Parent Packet

EXERCISE 1

BALANCING RECOVERY, FAMILY, AND WORK

One of the most important parts of recovery is balance in our lives. Three of the most important parts of our lives are (1) recovery activities, (2) family life, and (3) work life. We may find them in conflict, and by trying to do all we feel we should in one area we may neglect the others. This may make balance hard to achieve. Why is balance so difficult? Well, one key characteristic of an addictive lifestyle is lack of balance. In other words, in anything we do, we tend to either go overboard or fail to do enough. 1. What are some ways in which you went overboard and did too much in your life before you began your recovery?

2.

What are some aspects of your life that you neglected before recovery, doing too little?

3.

We often go to extremes in recovery programs too, especially in our early sobriety. If you have seen this in your life, what tells you youre going overboard?

4.

Since we may have neglected our families, we may go overboard with them too. This can cause problemstheyve gotten used to getting along without much help from us, and now we feel theyre shutting us out. On the other hand, our families may feel we continue to neglect them to spend time with our newfound friends and activities in recovery. There may be some truth to this, as some of us get so absorbed in rebuilding our lives at work and in our recovery programs that we still have trouble finding time for our families. If

things have gone either way with your family life, please describe how its out of balance.

EXERCISE 1

5.

With work, too, its easy to get carried away. We want to repair our reputations, and we may also fall into workaholism, a pattern in which we lose ourselves in work the way we used to lose ourselves in drinking, drugging, or other addictions, as a way to numb ourselves. If this happens, we may find we feel we need to put so much into work we resent the demands of both our families and our recovery programs. If you see signs of workaholism in your life, what has happened to make you suspect you are working too much?

6.

Our families are among those who know us best, but they may be too emotionally involved to see clearly how we are doing. The more they understand about what we are doing, the more helpful their feedback will be and the more likely they are to be supportive. How well does your family understand your addiction and your recovery? What parts dont they understand?

7.

How could they be more helpful to you if they understood more about what you are doing?

EXERCISE 1

8.

We may see that our family members could benefit from a support group such as Al-Anon or Ala-Teen. However, they might feel theyve been doing a better job of dealing with life than we have, and resent our seeming to tell them what they need to do. Often, our families stay angry or mistrustful of us for a long time after we begin recovery, and they may be skeptical about any aspect of that recovery including 12-Step groups. Its best not to be pushy. Here are ways many people have helped family and friends understand their recovery programs. a. Ask them to come to meetings with youand explain that you need their help to recover. b.Introduce them to friends from the program, especially your sponsor. c. Take them to program social functions. d.Leave program literature where they can find it and read it. e. Tell them about meetings. f. Introduce them to family members of other members of the program. If for a while they dont seem to understand, believe, or appreciate the change in you, be patient. List here some people who might be able to help you in helping your family and friends to understand your 12-Step program.

9.

Regarding work, this may be easier than you think. Most people with addictions are excellent workers when they are clean and sober, and often find they expect more of themselves than anyone else would ask of them. The chances are that your supervisor already knows about your problem, or at least knows you had some serious problem affecting your work. If you explain what you are doing now to overcome the problem, your supervisor may be supportive, and you might not have to push as hard as you think to regain your good standing on the job, as long as you follow through. List some people who can help you prepare to talk with your supervisor about your recovery and what you need to do to take care of yourself.

Remember, even people who arent newly recovering from addiction have trouble balancing work, family, and self-care in todays world. The fact that youre having difficulty with this doesnt mean youre doing it wrong, it just means that youre human.

EXERCISE 2

UNDERSTANDING FAMILY HISTORY

Its important to understand the role of family history in addictions, not to assess blame but for your own recovery and your familys future. This exercise looks at how family history affects us. 1.

As a child, what did you learn about drinking, drug use, or other addictions in your family?

2.

What problems, if any, did your family have because of these behaviors (e.g., violence, divorce, financial problems, dangerous or illegal activities, or other worries)?

3.

Please describe the typical atmosphere in your family when someone was drinking, using drugs, or engaging in other addictive patterns, and its effects on you then and now.

4.

Here are some common patterns in families struggling with addictions, related to the unspoken rule Dont talk, dont trust, dont feel that develops as other family members, especially children, try to avoid confrontations or disappointment due to the inability of addicted adults to be nurturing and dependable, or to cope with the emotional pain that is the result of that inability. For each pattern, give an example from your childhood and an example of how you can make healthy changes now. a. Dishonesty/denial (1) Childhood example:

EXERCISE 2

(2) Working for healthy change: b.Breaking promises (1) Childhood example: (2) Working for healthy change: c. Isolating/withdrawing (1) Childhood example: (2) Working for healthy change: d.Emotional/physical/sexual abuse and neglect (1) Childhood example: (2) Working for healthy change: e. Influencing others to act in self-destructive ways (1) Childhood example: (2) Working for healthy change: f. Confused roles and responsibilities (e.g., children taking caring of adults, people blaming others for their own actions, etc.) (1) Childhood example: (2) Working for healthy change: 5. What good relationship patterns from your childhood do you want to continue and pass on?

EXERCISE 3

AM I TEACHING MY CHILDREN ADDICTIVE PATTERNS?

For just about all parents, one of our most cherished hopes is to give our children good childhood experiences. Many of us who grew up in families with problems promised ourselves wed do better than our parents were able to do. One of the worst things about addictive patterns is that they, with their complications, tend to be passed on to our children. Think back on your own family history. How many generations back do the patterns go? Do you suppose the generations before you felt the same way, not wanting to pass the problems on to their children? Why did it happen anyway? It seems simply wanting to do better isnt enough. First, we cant teach what we havent had the chance to learn. Second, it may not be obvious that these patterns of thinking, feeling, and behavior are connected with addiction, so we may be setting our children up to repeat our problems without knowing were doing it. In this exercise well look at attitudes and habits of thought that seem to be built into addictive lifestyles, so you can work to break the generational cycle. Please take a look at these patterns, list ways you may have been role-modeling them for your children, and decide what you will do to change each one. 1. Dishonesty. Lying to ourselves and others, stealing, putting on a front, and mind games (e.g., denial, blaming, rationalizing, focusing on looking good over inner qualities). Ways Ive modeled or taught dishonesty to my children: Ways Ill model and teach honesty: 2. Self-centeredness and using people. Putting our own wants ahead of the well-being and feelings of others; manipulation, controlling, and objectifying others. This includes being careless about hurting other people; not trying to see things from the other persons point of view; treating others as tools by conning, bullying, kissing up, deliberate button-pushing, etc. Ways Ive modeled or taught self-centeredness and using people to my children:

EXERCISE 3

Ways Ill model and teach consideration and respect for others: 3. All or nothing thinking. Seeing ourselves, others, and situations in oversimplified extremesperfectionism, calling ourselves or others stupid or bad for normal mistakes, feeling we are either better or worse than everyone else, over-dramatizing normal problems into disasters. Ways Ive modeled or taught all or nothing thinking to my children: Ways Ill model and teach realistic, shades-of-gray thinking: 4. Doing things to excess. Going overboard with using, drinking, eating, spending, work, greed, or any activity, often leading to painful consequences. Ways Ive modeled or taught going to excess to my children: Ways Ill model and teach moderation: 5. Impulsiveness. Lack of self-control, consequences of our actions. not enough attention to the

Ways Ive modeled or taught impulsiveness to my children: Ways Ill model and teach maturity and self-control: 6. Impatience and unrealistic expectations. Expecting instant gratification intolerance for frustration or delays; wishful thinking, perfectionism. Ways Ive modeled or taught impatience to my children: Ways Ill model and teach patience: 7. Isolation from others. Lack of trust, poor communication, loneliness, judging ourselves by different standards (usually harsher) than we apply to everyone else, refusal to ask for help. Ways Ive modeled or taught isolation to my children: Ways Ill model and teach connection to others:

EXERCISE 3

8.

Shame. Low self-esteem, feeling that we are defective/stupid/ugly/crazy/bad, feeling that if we fail at something or do bad things were bad people. Ways Ive modeled or taught shame to my children: Ways Ill model and teach self-respect:

Be sure to bring this handout back to your next therapy session, and be prepared to talk about your thoughts and feelings about the exercise.

EXERCISE 4

WHAT DO I WANT FOR MY CHILDREN?

This assignment will help you strengthen your motivation for recovery by focusing on how your actions affect your childrens lives, both positively and negatively. 1. Think back to your childhood. All of us looked at some of the things our parents (or whoever raised us) did and told ourselves, I want to do the same thing with my children someday. All of us also looked at some of their actions and promised ourselves, I would never do that with my kids. List your personal top five items in each category: a. I want to do the same thing with my children someday.

b.I would never do that with my kids.

2.

Now think about the day you first found out you were going to be a parent, or if you havent had children, your thoughts on this subject now. List your top five goals in adulthood for things you did and didnt want to do with your children. a. I want to do these things with my children.

b.I would never do these things with my children.

EXERCISE 4

3.

If you were strongly affected as a child by the addictive behavior of one or both of your parents, or of some other adult who played an important role in your life, please write briefly about what happened and how you felt about it then.

4.

Please list any ways you intend do better as a parent, present or future, than you have done because of your drinking, drug use, or other addictive behavior.

5.

Now list any parental goals you have which drinking or using might interfere with.

6.

If you see that your addictive behavior will interfere with your chances of giving your children the kind of childhood you want them to have, but you keep drinking or using anyway, what does that tell you about your priorities? If youre acting as if alcohol, another drug, or another addictive pattern is more important to you than your children, please describe your thoughts about this conflict.

7.

If someone you knew put an addictive behavior ahead of his/her ability to be his/

her best as a parent, how would you explain it?

EXERCISE 4

8.

If your children feel you have a problem and you feel you dont, how would you explain this conflict between your values and your actions to them if they asked?

Be sure to bring this handout back to your next therapy session, and be prepared to talk about your thoughts and feelings about the exercise.