Ten Steps To An Amazing INFJ Life
Ten Steps To An Amazing INFJ Life
Ten Steps To An Amazing INFJ Life
BY MELINDA ELLIOTT
Ten Steps to an Amazing INFJ Life is an attempt to capture what I have learned throughout my lifetime as an INFJ as I struggled to be heard, to become courageous, to find my boundaries. Most of the articles include an exercise; all of them include tactics to make the most of the unique qualities that INFJs are blessed with. However, all I know is my little piece of life experience so your contribution is needed. Please use the comments section to add your wisdom and unique perspective.
What can you add? What have you learned about viewing yourself as whole?
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What is the fear (or hurt)? Is there something I can ask someone to find out if my perception of the situation is correct? Using information from the questions above, what is a realistic assessment of the situation? What is important here?
AN EXAMPLE
To help you understand how the process works, here is an example from my life: My friend Michael was coming into town for a class on a Friday and was planning to stay at my house. I had assumed that he was flying in on Thursday afternoon and was prepared to pick him up at that time. On Wednesday evening, he called me and told me that he had decided to take a flight that got in at 8:30 Thursday morning and asked if I would be available to pick him up. My reaction was What? Oh, no! I have plans for the morning through lunch I cannot do this! At that point, I became upset, and felt that he did not care at all that he was imposing on me. If I had taken this situation through the Six Questions, it would have gone something like this: 1. 2. What are the bare facts of the situation? a. Michael was arriving at 8:30 AM on Friday and was asking if I could pick him up. What am I telling myself about it? a. He expected me to pick him up and entertain him all day. He made plans at the last minute without considering how they would affect me. If I dont pick him up hell be abandoned in San Francisco. What is the fear (or hurt)? a. My fear is that hed be mad at me if I couldnt, or wouldnt pick him up. Is there something I can ask someone to find out if my perception of the situation is correct? a. I could ask Michael something like It sounds like youre relying on me to pick you up. Is that true? I realised after the fact that he would have answered something like, No, Im fine, I have other friends in the city that I can hang out with, I just thought it would be fun to spend more time with you. Using information from the questions above, what is a realistic assessment of the situation? a. Michael is fine; he does not need me to pick him up. What is important here? a. That I dont make myself responsible for Michael he can take care of himself.
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I finally realised that the best way to deal with those feelings was to take control of my environment rather than letting it take control of me.
What do these have in common? They are all decisions based on what you like rather than attempts to please others. Make Every Decision That You Can there are some decisions that are yours to make and some that are not. You can have a tremendous impact on your environment just by making the decisions that fall into your realm. Rather than always deferring to others (I dont care where we eat, where you want to go?) make a suggestion. If your boss asks you what projects interest you, be specific and clear. If your mother asks you for the best times to call you, tell her. Avoid the trying to please others by guessing what they really want dance and take others answers at face value. If you feel that they are handing over their decisions to you, send them a link to this post!
Identify your preferences Notice and enjoy how elegant and subtle they are Start to own what you like so you can generate more in your life
A caution: Your I Like Journal is not a list of demands it is not designed so that you can impose your likes on other people. Your journal contains a list of things to seek out, to treat yourself with, and to make sure exist in your life; and, when appropriate, to ask for from others. What can you add? What have you learned about creating your environment?
WHAT IS APPROPRIATE?
Katherine also provides a list of what is appropriate based on orientation:
If you are looking up to a person for guidance, supervision, or parenting, you are not his or her peer. If he or she is your dad, minister, therapist, or boss, you are not required to parent or counsel him. If you are looking down to a person because he or she is a child, a client, or a subordinate, he or she is not your peer. She should not be counselling you. In addition, you should not give him or her inappropriate personal information. If you are looking across to a person, he or she is your peer. You support each other. You confide in each other. Giving goes both ways. If you are doing peer things with someone you look up or down to, something is wrong. A boundary is being crossed. If you are looking down or up at someone who is a peer, somethings wrong. A wife is not a subordinate. A husband is not a boss.
Others in General
like to help but The key here is, again, honesty. If you say you would love to go you will be invited again, so do not say it if you do not mean it. If you really do not feel regret, the first part of your statement can be just an acknowledgement of the other person. Examples are I appreciate you including me but or I know that this is important to you but Straightforward No Keep your no simple. You do not need to give a reason (which can imply that negotiation is possible) you just need to say no thanks. Positive follow-up This is just a respectful and kind statement to cement your no and take the sting out of it. They are statements such as thanks so much, maybe next time (but only if you mean it), good luck or have fun. Here are some examples of a No Sandwich: I love that you want to include me, but I cant make it. Have a great time, the weather should be beautiful! I can see that you have put a lot of thought into this, but I am going to do it the way I originally planned. I appreciate your effort, though. That looks delicious, but no thanks. How about giving some to Grandpa? He loves cookies. I know that this is important to the school district, but I wont be able to run the book drive. Why dont you sign me up to help collect books?
If you want to include a reason, do, but do not argue about it if the other person pushes back. Consider a statement of That looks delicious but Im watching my weight as an absolute, and if the other person says Oh, just one wont hurt, smile and move away. You have said no. The truth is, though, that no matter how gentle we are, sometimes people still will not like our answer, which can be painful for an INFJ. Our desire for harmony and our concern about hurting others can feel overwhelming when we say no. However, it is part of life and being an adult to set limits and accept the fact that others will not always agree with our decisions. What can you add? What tactics do you use to define and protect your boundaries?
Avoid taking on their pain - Your compassion helps; hurting along with the other person does not. This also goes for all the painful input out there TV news coverage of disasters or violence, commercials showing abused animals, even graphic movies or TV shows. Staying completely will enable you to use your compassion and caring to fuel contributions to solutions, taking on others pain will only weaken and distract you. I know, all this is easier said than done. However, it benefits everyone when you can provide a supportive, calm, and grounded environment when someone close to you is upset I like to think of it as giving the gift of being strong when someone is at his or her weakest point.
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What can you add? How do you deal with your softheartedness?
majority of the participants. If she adjusted her posts to fit in with the rest of the bulletin board, I suspect that she would be seen as a valuable contributor. The same is true for all conversations, both in-person and virtual. Think about the Facebook over-posters, we cannot hide them quickly enough! Or the person who dominates a conversation with an endless monologue about themselves, punctuating it with questions that are seemingly about us but are really just about topics they want to shift to. However, INFJs also need to be aware of the flip side we also want to make sure not to take up too little space in our dealings with others. Do not stay quiet when it is your time to speak, do not hide your light in deference to others.
What Can You Add? What have you learned about managing your impact on others?
attending. By acknowledging your own successes you are not only recognizing the value of your work, you are also reducing your reliance on others approval. Understand that you can still be right even if no one else agrees with you There are times when I just know I am right about something and no one around me will acknowledge it. When that happens, it can feel like my knowledge does not mean anything because no one else sees it. I suspect that most INFJs encounter this our insights are often so subtle that they can appear to have been pulled out of thin air to our less intuitive companions. You will always be frustrated until you accept the simple fact that sometimes you will know more than the people around you. Again, it is about understanding that your wisdom is solid, deep, and enough. You do not need the recognition of others to confirm that you know what you know. My coach once called me a silent warrior and that resonated with me. I think that is a great way to look at the internal power, insight, and strength that INFJs carry with them.
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What can you add? Do you look to others for approval? How have you dealt with it?
Have lunch with one new social or business contact per week to increase your networking circle and to add breadth to your relationships. If you think someone can help you formulate a plan or move it into action, ask him or her for assistance, even if you prefer going it alone. Solicit anothers input; open up with at least one other trusted person and share what you are thinking. At your workplace, make a practice of getting away from your desk, even if only briefly. Keep your office door open at times, and connect with co-workers. If you do not work, or work from home, get out of the house at least once a day and connect as much as possible with the people you meet when youre out.
To Practice Sensing: Take stock with your five senses periodically. What do you see, hear, smell, taste, and touch? What does the air feel like, what do you see around you? When going somewhere new, pay attention to the route, landmarks, and what your destination looks like. Note where you park your car and what entrance you use. Try to stay oriented to north, south, east and west. Stay in the present frequently check in with what is actually happening in the moment. Focus on what you truly experience and what it means vs. what you make up or infer about it. Take a situation purely at face value without adding any interpretation or story to it. Practice relaying direct, specific facts to others. Tell a story in more depth than you typically would, including precise, exact, and accurate details. Periodically do a mental scan of people in your life what is going on with my daughter? Spouse? Co-worker? Increase your connection with the external world by consistently listening to the news or reading a newspaper or news magazine. Focus on staying informed about key local and world events.
To Practice Thinking: Practice giving simple, direct, to-the-point feedback to others. When feedback comes your way, do not take it personally; use what is helpful and ignore the rest. Ask yourself if-then and cause-effect questions such as, If I say yes to this, then what do I need to give up? What are the effects that result from these actions? Make a decision using an objective framework. List pros and cons, but do not include any with emotional content (except for what is in line with your personal values). Make a decision based on an analysis of the pros and cons. After making a decision using an objective framework, take a tough-minded stance and hold firm. Use the information from your analysis to support your position. When you believe that something you have said or done has hurt someones feelings, check in with them to see if your perception is correct.
To Practice Perceiving: Schedule a day to go with the flow. Note what turns up that adds value to the day. Allow a reasonable period to elapse (a few hours or a day) before finalising a decision. Use the extra time to gather more information or probe for additional insights. In solving a problem, think of several options besides the one you think is correct. Make a list of the pros and cons of each option and its impact on people. Challenge your original selection. Monitor yourself for a day and see what happens when you allow yourself to be interrupted. Try to increase your tolerance for delays, ambiguities, and unforeseen changes. Do not answer e-mails or voice mails immediately, wait as long as practical before replying. If people want your opinion, try remaining neutral. Give several alternatives and let them decide for themselves. Go on an outing with no plans or schedules. Let others make all the decisions and focus on relaxing and enjoying whatever happens.
What Can You Add? What methods have you used to function in areas that are not your strengths?
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For each experience, ask yourself the following: a. What was it like to give up control? Uncomfortable? Scary? Or was it freeing, a relief? b. What was the outcome of the new decision? Did things work out worse, better, or the same? c. How did the other person/people respond to being consulted or making the decision? d. What did you learn?
What can you add? What have you learned about the desire for control?
Often our higher purpose is right on the tip of our tongue, just out of sight. We rather know what it might be, or we know the general category, but it is still a foggy idea of something that will be great as soon as we figure it out. Below are some questions that help you start to identify your higher purpose. Whatever it turns out to be, it comes from what is important to you. It can be about the wrongs you want to right or change you want to bring about, or the beauty you want to contribute in the form of art or music. It is the pure expression of your unique combination of talent, insight, and sense of what matters. Mull over these questions in whatever way works best for you jot your thoughts in your journal as they come to you or consider a new question each time you exercise. 1. What did you want to be when you grew up? While our childhood answers might seem trite and conventional we wanted to be fire fighters, ballerinas, or cowboys even those answers contain information (we want to rescue people in danger, create beauty and grace, or have rough n tumble adventures). At various times I wanted to run a post office, be a private detective, and write books. What leaps out at me from my answer is a love for order, finding solutions and communication. What information can you extract from your childhood dreams? What are your hot buttons? When you look at our society what upsets you the most? I react to any form of bullying from the tragic high school kids who are bullied into committing suicide to watching Donald Trump verbally abuse anyone who contradicts him. Our hot buttons tell us what is important to us, what we feel needs to be changed. What comes up when you remove all the barriers? What would you do with your days if you had all the money, time and support you needed? If your perfect occupation were instantly available to you, what would it be? So often, the logistics of our lives get in the way that we spend our time in maintenance mode and never move into the stuff we planned to do when all the work was finished.
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WHAT NOW?
Do you think you know your higher purpose? Here are some things to keep in mind when you decide what is next: You do not have to quit your job to pursue your lifes work. I have a friend who tutors illiterate adults on weekends, another who works for Habitat for Humanity whenever she can. It is all about finding ways to fulfil your higher purpose where ever you are, not finding a place where it already exists. I was still employed when I started training to be a life coach so I tried to use my developing skills to help my co-workers deal with the outsourcing of our department. You do not need to know how to do what you want to do, you just need to start. If you wait until you feel you are ready, chances are you will never begin. When I was training to be a coach, we were encouraged to find clients after our very first class. We had to trust that we would be good enough, and we had to be willing to make mistakes. In addition, even though I goofed up plenty, I could not have been that bad I am still working with several of those early clients. Living your higher purpose will make you uncomfortable sometimes. Any time we try something new, we end up pushed out of our comfort zones in some way. We may end up having to talk to strangers, travel alone, maybe even make a speech to a room full of people! Creating the impact that we want to make in the world takes courage, resilience, and persistence. Luckily, each of us already have those qualities available, all we have to do is use them. Feel like youre not courageous? Take the next step by deciding to do something that takes courage and presto! You are courageous. Just like that. Your higher purpose will change as you explore it. One thing I learned in coaching is that as we make progress toward our goals, our goals will continually change. As we learn what we need to know to succeed, our goals tend to become deeper and more meaningful. The same is true for your higher purpose as you bring your passion into the world the world will reward you with more passion, which will fuel a deeper and richer purpose to pursue.
My Higher Purpose is to help everyone (including myself!) become more self-aware, self-accepting, and as confident as possible. Everything I write is about learning about who we really are, and then loving what we discover. Then simply being ourselves in the freest, biggest possible way. My gift to you is my deepest and sincerest wish that you experience the beauty and power of who you really are deep down inside; and your gift to me has been your time spent reading and contributing to this guide.
Your rules for life should be a living, breathing list that grows and deepens as you go through your life. You can use them as guideposts when making decisions, and let them help you stay clear and focused during tough times. They should reflect not only what you have learned but also what you want to learn; they should inform both who you are and who you want to be. What are your Rules For Life? Feel free to share them with other INFJs by following the steps above. Thank you for going on this journey with me, this is the final instalment in Ten Steps to an Amazing INFJ Life. I love all the connections that I have been able to make with other INFJs through this series, and I love hearing from you about your experiences as you discover the beauty of being an INFJ.