Bert’s Practically Useless Items

“Now including pets and spells!”

by Jia Jian Tin

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 i

Bert’s Practically Useless Items

You should have a goblin on the Senate and just
I appreciate any reviews and feedback for this
name him Bert or something like that
document! Post them on the DMs Guild, give it a 5
Dominic Alvernaz, 2017
star! ☺

Introduction Version: 1.4 (Updated January 21st, 2020)

Bert the Goblin is a proud Senate member in the new
and reformed city of Hillsfar. While he is most famous Lead Designer: Jia Jian Tin
for his potions, he also has other… less useful products
he sells to his favorite costumers. Those lovely bards who have given me inspiration for
items:
NPCs of Hillsfar Sueshep Shepherd
Interested to learn more about the City of Hillsfar
writers in Fresno, California are creating (mainly for Arts and Images:
Adventurers League)? Download the NPCs of Hillsfar Bert’s Potion Shop Logo: Dave Koo
document from DM Guild for free!
https://www.dmsguild.com/product/253214/NPCs-of-
Hillsfar-Fresno-CCC

Purpose of this Document

Bert the Goblin started out as a joke character on the
Senate when I was designing the new Senate for
Hillsfar for our Community Created Content here in
Fresno, California. I wanted the new Senate to be
inclusive and diverse and a friend of my jokingly said,
“You should have a goblin on the Senate and just name
him Bert or something.”
After Bert was created, I slowly grew very fond of
the character. A humor based character can easily be
used to tackle more sensitive and tough topics in the
current world. Thus, I began writing an elaborate
backstory for the goblin and more and more
adventures were born through him. Now he runs a
potion business while somehow having a storage of
odd magic items and devices. There should only be
one for each of his unique magic items in the world but
you are the DM so do whatever pleases you and your
players.
Bert is also known for organizing parties (see CCC-
ELF-01 Life’s A Party) and adventuring workshop to
introduce inexperienced adventurers to basics of
adventuring in CCC-BWM-06 Introduction to
Adventuring (Releasing on the DM Guild mid 2019).
There are currently twenty-one unique and
practically useless magic items in this document. I will
add to the list whenever someone or something
inspires me to make a new item! Treat this document
as a brochure for Bert’s items with him advertising
them to you or your players.
 iii

Table of Content

Weapons and Staves 1

Armors 3

Cloaks and Hoods 4

Boots 6

Helmets 7

Gloves 9

Rings 10

Non-wearables 12

Potions 15

Pets 16

Spells 19

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Bert’s Practically Useless Items
 1

A Rewarding Roleplaying Experience

Weapons and Staves This bow doesn’t really fit into the circumstantially
useful or useful to non-adventurer categories.
I would never sell any of these items! Remember, my
However, this bow was created during one of my
shop does not sell weapons! But, if you were a really
homebrew campaigns for a druid who really enjoyed
good friend, I might present one of these circumstantially bows and was disappointed there was a lack of magical
useful items to you! bows in the Dungeon Masters Guide. So, I created this
for her. She went out of her way to care for the bow.
Discuss with your players and I think you can get an
Living Bow amazing experience playing with this item. ☺
Weapon (longbow), unique (requires attunement)

Cost: Only as a gift.

Sales pitch: This bow is alive! Literally! With just a

little love and caring the bow produces magical
arrows for you! I’m not into slavery and all that, I’m
not from the south. So I’m not going to sell you a
living being! But if you really want it, a favor or two
and I could see myself parting with this marvelous
bow.

Mechanics: The bow can be used as a magical bow,

but it provides no bonus to attack or damage. When
attuned to the bow you have advantage when
interacting with woodland beings.
One end of the bow has roots while the other end
has leaves growing out of it. The bow must receive at
least one hour of direct sunlight a day. The root end
of the bow must spend at least one hour a day in wet
soil. If the bow is not cared for, it gains a -1 penalty
to attack and damage for the next day, up to a -3,
before it withers and dies.
If the bow was cared for continuously for ten
days, it produces a +3 arrow that can only be fired
from this bow. The shot from this bow with the
arrow will always hit, ignores cover including total
cover, but is still limited by the bow’s range (600 ft.).
This particular attack always scores a critical hit and
always score maximum damage. Once shot, the
arrow is no longer magical. If not used within two
hours, the arrow withers and becomes useless.
Curse. This bow is cursed. If this bow withers and
dies under your care, all woodland beings treat you as
hostile. This curse cannot be removed short of a
Wish spell.

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Bert’s Practically Useless Items
 2

Hammer of Injustice Dagger of Love

Weapon (Maul), unique (requires attunement) Weapon (dagger), unique (requires attunement)

Cost: Only as a gift. Cost: Only as a gift.

Sales pitch: Similar to all my magical weapons, this Sales pitch: Not really my type of weapon but this
Maul functions as any other regular magical Maul. It dagger allows you to manipulate another person’s
does have a unique property to it that I would say is mind. When used correctly it results in your target
really only useful to dwarves… It is rather hard to falling deeply in love with you! Otherwise, it
explain. functions as a magical dagger to bypass resistance of
other creatures, that’s always useful right?
Mechanics: The maul can be used as a magical maul.
It provides no bonus to attack or damage. You do not Mechanics: The dagger can be used as a magical
need to be attuned to the maul to use it as a magical dagger. It provides no bonus to attack or damage.
weapon. You do not need to be attuned to the dagger to use it
The maul is sentient and contains the spirit of an as a magical weapon.
old dwarf. However, the dwarf does not speak to the While attuned to the dagger you may use its
wielder but influences the wielder’s personality. special property. When you successfully stabbed a
While attuned to the maul the wielder because creature and severely damage their heart, the
addicted to gambling and placing bets. creature becomes charmed by you. The creature
When you are attuned to the maul and lose a bet regards you as its true love while they are charmed.
or a gambling game, the maul curses the creature The charmed can never be broken, until death.
that bested you. Whenever you strike a cursed
creature with this maul you always do maximum
damage. The maul never forgets and has no limits to
the number of creatures it can curse. The curse can
be detected by a DC 20 Intelligent (Religion) check,
Clerics of Moradin has advantage on this check. The
curse can be removed from the creature by a Remove
Curse spell but the attunement to the hammer is also
broken.

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Bert’s Practically Useless Items
 3

Armors Armor of Glimmering

Armors are the most important part of adventuring! Armor (medium or heavy), Uncommon
If you do not protect yourself, it does not matter how
pretty your sword or bow is! Buy one of my special Cost: 750 gold pieces + price of armor
magical armor
Sales pitch: The only armor you will ever need to
standout among your fellow adventurer!
Plate Armor of Vengeance
Mechanics: The armor sheds bright light in a 30-foot
Armor (Plate), Unique radius and dim light for an additional 30 feet. The
light changes color every seven seconds cycling
Cost: 5,000 gold pieces through the colors of the rainbow.

Sales pitch: This is a set of beautifully crafted plate

armor, most likely by the dwarfs considering what it
does. I don’t remember where I found it or from who
did I took it off. It works just like any regular plate
armor, except it is magical. No more running from
oozes or rust monster! Why is it so expensive you
ask? It has an extra protection feature, but it is quite
hard to explain. Just, don’t worry about it, it’s not
important.

Mechanics: While wearing the armor, you gain the

regular benefit to AC from wearing a Plate Mail. The
armor is magical.
When you take damage that reduces you to 0 hit
points, the armor doffs instantly and animates into an
Animated Armor. The Animated Armor will attack
the source of the damage until the source is
destroyed or you become conscious again, whichever
happens first. If the Animated Armor is reduced to 0
hit points, it falls to the ground and becomes
unconscious for 1 minute before reanimating. The
armor cannot be destroyed by any means. The armor
does not don when you regain consciousness, you
must put it back on regularly.
For example, if a bandit strikes you and you fall
unconscious the armor will animate and fight the
bandit. If you trip, fall off a bridge, and become
unconscious, the armor will animate and murder you.

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Bert’s Practically Useless Items
 4

Cloaks and Hoods Cloak of Mirages

Often ignored by new adventurers, cloaks and hoods Wondrous item, Unique
are essential to the adventuring life! Get one of my
cloaks or hoods for your loved ones or yourself! Cost: 1,500 gold pieces

Cloak of Theft Diversion Sales pitch: This cloak is like any other cloak.
However, when you remain still, it changes color and
Wondrous item, Unique (requires attunement) blends into the environment! Like a chameleon! If
you like to be stealthy this is a must have!
Cost: 5,000 gold pieces
Mechanics: The cloak color changes to fit the
Sales pitch: The elegant handmade cloak provides the background, but only when the individual remains
same benefits those elven stuff gives you! It helps still and is well hidden. When you gain advantage for
you hide! But, unlike those elves I do not encourage Dexterity (Stealth) rolls due to environmental factors
theft! There is a built-in system in this cloak to (i.e., dim light etc), you gain advantage for Dexterity
prevent just that! If you know a friend or party (Stealth) rolls! [Remember, advantage does not stack
member who loves to steal, this would be the perfect in 5th Edition].
gift! Behavioral training is best when there is The cloak is unaffected by sudden changes in the
consistent and immediate punishment! environment. For example, if you were hiding in the
bush and someone shines a light through the area, it
Mechanics: At first glance the cloak looks just like conceals you, giving creatures disadvantage when
like a regular Cloak of Elvenkind. However, detail making Wisdom (Perception) checks to spot you using
inspection reveals that it clear has a different maker, sight.
though the quality is on par if not better. The cloak is also easily loss because it blends into
While you wear this cloak with its hood up, whatever surface it is resting on.
Wisdom (Perception) checks made to see you have
disadvantage, and you have advantage on Dexterity
(Stealth) checks made to hide, as the cloak’s color
shifts to camouflage you. Pulling the hood up or
down requires an action. This item never gets dirty.
While wearing the cloak, every time you succeed
on a Dexterity (Sleight of Hand) check to steal from
another creature, the cloak lashes onto you and
cannot be removed by any means. The cloak begins
to glow brightly, shedding bright light in a 120-foot
radius and dim light for an additional 60-foot. The
cloak also announces your presence with the
following phrase, “Bert’s Potion Shop! We don’t sell
weapons! We are located near the Hydra’s Den
tavern! We also don’t encourage stealing and we
have found a thief! Come and arrest him!” This
announcement can be heard clearing by any creature
within 120 ft. The cloak will glow brightly and repeat
this phrase for 1 hour. The light and announcement
are unaffected by magic or anti-magic effects.

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Bert’s Practically Useless Items
 5

Cape of Stubbornness
Wondrous item, Unique

Cost: 2,000 gold pieces

Sales pitch: This cape is the cape every adventurer

need! This bright red cape will help others spot you
and make you the most noticeable hero among other
lesser heroes! A sailor once told me this was one of
my best inventions ever! What are you waiting for?
All the fame and glory for just 2,000 gold pieces!

Mechanics: While wearing this cloak, you gain no

benefits, at all. The cloak billows dramatically against
the direction of the wind. The stronger the wind, the
harder it billows against it.
Under specific circumstances it can be a hindrance
or a benefit. If you are walking against the wind, the
cape billows against it, pushing you forward negating
effects the strong wind may have on your movement
speed. If you are walking along strong wind the cape
billows in the opposite direction, removing any
benefit your movement speed may gain. If a Cloud
Giant blows you away, the cape will instead drag you
towards the giant. If a tornado is pulling you into the
storm, the cape will billow you away from the
tornado.
Alternatively, you can use this cape on a small
boat as a sail to go the opposite direction of the wind.
It is quite useful when used in this manner.

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Bert’s Practically Useless Items
 6

Boots
Protection of the feet is only second to the protection
of your heart! Grab one of my specially made boots
now!

Boots of Walking
Wondrous item, Unique

Cost: 3,500 gold pieces

Sales pitch: These boots are made from shark skin

from only the finest sharks found in the ocean! The
black colored leather will help you blend into the
wilderness and reduce cleaning time too! You know
how sharks can’t stop swimming? These boots make
you walk non-stop! Have an unconscious ally? Put
these boots on them! Have a grandma that cannot
walk anymore but needs exercise? Put these boots
on them! Get it before someone else does!

Mechanics: Only humanoids can wear these boots.

While wearing the boots, you walk consistently at a
pace of 15 feet a turn regardless of your speed. You
still have control of the direction you walk in but not
the speed. You cannot sit down, jump, lay down, or
anything else. You must keep walking.

Disclaimer: Only a small percentage (less than 100%)

of users have died from exhaustion due to the lack of
creativity when it comes to taking the shoes off.

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Bert’s Practically Useless Items
 7

Helmets Wok of Fire Resistance

Protection of the head is only second to the Wondrous item, Unique
protection of your heart! Grab one of my specially
made helmets now! Cost: 5,000 gold pieces

Helmet of Mind Shielding Sales pitch: It may look ridiculous to wear a wok on
top on your head but nobody will be laughing when
Wondrous item, Unique (requires attunement) you’re the only one who survived the fire! Because
they all died in the fire!!! Get it? Get it?
Cost: 75,000 gold pieces
Mechanics: This wok can be used as any other wok,
Sales pitch: This helmet is craved from a special for cooking though it takes much longer to heat up.
maroon-colored mithril. Legend has it that a master However, if you wear it on your head, it grants you
high elf crafted this helmet specially for a human resistances to fire damage. At the end of every
transmutation wizard to fight his sworn brother, a round, you must make a DC13 Dexterity (Acrobatics)
powerful enchantment wizard. I don’t really know check to maintain balance and keep the wok on top
what the helmet does but when Identify is casted on of your head. On the other hand, you can just tie it
the helmet, it is known as the Helmet of Mind down and wear it like a hat.
Shielding.

Mechanics: While wearing this helmet, you are

immune to magic that allows your sworn brother to
read your thoughts, determine whether you are lying,
know your alignment, or know your creature type.

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Bert’s Practically Useless Items
 8

Hair Pin of Invulnerability Hair Pin of Memory

Wondrous item, Unique Wondrous item, Unique

Cost: 1,500 gold pieces Cost: 500 gold pieces

Sales pitch: This beautiful hair pin was found in a pill Sales pitch: Need a reminder for yourself during a
of dust and hair in the dungeon. While busy adventuring day? Look no further than this
experimenting with it, I have discovered you can have amazingly bland hair pin! It reminds you of whatever
the hair pin assume the appearance of any object you task you have to do!
want! It also seems to protect your hair! Very useful
for weddings and parties. Mechanics: The hair pin stores up to three one-
word-message a day. At dawn, a character can use
Mechanics: While wearing this hair pin, you can an action to store up to three one-word-message.
speak the pin’s command word and cause the pin to The hair pin would repeat at specific time of the day;
assume the appearance of any suitable head exactly at the eleventh hour, the seventeenth hour,
accessories. You decide what it looks like, including and twenty-second hour of the day.
color, style, and material. The illusory appearance For example, you may store, “Bake” at the
lasts until you use this property again or remove the eleventh hour to remind yourself you have a baking
hair pin. class! The hair pin would repeat the command back
While wearing the armor, your hair is also to you at exactly at the eleventh hour of the day.
invulnerable and cannot be damaged or destroyed by
anything. It also allows you to mentally style your
hair in any manner. Your hair will stay in the shape of
your choice and can never be change by anyone but
yourself.
Curse. This hair pin can never be removed, until
death. Now you know how Captain Price kept his hat
on the whole time.

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Bert’s Practically Useless Items
 9

Gloves
Whether it is to protect your hands or assist your grip
my gloves will help you do at least one of them!

Gloves of Ledgermen
Wondrous item, Unique

Cost: 5,000 gold pieces (free if you are from the

Ledgerman family)

Sales pitch: These gloves help that town crier do his

job flawlessly! Nothing much else you need to say
about them! You can’t go adventuring without first
filling out the paperwork!

Mechanics: While wearing these gloves, you never

make mistake when filling out paperwork. This
means you also can not lie and will always be truthful
when filling out paperwork.

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Bert’s Practically Useless Items
 10

Rings
Rings are the most common form of storage for magical
powers! Get one of my rings to discover the unending
joy of their abilities!

Ring of Divination
Ring, Unique

Cost: 500 gold pieces

Sales pitch: This ring tells you about the future! And
it is never wrong! Why is it so cheap? Well I’m a
goblin! I don’t need to know the future!

Mechanics: While wearing this ring, you know

exactly when it will be stolen from you.

No, seriously, that’s it.

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Bert’s Practically Useless Items
 11

Ring of Savory Ring of Supreme Healing

Ring, Unique (require attunement) Ring, Unique (require attunement)

Cost: 2,500 gold pieces Cost: 5,000 gold pieces

Sales pitch: This ring is the best for anyone who Sales pitch: This ring is a must have! It rewards
either can’t cook to safe their live or want to free up proactive adventurers with a fountain of healing! The
some space in their travelling bag! most important resource for any adventurer is their
life? What can be better than something that ripples
Mechanics: While wearing the ring, any meat-based the healing you receive? It also has an additional
food always taste well salted. property that protects you from all damage!

Mechanics: While wearing the ring, all magical

healing you receive is tripled. However, you also
receive the benefits of the healing 18 seconds later (3
rounds).
You may speak the ring’s command word to
activate a magical protection. After exactly one hour
of speaking the commend word, you are immune to
all damage for 6 seconds (1 round). Once you use
this property, it can’t be used again until 10 days have
passed.

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Bert’s Practically Useless Items
 12

Non-wearable Items Book of Lore

This are amazingly useful items when the time is right. Wondrous item, Unique (requires attunement)
But you shouldn’t try to wear them, ever.
Cost: 7,500 gold pieces
Balloon Marker
Sales pitch: The Book of Lore has tons of lore!!!
Wondrous item, Unique (requires attunement)
Every monster creature has an array of stats and this
book contains a wealth of information on all
Cost: 2,500 gold pieces
monsters in the realm!
Sales pitch: This strange looking air pump produces
Mechanics: A character can hold the Book of Lore up
balloons of any shape or color. Especially fun at kids’
to a monster and perform a magical ritual for 10
party!
minutes. Upon completion of this ritual the Book of
Lore provides the character with information
Mechanics: While holding the Balloon Marker, as an
regarding the monster as if the character has casted
action you can spend a charge to create a balloon out
Legend Lore on the monster.
of nothing. By imagining a tiny object or creature
Alternatively, when a monster is killed, the Book
(e.g., a puppy) and its color, the balloon of the right
of Lore absorbs and traps its soul within the book,
shape and color appears in your hand.
The balloon will exist for a full tendays before revealing the same information as if Legend Lore was
transforming into the actual object the creator was casted on the monster.
thinking of for 1 minute. It then disappears from The Book of Lore also store this information for
existence. future use. If the character as successful killed or
The Balloon Marker has 20 charges and regains 2d8 performed the ritual on a monster in the past, it
+ 4 expended charges daily at dawn. retrieves the information automatically.
The Book of Lore often prompts the user to
“collect’em all!”

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Bert’s Practically Useless Items
 13

Automated Tiny Violin Compass of Protection from Death

Wondrous item, Unique (requires attunement) Wondrous item, Unique (requires attunement)

Cost: 7,500 gold pieces Cost: 50,000 gold pieces

Sales pitch: This violin is the tiniest violin in this Sales pitch: This is a must have for all married folks!
plane of existence! It can provide ambience music to I can not tell you how many times this amazing
your adventuring party! For a small price, your party compass has saved my life! Remember the legend of
bard can bring exploration and combat to the next the pirate with the compass that points to what his
level! heart desires? This compass does something similar!
But better!
Mechanics: While attuned to this tiny violin, it plays
music in nine different moods depending on the Mechanics: While attuned to this compass, if you are
mood of the creature attuned to it. Mysterious, married, the red arrow on the compass points
inspirational, uplifting, triumphant, dramatic, towards your mother-in-law while the black arrow
catastrophic, intense, depressed, and mischievous. points towards your father-in-law.
There is a special mode that can be activated by The compass also provides information such as
speaking its command word, “Let me play you the distance from you, speed your in-laws are approaching
world’s tiniest violin.” The violin begins playing the “I you at, and their current mood. The compass ignores
couldn’t care less” ambience music. magic that prevent scrying or magical detection.

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Bert’s Practically Useless Items
 14

Closet of Unconditional Positive Table of Eternal Sandwich

Regards Wondrous item, Unique
Wondrous item, Unique
Cost: 15,000 gold pieces
Cost: 15,000 gold pieces
Sales pitch: This table generate any amount of
Sales pitch: This closet does not store any attire. sandwich with any topping of your choice, fresh and
Instead, it contains infinite amount of positivity! Visit instant! The only problem, the table is huge! 60 feet
it once a day and be bask in the love and kindness! long and 20 feet wide and weights 10,000 pound!
The sandwich must be consumed at this table or it
What? Stolen from a teenage witch? Bah! I have no will explode violently.
idea what you are talking about.
I could solve world hunger with this? Oh please,
Mechanics: The wooden closet is made from we could solve world hunger by grinding roaches into
expensive redwood with carving resembling ancient jell-o bars to! I’m a D… Goblin! I don’t have time for
human civilization. that.
When opened, the closet appears to praise or
expressing unconditional positive regard to the Mechanics: When seated at the table, a character
creature standing in front of it. Voices of multiple can spend an action, and verbally command the table
different humanoid speak out saying things like, “We to create a sandwich with any bread, meat, and
love you!” “You’re amazing!” “We care for you!” “We toppings of their choice (within 6 seconds). The
know you can do it!” as their hands reach out to try sandwich will appear in front of the character six
to hug the creature. seconds later.
This closet provides no mechanic benefit but is If the character leaves the table with the
rumored to help with depression and self-esteem sandwich, it explodes immediately dealing (42) 12d6
issues. Fire damage to anyone within 30 feet of the
sandwich.

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Bert’s Practically Useless Items
 15

Potions
Potions! My specialty! While most adventurers think
potions are only for them but NO! I serve a wide
population of customers!

Potion of Forgetfulness
Potion, Unique

Cost: 10 gold pieces

Sales pitch: That Lux lady thinks her drinks can help
you be happy? Try this! It has proven results and no
side effects! NO SIDE EFFECTS! None at all, if you don’t
drink more than one a day.

Mechanics: The potion taste like the best alcohol

anyone has ever consumed. It tuned itself to suit the
preference of the drinker.
When consumed, the potion reshapes your
memory. The potion affects your memory of a sad
event that you experience within the last 24 hours
and that lasted no more than 10 minutes. The
memory is permanently eliminated.
If a creature consumes more than one Potion of
Forgetfulness within the same day, the creature must
make a DC17 Constitution saving throw. The DC
increases by 5 for each extra drink per day. On a fail
the creature becomes poisoned. This condition
ignores immunities and cannot be removed by any
means, except through 8 hours of sleep. After 8
hours of sleep the creature gains 3 levels of
exhaustion but the poisoned condition is removed.
The creature also remembers all memories forgotten
through any past consumption of Potion of
Forgetfulness.

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Bert’s Practically Useless Items
 16

Ace, the Husky

Pet Medium beast, Chaotic Neutral
Adventuring is fun but it is ‘funer’ when done with furry
companions! You can travel the lands with some of Armor Class 12
these old friends of my, but you will have to care for Hit Points 131 (18d8 + 2)
them! Speed 50 ft.

Ace, the Husky STR

23 (+6)
DEX
17 (+3)
CON
14 (+2)
INT
11 (+0)
WIS
16 (+3)
CHA
30 (+10)
Companion, unique
Saving Throw Dex +9 Con +8 Wis +9
Upkeep cost: 5 gold pieces per day worth of well- Skills Perception +15, Investigation +12, Intimidation
cooked meat or 10 gold pieces per day worth of +22
rations Senses blindsense, passive Perception 25
Languages Understand all languages but doesn’t speak
Personality and Description: Like any good boy, Ace Expert Investigator. After witnessing his parents
love belly rubs and playing catch. However, he is murdered in a dangerous alley, Ace dedicated his live
more of a cat than a dog. Ace prefers to stay out of to fight crime and became the Material Plane’s best
combat… well, he stays out of everything in general detective. He has double proficiency in Perception,
Investigation, and Intimidation skill.
and just judges you for your incompetence. On a rare
occasion he will decide to show you how the pros do Alert. Ace is always on the lookout for danger and
it. gains a +5 bonus to initiative. Ace would not be
bothered to be surprise. Other creatures don’t gain
Mechanics: Ace, the Husky judges the way you do advantage on attack rolls against Ace as a result of
being hidden from Ace.
things, say things, fight, flirt, everything… When
performing an ability check or attack roll, the DM can Keen Hearing and Smell. Ace has advantage on
choose to give you disadvantage because of Ace’s Wisdom (Perception) checks that rely on hearing or
judgement. smell.
Pounce. If Ace moves at least 20 feet straight towards a
During combat, the second time you are knocked creature and then hits it with a claw attack on the
unconscious, Ace let’s out a loud bark stunning the same turn, that target must succeed on a DC 20
enemy that would have knocked you out. He then Strength saving throw or be knocked prone. If the
joins the combat to show you how the pros do it. target is prone, Ace can make one bite attack against it
as a bonus action

Actions
Multiattack. Ace makes three attacks, two with its
claws and one with its bite.

Bite. Melee Weapon Attack: +12 to hit, reach 5 ft., one

target. Hit: 25 (3d10 + 5) piercing damage. If the target
is a creature, it must succeed on a DC 20 Strength
saving throw or be knocked prone.

Claws. Melee Weapon Attack: +12 to hit, reach 5 ft.,

one target. Hit: 17 (2d8 +5) slashing damage.

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Bert’s Practically Useless Items
 17

Bobby, the Cat Chen, the Penguin

Companion, unique Companion, unique

Upkeep cost: at least 1 new glass cup every day and 1 Upkeep cost: Must buy at least one item from her
gold piece worth of food every day.

Personality and Description: Bobby the cat is just Personality and Description: Chen the Penguin is
like any other cat in the world. Except, he mysterious. She does not tell you anything about her
compulsively arranges cups when you rest. Bobby trade or skills. But every night, she reliably shows up
stores his glass cup somewhere… nobody knows with some goods to sell you.
where. But when you rest from your day long of
adventuring, Bobby begins arranging glass cups in an Mechanics: Chen the Penguin will appear the
orderly fashion. If anyone disturbs him or touches moment characters begin a long rest, regardless of
one of his cups when he is doing this, Bobby murders where the characters are located. Chen has three
the individual. randomly selected item from the Player’s Handbook
for sale. Chen sells those items with an extra 5 gold
Mechanics: Bobby the cat uses the statblock of a Cat pieces “tax” for bringing them to the character. Upon
from the Monster Manual (Page 320) but always crits completion of sale, Chen mysteriously disappears.
and does max damage when his cups are disturbed.
If the characters fail to purchase anything from
Chen, she does not show up for the next 30 days. If
the characters continuously purchase something from
her every day she rewards loyal customers with the
following products for sale, replacing one of her
regular item.

Continuous Item Price

Days
10 Potion of 500
Greater
Healing
20 Potion of 750
Heroism
30 Potion of 1500
Speed
40 Potion of 2500
Invisibility
50 Potion of 5000
Supreme
Healing

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Bert’s Practically Useless Items
 18

Lucky Cricket
Companion, unique

Upkeep cost: 100 gold pieces worth of grain a day.

Personality and Description: This lucky cricket loves

singing to the morning wind! People who had it
claimed it bring them luck though most complaint it
ate too much food.

Mechanics: You must dedicate significant attention

and willpower to the lucky cricket and must attune
yourself to it.
When attune to the lucky cricket, you have +1 to
all saving throws and benefit from the Lucky feat. If
you already have the Lucky feat, gain 3 addition luck
points.
The lucky cricket must be fed every day. If the lucky
cricket does not eat for one day, it dies. If the lucky
cricket dies while in your possession you are cursed.
Curse. Your life becomes miserable. You cannot
achieve anything. Anything you attempts fails but
you will never die except of old age.
You have -5 to all ability checks and saving throws.
You have disadvantage on all ability checks and saving
throws. This curse can only be removed by burning
eight hundred and eighty-eight tons of grain as an
offering to the lucky cricket god.

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Bert’s Practically Useless Items
 19

Spells options). The spell brings front the spoken furniture.

The furniture last for 8 hours before disappearing.
The spell summons the furniture from Bert’s
Anticipation warehouse. Though no one knows where the
3rd-level divination (ritual) warehouse is located.
Casting Time: 1 action User Reviews:
Range: Touch Norre the very smart Wizard: My bed disappeared
Components: V, S, M (a drop of morning dew) halfway through the night while I was sleeping on it!
Duration: Instantaneous
Ajahad the Arcane Trickster: Through
Your magic put you in contact with an unknown being experimentation I realize, you’re not creating a
that sounds strangely similar to Bert the Goblin. This furniture. You’re summoning a furniture piece from
being offers you a strangely specific event that would somewhere… A group of us discovered, there’s about
happen to the object or creature you are touching in four chairs, one table, and two beds available at one
the next 30 days. time. If a fifth chair is summoned, the first
disappears.
User Reviews:
Norre the very smart Wizard: The spell told me, the Luthien the prankster wizard: Any wise wizard should
morning of the 26th day from today, I will wake up in have questioned why this spell was not a
my mother’s basement. I already know that! I live transmutation spell but instead a conjuration spell.
there!
Zhentarim agent: The chair comes in very handy!
Guard Captain Jason Le Scott: This spell predicted the
robbery of my favorite donut shop! Blazing Blade
2nd-level transmutation
Awakening Casting Time: 1 action
6th-level enchantment Range: Touch
Casting Time: 1 minute Components: V, S, M (a pinch of volcanic dust)
Range: 1 mile Duration: Up to 10 minute
Components: V
Duration: Instantaneous You touch a nonmagical weapon. Until the spell
ends, that weapon combust in flame. Any creature
Every creature within a one-mile radius is awaken. that comes in contact with the burning weapon takes
1d6 fire damage.
User Reviews:
Drill sergeant: Best spell ever! User Reviews:
Fire Culist Fanatic: Best spell ever!!!! I bath in the
Teenage kid: Worst spell ever! power of our supreme lord as I murder others with
his power!!!!
Bert’s Comfortable Furnitures
1st level conjuration
Casting Time: 10 minutes
Range: 30 feet
Components: V, S, M (a small piece of wood)
Duration: Up to 8 hours, terms and conditions apply

You point to a desire location and say the name of a

furniture you want (Chair, table, or bed are you only

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Bert’s Practically Useless Items
 20

Chrono-canny Gravestone of John the Ranger: Inconvenient

sometimes also means dangerous…
2nd-level chronomancy
Casting Time: 1 action Finger of Life
Range: 10 feet
Components: V, S 6th-level necromancy
Duration: Instantaneous Casting Time: 1 action
Range: 60 feet
You target an object that is cooking. The object is Components: V (a positive compliment towards the
immediately cooked at its current temperature for an target), S
additional 1d12 minutes. Duration: Instantaneous
At higher levels. When you cast this spell using a
spell slot of 3rd level or higher, the time change You send positive energy coursing through an undead
increases by 1d12 for each slot level above 2nd. creature you can see within range, causing it gleeful
joy. The target takes radiant damage equal to its CR
User Reviews: rounded up.
Lucian the Ranger: When used correctly, it safe you An undead killed by this spell rises at the start of
crucial resting time! When used wrongly, it ruins your your next turn as a humanoid as if it was resurrected
meal. by True Resurrection. The resurrected humanoid is
not under your command and will likely not follow
Find Alternative Path your verbal orders to the best of their ability.

5th-level divination User Reviews:

Casting Time: 1 minute Carl the Cleric: When I told the head priest I needed
Range: Self to raise the man as a zombie before I could resurrect
Components: V, S, M (a set of strange goblin runes him, she didn’t believe me…
obtained by mailing 100gp to Bert’s Potion Shop)
Duration: up to 1 day Fortuitous Seasoning
This spell allows you to find the most inconvenient 1st-level transmutation
physical route to a specific location that you are Casting Time: 1 action
familiar with on the same plane of existence. If you Range: 10 feet
name a destination on another plan of existence, a Components: V, S
destination that moves (such as a mobile fortress), or Duration: Instantaneous
a destination that isn’t specific (such as “a green
dragon’s lair”), the spell fails. You target a food object and decide whether to
For the duration, as long as you are on the same season it with salt, sugar, or pepper. A random
plane of existence as the destination, you know how amount of the selected seasoning is magically applied
far it is and in what direction it lies. While you are to the target food object. Amount can be determined
traveling there, whenever you are presented with a by the DM or a dice roll and is impossible to visually
choice of paths along the way, you automatically distinguished.
determine which path is the most inconvenient to the 1 A small pinch
destination. 2 A teaspoon full
3 A tablespoon full
User Reviews: 4 1 lb.
Rexx the Ranger: Inconvenient does not mean
dangerous. User Reviews:
Lucian the Ranger: There’s at least a 50% chance your
meal is no longer eatable.

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Bert’s Practically Useless Items
 21

Led
User Reviews:
5th-level illusion Liam the Cleric: I cast this once a day as my offering to
Casting Time: 1 action this plane!
Range: Touch
Components: S Meanwhile, somewhere else:
Duration: Concentration, up to 1 hour Traumatized Paladin: We were supposed to be the
saviors of those villagers… We led them to the
A willingly target becomes invisible at the same time temple… the undead and demons were barred from
that an illusory double of the target appears where entering… but… but the Hallow effect just ended all
the target is standing. The double lasts for the of a sudden… the screams… I still hear them…
duration, but the invisibility ends if the target attacks
or casts a spell. Proud adventurer: We were defeated by the lich… He
The illusory follows the target persistently and was about to complete his ritual… In a last-ditch
yells out the target’s location. effort, our cleric cried out of her god. At first, nothing
happened… a moment later, the ritual just stopped.
User Reviews: It renewed our hope! Helm has answered our
Ajahad the Arcane Trickster: Range, touch. Enough prayers! That’s how we stopped the ritual!
said.
Material Regeneration
Magic Bees
Transmutation Cantrip
1st-level conjuration (ritual) Casting Time: 1 action
Casting Time: 10 minutes Range: Touch
Range: 120 feet Components: V, S, M (Two lodestones)
Components: V, S, M (empty jar for the honey) Duration: 8 hours
Duration: Instantaneous
This spell repairs a single break or tear in an object
You conjure a swarm of 1d20 mafia bees that robs a you touch over a period of 8 hours, such as broken
targeted bee hive for its honey. Each bee you conjure chain link, two halves of a broken key, a torn cloak, or
increase the chance of successfully robbing the bee a leaking wineskin. You mend it, leaving no trace of
hive by 5% (100% on a roll of 20). The DM the former damage.
determines how much honey was available in the This spell can physically repair a magic item or
hive. construct, but the spell can’t restore magic to such
object. The two parts of the object must remain next
User Reviews: to each other and can not be moved for the duration
Winnie the magically inclined owlbear: Is it stealing if of the spell, otherwise the spell fails.
someone else does it for me?
User Reviews:
Norre the very smart Wizard: This spell is worthless!
Mass Dispel It never works!
7th level abjuration
Casting Time: 1 action Lucian the Barkeep: This spell is the best! I cast it
Range: Unique multiple times on the broken chair, leave it in the
Components: V, S, M (1 vial of hags blood) storeroom, and its repaired for the next night!
Duration: Instantaneous

Seven random spell or magical effects on the plane

you are on ends regardless of the level of the spell.

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Bert’s Practically Useless Items
 22

Moonlight Resurrect Plant

Evocation Cantrip 4th-level transmutation
Casting Time: 1 action Casting Time: 1 action
Range: Touch Range: Touch
Components: V, M (small amount of bones dust) Components: V, S, M (diamonds with 30 gp, which
Duration: 1 hour the spell consumes)
Duration: Instantaneous
You touch one object that is no larger than 10 feet in
any dimension. Until the spell ends, the object shed You touch a plant that has died within the last
bright light in a 10-foot radius and dim light for an century. That plan returns to life. This spell can’t
additional 10 feet. The light is moon like. Completely return to life a plant that has died of old age, nor can
covering the object with something opaque blocks it restore any missing plant parts.
the light. The spell ends if you cast it again or dismiss
it as an action. User Reviews:
Random Druid: While it was a little expensive, it was
If you target an object held or worn by a hostile worth bring Pickle back… he was my emotional
creature, that creature must succeed on a Dexterity support cucumber.
saving throw to avoid the spell.
Summon “Mount”
User Reviews:
2nd-level conjuration
Norre the very smart Wizard: Its really just a dimmer
Casting Time: 10 minutes
version of the Light spell…
Range: 30 feet
Components: V, S
Power Word Change Duration: Instantaneous
9th-level transmutation
Casting Time: 1 minute You summon a random creature within 100 miles that
Range: 300 feet is one size larger than you. The creature appears in
Components: V, S, M (1000gp worth of hay) an unoccupied space within range.
Duration: Instantaneous
User Reviews:
You point your fingers at an object, state the original Bandit: Is it still stealing if I did not intentionally take
color followed up the desire color, then perform the this specific cow?
Batiri goblin dance. At the end of the dance, the
color of the object is permanently changed to your Non-user Reviews:
desired color. Adult red dragon: I was summoned to this farm by
For example, you may point to a tomato and say, some strange humanoids. Well, I got to eat some
“I demand this red tomato become a pink tomato!” humanoids and cattle. But now I must fly home.
At the end of the Batiri goblin dance, the red parts of What an annoyance.
the tomato turn pink. The green leaves on the
tomato are unaffected.

User Reviews:
Luthien the prankster wizard: This is one of the best
prank spells! Though the logistics of transporting
1000gp worth of hay might be a prank on the caster
instead.

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Bert’s Practically Useless Items
 23

Trivia Ajahad the Arcane Trickster: Under specific

circumstances this is the magical spell to deal Wizards
8th-level conjuration who like turning invisible.
Casting Time: 1 action
Range: 60 feet Wall of Forth
Components: V, S
Duration: Concentration, up to 10 minutes 9th-level conjuration
Casting Time: 1 action
You banish a creature that you can see within range Range: Self
into a demiplane of questions. The target remains Components: V, S
there for the duration or until it solves three trivia Duration: Instantaneous
question.
The target can use its action to attempt a trivia A set of dices appear on your palm (1 d20, 1 d12, 2
question. When it does so, the caster (DM or the d10s, 2 d8s, 6 d6s, 1 d4).
player) may provide the target with a Trivia question.
If it successfully answers three questions, the spell User Reviews:
ends. Norre the very smart Red Wizard: I don’t get this at
When the spell ends, the target reappears in the all.
space it left or, if that space is occupied, in the
nearest unoccupied space.

User Reviews:
Norre the very smart Red Wizard: This is a very good
spell! I was trapped in it once and couldn’t get out for
the entire duration! If even I could not get out then
I’m sure no one else can!

Xthar’va the Drow Wizard: Finally a Maze spell that

affects minotaur!

Visibility
2nd-level abjuration
Casting Time: 1 action
Range: 15 feet
Components: V, S, M (small amount of pixies dust)
Duration: Instantaneous

You point your fingers at an invisible creature you can

see within 15 feet of you and yell “Ha! I’ve got you
now!” The invisible creature becomes visible for 1
hour and can not become invisible again until the
time has passed.

User Reviews:
Norre the very smart Red Wizard: I don’t know how
this spell is remotely useful…

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Bert’s Practically Useless Items