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LETTERS AND TOMATOES DEPARTMENT:

Random Samplings of Reader Mail 4

PREZ DISPENSER DEPARTMENT:

"The Worst Wins" (A MAD TV Satire) 6

THE WHEEL WORLD DEPARTMENT:

A MAD Guide to Safe Scootering 12
IIHHHHHHBHHHMR9flHi^HHHH^^HHi^^H^^H^I^HHBHHH9HiHRBHHBHHHHBHHHH

ANOTHER ONE BYTES THE DUST DEPARTMENT:

Obituaries for Video Game Characters 15

BEHIND THE PERPETRATE BALL DEPARTMENT:

Suburban Deviants and
Their Really Minor Crimes 18

ANGSTER'S PARADISE DEPARTMENT:

Monroe &...President's Day 20

FLOP TARTS DEPARTMENT:

Rejected Playboy Playmates 24

CRIME AND rUNISHMENT DEPARTMENT:

Specialized State Death Penalties 26
 SNOT!

Buy This Book Today a n d Help

 MORE DEPARTMENTS
1997
SAVINGS AND GROAN DEPARTMENT:
President Declares
Entire UPN Lineup A A Bank Letter You're Sure to Get. 29
Federal Disaster Area

JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT:

Spy Vs. Spy 30
1050 B.C.
Hotting Stinking
Corpses Lead to
the Invention of FLAWS & EFFECT DEPARTMENT:
the Grave "Likelihood-of-Outcome" Charts
For Those Stupid Things We All Do

THE DISSING LINK DEPARTMENT:

6 Degrees of Separation Between
Anyone and Anything Part V 34

SLOPEY SECONDS DEPARTMENT:

MAD's Grand Plan For Converting
Cemeteries Into Ski Resorts

SERGE-IN GENERAL DEPARTMENT:

A MAD Look at The WWF

SO DENIRO YET SO FAR OFF DEPARTMENT:

"Meek With The Parents"
(A MAD Movie Satire)

REVOLTAGE METER DEPARTMENT:

/T-» Gross & Beyond Gross—The Sequel. 45

r GRIEVING LAS VEGAS DEPARTMENT:

<§S MAD's Celebrity Cause-of-Death
/-v Betting Odds 48

•Q $f MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT:

"Drawn Out Dramas", Various Places
by Sergio Aragones Around the Magazine

"Men who will eat

their mother's
cooking have an
edible complex!"

FRONT COVER ARTIST: MARK FREDRICKSON

FRONT COVER WRITER: TOM CHENEY
 -*-

""
H°*T°^e"onSde,,«

CRACKING THE WHIPPLE

ENGLISH CRASS ASSIGNMEJVf
I m a g i n e m y s u r p r i s e to see mx n a m e
I'm writing to you from tree hugger i n p r i n t while s i t t i n g o n t h e toilet. If
country. This letter is being written I h a d n o t b e e n there already, I could
because it's a n assignment for rrry English have shocked t h e expletive out of
GEORGE W. PUTS class. So yeah, that's why you are getting myself. My n a m e is Brian Parker
NATION IN CRISIS this letter. You see, I a m n o t allowed to W h i p p l e a n d j ' o u p r i n t e d m y letter i n
write to friends, so I chose you guys. MAD #399. M}' life is n o w c o m p l e t e !
Anyway, for the next eight minutes, I a m I have h a d m y n a m e p r i n t e d in MAD
going to b e rambling on about whatever a n d was even m a d e fun of by you.
comes to m y m i n d . It's hard b u t what, m e I a m n o w readj r to lay u p o n m y
worry? Nope, I'll find something to write deathbed a h a p p y m a n . Of course,
about. So I'm guessing all of you guys I a m actually a n 18-year-old male, n o t
over there are democrats, so can't you do the 80-year-old m a n m y letter m a d e
the right thing a n d vote for Nader a n d m e o u t to be. Of course, t h e "Please
elect George W. Bush? That seems like t h e d o n ' t squeeze t h e C h a r m i n " c o m m e n t
smart thing to me. I m e a n really, don't was very original, I've n e v e r h e a r d
you all deep down want to vote for Nader? t h a t before in m y life! I still believe i n
Because I know that you really want the p o i n t of m y letter, b u t I did sound
George W. Bush to win. Okay, I'm getting a bit full of myself. I p r o b a b l y do in
a little excited here so I'll change the this letter as well. T h e issue m y letter
subject. Well basketball in this crappy found its way into could n o t b e better.
city h a s not been going too well. The It h a s t h e X-Men o n t h e cover a n d I
Trailblazers are looking absolutely have over 3,000 c o m i c books, which
pathetic. They will never, ever w i n a includes a couple h u n d r e d X-Men
c h a m p i o n s h i p with D a m o n Stoudamire. issues. I a m also a cybergeek a n d you
Well, by the way, I read MAD a n d I think h a d a very flattering article o n us!
it's hilarious. The best issue ever was July
1998 with the South Park cover. I thought Brian Parker Whipple, Solon, ME
"Merely 99 C" was the best thing ever.
Mr. Whipple — We have excellent news!
We found the perfect pen pal for you,
Ben Pollock, Portland, OR Ben Pollock of Portland, OR. It is our
Benny and the Jets — We took the liberty fervent wish that the two of you begin
of speaking to your doctor. He said to directly corresponding with each other.
double up on the Prozac and cut way back Write long, rambling, boring, self-
fi^m Rush's lawyer as to whether he will sue fo on the coffee enemas! As for your assign- serving letters and leave us out of it!
S m S o n c X a c t e r . . . ^ Neuman's attorney! ment, we grade it "D" for Dorky! —Ed. Thanks for writing this one last time.
—Ed. P.S. We changed our mind,
squeeze it!

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 Good morning! I am Jeb Buttlett, IMS We were The This President is too perfect! He's
President of the United States! Sir. how a little second compassionate, intelligent and folksy!
My family has always been in are you scuffed up, season's
politics! I am a direct descendant feeling but it was opening We haven't seen anyone like
of one of the original signers of since the for a show him in Washington in years!
the Declaration of Independence season- noble cause! ratings
ending went
and now my son, Charlie, is Deputy assassination through
Mayor on Spin Cityl That said. attempt? the roof!
will open the floor to questions!

PREZ DISPENSER DEPT.

The Electoral College. Hanging chads. Voting irregularities.

Frankly, we're sick of hearing about nothing but politics. We just
want to sit down in front of the TV and take our minds off of the
whole ridiculous process! Okay, let's see what's on...damn! it's...

For those I'm the White House Chief I'm the Deputy Chief of I'm Mopy, you You
of you of Staff, Leako McHarried, Staff, Jock Lemon! My all look rumpled, obviously
who joined and you might say that to a problems are worse than spruced moody and didn't
us late, large extent I run the country! his 'cause I'm taking sleepless! win
my orders from an over- up for
like in our That's no easy task since worked, stressed out, the your Emmy
For me,
second season, I'm overworked, stressed out, recovering alcoholic and executive that is for "Best
introductions a recovering alcoholic and a prescription drug abuser! staff spruced up! Supporting
are in order! prescription drug abuser! meeting! Dresser"!

ARTIST: MORT DRUCKER

WRITER: ARNIE KOCEN
 I understand Yes, but Have you noticed By a It's not so bad being deaf
his character the actor in this series patriotic in Washington! At least
is a is a cross the President musical I'm spared all the bull noise!
cross between is followed score
between Jerry wherever he goes? that
JFK, Teddy Stiller constantly
Roosevelt and swells
David in the
and Bill Hasselhoff!
Clinton! background!

-HH^
Speaking of such things, Why are In Aren't you How about because
I'm P.A., the Emmy- you telling that a little Because of my father is very
winning White House Press me this? case frightened the racial protective of me!
Secretary! Slam, I'm you to be flak? The Make one wrong
writing a position paper I've dating weekly death move and he has
for the Interior Department seen should nuclear missies
see the threats?
on the necessity of your I'm cool aimed at your
wildlife protection! dates! my home President's strategic areas!
daughter? with that!
movies!
 Oh d i d !
mention we
say 'thing"
a lot?
 My turn! Canada has broken The 1 seem Mr. President, Sounds VJ In 1878,
There's an off diplomatic homeless sweet you seem like the President Hayes
outbreak of relations with us! have set but I'm to have perfect had a little
a new, up camp part of a a full time to vegetable garden
They are amassing tell a
incurable troops near Windsor on Mount Colombian plate! in the back of the
Rushmore! little White House!
virus in ready to invade drug Pick your anecdote..
Top that! crisis! In this garden-
Pittsburgh! Detroit! P.A.? cartel!

Mr. President, you've The homeless Not Constitutionally! It's a hot button issue! Hey, I met this chick Somehow
got a brilliant staff on have a It's a National But we must not at a fund raiser! Slam always
this series! They are right to perch Park! It violates erode the trust the She had hooters manages to
bright, literate and on Mount Article 12, electorate have the size of take the level
deeply dedicated! Rushmore! Mt. Rushmore!
Section 6! placed in us! down a notch!
 I've stabilized my husband's blood pressure, Jumpy, Because C'mon. 1 gotta
I've counseled my daughter about safe sex and I'm you're Jumpy! tell
This deaf? Well,
I've balanced the national budget! start- relation- What do you,
40% of
ing to ship you it's
me likes
You're amazing, Mrs. Buttlett! From a humble have could No! If you two really rough
feelings you! But
beginning as a bimbo in Crease you've get go to bed, I'll think dating a
for 60% is
become the first lady, a mom, doctor and compli- have to be of me? political
you! still
stateswoman! Is there anything you can't do? cated! there too! pollster!
undecided!
Yes, I can't seem to get into more
than four episodes per season!

It's true! The stats are right here! We have I've been Meet the He's everything Snuff
The President's unpopularity to regain prepared new White You must be smoking the modern out
spreads across all demographic your for this! House some of my left- political your
groups! From Ghetto Poor political I've gone Chief Of overs! This man is administration torch,
to Dot-Com Millionaires! clout, sir! ahead and Staff! His a backstabber, he needs! He's the old man!
From Teenage Girls With Belly We have hired name is forges evil alliances, one man who The
Rings to Men Without Prostates! to take i some new Richard he's conniving and can help this tribunal
They've all lost confidence in you! action now! [ blood! Hatch! he's often naked! nation survive! has spoken!
 T h e s e d a y s , it's very hard t o miss the newest in transportation vehicles, those annoying,
omnipresent scooters. Everyone from young kids t o the Depends crowd are getting around
town on them. As with any other contraption that leaves your body virtually
unprotected, you want to avoid serious injury. Therefore, we
now offer up some helpful hints so you won't be
subjected to those embarrassing and pesky
bumps, bruises, broken limbs and
a m p u t a t i o n s ! Here's...

Never operate a scooter in a

socially inappropriate situation
12
 ,' ' v-^5s***vrf Never carpool with
," - v" ' \ ^ ' ^ ^ A a'scooter

Never "hand hitch" to any vehicle capable of

exceeding a scooter's maximum speed rating.
ARTIST AND WRITER: T O M CHENEY 13
 Never a t t e m p t to use a
scooter for private or commercial towing
 NE BYTES THE PUS.

We gave them our hearts, we gave them our quarters, and they gave us carpal tunnel syndrome. They're the 64-bit heroes
who've shot up more screens than a drug-addled Elvis! But if videogames teach us anything, i f s that everybody
dies — a lot! So you'd better not expect Sonic the Hedgehog t o keep running, and running,
until he needs a walker to get around. Ask not for whom
the Gameboy tolls on that sad day when
we finally see these...

ATRUS DEAD AT 77
PIKACHU SELF-ELECTROCUTED
(OSAKA) Pikachu, the
the yellow
)SAKA) Pikachu, yellow | Pikachu had
Pikachu h^w spent
«*—-* his
>- entire life
electrified Pokemon, short-circuited
himself to death yesterday, the hottest saying nothing but the word
day of the year. "Pikachu," but eyewitnesses noted
His human owner, Ash, was using that the blackened, twitching
him in between Pokemon battles to Pokemon had additional last words.
simultaneously run a TV-VCR, stereo Reportedly, the dying Pikachu
system, computer, microwave, air con- extended a smoldering yellow fist to
ditioner, curling iron, waffle maker, the skies and whimpered, "Pikachu.
vacuum cleaner and George Foreman's Pikachu? Pika...OH SWEET GOD
Lean Mean Grilling Machine. WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO (MYST ISLAND) Librarian and
"Ash didn't even have his Pikachu DESERVE SUCH PAIN NNNGAAAA scholar Atrus was found dead today.
hooked up to a surge protector," KILL ME KILL ME IN THE NAME Authorities said it was unclear when
said Professor Oak of the Pokemon OF ALL THAT IS HOLY SOMEONE he had died, however, as it took sever-
Academy. "I only hope the foolish PLEASE KILL ME. Pikachu."
al days to get to him.
boy learned a valuable lesson Ash was immediately issued a
from this." "He was just sitting there, covered
replacement Pikachu, which he already under a thin layer of dust," said island
loves as much as the original. coroner Garlak. "Not much happens
on this island, you know. He could
have died anytime." Garlak then took
a nap.
Atrus' library is still considered a
possible crime scene, and police
intend to study every single item for
clues. Police spokesman Sunto vows,
"We'll look at every object on this
entire island if we have to. And when
I say every object, I mean every
object."
Atrus may or may not be survived
by sons Sirus and Achenar, depending
on what investigators do. Atrus' body
will be waked inside the white coffin,
the one with the star, and carried over
the bridge with the dripping water
sound at 1:20 PM, before being
turned counter-clockwise beside the
oak tree (not the willow).

ARTIST: KEVIN GREENE WRITER: DESMOND DEVLIN

 ft * GLASS JOE
iM KILLED IN RING
(LAS VEGAS) Longtime boxer
Glass Joe died of severe blood loss,
LARA -nnET PUT TO DEATH after finally advancing to the big
Punch Out fight against Mike Tyson.
I "Tyson was biting him every-
where," said one spectator. "Both
ears, the nose, the kneecaps, you
name it." An autopsy later revealed

Croft's execution after she f

A spokesman for India's
(THE HAGUE) Lara shot more than fifty monks. ^
government expressed satis-
Croft, cross-continental ex- Croft expressed no -.
faction that Croft was dead,
plorer and adventurer, was saying "the damage she remorse for her actions,
executed today by firing inflicted upon the Temple ot merely crossing her arms
V that more than 9% of the boxer was
squad. . Puna, with over 600 rounds and winking. \missing.
Croft had been convicted of ammunition, can never be Lara Croft is the first
f Promoter Don King paid tribute
by an international court repaired. And only a psy- videogame character to be
« to the fallen fighter. "My close per-
earlier this year after repeat- chotic would detonate a executed for a worldwide
I sonal friend Glass Joe was one of the
edly desecrating dozens ot grenade within the Caves of pattern of destruction since
the world's irreplaceable Kaliya. Our ruins are m Dig Dug was convicted - most fantabunofilous pugitators
of deliberately conducting ever. His abilitousness was inex-
sites. Over 75 nations had
ruins." . unsafe archaeological exca- ., haustimoxible, and his courage
strongly urged for punish-
ment after Croft's wave of Even the small nation ot vations in 1988. \ could never be encapsulobated."
repeated vandalism. Tibet joined the clamor for Asked about any funeral arrange-
" ments, Don King explained that
Glass Joe's entire purse had been
£ eaten up by expenses. King then
RYU KILLED IN HOLLYWOOD MISHAP laughed heartily, for no particular
reason.
itally-animated videogame star to
appear in a major motion picture, was
fatally injured in a stunt gone wrong
on the set of Jackie Chan's upcoming
Glass Joe's body remains un-
claimed in the local morgue. 1
film Crazy Truck Driving Guy 3. Chan
was unhurt.
Ironically, the accident involved a
simple Shinkuu Hadouken, or Fireball
a maneuver Ryu had successfully com-
pleted many times before. Ryu's role
will be taken over by Ken. "Dye the
hair, and he pretty much looks the same
anyway," said Lee. "You really have to
care to notice."
Star Jackie Chan was visibly upset
(HOLLYWOOD) Former three- over the mishap. "Crazy Truck Driving
time Street Fighter tournament cham- Guy 3, lots of action, lots of comedy. So
pion Ryu is dead. The karate master much thrilling. Crazy Truck Driving
who was slated to become the first dig- Guy 3 open January 14. Ah ha ha ha'
You go see."
 N U K E M DEAD
(LOS ANGELES) Duke the measure.
Nukem, 28, died of an apparent Nukem's favorite rifle was
heart seizure after being pried from his cold, dead fingers.
informed he would have to wait Nukem had been a proud mem-
for a 24-hour period before ber of the NRA since 2078 A.D,
being permitted to buy 275 and left absolutely no survivors.
grenade launchers. Nukem's body will be on
The controversial law had view through night vision
passed the Post-Apocalyptic goggles for a brief period,
Senate by a 54-46 vote, when 10 before being exploded into
Republicans crossed party lines smithereens.
to join the minority Brain-Eating In Nukem's honor, a 26,021-
Zombies who had sponsored gun salute is planned.

p
LINK DEAD AT 17 % WMtm
(HYRULE) Link, the hero who transformations, fire attacks, shad- L
saved Princess Zelda on innumer-
able occasions, was brutally
ow
*™» warriors
warriors and
and crystal skeletons,
crystal skeletons,
he apparently had no plan against a
*UD TO REST
attacked by a group of youths late simple box cutter.
.last night. He was taken to
nearby Windfish Hospital, Thursday According to » U , CVl dfe ed Until
***
th no
where he succumbed to his e pocket of his h L ^ inside
injuries. ^ b e r ' s a s s i £ g °^s, the £ *
Police believe the motive was erssha
simple robbery. "Apparently The note bepan <*ow.
Link was traveling alone English "What about me 2 W hr°k™
D esnt
through a bad part of the * * £ about-a Luigi ™T£ ° **one
Lost Woods," said police
spokesman Pearse the Gatherer.
"He was carrying the golden
Triforce Medallion, which
apparently caught the wrong
elf's eye." Kong and Donkey K o ^ T T ^ ' D ° n k e y
Although Link possessed Pre-release party J ~ ? g - a , J lending a
t0Wn f 0 r
magic spells to ward off wizard **"*» ^ZcTr G CartS
*« ntw
°r Something. °~ ' or Mushrooms
Following the fUIleral T . .
remains
*ere stuffed inside a barrel tTJ
arreI
skyscraper. ° ^ d thrown off a

VIDEO GAME LEGEND PAC-MAN DIES "Pac was always eating too
(PAC-LAND) Pac-Man, per- •x><^ wac alwavs eating too
fast," sobbed Ms. Pac-Man. "I
haps the best-known and most-
warned him many times. But it I
loved videogame character of all
was like he thought he had three
time, passed away at the age of 19.
extra lives."
Ironically, he died doing what he
Besides Ms. Pac-Man, Pac-
loved best: eating.
Man is survived by Pac-Man
The yellow sphere choked to Junior, Super Pac-Man and distant
death after trying to eat an entire cousin Smiley Face. Services are
pot roast whole. His longtime scheduled for Friday. Pac-Man's
companion, Ms. Pac-Man, was body will be carried on a long,
unable to perform the life-saving crisscrossing funeral route, which
Heimlich maneuver, because she must be memorized exactly.
has no arms.
 BEHIND THE PERPETRATE BALLDEPT.

You'll never see them or their despicable acts portrayed on an episode

of Cope, but in their own sick, twisted way, they are as big a threat
to the fabric of our society as any you could
possibly imagine! Here are-

HMH* GOLDJ LOCK'S

FEU-A5LEEfc,

is ARTIST: A M A N D A CONNER WRITER: RYAN P A C E t O W

 ANGSTER $ PARADISE D EPT.

Ah, February, when a young

woman's mind turns to love
and a holiday known as
Valentine's Day. And a young
man's mind turns to the ready
exciting holiday saluting
his forefathers! Here's... ARTIST: BILL WRAY

PSS6H...FINS,
WHATEVER. JUST
KEEP IT DOWN,
PLEASE.

•HfflSfe

EwWww,
WHAT'S W W NO, I >-^£0...un...
YOU? YOU LOOK OH.' HI, JOUNPA. I ,„ _1(. _,. , r x , MEAN, MY v YOU GOING
EVEN WD>?££ THAN HAVEN'T BEEN SLEEPING W fr
LATELY, WHAT WITH THE g8'2r J f ABMflf TO THE
USUAL. SCENE. > / I PREGNANCY/ ^ASSEMBLY?,
PREGNANCV ANP ALL. . > _ WHATEVER.
AH, NEVER SHE SAID
MIND. LEAVE ME EIGHTEEN
ALONE. WORDS TO ME
,THIS TIME/ I'M
GROW INS ON
HER/

RELAX.
VOU'RE PREAMING:
WHOA/ YOU FELL ASLEEP
WHAT'S GOING DURING THAT INSULT*
O/V/V I'M NOT SEEING
GHOSTS LIKE THAT OF A REVUE/
HALEY JOEL OSMENT
QUEER, AM I ?

_7
S£
*Ti
 and... PRESIDENTS MOM, MAYBE
YOU SHOULP TAKE
\TEASY. ^ r NON6EN6E/
WRITER ANTHONY BARBIERI THEY SAY PRESNANT
WOMEN SHOULP STAY
ACTIVE 41
I PONT

If THINK THIS
IS WHAT THEY
MEANT.
m

41
THE NAME IS TO THE Jf TO
ABE, I POP THE TRUTH. TO THE F! TO *J) -THE CIA m r//e N,
TO THE
THE K/1 SOTS r > **' SMOKEP ~J I, TOTHE"XON"
g f f r MORNING, STUPENTS LOPSEP IN YO BRAIN MALICE, HAP A J J MY ASS IN
* WE HAVE A SPECIAL TCEAT I HAP TO SO FO
LIKE A BULLET FROM • PALACE- PALLAS. THE WATERSA1
FOR OUR ASSEMBLY, BOOTH... BREAK-IN.
TOPAY. J p
'FRESH FROM
THEIR £ 0 ^ OUT
SHOW AT WEST
HILLS MIPPLE
SCHOOL- 1
i^

Si :2J
2*&&m
1
<^

1
-SAY HELLO TO... ,
THERAPPIN' Y///// II
PRESIDENTS!

WHO
ARE YOU
TOOLS? WE ARE THE
Wf/?! HEY,w
I'M ASLEEP,
NOW, vows
REAUYVKBArnHG.
COMB, LET'S MEET
THE OTHERS.
£js<« PRESIPENTS. ANP I'M CAN I JUST
THE ONES WHO NEVER RUTHERFORP\ (50 NAIL KATIE
(50T A SHOW OR A B. HAYES. HOLMES?
.HOLIPAY/ I'M CHESTER.
A.ARTHUR.
 I PONT
APPRECIATE WHAT
VOU SAID ABOUT HALEY OVER THERE, IS
SAV HELLO TO JOEL OSMENT. I THOUGHT
WILLIAM HARRISON. HIS PERFORMANCE IN "THE POLK, MCKINLEY,
LOOK,
ONE MONTH IN OFFICE, •« SIXTH SENSE" WAS
HARRISONS
p/epce...
AND... POOF/ HE REMARKABLE.
GONNA START
WAS 0 6 * 0 , CPY/NS
AGAIN/
 > » W f BI0OT ...ABSOLUTE
NOW THE POPULAR "ANYONE EVERY TIME.
VOTE HAS YOU TAKING
e>oov LIKE YOU POWEP CAN BE
ONE, DYLAN/ COME ON, LET'S
A BEATINS/ OUTTA THE ~ . ALWAYS SAY, CORRUPTS PRESIDENT." GO SCREW WITH
PARK.' ^ ^ CHESTER... ABSOLUTELY. WHAT A HARRISON'SOME.
SAP/ MORE/
• ; , :

1%:
 FLOP TARTS DEPT.

We d o n ' t k n o w about y o u , b u t we don't buy

Playboy for the a r t i c l e s , we b u y i t f o r t h e
p i c t u r e s ! Those f a b u l o u s b a b e s in t h e
centerfold who strip t h e i r clothes off a n d
l e t photographers take pictures of t h e i r
naughty p a r t s ! We'd love t o have c e n t e r f o l d s
like that, b u t we c a n ' t , we're j u s t c r u m m y o l d
M A D M a g a z i n e ! S o we're stuck w i t h t h e s e . . .

PIAYMATE DATA SHEET

Name: A m b e r McPixef
Bust: _J>1_ Waist: - § § — Hips: J^A _
Height:. fflT Weight;^Aboaf T10
B i r t h p 1 ac e : W a m e l s d o r l PA
Birthdate: 10/23/49
T u r n - O n s : O n e (egged men, p s t e r i n e ,
t h a t big r e d Kbo(-A?d pitcher <
Turn-Offs: F l a y e d e l e v a t o r cabfes,
O b s c e n e parrots, _
cycling helmets t h a t dorit fit
F a v o r i t e Snaftlrs: Antidepressants,
diet piffs, donats
Favorite nha.ri t y - T h e Volunteer Qomb
5qugd W?dov\s Fund
MasterCard #-5200-0001-6667-9669'
Expiration I)ate:_3/Qj
Favorite Foois:Ss^dJ^<^h^tJ!^-
least Favorite Foods: Q e e t Je^y,
Squid juice
Hobbies: Qookmobife racing
Ideal Zip Code:J^3_5_V789
would be so t o t a l l y c o o l
 PLAYMATE DATA SHEET
m. Ursula Smagssonn
Bust: _i_€L_Jfaist: _2.4_.Hips :3_2
No.„wa.i\.~4Z2 2.4. 3 6
Height :_Q_£_L_ Weigpl .119 : r
mr^lftftft-Cuptnludc City, Cupmluck
Birthdate: _^A5^ZZ_|..
Turn-Oris: Soccer Ktote,
tinai coruylarvl rtrtgtrig tn. _m.y_ ears _
Turn-Offs:'•E-go^S^cQ-l J.^.b?-^'- 1 -. 5 -!-
_>arcas^zc_ _l__5?3___
What I like about the U,S.:~fe v<*~* array
of pomo, lingerie., _^£_^J^i_?_?!-,_t_ i2?__3__?___as
1 _-_f_ JP-^ej^r9^J^^9r^^^-yi-^^Ls^
Early Childhood Memory:W|^Jj6__L
comfiJo^n^tca_a)i_ag _ _i_ >y_iJ_^_?.'_ril-9ri
Sa^^vraJi^i^nes^ but.crosli6-__K_?_3_ 2H______^
^ i h _ _?ib_*i9. j_?_Jiy_L__!kJ__l__^Xi -ib.-r® ___5__J2_§ty
p^i_j_!_Y_y_^_!Lih__J^^
Eavorite Eoods•: Sctfouaier. TaHare"
no^sjejd^J ^ - a k e e ^ orv toast

iiized _5_!lf_§_i_t_3_..A_^_-'_^r?_____?_ _?_?_!i3

Eavorite Entertairier: J2___ J2_^___c£.

—-—_=L_t_

ARTIST: HERMANN MEJIA

WRITER: JEFF KRUSE

25
As most of our Death Row
readers already know, many
state governments offer the
condemned a choice when
it comes to their execution.
Gas chamber? Electric Chair?
Lethal Injection? Inmates can
take their pick. States don't
really care, cost and cleanup
being about the same for
all three. Which got us to
thinking. Wouldn't it be great
if the states took a little more
pride in their executions and
offered chokes that better
reflect the locales in which
inmates will breathe their last
breath? Something like these...
^*m
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TABASCO
OT SAUCE
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SEATTLE ^ \ ^ ^ . ^
L\i3 HUNKA HUNKA
DLEI HEAVY ELVJS _
IMPERSO
 ii
T

wm $*
m

IND
SPEED B fB
BUMP-Orr

THE WAVY Q
A Bank Letter
YouVe Sure

^ B I Q U I T Y |fr-l
"Banking The Way We Want It To Be!"

Dear Customer Of Some Other Bank,

We are pleased to announce that Ubiquity Federal h a s acquired w h a t remained of your
former bank, Friendly C o m m u n i t y Savings. But don't worry! As the largest financial
monolith in the world, we're dedicated to making banking as convenient for us as possible
b y providing you with the k i n d of services y o u ' d expect from a truly gigantic institution.

To better serve your needs we'll be introducing exciting n e w fees, w h i c h for your
convenience we'll deduct from your account automatically. A n d that's n o t all! We're
eliminating the m i n i m u m balance required to be eligible for free checking by eliminating
free checking altogether!
Here are just some of the many innovative, state-of-the-art n e w changes you can expect at
Ubiquity Federal, each designed w i t h making our banking experience more profitable:

*No more confusing decimal points! *Say goodbye to ATM fees! lust open a
We're rounding off the interest rates on no-interest CD of $100,000 and we'll
the Ubiquity Federal Visa and waive our $3.50 per ATM transaction fee
MasterCards from 21.5% to 25% to for the life of your CD!
make calculating your daily balance
faster and easier! *When it comes to mortgages we're the
bank that says, "Yes! Yes!! Yes!!!" (Yes,
*Convenient online banking! Easy access we offer mortgages, yes you may apply
to your account is now available via the for one and yes we reject all applica-
Internet for you — and everyone else who tions from customers like you!)
hacks into our system — worldwide!
^Friendlier service! We're reducing the
*24-hour loan approval has never been number of homeless drifters in our ATM
so easy! And ivith our neiv premium lobbies by almost 15% and providing
interest rates, you may qualify to make colorful smocks to the ones who refuse
monthly payments to us forever! to leave!

At Ubiquity Federal Bank w e k n o w you're free to close your account a n d d o business

elsewhere. But since we'll probably take over any b a n k y o u deposit your money in
within a few days, we're confident you'll stay with us!

Sincerely,

E d u a r d o Tonsil
President, Ubiquity Federal Bank

If y o u have any questions, please call our automated teller line at 212-555-7181. For faster
service please h a v e your PIN number, account number, social security number, driver's
license identification n u m b e r and any other n u m b e r w e might ask you for ready before
our overloaded system disconnects you.

•MHMBpf
WRrrtR; JEFF k R U S E
29
 ••»• •• • •••
30
ARTIST AND WRITER: PETER KUPER
31
 FLAWS A N D EFFECT DEPT.

Ever done something really pointless and stupid but only realized afterwards how pointless and stupid i t was? Wouldn't you have
liked t o know beforehand exactly how pointless and stupid i t was going t o be (like t h i s MAD intro)? Good, well since you've already

"LIKELIHOOD-OF-
KICKING THE TIRES
FOR T H O S E STUPID
ON A CAR AT
OUTCOME
AN AUTO DEALERSHIP % LIKELIHOOD
A) Nothing 98.85%
B) Car alarm goes off .
C) Car explodes, just like in cartoons!
D) Kick triggers spring-loaded mechanism
inside hubcap attached to sign that
says "THIS CAR IS A LEMON!" 0.01%
E) Sales Manager comes rushing out
of office in a cold sweat screaming,
"Okay, Okay — /'// sell you the car at cost!
Just stop with the intimidation already!!.1" . 0.000045%

PLAYING
l
£P333£££& "REMOTE-TOGGLE" WITH
THE PLAYBOY CHANNEL
OUTCOME % LIKELIHOOD
A) Nothing 99.8%
B) Stress of your overloading it causes
cable box to stop scrambling 0.003%
C) Misses April, June & September all start
writhing in sync with scramble-lines 0.006%
D) Hef, back at the Mansion, detects
your desperation and gives orders
for you to get a special freebie .0.001%

TALKING BACK TO
MOVIE CHARACTERS
OUTCOME % LIKELIHOOD
A) Nothing 89.9997%
B) They hear you and take corrective
action to avoid what's about to
happen to them 0.0002%
C) Producer in audience realizes '
genius of your suggestion and
offers you a three-picture deal 0.00001%
D) Guy in next row using cell phone
yells at you to "shut the F#$% up"
because he can't hear his conversation
 done two pointless and stupid things (buying MAD and actually reading t h i s intro!), let us save you a slight amount of addi-
tional embarrassment with our statistically-accurate (plus-or-minus 100%), handy-dandy pocket reference aids for the moronic...

OUTCOME" CHARTS
miNQSWEALLDO SWITCHING LANES
DURING FREEWAY
RUSH HOUR
OUTCOME % LIKELIHOOD
A) Nothing 99.8%
B) Drivers in new lane see your determined face
in their rear-view mirrors and all speed up .0.0006%
C) Your one brilliant move breaks open
complex gridlock that was keeping
entire freeway slowed down 0.00009%
D) Reporter in overhead traffic copter observes
your superior driving skills, traces your license
plate number and calls your home to report
you'll be home seconds earlier than usual 0.0000000016%

OPENING ONE OF
THOSE "YOU MAY BE A
WINNER!" PUBLISHERS'
OUTCOME SWEEPSTAKES ENVELOPES % LIKELIHOOD
A) Nothing 98.25%
B) Finding the ONE letter (among
zillions of fine-print phonies)
that is an actual winner 0.00000000000001%
C) Finding a personal note from Ed
McMahon, telling you exactly which
combination of magazines you
have to subscribe to in order to win 0.000006%

ARTIST: CEORCE WOODBRIDCE WRITER: MIKE SNIDER

33
 T H E DISSINC. L I N K DEPT.

It's time for a MAD writer to bring home

the bacon! How? By ripping off [once
again] the premise of the "Six degrees
of Kevin Bacon" game. He'll be eating
pork for a month off this one! Here's...

Can you link THE FORMER YUGOSLAVIA to MOOSEHEAD BEE

_ The Former Yugoslavia _, , Any U.S. High Sthool . | i A MAD Subscription

Can you link THE VICE-PRESIDENCY to EGYPT AIR?

• The Vi<e Presidency MENSA Microsoft

Can you link THE INVASION OF POLAND to OLESTRA USERS?

The Invasion of Poland Siegfried & Roy Britney Spears

who are
a pair of
phony boobs
which you'll.
find on...

Can you link CELLULITE to RIGOR MORTIS?

Cellulite Mike Tyson Ivana Trump

34 ARTIST: RICK TULKA

 Bill Gates' Wardrobe Draft Dodging Moosehead Beer

Free Porno Downloads Cigarettes Egypt Air

MR.
which are '
shameful,
?WHK!
but addictive,
like...

A Meteorite Olestra Users

The Kama Sutra Hugh Hefner Rigor Mortis

WRITER: MIKE SNIDER

 SERCE-IN GENERAL DEPT.

iWfeaVfcK ••

36
***** n &"e.c*& m -,*.

37
 ^W^i^W: tW

38
™HS-Aar # ® J K ^ ' f l s ^ r ^
^e>' Ra A ' A €<
 SO PEN IRO YET SO FAR OFF D'EPT.

If you're meeting your girlfriend's parents for the first time, how do you behave? Friendly,
cheerful, outgoing or serious? That might work for a real meeting with her folks.
But for meeting when you desperately want to try to get some laughs, it's best to be...
&d Meeting a girl's
h&
Is that Trix, I taught you how wave If that
parents for the first I8§ all!? bye-bye, and how to use the
X cat's so
Talk about anything! smart,
time is nerve-racking! Except what you do for Should toilet, instead of a catbox!
I shake like a leaf a living! And don't I use For Dud's upcoming wedding, maybe it
when 1 have to meet my mention that you smoke! my real I taught you how to carry could
own parents, so you can Or that you're not fond name, or the ring! You're a very smart write
imagine how upsetting of cats! And above all, an alias? some
don't mention we ever cat, but the job you did funny
this is going to be! balancing my checkbook stinks!
And that cute nickname spent a night alone Now you're dialogue
together! I'd stay away being silly! Look! You're off by more than for me!
you have for your father, ten dollars! I'm not letting My part
"The Grand Inquisitor" from religion too! Of course
you file my tax returns unless in this
worries me! I mean, what And definitely, no you should movie sucks!
politics — or sports! use an alias! there's a vast improvement
should 1 talk about? in your bookkeeping skills!

m
(£0

mm

hQiil!(',&miM'/lM>UH/;-'SMVV/fl///,
i\

m
^c

WICKS
Jerk is such a Because I always 1 think Jerk True! Last weekend, I put
tyrant about let him have his likes the fact a seven room extension on
his daughters! way! Jerk told me that you're 1U
handy with this house! I also built Dud's
How come he still I'm the only person
lets you in his tools, and bridal altar, and now I'm
I that lets him hook me you're gener- finishing a washing
"circle of trust" up to his lie detector $ ous with him!
after Pampers machine carved out of
dropped you? machine when
we play "Go Fish."
»"i a m rzr 7 solid oak! Then I just have
to carve them a dryer!
40
fa
Meekwith the Parents i-r
ii. ii
Who's my I'm glad I took Welcome to our home! brought r - i It
1 uiuuyni i i . looks
I U U I \ J like
nrv Let's hope it works
wittle the barf bag from Now, shake hands, you a gift sir! dirt, but that way in this
girl? the plane! If her then take off those — if you wait movie, too. I'm sure
Who's mother keeps up gloves, so 1 can begin Very long enough, a lot of folks in the
my this baby-waby my special "welcome thought- something audience would like
baby- talk, I'm gonna to our home" finger- ful! interesting to see something
wabby? need it any second! printing ceremony! A bowl should come up! interesting come
of dirt! up — and soon!

As you Oh. No, I don't hate That's You're father's right!

can Gag so cats...Cats are great! nothing! 1 And you'll see how many
see, is a you I mean if it weren't can milk a times he can milk a joke
I love dog hate for cats, what would joke — by saying your contrived
cats! lover! cats? dogs chase and attack? more than last name a hundred times
once! before the end of this film!

ARTIST: ANCELO TORRES WRITER: DICK DEBARTOLO

41
 So, cat hater, What are Damn! I Speaking of At one You looking
you, a occupations, That's too bad! time at me? You
what do you would rather looking at
do for a living? janitor? you were a Gag, I fibbed I think a florist he
a little! My and male nurse me? Look at
janitor! was a her, she's the
I work I At least father is would have gotten Taxi one talking!
in a r that's a not a florist! along pretty well! Driver!
hospital! man's job!
~js

I Fir *
mil TL» a

JjgS
Then And a And I'll be honest Then for know my husband acts What's hard to
he firefighter, with you, 1 was even a long dorky and weird, and believe? Dorky,
was a till he involved with the time, does strange things, weird and strange?
Raging was caught mob, but then 1 met Dad was but he really was I think that describes
Bull in a a psychiatrist who was with with the CIA! Hard
the people who work for
boxer! Backdraft able to Analyze This! to believe, 1 know! the CIA to T!
3

iL _L
Right now I'm working in a man's field, Trust me, Gag, you can
surveillance! You can't see it, but with all use Trix's
there's a camera hidden in the fruit bowl, those hidden kitty box, she
another one hidden in that candle, and cameras in doesn't need
it! Just be
there's a camera hidden in every light this house, I sure to cover
switch in the house! By the way if you don't plan on over whatever
use the bathroom, don't flush, because using the you do with sand!
there's something wrong with the plumbing! bathroom! Ever!
• — — — JS
MM^
3

42
 It's amazing )U saying I know you like Don't worry! I haven't
how thinly don't know... my daughter, let my snake out of the
it really that innocent song had a
veiled the know deeper meaning? And I'm but 1 want you to cage since I closed it
what meant,
lyrics in that well, sure the Village People keep your snake in my zipper in There's
song are! you had a "hidden message" when in the cage Something About Mary! I've
mean, smoke a
"Puff The they sang "YMCA" and "In when you're in been too terrified to open
Magic Dragon," "thinly joint!
The Navy," right? You male this house! or close my zipper since!
what a laugh! veiled"?
nurses are a sick bunch!

1
1 don't know Why not? There 1
to be so hard Were if they were are microphones 1
on Pamper's those her her exact hidden everywhere! 1
new boyfriend! exact words, 1 mean All you had to |
She said words: "He 1 didn't tape do was clap your r
he might might be record them! hands twice to \
 In the Burned No, that's your I'm with The Obvious Sight Gag Hey!
house, we butt! And my Luggage Delivery Company! Someone What's
have something foot's gonna at this address reported a lost suitcase wrong
we call the be in it, if to the airline! It hasn't been found, but with
family circle you ever step we delivered this one. We knew the the
of trust! outside of people here wouldn't want to pass up obvious?
See this? the circle! an obvious sight gag!

_2A. S5.
Trix, you know how to perk up a So much for the roof The altar burned, the toilet Yeah.the Kevin Kline
talky movie! Making me climb shenanigans! Now I'm flooded, we're covered in groom already did that
out on this roof to catch you going to go flush "the mud, there's no electricity, realizing in In & Out! Which
means nothing,
M/
was a great idea! Look at me, forbidden toilet," and the bride has a black he's gay
causing the septic tank of course! We
almost falling off in my eye from Gag hitting her and leaving -y
would have done
bumbling attempts, and my to overflow on the lawn! during the volleyball game! the bride it too if we had
§ cigarette has started a fire!
That's what 1 call inspired!
If you think this movie
stinks now, just wait!
Is there any "wedding
gone wrong" gag we missed?
at the
altar!
thought of it!

If Trix 1 thought I m going Because if I don't Well,

was Gag, you This isn't Trix! you'd be S- to give you let go of this let's
may have This cat looks proud of me! a break, and intense scowl soon. see,
missing, you've
redeemed like Trix, but Wouldn't you let you marry it's gonna be
y he
yourself rather have a done
isn't you spray painted son-in-law who's my daughter! permanently set on about
for all the the tail! You my face! How many more
anymore! trouble you ^ a painter, than Wow! How 20 so
I found have caused! painted this a male nurse? come? movies can I make relying far!
him! cat's tail? on this one expression?
 RE V O L T A G E M E T E R DEPT.

ack in MAD #307 we did a story called "Gross

B and Beyond Gross." Little did we know this crummy

little article would spring forth a whole volume
of disgusting and vile
material aptly called The
MAD Gross Book (on sale
January 3rd wherever
fine books are sold). Stop
- reading this intra and go
|buy it now. Oh, you're
| back! As we were saying,
|to commemorate the
i publication of The MAD
mm
\;Gross Book you just
bought, we commis-
ioned that walking
pussbag John Caldwell
fto create a follow-up to
| his legendary article.
So grab your barf bag
lD, T$
aSu*ic*«««* ° " was we now present...

THE SEQUEL
BEYOND GROSS is...

£&•
...ordering a meal in an ethnic restaurant and
discovering it's served with the head still on it. ...ordering a meal in an ethnic restaurant and
discovering it's served with a flea collar still on it.

..getting stuck between floors in a crowded

...getting caught in a crowded elevator elevator when someone cuts a damp one.
when someone cuts a damp one.
ARTIST AND WRITER: JOHN CALDWELL 45
 AMD GROSS IS
THE SEQUEL
GROSS IS.

BEVOND GROSS IS.

...guys who pick and flick

BEVOND GR

..guys who use their

sleeve as a tissue.

...guys who pick and do exhaustive research

.the same guy in a tank top.

...people who clean their ears out with a pencil.

BEYOND GROSS is.

...watching them try to erase something.

46
 GROSS IS...

BEYOND GROSS is..

..trying to enjoy a meal with someone

picking at food caught in their gum

BEYOND GROSS is..

...finding toilet paper

stuck to your shoe.

...realizing what's keeping it there. ...trying to enjoy a meal with someone

picking at food caught in their tongue stud.

BEYOND GROSS is.

>-'

...fast food employees who never take them off.

.fast food employees who never wear latex gloves.

tROSS IS. ;YOND GROSS is...

.having to share a bathroom with

someone who pops their zits.
 G R I E V I N G LAS VEGAS DEPT.

MAD'S
CELEBRITy CflUSE-OF-DEPT

Our team of crack oddsmakers gives you the latest Vegas line on
how one of today's biggest stars is going to bottom out, so to speak!

ARTIST: HERMANN ME; IA

WRITER: M1K1 SNIDER
by Puffy Combs iri a bar fight during a date
•\ Fatal slapfight with(Britney Spears andjGhristina
m Jr*^
Aguilera over whose booty is >yalt that, girlfriend"
ssg^:"*• •: .*>v ~- • ' )- ••'-v^.:. :: •'. :;• j - : . ' - -,•'.'. v.:'••,
Fatal slapfigh t with Ricky Martinin Grammy
Awifds dressing room oyer missing maseara 10il
Killed by hear5ighted Selena-stalker
;,wh© doesn't keep up with the news 15:1
Dies peacefully after long/-.
uneventful marriage to Puffy Combs '\-.: 1 0 0 , 0 0 0
 HERE WE GO W I T H ANOTHER RIDICULOUS
WHAT HEAVY
ISSUE IS WEIGHING MAD F O L D - I N
Kids in school have lots to worry about these days. In addition to the nor-
MIGHTILY UPON mal problems of peer pressure and getting picked on, there are even
TODAY'S STUDENTS? more dangerous things to be concerned about. To find out one issue that's
weighing particularly heavy on many students, fold page in as shown.
FOLD PAGE OVER LIKE THIS!

BASICALLY, HEAVY PROBLEMS THAT ARE TRULY SICK-

ENING KEEP PILING UP ON STUDENTS. WEARY AND
B R E A T H L E S S , M O S T J U S T GRIN AND BEAR I T . T A K I N G
TIME OUT IS NOT POSSIBLE. NEW PROPOSALS FOR EXT-
INGUISHING THIS CRISIS ARE NOWHERE IN SIGHT.
BOYS AND GIRLS ARE TURNING INTO NERVOUS KOOKS
E^- ARTIST AND WRITER: AL JAFFEE " ^ 3
ARTIST AND WRITER: AL JAFFEE