IELTS Corrections Page 1 of 14

OVERALL BAND SCORE 7.5 7+8+8+7

SEE BELOW C&C LR GRA MODEL ANSWER

WRITING TASK 2

Write about the following topic:

Some people believe that the best way to produce a happier society is
to ensure that there are only small differences between the richest and
the poorest members.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from
your own knowledge or experience.

Write at least 250 words.

Para 1: Why this proposal would be effective (who might benefit from
that)

Para 2: Other measures are more effective Or why the mentioned

proposal is not feasible.

It is ok to say “some people believe that”. People believe this is because

…

Then say “However, I believe that …

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 IELTS Corrections Page 2 of 14

Original answer -

Pursuing bliss has always intrigued human society, with many ideas
proposed to achieve this objective. One of the suggested approaches is
to narrow the wealth gap. Although reducing wealth inequality can
contribute to social contentment to some extent, I disagree that this is
the most optimal method because an overly aggressive approach to
wealth redistribution may yield unintended consequences that negate
the intended benefits.

Granted, wealth redistribution is assumed to enhance societal

happiness. Smaller income disparity means resources are distributed
equally, from the place of surplus to the place of need. People from
lower socioeconomic backgrounds therefore can have better access to
basic necessities, such as healthcare and education. Narrowing the
income gap also ensures equality in society. People from opulent
settings cannot use their money to manipulate the legal system to win
their lawsuits since the wealth status of every member of society is the
same. Since more and more people who previously faced financial
constraints can now enjoy better living standards and fairness, societal
bliss is presumed to be enhanced.

Nevertheless, the mentioned argument overlooks the intricate tapestry

of happiness. People achieve this state of emotion mainly through their
efforts and dedication to realize their goals while the act of granting
them higher living standards deprives them of the elements that
constitute satisfaction. For example, city dwellers from financially
disadvantaged backgrounds can genuinely derive contentment from
securing better-paid jobs. However, the same cannot be said for those
who are provided with financial aid that can cover all their living
expenses and welfare as they will take it for granted.

Moreover, the feasibility of such an initiative is questionable at best.

Financial resources from affluent families must be diverted to support
the lives of billions of poor people. As the wealthy face enormous
taxation, they lose the economic incentive and motivation to scale up

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 IELTS Corrections Page 3 of 14

their businesses, This is compounded by the self-reliant mindset of

lower-or-middle-income earners who have accustomed themselves to
government support, making them unlikely to work wholeheartedly. This
will lead to the reduction of social prosperity and gradually drain the
national budget, rendering government-funded schemes ineffective.

In conclusion, I disagree with the idea that reducing the wealth gap is
the best way to create a happier society. Absolving people from their
daily financial hardships and ensuring that they can be treated fairly can
be taken for granted since most people feel content from overcoming
their own challenges. The financial burden resulting from overreliance
on government support also renders this initiative ineffective.

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 IELTS Corrections Page 4 of 14

OVERALL BAND SCORE 7.5 7+8+8+7

TR – Task Response nb – GRA and LR errors have not been corrected

Band score 7

400+ words is far more than is required for a high score. Please don’t
send me more than 350 max, if you do any more.

You assumed that wealth distribution would take the form of

confiscation and handouts, which is not necessarily the case. It might be
in the form of higher wages, lower taxes, better housing, and better
public services like health and education.

Your paragraph about the intricate tapestry of happiness is rather

simplistic or over general. If your parents needed expensive medical
treatment, giving you money would make you happier, as would making
healthcare cheaper or free.

It would make sense to adopt a more nuanced position – reducing the

wealth gap would work, but trying to achieve only small differences, as
proposed in the question (“there are only small differences between the
richest and the poorest members”) would be counterproductive and
impractical, as the rich would prevent it.

Several parts are unclear – see my comments and suggestions under

C&C.

ADVICE ON BRAINSTORMING FOR TASK 2

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 IELTS Corrections Page 5 of 14

As you’re planning and writing your answer, remember to constantly

ask yourself if you’re answering the question. Check back to the
question a few times as you think of ideas to make sure they're
directly relevant.
 Make sure your introduction directly addresses the question.
 Make sure your ideas address all parts of the question. If the
question asks for solutions, in the plural, you must suggest at
least 2.
 Make sure your main ideas, as stated in the first sentence of the
main body paragraphs, are directly relevant to the question.
 Make sure your supporting ideas, which follow the main ideas in
the main body paragraphs, directly support the main idea.
 Be especially careful if you’ve answered similar question before,
as there will always be important differences.
 Make sure your conclusion directly answers the question, that
it is consistent with the ideas in the main bodies, and that it
does not contradict the introduction.

Pursuing bliss has always intrigued human society, with many ideas
proposed to achieve this objective. One of the suggested approaches is
to narrow the wealth gap to a minimum. Although reducing wealth
inequality can contribute to social contentment to some extent, I
disagree that this is the most optimal method because an overly
aggressive approach to wealth redistribution may yield unintended
consequences that negate the intended benefits.
Granted, wealth redistribution is assumed to enhance societal
happiness. Smaller income disparity means resources are distributed
equally, from the place of surplus to the place of need. People from
lower socioeconomic backgrounds therefore can have better access to
basic necessities, such as healthcare and education. Narrowing the
income gap also ensures equality in society. People from opulent
settings cannot use their money to manipulate the legal system to win
their lawsuits since the wealth status of every member of society is the
same. Since more and more people who previously faced financial
constraints can now enjoy better living standards and fairness, societal
bliss is presumed to be enhanced.
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 IELTS Corrections Page 6 of 14

Nevertheless, the mentioned argument overlooks the intricate tapestry

of happiness. People achieve this state of emotion mainly through their
efforts and dedication to realize their goals while the act of granting
them higher living standards deprives them of the elements that
constitute satisfaction. For example, city dwellers from financially
disadvantaged backgrounds can genuinely derive contentment from
securing better-paid jobs. However, the same cannot be said for those
who are provided with financial aid that can cover all their living
expenses and welfare as they will take it for granted.
Moreover, the feasibility of such an initiative is questionable at best.
Financial resources from affluent families must be diverted to support
the lives of billions of poor people. As the wealthy face enormous
taxation, they lose the economic incentive and motivation to scale up
their businesses, This is compounded by the self-reliant mindset of
lower-or-middle-income earners who have accustomed themselves to
government support, making them unlikely to work wholeheartedly. This
will lead to the reduction of social prosperity and gradually drain the
national budget, rendering government-funded schemes ineffective.
In conclusion, I disagree with the idea that reducing the wealth gap to a
minimum is the best way to create a happier society. Absolving people
from their daily financial hardships and ensuring that they can be
treated fairly can be taken for granted since most people feel content
from overcoming their own challenges. The financial burden resulting
from overreliance on government support also renders this initiative
ineffective.

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 IELTS Corrections Page 7 of 14

C&C - Cohesion and Coherence nb GRA and LR errors have not been
corrected

Band score 8
The organisation is excellent and easy to follow.

Use of cohesive devices and referencing is excellent throughout.

The lack of clarity in main body 3 is penalised under TR, which is why I
gave you 8 for C&C.

PARAGRAPHING FOR TASK 2

I recommend you write 4 paragraphs as follows:
 Write an introduction, that explains what the question is. After
reading the introduction, the reader should have a good idea what
the essay is about, and what your position (opinion) is. It should
be possible to write an introduction in under 50 words. It is not
necessary to write a long background statement.
 Write 2 main body paragraphs. This should allow you to expand on
the ideas sufficiently to persuade the examiner that you’ve fully
supported the main ideas. If you write 3 main bodies, it is more
difficult to expand and support them sufficiently to get a high score.
 If it’s a two-part question, answer the questions in the order
they’re given and write one paragraph per question.
 The main body paragraphs should be 100-120 words, and each
paragraph should have a clear topic sentence and 2 or more
supporting ideas which support the topic sentence with reasons,
evidence, and examples. Do not waste time with lots of
background information.

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 IELTS Corrections Page 8 of 14

 The topic sentences should directly address the question.

 The conclusion should be consistent with the introduction and the
main ideas, and it should not introduce new ideas. It should
directly answer the question. Do not leave the examiner in any
doubt about whether you’ve answered the question.
 If you write a third paragraph in a discuss both sides question to
clarify your position, make sure that give a good reason to reject
one of the sides. If you just restated the original ideas about one
side, the examiner may decide you have covered one side more
than the other.
 It is also ok to write a third body paragraph in a to what extent
question if you have main ideas which both agree and disagree
with the proposition. Avoid short paragraphs, with under 70
words, as it may be difficult to show a clear central topic in a short
paragraph.

Pursuing bliss has always intrigued human society, with many ideas
proposed to achieve this objective. One of the suggested approaches is
to narrow the wealth gap. Although reducing wealth inequality can
contribute to social contentment to some extent, I disagree that this is
the most optimal method because an overly aggressive approach to
wealth redistribution may yield unintended consequences that negate
the intended benefits.
Granted, wealth redistribution is assumed to enhance societal
happiness. Smaller income disparity means resources are distributed
equally, from the place of surplus to the place of need. People from
lower socioeconomic backgrounds therefore can have better access to
basic necessities, such as healthcare and education. Narrowing the
income gap also ensures equality in society. People from opulent
settings cannot use their money to manipulate the legal system to win
their lawsuits since the wealth status of every member of society is the
same. Since more and more people who previously faced financial
constraints can now enjoy better living standards and fairness, societal
bliss is presumed to be enhanced.

For more IELTS advice go to Succeed in IELTS with Tony 19 November 2023
 IELTS Corrections Page 9 of 14

Nevertheless, the mentioned argument overlooks the intricate tapestry

of happiness. People achieve this state of emotion mainly through their
efforts and dedication to realize their goals while the act of granting
them higher living standards deprives them of the elements that
constitute satisfaction. For example, city dwellers from financially
disadvantaged backgrounds can genuinely derive contentment from
securing better-paid jobs. However, the same cannot be said for those
who are provided with financial aid that can cover all their living
expenses and welfare as they will take it for granted.
Moreover, the feasibility of such an initiative is questionable at best. For
effective wealth redistribution to take place, Ffinancial resources from
affluent families must be diverted to support the lives of billions of poor
people. As the wealthy face enormous taxation, they lose the economic
incentive and motivation to scale up their businesses, This is
compounded by the self-reliant mindset of lower-or-middle-income
earners who have accustomed themselves to government support,
making them unlikely to work wholeheartedly. This will lead to the
reduction of social prosperity and gradually drain the national budget,
rendering government-funded schemes ineffective.
In conclusion, I disagree with the idea that reducing the wealth gap is
the best way to create a happier society. Absolving people from their
daily financial hardships and ensuring that they can be treated fairly can
be taken for granted since most people feel content from overcoming
their own challenges. The financial burden resulting from overreliance
on government support also renders this initiative ineffective.

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 IELTS Corrections Page 10 of 14

LR- - Lexical resource nb Some GRA errors have not been corrected
Band score 8
Vocabulary is used accurately with sufficient flexibility to show precise
meaning, and with only minor inaccuracies, which is good for a band
score 8

Pursuing bliss happiness has always intrigued human society, with many
ideas proposed to achieve this objective. One of the suggested
approaches is to narrow the wealth gap. Although reducing wealth
inequality can contribute to social contentment to some extent, I
disagree that this is the most optimal method because an overly
aggressive approach to wealth redistribution may yield unintended
consequences that negate the intended benefits.

Granted, wealth redistribution is assumed to enhance societal

happiness. Smaller income disparity means resources are distributed
equally, from the place of surplus to the place of need. People from
lower socioeconomic backgrounds therefore can have better access to
basic necessities, such as healthcare and education. Narrowing the
income gap also ensures equality in society. People from opulent
settings cannot use their money to manipulate the legal system to win
their lawsuits since the wealth financial status of every member of

For more IELTS advice go to Succeed in IELTS with Tony 19 November 2023
 IELTS Corrections Page 11 of 14

society is the same. Since more and more people who previously faced
financial constraints can now enjoy better living standards and fairness,
societal bliss is presumed to be enhanced.

Nevertheless, the mentioned argument overlooks the intricate tapestry

true nature of happiness. People achieve this state of emotion mainly
through their efforts and dedication to realize their goals while the act of
granting them higher living standards deprives them of the elements
that constitute satisfaction. For example, city dwellers from financially
disadvantaged backgrounds can genuinely derive contentment from
securing better-paid jobs. However, the same cannot be said for those
who are provided with financial aid that can cover all their living
expenses and welfare as they will take it for granted.

Moreover, the feasibility of such an initiative is questionable at best.

Financial resources from affluent families must be diverted to support
the lives of billions of poor people. As the wealthy face enormous high
taxation, they lose the economic incentive and motivation to scale up
their businesses, This is compounded by the self-reliant mindset of
lower-or-middle-income earners who have accustomed themselves to
government support, making them unlikely to work wholeheartedly. This
will lead to the reduction of social prosperity and gradually drain the
national budget, rendering government-funded schemes ineffective.

In conclusion, I disagree with the idea that reducing the wealth gap is
the best way to create a happier society. Absolving people from their
Alleviating people’s daily financial hardships and ensuring that they can
be treated fairly can be taken for granted since most people feel content
from overcoming their own challenges. The financial burden resulting
from overreliance on government support also renders this initiative
ineffective.

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 IELTS Corrections Page 12 of 14

GRA – Grammatical range and accuracy nb Some LR errors have not

been corrected

Band score 7
There is a range of complex structures with sufficient accuracy to get a
band score 7. Be careful with tenses.
I gave you 7 instead of 8 because not using the conditional where it is
required is a systematic error.

Pursuing bliss has always intrigued human society, with many ideas
proposed to achieve this objective. One of the suggested approaches is
to narrow the wealth gap. Although reducing wealth inequality can
contribute to social contentment to some extent, I disagree that this is
the most optimal method because an overly aggressive approach to
wealth redistribution may yield unintended consequences that negate
the intended benefits.
Granted, wealth redistribution is assumed to enhance societal
happiness. Smaller income disparity means resources are would be
distributed equally, from the place of surplus to the place of need.
People from lower socioeconomic backgrounds therefore can would
have better access to basic necessities, such as healthcare and
education. Narrowing the income gap would also ensures equality in
society. People from opulent settings cannot could not use their money
to manipulate the legal system to win their lawsuits since the wealth
status of every member of society is would be the same. Since more and
more people who previously faced financial constraints can could now

For more IELTS advice go to Succeed in IELTS with Tony 19 November 2023
 IELTS Corrections Page 13 of 14

enjoy better living standards and fairness, societal bliss is would

presumed to be enhanced.
Nevertheless, the mentioned argument overlooks the intricate tapestry
of happiness. People can achieve this state of emotion mainly through
their efforts and dedication to realize their goals while the act of
granting them higher living standards deprives them of the elements
that constitute satisfaction. For example, city dwellers from financially
disadvantaged backgrounds can genuinely derive contentment from
securing better-paid jobs. However, the same cannot be said for those
who are provided with financial aid that can cover all their living
expenses and welfare as they will take it for granted.
Moreover, the feasibility of such an initiative is questionable at best.
Financial resources from affluent families must would have to be
diverted to support the lives of billions of poor people. As the wealthy
would face enormous taxation, they would lose the economic incentive
and motivation to scale up their businesses, and This is compounded by
the self-reliant mindset of lower-or-middle-income earners who have
accustomed themselves to government support, making them unlikely
to work wholeheartedly. This will would lead to the a reduction of social
prosperity and gradually drain the national budget, rendering
government-funded schemes ineffective.
In conclusion, I disagree with the idea that reducing the wealth gap is
the best way to create a happier society. Absolving people from their
daily financial hardships and ensuring that they can be were treated
fairly can would be taken for granted since most people would feel
content from overcoming their own challenges. The financial burden
resulting from overreliance on government support would also renders
this initiative ineffective.

For more IELTS advice go to Succeed in IELTS with Tony 19 November 2023
 IELTS Corrections Page 14 of 14

Model answer –
None available this question

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