Expectations as to how these roles are to be carried out. These are
assumptions we have about how each of us will carry out each of the specific marital roles listed
above. It turns out that we have myriad expectations as to how we will perform them personally
and we have an abundance of how we think our spouse should/will function in these same roles.
Role expectations are defined as our beliefs about appropriate role behavior in a specific role,
behavior that we believe to be normal and reasonable. For example, in the sexual role we expect
our spouse will participate in intimate exchanges on a regular basis and that we will have similar
ideas as to sexual interest, responses, satisfaction, etc. However, should we marry someone with
different role expectations, perhaps one who feels that monthly intimate contact is a ‘normal’
frequency, we then encounter what I call a role discrepancy. A discrepancy is the difference
between what behavior we expect of ourselves or our spouse and what behavior actually takes
place.

Role Expectations – behavior/beliefs we hold concerning different marital roles

Role Performances – actual behavior manifested by either spouse in a specific role.
Role Discrepancy – difference between expected behavior and what behavior actually takes
place in carrying out a role.

Newly married couples quickly learn that there are many role ‘discrepancies’ that arise as
they live together 24/7. If a role discrepancy is unimportant, such as dispensing toothpaste from
the tube, toilet paper roll direction--we laugh about such differences. (However, I once had a
student tell me that the direction of the toilet paper roll was ‘extremely important.’ She said if
her husband really wanted to frustrate her, he would turn the toilet paper to roll from underneath
rather than over the top. She indicated that when she visited someone else’s home where the
toilet paper did not roll in the ‘proper direction,’ she straightened it out by making the change for
the homeowner!)

A colleague of mine had students and counselees memorize this statement: “A major
cause of marital unhappiness is the unwillingness and/or inability of one partner in a
marriage relationship to behave in the manner that is expected by the spouse.” – Charles
Beckert.

Here are areas where role discrepancies typically arise:

Housekeeping assignments – bedmaking, cleaning, dishwashing, garbage take-out,

laundry, vacuuming, etc. Organizing/picking up clothes, clutter, organization, messiness.
Sexual frequency – who initiates, arousal methods, frequency, etc.
Parenting – employment versus time at home, energy levels, cooperation, agreement on
child discipline, etc.

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Income distribution/money management – both spouses require spending funds; someone
must be in charge of paying bills, keeping records, filing taxes, etc.
Yard work/gardening chores/car maintenance – who has responsibility for what areas?
Family Home Evening – who conducts? Length? Children’s reactions? Adjustments?, etc.
Scripture study – individual/together? How many verses/chapters, frequency, time of day?
Church attendance/callings: Agreement on religious activities/commitment?
Dating/spending time/leisure activities – enriching marriage, date nights, baby-sitters, etc.
Parenting philosophies – agreement on discipline, allowances, family rules, etc.?
Shopping – grocery purchases, brands, clothes, thrift stores/department stores/internet, luxuries,
automobiles?
Driving habits/patterns? Who drives?
Meal preparation – ife? Dad? Menus? Eating out frequency? Food
budget? Spending time with family/friends – time away from home/golfing/
shopping?
Do you recognize any areas where role discrepancies exist in your marriage? As you can
see, there are many areas where differences can easily arise. Consider these real-life examples:

There are a few things that my wife does that I just didn't anticipate before we
were married (role expectations). She loves to get the tweezers out and pluck my
whiskers out of my face and any other stray hairs that she can find (role performance).
Before she was married to me she used to pluck the hairs out of her legs. She loves
plucking things. And now she has discovered a gold mine of "good pluckin's" as she
calls them--in my face. I HATE IT! (role discrepancy) I hate it when she plucks them
out. It hurts, especially around the neck area. I have expressed my displeasure with
regard to her plucking many times but she just says, "Oh I 'm sorry. I don't want to hurt
you--ooh look there's a good one! Let me get it." I have hidden the tweezers a couple of
times (efforts to resolve discrepancy) but she just buys more.

Prior to marriage this fiancé had no idea that his future spouse had ‘plucking tendencies.’
What ‘normal’ person would look for opportunities to pluck hair out of a spouse’s face?

Another one: “One example applies to us. When I go to the bathroom I expect that it will
be a private experience with the door closed and no visitors to interrupt my ‘session’ (role
expectation.). My ife doesn't seem to think that way (her role expectation.) She just figures
that the bathroom is big enough for the two of us so she just comes barging in (role
performance). I started locking the door (effort to resolve discrepancy) but she gets offended
at that. I don’t get it.”

Another: “I never considered myself an emotional person until I was married (self role
expectation.) My husband never saw me cry until we were married. Poor guy, he thought that
he was marrying an emotionally stable person (role expectation.) Little did he know, or did I
know for that matter, I could cry at the drop of a hat (role performance.) At first he thought that
it was something that he did, but most of the time I just needed to cry. I guess that it is a way that
I relieve stress. Now when I start to cry he knows that it is pretty much useless to ask me why
I'm crying because I usually don't know either and he just holds me and tells me that he loves
me” (effort to resolve discrepancy).

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 Another: “I'm one of those who thought that marriage would be just the same as dating
(role expectation.) I've been married for a little over two months now, and I can tell you that it
is completely different (role performances.) It is wonderful, and I would never wish to go back
to being single again. . . . We both came into the marriage with a lot of different expectations,
and right now we are realizing that many of them were just illusions. Take, for example, an
incident that happened just last night. I like the night time, for me I always felt comfort when I
heard my parents talking in bed at night (my room was next door and so I could always hear
them). This, to me was the way that they showed their love for each other (role expectation.)
Last night after a busy day at work and at school and being apart all day, I jumped into bed
anticipating a conversation (about anything) and all I heard was heavy breathing as soon as his
head hit the pillow (role performance, role discrepancy.) My husband has been blessed with
the wonderful ability to know when I'm upset. "Honey, we have both had a rough day and
tomorrow is going to be worse. We need some sleep so at least try going to sleep," was his
response (effort to resolve role discrepancy.) We found that we both have different
expectations at night after a long day. His way to cope with it is to sleep (role expectation) and
my way is to talk (role expectation.) We stayed up and talked about what we could do better so
that each of us could/would be happy. The solution that we came up with was to go to bed
earlier (efforts to resolve discrepancy). I think that this will help because I can understand that
it is hard to have a conversation at midnight when you have a big day in front of you! This is just
one of those things that you can't learn until you are married. It can either be a big problem or a
small problem depending on how you react to the situation.”

Resolving Role Discrepancies

How do couples resolve role discrepancies? Here are some suggestions:

l. Discrepancies are to be expected. When discrepancies arise, we feel/see our reaction to our
spouse’s role performance and now find out just how Christ-like we are or aren’t! Some
of us use temper, anger, sarcasm, put-downs, etc. to try to get a spouse to change role
performances or to change expectations rather than taking time to discuss a specific
situation and decide together how best to resolve an issue.

2. Q. Who knows best how you should carry out a role performance? Your spouse, of
course! When you carry out a role performance, your spouse is impacted by your
behavior and has a natural reaction to it and it may clash with his/her expectation. If it
meets his/her expectation, there is little problem. If it leads to a serious discrepancy, it
may require counseling together as Elder M. Russell Ballard suggested (see “Family
Councils,” Ensign, May 2016, 63). The point is that marriage is a profound commitment
that each one of us has much to learn from each other about role expectations and role
performances and any adjustments we need to make to keep both of us happy.

3. Change role expectations. As we run into a role discrepancy and learn how our spouse
would really like us to carry out a role, we can change our role expectation. A husband
may come into marriage with the expectation that his wife will handle all kitchen duties.
However, she may not have the same expectation! Her expectation may be that if she
cooks, he ought to do dishes and clean-up. An agreeable husband can easily change his

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 expectation and role performance to meet his wife’s expectations. We change our role
expectations before we typically change our role performance.

4. Changing role performances. As we learn more about each other’s role expectations through
talking and living together, we determine to do things differently to please our spouse.
We change our role performance to conform to our spouse’s expectations. This is the
way most of us resolve role discrepancies. We learn from each other what behavior is
desirable and because we love each other, we change the way we actually carry out a role
in order to please our companion. We are free agents, after all, and we can choose to
make changes within our ability to do so. (When change takes place it is helpful for a
spouse to notice the change and make a positive comment to reinforce the behavior.)

5. Appreciate differences in personalities. We each do things differently because of our

backgrounds and experiences and mature couples realize that differences actually add a
little spice to life. Some things are not worth fussing over. Men and women are different,
hallelujah! Do not try to remake your spouse into another you! How would you like to be
married to a clone of you? As President Dieter F. Uchtdorf counseled: “Rather than
attempting to force everyone into a mold of our own making, we can choose to celebrate
these differences and appreciate them for adding richness and constant surprises to our
lives” (“In Praise of Those Who Save,” Ensign, May 2016, 79).

6. Compromise in the direction of a spouse’s ‘core belief.’ Core beliefs are strongly held
beliefs that are so ingrained into our souls that they are very difficult to change. For
example, one couple finally gathered sufficient finances to buy a new bedroom set at a
local furniture store. The selection was large and they got separated from each other in
their search. Finally the wife called out to her husband to come and see the set that she
was examining and believed to be a perfect fit for their bedroom. The problem was that it
was a bedroom set with separate beds! When her husband realized what she was
intimating, he was extremely hurt. She asked him why the dour face? She explained that
it was the right price and it just fit their bedroom dimensions. Obviously, his role
expectation was that married people sleep in the same bed! Somehow that was not a role
expectation his wife held. In this case, the principle is: Compromise in the direction of
the companion’s ‘core belief.’ In this case, the wife agrees to a double, queen, or king-
sized bed.

7. Avoid areas of marriage until there is greater self maturity! My wife and I have different
driving habits and patterns. When I am simply a passenger in the car with her, I have
some anxieties. We resolved this issue by my driving almost all of the time on short trips.
She is content to talk, to read, to listen to books on tape with me, etc. on road trips, but
we seem to get along much better with this arrangement! I know couples where it works
the same in reverse!

8. Teach very gently about role expectations. Women like lots of pillows on a bed,
for example. They like towels folded in certain ways, sheets and blankets arranged in
ways that husbands had not really thought about before they married! Usually wives are
more interested in how things are organized at home, so husbands need to understand her

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 role expectations and make whatever adjustments are within his ability to carry out. We
teach/request kindly when we desire a change in a partner’s role performance.

9. A serious role discrepancy? When a serious role discrepancy arises, such as disciplining
children, sexual frequency, etc., it is important for the couple to talk one on one, with
both being respectful of the other’s opinion combined with a desire to accommodate a
spouse’s expectations or adjust in ways that are agreeable to both parties. You do have a
few years to work out these discrepancies, and you will find it easier as your love and
appreciation for one another increases over the years. We become more anxious to please
our spouse than worry about our own idiosyncrasies. We strengthen marriage when we
meet each other’s needs. Some of the things that may have bothered us when we first
married we learn are unique to our spouse and the probability of change on their part is
not very high. When our love for each other increases, little things that may have
bothered us in the past really become irrelevant compared to the good things we learn to
love about each other. Socks on the floor, a microwave door left open, a garage door left
open, are not as critical to the relationship as we at first thought. That doesn’t mean we
can’t remind each other very gently if something needs attention, but a simple reminder, a
suggestion, a compliment, a sincere request that something be done differently is more
easily accepted when love and respect for each other exists.

10. Be aware that we play a role in whatever problems arise. I once had a school teacher in
desperate need of marital help. She called me to tell me that her husband had left her.
She was distraught. She had come home only to find that he had taken all his clothes and
possessions and had vanished. As I visited with her and as we discussed reasons why he
may have left, I could see no obvious reason. She was attractive, was earning income for
the family as a teacher, enjoyed being a mother, etc. I finally said to her, “Why don’t you
give me your husband’s cell phone and I’ll call him. I am curious as to why he left.” She
indicated that his cell phone was lost and he had not yet replaced it. I asked her to give
me a call when she knew how I could contact him. She called me that night at my home.
“My husband has agreed to come and meet with you. Can we come tomorrow
afternoon?”

As we met together, having visited with her the prior day, I asked her husband: “Jim,
your wife told me that you moved your clothes and everything out of the house. What
was happening in your relationship that you felt you needed to take that drastic step?”

Before Jim could answer my query, his wife jumped in to explain to me how Jim felt
about a number of things in their marriage. I thanked her for her comments and then
went back to Jim. “Jim, tell me what was going on that you felt the need to leave Carol.”

Before Jim could respond to my second query, Carol again jumped in to clarify some
things about her husband. Again, I thanked her for her comments. When I tried the third
time to learn from Jim why he felt the need to leave home, Carol jumped in again with
another comment. She would not let Jim answer the question. This time I said to her:
“Carol, you and I talked yesterday. Today I have Jim here and I’d like to find out from
him what was going on in your relationship that caused him to leave.” While I was

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 explaining this to her, I could see out of the corner of my eye that Jim was shaking his
head in agreement with my comment. I turned to him and said, “Jim, do you ever see her
interrupting you like this at home?” Well, Jim could hardly wait to tell me that whenever
he tried to share something important with his wife, she could always find something that
happened to her that day that was much worse than what he experienced. If he said, “I
had a rough day at the office,” she would counter with: “You think you had a tough day,
you should have seen what those school kids did to my chalkboard.” She always had an
“I-can-top-your-story” approach and it was very disconcerting to him.

One of the complaints that Carol had about Jim when we first talked was that when he
came home, he usually picked up the paper or plopped down in front of the TV. She was
exasperated that he would not talk to her about important family activities. Now that we
were together, he explained: “It isn’t much fun to come home when I can’t share anything
with you without you interrupting me or having to outdo whatever I share with you.”

The problem was exacerbated when at work Jim found a female receptionist who was
very friendly, who enjoyed talking with him, who did not interrupt him when he talked;
in fact she was quite enamored with him and his comments. Jim began going to work
earlier and coming home later because he enjoyed the companionship of this co-worker
more than he did his own wife. That was the reason he decided he would rather be
married to the receptionist than his schoolteacher wife.

The two of them successfully worked through this issue and Jim returned home and to the
family. Carol learned to be a better listener, to compliment her husband for the good
things he did, to stop interrupting him when he shared ideas and comments. It was not
easy for her. It took time for her to change her negative habits and patterns that were
impacting her husband in ways that were detrimental to their marriage. The point of this
story is that sometimes we are the ones responsible for marital disharmony. It is not
always our spouse who is the primary problem!

Here are a few more examples of role discrepancies:

“I have been married for a little over a month now and I have really enjoyed it. However,
being married is different than what I thought it would be (role expectation.) She comes from a
small family used to having the things she wanted. I come from a family of seven where if we
wanted something we had to earn it ourselves. I have also been a college student for the last two
years. The first time my wife and I went shopping was quite an interesting event. I thought I
was going to pull my hair out. She kept wanting to buy the name brands (role expectation) and
I wanted to get the no-name brands (role expectation) in order to save money.

Another: “My husband will not do something he doesn't want to do for anyone, even if
he knows it will make me happy. He is unwilling to learn what role performances he could do to
really be of help to me. For example, I was very upset about something that happened to me a
couple days ago, and I was crying on the bed, which is my way of dealing with sadness, which
my husband thinks is wrong (role expectation). Anyway, he came and sat on the bed and
started talking to me, but when I didn't stop crying after a couple of minutes (role performance),

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he threw his hands up in the air, grabbed his pillow, and said he couldn't deal with me when I
was crying (role performance/role discrepancy.) I asked him to stay and just hold me, but he
refused and slept the whole night on the couch, which made me feel worse. I need my husband
to comfort me and give me the therapy I need, just a hug (role expectation). But because that's
not how he solves his problems, he refuses to accommodate my needs. I expect my husband to
comfort me and be with me to help me through a difficult time, but I felt that he only wanted to
be my friend when I was happy and everything was going great, not when I needed him most. . .
. He always thinks his way is right and my feelings are wrong. Last night, I asked him if he loved
me because he hadn't told me in over a week, and I needed the reassurance (role expectation).
He got mad at me and asked how dare I doubt his love, and that he shouldn't have to tell me. I
should just trust him to know he loves me (role performance). But I explained as humbly as I
could that I just needed to know if and why I was special to him.”

Another: “I really have begun to learn the importance of changing either expectations or
role performances because they are rarely ever the same for me and my husband. For example,
when we first got married I thought that my husband would lead us in scripture study every
night, like my dad did (role expectation.) WRONG! He just says that he is too tired to read
(role performance). It's like pulling teeth. Anyway, we have been compromising, and now that
I do bug him about reading, he usually will bring the scriptures in himself and lead us in
scripture study” (attempt to resolve role discrepancy.)

A health issue discrepancy: “Recently my wife has had a lot of pain in her mouth. She
went to the dentist and she found out that underneath one of her roots she had an infection. She
had some work done on it. However, the swelling never went down and the pain didn't go away.
She had been taking medication, but it didn't seem to be working. Now as a commentary, I am
the type of person that when little pains or problems arise I just think to myself "buck up, drive
on and you'll get over it!" (role performance) Well I found out that my wife is very different.
(role expectation) She is the type of person that needs affectionate care. She needs someone
who will be gentle and kind with her when she is going through trials. Two nights ago she woke
up in the middle of the night and she was really crying hard. She was in a lot of pain. I hadn't got
much sleep the night before and I was tired. My body wanted to go back to bed, but I decided
not to think about myself and help her. She cried for a while and I kind of felt helpless. There
was nothing really that I could do. I prayed that she could get over it. She settled down and
made it through the night okay.” (resolving a role discrepancy)

Another: “You know, it is really funny when my wife and I talk about the different ways
we did things in our houses growing up. Let's take spaghetti, for example. Now, in both of our
homes, spaghetti was a regular item on the dinner menu and it is something that we both like. I
remember distinctly, however, the first time we made spaghetti together at my house.

When I was growing up, my mom hardly ever put hamburger or meatballs in the
spaghetti. She usually made her own "special" sauce, so when we occasionally used Ragu, it
was a real treat. My wife’s family on the other hand, hardly ever had spaghetti without meat. So
the first time we tried to make spaghetti together it was a little interesting. We were at my house,
so I was rounding things up: I got the sauce pan, the dry noodles, and a gourmet bottle of Ragu's
garden-style sauce. "The ideal spaghetti meal," I thought. But as I was putting the noodles in the

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boiling water, I noticed my wife was rummaging through the freezer. "What's this?" she asked
me, holding up a cylinder-shaped chunk wrapped in a bread sack. "Uhh, I think that's
hamburger, honey. Why?" "I just thought I'd start cooking the meat," she replied innocently.
"Do we really need the meat?" I said to myself, then repeated out loud. "I mean, the noodles will
be ready in just a minute, and that hamburger will take a while to thaw out and cook," I
continued. "But Dave, it just doesn't taste the same without meat," she insisted. This was
followed by me saying that it doesn't taste that different, that it's just as good without meat. So
by now she's little annoyed and says something like, "Fine, no big deal" and puts the meat back
in the freezer. Well, of course, this makes me feel bad, so I tell her we can have meat if she
wants. I learned that her spaghetti always had meat, and she then learned that I rarely had meat
in my spaghetti. A difference in core "spaghetti making" beliefs, I guess.”

Here’s how one couple viewed their roles: “I actually like differences once in a while
because then I can find out the reason my wife thinks the way she does or why she does things a
certain way. There's usually a reason, and it is interesting to find out more about her. I have
learned a lot about my wife (and she's learned a lot about me) these first few months of marriage.
It's fun to get to know my wife--to find out what makes her tick.”

Here are some observations from a wife concerning a variety of marital roles and how
they resolved some role discrepancies: (See if you can spot the role expectations, behavior,
and efforts to resolve discrepancies.)

House cleaning: I hate cleaning the house, so does Jim. But we both cannot stand a
messy house. We decided that while we are both in school we should both clean the house. If
the dishes need to be done, then whoever has time will do them. If we have a mountain of
laundry, we will both take turns running down to the basement to throw in a new load. I really
like this arrangement. I find that when we share the responsibilities, we cannot get angry at the
other person if it is not done. It is just as much my fault as it is his!

Cooking: I love cooking! My husband does not care to have much to do with the
kitchen. It is pretty much our agreement that I will prepare the meals. This also seems to be the
natural flow of things seeing that I arrive home an hour before he comes home. This does not
bother me one bit.

Yard work: When we first got married I left all the yard work for him. Growing up my
father and my brothers always raked, shoveled and mowed the lawn. I have never operated a
lawn mower! I guess I just wasn't used to doing these types of chores. One day I asked Fred if
he enjoyed doing this kind of work. He told me that he really didn't care for it that much. Oops!
I then realized that I should help out with this part of our chores. Fred has now committed to
teach me how to operate that scary machine known as the lawn mower.

Car Maintenance: This aspect scares me half to death! Paul loves to tinker around with
the car. It is our mutual agreement that he will care for the car. Whew! This is a big load off
my mind. I do not know the first thing about cars, and to tell you the truth, I'm not sure I really
want to know. I think I'll just mess up the whole thing anyway.”

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 The examples above are not threatening to a marriage generally because they are
manageable issues that couples typically confront. However, when a major discrepancy surfaces
in any of these nine roles, you can see that such differences could fester and impact a marriage
over time. Then these discrepancies are no longer humorous but become elements that each may
point to in order to indicate a lack of compatibility. You can see, or perhaps have experienced for
yourself, serious role discrepancies that you have resolved in the past. Serious discrepancies can
arise in any of the roles, of course, and couples who resolve them find a way to deal with a
variety of discrepancies.

Perhaps one of the best ways to prevent role discrepancies from becoming serious marital
issues is to seek occasional feedback from each other to see what role expectations or
performances need adjusting. Suppose, for example, a husband occasionally asked his wife for
some (gentle) feedback on his role performances. (It would be wise not to try to cover all nine on
one occasion! Just one at a time, please! These are sample questions; you ask what fits your
personality in learning from each other.)

Husband Seeks Feedback on His Marital Role Performances

Spouse role: How are we doing as a couple? Are you happy? What could I do to make things
better? What do you enjoy most about being married? What do you find most frustrating that
you’d like me to change or eliminate?

Parent role: From your perspective, what could I do to be a better Dad? Do you feel like I
spend enough time with the children? Do you think I am too rough/easy with them in the way I
discipline them?

Housekeeping role: What can I do to help keep our place looking nice? Do you feel like I am
good at putting things away? What could I do to be more helpful around our home?

Sexual role: Are you comfortable with our frequency? What can I do to increase your
pleasure/satisfaction? What would you like me to do to make our intimacy a better experience
for you?

Recreation role: What do you like us to do when we have a little time off or when we have a
holiday or vacation time? Where would you like to go if we could free up some time for a mini-
honeymoon?

Therapeutic role: What kind of therapist am I to you? When you get frustrated—am I a good
listener? Do you have thoughts and feelings that you find difficult to share with me because you
worry about the way I might react?

Religious role: How are we doing spiritually and emotionally in our home/family? Do you feel
like we are consistent in family prayer? Scripture study? Family home evening? How could I
improve in my side of our couple/family spirituality?

Provider role: Are we managing money well? How do you feel about (being home all day/
having to work out of the home?) Do you have enough money to meet your personal needs?

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Kinship role: Do you feel like I support your family members? What could I do to be a better
son-in-law; a better brother-in-law?

Personality characteristics (not a role but feedback is needed.) Do you notice things about my
personality that irritate you? How about my breath, dandruff, conversational tone? Am I
embarrassing you in any way in public?

Wife seeks husband’s feedback on marital roles:

Therapeutic role: Am I easy to talk to, to share thoughts and feelings with? What could I do to
be of more help when you have a bad day or things don’t go right?

Religious role: What could I do to help more with family prayer/council meetings/family home
evenings/scripture study? Do you feel that our children are gaining testimonies? Do you see any
changes that we need to make in church attendance or family devotionals?

Homemaking role: Do you like the way our apartment/home looks/feels? Are you comfortable
with the way I keep our house? What could I do to make things more comfortable at home?

Parenting role: As you view our children, how do they feel about me as their mom? Am I too
easy or too hard on them? Give me one suggestion that I can improve on as their mom.

Spouse role: Am I meeting your needs as a wife? What could I do to improve your happiness in
our marriage? What would you like me to do more of—or less of?

Sexual role: Would you like me to initiate intimacy more often? If I didn’t feel like being
intimate on a particular occasion—how could I let you know that I love you without your
thinking that I don’t. Are you comfortable with my efforts to arouse you? Is our frequency
meeting your expectations?

Kinship role: What could I do to be of more support to your parents, to your brothers and
sisters? How do you feel your folks and siblings feel about me and our marriage?

Recreation role: Are we both staying in shape physically? Should we join a recreation center?
Should we walk more, exercise together. Friday night dates—why don’t we take turns on
planning what we’ll do the night we are in charge?

Provider role: Would you like me to go back to work to increase our income? (If the wife is
already working, then “Do you think it is time for me to come home from work to be with the
children?) Are we meeting our expenses okay? Are we neglecting the children because of work
schedules?

Seek gentle feedback from each other being very careful to share ideas in a Christ-like
way—after all this is your eternal companion and you want to treat each other at least as good as
you would a neighbor or close friend! Seeking feedback on role performances should be a
positive time to compliment each other where things are actually working out well.

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 Here is wise counsel from a prophet about resolving marital situations where one or both
partners may feel a lack of compatibility:

Sometimes, as we travel throughout the Church, a husband and wife will come to us and
ask if, because they are not compatible in their marriage--they having had a temple
marriage--it wouldn't be better if they were to free themselves from each other and then
seek more congenial partners. To all such we say, whenever a couple who have been
married in the temple say they are tiring of each other, it is an evidence that either one or
both are not true to their temple covenants. Any couple married in the temple who
are true to their covenants will grow dearer to each other, and love will find a
deeper meaning on their golden wedding anniversary than on the day they were
married in the house of the Lord. Don't you mistake that (Teachings of Harold B.
Lee, 249).

Listen to this counsel from President Gordon B. Hinckley:

“There is a remedy for all of this (marital stress). It is not found in divorce. It is found
in the gospel of the Son of God. He it was who said, “What therefore God hath joined together,
let no man put asunder” (Matt. 19:6). The remedy for most marriage stress is not in divorce.
It is in repentance. It is not in separation. It is in simple integrity that leads a man to
square up his shoulders and meet his obligations. It is found in the Golden Rule. . . .
There must be recognition on the part of both husband and wife of the solemnity and
sanctity of marriage and of the God-given design behind it.
There must be a willingness to overlook small faults, to forgive, and then to forget.
There must a holding of one’s tongue. Temper is a vicious and corrosive thing that
destroys affection and casts out love.
There must be self-discipline that constrains against abuse of wife and children and self.
There must be the Spirit of God, invited and worked for, nurtured and strengthened.
There must be recognition of the fact that each is a child of God—father, mother, son
and daughter, each with a divine birthright—and also recognition of the fact that when we offend
one of these, we offend our Father in Heaven.
There may be now and again a legitimate cause for divorce. I am not one to say that it is
never justified. But I say without hesitation that this plague among us, which seems to be
growing everywhere, is not of God, but rather is the work of the adversary of righteousness and
peace and truth.
You need not be his victims. You can rise above his wiles and entreaties. Get rid of the
titillating entertainment, the pornography that leads to evil desires and reprehensible activity.
Wives, look upon your husbands as your precious companions and live worthy of that
association. Husbands, see in your wives your most valued asset in time or eternity, each a
daughter of God, a partner with whom you can walk hand in hand, through sunshine and
storm, through all the perils and triumphs of life. Parents, see in your children sons and
daughter of your Father in Heaven, who will hold you accountable for them. Stand together as
their guardians, their protectors, their guides, their anchors.” (“What God hath Joined Together,
Ensign, May 1991, 73-74).

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 Chapter 11

Marital and Family Communication—Important Elements

Recall the nine suggestions in the Family Proclamation written by the First Presidency
and The Quorum of the Twelve Apostles in 1995. Did you notice that of the nine suggestions
‘communication’ was not listed? Who would have thought that apostles and prophets would not
include communication in a list of the major elements of successful marriages? Most secular
writers list communication as a top priority if not the major problem in troubled relationships.
Instead, prophets state that pride and selfishness are the primary culprits contributing to
marital difficulties. Their perspective seems to be that if a couple can communicate well
enough to marry in the first place, their communication skills must be adequate or there
would have been no marriage! Perhaps that was the perspective of President Gordon B.
Hinckley:

I hear so many complaints from men and women that they cannot communicate with one
another. Perhaps I am naive, but I do not understand this. Communication is essentially
a matter of conversation. They must have communicated when they were [dating and]
courting. Can they not continue to speak together after marriage? Can they not
discuss with one another in an open and frank and candid and happy way their
interests, their problems, their challenges, their desires? It seems to me that
communication is largely a matter of talking with one another.

Then he provided this qualification: “But let that talk be quiet, for quiet talk is the
language of love. It is the language of peace. It is the language of God” (Teachings of Gordon
B. Hinckley, Deseret Book Company, 1997, 324, italics added).

No one would downplay the value of communication in a marriage partnership because

that is the way couples converse together and there are nuances of communication that are
important. Before marriage couples do not typically complain about communication issues or
their relationship would never progress to marriage. Can you imagine what parents would say if
one of their engaged children said to them: “Mom, Dad, I don’t understand what he/she says a
lot of the time, but I am so excited that we are getting married in the temple in a few weeks!”
The parents would probably want to sit their offspring down and have a serious discussion. Also,
have you noticed that when a couple does divorce and each individual returns to dating a new
person, communication is not one of their complaints with their new interest? In fact they usually
brag about how easy it is to talk with their new friend.

In this chapter I want to introduce an important element of communication that I call

‘levels of communication.’ This analysis is relevant to all relationships but especially marriage
and family interaction.

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Communication Levels
I propose three different ‘levels’ of communication that occur in human correspondence.
Consider them in relationship to marriage.

1. Superficial level. This level of communication is an exchange between human beings that
covers topics that are, well, superficial in subject matter. They are safe topics to discuss
with practically anyone. This level allows two people to get socially acquainted but the
topics that make up a superficial level of communication are of such a nature that they do
not require much risk on the speaker’s part. This is an essential level of communication
for all of us to use but it is not a level that married couples expect will be their primary
level of sharing. “It’s a nice day, isn’t it?” is not going to create much risk or develop any
deep positive emotions between people. Most of us are not drawn closer to each other
over a discussion of weather! Yet, much of our daily communication is at this level,
perhaps as much as eighty to ninety percent. It is a comfortable level to use anywhere
and with anyone because there is little risk of being misunderstood and there is little
chance that any negative feelings will be generated. Here are some examples of this
level:

(1) How are your folks these days?

(2) When are you planning to retire?
(3) Have you seen the movie about the astronauts?
(4) What’s your favorite kind of car? (Pie? Entertainment? Class? Hobby?)
(5) What kind of weather are we expecting next week?
(6) What are your plans for a vacation this summer?
(7) Where did you learn to ski? (Play basketball? What is your favorite sport?)
(8) Have you tried the hamburgers at Red Robin? What did you think?
(9) What teacher has impressed you the most in your educational experience?
(10) We are going to add an addition to our home because we need another bedroom.
(11) What are your plans after graduation?

First dates are notorious for a superficial level of communication as are first meetings
with people we don’t know well because we don’t know enough about each other to risk any
deeply held beliefs or opinions. If we are not confident that we can risk deep-down thoughts and
feelings with another person, we don’t want to risk something that may sound dumb or
uninformed. So, we tend to stick with ‘safe’ topics, superficial topics until we learn more about
the other person and judge how much we may safely reveal. As we develop feelings of
confidence with others, we begin to feel comfortable risking more of our personal ideas,
thoughts, feelings, etc. If we find that in taking a risk of a personal nature with someone that runs
counter to the other person’s ideas or opinions, we generally move back to a safer, superficial
topic.

2. Personal Level. This level of communication involves exchanges that include deep-down
personal ideas, thoughts, opinions and feelings that are important to us. This level
includes deeply held beliefs and values on a variety of topics. Obviously there is more
risk involved at this level because we are never sure how the other person will respond to
our closely held views and feelings. This level might be illustrated this way:

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 (1) “I think the (Republicans/Democrats) waste so much money on frivolous things. I
don’t think I will vote at all this year.”
(2) “The doctor thinks that it may be cancer, but I’m hoping it isn’t.”
(3) “I don’t think it is a good idea to bring in refugees without knowing who they
are. The ones that have already come don’t integrate very well with American
values.
(4) “I think all people should pay some income tax. There are so many who don’t pay
any at all. I think we live in a welfare state that rips taxpayers off.”
(5) “My hemorrhoids are really a problem.”
(6) “I find parenting to be really difficult; it is not what I thought it would be. Teenagers
turn out to be a pain most of the time.”
(7) “I’m not so sure as I once was that the Church is true.”
(8) “I don’t think my ward is very friendly. I’ve never been asked to speak yet in all the
time I have lived here.”
(9) “I don’t think I trust ___________ as a politician.”
(10) “You don’t ever tell me that you love me. You are critical of me most of the time.
Do I ever do anything right from your point of view?”

This level of sharing obviously involves greater personal risk than does a superficial
level. When we risk feelings and personal thoughts with a person and they respond with
comments that are positive or similar to our own, we are somewhat relieved at their response and
are willing to risk more of our own beliefs, ideas, and feelings. Positive feelings are created
when these exchanges take place because they allow us to continue to share and risk personal
thoughts which are the basis of beginning a friendship. We start to feel a common bond on
various topics.

Human beings share personal ideas readily when they perceive that the other person has
similar ideas and thoughts, or at least is accepting of what they share. Positive feelings are thus
generated at this level. The process of building a relationship proceeds like this: At first we
share topics at a superficial level. As we come to see that the other person has ideas and
thoughts similar to our own, we are encouraged to share more personal thoughts and
opinions. In this way positive emotions are created and we feel a measure of comradery.
We like to be around people who view values, morals, religion, politics, and ideas similar to
our own. A Republican and a Democrat would have a hard time sharing at a personal level!

Risking personal thoughts and feelings and having them accepted is how people typically
‘fall in love.’ We learn in getting acquainted that our ideas are congruent and as we share
thoughts about many topics and subjects, we enjoy being together to share more of ourselves.
Positive feelings lead to holding hands, embraces, kisses, and increased affection in dating
situations over time. On the other hand, when we risk at a personal level, we do not expect to be
belittled or criticized or made to feel dumb by the other person. When we learn that we can share
almost any idea or thought with a dating partner, for example, we begin to develop feelings of
compatibility that create positive emotions we label as ‘love feelings.’ In marriage we expect that
our personal views will be treated kindly and respectfully by a spouse even though we differ in
opinion on specific topics that do not challenge our compatibility.

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 We guard against personal hurt and emotional injury when we discuss sensitive topics
such as religion, politics, parenting methods, or philosophical positions. We may be hesitant to
openly expose our personal ideas if we are not sure that our risk will be handled well. This is a
critical point in marriage. Generally, issues of compatibility develop in the dating and courtship
phases prior to marriage. If we learn that we cannot risk deeply held beliefs with the person we
date, we are not likely to continue the relationship. Of course not all couples agree on every
issue, but on important topics/subjects there must be a semblance of agreement or the
relationship will not progress.

This personal level of communication is important in moving a couple beyond a

superficial level and is especially crucial in marriage relationships. The way we learn about each
other’s viewpoints, opinions, beliefs, feelings, and preferences, is through sharing at this level. It
is the way feelings for each other develop and deepen as we gain an appreciation for each other.
In marriage we anticipate that we will come to know each other’s heart and soul in intimate ways
unique to the marriage relationship as we mutually exchange deeply-held views and opinions.

3. Validation Level. This third level of communication is always positive, is complimentary in

tone, and may be conveyed verbally or nonverbally. “Wow, you look stunning in that
dress,” or “I have loved you since the day I first met you,” would be examples of verbal
validation. A wink, a glance of approval, a smile, a thumbs-up sign, or a kind touch
convey validating messages in non-verbal ways. Typically we like being around people
where compliments are exchanged. On the other hand, we tend to avoid, when we can,
individuals who are abrasive, condescending, or who express different positions or
opinions than us on issues we consider important.

Validation strengthens friendships as well as marriages. In marriage, we want to develop

a good relationship with our eternal companion and we expect to share personal views on almost
every topic. We also expect to share frequent expressions of appreciation for each one’s
contribution to the marriage. Good friends easily share positive messages without fear of ridicule
or embarrassment. So too, happily married couples, almost by definition, are those who find it
easy to risk deeply held feelings and ideas with each other without fear of belittlement and
where validation comes easily and frequently. Struggling couples, on the other hand, find it
difficult to compliment or share personal positive thoughts with a spouse for fear of being
contradicted or criticized or made to feel inferior. If contention of any kind arises in a
relationship, the conversation will necessarily revert to a safe, superficial level. Though the
superficial level will always be a part of any communication sequence, this level does not
encourage further risk. In fact, it is often a retreat from criticism or negative feedback. Validating
statements or actions would include the following:

(1) “I am grateful to the Lord for finding you. Being married to you has been the most
important decision of my life and one of the most enjoyable.”
(2) “You always dress so nicely.”
(3) “Your mother is the best cook in the county and you are just like her.”
(4) “I appreciated your insights in class today about Abinadi’s response to King Noah.”
(5) “I know that my entire family loves you. They are always expressing to me
how thoughtful you are and how happy they are that we are married.”

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 (6) “To think that I almost didn’t marry you! It scares me to think back how close I
came to making a major mistake if I had let you go.”
(7) “As I watch our children respond to your gentle ways, I think how much they really
love their dad/mom.”
(8) “Had I known while dating that I would be so in love with you after marriage, I would
have moved our wedding date up a month.”
(9) “You know what I really appreciate about you? Your fun personality. I always feel
comfortable around you. I feel like I can share my deepest feelings with you
without criticism.”
(10) Reaching over and holding hands in the movie/church meeting or sitting on the
couch watching a program together in close proximity.

In viewing the above list, in the context of a sincere, genuine expression of love and
appreciation, this last level creates positive feelings between sweethearts and cements bonds of
love between married lovers. Validation, of course, is not limited to marriage. It is also an
essential level of communication between good friends as well as parent-child interactions.

Kind, acceptable, and welcome physical touches include sexual intimacy, an important
form of validation in marriage. The Lord designed intimate contact between husband and wife
as a way to enrich a marriage, as a way to bring a level of sharing love and appreciation between
companions that is unique to marriage. Spouses who are spontaneous in personal risking and
expressing validation develop a level of trust and confidentiality between them that strengthens
marital bonds. Obviously, the opposite is also true. When a spouse feels used or abused,
intimacy or even affection is not validating but becomes more of an obligation or chore just to
satisfy the physical demands of a spouse rather than an intense form of validation. The Lord
designed intimate expressions between husband and wife to be a close physical embrace as well
as a way to express deeply-held feelings of love. It is a powerful form of validation that
strengthens marriages.

Here is a diagram of this process:

Risk personal thoughts -------Positive Response---------Continue to share/risk/reveal more

Creates positive feelings and emotions; personal and validation levels continue

Risk personal thoughts-------Negative Response--------Cease personal and validation levels

Creates negative feelings and emotions; conversation reverts to superficial level

Human Needs
Husband and wives, like all human beings, have a need to feel loved, appreciated,
wanted, valued, needed, etc. We hope that these needs will be met by our spouse and family
members. Though we are aware of our own personal weaknesses and imperfections, we hope
that such limitations will be ignored or overlooked by them. Do we not all have a need for touch,
for intimate exchanges, to share personal thoughts and feelings with others? We have a need to
feel included in social circles. We want to know that our ideas are acceptable, that we are
creative and perhaps unique as human beings. We want to know that we can contribute in
positive ways to the lives of others. We want to be trusted. All of these needs are met in the way

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we communicate with others and the level of risk we are willing to put forth.

To illustrate the principle of risk and our need to feel accepted, consider the example of
sitting in a Gospel Doctrine class and the teacher asks the class for comments. You now
understand the concept of risk. Should I contribute an idea or not? You realize that if you say
something, it ought to be cogent. You do not want to embarrass yourself by saying something
that is off-base. Perhaps others will agree wholeheartedly with your comment but you are not
sure about it before you express yourself out loud. When you risk a personal insight, it says
something about the way you think or believe concerning the subject at hand. So, to avoid
sounding less than brilliant, before you ever raise your hand to make a comment, you very, very
quickly rehearse in your mind what you plan to say. You hurriedly evaluate the impact of your
comment on class members and teacher before you ever open your mouth. You try to anticipate
the reaction of those who will hear what you say. This takes place in your mind rather quickly.

Much of what we do in any social situation depends on our experience and history in
risking personal comments in public. If the teacher and class members appreciate your comment,
you are encouraged and willing to continue sharing ideas from time to time. If you feel that the
class did not care for or agree with your comment, you may sit back and not say anything more
that day or in a future class. If you see that the Stake President or Bishop happens to be visiting
class that day, you may want to sit quietly and let the teacher or someone else answer questions.
When you are comfortable with your own ideas and have confidence that you have something
positive to contribute and have done so on previous occasions with positive outcomes, you are
more willing to risk again in public. The point is that we are willing to risk personal ideas
according to our past experiences with risking. The same principle holds true in a marriage. If
you are able to risk personal ideas and feelings with your spouse in ways that are enjoyable
to both of you, then the two of you will continue to risk your heartfelt views.

Integration

We need now to integrate the two concepts of human needs and levels of
communication. Question: Which of the three levels of communication discussed earlier are
most likely to meet a person’s need to feel loved, appreciated, and valued? It should be apparent
that both personal and validation levels are most likely to play that role.

Perhaps we can state the principle this way: If you personally feel worthwhile, loved,
needed, and desirable, it is because you are able to communicate with people in your life at
both personal and validating levels. On the other hand, if you feel rejected, unloved,
worthless, frustrated and are frequently depressed, you probably are unable to share at
personal or validating levels of communication in marriage or with family members, or you
have few friends or colleagues.

The point of communication in marriage can be summed up this way: It isn’t that we
individually can’t or don’t know how to communicate with people; the problem is that we
don’t feel like risking personal beliefs, opinions, and ideas with someone who not only does
not appreciate our perspective, but may be quite critical in what we risk.

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 It is far from rewarding to approach a domineering spouse or one who believes that their
way is the only right way to do something, who is easily upset, who has a controlling propensity,
who has answers for everything, who will not consider any other viewpoint, who displays
sarcasm on a regular basis, or who is usually disagreeable, apathetic or negative. If such
responses do take place, we generally back off to a safer, superficial level when dissonance
exists. In marriage it is imperative that we create a safe environment for our
companionship where we are both able to risk our very souls with each other without fear
of rebuke or arousing contention. Perhaps now we understand President Hinckley’s earlier
comment about communication between spouses.

Risk-Taking
Being able to risk at personal and validating levels is an extremely important concept in
marriage. This is because if validation is infrequent or one spouse finds it difficult to share
personal thoughts and feelings, the relationship will have difficulty maintaining a close
emotional connection. If we learn that we can’t share meaningful subjects and topics with each
other or that when we do they bring negative reactions, we are forced to move to a safer level of
communication—a superficial level. However, at this level, there is little chance of creating
positive emotions or increasing feelings of love between individuals.

The net effect of negative exchanges in a marriage leads to a loss of confidence in sharing
more of oneself, a withdrawal from personal and validating levels of sharing and a return to a
superficial level. This leads to withholding personal comments and information, a mistrust of
each other, anger, an increase in frustration levels that often leads to an “emotional divorce” and
an avoidance of intimate exchanges. When these negative aspects of communication take place,
hurt feelings and a lack of a desire to share personal thoughts and feelings result. When a person
feels that they cannot share their ideas and feelings with a spouse, validation is also stunted
or avoided and the relationship deteriorates.

On the other hand, the net effect of a couple’s ability to risk and share at intimate levels
of communication develop a much deeper bond between the two. When couples find it easy to
share at personal and validating levels of communication, trust is strengthened, emotional
closeness is enhanced, love feelings are increased, the relationship is constantly renewed, and the
desire to be affectionate and intimate increases. Touching is then pleasurable, sexual intimacy is
welcome, and a willingness to continue correspondence is anticipated when these conditions are
met. We become mutual therapists. In short, it makes marriage enjoyable and the ability to share
at these levels of communication is the hallmark of happily married couples. Every married
couple must be willing to share at all three levels. It is then that communication blesses married
couples. When these levels exist naturally and spontaneously, marriage rises to a greater level of
wholeness and happiness.

Here is how one wife expressed herself concerning risk in marriage:

About two weeks ago Jim initiated a discussion with me. He started by
telling me how much he loved me and then asked me how I felt about our
relationship. Truthfully, I had felt that we were a little distant due to [our busy
lives]. He expressed that he felt something needed to change. He [felt] that . . .

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 [we] needed to put each other first because our marriage was the most important
thing in our lives. He told me he was very sorry that he hadn't been attentive lately
and asked me if he had done anything to offend me. We talked about our
competitive natures and a few other things. It was like a miracle. It was like he
knew exactly how I was feeling. . . . I cried because it hurt my heart to know that
he was so worried about us and our relationship. I was so grateful that he was so
willing to tell me truthfully how he was feeling. . . .
This conversation opened my eyes! Ever since that night, something has
definitely changed. We both committed to be better and to give a hundred and ten
percent. Our relationship has never been bad. But this conversation took our love
to a new, fresh level. He once told me, “Do you know what I want our children to
remember most about me? . . . How much I love you.” After this conversation I
realized that he truly was trying, and I needed to be so much better. I prayed about
it like I never have before and fasted about it. I found new, fun, interesting ways
to tell and show him how much I loved him. I find the more I strive to love him,
the more we grow closer and joy wells up in our hearts. Jim taught me a great
lesson about risking. . . . Most importantly, we grew to a new, exciting level, and I
know better now how to lift him and love him the way he needs me to.

The Importance of Validation

Marriage should contain frequent expressions of appreciation for meals, for financial
stability, for the joy of intimate contact, for housekeeping skills, for testimony, etc. The list is
endless of what we should love about our spouse as we live and work together to establish our
family. Who would want to live in a marriage where there is little or no validation or
acknowledgment or appreciation for what we contribute to the relationship? Every spouse has a
need for a compliment to know that what he or she is doing has a positive effect on others in the
family.

Elder Jeffrey R. Holland gave a classic address at Brigham Young University that best
illustrates the principle of validation.

Love is a fragile thing, and some elements in life can try to break it. Much
damage can be done if we are not in tender hands, caring hands. To give ourselves
totally to another person, as we do in marriage, is the most trusting step we take in
any human relationship. It is a real act of faith—faith all of us must be willing to
exercise. If we do it right, we end up sharing everything—all our hopes, all our
fears, all our dreams, all our weaknesses, and all our joys—with another person. .
..

He then mentioned that he and his wife had been married long enough for each of
them to know a great deal about each other. He continued:

The result is that I know much more clearly now how to help her, and, if I let
myself, I know exactly what will hurt her. In the honesty of our love—love that
can't truly be Christlike without such total devotion—surely God will hold me
accountable for any pain I cause her by intentionally exploiting or hurting her

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 when she has been so trusting of me, having long since thrown away any self-
protection in order that we could be, as the scripture says, “one flesh” (Genesis
2:24). To impair or impede her in any way for my gain or vanity or emotional
mastery over her should disqualify me on the spot to be her husband. . . .

In a dating and courtship relationship, I would not have you spend five minutes
with someone who belittles you, who is constantly critical of you, who is cruel at
your expense and may even call it humor. Life is tough enough without having
the person who is supposed to love you leading the assault on your self-esteem,
your sense of dignity, your confidence, and your joy. In this person’s care you
deserve to feel physically safe and emotionally secure. . . .

Temper tantrums are not cute even in children; they are despicable in adults,
especially adults who are supposed to love each other. We are too easily
provoked; we are too inclined to think that our partner meant to hurt us—meant to
do us evil, so to speak; and in defensive or jealous response we too often rejoice
when we see them make a mistake and find them in a fault. Let's show some
discipline on this one. Act a little more maturely. Bite your tongue if you have to.
“He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit
than he that taketh a city” (Proverbs 16:32). At least one difference between a
tolerable marriage and a great one may be that willingness in the latter to allow
some things to pass without comment, without response” (“How Do I Love
Thee,” BYU Devotional, 15 February, 2000.)

This last point is very important. Sometimes a husband (or wife) will come home to find
sprinklers left on or a garage light still aglow, and, as Elder Holland says, we quickly point out to
our spouse that he or she is not yet ready for translation as we review the increased cost to the
family budget. Our suggestion following Elder Holland’s counsel, is this: Turn off the light or
sprinklers, go into the house and be grateful that your spouse is still alive and probably working
on your dinner. Remember that you make your own share of impressive mistakes. We all
misjudge on occasion and it is not on purpose. Our role as a husband or wife is not to focus on
the flaws of a spouse, but to encourage them as we like to be encouraged. Growth as a
couple comes when we mutually express positives and appreciation for the good things
taking place in our lives. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf said it well: “If we look for
imperfections in our spouse or irritations in our marriage, we will certainly find them, because
everyone has some. On the other hand, if we look for the good, we will surely find it, because
everyone has many good qualities too” (‘In Praise of Those Who Save,” Ensign, May2016, 78).

Conclusion
Be wise and careful how you respond to the personal risks of spouse and children lest you
find them communicating with you at only a superficial level of communication. If you are quick
to criticize or judge and comment in negative ways, your marriage will barely survive and your
children will not seek you out for counsel or advice. Your goal should be to use communication
as a tool to bless your companionship and emphasize the good in family relationships. As
couples, we grow together through positive communication, especially at personal and validation
levels which take marriage to a deeper and more profound level of love.

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 Chapter 12

Marital Intimacy

Dr. Stephen E. Lamb and I published a book some time ago entitled “Between Husband
and Wife: Gospel Perspectives on Marital Intimacy” (Covenant Communications.) In this
volume we looked at marriage and marital intimacy from both gospel and medical perspectives.
We shared information with couples in a desire to prepare them not only for their honeymoon
experience but to assist them as a couple over a lifetime of intimate exchanges. We covered the
‘blessings’ and ‘challenges’ that this union brings to couples and pointed out cautions and pitfalls
that might occur as well as providing solutions to difficulties that arise in this area of marriage.

Since that volume was published, I interviewed a number of young couples who were
experiencing difficulty in negotiating their first attempts at sexual intercourse. Inasmuch as
Latter-day Saints believe in chastity before marriage and complete fidelity after marriage, the
honeymoon generally brings two virgins together who are inexperienced in sexual relations but
who are anxious to make this initial coupling the very best experience for both. This enthusiasm
is especially true when the external culture is steeped in delivering sexual messages in every
form of media where sexual relations between mostly non-married couples are made to look
comfortable and easy to negotiate.

Years ago, President Spencer W. Kimball wrote about couples who find difficulty in this
aspect of marriage to be a contributor to a couple’s breakup. He said, “If you study the divorces
as we have had to do in these past years, you will find there are . . . several reasons. Generally
sex is the first. They did not get along sexually” (Kimball, Teachings, 312, Italics added).

He gave counsel about marital intimacy by saying:

Husband and wife . . . are authorized; in fact they are commanded, to have proper
sex when they are properly married for time and eternity. That does not mean that we
need to go to great extremes. That does not mean that a woman is the servant of her
husband. It does not mean that any man has a right to demand sex anytime that he might
want it. He should be reasonable and understanding and it should be a general program
between the two, so they understand and everybody is happy about it. (The Teachings of
Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball (Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1982), 312,
italics added.)

President Kimball was aware, as are those who work with couples, that sexual
satisfaction is a leading indicator of the quality of a couple’s marriage. Couples that love each
other with that divine love that emanates from an eternal perspective eagerly anticipate this
physical and emotional dimension of marriage. The marriage ceremony in the Lord’s House, as
President Kimball stated, authorizes this union in the form of a command.

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 After a lifetime of knowing that this relationship is ‘out of bounds’ prior to marriage, it
often becomes a challenge for a chaste couple to begin this profound expression of love and
caring after years of avoiding intimate contact in order to serve missions and to eventually be
worthy to marry in the temple.

One of the problems that arises for young couples just beginning marriage is the lack of
help and preparation they receive from parents. Very few mothers or fathers, from my
observation and interviews, take the time or make the effort to help a son or daughter prepare for
the thrilling adventure of the honeymoon. This neglect comes in spite of the fact that the parents
themselves went through their own similar experiences and have their own memories of the
difficulties of those first attempts!

Receptions
When we attend receptions as guests for those who just tied the marital knot, we deposit
tokens of love in the form of gifts, and assume, as we embrace them and wish them well, that
someone—parents or ecclesiastical leaders—provided some instruction and counsel as to what to
expect in the way of their upcoming initiation to marital intimacy. With movies and videos
broadcasting erotic themes and images, it is easy to assume that today’s newlyweds know all
about what to expect and what will happen when they are alone those first few nights together.
We just assume that ‘nature will take its course’ and the couple will have a wonderful
honeymoon away from friends and families. However, many couples soon find this intimate
exchange to be more difficult than they anticipated.

There is an anxiety that accompanies a couple’s first venture into this intimate realm,
especially the night before the wedding when they begin to anticipate how the next evening will
unfold. Their feelings intensify as the wedding reception comes to an end! For nearly every
couple, however, the honeymoon is greatly anticipated as the acceptable way to begin married
life.

Many find out that honeymoons can be difficult

Many couples responded that their initial time together did not go well at ‘consummating
marriage.’ In fact the percentage of couples experiencing difficulty in their initial efforts and
even subsequent attempts was surprisingly high in this sample. Some problems arose because of
a lack of knowledge of male and female anatomy, others through a lack of knowing about male
or female sexual responses, and many soon-to-be-brides failed to have a thorough physical exam
prior to their honeymoon send-off. Some were unaware that lubrication is an ally and an
antibiotic a smart accessory to take along on their honeymoon. Some couples initially had
difficulty communicating about arousal and intercourse processes simply because they had not
yet developed a vocabulary to share or describe newfound reactions and feelings.

However, even those who admitted that they struggled initially were not disappointed in
having to learn from each other how to function in this intimate arena. Even though they
admitted that they ‘didn’t know what they were doing’ initially, they were happy to learn from
one another concerning their own physical responses and those of their new spouse. They viewed
the opportunity to discover together stimulation and arousal ‘techniques’ that led them to a new
level of passion as important elements in their learning curve. Brides commented on how happy

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they were to learn that their husbands were gentle, caring souls, who were willing to take things
slowly and who were sensitive to ‘pain thresholds.’

Learning from each other

It is obvious from interviews that the ‘best teacher’ in learning about sexual responses
was their spouse. Of course this is true not only for newlyweds but for couples of all ages. For
this reason, marriage really is an important commitment to learn from each other how to be a
sweetheart and lover. It seems that regardless of how many books one reads on this subject prior
to the wedding and honeymoon, it is in the actual participation that each learns how to negotiate
this wonderful expression of mutual love and appreciation.

It seems that the best way to help newly married couples prepare for their honeymoon is
to share several anecdotal accounts from recently married newlyweds who could to pass on
information that they wished they had known prior to their own experience. Their responses
were gathered anonymously, the only information being that of gender. Most couples had only
been married a few months to a year so their recall was recent. Only a handful had been married
for over a year or two. These newlywed couples responded in writing to three personal queries:

1. How well did your parents prepare you for marital intimacy?
2. Based on that preparation (or lack thereof), how did your honeymoon turn out?
3. What adjustments have you made in your relationship in the post-honeymoon period?

Here is how one husband viewed their initial experience:

Husband – Preparation for Intimacy

“My parents did their best to teach me many principles before I was married. Sadly, most
of their efforts had to be spent in trying to help me avoid any inappropriate intimacy and
to remember when instead of how to start that part of my life. As a returned missionary, I
learned to prioritize the blessing of having the Spirit with me rather than satisfying the
natural man, but I admit, as almost any healthy young man would, that every fiber of my
being occasionally wished that our engagement had been only two days long!

Finally, my parents and even my grandfather gave me a little advice. My mother

explained to me from the point of view of her first days as a wife how much a new bride
wants to satisfy her husband from the start, but how difficult it sometimes can be when
she has kept herself pure for so long and then it is time to start making drastic physical
and emotional changes—so, she told me, GO SLOW!

My father pulled me aside and sincerely complimented me on how proud he was that I
was worthy to marry in the temple. It seemed enjoyable for him to finally toss the
fatherly reigns aside and say, “But you don’t have to hold back anymore!” We tried to
keep our laughing quiet as he explained that now I should not hesitate to show my love
for my wife in every way but to avoid ever treating her like a toy. He remembered the
other side to my mother’s earlier advice and tried to be more specific by explaining that
going slow meant to…BE GENTLE!

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 Just before the reception ended, my grandfather pulled me away from the crowd and gave
me the last bit of wisdom that I feel summarized all the advice that I had ever read or
heard concerning intimacy. He said that a real man protects those he loves and
unabashedly shows that love and expresses it through soft words and selfless acts. He
added to my parents advice by saying it was not enough to be gentle, I must also . . . BE
A GENTLEMAN!”

Honeymoon
As my wife and I drove off into the sunset to begin our lives together, the words I had
heard earlier helped to soothe the anxiety I had over making the honeymoon night as
perfect as the wedding day had been. Soon, I realized the only way to do so was to
accept that what was “perfect” for us was much different from what seems so perfect in
the movies. We had dated for a year—which was short by worldly standards and we kept
ourselves chaste, which was a sharp contrast to many couples who go into their
honeymoon night with much more experience.

I admit that it turned out to be much more difficult than I expected. However, even
though we had a lot to learn, I would never trade the learning experiences we had those
first months for anything. My wife has been the most rewarding teacher of my life.
These rewards do not come without occasional frustrations, but even when things take
longer to learn than initially expected, a loving relationship founded on the eternal
perspective of a temple sealing assures us that we will have all the time we need.

Post Honeymoon
I sometimes look back on the things I said or did with my wife and it is no wonder that
frequency and the duration of intimacy were sometimes some of the biggest
miscommunications in our early relationship. During the honeymoon, I was pretty proud
of how well we followed everyone’s advice, but when we got back from our honeymoon
I quickly learned the hard way that a couple of weeks of practice on a fantasy tropical
island do not justify every impulse during the normal schedule of school, work, and the
stress of the real world. Fortunately, my wife and I have gradually learned how to talk to
each other to explain our feelings about this joint adventure.”

Here is a wife’s explanation about the adventure:

Wife – Preparation for Intimacy:

I feel that I received more preparation for the issue of intimacy than most people. My
parents, well, mainly my mother, were never embarrassed to talk about the subject once I
was about a junior or senior in high school. She would always say, “Well, you’re mature
enough for this kind of information.”
Before we were married, my husband really hated talking about things that pertain to
intimacy. As a matter of fact, he still hates discussing details. He’s okay with talking to
me so that we can know how to make the experience better; but in any other situation, he
tries to avoid it at all costs. So, before the honeymoon, I tried to explain to him that there
is a very important “timing” issue that women always take longer than men to be aroused.
However, that was about as detailed as he would let me get. I learned about the details

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 myself in an anatomy class, pointing out all the places on the body that have arousal
qualities, but my husband would not hear of such things. He simply refused to listen to
me. Naturally, I was worried about the honeymoon because I knew that it was going to
hurt the first time, and if he wasn’t going to ask how to do certain things, it was REALLY
going to hurt.

Honeymoon
Well, my mother gave me a lubrication vial to take with me on our honeymoon and I told
his best man to make sure he was “fully prepared!” Needless to say, he was well aware
that I was concerned about what was going to happen. During the honeymoon, my
husband was very gentle; however, to be honest, it did feel very awkward for him to
touch me in places I had never been touched before. It took a while before it felt natural.
Basically, he wanted me to guide him through the process knowing that I was the only
one who could tell him how I was feeling, what was stimulating and what was not, or
how ready I was for intercourse. I think that it went pretty well, but by the time it was
over, I wasn’t sure what all the hype was about. It wasn’t really all that “fun” or even
comfortable. The second night went much better than the first.
.
Recently, a good friend from high school asked me if I was nervous on my wedding
night. Really, the only thing I could say was, “It wasn’t so much nerves as it was just not
knowing exactly how things were supposed to work. I knew it would be awkward, and
there’s nothing I could do about that!

Post-Honeymoon
Since the honeymoon, our intimacy has improved considerably. I’ve shown him where
and with what pressure to touch me, and it has become much more enjoyable for me. In
fact, the most enjoyable part is when it is spontaneous, when he’s just expressing his love
and appreciation and things happen from there. I’ve come to understand the difference
between making love and having sex. Having sex gets kind of old. It’s just a procedure
that loses most of its appeal. Making love, however, is a bonding moment, and it truly
does feel like a sacrament. It’s a chance to reaffirm my love for him and him for me. We
initiate being together approximately the same number of times. I remember one night,
my husband asked me, “Okay, so who initiated that one?” and neither of us could really
tell. Those are the times when I feel like it has been more like ‘making love’ rather than
simply a physical function.

I don’t think we have anything to worry about when it comes to the bedroom. If I don’t
like something, I usually tell him. He learns from me and I from him. We express our
love to each other daily and often it leads us to share ourselves in the way God intended.
As of now, we may not be as good as we are going to get, but so far, so good with no
complaints.

Summary: Enjoying the honeymoon and years beyond

There are a number of principles and practices that help to enrich the intimate
relationship of every couple beginning their marriages:

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1. Husbands and wives must learn from each other how to make sexual relations satisfying for
each other. Where does a husband or wife learn to be a lover or how to demonstrate love to his
or her companion? From a book? A seminar? A parent? The greatest resource to help a husband
improve his love life is his spouse, his wife. For example, what are appropriate, sensitive, arousal
touches between husband and wife should be ongoing discussions. A wife may prefer to be
touched in a certain way; in fact, some women may prefer touching and caressing to actual
intercourse at times. The point is that a husband cannot know that information without periodic
conversations with his wife. It is important that husbands and wives assist each other in learning
what each one prefers if intimate exchanges are to be enjoyable and bonding. For example one
woman said to me, “I can’t stand it when my husband does (a particular stimulating technique),”
meaning that he was using an arousal method he thought she would like, which she did not.

There must be a willingness on the part of both spouses to gently teach and learn from
one another about arousal processes. Marital intimacy requires frequent monitoring by both
companions since they are each other’s therapist in this dynamic area of marriage. Moreover,
husbands should learn early in marriage that romance is not something that only occurs a
few minutes before intimate contact. It must be a way of life if his wife is to feel loved and
appreciated at other times too. Talking together, expressing nonsexual affection and frequent
and genuine expressions of love and appreciation help maintain a wife’s interest and enthusiasm
for sexual relations. If a wife hears expressions of love only during sexual intercourse, she
will no doubt be a little suspicious that her husband doesn’t love her as much as he loves
what this intimate union means to him.

Marital intimacy was designed by Deity to be a wonderful bonding experience for a

couple. As Latter-day Saints, we come into marriage from a background of abstinence. After all,
how many firesides did you attend as a youth where you were warned of the serious
consequences that come from “playing with fire” and “being on the devil’s turf?” Most Latter-
day Saints have been taught “No, no, no” their entire lives. Then, after a simple ceremony in the
temple, it all of a sudden becomes “Yes, yes, yes.” Often that transition is difficult to make and
takes time and patience for both companions. The mutual task, therefore, is to help each other to
an arousal of passion by providing clear instructions on how each likes to be loved, caressed, and
aroused. In this setting, husbands and wives can become exceptional teachers and eager
students, for there is much to learn from each other regarding what is most pleasing and
stimulating in this intimate union. Too, men and women are vulnerable in this setting;
consequently, feelings can be easily hurt by rude, insensitive, or inappropriate comments.

2. Sexual fulfillment is closely allied with the quality of the marriage in the nonsexual areas of
marriage. Often the quality of a couple’s intimacy can be gauged by what happens outside
the bedroom. Few husbands and wives can be angry and upset with each other and still enjoy
this intimate exchange. Occasionally I hear one say: “The only area where we do get along is our
sex life,” but that is a rare sentiment. Sexual relations are a fairly consistent barometer of how
well a marriage is progressing, for if two people truly care for each other and look forward to
these tender moments of intimate touching and caressing, they already share a level of emotional
acceptance that enhances the relationship.

Just as frequency and the enjoyment of sexual expression mirror the quality of the

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marriage relationship, it is logical that in order for spouses to give freely and fully of themselves,
there should be no fear of being hurt by a spouse. This is especially true of one’s companion who
may be easily irritated, harsh, sarcastic, angry, or moody outside of the bedroom. When we love
and cherish each other and demonstrate that love in daily living, the bedroom will most likely be
a place of anticipation and enthusiasm. Sexual desire and interest, especially for women, are
closely tied to how she relates to her husband throughout the day. It is difficult for a wife to
give of herself to a husband who is unromantic, uncharitable, or critical of her role
performances but who expects his wife to always be ready for his advances. In order to
enjoy intimate relations, a wife must feel that her husband cares about her personally and
that he is functioning as an able companion in both marriage and parenting
responsibilities. Likewise, it is difficult for a husband to desire intimate contact with a wife
who is carping, critical, and emotionally insensitive to his needs.

Though all married couples have challenges in sexual compatibility at some time during
their lives (during and after pregnancy, differences in desired frequency, age and related health
issues), couples who rate their marriages as satisfactory find ways to adjust to the various
physical and emotional aspects of sexual relations over the life cycle. Couples with healthy and
positive sexual relationships find it easier to communicate about this and other topics. Couples
who can openly share and discuss their intimate lives find this special union together greatly
satisfying.

As part of a healthy marriage, continued dating and courting after the wedding are
critical. Couples ought to pick a “date night” and observe it almost as religiously as they do the
Sabbath. Couples need the opportunity to get away from typical schedules, renewing in
important ways their friendship and feelings for each other. Such courting is vital for the
marriage relationship on many levels, but especially because frequent positive exchanges of
ideas and feelings set the stage for heightened sexual pleasure.

3. Interest levels vary. Generally, men have a greater interest in sexual relations because orgasm
(ejaculation) is more predictable for them and therefore has a greater psycho-physical
connection. For young men, sex results in a climax in a very high percentage of attempts.
Women generally lack that same consistency and frequency. Few women attain an orgasm on a
consistent basis and for some, an orgasm has never yet been achieved.

It also should be stated that there are women who desire more frequent intimacy than
their husbands; their overall sexual interest is greater than their companion’s. Therefore, both
spouses must be sensitive to the needs of the other’s emotional, physical, and mental makeup.
Couples can adjust to preferred frequencies. The important issue here is that couples come to an
agreement as to what is enjoyable, what is comfortable, and how often they prefer intimate
contact. It requires frequent monitoring to ensure that neither spouse is finding this association a
negative experience. Sometimes sexual intimacy can become a balancing act between daily
schedules. Wisdom here suggests that just because a husband may desire sex more frequently
than his wife doesn’t mean that he has the right to press her when health, personal desires, and
exhausting mothering schedules confront her. Both spouses should be willing to meet the needs
of their sweetheart in a context of love and affection. Charity must be the overarching virtue for
both spouses as mutual consideration allows each spouse to be comfortable initiating or

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declining a sexual episode. Each spouse must realize that there are times when sexual relations
are not preferable, comfortable, or even desirable for their companion.

It is important to realize that husbands may be sexually aroused by visual or erotic

themes and messages that bombard them from many sources, while wives prefer a more
romantic approach (flowers, a call from work, help with housework and children). Gentle and
sensitive holding hands and touching, coupled with genuine expressions of love and endearment
are important elements for both spouses to understand and implement.

4. Each relationship is unique. Both spouses need to be wise enough and sufficiently mature to
realize that the only performance standards required in marriage are their own. They need not
compare their sexual life with what is portrayed on TV, movies or videos. Their only desire
should be to please each other. Couched in respect and love, their own experiences are what are
important to both.

Adjustments take patience. It takes time for a couple to establish the psychological and
emotional climate before this expression of love ripens and blossoms more fully. If as newlyweds
there are difficulties in this area of marriage, keep learning and teaching each other in gentle ways
and things are sure to improve.

Our society places so much emphasis on frequency, technique, and skill involved in
sexual relations that it can become easy for a couple to get distracted and lose sight of what
sexual relations are all about: strengthening marriage and recommitting each one to the
marriage and family enterprise.

Meeting Each Other’s Sexual Needs

Here are a few simple suggestions to help make this aspect of marriage more functional:

1. Develop a vocabulary to discuss intimacy. It is true that most of us grow up without talking
about male or female anatomy with members of the opposite sex. When we marry we are often
hesitant to talk to each other until we have been married long enough to overcome our timidity
and shyness and learn how to describe reactions in simple terms.

2. Part of charity in marriage is taking care of our own hygiene. Unpleasant odors can put a
damper on romantic encounters rather quickly. A shower (even together), brushing teeth,
shampooing hair, and wearing deodorant, perfume, or cologne never hurts. You want to be your
best self in this close encounter.

3. As you discover what is pleasing to you, teach or provide feedback to your spouse so they do
not have to guess at what is pleasurable for you. It is your responsibility to assist your spouse in
learning how to be your lover, for who else but you knows what is stimulating and enjoyable? To
obtain this information usually requires routine discussions and sharing to learn what is preferred
by each spouse to maximize the thrill of this union.

4. Each one has a responsibility to learn what constitutes a good experience for their spouse also.
We learn from our sweethearts what is relaxing, stimulating, refreshing, and pleasurable to them.

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One way to teach each other how to enjoy intimate times together can be as simple as sharing
statements: “I really am aroused when you . . . ,” or “How do you feel when I . . . ?” or “What
can I do to help you reach a greater level of arousal?” or “What time of day is best for our get-
togethers?”

5. For more experienced married couples, it is important to remember that a series of steps or
stages exist between the first physical touch and the most passionate embrace. What have those
steps been for you two in the past and do they still exist?

These are questions we all ought to ask ourselves periodically. It is not uncommon for
couples to skip the initial phases of arousal after having been married for a while and often tend
to focus only on the final stages of sexual expression. The greatest tenderness and romance
are often expressed before or after a love-making episode.

Summary
For Latter-day Saints, chastity prior to marriage is a commandment. Loyalty to each
other is the highest form of commitment and charity. Some individuals, perhaps due to the
emphasis we receive from parents and church leaders concerning pre-marital chastity, find it
difficult to ‘throw the switch’ after the ceremony that allows them to be comfortable in an
intimate setting. A little patience, practice, and feedback, however, will soon resolve most issues.
The Lord designed intimate expressions of love within the marriage covenant to be rewarding
and fulfilling for both husband and wife. This profound sharing of souls within the bounds of
marriage is one of the highlights of married life.

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 Chapter 13

The Joy of Intimacy - the Golden Years2

Older Couples

Couples married a number of years generally have resolved many of the issues that
pertain to marital intimacy they faced as newlyweds. An advantage that “empty nesters” have
over younger married couples is time, including time for intimate episodes. Past their child-
bearing years, retired or semiretired couples have more freedom to enjoy intimate moments more
so than at any time since they married. The downside of this stage of life is that half of all sexual
problems that older couples face are related to complications associated with age: physical
challenges, a loss of libido, diminished physical stamina, menopause for women and andropause
for men, loss of estrogen or testosterone, arthritis and joint issues, and medications that blunt
libido, etc.

Notwithstanding these issues, healthy older couples continue to find sexual intimacy an
important element of their marital happiness. This union allows them to share an emotional and
spiritual passion for each other that conveys validation in the form of appreciation, affection,
respect, worth, and an ongoing commitment to the marital enterprise. The ability to function as
sexual partners is something most couples desire to continue as long as health allows.

It is generally believed by the younger set that as individuals age, sexual interest loses its
appeal for older couples. Young people are sure their parents and grandparents are living celibate
lives after the milestone decades of fifty, sixty, seventy, and beyond. It is true that the frequency
of sexual relations generally drops off as couples age; however in spite of this misperception,
many of the nation’s couples sixty and older are sexually active to an extent that would surprise
their children and grandchildren!

One woman married for a number of years, expressed these sentiments:

In the early years of marriage, my husband was after me all the time. In these later
years, however, things have changed because he has trouble with an erection. At first it
was embarrassing for him, but with Viagra he now has no problem other than spontaneity
because we typically must wait up to an hour or more. That’s easy enough. Now our sex
life has resumed and I think that even though our frequency has dropped off in these later
years, I feel like the quality of our relationship is better than ever for me, and I think he
agrees.

Elderly couples find sexual activity to be an important way in which they keep their love
and passion alive. Intimate episode help couples maintain feelings of self-worth and self-

2
This chapter is adapted from Chapter 13 of Embracing the Future: Preparing for Life After Retirement, Roy A.
Prete, ed. Deseret Book, Salt Lake City, Utah, 2011, 187-202.

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confidence when the mirror keeps betraying them with wrinkles, varicose veins, flabby skin,
added pounds, hair loss, thinning skin with accompanying aging spots.

The sexual embrace allows older couples to maintain feelings of youthfulness as well as a
profound way of expressing love and affection as sweethearts rather than being simply
roommates living under the same roof. The assumption that sexual interest automatically
declines with age as individuals approach the later decades of life is simply untrue. Though
health issues may limit the extent and quality of conjugal relations, the sexual attraction
husbands and wives have for each other is an integral part of life for Latter-day Saints regardless
of age.

Does aging mean there is no longer a sexual interest on the part of a spouse? Of course
not. Male-female identities are grounded in the ability to function as sexual beings. Interest in
each other’s physical and emotional well-being will always be a part of a satisfying marriage
regardless of the number of birthdays.

Of course it is possible to live a happy and wonderful life without sexual relations, as
many widows, widowers, and divorcees attest. But in visiting with these singles, one thing they
miss most is the comfort and warmth of another body snuggled next to their own, particularly at
bedtime. Sleeping alone can be a depressing experience because it is a frequent reminder of the
joyous days when marital intimacy sparked the relationship.

The Purposes of Marital Intimacy

There are at least four major elements of sexual intimacy for older couples:
1. An expression of mature love that sustained them over the years
2. Strengthening emotional bonds
3. Enriching spiritual bonds
4. Providing emotional and physical therapy

Expressing Mature Love

Latter-day Saints view sexual relations in the most positive light. They see it as a way by
which they express with their whole souls their love and appreciation for one another. Marital
intimacy permits couples to continue their pledge of fidelity and trust. President Spencer W.
Kimball observed, “There is nothing unholy or degrading about sexuality in itself, for by that
means men and women join . . . in an expression of love” (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball,
ed. Edward L. Kimball [Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1982], 311). Elder Parley P. Pratt, an early
apostle of the Restoration, stated, “There is not a more pure and holy principle in existence than
the affection which glows in the bosom of a virtuous man for his companion (Parker Pratt
Robison, ed., The Writings of Parley Parker Pratt, [Salt Lake City, Utah: Deseret News Press,
1952], 52).

Strengthening Emotional Bonds

Over the life cycle, happily married couples develop deep and lasting emotional
attachments for each other. Husbands and wives serve each other, rear children together, cherish
the varied facets of each other’s personality and contribution to the overall marriage relationship,
acquire and manage financial resources, make a house a home, meet employment demands,

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survive teenagers together, only to become ‘empty nesters.’ Life experiences were built on a
foundation of trust, confidence, and strong emotions for each other over their years together.
Their temple marriage added the assurance to both that regardless of what the future brought,
their union stands for ‘time and all eternity,’ death being merely a temporary separation.
Intimacy for them resumes in the spirit world reunion and resurrection will renew their
procreative powers. The Prophet Joseph Smith explained:

Except a man and his wife enter into an everlasting covenant and be married for eternity,
while in this probation, by the power and authority of the Holy Priesthood, they will
cease to increase when they die; that is they will not have any children after the
resurrection.
But those who are married by the power and authority of the priesthood in this life
continue to increase and have children in the celestial glory. (History of the Church,
5:391).

Marital intimacy adds wonderful and unique soul-binding strength to marriage in ways
that cannot be duplicated any other way. It represents a sacrament that knits the hearts of two
lovers as they confront the challenges and vicissitudes of mortality

Enriching Spiritual Bonds

Perhaps some would not view sexual relations in spiritual terms. But President Joseph F.
Smith suggested otherwise: “Sexual union is lawful in wedlock, and if participated in with right
intent is honorable and sanctifying” (Gospel Doctrine, 309). What could be more enriching to a
marriage than for both spouses to know that despite the vicissitudes of living in a fallen world, of
living the reality of mortality, their spouse’s love for them is a sure anchor in a world of
uncertainty. This yoking together allows both companions to be raised to a greater level of
spirituality and maturity. Elder Jeffrey R. Holland observed:

Sexual intimacy is not only a symbolic union between a man and a woman—the uniting
of their very souls—but it is also symbolic of a union between mortals and Deity,
between otherwise ordinary and fallible humans uniting for a rare and special moment. . .
. In this latter sense, human intimacy is a sacrament, a very special kind of symbol.

I know of virtually no other divine privilege so routinely given to us all—women or men,

ordained or unordained, Latter-day Saint or non-Latter-day Saint than the miraculous and
majestic power of transmitting life, the unspeakable, unfathomable, unbroken power of
procreation. (“Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments,” in BYU 1987–88 Devotional and
Fireside Speeches [Provo, UT: BYU Press, 1988], 82–83).

As Emotional Therapy
Elder Parley P. Pratt commented: “The object of the union of the sexes is . . . mutual
comfort and assistance in this world of toil and sorrow” (Key to the Science of Theology [Salt
Lake City: Deseret Book, 1978], 105). President Boyd K. Packer spoke, “In marriage all of the
worthy yearnings of the human soul, all that is physical and emotional and spiritual, can be
fulfilled” (“Marriage,” Ensign, May 1981, 15).

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 In this modern era, couples are usually separated by work, church service, employment,
etc.), and physical and emotional reunions are essential in recharging the batteries of both
companions. Years ago, husbands spent the day farming, caring for livestock, fixing fences,
barns, and milking cows, yet they were home for family meals. Today’s mobile society finds one
or both spouses away during the day in an environment where worldly temptations and
influences abound. The average American watches approximately five hours of television a day!
This media barrage includes sexual innuendoes from a variety of sources even including
commercials. Media glamorize adultery and extra-marital liaisons.

However, happily married couples find safety and reassurance through commitments to
be faithful to each other and to impressive temple covenants. Expressions of love, whether sexual
or nonsexual, renew the desire of each individual to be a better spouse and parent. Of course,
bodies (and hormones) change over time. But the good news is that where individuals remain
physically active and emotionally connected, there is no reason why intimacy cannot be an
integral part of marriage their entire lives.

Women’s Challenges
Perhaps one of the greatest fears women have as they age is the possibility of
widowhood. Women typically live seven years longer than husbands and in aging they face a
growing disparity in the number of available men for re-marriage in their age brackets. There are
simply not enough men for the available number of widows. Too, young women traditionally
marry older companions further complicating the issue.

The first rule of enjoying sexual activity for aging couples continues to be the quality of
the marriage and how each feels about the role performances of the spouse as a companion,
parent or grandparent, and friend. Actually healthy women have a greater capacity for sexual
relations than their husbands because anatomically they do not require an erection. Where
pregnancy and childbirth are moot issues, older women often enjoy the physical intimacy of
marriage more than they did in their earlier years and often more than their husbands at advanced
ages.

Menopause brings a cessation of menstruation and an accompanying drop in estrogen

blood levels. This drop-off accounts for physical changes in a woman’s body that may create
health issues. A primary change that takes place is vaginal atrophy with a typical loss of natural
lubrication. This problem can be addressed by products that make sexual relations less irritating
(i.e., K-Y Jelly, Astroglide). Sexual relations tend to keep vaginal tissues pliable and supple thus
avoiding some of the typical physical problems that often accompany aging.

Should atrophy worsen, vaginal tissues tend to thin and crack to the point where bleeding
may occur during intercourse. This makes this union painful, especially without lubrication. All
in all, the good news is that women in relatively good health should be able to function sexually
(including orgasm) into the later decades of life. Even though bodily changes occur—a shrinking
clitoris, flaccid vaginal lips, a loss of fatty tissue in the pubic area and a loss of lubrication, these
issues should not prevent women from enjoying sexual relations as long as they have a husband
who loves her and functions with her.

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 Sometimes surgical removal of the uterus (which may include removal of the ovaries and
fallopian tubes) is necessary. Historically it was assumed that a hysterectomy brought an end to a
woman’s sex life, but recent studies show that in the majority of instances, a hysterectomy does
not affect a woman’s sexual enjoyment. In fact, many women report that their sex life continues
to be even more enjoyable after sufficient healing.

Men’s Challenges
A major fear that afflicts men as they grow older is the fear of sexual impotence, the
inability to have or maintain an erection sufficient to participate in sexual intercourse. This fear
is especially true where sexual relations have been an ongoing and satisfying part of marriage for
years. Men hear stories of how impotence impacts marriage in the later years and wonder how it
will affect them. They fear the consequences of a sexless or loveless marriage. Most men view
sexual relations as a strong component of their love feelings for their spouse and the concern is
that with a drop off in sexual function, the marriage may be negatively impacted! That fear has
lessened in recent years as pharmaceutical products have come to the rescue.

Impotence is the inability for a husband to attain an erection sufficient to consummate

sexual intercourse. The medical term for impotence is erectile dysfunction, usually shortened to
ED. Experiencing ED for the first time is a major shock to a husband. Out of nowhere, it seems,
the first episode takes place. At first, the husband hopes the experience was simply due to
overeating, job-related stress, late hours, etc., but as it begins to occur more frequently, ED may
take on a psychological dimension that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. When a husband
worries about his ability to have or sustain an erection, adrenaline, a product of his worry, may
cause a continued dampening effect on his arousal. Unfortunately it is not uncommon for men to
avoid talking to their wives about the problem and instead they search privately for medications
or herbal substances that will reverse this new phenomenon. ED can shake a husband’s
confidence because he fears that his inability to function as a husband sexually will dramatically
affect his wife’s love for him. Also, he thinks that if he not initiating sex that his wife will think
that her physical qualities no longer arouse him. She may take the blame for their lack of sexual
activity for a variety of reasons when the problem centers in his own experience with ED. It is
disconcerting for a husband to be unable to consummate sexual relations. Though the initial
episode may be temporary at best, continued difficulty may indicate the need for a physical exam
to determine if there are underlying causes (i.e., heart disease, diabetes, stress, low testosterone,
marital unhappiness, medication issues, or possibly even prostate issues.)

Help for Husbands

In the past, there was little in the way of help for men with serious erectile difficulties
unless they ventured into the area of vacuum devices, intracavernosal injections directed into the
penis itself, penile implants, testosterone injections, or attempts to find successful herbal
remedies. The good news is that with the advent of ED medications (effective for approximately
85 percent of men), there are aids that include Viagra, Levitra, Cialis and a recent addition,
Stendra. The first three medications require ingestion about an hour before sexual arousal and
intercourse. These two drugs are usually effective for four to six hours. Cialis advertises a daily
pill that allows a thirty-six hour window. Although an older husband’s ability to achieve an
erection may require more time or greater dosage than required in earlier times, in general, the
penis does not lose its erectile capacity. Thus, modern chemistry has made it possible for men to

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retain their ability to function sexually well into their later decades. There are some side-effects
of these medications that may impact their use.

A second problem that newlyweds may deal with is premature ejaculation. Climaxing too
early was often attached to the excitement phase of sexual arousal when sexual relations were
new or there were extended periods of little or limited sexual activity (new baby, employment
separation, etc.) The excitement of resuming sexual activity in a new marriage following divorce
or the death of a spouse may lead to a reoccurrence of this problem. The good news for older
men is that this problem generally is resolved rather quickly. If it remains an issue after a few
months of marriage, longer periods of foreplay before sexual intercourse takes place may be
required.

Other Health Challenges

Other health factors that impinge on sexual activity may be a heart attack. Doctors
suggest forgoing sexual relations for a few weeks after an attack. After an adequate period of
recovery, sex is encouraged when a husband’s health resumes a level of fitness that indicates it is
safe to resume sexual activity. Resumption of intimate contact is good for both his mental and
physical health, and the chances of another heart attack occurring during sexual relations are
extremely low.

Strokes, diabetes, joint pain, stress, chronic prostatitis (inflammation of the prostate
gland), Peyronie’s disease, arthritis, anemia, skeletal issues, back pain, hernias, and even
depression are health issues that may hamper successful sexual relations. Maintaining a proactive
schedule of exercise and nutrition helps husbands maintain sufficient health to allow them to
enjoy intimate contact well into the golden years.

Prostate Issues
Prostate enlargement is an almost inevitable result of aging for men. The present
generation lives longer than earlier counterparts, so most men will experience an enlargement of
the prostate gland as they age. The noncancerous enlargement of the prostate is called Benign
Prostatic Hyperplasia or BPH and is detected by a urological digital exam, ultrasound exam, or
an alert triggered by an elevation in PSA test results. A common sign of BPH is restricted urine
flow. Prescriptions and herbal formulations exist to help men address this issue. However, since
prostate cancer is always a concern for aging men, a urological exam to rule this out is wise.
There have been some changes in thought concerning routine PSA exams in recent years so it is
best to check with a urologist for the latest information on their use. The same holds true for
testosterone injections. There is reason for some caution on this effort to increase libido. Again,
it is important to check with competent medical professionals.

Medications Hampering an Erection

Although sickness stifles sexual activity, a number of medications also hamper a man’s
ability to achieve an erection. Culprits include non-prescription medicines such as cold or allergy
formulations. Blood pressure medications are notorious for causing impotence. Anti-depressive
medications or alcohol use may also affect men’s sexual functioning. The first rule should ED
become an issue is to examine current medications.

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Suggestions for Improving Marital Intimacy in the Later Years

The first principle of healthy sexual relations without regard to age remains the same: the
quality of the marriage. Happily married people enjoy intimate exchanges while unhappily
married people find this relationship problematic. Unfortunately many times we see older
couples critical of each other and such negativism impacts interest in sexual activity, especially
wives. For intimacy to enrich the relationship, it is imperative that marital satisfaction be high.
Harping on each other’s faults or being critical of a spouse’s behavior results in a loss of the
Spirit of the Lord. Sarcasm and criticism have no place in a marital relationship. It is crucial
that couples continue to do what happily married couples do: pray together morning and night,
attend the temple together, frequently date, read good gospel literature, experience satisfying
intimate times, maintain church attendance, fulfill callings, etc. After retirement, with a husband
around the house more often, it is easier to fall into patterns of negativity unless positive
emotional and spiritual activities continue. When couple prayer and other activities drop off, a
married pair, unless careful, are more easily agitated over trivial things. The resulting loss of the
Spirit of the Lord in the companionship can undo years of marital compatibility.

Sexual Reminders
It is clear that sexual fulfillment for both spouses begins in the nonsexual areas of
marriage. As I said in the last chapter, what happens outside the bedroom impacts the quality of
marital intimacy within the bedroom. Sexual activity is a fairly reliable predictor of the quality
of the total marriage experience, an indication of how each feels about the other. Dating and
courting within marriage in the later years should be part of a life-long activity where romantic
feelings are created and sustained and consequently set the stage for heightened sexual interest,
pleasure, and mutual therapy.

Second, for intimacy to be rewarding requires frequent monitoring of a spouse’s feelings,

especially in the later years because desire, health issues, energy, and libido are never static. It is
important that couples share personal feelings and preferences and provide feedback to each
other on what is enjoyable and pleasurable. Sweethearts must be willing to cooperate, assist, and
provide gentle, clear instruction concerning what is pleasurable and stimulating.

As the life cycle adds years to our lives, the complexities of life increase along with
accompanying physical changes that impact an individual’s sexual response. Sexual interest is
dynamic because aging affects hormonal levels as well as overall health conditions.

Third, men typically find sexual activity exciting and pleasurable their entire lives
because their sexual responses are generally more predictable. If a husband has an erection, for
example, there is a good probability he will have an ejaculation, whereas for a wife to climax
with some consistency may be more complicated or require more time for sexual arousal. Based
on my visits with couples, I would estimate that about twenty percent of wives would like to be
intimate more often than does her husband. This difference in sexual desire for women may
increase in her later years where pregnancy is no longer a concern. The point is that each couple
is unique in their ‘need’ for intimate contact and it is important that couples openly discuss their
feelings and desires about frequency and personal arousal preferences. Charity must be the ruling
virtue in sexual relations. Younger and older husbands may find it necessary to exercise self-

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control or restraint because of a wife’s stress level, physical and emotional needs, desires,
interest, and state of health. On the other hand, husbands feel more loved and accepted when his
wife initiates sexual intimacy. Men tend to equate love and sex more so than women yet both
spouses want to know that they are loved and both have a sincere desire to please each other
physically and emotionally. Charity allows either spouse to be comfortable initiating or declining
intimacy if sexual relations are not preferable or desirable at a given time.

As husbands age, libido typically diminishes. This drop-off, perhaps due to andropause,
may ease the transition for him into less-frequent intimacy should his wife develop health issues.
This drop-off may come as a surprise to him after years of finding sexual relations an important
element of marriage. One man talked about his own sexual maturation:

I think when I was first married I thought we would spend most of our lives in
bed “making love!” However, that expectation turned out to be pretty lame. At first I
thought my wife didn’t love me because she didn’t care to be intimate with me as much
as I wanted. However, some maturity on my part and a growing concern for her welfare
and happiness helped me realize that I needed to be considerate of her, of her feelings,
and of her needs. I have learned how to control my desires while she recognizes intimacy
is enjoyable and therapeutic to me—so she is my therapist, and hopefully I am hers.
There are times when it is not good for her and I see the need to “bridle my passion.” But
now as we have both advanced in years we still find love in each other’s embrace. I think
sex is the frosting on the cake of our relationship. We love each other now with a love
born of experiences together that makes growing old enjoyable. And let me tell you that
despite the effects of aging—aching joints, sagging bodies, wrinkled faces and torsos,
physical intimacy is still an important part of our relationship in these later years.

Fourth, knowing that husbands and wives are aroused differently is an important
reminder for both spouses. Kisses, hugs, and gentle, stimulating touches that accompany genuine
verbal and nonverbal expressions of love and tenderness constitute important elements of sexual
arousal for both partners regardless of age. Most men require less time for a spontaneous arousal,
while a wife’s interest may be determined much earlier in the day by the events of the day. Too,
if a husband is grumpy and irritable, his wife is not likely to be excited about an evening of
intimacy.

Fifth, both spouses should be aware of factors that hinder sexual enjoyment. For example,
if either spouse is unsympathetic to the pressures, worries, or health of the spouse or if physical
factors such as weight, bad breath, hygiene, or irritating stimulating techniques interfere, sexual
responses will be blunted. There will be times when neither spouse feels a sexual desire and both
will be mature enough to react appropriately and treat each other kindly. It is important that both
spouses are sufficiently mature to realize that there is no one to please except each other. Both
companions must be willing to share honest feelings about their enjoyment of sexual activity as
it takes place within the framework of kindness, love, and respect.

Sixth, to say it again, the best source of help to enjoy marital intimacy is always the
spouse who is best at providing feedback on enjoyable and satisfying sexual stimulation.
Sometimes couples are hesitant to share their own arousal preferences because they do not want

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to offend their partner. Hopefully older couples, after years of intimate exchanges, have a sincere
desire to please each other and have learned what is best for their spouse. A sense of humor is
always appreciated—neither one embarrassing the other—as physical limitations make sexual
activities more difficult. Both spouses need to help each other to an arousal of sexual passion that
expresses their most tender and charitable feelings.

Here’s an important principle: just as a good marriage strengthens the enjoyment of

marital intimacy, satisfactory sexual relations contributes soul-binding emotional strength to the
marriage relationship. An emotional and spiritual exchange of feelings wherein mutual love,
admiration, and appreciation for each other are frequent enriches marriages. When this exchange
is satisfying to both partners, there is a greater chance that each will increase their own efforts to
please one another in non-sexual ways.

Couples escape worldly and homemaking pressures through this unique coupling.
Increased feelings of love, a willingness to cooperate and share in the joys and challenges of
mortality, are powerful results that come out of this loving union. Both companions are raised to
a greater level of spirituality and marital satisfaction.

Specifically, here are some simple reminders:

Though married for years, some couples fail to talk together about ways on how to enrich
their sexual relations. I recall one couple where the husband liked to be intimate in the backyard,
the basement, near the fireplace, or in locations other than the bedroom while the wife preferred
to be in bed with the covers up to her neck! Obviously this couple needed to compromise and
move in each other’s direction.

Feedback is important for both spouses. I suggested some feedback associated with roles
in an earlier chapter. For example, a husband might ask his wife (not all at the same time): “What
can I do to make this part of our marriage more comfortable and more enjoyable for you? Are
you comfortable with our frequency? How about my efforts to meet your needs? What could I do
that would make this a better experience for you?”

A wife might ask her husband: “What are your feelings about our intimate relations? Are
you comfortable with our frequency? What could I do to make our relationship a better
experience for you?”

President Howard W. Hunter, in a masterful address to the brethren of the Church,

counseled:
Be faithful in your marriage covenants in thought, word, and deed. Pornography,
flirtations, and unwholesome fantasies erode one’s character and strike at the foundation
of a happy marriage. Unity and trust within a marriage are thereby destroyed.
Tenderness and respect—never selfishness—must be the guiding principles in the
intimate relationship between husband and wife. Each partner must be considerate and
sensitive to the other’s needs and desires. Any domineering, indecent, or uncontrolled
behavior in the intimate relationship between husband and wife is condemned by the
Lord. (“Being a Righteous Husband and Father,” Ensign, November 1994, 51).

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 Marital relations were designed by the Lord to be an enriching element of marriage, not a
dreaded duty or chore. Rather, it is a way whereby two covenant people express their mutual
love and appreciation for each other. This relationship is always enhanced when couples take
time to enjoy sacred moments together so that this union becomes a sanctifying experience for
both spouses regardless of age.

Summary
Whether a young couple just starting out or a couple that has maintained sexual
functioning over the course of their lives, sexual relations are an important part of the marital
compact. Whether young or old, this element of marriage is a very important expression of love
and appreciation for each other. When a wife knows that her husband loves her and desires
to be close to her—as intimacy is—she feels loved and secure in her relationship with her
husband. When a husband cherishes his sweetheart for all that she does for him and the children,
sexual relations become an important part of his psyche, his feeling of confidence as he
encounters the world, especially if he is the primary breadwinner. A strong marital bond
prevents affairs or either spouse looking elsewhere for emotional or physical satisfaction.
The Law of Chastity is an eternal principle inasmuch as we continue this intimate association
after this life. Loving couples anticipate this time together and intimacy is one of the strongest
emotional ties to keep couples connected.

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 Chapter 14

What Happily Married Couples Do to Enrich Their Marriages

President Brigham Young: "When people are married, instead of trying to get rid of each other,
reflect that you have made your choice, and strive to honor and keep it, do not manifest that you
have acted unwisely and say that you have made a bad choice, nor let any body know that you
think you have. You made your choice, stick to it, and strive to comfort and assist each other"
(Deseret News, 29 May 1861, 98) President Gordon B. Hinckley, Ensign, Nov. 2000, 50-52.)

One of the most interesting things about working with couples struggling with marital
difficulties in their relationship is the fact that when you examine them closely, it turns out that
they are doing what miserable couples do rather than what happily married couples do! In
this chapter I list a number of things that happily married couples do to strengthen their
companionship. The list is by no means exhaustive but they are tried and true suggestions that
should benefit every relationship.

Having spent my career helping couples be better marriage partners, I have learned that
couples experiencing marital troubles often face a twofold problem that I mentioned earlier: (1)
they have lost the Spirit of the Lord in their relationship through contention, arguments and
critical comments, and (2) they are not doing the loving activities that brought them together
initially. Happily married couples do specific things to keep marriage vibrant and meaningful.
The following ideas may help elevate and enrich your relationship.

1. Positive conversations. I wrote about levels of communication in an earlier chapter. This is a

critical element of a strong, stable marriage. Sharing personal experiences and feelings in depth
with each other is the solution to most marital problems. Couples need time to talk about their
relationship, their marriage goals, family, career, Church callings, children, the ward, the
neighborhood, and many other subjects in a positive light. Honestly, not many couples take
time to discuss these various aspects of marriage. They would rather ‘fly by the seat of their
pants,’ thinking that they already know how each one feels about their activities and goals.
Here’s the point: You both must feel comfortable exchanging thoughts and feelings �without fear of
criticism, feeling inferior, or being smothered in the sense that your ideas are never good enough
and everything must be done the way the dominant partner directs.

2. Remember the ‘big five.’ Faith in each other, couple prayer, reading good Church literature,
attending the temple together, enjoying intimate times, all the while carrying out family home
evenings so that children see father in his role as priesthood leader--are critical elements of
marital happiness.

3. Be a therapist to each other. I have always taught and believed that you marry your therapist.
No counselor or outsider knows the two of you better than the two of you do! You know each
other’s likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses. A good therapist listens attentively; provides
new perspectives on a variety of marriage and family situations;

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compliments on progress; is patient, kind, and nonjudgmental and helps parties think things
through in ways that allow for better solutions to problems. A superficial level of communication
dooms relationships.

4. Humility and Christ-like attributes in personality and character are hallmarks of

effective marriage partners. When you as a couple have a disagreement or an issue develops
between you, realize that both of you have the responsibility to resolve it in a way that is
acceptable to both. Sometimes seeing a situation from the other person’s point of view is
difficult. However, with humility and kindness, you must work together to solve problems in a
manner that accommodates the needs of both. The gospel teaches you that you are equal
partners, meaning that you both provide input in resolving an issue. In this case, listening with
head and heart are important.

5. Date frequently. You and your spouse need time away from regular routines to renew your
friendship and companionship. New perspectives come with time away from the daily grind.
That means dating as a married couple is essential to your mental health and outlook on life. If
you have children but few resources, look for creative ways to date. For example, you might ask
in-laws or neighbors to watch your children while you two get away for a mini vacation. You
might exchange childcare with other couples for different date nights. Above all, recognize that
a babysitter is cheaper than a divorce!

6. Express frequent affection and enjoy your intimate times. I devoted two chapters to marital
intimacy in this volume, one for younger or newly married couples and one for mature couples.
Sexual relations were designed by the Lord as an opportunity to renew marriage covenants, to
bring a spirit of unity, to provide an important form of marital therapy, and to keep the two of
you ‘in love.’ In a stressful world like the one in which we live today, it is critical that the two of
you enjoy this physical and emotional renewal on a frequent basis. Intimacy is not to be abused.
It is not to be demanded. This is your spouse, companion, confidant, lover, and therapist all
rolled into one, and you two should enjoy the privilege of sharing masculine and feminine
attributes in this wholesome encounter with both of you enjoying the rich rewards that come with
this closeness.

Of course, the overall marriage relationship must be healthy if this aspect of marriage is
to be a cherished time for both of you. Intimacy should not be used as a punishment or a weapon
to hurt a spouse or reward the other for “good behavior.” It is also important not to insist on
sexual behavior offensive to your spouse. Rather, loving, kind interactions facilitate greater
unity. We all have a need to feel loved, cherished, needed, and wanted. Physical embraces,
hugging, kissing, holding hands, kind expressions of love and caring and seeing to each other’s
needs help spouses maintain a deep level of affection for each other.

7. Spend positive time with children and grandchildren. Be kind to children. A wife will
have a hard time feeling affectionate toward her husband if he mistreats or is unkind to
children. Sometimes husbands are too strict or discipline too harshly. Of course, the same could
be true for the mother. But, it took both of you to bring one of these special spirits to mortality
so both of you should feel the responsibility to care for and teach each one that heaven

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vouchsafed to you. Husbands and wives who take an active, positive role in parenting find a
grateful spouse.

8. Seek gentle feedback from each other. I listed nine roles that we all play in marriage and
suggested a way to obtain feedback from a companion as to how well each of you are carrying
out your marital roles. From an eternal perspective, we are all new at marriage and have a lot to
learn from one another. A humble approach allows husbands and wives to be effective teachers
as well as eager students. Seeking feedback from each other about how you are doing or to learn
where a few changes could be made that would make things better, might be just what you two
need to be better companions and parents.

9. Eliminate anger. Anger is one of the great destroyers of marriages and family life. Displays
of temper are not of God but of the devil (see 3 Nephi 11:29–30). If you are easily upset over
trivial matters, the penalty that accompanies anger and temper is that family members are
hesitant to share their deepest thoughts and feelings with you—to risk at a personal level. Who
wants to risk personal ideas, thoughts, and feelings with someone who may become angry and
use that information to turn on you?

10. Be sensitive to each other’s stress levels. Mothers generally help children get ready for
school, prepare food, function as nurses for everyone including Dad, and serve as the family
psychologist. Working spouses often come home tired and drained emotionally. Both spouses
benefit from making homecoming a positive experience for the entire family which requires
leaving frustrations in the garage. The point is not to bring home and dump workplace
complaints on family members. Make homecoming a joyful time for each of you and the
children.

In conclusion, my all-time favorite counsel on marriage came from President Gordon B.

Hinckley, who shared this important key to a great marriage: “A happy marriage is not so
much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of
one’s companion.” If you want a happy marriage, do what happily married couples do rather
than what miserable couples do.

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 About the Author
Doug Brinley graduated with a Masters Degree in Economics from Utah State
University and received a PhD from Brigham Young University in Family Studies. He
retired as a Professor of Church History & Doctrine at BYU-Provo in 2008. He has
authored, co-authored, or edited 14 books, 13 of which are on marriage and family
topics. A few include Between Husband & Wife: Gospel Perspectives on Marital Intimacy,”
First Comes Love, (preparing for marriage), its sequel Then Comes Marriage; Living a
Covenant Marriage, A Marital Tune-up Kit, as well as Single in a Married Church among
others. He also has a marriage seminar on DVD. He served as a mission president in the
Texas Dallas Mission from 1987 to 1990. He and Geri have led tours to the Holy Land. They served 3 missions
together following his retirement from BYU. They have 6 children and 25 grandchildren and live in Provo,
Utah.

A Secular or Gospel Approach?

Marriage between a man and a woman has been the divine pattern originating in the Garden of Eden with
our First Parents (Genesis 1:26-27), and this union has been the traditional form of marriage for millennia.
The First Couple were married by God before death entered the world. Therefore, marriage was intended to
be an eternal relationship. It is made possible through the resurrection brought about by Jesus Christ. A
priesthood key restored by Elijah seals a couple together for ‘time and for eternity.’

Of course all marriages have interesting challenges that surface over the life cycle. There are basically
two approaches to assist Latter-day Saint couples in their quest for marital happiness: (1) a gospel, or
doctrinal-based perspective, and (2) a secular or non-religious approach, the foundation of professional
counseling protocols.

The point of this volume: Why not try a gospel-based approach to resolve marital issues? The principles of
the gospel, when understood and practiced by both spouses, have the greatest chance of helping
Latter-day Saint couples build strong, stable marriages, the kind of marriages that inspire both partners to
value their relationship and to develop a companionship that creates in both a desire to be ‘together forever.’

During his ministry, President Boyd K. Packer of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles was fond of stating
that doctrine was a powerful tool in changing and improving behavior. “True doctrine, understood,” he
said, “will change behavior quicker than will the study of behavior change behavior’ (“Do Not Fear,”
Ensign, May 2004, 73.)

M Copyright 2018. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any format or in any medium
without the written permission of the author: Douglas E. Brinley, 1374 E 2300
North, Provo, UT 84604. This work is not an official publication of The Church
of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The views expressed within this work are
the sole responsibility of the author.