Janae Walla

Spring, 2020
Advisor: Lodi McLellan

To Be Subtly Seen
A Dance Captsone Reflection: Solo Performance

This project was a dance solo choreographed by Suzanne Ryan-Strati and performed by

myself. The dance explored beauty vs destruction and nature vs pollution. To culminate my

dance degree at Cornish College of the Arts, I had the opportunity to work with a choreographer

that wanted to show my growth and artistry in a way that meshed with her own creative

interpretation of dance and art. The process of learning, rehearsing, and performing a solo taught

me a lot about communication, confidence, and of course a lot about working hard.

Originally, I was planning to do an internship for my capstone. Partially because I wanted

to work with a very specific idea related to my interest in musical theatre, but also because I

wasn’t convinced I was good enough to perform a solo. When my original internship capstone

plans fell through, I was really nervous. However, after some self reflection I realized that I was,

in fact, good enough to perform a solo. It was just about trusting my strength and growth. What

better way to embody that trust in myself than with a solo that I get to perform by myself? I

ended up petitioning to change my capstone from internship to performance, which was my first

big step in taking ownership of my dancing and asking to be seen. I wanted to undertake a

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capstone solo to celebrate my growth as a dancer in the three years I spent in Cornish’s dance

program. I wanted to prove to myself that my hard work and dedication was worth celebrating.

After my capstone change was approved, I resolved to show my growth as a dancer and

artist. Due to my shortened timeline, I was in a bit of a rush to find a choreographer. I chose

Suzanne Ryan-Strati, a choreographer from my hometown of Kansas City, to choreograph my

piece initially because I had a wonderful experience working with her prior to moving to Seattle

for school. As our work together progressed, it became clear to me that working with Suzanne

was also a way for me to come full circle in my dancing, and a way to subtly weave threads of

my personal story into my BFA culmination.

Suzanne is a deeply personable choreographer. Having worked with her previously, I

knew that our strong creative connection would bring forth unique and honest work. She was

really adamant about wanting to work with my goals and strengths while also playing with her

vision and seeing how the piece would grow.

We did a bit of communication via email about things I found to be my strengths, ideas for music

/ sound, and logistical parameters surrounding the BFA concert as a whole. I struggled a little to

find a balance between friendly and professional tones in our emails sometimes. Oftentimes she

would write in more casual and quick notes which at times made it difficult to for me to find a

balance in my tone. As we continued our email dialogue and I became more accustomed to her

communication, I was able to understand and mirror her email style better. This made our

communication feel organic and gave me space to be open about my thoughts and feelings

throughout the process. I also know that striking the balance between friendly and professional

emails is a huge part of networking, so I took the challenge as a great learning experience.

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 Whilst vision-casting, Suzanne asked me to tell her what I was most proud of in my

growth as a dancer. I wanted to show my strength, how I’d learned to release, and use of breath.

When we began working in studio, the choreography process continued to feel like a

conversation. She had some specific movement that she wanted me to do, but she would also

give me vague cues and then see how I interpreted them in my body. For instance, I told her I

really enjoyed floor work, so she asked me to do a couple moves with reaching and flinging that

she demonstrated, then asked me to find stillness in an uncomfortable pose. She gave me pretty

direct instructions for the reaching and flinging, but let me interpret the stillness. After that we

moved around the pieces and eventually came to the sequence on the floor that was in the solo.

Suzanne was also really interested in the quirky things that my body did naturally, and some

quirky things in general. She would ask me to do circles with my ankles and then insert those

into different parts of the piece.

Suzanne was fascinated with the tension I would bring into my arms, and throughout the

process added more and more in throughout the piece. I started to get nervous that the piece was

really just about the tension that I can’t seem to get rid of in my limbs and all my quirky ticks

that my professors have been trying to train out of me the past three years, but then I realized that

not all of those ticks are necessarily bad. Maybe during ballet class I shouldn’t be distorting my

hands, but the fact that I can do that is actually a strength. The quirks set on top of the technique

and strength that I had worked so hard to build was actually turning out to be beauty.

After the whole piece was set, I let doubt creep in. The beautiful work that Suzanne and I

had proudly created together started to feel awkward and I found myself doubting my validity as

a dancer. This happened quite a lot between finalizing the piece in November and performing in

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February. It took a lot of resolve and purposeful self-talk to get out of my head and be present in

the movement. At some points in my rehearsal process I would get too into the big things and

forget about the subtlety of the piece, and other points I’d find those topics switching.

When I had successful rehearsals, it was because I would let myself be fully taken over

by the movement. I would feel almost animal or high throughout the piece. I found the image of

me sucking in energy and then flinging it away was really helpful for my piece dynamically. The

thing is, in order for all of that to work together, I also had to be able to do that while other

people watched. During showings I would shrink a little, not totally prepared to be so exposed

out alone on the stage.

When it came to performance, I think I had learned more about being present and seen in

my movement. Before tech week I thought a lot about a mental and physical warmup that would

help me embody my solo. This warmup involved a lot of hip stabilization for long balances, and

it also had a lot of embodied meditation that I pulled from my acting training. Similarly to how a

body builder would lift weights before a competition in order to make their muscles pop more, I

would distort and create tension in my shoulders, arms, and hands and then find a quick breath

release. I practiced this for about five minutes before both shows and felt it much easier to tap

into that character while onstage. I wish I would have thought of something like this earlier in the

process so that I could have integrated my character more fully by the time it got to performance.

I was really proud of my steadiness in all of the balances and holds throughout the piece, a lot of

which I attribute to the stabilization warm up I created. I found ways to live in the movement by

the time I reached stage. I didn’t feel nervous once I was onstage, but instead felt fully present

with what I needed to present.

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 My favorite moments in the performance ended up being the pass on the floor after the

floor section, and the long hold in silence. I liked the pass on the floor because I always felt

really free while doing it. I had to really fling my head in order to keep my hair from getting in

my face and it was fun to feel like I was flying. The long one legged hold in silence was the part

that always scared me the most leading up to the show because I was worried either people

would think the piece was over and clap, or I’d lose my balance and fall over. On the contrary, I

ended up living in that moment because I was able to pause and use my far focus and engage

with the audience in a different way than I did the rest of the piece.

I think another difficulty I had with a solo like this is that I really thrive on group energy.

I love the feeling of working with fellow artists on creating a common atmosphere. I found it

difficult to fully tap into that atmospheric energy since I was performing my own separate piece

all alone, and everyone else was doing their own thing as well. I am not saying the other

performers weren’t supporting each other, but it is a different kind of support when everyone is

working toward their own personal goals in their pieces.

In summation, I was pleased with how the whole product turned out. There were obvious

moments of self-deprecation that really held me back, and there were times that I felt a little sick

of the choreography and wished for something else. However, overall I felt like I was able to

uphold a lot of Suzanne’s vision with the movement and concept. My contribution to the vision

with the costume against the bags was successful. Meg’s lighting brought the whole piece

together, and Suzanne was really pleased with it. The bags created an obstacle in some ways, but

also gave me a frame in which to feel safe and to let me be fully seen.

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 Being fully seen and being fully present may be two of the biggest takeaways for me

from this process. While I definitely learned heaps about communication, dedication and creating

a schedule for myself, the thing that I learned the most was to own my confidence and be fully

present in the art that I am presenting. I spent a lot of time immersed in self doubt. However,

when I was able to emerge and be fully present, allowing myself to be seen at my core like I

started to tap into during the performances, I felt like I really shined.

Hindsight makes me wish I would have incorporated those concepts earlier in the

process. I wonder what the piece would have looked like if this were the case? The next time I

get an opportunity like this, I will work immediately on performance and presence. I will take

these concepts into the next solo I get to perform, of course, but also into my daily work as a

performer. I actually implemented this during an audition recently and felt much better about my

performance.

Something I have been continuously working on in my time at Cornish, but especially

throughout this capstone process, is an idea I touched on a bit earlier in regards to my warm-up.

That is the idea of integration. I sometimes forget that I spent years of my life studying character

and acting and that I am in fact quite good at it. Integrating those skills holistically in my

performance has never made my work as a dancer worse, but in fact enhanced it more than I

could imagine. I think I got caught up in the abstract contemporary aspects of my piece too much

at times instead of letting it be a little less serious and weaving my acting and storytelling into

the abstract.

To perform by oneself on a big stage is an act of courage. To let oneself be truly seen is a

whole other feat. On the whole, I let myself be seen in this piece. I feel like this capstone process

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has embodied my journey through Cornish in a lot of ways. Through this process I learned how

to communicate better with myself, with my collaborators, and ultimately with the audience.

This process also called for me to reckon with my self talk, and taught me a lot about my self

worth. Had I not confronted the personal work that the process asked of me, I would not have

been able to embody my performances as successfully as I did. I’m proud to say that I know I am

good enough to create, perform, and be seen. To that end, I would call my Capstone Solo

Performance a success.

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