IN THIS ISSUE WE S O C K IT TO

POKEMON • "THE PRACTICE" • THE CLASS OF 2 0 0 0

SUBSCRIBE ®®KQ ^f D

ISSUES Visa or
MasterCard
ONLY Orders Only!
Monday
through Friday

I 8 a.m. - 11 p.m.
Eastern Time;
9 a.m. • 6 p.m.
Saturday.
Save U.S.A. and
Canada Orders Only!

Almost $ 1 j O R USE THE

CONVENIENT
COUPON
off Regular
Newsstand USE COUPON OR DUPLICATE

Price! P.O. BOX 52305 BOULDER, CO 8 0 3 2 2 - 2 3 0 5

NAME , .

• Payment enclosed!
CO
D Please bill me later!
Outside U.S.A. (Including Canada) price is S30 (includes GST tax).
Funds payable by International Money Order or Check drawn on
a U.S.A. Bank. MAD Magazine cannot be responsible for cash that
is lost or stolen in the mails so CHECK OR MONEY ORDER PRE-
FERRED! Please allow up to 8 weeks for delivery of first issue.
PULL M Y CHENEY
BY TOM CHENEY

'BY TA£ VJAY. THAT'S nor A

&&AN-0A6 CHAIR...-THAT'S AIY sisfeR.

DEPARTMENTS
LETTERS AND TOMATOES DEPARTMENT:
Random Samplings of Reader Mail ...4

WITLESS FOR THE DEFENSE DEPARTMENT:

"The Malpractice" (A MAD TV Satire) 6

2 TRITE 2B 4 GOT-10 DEPARTMENT:

High School Yearbook Inscriptions
You're Sure to See 11

STATIS TICKLE DEPARTMENT:

A New Millennium Update to MAD's
Table of Little Known and Very Useless
Weights, Measures and Distances 14

A SITE FOR STORE EYES DEPARTMENT:

The Downside of Internet Shopping 16

ANGSTERS PARADISE DEPARTMENT:

Monroe &...The Foreign Exchange Student 18

TEAM SCHLOCK-IT DEPARTMENT:

Pokemon Collector's Hall of Fame 22

CARS AND DEFECTS DEPARTMENT:

Bumper Stickers That Reflect Real School Life 24

TALES FROM THE DUCK SIDE DEPARTMENT:

The Ex-Files 26

MORE

AS/
 I

'

. ' '

fmtgmgs:
•^eXSS?* * "* 1 2

THIS ISSUE:
A special IND

tribute tift
DON

-J

excerpts THE MONTH

from the
classic book
DON
The Mad
World of X
Gaines,
William M.
w i t h rare, BOOKEXCERPT:
never before MORE
seen photos MADNESS
FROM THE
and original MAO
artwork! WORLD OF
WILLIAM
CHOICE
M. GAINES
•Reader- XI « JUN[

Selected 9990
**•» CMEtf,

Favorites!
•And More!

r
^ -
n W
NSA; agazines resold!
To read a special preview from The MAD World of . Sa/nes, go to madmag.com
 MORE DEPARTMENTS

HAVE A SCREAM" DEPARTMENT:

"Wes Craven" 27

BETTER APE T H A N NEVER DEPARTMENT:

One Fine Day in the Animal Testing Lab 30

BERGS-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT:

The Lighter Side of 31

U ^ \fr HALF PAST 1 0 P I N DEPARTMENT:

\ Bowling Shoes to Match Time Zones -
A MAD Expose 33

A N EMBARRASSMENT OF RICHARD'S DEPARTMENT:

Tem-Por-Peddle-lt Mattress Ad 35

CRAP A N D G O W N DEPARTMENT:
MAD's Commencement Address
for the Class of 2000 36

JOKE A N D DAGGER DEPARTMENT:

Spy Vs. Spy 38

LETTERS ENTERTAIN Y O U DEPARTMENT:

MAD Anagrams 40

SERGE-IN GENERAL DEPARTMENT:

A MAD Look at Parents 41

M O U R N I N G NEWS DEPARTMENT:
Still More Obituaries
For Advertising Characters 45

GRIEVING LAS VEGAS DEPARTMENT:

1952
Gouda Pavillion THIS MONTH MAD's Celebrity Cause-of-Death
1992
Opens at Six Flags IN HISTORY
Dallas Cowboys
Betting Odds 48
Cheese World — Coach, Jimmy
Johnson, Has Hair
Laminated MARGINAL T H I N K I N G DEPARTMENT:
"Drawn Out Dramas" Various Places
by Sergio Aragones Around the Magazine
1991
New Study Reveals
People Who Tip Their "Americans are the
Doctors Live Longer
only people looking
1994 for a short cut to
1989
Luigi "The Pig" Santucci
Becomes First Loan
Shark in Nation to
Cartoon Network
Scraps Plans for
Animated Veal Series
the quick fix!"
h
Offer Free Checking
FRONT COVER ARTIST: RICHARD WILLIAMS
 ***IJ!**> HOWTO^p0UnSdence

To
-/^,WYork,Ne* -

...amissions. !*"• 1,_r,v.\ed

DOM. AKS AND NONSENSE

CEUBBITY I a m a long time reader of your trade
journal, MAD magazine. I find your
SNAPS publication both entertaining and
informative. However, I have noticed a
Last issue we quoted Senator John McCain sayins "As lack of financial content. I would like
you know my dear friends, Alfred E. Neuman is a to see more coverage of Wall Street,
As I sat here staring blankly at my Pre-
national hero." No sooner did we print it, then - bam! economic and capital market news.
Calculus homework, the bane of my exis-
—this Celebrity Snap arrives in our mailbox. Congrats Financial issues have become more
tence, I wondered for the zillionth time:
to Jeffrey Able of Columbia, SC for his three-year prevalent in the media. I think that MAD
What is the point of math, especially subscription, which coincidentally will run through could parody risk pricing methodologies
Calculus and Algebra? I then remem- much of the first term of the Gore administration! and that your readers would appreciate
bered an English assignment that I still
some derivative and call option humor.
hadn't done yet, which was to write a let-
ter to a magazine. The answer became Mark Glitto, Esq., Via madmag.com
perfectly clear: Write MAD and see if
they know the point of math. Also, if Glitter — It's rare that we receive a letter
3'ou print this letter, hopefully I will get that so accurately pinpoints our editorial
a better grade in English than I have in shortcomings. Rest assured that we have
Pre-Calculus. By the way, what is the shared your comments with the highest
answer to Log2 (4 2 • 3 4 )? levels of this organization and have
already taken steps to correct our lack of
Ryan Healey, Dryden, MI financial-based comedy. Here's a sneak
peek at an upcoming article, "You Know
Heals — We write the following with much
You're a Derivative and Call Options Geek
trepidation. The simple fact is there is a
When...": 1) Your computer has an Alan
code of silence, an oath that must be
Greenspan screen saver; 2) you've been
taken for all those who enter adulthood.
slapped with restraining orders from Maria
The penalty for breaking this oath is
Bartiromo, Alice Rivlin and Louis Rukeyser;
death. Nonetheless, we break it here
3) You once sold gold futures short in an
today because we care about you, Ryan
I attempt to cover Yen options which had a
Healey. Here is the truth: Calculus doesn't
call of 30 and a buy of 13 over a three-day
matter. You will never, ever, under any cir-
holiday with markets closed and overseas
cumstances, have a practical application Senator John McCain and Jeffrey Able of Columbia, SC trading heavy to fund an IPO debentures
for this mind-numbing numbers crap.
offering in a cyclical despite unemploy-
Likewise, all those dates you have to mem-
ment figures indicating otherwise! See ya
orize for History — garbage. Unless your
on the street! —Ed.
big plan in life is to become a contestant
on Jeopardy!, you will never need to know
that Columbus set sail in 1514, or that the
100 Years War ran from 1864-1952. Ditto
dissection of frogs, French and anything
by that English-as-a-second-language-
hack, Shakespeare. There you have it, the
cat's out of the bag! See ya on the honor
roll! —Ed. P.S. Please keep this between
us and don't show this issue to any of your
student friends! —Ed.

THE MAD UGLY CAR

Gentlemen, start your engines! Racing fans, cover your eyes!
It's the NHRA MAD Ugly Car coming to a speedway near
you! Visit the MAD web site (www.madmag.com) for a
complete listing of the 2000 race season. See you in the pit!
 -*n,i
~ .-.- . » . •

H
4- a if JS J.

—.. .
•

M
o.s- ^ SOU"
A
fa*'

^«gfe«»
***«v
V»eK>
yovl

by TOM T O M O R R O W
BUSH LEAGUE POLITICS
l i s the political season and more than one
person has pointed out the strikins physical
* * ^ * *
resemblance between George W. Bush and
MAD's o w n What, Me Worry? kid, Alfred E.
Neuman. Actually, their physical resemblance is William M. Gaines
just the beginning of the eerie coincidences founder
between George W. and Alfred E.! Fact: Bush's
first name contains six letters, Neuman's first Jenette Kahn
name contains six letters. Both Bush and president & editor-in-chief
Neuman use a middle initial as part of their
whole names. Both Bush and Neuman have run Paul Levitz
for President and both had trouble generating executive vice president & publisher
much enthusiasm as a candidate! Bush has no
comprehensible foreign policy and is thought of Nick Meglin & John Ficarra
b y most as an intellectual lightweight. Well, per- editors
haps this is where the comparison breaks d o w n !
Editorial:
Charlie Kadau & Joe Raiola
senior editors
David Shayne associate editor
Amy Vozeolas assistant editor
Dick DeBartolo creative consultant
Annie Gaines managing editor
Dorothy Crouch vp-licensed
publishing and associate publisher

Art Department:
Sam Viviano art director
Nadina Simon associate art director
Leonard Brenner graphics consultant
Reading counterclockwise: AP photo of Bush holding on Alfred statue in which
Thomas Nozkowski production
someone replaced one idiot grin with another; the cover of The Fairfield County Weekly Maria Wyche production artist
February 10,2000; and a Tom Tomorrow cartoon in which it's obvious Tomorrow had no ideas that day!
Circulation:
Tracy Bowen manager-newsstand sales

Administration:
MAI) MUMBLINGS @aol.com THE SPENDING ANNEX* Patrick Caldon vp-finance & operations
Alison Gill exec, director - manufacturing
Rick Tulka s h o u l d d r a w c a r t o o n s f o r Hustler Lillian Laserson vp & general counsel
— t h e l m a pickles...Love your m a g . I t h o u g h t I
would grow o u t o f i t . I was m i s t a k e n , t h a n k Contributing Artists
God\ — Marchan210...What would happen if I
plugged my m o u t h a n d nose while I sneezed? And Writers
— Ben Keller...Being insecure makes you t u r n January 2». M°° the usual sans of idiots
pink — F3unnie2567...lt is v i r t u a l l y impossible
t o baptize a c a t — I t t z i n g s . . . S o m e t i m e s a t
M A D (ISSN 0024 9319) is p u b l i s h e d monthiy b y E.C.
n i g h t I like t o t h i n k a b o u t w h a t f i s h would Publications, I n c , 1700 Broadway. N e w Jfoffc* N.y 10019.
Periodicals postage p a i d at N e w yorK, N.Y, a n d at a d d i t i o n -
look like if t h e y had f e e t — 5 m u d g e 7 6 . . . M a p s al mailing offices. Subscription in U.S.A.: 12 issues S24.00
spelled backwards i s S p a m — MikeDog999... or 24 issues S45.00 or 36 issues $60.00. O u t s i d e U.S.A.
(including Canada)-. 12 issues S30.00 or 24 issues $57.00 or
Did you know t h a t an egg a n d a t i r e can make 36 issues S78.CC. (Canadian price has GST rax i n c l u d e d . )
Entice contents © copyright 2000 b y E.C. Publications, Inc.
a boring day f u n ? — DIEHARD&61...Never s a y
featured to ^ S » wBl S° *T*t c a n ', >eU you A l l o w 10 weefcs ' o r change of address to b e c o m e effective,
"I am t h e king o f all I survey" in a p o r t - o - a n d i n c l u d e mailing tabei w h e n making change o f address
or inquiring about your subscription. POSTMASTER-, send
p o t t y — STDstroyer. address change t o M A D , P.O. Box 52345 Boulder, CO
80322-2345. The Publisher and Editors w i l l not b e respon-
s i b l e for unsolicited, manuscripts, a n d request all manu-
scripts be a c c o m p a n i e d b y a s t a m p e d self-addressed
return e n v e l o p e . The names o f characters used in all MAD
f i c t i o n and semi-fiction are fictitious. A similarity w i t h o u t
satiric p u r p o s e t o a living p e r s o n is a c o > n c i o e n c e .
Pr.r.ted in U S A

President
 WITLESS FOR THE DEFENSE DEPT.

What do you call a busload of thirty lawyers falling off a cliff?

A good start! What do you call a cast load of six lawyers going
t h r o u g h the motions in a lame legal melodrama? We call it...

I'm Bibby Donutt! I run the Boston law I'm Huge Gene Yank! My partners I'm Tribecca Wishbone! I'm Jumbo Berloophole!
office of Donutt, Yank, Doll & Frappe! Our often question our belief in what I was a secretary, then 1 do the grunt work.
motto: "Give us the scum of society and we' is right and what is wrong! worked my butt off going I look like I belong in the
keep them out of jail and on the streets!" I don't question! 1 KNOW to law school at night to Bada Bing Club with the
We specialize in the bizarre! Got a severed we're wrong! But we'll defend become a partner with Sopranos, not in a Boston
head in a bowling bag? Give us a call! Got you anyway! You want bail - no this firm! Now that I've law firm! 1 started
a dead dwarf glued to a prostitute? We're problem! You want to cut a plea succeeded, I realize my career chasing
your team! It's gritty work! Every day bargain deal - no problem! something — I've hitched ambulances. 1 huffed
1 deal with tortured souls, neurotics You want justice but don't my wagon to a team of and puffed! Couldn't
and sociopaths! They're my partners have our $300 an hour idiots! I should've gone catch them! Fortunately.
and employees! Let's meet them! legal fee — big problem! to hairdressing school! I have a car now!
 I'm Hellion Grumble, I'm Lindseed Doll! I'm I'm Loosely Hatchett! I'm an I'm Ellenbore Frappe!
an Assistant District the "cute" one in this outspoken, kooky, ditzy legal I'm a lawyer! And a damn
Attorney! 1 represent firm! I'm intelligent! secretary —just the traits good one! I'm also an
the Commonwealth! I've I'm tough! I'm skilled clients are looking for Emmy winning actress!
in a courtroom! I can in a respectable law firm!
appeared in chambers! I deserve respect! I have
open, I can close, I can I do improbable things. Like
For a brief time cross examine with confidence the staff at
yesterday I drew a happy face
I appeared in Bibby's the best of them! And MAD won't go for the
all over a subpoena in a triple
chambers! I'm decent, if that doesn't work, obvious, cheap route
homocide case. They were
honorable, I play by the I've got a rack like and do nothing
sorta pissed! Hellooooooo!
rules! In this series that Jennifer Love Hewitt! but fatjokes!
It's like, loosen up, guys!
hurts me greatly! Fat chance!

^5?
.7W

Vguc\<=fc

WWillli

mi L .
v. -

m
I

<M # ¥
 Why us?
Yes! He's back,
and he*s more No respectable
violent than the legal firm will
original! We take the case!
desperately need That's why we
a defense lawyer! came here!
 This is torrid
stuff! We're Uh huh! Every-
law partners in place we go
the boardroom we seem to
be "making
and sex partners
in the bedroom!

I kill and
maim and
choke and
torture and...

^ 'c

In'
•mi
 This is Let's May I Yes. but Quake! Quake!
not go to approach gingerly! It's Act of God!
going well! •Plan B"! the bench? not bolted down! We call
a mistrial!

Well Your honor, What? There's Exactly... Hey, You're Well,

has on the no precedent Our it's It's payback time! We making we're
the advice of our for this! It plan the were the Boston law firm false and counter-
jury lawyers we screws up is attorneys with all the buzz! Now misleading suing
reached refuse to the trial... coming from the you've horned in on our style, claims! We're you
a and the together Ally taken our stories, pilfered suing you for
render plagia-
verdict?! perfectly! for libel!
a decision! TV episode! McBeal our bizarre clients and rism!
show! outrageous dark humor!

David E. Kelley! The

Both these TV Haven't had Supreme
law dramas are your time! This one Court?!
creations! Have you may go to the
written an ending highest court Judge
to this one? in the land! Judy!
 2 TRITE 2B 4 0 O T - 1 O DEPT.

When you flip through your yearbook,

we're willing to bet you notice two things:
1) the Yearbook Staff has the most photos and
2) the pages are covered with
moronic scrawl. Here's...

Richard M. Nixon
•'V'*' ' i ' • ' M i ' V '"•

Sinpgatan A^Ile^ NJ

ARTIST: JAMES W A R H O L A
W R I T E R : K E N N Y BYERLY

* &

>&
 ^

>*t£F *«/•«>» Jc+s6

J'^kuke. P »^? *>t>£ our*

k
W*f Y*u. S i n * Em OO.-AOJ+D^ j i / r . i c o l l * * *
•.Alois 4-OMM, $ * y 4 & I ' l l $e« y t u n u t JUil wK«.n N A K F T * * so**o»ee/se
CkrfS.

Deborah Schnitzeiman Ralph Boothe Man Beth Benecke

v\

—fr.L'ALiie|i|Al->.::
Ben Dover Suzanne Peterkin Franco American Thomas Fastneck Analisa Spumanti
isomer ye»-»~ C|0««.r -»© « « .
<y*ve. C»*^rATvl«4t>«s «* ye* ^notr^tr
yvolfcsiene ©r\ ^ouf vuft>f To A t tAk, Of pre^»\ ve..

i t you. rviostj tut ntmemWr "f|*f TaJI |

happiness is TW&VUM } &*A wraew Vo«1ijj|dr^iuM

Dowels
. of
- , your own private
pnvaie. K|ll^
npu^ "Ms*,
wrae, §

Hope you enjoyed class tWs ^ a r .

« % »
* * * *
W*;
:-mm. y&rrzr
Kojarski
Slouch S^SodJ W4M
Art
Appreciation

13
 STATIS TICKLE DEPT.

A fitW Mlf IfMffMM MPDirr to

and VERY USELESS WEIGHTS

...is the total amount of vomit cleaned ...is the average distance of a ..is the average length of an opening day
up by Times Square sanitation workers "pick and flick" with no wind resistance. waiting line for any Woody Allen movie.
the day after New Year's Eve.

2 FEET 7 INCHES

...is the amount of drool you can expect to ...is the amount of butter it takes to fill ...is how much closer the average American
see when your 90-year old uncle blows all the nooks but only some of the male moved toward his TV screen when soccer
out the candles on his birthday cake.. crannies in an English muffin. player Brandi Chastain whipped off her top.

...is the depth of those little indents you get in ...is the amount of blood you're likely to lose if ..is the amount of toilet water swallowed by
your nose from wearing glasses all the time. you're a black male stopped by a New York City cop. a freshman pledge during initiation week.

14.2 INCHES 2 FEET 4 INCHES 4.7 INCHES

...is the average size of a ...is the airline industry's ..is about how much any basketball shot by Patrick
"17 inch" computer screen. definition of "generous leg room." Ewing misses whenever the game is on the line.
14
TABLE off LITTLE KNOWN
MEASURES and DISTANCES ARTIST: BOB STAAKE W R I T E R : J. PRETE

...is how much Sam Donaldson's ...is the furthest you can walk in any ...is the minimum window clearance
toupee shirts during one newscast. direction in any city without seeing a GAP. needed when taking the 1,000 Pound
Man out of his house on a forklift.

1.7 MILES 2 3/4 INCHES 15.7 FEET

...is the distance between the target and where ...is the height of the local newspaper ...is the diameter of the circle around a
the "smart bomb" actually landed in the video headline when you're arrested for DWI. homeless guy eating in a McDonald's,
footage the Pentagon doesn't release to the public. (1.2 centimeters is the height of the headline
when you're acquitted of all charges.)

...is how much larger Andrew Jackson's - i s the maximum amount of cellulite a team „.j S the depth of Calista Flockhart's cleavage,
of
nostrils are on that goofy new $20 bill. doctors can suck out of that fat chick from
The Practice before breaking for lunch. 15
 tnT What's Related

absolutely nothing

Before you log o»

Downside erf
Online Shgppmg

For some odd reason, garage sale junk you once would
have blown off by chuckling at now merits serious consid
eration, even when a $14.95 shipping fee is tacked on

16
 Cyber-shoppers must
be aware that at
any time they're
only one mistyped
letter away from
some Danish
multi-species
porn site.

Even if you find a high-tech, user-friendly web site,

there's still some Einstein in the shipping department
with a 50-50 chance of screwing up your order.

^M%

There's the emergence

of new, sucky holiday
traditions, such as sitting
on Cyber-Santa's lap.

At the other
end of the
transaction is,
quite likely, a
socially-back-
ward techno-
geek who now
knows your
measurements,
your taste in
\t W
silk teddies
and your
e-mail address.

17
 ANGSTER S PARADISE DEPT.

Passports
please.
It's time to join
Monroe on his
first overseas
adventure!
THE pO&EigN
EXCHANGE STUDENT

WRITER: ANTHONY BARBIERI

19
 JET

20
 MAN,
EVERYONE,
SOMETHING'
I CAN'T <3ET ALL SAY HELLO TO
LITTLE ROUNP
SURB!
THE SPLEEN OUT THAT IS © O O P / B&& ROLLS...
EYES/
FROM UNPER MY FINGERNAILS NOW HAVE MOO-6HOO... I PONT
FINGERNAILS.' THE SPIRIT Of- THE BEAR/ CHINESE ALL THAT/ KNOW WHAT
COME/ WE MEET THE REST FOOP?.
is /JWT:'
OF... tw... FACTORY... a?, HERE - VOU
I MEAN, "SPONSOR TRY 7 W & '
FAMILY"/
 T E A M SCHLOCK IT DEPT.

Now t h a t the Pokemon craze is finally fading

(thank god!) i t won't be long before
small-minded people s t a r t arguing
about which suckers wasted the
most money on this worthless crap!
To save you time, we small-
minded people a t MAD
have already tallied
up the s t a t s and

OF
*&**±
inducted the winning ^^p
poke-putzes into... ^ ^ ^

Background: One of those weird

teenagers who only hangs out
with kids half as old as he is
Has: 139 Pokemon
Has Blown: $750 he made
black marketing his Ritalin
behind cafeteria at lunch
Greatest
Pokemon Achievement:
Continuing as a Pokemon trainer
despite the unanimous ridicule
from his 16-year-old classmates

Background: Former Wall Street investment banker,

until he discovered where the really big bucks are
Has: 140,000,000 Pokemon (with some duplicates)
Has Blown: $0.00 of his own money; $560,000,000
from Widows & Orphans Trust through penny stock
fraud and a phony mutual fund he set up
Background: Has every Greatest Pokemon Achievement: Paid
Pokemon, saw the Pokemon movie $12,000,000 for consulting firm to produce a study
84 times, records and watches of whether Bulbasaur evolves into a plant or animal
every episode of Pokemon
cartoons 50 times, can remember
nothing about the rest of his life
Has: 150 Pokemon
Has Blown: $40,395 from Background: Owns 56 pairs o
the till of his parents' restaurant Pikachu underwear
and $4,800 in tips from same Has: 138 Pokemon
Greatest Pokemon Has Blown: $1,864.50 of his
Achievement: Traded his 7-year- parents' money
old sister for a one-of-a-kind
Greatest Pokemon
Articuno card
Achievement: Once let family
dog perish in house fire to rescue
his rare Poliwag card instead

22
SSg> Background: Son of recovering
Beanie Baby addicts
Has: 143 Pokemon
Has Blown: $1,967.75
of his parents' money, $450
that he pickpocketed on the
Background: Became hooked while serving
D train, $640 from donating
as school's playground referee for Pokemon
blood every week
trading sessions
Greatest Pokemon
Has: 120 Pokemon
Achievement: Actually put out
a hit on classmate Steve Zims Has Blown: $28,398 in church Bingo profits
for refusing to trade Greatest Pokemon Achievement: Swiped
a third grader's Pokemon card binder while he
was inside a church confessional

ARTIST: R.J. M A T S O N WRITER: M I K E SNIDER

Background: Used to
collect comic books until
he decided he wanted
something "less dorky"
Has: 129 Pokemon
Has Blown: $2,600.00 -
all of his college savings
account — unbeknownst
to parents
Greatest Pokemon
Achievement: Beat the crap
out of a crippled neighbor to
get three cards he needed

23
 CARS A N D DEFECTS DEPT.

By our judgment, watching other drivers pick their nose has dropped to #2 on
the list of the most annoying things you can see while waiting at a red light!
What's #1? It's those god-awful bumper stickers announcing someone's
son/daughter/whatever has been named Honor Student at Such-And-Such
School! Who gives a flying rat's patootie, especially since none of our readers
are honor students anyway? For them and their proud parents, we suggest
they polish up the bumper on the 'ol Dodge Neon and slap on a few of these...

BUMPER
ARTIST: PAUL COKER
WRITER: JEFF KRUSE
26 ARTIST A N D W R I T E R : D U C K ED W I N G
 HAVE A SCREAM" DEPT.

In the mid-nineteenth century, Poet Edgar Allen Poe made people scream in horror
with his masterpiece poem The Ravenl One hundred fifty years later, MAD Magazine
gets much the same result when it publishes its poem about Scream filmmaker...

with ay elegies to Edgar Alien Pee

o fnce uyen a midnight dreary, horror flicks did net seem weary,
"Elm Street," "HaUeween," and "Friday... the 13th" scared Jam galore.
Michael, Jasen and that Freddie, made fan's stemachs feel unsteady,
But ne ene was really ready, fer schlock semiels hy the score.
Which director was most guilty of these schlock clones hy the score?
'Twos Wes Craven, Ung of gore.

^yoon this genre was outdated, fans no longer were elated,

By the HooSaths that these movies seemed to churn out more and more.
But one day an unknown writer, wrote a chdler that seemed brighter,
Craven helmed this newest frighter, which made fun of flicks of yore.
Why would Craven want to mock his horrorfilmsfrom days of yore?
'Cause Wes Craven was a whore!

U his "Scream" become a winner, forcing fans to lose their dinner?

It seemed doubtful since its only star was young Drew Barrymcre.
Drew hadfreaked when she was seven, and got drunk hy age eleven,
So how in the name of heaven would this film get off the floor?
Very soon it mattered not when Drew's guts sylattered on the floor.
On her, Craven slammed the door.

ARTIST: BILL W R A Y W R I T E R : A N D R E W J. SCHWARTZBERG 27

 0r&±

£~tvery horror fan was shaken, when Drew's life was quickly taken,
if this movie's litest star wasfoiledwhat else might he in store?
Was Neve Campbell next to huy it? Many hoped that Wes would try it,
For no fright fan could deny it — Neve was such a whiny lore.
Could a movie he successful with a whining, pouting lore?
"Yes!" Wes Craven's fans did roar.

I 'it'll* ', ',1'/ r l'"/ ',' 9*.

/
If , ' 0 S' '

%_his flick flew not on its story, or the fact that it was gory,
This film thrived upon the fact that it made "in-jokes" h the score
Makngfun of Tori Spelling, Fonzie at the students yelling,
One lonefilmgeek always telling what we should le frightenedfor.
When he saw this Gen-X chiller was what fans were waiting for,
Quoth Wes Craven, "Let's make more."

A \h, distinctly all rememler, one year later in Decemler,

SCREAM
"Scream 2" was released upon the puttie with a mighty roar.
This plot had a large infusion of duml twists that caused confusion.
What lizarre drug-crazed delusion, made this script a muddled lore?
Laurie Metcalf as the killer — could there le a ligger lore?
Still, cash Craven made galore.

$»»<***,,/ 2-Z-

28
 ^y cream "flicks, sure were money makers, so if spawned a pack cjJokers.
"I Knew What You Did Last Summer" was the first to wash ashore.
"Urlan Legend," "Mrs. Tingle," these and more all seemed to mingle,
Each and every freakin'single cjthese flicks we did ahhor.
Who hegan this competition of scare flicks we did ahhor?
'Twos Wes Craven launched this war.

j^ext, two years of hype and rumors, growing like malignant tumors,
Built "Scream 3" up in a way that no one living could ignore.
Once again Neve acted schmucky, in a sequel that was sucky,
Worse, in fact, than "Bride of Chucky," was this flick that was a lore.
The killer was — well, we won't tell you, should you plan to see this lor
Just Uame Craven when you snore.

Wes Cravens "Screams" are staying, always playing, always playing\

In the VCRf and theaters frequented hy teens galore.
And they say "3" is the last one, hut we think they'll puE a fast one,
We let they've hegun to cast one, for there's money in this gore.
Yes we're sure we'll see another pointlessfilmwith pointless gore,
When Wes Craven makes "Scream 4."
 ONE PIN© DAY IN THE
ANIMAL TESTING &AB

30 ARTIST: PAUL COKER WRITER: MICHAEL CALLACHER

 BERG S EYE V I E W DEPT.

PARENTS
You're home Okay! We ate at a Now tell me the part
late! How nice restaurant that you have no
was your date that had a band, intention of telling me!
with Kyle? so we danced a lot!
 PETS

32
CELL PHONES

•MMBBMMMM|
 Joe, we've decided
to make you the Guest of
Honor at our "Good Luck
on your Next Job" party!

DOCTORS
Kaputnik, I looked over your medical plan
and found something very interesting!
 We'll sleep 100% better knowing that you spent your money on...

THE SWEDISH MATTRESS

THAT MADE
Meet Aged Khristmastree: This renowned
Swedish scientist joined the Tem-Poor-Peddle-
SLEEPING OBSOLETE!
It team in 1991 at a critical time - when he
wasflatbroke and destitute from having not
T he Tem-Poor-Peddle-It
Mattress is the world's
first weighdess sleep system,
Sticky-Side-Up Cover!
The traditional thick padding
that covers ordinary mat-
Rave Reviews
in the Press!
Magazines and newspapers
held a job in 16 years. Since he spent nearly perfect for anyone who tresses effectively keeps the have been printing rave
the full length of those 16 years taking naps, weighs zero pounds or less! steel springs inside, but cre- reviews about the Tem-
he learned a lot about mattresses. One day, It's substantially less com- ates an unpleasant hammock Poor-Peddle-It Mattress,
responding to his wife's nonstop nagging to fortable for those weighing effect outside — especially because they were written
him about not working, he shouted, "Shut more than that, however if you hang the mattress by us, and appear in our
up! I AM working!" In fact, he was formu- those weighing less than 20 between two trees. The Tem- paid advertisements!
lating his revolutionary bedding ideas pounds also report good Poor-Peddle-It's advanced
which involved stealing space age fibers results, and some have even design doesn't solve this We Stand By Our
from an exhibit at the Smithsonian Museum been able to doze off for sev- problem, but its unique Conditional Guarantee!
and shaping them to look something like a eral minutes of gloriously sticky-side-up cover cuts We'll set up a brand new
mattress. The rest is history! uninterrupted sleep! tossing and turning by an Tem-Poor-Peddle-It Mattress
amazing 83%. It also makes in your bedroom, and even
You've read about it, Our Bed Is The Bed getting out of bed 67% less remove the old bedding. If,
heard about it, Of Tomorrow! likely on the first attempt! after 13 weeks, you don't
Yes, the Tem-Poor-Peddle-It love it, we'll pick it up and
wondered about it, and Mattress is the bed of tomor- It's Self-Ventilating! take it back. And then you
then forgotten about it. row - that is if you order The special micropoopscop- can sleep on the floor,
it today, and pay a HUGE ic structure of our mattress because we certainly will
Now we want you to FedEx shipping charge for material self-ventilates to dis- have thrown out your old
overnight delivery! Otherwise sipate body heat. You'll feel mattress! Then you decide
remember it and buy it it's the bed of next week which is more comfortable,
cooler when you sleep on
so we can stop running (UPS), or the bed of a month one of our mattresses at your floor or our mattress!
from now, if you choose night, especially in rooms Remember, more than
these expensive ads! regular snail mail (USPS). equipped with an air condi- 25,000 doctors, medical
tioning unit cranked up all professionals and sleep clin-
Triple layer of
Pressure relieving the way! ic workers recommend our
two-ply CottoneBe
Gooey Chocolate Filling layer of heavy duty mattress over sleeping on
(Lo Cal version available for tissue paper the floor!
HEAVY sleepers, add $300)

One convenient exorbitant payment!

• No charge for extra charges!
• Free billing!

Memory cells OR-PEDDLE-rr

learn every curve PRESSURE RELIEVING MATTRESS
of your body, so (MORE COMFORTABLE THAN SLEEPING ON THE UNEVEN
they'll be angry if LETTERS IN OUR LOGO LIKE THIS UNFORTUNATE LADY)
you gain weight
Generous layer of
non-biodegradable
FREE SAMPLE/FREE VIDEO/FREE INFO
(Add $200 extra if you
don't want your mattress
delivered with all these
plastic packing chips

Recognized
1-888-ZZZ-ZZZZ
cutaway layers) EXPENSIVE PHONE CALL, BECAUSE WE ROUTE IT
by NASA
THROUGH OUR OFFICES OVERSEAS
Tem-Poor-Peddle-It material molds to your We'll help you get to sleep right away by putting you on hold for hours and hours1

body! You must specify if you want it to who is suing us

mold to someone else's body when ordering1. for misrepresentation
A R T I S T : JAMES W A R H O L A WRITER: DICK DEBARTOLO
 CRAP A N D G O W N DEPT.

Ah, graduation day. After twelve years of enduring annoying teachers, nagging principals, poisonous cafeteria
food and traumatic gym class group showers, you'vefinally made it! And how are you rewarded: -—4^111^ Vr^^
With a deadly-dull, meaningless graduation speech delivered by some alumni who's
about as hip and down as Regis Vhilbin at a Wu-Tang concert1.
Even worse, he pretends like life is good from here on in,
instead of givingyou the straight dope about
your impending miserablejourney
into adulthood, as we
in...
 Ladies and And You, t h e C l a s s o f 2 0 0 0 , As you embark
g e n t l e m e n of t h e g r a d u a t i o n is a r e truly special, on your journey
C l a s s of 2 0 0 0 . . . a t i m e for for you a r e t h e into a new era,
T h e f u t u r e is celebration. F I R S T C L A S S of t h e ask yourself:
yours! Like celebrating the new millennium. "What am I taking
Mainly because the fact that YOUR And, more importantly, you're away from my
rest of us don't want school beat the odds the LAST CLASS that will ever high school y e a r s " ?
and didn't have a have to listen to all that A little wisdom...?
anything to do with it! A little maturity...?
single classmate go
Global warming... off the deep end "Bridge to the 21st century" Perhaps a little infection
overpopulation... and mow you all crap from politicians, from that Freshman
biological warfare - down with a TEK-9 advertisers and every who swore he/she
man, it's really in the cafeteria! computer company trying to was a virgin... ?
gonna suck! con a buck out of you!

Whatever else you t a k e away, you're taking away a n

i m p o r t a n t piece of p a p e r called t h e high school diploma!
. Which, thanks to decades of dumbing down by our nation's educators, has about as much
| j j value as a Bill Clinton promise! Not that that matters, because all the jobs you'll be competing
for won't be worth a flying ##<feA@* anyway! Did somebody say "McDonald's"?

Once you have the diploma Whatever

% in h a n d , p e o p l e will tell y o u t o T h e g l o r y of s u c c e s s is t h e r e , you decide
r e a c h for t h e s t a r s — t o strive w a i t i n g f o r y o u t o g r a b it!
t o do, hold
to be the best you can be. Actually, the "glory of success" is waiting to onto your
Those people are idiots, 'cause you be grabbed by, like, 2% of your classmates - dreams...
could study for the next 1,000 years, but the really geeky ones who actually did their They might
unless you miraculously happen to have homework - who might buck the trend and provide some
super-skills (and you don't) there's not achieve fame, wealth and power... only to be meager bit of
a chance in Jiell you'll be the next Michael struck down in the prime of their lives by comfort after
cancer, an early heart attack, a car crash or the world
Jordan, Bill Gates or Steven Spielberg. a run-in with someone from, the other 98% in
Face it, your "best" will be sponging off has beaten
a bar fight. So you see, life IS fair after aU! you down!
Mom and Dad for as long as possible!

. . . a n d n e v e r b e a f r a i d t o t r y a n d , p e r c h a n c e , t o fail.
'Cause no matter how bad you blow it, at least you ivon't be as pathetic as these geezers in
the front row from the classes of '29, '30, and '31 ivho have nothing better to do than fill
their few remaining days by coming back to their old high school and spending three hours
in a pair of damp Depends -just to get some cheap applause for not having croaked yet!

...let m e j u s t say: good luck. I h o p e

I n c l o s i n g , s i n c e I'm s u r e a m y a d v i c e will b e of v a l u e t o y o u .
f e w of y o u a r e i n a h u r r y t o Although I doubt it, 'cause if I were any good at
meet your future head-on... this sort of thing, I'd be sitting on my ass at
In a fatal drunk driving home, collecting royalties like that putz with that
accident after getting tanked at "sunscreen" poem thing a few years back, instead
the post-graduation party... of gazing out upon this sea ofzits, barely making
 JOKE A N D D AGGER D EPT.

38 A R T I S T A N D W R I T E R : PETER KUPER
 LETTERS ENTERTAIN YOU DEPT.
The dictionary defines an anagram as "a word or phrase formed by rearranging the letters of another." Most anagrams are
nonsense ("carthorse," for example, is an anagram of "orchestra" and "wholesome" becomes "shoe me low"), but some-
times, just sometimes, anagrams can tell us more. A lot more. A lot, lot, lot more. A whole heckuva lot more! Anyway, here's...

JLnagrams
SERGE IN GENERAL DEPT.

tmm

ARTIST A N D W R I T E R : SERGIO ARAGONES 41

 ', "'

w
 M O U R N INC NEWS DEPT.

In earlier issues we've documented the deaths of the Energizer Bunny, Spuds MacKenzie and
numerous other merchandising characters. Now, a new crop of corporate mascots has emerged,
and MAD is more than willing to commemorate their passing with...

STILL MORE for

SStOAMBS
MERCHANDISING CHARACTERS
I

JUAN VALDEZ, 4 1 ,
DIES IN COLOMBIA
Juan Valdez, a Colombian a month, required at least his collapse and death.
coffee worker, collapsed and twenty cups of coffee per Valdez is survived by his
died today while picking day to stay awake and keep donkey, Pablo, his wife,
beans. He was 41, though pace on the job. This diet led Maria and fourteen chil-
years of working in the fields to coffee nerves, then to dren, all of whom share a
made him look much older. "caffeine frenzy," a common one-room dirt-floor hut. He
"The plantation owners killer among Colombian was the grandson of the late
worked him fourteen hours coffee workers. El Exigente, who died under
a day, seven days a week In recent years, Valdez was similar conditions several
under a blazing sun," said a forced to keep up with the years ago.
co-worker, who refused to demand for more exotic In order to defray the costs
give his name out of fear of coffees, such as Mocha of his funeral, a contribution
losing his job. Valencia, Espresso Con cup will be placed at the
It is believed that Valdez, Panna and Narino Supremo. cash register of all Star-
who was paid eleven dollars These added pressures led to bucks nationwide.
ARTIST: SCOTT BRICHER W R I T E R : F R A N K JACOBS 45
 TACO BELL
CHIHUAHUA DIES OF
DIGESTIVE DISORDER
The Taco Bell Chihuahua died today
from a severe digestive disorder, s. y r * ^ P
brought on by a lifetime diet of tacos
• «
and burritos. A hospital spokesman
MAYTAG REPAIRMAN, 67,
DIES IN REFRIGERATOR
I R e m a i n s of t h e Maytag
Repairman, 67, were discov-
ered today trapped inside a
refrigerator. He h a d b e e n dead
for several months.
"We're n o t very surprised,"
said a c o m p a n y executive.
"Never h a v i n g b e e n called
before to repair a refrigerator,
h e h a d n o idea what h e was
doing. We'd have never known
h e died if it h a d n ' t been for
said the spicy foods caused constant t h e wailing of h i s basset
heartburn and bloating and eroded hound."
the lining of his stomach. I n a similar accident sev-
According to friends, the last words eral y e a r s ago, the Mayta
of the spokespooch were "Yo quiero R e p a i r m a n suffered b r o k e n
Taco Bell? Ay Chihuahua, no mas!" bones a n d internal injuries
A company official today denied ,,
" " > - peering
while fr- into a washer
rumors that the pup's remains will a m i n g the spin cycle. attend. He will be buried in an
Not surprisingly,1
be ground into burrito filling. - " "Theloneli- u n m a r k e d grave.
Funeral services will be held tomor- est m a n in town leaves n o "He'd have wanted it t h a t
row. Pawbearers include Mighty Dog, survivors. His funeral will be way," the executive said.
Rex the Wonder Dog, Ubu, Nipper private with n o n e expected to
and Chipper and descendants of the
late Spuds MacKenzie.

. v~ ? - ;->—. ^ ^ ^ ^ '
=>^fe~v
''*-.
BETTY CROCKER DEAD AT 88
Baking legend Betty
Crocker, 88, died today one of those half-baked
while undergoing her operations that just didn't If
eleventh face-lift in pan out."
years. fifty Crocker left no survivors.
"We thought the proce- Her adopted son, the
dure would be a piece of Pillsbury Doughboy, died
several years ago in MAD
c a k e , " said a hospital issue 274.
spokesman, "but it turned
out to be a recipe for disas- Crocker's body has been
ter. She developed an taken to a local funeral
unbeatable yeast infection home where she will be
and soon we couldn't get a cremated in an oven pre-
rise out of her. I guess it was heated to 350 degrees.
•A-V"

46 fcfe . >*:;
 PIZZA EMPEROR
LITTLE C A E S A R
A SSA SSIJVA TED
Little Caesar, of "Pizza,
pizza" fame, was assassin- mahi-mahi in Bora Bora,
ated in his toga on the Ides according to doctors who
of March, it was learned treated him for double
today. The self-styled pizza pneumonia after perform-
emperor was stabbed twice ing a double heart bypass
complicated by a double
with a double-edged sword hernia.
by co-workers fed up with
his double-talk. Funeral services will be
Caesar, 22, had recently held in Walla Walla. Pall-
recovered from a severe bearers include Zsa Zsa
case of beriberi, suffered Gabor, Boutros-Boutros
when he doubled over in Ghali, Dee Dee Myers,
pain while dancing the members of Duran Duran,
cha-cha after dining on and Toni and Tony of the
group Tony Toni Tone.
W — • ,}.;

~
^ ^
' - » # - - > _ ,-

DPTC COM SOCK PUPPET FOUND

5 2 5 r 7 l £ u LAUNDROMAT
The beloved Sock Puppet, spokes-
dog, er, sock, er, puppet for the
Internet pet supply seller Pets.com
was declared dead today after his
woolen body was found behind the
dryer. The smart-aleck canine had
been missing since Tuesday when he
was mistakenly tossed in with a bas-
ket of dirty clothes headed for the
Laundromat. A Pets.com executive
said, "It's tragic, but hey, everyone
loses a sock in the laundry now and
i$ then, right?"
Company attempts to replace Sock
Puppet with a calf-length argyle in
their commercials have not been met
with enthusiasm. "Let's face it, this
new guy has no socks appeal," said
Gary Manfish, president of the Sock
Puppet Fan Club.
Funeral arrangements have not yet
been finalized. Sock Puppet is sur-
vived by a Right Hand who has
remained in seclusion in a pants
pocket since hearing the tragic news.

47
 GRIEVING LAS VEGAS DEPT.

MAD-s
REliEBRITy GPUSE-OF-DEHTH

Our team of crack oddsmakers gives you the latest Vegas line on how one
of today's biggest stars will use his last lifeline!

THIS MONTH'S FUTURE RECIPIENT OF THE FINAL ANSWER:

sdti

^S^?^'

REGIS PHILBIN
CAUSE OF DEATH ODDS
Burst blood vessel in throatfrom ^
yelling every other word for no reason 1 *.
Slits own wrists rather than listen to yet „
another on-air "pity me" speech by Katnie Lee 51
Pummeled to death by Notre Dame football
team for pestering them during halftime -
with lame "win one for the Regis" speech 6«
Heart attack from running all over _'\ r
Letterman's studio for stupid cameo 35^ 1
Falls down steps of St. Patrick's Cathedral
after daily thanks to God "for making .
a marginal talent like me a big star" 50 *1
Smothered in gratitude by weasel
network execs for saving ABC's disastrous ^ _ r\r\r\ nnn
season with Millionaire game show 300,000,00011

ARTIST: HERMANN MEJIA

WRITER: MIKE SNIDER
'"M"!' fetew^i S*^

I&MAM'
 HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS
VHAT ROCKER
IS EVERYONE
SICK OF
AD FOLD-I
Nothing is more pathetic than a performer whose time has
come and gone but who continues to linger on the public
ISTENING TO? stage singing the same sad songs. To find out who just about
everyone is tired of listening to, simply fold page in as shown.
FOLD PAGE OVER LEFT - ^ T J FOLD BACK SO THAT "A" MEETS "B

TODAY'S FANS WOULD RATHER HEAR A

JOHANN SEBASTIAN BACH ORATORIO THAN LISTEN
TO THE UNPLEASING SOUNDS FROM SOME
ROWDY PRIMA DONNA. NOTHING MAKES FANS SICKER
^ ^ ARTiST AND WRITER: A t JAFFEE ^ *
 P5IB0MSUIY

ARTIST: TOM BUNK WRITER: MICHAEL CALLA6HER